Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E02 — Thunder Gun 4 - Maximum Cool

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 2 — Thunder Gun 4 - Maximum Cool

I hope they don't show us

#1

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some boring art house movie.

#2

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Well, the title of the movie is terrible.

#3

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I mean, Focus Group? What is that?

#4

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Focus Group isn't the title of the movie.

#5

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- We're in a focus group. - Huh?

#6

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Charlie, we're here to watch, analyze, critique,

#7

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and then, most importantly, judge

#8

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whatever film we're gonna be shown.

#9

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Uh, these filmmakers... they need valuable input,

#10

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and we have been carefully selected to provide it.

#11

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We were walking out of the mall,

#12

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and they offered us Red Lobster gift cards.

#13

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Nevertheless, you know, they've chosen wisely.

#14

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Uh, good afternoon, everyone.

#15

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I-I want to thank you for joining us today.

#16

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Now, your feedback is very important to us.

#17

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- Sweet. - I'm sorry.

#18

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I'm just a little confused here,

#19

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'cause I can't follow this movie.

#20

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The movie hasn't started yet.

#21

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Yeah, uh, Moderator, not to worry.

#22

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I-I just want to assure you that your movie is in good hands.

#23

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Y-You've chosen wisely.

#24

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See, I, myself, am a prolific filmmaker.

#25

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In fact, while you don't thrill me,

#26

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I might even consider you for one of my roles.

#27

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Well, thank you, um, but I'm not really a performer.

#28

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I'll get a performance out of you.

#29

⇓

- Uh, where will we appear in the credits? - In the credits?

#30

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- Are we gonna be at the front? - Yeah, for our contribution.

#31

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- Sort of the beginning of the film, or...? - Yeah.

#32

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Well, you-you will not be.

#33

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But your opinions are valuable to us.

#34

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- And you're gonna get a lot of them. - Oh, yeah.

#35

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I'm already tearing this entire experience apart.

#36

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- As am I. - Me, too.

#37

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- Why don't we just start? - I'll tell you what. Why don't you

#38

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- just go ahead and show us - Let's just, let's see.

#39

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whatever piece of shit you're gonna show us, you know,

#40

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- Yeah. - so we can tear it apart and get out to Red Lobster?

#41

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- Yeah, I'm hungry. - Okay.

#42

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So the title of the film is...

#43

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Thunder Gun 4: Maximum Cool.

#44

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- Oh! - What?!

#45

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- Really?! - Holy...

#46

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_

#47

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Uh... uh...

#48

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What was that?

#49

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I, uh... I'm not sure.

#50

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- Uh... - I-I was totally lost.

#51

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Did they make Thunder Gun bad?

#52

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- Yeah. - Okay. So,

#53

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that was our movie.

#54

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Now, clearly, the film is not done,

#55

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but still a work in progress.

#56

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- Oh. - Oh, thank God!

#57

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- Okay, great. - Oh, Jesus.

#58

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Okay, so let's adjourn to the conference room to begin our session.

#59

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- Let's get into it. Yeah. - Yeah. Let's-let's fix it.

#60

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- We can, uh, we can fix it. - Oh, yeah.

#61

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Okay, why don't we just

#62

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break it down, act by act?

#63

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I'll play back a scene from the first act,

#64

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and then we can discuss.

#65

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- Yeah, okay. All right. - Okay.

#66

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* Train roll on... *

#67

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- Excuse me. - * On down the line... *

#68

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Is your name John? John ThunderGun?

#69

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Mm. Maybe once.

#70

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Not anymore.

#71

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I'm Dr. Ling.

#72

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This is my assistant Max.

#73

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I'm head of research and development for Com-Tec.

#74

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We need your help.

#75

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Why?

#76

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You got a bottle of whiskey that needs draining?

#77

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A man named Colonel Washington has stolen a formula

#78

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from our lab.

#79

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In the wrong hands, this formula could be used

#80

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as a powerful weapon.

#81

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A weapon that could destroy millions of lives.

#82

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We need it back, but he wants something from us.

#83

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Oh, yeah? What's that?

#84

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Not what, but who.

#85

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I am Colonel Washington.

#86

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You know my reputation, so you'll give me what I seek.

#87

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Where is ThunderGun?

#88

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Right here.

#89

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Me.

#90

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I am ThunderGun.

#91

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I am ThunderGun.

#92

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I am ThunderGun.

#93

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I am ThunderGun!

#94

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I am ThunderGun!

#95

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I am ThunderGun! I am ThunderGun!

#96

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I am...

#97

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Okay, who has questions about the setup?

#98

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- Mm. - Oh.

#99

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- Me, me, me, me! - Yeah.

#100

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- Um, let's start with you. - What's being set up?

#101

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Um... the entire movie.

#102

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The, uh...

#103

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So, the main characters, the story, the villain.

#104

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That's where you lost me. Who's the bad guy?

#105

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Well, Colonel Washington, obviously.

#106

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That's not clear.

#107

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In the old movies, the good guy wore white,

#108

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the bad guy wore black, or was black.

#109

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Well, depending on the hero.

#110

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Right? It's-it's not a racial thing.

#111

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- Mm. - It's about opposites.

#112

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See, I want the bad guy to be different than me

#113

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- so I know why I hate him. - Mm-hmm.

#114

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- Mm. - I hate people who are different than me.

#115

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Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like Rocky one.

#116

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Bad guy was black.

#117

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Rocky II... another black guy.

#118

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Rocky III... different black guy with a mohawk.

#119

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- Right. - Yeah, but in Die Hard,

#120

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- the bad guy was foreign, right? - Hmm.

#121

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- Yeah. - So I know why I hate him.

#122

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- There we go. - Yeah.

#123

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People hate foreigners.

#124

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- Right. - Yeah, we hate them. - Right? So in Thunder Gun,

#125

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you don't have to do any reshoots, right?

#126

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- Yeah. - Don't-don't make him black.

#127

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- Just give him an accent. - What kind of accent?

#128

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What about Australian? That's pretty foreign.

#129

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No, that's not gonna work.

#130

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'Cause they're white.

#131

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No, because they're fun.

#132

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They're a very fun group of people, right? I mean...

#133

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- Yeah. - Try to hate an Australian.

#134

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- It's impossible. - A bunch of rapscallions.

#135

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- Little rascals. - Ooh, but French, though.

#136

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- French. - Ugh.

#137

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- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Snobby. Snobby, yes.

#138

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Yes, yes. You will definitely dislike him,

#139

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but you won't fear him because he's most likely a pussy.

#140

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- Oh. - Right. - That's right.

#141

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- Not scary. Not scary. - Right, right.

#142

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When in doubt,

#143

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- go Eastern European, right? - Right.

#144

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- That's a classically evil part of the world. - Uh-huh.

#145

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- There you go. - That'd work.

#146

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You know, let's talk a bit about the female character.

#147

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- Nah. - Do we have to?

#148

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- I would love to. - The studio needs

#149

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a female perspective.

#150

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What did you think of Dr. Ling?

#151

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Oh, I think she sucks. First of all, she comes in

#152

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with a whole plan, like she's starting the movie.

#153

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So, you... you want the female characters to have less agency?

#154

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Yeah. Look, I feel bad enough about myself as is.

#155

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I don't need some super hot, funny, smart chick doing, like,

#156

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roundhouse kicks and cracking computer codes

#157

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- to make me feel worse. - Mm. Mm-hmm.

#158

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No. No. I-I like the women of the old Thunder Gun days, right?

#159

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Bed 'em and dead 'em.

#160

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Look, first act, he meets a lady.

#161

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She's super hot, but I'm smarter, right?

#162

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And then he bangs her, and she gets dead.

#163

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And-and later on, he meets someone.

#164

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All right, this one's smart, I'll give her that,

#165

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but I'm funnier.

#166

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You know what I mean?

#167

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He bangs her, she gets dead, and then,

#168

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and in the end, he falls in love with an ugly one,

#169

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and who cares about that? I don't care about that.

#170

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And then she gets dead, and that sets up

#171

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for the next movie, and I'm all in.

#172

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Because all of the women are dead.

#173

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You know? No competition.

#174

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- Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. - Yeah.

#175

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- Right? - Okay, yeah. Write that down.

#176

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- Women hate women. - I...

#177

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I think the studio was trying to get away

#178

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from the female character just acting

#179

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as a plot device or a sex trophy.

#180

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- Ah, but, yeah, why? - Why?

#181

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- But that works. - Okay, let's move past this.

#182

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Let's take it into the second act with this next clip.

#183

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I'm sorry I dragged you into this, ThunderGun.

#184

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Don't lose hope.

#185

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We may get out of this yet.

#186

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But if we don't,

#187

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I think there's something I should tell you.

#188

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We've met before.

#189

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Detroit.

#190

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Winter.

#191

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At a bar.

#192

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I went home with you.

#193

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The next morning, you were gone,

#194

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and I never heard from you again.

#195

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I'm sorry if I hurt you.

#196

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I never was good at being tied down.

#197

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No, it's not that. It's just...

#198

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My assistant.

#199

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You know Max.

#200

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Well, he's not just my assistant.

#201

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He's my son.

#202

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- Are you trying to tell me... - Yes, John.

#203

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He's your son, too.

#204

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Max is your son.

#205

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Okay.

#206

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So, this is the midpoint twist.

#207

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What is?

#208

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Um, ThunderGun finding out he has a son.

#209

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- Mm-hmm. - He has a son?

#210

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Yes.

#211

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But how is this the twist?

#212

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I mean, because he's got a kid?

#213

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I mean, he's probably got a thousand kids,

#214

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all the raw-dog loads he drops.

#215

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I don't know what "raw-dog loads" are.

#216

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Sorry for him. But my disgusting friend

#217

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does bring up a good point.

#218

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I mean, every Thunder Gun movie

#219

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has at least one very tasteful yet very erotic sex scene in it,

#220

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- and this had none. - Mm.

#221

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Yeah. I've... I've been waiting for the right time

#222

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to bring this up, but I feel like we need to address

#223

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the elephant in the room, no?

#224

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- Yeah, this is a big one for us. - Might as well.

#225

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- I've been thinking about it. - Might as well. - Yeah.

#226

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Okay, so...

#227

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where's the dong?

#228

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The-the dong?

#229

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- The dong. - Yeah, yeah.

#230

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Yeah, the dong. The dong.

#231

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John ThunderGun has hung dong

#232

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in every chapter of this saga.

#233

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And, well, I just watched 90 minutes of one,

#234

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and yet not one hang.

#235

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Well, I think that the studio was thinking

#236

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the gratuitous nudity was maybe a bit much.

#237

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- Fuck you. -Bullshit!

#238

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- Bullshit! - This is exactly the type of Hollywood bullshit

#239

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- that America is sick of. - What are you talking about?

#240

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Hollywood's completely out of touch.

#241

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- So out of touch with what people want! - Don't you want to give people

#242

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- what people actually want? - There's a bigger issue here.

#243

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Movies are different now.

#244

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You lost a sense of community.

#245

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Interesting. Go on.

#246

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Look, years ago, before the Internet,

#247

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we would all go out to the movies together.

#248

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Yes. This is exactly what studios

#249

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are trying to bring back. A-An event.

#250

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- A place we can all go to enjoy as a community. - Yeah.

#251

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I mean, it used to be

#252

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you give the creep-show at the window a couple of bucks,

#253

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you could spend all day in there popping off.

#254

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And the joy of it was that there were people popping off

#255

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at the same time.

#256

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I mean, n-not that you looked

#257

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at each other. It was dark.

#258

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You weren't looking for the gay thing.

#259

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But it gave you a sense of something bigger than yourself.

#260

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Now, they... you know,

#261

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got rid of all these movie theaters.

#262

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They're taking all the sex out of the movies.

#263

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And what am I supposed to do?

#264

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Go home, turn the lights off and pop off in front of Charlie?

#265

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No, thanks.

#266

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I'm sorry.

#267

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Are you talking about pornography theaters?

#268

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I'm talking about community, honey.

#269

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Right. E... Uh, yeah, even if the studios

#270

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wanted to put back in the nudity,

#271

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they couldn't because of the new rating.

#272

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Wh-What do you mean, the new rating?

#273

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Thunder Gun: Maximum Cool will be rated PG-13.

#274

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What?

#275

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Now, that's quite a midpoint twist.

#276

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They did it! They did.

#277

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They ruined everything with this PC bullshit.

#278

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Straight white men can't have anything anymore.

#279

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Men? Look, don't forget white women.

#280

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We got completely passed over.

#281

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Yeah, and I can't follow any of this.

#282

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We're feeling a lot of outrage right now, you know,

#283

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because we want something, and we know we deserve it,

#284

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- but we're not getting it. - Mm.

#285

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I'm mad, but I don't know at what anymore.

#286

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That's what it is!

#287

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That's what it is! I'm pissed!

#288

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- Aah! I'm mad. - Listen, listen.

#289

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Our way of life is changing,

#290

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- and that's scary. - Right.

#291

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- We don't want to change. - Oh, that makes me so angry.

#292

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- Makes me mad. - I want to cling

#293

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to the way things were, but they're done.

#294

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- Let's get out of here. - Let's run from this.

#295

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- We'll run from it. - Wait, wait, wait,

#296

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- wait, wait. - Do we have to, legally?

#297

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Guys, we can't run. Come on.

#298

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What's ThunderGun's slogan?

#299

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"No hesitation, no surrender, no man left behind."

#300

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Did we leave a guy in there, though?

#301

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Goddamn right we did, Charlie,

#302

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and his name is John ThunderGun.

#303

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Like it or not, we have a civic duty to uphold.

#304

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We owe it to ourselves, to ThunderGun,

#305

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and to movie audiences all over the world

#306

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to put a stop to this liberal, PC bullshit.

#307

⇓

Mm-hmm. - But I think we have been selected

#308

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for a cosmic reason here; to put an end to this.

#309

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To not pull our punches.

#310

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To save the dong.

#311

⇓

Save the dong.

#312

⇓

- Save the dong. - Save the dong.

#313

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- I agree. - Oh, for God's sakes.

#314

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- This is why you don't include women. - Are you kidding me?!

#315

⇓

What?!

#316

⇓

Don't you see that there was a rhythm?

#317

⇓

- Like a cinematic rhythm. - Oh, let's do it again.

#318

⇓

- Let's do it again. - No way. No way!

#319

⇓

- I get it now. - You-you can't...

#320

⇓

You can't give women the zingers.

#321

⇓

Now, you listen here, you goddamn Hollywood communist.

#322

⇓

I live in Roxborough.

#323

⇓

Again, I didn't make this movie.

#324

⇓

Listen to me, listen to me. If you start to strip sex

#325

⇓

out of our communities, out of our culture

#326

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and-and even our art,

#327

⇓

not only do you isolate people, but you create an oppression

#328

⇓

disguised as morality.

#329

⇓

I mean, the... the Thunder Gun series

#330

⇓

has always been groundbreaking in so many ways,

#331

⇓

notwithstanding the recognition of an inequality

#332

⇓

that was present in cinema since its beginning days.

#333

⇓

The objectifying of the female form. I mean,

#334

⇓

with Thunder Gun, a great injustice was rectified. Okay?

#335

⇓

Fairness of the sexes.

#336

⇓

A unification of the human condition.

#337

⇓

I'm sorry, is this still about the flaccid penis

#338

⇓

you'd like to see?

#339

⇓

You're goddamn right!

#340

⇓

- Yeah. - We want to see it.

#341

⇓

Yes, we want to see the man's dick, but...

#342

⇓

I guess what I'm saying is that it's no longer

#343

⇓

just about gratuitous boobs,

#344

⇓

it's also about gratuitous penis.

#345

⇓

I mean, ThunderGun was about progress.

#346

⇓

Right. Uh, I think we all can agree

#347

⇓

that public opinion has sort of turned against the idea

#348

⇓

of someone exposing themselves.

#349

⇓

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

#350

⇓

- This is a different thing. - You're not understanding it.

#351

⇓

See, ThunderGun didn't take his dick out to intimidate people.

#352

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He did it because he had accomplished his mission.

#353

⇓

He wanted to kick back and call it a day.

#354

⇓

He did do it once to intimidate someone,

#355

⇓

- but that was the bad guy. - It was the bad guy.

#356

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And it just so happened the bad guy was a female.

#357

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That was the best one. That was the best one!

#358

⇓

- That was funny. - It made me wish I had a dong

#359

⇓

that I could pull out to celebrate my accomplishments.

#360

⇓

You know? Or maybe just feel the cool breeze

#361

⇓

gently tickle the shaft on a, on a crisp autumn morn.

#362

⇓

I don't know, whatever men do to... to feel powerful.

#363

⇓

- That's what it is. - It really is. It really is.

#364

⇓

Listen, Moderator, the point is this.

#365

⇓

I mean, it used to be only, like,

#366

⇓

the hard-line conservatives, like the pearl-clutching types,

#367

⇓

were the only ones that were overly vocal

#368

⇓

and extreme in their policing of sexuality.

#369

⇓

But now you got this, like, liberal wave

#370

⇓

of moral authority sweeping the nation.

#371

⇓

You know, it's nuts. I mean, think about it.

#372

⇓

If the conservatives had always run Hollywood,

#373

⇓

movies would have sucked.

#374

⇓

You know what I mean? The art would have suffered.

#375

⇓

So I guess the question we're asking is

#376

⇓

how will art fare under the oppressive thumb

#377

⇓

of this new liberal Hollywood moral PC elite?

#378

⇓

Well, I don't know. It's tough to say.

#379

⇓

But is that a world that we want to live in?

#380

⇓

I say no.

#381

⇓

I say give me dong

#382

⇓

or give me death.

#383

⇓

Yeah!

#384

⇓

Yeah, man, don't tell me

#385

⇓

what I can see and what I can't see.

#386

⇓

So, uh, just to be clear here, they didn't make it PG-13

#387

⇓

because of political correctness.

#388

⇓

- Oh, did they not? - No. No-no. They-they made it PG-13

#389

⇓

because rated-R movies

#390

⇓

aren't making as much money anymore.

#391

⇓

Because of streaming, and most importantly,

#392

⇓

- piracy. - Piracy, huh?

#393

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Yeah, and how have you all been viewing the franchise?

#394

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- Oh, no-no, not through piracy. - No.

#395

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In f... In fact, we, we-we saw the last installment

#396

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of-of the franchise out in the theater.

#397

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- We barely made it. - We barely made it.

#398

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Oh, wait, no-no, hold on,

#399

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but Frank called in that bomb threat.

#400

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Oh, but-but that was okay, because remember,

#401

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then we went home, and we, we saw it on the Internet.

#402

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- Caught it online. - We caught it online.

#403

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Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah. On that website that has all the movies.

#404

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So, that's... that is pirating.

#405

⇓

No, no, no, pirating is stealing.

#406

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We didn't steal it, okay? We just downloaded it.

#407

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Uh, the website is called "MoviePirate.com."

#408

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And the other one is called,

#409

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uh, "FreeMovies/Arrrgh."

#410

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Ah, I'm starting to see a little bit of a pattern here,

#411

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because, uh, I also use one called "StolenMovies.free."

#412

⇓

So... you're part of the problem.

#413

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Because of people like you, the studios felt like

#414

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this was their only recourse.

#415

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PG-13 opens up a whole new market.

#416

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You're saying it's our fault that we don't get to see the dong?

#417

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You're coming in there changing everything, you know,

#418

⇓

getting rid of the dong, I mean,

#419

⇓

how is that even Thunder Gun anymore?

#420

⇓

Well, yeah, th-they're changing it.

#421

⇓

They're rebooting the entire franchise.

#422

⇓

- What? - What d... What?

#423

⇓

You guys didn't get that from the final scene?

#424

⇓

Uh, no, what...?

#425

⇓

Okay. Let's review.

#426

⇓

I'm not gonna make it through this one.

#427

⇓

We can both go detonate the hydro-fusion bomb.

#428

⇓

No hesitation. No surrender. No man left behind!

#429

⇓

Not this time.

#430

⇓

No, Dad.

#431

⇓

Please.

#432

⇓

Sometimes in order to save something...

#433

⇓

you have to destroy something.

#434

⇓

You'll need this to get out of here, son.

#435

⇓

To continue our story.

#436

⇓

So, you see, they're rebooting the franchise

#437

⇓

for a younger audience.

#438

⇓

The only people who are actually

#439

⇓

still going to see movies.

#440

⇓

I did not get that.

#441

⇓

Well, you haven't gotten anything the entire day.

#442

⇓

Got to side with Charlie on this one.

#443

⇓

I didn't get it. Now, wh-what was with the fire stick?

#444

⇓

You mean the torch?

#445

⇓

The one he passed to his son Max...

#446

⇓

as in Maximum Cool... and said,

#447

⇓

"You need to continue our story"?

#448

⇓

It's the camera guy who screwed up.

#449

⇓

'Cause ThunderGun, he fell into that fiery abyss,

#450

⇓

- and for some reason, we're watching the kid... - Yeah,

#451

⇓

we wanted to go down into the volcano with John...

#452

⇓

No-no, you guys don't get it. It's a cliffhanger. Yeah?

#453

⇓

It's a cliffhanger. We're gonna find out what happened to John

#454

⇓

in the next movie, Thunder Gun 5...

#455

⇓

- Ooh... - Or, or there's a post-credit scene

#456

⇓

- that we didn't get to see, yes? - No. No. There's none of that.

#457

⇓

This isn't a cliffhanger. He's dead.

#458

⇓

John is dead. Now we follow the son's story.

#459

⇓

- No! - I don't, I don't want to.

#460

⇓

- I don't think so. - No.

#461

⇓

You don't have to think. I'm telling you, that's what it is.

#462

⇓

ThunderGun fell into a volcano.

#463

⇓

He died. And now his son Max becomes Thunder Son,

#464

⇓

the face of the franchise moving forward.

#465

⇓

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

#466

⇓

He has a son?

#467

⇓

Fuck, man! What?

#468

⇓

- How do you not get that? - It wasn't clear.

#469

⇓

Reshoots. Reshoots. You got to reshoot.

#470

⇓

- Yeah, reshoots. - Reshoots to make the movie more clear...

#471

⇓

No! That's not what we're gonna do.

#472

⇓

We're out of time. That's it. That's... We're done.

#473

⇓

But you're ruining our favorite movie! Uh...

#474

⇓

- How can we save the movies that we love? - Yeah.

#475

⇓

Maybe if you actually go out to the theaters

#476

⇓

and pay to see them, then they will continue to make them.

#477

⇓

Whoa! Oh, that's easy for you to say!

#478

⇓

With your Hollywood liberal bank account!

#479

⇓

Jesus! Who are you people?!

#480

⇓

I... am ThunderGun.

#481

⇓

I... am ThunderGun.

#482

⇓

I... am ThunderGun.

#483

⇓

I am... Thundergun.

#484

⇓

Goddammit, Dee!

#485

⇓

- Dee... - How did you not feel

#486

⇓

- that I was next and then you? - I don't know.

#487

⇓

There was a build to it,

#488

⇓

- and then... - It's like, we're trying

#489

⇓

to give the woman the final thing, and she can't do it.

#490

⇓

- Okay, start it over. - You can't go back.

#491

⇓

- Start it over? - You see the problem with women.

#492

⇓

Well, RIP ThunderGun, I guess.

#493

⇓

Yeah. What a waste.

#494

⇓

I recorded that whole thing for nothing.

#495

⇓

Dong-less!

#496

⇓

Wait a second. You recorded the whole thing?

#497

⇓

- Yeah. - Guys... hang on a second.

#498

⇓

Do you remember what ThunderGun said?

#499

⇓

Sometimes, in order to save something,

#500

⇓

you have to destroy something.

#501

⇓

And I think I know what we have to do to save Thunder Gun.

#502

⇓

Destroy it?

#503

⇓

Well, how are we gonna do that?

#504

⇓

With a little help. From some pirates.

#505

⇓

No hesitation.

#506

⇓

No surrender.

#507

⇓

No man left behind!

#508

⇓

_

#509

⇓

_

#510

⇓

_

#511

⇓

_

#512

⇓

_

#513

⇓

_

#514

⇓

_

#515

⇓

_

#516

⇓

_

#517

⇓

_

#518

⇓

Mmm.

#519

⇓

I'm bored.

#520

⇓

Well, it looks like this new Thunder Gun movie's

#521

⇓

pretty good.

#522

⇓

Well, you guys want to see it?

#523

⇓

We're gonna have to do a mad dash across town, though.

#524

⇓

It starts in 30 minutes.

#525

⇓

- To the sewers! - To the sewers!

#526

⇓

- Let's go! - Let's go!

#527

⇓

No, no, I meant like, let's see it on that pirate website.

#528

⇓

- You think it's up already? - Here, let me check.

#529

⇓

Yeah. We don't have to go across town.

#530

⇓

- It's probably on the, uh... - Yeah, it's free.

#531

⇓

We can stay here and watch it.

#532

⇓

- That way it's free. - Yep. It-it's on there.

#533

⇓

- Oh! - Put it... Yeah.

#534

⇓

You want to watch it on the phone?

#535

⇓

- Oh, good. - All right.

#536

⇓

Five tickets for the price of zero.

#537

⇓

Put on the Auto Motion Plus.

#538

⇓

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

#539

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