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Home » South Park » S01E13 — Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut

South Park

Season 1, Episode 13 — Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut

TMDB episode metadata

Show: South Park

Episode title: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut

Air date: February 25, 1998

Director: Trey Parker

Top billed cast: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Isaac Hayes, Mary Kay Bergman, Jennifer Howell

Cartman needs to find out who his father is but his mom is no help. Learning that his father could be one of the many people that his mom had "relations" with during an annual party called "The Drunken Barn Dance", he finds that there's more to his mother than he thought.

Source: TMDB

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♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

↓

♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, cha-cha-cha, hmm ♪

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♪ Hmm, hmm, la, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪

↓

♪ I like hugs, and I like cake ♪

cake hugs

↓

♪ With a yum, yum, yum ♪

↓

♪ It's loving that I bake ♪

bake loving

↓

♪ I'm your best friend through and through ♪

best best-friend friend

↓

♪ Until the grim reaper comes for you ♪

comes grim

↓

Oh, hi, I'm Trey Parker. - And I'm Matt--

matt parker trey trey-parker

↓

Matt Stone that is.

matt matt-stone stone

↓

Oh, you nut. You just caught Matt and I

caught matt

↓

doing what we love to do most-- entertaining senior citizens

citizens entertaining love senior

↓

at a retirement home.

home retirement retirement-home

↓

Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang.

fans gang park park-fans south south-park south-park-fans

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Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said!

fans park park-fans south south-park south-park-fans

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Hi.

↓

God. - This next episode

episode

↓

of "South Park" is called "Cartman's Mom

called cartmans park south south-park

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Is a Dirty Slut," and it's our favorite episode.

dirty episode favorite favorite-episode slut

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That's right, Matt. It's what we call

matt

↓

a cliff hanger, and cliff-- - Excuse me, excuse me.

cliff excuse hanger

↓

My chest hurts. I need my medication.

chest hurts medication

↓

Oh, you mean this? - Oh, yes, of course.

course

↓

Ah-ah-ah, do the dog dance.

dance

↓

I don't wanna do the dog dance.

dance

↓

Dog dance. - I want my medication.

dance medication

↓

Dog dance, dog dance.

dance

↓

Dog dance, dog dance.

dance

↓

Bark, bark. - Good.

bark

↓

Good, anyway, this episode is all about a little boy's

boys episode

↓

search for his father. - And a video tape

father search tape video video-tape

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that might embarrass the heck out him.

embarrass heck might

↓

That's true. - Bark, bark, can I have

bark

↓

my medication now? - Uh, beep like a Jeep.

beep jeep medication

↓

No. - Yeah, beep like Jeep.

beep jeep

↓

Yeah, come on, beep like a Jeep.

beep jeep

↓

Come on. - Beep.

beep

↓

That's it, that's it. - Good boy.

↓

So now sit back, relax, and enjoy

enjoy relax

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"Matt's Mom Is a Dirty Slut." - Cartman's mom!

cartmans dirty slut

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Oh, right, right, right. - Beep, beep.

beep beep-beep

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♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

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♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

↓

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

faces friendly friendly-faces

↓

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

folks humble humble-folks temptation

↓

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

behind woes woes-behind

↓

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

ample ample-parking night parking

↓

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." ♪

howdy howdy-neighbor neighbor spouting spouting-howdy spouting-howdy-neighbor

↓

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

headed park south south-park

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♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

unwind

↓

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

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♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

friends meet

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Dude, the bus will be here any minute,

minute

↓

and Cartman didn't show up for school.

cartman school

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Yeah, this is, like, the third day in a row.

third

↓

I wonder what's wrong.

wonder

↓

Yeah. - Hey, maybe we should

↓

ditch school and go check on him.

check ditch school

↓

Come on, we're running late!

late running running-late

↓

We're not getting on, you fat, ugly bitch.

bitch ugly

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What did you say? - I said, "We're not

↓

getting on, you fat, ugly bitch."

bitch ugly

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Oh, all right, then.

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Whoa, dude. - I always wondered

whoa wondered

↓

if that would work.

↓

Hello, boys. - Hi, we were wondering

boys wondering

↓

why fat-ass, I mean, Cartman hasn't been

cartman

↓

showing up for school. - Oh, he's just been

school showing

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feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys

boys feeling weather

↓

can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.

backyard cheer

↓

In the backyard? - Would you like some more tea,

backyard

↓

Polly Prissy Pants?

pants polly polly-prissy polly-prissy-pants prissy prissy-pants

↓

Yes, Eric, I would love

eric love

↓

some tea, thank you.

↓

You're very welcome,

welcome

↓

Polly Prissy Pants.

pants polly polly-prissy polly-prissy-pants prissy prissy-pants

↓

Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?

clyde frog

↓

Yes, please, Eric.

eric

↓

Why are you so cool?

cool

↓

Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog.

clyde frog

↓

I just am.

↓

Yeah, you're strong

strong

↓

and smart, Eric-- everybody likes you.

eric everybody everybody-likes likes smart

↓

Why, thank you,

↓

Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you.

pants polly polly-prissy polly-prissy-pants prissy prissy-pants

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Dude, this is pretty up right here.

↓

Come on, let's go make fun of him.

fun

↓

No, dude, this looks really serious.

serious

↓

I think we better get help. - Really?

↓

Wow, Eric, you are the coolest

coolest eric

↓

guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.

tremendous world

↓

Why, thank you, Peter Panda.

panda peter

↓

It's a distinctive Earl Grey.

earl grey

↓

Eric is the best.

best eric

↓

Hooray for Eric!

eric hooray

↓

Eric kicks ass.

eric kicks

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Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.

cartman mackey somethings

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Oh, well, there's a newsflash.

↓

No, no, we saw him having a tea party

having party

↓

with his stuffed animals.

animals stuffed stuffed-animals

↓

Yeah, he was doing their voices and

voices

↓

pouring tea for them. - Oh, okay.

pouring

↓

Eric is obviously suffering from some kind

eric obviously suffering

↓

of emotional distress, M'kay? - What do you mean?

distress emotional mkay

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Have you boys noticed anything recently

boys noticed recently

↓

that troubled Eric? - No.

eric troubled

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Well, obviously, something is bothering him, M'kay?

bothering mkay obviously

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Oh, of course, my video camera.

camera course video video-camera

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Boys, if you could video tape Eric's behavior,

behavior boys erics tape video video-tape

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then I can study him psychologically and find out

study

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what's wrong, M'kay? - Is that legal?

legal mkay

↓

Oh, hell yes. - My goodness, that's a lovely

goodness lovely

↓

dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.

dress pants polly polly-prissy polly-prissy-pants prissy prissy-pants wearing

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Oh, thank you, Eric.

eric

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You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and cool.

cool gentleman perfect smart

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Yes, Eric, you are strong

eric strong

↓

and smart and cool-- everybody likes you very much.

cool everybody everybody-likes likes smart

↓

That's nice, Peter Panda.

panda peter

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Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made.

funniest tape

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How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?

mackey needs

↓

I don't know-- just keep rolling.

rolling

↓

More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?

↓

Yes, please, Eric.

eric

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You are tough and handsome.

handsome tough

↓

Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin.

↓

And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

clyde frog

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I think you're a big, fat

↓

piece of crap.

piece

↓

Hey!

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No, kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage.

beef cabbage kitty

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No, kitty,

kitty

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that's a bad kitty!

kitty

↓

How is your beefy roast,

beefy roast

↓

snookums?

↓

Mom, can I ask you a question?

question

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Sure, hun.

↓

You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?

friend stan

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Uh-huh. - And my friend Kyle has a dad,

friend friend-kyle kyle

↓

and my friend Kenny has a dad?

friend friend-kenny kenny

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Yes.

↓

Well, what's your question, hun?

question

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God damn it, do I have a dad?

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Oh. - I wanna know

↓

where I came from. - Oh, hmm,

↓

well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man

eric sometimes

↓

and a woman are attracted to each other,

attracted woman

↓

they want to be close to each other.

close

↓

Uh-huh. - And sometimes, the man

sometimes

↓

puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

dilly womans

↓

So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?

dilly

↓

Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic.

eric father magic

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It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees

aspen autumn night trees

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were turning at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.

annual barn barn-dance dance drunken drunken-barn drunken-barn-dance turning

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I was young and naive then.

naive young

↓

Wow, I've never seen a woman drink that much.

drink seen woman

↓

You're amazing, Ms. Cartman.

amazing cartman

↓

Oh, heck, I haven't even started yet.

heck started

↓

I baked cookies.

baked cookies

↓

Would anybody like one? - I wouldn't mind

anybody mind

↓

getting ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman.

ahold cartman cookies

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Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.

ahead barbrady officer officer-barbrady

↓

Mm, that's a good cookie!

cookie

↓

Come on, everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance!

barn barn-dance dance drunken drunken-barn drunken-barn-dance everybody

↓

And then, I saw him.

↓

He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass

charming piece

↓

I'd ever seen in South Park.

park seen south south-park

↓

His name was Chief Running Water.

chief chief-running name running running-water water

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♪ There you are ♪

↓

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

star

↓

♪ I want you to make love to me ♪

love

↓

I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went,

night recall rest

↓

but the next morning, I was pregnant with you,

morning pregnant

↓

my little blueberry muffin.

blueberry muffin

↓

So where's Chief Running Wa-- I mean, Dad, now?

chief chief-running running

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Oh, I never saw him after that.

↓

I wasn't really that interested in him.

interested

↓

That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.

romantic story

↓

I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation

heard lives reservation

↓

just outside of town.

town

↓

Wow, to think all this time I'm actually a naive American.

american naive

↓

No, kitty,

kitty

↓

that's a bad kitty!

kitty

↓

Coming this Sunday, a major television event

coming event major sunday television

↓

that will blow you away.

blow

↓

Terrance, Phillip in the harrowing

harrowing phillip terrance

↓

made for TV drama "Not Without My Anus."

anus drama

↓

Based on a true story.

based story

↓

Hey, Phillip, I have to Iraq and find

iraq phillip

↓

my kidnapped daughter!

daughter kidnapped

↓

Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.

terrance

↓

See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC movie of the week.

hottest movie stars week

↓

Wow, kickass, dude. We have to remember

kickass remember

↓

to tape "Not Without My Anus" next week.

anus tape week

↓

Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.

riveting

↓

Come on, Grandpa, we wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.

grandpa phillip terrance watch watch-terrance

↓

No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.

billy watch

↓

And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

americas americas-stupidest americas-stupidest-home home home-videos stupidest stupidest-home stupidest-home-videos videos

↓

Here's your host, Bob Saget.

host

↓

Hey, I just flew in to the studio.

flew studio

↓

Boy, are my arms tired.

arms tired

↓

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

cross road skeleton

↓

'Cause he didn't have the guts.

guts

↓

Knock, knock.

knock knock-knock

↓

Bob.

↓

Bob Saget.

↓

This guy sucks.

sucks

↓

Yeah, he's almost as bad

↓

as that guy on "Full House."

full full-house house

↓

Cartman?

cartman

↓

What the hell are doing dressed up like an Indian

dressed indian

↓

with a bear necklace?

bear necklace

↓

Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important

american bear naive stan

↓

to my people. - What?

↓

Hey, the white man has mocked my people long enough.

mocked white

↓

You keep your goddamn mouth shut.

goddamn mouth

↓

Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over

bike borrow ride stan

↓

to the reservation. - What are you talking

reservation

↓

about, Cartman? - Why name isn't Eric Cartman.

cartman eric eric-cartman name

↓

It's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow

borrow eric running running-water water

↓

your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?

bike kick nuts steal

↓

Go ahead, dude.

ahead go-ahead

↓

Man, Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.

cartmans screwed

↓

Yeah, we better get this video tape

tape video video-tape

↓

over to Mr. Mackey quick.

mackey quick

↓

Just a friendly reminder to all of you out there.

friendly reminder

↓

Send us your stupidest home videos.

home home-videos send stupidest stupidest-home stupidest-home-videos videos

↓

The grand prize this month will be for $10,000.

grand grand-prize month prize

↓

$10,000? Holy smokes.

holy holy-smokes smokes

↓

Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.

home stupidest stupidest-home video wish

↓

And Bear cried to Eagle-- - Running Water,

bear cried eagle running running-water water

↓

there is some kid here to see you.

↓

What kid? - He claims to be your kid.

claims

↓

Hi, Dad. - Who the hell are you?

↓

I'm your son, Eric.

eric

↓

My mom says you put your hoo-hoo-dilly

dilly

↓

in her cha-cha at the drunken barn dance.

barn barn-dance dance drunken drunken-barn drunken-barn-dance

↓

Your mother? - Liane Cartman.

cartman mother

↓

Cartman, oh, boy, I was worried there for a second.

cartman second worried

↓

Look, kid, I'm not your father.

father

↓

But my mom says you were the guy she was with.

↓

Kid, I hate to break this to you,

break hate

↓

but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as

americans mother native refer

↓

"bear with wide canyon." - What do you mean?

bear canyon wide

↓

She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."

cannot legs

↓

Huh? - Your mom's a slut.

moms slut

↓

Hey! - Don't feel too bad.

↓

Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened.

drunk happened remember

↓

Let me tell you.

↓

We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find

dancing tired

↓

a private spot.

private spot

↓

I knew that she wanted me because she kept

wanted

↓

saying romantic things.

romantic

↓

Oh, Chief, I want your hot man chowder.

chief chowder

↓

Whoa, hello.

whoa

↓

Wait, wait.

↓

Who is that?

↓

♪ There you are ♪

↓

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

star

↓

Chief, could you excuse me for a minute?

chief excuse minute

↓

Huh? You gotta be kidding me.

kidding

↓

Why, hello there. I don't think I've seen you

seen

↓

around before. - No, I'm new in town.

town

↓

Well, what's a nice handsome black man like yourself

black handsome

↓

doing in a pit like South Park? - I'm gonna open up

open park south south-park

↓

my own restaurant here. - My, how exciting!

exciting restaurant

↓

Would you care to put your tongue in my mouth?

care mouth tongue

↓

Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase, don't you?

baby chase

↓

I'm plastered.

↓

His tongue? Chef?

chef tongue

↓

Chef is my dad? - He's the last person

chef person

↓

I saw with your mom that night. - Oh, my God,

night

↓

I'm a black African American.

african african-american american black

↓

Come on, Kenny,

kenny

↓

get the go-kart going. I wanna ride it.

ride

↓

Did you send the video tape

send tape video video-tape

↓

to "America's Stupidest Home Videos?"

americas americas-stupidest americas-stupidest-home home home-videos stupidest stupidest-home stupidest-home-videos videos

↓

Yeah, I mailed it last night.

mailed night

↓

What sucks is that now, I'll have to actually watch

sucks watch

↓

that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.

↓

If we win, we can buy a new go-kart that actually runs.

runs

↓

Shh, here comes Cartman.

cartman comes

↓

Sup, homies? - Cartman?

cartman

↓

I was just down in the SPC kicking it

kicking

↓

with some Gs on the west side.

side west west-side

↓

You live on the east side, Cartman.

cartman east live side

↓

Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.

american native native-american

↓

Right,

↓

like I'm some hippie Indian.

hippie indian

↓

You know what I'm saying?

↓

Check it out, I'm gonna go chill with my dad.

check chill

↓

Dude, we should be videotaping this.

↓

We could make another $10,000.

another

↓

Hold on, Kenny!

kenny

↓

Oh, my God, they've killed Kenny!

kenny killed killed-kenny

↓

You bastards!

bastards

↓

Hello? - Yo, Pops.

pops

↓

Boy, what the fudge are you doing?

fudge

↓

You know, just laying down some rhymes for the G-folk.

folk laying rhymes

↓

You know what I'm saying?

↓

Get in here. - West side.

side west west-side

↓

Take that wig off! What's gotten into you?

gotten

↓

You're my dad, Chef.

chef

↓

Chief Running Water said you got together with my mom

chief chief-running running running-water water

↓

at the drunken barn dance. - What?

barn barn-dance dance drunken drunken-barn drunken-barn-dance

↓

No--did I? - He said you kissed her

kissed

↓

with your tongue. - Ooh, that's different.

tongue

↓

Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children.

children kissing pregnant tongue women

↓

Huh, so you're not my dad? - Of course not.

course

↓

Here, you children sit down, and let me explain

children explain

↓

something to you about where babies come from.

babies

↓

Then you'll see why I can't be your dad.

↓

♪ When a man loves a woman ♪

loves woman

↓

♪ And a woman loves a man ♪

loves woman

↓

Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman,

love sometimes woman

↓

but he acts like he does in order to get some action.

action acts order

↓

♪ The magic starts to happen ♪

happen magic starts

↓

♪ And the two take off their clothes ♪

clothes

↓

♪ That's right--and they caress and touch each other ♪

caress touch

↓

♪ Until a part of the man grows ♪

grows part

↓

♪ Ooh, they roll around and now things ♪

roll

↓

♪ Really start to get hot ♪

start

↓

♪ And the man say, "I love you" ♪

love

↓

♪ And the woman says, "Hold on a second-- ♪

second woman

↓

♪ I gotta go to the bathroom" ♪

bathroom

↓

♪ So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait ♪

↓

♪ And you wait and you wait and you wait ♪

↓

♪ You wait and you're cooling down ♪

cooling

↓

♪ And she's still going to the bathroom ♪

bathroom

↓

♪ Finally, she comes back, and she says ♪

comes finally

↓

♪ "Baby, I'm getting hot" ♪

baby

↓

♪ And that's when you gotta jump her butt ♪

butt jump

↓

♪ And pump her full of-- ♪ - What?

full pump

↓

Who the hell did that to my mom at the drunken barn dance?

barn barn-dance dance drunken drunken-barn drunken-barn-dance

↓

Oh, children, that was a long time ago,

children

↓

but I'll tell you what I remember.

remember

↓

Oh, Chef, you're so strong.

chef strong

↓

Hey, everybody, look who's here!

everybody

↓

The AFC champion Denver Broncos.

broncos champion denver denver-broncos

↓

Are we late for the party?

late party

↓

What the hell town is this?

town

↓

♪ There you are ♪

↓

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

star

↓

♪ I want-- ♪ - Oh!

↓

Chef, oh, Chef! - Damn, woman,

chef woman

↓

what's gotten into you?

gotten

↓

Oh, whoopee! Ah!

whoopee

↓

Garrison, what the hell are you doing?

garrison

↓

You're drunk, Mr. Hat.

drunk

↓

♪ There you are ♪

↓

Oh, man, I'm out of here.

↓

Come on, Chef, haven't you ever heard

chef heard

↓

of a manage au three? - Yeah, when two women

manage three women

↓

are involved. - Damn, damn, damn.

involved

↓

Oh, well, I guess it'll just have to be

itll

↓

you and me, Ms. Cartman. Oh!

cartman

↓

And that's who she was with last.

↓

Mr. Garrison. - No!

garrison

↓

No, no, God, no!

↓

And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

americas americas-stupidest americas-stupidest-home home home-videos stupidest stupidest-home stupidest-home-videos videos

↓

Here's a video sent to us that shows

sent shows video

↓

a very disturbed little boy.

disturbed

↓

Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants, you are my best friend.

best best-friend friend pants polly polly-prissy polly-prissy-pants prissy prissy-pants

↓

I think you are one of the

↓

coolest people in the world, Eric.

coolest eric world

↓

And you are not fat at all.

↓

Really, you don't think so?

↓

No, you're not fat.

↓

Cool, that's cool.

cool

↓

Oh, Stanley, we just heard the news

heard news stanley

↓

that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train

friend friend-kenny kenny killed train

↓

this morning. - Huh?

morning

↓

Oh, yeah. - Is there anything

↓

we can do for you, son? - How about some ice cream?

cream

↓

Yeah, with butterscotch. - You bet, you poor dears.

poor

↓

Now the moment you've all been waiting for--

moment waiting

↓

when one of our lucky videos qualifies

lucky videos

↓

for the $10,000 grand prize to be chosen tomorrow night.

chosen grand grand-prize night prize tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

The winner is...

winner

↓

"Little Boy's Tea Party." - Whoo-hoo!

boys party whoo

↓

Whoa, yes! We're in the finals!

finals whoa

↓

We're gonna win $10,000. - Man, Cartman's gonna

cartmans

↓

be famous.

famous

↓

Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.

↓

Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.

garrison

↓

Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem.

admit drinking drinking-problem problem

↓

Another Cosmo please.

another

↓

All this time, why didn't you tell me, Father?

father

↓

What the hell are you talking about, Eric?

eric

↓

It was you all along! You were with my mother

along mother

↓

the night of the drunken barn dance.

barn barn-dance dance drunken drunken-barn drunken-barn-dance night

↓

Oh.

↓

Garrison? That's impossible.

garrison impossible

↓

He's gay. - I am not gay!

↓

Then you did sleep with my mom?

sleep

↓

No. - He's gay!

↓

Okay, okay, I admit it, I might've made love

admit love mightve

↓

to your mother at the drunken barn dance,

barn barn-dance dance drunken drunken-barn drunken-barn-dance mother

↓

but who here didn't? - Oh.

↓

Now, come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex

↓

with Mrs. Cartman?

cartman

↓

Ooh.

↓

I haven't.

↓

You don't count, halfie. You don't have any legs.

count legs

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father.

eric father

↓

I'm afraid you're never going to know.

afraid

↓

Don't feel too bad there, kid.

↓

I never knew who my father was either.

father

↓

I mean, I did know who he was, and, well,

↓

we had some great times together,

times

↓

and hunting and fishing, well, hell, you know what I mean.

fishing hunting

↓

Wait, wait, I know a way to find out.

↓

How? - At my laboratory.

laboratory

↓

We can do DNA genetic testing.

genetic testing

↓

I'll take some of your blood along with the blood

along blood

↓

of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.

determine father

↓

Really? You can?

↓

Yes, of course. I mean, that much testing

course testing

↓

will cost a pretty penny, but...

cost penny

↓

How much? - $3,000 should cover it.

cover

↓

I don't have $3,000. - Oh, never mind.

mind

↓

Dude, I can't wait to win that $10,000

↓

on "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

americas americas-stupidest americas-stupidest-home home home-videos stupidest stupidest-home stupidest-home-videos videos

↓

I'm gonna buy the coolest go-kart ever.

coolest

↓

I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.

half

↓

Hey, guys. - How's it going, Cartman?

cartman

↓

Oh, fine. How are you guys?

↓

Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

↓

Oh, nothing. It's just nothing.

↓

Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?

cartman matter

↓

Well, I wanted to know who my dad is, but,

wanted

↓

to find out, they have to do these DNA tests,

tests

↓

and they cost $3,000, and I don't have $3,000.

cost

↓

Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.

moms whore

↓

Yeah, it sucks. I have to know

sucks

↓

who my father is. I just have to.

father

↓

Maybe I could work at in sweatshop for a while.

sweatshop

↓

Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play

↓

in my backyard for a while. - Uh, Cartman, we know

backyard cartman

↓

how you can get $3,000. - You do?

↓

Yeah, we have a video tape that's in the finals

finals tape video video-tape

↓

for "America's Stupidest Home Videos," and, if we win,

americas americas-stupidest americas-stupidest-home home home-videos stupidest stupidest-home stupidest-home-videos videos

↓

we'll give you $3,000 of our $10,000 prize.

prize

↓

You will? Wow, you guys are the best.

best

↓

Thanks, you guys. - Uh, yeah.

thanks

↓

And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

americas americas-stupidest americas-stupidest-home home home-videos stupidest stupidest-home stupidest-home-videos videos

↓

What kind of video did you guys make?

video

↓

Uh, you'll see.

↓

Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner.

crown winner

↓

Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos.

judges narrowed three videos

↓

First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat on Master's Head."

head masters

↓

Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.

↓

Oh, but I've gotta put a hat on my master's head.

head masters

↓

And now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has a Tea Party."

party second

↓

Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants.

pants polly polly-prissy polly-prissy-pants prissy prissy-pants

↓

You are my best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

Oh, thank you, Eric.

eric

↓

Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy.

needs therapy

↓

We're sure to win, Cartman.

cartman

↓

Then you get your DNA money. - I am so pissed off

money pissed

↓

right now. - They laughed hardest

hardest laughed

↓

at our video--we're gonna win. We're gonna win.

video

↓

And finally, our third contestant,

contestant finally third

↓

"Young Child Gets Hit by a Train."

child train young

↓

Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.

cute

↓

Hmm, I wonder if I can get this go-kart started.

started wonder

↓

Oh, I hope I don't get hit by a train.

hope train

↓

Oh, I sure did.

↓

Oh, my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!

kenny killing

↓

You bastards!

bastards

↓

Now that's what I call a joy ride.

ride

↓

And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit

naturally winner

↓

by a Train."

train

↓

Dude, we lost! - Damn it!

lost

↓

I am going to kill you guys, seriously.

kill

↓

Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.

marsh stand

↓

I won, I won! - Grandpa!

grandpa

↓

Our other finalists will have to settle

finalists settle

↓

for their $3,000 runner-up prizes.

prizes runner

↓

Well, see you next time.

↓

Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3,000.

↓

That's enough for you to do your DNA tests,

tests

↓

Kill you guys.

kill

↓

Kill you guys.

kill

↓

All right, from everyone's accounts,

accounts everyones

↓

I've narrowed down Eric's possible father

erics father narrowed possible

↓

to the people in this room.

room

↓

Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison,

barbrady chef garrison jimbo officer officer-barbrady

↓

Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski,

broflovski chief chief-running gerald running running-water water

↓

myself, my friend, Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos.

broncos denver denver-broncos friend kevin

↓

Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut,

cartmans slut

↓

but goddamn! - The test results

goddamn results test test-results

↓

are in the envelope. Shall I open it?

envelope open

↓

Yes, for God's sake, get on with it!

gods gods-sake sake

↓

The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room.

cartman eric eric-cartman father indeed room

↓

The father is...

father

↓

Who is Eric Cartman's father?

cartmans cartmans-father eric eric-cartmans eric-cartmans-father father

↓

Is it Chief Running Water, or is it Chef?

chef chief chief-running running running-water water

↓

Is it Mephesto?

↓

Or that little monkey guy that follows him around?

follows monkey

↓

Or is it Mr. Garrison?

garrison

↓

No, he's gay. - You go to hell!

↓

You go to hell, and you die!

↓

- Is it Jimbo? - Ah!

jimbo

↓

Or is it Officer Barbrady?

barbrady officer officer-barbrady

↓

Huh, where?

↓

- Or could it be Ned? - Could be.

↓

Or Mr. Broflovski?

broflovski

↓

Dad, how could you?

↓

Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?

broncos denver denver-broncos

↓

The answer is coming on an all-new "South Park"

answer coming park south south-park

↓

in just four weeks.

four weeks

↓

What?

↓

Son of a bitch.

bitch