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Home » South Park » S03E12 — Hooked on Monkey Fonics

South Park

Season 3, Episode 12 — Hooked on Monkey Fonics

TMDB episode metadata

Show: South Park

Episode title: Hooked on Monkey Fonics

Air date: November 10, 1999

Director: Trey Parker

Top billed cast: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Isaac Hayes, Mary Kay Bergman, Milan Agnone, Jennifer Howell

Mrs. Cartman is about to give Eric a present. Of course Eric is hoping it will be some kind of toy, but it ends up being Hooked On Monkey Phonics to help him win the big South Park Annual Spelling Bee. Kyle finds Rebecca Cutswald to be quite intriguing and tries to woo her with his charm and teach her how to love and learn in public school.

Source: TMDB

↓

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

↓

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

faces friendly friendly-faces

↓

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

folks humble humble-folks temptation

↓

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

behind woes woes-behind

↓

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

ample ample-parking night parking

↓

♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

howdy howdy-neighbor neighbor spouting spouting-howdy spouting-howdy-neighbor

↓

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

headed park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

unwind

↓

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪

friends meet

↓

Look, Eric!

eric

↓

Mommy got you a present!

mommy present

↓

A present-- is it a "Rocket Racer?!"

present racer rocket

↓

No, let me guess!

↓

It's a "Frogman Dave" doll!

dave doll

↓

No wait, I know, it's a "Police Power Chopper"!

chopper police power

↓

No, I got you something that's going to help you

↓

win the big spelling bee tomorrow!

spelling tomorrow

↓

Mom, I'm not gonna win the spelling bee.

spelling

↓

I never do.

↓

This year's gonna be different!

years

↓

Look!

↓

I got you "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"!

fonics hooked monkey

↓

What the hell is "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"?

fonics hooked monkey

↓

It's a new way to learn how to read and spell,

learn read spell

↓

and it comes with everything you need

comes

↓

to help win that spelling bee!

spelling

↓

Wagh!

↓

It says we just put the cassette into a tape player...

cassette player tape

↓

Welcome to "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"

fonics hooked monkey welcome

↓

Level 1!

level

↓

I will read the sounds and the monkey will keep the beat.

beat monkey read sounds

↓

If your monkey arrived in the box dead

arrived dead monkey

↓

call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey.

monkey

↓

Ready? Let's begin!

begin ready

↓

The learning monkey is here to say,

learning monkey

↓

that reading is easy and it's okay!

easy reading

↓

Work with the monkey and you will learn,

learn monkey

↓

to spell hard words like "morbid" and "fern".

hard spell words

↓

Start with card 1, ready begin--

begin card ready start

↓

C-h, ch-chalk.

chalk

↓

C-h,ch-chalk.

chalk

↓

Good, Card 2!

card

↓

T-h, th-there.

↓

T-h,th-there!

↓

Hey, this is easy!!

easy

↓

I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!

spelling

↓

Alright, everyone!

alright

↓

Welcome to the 15th annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals!

annual annual-south annual-south-park finals park south south-park spelling welcome

↓

Woo-hoo!

↓

This should be very interesting.

interesting

↓

We have with us 12 of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary.

brightest elementary park park-elementary south south-park south-park-elementary

↓

Kyle, Kyle, he's our man

kyle

↓

if he can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks!

bucks

↓

You bet money on my son to win?!

money

↓

Sure, when it comes to spelling bees,

bees comes spelling

↓

I always bet on the Jew!

↓

You're going down, bitch.

bitch

↓

Shut up, fat ass.

↓

Everyone knows I can spell better than you.

knows spell

↓

Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon.

secret secret-weapon weapon

↓

And joining us this year,

joining

↓

are the two home-schooled children,

children home home-schooled schooled

↓

Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds!

cotswolds mark rebecca

↓

What?!

↓

Home-schooled kids?!

home home-schooled kids schooled

↓

Who the hell are they!?

↓

Hey, that's not fair!

fair

↓

You can't let home-schooled kids

home home-schooled kids schooled

↓

into a public school spelling bee!

public public-school school spelling

↓

What's a home-schooled kid?

home home-schooled schooled

↓

I don't know, dude, I've never seen them before.

seen

↓

Go Mark! Go Rebecca!

mark rebecca

↓

Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds from home-school.

contestant cotswolds home home-school mark school

↓

Alright, Mark, your word is: "conscientious".

alright conscientious mark word

↓

What?! What the fuck does that mean?!

fuck

↓

Conscientious... may I have the definition, please?

conscientious definition

↓

"Closely attentive to details, careful".

careful closely details

↓

Conscientious--could you use it in a sentence, please.

conscientious sentence

↓

"Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was conscientious."

analysis conscientious marys

↓

Conscientious... C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-t-i-o-u-s.

conscientious

↓

Holy crap!

holy

↓

Way to go, Mark, alright!

alright mark

↓

Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman.

cartman contestant eric eric-cartman

↓

Alright, Eric, here is your word: "chair."

alright chair eric word

↓

Cha-ir.

↓

Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum!

drum fonics fonics-monkey monkey

↓

Come on!

↓

Eric, your word is "chair"!

chair eric word

↓

Uh... definition?

definition

↓

Something you sit on.

↓

Country of origin?

country

↓

English!

english

↓

Could you please use it in a sentence?

sentence

↓

Oh for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!

chair christs christs-sake sake word

↓

Uh... chair... C-h-a-r-e.

chair

↓

Bzzzt! - Aw, dammit!

dammit

↓

How come I get the hard ones?!

hard ones

↓

Get over here you son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!

bitch fonics fonics-monkey monkey

↓

Alright, we're down to just three finalists.

alright finalists three

↓

First up is Rebecca Cotswalds from home-school.

home home-school rebecca school

↓

Alright, Rebecca, here is your word: "litoral."

alright litoral rebecca word

↓

Litoral... Definition?

definition litoral

↓

"Having to do with a lake or ocean."

having lake ocean

↓

Litoral... will you please use it in a sentence?

litoral sentence

↓

"Gary was most interested in the litoral features of Michigan."

features gary interested litoral michigan

↓

Litoral... L-i-t-o-r-a-I!

litoral

↓

Correct!

correct

↓

Wow...

↓

Alright, Rebecca! Good job honey!

alright honey rebecca

↓

And now we have Kyle Broflofski.

kyle

↓

Here we go: "kroxldyphivc."

↓

What?!

↓

"Kroxldyphivc".

↓

Definition?

definition

↓

"Something which has a Kroxldyph-like quality."

quality

↓

Uh... could you use it in a sentence?

sentence

↓

Certainly.

certainly

↓

"Kroxldyphivc is a hard word to spell."

hard spell word

↓

Kroxldyphivc...

↓

You can do it, kid! You can do it!

↓

Kroxldyphic... C-

↓

Bzzztt! - Dammit!

dammit

↓

You little bastard! You cost me 50 bucks!

bastard bucks cost

↓

Why don't you run away and join the circus,

circus join

↓

you stupid little son-of-a-bitch!

bitch stupid

↓

Aghghgh!

↓

Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca.

congratulations mark rebecca

↓

You are truly South Park's finest!

finest parks south south-parks truly

↓

Damn, dude, those home-school kids are smart!

home home-school kids school school-kids smart

↓

Yeah, too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth!

↓

What's your name?

name

↓

What's in a name?

name

↓

Wow.

↓

It was nice competing against you boys.

boys competing

↓

We will have to do it a-gain sometime.

gain sometime

↓

Oh yes, we must do it a-gain.

gain must

↓

We've never seen you before,

seen

↓

do you live in the woods or something?

live woods

↓

No, I live right over there.

live

↓

I've lived there all my life.

life lived

↓

How come you don't go to school?

school

↓

Because I'm home-schooled. - What's that?

home home-schooled schooled

↓

My parents teach me,

parents teach

↓

so I stay at home instead of going to school.

home school

↓

You what?

↓

Stay at home-- all day--no school?!

home school

↓

Right.

↓

♪ Who would have thought such a miracle could be ♪

miracle

↓

♪ Who could have known that this moment I would see ♪

known moment

↓

♪ A new way of living, a chance to be free--♪♪

chance free living

↓

Shut up, Cartman.

cartman

↓

You shut up, butthole.

butthole

↓

You shut up, gay wad.

↓

You shut up, ass logger.

↓

Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?

enemies goodness

↓

No, we're friends.

friends

↓

Strange, friends would call each other names and fight.

fight friends names strange

↓

What?

↓

Come, children, let's take our trophies home

children home trophies

↓

and place them high upon the mantle!

mantle place

↓

Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.

bunch freakin

↓

Papa?

papa

↓

Yes, Mark?

mark

↓

Why can't I go to school with the other boys?

boys school

↓

Oh...

↓

Well, because son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous.

dangerous public public-schools schools

↓

But I want to play with the other children.

children

↓

Oh, how they laugh and play, Papa.

laugh papa

↓

Mark, you have play time.

mark

↓

You get to play in the afternoons.

afternoons

↓

I just feel like I should go to public school,

public public-school school

↓

if only for a little while.

↓

To see what other little boys are like.

boys

↓

Mark, public schools are no good.

mark public public-schools schools

↓

Your mother and I were both home-schooled

home home-schooled mother schooled

↓

and we turned out much better because of it.

turned

↓

Please, Papa, just let me try it for a few days.

days papa

↓

Alright, fine, Mark!

alright mark

↓

You go ahead and go to public school.

ahead go-ahead public public-school school

↓

You can just find out for yourself

↓

how flawed and treacherous it is!

flawed

↓

Hooray!

hooray

↓

You don't want to go to public school, too, do you Rebecca?

public public-school rebecca school

↓

Oh, heavens no.

heavens

↓

Well, thank God for that.

↓

At least my daughter will remain safe!

daughter least remain safe

↓

Oh, hi... is, uh... is Rebecca home?

home rebecca

↓

Yes, she is.

↓

Uh... can I talk to her?

↓

Oh, well... I suppose so.

suppose

↓

Rebecca, this little boy wants to see you.

rebecca wants

↓

Hello?

↓

Uh... hi.

↓

Hello.

↓

Uh... I just...

↓

Well... that's all.

↓

Who was that?

↓

A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.

rebecca wanted

↓

Oh no.

↓

I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea!

idea spelling

↓

But the children won,

children

↓

and they were happy to meet the other children.

children happy meet

↓

Yes, but now I think we may have opened

opened

↓

a Pandora's Box that we can't close!

close

↓

Okay, children, we have a new student joining us today

children joining student today

↓

from home-school.

home home-school school

↓

Now, his parents are very worried about his safety,

parents safety worried

↓

so please don't be too cruel too him.

cruel

↓

Mark?

mark

↓

Hey guys, what's up?

↓

Dude, what's wrong with you?

↓

Do you have some kind of John Travolta disease?

disease john

↓

Alright, children, let's just try to pretend

alright children pretend

↓

there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here

ball hamster huge plastic

↓

and go on with our studies.

studies

↓

Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas

columbus sailed seas

↓

and discovered America?

america discovered

↓

Yes, Mark?

mark

↓

Ay! How come you never pick me?

pick

↓

Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains.

answer brains butt

↓

Yes, Mark?

mark

↓

The answer is 1492.

answer

↓

However, the Americas had already been discovered

americas discovered

↓

by many before him,

↓

including the Vikings and the Native Americans,

americans including native

↓

and therefore your question is a charade.

charade question therefore

↓

Aw, see, that's what I was gonna say!

↓

Very impressive, Mark.

impressive mark

↓

You should be able to throw the grading curve

able curve grading throw

↓

and flunk all these little bastards.

bastards flunk

↓

Oh God, this kid's gonna last about five seconds

five five-seconds kids seconds

↓

out on the playground.

playground

↓

Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from?

columbus country

↓

Put your hand down, cream puff.

cream hand puff

↓

That does it!

↓

I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed!

↓

I'm gonna be home-schooled from now on!

home home-schooled schooled

↓

You don't wanna be home-schooled, fat ass.

home home-schooled schooled

↓

I'm gonna be home-schooled

home home-schooled schooled

↓

and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me!

behind pain public public-school school suffering

↓

Screw you, guys... I'm gonna be home-schooled.

home home-schooled schooled screw

↓

Oh please God, let it be forever.

forever

↓

Come on, Pip, say it, say "please hit me."

↓

But if I say that, you'll hit me!

↓

No, I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it.

↓

If you say "please hit me," I won't hit you.

↓

"Please hit me."

↓

Alright. - Ow!

alright

↓

Alright, let's try this again, Pip...

alright

↓

I don't understand.

↓

You seem to like that boy,

↓

yet hate him at the same time.

hate

↓

Hey, kid, get out of that hamster ball.

ball hamster

↓

Oh, I promised my father I wouldn't.

father promised

↓

Oh, boy.

↓

Sorry, dude, you're on your own.

↓

You best do what he says, home-school kid.

best home home-school school

↓

Why this is our part of the playground, see,

part playground

↓

and if you don't follow our rules,

follow rules

↓

we're gonna duct-tape ya to a bench.

bench duct duct-tape tape

↓

You mean you would actually duct tape my entire body to a bench?

bench body duct duct-tape entire tape

↓

For what purpose?

purpose

↓

Just get out of the hamster ball

ball hamster

↓

or else you're gonna find out!

↓

Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo.

half second second-half

↓

Yeah, why... why, you shouldn't be such a smart mouth

mouth smart

↓

Mr. Know-It-All.

↓

Oh, dear.

dear

↓

Oh, where could he be?!

↓

He should have been home from the public school by now!

home public public-school school

↓

I'm sure he's alright.

alright

↓

That must be him!

must

↓

Aaaaaaaaaaghhh!

↓

Oh my God, son!

↓

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

↓

Mark, what have they done to you?!

mark

↓

Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.

bench duct duct-taped taped

↓

But why?!

↓

I don't know, Mother.

mother

↓

It didn't make any sense at all.

sense

↓

Well, you see?!

↓

This is what happens at public schools!

happens public public-schools schools

↓

But I want to go back tomorrow, Papa.

papa tomorrow

↓

What?!

↓

Please, just give me one more day.

↓

What do we do?

↓

Well, if we're going to let him go back...

↓

It looks like I need to have a little talk

↓

with those other boys' fathers!

boys fathers

↓

♪ Everywhere I go I'm thinking of you, Rebecca ♪

rebecca thinking

↓

♪ I don't know what to do, Rebecca ♪

rebecca

↓

♪ You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better ♪

↓

♪ So what do you say we get together ♪

↓

♪ You really are quite good looking, Rebecca ♪

looking rebecca

↓

♪ You really are quite good looking, Rebecca ♪

looking rebecca

↓

♪ Rebecca, you really are quite good looking ♪

looking rebecca

↓

♪ You're a fox ♪

↓

Uh... good evening, gentlemen.

evening gentlemen

↓

If I could have your attention for a few moments...

attention moments

↓

My son Mark was beat up in school today, by your sons.

beat mark school school-today sons today

↓

I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons,

appropriate sons

↓

and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy.

bother longer tease

↓

Look, Mr...

↓

Cotswolds.

cotswolds

↓

Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control

completely control cotswolds

↓

what our kids do socially.

kids socially

↓

That's for them to figure out on their own.

figure

↓

Well, obviously they need to be to be coached a little better.

obviously

↓

And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl.

girl harassing

↓

I would like you to tell him to stop.

↓

Hey, my son is just discovering love.

love

↓

Maybe your daughter is, too.

daughter

↓

They need to know about that stuff.

stuff

↓

Oh, hello?!

↓

My girl is eight years old!

eight eight-years girl years

↓

What does she need to know about love?!

love

↓

Well, something.

↓

I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager

teenager

↓

and expect her to figure out everything all at once.

expect figure

↓

I will not tell you how to raise your children

children raise

↓

and you will not tell me how to raise mine.

raise

↓

You want a beer or something, Catswall?

beer

↓

No, I don't drink beer.

beer drink drink-beer

↓

I just like wine coolers.

wine

↓

You what!?

↓

See ya, Cotswolds, thanks for stopping by.

cotswolds stopping thanks

↓

Yeah, see ya.

↓

I can't even get her to understand.

↓

It's like she's from another planet.

another another-planet planet

↓

Can I sit here with you?

↓

Oh man, if you have to.

↓

Attention students.

attention attention-students students

↓

Don't forget that this Friday night is

forget friday friday-night night

↓

the South Park Elementary "Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance".

dance elementary memorial park park-elementary pigs south south-park south-park-elementary

↓

We will have a very special band performing so please come early.

band early performing special

↓

Hey, that's it, the dance!

dance

↓

I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!

dance rebecca

↓

Dude what happened to you?!

happened

↓

You're a total wuss now!

total wuss

↓

Ha ha!

↓

Mrfm frm mrm!

↓

Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him?

kyle laugh names

↓

Is he not your friend?

friend

↓

Yeah, dude, but guys just do that.

↓

We rip on each other and stuff.

stuff

↓

I see--it's like you have to mark your territory as a boy.

mark territory

↓

You have to socially find your place.

place socially

↓

What?

↓

Enjoying your lunch, nerd-o?

enjoying lunch nerd

↓

Ah, sticks and stones may break my bones

bones break sticks stones

↓

but words will never harm me!

harm words

↓

Oh, dude, you don't say that!

↓

Huh?

↓

Get him!

↓

Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school.

hard having kids public public-school school

↓

Yeah, I wonder how Cartman is doing with his home-schooling.

cartman home home-schooling schooling wonder

↓

Uhhh... seriously...

uhhh

↓

Uhhh...

uhhh

↓

Hon, are you ready for some math problems?

math problems ready

↓

Oh, not right this second, Mother.

mother second

↓

Put them there by the door.

door

↓

Oh, alright.

alright

↓

Mom...

↓

Yes, hon?

↓

Could you turn up the heat just a little?

heat

↓

Sure, hon.

↓

Uhhhh...

↓

Dude, home-schooling rules!

home home-schooling rules schooling

↓

Yes!

↓

Oh, hello.

↓

Oh! Uh... Rebecca!

rebecca

↓

There's this dance, see... at the school... and, um--

dance school

↓

Hey, would you like to come up to my room?

room

↓

Huh?

↓

Would you like to come up to my room?

room

↓

Uh... okay?

↓

I'm sorry, Son, there's nothing we can do to stop those bullies.

bullies

↓

We have to pull you out of public school.

public public-school pull school

↓

Oh, Papa... can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?

dance least papa tomorrow

↓

Alright, you can go.

alright

↓

But I'll be there to supervise.

↓

Alright...

alright

↓

Mark, where is your sister?

mark sister

↓

She's upstairs playing doctor with that Kyle boy.

doctor kyle playing upstairs

↓

Oh, alright.

alright

↓

What?!

↓

Rebecca?!

rebecca

↓

Don't play his perverted games!

games perverted

↓

I have to extirpate a lesion in his cerebral cortex

↓

or risk infection to the synaptic responses.

infection risk

↓

Uh... alright, Rebecca,

alright rebecca

↓

but it's time to start your home-schooling.

home home-schooling schooling start

↓

Rebecca, there's this dance, see.

dance rebecca

↓

The South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.

dance elementary memorial park park-elementary pigs south south-park south-park-elementary

↓

And I was wondering, if you want to go.

wondering

↓

Hmmm... alright, I guess I'll go.

alright hmmm

↓

You will?!

↓

I guess.

↓

Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll see you there.

↓

No, no... I mean... go with me.

↓

Oh I'm sure Father will give me a ride.

father ride

↓

Aaahh..

aaahh

↓

Ughhhh...

↓

Eric, I got you a new history textbook.

eric history textbook

↓

Why don't you come downstairs?

downstairs

↓

Waaaaghhh... not right now, Mom.

↓

Eric, please, we have to do some studying today.

eric studying today

↓

I am studying, Mom.

studying

↓

I'm learning with the Fonics Monkey.

fonics fonics-monkey learning monkey

↓

Mach maaach, mach!

↓

Waaaaghhh....

↓

Hey, fat ass, how's home-schooling going?

home home-schooling schooling

↓

Oh, it's so sweet, you guys.

sweet

↓

Well get your ass out of bed,

↓

we have to go deal with that home-school kid.

deal home home-school school

↓

I can't, I'm too tired.

tired

↓

Maybe tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

But the big dance is tomorrow

dance tomorrow

↓

and all the guys are going to duct-tape him to a flagpole.

duct duct-tape flagpole tape

↓

That sounds cool, maybe I'll go to that.

cool sounds sounds-cool

↓

No, Fonics Monkey!

fonics fonics-monkey monkey

↓

Wach wach waaaaach! - No, Fonics Monkey!

fonics fonics-monkey monkey

↓

That's a bad Fonics Monkey!

fonics fonics-monkey monkey

↓

Wach wach waaaach!

↓

Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!

fonics fonics-monkey kenny killed killed-kenny monkey

↓

You're damn straight he did.

straight

↓

You got my note?

note

↓

Of course, you taped it to my dog,

course taped

↓

how could I not see it?

↓

Uhh... can we sit down?

↓

Why not?

↓

Isn't Papa's garden beautiful?

garden

↓

He works so hard on it.

hard works

↓

Rebecca... don't you ever look at the town?

rebecca town

↓

At that flicker of light over there?

light

↓

I have looked at it.

looked

↓

Well, that's a public school.

public public-school school

↓

And in it, there are children, just like us.

children

↓

How can children go to school on a flicker of light?

children light school

↓

From public school, your house is just a flicker of light.

house light public public-school school

↓

Don't you want to go out?

↓

All you do is stay in your house and study.

house study

↓

What else would one do?

↓

Love... for one thing.

love

↓

And what is love?

love

↓

Love... Is the most important thing on Earth.

earth love

↓

When boys and girls feel love...

boys girls love

↓

they kiss.

kiss

↓

What means "kiss"?

kiss

↓

When a man and a woman feel love

love woman

↓

they put their lips together.

lips

↓

Oh, you mean a mate?

mate

↓

When it is time to increase the herd,

herd increase

↓

my provider will select one for me.

select

↓

Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate.

mate public public-school rebecca school select

↓

In public school, men and women get together,

public public-school school women

↓

make each other happy.

happy

↓

You certainly come from a silly place.

certainly place silly

↓

Still, I should like to try this... kiss.

kiss

↓

So I could write about it.

write

↓

How do we do it?

↓

I'm not completely sure.

completely

↓

Should we... look it up?

↓

No, I think its just something you have to try a few times

times

↓

until you... get it... right.

↓

Mmmm...

mmmm

↓

Wow!

↓

Wow, that was fun!

fun

↓

Does that--

↓

does that mean you'll go to the dance?

dance

↓

You bet your sweet ass I will!

sweet

↓

Alright, here's the plan.

alright plan

↓

Tomorrow night at the dance,

dance night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

when none of the chaperones are looking,

looking

↓

you guys go grab Mark, bring him out here

bring grab mark

↓

and then we're gonna duct tape him to this flagpole.

duct duct-tape flagpole tape

↓

Are you sure?

↓

He could be out here all night on the flagpole.

flagpole night

↓

That's the point, buttpipe!

point

↓

Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!

↓

Well, come on, we gotta go buy us some more duct tape!

duct duct-tape tape

↓

Hooray!

hooray

↓

Alright, here's the plan:

alright plan

↓

all we gotta to is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow.

chaperone dance tomorrow volunteer

↓

Why do we all wanna chaperone the dance?

chaperone dance

↓

Because Cotswolds is gonna be there.

cotswolds

↓

And we he shows up, we all grab him,

grab shows

↓

bring him out here...

bring

↓

and duct tape him to the flagpole!

duct duct-tape flagpole tape

↓

The flagpole, that's great!

flagpole

↓

Come on we gotta buy more duct tape!

duct duct-tape tape

↓

Alright!

alright

↓

Dude, we're gonna go duct tape that Mark kid to the bleachers,

bleachers duct duct-tape mark tape

↓

you wanna help?

↓

I can't.

↓

I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.

rebecca

↓

Oh, brother!

brother

↓

Don't you oh brother me!

brother

↓

She's the woman of my dreams!

dreams woman

↓

You suck now, Kyle.

kyle suck

↓

You suck!

suck

↓

Boys and girls can I have your attention please?

attention boys girls

↓

This year we have a very special guest performing

guest performing special special-guest

↓

at the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.

dance elementary memorial park park-elementary pigs south south-park south-park-elementary

↓

He was a musical force in the Seventies and Eighties.

force musical

↓

Please welcome... Ronni James Dio!

james welcome

↓

Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?!

boys girls ready rock

↓

I said... are you ready to rock?!

ready rock

↓

Uh, sure, I guess.

↓

Then let's hit it!

↓

I know you'll all remember this one.

remember

↓

It's off my first solo album.

album solo

↓

The song that you all helped me make number one!

helped number song

↓

♪ Holy diver ♪

diver holy

↓

♪ You've been down too long in the midnight sea-- ♪

midnight

↓

Hey, there he is, there's the home-school kid!

home home-school school

↓

Come on, let's go duct tape him to the flag pole.

duct duct-tape flag pole tape

↓

Hey, isn't that the home-school kid's sister?

home home-school kids school school-kids sister

↓

Hi, guys!

↓

Holy cow!

holy

↓

Hey, baby, come see me later, 'kay?

baby

↓

What the-- damn, baby!

baby

↓

Hey, Kyle, wanna go make out?

kyle

↓

Rebecca... you...

rebecca

↓

Rebecca, what the devil are you doing?!

devil rebecca

↓

I'm having fun, Mark!

fun having mark

↓

Oh, goodness!

goodness

↓

You're out of control!

control

↓

You did this to my sister!

sister

↓

Uh... all I did was show her how to--

↓

You made my sister into a slut!

sister slut

↓

I'll kill you!

kill

↓

Aaaghgh!

aaaghgh

↓

You bitch!

bitch

↓

I'm gonna whoop your bitch-ass!

bitch whoop

↓

Oh my God!

↓

Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!

kicking kyle

↓

Yeah, he's a bad-ass!

↓

Alright, alright, that's enough, boys!

alright alright-alright boys

↓

I'm not through with you, bitch!

bitch

↓

Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark.

cool mark

↓

Yeah, that was real bad-ass

real

↓

how you stood up for your sister.

sister stood

↓

I'd a kicked Kyle's bitch-ass too.

bitch kicked kyles

↓

You wanna have grab some cake with me?

cake grab

↓

No, he's my friend!

friend

↓

He said he'd hang out with me!

hang

↓

They've got to be here somewhere!

↓

Hey, there's Cotswolds!

cotswolds

↓

Come on, let's duct-tape him to the flagpole!

duct duct-tape flagpole tape

↓

Yeah!

↓

Where are my children?

children

↓

I'm taking them out of this God-forsaken place!

place

↓

Calm down, Papa.

calm papa

↓

Everything is alright.

alright

↓

You see, I've learned something today.

learned today

↓

Public schools may be a bit lacking in education,

education public public-schools schools

↓

but it's the main place where children learn

children learn main place

↓

all of their social skills.

skills social

↓

You can't teach a child social skills,

child skills social teach

↓

they have to learn them themselves,

learn

↓

and the only place to do that is on the playground

place playground

↓

in the cafeteria and so on.

cafeteria

↓

Don't you see, Papa?

papa

↓

That's what happened to your daughter.

daughter happened

↓

You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual,

hard sexual tried

↓

and now look at her, she's a Goddamned whore, Papa!

goddamned papa whore

↓

Wow, she sure is.

↓

I know letting your kids out into the world is scary.

kids letting scary world

↓

I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us.

happen wish

↓

But bad things will happen,

happen

↓

and we have to start learning now

learning start

↓

how to deal with those things.

deal

↓

Mark... you're absolutely right...

absolutely mark

↓

Okay, children, if it's what you want,

children

↓

you can start going to public school!

public public-school school start

↓

Alright!

alright

↓

Nice speech, nerd-o.

nerd speech

↓

Thanks, gay wad.

thanks

↓

Now you're getting it!

↓

Well, come on guys, if I'm not mistaken

mistaken

↓

we still have someone to duct-tape to the flag pole!

duct duct-tape flag pole tape

↓

Hooray!

hooray

↓

What?!

↓

See ya, Papa!

papa

↓

Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids.

glad kids learned today

↓

Now let's dance!

dance

↓

♪ Holy diver ♪

diver holy

↓

♪ You've been down too long in the midnight sea ♪

midnight

↓

♪ Oh what's becoming of me ♪

becoming

↓

♪ Like the tiger ♪

tiger

↓

♪ You can see his stripes but you know he's clean ♪

clean stripes

↓

♪ Oh, don't you see what I mean ♪

↓

♪ Gotta get away ♪

↓

♪ Holy diver... ♪♪

diver holy