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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E07 — The Gang Exploits A Miracle

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 7 — The Gang Exploits A Miracle

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Exploits a Miracle

Air date: July 27, 2006

Director: Dan Attias

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Mac and Dee become uncomfortable when the rest of the guys decide to make some extra money by exploiting the similarities between a water stain and the Virgin Mary. A reunion with someone from the past, stirs up forbidden feelings within Dee.

Source: TMDB

↓

DENNIS: Most people would agree. DEE: I don't agree.

agree dennis

↓

- Will you look at your skin? - I am. What's the matter with it?

matter skin

↓

- It's all blotchy. - How's it blotchy? I don't see it.

blotchy

↓

Dad, look at Sweet Dee's skin and tell me that it's not all blotchy?

blotchy dees skin sweet sweet-dees

↓

Do I have to listen to this shit all morning?

morning

↓

Frank, you've gotta be kidding with these receipts.

frank kidding receipts

↓

We were actually doing better before you took over.

↓

Hey! Hey! What's up, guys? (sniffs) I didn't hear you guys come in.

sniffs

↓

Uh, you know, I was actually in here early opening up this morning.

early morning opening

↓

We had an agreement. This is a place of business, not your home.

agreement business home place

↓

Uh, yeah, I know that.

↓

Not supposed to sleep in the bar anymore, bro.

anymore sleep supposed

↓

- I wasn't. - You didn't come home last night.

home night

↓

Oh, okay, okay. Well, guess what?

↓

I found some extensive water damage in the back office.

damage extensive found office water

↓

- What? - Yeah, maybe I'm not such a bad guy

↓

for passing out in there and drinking too much or whatever.

drinking passing

↓

- That's a terrible excuse, dude. - I drank too much, so lay off.

drank excuse

↓

Holy shit! Guys, come here! Come here! Check this out!

check holy

↓

Look!

↓

- What? - What?

↓

That is the Virgin Mary.

mary virgin virgin-mary

↓

CHARLIE: What? - Oh, take it easy, bro.

charlie easy

↓

No, look. The head and the arms and the cape.

arms cape head

↓

- Does look like it. Weird. - I don't see it.

weird

↓

What if it's a sign? You guys, remember, I wanted to be a priest.

priest remember sign wanted

↓

That's a water stain, dude.

stain water

↓

Or it could be a sign that we need to get our pipes fixed.

fixed pipes sign

↓

What if it's a miracle? (arguing)

arguing miracle

↓

Listen. It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit.

bullshit miracle

↓

There's only one thing we know for sure.

↓

- What's that? - It's a goddamn gold mine.

goddamn gold

↓

Well, I'll tell you, Jim. I was in the back office,

office

↓

and I'd just finished praying on my rosaries.

finished praying

↓

And I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs.

crunches working

↓

And that's when I saw it.

↓

And I thought to myself,

↓

"That is definitely the mother of our Lord."

lord mother

↓

Did my face look fat?

face

↓

Yeah.

↓

No, don't, don't screw with me here.

screw

↓

- Seriously. It's just the TV, yes? - No, it's been looking fat.

looking

↓

So if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer,

beer mary virgin virgin-mary

↓

come on down to Paddy's Pub. We got 'em both.

paddys

↓

Welcome to Paddy's Pub, home of the Blessed Mother.

blessed home mother paddys welcome

↓

- Would you care to make a donation? - How much should I give?

care donation

↓

Well, what price can one put on the viewing of a miracle?

miracle price viewing

↓

Give whatever you can.

↓

These people are pathetic.

pathetic

↓

Yeah, Dad, I really don't feel very good about what we're doing in here.

↓

Well, don't get all high-and-mighty on me.

mighty

↓

I only made $4, Deandra. I think I can live with myself.

deandra live

↓

Let's move, lady. We got a whole long line here.

lady line whole

↓

Don't be selfish. All right. Rollin' on in.

rollin selfish

↓

This is one of the more ridiculous things we have ever done, dude.

ridiculous

↓

Ridiculous is taking advantage of the mother of God.

advantage mother ridiculous

↓

Are you kidding me? That is a water stain, man.

kidding stain water

↓

We are really pushing our luck with the big guy upstairs on this one.

luck pushing upstairs

↓

Dude, if you don't think you're already going to hell,

↓

you need to take a long look at yourself.

↓

- Go look at yourself, bro. - Okay, I'll do that.

↓

Yeah, do it. MAN: Dee Reynolds?

reynolds

↓

Oh, wow. It is you. Matthew Mara.

mara matthew matthew-mara

↓

We were in physical therapy together twice a week after school.

physical physical-therapy school therapy twice week

↓

I was the only other person in physical therapy with you.

person physical physical-therapy therapy

↓

- Huh. - I wore the giant leg braces.

braces giant wore

↓

Oh, my God. Yeah, with the leg braces.

braces

↓

- Wow. You look different. - Yeah, so do you.

↓

- No more back brace, I see. - Uh-uh.

brace

↓

- You look wonderful. Yeah. - Oh.

↓

MAC: Matty Mara? - Hello, Mac.

mara matty

↓

I knew it! I called it from across the bar,

called

↓

even without the cripple braces. - So, what? You're a priest now?

braces cripple priest

↓

Wow! Look at you. Little Matty Mara all grown up, huh?

grown mara matty

↓

Hey, Dennis, little Matty Mara's here. The priest.

dennis matty priest

↓

Hey, you come to witness the miracle for yourself?

miracle witness

↓

Miracle's a strong word, Mac.

miracles strong strong-word word

↓

We don't just throw that around like a football.

football throw

↓

- Well, you should. - I just came out of curiosity.

↓

See what you had at this bar of yours.

↓

You have to admit it's her, dude.

admit

↓

- Well, it's quite a likeness. MAC: Yeah. You think it's a sign?

sign

↓

No, I think it's a stain.

stain

↓

But, uh, it's an interesting stain. I'll give you that.

interesting stain

↓

- Hey, Matty. - Hello, Dennis. How are you?

dennis matty

↓

I've been better. I've been better. Let me ask you a question, man. Um.

question

↓

I know it's been years since we've seen each other,

seen years

↓

but does my face look fat to you?

face

↓

Well, we've all put on a few pounds since high school, so...

pounds school

↓

Of course. Of course. But I don't look fat though, right?

course

↓

Um, no.

↓

- What did we call you in school? - Rickety Cricket, dude!

cricket rickety rickety-cricket school

↓

That's right. Rickety Crickety Legs. (creaking)

creaking legs rickety

↓

(creaking)

creaking

↓

Hey, remember how you would pass out at parties,

parties pass remember

↓

and Dennis would tea-bag you? - Yeah, then I would take the photo.

dennis photo

↓

- We'd pass it around the school. - We'd pass it around the school.

pass school

↓

- That was so funny. - Everybody loved the photos, Matty.

everybody everybody-loved funny loved matty photos

↓

Hey, you still get balls-to-the-chin cracks?

balls chin cracks

↓

No. Actually, that was a long time ago.

↓

- It would be funnier as a priest. - Oh, my God. Those pictures.

funnier pictures priest

↓

You don't understand how much everybody loved those.

everybody everybody-loved loved

↓

- My balls on your chin. - Everybody loved you, man.

balls chin everybody everybody-loved loved

↓

I think people still have copies. There's a lot floating around.

copies floating

↓

- I saw them on the Internet! - You were, like, famous in school.

famous internet school

↓

Yeah, practically. Practically.

practically

↓

- I got a shoe box of those things. - That's partially our doing.

partially shoe

↓

Well, let's, let's... I should get going, so, um...

↓

MAC: Okay. - Hey, hey. Check it out though.

check

↓

Um, why did you pause before you said "no" earlier?

pause

↓

I'm sorry?

↓

Well, earlier when I asked you if my face looked fat, you kind of paused.

asked face looked

↓

I'm not sure.

↓

Uh, listen, Dee, it was great seeing you again.

seeing

↓

- Oh, yeah. You too. - Gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

- Cricket. - Later, Cricks.

cricket cricks

↓

- See you, Rickety Crickety. CHARLIE: I love that guy.

charlie love rickety

↓

- How do you know the priest? - We went to high school with him.

priest school

↓

We should get him to bless the stain.

bless stain

↓

- Why? - This could be huge, Charlie.

charlie huge

↓

I mean, endorsement from the Catholic Church.

catholic church

↓

No. No. See, you guys are taking this thing way too far.

↓

You know what I'm gonna do? Wash my hands of it.

hands wash

↓

Washing my hands of the whole situation, Lord.

hands lord situation washing whole whole-situation

↓

He will smite you all. God will smite you all!

smite

↓

Okay, uh, we should do it soon though

↓

because the pipe might leak a little more.

leak might pipe

↓

The stain could fade. You think this priest would help you guys?

fade priest stain

↓

I think Dee could get him to do it.

↓

- What? Why me? - Oh, "Why me?" she says.

↓

The guy was in love with her. He would do anything for her.

love

↓

No.

↓

All right. Remember the time you said you'd kiss him

kiss remember

↓

f he ate a horse turd? - He ate the whole turd.

horse turd whole

↓

The guy eats the wholething. Then she doesn't kiss him 'cause she said

eats kiss

↓

his breath smelled like shit. - His breath smelled like shit.

breath smelled

↓

- That's my girl. - It didn't really happen like that.

girl happen

↓

No. He ate the whole turd, and then she wouldn't kiss him.

kiss turd whole

↓

Hey, Dee, come on. This would be really good for the bar.

↓

No. Screw you guys. No way. I'm not doing that.

screw

↓

That's a bad attitude. FRANK: Oh, you know what?

attitude frank

↓

I think the priest may not do it because she's getting a little old.

priest

↓

Oh! Yeah. DEE: What is that?

↓

- Yeah, your skin's all blotchy. - No, it's not.

blotchy skins

↓

He's not gonna do it. You got the crow's feet.

crows crows-feet feet

↓

- No, I don't. - You're getting the lines there.

lines

↓

- Mmm. Fivehead. - Laugh lines.

laugh lines

↓

You know what? You guys are such assholes.

assholes

↓

I'm gonna see what I can do.

↓

Matthew, hi.

matthew

↓

Dee. Wow. What a nice surprise. What brings you here?

brings surprise

↓

The guys and needed somebody to bless that stain in our bar.

bless needed somebody stain

↓

(chuckles)

chuckles

↓

- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

serious

↓

Dee, I'm not gonna bless a water stain.

bless stain water

↓

We don't do things like that. The Catholic Church...

catholic church

↓

Oh, no, no, no. I know not them.

↓

But I was just hoping you could just do me a little favor.

favor hoping

↓

Dee. Okay.

↓

I realize you were able to get me to do things for you in school, but...

able realize school

↓

Oh, you know what? I did.

↓

I kind of led you on a little bit back then, didn't I?

↓

But I wasn't always a tease, you know?

tease

↓

Remember? I let you do all my math homework.

homework math remember

↓

Not sure I follow your logic.

follow logic

↓

Well, what about that time we almost kissed?

kissed

↓

You made me eat a...

↓

Look, I'm not blessing the stain, okay?

blessing stain

↓

- Oh, no. Hold on a second. - The taste of that thing alone...

alone second taste

↓

- No, I can't imagine. - It haunts me.

imagine

↓

Of course it does. I'm sorry, okay? Forget...

course forget

↓

Forget I came by about the stain. I don't care about that anymore, okay?

anymore care forget stain

↓

I just... I know you really liked me back then,

liked

↓

and I know I wasn't very nice to you.

↓

And I think that's just because I was too stupid to realize

realize stupid

↓

how wonderful you are. I'm sorry.

↓

And...

↓

For the record, I think that you grew to be very handsome.

grew handsome record

↓

You do realize you're leading me on right now? I'm a priest.

leading priest realize

↓

- Am I? Oh, I didn't even know. - Yeah.

↓

But if you wanted to grab a drink sometime...

drink grab sometime wanted

↓

- You're still doing it. - Oh, my God. I don't...

↓

Wow, I... I think it's just 'cause you look so handsome in...

handsome

↓

- Please leave. - Okay, I'm gonna go now.

↓

- Thank you. It would be best. - All right.

best

↓

- God bless. - Yeah.

bless

↓

Would you care to make a donation

care donation

↓

n the name of Paddy's Pub to the Holy Blessed Mother?

blessed holy mother name paddys

↓

- Mm-mmm. - Hey, Charlie, this needs to stop.

charlie needs

↓

If you guys don't do it, I'm gonna do it myself.

↓

You're telling me. I'm sick of doing this.

sick telling

↓

God is going to show his wrath, Charlie.

charlie wrath

↓

WOMAN: Excuse me.

excuse woman

↓

Are you the young man to whom the Holy Mother first appear?

appear holy mother young

↓

- Yeah. - Could you bless me, please?

bless

↓

Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.

↓

- In the name of the Father... - Right hand.

father hand name

↓

... the son, Holy Spirit. Amen. - Gracias.

amen gracias holy holy-spirit spirit

↓

You're welcome.

welcome

↓

Did you see that, dude? (chuckles)

chuckles

↓

I just blessed that woman.

blessed woman

↓

I may have saved that poor, wretched old person's life.

life persons poor saved wretched

↓

Well, I don't know about that, but, uh...

↓

This could be my calling, Charlie.

calling charlie

↓

What happened to "God's wrath" business, and "this has to end..."

business gods happened wrath

↓

Yeah, no, don't worry about that, dude.

worry

↓

I think this could actually be a good thing.

↓

- We could change the world. - Okay, okay. All right.

change world

↓

New plan, all right? Let's go around, let's bless people.

bless plan

↓

Well, actually, I should bless people though,

bless

↓

but you could be my right-hand man. You could be my Peter.

hand peter

↓

Oh. Okay, I'll be your Peter.

peter

↓

Dress a little nicer though, 'cause you look like shit. (door opens)

door door-opens dress nicer opens

↓

(door closes) Hey. How'd it go with the priest?

closes door door-closes howd priest

↓

- Not gonna happen. - Did you put the moves on him?

happen moves

↓

First, gross. I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids.

gross kids supposed whore

↓

Second of all, that guy is a really good person, you know,

person second

↓

and I've treated him like shit his whole life.

life treated whole whole-life

↓

For once I'm gonna do the right thing.

↓

- He thinks you're too old, huh? - Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it thinks

↓

- Why do I speak to you, ever? - Hello.

speak

↓

Oh, wow.

↓

What is wrong with you?

↓

Oh, well, I've been fasting for three days, so I probably look good.

days fasting three three-days

↓

You haven't eaten anything for three days?

days eaten three three-days

↓

- And I feel great. - Why the hell are you fasting?

fasting

↓

I thought I would get in the spirit

spirit

↓

of the religious aspect of what we got going.

aspect religious

↓

It's 'cause we said his face looks fat.

face

↓

It is not. People have been fasting for thousands of years...

fasting thousands years

↓

... for health and religious purposes.

health purposes religious

↓

- Moses... - Fat face.

face moses

↓

Jesus and Moses in the woods and in the desert...

desert jesus moses woods

↓

- Please listen to me. Please. - Forget it.

forget

↓

Yeah. All right? The priest thinks Dee's old for him.

dees priest thinks

↓

We gotta go to plan B. I know another guy who could help us.

another plan

↓

(knocking)

knocking

↓

Father O'Grady? Uh...

father

↓

I'm Frank Reynolds. I was in your parish.

frank frank-reynolds reynolds

↓

What do you want?

↓

We came to talk to you about a stain.

stain

↓

No! Uh, wait a second. We just wanna have a few words with you.

second words

↓

We found a stain in our bar that resembles the Virgin Mary.

found mary stain virgin virgin-mary

↓

- Cats are brown now. - What?

brown cats

↓

- The cats are brown. - What is he talking about?

brown cats

↓

This guy's perfect. Let's go clean him up.

clean perfect

↓

(humming) #I got the Lord I got the Lord

humming lord

↓

#I got the good Lord He's goin' down on me

goin lord

↓

- #Down on me... I got the Lord - What are you doing?

lord

↓

#I got the good Lord Is goin' down on me#

goin lord

↓

The Lord is going down on you? What's that suppose to mean?

lord suppose

↓

- Why are you dress like this? - Come on. It's perfect.

dress perfect

↓

- Where did you get it? - I have my sources.

sources

↓

Charlie, I told you to dress nice.

charlie dress

↓

We look like salt and pepper shakers.

pepper salt

↓

- Ah, we look good. - All right. Let's just get started.

started

↓

- Uum... - Mmm. (clicks tongue)

clicks clicks-tongue tongue

↓

Ah. Uh, excuse me, sir.

excuse

↓

- Hello. Would you like a blessing? - From who?

blessing

↓

Well, it was to me that the Virgin Mary first appeared.

appeared mary virgin virgin-mary

↓

- I found it. - What?

found

↓

Well, I'm just saying I was the one who found it.

found

↓

Yes, but I was the one who first recognized it was the Virgin Mary.

mary recognized virgin virgin-mary

↓

- I found it, if you want the truth. - You thought it was a stain.

found stain truth

↓

- I'd prefer a blessing from him. - Why?

blessing prefer

↓

He seems a lot more religious than you.

religious seems

↓

Okay, but he is my number two and doesn't really do the same...

number

↓

Well, maybe I could just throw you one of...

throw

↓

Don't do it. (humming) Don't do it, Charlie. Don't do it! (sighs)

charlie humming sighs

↓

- Ha! - Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

appreciate thanks

↓

Okay, feel better. You're looking better already to me.

looking

↓

You are completely betraying me.

completely

↓

What are you doing? You're supposed to be my Peter.

peter supposed

↓

You know what, dude? Hear me out for a second.

second

↓

Now, technically, that stain did appear to me.

appear stain technically

↓

Also, I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is,

carpentry familiar father

↓

so am I the messiah?

↓

I don't know. Could be. I'm not ruling it out.

ruling

↓

- The messiah? - I'm just not ruling it out is all.

ruling

↓

You gotta be kidding me, dude.

kidding

↓

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

lord mysterious ways works

↓

I knew you were gonna ruin this. God damn it.

ruin

↓

Ooh. I really wish you wouldn't take my name in vain.

name vain wish

↓

(humming)

humming

↓

#I got the good Lord All up inside of me#

lord

↓

How are we gonna get this guy to bless anything? He's out of mind.

bless mind

↓

Well, I'm hoping it's mostly the booze talking.

booze hoping mostly

↓

Let's find some coffee. We can sober him up.

coffee sober

↓

- Did you hear me? - Hmm?

↓

Dennis, I think you really gotta eat.

dennis

↓

No, I just spaced out for a second. What's up?

second

↓

Find some coffee. We don't have a ton of time.

coffee

↓

Here's a confession. I'm in love with a man.

confession love

↓

What?

↓

I'm in love with a man.

love

↓

A man called God.

called

↓

Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God?

↓

- You betcha. -Can I talk to you, please?

betcha

↓

- Speaketh. - In private.

private

↓

(chuckles) Okay.

chuckles

↓

Well, congratulations, Jim Jones.

congratulations jones

↓

You found the four people on the planet

found four planet

↓

dumb enough to listen to your shit.

dumb

↓

Oh, forgive him, Lord, for he know not what he say.

forgive lord

↓

Give it a rest. You're not the messiah.

rest

↓

You don't know dick about the Bible.

bible dick

↓

You know, it really sounds like somebody in this room is jealous.

jealous room somebody sounds

↓

Because it's bullshit! I'm the one that wanted to become a priest.

become bullshit priest wanted

↓

I'm the one that knew it was Mary. The one that should have followers.

followers mary

↓

- Sorry, bro. You suck at it. - You wanna have a competition?

competition suck

↓

- Like what? - A toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch.

bible bitch

↓

Ask and ye shall receive, sucker.

receive sucker

↓

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

father forgive sinned

↓

It has been 10 years since my last confession.

confession years

↓

(sighs)

sighs

↓

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,

father holy holy-spirit name spirit

↓

what's on your mind, my dear?

dear mind

↓

I'm in love with a man that I can't have, Father.

father love

↓

And he used to love me, too, but then I was really mean to him,

love used

↓

and now we'll never know what could have been.

↓

Well, it's too late now.

late

↓

He's made a commitment that can never be broken.

broken commitment

↓

(sighs) Let's drop this act, Matty.

drop matty sighs

↓

Listen, I think I have really strong feelings for you.

feelings strong

↓

- Dee, please don't do this. - You know what?

↓

It just seems like some kind of cruel joke.

cruel joke seems

↓

I mean, you wanted me once, and now that you can have me...

wanted

↓

And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really, really have me.

matty

↓

You don't want it anymore?

anymore

↓

Well, God has a plan for everybody.

everybody plan

↓

- Well, that seems dumb. - Well, it's not. It's God's plan.

dumb gods gods-plan plan seems

↓

Yeah, well, God's plan sucks this time. You know why?

gods gods-plan plan sucks

↓

- 'Cause I think I love you. - Don't say that, Dee.

love

↓

I have to say it, and I'm gonna tell you why.

↓

Because if I don't say it, I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.

life regret rest

↓

Okay, maybe that's not "God's plan" or whatever. I don't care.

care gods gods-plan plan

↓

I want you to know something. I love you.

love

↓

And I, I could be your wife,

wife

↓

and I could spend the rest of my days making you happy.

days happy rest spend

↓

- Dee? - Yes.

↓

- It's me. - I know it's you.

↓

- Just please, please leave. - No, listen. Wait, wait, wait.

↓

I don't know what God wants for us, all right?

wants

↓

But I do know God brought you into our bar,

brought

↓

maybe that was just so I could say I'm sorry, but that sounds stupid.

sounds stupid

↓

I don't think that's why. That's not big enough.

↓

He works bigger than that. Maybe his plan is for us to be together

bigger plan works

↓

because he did have you come to our bar. Hey. Matty?

matty

↓

- What? - Open the door.

door open

↓

- No. - Matty, open the door.

door matty open

↓

(sighs) I love you.

love sighs

↓

- I know that. - Okay.

↓

- Say seven Hail Marys. - Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

hail marys seven

↓

I love you.

love

↓

"When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look at the burning bush,

burning bush gone lord

↓

"God called from within.

called

↓

"'Moses, come no closer! Remove your sandals, for...'"

closer moses remove sandals

↓

Uh, let's stop there. Why is God asking Moses to remove his sandals?

asking moses remove sandals

↓

Well, you didn't let me finish, dude.

finish

↓

It's because Moses is about to walk on holy ground.

ground holy moses walk

↓

- No, actually, it's not. - Yes, it is. That's the next line.

line

↓

"'Remove your sandals,

remove sandals

↓

"'for the place where you are standing is holy ground.'"

ground holy place standing

↓

But what's in between the lines?

lines

↓

What's in between the lines is that he has to take off his damn sandals

lines sandals

↓

because it's sacred ground. - No! Sacred ground? Sacred ground?

ground sacred

↓

God doesn't worship the ground. God made the ground.

ground worship

↓

And Moses is about to step near a burning bush. That is gonna be hot.

burning bush moses near step

↓

God doesn't think Moses is gonna do it.

moses

↓

"Hey, Moses, kick your shoes off.

kick moses shoes

↓

"Come on. Walk around a burning bush"?

burning bush walk

↓

That's like asking me to take my shoes off and stand on a hot plate.

asking plate shoes stand

↓

I'm not gonna do it. Unless God asks me to.

asks

↓

And then I am, just like Moses. Why? What's gonna happen to Moses?

happen moses

↓

His feet aren't gonna get burned.

burned feet

↓

No. God is gonna reward him with some sweet-ass shoes.

reward shoes sweet

↓

It's like, "Oh. Oh. You risk your feet, you get some shoes."

feet risk shoes

↓

That's the way God works, 'cause God loves us.

loves works

↓

Trust in God, He'll give you shoes.

shoes trust

↓

(applauding)

applauding

↓

Are you kidding me? You're buying this crap? You...

buying kidding

↓

FRANK: All right. Here we go. (door closes)

closes door door-closes frank

↓

Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

foot left

↓

Hey. What are you guys doing? Who's this?

↓

This crazy, drunk priest...

crazy drunk priest

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

You get a drink after you bless the stain.

bless drink stain

↓

Shh! Ooh, cats! And they're brown!

brown cats

↓

Oh, this guy is great. Hey, you think he'll bless me?

bless

↓

- Love to. - Great. Hey!

love

↓

It's okay, Frank. Hey, everybody, gather round.

everybody everybody-gather frank gather gather-round round

↓

This priest here is going to bless me.

bless priest

↓

Then after he's finished, I will honor each and every one of you

finished honor

↓

with a blessing of your own. You can take that with you.

blessing

↓

Okay, Father. Anytime you're ready.

anytime father ready

↓

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

father holy holy-spirit spirit

↓

What is wrong with you, old man?

↓

Why would you bring somebody like this into the bar? (mouthing words)

bring mouthing mouthing-words somebody words

↓

Charlie, get the camcorder. The Father's gonna bless the stain.

bless charlie fathers stain

↓

Right foot, left foot. There we go.

foot left

↓

- Dee. Dee. - Whoa. You are not lookin' good.

lookin whoa

↓

Truth, truth. Face fat?

face truth

↓

No, you idiot. Your face is fine.

face idiot

↓

I just got mad that you called mine blotchy.

blotchy called

↓

- Oh. (stammering) Why... - What?

stammering

↓

- Why'd you do that? - Oh, because you're a bad person.

person whyd

↓

- Charlie, you got the camcorder? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.

charlie

↓

Oh, Mac, Mac. This endorsement's gonna put me over the top.

↓

Go to hell, Charlie.

charlie

↓

Oh, these people are gonna be eating out of my divine hands.

divine eating hands

↓

These people are gonna catch on to your shit.

catch

↓

Are they really? Hello.

↓

#When Irish eyes are smilin'

eyes irish smilin

↓

- #Sure, 'tis like a... ? - No! No, get away from there!

↓

- Get him away! - Get... Back off. Oh.

↓

What did you do, you shithead? You ruined it

ruined shithead

↓

Oh! It's gone!

gone

↓

- Uh, no, actually, it's not gone. - It's gone!

gone

↓

- The Virgin Mary has left us! CHARLIE: She hasn't left us!

charlie left mary virgin virgin-mary

↓

You can see the outline.

↓

She abandoned us 'cause we listen to a false prophet!

abandoned false prophet

↓

- No! False... - False prophet.

false prophet

↓

- That's what you are. - Hey. Where are you going?

↓

Looks like your followers are leaving you.

followers leaving

↓

- Don't go. - She'll come back.

shell

↓

- Dee. - Matthew? What are you doing here?

matthew

↓

I thought about what you said, and I think you're right.

↓

I mean, in some weird way, this was God's plan for us.

gods gods-plan plan weird

↓

I mean, I had to become a priest to reconnect with you,

become priest reconnect

↓

and I had to leave the priesthood to have you.

↓

Huh?

↓

Mr. Reynolds, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

daughters hand marriage reynolds

↓

- Done. - Okay, hold on one second.

second

↓

- Bless you. - Hold on.

bless

↓

Did you just say that you left the priesthood?

left

↓

Yes! Yes, I had to.

↓

Matty, wow. You should not have done that.

matty

↓

- What do you mean? - You gotta...

↓

You should go and undo that right now.

undo

↓

- Uh, but you said... - Yeah, I know what I said.

↓

There were a lot of things, and I meant all of them. I did.

meant

↓

But the thing is, I didn't know you were actually gonna leave the Church

church

↓

which is why I felt safe saying those things in the first place.

place safe

↓

So wait. Wait. So...

↓

- So you don't love me? - Oh, Matty.

love matty

↓

I think you are a great guy.

↓

(Mac and Charlie wincing)

charlie

↓

- My life is... My life is ruined. - No.

life ruined

↓

- It's... Yes, it's ruined. - No. It's not.

ruined

↓

What about this? Why don't you go back to the priesthood?

↓

I can't, okay? (stammering) I can't.

stammering

↓

You can't just go back, Dee.

↓

"Yeah, I wanna become a priest again." You can't. Okay?

become priest

↓

But are you sure? Did you double-check that?

check double

↓

Oh, my life is ruined. - - Hmm. So...

life ruined

↓

I'm the bad person, huh?

person

↓

(groans)

groans

↓

That's what you get for not eating.

eating

↓

Hey, Cricket! You know what would make you feel better?

cricket

↓

What could possibly make me feel better?

possibly

↓

MAC: You wanna tea-bag Dennis?

dennis

↓

- I'll get the camera! - Yeah!

camera

↓

- Polaroid, Polaroid, Polaroid. - Whoo!

whoo