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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E01 — The Gang Makes Paddy's Great Again

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 1 — The Gang Makes Paddy's Great Again

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Makes Paddy's Great Again

Air date: September 05, 2018

Director: Todd Biermann

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Meet Cindy, the new, ethnically diverse female member of the gang who can successfully pull off scams. Everything is working until Mac introduces a new member: a life-like sex doll that looks exactly like Dennis.

Source: TMDB

↓

What an awesome night it's been, huh?

awesome night

↓

- Yeah. - Good night, what a night.

night

↓

You know, you know, when I first started working at Paddy's,

paddys started started-working working

↓

this place was way more likely to host a dog fight

fight host likely place

↓

than an event like tonight.

event tonight

↓

In fact, when I first walked in, there were two dogs fighting.

dogs fact fighting walked

↓

- Sure. - They were, like, strays or something

↓

that had wandered in? No one noticed.

noticed wandered

↓

- I don't know. - Anyway, the point is,

point

↓

that this place has changed.

changed place

↓

You know? It's really evolved.

evolved

↓

And it's been so welcoming of this brown-skinned girl

brown girl welcoming

↓

and her liberal ideals.

liberal

↓

Which is saying a lot,

↓

since the first time I met Frank, he pulled a gun on me.

frank pulled

↓

Misunderstanding. Not racial.

misunderstanding racial

↓

Thanks, Frank. Anyway, the point is, Paddy's is now a place

frank paddys place point thanks thanks-frank

↓

where progressive-minded people like us can feel at home.

home minded progressive

↓

And I think that is worth a round of applause.

applause round worth

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oh.

↓

You think those liberal morons bought it?

bought liberal morons

↓

- Oh, yeah! - They bought every word you said.

bought word

↓

Oh, we've never been this successful.

successful

↓

This wine is selling like crazy.

crazy selling wine

↓

And look, it's called "Conservative Whine,"

called conservative whine

↓

but it's spelled with an "H," 'cause it's like "We're whining."

spelled whining

↓

It's a pun. It's a play on the word "wine."

wine word

↓

Yeah. Yeah, Mac, I get it. I came up with it.

↓

- Yeah. yeah. - Yeah, so smart. Shut up, Mac.

smart

↓

- So smart. - I get it, I get it.

smart

↓

We're squeezing those liberal boners for all they got,

boners liberal squeezing

↓

and we're just gonna keep on squeezing them.

squeezing

↓

- Yeah. - Uh, no, we're not.

↓

- No, we're not. - Dee, try to keep up, man.

↓

- Okay? - I'm sorry.

↓

- Got to keep up. - Look.

↓

These liberals are easy.

easy liberals

↓

It's the conservative crowd we're going after.

conservative crowd

↓

- How? - Nice. How? Whatcha thinking?

thinking whatcha

↓

Oh, uh, a little thing like...

↓

All right.

↓

- Hello, guys! Welcome! - Hello.

welcome

↓

Thank you for letting me host

host letting

↓

- the planning evening. - Uh-huh. What'd you make?

evening planning whatd

↓

Yes, I made Mac's Famous Mac and Cheese

cheese famous macs macs-famous

↓

and some energy drinks for everybody.

drinks energy energy-drinks everybody

↓

It's all he ever makes and it's un-edible.

edible makes

↓

Okay, whatever. Let's get to the plan.

plan

↓

Uh, ooh, ooh. Sorry, um, for interrupting.

interrupting

↓

I just wanted to do the unveiling first, if that's cool.

cool wanted

↓

- The unveiling of what? - Okay, everybody,

everybody

↓

are you ready?

ready

↓

Bam.

↓

- All right, what's up? - What's going on?

↓

Oh, well, I-I got into really good shape.

shape

↓

Am I hitting the light right?

hitting light

↓

- Wh-What... what's happening? - Why?

↓

- Why? - Hmm.

↓

I don't know, I thought maybe we could use it.

↓

Use it for what?

↓

For the bar.

↓

- How? - How?

↓

Well, Cindy, do you think maybe we could fit this into the plan?

cindy plan

↓

I don't think so. I r...

↓

I don't really know what's going on here, though.

↓

- Me, neither. - Yeah, no one ever really knows

knows

↓

what's going on with Mac. He's fat, he's skinny,

skinny

↓

- he's muscular, it's... - It's best to ignore it.

best ignore muscular

↓

It's really a cry for help and attention, I think, so...

attention

↓

- Yeah. - Mm.

↓

...what you do in that situation is you ignore those.

ignore situation

↓

Yeah, treat it like a baby. Treat it like a toddler.

baby toddler treat

↓

We're not gonna... put it into the plan?

plan

↓

That make sense?

sense

↓

- Yeah. Okay. - Why did I... why did I do it?

↓

- Nobody knows. - We don't know.

knows nobody nobody-knows

↓

- So, I have a great plan. - Should I put my shirt on?

plan shirt

↓

- But... - I think that's best.

best

↓

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, congrats, Mac, it looks really good.

ahead congrats go-ahead

↓

- Good job. - Can we figure out a way

figure

↓

- to incorporate later? - Let's just move past it now,

past

↓

- 'cause it's dinnertime. - Yeah?

dinnertime

↓

You guys like me, right?

↓

- So... - Okay,

↓

I have a plan how we are gonna shut down Murphy's Pub.

murphys plan

↓

What's that?

↓

- What's Murphy's Pub? What is that? - Wait, what is that?

murphys

↓

Murphy's Pub? It's around the corner from you guys.

corner murphys

↓

- Oh, the bar, the bar. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

↓

The super successful bar around the corner.

corner successful super

↓

- They do well. - Why would we shut that down?

↓

Because they do, like, five times

five five-times times

↓

- the business that we do. - They do?

business

↓

Yeah, so we're gonna poach their customers, shut them down,

customers

↓

thereby making Paddy's great again.

paddys thereby

↓

- Whoa! That is so smart. - That is smart.

smart whoa

↓

Why have we never thought about doing that?

↓

I don't know, we're gonna steal their customers.

customers steal

↓

Ah, this is the waitress. Do you guys mind if I get this?

mind waitress

↓

Yeah, we're right in the middle...

middle

↓

Hey, honey. Sorry, I'm in a meeting. Are you just...

honey meeting

↓

You're just checking in?

checking

↓

I don't know. Is the TV just not working?

working

↓

All right.

↓

Can I call you later or something, 'cause I'm just...

↓

We're super bu... we're in the thing.

super

↓

Yeah, I'll check in later.

check

↓

- Sorry, she was just checking in. - Oh, cool.

checking cool

↓

Yeah. All right, so what's up?

↓

- So, how are we gonna do this? - I'm gonna take you through the plan.

plan

↓

There's a lot of moving pieces, and you each play

moving pieces

↓

- a crucial part. - It's here! It's here!

crucial part

↓

Cindy, I am so sorry for interrupting,

cindy interrupting

↓

but it has finally arrived,

arrived finally

↓

and I think you are going to be very impressed

impressed

↓

with what is inside this crate.

crate

↓

- Another rocket launcher. - No, Frank.

another frank rocket

↓

Much cooler than that.

cooler

↓

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

↓

What am I looking at here, Mac?

looking

↓

- What? What do you mean? - Oh...

↓

- Is that part of the plan? - No!

part plan

↓

Why did you get a sex doll of your old roommate?

doll roommate

↓

Because you told me to get one.

↓

- I definitely did not. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

I was, I was super sad about my old roommate leaving,

leaving roommate super

↓

and you said I needed something Dennis-shaped to fill my hole.

dennis fill hole needed shaped

↓

No, Mac, I said that you obviously had

obviously

↓

a Dennis-shaped hole in your life that you needed to fill.

dennis fill hole life needed shaped

↓

Okay, I obviously wanted you to, I don't know, maybe start dating

dating obviously start wanted

↓

or do something, not get a sex doll of your best friend.

best best-friend doll friend

↓

- No, not best friend. - Oh, whoa, whoa.

best best-friend friend whoa whoa-whoa

↓

- Yeah, sorry, not best friend. - He didn't like him much.

best best-friend friend

↓

in North Dakota, but it ended up being a mental health line.

dakota ended health line mental mental-health north north-dakota

↓

- Yeah. - He miswrote

↓

- one of the digits, and that... - Nah, he knew what he was doing.

digits

↓

- He was avoiding him. - No, it was not a mistake.

avoiding mistake

↓

All right, well, look, guys, either way, it's not weird.

weird

↓

It's not like I'm gonna have sex with it.

↓

No. It might just be cool to have around

cool might

↓

for, like, companionship, you know?

↓

- Nah, he wants to bang it. - I'm not gonna bang it.

bang wants

↓

This is the waitress again. Should I get it?

waitress

↓

Oh, my God, come on.

↓

Okay, you know what, you know what, this is just...

↓

this is not gonna work here, all right?

↓

Let's just go.

↓

Please get rid of the doll.

doll

↓

Yeah. Yeah, I'll get rid of the doll.

doll

↓

It was a misunderstanding, you know?

misunderstanding

↓

Like, I'm not gonna have sex with it.

↓

He is. The second we leave, he's gonna bang it.

bang second

↓

that Murphy's hired an alt-right figurehead

hired murphys

↓

to speak at their pub.

speak

↓

gonna march for the speaker's First Amendment rights,

amendment march rights speakers

↓

and that is where Frank comes in.

comes frank

↓

A tuba? What am I gonna do with a tuba?

tuba

↓

You're gonna play it to enflame the crowd.

crowd

↓

Dee, we're gonna need to distract Murphy's security guard

distract guard murphys security security-guard

↓

- with a pretty blonde. - Okay.

blonde

↓

- You want me to go find one? - No. I'm talking about you.

↓

Oh, you want me to flirt? Oh, wow.

flirt

↓

Normally I'm on lookout while Dennis flirts.

dennis lookout normally

↓

- But okay, I'm in. - Great. Next part of the plan.

part plan

↓

- Now, listen up... - Oh, hey, guys.

↓

So, so sorry. Cindy, I'm so sorry I'm late.

cindy late

↓

- Got held up, but I am ready. - What is this?

held ready

↓

Why did you bring that thing? I told you to get rid of it!

bring

↓

Oh, I tried, but apparently, I cannot return the doll

apparently cannot doll return tried

↓

due to the custom nature of the usage of the doll.

custom doll nature

↓

- Banging its mouth. - Right.

banging mouth

↓

I guess some people do. I don't know, but I don't know.

↓

Either way, what do you guys think?

↓

- About what? - I'm shirtless in the duster.

duster shirtless

↓

Oh, yeah. Why?

↓

- Well, I thought that could work. - Toward what?

↓

I don't know.

↓

This is Cindy's plan. Cindy, how does this work?

cindy plan

↓

It doesn't. Stop trying to shoehorn your shirtless-ness

ness shirtless

↓

into plans that have no need for it.

plans

↓

Well, I feel like this is what Dennis would've done.

dennis wouldve

↓

Yeah, but Dennis had a reason for it, man!

dennis reason

↓

And you're not Dennis! You're never gonna be, all right?

dennis

↓

- So just drop it. - This, by the way,

drop

↓

It was his idea anyway, so...

idea

↓

Well, not exactly, but you know, it was, like,

↓

- Oh. - And that's...

↓

- Nice one, man. - What?

↓

Oh, something the doll just said.

doll

↓

The doll talks to you now?

doll talks

↓

I was picturing what Dennis might've said in the situation

dennis mightve picturing situation

↓

and Dennis just said something really funny.

dennis funny

↓

- What was it? - Well, it was about you, Dee.

↓

I heard it. Oh, yeah.

heard

↓

- I heard it. - It's...

heard

↓

What the hell are you guys talking about?

↓

- It called me a bird. - Yes! It did.

bird called

↓

- Exactly. - So you did hear it.

↓

- We all heard it. - Bird.

bird heard

↓

How is that funny?

funny

↓

It's-it's really not.

↓

It's just the way Dennis would have said it.

dennis

↓

You can just sort of picture it coming out of his mouth.

coming mouth picture

↓

Okay, okay, cool, but, guys, can we just get back to the plan?

cool plan

↓

- Yes. - Mac's shirtless plan, or...?

macs plan shirtless

↓

- Mac's shirtless plan. - No, he did not have a plan.

macs plan shirtless

↓

Our plan. My plan. To shut down Murphy's.

murphys plan

↓

Frank, tuba. Mac, Charlie,

charlie frank tuba

↓

Okay? Any questions?

questions

↓

Yes?

↓

The blowjob mouth, did it come standard on the doll

doll mouth standard

↓

It's not a blowjob mouth, Dee. Don't be crass.

crass mouth

↓

I requested that the doll feel as though

doll requested

↓

"Liberal Tears." It's so funny

funny liberal tears

↓

because the liberals are always whining about stuff

liberals stuff whining

↓

and the conservatives drink it up.

conservatives drink

↓

- They're drinking their tears. - Uh, yeah, yeah.

drinking tears

↓

No, Cindy's brilliant, man.

brilliant

↓

you know what I mean?

↓

Yeah, I had a good idea about the glitter.

glitter idea

↓

I was thinking maybe you would slather it

thinking

↓

Uh-huh. Why?

↓

Oh, well, that can just be a part of the plan, you know?

part plan

↓

It doesn't have anything to do with anything, though.

↓

Well, then why did I do all this working out, Charlie?

charlie working

↓

Nobody knows, man.

knows nobody nobody-knows

↓

- Wow, Dee, you look great! - Really?

↓

Yeah, I hate to admit it,

admit hate

↓

but this look's kind of working for you.

working

↓

Yeah, you might actually be able to distract that security guard.

able distract guard might security security-guard

↓

Nice.

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

- Frank, you got it, man! - Holy shit! Uh, look.

frank holy

↓

Dee looks good, Frank's killing it on the tuba,

franks killing tuba

↓

we might actually be able to pull this thing off.

able might pull

↓

I think we're gonna do it. I think...

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

I can't do it.

↓

- Wh-Why? - What went wrong?

↓

He's staring right at me.

staring

↓

So what?

↓

Look, I know it's just a lifeless thing

↓

that Mac pumps his loads into, but it's in my head.

head loads pumps

↓

Again, guys, I am not having sex with the doll.

doll having

↓

- You unload in that doll. - You're having sex with the doll.

doll having unload

↓

- You unload into that doll. - I can smell it. Yeah.

doll smell unload

↓

No, th-that's bleach. I cleaned him.

bleach cleaned

↓

- Well, then why did you clean it? - Why did you clean it?

clean

↓

Look, I got to be honest. It's in my head, too.

head honest

↓

and it thinks I need more makeup.

makeup thinks

↓

- Oh... - Oh, my God.

↓

Yeah, I can picture Dennis saying that to you right now.

dennis picture

↓

Yeah, it also thinks Mac looks fat.

thinks

↓

- What... No! - Oh, yeah.

↓

Dennis, Dennis, I am not fat. Look, I'm ripped.

dennis dennis-dennis ripped

↓

I don't know why he did it either, man. He just did it.

↓

- Well, there... It's a long story. - He's not impressed.

impressed story

↓

What, you don't like the labels?

labels

↓

It doesn't like the labels on the... these are dumb

dumb labels

↓

Liberal Tears," right. Does it say "tear"

liberal tear tears

↓

or does it say "tear"? It's confusing.

confusing tear

↓

Maybe I'll do a couple of crunches, though.

couple crunches

↓

I'm gonna go put some more lipstick on.

lipstick

↓

I'm gonna, I'm gonna practice.

practice

↓

Yeah... Oh. Yeah. Oh.

↓

Now I'm getting a call again. It's her again.

↓

Hey, honey.

honey

↓

Yeah, I'm just, I'm working... still working with the ga...

working

↓

Yeah. Uh, they're all... You want to say hi or something?

↓

Tell her not to worry 'cause I'm doing crunches.

crunches worry

↓

Oh, yeah, no, he's doing crunches for Dennis.

crunches dennis

↓

No, he's not back.

↓

It's... What do you care if Dennis is back?

care dennis

↓

Look... Can I...

↓

Can we just catch up later when I get home from...

catch home

↓

Hang on. I just got an idea.

hang idea

↓

So it's called "Liberal Tears."

called liberal tears

↓

I don't know if it's confusing, that's not really the point.

confusing point

↓

What I want to know is what do you think of this?

↓

I think it's super weird.

super weird

↓

Like in a good way or like...?

↓

Like in the creepiest possible way, Charlie.

charlie possible

↓

I mean, it's like Dennis is sitting in our apartment

apartment dennis sitting

↓

just staring at us.

staring

↓

I know, but, like, look, you need someone to talk to, right?

↓

And I-I just, I can't be that guy right now.

↓

I'm so busy being a success and stuff.

busy stuff success

↓

It's just, like, so much work.

↓

I'm sorry. You want me to talk to the doll?

doll

↓

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. And-and it's weird,

absolutely weird

↓

'cause it's-it's kind of like he talks back to you.

talks

↓

It's crazy. He's already shamed Mac, which was pretty funny.

crazy funny

↓

All right, I got to run.

↓

W-W-Wait. You're leaving? Can I come?

leaving

↓

Well, no, sweetie. It's... I-I got to go work at the bar.

sweetie

↓

A-And that's gonna be a trigger for you with all the drinking...

drinking trigger

↓

I feel like like you're always going to the bar...

↓

- ...and always running out. - Sweetie. Oh, sweetie, the feelings.

feelings running sweetie

↓

N-N-No. The doll. That's what the doll is for.

doll

↓

You talk to the doll,

doll

↓

- and-and not me so much. - Charlie.

charlie

↓

Mm, sorry. I feel foolish.

foolish

↓

You had this, Frank, I heard you earlier.

frank heard

↓

I know, but I'm all in my head about it.

head

↓

Okay, now that makes one, two, three.

makes three

↓

- Three bottles of wine. - Three?

bottles three three-bottles wine

↓

You guys have only done three bottles?

bottles three three-bottles

↓

Yeah. I'm sorry, Cindy. We just got a little distracted.

cindy distracted

↓

- Yeah. - Wait. And what happened

happened

↓

to the labels, those just say "wine."

labels wine

↓

We thought "Liberal Tears" was maybe gonna be confusing,

confusing liberal tears

↓

- you know? - Yeah, like,

↓

what if people read it like "tears"?

read tears

↓

You know, like, what are these liberals tearing?

liberals tearing

↓

- And why are they tearing it? - Yeah.

tearing

↓

And, Dee, what is this?

↓

Oh, it's just a-a new lighting setup.

lighting setup

↓

It-it washes me out. It's-it's a better look.

washes

↓

Guys, what is happening here?

↓

Everything was going so smoothly.

↓

Yeah, it's nothing. It's fine.

↓

No, it's nothing. W-We're doing good still, we're good.

↓

- Whatever. We got this. - Don't worry about us.

worry

↓

- Don't know. - Wait a second.

second

↓

This doesn't have anything to do with the doll, does it?

doll

↓

- Come on. Why would the doll...? - No.

doll

↓

- The doll? What do we care about the doll? - The doll...

care doll

↓

No?

↓

- Okay, well, where is the doll? - It's at my apartment.

apartment doll

↓

Why isn't it in the trash?

trash

↓

It's-it's just doing me a quick favor.

favor quick

↓

- Get rid of it. - Yeah.

↓

I don't care. Trash. Burn. River. Just get rid of it.

burn care river trash

↓

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was a bad... bad idea.

idea

↓

- Yeah, get rid of it, dude. - It's going in the trash.

trash

↓

- Yeah, get rid of it, man. - Yeah. Got to go. Got to go.

↓

See, I told him. I told him.

↓

It's just a doll, you know?

doll

↓

It's-it's fun to have around.

fun

↓

It's kind of cool.

cool

↓

Hey, it's me. It looks like Cindy wants me

cindy wants

↓

to get rid of the...

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

Oh, I fucked him.

fucked

↓

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

bring higher higher-love love

↓

Well, yeah, I can see that. Why?!

↓

Um, because that's what it was designed for?

designed

↓

You were... you were supposed to talk to it,

supposed

↓

- not have sex with it! - Okay, well, I did talk to it.

↓

And it told me to drink this bottle of wine.

bottle drink wine

↓

And then it talked me into having sex with it.

having talked

↓

I can't... You know, this is cheating, by the way.

cheating

↓

- You're cheating on me. - Uh, with a doll.

cheating doll

↓

- With Dennis! - Okay, you sh...

dennis

↓

His voice is funny.

funny voice

↓

- Oh, oh, oh! Go to hell! - I hadn't noticed it.

noticed

↓

- Go... You go right to hell! - It's-it's so high.

↓

- Okay. All right. I know. - Stupid...

stupid

↓

No, shh, shh, shh. Everybody, this is...

everybody

↓

- Yeah, shut up, man! - This is awkward. I got it.

awkward

↓

Charlie, I'm breaking up with you.

breaking charlie

↓

You're-you're breaking up with me?

breaking

↓

- I think you should leave. - I'm gonna break up with you!

break

↓

I already said it. We think you should get out.

↓

- I can't believe this. I'm out of here. - Wa-Wa-Wait!

believe

↓

Wait, wait, wait. Okay.

↓

Do you have any more bottles of wine?

bottles wine

↓

♪ Bring me a higher love. ♪

bring higher higher-love love

↓

- ♪ ♪ - Shake it, shake it!

shake

↓

I'm sorry, Charlie. This sucks.

charlie sucks

↓

I mean, I think maybe some fresh titty will cheer you up, huh?

cheer fresh titty

↓

- Mm. - Yeah.

↓

Charlie, the waitress is an asshole. You're just way better off

asshole charlie waitress

↓

- without her. - Yeah. No, you're right.

↓

I'm-I'm just pissed that Dennis did that to me.

dennis pissed

↓

- Mm. - Of course.

course

↓

You know what I mean? Dennis is a bastard, man. Right?

bastard dennis

↓

- Yeah. - Always has been, always has been.

↓

I mean, dude, look around. You're in the strip club, man.

club strip strip-club

↓

- Okay! - We always go to the strip club

club strip strip-club

↓

- to make ourselves feel better. - That's right.

↓

- This is fun. Right? - Yeah, okay. Yes.

fun

↓

Yes.

↓

I feel like I'm forcing it a little.

forcing

↓

- It feels forced, right? - Yeah.

feels forced

↓

- Why is that? - Why are we here?

↓

Yeah, I mean, look, guys, I think the problem is

problem

↓

that we're trying to do things that we used to do.

used

↓

But-but things are different now.

↓

Look, Dennis is gone, and he is not coming back.

coming dennis gone

↓

We have to accept that.

accept

↓

Yeah, why are we letting Dennis keep messing up our lives?

dennis letting lives messing

↓

- He's not even here, man. - Yeah. Absolutely. Right.

absolutely

↓

Like, it's time to move on from that guy.

↓

And if I'm being perfectly honest, I like Cindy better.

cindy honest perfectly perfectly-honest

↓

- Oh, yeah. She's smart, she's funny. - Yes.

funny smart

↓

She's an asshole, but in all the right ways.

asshole ways

↓

She's just the right amount of asshole, you know?

amount asshole

↓

- Yeah, exactly. - She's kind of like Dennis

dennis

↓

- but only way better. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

↓

- Better than Dennis. - I absolutely prefer her to Dennis.

absolutely dennis prefer

↓

- Right? - I like her more.

↓

So, look, maybe we just got to put Dennis behind us,

behind dennis

↓

- finally, once and for all... - Mm.

finally

↓

...and move forward, with Cindy,

cindy forward

↓

and be a new gang.

gang

↓

- To the new gang. - There you go.

gang

↓

The new Cindy gang.

cindy gang

↓

- Yeah, right! New gang! - New gang, new gang.

gang

↓

New gang with Cindy.

cindy gang

↓

Cindy.

cindy

↓

All right, what do we do with him?

↓

Not sure yet.

↓

But, uh, what do you say we do, like, three rounds of shots

rounds shots three

↓

- and figure it out after that? - Hey!

figure

↓

Hey!

↓

Hey-o! So sorry we're late.

late

↓

Guys, what the hell? The Murphy's protest

murphys protest

↓

is about to start. Where is everyone?

start

↓

Cindy, we just wanted to let you know that you were right

cindy wanted

↓

about everything, and we think you are amazing.

amazing

↓

Yes, yes. Now, we were at the strip club

club strip strip-club

↓

last night, and we came up with a way

night

↓

to deal with our Dennis issues and do your plan

deal dennis issues plan

↓

- and finally move forward. - Yeah.

finally forward

↓

Guys? Let's do it!

↓

Oh, God.

↓

Oh, yuck!

yuck

↓

No, stop! Stop it!

↓

Stop! Charlie, stop!

charlie

↓

How is this moving things forward? What are you doing?

forward moving

↓

Oh, I was playing his asshole.

asshole playing

↓

That part I got. Why?

part

↓

Well, well, after a series of events

events series

↓

- that I'd rather not go into... - Not necessary.

necessary

↓

I came to the realization that the only way

↓

to not be humiliated by Dennis while playing the tuba

dennis humiliated playing tuba

↓

- was to play him. - But then,

↓

out front, he got a little nervous

front nervous

↓

- about doing that. Yeah. - He got a little gun-shy.

↓

- I couldn't do it. - So I volunteered.

volunteered

↓

- Yeah. - Well, you see,

↓

we're still making Paddy's great again,

paddys

↓

- but now everybody's happy. - That's right, that's right.

everybodys happy

↓

So, what do you think?

↓

You want to know what I think?

↓

- Yeah. - Um, here's what I think.

↓

I think that you all went to a strip club last night

club night strip strip-club

↓

and you got super hammered and horny

hammered horny super

↓

and the three of you decided to fuck the doll,

decided doll fuck three

↓

only to find out that when force is applied to the almost

applied force

↓

vacuum-tight polyurethane hole,

hole tight vacuum

↓

it made a noise.

noise

↓

You instantly put it in your mouth.

instantly mouth

↓

You probably knew it'd work, because

↓

you clearly have had sex with the doll multiple times.

doll multiple times

↓

You decided that this was the most brilliant idea

brilliant brilliant-idea decided idea

↓

that you've ever come up with, when, really, it was the result

result

↓

of the most insane, disgusting orgy that has ever taken place.

disgusting insane orgy place taken

↓

And you, Dee, you just sat back and watched the whole thing

watched whole

↓

happen because you are so numb to this kind of behavior

behavior happen numb

↓

that it doesn't even register to you as odd.

register

↓

That's dead-on.

dead

↓

- Wow. - Yeah, you nailed it.

nailed

↓

- You nailed it. I mean, like... - Boy, that...

nailed

↓

- Wow. Yeah. - Point by point.

point

↓

- You ran home with that one. - Wow.

home

↓

Guys, come on. You are better than this.

↓

I know you can be better than this. And I can help you.

↓

But you got to make a choice, okay?

choice

↓

You can either leave Dennis behind

behind dennis

↓

or you can stay the same.

↓

Keep doing what you're doing--

↓

playing a doll's asshole with your mouth

asshole dolls mouth playing

↓

and talking to something that's never gonna talk back to you.

↓

Or will it?

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

- Kill it! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

kill whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

Oh. Hey, hey. Take it easy, man. I'm not a doll.

doll easy

↓

I threw that thing on the floor. By the way, what is that thing?

floor threw

↓

I don't like it. Why do you have it?

↓

- It's for Mac. - Uh... Yeah.

↓

Oh, Mac's shooting his loads into it?

loads macs shooting

↓

- Definitely his. He definitely is. - No, no.

↓

Yeah. All right, well, anyway,

↓

I'm back. The real me.

real

↓

Let's not-not make a whole thing of it.

whole

↓

You.

↓

Uh, I gather you were meant to replace me?

gather meant replace

↓

Well, that's not necessary anymore, so, um,

anymore necessary

↓

you can go now.

↓

Excuse me?

excuse

↓

I think you can go.

↓

You dress like it's 1998.

dress

↓

Your look is played out and so are you.

played

↓

- You're basic. - Oh. I see.

basic

↓

Well, why don't we, uh...

↓

- why don't we ask them? - Yeah, sure.

↓

- Oh... - Well, he did just get here,

↓

- so let's not go crazy, right? - Kind of like seeing him.

crazy seeing

↓

Charlie, you were just playing his asshole to humiliate him.

asshole charlie humiliate playing

↓

- Ah. - I do lots of crazy things, you know?

crazy lots

↓

- I never really know what I'm... - Yeah.

↓

- That's in the past. - Yeah. I mean...

past

↓

And I like to live in the present.

live present

↓

Dee, you don't want this loser back, do you?

loser

↓

I mean...

↓

- What? Come on. - Uh...

↓

They're just gonna go back to treating you like shit

treating

↓

the minute I leave.

minute

↓

Come on, us ladies-- we got to stick together.

ladies stick

↓

Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying,

↓

but I kind of like being the only woman.

woman

↓

'Cause it makes me feel special.

makes special

↓

This is insane. You know what? Screw you guys.

insane screw

↓

Enjoy your crappy lives and your insane, miserable, failed ideas.

crappy enjoy failed ideas insane lives miserable

↓

You guys are played out. You're basic.

basic played

↓

- Uh-oh. - Ooh, yeah. You know what?

↓

- You already said that. Uh... - Yeah.

↓

- You did. She said that already. - A second ago.

second

↓

Did you run out of insults?

insults

↓

- Recycling her material. - Yeah. That's not good.

material recycling

↓

She didn't have to have a bad attitude about it.

attitude

↓

- That's not good. - What a bitch.

bitch

↓

Yeah. Hey, I don't know about you guys, but I'm a little bit thirsty.

thirsty

↓

- Do you guys still serve beer here, or...? - Oh, yeah.

beer serve

↓

I knew you were gonna say something funny, man.

funny

↓

- So smart, too. Clever. - Do we serve beer?

beer clever serve smart

↓

- Because we're a bar. - Clever. Yeah. Funny, man.

clever funny

↓

- Do we serve beer? - We do.

beer serve

↓

Well, welcome back, man.

welcome

↓

- Well, for now. I'm back for now. - Oh? All right.

↓

Guys, you know what?

↓

I think we just made Paddy's great again.

paddys

↓

Shut up, bird.

bird

↓

- Oh! - Oh!

↓

So reliable.

reliable

↓

Yeah, yeah, you can just count on it.

count

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

↓

Hey, Mac, did you gain a little weight?

gain weight

↓

♪ The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town ♪

boys town

↓

♪ I said the boys are back in town... ♪

boys town

↓

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

boys town

↓

♪ The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town ♪

boys town

↓

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

boys town

↓

♪ The boys are back in town ♪

boys town

↓

♪ You know that chick that used to dance a lot... ♪

chick dance used

↓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

access access-group captioned group media media-access media-access-group wgbh