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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S01E11 — Funeral

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 1, Episode 11 — Funeral

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Funeral
Air date: April 09, 2000
Director: Arlene Sanford
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
A relative's funeral conflicts with Malcolm's plans for his very first date, so he tries to figure out a way to skip the bereavement ceremony.
Source: TMDB
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I'll say yon grey is not the morning's eye
greymornings
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'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia's brow
browpalereflex
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Nor that is not the lark Whose notes do beat
beatnotes
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The vaulty heavens So high above our head
headheavens
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I have more care to stay than will to go
care
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Come, death, and welcome
deathwelcome
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Yes, he nailed it.
nailed
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It was just beautiful.
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Before you say anything, just remember we're best friends.
bestbest-friendsfriendsremember
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So, that wheelchair isn't gonna stop me from kicking your ass.
kickingwheelchair
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Bring it on, Homey-O.
bringhomey
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
questionrepeat
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Now, honey, that's not quite true.
honey
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It's actually your head that shrinks.
headshrinks
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Now, go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral.
auntfuneralhelensready
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Julie, listen, I'm sorry I'm canceling out so late.
cancelingjulielate
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That's okay. I mean, it's a funeral.
funeral
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So, were you close with your aunt?
auntclose
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- Who's Jimmy? - Jimmy Westcott. He plays football.
footballjimmyplays
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Bye.
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Oh, yeah. Life's fair.
fairlifes
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- Did you call that girl? - Yes, I called her.
calledgirl
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I called and told her I couldn't go to the concert.
calledconcert
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And now she's gonna invite someone else.
invite
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Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister,
malcolmmotherssister
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the woman who took care of me every day after school,
careschoolwoman
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had to die and inconvenience your social life.
inconveniencelifesocial
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She does it on purpose.
purpose
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I could have made up a million different escape plans,
escapemillionplans
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but now my brain is filled with mom guilt.
brainfilledguilt
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Who's this?
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- How should I know? - Hal?
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Beats me.
beats
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Dewey?
dewey
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- Is this a friend of yours? - Uh-huh.
friend
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- Who is he? - I don't know.
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What's your name, son?
name
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Egg.
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- Did he say "Greg"? - I thought he said "Craig."
craiggreg
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His name is Egg.
name
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- "Egg"? - I named him.
named
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Well, you can't keep him. He needs to go home, okay?
homeneeds
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Okay.
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This stinks.
stinks
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Whether it's a wedding, a funeral, or court date,
courtdatefuneralweddingwhether
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these family gatherings are always the same.
family
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I can't take my hands off that face!
facehands
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I can't wait till I get zits.
till
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At least then, I can fight back.
fightleast
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Hal, you have to get ready, why are you still messing around
messingready
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with those record albums?
albumsrecord
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I thought I was gonna spend today in the garage,
garagespendtoday
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listening to them on my quadraphonic.
listening
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But now that we're going to the funeral, I have to reseal the shrink wrap.
funeralshrinkwrap
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- Hal. - I'll hurry, okay.
hurry
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I have to get my speech ready, anyway.
readyspeech
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Honey, you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
funeralhoney
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Wish that were true.
wish
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See how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
somebodywords
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They're not looking to you, but at you.
looking
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"To," "at." What's the difference?
difference
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- Hello? - Hey, Mom, I'm just warning you.
warning
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Someone claiming to be the commandant might call you soon.
claimingcommandantmight
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It's this guy down the hall.
hall
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Just play along and pretend you believe him.
alongbelievepretend
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He's totally harmless.
harmless
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Francis, I can't talk to you right now. We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral.
auntfrancisfuneralhelens
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Aunt Helen died?
auntaunt-helendiedhelen
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Well, I sure hope so. We're going to her funeral.
funeralhope
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When did she die?
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- Mom, why didn't anybody tell me? - Well, honey, we just didn't wanna have
anybodyhoney
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- to worry you over nothing. - Nothing? She's dead!
deadworry
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How's Uncle Fred taking it?
freduncle
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I don't think he's thought about it. He died months ago.
diedmonths
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- What? - Francis, I'm sorry. I really have to go.
francis
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- Here. Talk to your brother. - Mom?
brother
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Hello?
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All right, let's see it.
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I can't breathe.
breathe
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Fine. You know the drill.
drill
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Upgrade.
upgrade
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See? Problem solved.
problemproblem-solvedsolved
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Hello?
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Oh.
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Okay. You can wear one of the suits that Uncle Fred left you.
fredleftsuitsunclewear
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Oh, Mom, a dead suit?
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Cool. A dead suit.
cooldeadsuit
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Dewey, why don't you help your friend find his way out?
deweyfriend
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I did. He keeps coming back.
comingkeepskeeps-coming
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- This thing's an open casket, right? - I think so. Why?
casketopen
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Because I'm gonna stash this with Aunt Helen.
auntaunt-helenhelenstash
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- What is that? - It's a Mighty Man.
mighty
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Mom and Dad had it in the back of their closet.
closet
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It's Dewey's birthday next week. This is his present.
birthdaydeweyspresentweek
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Oh.
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- What'd you do to it? - I stomped on it.
stompedwhatd
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Why would you do that?
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Look, I don't know why I do the things I do.
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I just know I don't wanna get caught.
caught
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That's why Aunt Helen is getting a new friend.
auntaunt-helenfriendhelen
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You're gonna bury that with her? You are so dead.
burydead
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Hey, I watch lawyer shows.
lawyershowswatch
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Mom will think I did it, but she can't prove it without this.
prove
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It's in the Constitution. No evidence, no conviction.
constitutionconvictionevidence
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E pluribus unum.
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Oh, yeah.
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Hi, honey. Hey, you know, I found my joke cards.
cardsfoundhoneyjoke
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For some reason, they were behind the water heater.
behindheaterreasonwater
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- Really? - Hey, how's this?
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"A priest, a rabbi and Uncle Fred--"
fredpriestuncle
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Oh, well, Aunt Helen. "Are playing golf with St. Peter."
auntaunt-helengolfhelenpeterplaying
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Hal, please!
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Hey, have you seen my pun file? It's in a box marked "laughter thoughts."
filelaughtermarkedseenthoughts
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Laughter thoughts?
laughterthoughts
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- How did she die? - Cats ate her face.
catsface
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Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
askingauntaunt-helenconfuseddeweyhelen
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- Cats ate her face. - Look, would you just put Mom
catsface
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or Dad on the phone?
phone
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- Hello? - Dad.
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What happened to Aunt Helen?
auntaunt-helenhappenedhelen
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Cats ate her face. Well, here, Dewey knows more about it than I do.
catsdeweyfaceknows
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Mom, I hate wearing Reese's hand-me-downs.
downshandhatereeseswearing
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Look at this.
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Jelly in the pockets, the fly is broken,
brokenjellypockets
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and it smells like wet dog.
smells
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Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.
gladwore
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You know, I'm trying to be there for Mom.
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But the annoyances are starting to outweigh the guilt.
guiltstarting
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I'm this close to sneaking out of the whole thing.
closesneakingwhole
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I suppose you're entitled to complain.
complainentitledsuppose
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After all, it's only my Aunt Helen.
auntaunt-helenhelen
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What is she, a mind reader?
mindreader
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Then there were ants on her bones, and the police came.
antsbonespolice
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Dad, listen.
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Hey, can you think of anything that rhymes with cadaver?
cadaverrhymes
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- Dad, how long is this funeral gonna take? - Including traveling time? All day.
funeralincludingtraveling
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I know, I know. But remember, it'll make your mom happy.
happyitllremember
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Mom really loved Aunt Helen, huh?
auntaunt-helenhelenloved
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Oh, God, no. Your mom hated her.
hated
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- What? She hated her? - Mm.
hated
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Everyone did. Horrible woman.
horriblehorrible-womanwoman
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I used to have to forbid her from calling here
callingforbidused
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because she always made your mom cry.
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I can't believe Mom tricked me like that.
believetricked
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I'll tell you one thing,
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I now consider myself totally free to ditch this funeral.
considerditchfreefuneral
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I gotta call Julie.
julie
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- Hello? - Malcolm.
malcolm
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Thank God! Somebody I can talk to.
somebody
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- Sorry, I have to make a call. - No--
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So, your aunt's not dead?
auntsdead
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No. It turned out to be one of those comas where they think you're dead
deadturned
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and they put you on the embalmer's table, and you wake up at the last second.
secondtablewake
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It was a close call.
close
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Uh, okay. I guess we'll pick you up at two.
pick
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Great.
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I figure I'll commit to it first, and come up with a plan later.
commitfigureplan
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I always think better under pressure.
pressure
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Or is it when I'm not under pressure?
pressure
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Oh, well, too late now.
late
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05b3bd5d-e21b-4184-b02f-249794b77ce8.gif
- I'm ready to go. - Yeah. Hey!
ready
↓
0f6cab94-30da-460d-80bf-8d69ff0eab1f.gif
You're taking a backpack to the funeral?
backpackfuneral
↓
d783d90d-656c-4baa-a4c3-e54b57e2e81b.gif
My back gets cold.
cold
↓
504bb656-cac8-446c-b010-dff25aa0d3f2.gif
Fair enough.
fair
↓
2893e952-2598-4d5b-81ed-c24210741a45.gif
Look, Francis, I guess I get scattered. Sometimes I forget what I told you,
forgetfrancisscatteredsometimes
↓
4a0574bd-e868-4e37-a5ca-61f16eb385b5.gif
- and you're not here, so I don't-- - I'm not there because you sent me away.
sent
↓
b9b2c0cd-6eec-4ce1-9d11-38971ef1bd34.gif
I swear, I'm not even a part of this family anymore.
anymorefamilypartswear
↓
17b402d7-55cd-4144-a969-9714dfb8236d.gif
Francis, it's very important that you understand that is not true.
francis
↓
3a3af009-3c16-4a07-b9f2-4f39333680c1.gif
- But I don't have time right now. - I understand.
↓
b8398d48-7766-46de-baef-044e281f6be9.gif
It's not like it's a matter of life and death.
deathlifematter
↓
e07f202d-9cf6-4517-91ab-3eb694fb2079.gif
Oh, wait, it is!
↓
bb565b76-6ae7-4a9e-92d0-4a73200a0a94.gif
Anyone else die in the last five minutes I should know about?
fivefive-minutesminutes
↓
c12d7ee9-326c-4029-af89-c592fe27c0a1.gif
You wanna know everything that's been happening?
↓
46db1ca0-2399-4621-b13d-841b56da5a01.gif
Your father mowed the lawn, Reese polished off all the cereal,
cerealfatherlawnpolishedreese
↓
d42afff3-b75f-44d7-b450-21e115d0b730.gif
and I dropped a frying pan on my foot and got a big black toe.
blackdroppedfoot
↓
2eb9db84-7be2-47b3-8238-baaf0d875c49.gif
Want me to send a picture?
picturesend
↓
5a04aa57-1c8c-427d-ae09-79d7b61d6d00.gif
Egg, cut it out.
↓
32128a24-dc15-4578-9001-8812fb4b7555.gif
- Who is Egg? - Oh, he's a new boy in the house.
house
↓
fc9b454e-db42-4fb8-a140-05f555b44f1d.gif
What?
↓
351c02da-d514-419e-96ed-133319fb0c0c.gif
Okay. It'll only hurt for a second, and I'll get out of the funeral.
funeralhurtitllsecond
↓
7bb7a6c5-8d77-4e1e-9eab-8924ce263ee1.gif
I can tell Julie a really cool story about how I got my black eye.
blackcooljuliestory
↓
79a25d75-6439-427e-be76-f80487d6a562.gif
I'm so gutless.
↓
9b51e583-8034-4eee-be28-6cb2e83509da.gif
Why are you taking so long? Let's go.
↓
36871595-1d50-4905-99b9-6329c400d4ce.gif
Reese, listen.
reese
↓
329fb216-91f1-4b24-9763-85e584a3273e.gif
I know it sounds crazy, but I need you to hit me.
crazysoundssounds-crazy
↓
8ab34a72-eb51-486d-b1cd-705beed3d0df.gif
You idiot.
idiot
↓
8313f3a6-d067-4cfb-a6ff-fd55d93ec426.gif
In the eye.
↓
38afe9d6-280c-4837-992c-3838b25275e1.gif
And leave a mark for Mom to see?
mark
↓
58edda40-11ad-43e7-b2d1-4777be4e774a.gif
Forget it. No bruises, no evidence.
evidenceforget
↓
fa3a5563-94eb-4551-a383-ffc49351701c.gif
No crime.
crime
↓
22da6f54-7673-41e5-8f1d-363d60d46c87.gif
I guess we move on to Plan B.
plan
↓
ece20ba0-6067-4dbf-aeb4-1a8349312325.gif
Lying.
lying
↓
b61f796b-cf99-41d7-818f-880078ba7315.gif
What book report?
bookbook-reportreport
↓
430ff82f-af26-4490-b22b-cf0ecfacc9a4.gif
I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow.
bookbook-reportrememberedreporttomorrow
↓
6e72efe3-3b87-4b52-84ff-b15b0b1b44ca.gif
And I haven't even started reading it.
readingstarted
↓
18d950d7-1d3d-4671-a7e3-f25fdf36f978.gif
Standard technique, you volunteer a small crime
crimestandardtechniquevolunteer
↓
6133272f-a9b1-4766-92c5-552e875c1e48.gif
to distract them from looking for the big one.
distractlooking
↓
f3b1c022-0b7a-43b5-b109-fbac0c453560.gif
- So, what's the report on? - A Tale of Two Cities.
citiesreporttale
↓
5c78eea1-0983-4866-99be-cce8b258be5b.gif
- Oh. How many words? - Seven hundred fifty.
fiftyhundredsevenwords
↓
c8f04e42-53ce-4c37-807f-954a34a5e198.gif
- It's on your assignment? - No, it's an addendum.
assignment
↓
094c6160-33fb-4205-aad5-2dc26a2d6d38.gif
- When did you get that? - Thursday. I didn't bring it home.
bringhomethursday
↓
dfbb7448-716d-44d8-ade6-16a83db60139.gif
That's why I forgot to do the assignment. Oh, nice one.
assignmentforgot
↓
59f0199c-55f9-42f3-a865-4a9da2980c7e.gif
Well, I suppose if it's schoolwork...
schoolworksuppose
↓
c435e94c-073e-4a76-9dd4-8913f579101f.gif
That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
reverse
↓
21998f47-e821-48c8-975e-d8acabaa9e69.gif
A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
citiestale
↓
f27e0081-d0e9-44ad-982e-d1f6d58aca62.gif
- Charles Dickens. - Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
charlesdickensvictor
↓
12e9bf9c-75b2-45b0-8f02-3bca88c977c7.gif
- No, it's Dickens. - Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
dickensjean
↓
81d183eb-40b5-45ef-8297-a7dba67c0480.gif
That's Les Misérables.
↓
2e70a445-711d-44f8-af27-b5b5a2ef42f4.gif
No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean,
citiesjeantale
↓
3f9e8da8-022c-45b6-9e0b-8e41826ff045.gif
where he's says,
↓
00b56eaa-1763-471d-8378-767c6042850e.gif
"It's a far, far better thing I do," before he steals a loaf of bread?
breadloafsteals
↓
2b6775eb-974a-48af-be5d-e7a36e91c793.gif
No. Sydney Carton says that right before they behead him.
carton
↓
be80ff74-2455-4f54-8457-ecf5d6d1a7f8.gif
I thought you hadn't read it.
read
↓
a25192c5-b28c-46e1-8f09-e90f25b8fc40.gif
What? No. I said, I hadn't written it.
written
↓
5a632856-9e2d-47c9-8837-03c6e5fa9c16.gif
- And when is it due? - Tomorrow, I told you.
tomorrow
↓
5699c1f2-df8a-4cb7-824b-ecf02036a68a.gif
- On Les Misérables? - Yes. No. It's on Tale of Two Cities.
citiestale
↓
f2095cd0-e99c-4fb5-96d7-39d1369f0596.gif
- Which you haven't read. - Right.
read
↓
7ee0225b-1e40-4b7d-966a-8d3bc53db95a.gif
But you just said you did.
↓
e4ffddca-663a-4805-b1cf-3a2f5fd3007a.gif
No, I said I didn't, and then you said...
↓
2eae25c7-e18e-49f4-a8b2-e81fd09adec4.gif
It was Thursday, and...
thursday
↓
195857c3-d437-4c4e-9f90-972ac70a6ea3.gif
Look, I just don't wanna go to this stupid funeral.
funeralstupid
↓
20ba98c8-de97-423d-be9f-e1fcb6661668.gif
There's no reason for me to go, and I wanna go to the concert with Julie.
concertjuliereason
↓
e7abb193-f4f3-4d4a-9ad7-584e481f8064.gif
Let's go, let's go. I'll be waiting in the car.
waiting
↓
7f7878c4-92aa-446e-88de-45f45b793010.gif
Malcolm? I am ashamed of you.
ashamedmalcolm
↓
dff2314c-5358-430f-b0e0-b47bd9365fcd.gif
Wanting to deny your poor Aunt Helen her due.
auntaunt-helendenyhelenpoorwanting
↓
8249a7af-7ca7-491f-aae3-04c82af3ad66.gif
No, that won't work on me.
↓
420dfbbe-7974-4251-b079-859d0deb5b40.gif
I know you didn't love Aunt Helen. You hated her.
auntaunt-helenhatedhelenlove
↓
a672f645-82df-47be-a027-b5afe34901e9.gif
Of course I hated her.
coursehated
↓
811585cd-a318-4737-aa13-17e38106246b.gif
- What does that have to do with anything? - What?
↓
3fbd8f79-d7f3-424d-be0c-1181045194b3.gif
Malcolm, this isn't about love. It's about family.
familylovemalcolm
↓
90f0475e-01e5-4ddc-8689-8688a9d39504.gif
We have a duty to this family, and we are darn well gonna do it.
darndutyfamily
↓
552ef7b0-cfeb-4ab0-94fd-054394f09f64.gif
But why? It's not fair.
fair
↓
494e517b-e2d1-4285-bc00-0a569710fcac.gif
You can't just stick the word "family" in front of something
familyfrontstickword
↓
e1d550f0-0bf7-4de8-bc85-34c33be9608e.gif
and turn everyone else into slaves.
slaves
↓
4976fb39-07ab-4059-9fb0-4174d508c830.gif
It makes no sense. No one liked this woman.
likedmakessensewoman
↓
41f03f99-82c6-457c-b32d-7cb3f7770bd9.gif
So, why do we have to pretend like we did now?
pretend
↓
1c4b2d9e-31b2-4e97-9f29-919cd01bc203.gif
What good will it do anybody?
anybody
↓
2cb81b5b-0648-41bc-8758-780aad34ae59.gif
Hal?
↓
ac784044-4bab-4fa0-acbf-01c45c1f9415.gif
- I got nothing. - I could really use some support here.
support
↓
91f1fe5b-c9d3-48ff-a99a-5a2c2ee6accc.gif
Excuse me? I am being incredibly supportive.
excuseincrediblysupportive
↓
12752df8-b07b-4d5c-a8f8-08a6b2312b87.gif
I'm giving up my day for this thing, and you don't hear me complaining.
complaininggiving
↓
98ff45f4-cbf6-4208-8b30-6c1f1d2c6d74.gif
Hal, it was a bunch of old record albums.
albumsbunchrecord
↓
4d024878-1011-4fa8-845c-71ee6955efdc.gif
It's not like you're not giving up something important.
giving
↓
8b79edf8-3d9d-44bc-8158-698276b4357e.gif
They're important to me.
↓
ebdd669b-97d0-4389-b3d0-bac7d7157b0c.gif
You people. I can't believe you. I asked you to do one thing that--
askedbelieve
↓
7cca9301-8490-4e89-9253-ec53dbf569bb.gif
You're not asking, you're ordering.
askingordering
↓
ebad63cd-b02f-4914-9693-4cf9a9703c3a.gif
After all I do for this family.
family
↓
2a8bc1eb-1ddb-4877-8c65-ee6ea9bcd516.gif
I cook, I clean, I spackle, I plunge.
cleancook
↓
70bec989-7021-4ad1-abb5-ca3717b10e0a.gif
And none of it means anything to any of you people.
↓
1e5bf01d-20fe-4686-bdd4-6802da3763ac.gif
And the one time I ask you for something, something I shouldn't have to ask you for,
↓
24b60975-6090-467b-8b00-fbdd2f4f34d4.gif
and all I get are complaints.
complaints
↓
1aa788b5-02e4-4288-811a-0b65f0ec6ead.gif
Well, what about me?
↓
f2f2e528-33aa-411a-b546-0340c5972313.gif
Hmm? You think I wanna be cleaning out the gutters
cleaninggutters
↓
156045b1-0d63-4984-99d1-a2136c901b0a.gif
when I could be surfing the beaches of Europe
beacheseuropesurfing
↓
1115129f-df3f-475e-b802-6f9ee5158b15.gif
or cruising around on my hog?
cruising
↓
2f137187-0aa8-4422-8933-69a0a0b75754.gif
- What hog? - Aha!
↓
f337ae00-4d4b-42ca-92d9-c6c1c545cbff.gif
Exactly. Where's my hog?
↓
a251d376-8e92-49eb-8882-030822d26d7a.gif
- Where do you think you're going? - I have had it.
↓
51d08a5d-f2bc-4d9c-937e-dd88cd74648f.gif
From now on, no one has to do anything. We can all do whatever we want.
↓
c7cec38a-19e4-4fde-a40c-3da76e0408dd.gif
And I want to take a bubble bath!
bathbubble
↓
81510b2e-1bed-4f88-b75c-96213f832996.gif
Fine.
↓
a3343b8e-f457-4152-8ab2-55b82a3e6303.gif
So, that's a "yes" on the concert?
concert
↓
5e65e52e-abd2-4142-b5c7-e7201ec4c859.gif
Come on, come on.
↓
468b9f80-0b0e-422b-b07a-37e0277c34ab.gif
- Are you gonna be in there all day? - If I feel like it.
↓
e156fe6e-adc4-420c-90aa-6c4877a03869.gif
Fine. Just so you know, when I'm done in the garage,
garage
↓
733fccfa-b5ee-4151-b793-b05ab3219f0c.gif
I'm using the bathroom whether you're in here or not.
bathroomusingwhether
↓
713c2787-7a88-4f3a-9262-8525bf5bbb05.gif
Mom? I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral.
auntfuneralhelens
↓
6f3edc41-3cea-44be-b73a-38fa787af03a.gif
I mean, she was a good woman. It's the least we can do.
leastwoman
↓
8660eca3-c85d-406c-8d9d-9c58ffdeef81.gif
I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I don't like it.
pull
↓
a978a359-ccd9-4d6c-a7b9-244d410c09e9.gif
- Am I the only one that cared about her? - Yes, you're the good one.
cared
↓
30e8a722-01fe-49ca-8c87-22531d680ba4.gif
Enjoy your moment in the sun. Now, get out of here.
enjoymoment
↓
d038a078-d1e1-4106-ba44-a7262e4b725f.gif
This is "me time."
↓
8ef1810a-77a3-48f8-9b79-3f4fc3a80f1a.gif
Hey, Reese, which one stinks more?
reesestinks
↓
2d393819-978f-4bb5-b84a-9a909396e439.gif
What's your problem?
problem
↓
b20b025a-8921-44e5-8932-0c8f2cc52ebf.gif
You couldn't keep your big mouth shut until after the funeral.
funeralmouth
↓
ac967fd3-702d-4d0d-8a58-a066d89020c8.gif
Now I'll have to wait for another relative to die to bury this thing.
anotherburyrelative
↓
7636a495-d9c2-47cb-9d0d-e3fafd391ad6.gif
- It could be weeks. - You'll think of something.
weeks
↓
69e93d58-7639-43dc-b718-ebf3f50154b8.gif
No, I won't.
↓
5c327994-ecaf-4dcf-b14d-6aaa720d73d4.gif
You have good ideas all the time.
ideas
↓
29827fb7-bb9b-4380-8581-ce007f4a7a5d.gif
But for me, this was special.
special
↓
e9803ddb-661a-4943-a6b3-01030d359af6.gif
Hey. You can't leave this mess. I've got a guest coming over.
comingguestmess
↓
4b1058b1-792f-47c7-8160-75565ef30917.gif
Too bad. Thanks to you, no one has to do anything anymore.
anymorethanks
↓
238d23e7-d00e-4e51-b5ae-6b315c21e890.gif
It's anarchy, baby.
anarchybaby
↓
9e79735e-cbff-40f5-a283-f60e419772b9.gif
That's the word, right?
word
↓
39c9f66e-b7d6-4310-8890-62ab4d1e86f8.gif
Um... Mom?
↓
e7ffba29-9b07-41b2-8c9d-06dfeb1d84dd.gif
I was just wondering if you could wash this shirt for me?
shirtwashwondering
↓
b8df4536-8592-438b-ad3a-977e569652a0.gif
You must be joking.
jokingmust
↓
2a38de5e-4836-4487-8e56-5baf3afedf1c.gif
You're the only one that knows
knows
↓
37dbb5cd-f079-4c71-95b9-4cf7f4694445.gif
how to use the washer and dryer without getting shocked.
dryershockedwasher
↓
b599a9cc-eb59-41d1-a929-800557e2a548.gif
Please?
↓
faef5dc2-7b74-4245-ad1f-ea948cf3cbf9.gif
Well, since you said please.
↓
f84f6142-f565-43c3-b209-f1c1f3d67e37.gif
Here you go. All washed.
washed
↓
85e1fde7-2911-4ebf-9a9f-2767c2225329.gif
I think you've been in the garage long enough.
garage
↓
bd17a08d-421c-44d7-921e-3adae5bb916e.gif
Okay.
↓
09634994-46fa-4d04-af46-49666bab407d.gif
Gosh.
gosh
↓
164e54bf-e201-49d6-87df-124f0cf0aded.gif
Well, no, no, no.
↓
460fcaf9-82ae-4070-b81b-fcdc8c3adf27.gif
You are gonna get your own outlet.
outlet
↓
99522d6b-1517-4b2b-850f-dd7c04983776.gif
Uh... okay, here we go.
↓
d794fcc8-2fb8-456e-9d5e-dcfbd744cb26.gif
Okay.
↓
b74dd77b-333d-4925-b3cf-75316bb2befc.gif
Okay, here we are.
↓
a56919ce-e481-4cad-ae5b-a5afa7400d53.gif
Come on.
↓
3fd430ed-6bbc-4e64-b61c-4313e6d81641.gif
Come on. God.
↓
a13cc44d-7a82-4ce4-9cbd-4dd2a43040d7.gif
Gotcha.
gotcha
↓
fd12e6c7-33d7-4cf8-98f4-7f946e8790b9.gif
No, not my problem today.
problemtoday
↓
0a17c96b-a376-4fbb-9a04-0b36c6733bfc.gif
♪ Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪
tonight
↓
b333ff26-b703-4074-9fe9-7984d11ce8e1.gif
♪ I got the feeling That something ain't right ♪
aintfeeling
↓
57fa9ff6-42d7-4e27-896a-6bc7e1b5dacf.gif
Hand me that loofah.
hand
↓
9068cebd-3a8b-43a7-bff6-1aa4cd27cf2a.gif
He wants juice.
juicewants
↓
db192dcd-4505-48bd-93ae-f0186f4596af.gif
Go get your own juice.
juice
↓
c4d975ca-303f-4153-9eed-d89175ea7d77.gif
You said I'm not supposed to.
supposed
↓
7a6caad6-71a9-4a45-b1a5-e43615c7f650.gif
You're right.
↓
2d0864ab-99c9-445b-a72a-6744a7feb319.gif
♪ Clowns to the left of me... ♪
clownsleft
↓
710751ea-dd29-4499-a0ac-4dad6f570537.gif
Okay, from now on, you are officially old enough to get your own juice.
juiceofficially
↓
6700ad69-23c3-4515-b44e-24fafdc8a7c4.gif
Poof.
poof
↓
ab35b3cb-3ea6-45e6-aae4-4ad757d717e4.gif
♪ Stuck in the middle with you ♪
middlestuck
↓
976cd24f-12ae-4e00-bf93-ae6087e2873c.gif
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
middlestuck
↓
7713e248-f4ea-476a-940e-4340898ea511.gif
♪ And I'm wondering What it is I should do... ♪
wondering
↓
93347131-e692-4d68-b48a-211391e74e4a.gif
Darn it.
darn
↓
ad2d263a-562c-437d-a243-b5262c99d73a.gif
Darn it.
darn
↓
32a30fa6-9d61-450d-bd93-a828eb14564d.gif
Darn it.
darn
↓
b2ac7dfb-029b-480c-a887-cc2d95581159.gif
Mom, I spilled!
spilled
↓
6c57611c-acdc-42b0-a267-e6cb467c3275.gif
So? Clean it up.
clean
↓
13b5d939-76ea-4b86-a4a8-76cee5cc6149.gif
♪ Jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪
jokersmiddlestuck
↓
6da709f4-0ccf-4e78-840e-f7649759a89c.gif
♪ Well, you started out with nothing... ♪
started
↓
099872d1-d32c-4d98-9e0d-1493f43fb5bb.gif
Green apple soap.
applegreensoap
↓
a367b650-9ddc-41c2-9d1b-963ff38711b2.gif
Girls like green apples, right?
applesgirlsgreen
↓
d3549960-9847-481e-b415-4fc7d726dd84.gif
Oh, man, she got my pants wet, too.
pants
↓
d9d8c18f-0a9d-4a89-b61c-911217ef9c5e.gif
♪ Clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right, here I am ♪
clownsjokersleft
↓
4f880883-a8fd-4a11-b361-49ed6f30ea2e.gif
Hello?
↓
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Is Malcolm here?
malcolm
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- Ah! - Is Malcolm here?
malcolm
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- Huh? - Malcolm!
malcolm
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Malcolm?
malcolm
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- Julie. - Nothing.
julie
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Oh, my God. Are you okay?
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I just wanted to be nice!
wanted
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People told me not to come to your house, but I thought they were just being silly.
housesilly
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Julie, I'm sorry. Things aren't usually like this.
julieusually
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Just give me a minute, and I'll be ready to go.
minuteready
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I don't wanna go anymore. Just leave me alone!
aloneanymore
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♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs-- ♪
stairswondering
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How could you let her see me in my underwear?
underwear
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Mom, this has gone too far. You have to do something.
gone
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It's not supposed to be like this. We're not supposed to injure my friends.
friendssupposed
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We're not supposed to let people see me in my underpants.
supposedunderpants
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We're supposed to be there for each other.
supposed
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Like when a family member dies, and we're supposed to go to their funeral?
diesfamilyfamily-memberfuneralmembersupposed
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I'll be in my room.
room
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Then she slid into the trash and ran off.
trash
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I swear, this whole family is falling apart.
apartfallingfalling-apartfamilyswearwholewhole-family
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Yes. I knew this moment would come.
moment
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They don't have their scapegoat around, so everything goes to hell.
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No one realized that I'm the one who held this family together.
familyheldrealized
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Without me to blame everything on,
blame
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they don't know what to do with themselves.
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- A scapegoat. Thanks. - Mom thinks--
thanksthinks
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He's right. This family needs a scapegoat.
familyneeds
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I started this, so I should be the one to end it.
started
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I did a terrible thing today.
today
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I tore this family apart, and I'm really sorry for that.
apartfamilytore
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But it's not half as bad as what Reese did.
halfreese
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Oh, my God.
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- I'm Mighty Man... - Was this Dewey's present?
deweysmightypresent
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Present?
present
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Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was?
expensivereese
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- Hal? - I'm on it.
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That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
brother
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There's more. He was gonna bury it with Aunt Helen.
auntaunt-helenburyhelen
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You were gonna make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man?
auntaunt-helencrushedeternityhelenmightyspend
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A Mighty Man?
mighty
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- I can't believe you. - This is a whole new low, Reese.
believereesewhole
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First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that got in my backpack.
backpack
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As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done
auntaunt-helenbusinesshelenknowswouldve
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at that funeral, because we're not going.
funeral
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- Who says we're not going? - You did.
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Well, you can guess again.
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You're gonna march right to that coffin, and apologize to that poor, dead woman.
apologizecoffindeadmarchpoorwoman
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We all are.
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All right, everyone in the car as is.
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We'll have to drive creatively, but we might make it.
drivemight
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Let's go. Chop, chop. Here we go!
chopchop-chop
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Egg! Come on!
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Aunt Helen used to say, "Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone."
auntaunt-helengonehelenmissused
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And, uh, by the looks of today's turnout,
todaysturnout
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I can see it wasn't just an idle threat.
threat
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Yes, Francis, your father's giving a speech,
fathersfrancisgivingspeech
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and it's actually kind of good.
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- Can I get my phone back? - I'm almost done, sweetie.
phonesweetie
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Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
auntaunt-helenhelenlovely
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You turn right back around, mister!
mister
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You'll never guess what Reese did.
reese
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Well, it's been a pretty productive day.
productive
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I made Julie Houlerman hate me.
hatejulie
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Reese is gonna kill me the second we get home.
homekillreesesecond
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And right now, Aunt Helen is personally bad-mouthing me to God.
auntaunt-helenhelenmouthingpersonally
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You want some more water, Uncle Louie?
louieunclewater
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Sure.
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I need someone to put in a good word for me.
word