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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S14E01 — The Gang Gets Romantic
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Season 14, Episode 1 — The Gang Gets Romantic
Hey, look what I just found, at the bus stop.
#1
⇓
"Gruesome twosome seek exotic Europeans for week long rental
#2
⇓
"in luxurious one-bedroom apartment.
#3
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"Bed to be shared with owners. Shitter down hall.
#4
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Email F. Reynolds at Warthog-OrgyFart.edu."
#5
⇓
- Nice. - Wha... what? - Yeah. It's a good ad.
#6
⇓
You know, we got the Airbnb idea from Dennis and Mac,
#7
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- 'cause they're doing it. - Yes, but we're not posting
#8
⇓
creepy flyers at bus stations. I mean, w-what kind of people do you think
#9
⇓
- you're gonna attract with that? - What?
#10
⇓
Young Bohemians with no sexual boundaries,
#11
⇓
w-who don't mind a shitter down the hall.
#12
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Yeah, like, European backpacking chicks
#13
⇓
- who stay in hostels and stuff. - Yeah. Free.
#14
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- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. Don't be jealous
#15
⇓
when Charlie and I are up to our eyebrows in Viennese gash.
#16
⇓
- Ugh. - Ugh, gross.
gross
#17
⇓
Come on, man.
comeon
gross
#18
⇓
Guys, don't try to lump yourselves in
#19
⇓
with what we're doing, okay? What we're doing
#20
⇓
is very charming and romantic.
#21
⇓
- We're setting up a meet-cute. - Ah, a-a w-what?
#22
⇓
Are you trying to say, uh, "meat cube"?
#23
⇓
- Like, a little cube of meat? - Meat?
#24
⇓
- Because that's a good idea, actually. - No.
#25
⇓
We're doing a meet-cute.
#26
⇓
It's-it's where two soul mates meet
#27
⇓
under charming and/or cute circumstances.
#28
⇓
- Like, from a rom-com. - No.
#29
⇓
- Let-let's keep the trap simple. - Yeah.
#30
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Well, don't call it a trap, because that's not romantic.
#31
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Yeah, I'm sure for Dennis, it's a trap.
#32
⇓
_
#33
⇓
Coming.
#34
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You must be Lisa.
#35
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- And you must be Mac. - That's right.
#36
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Come on in to my very spacious apartment.
#37
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This is gonna be your room here,
#38
⇓
- and I think that... - Hello. Oh...
#39
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Hello, I'm Dennis. I'm here for the room.
#40
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Oh, my God. Dennis, no.
#41
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Y-You're supposed to be here next week.
#42
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No, it was this week.
#43
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Uh, for sure it was this week.
#44
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Oh, my God, it was this week.
#45
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- You know, this is, this is humiliating. - Did something happen?
#46
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- I must have overbooked... - Oh.
#47
⇓
- ...this Airbnb, and that's a problem... - Oh, my gosh.
#48
⇓
- ...because we only have the one room, so... - We can work this out,
#49
⇓
because I think we can probably stay
#50
⇓
in the same room to-together.
#51
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It wouldn't bother me if it wouldn't bother you.
#52
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I mean, I-I don't like to come off as a difficult person.
#53
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- Um... - Oh. Now, d-do you like to come off
#54
⇓
- as a difficult person? - No.
#55
⇓
- No. Of course not. - Oh, no.
#56
⇓
- Who-who would? Who would? - Yeah. No, no one likes
#57
⇓
to be a difficult person, so we can make it work.
#58
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- I'm Dennis. - Uh...
#59
⇓
I don't think my husband and I would be comfortable
#60
⇓
sharing a room.
#61
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Husband?
#62
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I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were married.
#63
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- I didn't realize I had to tell you that. - Yeah.
#64
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- Oh... - Uh, hi.
#65
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- Uh, one of you guys must be Mac. - Yeah, that's me.
#66
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- You, you're the husband. - Mm-hmm.
#67
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I see. Uh, this is Dennis.
#68
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- What's up? - He's also gonna be staying here.
#69
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- Well... - Yeah, you know what?
#70
⇓
Maybe we should just get another room.
#71
⇓
- Oh, no, no. I mean, maybe. - We're gonna make it work.
#72
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Well, you guys crash in there,
#73
⇓
- and Dennis will stay in my room. - Uh, I don't know.
#74
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I don't know. I don't think so. Uh, I'm good.
#75
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- I-I'm not gonna. - Oh, well, it's just that you,
#76
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you just said that you were cool sharing a room, so...
#77
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Right. Yeah, but I was, uh, you know,
#78
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I'm-I'm, but, you know, ch...
#79
⇓
Things change.
#80
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Yeah. It's just that you don't have anywhere to go.
#81
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Well, you wouldn't know that.
#82
⇓
- Yeah, somehow I do. - Yeah...
#83
⇓
Hey, we're just really tired
#84
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and would love to crash, if that's okay.
#85
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Absolutely. Yeah, you guys, you guys hit the hay.
#86
⇓
We're probably gonna hit the hay, too.
#87
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- Thank you. - All right, yeah. Best of luck. - Absolutely.
#88
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- Thank you. - Yeah, we're gonna work it out.
#89
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- It's not gonna be an issue. - All right. Thanks.
#90
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Have a great night, guys.
#91
⇓
This is so exciting.
#92
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- Yeah. - Now, you said they're,
#93
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uh, where are these girls from?
#94
⇓
- Australia? Or what is that...? - No, no.
#95
⇓
They're two Austrian broads.
#96
⇓
- Aww... - Alexi and Nikki.
#97
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Oh, wowee, Frank.
#98
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Those names are, those names are like...
#99
⇓
Before they get here, we got to lay down some ground rules.
#100
⇓
When we wind up working the same broad,
#101
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no eye contact between the two of us.
#102
⇓
- Wait, what? - And they're gonna encourage us
#103
⇓
- to explore each other's bodies. - What?
#104
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- A-And that's a hard no for me. - No, for me, too.
#105
⇓
- Let's lead with that. - Wait, what's about to happen?
#106
⇓
I'm not sure I want...
#107
⇓
Keep your fingers to yourself.
#108
⇓
- But have a good time. - Uh... Hey, can...
#109
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I just kind of want you to explain what you...
#110
⇓
- Yeah. - ...what you got on your mind here, but...
#111
⇓
Who the hell are you?
#112
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Hi. We're here for the room.
#113
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Nah, no, no, no, no, no.
#114
⇓
We're waiting for Nikki and Alexi.
#115
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Yeah. I am Nikki, and this is my father Alexi.
#116
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Oh, shit.
#117
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What is this, man? W-What, what are we doing?
#118
⇓
I-I don't want to do this anymore. Can we stop?
#119
⇓
Huh? No, we can't stop now.
#120
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We're-we're right on track.
#121
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I don't know, man. It just...
#122
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It just feels like a-a lot of effort,
#123
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and it feels desperate, you know what I mean?
#124
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Like, I-I never put this much work
#125
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into banging some cute meat.
#126
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Cute meat?
#127
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Cute meat. That-that was your phrase.
#128
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No, Dennis, "meet-cute."
#129
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It has a name, Mac. Its name is Lisa.
#130
⇓
This is fun, right? This is the banter. This is the,
#131
⇓
this is... this is all a part of act one banter.
#132
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And we are right on schedule.
#133
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Shh. Listen.
#134
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They're fighting.
#135
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I'm telling you, their marriage is on the rocks.
#136
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What-what, wait-wait-wait.
#137
⇓
What's that third noise?
#138
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Dude, i-is that, like, a chicken or a parrot
#139
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or some shit? Dude, uh, I thought we said no animals.
#140
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Mac, tell them no animals in my room.
#141
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That's no animal.
#142
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- Oh... - We needed reinforcements.
#143
⇓
- Okay, catch me up to speed. - Shh, shh.
#144
⇓
- Listen, listen. - You can't keep blaming me
#145
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- for what happened with Teddy. - Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
#146
⇓
- Who is Teddy? - Mm...
#147
⇓
The wife must have cheated on the husband
#148
⇓
with some guy named Teddy.
#149
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No, no, no, that's all wrong.
#150
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The female love interest can't be a cheater,
#151
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because that makes her unlikable.
#152
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Maybe this isn't a romantic comedy about the wife at all.
#153
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Maybe it's about the husband.
#154
⇓
Yes. The husband is the lonely heart
#155
⇓
who needs to find love in the big city.
#156
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Dee, you're my new romantic lead,
#157
⇓
proving that romantic leads don't have to be likable at all.
#158
⇓
I'm sorry, I can't follow any of this.
#159
⇓
- Am I in or out? - You're out.
#160
⇓
- Great. I'm gonna go sleep in the living room. - Okay.
#161
⇓
- Uh... - Awesome.
#162
⇓
Charlie, this is weird as shit.
#163
⇓
Yeah. Hey... hey, uh, Nikki, what's this
#164
⇓
- that we're listening to here, pal? - Oh.
#165
⇓
It's just a little bit of music that I wrote.
#166
⇓
Ah, you're a, you're a yodeler, huh?
#167
⇓
Uh, y-yeah. Uh, may I ask if you have a small pot
#168
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- that I can boil these lederhosen in? - Uh, yeah.
#169
⇓
I got something. Uh, let me just look around here.
#170
⇓
What do you got going there with the toe?
#171
⇓
- Does he speak English? - No, and sadly,
#172
⇓
- he refuses to learn. - Oh, yeah.
#173
⇓
Oh, yeah, Frank doesn't like to learn new things either.
#174
⇓
Here you go. Tha-That should work.
#175
⇓
Ask him what he's working that toe with.
#176
⇓
Um, how do you say... There is no word.
#177
⇓
Uh, "toe spoon," for the digging out of the toe.
#178
⇓
- Mmm. - Don't flick it.
#179
⇓
Hey, Frank, can I talk to you for a second over here, man?
#180
⇓
- Mind if we just... - Yeah.
#181
⇓
Dude, this is weird as hell man.
#182
⇓
We gotta... We're just gonna have to, like,
#183
⇓
power through this night,
#184
⇓
and then we'll figure something out tomorrow, man.
#185
⇓
All right? We'll just... Let's just get into bed,
#186
⇓
and get out of here. Hey, hey, guys, you know,
#187
⇓
- we figure we should just turn in early. - We're gonna go to sleep
#188
⇓
- right now. - 'Cause the night goes quicker, you know?
#189
⇓
- We usually sleep ass to ass. - That's true.
#190
⇓
But let's see if we can...
#191
⇓
- I call the side. - I'll get...
#192
⇓
- You got the end, huh? - Yeah. Picked the side here.
#193
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- Why don't you hop in. - All right, I'll hop in.
#194
⇓
- Yeah. - All right.
#195
⇓
Well, ass to ass.
#196
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- We're ass to ass. - Here we go.
#197
⇓
All right.
#198
⇓
Fuck this.
#199
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Dennis. Come here.
#200
⇓
- What... What are you doing, man? - Shh! Shh.
#201
⇓
Wh-Why are you in their room?
#202
⇓
- Shh, shh, shh. - What?
#203
⇓
I just set up the perfect meet-cute for Dee.
#204
⇓
- Okay. - See, Greg's in the shower,
#205
⇓
so I snuck in there, I picked the lock,
#206
⇓
and I just made my way in.
#207
⇓
I checked him out for a quick second.
#208
⇓
He has a tiny penis, just for the record.
#209
⇓
- Ah. - Then, I open up the toilet.
#210
⇓
I shit, like, my brains out into it, right?
#211
⇓
I came at this thing like an animal, man.
#212
⇓
And then I took a bunch of toilet paper.
#213
⇓
I-I jammed it in there
#214
⇓
so it won't flush; it won't flush.
#215
⇓
Why?
#216
⇓
Because when Greg gets out of the shower,
#217
⇓
he's gonna realize that this toilet is a mess.
#218
⇓
I mean, it is a splatter-fest.
#219
⇓
He's gonna look for a plunger. There is no plunger.
#220
⇓
I'm gonna send him down to the hardware store,
#221
⇓
where he's gonna run into Dee.
#222
⇓
Oh, my God!
#223
⇓
Greg, y... Are you okay in there?
#224
⇓
Um, no. I-I think there's a problem with the toilet.
#225
⇓
You may need to get a plunger.
#226
⇓
A plunger? Oh, man, we don't really even have a plunger
#227
⇓
here in the apartment,
#228
⇓
but we have a hardware store down the street.
#229
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If you go down there and get it, I can get you back.
#230
⇓
Okay. Hey, when did this happen?
#231
⇓
Wh-What?
#232
⇓
The shit in the toilet. It's not mine.
#233
⇓
Oh, my God, when did that happen?
#234
⇓
- Just close the door. - That's what I'm asking you.
#235
⇓
- Okay, now the plan is in motion for you. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
#236
⇓
What do you mean the plan's in motion for me?
#237
⇓
I thought I was out.
#238
⇓
Remember when we were saying that
#239
⇓
the female romantic lead would never cheat?
#240
⇓
- Uh-huh. - Okay, well, I overheard Lisa
#241
⇓
saying to Greg that she misses Teddy.
#242
⇓
Huh? Why would she tell Greg
#243
⇓
that she misses the guy that she cheated with?
#244
⇓
Unless she didn't cheat on him with Teddy.
#245
⇓
Maybe Teddy was a platonic friend
#246
⇓
from high school that makes Greg jealous.
#247
⇓
Don't you know what this means?
#248
⇓
Lisa is still our romantic lead, which means...
#249
⇓
- So I'm still your leading man. - Yeah.
#250
⇓
- This is crazy, Charlie. - Yeah, I know.
#251
⇓
I mean, Dennis is having meet cubes with hot chicks,
#252
⇓
- and we're stuck with these guys. - I know.
#253
⇓
I want to be having meet cubes, right?
#254
⇓
Me, too. Me, too.
#255
⇓
What the hell? What the hell is he doing?
#256
⇓
I don't know what he's doing.
#257
⇓
What are you... What are you doing there?
#258
⇓
What... What are you doing with the spoon?
#259
⇓
You can't get to the hard-to-reach places with that.
#260
⇓
You need a knife. You need an edge.
#261
⇓
- Here, take this. - What, uh...
#262
⇓
What are you working on over here, pal?
#263
⇓
Because, you know, Frank and I have
#264
⇓
a very specific diet; we like to eat pretty clean.
#265
⇓
And I don't want to...
#266
⇓
- That is, uh, sausage... - Yeah.
#267
⇓
- ...mit peanut butter und apricot jam sandwich. - Hmm.
#268
⇓
But the trick is to melt the cheese on the outside.
#269
⇓
Well, that's right, you put peanut butter on the inside,
#270
⇓
you put the cheese on the outside.
#271
⇓
But you don't want to burn that cheese, right, so you...
#272
⇓
...so you finish it on the radiator.
#273
⇓
I do that, too. I didn't think anyone did that, man!
#274
⇓
And that is the trick. That's how you do it.
#275
⇓
- That's exactly... Exactly. - Exactly.
#276
⇓
Hey, Charlie, this is pretty good.
#277
⇓
You can get in there behind the toe,
#278
⇓
and it's rounded, so you don't have a chance
#279
⇓
of filletin' yourself.
#280
⇓
Probably shouldn't share it, though, guys.
#281
⇓
It's not... That's not sanitary.
#282
⇓
I got a question. Tell me if it's asking too much,
#283
⇓
but I've always kind of seen myself as a yodeler.
#284
⇓
Would you be willing to show me how you do that?
#285
⇓
I would like that very much.
#286
⇓
For real? Okay, 'cause I feel like
#287
⇓
if I... if I learn how to yodel, I'm going places.
#288
⇓
You know what I mean? Because, like, no one...
#289
⇓
- no one's doing that these days. - Charlie.
#290
⇓
- Charlie, come here. - Uh, give me one second.
#291
⇓
Yo, what's up?
#292
⇓
We just got a hit on the apartment.
#293
⇓
Two European broads.
#294
⇓
Oh, I don't know, man, things are starting to really
#295
⇓
- turn a corner with these guys. - Yeah, I know.
#296
⇓
I mean, you know, I'm having fun.
#297
⇓
- I like the spoon. - And you got that.
#298
⇓
- I guess... Okay, but you know. - Yeah. Yeah, ooh...
#299
⇓
And...
#300
⇓
- Sorry, no. We double-booked. - Sorry, guys. Yeah, I'm so sorry.
#301
⇓
- We're gonna miss you. - You know, these things happen.
#302
⇓
- We-we just double-booked. - Thanks for the toe spoon.
#303
⇓
Yeah, thanks so much, guys. Good-bye.
#304
⇓
Oops.
#305
⇓
Sorry.
#306
⇓
That was pretty cute, wasn't it, how we...
#307
⇓
both reached for the plunger at the same time?
#308
⇓
Yeah, I guess.
#309
⇓
Also, looks like it's the only one.
#310
⇓
It's the last one, so, um... maybe we could share it.
#311
⇓
How would that work?
#312
⇓
Well, I guess, first you'd have to come back to my place.
#313
⇓
You know, I can always use a man
#314
⇓
to help me clean my pipes.
#315
⇓
Help flushing the shit you took that backed up your toilet?
#316
⇓
No. No, that's... No, that's... it wasn't shit.
#317
⇓
- That's not what I'm talking about. It wasn't shit. - What was it?
#318
⇓
- I don't care. - Okay, it doesn't matter.
#319
⇓
The point is that it's-it's charming and cute and fun
#320
⇓
how we, how we just sort of met like this over a plunger.
#321
⇓
Don't you think so?
#322
⇓
I'm just gonna go to another hardware store.
#323
⇓
Well, okay. Well, hold on a second. Wait, wait.
#324
⇓
Don't go.
#325
⇓
There we go.
#326
⇓
Pushing away his soul mate, right on structure.
#327
⇓
End act two.
#328
⇓
Hey! It's my roomie. What's going on?
#329
⇓
Hi.
#330
⇓
- I got you some wine. - Oh, no, thank you.
#331
⇓
Well, it helps when you're sad. You seem sad.
#332
⇓
But I-I get it. I-I understand.
#333
⇓
- You do? - Oh, yeah.
#334
⇓
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
#335
⇓
Yeah, you miss Teddy, and no one can replace him.
#336
⇓
I assume you overheard my husband and I.
#337
⇓
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
#338
⇓
But, look, maybe I can fill that void, you know,
#339
⇓
if only for a few hours of, uh, sexual bliss.
#340
⇓
Oh, no. What?
#341
⇓
Sex.
#342
⇓
Bangin'.
#343
⇓
It's good to take the mind off things. You know?
#344
⇓
But wait, l-let me, let me ease your mind about something.
#345
⇓
I'm not the jealous type, like your husband.
#346
⇓
You know, you want to spend time with Teddy also, uh,
#347
⇓
that's fine, you know.
#348
⇓
Dig that guy up, you know, see what he's been up to these days.
#349
⇓
I honestly don't give a shit.
#350
⇓
Yeah.
#351
⇓
You all right?
#352
⇓
- What? - Oh.
#353
⇓
What happened?
#354
⇓
This is so bad.
#355
⇓
Don't talk about him.
#356
⇓
- Okay, that went great. - Huh?
#357
⇓
- Now, next steps... - Whoa.
#358
⇓
How, in your mind, did that go great?
#359
⇓
- I thought the crying was hot. - I did, too.
#360
⇓
But it just, it seems like it's gonna be annoying.
#361
⇓
I find you annoying. This whole thing's annoying.
#362
⇓
- I'm gonna go back to my thing. - No, Dennis, this is working.
#363
⇓
You just have to trust the structure.
#364
⇓
- Uh, nah. - Just trust the structure.
#365
⇓
- Yeah... Come on in, come on in. - Well, yeah, come on in.
#366
⇓
Oh, this... this is the spot.
#367
⇓
- Sorry it's messy. - It's a little messy.
#368
⇓
We had a guest, and he trashed the joint.
#369
⇓
That's right, the-the guest trashed the place.
#370
⇓
No, it is perfect.
#371
⇓
- Uh, so much space. - Mm-hmm.
#372
⇓
- Yeah. - Looks very bohemian.
#373
⇓
And I like that the bathroom down the hall is so close.
#374
⇓
- Yeah, it's right, it's right there. - It's not far, right?
#375
⇓
- I mean, there's no door on it. - Yeah.
#376
⇓
But that's because the guy in 4B went berserk and ripped it off.
#377
⇓
- Oh. - Uh, yeah.
#378
⇓
And if you do have to use the bathroom,
#379
⇓
- what I can do is I can become the door for you. - Yeah.
#380
⇓
- I do that for Frank when he's taking a dump in there. - You stand in front of it.
#381
⇓
No, no, no, it is okay.
#382
⇓
We're very free with our bodies.
#383
⇓
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah?
#384
⇓
- Mm-hmm. - Cool. Yeah, us, too. I mean...
#385
⇓
- I only see one bed. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's a one-bedder.
#386
⇓
- Uh... - Oh.
#387
⇓
- We can sleep on the floor... - No, no, no, no, no. - No.
#388
⇓
That's no fun.
#389
⇓
- We should all share. Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
#390
⇓
- Yeah, that's okay with me. Is that okay with you? - No fun to sleep...
#391
⇓
- Yeah, here on the bed. - Ah-ah-ah.
#392
⇓
That is not very free with your body.
#393
⇓
- Uh... what do you mean? - Wh-Wh-What?
#394
⇓
- We all sleep naked. It's more fun. - Mm-hmm.
#395
⇓
Come, we don't bite.
#396
⇓
Yeah, just take it off. Come.
#397
⇓
So you're telling me
#398
⇓
that you got nowhere with Greg?
#399
⇓
That's not true. That's not true at all.
#400
⇓
Got him right where I want him. This is the part
#401
⇓
where I sit back and wait for him to come to his senses.
#402
⇓
Th-That-That's not how it works. Goddamn it.
#403
⇓
This is the part where the trashy skank
#404
⇓
is-is supposed to lure the husband away.
#405
⇓
He bangs that nasty snatch, and then Lisa recognizes
#406
⇓
that he is a dullard and needs to drop him,
#407
⇓
so that Lisa, the true hero of the story,
#408
⇓
can figure out that she needs to be free and find love.
#409
⇓
I'm the true hero of the story.
#410
⇓
You are a diversionary plot twist at best.
#411
⇓
And you couldn't even do that right.
#412
⇓
Ooh, what a night! Wha...!
#413
⇓
- You can't believe what happened. - Whew!
#414
⇓
We got the backpackers we wanted,
#415
⇓
and they're as sexually free as we hoped.
#416
⇓
- Those girls are wild, man. - It was amazing.
#417
⇓
They wanted us to, like-like, touch each other and stuff.
#418
⇓
I'm like, "Dude, that's a hard no for me."
#419
⇓
No, it was a hard no for me, too.
#420
⇓
- Well, but... - I said no.
#421
⇓
- I said no. - You were thinking about it, though.
#422
⇓
- All of a sudden, like, Frank gives me one of those... - No, I wasn't thinking about it.
#423
⇓
- I'm like, "Are you kidding me?" I'm not gonna do that. - No, no, no, I wasn't...
#424
⇓
I can't even understand them half the time.
#425
⇓
- It's like the accents... - I don't know. They were crazy chicks.
#426
⇓
Hey, hoping you're having fun with your
#427
⇓
"meat cube" romance party. That does sound fun.
#428
⇓
I do want some of those meat cubes later.
#429
⇓
Dude, that girl with the, with the long fingernails...
#430
⇓
Jesus Christ.
#431
⇓
Frank and Charlie are off having orgies,
#432
⇓
and I'm sitting here all alone.
#433
⇓
I mean, this is crazy. The whole world's upside down.
#434
⇓
- Up is down, black is white. - Straight is gay.
#435
⇓
That's it!
#436
⇓
- What? - Maybe Teddy cheated with Greg.
#437
⇓
Maybe this whole thing has just been one giant meet-cute
#438
⇓
for me and Greg.
#439
⇓
Hmm.
#440
⇓
You know, it won't play in Middle America, but screw it.
#441
⇓
We'll jam it down their throats till they enjoy it.
#442
⇓
W-We'll force them to like it.
#443
⇓
- So you'll help me? - I will.
#444
⇓
- And I'll help you, too. - Get your hand off me.
#445
⇓
Yeah, get your hands off him. We don't need your help.
#446
⇓
I think we're probably gonna end up cutting you
#447
⇓
out of this almost entirely.
#448
⇓
- Uh, Mac, let's go find you some romance. - Yeah!
#449
⇓
Shall we?
#450
⇓
You know... Okay, but just a heads-up:
#451
⇓
It's not gonna work, all right? Men are not in charge anymore.
#452
⇓
You know? Men-men don't get to just decide
#453
⇓
what women get to do...
#454
⇓
Hey, Frank.
#455
⇓
- Yeah? - Hey.
#456
⇓
Can I admit something to you?
#457
⇓
If you're gonna tell me that was your finger, Charlie,
#458
⇓
I'm gonna be pissed.
#459
⇓
No, that was, that was definitely Minka.
#460
⇓
- She's real aggressive with the fingers. - Oh, my...
#461
⇓
I don't get that move at all.
#462
⇓
But, dude, something, besides this violent Euro ass play,
#463
⇓
it just doesn't feel right, man.
#464
⇓
Plus, dude, these girls are drug addicts.
#465
⇓
I saw them using Alexi's toe spoon to cook heroin.
#466
⇓
- What?! - I don't even think we need to whisper. Like...
#467
⇓
- Oh. - Yeah, they're passed out, man.
#468
⇓
Oh, dude.
#469
⇓
This isn't good. This isn't good.
#470
⇓
- Yeah. - Charlie.
#471
⇓
- Look, it's done for. - It's ruined. I know, yeah.
#472
⇓
- No, it's-it's ruined. - Oh.
#473
⇓
Hey, Frank, can I admit something else to you, man?
#474
⇓
I-I can't stop thinking about Alexi and Nikki.
#475
⇓
Me, too.
#476
⇓
Like, maybe we made a huge mistake, man.
#477
⇓
- We might've. - And I know it's...
#478
⇓
- that it's two hot girls. - Hot chicks.
#479
⇓
A-And you should make the most of that, right? But...
#480
⇓
Because it's good, you know?
#481
⇓
- But some-something just doesn't feel right, man. - Yeah.
#482
⇓
Something doesn't feel right.
#483
⇓
- No, it doesn't feel right. - Something's off.
#484
⇓
I miss those guys. I miss them. I...
#485
⇓
- What's that? What's that? - Oh, that thing?
#486
⇓
Oh, yeah. Uh...
#487
⇓
Uh, there was a package outside the door
#488
⇓
when we came back the-the other night, and...
#489
⇓
- What's it, a gift? - Yeah, I don't know.
#490
⇓
It... I can't read it
#491
⇓
'cause it's, like, in Austrian or something. Uh...
#492
⇓
- No, it's in English. - Yeah. I-Is it English?
#493
⇓
"Thanks for everything.
#494
⇓
Love, Alexi and Nikki."
#495
⇓
- Oh, no shit? - They gave us a present.
#496
⇓
They left a gift for us?
#497
⇓
Meat cube.
#498
⇓
Bus station.
#499
⇓
Pretty Woman.
#500
⇓
Yeah!
#501
⇓
I'm just gonna go out to the car.
#502
⇓
Yeah, okay.
#503
⇓
Nice to meet you. Bye.
#504
⇓
Okay, great. Okay, all right.
#505
⇓
This is your moment, Mac. Now remember,
#506
⇓
just speak from the heart, all right?
#507
⇓
Sweep him off his feet. Go to him.
#508
⇓
- Go to him. Yes. - No, no.
#509
⇓
Hey, uh, uh, Greg?
#510
⇓
- Yes. - Uh, was wondering if we could have a quick chat.
#511
⇓
Oh. Sorry about that, guys. Wrong-wrong track.
#512
⇓
- Yeah. That was the wrong song. - Here we go.
#513
⇓
Oh, here we go.
#514
⇓
That's the one.
#515
⇓
Um...
#516
⇓
I know that what you had with Teddy was special,
#517
⇓
and I know that I could never replace him.
#518
⇓
But that's dead and buried now, man, and you got to move on.
#519
⇓
I-I... And I know that it's crazy.
#520
⇓
I know that it's crazy 'cause we just met, but I feel like
#521
⇓
if-if you just give us a chance,
#522
⇓
we could tell a love story for the ages.
#523
⇓
A gay... gay-ass love story.
#524
⇓
A-And, yeah, maybe it won't play in Middle America,
#525
⇓
and-and maybe it's not even ready for the mainstream,
#526
⇓
but it'll win a ton of awards, and it'll get
#527
⇓
a shit ton of attention for the liberal press.
#528
⇓
I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.
#529
⇓
I... dumped up your toilet, Greg.
#530
⇓
It was me. It was always me.
#531
⇓
But I did it for us, to draw us closer together.
#532
⇓
- Now, I just think if we can... - What?
#533
⇓
Lisa's here.
#534
⇓
- What's going on? - Lisa,
#535
⇓
I'm glad you're here. Thank you. Please come in.
#536
⇓
We have something to tell you.
#537
⇓
- No. - It's time you heard the truth.
#538
⇓
Greg and I are going to be together.
#539
⇓
But know this.
#540
⇓
There was nothing that-that you could've ever done,
#541
⇓
because what Greg needed was Teddy.
#542
⇓
And what he needs now is me.
#543
⇓
So, Greg, let me be your everything,
#544
⇓
just like your old lover Teddy.
#545
⇓
Teddy was our son.
#546
⇓
He died of leukemia.
#547
⇓
- What? - Oh, you know what? I think... Let me, uh...
#548
⇓
No, you got to, you got to...
#549
⇓
Just turn it off. Just off.
#550
⇓
Just-just turn it off.
#551
⇓
Sorry.
#552
⇓
Yeah. I don't have a dead kid's...
#553
⇓
uh, approp-appropriate...
#554
⇓
Um... I guess
#555
⇓
we'll let you get back to the healing.
#556
⇓
Yeah, you guys do your thing.
#557
⇓
Yeah.
#558
⇓
That's not romantic. Or comedic.
#559
⇓
- You think they're gonna give us a bad review? - Yeah.
#560
⇓
I guess we're not gonna get that...
#561
⇓
romantic comedy ending after all.
#562
⇓
- This way, Frank. - Wait. Oh, yeah.
#563
⇓
- Nikki?! - Alexi?!
#564
⇓
- Alexi?! - Where are they?
#565
⇓
- Nikki?! - Yeah. Nikki?! Alexi?!
#566
⇓
No, Nikki, Alexi!
#567
⇓
- Nikki, wait, wait, wait! Wait! - Alexi!
#568
⇓
- Wait, wait, wait. Listen. - Hey!
#569
⇓
- Listen, please-please, please don't go. - Hey.
#570
⇓
We're the perfect match.
#571
⇓
We-we didn't say it before,
#572
⇓
- but w-we understand now. - Yeah.
#573
⇓
We feel the same way,
#574
⇓
but we must return to our country.
#575
⇓
But we will return here exactly one year from today.
#576
⇓
If you feel the same, be here at sunset,
#577
⇓
and we will spend our days together,
#578
⇓
knee-deep in American gash.
#579
⇓
- Wait one year? One year. - Okay. We'll be here.
#580
⇓
- We'll be right here. - We'll be here. We'll be here.
#581
⇓
- Alexi. - Have a good trip.
#582
⇓
- Thank you for everything. - Thank you.
#583
⇓
- Bye-bye. Bye. - Thank you. I...
#584
⇓
I love you!
#585
⇓
Oh, man.
#586
⇓
What do you think, buddy?
#587
⇓
He had me at "gash," Charlie.
#588
⇓
He had me at "gash."
#589
⇓
- Bye! Bye! Bye! - Bye.
#590
⇓
- Bye. - Bye!
#591
⇓
Oh, man.
#592
⇓
I'm gonna miss 'em.
#593
⇓
- Go home? - Yeah.
#594
⇓
Hell of a guys, you know what I'm saying?
#595
⇓
They were, they were great. They were great guys.
#596
⇓
Yeah. I mean, a little weird, you know?
#597
⇓
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com
#598
⇓
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