Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E03 — Dee Day

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 3 — Dee Day

(bell dings)

#1

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I love you.

#2

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ANNOUNCER: FXX presents...

#3

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

#4

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DENNIS: Okay, now put your arms back.

#5

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You're like a... you're like a rocket ship, okay?

#6

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Now left.

#7

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Now right. Now left. Now right. Now go lower.

#8

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-MAC: Oh, come on. Come... -(Charlie whistles) -Can you guys go lower?

#9

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Dennis, is this really necessary?

#10

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Mac, you have the tendon dexterity of a sow,

#11

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so yes, it's necessary. Guys, we're about to embark

#12

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on the most important 24 hours of our lives here.

#13

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Okay, it's important to stay limber and loose.

#14

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Uh, yes. Very good, Charlie.

#15

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-Can we just start? -No, we can't just start, okay?

#16

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Preparation is the key to victory.

#17

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-Oh. -DENNIS: Yes, Charlie.

#18

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You're really nailing this today.

#19

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I got my eye on you. Okay.

#20

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Now, does everybody know what they're supposed to do?

#21

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Yes. Dennis, I know exactly what you told us to do.

#22

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I've memorized it. I know where to be

#23

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and when to be at all times.

#24

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Okay, good. Yeah.

#25

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Needy and desperate for approval,

#26

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but, uh, good. Charlie.

#27

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-(blows) -Now look at that. You see that?

#28

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With one little gesture,

#29

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he tells me everything I need to know.

#30

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That wordless display of confidence earns my confidence.

#31

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Don't. I did it already.

#32

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You're so desperate.

#33

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-I thought it was cool. -Okay, now, listen. Guys, guys.

#34

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We have exactly one day to pull this off,

#35

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so everything needs to be executed to absolute perfection.

#36

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And, gentlemen, if we do that, well, the world is our oyster.

#37

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Don't say "oyster." Say "clam."

#38

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-The world's our clam? -Yeah.

#39

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-I like clams better. -You like clams? Well,

#40

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-that doesn't sound very good. -They're both shellfish,

#41

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-so it's kind of the same, isn't it? -Yeah. One's disgusting,

#42

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-and one's delicious. -Yeah, okay.

#43

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-I personally prefer barnacles. You know what I mean? -MAC: Oh.

#44

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-Yeah, there's some meat in there. -I like abalone.

#45

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-DENNIS: Well, okay, guys. -Abalone's interesting.

#46

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-I'm a clam person. -Seagulls...

#47

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-Oh, mussels. What about mussels? -DENNIS: All right, guys.

#48

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Let's not get into a whole thing.

#49

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We're getting derailed, okay? Uh...

#50

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We can spend the whole day talking

#51

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about which shell creatures we do or don't prefer

#52

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or enjoy at any given moment.

#53

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That's not what we're doing here.

#54

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Okay, look, we put in the work.

#55

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Right? We're ready. We've done our dry run.

#56

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And if we put our minds to it,

#57

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nothing, absolutely nothing can stand in our way.

#58

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-World is our clam. -Bring it in, boys. -DEE: Oh!

#59

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* Uh, Dee is in the house *

#60

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* Uh, Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house *

#61

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* Uh, Dee is in the house. *

#62

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-First things first, we got to ditch Dee. -Oh, shit.

#63

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-Yeah, let's ditch her. -DEE: Guys,

#64

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I am so excited to get started.

#65

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Get started on what?

#66

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Oh, my God. You forgot.

#67

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(chuckles): Oh, that makes it so much better.

#68

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Oh, guys.

#69

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From noon today until noon tomorrow,

#70

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it's Dee Day.

#71

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-What? -Oh, my God.

#72

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-No. -I completely forgot. -Oh, shit.

#73

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-No, I... -No, wait, wait, wait.

#74

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I know, I know. See, we did all your days,

#75

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and now it's my turn.

#76

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So that means, for the next 24 hours,

#77

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you got to do everything I tell you to do,

#78

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and you got to listen to me.

#79

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And you can't complain, otherwise you're gonna get

#80

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-one of these. -(air horn blares)

#81

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-(groans) -And I tack another day on.

#82

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-Dee, please, please don't do this to us. -Oh, you better

#83

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cram your insults in now while you got...

#84

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oh, few more seconds left, guys.

#85

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CHARLIE: You... (stammers)

#86

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-Dee's a bird! -(frantic shouting)

#87

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-Dee Day begins in three... -Dee's a bird! You're a bird!

#88

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-...two... -You're a bird! (shouts) -I hate you, bird!

#89

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-You're a stupid...! -...one.

#90

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(clock chiming, cuckooing)

#91

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As we all know, you guys just love to talk and talk about

#92

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why men this and why God that and on and on and on and on.

#93

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And I-I can't even begin to count the number

#94

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of pointless monologues I've been forced to sit through.

#95

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But not today. Today, it's you

#96

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who will be forced to sit and just listen.

#97

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And my first topic?

#98

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My feelings.

#99

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-That's fair. -MAC: Yeah, I'm into it. -DEE: Thank you.

#100

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-I'm excited. -DEE: Thought you would be.

#101

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Now, when I wake up in the morning, I feel sad.

#102

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And I feel sad for a very long...

#103

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DENNIS: (groans) Today of all days,

#104

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and now I'm being forced to listen to her feelings?

#105

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I won't do it. And who cares about her feelings anyway?

#106

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Nobody, that's who.

#107

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What about my feelings? Now, that's interesting, okay?

#108

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Plus, the plan. We can't afford to waste a second,

#109

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and these pea-brains are probably forgetting their parts

#110

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with every second that passes by.

#111

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MAC: Uh-oh. I'm forgetting my part of the plan

#112

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with every second that goes by.

#113

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Dennis is gonna yell at me again.

#114

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Hey, why was Charlie outshining me earlier?

#115

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I mean, what's that all about?

#116

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It's like he wants something from Dennis.

#117

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But what?

#118

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Attention? Love?

#119

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Why'd he throw me that look? Does he want to replace me?

#120

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Is that what's going on? What the hell does he want?

#121

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CHARLIE: I'm pretty sure Dennis has candy.

#122

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I heard a crinkle in his pocket

#123

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that sounded like the wrapper of a candy.

#124

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I gave Mac a look to let him know

#125

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that I figured out Dennis has candy.

#126

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Hopefully, if we nail this plan,

#127

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he'll give us some candy.

#128

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I want that candy.

#129

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FRANK: You know who eats raw shellfish?

#130

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Seagulls, that's who.

#131

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Clams you bake. Clams you fry.

#132

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Pop a rubber band around them, stuff them full of bread,

#133

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boil them shits for an hour.

#134

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There's a million ways you can prepare a clam.

#135

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"Make the world your clam."

#136

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Just sounds better.

#137

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And that, I believe, is the reason

#138

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for all of this toxic masculinity.

#139

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-Would you agree? -Huh?

#140

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-Yes. -Yeah. Well... -A-Absolutely.

#141

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-Yeah, absolutely. -Yeah. Everything... -Absolutely.

#142

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Everything you were saying, we were totally listening.

#143

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-That's totally true. -DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#144

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Okay, cool. Um, I'm gonna go take a quick squirt

#145

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'cause that beer just went right through me,

#146

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and then we'll move on to the next thing.

#147

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-Thanks, Dee. -Sounds fun. -All right, Dee.

#148

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-Sounds fun. -Yeah, Dee, this is gonna be great.

#149

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-I'm looking forward to it. -This is really cool.

#150

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-So excited. So excited. -I'm enjoying this a lot.

#151

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-Goddamn bird! -(grunts)

#152

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-I'm gonna... -Where's the scream pillow?

#153

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Yeah, yeah. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#154

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Guys, wait. We can still pull this thing off.

#155

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We can still pull this thing off.

#156

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I-I just came up with another plan.

#157

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It was actually based on what Dee just did.

#158

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She just went to the bathroom.

#159

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See, everybody's got to take a dump

#160

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at least once in every 24-hour period.

#161

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This got me thinking, right? So, at some point today,

#162

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each and every one of us will have to take a shit, right?

#163

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We're gonna have to go find a bathroom, and at that point,

#164

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you will go and execute your part of the plan.

#165

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-Sounds good. That's good. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#166

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-See what I'm saying? All right. -Yeah, yeah.

#167

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So, Charlie, now it is time

#168

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-for you to take your shit. -CHARLIE: Is there time?

#169

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-Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay, great. Nice.

#170

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And then, Charlie, go poop, and then we'll get started.

#171

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What? No, that's not what he's talking about, Mac.

#172

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What he means is that it's time for me

#173

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to go to the school, break in

#174

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using my old janitor's key, right?

#175

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Go into the nurse's office,

#176

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'cause he's probably still on his lunch break.

#177

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Make the call. Call the valet.

#178

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Let him know that his kid's "sick"

#179

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and needs to be "picked up from school" ASAP.

#180

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My man. With that kind of focus,

#181

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we're gonna be able to pull this thing off.

#182

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-Yes! -Way to go. -Yeah! And then when he's there,

#183

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-that's when he poops. -Wrong!

#184

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-Totally wrong. Just go, Charlie. Go. -CHARLIE: Okay.

#185

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A-And keep this kind of good focus in mind

#186

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when it comes to what's inside your pants,

#187

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'cause I want that, man.

#188

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Okay. Yeah. All right, great.

#189

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-I want what's in your pants. -DENNIS: No, no.

#190

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-All right. -(door opens)

#191

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Okay. Where's Charlie?

#192

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He had to take a shit.

#193

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-(chuckles) Yeah. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

#194

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-And I, too, have to take a shit now, as well. -Oh, what?

#195

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No. What, now? No.

#196

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Well, make up your mind, or I-I do the horn.

#197

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-Okay. It is a bit of an emergency. -No, it isn't.

#198

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He-- You can, you can hold it. He's gonna hold it.

#199

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-(school bell ringing) -CHARLIE: Knock, knock, knock. -(door opens)

#200

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Hey! How you doing, old Terry?

#201

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Old buddy, old pal!

#202

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-(laughs) -Do I know you?

#203

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Ah, come on, it's me! It's Charlie! Remember?

#204

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I used to be the janitor here a few years back.

#205

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Yeah, well, I got fired on account of a relationship

#206

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I was having with a Juggalo child, you know.

#207

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That's not the point. The point is though

#208

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I got my old job back.

#209

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I'm ready to have new relationships with the children.

#210

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And in case you're wondering how I got in the building,

#211

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that's how.

#212

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Oh.

#213

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Right.

#214

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And if memory serves,

#215

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you usually take your lunch break about now.

#216

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So how about you pop on out, eat some lunch,

#217

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and I'll clean up your office.

#218

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Oh, uh, I ate already.

#219

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Did you?

#220

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Lunch is at noon. It's 12:30.

#221

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Oh, yeah. Look at that there.

#222

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You know what happened though, Terry, was I got a little

#223

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held up on account of it being Dee Day and all.

#224

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-It's not D-Day. -You know what?

#225

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Actually, Terry, I should tell you this.

#226

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Um, I saw some kids breaking in to your car outside.

#227

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I ride a bike.

#228

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Yeah. That's what I meant.

#229

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They were breaking on in to your bicycle.

#230

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Kicked it in half. Filled it with horse manure.

#231

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-Kind of a prank, I guess. -Yeah, I don't believe you.

#232

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Well, only one way to find out. Better pop outside, take a peek.

#233

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My bike is fine.

#234

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One step ahead of me, aren't you, Terry?

#235

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(chuckles): Okay, you know what happened?

#236

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Dee Day just threw everything off, okay?

#237

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So I'm just gonna slide on in here.

#238

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Maybe I'm gonna make a little phone call.

#239

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No big deal. And I'm not gonna make a phone call.

#240

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I'll just have some candy, then.

#241

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And I'm not gonna have any candy 'cause candy's for the kids.

#242

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Terry, this has been an unfortunate, uh...

#243

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Hey, can I use your phone and pretend to be you?

#244

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No.

#245

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Okay. That's strike three on my, uh, count.

#246

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Uh, I'm gonna fuck your bike up, Terry.

#247

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-What the hell is this? -(Taiwanese accent): Charlie, you would not

#248

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-believe what we're doing. -Oh, my God. What is that?

#249

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(Puerto Rican accent): Ladies just doing it for themselves. I'm just playing.

#250

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-I'm Martina Martinez. -CHARLIE: Oh, no.

#251

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You don't have to do the accent anymore, Frank. You're offstage.

#252

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-Oh, my God. This is so racist, right? -It's insanely racist.

#253

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We didn't want to do it, but you know, Dee's humor is so lowbrow.

#254

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Oh, my God. What is she...?

#255

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Uh, she wants to do a whole retrospective

#256

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of her stupid characters.

#257

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-Wrote a play about it. -Her characters suck!

#258

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-I know! -Her characters suck!

#259

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(Irish accent): Charlie, thank God you're here.

#260

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-Go get into costume. We're up next. -MAC: Dennis.

#261

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Oh, Dennis, uh, you're offstage,

#262

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so y-you don't have to do the accent anymore.

#263

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That's why you suck at everything, Maxie.

#264

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I say if you're gonna do a racist stereotype,

#265

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you best do it right. I mean, that's a bit much, but you know.

#266

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-Oh, uh, where are we with the phone call? -CHARLIE: Uh, no.

#267

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I wasn't able to make it. I was not able to make the call, guys.

#268

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-What?! -I'm sorry. Okay, look.

#269

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Here's what we'll do. I'll-I'll go to the valet myself, okay?

#270

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I'll go to the restaurant. I'll get the key.

#271

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I-I can make it work, Dennis, all right? Don't get mad.

#272

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-Who's desperate now, Charlie? -Shut up, Mac, you racist!

#273

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I'm not racist! She's racist! She's the one that's racist!

#274

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-She's making us do it. -DEE: Hey, turkeys! -Shh. Shh.

#275

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-What's the holdup in there? -No, no, no, no. Goddamn it.

#276

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Look, uh, you stay here, Charlie.

#277

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Um, Mac, Frank, you go down there, okay?

#278

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Um, you're not on again till the second act.

#279

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-I won't let you down, Dennis. -Great. Go, go, go.

#280

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-Go. -Go, go, go, go, go.

#281

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-Oh, man. -Charlie. Charlie, go get into your costume.

#282

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-We got to learn a song. -What? A song?

#283

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God.

#284

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The glue on these teeth is insane.

#285

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I would never be able to get them off and on in time.

#286

⇓

Ah, this makeup is making me sick.

#287

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-I'm-- I feel awful. -It's not the makeup, Frank.

#288

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It's the bag of clams you made us stop before we came here.

#289

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The clam is fine.

#290

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If w-we got a bag of oysters,

#291

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those would've made us really sick.

#292

⇓

Whatever, dude. Just focus, all right?

#293

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The councilwoman's gonna be here any second.

#294

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Yeah, well, what do we got to do now?

#295

⇓

Charlie screwed up the whole thing with the valet.

#296

⇓

Now how are we gonna get her keys?

#297

⇓

-All right, well, I got a plan. -What?

#298

⇓

Now, when the valet gets into the next car,

#299

⇓

I want you to go to your car,

#300

⇓

and I want you to ram him, all right?

#301

⇓

Nothing crazy, but it's got to be believable, all right?

#302

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Then, I'll step in as the valet.

#303

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I'll get the councilwoman's keys.

#304

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I'll go get a copy made. I'll be back here ASAP.

#305

⇓

I have, I have a suggestion. I mean, if you want...

#306

⇓

if you want it to be really believable--

#307

⇓

the car accident-- then I think you should do it.

#308

⇓

I mean, I'm not saying out loud why you should be the one

#309

⇓

to have the car accident, but I think it would play much better.

#310

⇓

I do appreciate that you're working

#311

⇓

on your prejudices, Frank. I, too, am trying

#312

⇓

to become a better man and-- but I just--

#313

⇓

I-I-I really think that, unfortunately,

#314

⇓

-it is a better plan. -It's a good plan.

#315

⇓

So, uh, I'm just gonna go ahead and do that.

#316

⇓

Oh! Oh!

#317

⇓

(whispering): Okay. Okay, he's coming. Oh, good.

#318

⇓

-You go get the keys. I'm gonna go do the acc... -Okay. (retches)

#319

⇓

-(groans) -Are you okay?

#320

⇓

I'm-I'm... I'm just so sick.

#321

⇓

-This makeup is making me... -(car door closes)

#322

⇓

-(guttural throat clearing) -Okay.

#323

⇓

(gagging)

#324

⇓

(continues gagging)

#325

⇓

Hello there. I'm the valet.

#326

⇓

I'll take your car. (gags)

#327

⇓

-Oh, are you okay? -Oh, yeah.

#328

⇓

I'm-I'm... I'm fine. I'm aces. It's just...

#329

⇓

It's just that I got a little skin thing going on.

#330

⇓

But I-I... I may get sick, but it won't be clams.

#331

⇓

It won't be the clams, because if it was clams... (gags)

#332

⇓

...clams and I was sick, it would be all over the pavement.

#333

⇓

-(gagging) -Uh, uh, I'm sorry, but is there someone else

#334

⇓

-that can take my car from me? -No. No.

#335

⇓

-He's gone. He had a car accident. -An accident?

#336

⇓

-Oh, my God. Oh, geez. -Yeah. -(tires squealing)

#337

⇓

-(loud crash) -Oh. Oh. -Yeah, there it is.

#338

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-That was it. Yeah. -God. Um... -(car alarm sounding)

#339

⇓

(retching loudly)

#340

⇓

(Frank grunts)

#341

⇓

-It's not the clams! -Oh! Uh, yeah.

#342

⇓

I'm telling you, it can't be the clams!

#343

⇓

It don't make no sense! No, don't go.

#344

⇓

-(retching) -(tires squealing)

#345

⇓

It's not the clams!

#346

⇓

(old man voice): * For the love of God *

#347

⇓

* Paddy, don't you see? *

#348

⇓

* Your love is all I ever wanted to be... *

#349

⇓

-"For me," idiot. -Uh...

#350

⇓

* Wanted for me.

#351

⇓

Ha.

#352

⇓

Okay. Then you do the...

#353

⇓

(sighs) Do we have to?

#354

⇓

Yeah, I mean. Yeah.

#355

⇓

Well, I don't know. Did you want the horn?

#356

⇓

(Charlie sighs)

#357

⇓

(quietly): Let's just get it over with.

#358

⇓

Plant one on me, Covington!

#359

⇓

(quietly): Goddamn it. Yeah.

#360

⇓

Yeah. (chuckles)

#361

⇓

Yeah, I-I'm looking here in the script,

#362

⇓

and it says that they kiss,

#363

⇓

"with the quivering lips of two souls desperate

#364

⇓

to taste the juices of passion."

#365

⇓

Did that seem like that to you guys?

#366

⇓

-No. -No.

#367

⇓

No, me, neither. Okay. So do that, then.

#368

⇓

-(beep) -(Irish accent): Gladly.

#369

⇓

("Endless Love" by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross playing)

#370

⇓

* My love *

#371

⇓

-* There's only you in my life * -(moaning)

#372

⇓

* The only thing that's bright... *

#373

⇓

(giggles): Yeah.

#374

⇓

Wow!

#375

⇓

(chuckles): Okay.

#376

⇓

Very nice. Way better than I was expecting.

#377

⇓

(beep, song stops)

#378

⇓

Goddamn bitch.

#379

⇓

(both spitting)

#380

⇓

-Goddamn bitch. -She's sick is what she is.

#381

⇓

-Yeah, she's sick. -That's a sick person right there.

#382

⇓

And I know we're supposed to be cool with this, 'cause, like,

#383

⇓

that's where society's headed, but I'm just-- I'm not there.

#384

⇓

-I'm not saying it's not right. -I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

#385

⇓

I'm saying I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it.

#386

⇓

What did you eat? Why am I getting a weird taste...

#387

⇓

-I had cheese. I thought-- Well, I wanted... -(groans)

#388

⇓

Well, now you know how it feels.

#389

⇓

Oh, I don't want to taste your cheese. It's weird...

#390

⇓

Well, I didn't want to taste your cheese, either.

#391

⇓

-(spitting, groaning) -(Mac exhales)

#392

⇓

-Hey. How'd it go with the valet? -We, uh, we struck out.

#393

⇓

-You what?! -No good... -Well, how are we gonna get

#394

⇓

in the woman's apartment without her key?

#395

⇓

We got to get in that apartment.

#396

⇓

We got to set that woman's clocks back.

#397

⇓

-DENNIS: What's going on with him? -Clams.

#398

⇓

-Where'd you get clams? -Did you eat bad clams, Frank?

#399

⇓

-No, don't. -DEE: Hey, guys. Ticktock back there!

#400

⇓

(groans) All right, just go finish the goddamn show.

#401

⇓

-Yeah, by the way, she made us kiss. -Yeah.

#402

⇓

-She made us kiss. -I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

#403

⇓

All right, let's just get out there.

#404

⇓

I don't want to be doing this all week.

#405

⇓

-Hey, you guys really did kiss? -Yeah, but don't get excited.

#406

⇓

-That's not fair. -But we didn't like it.

#407

⇓

-Just go. -Dennis, you should come out with us.

#408

⇓

-No, no, no. -Get out! Just go and finish the show.

#409

⇓

-Finish the show, all right? -I'm not kissing you.

#410

⇓

-Okay. -(Frank sighs)

#411

⇓

So, in this scene, Martina enters Tammy's massage parlor

#412

⇓

looking for a full-body rubdown.

#413

⇓

-What?! -Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

#414

⇓

And like all great plays,

#415

⇓

this one is going to have a happy ending.

#416

⇓

Yeah, that was clams.

#417

⇓

Oh, nothing like a day of bird-watching.

#418

⇓

So peaceful. So relaxing.

#419

⇓

-Wouldn't you agree? -Huh? Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

#420

⇓

-Really calming. -And, yeah, it's, uh...

#421

⇓

-It's great. -Birds are m-majestical.

#422

⇓

Ooh, fun bird fact.

#423

⇓

The ostrich's eyes are bigger than its brain.

#424

⇓

-Huh. -Do you have any thoughts on that?

#425

⇓

-That's... cool. -Good.

#426

⇓

-FRANK: Great bird. -It's a good bird. -Ostriches are good birds.

#427

⇓

Well, unfortunately, I have to take another piss.

#428

⇓

-I'll be back. -Okay. -Okay.

#429

⇓

See ya, Dee. We're just gonna look at...

#430

⇓

look for some more birds that we love.

#431

⇓

-Yeah, we'll keep on, uh... -Yeah, just gonna...

#432

⇓

Oh, my God, I want to scream "bird," I want to scream "bird."

#433

⇓

-I want to scream, "Bird! Bird!" -That would be so good.

#434

⇓

-Do you want me to do it for you, Dennis? -No.

#435

⇓

Don't do it. She's probably hiding behind a tree.

#436

⇓

Yeah. What's going on with you?

#437

⇓

Why are you so off your game today?

#438

⇓

Well, I-- Charlie has been outshining me all day,

#439

⇓

and I want to shine for you, Dennis, so I'm just...

#440

⇓

I haven't been outshining you. I was just throwing you looks

#441

⇓

because I wanted the candy, but I was gonna share it with you.

#442

⇓

-What candy? -Dennis has candy in his pocket.

#443

⇓

-Okay, guys, can we get back to talking about the plan? -You have candy?

#444

⇓

Look, w-we're getting off track here.

#445

⇓

-Dennis has candy? -CHARLIE: I heard it crinkle.

#446

⇓

-Yeah, I want that candy, man. -DENNIS: Yes, I have candy.

#447

⇓

All right? Of course I have candy.

#448

⇓

I keep candy in my pocket sometimes

#449

⇓

so that I can get Charlie's focus.

#450

⇓

It was working like a charm, man.

#451

⇓

I was zoned in on everything you were saying.

#452

⇓

Yes, I know it was working; the whole goddamn thing was working

#453

⇓

till Dee came through with this Dee Day bullshit.

#454

⇓

Are we gonna get the candy, or are you gonna keep it

#455

⇓

-in your pocket all day? -I'll have some candy. -Here's the candy.

#456

⇓

-Yeah! Yes, I knew it. -Oh, oh, oh! I want...

#457

⇓

All right, all right.

#458

⇓

-Wow. -Children. Children.

#459

⇓

-Good candy, good candy. -This is good candy.

#460

⇓

I don't need the candy anymore anyway,

#461

⇓

'cause I have a backup plan.

#462

⇓

We don't need the councilwoman's keys anymore

#463

⇓

to get into her house, because we have me. All right?

#464

⇓

So I'll peel off. I'll go seduce her.

#465

⇓

She'll invite me into her house,

#466

⇓

where I'll bang her as fast as I possibly can, and then,

#467

⇓

while she's cleaning up afterwards,

#468

⇓

I'll set all of her clocks back,

#469

⇓

causing her to sleep late and miss the boat, okay?

#470

⇓

So when Dee comes back, just tell her

#471

⇓

-I had to go take my shit. -CHARLIE: Nice, man. All right.

#472

⇓

-Watch out! -Hey.

#473

⇓

-Hey. -Where you rushing off to?

#474

⇓

-Oh, I-I got to take a shit. -Do ya?

#475

⇓

-Yeah. -Okay. I'll let you do that.

#476

⇓

-Okay. -But real quick first.

#477

⇓

I wanted to do something with you.

#478

⇓

-I really have to shit, Dee. -Yeah, this'll be fast.

#479

⇓

-What is that? -Oh, these are makeup wipes.

#480

⇓

So that you can remove your makeup.

#481

⇓

(chuckles) Makeup?

#482

⇓

I'm not wearing any makeup.

#483

⇓

Then it won't be an issue.

#484

⇓

I mean, I'm wearing a little bit of concealer.

#485

⇓

Is that what you're talking about having me remove?

#486

⇓

Well, I'm talking about the concealer, yes.

#487

⇓

But I'm talking about the rest of the makeup,

#488

⇓

the tape you have behind your jaw and your eyes.

#489

⇓

I'm talking about the hair paint.

#490

⇓

I'm talking about all of it.

#491

⇓

DEE: What a nice restaurant this is,

#492

⇓

filled with attractive, professional-looking people.

#493

⇓

You know what it is? It's the kind of place

#494

⇓

where you wouldn't want to stick out like a sore thumb.

#495

⇓

How are you liking it, Dennis?

#496

⇓

Yes, very nice.

#497

⇓

-Yeah? -(chuckles) Yes.

#498

⇓

Would you like to go introduce yourself to some ladies?

#499

⇓

No, uh, I-I'm okay. Uh, no.

#500

⇓

Okay. I'll go round some up and bring them to you.

#501

⇓

-No. -Yep.

#502

⇓

Hey, don't mind her, dude.

#503

⇓

Y-You look great.

#504

⇓

Holy shit. That's her.

#505

⇓

-Who? -The councilwoman.

#506

⇓

-She's right there. -CHARLIE: Who? Right there?

#507

⇓

-Right there. That's her. -Right there? Oh, shit.

#508

⇓

-Oh, my God, this is incredible. What are the odds? -That's her, yeah.

#509

⇓

Dee has no idea how good this is for us.

#510

⇓

-Dennis, go do your thing. -This is great.

#511

⇓

(stammers): No, I-I...

#512

⇓

-I can't. No. -Buddy,

#513

⇓

makeup or not, you are the Golden God.

#514

⇓

It's all about what's in here.

#515

⇓

Oh. Is your pec deflated?

#516

⇓

Sh-She took his pads out.

#517

⇓

-Yeah, he had... -Oh, your pec pads.

#518

⇓

-He had some pads. -No.

#519

⇓

Well, either way, man, you can do it. You're our only hope.

#520

⇓

-I can do this. -Yes. -Yeah.

#521

⇓

-Yeah, it's worth a shot. -Yeah!

#522

⇓

-That's the attitude. -Come on, man. -You're looking good.

#523

⇓

You got it. You got this. You got this.

#524

⇓

-You got this. You got this. -Go, go, go, go, go.

#525

⇓

-He ain't got this. -That's what his soul looks like.

#526

⇓

DENNIS: Hi.

#527

⇓

Did I frighten you?

#528

⇓

Sorry.

#529

⇓

Uh, I'm not, I'm not, uh... I'm Dennis.

#530

⇓

Do you like hard candy?

#531

⇓

I have candies. Oh, you know what?

#532

⇓

Actually, I don't. Scratch that. I...

#533

⇓

I threw all the hard candies at those idiot children.

#534

⇓

Uh...

#535

⇓

Oysters or clams?

#536

⇓

-Excuse me? -Oysters, obviously.

#537

⇓

(chuckles) You know?

#538

⇓

-Mm. -Plus, like, they-they--

#539

⇓

You can, you can get sick off clams.

#540

⇓

Like, I got real sick off clams when I was, like...

#541

⇓

Anything can make you throw up

#542

⇓

if you're, if you're, uh... if it's gone bad.

#543

⇓

You know, my dad was, like, throwing up off--

#544

⇓

He's not really my dad, but you know.

#545

⇓

Yeah.

#546

⇓

But anyway, it's oysters for me. (chuckles)

#547

⇓

-(clears throat softly) -Um...

#548

⇓

Hey, uh, you know what? I just realized.

#549

⇓

We don't have a lot of time, so let's--

#550

⇓

We should get this over with. Can I get your house key?

#551

⇓

-What? -We don't,

#552

⇓

uh, have to have sex like this.

#553

⇓

I can, I can... I can put another man's face on.

#554

⇓

If you give me your house key, I can go to your house

#555

⇓

and put on some of your makeup...

#556

⇓

-Get away from me. -Well, hold on a second.

#557

⇓

Um, uh, we-- I'm supposed to be taking a shit right now.

#558

⇓

-And so-- Yeah. -Dennis.

#559

⇓

What are you doing to this woman?

#560

⇓

Uh, it was my turn to take a shit,

#561

⇓

and then I was gonna do it with her.

#562

⇓

I am so sorry about him. Okay?

#563

⇓

This man is clearly a monster,

#564

⇓

and he will be punished accordingly.

#565

⇓

G-Go wait for me over there, monster.

#566

⇓

We'll find another woman.

#567

⇓

It's Dee Day.

#568

⇓

CHARLIE: Just so you know, you look...

#569

⇓

a lot better now, but you looked fine.

#570

⇓

I just don't look good when I haven't got enough sleep.

#571

⇓

And I got a little nap in, so, you know, I'm back.

#572

⇓

-Huh. -Anyway,

#573

⇓

I bet you the city council's voted already.

#574

⇓

-Dying to figure out which way they voted. -MAC: Oh, dude.

#575

⇓

It doesn't matter. Like, the bird bitch ruined everything.

#576

⇓

-We had a plan. We had... -Shh. Keep your voice down.

#577

⇓

We may have lost this one, but the most important thing

#578

⇓

is that we don't get another Dee Day.

#579

⇓

Oh, man. That's, like, the 20th piss I took today.

#580

⇓

-Oh, yeah? -Well, hey, it's important

#581

⇓

-to stay hydrated. -Yeah.

#582

⇓

Knock it off. Looks like you guys are gonna make it.

#583

⇓

And I have to say, I am very impressed that you were able

#584

⇓

to focus on anything other than yourselves for one entire day.

#585

⇓

-Well, Dee, it's been a real pleasure. -CHARLIE: Uh, we haven't

#586

⇓

-made it yet, so... -FRANK: We've enjoyed it. -It's been really great.

#587

⇓

And Dee Day ends officially in

#588

⇓

three, two, one.

#589

⇓

-(clock chiming, cuckooing) -(Frank sighs)

#590

⇓

All right, let me have it. Pile it on me.

#591

⇓

-News. -Pile it on me. -TV. TV. Yeah, put the...

#592

⇓

-Channel 7. Channel 7. -Put the news on. Put the news on.

#593

⇓

-What are you doing? -What channel? What channel?

#594

⇓

-S-Seven? Seven? -Yeah, it might be.

#595

⇓

-(news theme plays) -In a stunning upset,

#596

⇓

local ordinance LC-103 passed today.

#597

⇓

The controversial proposal

#598

⇓

actually legalizes public urination.

#599

⇓

-It passed! It passed! -(excited yelling) -It passed! It passed!

#600

⇓

It passed!

#601

⇓

-(men cheering, laughing) -Oh!

#602

⇓

-It passed anyway. -Nice!

#603

⇓

What passed?

#604

⇓

Dee, we have been working for weeks

#605

⇓

on a very intricate plan

#606

⇓

to ensure the passage of that ordinance.

#607

⇓

Yeah. All we had to do was stop one city councilwoman

#608

⇓

-from voting, that was it. -Yeah, yeah. So we had

#609

⇓

this ingenious plan to, uh, get ahold of her keys,

#610

⇓

sneak into her house and, uh, turn all of her clocks back,

#611

⇓

-mess with her phones a little bit or whatever... -It was a good plan.

#612

⇓

...so that she would sleep too late, she would miss the vote,

#613

⇓

-and the ordinance would pass, and it passed! -(Dennis and Charlie laugh)

#614

⇓

We knew that she would be the one dissenting vote.

#615

⇓

-So we had to stop her. -Yeah.

#616

⇓

-How? -Oh, well, it's a group--

#617

⇓

-Uh, well, yeah. -There it is.

#618

⇓

CHARLIE: It's all men and she was the one lady.

#619

⇓

-MAC: Men are free once again... -FRANK: We are free!

#620

⇓

...to relieve themselves where God intended.

#621

⇓

You guys are idiots!

#622

⇓

That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever even heard.

#623

⇓

Why didn't you just go and slash her tires, like,

#624

⇓

five minutes before she had to leave for the meeting?

#625

⇓

-Oh. Oh. -What? Oh, yeah, just do that.

#626

⇓

-(laughing) -Okay, yeah, just do that. -Yeah, sure.

#627

⇓

Dee, you know what? You don't get it. Okay?

#628

⇓

Women will never understand what it's like to be a man.

#629

⇓

Like, we just, like, we need to piss in public, okay?

#630

⇓

-We need to hatch plans (laughs) that actually work. -(Charlie laughing)

#631

⇓

Dee, your plan would not have worked.

#632

⇓

Oh, yeah? My plan did work, jackass.

#633

⇓

I got close enough to the councilwoman in the restaurant

#634

⇓

to steal her wallet, got her address,

#635

⇓

and then replaced the wallet without her seeing.

#636

⇓

And then, in the middle of the night

#637

⇓

when I told you guys I was going to "take a shit"

#638

⇓

like you were doing all goddamn day,

#639

⇓

I snuck over and I slashed her tires.

#640

⇓

You did? Why?

#641

⇓

Did you see how many times I peed today?

#642

⇓

I have a teeny, tiny, little bladder.

#643

⇓

I want to be able to pee on the street if I have to.

#644

⇓

-Oh! You? -Ugh! Gross. -In front of us?

#645

⇓

-Just out there in the public? -A woman? -Squat?

#646

⇓

-Dee, you nasty. -DENNIS: Nasty.

#647

⇓

-Dee, you n... -(laughs): She's so nasty.

#648

⇓

No, you know what? You guys are just pissed

#649

⇓

-because I outsmarted you. -Oh, you outsmarted us?

#650

⇓

-You're embarrassed. -Dee, (chuckles) you spent the entirety of Dee Day

#651

⇓

coming up with a plan that eventually led

#652

⇓

to us getting exactly what we want, so...

#653

⇓

-We scored. -You're a stupid bird.

#654

⇓

Don't even bother trying to explain it to her.

#655

⇓

Her tiny bird brain will never get it.

#656

⇓

DENNIS: Birds don't understand plans.

#657

⇓

What about this one? Dee's a bird.

#658

⇓

-(laughs) -That's a good one.

#659

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#660

⇓

Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.

#661

⇓

You should all probably check your phones.

#662

⇓

-DENNIS and CHARLIE: Why? -Oh, I don't know.

#663

⇓

Just 'cause I pushed the cuckoo clock ahead an hour.

#664

⇓

(clock chimes)

#665

⇓

No. Shut up.

#666

⇓

Here's the problem, guys.

#667

⇓

You just insulted me on Dee Day.

#668

⇓

-No. -No, no, no, no. God. -Oh, no, wait...

#669

⇓

You know what that earns you?

#670

⇓

Another day of Dee.

#671

⇓

-Oh, no! -No, no, no, no, no! -(shouting)

#672

⇓

-(air horn blaring) -(yelling)

#673

⇓

-* I... * -* I... *

#674

⇓

* I want to share *

#675

⇓

* All my love *

#676

⇓

* With you *

#677

⇓

* No one else will do *

#678

⇓

* And your eyes *

#679

⇓

* Your eyes, your eyes *

#680

⇓

* They tell me how much you care *

#681

⇓

* Oh, yes. *

#682

⇓

(trio chanting backwards)

#683

⇓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

#684

⇓

WOMAN: I want to thank you for joining the focus group.

#685

⇓

-(crashing) -I just want to say thanks to the suits back there

#686

⇓

for allowing us to be here.

#687

⇓

He thinks that's a two-way mirror.

#688

⇓

ANNOUNCER: All-new Sunny.

#689

⇓

Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

#690

⇓

(deep voices chanting) I... know... more.

#691

⇓

I think I'd make a great drag queen. Like, for real.

#692

⇓

But the one time I tried it, I looked so much like my mom, it scared me.

#693

⇓

And I was sexy as hell.

#694

⇓

(deep voices chanting)

#695

⇓

I'm Brittany's dad.

#696

⇓

I work in the security industry.

#697

⇓

Have you ever killed anybody?

#698

⇓

Uh, once.

#699

⇓

I'm just kiddin', mate. I'm just kiddin'.

#700

⇓

(hard rock music plays)

#701

⇓

(male vocalist growls)

#702

⇓

(singing in Spanish)

#703

⇓

-La sangre... -Es la sangre.

#704

⇓

ANNOUNCER: Mayans. All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

#705

⇓

(chattering)

#706

⇓

(breathing heavily)

#707

⇓

(screaming)

#708

⇓

ANNOUNCER: AHS 1984.

#709

⇓

Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.

#710

⇓