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South Park

Season 1, Episode 10 — Damien

TMDB episode metadata
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Jesus Christ weighs in at...
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135 pounds, 1 ounce.
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Oh, crap.
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Ah, c'mon, I weigh more than that!
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Let the new prince be decided on Saturday.
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First South Park, then the world.
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Well, I think I'll...
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I think I left the oven on.
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Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.
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See you Saturday, Jesus. Good luck.
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Change my bet! - Put my money on the devil!
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I want to change my bet to Satan.
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Me too. - Hey, wait. I was here first.
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Now, as your counselor,
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I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, m'kay?
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Being the new kid can be tough,
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but I'm your friend, m'kay? - Everybody hates me.
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Well why do you suppose that is?
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Because I'm the son of the devil?
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Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?
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Because I burn them and kill them?
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Well, yeah, maybe that's it.
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What you need to do, Damien
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is to be overly nice.
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No matter how mean the other kids are to you,
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just don't retaliate.
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Be passive, m'kay.
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That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip,
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and just look at how much the other children like him now.
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I bet I can spit the most on him.
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Oh yeah, I bet I can spit in his hair.
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Nice try, a little higher and you've got it.
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Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
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Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now.
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Hey, thanks a lot
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for burning everything down, you little bitch.
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I apologize for ruining your playground
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and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus.
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I was doing my father's bidding.
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I didn't have a choice.
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Oh, excuse me, new kid
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I didn't mean to fart on you I didn't have a choice.
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Hoo, you stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
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Yeah, we're gonna call you Fartboy from now on.
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Bye-bye, Fartboy. - See ya.
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Good day. How are you, Damien?
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Those guys farted on me and then called me--
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Fartboy? Oh, good.