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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 3 โ€” Book Club

TMDB episode metadata
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What are you doing?
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We've started showering in gym class.
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Can you repeat the question? โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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Could you pass the peas, please?
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Thank you.
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You're welcome.
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Hal?
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All right, boys. That's enough.
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- during dinner, free of sound effects? - Your mother's right.
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- Malcolm, how was school today? - History class was cool.
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Really? Tell us about it.
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Jimmy Perkins kicked the crap out of Fred Nason
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right outside our window.
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Jimmy Perkins is crazy.
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It's like I've always told you boys, crazy beats big every time.
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Hey, Eric, it's Francis. How's Alaska?
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There's a serial killer loose in Idaho who looks just like me.
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- What? Where are you? - I'm close to British Columbia.
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There's no such thing as Alaskan dollars!
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Sir!
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Are you almost finished with that?
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What have you got in mind?
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I need you to watch the boys next Tuesday night.
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I've joined a book club.
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Oh, Lois, you don't wanna do that.
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I joined a record club once, and they hounded me for years.
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It's not that kind of a club, Hal.
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This is women from school.
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Adults discussing books.
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- Oh. - I live in a house filled with boys.
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- Mm. - I listen to boy talk and boy noises.
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- I need to spend some time with females. - Mm-hm.
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Whenever I see them, they invite me to do things and I never go.
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- Mm-hm. Yeah? - I need to do this for my sanity.
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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Are you even listening to me?
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Of course I am.
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Here's what I think.
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This book club is a great idea, Lois.
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It's time you did something like this.
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You have a brilliant and beautiful mind that needs challenging.
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I just hope those other women can keep up with you.
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Now, make a wish.
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Okay, I left the phone number on the counter.
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Just for tonight.
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Would you relax, honey?
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You're off the clock.
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This is supposed to be your night out. Just enjoy yourself.
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- Stop worrying. - Have fun.
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- Oh. Take the garbage cans to the curb. - Please stop worrying.
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Come on. Just go have some fun!
fun
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- Now? - No.
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Let's let Mom get a few blocks away.
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Right. This could be a trick.
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What are you guys talking about?
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We've got some fireworks buried in the backyard.
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We'll dig them up while Mom's gone.
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Tracy Hines is having a party tomorrow night and we're not invited.
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Our justice will be swift but fair.
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We'll be fine!
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Okay, I don't want to screw this up!
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Lois needs time to herself.
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She deserves a night out.
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She'll have a great time and will come home all happy.
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I just have to somehow keep the boys under control.
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Oh, what am I talking about? They're good kids.
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What am I talking about?
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They're monsters!
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They'll destroy everything and then ruin Lois's night.
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And then, then she'll feel like we can't be trusted on our own.
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She'll never wanna have a night out again,
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and it will all be my fault!
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- We're going out back. - You're not going anywhere.
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You're gonna stay in your room all night with the door shut!
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Now go! Go!
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- Mm! This cheddar is wonderful. - It is good.
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So, I really liked the book.
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Really? Oh, Karen, let's have some more of that wine.
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I like the way the author shifted
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the voice of the narrator from character to character.
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Oh, well, I'll just have to take your word on that.
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- I didn't really read the book. - Oh.
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Was anyone else confused by those flashbacks?
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Am I the only one who read the book?
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Actually, Lois, we don't make it mandatory to read the book.
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- What? - I mean, we're all busy.
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But that shouldn't prevent us
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from enjoying a relaxing evening every once in a while.
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Lois, don't you feel you deserve one night away from the bickering,
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the yelling and the TV blaring?
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Away from all the stupid little problems
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that can't seem to be solved without you?
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A little more.
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Oh, thank you.
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Thank you for stopping.
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Oh, glad to. The name's Roy.
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I'm Francis. God, it's freezing out there.
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I've been standing there for six hours.
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People were actually flipping me off as they drove past me.
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Why would they do that?
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- So, how far are you going? - Mamu.
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I'm going to Green River. I can take you the whole way.
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Oh, my God, really?
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It's taken me the last three days to get 20 miles.
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Thank you.
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You okay?
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Yeah, it's just, people aren't very nice.
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You want some coffee?
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Yes.
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When I was leaving, my mom and I are yelling and screaming at each other,
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and she's still finding time to tell the cab driver
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which route to take to the bus station.
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She's a total control freak.
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- She sounds like she's afraid. - What would my mom have to be afraid of?
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She could be afraid that if she doesn't control
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every aspect of her life or the lives of the people
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she cares about, that horrible things will happen.
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Like what horrible things?
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Well, maybe her oldest son moving 5,000 miles away from her.
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All right, you got me there.
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You're pretty smart.
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Well, I'm on the road 18 hours a day.
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Gives me a lot of time to think about things, about people,
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why they do the things they do.
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I'm a wannabe psychiatrist.
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I'm just glad to finally be out of it.
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I got a line that I'm not gonna cross.
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And if anybody tries to push me across it, I'm gone.
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Well, sure, everybody's got a line.
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But what's interesting is, everyone's line is different.
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Sometimes it moves.
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I mean, look at your situation right here.
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It is freezing cold, there's no other cars on the road.
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Hypothetically, if I said, "Put on a curly, red wig
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or I'll throw you out of the truck."
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- Are you gonna go back out into the cold? - Yeah, but that's ridiculous.
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You can't use a silly example like that to prove...
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You're kidding?
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Okay, okay.
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You haven't made a sound in half an hour.
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- What's going on in here? - Nothing.
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I expect perfect behavior out of you boys tonight.
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Trust me, if you try anything, anything at all,
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I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick!
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Okay, this is good.
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You sent them a message.
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Fired a shot across their bow.
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Now they know who's in charge.
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Maybe I was too harsh.
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If the boys push back, they might do something 10 times worse
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and spoil everything for Lois.
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Don't go soft!
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All these boys understand is the iron fist.
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No, I need to get them on my side.
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Dewey, you be lookout while we dig up the fireworks.
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What's going on with Dad?
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I don't know. Maybe he's dealing with something at work.
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I hope he's gonna be okay.
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At his age, carrying around that kind of tension can't be good for you.
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Dad's here.
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Who wants ice cream?
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So, I come home after working a 10-hour shift and I see my boys,
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and they're covered with grass and covered with paint,
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and you know what all they can say is?
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- "Where's dinner?" - Oh, yeah.
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Too much is expected of us.
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Well, our society is just so screwed up.
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Thirty years ago, you could just at least pick something and go with it.
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A housewife, a career woman, sex slave.
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But now you're supposed to do everything, and it's impossible!
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Unless you're Lillian Miller.
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Oh, yeah.
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Oh, if it weren't for me, my family would be naked,
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living in trees, eating berries.
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I mean, do they appreciate what I do for them?
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- No! - No.
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Lillian Miller's family just surprised her with a trip to Spain.
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- No kidding. - Spain?
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You know, the other day I discovered a two-inch-long hair
โ†“
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growing out of my shoulder.
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I mean, how long has that been there?
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I don't have time to put myself together in the morning.
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Lillian Miller...
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...brought 20 homemade cakes to the school bake sale.
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I had those.
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They were delicious.
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The woman just cooks like a god,
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but she never puts on a pound.
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You can't be 45 and still be a size two.
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That's children sizes. That's for children!
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And Lillian!
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Yeah.
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You know, ladies, I just realized something.
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Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable.
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I mean, hell, we're society.
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- Yeah! - You're right.
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No, no.
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Every single one of our problems can be traced back
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to that tight-assed, overachieving,
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marathon-running, master chef,
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Lillian Miller!
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โ™ช Mademoiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous โ™ช
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โ™ช Mademoiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช She got the palm and the croix de guerre For washing soldiers' underwear โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Inky dinky, parlez-vous โ™ช
โ†“
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- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?
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It's hinky dinky parlez-vous.
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That's what I said, Roy.
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No, you said "inky dinky."
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Now you've got to start over.
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I'm not starting over. It's freezing out there.
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I can barely feel my lips anymore.
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โ™ช Mademoiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous โ™ช
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โ™ช Mademoiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous โ™ช
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Thanks for the ice cream, Dad.
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Oh, you're welcome, Dewey.
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Don't worry about this mess. I'll take care of it.
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Boys, just sit there and relax.
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All right, what the hell is going on?
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I'm not sure, but I think he's feeling guilty about something.
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- Maybe we can exploit it. - How?
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Send Dewey in there crying about the train set Mom put in the attic.
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Mom didn't put a train set in the attic.
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Exactly.
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When he's up there trying to find it, we can dig up the fireworks
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- before Mom gets home. - Dewey, we need you to cry.
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But it's gotta be the right kind of crying.
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Not sobbing, more of a whiny sound with a penetrating quality.
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Give me a moment.
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Okay, that was a good idea. The boys are happy.
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I've got them motivated to behave themselves,
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and Lois is gonna see that I can handle them without her.
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Are you kidding me? You've gone soft.
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You've totally lost the boys' respect.
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Lois isn't gonna like this.
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Come on.
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They're under control.
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But what if they aren't?
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What if they're just pretending to behave so they can set you up?
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You've gotta keep them so busy, they don't have time to get in trouble.
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How am I gonna keep them busy?
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Well, you'd better find a way.
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- Dad, Dewey really wants you to-- - Boys.
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Let's spend a little time together.
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We can-- I know, I know, we can do some calisthenics.
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- What? - Come on, you boys love to exercise.
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But I just ate a ton of ice cream.
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All the more reason.
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You are starting to get a little flabby. Come on.
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I'm too full.
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Well, when you start moving, you'll feel better.
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Let's go. One, two.
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One, two. One, two.
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One, two.
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Stupid, stupid.
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It was a terrible idea.
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It was a great idea.
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A great idea poorly executed.
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Terrible idea.
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Terrible execution.
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Why don't you lock them in the bathroom
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till Lois gets home and be done with it?
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Look at that house.
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It's perfect.
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No, no, no!
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We didn't come here for mindless vandalism.
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We came to screw up her car!
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Let see how she feels when she's 10 minutes late for car pool
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like a real person.
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She probably won't even be able to get out of bed in the morning.
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Yeah, this time next year, she's gonna be living in a trailer
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with a little ceramic donkey in the front yard.
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Shh!
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She's wearing pearls to make cookies?
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Doilies?
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What kind of monster is this woman?
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Oh, God, those cookies smell good.
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Let's kill her and eat them.
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Karen.
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Why don't you go stand guard?
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Come on.
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Shh! Shh!
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One of us should probably know something about cars.
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Ah, doesn't matter, pull some of the wires. Let's get out of here.
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Karen! Karen.
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You gotta stop. Karen.
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You gotta settle down.
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Karen, why don't you see if you can say the alphabet backward?
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Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q,
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P, O, M, N, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
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I've been pulled over a few times.
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- Hey, Lillian's gone. - What do you mean, Lillian's gone?
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Run!
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It's a pointless exercise.
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You haven't proven a thing.
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You haven't determined what my limits are. None of this has bothered me.
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And if you think it has, the joke is on you.
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Clench.
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King respond to 10-31 at 642 Madison Avenue.
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That's 642 Madison Avenue.
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That's the third time he drove down that alley.
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He knows we're in here!
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This is gross.
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I can't believe I'm wearing open-toed shoes.
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I can't believe I'm hiding from the cops in a dumpster!
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I just wanted to talk about books.
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Oh, and it was such a good book, too.
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The foreshadowing was effective without being heavy-handed.
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The characters were flawed but compelling,
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and the entire story was brimming with insight
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into the human condition.
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But how did you even find time to read it?
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Your family sounds so horrible.
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I was lying.
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I made all that stuff up so that I would fit in.
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They're wonderful.
โ†“
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I mean, they're idiots.
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But at least they try.
โ†“
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They wanted me to have this nice evening, and look what I did with it.
โ†“
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- What are you doing? - You'll see.
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Go home to your family and hug them for me.
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They sound wonderful!
โ†“
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Hey, piggy!
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Over here!
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Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.
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Come on!
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Show me what you got!
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Am I supposed to be afraid of an electric shaver?
โ†“
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It's lighter than most other minerals.
โ†“
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Why is he making us watch a documentary about salt?
โ†“
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Would you rather still be locked in the bathroom?
โ†“
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Or be chased by the hug monster?
โ†“
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Will you just do something.
โ†“
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I'm trying.
โ†“
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But every time we make a move, he's two steps ahead of us.
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He's impossible to predict.
โ†“
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With Mom, you get a little consistency.
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But Dad's operating on a whole other plane.
โ†“
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Hey, you put salt on French fries.
โ†“
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Ground them.
โ†“
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Cut off their food supply!
โ†“
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They just need love.
โ†“
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Give them the belt.
โ†“
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Make them fear you!
โ†“
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These are precious years!
โ†“
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Get in the car and go.
โ†“
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Just shut up!
โ†“
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Okay, that's it.
โ†“
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I am going to take a bath.
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I'm asking you boys one last time to behave.
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Not for me but for your mother.
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After all she does for you,
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one night of peace shouldn't be too much to ask for.
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So if you love her,
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you will do this for her.
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Wow, Francis, I've never had anyone empty the box before.
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I'm out of props.
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I wasn't on bored with your little experiment at first,
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but I got to admit, I learned a lot about myself tonight.
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I mean, who am I to judge other people for the choices they make?
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From now on, I'm gonna be a little more understanding
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and a lot more humble.
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Wanna stop for some dinner?
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What, like this?
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Sure. Why not like this?
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Have you ever thought about writing a book?
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- I'm sure there's a lot of people-- - Hey, Merna.
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What time's the pageant?
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Fluffy's collar?
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Mom said he ran away.
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Get out of there, Dewey.
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Tracy really should have invited us.
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This is what people get for being rude.
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Okay, we'll hide these in the closet tonight.
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We'll cover up the hole, and by the time Mom's home,
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- we'll be in bed sleeping like babies. - Boys!
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Fireworks!
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Fireworks!
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- How did she--? - I don't know.
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You boys are in so much trouble!
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I can't leave you alone for a second!
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I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor!
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We tell you to behave, and you don't even pretend to listen!
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You might as well cut off your ears
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and throw them in trash for as little as you use them!
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You are grounded for the next month!
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"Get on the ground with your hands behind your head!"
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While you're being punished,
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I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff
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because you won't be doing any of it!
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You are gonna suffer!
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I should get out there.
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Nah, you'll just screw it up.
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Good call.
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You're being punished!