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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E03 — Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 3 — Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare

TMDB episode metadata
Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Episode title: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare
Air date: July 06, 2006
Director: Dan Attias
Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito
After quitting their job due to Frank's continuing interference, Dennis and Dee decide to seek alternative income by going on welfare. Meanwhile, Mac and Charlie must now bear the consequences of their friends’ departures from the business.
Source: TMDB
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- Dennis, stop acting like a child. - I don't wanna hear it, Dad.
actingchilddennis
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Deandra, move the pool table so you and your brother can lay some grout.
brotherdeandragroutpooltable
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- I am not laying grout. - You guys are being babies.
babiesgroutlaying
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We're being babies, Mac? Why don't you go work for your dad all day?
babies
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- My dad's a meth dealer. - "Oh, no! My daddy's in prison!"
daddysdadsdealermethprison
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"My daddy used to give hot shots to prostitutes. Feel sorry for me!"
daddyprostitutesshotsused
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- I got the grout. - You're not even listening to us.
groutlistening
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- Are you really leaving? - Yes!
leaving
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- Later, bitches. - Yeah, have a good life now.
bitcheslife
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All right, look. I know what you're doin'.
doin
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I can play this game. Mac and me and Charlie can run the bar.
charliegame
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- Great. Terrific. It's a good idea. - We got better things to do.
ideaterrific
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Please. What are you two gonna do?
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Dee and I have a little something we like to call "goals", okay?
goals
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We have aspirations outside of this bar.
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We got big dreams, Mac. We're gonna go follow 'em.
dreamsfollow
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You guys have nothing without this bar.
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Don't worry about us, Mac. We'll be just fine.
worry
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DENNIS: So what are your dreams? DEE: Hmm?
dennisdreams
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Your goals, what are your aspirations?
goals
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- Were you serious about that? - Yeah! What are you doing?
serious
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Signing us up for unemployment benefits.
benefitssigningunemployment
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Unemployment? No.
unemployment
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Dee, that's for deadbeats. Come on.
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We got a golden opportunity here. You know?
goldenopportunity
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We can do anything we want if we put our minds to it.
minds
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Well, I could use this time to get my acting career off the ground.
actingcareerground
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- And I fully support you. - You do?
fullysupport
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Absolute. Look, the old Dennis would have said,
absolutedennis
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"Dee, your sad little acting ship sailed a decade ago. It's pathetic."
actingdecadepatheticsailedship
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But the new me says that it's not my place to kill your pipe dreams.
dreamskillpipeplace
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- You should go for it. - Really?
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Yes! Come on. This is America! We're gonna go for it!
america
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We're gonna work hard! We're gonna reach for the stars!
hardreachstars
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We're gonna become more successful than our parents.
becomeparentssuccessful
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- We can shove it in their faces. - Make 'em eat shit!
facesshove
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- Oh, look, we qualified. - Really? How much?
qualified
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- $400 a week. - $400.
week
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- It's more than we made at the bar. - I know.
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Okay, new plan.
plan
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- We're gonna go on unemployment. - Yeah.
unemployment
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- That's what it's there for, right? - In the meantime, we will focus...
focusmeantime
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Work hard and keep our nose to the grindstone.
hardnose
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Right?
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Absolutely.
absolutely
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CHARLIE: Ready? One, two, three.
charliereadythree
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(grunting)
grunting
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- God damn it! - Why can you not lift your end?
lift
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I don't know, dude. Let me figure out what is happening.
figure
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Are you lifting with your back?
lifting
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Of course I'm lifting with my back, Charlie, okay?
charliecourselifting
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But I think your end is just lighter
lighter
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cause the balls have rolled down to this end.
ballsrolled
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No! You got to snap your back up and lift.
liftsnap
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I'm jerking my back up!
jerking
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- What do you want from me? - Hey, what's the ruckus?
ruckus
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I'm trying to conduct important business back there.
businessconduct
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We finished with the tile, and we're trying to move the pool table back.
finishedpooltabletile
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All right, all right, all right. Have you done the urinal?
urinal
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Because the urinal, you flush it, and it sprays all over the place.
flushplacespraysurinal
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- Yeah, I know. I know. - Look, bro.
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You got to stop bossing us around, okay?
bossing
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I mean, look at Charlie. You're breaking his spirit.
breakingcharliespirit
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Look at me. I'm broken, dude. Look, I'm...
broken
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You guys need a father figure. And I'm trying to be that father figure,
fatherfather-figurefigure
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and someday you're gonna thank me for it.
someday
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And that's all there is to it. Trust me. Trust me on that one.
trust
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You're gonna thank me for it. (door closes)
closesdoordoor-closes
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I don't want a father figure.
fatherfather-figurefigure
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BOTH: #Oh, baby, you You got what I need
baby
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#But you say he's just a friend But you say he's just a friend
friend
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#Oh, baby, you#
baby
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Come down just a little bit. He's not hitting it that high, you know?
hitting
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- #Oh, baby, you# - Now you split the difference.
babydifferencesplit
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- You got to split the difference. - Yeah, split the difference.
differencesplit
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What the hell is this?
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Living the dream, bro. Living the dream.
dreamliving
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I thought you two were out looking for careers or something.
careerslooking
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We are, man. We're just getting a little bit of assistance
assistance
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to help us out over the hump.
hump
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And this unemployment thing is so great,
unemployment
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because we've made really big plans.
plans
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- I'm gonna be a veterinarian. - Yeah.
veterinarian
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And I am gonna move to New York, and I'm gonna be on Broadway.
broadwayyork
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What? It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and you're piss-ass drunk.
afternoondrunkpiss
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Well, you know, it's a slow process, man. It takes a little time.
processslowtakes
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- But we trust the system. - Is that a new watch, dude?
systemtrustwatch
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- It is. It's awesome. - Oh, and I got a Jesus chain.
awesomechainjesus
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- It's good. Look at it. - All right, look, guys.
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We want you to come back to the bar, okay?
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- Why in the hell would we do that? - You're not even listening to me.
listening
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- Did you see my Jesus chain? - I'm busting my ass in that bar,
bustingchainjesus
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and you guys are sitting on the stoop getting drunk all day long?
drunksitting
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(mock crying) What, this again? What, this again?
cryingmock
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- I have to work! - Cry for me. Cry for me.
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I don't know how to take advantage of government programs.
advantagegovernmentprograms
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Unemployment runs out, all right?
runsunemployment
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And once it does, you guys are gonna be back out on your asses.
asses
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Once it runs out, we're gonna go on welfare, dude.
runswelfare
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- Welfare? - Mmm-hmm.
welfare
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- You guys can't go on welfare. - Oh, really?
welfare
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It's reserved for people who need it, you know?
reserved
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Like poor people who need some help...
poor
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(stereo plays) It's set up...
playsstereo
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- To continue... - #Oh, baby, you#
babycontinue
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It's not for over privileged pieces of shit
pieces
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who want to waste millions of dollars in tax...
dollarsmillionswaste
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You want to play this game? We gonna play this game now?
game
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- #But you say he's just a friend# - God damn you!
friend
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- #Oh, baby, you# - God damn it!
baby
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#Got what I need#
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Charlie, sign here, here and here.
charliesign
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So, you're giving me all your money.
givingmoney
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Charlie, for the 500th time, I'm not giving it to you. It's not yours.
charliegiving
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I'm just setting up a temporary account in your name.
accountnamesettingtemporary
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What my wife can't find, she can't get.
wife
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Right. This is good. This is shady, Frank. I like this kind of stuff.
frankshadystuff
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But you will be handsomely rewarded
rewarded
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f you just keep your hands off this money.
handsmoney
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Right, right. So what's the vig?
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- The vig? - Yeah, man.
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You know, what's... What's the vig on this action here?
action
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Do you even know what vig means?
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Hey-oh! What's up, bitches?
bitches
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Get your gloves. I got a lot of grout work for you to do.
glovesgrout
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Forget the grout.
forgetgrout
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I have been doing a little research that will change our lives forever.
changeforeverliveslives-foreverresearch
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Turns out there's a little program called Work for Welfare,
calledprogramturnswelfare
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n which businesses hire potential welfare recipients,
businesseshirepotentialwelfare
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the government subsidizes their wage,
governmentwage
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and the IRS affords thousands of dollars in tax relief.
dollarsreliefthousands
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Oh, I don't know what you're saying. Dude, is that a question?
question
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I don't understand. What's going on?
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Don't you get it? We will never need Dennis and Dee again.
dennis
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We hire a couple people, pay them nothing,
couplehire
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and get them to do all of our work for us!
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- We just pay them nothing? - We pay them nothing!
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- That's incredible. - It's incredible!
incredible
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- What do you think, Frank? - If we do something like this,
frank
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we got to make sure we don't abuse anybody.
abuseanybody
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No. Oh, my God! I know what it's like to grow up poor, you know.
growpoor
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We got to treat people with respect.
respecttreat
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Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
gamenamenumberrespect
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- The name of almost every game. - Absolutely.
absolutelygamename
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Because we understand the plight of the worker.
worker
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- The plight! - Respect.
respect
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Respect the plight.
respect
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What do you think, Frank?
frank
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I'm good. Go get us some slaves.
slaves
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(phone ringing)
phonephone-ringingringing
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CHARLIE: No, dude. That's not what I'm saying.
charlie
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All I'm saying is that "slaves" is not a racist term.
racistslavesterm
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Look, dude, I'm... Okay, look.
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I'm saying over the history of time, right?
history
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There have been slaves of many different races.
racesslaves
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5cd65849-8b0e-4c7d-87cf-8d5b763bf665.gif
There's been Jewish slaves. I mean, uh, Italian, uh...
italianjewishslaves
↓
98dbd80e-1041-46ad-8719-2e403adfecdf.gif
I recognize that, Charlie. But in this country,
charliecountryrecognize
↓
b6d07322-42bb-4e3b-a06b-fc9d225dd78f.gif
we have to understand that it is a sensitive issue, okay?
issuesensitive
↓
257ffc60-d6d8-4606-bccd-6ea77d71e536.gif
- I understand that. - What about that one?
↓
da2ecc0f-6efc-4274-9847-5c0dcceabcb2.gif
He seems strong.
seemsstrong
↓
5d84fa56-5799-40e9-b0fd-25c64f8e0405.gif
- Look at those massive thighs. - Yeah, those are good thighs.
massivethighs
↓
94c77742-66c1-45cb-adc9-e2f9bf796448.gif
Yeah, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
problem
↓
9c39d76b-880d-4fb0-bfef-5ba1936453af.gif
That's what I'm talking about. You can't be saying things like that.
↓
aa215c14-6248-481e-8349-1b46d8d625d3.gif
No, dude. I'm not saying that because he's black.
black
↓
e5c3055a-c971-4883-a304-003c265a7084.gif
He's asleep in his chair. You know, like what...
asleepchair
↓
df4b59df-37a8-4ba5-8f03-4185b68b10de.gif
(sighs)
sighs
↓
91d57da1-7590-46d6-9616-d60d8925eceb.gif
- What about that one? - Don't do that.
↓
bcc97276-b8ad-4001-9874-a52f78f6f6d4.gif
I knew you were gonna do that. 'Cause, why are you going to him?
↓
9adf2e14-3849-494f-b565-9b0766ae8ed7.gif
That's like reverse affirmative action, dude.
actionaffirmativereverse
↓
9b0544dc-8631-45ef-9626-bd182ea6a924.gif
You don't want to do that.
↓
bd2e29e1-fec0-4a75-b636-83f6878d6fc0.gif
You could cheat yourself out of a good slave here, man.
cheatslave
↓
3a689082-4ece-491f-949f-eec8c33db527.gif
Well, how do you know he's not gonna be a good slave?
slave
↓
9c71f808-3aad-4ba2-b12f-d1805cbc7417.gif
Come on.
↓
46fd79ce-aa37-4e63-a951-87b22cbdb741.gif
- Look at that. - This is complicated and confusing.
complicatedconfusing
↓
113043e1-eea0-4997-872a-21b9f8f87393.gif
And, like, I don't even understand.
↓
c32accb6-8128-4467-96ff-2d2c9eaf79b8.gif
We got to talk to someone. Let's just talk to someone.
↓
76de8785-2518-4c46-a7ba-518e4b71fba3.gif
Hello. Hi. We are here to sign up for the Work for Welfare Program.
programsignwelfare
↓
dd433012-e5a9-4dc6-a1fc-744cf8e9977c.gif
Yeah, my associate and I were just out on the floor.
associatefloor
↓
cf8cee9b-3bb5-4348-947b-1b80430e84e6.gif
And we're looking for a suitable candidate, but...
candidatelookingsuitable
↓
339d19bb-95c5-4c4d-b010-f2c13d16c78b.gif
The problem is it's really tough to tell by eyeballing these people.
eyeballingproblemtough
↓
d782da26-8313-4933-a986-25a120bfdb3c.gif
So we were wondering, like, do you have, like, a Facebook?
facebookwondering
↓
8cdca4aa-c98b-4782-adcb-e322fff5c957.gif
Or anything that we can go over, like physical stats?
physicalstats
↓
9778fac7-0a4e-4460-9382-ad14ea5643ec.gif
- And some kind of numbers... - Excuse me?
excusenumbers
↓
60f7990f-c796-4c75-ad30-3ab18c51d60b.gif
Something to just expediate the whole process...
processwhole
↓
779d7dfe-9793-4714-9586-7934a10a38fb.gif
It doesn't work that way.
↓
7d85db5f-dfeb-4d7c-b3d5-b5c4dd0681ac.gif
Why don't you read up on some of the program's stipulations?
programsread
↓
e55a1ccf-44f7-46d0-9532-a8bbba3b92d8.gif
- Oh, that's big. - The Facebook?
facebook
↓
e0929997-a7fc-4fef-afbe-a13099c9c8f3.gif
No, "Rules and Regulations". It's, uh, sort of a legal document.
documentlegalregulationsrules
↓
14a33333-88bd-46cb-8d6a-ac8fe7466073.gif
- Now, is there any way around this? - None whatsoever.
whatsoever
↓
f6bcd339-4c16-4edd-8840-24bad01a01cb.gif
- Okay. - All right, well...
↓
457d5e16-7673-4c66-b9b9-affa964956b7.gif
- Thank you for your time. - We got this, so we'll read it.
read
↓
56a8f17e-768d-48be-a49b-181317214b63.gif
Have a good one. I'm not reading that.
reading
↓
4f351052-eeab-4122-b577-a279d0fa8fd1.gif
- No, I'm not reading this either. - We'll get Frank to do it.
frankreading
↓
6f5b351c-8f74-4f83-880c-66b69d9d6da6.gif
Maybe get a slave to do it.
slave
↓
c0d885d8-1d5d-4927-916e-15217218ff70.gif
- Oh, look what the cat dragged in. - Oh, well...
dragged
↓
964c1855-7bb9-40bc-8d6f-51039561aa9a.gif
I see you've decided to steal our welfare idea.
decidedideastealwelfare
↓
f4dee3fa-0c55-42dc-b97c-55af06689af8.gif
- I can't say I'm surprised. - We're not stealing your idea.
ideastealingsurprised
↓
b3d7fbd6-ae3d-469b-842c-205528b5c268.gif
Let's all recognize that this is a little awkward situation
awkwardrecognizesituation
↓
4011c4b8-8821-4eb3-a1f1-98cc345ec69f.gif
between friends at the welfare store.
friendsstorewelfare
↓
6a3fcd46-f9ee-44dc-b89d-4e08149c43b5.gif
- Let's go our separate ways, okay? - You guys can't get welfare!
separatewayswelfare
↓
960d23e1-16c8-4c85-a201-6da6bcc86f1b.gif
- Uh, yeah. We can. - No, you can't!
↓
a734b47f-bc8d-4f64-901c-9e10166a9224.gif
They don't give it to any jackass that walks in here.
jackasswalks
↓
6c9d44dc-e0b7-4342-9b42-72dcf17de945.gif
It's reserved for people who need it, okay?
reserved
↓
41939351-f010-4d2b-acb3-05bcd20cee44.gif
- Drug addicts, mentally disabled... - Mac, we've got it covered. Dee?
addictscovereddisableddrugdrug-addictsmentally
↓
2f5ff9b6-4575-4fc0-ab61-84d7db73ccad.gif
Your bicycle helmet.
bicyclehelmet
↓
80c3f0d2-1ea0-49d0-b2a2-471821572655.gif
Later, boners.
boners
↓
f875bdc8-4651-496a-baae-c25d71d2ca83.gif
(sighs) - That's an awesome helmet. - What? Go! Out!
awesomehelmetsighs
↓
e68b2343-b468-44cc-bf34-41922aeb282e.gif
Hello.
↓
8a0aca71-d71d-4a1c-8db1-d0b24ef32740.gif
Hi. Um, I'm a recovering crackhead.
crackheadrecovering
↓
35fd9a9d-21b2-4c81-bccd-2a29e05126b1.gif
This is my retarded sister that I take care of.
careretardedsister
↓
8a2bdc0d-3a6c-4517-834f-077849bb137f.gif
I'd like some welfare, please.
welfare
↓
0d6e2d2d-87e3-4987-bb41-fa736c40ac1d.gif
You're a recovering crack addict?
addictcrackcrack-addictrecovering
↓
3e62d441-26f8-479a-8063-fe31529abe6e.gif
- Yep. - Mmm-hmm.
↓
970a95f1-190f-4fbc-b942-463e8cb7e94c.gif
And she's mentally retarded?
mentallyretarded
↓
016855a6-774e-4bb4-ab67-dd783bf06ed2.gif
Oh, most definitely.
↓
5fed13ee-62b6-4a7f-9c59-bebe4bbc9a71.gif
You have the proper medical paperwork?
medicalpaperworkproper
↓
dd0a1e8c-9465-4e60-b4a1-6c250a4dc911.gif
Medical paperwork?
medicalpaperwork
↓
10991d61-fc54-4fbc-8c3f-c5e665c13005.gif
We're gonna need a physician's report
physiciansreport
↓
1bc3aaf0-d337-487b-a54f-2ea1b623c09f.gif
to confirm your sister's mental illness,
confirmillnessmentalsisters
↓
6ae74ef5-5e6a-4e2b-b23b-1e0cc03fa991.gif
and your blood work to confirm your...
bloodconfirm
↓
108cd60a-a734-4cc7-aca0-3b74dfb169fe.gif
... crack addiction.
addictioncrack
↓
20b099c4-70f8-427b-8773-904aad2ad7ff.gif
Well... Can't you see how retarded she is?
retarded
↓
ebe36dd8-728e-4323-b6e0-48457964e88a.gif
(grunting)
grunting
↓
89bdf771-653d-4b3c-a163-a9f16bc74b5a.gif
(sighs) Lose the helmet, sis. We can't prove that you're retarded.
helmetloseproveretardedsighs
↓
fab51fcc-0c21-490f-ab1b-15d944638831.gif
- I want that welfare, Dennis. - I know you do. So do I.
denniswelfare
↓
66aecab7-79d3-42a0-85fe-dfdbaee3bdc2.gif
You don't understand. I got a taste of my dream. I can't go back.
dreamtaste
↓
170ae6d9-9c0b-4771-9942-c464f0e0f9f1.gif
I got to get to Broadway, and welfare's the key.
broadway
↓
86345ea2-90b7-456b-9376-7bd176a0a01f.gif
- What do you wanna do? - Oh, they wanna play rough?
rough
↓
99f68cbf-da0b-4dcd-a796-73502ee5613f.gif
We can play rough. Let's go buy some crack.
crackrough
↓
0975da7f-6f70-4a86-8d62-818cb6f21ff4.gif
(sirens wailing) (dog barking)
barkingsirenssirens-wailingwailing
↓
82dca577-d091-46a8-8751-8e4e2478cd16.gif
Okay, thank you. We're all set. Friday, 3:00. Full blood work.
bloodfridayfull
↓
3f9cedd0-3239-4169-8359-b5a59cfa8b53.gif
- We'll just smoke a little bit. - A little bit.
smoke
↓
866b318c-5f4a-4a14-9b63-195ea9e254ee.gif
- Enough to get into our system. - And then we'll go to the doctor.
doctorsystem
↓
84246ec3-2e08-4441-81ca-a49cae593d4a.gif
We'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.
benefitsfullfull-benefitspaperwork
↓
6ab81687-fc02-4386-89b0-7b8b9cadf063.gif
Then we'll collect for just a little while until we get settled.
collectsettled
↓
39a040ed-8721-45ac-a4e5-5c55f3480e70.gif
- And then I'll take the MCATs. - I'll move to New York. Perfect.
perfectyork
↓
f862bd56-43ea-45ed-afd0-f2ff68f736fd.gif
(gasps) Oh, my God!
gasps
↓
119a60a1-2b7e-4be9-a044-b16b7f6fa6f2.gif
- Oh, Jesus! - Oh, wow, you scared us.
jesusscared
↓
dae04c47-abcb-4ada-8aa3-bcd09d2afbb7.gif
Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no.
black
↓
cda4dabf-1bb5-4947-af7a-92520896d464.gif
- No, we're not racist. - No, no, no, no. God, no.
racist
↓
74a310de-5438-4d50-94a8-ec6f061d65eb.gif
- The neighborhood is scary. - If you were another ethnicity...
anotherethnicityneighborhoodscary
↓
551ca3dc-aa71-4e9a-93e7-f7fc2700a447.gif
- You really did pop up. - But it's a nice neighborhood.
neighborhood
↓
b84d886f-a262-4295-b3fc-ef07e0e55451.gif
- It's the nature of this... - Roll your window down.
naturerollwindow
↓
443a4c09-ae5b-4ea5-89f7-f3f4f0fbf7e8.gif
Okay.
↓
e245d0c6-9d41-42b3-bb79-8b7d8aea16b0.gif
- What you need? - Uh, one, please.
↓
b9169134-6121-4610-b77b-218bde25c0c2.gif
- One what? - Uh, one rock of crack.
crackrock
↓
1f81e381-d234-48f6-aea2-7a42123137d0.gif
A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?
crackcrack-rockrock
↓
60277b86-df3b-4569-8baf-e0ab0cc75609.gif
How much would you recommend for a first-time user?
recommenduser
↓
fa1107c7-63cc-4b63-9fbf-41a6f82a2a9c.gif
Tell you what. I'll make you a deal.
deal
↓
f0c66c2d-9441-4bd2-81b4-962a5cd638ff.gif
Two for the price of one.
price
↓
d5f1669e-a87f-4ea3-a70f-80969fb426f3.gif
- Really? - Oh, that sounds good.
sounds
↓
476fe56a-7ccc-4d69-a9f6-ec96127cf4b1.gif
- That's very nice of you. - How much?
↓
d905e80d-67c7-4491-b0c2-c2b9a827b18d.gif
Uh, $200?
↓
51292251-9a85-4842-9404-2fc61e420fac.gif
- Okay. Uh-huh. - Sounds reasonable. Great.
reasonablesounds
↓
b3af0260-f5fa-4801-9365-d03560715cc1.gif
Okay. Let's see here, uh...
↓
508cfa41-5217-427a-b8e1-07c677faa797.gif
That should be about 200. Thanks for being so kind.
thanks
↓
731c277a-e254-44aa-8b82-485d58913074.gif
And patient.
patient
↓
fdae8bb1-e262-48df-94a6-7a4256d1323e.gif
Pick it up down there.
pick
↓
19aabe9e-e0d3-4d29-a036-065daed94594.gif
- Wait. Where? - Which...
↓
1e7d40a6-8e17-4f5c-9e7f-3569fc3f7de3.gif
- This one. It's got to be that guy. - Don't say "this one".
↓
8a0ad86c-bf8c-492c-a81a-d7949c8c1063.gif
Maria, after you're done in the bathroom you come look for me,
bathroommaria
↓
d30028bf-9fa3-48ce-88da-55b963c9e179.gif
because I got some boots to be shined, all right?
bootsshined
↓
960eef53-d4d8-42b7-9441-8df6bee05e97.gif
Tony, go chase that leak down in the basement, all right?
basementchaseleaktony
↓
367ec1b6-a063-4865-9ae8-0ec2b8f6cd48.gif
Okay, boss. (exhales)
bossexhales
↓
5e150f8e-9581-4318-8126-b402aac0626d.gif
Mac, I got to hand it to you. This is brilliant.
brillianthand
↓
08c55a38-9584-40c3-9343-3738db79ea39.gif
That's how I roll. Charles?
charlesroll
↓
ea08df56-26fa-4c25-9b40-c37d7d33c834.gif
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get nice and drunk,
drunk
↓
40c2daba-ebfe-4555-96b9-fd157eda17b3.gif
play some video games until my eyes bleed.
bleedeyesgamesvideovideo-games
↓
c5a14b8d-da88-4813-ae78-142142bce12c.gif
- Amen to that, brother. - Me too. I wanna play Charlie.
amenbrothercharlie
↓
d9838c1b-438b-4e1c-9b01-b89f86d18ca7.gif
Uh... Don't you have, like, some stuff that you need to do?
stuff
↓
605b161c-12f9-4940-a981-30aa81e857a2.gif
- No. - Yeah, managerial stuff.
stuff
↓
16c0bc36-fe18-4252-a2f3-c798d2fdef2e.gif
- Managerial stuff! - No, I got that all cleared up.
clearedstuff
↓
4f2a8909-d221-4b5f-8df5-4714aac61bd6.gif
And then I thought after we played a video game,
gameplayedvideovideo-game
↓
872ed3a1-cbc7-4e01-84ee-2acfb3967e1c.gif
the three of us go outside,
three
↓
3fcca50b-6f8d-4b07-ac5e-83a9bf6a269c.gif
throw the pigskin around, play some two-hand touch.
handthrowtouch
↓
ec8f46c8-92cf-419a-91fc-c67e36a2199a.gif
- Hey, that's not gonna work out. - I'll teach you how to play.
teach
↓
cd44fb9c-3d46-4662-b80e-b4606560fd8c.gif
- Yeah, I already know how to play. - Not properly though.
properly
↓
303db3f3-0479-4736-9b98-3dde9e9c5df1.gif
- Kind of properly. - Right. Oh, Charlie. You know what?
charlieproperly
↓
61ddedef-51ae-4c07-8f0a-8c0593f17077.gif
We got to get into the bathroom to show Maria...
bathroommaria
↓
f9f4c797-cd66-4ab7-b64b-010b9936086a.gif
Charlie has this thing, the scrubbing.
charliescrubbing
↓
d4990bda-cd40-487b-9aee-dd4beaa89cf7.gif
Charlie has this scrubbing thing with the Brillo.
charliescrubbing
↓
2e268092-9dfc-4eb1-a1c6-73085f9bbda1.gif
- I have a Brillo. - He has a method.
method
↓
73060a6e-a4b5-4fa6-b60d-590bcac84203.gif
- And we got to show her. - Make sure that she's got it down.
↓
be81cbad-a341-45f5-9b40-9dd600cc6039.gif
- I'll get myself a beer. - Yeah! Yeah, get a beer.
beer
↓
e5241e46-40ab-429e-bf67-19d609ea36a0.gif
We'll work it out over here.
↓
78ea9bda-66d9-4c02-a091-ce49ef6ec4ec.gif
Well, this is a development I did not expect.
developmentexpect
↓
813e369c-894e-4154-bf23-a6df6fde5c8c.gif
It's like he's really trying to become our father.
becomefather
↓
df9e998e-8c97-4da7-9fcd-4e0d32bbe6d2.gif
- I know how to play football. - I know you do, bro. I know you do.
football
↓
95646104-e69a-42cd-992c-3d1515f828b2.gif
(sighs) Do you want me to leave?
sighs
↓
92066caf-f900-4336-aa87-9c6d3dd9940a.gif
Huh? No, you're good. Make sure you really work the sponge in there.
sponge
↓
e8b4c95f-b94a-462b-a20a-452e26d55ea7.gif
Because otherwise, that stain, like, it'll...
itllotherwisestain
↓
8740ccab-26b5-4279-849f-feaf3cef39d2.gif
- It's not clean if you don't. - Yeah. It's gonna get worse.
cleanworse
↓
45a26ba6-7782-4115-9238-04c0af3836f2.gif
Charlie, what are we gonna do? We got to ditch him or something.
charlieditch
↓
09e377fb-f9e4-42c0-95f8-884d383cc661.gif
Tell you what. How about you and me, we go out on the town?
town
↓
9aa75df3-18ec-463b-b30d-1f9595859e98.gif
You know what I mean? We celebrate this whole...
celebratewhole
↓
40783dae-56a6-446f-aed3-20838c2373ab.gif
(whispers) Slave situation.
situationslavewhispers
↓
f836daea-d1be-41fc-90ed-5337187c9517.gif
I'd love to, Charlie. I really would but we don't have any money.
charlielovemoney
↓
0be80711-1cd9-4aa3-83cc-f4ad2c278b18.gif
- What are we gonna do? - Oh, I got money.
money
↓
37e3eb84-4233-480a-934f-f2bf0fd76a0b.gif
- What? - I got a whole bunch of money, bro.
bunchmoneywholewhole-bunch
↓
8054e27a-1118-4e04-a35e-8ed58aef2a75.gif
Frank's been hiding all of his money in my account.
accountfrankshidingmoney
↓
25471f68-b3cd-433a-b2fb-7419450b51cd.gif
And why was I not made aware of this before?
aware
↓
f79922c9-df6b-4450-b81d-de49e360633e.gif
Uh, it's got something to do with the vig.
↓
7642e55f-5c17-46e6-9b35-f04c0f9b0b79.gif
What's a vig?
↓
3b41d4eb-0794-4527-a9db-03e043ccb9e2.gif
Well, you know how gangsters, they talk about a vig?
gangsters
↓
746ca468-75f6-414a-a37a-498b4a15459a.gif
- Yeah? - And it means...
↓
295b1920-5e20-4b4c-ace8-2146c0d93b43.gif
- Yeah. Oh, a vig! - A vig.
↓
baba570c-9f63-44e7-b7dd-ddf99f045c4b.gif
- Yeah. Well, you should have a vig. - I should have a vig, right?
↓
30cf7af9-4b8a-436b-9aaf-a2709ef90466.gif
- And Frank didn't give me one. - It's bullshit! You deserve a vig.
bullshitdeservefrank
↓
3765960b-52b6-4958-a41b-ddebc6e98d9c.gif
- I do. I'm a good guy, right? - You're a great guy.
↓
5dd68d70-be78-4154-8554-da418c3b7012.gif
We're all great guys who deserve vigs. We're good people.
deserve
↓
b7380a8a-8754-49d0-af1e-b069ee8f61ab.gif
All right, here's the plan. We're gonna slip out of here, okay?
planslip
↓
b16f5368-ed51-4cb6-95d9-782a3ced8c61.gif
We're gonna hit an ATM. We'll take out just a little bit of cash.
cash
↓
c02744c2-89fb-40db-b64b-76ad9e668e6f.gif
- Just a little. - Just enough. He won't even notice.
notice
↓
2f094e37-d231-4318-8afc-e3c8518ea97c.gif
Just enough to have a quiet night out.
nightquiet
↓
4789d5b4-18fa-4251-b77a-6b612db1ce69.gif
(whooping) Here's some for you! Here's some for you!
whooping
↓
13c9d9f5-5782-47a6-af90-8941bb420575.gif
And here's some for you! (laughs)
laughs
↓
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(rooster crows) (alarm clock rings)
alarmalarm-clockclockcrowsringsrooster
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Oh, God.
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Oh, shit!
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Dennis!
dennis
↓
a445f511-d549-4808-accb-327bd5574d1c.gif
- Dennis! - What happened?
dennishappened
↓
b393fb85-0196-4aeb-a877-0e3db5b62bc5.gif
It's 4:00. (shudders)
shudders
↓
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I'm freezing and I'm sweating all at once.
freezingsweating
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I think I may have peed in my pants.
pantspeed
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We missed our doctor's appointment.
appointmentdoctorsmissed
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Well, only by an hour. If we hurry, maybe they'll still see us.
hourhurry
↓
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It was yesterday. We missed our appointment by an hour and a day.
appointmenthourmissedyesterday
↓
e0b8daac-6c09-4951-9eba-04dc52c4ecb9.gif
We slept through a whole day?
sleptwhole
↓
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- I feel awful. - I feel like I'm gonna die!
awful
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I don't wanna feel like this anymore, Deandra.
anymoredeandra
↓
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Mmm-mmm. Me either. Okay, listen.
↓
f1cac1fc-1897-4071-bc95-8d6659ab2a02.gif
Maybe if I make a phone call right now,
phone
↓
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we'll be able to make another appointment.
ableanotherappointment
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You think he'll see us on such short notice?
noticeshortshort-notice
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We have got to try.
↓
aa523c2c-6555-4883-a878-03bba7302f6c.gif
Hey, man. Thanks for seeing us on such short notice.
noticeseeingshortshort-noticethanks
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- That's what I do, baby. - Two more, please.
baby
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15cb2a09-0ae5-45d6-b05e-bb95bffdda7d.gif
That guy. Yeah.
↓
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No, these are old, and I need to get new head shots.
headshots
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Because you can't have an agent without head shots.
agentheadshots
↓
075f6988-7a47-4e90-99cf-01308e8334d7.gif
Dennis, when you become a veterinarian,
becomedennisveterinarian
↓
cae891a1-6acc-4180-9d1a-3b5198235843.gif
will you buy me some new head shots? Please? Dennis?
dennisheadshots
↓
c054dfac-7af7-4992-a26e-dd9658889660.gif
- Hey! Dennis! Hey, Dennis. - Huh. What?
dennis
↓
9c9f6bb3-90f6-4ea3-a915-e1b061543911.gif
When you become a veterinarian, will you buy me head shots, please?
becomeheadshotsveterinarian
↓
f845e875-a7a2-4a65-b760-4eb95d235ee6.gif
Hey! Hey, get out of here, you piece of shit! (dog barking)
barkingpiece
↓
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Yeah, I'll buy you stuff.
stuff
↓
c244216a-4379-4435-9160-901e55014194.gif
I'll buy you lots of things. (exhales)
exhaleslots
↓
307e480f-1743-4ebc-82ce-3fd9a8c52803.gif
I'm definitely gonna buy a bunch of crack.
bunchcrack
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22ef6614-30b5-4e84-86df-9a0cfaae6f28.gif
(all laughing)
laughing
↓
7ce8dc6c-fedf-4bd7-837a-fc74f83a9ac3.gif
- Hey! Hey, that's Dennis and Dee! - Driver, pull over!
dennisdriverpull
↓
398c89fb-37e5-465b-9e8a-2a7083eb978c.gif
Hey, Dennis! Dee!
dennis
↓
e64678cd-a0ea-495c-9534-3ffd652648f7.gif
- Oh. - Hey.
↓
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- Guys. Hey. - Hey. Hey.
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- Hey, how's it going? - Oh, yeah. It's gonna...
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0d0f6bdd-e5c3-4bcf-8be0-72e89553c0a1.gif
We're putting a couple things together lately.
couplelatelyputting
↓
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- Hey, uh, are you guys holding? - Holding what?
holding
↓
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Holding... Do you have any money?
holdingmoney
↓
21e2ce0c-2bcf-4543-a33a-377a4c3e7737.gif
- Please? - Oh, um...
↓
8c2b7186-72c6-4a34-b4df-ab9f281a049d.gif
- I just need a little bit of money. - Charlie, wait!
charliemoney
↓
a1629f19-20b4-4a01-8c34-1108637dfb44.gif
DEE: Charlie, wait! DENNIS: No!
charliedennis
↓
139171db-7048-4196-b265-c47a231253d9.gif
Driver, we're done here. (all laughing)
driverlaughing
↓
b71d909d-080e-4949-aca4-cde30bacfc45.gif
That's enough whining, for crying out loud!
cryingloudwhining
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d23729de-ce32-476b-8d1c-9f9c2cd6196d.gif
I think it might be broken.
brokenmight
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8f6ffc4d-8091-4a23-94a7-9270ad5a8ab1.gif
I told you not to act like such a nancy boy out there.
nancy
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Something was bound to happen.
boundhappen
↓
22273f04-b014-48eb-8a4a-43dc1ccdb21b.gif
I didn't think it was full-contact.
contactfull
↓
e34c7538-8ee8-40b9-96af-d801874b2f49.gif
How do you expect to become a better player if nobody pushes you?
becomeexpectnobodyplayerpushes
↓
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Maria, go get us some ice and three beers.
beersmariathreethree-beers
↓
3f759e83-f666-4685-93ed-b9c6a9ecfe4b.gif
- I don't drink. - Me neither.
drink
↓
766a2bba-360b-4b93-862a-bfde42f0c805.gif
You don't drink? Jesus Christ! You two are a couple of downers.
christcoupledrinkjesusjesus-christ
↓
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You work hard, you don't drink. How'd you end up on welfare?
drinkhardhowdwelfare
↓
c394de6e-9329-411c-b281-481214f1a136.gif
It's a vicious cycle, Mr. Frank.
cyclefrankvicious
↓
c456dc21-0143-49c6-aaeb-66c481a3fd60.gif
I mean, one cannot support a family on a minimum-wage...
cannotfamilyminimumminimum-wagesupportwage
↓
1f01c767-3509-41e0-883f-9eaf91c9d61a.gif
(cell phone rings) Oh, shh-shh-shh-shh!
cellcell-phonecell-phone-ringsphonephone-ringsrings
↓
d778f5a1-24f9-40fc-a970-65040314934d.gif
Y'ello?
yello
↓
9f164f40-4998-412d-ab86-c56b7d74121f.gif
This is Pam from First National Bank. Charlie Kelly, please.
bankcharliecharlie-kellykellynational
↓
96f69e6f-847e-47a1-94d2-349f42d0cc40.gif
- Yeah, this is Charlie Kelly. - Hi. I'd like to speak with you
charliecharlie-kellykellyspeak
↓
e96b41f6-9de4-408e-9553-fa667abd3ae5.gif
about some recent activity on your new account.
accountactivityrecent
↓
b85e179c-6944-49db-b88f-08b3678b91e0.gif
Some recent activity on my new account?
accountactivityrecent
↓
33a31386-d45e-4191-8f6f-9d80becde530.gif
- We got a big problem here, buddy. - All right. Try it again.
buddyproblem
↓
db1293a0-a432-4ed2-a253-7aa54f22db44.gif
I've tried it three times, okay? It's just not working.
threethree-timestimestriedworking
↓
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Need I remind you that the services have already been rendered, Charlie.
charlieremindservices
↓
8f4fe7a6-888f-4df4-a54d-7db7750b1554.gif
- We got to pay these girls. - He cut us off.
girls
↓
030d5ee4-e7a9-4583-a453-09aa65c0a2c5.gif
- Is there a problem? - No.
problem
↓
db847312-232d-47ce-a129-d1001abcbf9b.gif
- Not a problem here. - Yeah, I'm calling Hector.
callinghectorproblem
↓
163159ae-8b80-4adb-9aed-8c813099b8c8.gif
- No, no. Don't call Hector. - I'm calling Wallace.
callinghectorwallace
↓
0cc23cb3-6217-49b7-afc2-19ceadf1232c.gif
We shouldn't be calling Hector or Wallace or any other large pimp.
callinghectorpimpwallace
↓
d9e5b7ce-9efe-47cb-894d-790159530de3.gif
Charlie and I are gonna handle this situation
charliehandlesituation
↓
f29add3d-7d18-4cd1-a96a-5a3cc5cb1ee9.gif
just like we handle every situation. - Yeah, we are gonna...
handlesituation
↓
684309eb-1440-4335-a01e-b9e12ab71dc0.gif
Well, you know, we'll just go back to work for a little while.
↓
9d8271ad-9e94-4fb1-9828-40db8cde817f.gif
Just for a little while 'til we have enough money to buy some more crack.
crackmoney
↓
93b7c027-fa01-443b-8a53-380860552734.gif
And then, we'll go on welfare, and I'll go be a star.
starwelfare
↓
09028a85-6c8b-46b9-bfc3-67486eb5f9db.gif
And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind.
veterinarian
↓
1421ee09-85dc-4518-a5f6-3ccd1d26bf12.gif
- Maybe we should think about rehab. - Go to rehab as soon as possible.
possiblerehab
↓
10e936f7-6f40-42e2-ae35-c06ec65be08e.gif
- In a couple days. - Yeah.
couplecouple-daysdays
↓
c19f6e04-5397-4ffd-b057-746fde75a944.gif
Not now. (shouting)
shouting
↓
8ac67c55-0fb9-4011-9790-a68975718390.gif
- Ah, Jesus Christ! That was close. - Oh, look who it is!
christclosejesusjesus-christ
↓
28fb5512-ea1b-433d-a3cb-f3090a4d9b7e.gif
- What the hell are you doing here? - We're getting our jobs back.
jobs
↓
98f31d3f-d1bd-4121-8b17-7a1022797584.gif
- You can't have em! - We might have a drug problem.
drugdrug-problemmightproblem
↓
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Oh, see, I might not really care. Your positions have been filled.
carefilledmightpositions
↓
4b7d7ef2-d02d-4cdd-b15e-c0c736289eb9.gif
- So we're gonna take yours. - You're not gonna take our jobs.
jobs
↓
c5d38512-6f23-48ac-b0f8-e82db2d3c95d.gif
My dad called and said that we could have your jobs.
calledjobs
↓
6a7ac723-2c06-4126-90cc-9c904eee2001.gif
We need money to pay our hookers, okay? So you can't have 'em.
hookersmoney
↓
f9421f60-b3a9-48bc-8b94-f07cb6a5db22.gif
- But we need money to buy crack. - Oh, I'm sorry.
crackmoney
↓
74aa856c-7083-482a-aadd-de6f5e03eea9.gif
Did you get addicted to crack? Did somebody get addicted to crack?
addictedcracksomebody
↓
a1e4d0b8-62c7-475b-9ad1-7fcd8f79ddf5.gif
(mock crying) I sweat uncontrollably!
cryingmocksweat
↓
113ad5ea-c7e7-4587-8c58-d08d4f9de66a.gif
I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!
somebody
↓
d5c22901-ea78-4366-987e-df6ad3aec36f.gif
(arguing) Children, what's all the fighting about?
arguingchildrenfighting
↓
262343f5-95ae-4498-ab69-7fd3d6543830.gif
Did you tell them that they could have our jobs?
jobs
↓
9d47c687-c3a3-435a-83c6-987b34d5ed88.gif
Why don't we go on inside where it's nice and warm
warm
↓
822c7aa2-0487-4e9e-bf6f-1048573c0584.gif
and we can settle this like a family?
familysettle
↓
c2d54984-a4dc-4c51-821a-902059d767a7.gif
- Yeah, what about the slaves? - Slaves are gone.
goneslaves
↓
cfebaddb-d9a2-40de-91cd-6c8137bf2109.gif
They were bringing me down. Plus, you know they don't drink?
bringingdrinkplus
↓
ad73b318-fb96-4896-94ac-0eeab0e23ab9.gif
- Drink? I want a drink. - Wait, wait, wait!
drink
↓
be689b46-14d9-47f3-9fdb-ff58e027f3ad.gif
Stop a second. There are gonna be some changes made. All right?
changessecond
↓
7d7791a1-f40b-435c-b76b-f1bc90ad5901.gif
First of all, you two from now on are gonna do all of Charlie's work.
charlies
↓
b1b3a229-7526-48e7-96fe-d0f09597e707.gif
- No. Not his. - Stop!
↓
5617f4f4-8e2f-44b3-b39b-f457d537dc19.gif
Charlie, you got a lot of balls stealing my money.
ballscharliemoneystealing
↓
f94bf900-fe34-4cc9-8dd5-1b862a29347c.gif
This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
leadershipmanagementshows
↓
761f62c7-1a60-4aaa-9d37-d40673839296.gif
- That's why I did it. - That's fantastic!
fantastic
↓
0b6ac691-178e-4821-822e-0a357bcfebc5.gif
That's why I did it too, Frank. I stole lots of money. What do I get?
franklotsmoneystole
↓
d84e2cc0-d177-464a-b82d-e0dd3a41f8ce.gif
You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
dickthief
↓
a6c26049-dfd4-4fe4-b555-11dd151fddef.gif
How come Charlie? Not fair.
charliefair
↓
ba9bc452-7344-4e9f-adb3-3922502bca89.gif
- How come Charlie? - Why would you do this to us, Dad?
charlie
↓
cad3c44a-c0ed-482a-af36-f4943b28f201.gif
Because you are crackheads, children.
children
↓
9bfc3cf2-8fea-41af-9ea9-bb25c4a20912.gif
- Crack. - Crack.
crack