Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E01 — The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 1 — The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

DENNIS: Mac, you gotta see this movie, dude.

#1

⇓

DEE: Really? I thought it was boring.

#2

⇓

Boring? It's about the end of the world, Dee.

#3

⇓

"Inconvenient Truth" is not about the end of the world.

#4

⇓

It is about how if we don't stop global warming,

#5

⇓

we are going to destroy this environment.

#6

⇓

- It sounds cool. I'll check it out. - It is. It's awesome.

#7

⇓

Dude, come on. What the hell is that?

#8

⇓

- What? - Are you kidding me?

#9

⇓

- What is the big deal, Dennis? - What's the big deal? Are you nuts?

#10

⇓

It's like you see a movie, and now you're crazy about the environment.

#11

⇓

I'm sorry, Dee. Maybe I'd actually like to do some good in this world.

#12

⇓

Maybe I'd like to make a difference.

#13

⇓

- You wanna do good? - You can't do good.

#14

⇓

I can do good. I am capable of doing good.

#15

⇓

You just screw people over for your own benefit.

#16

⇓

You guys are gonna be so angry when you look back and you see

#17

⇓

that the world looks at Dennis Reynolds and says,

#18

⇓

"Dennis, you are a good person. You are making a di..."

#19

⇓

- Holy shit. - What?

#20

⇓

There's a baby in this Dumpster.

#21

⇓

MAC: What the hell is it doing? - We gotta call somebody.

#22

⇓

Who? The police? The mother? I mean, think, Dee.

#23

⇓

Somebody put this baby in the trash. We can't put it back in the system.

#24

⇓

- It is a terrible system. - It's a horrible system.

#25

⇓

It's a throwaway culture, everyone's just lookin' for the easy way out.

#26

⇓

You don't wanna carry your Big Gulp anymore? Throw it in the street.

#27

⇓

Don't wanna take care of your baby? Throw it in a Dumpster.

#28

⇓

I just can't take it.

#29

⇓

- Charlie, you're harpin' on it. - Well, I'm sorry.

#30

⇓

I'd like to know whether or not I share a bed with my father.

#31

⇓

I'm tellin' you, I am not your father.

#32

⇓

- Then take a stupid blood test. - I'm not takin' no blood test.

#33

⇓

Look, I've had enough of this. I'm not even gonna talk...

#34

⇓

- What the hell is that? - It's a baby we found in the trash.

#35

⇓

Put it back, it doesn't belong to you.

#36

⇓

- We're not gonna put it back. - Well, give it to the cops.

#37

⇓

Get it outta here. It's bad for business.

#38

⇓

That's great, Frank. Pass the buck. Everybody passin' the buck.

#39

⇓

We have to take responsibility for the refuse we're creating.

#40

⇓

Oh, my God, dude. Are you still harpin' on that stupid

#41

⇓

global heating movie you saw? - "Global warming," Charlie.

#42

⇓

Yeah, right. Like the earth is magically getting hotter.

#43

⇓

Stop! Clearly this is not the right environment for a child.

#44

⇓

I'll take care of the Dumpster baby until we figure out what to do.

#45

⇓

- Dee, you're helping me. - What? No, I'm not.

#46

⇓

You see what's happening here? Do you see this?

#47

⇓

Family values in this country are going down the toilet,

#48

⇓

and it's because of people like you. Men and women

#49

⇓

raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old.

#50

⇓

There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right?

#51

⇓

Otherwise, the kid winds up roaming the streets,

#52

⇓

having unprotected sex with multiple partners,

#53

⇓

sharing needles and contracting the H.I.V. virus, and it's your fault.

#54

⇓

Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted?

#55

⇓

You just gave this baby full-blown AIDS.

#56

⇓

What the hell are these scrubs doing, dude?

#57

⇓

They're activists, Charlie. They're sifting through the trash

#58

⇓

looking for recyclable materials. - Recycling. What a waste.

#59

⇓

Frank, we are trying to make a difference.

#60

⇓

You see? He has no problem not callin' me "Dad".

#61

⇓

Uh, hey, man. Where can I get one of those recycle bags?

#62

⇓

- Get lost, narc. - Excuse me?

#63

⇓

What we're doing is completely legal.

#64

⇓

Why don't you just leave us alone?

#65

⇓

Oh. No, I'm not a cop, man. I just wanna help out.

#66

⇓

(chuckles) Sure you do. I saw you pull up in that Range Rover.

#67

⇓

- Is everything okay, Sage? - Everything's fine. I was just...

#68

⇓

... explaining to your friend that I want to help you guys out.

#69

⇓

Listen, bro. I know your type.

#70

⇓

Straight-edge, mainline weekend warrior

#71

⇓

comin' down here in your cashmere sweater

#72

⇓

with your moussed-up, hair-sprayed coif.

#73

⇓

This isn't just a hobby for us.

#74

⇓

So why don't you take your phony, suburban, half-assed bullshit...

#75

⇓

... someplace else?

#76

⇓

I'll take that, hippie.

#77

⇓

Hey, Frank! Frank! Fr-Frank!

#78

⇓

(shrieks, ululating) Ha-ha!

#79

⇓

(battle cries)

#80

⇓

Dude, do you believe this thing, man? It's a...

#81

⇓

(grunts, spits)

#82

⇓

Charlie, Charlie, get down. (yells)

#83

⇓

Dude, it's amazing! Look at this.

#84

⇓

Bro, you can chop a camel right in the hump

#85

⇓

and drink all its milk right off the tip of this thing.

#86

⇓

- That is a find, man! - This is an Ali Baba sword, dude.

#87

⇓

Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here.

#88

⇓

- Dennis. Look at this. - I don't care about that, alright?

#89

⇓

You guys are makin' me look like an asshole.

#90

⇓

I'm out here tryin' to make a difference,

#91

⇓

and you're here rummagin' around the trash like a couple of narcs.

#92

⇓

You can't just come down here with your mainline,

#93

⇓

cashmere, mousse-coif hair spray

#94

⇓

and start bein' like a suburban tool, you can't...

#95

⇓

- Are you okay? - Did you even look at this?

#96

⇓

I don't know. I think I just got punked out by a couple of hippies.

#97

⇓

I gotta do somethin' about this.

#98

⇓

(door closes) Goddamn, this Dumpster baby's heavy.

#99

⇓

No, it's good for your back.

#100

⇓

So we got the diapers and the wipes and the powder.

#101

⇓

Shit, this raisin' babies is easy, huh?

#102

⇓

I think, first things first, the baby smells like trash, right?

#103

⇓

Throw it in the bath. (crying)

#104

⇓

- Already with this? - I didn't do it.

#105

⇓

I come home to a crying baby?

#106

⇓

- No, I didn't do anything. - Jesus Christ.

#107

⇓

I'm gonna kick back, grab a beer and watch the Sixers, all right?

#108

⇓

You're not gonna help? You wanted me to do this with you.

#109

⇓

Would it kill you to go shopping once in a while? We're outta beer.

#110

⇓

Oh, we are? No, we're not out of anything, Mac.

#111

⇓

- You don't live here. - Wait! One left. Nice.

#112

⇓

(quietly) - Great. - If we'll raise this baby together,

#113

⇓

t's important we at least try to make it work.

#114

⇓

When you're done with the bath, why don't you go get some beer,

#115

⇓

and, um, a pack of smokes would be good.

#116

⇓

We're not gonna raise anything together. You know why?

#117

⇓

I said I would help you hang on to this Dumpster baby

#118

⇓

for a couple of days until we figure what to do with it.

#119

⇓

Really? You're gonna raise your voice to me right now?

#120

⇓

- I'm not raising my voice. - I want a rational conversation.

#121

⇓

I feel like you're berating me for absolutely no reason. You know what?

#122

⇓

For the sake of the baby, we need some space.

#123

⇓

I'm gonna go with the guys, blow off steam.

#124

⇓

You're just gonna dump this thing on me and leave?

#125

⇓

You gonna guilt me into staying? Okay, I guess I have to stay.

#126

⇓

For the sake of Dumpster Baby. But I will tell you what.

#127

⇓

I'm not gonna stand here and be berated. I'm going to bed.

#128

⇓

(whispering) - My God, I can't... - Charlie?

#129

⇓

Would you just please lay there and go to sleep?

#130

⇓

I can't sleep. It's impossible. My mind's goin' a mile a minute.

#131

⇓

Well, stop thinkin' about it. I'm not your father. Go to sleep.

#132

⇓

It's not that. I'm thinkin' about something completely different.

#133

⇓

- It's the trash, isn't it? - It's the sweet, sweet trash.

#134

⇓

I mean, man, we found some amazing shit out there today.

#135

⇓

The kind of shit I didn't think you could find in the trash, you know?

#136

⇓

I'm just goin' nuts thinkin' about what else is out there.

#137

⇓

Frank, there's ordinary guys just like you and me

#138

⇓

goin' through everyone else's trash. People don't appreciate their trash.

#139

⇓

Let's go get the flashlights.

#140

⇓

So I scale this tree. This is a big tree too, right?

#141

⇓

I get to the top of it. I find the nest.

#142

⇓

This is baby bluebirds. They're starving to death.

#143

⇓

So I regurgitate my lunch, and I nourish the entire flock.

#144

⇓

Well, well, well. Check it out, babe.

#145

⇓

- The narc is back. - Mmm.

#146

⇓

Hey, uh, Sage, I thought about what you said.

#147

⇓

I think you were right, man. I was half-assing it.

#148

⇓

But I'm not gonna half-ass it anymore.

#149

⇓

I'm gonna devote myself completely to the cause.

#150

⇓

Look, bro. Just 'cause you come in here with your Birkenstocks

#151

⇓

and your Phish T-shirt doesn't mean you're devoted.

#152

⇓

(scoffs) Means you're a total poser.

#153

⇓

Wow. Um...

#154

⇓

Well, you know what, man? I'm just gonna go then, I guess.

#155

⇓

You know, I'll take my Birkenstocks and my Phish T-shirt and my...

#156

⇓

- Kind bud with me. - What?

#157

⇓

GIRL: Did you just say you had kind bud?

#158

⇓

Kind bu... Yeah. I mean, you know, I just have, like, this much.

#159

⇓

Hey, and look at this. It's a little ray gun.

#160

⇓

Oh, that's nice, man. Look at this thing right here, dude.

#161

⇓

Put this in a plastic bag and, boom, shower radio, buddy.

#162

⇓

- Unbelievable. We're on a roll. - Look at this.

#163

⇓

We wrap stuff in this. Look. We can wrap it all up.

#164

⇓

Electrics. Electrics! (crashes)

#165

⇓

- Whoa! A sneaker. - What size?

#166

⇓

- Fourteen. - Throw it in the pile, baby.

#167

⇓

(crashes) Crash in the pile. Ah, Charlie, isn't this great?

#168

⇓

We go right to the source! Forget about the dump.

#169

⇓

Yeah. Screw the dump, man. It's right in your backyard.

#170

⇓

- This is it. What's that? - It's another coat, man.

#171

⇓

- Ooh, can I have it? - No.

#172

⇓

- Well, you already got one. - Frank, use your head.

#173

⇓

This is the coat that's gonna protect my other coat. Come on, man.

#174

⇓

- When you're right, you're right. - Yeah, baby. You'll find one.

#175

⇓

If you keep diggin', you're gonna find one of these. (laughs)

#176

⇓

- Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me. - Huh? Oh, hello.

#177

⇓

Look who it is, huh? The girl who ruined my life

#178

⇓

by fallin' in love with my best friend and havin' sex with this guy.

#179

⇓

- How you doin'? - Gross. And "gross" to you.

#180

⇓

You know what? I don't know what you're doing. I don't want to know.

#181

⇓

Go and do it in somebody else's Dumpster, okay?

#182

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

#183

⇓

- What do you got in those? - Coffee cups and food scraps.

#184

⇓

- Yeah, we'll take 'em. - Hand 'em over.

#185

⇓

- I don't know why it's cranky. - Well, maybe he's hungry.

#186

⇓

- Your thoughts on nursing it? - I haven't slept in three days.

#187

⇓

I don't have thoughts anymore.

#188

⇓

You know, raising a child is not nearly as fun as I thought it'd be.

#189

⇓

Well, what if we put it back where we found it?

#190

⇓

Oh, my God, that is the cutest little baby I've ever seen.

#191

⇓

- What's his name? - Uh, his name is...

#192

⇓

- D... B. - D. B.

#193

⇓

Oh, he could be a Gerber Baby. He could be in commercials.

#194

⇓

- I have an idea. - I'm three steps ahead of ya.

#195

⇓

We need to make Dumpster Baby a star.

#196

⇓

It's what I'm talkin' about. We can't put it into a corrupt system.

#197

⇓

We have an opportunity to give it a real future here.

#198

⇓

- By making it a star. - Who live better than child stars?

#199

⇓

- Nobody. - Nobody. Rich, famous...

#200

⇓

- They have it all. - The happiest people on earth.

#201

⇓

D.B., my main man, you got tossed into the right Dumpster.

#202

⇓

Brenda, I'm not gonna waste any more of your time than I have to.

#203

⇓

We've got meetings with agents all over town.

#204

⇓

- Can you make D.B. a star? - Well, I'm sorry to say,

#205

⇓

but in today's commercial world, there's just no room

#206

⇓

for another white baby actor. There's an influx already.

#207

⇓

- White babies don't sell. - They're not selling right now.

#208

⇓

Question: Who is selling, Brenda?

#209

⇓

The Latino market is the fastest growing demographic in the country.

#210

⇓

- Great. So Mexicans are selling. - Oh, well, D.B. can play Mexican.

#211

⇓

D.B. could definitely be a Mexican. We get him some pistols.

#212

⇓

He fires 'em off like crazy. Do the jumpin' thing.

#213

⇓

- He does the Mexican Jumpin' Bean. - Ayayay! (scatting mariachi song)

#214

⇓

- With a little thing with chips. - He could sell chips.

#215

⇓

And he can dip the chips into the nacho cheese.

#216

⇓

It's hilarious. For all we know, he is Mexican.

#217

⇓

- 'Cause here's the thing. - Oh, we've got... Ooh, I...

#218

⇓

I can't really get into the specifics of the whole thing,

#219

⇓

but we've got no idea who D.B.'s dad is.

#220

⇓

We don't know who the dad is. It isn't me.

#221

⇓

I'm sorry, but your son just does not look Latino.

#222

⇓

Oh. Well, I mean, that...

#223

⇓

- That's a bit of a disappointment. - That makes me sad.

#224

⇓

Because we're truly tryin' to give him a... future.

#225

⇓

Is there anything that we can do?

#226

⇓

Well, not unless you can change the color of this baby's skin.

#227

⇓

Let me get this straight. You wanna put your baby into a tanning bed.

#228

⇓

- That's correct. - I'm sorry. That's against the law.

#229

⇓

Look, we're well aware of the law. We don't wanna jam you up here.

#230

⇓

We just wanna put him in there for a couple of minutes.

#231

⇓

- Just to get a base. - Just to get a base.

#232

⇓

We'll sign whatever waivers.

#233

⇓

Cook him a couple of minutes, and we'll be out of your hair.

#234

⇓

I am feeling compelled to call the authorities.

#235

⇓

Are you? Then why don't we take our business elsewhere?

#236

⇓

I sense some judgment in your voice, sir, and I don't appreciate it.

#237

⇓

You could have helped change this child's life forever.

#238

⇓

- You chose not to. That's on you. - I can live with that.

#239

⇓

Come on, D.B. I guess the road to stardom

#240

⇓

s paved with hard knocks and orange assholes.

#241

⇓

(protestors chanting) #Trees are people too, save this tree#

#242

⇓

These developer pigs are gonna tear down this tree.

#243

⇓

So tonight we will hold a candlelight vigil in protest.

#244

⇓

Sage, Asriel, can we commune for a moment?

#245

⇓

- Yeah. What's up? - Well, listen.

#246

⇓

I don't want to be putting out any negative vibrations,

#247

⇓

but I think we're going about this the wrong way.

#248

⇓

- Thanks, but, uh, we got it. - Why don't we hear him out, Sage?

#249

⇓

Thanks, Asriel. Listen.

#250

⇓

While I think lighting a couple of candles and singin' a few sweet jams

#251

⇓

sounds like a really good time, it's not gonna stop a bulldozer.

#252

⇓

Somebody needs to step up and be a hero here.

#253

⇓

So I'm thinkin', I would chain myself to that tree.

#254

⇓

That way, if they wanna kill that tree, they gotta kill me first.

#255

⇓

That is so brave of you, Dennis.

#256

⇓

- Is it? - Wait.

#257

⇓

If anyone is gonna chain themselves to anything, it's gonna be me.

#258

⇓

- But it was Dennis's idea. - No, wait, Asriel. He's right.

#259

⇓

- Maybe it should be him. - Right. I'm the one in charge here.

#260

⇓

- Right. You're the one in charge. - Right.

#261

⇓

- Mountain, go get some chains. - Wait. Hold off on that, Mountain.

#262

⇓

I brought some.

#263

⇓

- Charlie, we gotta stop. - No. Two more stops, Frank.

#264

⇓

- Let's keep it moving. - Let's drop it off at base camp.

#265

⇓

No. No base camp. We gotta keep movin', Frank.

#266

⇓

- Ho! Do not lose that. - It's just a bottle.

#267

⇓

All right, I think we gotta stop. We gotta stop at the apartment.

#268

⇓

- No, there's no time for that, man! - We gotta drop some stuff off.

#269

⇓

- Fine. We'll make it quick. - All right.

#270

⇓

(clattering) Charlie, maybe we should get rid of some of this shit.

#271

⇓

- What? (mutters) - Yeah.

#272

⇓

- What'd you say, get rid of it? - Yeah.

#273

⇓

- Frank, look at this. Huh? - Yeah.

#274

⇓

- This... This... Look at that, bro! - Yeah. Yeah.

#275

⇓

This here's our future, man. People are just throwin' this away.

#276

⇓

Get rid of it, dude? Frank, we start gettin' rid of this,

#277

⇓

we're gonna be just like the wasters out there.

#278

⇓

Hey, guess what. Somebody else is gonna find it.

#279

⇓

Ah, you're right, you're right, you're right.

#280

⇓

Well, where are we gonna sleep?

#281

⇓

(sirens wailing in distance)

#282

⇓

(thunder rumbling) You sure you still wanna do this?

#283

⇓

Mountain, this is what it's all about.

#284

⇓

Me and my girl side-by-side, savin' a life,

#285

⇓

bringin' in the dawn together. I mean, come on!

#286

⇓

- Looks like it's gonna rain. - It does look like it's gonna rain.

#287

⇓

- Have you seen Asriel? - No.

#288

⇓

Wonder where she is.

#289

⇓

(thunderclap) #Riders on the storm#

#290

⇓

Tonight we cross the plane of reality

#291

⇓

nto the dimension of no place or time.

#292

⇓

Open your mouth.

#293

⇓

Become the journey.

#294

⇓

#Like a dog without a bone#

#295

⇓

What are we doin', man? It's pourin' rain out here!

#296

⇓

We're actin' like animals.

#297

⇓

- We gotta stick together, Frank. - Yeah, let's stick together.

#298

⇓

- Let's use our heads. - What are we gonna do?

#299

⇓

- We gotta get outta this rain. - Yeah. Where are we gonna go?

#300

⇓

We could get in that Dumpster.

#301

⇓

I'm not above that. Let's go.

#302

⇓

(screaming, drawn out) Asriel!

#303

⇓

Where are you?

#304

⇓

(both moan)

#305

⇓

(moaning continues)

#306

⇓

Can you give me a bite of that? I'm starvin'.

#307

⇓

Charlie, I'm really sorry that I banged your girlfriend.

#308

⇓

Bro, you gotta stop talkin' about that, dude.

#309

⇓

I'm also sorry that I didn't get the blood test. But I know.

#310

⇓

I'm a hundred percent positive that I am not your dad.

#311

⇓

Dude, how can you be a hundred percent positive, dude?

#312

⇓

(sighs) Your mother and I were gonna keep this a secret, but...

#313

⇓

After we made love, she did get pregnant,

#314

⇓

but she had an abortion.

#315

⇓

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

#316

⇓

You sure she went through with it? 'Cause maybe she didn't tell you.

#317

⇓

I mean, she probably went right from the clinic

#318

⇓

and banged some guy and got knocked up,

#319

⇓

because your mother was a giant whore.

#320

⇓

You know what, dude? I don't believe you, Frank.

#321

⇓

- It's hard to take. - Oh, my God. You're a liar.

#322

⇓

#Girl, you gotta love your man#

#323

⇓

- Where are you goin', Charlie? - To find out the truth!

#324

⇓

Charlie!

#325

⇓

#Make him understand

#326

⇓

#Yeah#

#327

⇓

(sobs)

#328

⇓

- Frank doesn't know the truth. - I knew it.

#329

⇓

You didn't have an abortion, you just told him you did.

#330

⇓

- I get that. - No.

#331

⇓

I had an abortion. It just didn't take.

#332

⇓

- Wha... What does that mean? - It means, you survived it.

#333

⇓

- You survived the abortion. - What the hell?

#334

⇓

What the hell are you talking about, Mom?

#335

⇓

We went to one of those clinics, one of those underground clinics,

#336

⇓

because Frank didn't want to spend a lot of money.

#337

⇓

I had the procedure, and then they told me you were dead.

#338

⇓

Okay.

#339

⇓

Three months later, you popped out, happy as a clam! (chuckles)

#340

⇓

Sweetie, I had to keep it a secret from Frank.

#341

⇓

I never wanted the abortion in the first place.

#342

⇓

But he was married, and I knew, if he found out,

#343

⇓

he would have forced me to get rid of you once and for all.

#344

⇓

He would have made me throw you in a Dumpster.

#345

⇓

(thunderclap)

#346

⇓

(slowly) Oh, my... God.

#347

⇓

(thunderclap)

#348

⇓

MAC: Nope. His skin needs to be darker, Dee.

#349

⇓

Yeah, I know. We're just gonna paint this bronzing lotion on him.

#350

⇓

- Shoe polish. - Shoe polish?

#351

⇓

Shoe polish on a baby?

#352

⇓

You're such an idiot. That's gonna look stupid.

#353

⇓

- And smell like shit. - We'll see.

#354

⇓

- Where's D.B.? - My door's open!

#355

⇓

- Did he get kidnapped? - Somebody came in and took him?

#356

⇓

There's a note. There's a note!

#357

⇓

"'Taked' baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime."

#358

⇓

(together) Charlie.

#359

⇓

Feast your eyes on this!

#360

⇓

Oh, my God, Charlie. Where did you get a baby?

#361

⇓

I think you know good and well where I got this baby, don't you?

#362

⇓

- What are you talking about? - I'm talkin' about you and Frank

#363

⇓

throwin' your love child here in the Dumpster behind Paddy's Pub!

#364

⇓

Did you think I wouldn't find out? Well, I did. Yeah. Yeah!

#365

⇓

What you might not know, though, is that this little baby of yours

#366

⇓

also happens to be my half-brother.

#367

⇓

Charlie, the incident with Frank happened three months ago.

#368

⇓

It takes nine months to make a baby.

#369

⇓

You can just give me the baby and stop screaming.

#370

⇓

There was a time where I would've helped you

#371

⇓

raise this little Dumpster baby brother of mine like a son.

#372

⇓

But that's gone now, 'cause you ruined it!

#373

⇓

You threw your babies away! And you threw your swords away!

#374

⇓

You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats!

#375

⇓

And you know what? I found them. And I'm gonna raise all of 'em!

#376

⇓

Get me the number for Child Services.

#377

⇓

Hey, Sage, buddy. How are you, man?

#378

⇓

- How are you feelin'? - I did it. I-I saved the tree.

#379

⇓

You sure did, man. You saved that tree. Wow.

#380

⇓

I gotta say, man, I'm really impressed.

#381

⇓

I don't think I could've done what you did here today.

#382

⇓

- Guh, I'm a hero. - You are. You're a hero.

#383

⇓

Come here. Come here. Come with me.

#384

⇓

Man, it is a good day to be alive. A good day to be alive, isn't it?

#385

⇓

Okay, guys. She's all yours.

#386

⇓

You might wanna see this.

#387

⇓

(horn honks)

#388

⇓

(crashing, splintering)

#389

⇓

I banged your girlfriend.

#390

⇓

What time did he say he was gonna meet us?

#391

⇓

"Later bar, night or day sometime."

#392

⇓

- What does that mean? - I don't know.

#393

⇓

Hey, any of you guys seen that Ali Baba sword Charlie had?

#394

⇓

- What? - The little shit

#395

⇓

dumped me in a Dumpster last night, and I'm takin' all his stuff.

#396

⇓

It's every man for himself. I gotta find that Ali Baba sword.

#397

⇓

Pour me a shot there, Dee. I am the man.

#398

⇓

Why are you so chipper?

#399

⇓

Well, I got punked out by this peace activist.

#400

⇓

So what I did is, I infiltrated his organization.

#401

⇓

- I banged his girlfriend... - Hey, Frank!

#402

⇓

You recognize this young man right here?

#403

⇓

Or should I say, "Hey, Dad"? Yeah. That's right, everybody.

#404

⇓

Who would like to hear a mind-blowing story?

#405

⇓

Nobody. Give us back our baby so we can paint it.

#406

⇓

Oh, you're gonna paint it, huh? Well, be careful painting it,

#407

⇓

'cause you'll be painting my brother.

#408

⇓

But I guess you already knew that, didn't you, Dad?

#409

⇓

What the hell are you talkin' about, Charlie?

#410

⇓

Talkin' about you and the waitress dumpin' your baby in a Dumpster!

#411

⇓

And the abortion that you tried to make my mom have?

#412

⇓

Well, guess what, Frankie. It didn't take.

#413

⇓

I'm an abortion survivor, Dad! I survived the abortion, Dad!

#414

⇓

First of all, it takes nine months to have a baby.

#415

⇓

That is not my baby.

#416

⇓

Second of all, your mother is feedin' you a line of crap!

#417

⇓

Holy shit. You guys kept the Ali Baba sword?

#418

⇓

Gimme the sword! That's the sword I want.

#419

⇓

Back off, man. (others arguing, chattering)

#420

⇓

- It's my sword anyway! - Stop grabbin' it!

#421

⇓

(arguing, chattering continue) What are you guys doing?

#422

⇓

(crying)

#423

⇓