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Home » South Park » S01E02 — Volcano

South Park

Season 1, Episode 2 — Volcano

TMDB episode metadata

Show: South Park

Episode title: Volcano

Air date: August 20, 1997

Directors: Matt Stone, Trey Parker

Top billed cast: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Isaac Hayes, Mary Kay Bergman, Jennifer Howell

The boys get together with Stan's Uncle Jimbo and Jimbo's war-buddy Ned for a hunting trip in the nearby mountains. After Cartman's mom makes sure her "little" boy is safe and sound (much to Cartman's dismay) the group heads off for adventure. As they drive away from the town, Jimbo explains the "finer" points of hunting.

Source: TMDB

↓

And now a fireside chat with the creators of Comedy

chat comedy creators

↓

Central's "South Park, " Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

matt matt-stone park parker south south-park stone trey trey-parker

↓

Oh, hello. I'm Trey Parker.

parker trey trey-parker

↓

And I'm Matt Stone.

matt matt-stone stone

↓

And this here is old Scratch.

scratch

↓

Say hi, old fella.

fella

↓

This episode of "South Park" is called "Weight Gain 4000,"

called episode gain park south south-park weight weight-gain

↓

and it's by far our favorite episode.

episode favorite favorite-episode

↓

It's all about Kathie Lee Gifford coming to "South Park"

coming gifford kathie park south south-park

↓

and Eric Cartman trying to beef himself up for the big day.

beef cartman eric eric-cartman

↓

Exactly how much weight does Eric Cartman gain

cartman eric eric-cartman gain weight

↓

in this episode?

episode

↓

Well, after Eric Cartman starts eating

cartman eating eric eric-cartman starts

↓

the Weight Gain 4000, he gains 700 pounds.

gain pounds weight weight-gain

↓

That makes him almost as heavy as Sally Struthers.

heavy makes sally sally-struthers struthers

↓

Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever offended you in some fashion?

fashion gifford kathie offended

↓

Was she flattered by her depiction here?

flattered

↓

Well, we don't really care,

care

↓

because Kathie Lee Gifford is a--

gifford kathie

↓

Very wonderful woman.

woman

↓

Both Trey and I really, really respect her work with Regis.

respect trey

↓

Guns and bullets seem to be

bullets guns

↓

a recurring theme in "South Park."

park south south-park theme

↓

Have either of you ever killed anyone?

killed

↓

I would never kill somebody, unless they pissed me off.

kill kill-somebody pissed somebody

↓

Guys, why do you keep killing off poor Kenny?

kenny killing poor

↓

What did he ever do to you?

↓

Well, Kenny is definitely our favorite character.

character favorite favorite-character kenny

↓

And even though he is our favorite character,

character favorite favorite-character

↓

we feel we have to kill him in every episode,

episode kill

↓

and this one of our favorite deaths in this one.

deaths favorite

↓

How does someone create a show like "South Park"

create park south south-park

↓

and remain as pure and wholesome

pure remain wholesome

↓

as you both appear to be?

appear

↓

You know, everyone thinks that in order to do

order thinks

↓

"South Park" we must be wild, crazy rock 'n roll stars,

crazy must park rock roll south south-park stars wild

↓

but the truth is, we're just wholesome middle-American guys.

american middle truth wholesome

↓

We enjoy soda pop, baseball, and beating up old people

baseball beating enjoy soda

↓

just as much as anybody.

anybody

↓

So now sit back, relax, and enjoy "Weight Gain 4000."

enjoy gain relax weight weight-gain

↓

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

↓

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

faces friendly friendly-faces

↓

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

folks humble humble-folks temptation

↓

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

behind woes woes-behind

↓

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

ample ample-parking night parking

↓

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." ♪

howdy howdy-neighbor neighbor spouting spouting-howdy spouting-howdy-neighbor

↓

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

headed park south south-park

↓

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

unwind

↓

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

friends meet

↓

Hey, Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?

morning rainbow stan

↓

Yeah, it was huge.

huge

↓

Ugh, I hate those things.

hate

↓

Nobody hates rainbows.

hates nobody rainbows

↓

Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?

hate rainbows

↓

Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there

sitting

↓

minding your own business, and they'll come marching in

business marching minding

↓

and crawl up your leg and start biting

biting crawl start

↓

the inside of your ass.

↓

And you'll be all like, "Hey,

↓

get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows."

rainbows stupid

↓

Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

cartman

↓

I'm talking about rainbows.

rainbows

↓

I hate those friggin' things.

friggin hate

↓

Rainbows are those arches of color

color rainbows

↓

that show up during a rainstorm.

↓

Oh, rainbows.

rainbows

↓

Oh, yeah, I like those.

↓

Those are cool.

cool

↓

What were you talking about?

↓

Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.

forget

↓

No, what marches in, crawls up your leg...

crawls

↓

Nothing. - And bites the inside

bites

↓

of your ass? - Nothing.

↓

Children, children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet

children children-children fragile planet remember save

↓

essay contest that you children worked

children contest essay worked

↓

so hard on last month?

hard month

↓

One of our very own South Park students has won

park south south-park students

↓

the national prize.

national prize

↓

Wow, I knew I would win.

↓

Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.

exciting garrison gosh

↓

That's right, Mr. Hat.

↓

The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet

fragile national planet save winner

↓

contest is...Eric Cartman.

cartman contest eric eric-cartman

↓

What? - What?

↓

Congratulations, Eric, on writing

congratulations eric writing

↓

the award-winning paper.

award award-winning paper winning

↓

Kick ass.

kick

↓

That's impossible.

impossible

↓

Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.

cartman forest rain rain-forest tart

↓

Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

frosted tarts

↓

Out of over a million papers,

million papers

↓

Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.

chosen erics grand grand-prize prize winner

↓

Wow, what did you write about, Cartman?

cartman write

↓

Oh, you know, this and that.

↓

He doesn't even know what he wrote about.

wrote

↓

What was your paper about, Wendy?

paper wendy

↓

My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins.

bottle dolphins nosed paper suffering

↓

Well, you see, you shouldn't have written

written

↓

a paper about dolphins.

dolphins paper

↓

Dolphins are stupid.

dolphins stupid

↓

Dude, dolphins are, like, the second-smartest animal

animal dolphins second smartest

↓

on the planet.

planet

↓

Oh, right.

↓

If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught

caught smart

↓

in those fishing nets all the time?

fishing

↓

What? - Wait, wait, there's more.

↓

It says here that Eric's trophy

erics trophy

↓

will be presented to him by...

presented

↓

Kathie Lee Gifford?

gifford kathie

↓

Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?

coming kathie park south south-park

↓

And the presentation will be on national television.

national presentation television

↓

Television?

television

↓

Kathie Lee Gifford.

gifford kathie

↓

I don't believe it.

believe

↓

Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park.

gifford kathie park south south-park

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

This is our chance to make a name for ourselves, to show

chance name

↓

that we're not some pissant, white-bread mountain town.

bread mountain mountain-town town white

↓

Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.

chance publicity

↓

Yes, if I can show just how much I've turned South Park

park south south-park turned

↓

around, I could become a senator.

become senator

↓

Maybe even a state senator.

senator state

↓

Mayor, we should decorate the town square.

decorate mayor square town

↓

Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing

cafeteria chef school sing

↓

a song and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.

diversity ethnic song town

↓

That's right.

↓

He's a black guy, isn't he?

black

↓

Black as the night itself, Mayor.

black mayor night

↓

Yes, and we can even have the children of South Park

children park south south-park

↓

put on a little play.

↓

Kathie Lee loves children.

children kathie loves

↓

If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.

sweatshop working

↓

Oh! - Ouch.

ouch

↓

Thank you.

↓

You guys, guess what.

↓

After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.

famous television

↓

Hitler was famous too.

famous hitler

↓

Hello there, children.

children

↓

Hey, Chef.

chef

↓

How are my little crackers today?

crackers today

↓

Good.

↓

Did y'all hear about the news?

news yall

↓

Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.

coming gifford kathie park south south-park

↓

Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won

cartman cheated

↓

the environmental essay contest.

contest environmental essay

↓

Hey! - Yeah, yeah, whatever.

↓

But the mayor just called and asked me

asked called mayor

↓

to sing at the ceremony.

ceremony sing

↓

Wow, are you gonna do it?

↓

Of course.

course

↓

Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy.

fantasy kathie queen sexual

↓

And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into

lure sing

↓

a night of exotic delectation.

exotic night

↓

Yeah, that'd be cool.

cool thatd

↓

Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.

bigger frank three three-times times

↓

Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers

concentrate grading papers

↓

with all this excitement.

excitement

↓

Why are you looking at me like that, Mr. Hat?

looking

↓

Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering

forgotten pain suffering

↓

that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?

caused gifford kathie

↓

Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and--

↓

and I was only a child.

child

↓

We could've won that talent show.

couldve talent

↓

We could've been huge.

couldve huge

↓

Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.

knock knock-knock

↓

Who's there? Orange.

orange

↓

Orange who?

orange

↓

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

banana glad orange

↓

Thank you.

↓

Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.

might

↓

And now, our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.

epstein kathie talent

↓

♪ If they could see me now, that little gang of mine ♪

gang

↓

♪ I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine ♪

chow drinking eating fancy wine

↓

♪ I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact ♪

bums fact stumble

↓

♪ The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract ♪

attract drawer rate

↓

♪ All I can say is wowee, look at where I am ♪

↓

♪ Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam ♪

landed tonight

↓

♪ What a setup, holy cow, they'd never believe it ♪

believe holy setup theyd

↓

♪ If my friends could see me now ♪

friends

↓

It wasn't fair.

fair

↓

She had choreography.

choreography

↓

How could we compete with that?

compete

↓

But now she's coming to South Park,

coming park south south-park

↓

and I know a way to make it all better.

↓

How?

↓

No, Mr. Hat.

↓

I couldn't...

↓

kill Kathie Lee Gifford.

gifford kathie kill

↓

Children, as you all know,

children

↓

Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present

gifford kathie park present south south-park

↓

the award to some kid for an essay.

award essay

↓

That kid is me. - Whatever.

↓

Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters

youngsters

↓

do a play about the history of South Park.

history park south south-park

↓

That'll be wonderful, won't it, Mr. Hat?

thatll

↓

Kill her. Mr. Hat.

kill

↓

Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.

asking direct garrison

↓

Oh, that's perfect.

perfect

↓

You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her.

kill

↓

We can just upstage her.

↓

Mrs. Mayor,

mayor

↓

you might want to review the essays.

essays might review

↓

We think Cartman might have cheated.

cartman cheated might

↓

Who cares?

cares

↓

Now, kids, what's say we give it our South Park best?

best kids park south south-park

↓

And who's our little prizewinner again?

↓

Me, Eric Cartman.

cartman eric eric-cartman

↓

How about we get in shape, huh?

shape

↓

We want to look our best for the TV cameras, don't we?

best cameras

↓

Yes, ma'am.

maam

↓

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

television

↓

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

television

↓

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

television

↓

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

television

↓

We don't believe for a minute that you won that

believe minute

↓

contest fairly, fat boy.

contest fairly

↓

Ugh, stop defending your little girlfriend

defending girlfriend

↓

for writing about some stupid fish.

fish stupid stupid-fish writing

↓

Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.

dolphins friendly intelligent

↓

Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.

bread friendly intelligent

↓

Dolphins are way smarter than you.

dolphins smarter

↓

If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?

live smart

↓

Dolphins don't live in igloos.

dolphins live

↓

That's Eskimos.

↓

Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?

cares dolphins

↓

It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

bunch hippie hugging tree

↓

Tell me what you wrote about.

wrote

↓

I can't.

↓

I have to go home and get in shape.

home shape

↓

Yeah, right.

↓

You'll go and sit in front of the TV

front

↓

and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master.

cheesy cheesy-poofs master poofs

↓

Screw you, hippie.

hippie screw

↓

We'll be right back to "Jesus and Pals" after this.

jesus pals

↓

Hey, do you need to get in shape fast?

fast shape

↓

Wanna look your best?

best

↓

Tired of the other guys getting all the chicks?

chicks tired

↓

Are you tired of being a 90-pound weakling?

pound tired

↓

Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.

pounds weigh weigh-pounds

↓

Then bulk up quick with Weight Gain 4000.

bulk gain quick weight weight-gain

↓

Yes. - Over 4,000 grams

grams

↓

of saturated fat per serving,

serving

↓

its patented formula is designed

designed formula

↓

to enter the mouth and go directly to the stomach,

directly enter mouth stomach

↓

where it is distributed to the bloodstream.

bloodstream

↓

Now available at stores everywhere.

available stores

↓

Get some today, and say it with me, "Beefcake."

beefcake today

↓

Beefcake. - Beefcake!

beefcake

↓

Beefcake! - Beefcake!

beefcake

↓

Beefcake!

beefcake

↓

May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.

damage kidneys liver

↓

Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?

gain weight weight-gain

↓

Okay, Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.

eric store tomorrow

↓

But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.

eric grocery tomorrow

↓

Mom.

↓

Okay, okay.

↓

Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now, then.

store

↓

♪ If they could see me now, that little gang of mine ♪

gang

↓

♪ I'm eating fancy chow and drinking... ♪

chow drinking eating fancy

↓

No! No!

↓

Kill her.

kill

↓

No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.

↓

Kill.

kill

↓

That does it.

↓

You're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.

drawer dresser

↓

She'll make a fool of you again.

fool shell

↓

Well, you can just stay in that drawer, negative Nancy.

drawer nancy negative

↓

Hey, dudes.

dudes

↓

What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman?

cartman

↓

Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow

feet noticed snow three

↓

on the ground?

ground

↓

Listen, I have a nice body, and I want to show it off.

body

↓

You got that?

↓

What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds.

pounds weigh weigh-pounds

↓

I'm up to 94, thank you very much.

↓

Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.

moms

↓

Laugh all you want.

laugh

↓

I'll the one who's gonna be on TV looking all buff.

buff looking

↓

What's that stuff? - Weight Gain 4000.

gain stuff weight weight-gain

↓

It's helping me bulk up.

bulk helping

↓

Bulk up to what, fat-ass?

bulk

↓

Super fat-ass?

super

↓

Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap

↓

from you scrawny weaklings.

scrawny

↓

Sweet, check me out.

check sweet

↓

I'm such a beefcake I can't get through the door.

beefcake door

↓

Come on, people.

↓

We've got to turn this place around.

place

↓

Hang up the lights, string up the banners,

hang lights string

↓

castrate the cows.

cows

↓

Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?

garrison

↓

Huh? Oh, fine.

↓

We were just about to run it from the top.

↓

Oh, please do.

↓

I'm dying to see it.

dying

↓

Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.

side stage

↓

Good, and all the little Indians

indians

↓

go to the center of the stage.

center stage

↓

Am I an Indian or a pioneer?

indian pioneer

↓

Do you have a feather on your head?

feather head

↓

Yes. - Then you're an Indian.

indian

↓

Oh.

↓

Okay, Bebe, this is your line.

bebe line

↓

This is the story of South Park.

park south south-park story

↓

It begins over 100 years ago

begins years

↓

when the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land.

hearty indians land lived noble

↓

Oh, don't they look adorable?

adorable

↓

Then from the East came the great white pioneers.

east white

↓

Ahh!

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

They did it a lot better this morning.

morning

↓

They had more energy.

energy

↓

The pioneers met with the Indians

indians

↓

and negotiated for their fertile lands.

fertile lands

↓

Mr. Garrison, we cannot have our children

cannot children garrison

↓

beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.

beating front gifford kathie senseless

↓

Well, what do you want?

↓

This is how it happened in those days.

days happened

↓

Take that, you stupid Indian. - Ohh.

indian stupid

↓

Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate.

appropriate garrison

↓

Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford

gifford kathie

↓

would enjoy this?

enjoy

↓

To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford.

gifford kathie

↓

Oh, my God. What have I said?

↓

He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford."

gifford kathie

↓

Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.

directing garrison

↓

It happened again, didn't it?

happened

↓

Now we do things my way.

↓

I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.

kill

↓

You're gonna have to do it.

↓

Whoa, Cartman, talk about wide load.

cartman load whoa wide

↓

Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

fill nicely starting

↓

You're not filling out nicely.

filling nicely

↓

You're fatter than ever.

fatter

↓

I'm not fat.

↓

I'm getting in shape.

shape

↓

Cartman, you're such a fat-ass that when you walk

cartman walk

↓

down the street, people go, "God damn it.

street

↓

That's a big fat-ass."

↓

No, they don't, you jealous weakling.

jealous

↓

God damn, that's a big fat-ass.

↓

Hey!

↓

Hi, guys. - Oh, look, another hippie.

another hippie

↓

Peace, Wendy. - Shut up, Cartman.

cartman peace wendy

↓

Oh.

↓

♪ Two little hippies sitting in a tree ♪

hippies sitting tree

↓

I'm gonna find Cartman's paper

cartmans paper

↓

and get to the bottom of this.

bottom

↓

Can I help you?

↓

Yes.

↓

I need a gun.

↓

Would this be for hunting or protection or other?

hunting protection

↓

Other. - Alrighty then.

alrighty

↓

May I suggest a Stratford 12-millimeter?

suggest

↓

Go ahead. Try it on.

ahead go-ahead

↓

That looks really nice on you.

↓

The lacquered black really matches your eyes.

black eyes matches

↓

You talking to me?

↓

You talking to me?

↓

I don't know, it's a little small.

↓

Okay. How about this?

↓

You talking to me?

↓

Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.

↓

Here's the same gun with a wood finish.

finish wood

↓

You talking to me?

↓

I don't see anybody else around here,

anybody

↓

so you must be talking to me.

must

↓

I'll take it.

↓

Hello?

↓

"My essay, by Eric Cartman.

cartman eric eric-cartman essay

↓

"When I wrote the following pages,

following pages wrote

↓

"or rather the bulk of them,

bulk

↓

I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."

alone lived shore woods

↓

Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old Kathie Lee really will be

kathie

↓

surprised when she gets here tomorrow.

surprised tomorrow

↓

She beat us in the talent show all those years ago.

beat talent years

↓

And I think we owe her for that.

↓

Ba-bang!

bang

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Howdy, Mr. Garrison. Nice gun.

garrison howdy

↓

Thank you.

↓

Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.

garrison

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Hello, Officer Barbrady.

barbrady officer officer-barbrady

↓

Nice gun. - Thanks.

thanks

↓

Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good,

town

↓

clear shot--or a view of Kathie Lee?

clear kathie shot view

↓

Hmm, you know, I think the book depository

book book-depository depository

↓

would be a good bet.

↓

Yes, that might do quite nicely.

might nicely

↓

Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

barbrady officer officer-barbrady

↓

No problem.

problem

↓

Ha! Caught you red-handed!

caught handed

↓

No pictures of Kathie Lee.

kathie pictures

↓

Where is she?

↓

This is sweet.

sweet

↓

Camera crews are setting up, and I'm looking totally ripped.

camera crews looking ripped setting

↓

Beefcake. Beefcake!

beefcake

↓

I don't think they're gonna be able to get

able

↓

all of you in frame, Cartman.

cartman frame

↓

You guys, we have to stop him.

↓

Stop who? - Mr. Garrison.

garrison

↓

He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.

gifford kathie kill

↓

Oh, no, you don't.

↓

You're not gonna ruin my moment of fame.

fame moment ruin

↓

He's got a gun.

↓

You gotta get over this whole jealousy thing, all right?

jealousy whole

↓

Seriously, just face it.

face

↓

I wrote a better paper than you.

paper wrote

↓

It just so happens that I have your paper,

happens paper

↓

and I know why you won.

↓

There's something more important right now.

↓

Let's go.

↓

Wendy, you've got to prioritize.

prioritize wendy

↓

What's more important, being on TV

↓

or some stupid assassination?

assassination stupid

↓

Stan, I can't do it alone.

alone stan

↓

Please?

↓

Uh-oh, we're losing him.

losing

↓

Here she comes.

comes

↓

Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America

america person

↓

who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.

gifford kathie killing

↓

We love you, Kathie Lee.

kathie love

↓

I love you too.

love

↓

Come on, you little bitch.

bitch

↓

You've got to come out of your precious bubble

bubble precious

↓

sooner or later, missy.

missy sooner

↓

It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome

honor pride welcome

↓

Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.

gifford kathie park south south-park

↓

And now our very own South Park Elementary chef

chef elementary park park-elementary south south-park south-park-elementary

↓

will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.

gifford honor sing song special

↓

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

mayor

↓

You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman.

kathie special woman

↓

I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way

mary special tyler

↓

or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way.

burger extra happy happy-burger meal special value

↓

No, no, no, no, no.

↓

I mean special,

special

↓

like the song of the hummingbird as it gets ready

hummingbird ready song

↓

to find that female hummingbird

female hummingbird

↓

and make sweet love to it all night long.

love night sweet sweet-love

↓

Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and

groaning hummingbirds moaning

↓

letting their bodies caress

bodies caress letting

↓

and touch each other in ecstasy.

ecstasy touch

↓

♪ Oh Kathie Lee ♪

kathie

↓

♪ How I'd love to lay you down ♪

love

↓

♪ And lick every inch of your body ♪

body inch lick

↓

♪ With my tongue ♪

tongue

↓

What?

↓

♪ Kathie Lee you're my sexual fantasy ♪

fantasy kathie sexual

↓

What? ♪ How about you and me ♪

↓

Thank you, Chef, for that heartwarming song.

chef song

↓

♪ Get it together and make sweet love? ♪

love sweet sweet-love

↓

Thank you, Chef.

chef

↓

Oh, oh.

↓

God bless you, Kathie Lee.

bless kathie

↓

Officer Barbrady,

barbrady officer officer-barbrady

↓

Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee.

garrison kathie kill

↓

We have to find him.

↓

What? You mean the teacher?

teacher

↓

Wait a minute.

minute

↓

Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear

clear town

↓

shot-- or a view of Kathie Lee?

kathie shot view

↓

Hmm, you know, I think the book depository

book book-depository depository

↓

would be a good bet.

↓

I think the book depository would be a good bet.

book book-depository depository

↓

Book depository, depository, book depository, depository.

book book-depository depository

↓

Damn, he could be anywhere.

↓

I'll send out an APB.

send

↓

Wendy, look.

wendy

↓

And now, here to present the award

award present

↓

for the environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman...

environmental eric essay

↓

Cartman, God damn it.

cartman

↓

Is your favorite celebrity and mine,

celebrity favorite

↓

Kathie Lee Gifford.

gifford kathie

↓

Thank you. I love you all.

love

↓

Mr. Garrison, stop.

garrison

↓

Leave us.

↓

We must finish what we have begun.

begun finish must must-finish

↓

I know that she's hurt you.

hurt

↓

She's hurt a lot of people.

hurt

↓

You can't know.

↓

You should've won that talent show.

shouldve talent

↓

It is with a great honor and pride that I present

honor present pride

↓

the winner this trophy.

trophy winner

↓

Eric, would you please come up here?

eric

↓

Here it is, my big moment of fame.

fame moment

↓

And then she finished it all by throwing her voice

finished throwing voice

↓

with two dummies at once.

dummies

↓

I know that, Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.

answer garrison

↓

It is too late for me, young Wendy.

late wendy young

↓

You see, I've learned something today.

learned today

↓

You can't win all the time.

↓

And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against

certainly

↓

the person who did, because that's the only way

person

↓

you ever really lose.

lose

↓

You're...you're right.

↓

Good.

↓

Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?

dummies throw voice

↓

The bitch must die.

bitch must

↓

Ahh!

↓

Oh, my God. They killed Kenny.

kenny killed killed-kenny

↓

You bastard.

bastard

↓

Gun! - Gun!

↓

Hey, come back.

↓

We didn't even get to do our play.

↓

Aww.

↓

I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.

wrap

↓

Hey, wait a minute.

minute

↓

When do I get to be on television?

television

↓

Forget it, kid.

forget

↓

No Kathie Lee, no public interest.

interest kathie public

↓

But I won the environmental essay contest.

contest environmental essay

↓

You don't deserve to win, Cartman,

cartman deserve

↓

and you know it.

↓

I'm holding Cartman's award-winning paper.

award award-winning cartmans holding paper winning

↓

It's actually nothing more than "Walden"

↓

with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out

crossed david henry name

↓

and Cartman's name written in its place.

cartmans name place written

↓

Who cares?

cares

↓

Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.

gone kathie

↓

What about not holding anything against

holding

↓

the person who wins?

person wins

↓

Well, not if it's Cartman.

cartman

↓

Hey, where are you all going?

↓

They don't even know what "Walden" is.

↓

I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.

sitcom

↓

Come on, Wendy.

wendy

↓

Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.

fish kyles sandwiches tuna

↓

Oh, what the hell.

↓

No, no.

↓

Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever

forever stuck town

↓

with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless,

hick redneck stupid

↓

truck-driving idiots.

driving idiots truck

↓

Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.

mayor

↓

Thought you could get away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?

↓

Well, I would have gotten away with it

gotten

↓

if it weren't for those meddling kids.

kids

↓

You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee Gifford

gifford kathie lucky missed

↓

and that nobody got hurt.

hurt nobody

↓

We hope you can come back to school real soon,

hope real school

↓

Mr. Garrison.

garrison

↓

Well, children, I'd love to, but the doctors say

children doctors love

↓

that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.

needs therapy

↓

We can still get her.

↓

I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances

chances everyones ruined

↓

for being on TV.

↓

Not Cartman.

cartman

↓

He gets to be on TV anyway.

↓

Really? On what?

↓

Obesity, adiposity, corpulence.

obesity

↓

Whatever word you use, it represents one thing:

represents word

↓

being a big fat-ass.

↓

We have with us today live via satellite Eric Cartman

cartman eric eric-cartman live satellite today

↓

from South Park,

park south south-park

↓

who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house.

house obese

↓

When is this gonna be on the air?

↓

Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?

↓

Follow your dreams.

dreams follow

↓

You can reach your goals.

goals reach

↓

I'm living proof.

living living-proof proof

↓

Beefcake. Beefcake!

beefcake

↓

He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.

block needs times

↓

Mmm, how about a little more of that good loving, Chef?

chef loving

↓

Damn, woman.

woman

↓

I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago.

five five-minutes loving minutes sweet

↓

You trying to kill me?

kill