Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E04 — Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 4 — Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

(doorbell ringing)

#1

⇓

- What? - Hi, Mrs. Reynolds.

#2

⇓

What do you want?

#3

⇓

Frank sent me over to pick up his toupee.

#4

⇓

- His toupee? - Yep.

#5

⇓

What does he need his toupee for?

#6

⇓

I think he has a date or something.

#7

⇓

- Frank has a date? - Yeah, I guess.

#8

⇓

Well, he can't have it. It's mine.

#9

⇓

You own his hair?

#10

⇓

All right, fine. It's in a box in the hallway.

#11

⇓

I was gonna throw it away anyway.

#12

⇓

I'm really sorry about this. I know it's probably a tough time for you.

#13

⇓

Divorce is a tricky thing. Oh! I found it.

#14

⇓

I got the hair now.

#15

⇓

Found the hair. So I guess I'll just, uh, see myself out.

#16

⇓

Right. Thank you for the hair.

#17

⇓

Oh, shit.

#18

⇓

FRANK: Wait till you see the hair. Is really authentic-looking hair.

#19

⇓

- It looks good. - How do you know the chick, anyway?

#20

⇓

Angie Spinola. High school.

#21

⇓

Firecracker. Hung out all the time.

#22

⇓

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, we did everything together.

#23

⇓

Wild sex. Whoa! I mean...

#24

⇓

- You name it, we did it. - Well, she sounds awesome.

#25

⇓

They don't make women like Angie anymore. Tell you that right now.

#26

⇓

Charlie, you gonna be okay, I leave you alone at the bar here?

#27

⇓

I think things've been going pretty well since you put me in charge.

#28

⇓

Right. Keep your fingers crossed.

#29

⇓

What are you?

#30

⇓

Why? Why would a person wipe their own shit onto a wall?

#31

⇓

DENNIS: I don't know. (toilet flushes)

#32

⇓

What are you doing? I thought you were cleaning the toilet.

#33

⇓

What? Cleaning the toilet? No, that's what Charlie does.

#34

⇓

I'm not doing Charlie work anymore.

#35

⇓

Okay, Dad said we need to, so get back in there and clean the stall.

#36

⇓

Dee, Dee. Will you take it easy? I got a plan to get us out of it.

#37

⇓

You do? Oh, God, that's good news. What is it?

#38

⇓

Well, let's just say I got a little date tonight,

#39

⇓

and as soon as Charlie sees who it is,

#40

⇓

no more Charlie work for me. - How does that help me?

#41

⇓

- I guess it doesn't, really. - Mmm-mmm. It sure doesn't.

#42

⇓

You know, you should come up with a plan just like I did

#43

⇓

and then you can get out of Charlie work too.

#44

⇓

Oh, you think I can't come up with a plan? (door closes)

#45

⇓

- Hey! - Dennis, hey.

#46

⇓

- Got something for you. - What?

#47

⇓

Really? Wow! Oh, thank you. That's really nice.

#48

⇓

- Can I take your coat? - Uh, are we staying here?

#49

⇓

No, no. I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.

#50

⇓

- Okay. - All right.

#51

⇓

- So, what do you think? - Yeah, okay.

#52

⇓

That'll work. Are you not wearing makeup?

#53

⇓

- I'm wearing makeup. - Really?

#54

⇓

- Yeah. - Do you have any more?

#55

⇓

- No. I didn't bring makeup. - Mmm.

#56

⇓

Uh, okay. That's all right. Let's go say good night to Charlie. Come on.

#57

⇓

Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea.

#58

⇓

Oh, no, no. He's totally fine with the situation. It's cool. Come on.

#59

⇓

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

#60

⇓

Okay.

#61

⇓

(door opens) (laughing) Hey, buddy.

#62

⇓

Please knock if you're gonna be coming into my off...

#63

⇓

What ya doin'?

#64

⇓

I was doing some office stuff.

#65

⇓

Well, listen, uh, we are gonna hit the town

#66

⇓

so we just wanted to pop back and say good night.

#67

⇓

Looks like you got everything under control back here.

#68

⇓

Yeah, I do.

#69

⇓

That's a nice house of cards, Charlie.

#70

⇓

Actually, no. I was doing some business stuff

#71

⇓

'cause I'm the manager now. - Great. Well, we're out of here.

#72

⇓

- Don't work too hard okay, bud? - Good night, Charlie.

#73

⇓

- Good night. - Could you give me one second?

#74

⇓

Yeah. Thanks.

#75

⇓

(chuckles) Okay, listen. Here's the deal.

#76

⇓

Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so.

#77

⇓

I really don't wanna do that, so all you have to do to stop me

#78

⇓

s call my cell phone by 10:30

#79

⇓

and say, "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie work anymore."

#80

⇓

- You're won't get away with this. - Oh, yeah, I will.

#81

⇓

I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?

#82

⇓

10:30.

#83

⇓

Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?

#84

⇓

- You ready? - I'm ready. Let's roll.

#85

⇓

- Hey-o! What's up, buddy? - Hello.

#86

⇓

- What's that? - It's your dad's hair.

#87

⇓

- Gross. - Yeah. Is Charlie here?

#88

⇓

Yeah, man. What's up with you?

#89

⇓

- You seem flustered. - Where's Charlie?

#90

⇓

- He's in the back office. - I wanna talk to him.

#91

⇓

- Okay. Go talk to him. - Okay.

#92

⇓

Great. Yeah.

#93

⇓

- Uh... Bye, Dennis. - See ya.

#94

⇓

Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands.

#95

⇓

Normally I wouldn't talk to you about this 'cause you're unreliable,

#96

⇓

but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly involved in this,

#97

⇓

and I gotta tell somebody, man. I am bustin'. Okay.

#98

⇓

Dennis's mom tried to have sex with me.

#99

⇓

- Interesting. - She got naked, she came on to me.

#100

⇓

I mean, that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man.

#101

⇓

- I know I shouldn't do it. - I think you should do it.

#102

⇓

- What? - An opportunity like this

#103

⇓

only comes around once in a lifetime, right?

#104

⇓

And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.

#105

⇓

Yeah, that's what I'm thinkin', but it's Dennis and Dee's mom.

#106

⇓

Well, that means that no one ever, ever is gonna find out.

#107

⇓

- That doesn't make sense. - It doesn't have to make sense.

#108

⇓

You're right. I'm gonna do it. (both laughing)

#109

⇓

- Okay. Okay. Oh, this is good. - This is good.

#110

⇓

I gotta meet Frank. I gotta give him his hair.

#111

⇓

You go, 'cause I gotta plot, and I gotta think.

#112

⇓

- Great. - Get outta here. God, this is good!

#113

⇓

Dennis's mom. Yes, he is.

#114

⇓

- I'm busy. - I want my job back.

#115

⇓

- Look, I'm... What? - I want my job back.

#116

⇓

Well, I'm...

#117

⇓

And you shall have it.

#118

⇓

Oh, Dee.

#119

⇓

It looks like we both need things from each other.

#120

⇓

I am not having sex with you, Charlie.

#121

⇓

No. It's not sex I want from you.

#122

⇓

It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

#123

⇓

Hmm?

#124

⇓

Mmm. So you gotta tell me about all the shit you been gettin' into.

#125

⇓

You must have a police record a mile long.

#126

⇓

- Oh, God. No. - Don't be modest now.

#127

⇓

You remember all the shit we used to get into?

#128

⇓

You remember that night in the graveyard?

#129

⇓

- How could I forget? - That slab was cold, baby.

#130

⇓

And remember the time we robbed a motorcycle and ran it into a river?

#131

⇓

Well, you must be doin' shit like that now, huh? Come on.

#132

⇓

Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.

#133

⇓

Oh, you told me you weren't married.

#134

⇓

Oh, I'm not. Carl passed a few years ago.

#135

⇓

Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home.

#136

⇓

Carl had two children from a previous marriage

#137

⇓

and then we had five of our own.

#138

⇓

Oh, shit.

#139

⇓

Hi. I'm Jenny. I'll be your server this evening.

#140

⇓

Are you ready to order, or do you need some more time?

#141

⇓

Well, I think we need just a little more time.

#142

⇓

Okay, I'll be back in a second.

#143

⇓

- Isn't having children a blessing? - What?

#144

⇓

Isn't having children such a blessing?

#145

⇓

- What the hell you talking about? - Well, I mean, when Carl passed,

#146

⇓

my children were an enormous source of strength.

#147

⇓

- I mean, I thought... - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

#148

⇓

- Angie, I'm gonna have to stop you. - I'm sorry?

#149

⇓

- This is not gonna work out. - What's not going to work out?

#150

⇓

- You, me, talking like this. - Why? What's wrong?

#151

⇓

For starters, you've got kids and shit. And you talk about 'em.

#152

⇓

You talk about your kids, you talk about your dead husband.

#153

⇓

- It's kind of bummin' me out. - Oh, you know, I'm sorry.

#154

⇓

It's not your fault. Just, maybe... I think you're too old for me.

#155

⇓

Frank, I'm two years younger than you.

#156

⇓

That's what I'm talkin' about.

#157

⇓

- I had a really good time tonight. - I had a good time too.

#158

⇓

- Okay, what's the deal with that? - What?

#159

⇓

Why do you keep checking your cell phone?

#160

⇓

I've just been, I've been expecting an important phone call.

#161

⇓

- I'm sorry. - Right. No, good luck with that.

#162

⇓

Wait, wait, wait. Don't... Don't go. I wanna go inside.

#163

⇓

No. I'm not gonna ask you inside, Dennis.

#164

⇓

- Why not? - Because I really like you.

#165

⇓

Well, yeah. I mean... I really like you too.

#166

⇓

- Then let's take it slow, okay? - Oh... Oh, wait.

#167

⇓

Uh... I love you.

#168

⇓

(laughs) I kind of don't know what to say.

#169

⇓

I kind of don't want you to say anything.

#170

⇓

(cell phone ringing) Oh, uh, hold that thought.

#171

⇓

Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.

#173

⇓

Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.

#174

⇓

(laughs) Sorry about, uh...

#175

⇓

I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.

#176

⇓

- You're good. - Okay. Well, let's go.

#177

⇓

No. You were right. I should, I'm gonna go.

#178

⇓

Yeah. I'm gonna go now. We should take it slow. You were right.

#179

⇓

Really? Because I don't need to now.

#180

⇓

I think it's good. I think it's real good.

#181

⇓

Call me. (chuckles)

#182

⇓

Charlie?

#183

⇓

You called just in the nick of time, buddy. I was...

#184

⇓

Looks like we got a blown fuse in here.

#185

⇓

Better get on that. Blown fuses count as Charlie work.

#186

⇓

Oh, I don't think I'll be changing any fuses any time soon.

#187

⇓

I know something you don't know.

#188

⇓

That was, like, the best sex I've ever had, Mrs. Reynolds.

#189

⇓

- Like something magical happened. - Hmm?

#190

⇓

I was just saying that that was, like, so special, and...

#191

⇓

I mean, it was like magic.

#192

⇓

You're not gonna start talking about your feelings and shit, are you?

#193

⇓

No. Gay.

#194

⇓

No. It's just that, I mean, unless you want to, 'cause...

#195

⇓

No.

#196

⇓

I got a better plan.

#197

⇓

Okay. All right. So can I call you sometime?

#198

⇓

- I have your number, right? - No, I don't think so.

#199

⇓

Well, I know how to find you. Why don't we just leave it at that?

#200

⇓

All right. Did I do something wrong? I mean, was the sex bad?

#201

⇓

- Don't worry about it. - I can make adjustments.

#202

⇓

'Cause I've had to do that before, and it hasn't been a problem.

#203

⇓

- I'm shutting the door now. - If I could have a kiss goodbye

#204

⇓

that would be really great for me.

#205

⇓

If I gave you a kiss goodbye, would you let go of the door?

#206

⇓

- Yeah. - Fine.

#207

⇓

Oh, my God.

#208

⇓

- Oh! - Yeah. It's a terrible thing.

#209

⇓

It's a terrible thing for you to see that.

#210

⇓

- I'm gonna kill him. - No. No. Wait, wait, wait.

#211

⇓

What are you gonna do, punch him in the face? Throw him? Work the body?

#212

⇓

That's not gonna help. No, no, it's not gonna help. I'll tell you why.

#213

⇓

It doesn't un-bang your mom. No, you gotta do something worse.

#214

⇓

Something much, much worse.

#215

⇓

You're gonna have to bang Mac's mom.

#216

⇓

- Hi. - What?

#218

⇓

I'm looking for Mrs. Mac. Is she in?

#219

⇓

- Yeah. - I'm a friend of her son's.

#220

⇓

- I know you, Dennis. - Oh.

#221

⇓

Oh, my God. Oh.

#222

⇓

It's been a long time.

#223

⇓

Haven't seen you in a while. You look different.

#224

⇓

- I've gained a little weight. - Is that what it is?

#225

⇓

- Looks good on you. - Yeah.

#226

⇓

Yeah.

#227

⇓

Do you mind if I sit?

#228

⇓

So. Watching a little TV outside, huh?

#229

⇓

I like the fresh air.

#230

⇓

Probably gets a little lonely, though, every once in a while,

#231

⇓

watching TV out here by yourself. (chuckles)

#232

⇓

Every once in a while you probably want a man, right?

#233

⇓

(exhales) Someone to fulfill your desires.

#234

⇓

Oh.

#235

⇓

Not interested.

#236

⇓

Don't fight it, Mrs. Mac.

#237

⇓

Why don't we go inside and have a little fun?

#238

⇓

- Don't find you attractive. - What?

#239

⇓

I think you're an ugly man.

#240

⇓

- You think I'm ugly? - Yeah.

#241

⇓

- I'm not ugly. You're ugly. - Yeah.

#242

⇓

Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you, woman?

#243

⇓

You're saying that I'm... You don't find me attractive?

#244

⇓

- No. - You're not gonna have sex with me?

#245

⇓

- No. - It's ridiculous. I'm out of here.

#246

⇓

Wait. What? What just happened?

#247

⇓

I think you know exactly what just happened.

#248

⇓

No. No, come on. He did not try to have sex with that woman.

#249

⇓

He did, 'cause he's a dirty, dirty pervert.

#250

⇓

- I'm... I'm so confused. - Really? Are you? I can help you.

#251

⇓

Don't trust him. - But...

#252

⇓

(cell phone ringing) Uh-oh. Excuse me.

#253

⇓

- I need to get this. - Okay.

#254

⇓

Can you pop out real quick? (ringing continues)

#255

⇓

- Really? - Yeah. It's personal.

#256

⇓

You don't want to be rude, so... Excuse me.

#257

⇓

- Oh, my God. - Thanks.

#258

⇓

- Cat's in the cradle. - Good, good, good.

#260

⇓

Time to move to phase two.

#261

⇓

There is no phase two. I'm not doing phase two.

#262

⇓

I did everything you said. And it's over.

#263

⇓

This isn't over until I say it's over!

#264

⇓

God. Sorry. Okay. Relax, dude.

#265

⇓

One more phase. That's it.

#266

⇓

(on machine) This is Barbara. Leave a message.

#267

⇓

(beeps) Hey, uh... Not answering my calls.

#268

⇓

I get it. You're busy. You're busy. It's a busy time of the week.

#269

⇓

Um, listen, I think you should give me a call back

#270

⇓

because I know what you're afraid of.

#271

⇓

You think Frank and Dennis are gonna find out,

#272

⇓

but they're not gonna find out anything, okay?

#273

⇓

I'm gonna keep my mouth shut on this one.

#274

⇓

And I know that you know that the sex was good, right?

#275

⇓

So I think maybe we should... (knocking at door)

#276

⇓

There's somebody at the door. I'm just gonna ignore it.

#277

⇓

I think that maybe we should get together... (pounding at door)

#278

⇓

They sound pissed. Listen, I'll give you a call back. Right.

#279

⇓

- Let's go for a ride. - Why?

#280

⇓

Grab your coat. We're goin' for a ride.

#281

⇓

- Are you going to kill me? - What? No.

#282

⇓

I just wanna go out and pick up some younger chicks

#283

⇓

and I need a wing man for that. Come on. Let's roll.

#284

⇓

(disco playing) How about the two out there on the dance floor?

#285

⇓

- Go on. Go on, break the ice. - Oh, come on, man.

#286

⇓

- Come on, man. Go. Go. - All right, all right.

#287

⇓

Hey, how ya doin'? I like your top. Lookin' good. Mac.

#288

⇓

- Hi. - Hi. I'm Frank.

#289

⇓

Wanna get down? Huh?

#290

⇓

What happened? What did you do?

#291

⇓

What are you talking about, what did I do? What was that little move?

#292

⇓

That move always works with the ladies.

#293

⇓

Frank, you have never gotten a chick with that move.

#294

⇓

What are you talkin' about? That's how I got my wife.

#295

⇓

- Really? - Yeah, don't go blamin' the move.

#296

⇓

The move works.

#297

⇓

So, uh, what other kind of things worked on your wife?

#298

⇓

- She likes money. - So she likes money and dancing.

#299

⇓

Can we stop talking about my wife for a second here?

#300

⇓

You're killin' the vibe. Let me see now.

#301

⇓

Over there. Try the move.

#302

⇓

You hang over here, this side. I...

#303

⇓

Hello, hello, hello. I'm Frank. Remember?

#304

⇓

#Go, go for it Go for it, ooh

#305

⇓

#Go for it, go for it. Ooh#

#306

⇓

Where'd he go? Mac!

#307

⇓

(knocking at door) Go away.

#308

⇓

- We need to talk. - Dee, now's not a good time.

#309

⇓

Charlie is making me have sex with him to get out of Charlie work.

#310

⇓

- What? - Yeah, I know. Really gross.

#311

⇓

Am I the only one around here who's not getting laid?

#312

⇓

Dennis, Charlie is forcing me to have sex with him.

#313

⇓

Mac's getting laid. You're getting laid.

#314

⇓

Now, even Charlie's getting laid? This makes me look terrible.

#315

⇓

Well, you know what? This is all Charlie's fault.

#316

⇓

None of this would be happening if Dad didn't put him in charge.

#317

⇓

You're right.

#318

⇓

- I'm gonna kill him. - No, no. Whoa.

#319

⇓

You gotta do something worse than that. Something much, much worse.

#320

⇓

(doorbell ringing)

#321

⇓

- Oh! Hello, Dennis. - Hello, Mrs. Kelly.

#322

⇓

- You look wonderful. - Thank you.

#323

⇓

Oh. Oh, my!

#324

⇓

Well, uh, it's good to see you, Dennis. What brings you by?

#325

⇓

I wanted to bring you some chocolates.

#326

⇓

- Thank you. - Do you mind if I come in?

#327

⇓

Okay.

#328

⇓

Oh, no.

#329

⇓

- That son of a bitch. - I know it.

#330

⇓

- No! No, he said he loved me. - How dare he do that?

#331

⇓

I'm gonna stab him.

#332

⇓

- I'm gonna stab his face off. - No. No, stabbing's bad.

#333

⇓

You need to do something worse. Something much, much worse.

#334

⇓

You gotta sleep with Charlie. (whimpers)

#335

⇓

Shh. Shh, shh, shh.

#336

⇓

I'm sorry, sweetie. I just don't find you sexually attractive.

#337

⇓

Are you kidding me? You don't find me sexually attractive?

#338

⇓

What in the hell is going on? What is wrong with you people?

#339

⇓

I am sexually...

#340

⇓

I am sexually attractive.

#341

⇓

I am an attractive man. (sobs)

#342

⇓

- Bam. - What the hell is that?

#343

⇓

$443.

#344

⇓

Listen, Mac, let's just end this right now.

#345

⇓

I only slept with you to piss Frank off.

#346

⇓

Afterward I felt like I was gonna throw up.

#347

⇓

- Frank makes you want to throw up? - No. You're not listening.

#348

⇓

It's you that makes me want to throw up.

#349

⇓

Oh. So you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore?

#350

⇓

- Jesus Christ. - Wait a second. Hold on.

#351

⇓

Wait! I'm confused. So you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore?

#352

⇓

- Hey. - Oh, shit!

#353

⇓

No, Mac, it's okay. It's all right.

#354

⇓

- Listen, uh... - Okay, let me explain.

#355

⇓

No, no. I understand, okay?

#356

⇓

- You do? - Yeah.

#357

⇓

Look, I... I think I know how you're feeling.

#358

⇓

Oh, man. That is such a relief.

#359

⇓

Check this out. I...

#360

⇓

- You've done well. - Thank you.

#361

⇓

And your date with the waitress is all set up.

#362

⇓

- That is so wonderful. - I have to ask you though.

#363

⇓

How did you know that your mom wasn't gonna sleep with Dennis?

#364

⇓

Hmm.

#365

⇓

Guess I kind of overlooked that detail. Okay, time for phase three.

#366

⇓

No, Charlie. You said there were only two phases.

#367

⇓

This one's easy.

#368

⇓

Okay. Phase three complete.

#369

⇓

- It looks good? - You look really good.

#370

⇓

- You sure? - Yes.

#371

⇓

- You're all done? - I'm all done. You look great.

#372

⇓

- Okay. Thanks for helping me out. - You're welcome.

#373

⇓

The waitress is gonna be here soon. I'm gonna go back to bartending,

#374

⇓

and you will go back to handling poo-poo.

#375

⇓

- Okay. Phase four. - No! No.

#376

⇓

- I got a quick phase four. - Charlie.

#377

⇓

- Let me squeeze a phase four in. - I won't. You cannot...

#378

⇓

- Just give me one little phase... - No. No.

#379

⇓

- Okay, fine! It's over. Okay? - Thank you.

#380

⇓

You are hereby released of all Charlie work.

#381

⇓

Hey, guys, uh, can you do me a favor and not get too drunk?

#382

⇓

All right? 'Cause I got some kegs that I need changing.

#383

⇓

Uh, there's, like, you know what? There's rats down in the rat traps.

#384

⇓

Hello, gang!

#385

⇓

You're lookin' at the new Frank. Ooh!

#386

⇓

#I've still got the moves

#387

⇓

#I've still got what it takes#

#388

⇓

- What the hell is she doing here? - "What the hell is she doing here?"

#389

⇓

Really? Really. I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

#390

⇓

You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains?

#391

⇓

I had sex with your dad.

#392

⇓

That's right, I had sex with your father,

#393

⇓

because, just like you, I like my sex old and ugly.

#394

⇓

And with fake hair on their heads that falls off

#395

⇓

when you're having sex with 'em. It just falls off,

#396

⇓

because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds.

#397

⇓

You like to have sex with old people and you said that you loved me!

#398

⇓

You said, "I love you" and so I thought, "Okay, I love you too".

#399

⇓

How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people.

#400

⇓

So that's what I did too!

#401

⇓