Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E07 — The Gang Exploits a Miracle

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 7 — The Gang Exploits a Miracle

DENNIS: Most people would agree. DEE: I don't agree.

#1

⇓

- Will you look at your skin? - I am. What's the matter with it?

#2

⇓

- It's all blotchy. - How's it blotchy? I don't see it.

#3

⇓

Dad, look at Sweet Dee's skin and tell me that it's not all blotchy?

#4

⇓

Do I have to listen to this shit all morning?

#5

⇓

Frank, you've gotta be kidding with these receipts.

#6

⇓

We were actually doing better before you took over.

#7

⇓

Hey! Hey! What's up, guys? (sniffs) I didn't hear you guys come in.

#8

⇓

Uh, you know, I was actually in here early opening up this morning.

#9

⇓

We had an agreement. This is a place of business, not your home.

#10

⇓

Uh, yeah, I know that.

#11

⇓

Not supposed to sleep in the bar anymore, bro.

#12

⇓

- I wasn't. - You didn't come home last night.

#13

⇓

Oh, okay, okay. Well, guess what?

#14

⇓

I found some extensive water damage in the back office.

#15

⇓

- What? - Yeah, maybe I'm not such a bad guy

#16

⇓

for passing out in there and drinking too much or whatever.

#17

⇓

- That's a terrible excuse, dude. - I drank too much, so lay off.

#18

⇓

Holy shit! Guys, come here! Come here! Check this out!

#19

⇓

Look!

#20

⇓

- What? - What?

#21

⇓

That is the Virgin Mary.

#22

⇓

CHARLIE: What? - Oh, take it easy, bro.

#23

⇓

No, look. The head and the arms and the cape.

#24

⇓

- Does look like it. Weird. - I don't see it.

#25

⇓

What if it's a sign? You guys, remember, I wanted to be a priest.

#26

⇓

That's a water stain, dude.

#27

⇓

Or it could be a sign that we need to get our pipes fixed.

#28

⇓

What if it's a miracle? (arguing)

#29

⇓

Listen. It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit.

#30

⇓

There's only one thing we know for sure.

#31

⇓

- What's that? - It's a goddamn gold mine.

#32

⇓

Well, I'll tell you, Jim. I was in the back office,

#33

⇓

and I'd just finished praying on my rosaries.

#34

⇓

And I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs.

#35

⇓

And that's when I saw it.

#36

⇓

And I thought to myself,

#37

⇓

"That is definitely the mother of our Lord."

#38

⇓

Did my face look fat?

#39

⇓

Yeah.

#40

⇓

No, don't, don't screw with me here.

#41

⇓

- Seriously. It's just the TV, yes? - No, it's been looking fat.

#42

⇓

So if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer,

#43

⇓

come on down to Paddy's Pub. We got 'em both.

#44

⇓

Welcome to Paddy's Pub, home of the Blessed Mother.

#45

⇓

- Would you care to make a donation? - How much should I give?

#46

⇓

Well, what price can one put on the viewing of a miracle?

#47

⇓

Give whatever you can.

#48

⇓

These people are pathetic.

#49

⇓

Yeah, Dad, I really don't feel very good about what we're doing in here.

#50

⇓

Well, don't get all high-and-mighty on me.

#51

⇓

I only made $4, Deandra. I think I can live with myself.

#52

⇓

Let's move, lady. We got a whole long line here.

#53

⇓

Don't be selfish. All right. Rollin' on in.

#54

⇓

This is one of the more ridiculous things we have ever done, dude.

#55

⇓

Ridiculous is taking advantage of the mother of God.

#56

⇓

Are you kidding me? That is a water stain, man.

#57

⇓

We are really pushing our luck with the big guy upstairs on this one.

#58

⇓

Dude, if you don't think you're already going to hell,

#59

⇓

you need to take a long look at yourself.

#60

⇓

- Go look at yourself, bro. - Okay, I'll do that.

#61

⇓

Yeah, do it. MAN: Dee Reynolds?

#62

⇓

Oh, wow. It is you. Matthew Mara.

#63

⇓

We were in physical therapy together twice a week after school.

#64

⇓

I was the only other person in physical therapy with you.

#65

⇓

- Huh. - I wore the giant leg braces.

#66

⇓

Oh, my God. Yeah, with the leg braces.

#67

⇓

- Wow. You look different. - Yeah, so do you.

#68

⇓

- No more back brace, I see. - Uh-uh.

#69

⇓

- You look wonderful. Yeah. - Oh.

#70

⇓

MAC: Matty Mara? - Hello, Mac.

#71

⇓

I knew it! I called it from across the bar,

#72

⇓

even without the cripple braces. - So, what? You're a priest now?

#73

⇓

Wow! Look at you. Little Matty Mara all grown up, huh?

#74

⇓

Hey, Dennis, little Matty Mara's here. The priest.

#75

⇓

Hey, you come to witness the miracle for yourself?

#76

⇓

Miracle's a strong word, Mac.

#77

⇓

We don't just throw that around like a football.

#78

⇓

- Well, you should. - I just came out of curiosity.

#79

⇓

See what you had at this bar of yours.

#80

⇓

You have to admit it's her, dude.

#81

⇓

- Well, it's quite a likeness. MAC: Yeah. You think it's a sign?

#82

⇓

No, I think it's a stain.

#83

⇓

But, uh, it's an interesting stain. I'll give you that.

#84

⇓

- Hey, Matty. - Hello, Dennis. How are you?

#85

⇓

I've been better. I've been better. Let me ask you a question, man. Um.

#86

⇓

I know it's been years since we've seen each other,

#87

⇓

but does my face look fat to you?

#88

⇓

Well, we've all put on a few pounds since high school, so...

#89

⇓

Of course. Of course. But I don't look fat though, right?

#90

⇓

Um, no.

#91

⇓

- What did we call you in school? - Rickety Cricket, dude!

#92

⇓

That's right. Rickety Crickety Legs. (creaking)

#93

⇓

(creaking)

#94

⇓

Hey, remember how you would pass out at parties,

#95

⇓

and Dennis would tea-bag you? - Yeah, then I would take the photo.

#96

⇓

- We'd pass it around the school. - We'd pass it around the school.

#97

⇓

- That was so funny. - Everybody loved the photos, Matty.

#98

⇓

Hey, you still get balls-to-the-chin cracks?

#99

⇓

No. Actually, that was a long time ago.

#100

⇓

- It would be funnier as a priest. - Oh, my God. Those pictures.

#101

⇓

You don't understand how much everybody loved those.

#102

⇓

- My balls on your chin. - Everybody loved you, man.

#103

⇓

I think people still have copies. There's a lot floating around.

#104

⇓

- I saw them on the Internet! - You were, like, famous in school.

#105

⇓

Yeah, practically. Practically.

#106

⇓

- I got a shoe box of those things. - That's partially our doing.

#107

⇓

Well, let's, let's... I should get going, so, um...

#108

⇓

MAC: Okay. - Hey, hey. Check it out though.

#109

⇓

Um, why did you pause before you said "no" earlier?

#110

⇓

I'm sorry?

#111

⇓

Well, earlier when I asked you if my face looked fat, you kind of paused.

#112

⇓

I'm not sure.

#113

⇓

Uh, listen, Dee, it was great seeing you again.

#114

⇓

- Oh, yeah. You too. - Gentlemen.

#115

⇓

- Cricket. - Later, Cricks.

#116

⇓

- See you, Rickety Crickety. CHARLIE: I love that guy.

#117

⇓

- How do you know the priest? - We went to high school with him.

#118

⇓

We should get him to bless the stain.

#119

⇓

- Why? - This could be huge, Charlie.

#120

⇓

I mean, endorsement from the Catholic Church.

#121

⇓

No. No. See, you guys are taking this thing way too far.

#122

⇓

You know what I'm gonna do? Wash my hands of it.

#123

⇓

Washing my hands of the whole situation, Lord.

#124

⇓

He will smite you all. God will smite you all!

#125

⇓

Okay, uh, we should do it soon though

#126

⇓

because the pipe might leak a little more.

#127

⇓

The stain could fade. You think this priest would help you guys?

#128

⇓

I think Dee could get him to do it.

#129

⇓

- What? Why me? - Oh, "Why me?" she says.

#130

⇓

The guy was in love with her. He would do anything for her.

#131

⇓

No.

#132

⇓

All right. Remember the time you said you'd kiss him

#133

⇓

f he ate a horse turd? - He ate the whole turd.

#134

⇓

The guy eats the wholething. Then she doesn't kiss him 'cause she said

#135

⇓

his breath smelled like shit. - His breath smelled like shit.

#136

⇓

- That's my girl. - It didn't really happen like that.

#137

⇓

No. He ate the whole turd, and then she wouldn't kiss him.

#138

⇓

Hey, Dee, come on. This would be really good for the bar.

#139

⇓

No. Screw you guys. No way. I'm not doing that.

#140

⇓

That's a bad attitude. FRANK: Oh, you know what?

#141

⇓

I think the priest may not do it because she's getting a little old.

#142

⇓

Oh! Yeah. DEE: What is that?

#143

⇓

- Yeah, your skin's all blotchy. - No, it's not.

#144

⇓

He's not gonna do it. You got the crow's feet.

#145

⇓

- No, I don't. - You're getting the lines there.

#146

⇓

- Mmm. Fivehead. - Laugh lines.

#147

⇓

You know what? You guys are such assholes.

#148

⇓

I'm gonna see what I can do.

#149

⇓

Matthew, hi.

#150

⇓

Dee. Wow. What a nice surprise. What brings you here?

#151

⇓

The guys and needed somebody to bless that stain in our bar.

#152

⇓

(chuckles)

#153

⇓

- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

#154

⇓

Dee, I'm not gonna bless a water stain.

#155

⇓

We don't do things like that. The Catholic Church...

#156

⇓

Oh, no, no, no. I know not them.

#157

⇓

But I was just hoping you could just do me a little favor.

#158

⇓

Dee. Okay.

#159

⇓

I realize you were able to get me to do things for you in school, but...

#160

⇓

Oh, you know what? I did.

#161

⇓

I kind of led you on a little bit back then, didn't I?

#162

⇓

But I wasn't always a tease, you know?

#163

⇓

Remember? I let you do all my math homework.

#164

⇓

Not sure I follow your logic.

#165

⇓

Well, what about that time we almost kissed?

#166

⇓

You made me eat a...

#167

⇓

Look, I'm not blessing the stain, okay?

#168

⇓

- Oh, no. Hold on a second. - The taste of that thing alone...

#169

⇓

- No, I can't imagine. - It haunts me.

#170

⇓

Of course it does. I'm sorry, okay? Forget...

#171

⇓

Forget I came by about the stain. I don't care about that anymore, okay?

#172

⇓

I just... I know you really liked me back then,

#173

⇓

and I know I wasn't very nice to you.

#174

⇓

And I think that's just because I was too stupid to realize

#175

⇓

how wonderful you are. I'm sorry.

#176

⇓

And...

#177

⇓

For the record, I think that you grew to be very handsome.

#178

⇓

You do realize you're leading me on right now? I'm a priest.

#179

⇓

- Am I? Oh, I didn't even know. - Yeah.

#180

⇓

But if you wanted to grab a drink sometime...

#181

⇓

- You're still doing it. - Oh, my God. I don't...

#182

⇓

Wow, I... I think it's just 'cause you look so handsome in...

#183

⇓

- Please leave. - Okay, I'm gonna go now.

#184

⇓

- Thank you. It would be best. - All right.

#185

⇓

- God bless. - Yeah.

#186

⇓

Would you care to make a donation

#187

⇓

n the name of Paddy's Pub to the Holy Blessed Mother?

#188

⇓

- Mm-mmm. - Hey, Charlie, this needs to stop.

#189

⇓

If you guys don't do it, I'm gonna do it myself.

#190

⇓

You're telling me. I'm sick of doing this.

#191

⇓

God is going to show his wrath, Charlie.

#192

⇓

WOMAN: Excuse me.

#193

⇓

Are you the young man to whom the Holy Mother first appear?

#194

⇓

- Yeah. - Could you bless me, please?

#195

⇓

Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.

#197

⇓

- In the name of the Father... - Right hand.

#198

⇓

... the son, Holy Spirit. Amen. - Gracias.

#199

⇓

You're welcome.

#200

⇓

Did you see that, dude? (chuckles)

#201

⇓

I just blessed that woman.

#202

⇓

I may have saved that poor, wretched old person's life.

#203

⇓

Well, I don't know about that, but, uh...

#204

⇓

This could be my calling, Charlie.

#205

⇓

What happened to "God's wrath" business, and "this has to end..."

#206

⇓

Yeah, no, don't worry about that, dude.

#207

⇓

I think this could actually be a good thing.

#208

⇓

- We could change the world. - Okay, okay. All right.

#209

⇓

New plan, all right? Let's go around, let's bless people.

#210

⇓

Well, actually, I should bless people though,

#211

⇓

but you could be my right-hand man. You could be my Peter.

#212

⇓

Oh. Okay, I'll be your Peter.

#213

⇓

Dress a little nicer though, 'cause you look like shit. (door opens)

#214

⇓

(door closes) Hey. How'd it go with the priest?

#215

⇓

- Not gonna happen. - Did you put the moves on him?

#216

⇓

First, gross. I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids.

#217

⇓

Second of all, that guy is a really good person, you know,

#218

⇓

and I've treated him like shit his whole life.

#219

⇓

For once I'm gonna do the right thing.

#220

⇓

- He thinks you're too old, huh? - Goddamn it.

#221

⇓

- Why do I speak to you, ever? - Hello.

#222

⇓

Oh, wow.

#223

⇓

What is wrong with you?

#224

⇓

Oh, well, I've been fasting for three days, so I probably look good.

#225

⇓

You haven't eaten anything for three days?

#226

⇓

- And I feel great. - Why the hell are you fasting?

#227

⇓

I thought I would get in the spirit

#228

⇓

of the religious aspect of what we got going.

#229

⇓

It's 'cause we said his face looks fat.

#230

⇓

It is not. People have been fasting for thousands of years...

#231

⇓

... for health and religious purposes.

#232

⇓

- Moses... - Fat face.

#233

⇓

Jesus and Moses in the woods and in the desert...

#234

⇓

- Please listen to me. Please. - Forget it.

#235

⇓

Yeah. All right? The priest thinks Dee's old for him.

#236

⇓

We gotta go to plan B. I know another guy who could help us.

#237

⇓

(knocking)

#238

⇓

Father O'Grady? Uh...

#239

⇓

I'm Frank Reynolds. I was in your parish.

#240

⇓

What do you want?

#241

⇓

We came to talk to you about a stain.

#242

⇓

No! Uh, wait a second. We just wanna have a few words with you.

#243

⇓

We found a stain in our bar that resembles the Virgin Mary.

#244

⇓

- Cats are brown now. - What?

#245

⇓

- The cats are brown. - What is he talking about?

#246

⇓

This guy's perfect. Let's go clean him up.

#247

⇓

(humming) #I got the Lord I got the Lord

#248

⇓

#I got the good Lord He's goin' down on me

#249

⇓

- #Down on me... I got the Lord - What are you doing?

#250

⇓

#I got the good Lord Is goin' down on me#

#251

⇓

The Lord is going down on you? What's that suppose to mean?

#252

⇓

- Why are you dress like this? - Come on. It's perfect.

#253

⇓

- Where did you get it? - I have my sources.

#254

⇓

Charlie, I told you to dress nice.

#255

⇓

We look like salt and pepper shakers.

#256

⇓

- Ah, we look good. - All right. Let's just get started.

#257

⇓

- Uum... - Mmm. (clicks tongue)

#258

⇓

Ah. Uh, excuse me, sir.

#259

⇓

- Hello. Would you like a blessing? - From who?

#260

⇓

Well, it was to me that the Virgin Mary first appeared.

#261

⇓

- I found it. - What?

#262

⇓

Well, I'm just saying I was the one who found it.

#263

⇓

Yes, but I was the one who first recognized it was the Virgin Mary.

#264

⇓

- I found it, if you want the truth. - You thought it was a stain.

#265

⇓

- I'd prefer a blessing from him. - Why?

#266

⇓

He seems a lot more religious than you.

#267

⇓

Okay, but he is my number two and doesn't really do the same...

#268

⇓

Well, maybe I could just throw you one of...

#269

⇓

Don't do it. (humming) Don't do it, Charlie. Don't do it! (sighs)

#270

⇓

- Ha! - Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

#271

⇓

Okay, feel better. You're looking better already to me.

#272

⇓

You are completely betraying me.

#273

⇓

What are you doing? You're supposed to be my Peter.

#274

⇓

You know what, dude? Hear me out for a second.

#275

⇓

Now, technically, that stain did appear to me.

#276

⇓

Also, I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is,

#277

⇓

so am I the messiah?

#278

⇓

I don't know. Could be. I'm not ruling it out.

#279

⇓

- The messiah? - I'm just not ruling it out is all.

#280

⇓

You gotta be kidding me, dude.

#281

⇓

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

#282

⇓

I knew you were gonna ruin this. God damn it.

#283

⇓

Ooh. I really wish you wouldn't take my name in vain.

#284

⇓

(humming)

#285

⇓

#I got the good Lord All up inside of me#

#286

⇓

How are we gonna get this guy to bless anything? He's out of mind.

#287

⇓

Well, I'm hoping it's mostly the booze talking.

#288

⇓

Let's find some coffee. We can sober him up.

#289

⇓

- Did you hear me? - Hmm?

#290

⇓

Dennis, I think you really gotta eat.

#291

⇓

No, I just spaced out for a second. What's up?

#292

⇓

Find some coffee. We don't have a ton of time.

#293

⇓

Here's a confession. I'm in love with a man.

#294

⇓

What?

#295

⇓

I'm in love with a man.

#296

⇓

A man called God.

#297

⇓

Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God?

#298

⇓

- You betcha. -Can I talk to you, please?

#299

⇓

- Speaketh. - In private.

#300

⇓

(chuckles) Okay.

#301

⇓

Well, congratulations, Jim Jones.

#302

⇓

You found the four people on the planet

#303

⇓

dumb enough to listen to your shit.

#304

⇓

Oh, forgive him, Lord, for he know not what he say.

#305

⇓

Give it a rest. You're not the messiah.

#306

⇓

You don't know dick about the Bible.

#307

⇓

You know, it really sounds like somebody in this room is jealous.

#308

⇓

Because it's bullshit! I'm the one that wanted to become a priest.

#309

⇓

I'm the one that knew it was Mary. The one that should have followers.

#310

⇓

- Sorry, bro. You suck at it. - You wanna have a competition?

#311

⇓

- Like what? - A toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch.

#312

⇓

Ask and ye shall receive, sucker.

#313

⇓

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

#314

⇓

It has been 10 years since my last confession.

#315

⇓

(sighs)

#316

⇓

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,

#317

⇓

what's on your mind, my dear?

#318

⇓

I'm in love with a man that I can't have, Father.

#319

⇓

And he used to love me, too, but then I was really mean to him,

#320

⇓

and now we'll never know what could have been.

#321

⇓

Well, it's too late now.

#322

⇓

He's made a commitment that can never be broken.

#323

⇓

(sighs) Let's drop this act, Matty.

#324

⇓

Listen, I think I have really strong feelings for you.

#325

⇓

- Dee, please don't do this. - You know what?

#326

⇓

It just seems like some kind of cruel joke.

#327

⇓

I mean, you wanted me once, and now that you can have me...

#328

⇓

And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really, really have me.

#329

⇓

You don't want it anymore?

#330

⇓

Well, God has a plan for everybody.

#331

⇓

- Well, that seems dumb. - Well, it's not. It's God's plan.

#332

⇓

Yeah, well, God's plan sucks this time. You know why?

#333

⇓

- 'Cause I think I love you. - Don't say that, Dee.

#334

⇓

I have to say it, and I'm gonna tell you why.

#335

⇓

Because if I don't say it, I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.

#336

⇓

Okay, maybe that's not "God's plan" or whatever. I don't care.

#337

⇓

I want you to know something. I love you.

#338

⇓

And I, I could be your wife,

#339

⇓

and I could spend the rest of my days making you happy.

#340

⇓

- Dee? - Yes.

#341

⇓

- It's me. - I know it's you.

#342

⇓

- Just please, please leave. - No, listen. Wait, wait, wait.

#343

⇓

I don't know what God wants for us, all right?

#344

⇓

But I do know God brought you into our bar,

#345

⇓

maybe that was just so I could say I'm sorry, but that sounds stupid.

#346

⇓

I don't think that's why. That's not big enough.

#347

⇓

He works bigger than that. Maybe his plan is for us to be together

#348

⇓

because he did have you come to our bar. Hey. Matty?

#349

⇓

- What? - Open the door.

#350

⇓

- No. - Matty, open the door.

#351

⇓

(sighs) I love you.

#352

⇓

- I know that. - Okay.

#353

⇓

- Say seven Hail Marys. - Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

#354

⇓

I love you.

#355

⇓

"When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look at the burning bush,

#356

⇓

"God called from within.

#357

⇓

"'Moses, come no closer! Remove your sandals, for...'"

#358

⇓

Uh, let's stop there. Why is God asking Moses to remove his sandals?

#359

⇓

Well, you didn't let me finish, dude.

#360

⇓

It's because Moses is about to walk on holy ground.

#361

⇓

- No, actually, it's not. - Yes, it is. That's the next line.

#362

⇓

"'Remove your sandals,

#363

⇓

"'for the place where you are standing is holy ground.'"

#364

⇓

But what's in between the lines?

#365

⇓

What's in between the lines is that he has to take off his damn sandals

#366

⇓

because it's sacred ground. - No! Sacred ground? Sacred ground?

#367

⇓

God doesn't worship the ground. God made the ground.

#368

⇓

And Moses is about to step near a burning bush. That is gonna be hot.

#369

⇓

God doesn't think Moses is gonna do it.

#370

⇓

"Hey, Moses, kick your shoes off.

#371

⇓

"Come on. Walk around a burning bush"?

#372

⇓

That's like asking me to take my shoes off and stand on a hot plate.

#373

⇓

I'm not gonna do it. Unless God asks me to.

#374

⇓

And then I am, just like Moses. Why? What's gonna happen to Moses?

#375

⇓

His feet aren't gonna get burned.

#376

⇓

No. God is gonna reward him with some sweet-ass shoes.

#377

⇓

It's like, "Oh. Oh. You risk your feet, you get some shoes."

#378

⇓

That's the way God works, 'cause God loves us.

#379

⇓

Trust in God, He'll give you shoes.

#380

⇓

(applauding)

#381

⇓

Are you kidding me? You're buying this crap? You...

#382

⇓

FRANK: All right. Here we go. (door closes)

#383

⇓

Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

#384

⇓

Hey. What are you guys doing? Who's this?

#385

⇓

This crazy, drunk priest...

#386

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no.

#387

⇓

You get a drink after you bless the stain.

#388

⇓

Shh! Ooh, cats! And they're brown!

#389

⇓

Oh, this guy is great. Hey, you think he'll bless me?

#390

⇓

- Love to. - Great. Hey!

#391

⇓

It's okay, Frank. Hey, everybody, gather round.

#392

⇓

This priest here is going to bless me.

#393

⇓

Then after he's finished, I will honor each and every one of you

#394

⇓

with a blessing of your own. You can take that with you.

#395

⇓

Okay, Father. Anytime you're ready.

#396

⇓

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

#397

⇓

What is wrong with you, old man?

#398

⇓

Why would you bring somebody like this into the bar? (mouthing words)

#399

⇓

Charlie, get the camcorder. The Father's gonna bless the stain.

#400

⇓

Right foot, left foot. There we go.

#401

⇓

- Dee. Dee. - Whoa. You are not lookin' good.

#402

⇓

Truth, truth. Face fat?

#403

⇓

No, you idiot. Your face is fine.

#404

⇓

I just got mad that you called mine blotchy.

#405

⇓

- Oh. (stammering) Why... - What?

#406

⇓

- Why'd you do that? - Oh, because you're a bad person.

#407

⇓

- Charlie, you got the camcorder? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.

#408

⇓

Oh, Mac, Mac. This endorsement's gonna put me over the top.

#409

⇓

Go to hell, Charlie.

#410

⇓

Oh, these people are gonna be eating out of my divine hands.

#411

⇓

These people are gonna catch on to your shit.

#412

⇓

Are they really? Hello.

#413

⇓

#When Irish eyes are smilin'

#414

⇓

- #Sure, 'tis like a... ? - No! No, get away from there!

#415

⇓

- Get him away! - Get... Back off. Oh.

#416

⇓

What did you do, you shithead? You ruined it

#417

⇓

Oh! It's gone!

#418

⇓

- Uh, no, actually, it's not gone. - It's gone!

#419

⇓

- The Virgin Mary has left us! CHARLIE: She hasn't left us!

#420

⇓

You can see the outline.

#421

⇓

She abandoned us 'cause we listen to a false prophet!

#422

⇓

- No! False... - False prophet.

#423

⇓

- That's what you are. - Hey. Where are you going?

#424

⇓

Looks like your followers are leaving you.

#425

⇓

- Don't go. - She'll come back.

#426

⇓

- Dee. - Matthew? What are you doing here?

#427

⇓

I thought about what you said, and I think you're right.

#428

⇓

I mean, in some weird way, this was God's plan for us.

#429

⇓

I mean, I had to become a priest to reconnect with you,

#430

⇓

and I had to leave the priesthood to have you.

#431

⇓

Huh?

#432

⇓

Mr. Reynolds, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

#433

⇓

- Done. - Okay, hold on one second.

#434

⇓

- Bless you. - Hold on.

#435

⇓

Did you just say that you left the priesthood?

#436

⇓

Yes! Yes, I had to.

#437

⇓

Matty, wow. You should not have done that.

#438

⇓

- What do you mean? - You gotta...

#439

⇓

You should go and undo that right now.

#440

⇓

- Uh, but you said... - Yeah, I know what I said.

#441

⇓

There were a lot of things, and I meant all of them. I did.

#442

⇓

But the thing is, I didn't know you were actually gonna leave the Church

#443

⇓

which is why I felt safe saying those things in the first place.

#444

⇓

So wait. Wait. So...

#445

⇓

- So you don't love me? - Oh, Matty.

#446

⇓

I think you are a great guy.

#447

⇓

(Mac and Charlie wincing)

#448

⇓

- My life is... My life is ruined. - No.

#449

⇓

- It's... Yes, it's ruined. - No. It's not.

#450

⇓

What about this? Why don't you go back to the priesthood?

#451

⇓

I can't, okay? (stammering) I can't.

#452

⇓

You can't just go back, Dee.

#453

⇓

"Yeah, I wanna become a priest again." You can't. Okay?

#454

⇓

But are you sure? Did you double-check that?

#455

⇓

Oh, my life is ruined. - - Hmm. So...

#456

⇓

I'm the bad person, huh?

#457

⇓

(groans)

#458

⇓

That's what you get for not eating.

#459

⇓

Hey, Cricket! You know what would make you feel better?

#460

⇓

What could possibly make me feel better?

#461

⇓

MAC: You wanna tea-bag Dennis?

#462

⇓

- I'll get the camera! - Yeah!

#463

⇓

- Polaroid, Polaroid, Polaroid. - Whoo!

#464

⇓