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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E10 — Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 10 — Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

TMDB episode metadata
Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Episode title: Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad
Air date: August 17, 2006
Director: Dan Attias
Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito
Dee receives e-mails from a stranger claiming to be her and Dennis' real father. Meanwhile, Mac decides to visit his father who is in prison.
Source: TMDB
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Hey-o! What is up, bitches?
bitches
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I'm trying to revamp my MySpace page, but Dennis keeps criticizing
criticizingdenniskeepsmyspacepage
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every move that I make. - What is that?
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What in the hell is a MySpace page?
myspacepage
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- It's, like, that friends forum. - These things are awesome.
awesomeforumfriends
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You create a profile, put your picture on...
createpictureprofile
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... other people send you pictures and want to be your friend.
friendpicturessend
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So that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
heardloserssaddest
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How are we losers, dude?
losers
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Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy. Computers are for losers.
boilscomputersloserssmart
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You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning.
beerdrinkingmorning
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- Whatever, dude. Irrelevant. - Holy shit!
holyirrelevant
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This guy's been trying to contact me for, like, two weeks now
contactweeks
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and I've just been blowing him off.
blowing
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- But he's saying that he's our dad. - Awesome. Crazy person.
awesomecrazycrazy-personperson
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- Let me see. - No. Not awesome.
awesome
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Because look at the pictures he's sending.
picturessending
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- Oh! Oh, look at that! - See?
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That's your mom, dude! There's, like...
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There's, like, a ton of pictures of this guy and your mom.
pictures
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Oh, you know what? He does kind of look like you, Dennis.
dennis
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Don't jump to any conclusions here.
conclusionsjump
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This is bullshit! You guys have two dads, and I don't even have one.
bullshitdads
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Yeah! That is bullshit! We don't even have one.
bullshit
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What are you talking about? You have a father.
father
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But he's in prison. He's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.
countlifeprisonwholewhole-life
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That does count! I never met my father!
countfather
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Take it easy, all right? This guy's not our dad.
easy
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I don't know. This is really freaking me out.
freaking
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Look, Dee, this guy can't be our dad. That's ridiculous.
ridiculous
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Is it? Is it any more ridiculous than our dad having brown eyes...
browneyeshavingridiculous
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black hair and being 4'10"?
blackhair
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This is really a nice place.
place
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It's about time you kids show me some respect.
kidsrespect
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It doesn't really have anything to do with respect.
respect
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We wanted to take you to a fancy place so you would behave yourself.
behavefancyplacewanted
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- Yeah, yeah. - We need to talk to you, Dad.
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- Shoot. - It's kind of disturbing.
disturbingshoot
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You two aren't banging, are you?
banging
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- What? - No! What are you talking about?
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- That's disgusting. - Yeah. Yeah, it is.
disgusting
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Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it. Trust me.
trust
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- That's not what we're here for. - It better not be
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because I don't want no... (grunts) grandkids.
grandkidsgrunts
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- I am not banging my sister. - Jesus Christ!
bangingchristjesusjesus-christsister
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- What have I walked into here? - Oh, my God.
walked
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You two aren't having sex together?
having
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- No, we're not having sex together. - What the hell is she doing here?
having
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Sit down, please, Mom. Sit.
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I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
pervertedpulled
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- It's not perverted. - Banging your sister is perverted.
bangingpervertedsister
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I am not banging my sister!
bangingsister
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- God! Can you just sit, please? - Please sit in the chair.
chair
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- Frank. - Barbara.
barbarafrank
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Your turkey neck is exceptionally attractive this evening.
attractiveeveningneckturkey
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- You have turned into a retarded. - You're a retard.
retardretardedturned
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Can we use some adult language, just for a couple minutes?
adultcouplecouple-minuteslanguageminutes
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Let's get to it. There's this guy Bruce who contacted Dee on MySpace
brucecontactedmyspace
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and he's claiming to be our biological father.
biologicalbiological-fatherclaimingfather
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We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way.
questionwanted
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Is there a chance that that could be possible?
chancepossible
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- No. - Yes.
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- What? - Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?
brucebruce-mathismathis
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- Yeah. - Then, yes.
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There's a chance this guy could be our father?
chancefather
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- No. Yes, he is your father. - What are you talking about?
father
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Do we really have to get into all of this?
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- My God! Yes. - Yes, we really have to.
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Everybody settle down. It's not the end of the world.
everybodysettleworld
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A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair,
affairbruce
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or whatever you want to call it.
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Long story short, he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision.
decisionpregnantshortstorystory-short
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Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone
bestdecidedmoneyseeing
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was if I didn't tell Bruce
bruce
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and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.
fatherstorytwins
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- End of story? - How could you do that?
story
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Oh, I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?
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Children, would you like to have been aborted?
children
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I can't believe this. I just can't believe this!
believe
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- Okay, Dad. Keep your voice down. - You whore!
voicewhore
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- Keep it down, okay? - Please don't make a scene.
scene
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- Don't make a scene. - Sit back down.
scene
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Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me,
excusescene
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that my horrible, whore wife,
horriblewhorewife
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has tricked me into raising two bastards...
bastardsraisingtricked
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... for 30 years, and I'm being asked to not make a scene!
askedsceneyears
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Whoa! Oh, excuse me? Oh, did you bang my wife? Huh?
bangexcusewhoawife
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Did you bang my whore wife? Anybody here have any illegitimate children
anybodybangchildrenillegitimatewhorewife
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with my whore wife that I should know about?
whorewife
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- Jesus, Frank! - Jesus! Jesus, Frank!
frankfrank-jesusjesusjesus-frankjesus-jesus
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Jesus, Frank! Jesus, Frank! Jesus, Frank!
frankfrank-jesusjesusjesus-frank
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Jes... Oh! Jesus, Frank! My life is a lie! My life is a lie!
frankjesusjesus-franklife
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Somebody's got to get stabbed! Somebody's got to get sta...
somebodysstabbed
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- No... - Sta... Sta...
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(people gasp)
gasp
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Let's get out of here.
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So, Dad. Kind of a funny story.
funnyfunny-storystory
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Turns out my friends got some weird news the other day
friendsnewsturnsweird
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about their biological father...
biologicalbiological-fatherfather
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And it got me to thinking, about maybe reconnecting with mine.
thinking
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Uh-huh.
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And, you know, Charlie never had a father.
charliefather
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And, uh, I thought that maybe the three of us...
three
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... could all become, like... like, friends or something.
becomefriends
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Really? Okay. I'll tell you what. Maybe I got something for you.
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- It's a father-son type of thing? - Yeah.
fathertype
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I got a business I been running in here the last couple of years.
businesscouplerunningyears
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I was thinking of expanding. I'm gonna need people on the outside.
expandingthinking
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Some really badass, tough guys.
badasstough
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- Like where you're going with this. - Think you came to the right place.
place
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What do you guys know about...
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... smuggling heroin through your anus?
anusheroinsmuggling
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You definitely look good. That's not what I'm saying.
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I just think you need to tuck it in in the back.
tuck
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- In the back? - Yeah.
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You button the top button and then they tuck it in in the back.
buttontuck
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- It is tucked in the back. - Is it?
tucked
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- Is it bunchy? - It's not bunchy.
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- Let me see. That's exactly it. - How do I look?
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- That's gonna impress your dad. - It is gonna impress my dad.
impress
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You piece of shit! You no-good piece of shit!
piece
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Whoa, whoa, Frank! What's going on in here? What happened?
frankhappenedwhoawhoa-frankwhoa-whoa
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- I had a minor stroke. No big deal. - What's with the gun, dude?
dealminorstroke
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I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.
bitchchildren
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- What? By doing MySpace? - I did everything they said to do.
myspace
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I put a picture, a profile.
pictureprofile
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And won't tell me where the bastard lives.
bastardlives
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- Did you send him a friend request? - I don't want to be his friend.
friendrequestsend
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I want to shoot him in the face. Can you help me?
faceshoot
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- No. You... - Yes, absolutely. But no killing.
absolutelykilling
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- Needs to be killed. - Doesn't need to be killed.
killedneeds
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He could take a good ass whupping. And we're down with that.
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- Are you crazy? - No, dude!
crazy
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- Give us one second here. - Charlie.
charliesecond
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This is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected.
opportunityproverespected
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No one is more respected than dudes in prison, right?
dudesprisonrespected
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- Yeah. - And what are dudes in prison?
dudesprison
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- Hard? - Right. Is our chance to get hard.
chancehard
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Okay. I just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
besthard
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Of course it is. This is totally hard.
coursehard
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c4ac6b6e-489c-443b-bb80-92a5505c98c2.gif
- You want to get hard, don't you? - I want to get hard.
hard
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00c009fb-8fe1-4359-bd48-aab4e465b642.gif
I want to get very, very hard.
hard
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Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
heroinshove
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I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
shove
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This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are
hardopportunityperfectperfect-opportunityprove
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and not shove anything into our asses!
assesshove
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What in God's name are you two talking about?
godsgods-namename
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- Frank, we're in. - Great.
frank
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Oh, God! This is so weird. I'm really nervous.
nervousweird
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I really hope he's not an asshole.
assholehope
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I don't think I can handle two asshole dads.
assholedadshandle
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Are these my beautiful children?
children
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5330e6b7-36bb-4d44-8881-28bdbdf252c5.gif
I can't believe what a miracle this is after all these years.
believemiracleyears
↓
41a786b6-a578-471a-ba81-95f08c91db02.gif
Oops.
oops
↓
04291586-0a38-43f1-aa95-35e935b2d443.gif
You know, I loved your mother more than I can say.
lovedmother
↓
22ab0f79-ef7f-49c6-8bc0-aa9dd6cb246b.gif
And I'm sure she had her reasons, but she never told me.
reasons
↓
3b59f9d1-2a78-4b3d-801c-973d8de7e8a3.gif
Yeah. Well, this whole thing is very strange for all of us.
strangewhole
↓
d39adc62-e147-48a3-ad4f-b51a74fa66bc.gif
- We've got a lot to catch up on. - Yeah. Tell us about yourself.
catch
↓
a3c312ea-03c3-487b-988f-acc4aefabc84.gif
- Yeah. - Where to begin, uh...
begin
↓
9f26afed-28da-472c-af39-9fa3f745549b.gif
I met your mom here in, uh... in Philadelphia.
philadelphia
↓
34cbe36c-163f-4401-b098-28f54c25bec9.gif
It was just before I shipped off to Alaska with Greenpeace.
alaskashipped
↓
0dc55d6d-2a36-444c-83a3-4effcd480c1d.gif
I do a lot of environmental work and work with kids.
environmentalkids
↓
e17716f9-0c97-4e54-b8e6-bba8af4c6854.gif
And we were in Alaska. And then we went to Africa, to the Sudan.
africaalaska
↓
03dbc991-f7a3-4513-a962-8c0437fe4254.gif
We... Here.
↓
0dd9d791-bc59-4c91-8beb-2833961cddae.gif
This... This is my adopted family.
adoptedfamily
↓
a1504664-d5b6-4101-8760-61d42eebad30.gif
- Oh. - You adopted them?
adopted
↓
ade0c70c-169f-43a6-99f2-d7c00ca7a41c.gif
- Yup. In fact, um... - Huh.
fact
↓
02013522-a96f-45dc-843f-302af24d91f8.gif
Hello. Those are your brothers and sisters.
brotherssisters
↓
f1828503-131a-4fbf-8b3d-a5dcf274013d.gif
Your family just got a little bigger today.
biggerfamilytoday
↓
e9c44aa9-7409-45dd-9c22-07c9a3a3dff3.gif
- It sure... It sure did. - You want to know their names?
names
↓
a743fe3d-d7c6-4736-9b6d-1ae15ee6eb04.gif
No. We'll do that later. Because it's... it's hard to remember.
hardremember
↓
557e1002-f138-4e8d-ba8d-2c9d684cfb91.gif
- Okay, thank you very much. - Anything here is yours.
↓
6e123f02-e154-4073-9726-25ce8f0ff810.gif
Anything in my life is yours.
life
↓
77bc3d3d-5201-4c63-adad-6fc622f4b78e.gif
- These are cool speakers. - Yep. They're yours. Take 'em.
coolspeakers
↓
7303632c-2739-4a70-81c9-c020654ef0ec.gif
- No, no. I was kidding. - It was just a joke, I think.
jokekidding
↓
5925ee04-c908-47a2-bbe0-6cab838213ba.gif
But if you want them, just... Uh... Africa.
africa
↓
8e456535-41c5-42fd-b67a-d3382fc312c5.gif
- Yes. Yes, Africa. - Right? Sudan.
africa
↓
4870cac1-095a-45dd-8eb5-da94456bc12b.gif
I went from the Sudan... I was in Darfur.
↓
c57f36b9-c715-41bd-93aa-9adf769eca57.gif
We had a water-purification program there.
programwater
↓
23eedb29-3019-488e-85f4-c43296c7cbc7.gif
So much work to be done there.
↓
c0cd0aad-7924-4799-a7f7-ca618ec0d1be.gif
And then I... I spent a little time in Afghanistan.
afghanistanspent
↓
117038af-7c2c-4427-acfb-6a55d79b6fb1.gif
We were doing a literacy program for women
programwomen
↓
16f6f2b6-62e7-4be9-98c7-904dd381ceb3.gif
who were resisting the Taliban.
resisting
↓
86742417-7dd0-4b2d-86ca-3758a6722a2f.gif
Well, for better or worse, I came back here a couple of years ago.
coupleworseyears
↓
83bc0943-b52e-4c8d-979a-40625dd36649.gif
And I think it was for better, 'cause I'm doing this work,
↓
820ffd19-a275-4515-9b22-9c75699bfb7a.gif
starting some programs for Sacred Cross Hospital,
crosshospitalprogramssacredstarting
↓
51038e01-aca6-4a45-a9bc-f6b7797ef0bd.gif
which I think is very promising. And... My story is boring. I...
boringpromisingstory
↓
ea2ac5b6-e9e6-438a-a6ca-2f34cf83b2ab.gif
What about you? What are your passions?
↓
62e3c1cf-96a2-4aff-863d-fba828b01ba2.gif
You know, what are you doing with your lives?
lives
↓
7de6e44a-3e9c-4456-adad-55c106d108e6.gif
There's been a lot of...
↓
60eef976-bde7-4411-b3f4-e24fe47f6d06.gif
- Oh, so many things we do. - Phases.
↓
e0c837f0-856c-4d91-8429-f42d5b78c05e.gif
- Oh, God. Where do you begin? - Yeah.
begin
↓
461c2b74-3470-4cf0-a5b8-42aaeb337195.gif
- Something like... - I know. I know. It's...
↓
5eeb8fab-d902-4271-9bba-ce9cabe45e17.gif
- A lot of different... - Chapters.
↓
224f4abf-112f-4026-8dab-aa48ee4562d8.gif
- Kinds of... kinds of things. - I want to hear anyth...
kinds
↓
70e952b0-1f26-48ef-bcaf-785a2b8cdcff.gif
- Just tell me chapter one. - A lot of this kind of stuff.
chapterstuff
↓
d77538e7-5f6f-43b5-918f-dfffd564d3ba.gif
- Yeah. - These guys.
↓
2e3e0d38-382c-4826-92fc-8b5b79919b70.gif
- A lot of... - These guys are important to us.
↓
fae34640-ebf0-409a-88f8-59f545dc8aef.gif
I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
applefalltree
↓
e597c920-3f2b-4f19-b7ce-2d5a03ee72fc.gif
Son of a piece of shit!
piece
↓
71dc5d2c-df38-46ea-b1ed-10cf6528fe17.gif
Hey, you gotta relax there, Frank.
frankrelax
↓
f398ba75-3349-4431-8351-2a5710420674.gif
Seriously, bro. You're gonna have another stroke.
anotherstroke
↓
c5580ace-d0ef-4b49-b8b6-d5ad1aeaada0.gif
He won't make me his friend.
friend
↓
7c98beec-cd1d-45e9-b431-e66b039d1621.gif
How am I gonna find him if he won't make me his friend?
friend
↓
08da774a-2023-42e2-a207-726a09ac586a.gif
- Be patient. It's a process. - Yeah, bro. Come on.
patientprocess
↓
ac53d9c7-8119-46b3-8617-34bc9076723e.gif
It's been days. I got no friends.
daysfriends
↓
a809195f-912c-42b2-9e25-ed48fb05edf8.gif
- Stop. You have friends. - I got you. I got this guy Tom.
friends
↓
33bb6575-7c63-49c0-b023-3db5ccf0ff2e.gif
And that crazy woman who claims we had a one-night stand 30 years ago.
claimscrazynightnight-standstandwomanyears
↓
bd22f190-c37e-41df-8b20-33b69eb1353b.gif
Tom doesn't really count though. He kind of, like, comes with it.
comescount
↓
22c939aa-9fc2-4b8a-aec0-d34e7a812959.gif
Screw this! I'm gonna just follow Dennis and Dee around.
dennisfollowscrew
↓
9ac8a01c-7566-4114-84ee-1516c75f6c7d.gif
Sooner or later, they're gonna bump into this bastard.
bastardbumpsooner
↓
0ba54e7b-288a-404e-b04f-6b09f320800a.gif
We're gonna jump him and beat him over the head with a baseball bat!
baseballbeatheadjump
↓
47d383f1-a701-4379-b585-ca970c203a37.gif
Frank, come on. They're gonna see that coming a mile away.
comingfrankmile
↓
48e149e6-a2ea-4b03-973e-6e81e318c947.gif
Man, we need to be more devious, more cunning!
devious
↓
c06f8e12-5140-4c9f-ad6c-4cf2f9758bbb.gif
- Uh, that's not very hard. - That's some weak ass-buster shit.
busterhardweak
↓
6df41a0f-7ddf-429b-8649-a45dd9b942b5.gif
This bastard destroyed my lineage. He must be smashed.
bastarddestroyedmustsmashed
↓
edbd9790-0767-400b-999a-b941e10c1176.gif
We're gonna smash him good, friend. We know people.
friendsmash
↓
d188ade4-c38c-49e5-bd41-3ba2a7085b00.gif
Look, Frank, uh, we know a guy on the inside we can talk to.
frank
↓
eb86fed9-a4fe-4486-82d8-d8235b6d6d4d.gif
He might be willing to help us out with the situation here.
mightsituationwilling
↓
a7372054-4b59-4a50-a3d5-8c4267eb3d62.gif
You guys are fast. I'm proud of you.
fastproud
↓
6c1e739a-ca43-4762-951b-da7bac0c47c1.gif
- Thanks, Dad. - Now, here's how it's gonna work.
thanks
↓
c2f0b41a-7670-42d1-b136-81acd00e1cf3.gif
I'll have a guy meet you in the bathroom in about 10 minutes.
bathroommeetminutes
↓
f1c73dad-583b-4d62-a7c9-4d7861491705.gif
Now he doesn't mind sifting through the feces, so don't hold back.
fecesmind
↓
8a7a1b86-da3b-4115-a816-cf2cdef9df0d.gif
Uh, yeah, here's the thing about that, Dad.
↓
abf4265b-cf3c-4227-b2d0-7f2ff10a42d4.gif
We don't have anything in our butts.
butts
↓
d5dbf137-bc56-47c8-b492-d79ebe05a61b.gif
No. We don't have anything in our butts. We're working on that.
buttsworking
↓
aa21b764-301f-4489-b1d3-2b4bc3306223.gif
- But we're still hard. - Should see how hard we're getting.
hard
↓
6c0b4195-d29d-4139-9677-27278610327f.gif
Oh, we are getting so hard. It's, like... Whew!
hardwhew
↓
16097ee7-a03d-43f7-9ed7-a5e1f022e20d.gif
We actually came by 'cause we need your help.
↓
1c9b893c-dad4-449c-8a21-0e91960ceded.gif
Let me get this straight.
straight
↓
83c32fca-afda-4cd9-8beb-89c48405e4b5.gif
You come to me empty-handed and you want my help?
emptyhanded
↓
65609b2a-607c-460b-8740-62110451d81b.gif
Yeah. And, look, we are really, really sorry about that, Dad.
↓
ad1bdb66-70fc-4fec-a875-73911cb06021.gif
But if you could give us some advice on how to handle a situation,
advicehandlesituation
↓
7c025809-a233-42a2-851d-91da65efaf59.gif
then we promise we will come back with our butts filled.
buttsfilledpromise
↓
72204e88-822f-439b-a0aa-f5ffb80f6e27.gif
Oh, so filled. So filled for you.
filled
↓
b2f7367b-3c74-409b-aa67-7b13f983bb9d.gif
We need to find our friends' father so that we can give him a beating.
beatingfatherfriends
↓
e0773a13-7f50-43ef-9da8-b27eee410a69.gif
Oh, we're gonna kick the crap out of this guy.
kick
↓
2cefb318-6a27-4429-a70f-9fda0eef2925.gif
And check it out. We can't find him.
check
↓
e8c56092-7302-4afb-8b0f-7b99e9c3a038.gif
Right. Why don't you just follow your friends around for a while?
followfriends
↓
d6ba86e3-396e-4f6a-9689-08937a786148.gif
They're bound to contact him at some point.
boundcontactpoint
↓
96cc59ba-8673-409c-b93a-b4b4084ee789.gif
When they do, just jump him.
jump
↓
275e4386-b035-452c-a389-75a169b3b271.gif
Beat him with a baseball bat.
baseballbeat
↓
8c799006-a087-440d-9631-dc90eb668b74.gif
- That's pretty badass. - That could work.
badass
↓
920b5377-94ee-4364-b2db-0522be202be6.gif
Now, you listen to me. Do not come back here...
↓
a32a5a09-b3a4-479c-ad16-041d4bffde6e.gif
... without anything up those asses!
asses
↓
5f33097c-2d63-4ae2-b754-646ffd5f4a76.gif
Okay?
↓
06a45044-a406-4ca7-a956-8c1c1d58dca3.gif
BOTH: Okay.
↓
d5dd5783-87ef-4782-9d23-3ee31e968296.gif
#Save the children
childrensave
↓
c08737f6-7f08-4341-b2d9-ccfd42541b06.gif
#Save the children
childrensave
↓
8d08ad1b-b9fd-47f6-b1a2-75547c9ce509.gif
#Save, save, save, save, Save, save, save, save, save
savesave-savesave-save-save
↓
ed480b75-771d-427b-a4f6-3574ce294d0b.gif
#Save the children Save the children
childrensave
↓
565b8833-a982-4d63-9c68-8e108bf58a9b.gif
#Save the children Save the children
childrensave
↓
f4885c30-2b59-40db-80f4-cb9f06f86a2b.gif
#Save the children#
childrensave
↓
8f95c626-d69b-47a6-bf30-bda6077f5eb9.gif
Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, Philadelphia.
philadelphia
↓
e56f0c13-79be-4895-814b-bdc79664366d.gif
The Juvenile Lupus Association
associationjuvenilelupus
↓
708198d4-f14b-4718-a6de-26f4f6127ad8.gif
thanks you, and the children thank you.
childrenthanks
↓
1a4a3ea5-ba16-4202-a72b-d46f426e178b.gif
- Oh, saving the kids, huh? - Yeah, I guess.
kidssaving
↓
11c5cbab-47d0-4940-854b-9f5a364f54e0.gif
Those little angels, they're the future.
angelsfuture
↓
a68c64f0-51b3-4570-870b-eadee4f71970.gif
That's my dad up there. He put this whole shindig together.
whole
↓
5d37e5ad-6037-4090-8c5a-532a1f4d8c91.gif
- Really? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
↓
bd6313ce-067a-42fc-9aeb-614a0515901f.gif
Well, I mean, I helped, of course.
coursehelped
↓
36748eda-8fd7-4ce8-b387-fc38a2ceb14b.gif
I mean, this whole lupus nightmare has gone on long enough...
gonelupusnightmarewhole
↓
cf5169e7-c32f-4228-a651-a7499d6dbf7a.gif
... you know? - Yeah.
↓
1ad9e424-4ea6-42d3-ab51-8870d091b28c.gif
Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes a father has the privilege
fathergentlemenladiesprivilegesometimes
↓
e52261a0-a0f7-4df7-84c1-31ed76f91f1b.gif
of playing a little music with his daughter.
daughtermusicplaying
↓
4801b615-735e-44fe-996f-84c61e043260.gif
Would you please welcome Deandra Reynolds?
deandradeandra-reynoldsreynoldswelcome
↓
a57659de-74d3-4cce-885d-08d08233f5e5.gif
(indistinct talking)
indistinct
↓
073227d0-2ad5-405e-bc0d-c593bda4c141.gif
BOTH: #I believe the children Are our future#
believechildrenfuture
↓
487daa6c-33e0-41ac-9458-843a95d361b6.gif
Juvenile Lupus Association. What a bunch of bullshit.
associationbullshitbunchjuvenilelupus
↓
5fbec4df-c89f-4524-a368-3c40f0707400.gif
- Mac, I got one question for you. - What?
question
↓
e3ed4f23-cac7-42ce-bf4a-741e2119e1cd.gif
- What's the plan again? - Are you kidding me?
kiddingplan
↓
c92b73e5-02e2-418a-9b61-f6b0d10f0567.gif
I swear, Charlie, you're, like, a retard.
charlieretardswear
↓
ede25f87-3cf4-4d37-95f6-922cb01080de.gif
We're gonna bash him with the bat when he comes out.
bashcomes
↓
d54b4f45-144e-49cb-951d-e1e6a1a46a8b.gif
- You wanna huff some of this glue? - No! Put the glue away!
gluehuff
↓
6fc21ec6-2ff2-4e3c-9fb5-13995b99347f.gif
- Please. Huff a little with me. - All right, fine.
huff
↓
ee45c0ef-22b9-4e7c-b9f0-0b3bcec178bf.gif
- Fine! - We just need to keep an edge.
edge
↓
69e5ee02-a84a-4ccf-ad2d-ae7a8325174f.gif
We got to stay hard, dude, because you can't do it if...
hard
↓
b3ff87e4-582c-41be-923e-ba534fbd74f2.gif
This is Elmer's glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!
charliechristchrist-sakesgluesakes
↓
754704cf-4b43-492c-a008-0f977ea2ffa1.gif
#If I fail If I succeed
failsucceed
↓
972d6a7c-3d15-4bda-9f99-b207061067b3.gif
#At least I live as I believe
believeleastlive
↓
8cf8aac4-1f16-485d-8956-8105da5e8e84.gif
#No matter what They take from me
matter
↓
f9521c40-f7ee-4417-85aa-cf0e5768ce59.gif
#They can't take away My dignity
dignity
↓
ea19010f-df8f-422c-9d67-83acc6a683d3.gif
#Because the greatest#
greatest
↓
1957d8a0-4537-4d63-91d5-526fc87c3568.gif
- Do you have the camera? - Yeah, I got the camera!
camera
↓
9391d934-8472-49e7-85cf-ff53b4ec233f.gif
- I just don't know what it's for! - I'm gonna bash you with this!
bash
↓
6fa9f22b-3c41-46ac-8644-5e43be5d2a0f.gif
When he comes out, I'm gonna smash his face.
comesfacesmash
↓
41733c41-5897-4adf-98d2-c40a6363dec2.gif
You're gonna take a picture. We're gonna show it to my dad...
picture
↓
7f1de05c-99d8-4f72-8590-f670807360ce.gif
- Show it to your dad. - To prove how hard we are!
hardprove
↓
887717da-e3f5-4723-8077-0dd0aece9bc0.gif
#Find your strength
strength
↓
46f8add0-aee8-4b38-afcf-4a1e2471ab92.gif
#In Love#
love
↓
fb55b5d9-f1c9-4b1c-82f1-d92bb048f881.gif
(crowd cheering) Whoo!
cheeringcrowdcrowd-cheeringwhoo
↓
d1bbe28c-dd23-4af8-96b8-1ff4273afa8b.gif
No, dude. We shouldn't do this. I'm backing out.
backing
↓
63fc9e95-ecee-4aae-a0fb-a2f10037f56a.gif
You can't back out. Frank is waiting in the car.
frankwaiting
↓
6ad5ec8f-0cc6-4e67-af6c-2e29567a684d.gif
- He's gonna be pissed. - Let Frank wait in the car.
frankpissed
↓
2c5bdf30-2c76-4d10-b2c4-6a9284c4b95a.gif
We owe this to him. This guy banged Frank's wife.
bangedfrankswife
↓
8999a956-bd90-437d-adae-ab1a2e66a77e.gif
- So did you. - Yeah, but it's different.
↓
734ec4aa-9819-4429-8b57-8ad69a85cc75.gif
- How is that different? - I don't know, Charlie! Focus!
charliefocus
↓
4a9177f2-d754-4805-b62d-88cfdc94f0f7.gif
(gasps) There they are. Just relax, dude.
gaspsrelax
↓
492661af-4395-4862-bbbc-c2c76a2bf17e.gif
He's hugging them. They're hugging him back!
hugging
↓
1731a595-d480-45bd-a7ef-bf1a0c8e09cf.gif
This is crazy. We shouldn't do this.
crazy
↓
65a8d2f9-b0b2-4044-8981-c0ea560e6f01.gif
We should bash all three.
bashthree
↓
e6115226-22d8-4022-991d-c199cdc9dede.gif
This is it. Let's go. You ready? Don't be a pussy.
pussyready
↓
bee487ba-b882-460a-8ebe-afb815429aa2.gif
- Let's go. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
↓
e0b263fe-813d-4a56-b2f4-3e3479ebc2df.gif
Oh. Hi.
↓
0efafb3c-a014-490d-a4d8-0132f8f3fc86.gif
Hi.
↓
ff4449b1-b200-4607-a5b4-1a58829f69ca.gif
- Can I help you? - Can I help you?
↓
685389f3-eca3-428e-ad13-275d91bf5a5f.gif
- Can I help you? - Can I help you?
↓
5f84210f-a0c7-4ae0-ada6-cb9a3ab5a9f6.gif
Uh, okay.
↓
1f3aee6f-ae81-4fd5-ad5c-152fb8f1ed96.gif
Um...
↓
3938d36a-71cd-4596-bcb4-1fc962134e92.gif
It's... It's okay. It's okay.
↓
6fcaaacd-88c7-4856-b77c-a95e1d9737b4.gif
I got it.
↓
6ff4bf0d-b50f-4586-9f2a-0038a513b595.gif
Have a good night.
night
↓
b61b3810-a1bc-4bbf-ad3b-d3f6845a62c1.gif
What the hell was that shit? What did you do?
↓
fd544cd9-3817-4fcc-b95c-c81ed073a071.gif
- I freaked out. - You totally freaked out!
freaked
↓
f4d8d760-c3d9-4f39-aab6-cdffa782b437.gif
- I was gonna hit him. - I took a picture of the guy.
picture
↓
a0c407ef-4146-4ffa-8bdd-7c8288d3e443.gif
- Hey! - What?
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a323b25f-af8c-4c98-857d-a55d3c47406d.gif
- Snap out of it! Okay? - Okay! Yes.
snap
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c86dec6c-d70d-4775-b00a-852d2b637df3.gif
Now we got to think of something to tell Frank.
frank
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86664e82-2e5f-4d29-bc98-d9a731eaeb88.gif
- Hey! Look at me. - Yeah?
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def9ac4b-bb47-4ac6-9c5a-810dff66778a.gif
Ow!
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e5e19ca7-2fb2-4214-acc1-06711f71089b.gif
(breathing deeply)
breathingdeeply
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ab0300fe-69b8-4d75-8299-1890e40192a5.gif
- Let's tell him the truth. - Let's tell him the truth.
truth
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ba1f379f-e5fd-4f86-b2ac-8b212d73ee83.gif
- Blood! There's so much blood! - What happened?
bloodhappened
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0b748d7e-632b-4980-8750-515e485645ac.gif
- We bashed him good! - We bashed him so good!
bashed
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c2f26042-76df-428c-9023-cc6aceeff77c.gif
- We bashed him good! - I think we killed him.
bashedkilled
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cf0e8b4c-f2ec-4fc6-97d9-580e2f6cdb8e.gif
Drive! Drive! Drive!
drivedrive-drive
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2dbb5ced-004e-4d9f-a082-d0da1a97f27a.gif
(tires screeching)
screechingtirestires-screeching
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9c9369bf-9c88-482b-83c9-bcd1ff8a4831.gif
Jesus, children! This isn't exactly what Mommy needs right now.
childrenjesusmommyneeds
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5e446396-9a56-4237-b241-be58b015c155.gif
No. No, no, no. Mom, Bruce is so awesome. He...
awesomebruce
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c78b25af-de93-4228-98c7-531854d0615a.gif
- We had the best time last night. - Bruce is the coolest.
bestbrucecoolestnight
↓
9f0c9aab-6715-4caa-af47-c2e5e4399fb3.gif
We went to this lupus event last night. Lupus is awesome!
awesomeeventlupusnight
↓
e70ae491-f160-4bd5-a351-2f272f51415b.gif
You should give Bruce another chance.
anotheranother-chancebrucechance
↓
bf41b443-ca3e-4fb1-94c2-d099a69765e5.gif
Barbara.
barbara
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684b5e7d-1721-4634-8ae7-faa72f48d5ef.gif
- My God. You still look amazing. - Wow.
amazing
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b8dfbf7e-bcdc-4de5-9d10-ef523d72c990.gif
The years have treated you well.
treatedyears
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96cc036d-33f1-4609-9dfe-9a455c0b3d1d.gif
I would have thought living in poverty
livingpoverty
↓
157d7042-777d-4c8e-ac51-d3736b17d83b.gif
for a quarter of a century would have taken its toll.
centuryquartertakentoll
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7ec0b05b-5eb5-4544-b97a-b8caa2936482.gif
Well, when Father died, I was left with all that money.
diedfatherfather-diedleftmoney
↓
05d12dcb-4fdc-44e7-91b5-7c26bd16bc20.gif
There's only so much you can give away before you finally realize
finallyrealize
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bfd17a11-bcf1-4830-89cc-1a9af8029d1a.gif
t's okay to spend a little on yourself.
spend
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514957a6-eb89-4eea-a301-cd79b60fc358.gif
- On you. - Yeah, on me.
↓
f67fcc89-6e51-4d6f-8575-9e80cc6f0621.gif
Father? Wealthy? I never knew.
fatherwealthy
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a95fd858-d87d-4ef7-a90f-639751fbd0a0.gif
I guess it never came up. So you guys ready?
ready
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fbe65f84-ef73-4844-ac50-dbf51a1d6207.gif
I am! I'm up for anything.
↓
719f6832-66c9-4292-aaf8-047290e40995.gif
Okay. But first things first.
↓
1c405b71-78d2-4197-8427-cb8b58797fb2.gif
- Oh. - Yeah. Let's just put these on.
↓
ec368b71-b41a-471e-9d0a-b30dfb991c70.gif
One for you. One for me.
↓
d3f55191-c218-42b3-8397-f3017da05dbd.gif
Great.
↓
52907d3b-1114-4c34-8c0b-433fa8d603b5.gif
Okay, let's go spread somejoy.
spread
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c8cafb19-8edb-433a-a1b2-9fe49d747c8a.gif
Right. Uh...
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dd88b570-dbe1-471c-94ab-45113e6d33bb.gif
Ooh. Okay. Um, hey.
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8785a846-5357-42f5-ac0a-0074b4b2dd0b.gif
Hey, pal. How... How you feeling?
feeling
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a5ba0fc0-4b82-4140-9fec-84f819733876.gif
It hurts everywhere.
hurts
↓
13d8bf33-3497-4113-883f-ccc0d0af2f65.gif
- Well... - Well, everything's gonna be okay.
everythings
↓
d36357e4-3d21-4481-8b04-04dc3e1ee4a8.gif
- You don't know that, Deandra. - Shut up, Mother.
deandramother
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c22408f5-0b84-47e5-817b-a214f909f83e.gif
I don't think we should be lying to the sick children.
childrenlyingsick
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9b1d846c-809b-4eea-829c-90dd55af3d0c.gif
- I was trying to be encouraging. - What if he doesn't get better?
encouraging
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3e3b4d20-13ff-4cf7-8c11-44b42616e821.gif
- You're gonna look like a fool. - I gotta say I agree with Dee.
agreefool
↓
6b64cc7a-f83c-43d1-a333-662d890559b5.gif
The kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?
differencekids
↓
1a886a91-d4ac-4509-913c-ccdad73df6f3.gif
I can hear you.
↓
966131fe-2112-441c-8b81-78b318c3df6c.gif
Oh, you heard... Well, you know what? Disregard that.
heard
↓
4cc7f734-6edb-46f6-923e-5845e8e202c5.gif
- We weren't even talking about you. - No. No.
↓
57ad5101-16ae-4e5e-b9eb-1a69c7b2673e.gif
We were talking about your sick and dying friend in the next bed.
dyingfriendsick
↓
6012fe80-c4b0-49c9-9d91-9807dbfb3f81.gif
Mother! What are you doing?
mother
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3a61b6f0-a1d2-4c48-ab9a-1691ba259a28.gif
- Nothing! - Oh, my God!
↓
66ea8def-9071-4096-a96a-54abffe55811.gif
You can't steal the children's medication.
childrensmedicationsteal
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da3320dd-662f-4f74-8cf2-61887edf6e68.gif
I'm not.
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e155c0ac-d4c6-4509-82a0-b6e66ecbd2a0.gif
- Let me see in your purse! Openit. - Don't be ridiculous!
purseridiculous
↓
d05725a7-a655-4a2c-9a69-9dff3784c7ae.gif
- Really? - Everything okay over here?
↓
9a464cdd-287c-4a91-8149-0d9b9e19f697.gif
- Yes. - A slight glitch here.
glitchslight
↓
298d1a46-24c7-4787-89eb-13af8efca450.gif
- This is kind of bumming me out. - Yeah, this is not fun.
fun
↓
c7cf78b0-dd39-43f3-8914-3b508768838c.gif
Yes. I'm not exactly sure what it is we're trying to prove.
prove
↓
dee04c13-4b3a-4ff5-abfd-7ba37505f409.gif
We're not trying to prove anything. We're just helping the kids.
helpingkidsprove
↓
24599610-ace1-40b4-baa9-ce5575de440c.gif
- Who are we really helping? - Yeah?
helping
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16415542-292a-410e-b2bf-f1a067a561af.gif
I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
↓
e6bf5c1b-8654-4c65-a24f-cb3880c00595.gif
Well, listen, it's one thing to rock out, raise some cash.
cashraiserock
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c3c4dacb-349c-4e62-b4a4-61bce58559c6.gif
But it's a totally different thing to put our lives at risk.
livesrisk
↓
816a7349-1c7a-45c4-a8b7-26b3f4721eea.gif
Oh, yeah. I mean, there's all these diseases floating around in here.
diseasesfloating
↓
18591f29-72ce-47d4-9f28-f2ebd2213634.gif
Yes. I mean, how can we help anyone if we're all getting sick?
sick
↓
57427a31-3ccf-4b71-9880-0e45b8b02868.gif
- I mean, use your head. - Plus, it's freezing in here.
freezingheadplus
↓
e6d7c0fc-6c38-4b6e-a005-d8f82d110a22.gif
You think you could talk to somebody about cranking the heat up a little?
crankingheatsomebody
↓
1374a041-dc00-4028-9957-d0d99bb9a485.gif
- This isn't good for us. - You're not serious?
serious
↓
1ff6aecd-a981-468b-91fc-f92f007b9775.gif
I don't think it's a lot to ask to have them turn the temperature up.
temperature
↓
03ee1870-2ce8-471c-aab7-bd8fb881cdbc.gif
It's easy. You just push a button or, like, crank a thing over.
buttoncrankeasypush
↓
299fe4ef-2938-4824-979a-c8d3bbaa1f19.gif
- Are you guys getting hungry? - Oh, yes.
hungry
↓
c06b00e2-419a-4e2b-af27-de8b40ac000e.gif
- I am starving. - Yeah, I could eat.
starving
↓
e7fd6895-1bc0-4da7-aff7-ecac741c9d1a.gif
- Is there a cafeteria in here? - No, come on. Gross.
cafeteriagross
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70e660c8-3aed-48ac-955d-cb4022c848f0.gif
- I'm not eating in a hospital. - That's a good point.
eatinghospitalpoint
↓
678b9f1d-c3d6-4246-a23e-515543376c4f.gif
Brucie, do you know a nice restaurant in the area?
arearestaurant
↓
891f31b0-f539-4d18-9cdf-378a34547062.gif
I'm gonna want those noses back.
noses
↓
dbc85b6e-deae-4755-9143-d53e39e31f97.gif
Please. Give it a rest with that martyr nonsense.
martyrnonsenserest
↓
e862c212-d39d-411a-8a5b-fb8d03cdf37f.gif
Yeah. Who is he? Patch Adams?
adamspatch
↓
a4d02e3d-cb8a-490e-9718-f4db24aa1701.gif
You know who never acts like he cares about kids?
actscareskids
↓
49f6f68e-d60c-4c74-99ff-54407540562e.gif
- Dad. - Dad.
↓
85575863-42fa-4b21-88b3-90dfd5787f5f.gif
All right, buddy. Baking soda, lube, balloons.
bakingballoonsbuddylubesoda
↓
cce0430b-8c73-4cc8-b10d-fc8142045ed8.gif
This is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna jam this into your rectum.
↓
1bd4cfd5-fe6f-4390-916c-711d8a6a7872.gif
And then, woo! Like that, it's gonna expand in your colon, okay?
colonexpand
↓
02ae9b4b-9463-417a-a1f1-962ac56fdefc.gif
- It's gonna be that big? - Absolutely. Drop those pants.
absolutelydroppants
↓
334eec71-bccf-4bfa-97cd-e68851b3b5bc.gif
Hey, guys. What do you think?
↓
83dfbc5b-9942-4d4c-957e-8c370dddb33c.gif
That's a good look. That's a good look for you. Where're you headed?
headed
↓
56d26722-efa8-4da8-99bc-4f1bd8c2295e.gif
I tell you what, I feel like a hundred dollars.
dollarshundredhundred-dollars
↓
b5fbf372-8bcb-4227-9963-d9e3ae20142f.gif
Ever since you guys beat that guy up, I got to thinking.
beatthinking
↓
ea692d7f-9c36-4cce-b0eb-0a1445c1f6d3.gif
Hey, what am I gonna do? Huh?
↓
3b676c36-91b6-4cb5-9fa9-66949b6d4a7c.gif
Dive into some kind of depression over this? No.
depressiondive
↓
f0196a64-36c6-4964-8bf6-13734e9f5ff7.gif
I'm gonna jump right back on the horse.
horsejump
↓
4d973169-b0e6-4a02-b6c1-81b865e6b757.gif
So I contacted that woman on MySpace
contactedmyspacewoman
↓
f3e09da8-9139-4bd2-a101-6e26acd168ef.gif
who claimed that we had a one-night stand.
claimednightnight-standstand
↓
65b25151-56b7-4d8e-a10b-eb404dd447ab.gif
Turns out she's single and ready to go.
readysingleturns
↓
b72efb1f-423f-4bc5-9789-30b68a015977.gif
- Give me some skin. - Good work.
skin
↓
25f8607d-103b-4cec-9396-55e1117b67d2.gif
(knocking on door) There you go, Frankie!
doorfrankieknocking
↓
1e9c51f3-e0e0-44b1-b2b7-27a67fc031e2.gif
- Might be her. Mac, get the door. - Let me clean this up.
cleandoormight
↓
07a62872-781e-4b47-badd-1195bf07f511.gif
- Hide that balloon. - That's gonna kill your date.
balloondatehidekill
↓
29b8093e-16a1-49de-a5cc-e77f4dd30e78.gif
- Where's my dad? - So he's your dad now...
↓
ba9e190f-da51-4eb7-9a90-cf3a2c1c6426.gif
- Get out of the way. - Daddy.
daddy
↓
6a41f3fa-40f5-4bbb-8988-7c58a3249e09.gif
Don't Daddy me.
daddy
↓
befe7635-0600-4f5a-b24a-30346377f2ea.gif
You blew your chances with this daddy. You're dead to me.
blewchancesdaddydead
↓
41ed93b0-7aec-47fa-8a80-3923327b7f84.gif
- No. Just listen for a second here. - No. No.
second
↓
221d685e-5734-4791-a412-36af6b62ea60.gif
We've had a change of heart. We've decided to forgive you
changedecidedforgiveheart
↓
ae616293-90d9-42ed-bd88-acb7b5240d16.gif
and to allow you to be our father again.
allowfather
↓
f0303581-4b5e-4fa8-9e18-175f63c0cadd.gif
I'm not into being your dad anymore. Don't want to be your dad.
anymore
↓
8973d383-90e5-4f14-b482-a688d432de6a.gif
- Kinda giving you a second chance. - Daddy, yeah.
chancedaddygivingkindasecondsecond-chance
↓
84c97fee-e653-4fcb-a85b-cb5f0d22a257.gif
- No. I'm over it. - You can't be over it.
↓
9d7ef37a-b7ed-49d3-8c43-6b3fa47e6963.gif
- No, no, no. - I'm over it.
↓
72c89e52-508e-4952-8444-0dcc8e5a08f7.gif
- He can be over it. - Shut up! What is with you two?
↓
077d23c0-4ef9-4643-8192-056b9e942a68.gif
- I am over over over it! - You're not allowed to be over it!
allowed
↓
6c5d5c83-2afc-45b2-8a14-d6fa64ee238d.gif
(knocking on door) DEE: Don't yell at me!
doorknockingyell
↓
fa020104-66d6-48ce-9b47-0eada0f3a412.gif
- Charlie? - Hey, Mom.
charlie
↓
45b09948-8ee1-46cb-87f9-41e037b15f1c.gif
What... What are you doing here?
↓
cd73bc24-8bcc-4632-9808-27f67b7f6a39.gif
- I'm confused. Do you live here? - Yeah.
confusedlive
↓
e0ec789a-87a7-475a-87ce-e1afbbee8999.gif
- Bonnie? - Frank!
bonniefrank
↓
b3dbd15b-4d10-40eb-93f1-f36306e6dbf0.gif
How do you guys know each other?
↓
44651765-90f6-44ff-87c2-5eadc5b37b77.gif
- This is my date. - Whoa! Wait a second.
datesecondwhoa
↓
ed8ac725-3d97-4a51-a1cb-7f216155e8ac.gif
I thought you were going on a date
date
↓
0948df7f-84fb-47ea-be95-7ee0aac97a79.gif
with a woman you had a one-night stand with 30 years ago.
nightnight-standstandwomanyears
↓
e1e78980-2c6c-4b24-a131-11e3503eabd9.gif
- Yeah. - Yeah.
↓
6dfd745c-5c42-4d82-b1fb-53ceecd13b26.gif
So if you guys had a one-night stand 30 years ago, and I don't...
nightnight-standstandyears
↓
9b52b394-ca29-4dc2-b238-3499bf8fa4ef.gif
You know, I don't know who my... father...
father
↓
d261f971-ba90-4ead-baa0-af0731c1c19f.gif
You could be my...
↓
cc831a74-01a8-4644-ae42-936eda4c068c.gif
Dad?