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Home » South Park » S03E16 — Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus

South Park

Season 3, Episode 16 — Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus

TMDB episode metadata

Show: South Park

Episode title: Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus

Air date: December 29, 1999

Director: Trey Parker

Top billed cast: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Isaac Hayes, Mary Kay Bergman, Milan Agnone, Jennifer Howell

Cartman is convinced he is going through puberty since he started bleeding out of his ass. Dr. Mephisto gives Stan some hormones and he takes the entire bottle. Stan gets facial hair, boobs and his voice starts changing. People are waiting outside of Jesus' home to see what kind of miracle he offers which ends up involving a comeback performance of a very old Rod Stewart and eventually an appearance by God.

Source: TMDB

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♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

↓

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

faces friendly friendly-faces

↓

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

folks humble humble-folks temptation

↓

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

behind woes woes-behind

↓

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

ample ample-parking night parking

↓

♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

howdy howdy-neighbor neighbor spouting spouting-howdy spouting-howdy-neighbor

↓

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

headed park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

unwind

↓

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪

friends meet

↓

Dude what are we gonna do for New Year's Eve?

years

↓

It has to be awesome!

awesome

↓

I know!

↓

It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!

biggest lives night

↓

You guys, you guys!

↓

Guess what?!

↓

What, fat ass?

↓

I've become a man!

become

↓

I've started puberty, you guys!

puberty started

↓

Hmmph?

↓

No, you didn't!

↓

Yes, I really did!

↓

How do you know?

↓

Well, because yesterday,

yesterday

↓

I got my period.

period

↓

You got your what?

↓

My period, you guys!

period

↓

You see, there comes a time in every child's life

childs comes life

↓

when they grow up, and nature starts to takes it's course

course grow nature starts takes

↓

by having you bleed out of your ass for a few days every month.

bleed days having month

↓

You're making that up!

↓

Ms. Alton, what's it mean to get a period?

period

↓

Well boys, I don't think I can tell you--

boys

↓

Please, it's important!

↓

Well, it's when puberty hits, and you bleed,

bleed hits puberty

↓

y'know, "down there".

yknow

↓

Holy shit, dude!

holy

↓

Cartman's right!

cartmans

↓

Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able

able afraid

↓

to hang out with you on New Year's Eve,

hang years

↓

I have to hang out with the older crowd

crowd hang older

↓

because now... I'm mature.

mature

↓

♪ I got my period and you guys didn't ♪

period

↓

♪ I got my period ♪

period

↓

♪ And you guys didn't ♪

↓

Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us!

cartman puberty

↓

Well maybe we'll get ours soon, too!

↓

I'm gonna go see if I'm bleeding out my ass!

bleeding

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Me too!

↓

In local news, a stomach virus is going around

local news stomach virus

↓

that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children.

bleeding causing children colon

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Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about

doctors parents telling virus worry

↓

and that the infections can be dealt with

dealt infections

↓

with simple antibiotics.

antibiotics simple

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Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve 1999.

days four four-days years

↓

The new millennium is almost upon us,

millennium

↓

and all over the world, people have started to celebrate

celebrate started world

↓

by dancing, singing and killing one another.

another dancing killing singing

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But probably the biggest event of the millennium

biggest event millennium

↓

is one happening in South Park, Colorado

colorado park park-colorado south south-park south-park-colorado

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where people have gathered for a chance to see

chance gathered

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Jesus Christ.

christ jesus jesus-christ

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Craig Netzle is standing by.

craig standing

↓

Thanks, Tom, it is indeed four days until the new millennium

days four four-days indeed millennium thanks

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and hundreds, if not thousands, of people

hundreds thousands

↓

have come from all over the world

world

↓

seeking Jesus...

jesus seeking

↓

here at his house in South Park.

house park south south-park

↓

Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out

giddy jesus

↓

because, as we all know,

↓

if Jesus comes out of his house,

comes house jesus

↓

and is not scared by his shadow,

scared shadow

↓

it means the next thousand years

thousand thousand-years years

↓

will be full of peace and love.

full love peace

↓

Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out!

coming jesus might

↓

Oh look, Tommy, there he is!

tommy

↓

Can you see him?

↓

He's neat, Mommy.

mommy neat

↓

Everyone is quiet here, Tom,

quiet

↓

looks like the little fella's a bit nervous.

fellas nervous

↓

But he has taken another step out, Tom...

another step taken

↓

this is great news for us!

news

↓

Ummm... what are you people doing?

ummm

↓

Can I help you with something?

↓

Well, it's the millennium, Jesus.

jesus millennium

↓

Uh, huh?

↓

It's the millennium.

millennium

↓

Yeah! - Right!

↓

So, what happens at the millennium?

happens millennium

↓

I don't know.

↓

We thought you did!

↓

Yeah, you're supposed to know.

supposed

↓

Yeah, you're Jesus!

jesus

↓

Oh. Well...

↓

yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.

believe peace

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

↓

we've heard that crap for about 2,000 years now.

heard years

↓

We wanna hear something new!

↓

It's the year 2000 for Christ's sake!

christs christs-sake sake

↓

Yeah!

↓

Well, what do you want?

↓

We want to see God!

↓

Yeah, with our own eyes.

eyes

↓

Yeah!

↓

We've followed blindly for thousands of years

blindly followed thousands years

↓

and we think the least God can do

least

↓

is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!

years

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Yeah!

↓

Oh, uhhh, let me think about that for a minute.

minute uhhh

↓

Is that good?

↓

I dunno, is that good?

dunno

↓

Hello?

↓

Dude, did you get your period yet?

period

↓

No, there's no blood coming out of my ass.

blood coming

↓

Mine either, but I double-checked

checked double

↓

and Cartman was right.

cartman

↓

Your period is the start of puberty.

period puberty start

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Well, if Cartman is the only one who gets it

cartman

↓

and he thinks he's too grown up to hang out with us,

grown hang thinks

↓

then screw him anyways.

anyways screw

↓

Yeah!

↓

Woo-hoo!

↓

Yay-heyy!

↓

C'mon Cartman, we have to make plans for new year's.

cartman plans years

↓

Hold your horses, guys.

horses

↓

This is very important for mature people!

mature

↓

Let's see...

↓

"Offers complete protection during heavy flow...

complete flow heavy offers protection

↓

"Maximum stoppage of vaginal chunks..."

chunks maximum vaginal

↓

Ooh, this one's got wings, you guys!

ones wings

↓

Woo-hoo!

↓

You did!

↓

You got your period, too, Kenny?

kenny period

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Well, welcome to the club, Kenny.

club kenny welcome

↓

You got your period, so now you're a man!

period

↓

We can hang out together on New Year's Eve.

hang years

↓

But first you need to buy some maxi-pads

maxi pads

↓

to stuff in the back of your pants

pants stuff

↓

so you don't get blood on your underwear.

blood underwear

↓

Woo-hoo!

↓

Tom, it looked for a second as if

looked second

↓

Jesus was going to come out of his house,

house jesus

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but then he went back inside.

↓

But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up

meanwhile showing

↓

to show their support for Jesus.

jesus support

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Well, the way I see it,

↓

if he really is who he says he is,

↓

well, then, he better do something on New Year's Eve

years

↓

'cause it's in the Bible!

bible

↓

Father, I need to talk to you.

father

↓

Please Father, appear to me.

appear father

↓

What is it, my child?

child

↓

Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again

attention father starting

↓

because of the new millennium.

millennium

↓

I'm kind of making a comeback!

comeback

↓

Yea, like John Travolta before you,

john

↓

you are experiencing a second revival.

experiencing second

↓

It's the millennium, Father.

father millennium

↓

People want to see you.

↓

Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me.

eyes likes prepared

↓

But, Dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback!

comeback shot

↓

Be ye be careful of pride, Jesus.

careful jesus pride

↓

Just make an appearance.

appearance

↓

You can come down, say hi to a few people

↓

and can be back by 12:30!

↓

I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love

earn everyones love

↓

you will have to do it yourself.

↓

Ike, can I talk to you?

↓

Uh-uh, different.

↓

Ike, I don't know what to do.

↓

All the guys are getting their periods

periods

↓

and I don't think I am.

↓

I can't be the last one to get it,

↓

I just can't!

↓

Wa-wa, cheery.

cheery

↓

Cartman got his, then Kenny.

cartman kenny

↓

What if tomorrow, Stan says he got his

stan tomorrow

↓

and I'm left out?

left

↓

I might not even get to be their friend any more.

friend might

↓

No, merky sahga...

↓

Murgy, miggy mowse.

↓

Yeah!

↓

I could just say I got my period.

period

↓

It's not like they'll check!

check

↓

I can just say I got my period

period

↓

'cause I really will get it someday!

someday

↓

It's not really lying, it's jumping the gun a little.

jumping lying

↓

Coo-kle, ma-kle.

↓

Thanks a lot, Ike.

thanks

↓

So you guys aren't gonne spend New Year's Eve with us?

spend years

↓

Look, Kenny and I are mature now.

kenny mature

↓

We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids!

couple kids spend years

↓

Did you get your maxi-pads, Kenny?

kenny maxi pads

↓

Tampon? What's a tampon?

tampon

↓

Ooh, doesn't that hurt?

hurt

↓

Mmhpt-mhhpm.

↓

You guys, I got my period, too!

period

↓

Wow, cool!

cool

↓

You did?

↓

Yeah, I was just hanging out in my room

hanging room

↓

then I period-ed all over the place.

period place

↓

Alright!

alright

↓

You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then.

club kennys

↓

My mom gave me this Women Who Run With The Wolves book

book wolves women

↓

and I'm finding out all about our Goddess powers.

finding goddess powers

↓

Awesome, we get powers?

awesome powers

↓

Yeah, c'mon, we can set up everything in my clubhouse

clubhouse

↓

and get ready for New Year's Eve!

ready years

↓

Hey, don't feel bad, Stan.

stan

↓

Some of us just mature a little later than others.

mature others

↓

"Are you there, God? It's me, Stan.

stan

↓

"if you wouldn't mind, I don't want to be the only kid

mind

↓

"who doesn't get his period before the new year.

period

↓

"Could you speed up my development a little?

development speed

↓

"Thanks God, your friend, Stan."

friend stan thanks

↓

"Are you there God? It's me, Jesus.

jesus

↓

"I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, God.

comeback real shot

↓

"For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again.

follow reason starting

↓

"I'm 2,000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again.

years

↓

"I think I'm going to win everybody back

everybody

↓

"because I just made a few phone calls

calls phone phone-calls

↓

"and I'm going to put on the most amazing new year's spectacle

amazing years

↓

this world has ever seen!"

seen world

↓

Good morning South Park, it's 8 A.M.

morning park south south-park

↓

And only two more days until the new millennium!

days millennium

↓

Dammit!

dammit

↓

Dammit!

dammit

↓

Dammit!

dammit

↓

Dammit!

dammit

↓

Stanley, honey, what's the matter?

honey matter stanley

↓

I'm not bleeding out of my ass!

bleeding

↓

Well... that's good, honey.

honey

↓

No, it's not, it's terrible!

↓

Are you there, God? It's me, Stan.

stan

↓

How come you didn't help me?

↓

I know you're really busy with things,

busy

↓

but this is a matter of life and death.

death life matter

↓

If I don't get my period

period

↓

my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve.

friends hang years

↓

Please, please give me my period soon.

period

↓

Here he comes!

comes

↓

He's coming out!

coming

↓

I've given it much thought, my children,

children given

↓

and you are right.

↓

After reviewing the Bible it does indeed say

bible indeed reviewing

↓

that something very big is going to happen at the millennium.

happen millennium

↓

I have spoken to my father in Heaven

father heaven spoken

↓

and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us.

agreed millennium significant

↓

And ye who believe in me shall be rewarded!

believe rewarded

↓

So, what we're gonna do tomorrow night--

night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

New Year's Eve 1999--

years

↓

We just got Rod Stewart to agree to play a comeback concert

agree comeback concert stewart

↓

at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas

casino hotel vegas

↓

and you're all going!

↓

We knew you could do it, Jesus!

jesus

↓

I better book my ass a flight to Vegas!

book flight vegas

↓

♪ For he is savior, for he is Lord ♪

lord savior

↓

♪ He gives me hope when I have only been bored ♪

bored gives hope

↓

♪ And he lifts me up with his gentle arms... ♪

arms gentle lifts

↓

Okay, is everyone accounted for?

↓

Goddess Wind?

goddess wind

↓

Here!

↓

Goddess Moon?

goddess moon

↓

Goddess Moon!

goddess moon

↓

I'm here!

↓

And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight.

delight goddess

↓

So, this is the first meeting of our club

club meeting

↓

for teens who have gotten their periods.

gotten periods teens

↓

We're supposed to talk about our periods and boys.

boys periods supposed

↓

Let's talk about boys first.

boys

↓

I think Craig is pretty cool

cool craig

↓

but I don't think Clyde is very cool.

clyde cool

↓

I think Clyde is kind of cool

clyde cool

↓

but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde.

clyde cooler craig

↓

Okay, that settles that.

settles

↓

Now let's talk about our periods.

periods

↓

Kyle, you first.

kyle

↓

Oh, uh... ummm...

ummm

↓

What's the matter, Kyle?

kyle matter

↓

Nothing!

↓

Uh, my period is really, uh...

period

↓

Uh, period is going swimmingly!

period

↓

Okay, that makes sense, mine is going swimmingly, too!

makes makes-sense sense

↓

Mine, too!

↓

Whew!

whew

↓

Oh, hello, Stan!

stan

↓

Hey, Chef.

chef

↓

How's it going?

↓

Bad.

↓

Why bad?

↓

Can I come in?

↓

Well, sure!

↓

Now what's the matter, little cracker?

cracker matter

↓

Chef, I have this friend, see...

chef friend

↓

And this person is really bummed out

bummed person

↓

because everyone else the same age has gotten their period

gotten period

↓

and this person hasn't.

person

↓

Oh, you're talking about your older sister, Shelly.

older shelly sister

↓

No.

↓

Your little girlfriend, Wendy.

girlfriend wendy

↓

Look, it doesn't matter who it is

matter

↓

the point is that everyone else got their period

period point

↓

and this person hasn't.

person

↓

Look, Stan, do you really know what a period is?

period stan

↓

Yeah, Cartman told us.

cartman

↓

Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle.

cycle sing song stan

↓

I think it might clear things up for you.

clear might

↓

Okay.

↓

♪ Ooh baby, yeah baby, ooh baby ♪

baby

↓

♪ Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby ♪

baby

↓

♪ Ooh yeah, yes yes baby ♪

baby

↓

♪ Yeah yeah yeah, uh-huh baby ♪

baby

↓

♪ Aw--aw--aw aw no, baby ♪

baby

↓

♪ Eww baby, naw naw ♪

baby

↓

♪ No I'm cool, it's okay ♪

cool

↓

♪ Watch out for the bedspread, baby ♪

baby watch

↓

♪ Look out, now-- ♪

↓

♪ Uh, I'll tell you what ♪

↓

♪ Uh, how about uhh... ♪

↓

♪ Why don't I call you next week ♪

week

↓

And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan.

cycle song stan

↓

Did that clear things up for you?

clear

↓

So, what you're saying is this person shouldn't be bummed

bummed person

↓

because everybody has their period at a different time?

everybody period

↓

Is that what I said?

↓

But it's not fair!

fair

↓

It's not fair that one day you're on top,

fair

↓

you're the coolest kid in town,

coolest town

↓

and the next day you're at the bottom again

bottom

↓

because everyone has blood coming out of their ass but you!

blood coming

↓

And if I can't men-strate then, by God,

↓

I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless 8-year-old boy!

↓

I'm gonna do something about it!

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

I musta' missed a whole middle part, there!

middle missed part whole

↓

I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is

excited stewart

↓

about this millennium concert.

concert millennium

↓

He's gotten a little older,

gotten older

↓

but you're gonna see how much he can still rock.

rock

↓

Oh, I'm excited, too.

excited

↓

I think it will bring my father's children

bring children fathers

↓

back to their faith and back to mine eyes.

eyes faith

↓

For I am the lamb of God.

lamb

↓

Yeah, and y'know, Rod is a seasoned veteran

veteran yknow

↓

so I'm going to have to ask for a bit more cash.

cash

↓

But we can talk about that later.

↓

Here comes Rod now.

comes

↓

Owww...

owww

↓

Hey Rod, great to see you!

↓

Owww...

owww

↓

Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing.

folks glad playing

↓

It's really given them a lot of faith in me again.

faith given

↓

I'm sure that together we can make this millennium party

millennium party

↓

the best New Year's bash ever!

bash best years

↓

Poopans...

↓

What?

↓

Poo pants.

pants

↓

"Poo pants"?

pants

↓

Pooped pants.

pants pooped

↓

Y-You pooped your pants?

pants pooped

↓

Pooped my pants.

pants pooped

↓

Oh...

↓

Uh-- Nurse, Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants!

apparently nurse pants pooped stewart

↓

Again?!

↓

Now Mr. Stewart,

stewart

↓

what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

dookie

↓

Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan.

puberty stan

↓

It's what links us all together.

links

↓

Makes us one.

makes

↓

What happens if there's someone who never went through puberty?

happens puberty

↓

Never went through puberty?

puberty

↓

Who never went through puberty?

puberty

↓

Nobody... I mean, uh...

nobody

↓

Uh, well... my dad!

↓

Your father never went through puberty?

father puberty

↓

No and uh... that's why he sent me here.

sent

↓

Because he's too embarrassed to come himself.

embarrassed

↓

Well, I can't say that I blame him.

blame

↓

So, do you know anything that can help him?

↓

Well I should think that the most logical solution would be--

logical solution

↓

hormones!

hormones

↓

Hormones?

hormones

↓

Yes, here, tell your father

father

↓

to take just one of these pills every week.

pills week

↓

It could be just what he needs.

needs

↓

And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me.

safe secret

↓

Thanks a lot, Doctor, you're the best!

best doctor thanks

↓

My pleasure.

pleasure

↓

I just love helping people.

helping love

↓

Now, for our first club activity,

activity club

↓

we're supposed to reach into this little dish

dish reach supposed

↓

and pull out a word.

pull word

↓

We look at the word

word

↓

and think about what that word means to us.

word

↓

Okay, today's word is "spirituality".

todays word

↓

What that means to me is--

↓

Hey, assholes!

assholes

↓

Hey, look, it's that little boy

↓

who hasn't gotten his period yet.

gotten period

↓

Don't you worry about that!

worry

↓

I've started taking hormones!

hormones started

↓

Hormones?

hormones

↓

Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker.

puberty quicker

↓

And I'm just here to tell you

↓

that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys!

bigger puberty

↓

Dude, I don't think 8-year-olds are supposed to take hormones.

hormones olds supposed

↓

Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan.

force period stan

↓

You should let it come like the morning dew.

morning

↓

So what are we gonna do for new year's?

years

↓

Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas.

families vegas

↓

I guess there'll be some younger kids there...if you want to go.

kids therell younger

↓

Argh, I'm gonna go take some more hormones.

argh hormones

↓

Now, the word is "spirituality".

word

↓

I believe that the Goddess in me is my sprituality because--

believe goddess

↓

Ughnnn...

↓

Quiet, Kenny.

kenny quiet

↓

The Goddess lives in all of us--

goddess lives

↓

Ugh-ugnn!

↓

Goddammit Kenny, shut the hell up!

goddammit kenny

↓

Ughhhnn!

↓

Whoa, dude!

whoa

↓

Mr. and Ms. McCormick?

mccormick

↓

Yes?

↓

I'm sorry, we couldn't save your son.

save

↓

Oh my God...

↓

My little Kenny's gone!

gone kennys

↓

I can't believe it!

believe

↓

We just didn't get to him in time.

↓

There's nothing we could do.

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

What killed him, Doctor?

doctor killed

↓

Well, we found a tampon stuck up your child's ass.

childs found stuck tampon

↓

Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days.

apparently days several several-days

↓

It plugged him up until he finally burst

burst finally plugged

↓

from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank.

ruptured septic tank

↓

Oh my God!

↓

My worry is that he could have been following

following worry

↓

some kind of crazy new fad.

crazy

↓

Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass

children perhaps shoving tampons

↓

because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something.

boys seen

↓

We must get to the bottom of this!

bottom must

↓

If you'll pardon the pun.

pardon

↓

But, actually, right now, I've got to catch plane to Las Vegas

catch plane vegas

↓

to see the Rod Stewart Millennium Show.

millennium stewart

↓

Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?

vegas

↓

Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas

live vegas

↓

where tomorrow night the New Year's Eve event

event night tomorrow tomorrow-night years

↓

is going to happen.

happen

↓

Jesus Christ, our Lord and savior,

christ jesus jesus-christ lord savior

↓

is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed king of pop

king presenting stewart

↓

right here at this hotel behind me.

behind hotel

↓

It looks as though Jesus really has come through.

jesus

↓

Everyone is very excited because rumor has it

excited rumor

↓

that God himself is gonna show up to the event.

event

↓

What?

↓

How about you, m'aam, do you think God is gonna show up?

maam

↓

Of course he is.

course

↓

This is Jesus we're talking about!

jesus

↓

He wouldn't let us down.

↓

Oh no! Are you there, God?

↓

Father, will you please reconsider

father reconsider

↓

and show up tomorrow?

tomorrow

↓

Hello?

↓

Stanley, wake up, honey... it's time to leave for Las Vegas!

honey stanley vegas wake

↓

Whoa, dude!

whoa

↓

I've got boobs!

boobs

↓

Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people.

cool mature place vegas

↓

Alright, people...

alright

↓

Are we ready to rock the millennium?

millennium ready rock

↓

Father in Heaven, please let tonight's show go well.

father heaven tonights

↓

Please make them like it.

↓

Hey, here comes Stan.

comes stan

↓

Have I missed anything?

missed

↓

Wow, Stan, you've really got some nice titties, there.

stan titties

↓

Did you get your period yet, Stan?

period stan

↓

No, I didn't, but--

↓

Don't worry, you'll get someday.

someday worry

↓

C'mon, Kyle, let's go see what kind of tampons they have

kyle tampons

↓

here in Las Vegas.

vegas

↓

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

↓

I sure as heck am excited!

excited heck

↓

We've got about 4 hours to the new year,

hours

↓

so it think it's time to start it up!

start

↓

Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is, as promised

gentlemen ladies promised

↓

Mr. Rod "Do You Think I'm Sexy" Stewart!

sexy stewart

↓

♪ Owwww... ♪

↓

♪ Owwww... ♪

↓

♪ Owww, ohhh, owwww ♪

ohhh owww

↓

Whoa, man!

whoa

↓

Oops, I pooped 'em.

oops pooped

↓

This sucks balls!

balls sucks

↓

Yeah! - Yeah!

↓

Alright, enough of this, bring out God!

alright bring

↓

Yeah!

↓

Oh no!

↓

We want God!

↓

We want God!

↓

We want God!

↓

Please Father, do something!

father

↓

We want God!

↓

Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make it tonight.

afraid folks tonight

↓

We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?

vegas

↓

This is the worst New Year's ever!

worst years

↓

Thanks a lot, Jesus!

jesus thanks

↓

Let's get him!

↓

Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas

live vegas

↓

at what is quickly becoming known as the gayest party ever.

becoming known party quickly

↓

Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross

building cross outraged

↓

in which to, once again, crucify our Lord and savior,

lord savior

↓

Jesus Christ.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Jesus, why does God hate me?

hate jesus

↓

Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me!

hate hates

↓

He's gonna let me be crucified again.

crucified

↓

He hates me more.

hates

↓

He doesn't answer my prayers.

answer prayers

↓

I prayed to him every day and he never answered me.

answered

↓

But just because God doesn't answer your prayers

answer prayers

↓

doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

care

↓

Well, then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?

wanted

↓

God can't just answer every prayer

answer prayer

↓

and suddenly give you everything you want.

suddenly

↓

That takes all the living out of life.

life living takes

↓

What do you mean?

↓

If God answered all our prayers,

answered prayers

↓

there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves.

left thered

↓

Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems.

life problems

↓

And growing and learning from obstacles.

growing learning obstacles

↓

If God just fixed everything for us,

fixed

↓

then there'd be no point in our existence.

existence point thered

↓

That's why he wouldn't show up to my new year's party.

party years

↓

I just wanted my period.

period wanted

↓

I get it now, Father!

father

↓

I had to learn all this on my own.

learn

↓

I was overcome with my new popularity

overcome popularity

↓

and I let pride get in the way of good judgment.

judgment pride

↓

Whoa, what is that?

whoa

↓

It's Dad.

↓

God is going to show himself?

↓

Look, I can see him!

↓

Father, you came!

father

↓

Now, look upon me, my children, and know me.

children

↓

Be ye not afraid, blessed art thou, my children.

afraid blessed children thou

↓

That's God?

↓

Yea, 'tis my father the creator.

creator father

↓

He is the alpha, the omega, the beginning and the end.

alpha beginning omega

↓

Well yeah, but... that?!

↓

What did you expect me to look like, my son?

expect

↓

Well not like that!

↓

Since it is the end of the first 2,000 years

years

↓

I will allow you, my children, to ask me one question.

allow children question

↓

One question?

question

↓

Only one?

↓

What should we ask him?

↓

We have to think carefully!

carefully

↓

We can ask him anything we want

↓

like, "what's the meaning of life?"

life meaning

↓

Oo, "why are we here?"

↓

I have it, I have the question!

question

↓

Now you have to answer me once and for all...

answer

↓

How come I haven't gotten my period yet?

gotten period

↓

My child, you are a boy.

child

↓

Boys do not get periods, that's only for girls.

boys girls periods

↓

Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses

asses bleeding friends

↓

because of an acute colon infection

acute colon infection

↓

and your friend Kyle simply lied about it.

friend friend-kyle kyle lied simply

↓

How'd he know that!?

howd

↓

You will hit puberty when the time is right.

puberty

↓

But you will never have a period, because you are a man.

period

↓

With titties.

titties

↓

Thus, spaketh the Lord.

lord

↓

And now, I return to Heaven.

heaven return

↓

Hey, wait!

↓

That doesn't count as our question, does it?

count question

↓

I'll answer another on New Year's Eve

another answer years

↓

in the year 4000.

↓

Did you hear that, everybody?

everybody

↓

I'm not even supposed to have my period

period supposed

↓

that's why God wasn't answering me before!

answering

↓

Boy, I'm sure glad everything worked out okay!

glad worked

↓

I guess now, we can all celebrate the new year, huh?

celebrate

↓

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

acquaintance auld forgot

↓

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

brought mind

↓

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

acquaintance auld forgot

↓

♪ And auld lang syne ♪

auld

↓

♪ For auld lang syne my dear ♪

auld dear

↓

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

auld

↓

Let's get him!

↓

Yeah!

↓

Ahhhhhh!!