It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 6 — The Gang Gives Back

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MAC: Aw, come on! This isn't fair.
#1
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You accidentally burn down a building,
#2
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and you get 120 hours of community service?
#3
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Now this says that I gotta work with kids.
#4
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- Yeah, me too. - I don't like kids.
#5
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- I don't wanna work with 'em. - I don't have time for this.
#6
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- Yeah, I have 248 hours of, uh... - Interstate.
#7
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Inter... Interstate.
#8
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- Sanitation. Jesus Christ! - What is that... What is that?
#9
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That's the guys with the orange vests who pick up trash.
#10
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Oh, my God! And then what is this about the AA?
#11
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- Alcoholics Anonymous. - For...
#12
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- Six... months - Oh, my God.
#13
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- That is so unfair! - What do you expect, Charlie?
#14
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Why would you tell the judge you were drunk?
#15
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- 'Cause I was drunk, Dee. - But why would you say that?
#16
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I thought that would get me off the hook.
#17
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That was dumb, wasn't it?
#18
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I would rather pay a huge fine than have to give back to the community.
#19
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- Holy shit! Look at this bill! - What?
#20
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Those mimosas were like eight bucks a pop, Charlie.
#21
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- Are you serious? - Well, you had like seven of 'em.
#22
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Uh-oh.
#23
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- I'm not paying for your mimosas. - No way!
#24
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- I didn't bring enough money. - I don't have enough money.
#25
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You don't have any money? What are you... Are you serious?
#26
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Ah! Ah!
#27
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(chattering)
#28
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FRANK: Good. Good. Good. Go ahead. Go ahead.
#29
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(traditional Asian music playing)
#30
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(chattering continues)
#31
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- I know what it is. - We can't go back.
#32
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(chattering continues)
#33
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I fold. Deal me out. Hey. Hey, gang, what's the action?
#34
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- What's going on here? - Asians love gambling.
#35
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- You know these guys? - Yeah. From 'Nam.
#36
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- You were in Vietnam? - Don't get excited, Mac, all right?
#37
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He was in Vietnam 10 years ago on a business trip.
#38
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Beautiful country.
#39
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Dad, please get these guys out of here.
#40
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They're really weird and scary-looking.
#41
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Hey, I own half this bar, too.
#42
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You know what. You can't just come in here
#43
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and start running our lives like this. It's not fair.
#44
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- Wanna bet? - What?
#45
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- Would you like to bet on it? - On what?
#46
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- Whether or not it's fair? - Sure. Bet on whatever.
#47
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You know what? This is exactly why I don't wanna work with him.
#48
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- You know what I mean? - Yes.
#49
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Because you start doing crazy shit like this all the time...
#50
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And making crazy bets about absolutely nothing at all, Dad.
#51
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You know what? If you don't go, me and Mac and Charlie,
#52
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gonna sell our portion of the bar. - No, we're not.
#53
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- Just back me up on this. - No, I can't really back you up.
#54
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Why can't you just back me up on this?
#55
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(shouts in Vietnamese) - You guys...
#56
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(shouts) (shouts in Vietnamese)
#57
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- Screw this. I'm out of here. - That just blew my mind.
#58
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That was incredible.
#59
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So today's speaker is David,
#60
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for those of you who are new to the program.
#61
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I know a number of you have heard David's story before.
#62
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But a few of you haven't. I'm sure you'll find David's story...
#63
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... has a lot of relevance to your situation. (bottle clinks)
#64
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Uh, anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and...
#65
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We have a late arrival here. (laughs)
#66
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Hi. Do you want to introduce yourself?
#67
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- Me? - Mm-hmm.
#68
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- Oh. I'm Charlie. ALL: Hi, Charlie.
#69
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- Here. Have a seat down front. - Oh. No. Okay.
#70
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I knew this would happen. I'm not an alcoholic, actually.
#71
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Yeah, I'm only here 'cause I got a little drunk,
#72
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and I threw a flaming bag of feces into a building
#73
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and I burnt it down a little bit. You know?
#74
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But I wasn't trying to burn it down.
#75
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I was trying to make the place smell real bad and get rid of this guy.
#76
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So... This guy knows what I'm talking about.
#77
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Look, uh, Charlie, the first step to recovery
#78
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s simply admitting that you have a problem.
#79
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I'm not an alcoholic, so it's cool.
#80
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He was drinking a beer when he came in.
#81
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Oh, my... Dude! Oh, dude, how are you gonna...
#82
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Really? (scoffs)
#83
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I thought you were cool, man, like...
#84
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MAC: Sorry, I'm not gonna sell my piece of the bar.
#85
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- You're being a dick about this. - I'm being a dick?
#86
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What do you want me to do, get another job?
#87
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Well, try to think where I'm coming from in all this.
#88
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- I'm coming from a selfish place? - Just shut your mouth.
#89
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- Shut you the mouth. - Can I help you?
#90
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Yeah, we are here as part of our community service.
#91
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Always a bunch of clowns.
#92
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- Excuse me? - All right.
#93
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We need volunteers for our Sunday basketball league.
#94
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You're gonna be coaching the teams.
#95
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I got two positions left,
#96
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so I'm gonna have to put two of you together.
#97
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Great. Dennis and I will coach a team.
#98
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I think I'd rather split you two up.
#99
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(chattering)
#100
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Charlie. Hi.
#101
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Hey. Wow. I didn't know you were in AA.
#102
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- Yeah. - Where were you sitting?
#103
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I, um, kind of slumped down in my seat
#104
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when I heard your name so you wouldn't see me.
#105
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Right.
#106
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Listen. I didn't realize you were an alcoholic.
#107
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It actually explains a lot of your past behavior.
#108
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Check this out. I'm not an alcoholic.
#109
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See, I have to be here 'cause the court...
#110
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- I threw this flaming bag of feces. - Okay, okay, okay.
#111
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You don't have to give me explanations. I understand.
#112
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I've maybe been a little too judgmental of you.
#113
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I mean, I know what it feels like to have alcohol run your life.
#114
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- Doesn't run my life. - And I... I want to maybe help you.
#115
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Are you saying you want to go out on a date with me?
#116
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- No. No, Charlie. - No?
#117
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I don't... I never want to go out on a date with you.
#118
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Great.
#119
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What I'm saying is maybe I could be your sponsor.
#120
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Oh!
#121
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But you can't ever hit on me.
#122
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- No. - Because that's never gonna happen.
#123
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- Yeah, I heard. You said that. - Okay.
#124
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- So, sponsor. That's cool, yeah. - Okay. Okay.
#125
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- I wrote down my phone number. - Wow.
#126
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Please, Charlie. Please don't make me regret giving this to you.
#127
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No, absolute... Absolutely not.
#128
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No, this'll be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of a thing.
#129
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Great.
#130
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Oh. No shit! I was so close.
#131
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All right, kids, kids. Uh...
#132
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Why don't you line up on this free throw line over here?
#133
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All righty. Uh...
#134
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You, you, you, you and you,
#135
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come over here.
#136
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All right.
#137
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Now the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
#138
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's goin' on over here?
#139
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- Pickin' my team. - No. No, you can't take all...
#140
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- I can't pick the... - You can't pick all...
#141
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- What should I not pick? - You know exactly what you've done.
#142
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- Okay, everybody back. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's my team!
#143
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- No, we're startin' over. - All right. Fine. But I pick first.
#144
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Fine.
#145
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- You. - You.
#146
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- Uh, you. - You.
#147
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- You. - Hey! What's goin' on over here?
#148
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- Pickin' teams, Sir. - The teams are already picked.
#149
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You two have the Ducks, and you have the Wildcats.
#150
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(laughs) Ducks.
#151
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Are you kidding me? Are... You guys are the Wildcats?
#152
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Jesus Chri...
#153
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Is anyone absent?
#154
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Anyone tall? What are those, flip-flops?
#155
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Jesus, kid. Did you not wear shoes?
#156
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You don't know? Did anyone else not bring shoes?
#157
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- All right. Everybody take a knee. - Go ahead and kneel.
#158
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Apparently there is some confusion as to who is the head coach here.
#159
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Yeah, it could be a guy who's never participated
#160
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n any kind of sporting event ever.
#161
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Yeah, or it could be a girl. That's enough said, right?
#162
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Mac and I are gonna play a quick game to 21.
#163
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And the winner will be head coach.
#164
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You guys might want to pay attention,
#165
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'cause you'll probably learn a thing or two watching us.
#166
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Absolutely. Try to remember what she does wrong.
#167
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That's the first thing.
#168
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Terrible. Take a lap.
#169
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Godawful. Get goin'.
#170
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Oh, that's a great shot, Chris. Come here.
#171
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You're gonna be the saving grace of the team, you know that?
#172
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Everybody try to be a little bit more like Chris.
#173
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- What the hell is that? - I don't know.
#174
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- It's diet. - Oh.
#175
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Do I look like I need to be on a diet?
#176
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I don't know.
#177
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Terrible. Take a lap.
#178
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This one? Gonna get it this time? (grunts)
#179
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See, kids, that's 18-0. (groaning)
#180
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Fundamentals don't mean shit if you got no strength.
#181
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- My knee hurts. - We're almost done.
#182
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(groaning) Oh, God. You son of a bitch.
#183
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So this is your place? Wow!
#184
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You know, it actually looks a lot like my apartment...
#185
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- Don't sit on my bed. - No. No. Wasn't gonna.
#186
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That's a good bed though. That's a beautiful bed. Nice and soft.
#187
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Charlie, are you here to try to have sex with me?
#188
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I can't believe you could ask me a question like that
#189
2f512077-9306-43e9-9de6-7f0cebc7053e.gif
n my time of need. - I'm sorry.
#190
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That's okay. We... We got a history, and you're suspicious.
#191
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I get that. We got a crazy history, you and me. Oh, well.
#192
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You know, maybe I'll just... get a little comfortable,
#193
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and I won't talk, and you can just kinda...
#194
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- Just watch your feet on the... - Tell me about...
#195
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- I'll take my shoes off. - No. Don't take your shoes off.
#196
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I'm really more comfortable if I take my shoes off.
#197
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- Charlie. - So tell me about you.
#198
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What kind of music are you into? What's your favorite color?
#199
95050d48-a7ea-496a-b10e-f54872d4ab25.gif
You ever... You ever owned a dog? Do you want a dog?
#200
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(sighs)
#201
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This thing is cozy.
#202
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Just ice it and it will go down.
#203
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- I know what you do to it! - Hey, what's the action?
#204
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Oh Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that?
#205
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- Is that your catchphrase now? - Dad, can you get me some ice?
#206
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What happened to your eye?
#207
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Well, Mac plays basketball with his elbows. That's what happened.
#208
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Youse were all playin' basketball?
#209
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Yeah. It's a part of our community service.
#210
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Gotta coach kids as part of our, uh, sentence.
#211
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Like two teams playin' against each other?
#212
10e03eae-7703-45ac-a3bf-4ac50367098b.gif
Yeah, that's generally how basketball is played.
#213
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Basketball, huh? Here.
#214
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And go! Very nice.
#215
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Lot of tight footwork. That's it. Very good.
#216
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Chris, doin' really good. You got some good moves.
#217
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Dad, what the hell are you doing here?
#218
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Oh, well, I just came because you were late. I volunteered.
#219
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- Hey, do some ball work. - Why are you doing this to me?
#220
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I figured maybe you and I could do a little father-son bonding.
#221
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I don't wanna bond with you. Go back to bonding with Charlie.
#222
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- Charlie's with a girl. - What girl?
#223
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- You know, the waitress girl. - The waitress hates Charlie.
#224
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How do you know that?
#225
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Because he's obsessed with her and won't leave her alone.
#226
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Quite frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.
#227
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I banged her. I don't get it.
#228
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Dennis, you shouldn't be sleeping with your friends' girlfriends.
#229
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Are you handing down life lessons? Get the hell outta here!
#230
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- Get off my court! - What? Your court?
#231
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- Yeah. - Wanna shoot for it? Free throws?
#232
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- Shoot for what? - Throw me the ball.
#233
bf651046-1d51-4ae1-93eb-314216f703fe.gif
All right. Well, best out of three gets to be the coach.
#234
c7b93eff-e766-468f-8a69-f146254d847e.gif
Dad, you don't wanna shoot me for it, because you'll lose.
#235
a25e20dc-7b07-42bc-958e-5223902b981c.gif
You wanna bet?
#236
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Kids, keys to the game. Elbows. Knees. Say it with me once. Ready?
#237
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TOGETHER: Elbows. Knees.
#238
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Excellent. Excellent work. You're gonna want to utilize both of those
#239
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over the course of the season, okay?
#240
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Because the referees in this league aren't gonna call 'em.
#241
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But they might, which is why you have to be very careful.
#242
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Fouls can lose a game for even the most dominant of teams.
#243
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Yeah, kids, could you excuse the assistant coach and I for a second?
#244
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We'll be back.
#245
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Don't you ever contradict me in front of my team like that.
#246
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These kids need to know who their coach is.
#247
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Well, I can see how they might be confused. Are those combat boots?
#248
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Don't get all high and mighty because you got a pantsuit.
#249
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You look like Big Bird! (whistle blows)
#250
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I got the season schedule right here.
#251
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- Get back! I can handle this. - I have to see.
#252
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- What's up? - Why are you here?
#253
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- I'm coaching Dennis's team. - Not coaching my team.
#254
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- You lost fair and square. - Dont give a shit.
#255
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- You're not coaching my team. - It is on! We play you guys first!
#256
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We are gonna school your sorry-ass team!
#257
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- Wanna make it interesting? - Dad, you don't wanna do that.
#258
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- Our kids are terrible. - That's what a bad coach would say.
#259
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- A hundred bucks says we win. - You're on.
#260
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I'm gonna coach the shit out of this team.
#261
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- Well, assistant coach. - Let's make it 200.
#262
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- How about five, bitch? - What are you doing?
#263
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You scared? You wanna quit? You can back out.
#264
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'Cause I can coach this team better than you or Dennis or Dad...
#265
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Or any other goddamn man any day of the week.
#266
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Whoo! Whoo! That's it! Gambling!
#267
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(grunting)
#268
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Oh, I can't tell you how great I'm feeling.
#269
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I haven't been this healthy in, like, a crazy long time.
#270
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It's having amazing effects on my body.
#271
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That's probably the best thing about it.
#272
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Yeah. Wow.
#273
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So you can probably stop coming over here all the time then, huh?
#274
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Uh, well, I don't know. I just don't know if that's safe.
#275
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Yeah, I think it's safe.
#276
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Maybe if you think it's safe, I'll consider it. But, whoo...
#277
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- Hey, um, how's your friend Dennis? - Hmm?
#278
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I haven't seen him around much lately. What... What's he up to?
#279
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He's, like, working at some stupid youth center thing.
#280
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- He works with kids? - Yeah. But he has to. That's why.
#281
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Oh, my God. That is so sweet.
#282
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Do you think maybe we could go down and see him?
#283
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Why don't we roll down there today?
#284
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You know, you and me. Celebrate the three days sober.
#285
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- Great. I'll get changed. - Great.
#286
d926e670-f209-4386-84e1-754087f182ac.gif
So get out.
#287
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Actually I need to take a shower, 'cause I'm crazy sweaty from those.
#288
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Charlie.
#289
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I'm an alcoholic trying to get better,
#290
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and I'm getting kicked out on the street. All right.
#291
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Jesus. You can start.
#292
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MAC: These are wristbands, and these are safety pins.
#293
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I want everybody to insert their safety pin into their wristband,
#294
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sharp side out.
#295
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All right, if you come down right on the top part
#296
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and smash down with all your weight,
#297
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you'll break the kid's foot in three places.
#298
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What if I get hurt?
#299
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That's a good question. Now as long as you hurt the other kid
#300
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as bad or worse than he hurts you,
#301
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you'll have done your job, and I'll be proud of you.
#302
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Look how good he is with those kids.
#303
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You like that, huh? (sighs)
#304
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Tell you what. I'll be right back.
#305
db971823-9fb5-4851-8782-2e9c5ff5f50a.gif
Okay, here we go. Lay it up. (groans)
#306
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Shoot it up. Let's see. Whoo. Very nice.
#307
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Okay, everybody take five. Chris, come on over here a minute.
#308
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I'm gonna talk to you. Let's see.
#309
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Go on over there. You go... You guys go.
#310
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Now listen. Clearly, you're the best player on the team.
#311
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All right? Now I wanna give you a couple lessons
#312
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that maybe Coach Dennis hasn't covered with you.
#313
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Lesson number one, winnin' ain't everything.
#314
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Lesson two, do you own a bike?
#315
51d62f73-ed3b-4f84-b4b2-2dbd389b5a78.gif
Hey.
#316
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- Dennis, hey. - Hey.
#317
c23f27de-5195-4e5e-9e7a-a83b87d23550.gif
(laughs I haven't seen you in a while.
#318
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You haven't come by the coffee shop.
#319
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Uh, yeah.
#320
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Um, so I know that it was kind of... It got weird after the...
#321
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- Right. - When we...
#322
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Um...
#323
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Anyway, I thought maybe we could spend some time together again.
#324
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Um, haven't you been spending a lot of time with Charlie lately?
#325
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I'm helping him get sober.
#326
0125a125-beb4-465d-a3e2-d85c63bea9cd.gif
Right. Well, good. That's a good thing.
#327
4775e74b-51bd-4f51-a6e5-c49bba80a543.gif
- Thank you. - Yeah.
#328
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So I don't want to get in the middle of thaT.
#329
8ae59e16-9416-4220-b5c8-a6c3bc72369a.gif
So we shouldn't talk at all while that's going on.
#330
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Oh.
#331
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- Good. All right. I'll see you. - What... You will see me.
#332
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- I'll see you. - Yep, yep, yep, yep.
#333
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- Charlie, this isn't working out. - Huh?
#334
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I don't wanna be your sponsor anymore.
#335
c459793f-869c-4527-9590-3b4613e91eca.gif
It's starting to get in the way of my personal life.
#336
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(scoffs) What are you talkin' about?
#337
367f9823-7abb-47ef-b65e-1b418ef833d6.gif
I only offered to be your sponsor
#338
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so I could get closer to your friend Dennis.
#339
cacf60d4-c1a2-494c-a763-128eb0f42dc0.gif
- What? Dennis? - Yeah.
#340
16dfa4b6-f90b-4704-a31f-4d84c6c7a8b7.gif
Come on! That guy, he's like one of those cheesy...
#341
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Oh, he's so phony. No. You know what? We can't do this action.
#342
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You gotta... 'Cause what if I start drinking again?
#343
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That's a risk I'm willing to take.
#344
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I hope you guys are ready for the pain.
#345
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Oh, we'll be bringing a little pain of our own.
#346
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- You guys are goin' down. - We'll see.
#347
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- Kids, how are you feelin'? TOGETHER: Good.
#348
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Good? Doesn't sound good. Are you drinking the Red Bull?
#349
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- Come on. Chug 'em down. - I feel sick.
#350
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That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach.
#351
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- That's a good thing. Trust me. - Flop, come here for a second.
#352
eb8db0d7-32c4-46d5-8afd-b7d8ff84b569.gif
All right. These are for you.
#353
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And there's a steel toe in there. Don't be afraid to use it.
#354
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- Thanks, Dad. - I'm not your dad.
#355
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All right. Let's get this show on the road.
#356
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All right, Team Wildcats! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
#357
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All right, boys. Now listen up. This week... Where's Chris?
#358
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- Uh, I don't know. - You don't know?
#359
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You guys know where Chris is? TOGETHER: No.
#360
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Ah, it's no big deal. We don't need him.
#361
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It is a big deal. We can't play without Chris.
#362
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I got 500 bucks on this game. Are you crazy?
#363
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(stammering) Well, let's...
#364
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You know what. I gotta find him. We can't play without him.
#365
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No. You can't go.
#366
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He lives a block away, be right back. Dad, I'll be right back.
#367
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Let's go. Get ready. Put your shoes on.
#368
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Hey, Chris, you in there?
#369
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Chris, come on, buddy. Let's go.
#370
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(bell ringing) Hey.
#371
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What the hell are you doing? The game's about to start.
#372
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I got a new bike.
#373
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- So ride your bike after the game. - I'm not supposed to play.
#374
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What do you mean, you're not supposed to play?
#375
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You know what? I don't have to talk to you, shithead!
#376
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You bought Chris a new bike to throw the game. The bet's off.
#377
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- Whoa! - You can't call the bet off.
#378
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- Dad's up to something. - I'm not up to nothing.
#379
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- Excuse me. Hey, Dennis. - Yeah?
#380
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Hey, um, just... I want... Just good luck out there.
#381
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Okay, yeah. What are you talking about?
#382
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- I just wanted to say good luck. - All right. Great. Thanks.
#383
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Have a seat on the bleachers. I'm in the middle of something.
#384
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No way. I'm not sitting up there. It's way too smoky.
#385
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(shouting in Vietnamese)
#386
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(sighs) You cheating piece of shit.
#387
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(whistle blows) Oh, let's go!
#388
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Let's... Let's play some basketball, all right?
#389
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- Charlie, what are you doing? - I volunteered.
#390
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- Let's play some ball. - Oh, my God.
#391
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You know what, man? I don't know what you're doing here.
#392
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But you gotta call this game off.
#393
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Oh, you're dead to me. There's a dead man speaking to me right here.
#394
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- Great. You're drunk. - I'm dead to you?
#395
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Yeah, I am drunk. You know why? I don't have a sponsor anymore!
#396
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- Whatever, Charlie. - Let's play basketball!
#397
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You gotta call this game off, Charlie!
#398
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- Let's have the teams! Let's play! - Let's play.
#399
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- Not gonna get away with this. - What you're talking about?
#400
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(whistle blows)
#401
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(grunting)
#402
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(shouting) (whistle blowing)
#403
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(shouting) (whistle blowing)
#404
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(shouting) (whistle blowing) Get him with the elbow!
#405
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(grunts)
#406
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(whistle blowing)
#407
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(whistle blows) (indistinct)
#408
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(shouting continues) (whistle continues blowing)
#409
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(shouting continues) (whistle continues blowing)
#410
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MAC: What the hell are you doing?
#411
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(whistle blowing)
#412
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(grunts)
#413
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Hey, hey. Right?
#414
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(grunts)
#415
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(whistle continues blowing)
#416
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(indistinct)
#417
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(whistle blows) All right, Charlie, that's it!
#418
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You call this game! This game is over!
#419
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You got a problem? Button that lip!
#420
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Don't tell me to button my lip, Charlie!
#421
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- Is that a threat? - Yeah, that's a threat!
#422
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- You're outta here! - Charlie, what are you doing?
#423
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- I call 'em like I see 'em. - Come on, man. Calm down.
#424
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- You're outta here! - Oh, my God!
#425
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- Yes! I'm head coach! - This is your fault, Dad!
#426
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- Why is it my fault? - Because you fixed the game!
#427
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- You fixed the game? DEE: What are you talking about?
#428
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- Yes, he fixed the game! - What are you talking about?
#429
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How do you do something like that?
#430
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(shouting continues) Do you see what you've done?
#431
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DEE: Get out of here! You're in the showers!
#432
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(shouting continues)
#433