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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S01E12 — Cheerleader

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 1, Episode 12 — Cheerleader

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Cheerleader
Air date: April 16, 2000
Director: Todd Holland
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
A spiffy cheerleader attracts slovenly Reese, who cleans up his act—best as he can—to woo her. He even joins her rah-rah squad. Dewey tries to convince Lois and Hal to buy him a new toy. Francis has a heart-to-heart conversation with headmaster Spangler.
Source: TMDB
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♪ Do pe, do pe, do ♪
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- ♪ Do pe, do pe, do pe, do ♪ - ♪ Pe, de, da ♪
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- ♪ Do pe, do pe, do pe, do pe, da ♪ - ♪ Pe, pe, pe, de, da ♪
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- ♪ Do pe, do pe, do pe, da ♪ - ♪ Pe, pe, pe, de, da ♪
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- ♪ Do pe, do pe, do pe, da ♪ - ♪ Pe, pe, pe, de, da ♪
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♪ Do pe... ♪
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♪ Do, do, do pe, do, do, ah ♪
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All right, class.
class
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Recess is over.
recess
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- Come on. - This is a travesty.
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- I know. - Wait. It's early.
early
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Malcolm, I think you should say something to your classmates.
classmatesmalcolm
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They stayed inside while you were out playing ball with your friends.
ballfriendsplayingstayed
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Thanks.
thanks
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
questionrepeat
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- What are you doing? - Nothing.
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You look different.
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- I took a shower. - I knew it.
shower
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of overanalyzing past and current positions,
currentpastpositions
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aimed toward curbing this type of governmental interference.
aimedinterferencetype
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In international news...
internationalnews
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Boring, boring, boring.
boringboring-boring
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I'm incredibly boring.
boringincredibly
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Why haven't you changed the channel yet?
changedchannel
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Ranger, you think we should go?
ranger
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We've got to fix the thrusters...
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Son, are you on drugs?
drugs
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No, it's just...
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Wow.
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Usually we don't get someone storming off from the table until after pancakes.
pancakesstormingtableusually
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Hey, kids, it's a new, improved sleepy-time Herbie,
herbieimprovedkidssleepy
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now with super-sleepy fuzzy fur.
fuzzysleepysuper
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I'm sleepy.
sleepy
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Herbie's not available in stores.
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Order yours now through this special TV offer.
offerorderspecial
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Hi, Dewey.
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I can make you happy.
happy
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I can make your brothers be nice to you.
brothers
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I can get you out of school.
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Your parents want to buy me for you.
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All you gotta do is ask them.
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They're right there in the kitchen.
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Why don't you go ask them?
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Go on. Yeah. Go ask them.
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- Can you buy me a Herbie? - No, they're too expensive.
expensiveherbie
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Maybe. Ask me again in four seconds.
fourfour-secondsseconds
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Can you buy me a Herbie, please?
herbie
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Didn't you just hear me? I said no.
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Ask louder.
louder
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Son, what were you thinking?
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Stealing 200 frogs from the biology lab and setting them loose on the highway!
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I was freeing the alleged frogs, sir.
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Killing live animals in the name of science is inhumane.
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No.
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Inhumane is sitting in a car for two and a half hours
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when I live only eight blocks from campus.
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- Sir, I didn't mean to-- - I am very tired
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of all the things that you didn't mean to do.
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You didn't mean to come in four hours after curfew.
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You didn't mean to replace the morning reveille record
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with a selection from trip-hop wizard Tricky.
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Maybe I should just rename this "Francis' I didn't mean to file."
filefrancis
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That would be a bold choice, sir.
boldchoice
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Glibness.
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What a surprise.
surprise
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I'm giving you exactly 10 seconds
givingseconds
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to tell me why I shouldn't put you on latrine detail
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for the rest of this semester.
restsemester
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Okay. Um...
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Why shouldn't I have to clean toilets for the next three months?
cleanmonthsthreethree-monthstoilets
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It's an intriguing question.
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- Is that a new tie, sir? - Four seconds.
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What a beautiful beach.
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Did you take this, sir?
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Because you've certainly captured your young male friend's Speedo.
capturedcertainlyfriendsmaleyoung
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That is a picture of me.
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Now, if I were you, I wouldn't try to distract me and...
distract
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Sir?
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- Sir? - Hmm?
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That'll be all, cadet.
cadetthatll
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- Were you crying? - No, I was reading.
cryingreading
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- You don't read. - Just shut the door, Krelboyne.
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I'm still in here, perv!
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Ha! You're crying.
crying
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Oh, man. You're crying.
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You don't wanna talk about it, do you?
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It's about a girl.
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I should've just walked away.
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Wendy Finnerman. She hates me.
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I don't know what to do.
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I've tried everything to make her like me.
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- Oh, I know. - Really.
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I'm toilet-papering her house tonight. If that doesn't work, I'm out of ideas.
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Look, Reese, maybe I can help you.
reese
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- What am I supposed to do? - I don't know.
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Just try anything that doesn't make her cry.
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I guess you could start off by finding out stuff about her.
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You know, do the things she likes to do.
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Is that before or after I go TP her house?
house
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Instead.
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All right. I'll try it your way.
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- Thanks. - No problem.
problemthanks
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I know I'm gonna pay for this, but--
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Reese loves Wendy!
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- Reese loves Wendy! - That's it. Come here! Stay here!
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- Go Wildcats! - Go!
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Go Wildcats, go, go!
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Go Wildcats, go, go!
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Go Wildcats, go, go!
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Go Wildcats!
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- Yeah! - Come on!
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That's it.
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Reese!
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Reese, why are you dressed like that?
dressedreese
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I figured out what she likes.
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I saw her cheering for the football team, so I joined the cheerleading squad.
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Why didn't you join the football team, doofus?
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She's a cheerleader.
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Reese, you're a guy.
reese
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Guy cheerleaders are the lowest of the low,
cheerleaderslowest
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worse than band, worse than Krelboynes.
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The only thing lower is that guy that never takes
lowertakes
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- his hand out of his butt. - Oh, Chester?
buttchesterhand
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He's a cheerleader, too. Does a lot of solo work.
cheerleadersolo
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I tried to help him. I gave him advice.
advicetried
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I tried reasoning with him.
tried
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There's only one thing left to do.
left
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Sit back and laugh my ass off.
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Good luck.
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Come in, cadet.
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- Look, sir-- - I have the floor.
floor
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In the short time that you have been under my care,
careshort
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we have had our share of conflicts.
conflictsshare
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In all my efforts to get through to you, I have tried every method I know how.
effortsmethodtried
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And besides mental and physical abuse, sir,
abusebesidesmentalphysical
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exactly which methods would those be?
methods
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This photo made me realize something.
photorealize
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I used to be like you.
used
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Insolent, arrogant, cavalier.
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- Sir, I-- - Floor!
floor
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Now, son, you are on the precipice.
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Now, I am going to tell you a story about my life,
lifestory
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in the hopes of finally getting you to straighten yourself out.
finallyhopesstraighten
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Now, in the coming hours, you are going to hear things
cominghours
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that are going to horrify you.
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It sounds illuminating, sir, but I have biology.
biologysounds
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I've taken the liberty of canceling your next three classes.
cancelingclasseslibertytakenthree
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Son...
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do you know what a wet nurse is?
nurse
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Dewey, have you forgotten me? I thought we were friends.
deweyforgottenfriends
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All of the boys and girls on your street are my friends.
boysfriendsgirlsstreet
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They all bought me.
bought
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Your parents have lots of money.
lotsmoneyparents
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They're just hiding it.
hiding
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But I don't want you to buy me for me.
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It's for your own good.
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I didn't want to tell you this, but if you don't buy me, you'll die.
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Honestly, Hal, I don't know what's wrong with Reese.
reese
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- Oh, he's just a little slow. - No. I mean the way he's been acting.
actingslow
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Hey, Mom, where's the iron?
iron
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Oh.
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- It's a girl. - It's a girl.
girl
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Hal, it's time for the talk.
↓
e792777c-70e5-4e4f-b27a-84da7eeb7013.gif
- I don't know what you mean. - The talk, Hal.
↓
7e1ead9a-29ca-41d6-aba4-7865535f8f99.gif
Oh, jeez, he's a little young, don't you think?
jeezyoung
↓
469413f1-7511-41f6-8c60-8df731ea878c.gif
You waited so long with Francis, look what happened there.
francishappenedwaited
↓
1fd5eccb-a8a0-4db8-9518-d5624006891f.gif
All right. But if I'm giving the talk, all three boys are getting it
boysgivingthree
↓
4132abae-0b84-4652-952b-f2a5a60114f3.gif
at the same time. And I'm not doing it again.
↓
d50eb379-c0e5-4eab-9975-3d656a108b61.gif
So, if we have any more kids, they're on their own.
kids
↓
796219fa-0f1e-4dea-bee5-47966d6378f4.gif
Mom, Dad, I'd really like a Herbie doll.
dollherbie
↓
662bbfab-79ec-41ef-baec-978876c26b0d.gif
I know it's expensive, but I don't ask for a lot.
expensive
↓
44e2b3ef-295f-4df8-881e-dd24caa1e3d6.gif
And I've been very good lately.
lately
↓
eb960e5a-9ca4-47d9-9e96-4aa7dda9bad2.gif
I want it! I want it! I want it!
↓
080cce04-6b8e-4330-8ca2-99752c3e127f.gif
I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it!
↓
6891aa34-e28d-4816-9e83-02c35318e57e.gif
- Looks like he found the sugar. - I want it! I want it!
foundsugar
↓
506733ab-5aa9-4ae1-8902-dc517aa6e892.gif
Doesn't he look just like a little dust mop?
dust
↓
d7bd0b7c-917a-4314-82ec-fc338ee5c5ba.gif
Ready? Hit it!
ready
↓
5753809d-fcba-46de-9d93-7ea266daeacc.gif
B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!
↓
7cbf050a-e1a8-46d6-8b2a-f42343ffc75c.gif
B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!
↓
7b3f23b7-283f-40cc-942a-233a5e77f4bb.gif
What's that spell?
spell
↓
51527567-5558-4f7f-a237-2ef048ab961d.gif
Be aggressive!
aggressive
↓
982f8532-78ac-4da2-9634-49a89c4c14ea.gif
B-E aggressive!
aggressive
↓
ae213493-4aa9-4e70-8e80-7229c7dc7358.gif
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!
↓
3a05ad4a-35ba-4477-86a7-a00b0028cc36.gif
That's the Wildcats' battle cry!
battlewildcats
↓
c9e4a244-127f-42b7-afc7-595c33d5b7b8.gif
- What a geek. - Be aggressive!
aggressivegeek
↓
a5a5f8fb-8808-4d8c-8725-4f926c033c03.gif
B-E aggressive!
aggressive
↓
ed598560-49d5-4291-b3be-d6f7d695edd3.gif
- I never thought I'd get to say that. - B-E aggressive!
aggressive
↓
218c6ff9-d984-4408-b07b-7cba1b723380.gif
Oh, my God.
↓
637660fa-aa51-47e1-b5a6-4b0355e93fba.gif
I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader.
brothercheerleaderkrelboyne
↓
3f42c1a7-4f1d-4d9b-9c43-f0920a14e94d.gif
I could wet my pants in public, and it would be a lateral move.
pantspublic
↓
99c2c8bf-1013-4b58-8118-f08ea62d4b3f.gif
O-R-Y!
↓
e91a8a2d-aa73-445c-8761-23d56ad24555.gif
That's the Wildcats' battle cry!
battlewildcats
↓
fb8c3b53-1b88-49b9-898d-00c24fe589ac.gif
Success! Victory, success!
successvictory
↓
8e1b763b-3ee4-4a41-a7ea-f0d14153ee5f.gif
Victory, yes!
victory
↓
444127a1-7365-4ce9-998b-b7b1591b07be.gif
Ow! Ow!
↓
60a14797-0c9e-4927-b483-7b2ac45684cc.gif
- So clumsy. - What the hell is wrong with him?
clumsy
↓
40032ba9-0925-4a23-9715-9e9d21239e9d.gif
Hey, Malcolm.
malcolm
↓
ad01bb50-2619-46bf-b829-e48cfa9269ec.gif
You think your brother will lend me his corset?
brotherlend
↓
7e922e26-1d8a-4bd6-ac7e-14067dfbd327.gif
When a Krelboyne makes fun of you, you know you're in trouble.
funkrelboynemakestrouble
↓
db5e05ea-e629-4c61-83b9-a0366e75cf0b.gif
See, that comment was playing off the concept
commentconceptplaying
↓
aeb5beb6-8e41-4381-bba7-c2d3b0d1ac8d.gif
that we all have specific notions of gender-appropriate roles.
appropriategendernotionsrolesspecific
↓
69e21408-e006-4229-941d-c04e980481c3.gif
At least they're no good at it.
least
↓
70bf21ca-aae5-4b5f-9d9d-a5848c77f39d.gif
So, there we were. The ocean, my stepfather, and me.
oceanstepfather
↓
a325d1af-dc33-4161-a62c-42b4e6827e57.gif
As the storm raged overhead, he made one final lunge for the rudder.
finalstorm
↓
affbe7ea-8d51-4959-a341-0bcb2a907a80.gif
I ripped it from his hands and stared him down.
handsripped
↓
02e582e2-f6b8-4715-b4d0-d825b75608ed.gif
He knew that I was prepared to kill him.
killprepared
↓
5703a688-53db-412f-a72b-d8434dad2edc.gif
I left port that day a 16-year-old boy.
leftport
↓
c601529b-4bf6-4c11-93a5-17efdb1d80cb.gif
I returned a man.
returned
↓
bf4e0d2f-b481-40fc-8958-1bb18a19ff98.gif
That was an amazing story, sir.
amazingstory
↓
1eabafc8-30ad-4354-a96c-9c3e44b1b69b.gif
I mean, I was skeptical at first, but we do have something in common.
commonskeptical
↓
e8f6796c-dc68-4c7a-89de-3a91df9d4ddd.gif
I mean, look at the way both our mothers abandoned us.
abandonedmothers
↓
e143f90c-b1b0-46ed-9572-efcbd52f7b59.gif
What are you talking about?
↓
1dc20030-00e3-474c-82dd-0f6852988698.gif
You know, how I was shipped off here,
shipped
↓
2de35750-356f-49b4-a100-48c23c5dd3ba.gif
and you were left with your wet nurse for years.
leftnurseyears
↓
2d595fa1-121c-4618-9b08-6bc52d397015.gif
That story had nothing to do with my mother.
motherstory
↓
71edf2df-3405-404f-85f6-cde88f2973ce.gif
It had to do with me finally taking responsibility
finallyresponsibility
↓
0c6fc31d-0e07-4e8e-bdc5-62d7f20d7aae.gif
for my own actions.
actions
↓
93b67f8f-b139-41fe-9c7d-aefce2c9c2a5.gif
It just sounded like she may have been a little bit distant.
distantsounded
↓
150e83e0-a106-428d-8b62-49177f7ad414.gif
Well, that is none of your business.
business
↓
6b53f2ee-75b7-4e34-9424-4e2cb26779fa.gif
I swear, you are absolutely fixated on mothers.
absolutelyfixatedmothersswear
↓
2ef4981b-b5eb-48d1-a546-be4c3b107700.gif
I am not fixated.
fixated
↓
7ef26f74-0dde-4396-9957-e3d504a310a4.gif
Can you name one thing in your life that you don't blame on your mother?
blamelifemothername
↓
6420c3e4-a536-47cf-ad01-79ccbfc19ba8.gif
Sure.
↓
389b1418-5831-43c6-bf76-d81faa8c0c2f.gif
I'm sorry. I was just giving an opinion.
givingopinion
↓
db3a3f7b-62c9-4325-a28b-3dd69f679166.gif
Well, it's that pop psychology nonsense that's--
nonsensepsychology
↓
d167ad47-3e3c-4b7d-9718-236080eb77a9.gif
It is nothing to get defensive about.
defensive
↓
2070a9f5-5d94-4aa3-ba17-bb8fe3ec8291.gif
I am not defensive.
defensive
↓
75303889-e467-4e62-a814-d599424ad6a0.gif
Every time anybody denies a lie, they're called defensive.
anybodycalleddefensive
↓
5c010291-bd9e-4b19-97f8-ae3e62e5ebb5.gif
Fine. I take it back. Your mother was a saint.
mothersaint
↓
375386e3-f592-434c-9e17-a6d217e49d1e.gif
I am not saying that at all.
↓
1162550a-712b-418b-a5a8-dc6a56ed4bcb.gif
Does this look anything like a Q?
↓
b045c093-3d63-4187-901a-3dec8a2c3a8e.gif
Reese, just stop this. You're acting like a moron.
actingmoronreese
↓
623490d0-1927-42b2-95a1-0316a029eb2f.gif
And you're making no progress with Wendy.
progresswendy
↓
364033aa-7462-455d-b3a3-8526affe3d35.gif
And what the hell do you need a Q for anyway?
↓
81ac5923-87cf-4a6f-955e-672adfe15a63.gif
You're right. I'm terrible.
↓
4a3c28e4-3227-4344-998b-2b03bf10363c.gif
I'm just not coordinated unless I'm hitting somebody.
hittingsomebody
↓
f18f4b6f-1554-4117-aebe-7998e6a0f696.gif
But I really like her.
↓
1d6ac8b8-15b4-4820-8230-5b268ee914f7.gif
I have to get good.
↓
d5bb6ebc-4a36-4f14-a3d3-f49499c714dd.gif
Listen to the words.
words
↓
a87e4bb8-dbf9-45f9-b134-229a54f6c3d3.gif
Good. Boy. Cheerleader.
cheerleader
↓
3da39779-4c29-41c3-84f0-d3b780b1b2ca.gif
Quit while you still have some dignity.
dignityquit
↓
d8ede223-4d26-45cc-a08c-da6cb59d4aa9.gif
- Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter? - You can't even remember
quitterremember
↓
2dc17693-ce02-4387-b8d4-6266e7fdb241.gif
a simple six-step routine.
routinesimplestep
↓
89535134-8047-4398-a758-746d71358796.gif
There's six steps?
steps
↓
069d5026-97a9-48a8-8e7e-e0214d712ad2.gif
Yes. It's just right, left, right, left, reverse, pose.
leftposereverse
↓
815f0f9a-a64e-4416-83cb-20f1e9431bae.gif
- You remember that from just watching? - You guys did it like 10 times.
remembertimeswatching
↓
b0760274-7b86-4955-853d-1eb096736c8c.gif
So, you know my routine?
routine
↓
4b0b056f-d305-46ca-a73f-44c63de1e37e.gif
It's not that hard.
hard
↓
ffd3b2aa-41cb-409c-9b07-0a8755fa169a.gif
- But you know my routine. - Yes, I do.
routine
↓
e57fc1e4-c1b4-4979-9665-e0de52253d6d.gif
- Look, I know where this is going, and-- - No, you don't.
↓
1e3abd2b-455c-4fc6-a0bb-733aa7fbb22c.gif
- You're gonna help me. - That is where I was going.
↓
f4c242e7-7a5c-448e-8314-e6c9a6159089.gif
Oh, good. Let's get started.
started
↓
fbbbbedf-4a5c-4d67-a236-0c22d28c9021.gif
- No. - Oh, come on, you have to.
↓
38688d84-7028-4f92-9a65-ae6f862c543e.gif
No. Don't you know how embarrassing that could be for me?
embarrassing
↓
1bce1d5b-eb31-497b-9b76-3e357ea6ff67.gif
- I know what's more embarrassing. - What?
embarrassing
↓
63cd7177-74f0-463a-b8af-28a4e08d7127.gif
Getting beaten into a coma by a good boy cheerleader.
beatencheerleadercoma
↓
e8eebdc6-9d63-4357-b1da-547816b5fd1c.gif
My mother was neither a Madonna or a whore!
motherwhore
↓
74f7210f-6e50-4165-95cb-108bd21da59c.gif
She was a damn fine woman!
woman
↓
fea04f35-00d5-417b-837e-ef3e33ee56ae.gif
Stick your arms out! We have to sell this!
armssellstick
↓
3189842c-e547-4bb0-bb78-143a2d4e1e47.gif
Can you move your hand a little to the left?
handleft
↓
08f46b51-4e71-4d48-aa1c-e674b9bbe73c.gif
- Spread your legs! - No!
legsspread
↓
395daef2-9aae-4b72-bc0c-dfb29b60bdc3.gif
- I said spread your legs! - No!
legsspread
↓
9e97ea56-478d-4e2c-96c6-bc82297b519b.gif
It's time for the talk, Hal.
↓
fd492a63-b86c-4508-ab8c-8b21942369c7.gif
- Come on, spread your legs! - I'm not spreading my legs!
legsspreadspreading
↓
142c769c-8b75-45fc-8345-391452d5a86f.gif
Fight, fight, fight! Fight harder!
fightfight-fightfight-fight-fightharder
↓
77f04509-c7c6-4cda-851d-8870f688f4c6.gif
Wildcats, help us out, fight!
fightwildcats
↓
1e24940d-c629-4a70-b726-db3007111381.gif
Fight, fight, fight!
fightfight-fightfight-fight-fight
↓
3cd938ec-15f3-4cc4-8325-528af666a714.gif
Fight harder!
fightharder
↓
6aba9c7f-ff40-431b-86fa-936e441cc4c2.gif
Wildcats, help us out, fight!
fightwildcats
↓
5aca662b-1203-44c5-b47b-a131fb8364de.gif
We got spirit!
spirit
↓
3620d39b-ed6f-458d-80f0-c09e5eef340e.gif
Wildcats, we got spirit!
spiritwildcats
↓
60726f52-33dd-4d9d-8bd9-2e0921b99cdf.gif
Wildcats, we got what?
wildcats
↓
ba671d73-a308-4444-8937-3ac63215a881.gif
What, what, what?
↓
e9a4a059-11a4-411b-bd3c-389ad110764d.gif
What, what, what, what, what, what, what?
↓
3de0c8b1-3dd0-45f2-be9b-331098a57ea8.gif
We got spirit!
spirit
↓
3bbaa977-433c-465d-8462-77eece5c97e1.gif
Wildcats, we got spirit!
spiritwildcats
↓
16b84ddc-00f6-4840-b869-111ee0e3f2de.gif
Wildcats, we got what?
wildcats
↓
dc2f117b-9083-48eb-bb1f-965f23d59f6c.gif
What, what, what?
↓
de428e2b-8463-4900-8040-a0fd50186519.gif
What, what, what, what, what, what, what?
↓
b3a6320a-b816-4465-8a95-6d387ce83ff9.gif
We got spirit!
spirit
↓
3a8caa97-9a8b-42bf-8948-7c86e4ca6ce3.gif
Yes. Yes.
↓
9dbe2fd7-d3cf-45b3-9a49-6cef0aa9d993.gif
Reese, that was incredible.
incrediblereese
↓
3d9cdf9a-bb22-4b83-9bed-a52f02404dcc.gif
Who's been helping you on your spirit kicks?
helpingkicksspirit
↓
b5ba5ba4-00c5-44fe-b866-5ffee53ed2f2.gif
Come on, Reese, I really have to go.
reese
↓
ed9801ce-e4a6-4c2d-9d2c-5d8842d4142d.gif
I'm the most worthless, putrid loser in the world.
loserworldworthless
↓
1205f121-866d-41d1-bbaa-78bf6a20815e.gif
Everybody hates me.
everybodyeverybody-hateshates
↓
c63acd9f-dfc5-4745-81f2-2b11461ed121.gif
I hate me.
hate
↓
144cc8f6-9951-4f05-a209-8de6afeb8cbd.gif
- Your brother in there? - Where else?
brother
↓
3971640f-281e-4228-a510-2736b0fd6596.gif
Reese? Come on out. We need to have a talk.
reese
↓
303a89bb-daca-487c-9683-472dec068684.gif
- Finally. - No, Malcolm, you're in on this talk, too.
finallymalcolm
↓
e2fa30fe-3361-4cfe-9df2-cfd1d69eafd7.gif
Me? Why do I have to be here?
↓
bb1591c8-3c4f-4a1f-a1af-abc57de8c4f9.gif
Relax. It's going to be far worse for me than it is for you.
relaxworse
↓
50604843-096d-4a8f-9267-8c6b830c9a71.gif
Boys, this talk is very important, so I need your undivided attention.
attentionboysundividedundivided-attention
↓
7c896c50-2c53-46c8-a780-82d914a47d29.gif
It's very important that you be bored and squirm a lot.
bored
↓
deb71bc3-b2aa-4563-b44b-c2f3fb87e961.gif
Now, I wanna tell you about what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl.
girlhappenslikes
↓
ac15b919-7e52-409d-8994-3d5d62cbc5fc.gif
And, Dewey, I'll try to make this easy for you to understand.
deweyeasy
↓
6f3df88d-7a74-46ad-a6de-11a3d8c0052e.gif
Ah.
↓
5e1ef089-87c7-46f6-b1fa-80265e10deb6.gif
Aw, man, I still play with that.
↓
0b2a7117-f227-485e-97ce-af80b74cbfaf.gif
Here we go.
↓
f4977215-4e6d-4b01-8374-49c2cd2966f1.gif
You see, there's a certain thing that happens
certainhappens
↓
7c55f7cd-598b-40bc-bf59-f71df7c41834.gif
between normal, healthy people.
healthynormal
↓
6e0388d8-93f9-4f26-883e-994aaa6bf775.gif
It's called chemistry.
calledchemistry
↓
136fb6fc-0c6a-45e1-862a-a177b8d422fb.gif
Well, that doesn't happen. Except maybe the first time.
excepthappen
↓
fa82c33e-9af1-4767-b08a-448cb9da1822.gif
What does happen is this.
happen
↓
a2b848ff-6589-4c15-9e08-bfc4e9c4f289.gif
I like you.
↓
a93ae015-31d6-47bb-9324-fe47a5d9df15.gif
I like you, too.
↓
f342ad6d-0056-47ba-b946-2c39f2946cf5.gif
And if they love each other and take the proper precautions,
loveproper
↓
f5d0ee82-962a-4447-a7ef-c5ca7e8d56cd.gif
they'll have sex.
↓
76595cbe-e908-4ed9-b8c8-36b36b597d07.gif
- But I've told you about that already. - Not me.
↓
d186ae25-d6b7-4a85-a90a-de6b18d9d965.gif
Well, ask your brothers.
brothers
↓
1049ce17-2478-4859-8e4a-1ad9ead66d6e.gif
Now, unfortunately, if the boy is from our family,
familyunfortunately
↓
8a644b4b-5ecb-4b15-bfd6-c0467de11166.gif
it goes a little more like this.
↓
ed6562de-23b3-430f-bbd6-20d2d1360d6d.gif
I like you.
↓
99558a60-4260-4063-aa21-e4e31fb40080.gif
I hate you.
hate
↓
11fa7982-cacc-4d14-9923-d763007c5fdc.gif
Now I love you.
love
↓
703f832a-4036-41fd-a938-d69b7b0eda30.gif
Leave me alone.
alone
↓
c15db5da-4d28-4bda-b3b3-965c68c08c4c.gif
Your insane neediness is driving me away!
drivinginsane
↓
5195374c-36e7-4563-91c6-257fa5809290.gif
Look at me. Look at me.
↓
c890b55f-6a7c-4eb5-b398-47b8aee56c65.gif
Look. Oh, I'm crazy. Look what I can do.
crazy
↓
72015443-854f-49c7-93c5-465494c1e58c.gif
Pay attention to me.
attention
↓
355d084f-f6a1-4913-bfa0-bd327d80a927.gif
Look at me. Look at me. I'm crazy.
crazy
↓
b0dac380-64a3-463f-88ff-3de58da0c56b.gif
I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. Watch me crash and burn!
burncrashidiotwatch
↓
a5551b57-5810-44d2-b077-9f06b522e97c.gif
There's no explaining it. It's hereditary.
explaining
↓
51d8e5bd-37cd-4c73-9518-26b4af509edb.gif
And it goes back for generations.
generations
↓
6823532f-b8d0-412c-917f-826067e738d5.gif
Francis has it, so does Uncle Pete.
francispeteuncle
↓
b9f627e8-ea90-498b-a5cc-dcfd3c07fd2a.gif
It's why your great grandpa went to work on that oil rig in Peru.
grandpa
↓
05ed6a96-8489-41f0-974b-f17af0e64131.gif
All I know is your mother must carry some sort of internal antidote,
carryinternalmothermust
↓
a021cf6d-1aa3-4e5a-a3b5-0fb5bf06af11.gif
because, through some fluke, I was lucky enough to get her.
flukelucky
↓
67aa17eb-3749-4a4c-b329-5c56c4a0c848.gif
I just wanted you boys to know what you were in for.
boyswanted
↓
ce621d93-0d13-46e7-8105-cc7754808dc8.gif
There was so much I wanted to tell her.
wanted
↓
0cf98883-c048-4d9f-a9b6-14c85e041f61.gif
But she was gone.
gone
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And I...
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- I... - Come on, sir.
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- Just say it. - I hated her!
hated
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All these issues with my mother.
issuesmother
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I know now that this was not an accident.
accident
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You know, talking with you has...
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helped me work out some things with my own family.
familyhelped
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I mean, all those years I blamed my parents
blamedparentsyears
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for every senseless act of self-destruction.
destructionselfsenseless
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And all this time, I was at least partially responsible
leastpartiallyresponsible
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for a couple of them.
couple
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It really means a lot to me to know
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that I can come to you when I need to talk.
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Familiarity breeds contempt, cadet.
cadetcontempt
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- What are you doing? - What's the point?
point
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You heard Dad. I'm doomed.
doomedheard
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You can't quit. I've worked too hard for you to quit now.
hardquitworked
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I hate to inform you, brain boy, it's not about you, it's about me.
brainhateinform
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That's before I spent an entire day with your hand on my ass!
entirehandspent
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- You owe me! - I can't help you.
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Yes, you can!
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You can break the cycle Dad was talking about.
breakcycle
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- You have to talk to Wendy. - I can't. I freeze up.
freezewendy
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Do you wanna end up like Francis? Or Uncle Pete?
francispeteuncle
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I don't care anymore. Anything's better than this.
anymoreanythingscarecare-anymore
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Even marrying Mom?
marrying
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Dewey, your mother and I wanna talk to you.
deweymother
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You're a good boy.
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But in life, being good doesn't always get you the things you want.
life
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I guess what I'm trying to say
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is that when your mother and I don't buy you a toy,
mother
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it doesn't mean that we don't love you.
love
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You just have to learn that disappointment is all part of being a grown-up.
disappointmentgrownlearnpart
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But, luckily, you're not a grown-up yet.
grownluckily
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- Ta-da. - Wow!
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Oh, come on, how cute is that?
cute
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- Break me. - Okay.
break
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Okay, second row.
second
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Sorry.
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- Second row. - Okay, ready?
readysecond
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- Here we go. - Ready?
ready
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- Get in there. - All right.
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Wendy?
wendy
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Did you say something?
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Wendy, I really like you.
wendy
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Like when a boy likes a girl, normal and healthy.
girlhealthylikesnormal
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I'm sorry for hurting you all those times.
hurtingtimes
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I'm really not a bad guy.
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Anyways...
anyways
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Thanks.
thanks
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I like you, too.
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- Really? - Yeah.
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I even kind of liked your bad boy side, too.
likedside
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God.
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- Call... - Oh, God.
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- Oh, my God. - 9...
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1...
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Hello, Mother?
mother
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It's Edwin.
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Yes, it has been a long time.
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So, be sure to try the new and improved Chip-A-Roo cookie today.
chipcookieimprovedtoday
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I can make you taller, I can make you better-looking.
lookingtaller
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If you eat enough of me, I can make you president.
president
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Maybe even emperor of the world.
emperorworld
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Honey, can you buy me a box of these cookies?
cookieshoney
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Make it two.
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Make it two boxes.
boxes