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Home » South Park » S02E11 — Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods

South Park

Season 2, Episode 11 — Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods

TMDB episode metadata

Show: South Park

Episode title: Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods

Air date: September 02, 1998

Director: Trey Parker

Top billed cast: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Isaac Hayes, Mary Kay Bergman, Jennifer Howell

The kids go on a field trip to the planetarium. All of the children except Cartman are acting weird. As usual Stan and Kyle, with Kenny's sacrifice, try to get to bottom of the mystery. Meanwhile, Cartman wins an appearance on a snack commercial. The four boys get to the root of the strange planetarium.

Source: TMDB

↓

Hello, everyone. I'm Trey Parker.

parker trey trey-parker

↓

And I'm Matt Stone, and we're doing what we do best...

best matt matt-stone stone

↓

Bakin' bacon with Macon!

bacon macon

↓

That's right, and here to help us

↓

is our old buddy, Macon.

buddy macon

↓

Nobody likes bakin' bacon more than Macon.

bacon likes macon nobody nobody-likes

↓

That's true, if someone's bakin' bacon,

bacon someones

↓

Macon's heart starts breaking if he's forsaken.

breaking heart macons starts

↓

Well, today we're gonna make a bacon dish

bacon dish today

↓

that you kids can all make at home,

home kids

↓

Western Iowa Bacon Casserole.

bacon casserole iowa western

↓

First off, let's cook the bacon.

bacon cook

↓

Butter.

butter

↓

Bacon. Salt.

bacon salt

↓

Mmm, that smells good.

smells

↓

You like that, Macon?

macon

↓

You better give Macon his treat.

macon treat

↓

Oh, right.

↓

Now, what we've done for Macon is,

macon

↓

we've taken some bacon

bacon taken

↓

and we've wrapped it around some pork sausages.

pork sausages wrapped

↓

This is one of Macon's favorite treats.

favorite macons treats

↓

All right, buddy. Here you go, here you go.

buddy

↓

Yeah!

↓

Come on, come on.

↓

Once the bacon is done, we chop it up

bacon chop

↓

and then get a casserole dish

casserole dish

↓

where we add our other ingredients.

ingredients

↓

That's right.

↓

Frozen hash browns on the bottom.

bottom browns frozen hash

↓

Bacon in the middle.

bacon middle

↓

Some processed cheese item.

cheese item

↓

More bacon. - More bacon.

bacon

↓

- And then we're gonna top it all off with bacon.

bacon

↓

Now, we're gonna bake this for 30 minutes at 450 degrees.

bake degrees minutes

↓

And while we're waiting, let's watch

waiting watch

↓

our favorite episode of "South Park."

episode favorite favorite-episode park south south-park

↓

It's all about the boys' haunting trip

boys haunting trip

↓

to the planetarium and Cartman's quest to be a star.

cartmans planetarium quest star

↓

That's right, you know, most people don't know it,

↓

but this episode is actually a parody

episode

↓

of an old "Star Trek" episode called "Dagger of the Mind."

called dagger episode mind star star-trek trek

↓

And so that's why we decided to call this episode

decided episode

↓

"Roger Ebert Should Eat Less Fatty Foods."

fatty foods less roger

↓

Enjoy the show, and we'll be back

enjoy

↓

with Western Idaho Bacon Casserole.

bacon casserole idaho western

↓

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

↓

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

faces friendly friendly-faces

↓

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

folks humble humble-folks temptation

↓

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

behind woes woes-behind

↓

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

ample ample-parking night parking

↓

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

howdy howdy-neighbor neighbor spouting spouting-howdy spouting-howdy-neighbor

↓

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

headed park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

unwind

↓

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

friends meet

↓

Well, Detective, it looks like you fooled them again.

detective fooled

↓

All in a day's work, I guess.

days

↓

I just hope that next time I don't have to run so much.

hope

↓

Okay, children, what do you think

children

↓

Barnaby Jones meant when he said,

barnaby barnaby-jones jones meant

↓

"This is not a victimless crime"?

crime

↓

Anybody?

anybody

↓

Children, were you paying attention?

attention children paying paying-attention

↓

Mr. Garrison, we've been watching

garrison watching

↓

"Barnaby Jones" repeats for eight days now.

barnaby barnaby-jones days eight eight-days jones

↓

It's hard to keep paying attention.

attention hard paying paying-attention

↓

Oh, well, excuse me, Kyle.

excuse kyle

↓

Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?

barnaby barnaby-jones forget jones

↓

Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones,

attention barnaby barnaby-jones jones

↓

and then let's see how far you get in society.

society

↓

Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us

stanley

↓

how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?

barnaby barnaby-jones jones milk poison

↓

Can't we just be like normal third graders

graders normal third

↓

for a little while?

↓

Oh, and what do you consider normal?

consider normal

↓

I don't know, like learn about art and music

learn music

↓

and go on field trips and stuff.

field stuff trips

↓

Yeah! - Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants,

pants smarty smarty-pants

↓

it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow.

field field-trip happens tomorrow trip

↓

Hooray! - To where?

hooray

↓

To the planetarium.

planetarium

↓

Aww!

↓

Planetariums suck.

suck

↓

Oh, now, what's wrong with a planetarium?

planetarium

↓

It's boring.

boring

↓

Yeah, all the constellations look alike.

alike

↓

Well, too bad, you're all going

↓

to the planetarium tomorrow, and you're all gonna love it.

love planetarium tomorrow

↓

In the meantime, we're gonna watch episode #203,

episode meantime watch

↓

"Barnaby Under Siege."

barnaby

↓

Oh, sorry, I taped these at home,

home taped

↓

so there's more commercials.

commercials

↓

Hey, kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?

cheesy cheesy-poofs kids love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

Yes.

↓

Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid

cheesy cheesy-poofs looking poofs

↓

to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song.

cheesy cheesy-poofs cheesy-poofs-song happy poofs poofs-song sing song

↓

Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.

country talent watch

↓

I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!

cheesy cheesy-poofs cheesy-poofs-song poofs poofs-song sing song

↓

If you win, you could be picked

picked

↓

to be in our next Cheesy Poof commercial.

cheesy cheesy-poof commercial poof

↓

So remember... ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs remember

↓

♪ You love "Cheesy Poofs" ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ We'd be lame ♪

lame

↓

Okay, children, let's quiet down

children quiet

↓

so the nice bus driver

driver

↓

can concentrate on the road.

concentrate road

↓

That ain't how you do it! You do it like this!

aint

↓

Sit down and shut up!

↓

Ow, Jesus, lady!

jesus lady

↓

Whoa! - This is the planetarium!

planetarium whoa

↓

Watch your step on the way down so as not to hurt yourselves!

hurt step watch yourselves

↓

Ow.

↓

Okay, children, now, I'm going to remind you

children remind

↓

that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel.

planetarium

↓

Let's behave ourselves.

behave

↓

Does your child have what it takes

child takes

↓

to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?

anthem cheesy cheesy-poofs poofs singer

↓

Hey, there it is!

↓

We're going around the country

country

↓

to find the kid who can sing

sing

↓

the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.

anybody cheesy cheesy-poofs cheesy-poofs-song poofs poofs-song song

↓

I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song

cheesy cheesy-poofs cheesy-poofs-song poofs poofs-song sing song

↓

with both hands tied behind my back.

behind hands tied

↓

- You couldn't get both your arms behind your back, fat-ass.

arms behind

↓

Come on, Eric, we're going to the planetarium.

eric planetarium

↓

But I have to go sing the Cheesy Poofs song

cheesy cheesy-poofs cheesy-poofs-song poofs poofs-song sing song

↓

for that talent van!

talent

↓

No, you have to go in this building

building

↓

and see a bunch of stupid stars, now, come on.

bunch stars stupid

↓

Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams.

adams children name

↓

Welcome to the planet-arium.

arium planet planet-arium welcome

↓

I thought it was planetarium?

planetarium

↓

Well, it is, but I have a bone disease

bone disease

↓

which impedes my ability

ability

↓

to pronounce the "T" in planet-arium.

arium planet planet-arium pronounce

↓

That's a pretty weird bone disease.

bone disease weird

↓

Yes, perhaps someday I can get a bone marrow transplant.

bone bone-marrow marrow perhaps someday transplant

↓

Yes, little boy?

↓

How long is that Cheesy Poof van gonna be outside?

cheesy cheesy-poof poof

↓

Well, I don't know, but anyway, boys and girls,

boys girls

↓

soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe.

universe wonders

↓

But first I want to show you how the planet-arium works.

arium planet planet-arium works

↓

As if we care?

care

↓

Hey, who are you?

↓

Little Missy here runs the big projector for us.

missy projector runs

↓

I love my work.

love

↓

Wow, dude, you're only as old as us.

↓

Shouldn't you be in school? - I love my work.

love school

↓

Come on, let's get into the planet-arium, shall we?

arium planet planet-arium

↓

Good morning, children, and welcome to the planet-arium.

arium children morning planet planet-arium welcome

↓

We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe.

fascinating ride universe

↓

So I want you to lean back

lean

↓

in your chairs and get comfortable.

chairs comfortable

↓

This is stupid.

stupid

↓

And now I'm going to dim the lights

lights

↓

and let the stars... come out.

stars

↓

Whoopee.

whoopee

↓

Here we see the constellation called the Big Dipper.

called constellation

↓

If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...

drawing project

↓

we see where this constellation gets its name.

constellation name

↓

These stars over here form the constellation

constellation form stars

↓

of Taurus, the bull.

bull

↓

While these stars form the constellation Roger Ebert.

constellation form roger stars

↓

And these two little stars over here

stars

↓

form the constellation the Crusades.

constellation form

↓

Now, stars are actually made of hot gas,

stars

↓

which is exactly what comes out of--

comes

↓

Ah, man, screw this.

screw

↓

And now breathe deep as the stars

breathe deep stars

↓

slowly start to move in little circles.

circles slowly start

↓

I know you think planet-ariums are boring,

boring planet

↓

but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.

change

↓

♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ We'd be lame ♪

lame

↓

That was great, Tommy!

tommy

↓

Tommy Frets from Torey Pines.

tommy

↓

He could be our winner.

winner

↓

Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass.

believe excuse sucked

↓

Oh, and what's your name, little boy?

name

↓

Eric Cartman.

cartman eric eric-cartman

↓

All right, here's Eric Cartman

cartman eric eric-cartman

↓

giving it a shot.

giving shot

↓

♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ We'd be... lame! ♪

lame

↓

♪ I'm talking "Night Court ♪

court night

↓

♪ In its fifth season" lame... ♪

fifth lame season

↓

Wow! - That's right, suck on that.

suck

↓

Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?

kids planetarium

↓

Oh, man, I don't feel so good.

↓

Me neither! But I loved the planetarium.

loved planetarium

↓

Me too. It was sweet.

sweet

↓

Really? What did you like best about it?

best

↓

I don't know.

↓

I don't even remember what happened.

happened remember

↓

Wait a minute, where is Eric?

eric minute

↓

I did it! I did it! - Did what?

↓

I got a callback for the Cheesy Poofs song!

cheesy cheesy-poofs cheesy-poofs-song poofs poofs-song song

↓

You snuck off and sang that stupid song?

sang snuck song stupid

↓

Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!

finals tomorrow

↓

Good-bye, children. Thanks for visiting.

children thanks visiting

↓

Don't forget, we have laser rock shows

forget laser rock shows

↓

at night here at the planet-arium.

arium night planet planet-arium

↓

This week it's laser Kenny Loggins and laser James Taylor.

james kenny laser taylor week

↓

My head still feels funny. - Yeah, mine too.

feels funny head

↓

Hey, guys, when I'm doing the Cheesy Poof commercials,

cheesy cheesy-poof commercials poof

↓

I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.

cheesy cheesy-poofs free poofs

↓

Like you really need it, hippo ass.

hippo

↓

It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle.

jealous kyle

↓

It really is.

↓

Whoa, dude, who the hell are you?

whoa

↓

My... name... is... Van Gelder.

name

↓

Van Gelder? What the hell are you doing on our bus?

↓

Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid

freaky garrison

↓

from the planetarium on our bus!

planetarium

↓

Oh, great, well, I guess we have to go back.

↓

No! Don't go back! No!

↓

Hey, be careful, asshole.

asshole careful

↓

Don't take me back there! Can't! Can't!

↓

All right, dude. Mellow out! Jeez.

jeez mellow

↓

We better get him to the nurse's office, stat.

nurses nurses-office office stat

↓

Ah! The planetarium!

planetarium

↓

I'll give him a painkiller. That should calm him down.

calm

↓

No! No painkiller! I'll be okay.

↓

Okay, Van Gelder?

↓

Mm-kay, I'm Counselor Mackey.

counselor mackey

↓

Have you been smoking mari-ju-ana?

mari smoking

↓

Mari-ju-ana's bad, mm-kay?

mari

↓

Must tell... the machine...

machine must

↓

the machine is...

machine

↓

I've never seen anything like this.

seen

↓

What do you think, Principal?

principal

↓

Well, whatever happened to him,

happened

↓

happened at the planetarium.

happened planetarium

↓

Ah! Planetarium! - I think tonight

planetarium tonight

↓

the planetarium's doing laser Loggins.

laser

↓

I might have to check it out.

check might

↓

♪ I'm turning it loose ♪

loose turning

↓

♪ Footloose ♪

↓

♪ Kick off the Sunday shoes ♪

kick shoes sunday

↓

Oh, man, this is boring!

boring

↓

Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?

finds heck interesting stuff

↓

Dude, this is totally killer.

killer

↓

I hope this goes on for, like, seven months, man.

hope months seven

↓

♪ Come on before we crack ♪

crack

↓

You will not remember what happens here.

happens remember

↓

To remember it will cause incredible pain.

incredible pain remember

↓

Incredible pain!

incredible pain

↓

Incredible, icky pain!

icky incredible pain

↓

Dude, I'm totally tripping. - Dude, this is totally killer.

killer tripping

↓

Okay, children, today we're going to learn

children learn today

↓

all about Japanese poems called "haiku."

called haiku japanese poems

↓

A haiku is just like a normal American poem

american haiku normal poem

↓

except that it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.

except rhyme stupid

↓

For example... uh, where's Eric Cartman?

cartman eric eric-cartman example

↓

That's a haiku? - No, I'm asking why

asking haiku

↓

Eric Cartman isn't at school. - Oh.

cartman eric eric-cartman school

↓

Was he on the school bus this morning?

morning school

↓

No.

↓

♪ Fat ass Cartman was ♪

cartman

↓

♪ Not on the school bus today ♪

school today

↓

♪ What a big fat turd ♪

turd

↓

Oh, very good haiku, Kyle.

haiku kyle

↓

Yes, haikus have five syllables,

five

↓

then seven, then five.

five seven

↓

Kenny, can you give us another example?

another example kenny

↓

What's a discharge?

discharge

↓

Mr. Garrison, since haikus suck so much ass,

garrison suck

↓

can we go back to the planetarium again?

planetarium

↓

Yeah, I want to go to the planetarium again, too.

planetarium

↓

But you were just there.

↓

Why do you want to go again so soon?

↓

Yeah, why do we want to go again so soon?

↓

I don't know.

↓

I just have this sudden urge to go back.

sudden urge

↓

Well, I guess we could go again,

↓

since it's just down the street.

street

↓

Well, hello!

↓

It's all my little friends,

friends

↓

with all their little dreams.

dreams

↓

Eric, where have you been?

eric

↓

Let's see, where have I been? Where have I been?

↓

Where have you been, Cartman?

cartman

↓

Well, I might have been over

might

↓

at the Cheesy Poof callback

cheesy cheesy-poof poof

↓

winning regional championships!

regional winning

↓

This is my regional championship certificate.

certificate championship regional

↓

Do you like it?

↓

Hey, Where's your regional champion certificate, Clyde?

certificate champion clyde regional

↓

Oh, you don't have one?

↓

Hmm... do you have a regional certificate, Wendy?

certificate regional wendy

↓

No? Apparently, only I do!

apparently

↓

♪ Ass full of pork fat ♪

full pork

↓

♪ Jiggles like a Jell-O mold ♪

jell mold

↓

♪ Mouth is flapping too ♪

flapping mouth

↓

Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle.

effect haiku insults kyle

↓

I'm regional champion.

champion regional

↓

Does that mean you're gonna be in

↓

that Cheesy Poof commercial?

cheesy cheesy-poof commercial poof

↓

It's between me and four other kids.

four kids

↓

I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.

finals

↓

♪ I bet you don't win ♪

↓

♪ They don't let big fat asses ♪

asses

↓

♪ Perform on TV ♪

perform

↓

Very good, Kyle. - ♪ Shut your goddamn mouth ♪

goddamn kyle mouth

↓

♪ Or else I'm gonna... kick you ♪

kick

↓

♪ Square in the balls... asshole ♪

asshole balls square

↓

Oh, damn it!

↓

How's he doing, nurse?

nurse

↓

He's stable, but I still can't get

stable

↓

any information out of him.

information

↓

I'm gonna sedate him now.

↓

No! No drugs!

drugs

↓

Drugs are good, mm-kay?

drugs

↓

Don't let them go... planetarium!

planetarium

↓

Why, Van Gelder?

↓

The machine... the machine is--

machine

↓

The machine is... ah?

machine

↓

That's probably bad.

↓

- He's been talking about "the machine" for hours.

hours machine

↓

That and Daisy Fuentes.

daisy

↓

Why? Why, "America's Funniest Home Videos," why?

americas funniest home home-videos videos

↓

There's only one way to get any sense out of him.

sense

↓

We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mm-kay?

mind

↓

A what?

↓

It's an ancient technique handed down

ancient handed technique

↓

from school counselor to school counselor.

counselor school school-counselor

↓

I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.

hope

↓

Well, what will you need?

↓

Just time to prepare, Nurse.

nurse prepare

↓

Just time.

↓

Mm-kay?

↓

Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.

children glad learn

↓

They just begged to come back.

begged

↓

I couldn't get them to shut up about it.

↓

- Well, I'm sure we're gonna have a marvelous time.

marvelous

↓

Won't we, children?

children

↓

Yes.

↓

This way, please. - Enjoy your visit.

enjoy visit

↓

Billions of stars and billions of galaxies

billions stars

↓

make up our universe.

universe

↓

Here you see Polaris, the Dog Star.

star

↓

I'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee.

step

↓

Certainly, Mr. Garrison.

certainly garrison

↓

You love the planetarium!

love planetarium

↓

To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain.

causes horrible pain planetarium

↓

All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive.

planetarium thrive

↓

To not do so makes your stomach ache

ache makes stomach

↓

with needle-like stab--

needle stab

↓

and right over here,

↓

we see the constellation Orion.

constellation orion

↓

Orion's Belt is made up of three stars, one of which--

belt stars three

↓

Dude, what just happened? - What do you mean?

happened

↓

Come on, we gotta get out of here

↓

before something bad happens.

happens

↓

Don't pick your nose, hon.

nose pick

↓

I wasn't picking it, I had an itch,

itch picking

↓

for crying out loud!

crying loud

↓

Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.

nervous

↓

- I don't know, there's a lot of competition here.

competition

↓

Do you think I might win, Mommy?

might mommy

↓

I hope so, honey-- then, perhaps,

honey hope perhaps

↓

we can eat for a little while.

↓

- Hey, look, they're giving away bread outside!

bread giving

↓

Did you hear that, Mommy? - Come on!

mommy

↓

Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!

food perhaps stomachs

↓

Psych!

psych

↓

What the hell are you boys doing?

boys

↓

You're supposed to be in there.

supposed

↓

Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is--

garrison planetarium

↓

Shh.

↓

Good-bye, children. Thanks for coming.

children coming thanks

↓

I want to go again. I want to go again!

↓

- Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde, you just went.

clyde petes petes-sake sake

↓

Well, Clyde, if you like the planet-arium so much,

arium clyde planet planet-arium

↓

perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.

perhaps volunteer

↓

Yes. Yes, please.

↓

Me too! - Me too!

↓

I want to do it! - Yeah, me too.

↓

Mr. Garrison? - Well, I guess I could

garrison

↓

give 'em extra credit for it.

credit extra extra-credit

↓

Excellent! Why don't we step over here,

excellent step

↓

and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.

children volunteer

↓

Dude, this isn't right. - What?

↓

We're kids, dude.

kids

↓

We don't volunteer for anything.

volunteer

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Come on, we gotta see what's going on in there.

↓

Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.

control operates panel stars

↓

Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.

kenny

↓

He hits this switch.

hits switch

↓

You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.

bunch stars

↓

Yeah, I guess so.

↓

What does that do? - I don't know.

↓

Kenny, what's it doing?

kenny

↓

This says "maximum."

maximum

↓

Oh, my God! We've killed Kenny!

kenny killed killed-kenny

↓

We're bastards!

bastards

↓

Dude, I told you something was up with this place.

place

↓

We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!

quick somebody

↓

G-O.

↓

♪ G-O, and Bingo was his name-o ♪

bingo name

↓

♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪

bingo farmer name

↓

O.

↓

♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪

bingo name

↓

♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪

bingo farmer name

↓

Ing.

↓

♪ And Bingo was his name-o! ♪

bingo name

↓

Thank you, uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.

peter

↓

Next will be, uh, Eric Theodore Cartman.

cartman eric

↓

Hello, everybody.

everybody

↓

Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.

rehearsed

↓

I know, I know.

↓

♪ She works hard for the money! ♪

hard money works

↓

♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪

hard honey

↓

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

hard money works

↓

♪ So you better treat her right ♪

treat

↓

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

hard money works

↓

♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪

hard honey

↓

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

hard money works

↓

♪ So you better treat her right! ♪

treat

↓

Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.

cartman certainly eric eric-cartman insane

↓

Thank you. - We'll let you know.

↓

Thank you. Don't pick your nose, hon.

nose pick

↓

I'm not picking it, Ma! God damn it, I have an itch!

itch picking

↓

Jesus, where do we find these people?

jesus

↓

Our minds are one, mm-kay?

minds

↓

Our thoughts are one, mm-kay?

thoughts

↓

This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

seen

↓

Please, Nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head,

dead dead-fetus fetus head nurse woman

↓

you're not being very open-minded.

minded open open-minded

↓

Open your mind to your counselor.

counselor mind open

↓

Open your mind.

mind open

↓

- Dr. Adams... - Yes.

adams

↓

He owns the planetarium. What about him?

owns planetarium

↓

He uses the machine.

machine uses

↓

The star machine. - Mm-kay?

machine star

↓

He uses it to erase minds.

erase minds uses

↓

But why?

↓

Planetarium about to go out of business.

business planetarium

↓

Adams has to create slaves to survive.

adams create slaves survive

↓

My God, this is amazing.

amazing

↓

Please, Nurse, you're throwing off my chi, mm-kay?

nurse throwing

↓

Well, we certainly want to congratulate all our finalists.

certainly congratulate finalists

↓

Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize,

finalists grand grand-prize prize

↓

and, unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.

cartman eric eric-cartman unfortunately

↓

Yes! I'm the best!

best

↓

You were actually our last choice,

choice

↓

but the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs

children jobs taken

↓

as volunteers at the planetarium.

planetarium volunteers

↓

That's odd. - Sweet!

sweet

↓

It appears that more and more South Park residents

appears park residents south south-park

↓

are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium.

planetarium wonder

↓

Here with a special report is a 34-year-old Asian man

asian report special

↓

who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.

similar

↓

Thanks, Tom, yes, indeed, the planetarium

indeed planetarium thanks

↓

has become very popular as word spreads

become popular spreads word

↓

that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected.

lame stupid suspected

↓

I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.

adams operator planetarium

↓

Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation

invitation open

↓

to all South Park residents

park residents south south-park

↓

to come see a special free show this evening.

evening free special

↓

I guarantee it will change the way you think

change guarantee

↓

about the planet-arium.

arium planet planet-arium

↓

So bring the whole family to the planetarium

bring family planetarium whole whole-family

↓

for a night of excitement and wonder.

excitement night wonder

↓

And then we turned the dial,

dial turned

↓

and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.

hypnosis kenny

↓

That's a pretty farfetched story, boys.

boys story

↓

But it's true, dude! - Are you boys sure

boys

↓

you're not just making this all up?

↓

Yeah, pretty sure.

↓

Well, just as soon as I handle

handle

↓

all the other crime in South Park,

crime park south south-park

↓

I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium

planetarium

↓

so I can prove that nothing's wrong.

nothings prove

↓

What other crime in South Park?

crime park south south-park

↓

Oh, yeah. Let's go.

↓

Okay, let's shoot the commercial.

commercial shoot

↓

Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?

cheesy cheesy-poof poof talent

↓

I'm over here! - Oh, you look great, hon.

↓

Mommy's fat little piggy.

mommys piggy

↓

Hey!

↓

Let's hurry. This costume is hot.

costume hurry

↓

Okay, roll camera, and... action!

action camera roll

↓

♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪ - Oh, wait! Wait!

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

You've got a little eye booger, hon.

booger

↓

Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake! - Got it!

petes petes-sake sake

↓

And... action. - ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪

action cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

Hold it! Cut!

↓

Can we get more light on that backdrop?

light

↓

Sure thing. - Oh, man, come on.

↓

Got it.

↓

Okay, here we go, and... action!

action

↓

♪ I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

Cut! - What?

↓

I'm not liking the shoes. Can we change the shoes?

change liking shoes

↓

Oh, God damn it!

↓

Oh. Hello, officer of the law.

officer

↓

Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.

operator planetarium

↓

What brings you out here?

brings

↓

Well, these boys seem to think

boys

↓

you're some kind of sick weirdo

sick weirdo

↓

that's got a master plan to screw with the minds

master minds plan screw

↓

of everyone in town.

town

↓

Oh, really?

↓

Yeah, I just thought I'd come show them around

↓

so they know there's nothing to be scared of.

scared

↓

Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.

↓

Okay, I'll be quick then.

quick

↓

Of course, Officer, come on in.

course officer

↓

Hello, children.

children

↓

Oh, no. They got Chef too!

chef

↓

Welcome to the planetarium.

planetarium welcome

↓

Well, it's nice to see you finally got

finally

↓

a real job, Chef.

chef real

↓

I love my work.

love

↓

I know what you mean.

↓

I've always loved the planetarium too.

loved planetarium

↓

Would you like to see the stars, Officer?

officer stars

↓

No! - That would be superduper!

↓

Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!

barbrady officer officer-barbrady

↓

Hello? - Hi, Grandma, it's me, Eric!

eric grandma

↓

Oh, hello, Eric!

eric

↓

Grandma sure has missed you.

grandma missed

↓

I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be

remind wanted

↓

on television tonight, so be sure to watch.

television tonight watch

↓

Oh, I will, Eric.

eric

↓

You know, I remember when I was a little girl

girl remember

↓

and had my first talent show audition--

audition talent

↓

Okay, bye.

↓

Hello, the Marshes aren't in right now.

↓

Please leave a message.

message

↓

Stan, I'm gonna be on TV tonight.

stan tonight

↓

Be sure to watch.

watch

↓

Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis.

reached

↓

Please leave a message.

message

↓

Where the hell is everybody?

everybody

↓

I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!

miss tonight

↓

And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.

called constellation

↓

Oh, neato!

↓

And now, Officer, from this moment on,

moment officer

↓

you will think that you are Elvis Presley.

elvis

↓

Oh?

↓

To not be Elvis will cause you great pain!

elvis pain

↓

Pain. - You see, children?

children pain

↓

There's no stopping me.

stopping

↓

Even your highly intelligent policemen

highly intelligent

↓

are no match for me.

match

↓

He's not highly intelligent. - Why are you doing this, dude?

highly intelligent

↓

Why? Because nowadays, kids have computers

computers kids nowadays

↓

and surround sound television.

sound surround surround-sound television

↓

They've forgotten all about planet-ariums,

forgotten planet

↓

but I'll make 'em remember, starting with the two of you!

remember starting

↓

"Terrence and Phillip" will be right back

phillip terrence

↓

after these announcements.

announcements

↓

Oh, dude, here it comes!

comes

↓

Packed full of ingredients,

full ingredients packed

↓

Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up!

cheesy cheesy-poofs pick poofs quick

↓

So remember: ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs remember

↓

♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.

lame

↓

And now back to "Terrence and Phillip."

phillip terrence

↓

Yes! Yes, that was me!

↓

I was on television!

television

↓

Aha! Caught you red-handed, mm-kay?

caught handed

↓

Mr. Mackey! - Officer Barbrady.

barbrady mackey officer officer-barbrady

↓

This man is using some kind of mind control.

control mind using

↓

What's wrong with him?

↓

Oh, no, apparently he thinks he's Charlton Heston.

apparently thinks

↓

No, you idiot. He thinks he's Elvis.

elvis idiot thinks

↓

Elvis, escort our guests to the planet-arium.

arium elvis escort guests planet planet-arium

↓

Folks, if you wouldn't mind,

folks mind

↓

could you please follow me?

follow

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

Well, let's begin, shall we?

begin

↓

And now you will remember nothing

remember

↓

except that the planet-arium

arium except planet planet-arium

↓

is the best thing you've ever known.

best known

↓

Well, well, well, you guys can all kiss my ass

kiss

↓

because I was on television!

television

↓

Hey, didn't you guys hear? I was on television!

television

↓

You missed it!

missed

↓

You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!

missed planetarium stupid

↓

Planetariums suck ass!

suck

↓

Ugh... ugh!

↓

Cartman, you saved us!

cartman saved

↓

The hell are you talking about?

↓

Get over here and untie us.

untie

↓

Eric, you really saved the day, mm-kay?

eric saved

↓

Not so fast there, tubby.

fast tubby

↓

I'm just taking care of business.

business care

↓

Think hard, Elvis.

elvis hard

↓

You're not really the king of rock 'n' roll.

king rock roll

↓

You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman

policeman stupid worthless

↓

in a small town, mm-kay?

town

↓

Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, Counselor!

counselor death fate worse

↓

Oh, my God! Dr. Adams!

adams

↓

He got a full dose of the stars.

dose full stars

↓

Yeah, with nobody around to say anything.

nobody

↓

Can you imagine it, Stan?

imagine stan

↓

A mind emptied by that thing?

emptied mind

↓

Wow, what a day this has been.

↓

I was on TV, and I'm a hero!

hero

↓

Don't pick your nose, hon!

nose pick

↓

God damn it, Ma! I wasn't picking it!

picking

↓

I had an itch!

itch

↓

♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs love love-cheesy love-cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪

cheesy cheesy-poofs poofs

↓

♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.

lame