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» S01E03 — Family
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Season 1, Episode 3 — Family
Mmm! Well, would you look at that?
#1
⇓
You know, I wasn't sure if you were XXXL or XXXXL.
#2
⇓
Please, have a seat.
#3
⇓
Sit down.
#4
⇓
This is nice, isn't it?
#5
⇓
Just a nice normal dinner.
#6
⇓
Now... I'm sure you're wondering
#7
⇓
why I invited you into my beautiful home.
#8
⇓
Well, I have not been spoken to like that in a long time.
#9
⇓
And if I'm being honest... I was a little ticked off.
#10
⇓
And then I got a big old boner.
#11
⇓
Now I'm turned around worse than a woodpecker in a lumberyard.
#12
⇓
So I'd like to hear some more.
#13
⇓
Byung Sung, take a walk.
#14
⇓
You're giving her the heebie-jeebies.
#15
⇓
It's all right.
#16
⇓
I'm a little racist too.
#17
⇓
Now, tell me what's on your mind.
#18
⇓
Why are you doing this?
#19
⇓
Jesus Christ. It's pretty straightforward, Shelly.
#20
⇓
I'm a global country superstar who's lost his mojo.
#21
⇓
I decided to kidnap my fans and force them to live in a poor people town,
#22
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make them share their deepest, darkest traumas
#23
⇓
so I could put it in the hit songs.
#24
⇓
- How the fuck do you not get that? - Oh, no, I get it.
#25
⇓
Oh, yeah, I get it.
#26
⇓
But it's not working anymore, is it?
#27
⇓
How do you know that?
#28
⇓
I've been an honorary hen hound since I was eight years old.
#29
⇓
You know, you kind of remind me of an oyster.
#30
⇓
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
#31
⇓
I don't live in the ocean.
#32
⇓
No, an oyster. It has a shell to protect it.
#33
⇓
I think you had a lot of people around you who are too scared to tell you the truth.
#34
⇓
Sometimes a grain of sand gets caught into an oyster
#35
⇓
and it's uncomfortable and harsh.
#36
⇓
But then sometimes that oyster takes that sand, and it makes something magical.
#37
⇓
A sandcastle.
#38
⇓
A pearl.
#39
⇓
Wow. I like that.
#40
⇓
So you're saying...
#41
⇓
you're like my grain of sand.
#42
⇓
I could be.
#43
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You know, um, oysters are like an aphrodisiac.
#44
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Gets you all wet and horny.
#45
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- Mmm-hmm. - I eat them all day.
#46
⇓
You don't need a fake town with poor people to exploit them for their trauma.
#47
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- Oh, I don't? - Mmm-mmm.
#48
⇓
I think that you need...
#49
⇓
your own trauma.
#50
⇓
What?
#51
⇓
Fuck! Ow! Fuck!
#52
⇓
Byung Sung! Byung Sung, I've been penetrated!
#53
⇓
Shoot her in the face! Don't shoot her tits.
#54
⇓
Byung Sung...
#55
⇓
Please...
#56
⇓
don't shoot.
#57
⇓
Do you understand?
#58
⇓
I ain't gonna hurt ya.
#59
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You speak fucking English?
#60
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I do.
#61
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He makes us speak Korean.
#62
⇓
Nobody really knows why.
#63
⇓
I guess it's just part of the gig.
#64
⇓
- My real name's Jeff. - That's insane.
#65
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Yeah, it's a doozy, isn't it?
#66
⇓
I'm just a theater actor. All the guards are.
#67
⇓
Rodrigo was in Hamilton.
#68
⇓
There's a small town about ten miles that way.
#69
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Head there now. Go.
#70
⇓
Why are you helping me?
#71
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Byung Sung's ruthless.
#72
⇓
But Jeff ain't. Go.
#73
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Go now!
#74
⇓
Thank you.
#75
⇓
Oh, my God.
#76
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Darling, what the hell are you doing all the way out here?
#77
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- Thank God. - All right. It's okay.
#78
⇓
It's okay.
#79
⇓
He kidnaps fans, he tortures them.
#80
⇓
And then he buries the bodies.
#81
⇓
Good God.
#82
⇓
You're sure it was the Rex Henley?
#83
⇓
Oh.
#84
⇓
Yes, I'm pretty fucking sure.
#85
⇓
Okay, I believe you.
#86
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All right. Now, the sheriff is coming in right now,
#87
⇓
and we're gonna do everything we can to make this right.
#88
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- Thank you. - All right?
#89
⇓
It's over.
#90
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Hey, speak of the devil.
#91
⇓
Sheriff.
#92
⇓
How's the wife, Chris?
#93
⇓
Pregnant again.
#94
⇓
Should learn to pull out, you little rascal.
#95
⇓
No fucking way.
#96
⇓
- I'll take it from here. - All right.
#97
⇓
Let's go, boys. He's got work to do.
#98
⇓
Oh, no. Sit down, darling.
#99
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Found her! Come quickly!
#100
⇓
It's all right.
#101
⇓
I ain't mad at you. I like you.
#102
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I need you.
#103
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Turns out, you were right about everything.
#104
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I don't need 200 enslaved prisoners.
#105
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I just need one abusive relationship.
#106
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You're my trauma.
#107
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And I promise you, when I get home, I'mma dig me a big old hole
#108
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and mow all those people down into one mass grave.
#109
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Plus, we're gonna save a fortune on shrimp.
#110
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You don't have to wash your hands so much. That's all because of you.
#111
⇓
You and I are not in a relationship.
#112
⇓
Oh, yes, we are.
#113
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You came into my life, you said a bunch of mean words,
#114
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and then you left when I needed you most.
#115
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But you got me feeling alive.
#116
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Brains firing. I'm all bricked up.
#117
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You're gonna stick around and help me write one more hit song.
#118
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I'm thinking a ballad.
#119
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Something about love and loss, about letting go.
#120
⇓
Yeah, letting go.
#121
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- And then maybe you can let me go. - Absolutely not.
#122
⇓
Because clearly, a breakup is not enough.
#123
⇓
I need my heart ripped out, Shelly.
#124
⇓
I just need to lose one person I feel a real connection to.
#125
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It's not gonna work.
#126
⇓
Why not?
#127
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Because I'm just some girl that you met a day ago.
#128
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We don't even have a history.
#129
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There's no real loss at the end of this.
#130
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I know you have someone in your life.
#131
⇓
Someone who matters. Someone who you loved.
#132
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And...
#133
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that's the person.
#134
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That's the person that can inspire you to write that hit song.
#135
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You...
#136
⇓
are fucking brilliant.
#137
⇓
There is someone...
#138
⇓
Oh, no.
#139
⇓
Byung Sung!
#140
⇓
Oh, no, no, no! Byung Sung! Oh, God, my brother.
#141
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Why, God? Why would you take him from me?
#142
⇓
Oh, shit!
#143
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I feel all these emotions.
#144
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It worked, buddy.
#145
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I feel it.
#146
⇓
I feel I miss you already.
#147
⇓
Oh, God. Shelly, it's working.
#148
⇓
Look, there's real tears coming out of my eyes.
#149
⇓
I'm traumatized.
#150
⇓
This was my best friend. Oh, shit!
#151
⇓
Oh! I get to use the hankie that you gave me.
#152
⇓
Look, it was made in Korea.
#153
⇓
I love you, my sweet Korean brother.
#154
⇓
Rex Henley has a new number one album out.
#155
⇓
Well, I guess officially, y'all, we got a hit album.
#156
⇓
Shockingly, this album is entirely in Korean.
#157
⇓
You've heard of K-Pop?
#158
⇓
This is a Korean country. Would it be K-Cunt?
#159
⇓
Whatever it's called, I love it.
#160
⇓
Love you, Byung Sung.
#161
⇓
Family.
#162
⇓
Love them or hate them.
#163
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You're stuck with them.
#164
⇓
Unless you're the Menendez brothers.
#165
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They figured that shit out.
#166
⇓
Some families are happy, others are dysfunctional.
#167
⇓
Some are even famous.
#168
⇓
Like the Frankels.
#169
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Smile, everybody.
#170
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Well, the Frankels are only famous in my town because there was a rumor
#171
⇓
the dad got busted banging the family dog.
#172
⇓
- What the fuck? - I knew it.
#173
⇓
- I knew it. - You knew what?
#174
⇓
It was me. I started the rumor.
#175
⇓
So gather your families on the couch and watch these uplifting tales.
#176
⇓
Or don't.
#177
⇓
I really don't care. I'm just here to get away from my family.
#178
⇓
You're sick.
#179
⇓
And that's why we named our daughter Daisy.
#180
⇓
Aww!
#181
⇓
We love you, Grandma.
#182
⇓
- You came! - Yes.
#183
⇓
Aren't they just so wonderful?
#184
⇓
What is this?
#185
⇓
It's what Stevie and your dad have been working on.
#186
⇓
- What? - Next up, we have Stevie Segura
#187
⇓
telling a story of his grandfather, Wes.
#188
⇓
- My dad's here? - Yeah.
#189
⇓
And joining Stevie are several of his classmates.
#190
⇓
Take it away, Stevie Segura.
#191
⇓
This is gonna be bad.
#192
⇓
No, it'll be sweet.
#193
⇓
My dad doesn't do sweet.
#194
⇓
Welcome to the suck, homos.
#195
⇓
Here it is.
#196
⇓
Jesus Christ!
#197
⇓
When I asked for more marines, I meant ones that are ready to hump.
#198
⇓
You sacks of shit don't look like you can play T-ball.
#199
⇓
- Wow. - Oh, my God.
#200
⇓
Gutierrez...
#201
⇓
What the hell have you been eating, Gutierrez?
#202
⇓
If your fat ass holds us up for even one second,
#203
⇓
I'm sending your ass back to Okinawa
#204
⇓
faster than you can say, "Chuba me chimichurri."
#205
⇓
Sir, yes, sir.
#206
⇓
Fat ass.
#207
⇓
Steinberg!
#208
⇓
You're the first of your kind in my platoon, Steinberg.
#209
⇓
- You got a problem with that? - Sir, no, sir.
#210
⇓
Fall back and keep that nose tucked in before it gets caught in a tripwire.
#211
⇓
That's my boy!
#212
⇓
You know we have to transfer schools, right?
#213
⇓
Of course.
#214
⇓
Small, Reggie, put your reefer out and turn off your Motown boogie beats!
#215
⇓
What the hell were you two clowns doing?
#216
⇓
Oh, you know, Lieutenant, just getting a little downtime.
#217
⇓
Are you two ever not relaxing?
#218
⇓
- I'm gonna go. - Fuck. No!
#219
⇓
- We're in this together. - It's part of our culture, sir.
#220
⇓
We love to dance or just sit around.
#221
⇓
Lazy.
#222
⇓
Thank you for guiding us to be more than just
#223
⇓
a couple of Division-3 basketball players
#224
⇓
who had no real shot at the pros.
#225
⇓
- You fellows... - I'm sorry!
#226
⇓
...tell Tyrone here how we operate.
#227
⇓
There's no shootin' Black talk and no jive talk.
#228
⇓
We're not like this. I swear.
#229
⇓
We're here to do one thing and one thing only.
#230
⇓
Kill those two-faced rice-slopping commie bastards.
#231
⇓
'Oorah!
#232
⇓
Goddamn gooks.
#233
⇓
- How did he learn all this stuff? - By hanging out with my dad.
#234
⇓
Oh, it's a puppy.
#235
⇓
Oh, my God.
#236
⇓
It's the puppy story.
#237
⇓
Nobody wants to blow up a puppy, but I'll do anything to protect my men.
#238
⇓
I will.
#239
⇓
That puppy will walk into that village over there
#240
⇓
and get the job done for us.
#241
⇓
Oh, shit.
#242
⇓
Is that a foot?
#243
⇓
That's a nice touch.
#244
⇓
There's no better feeling than killing the enemy.
#245
⇓
- Nice. - Oh, my God.
#246
⇓
War is ugly, but necessary to ensure a better world for our children.
#247
⇓
There you go. There you go.
#248
⇓
Take my own son, Tom.
#249
⇓
- Tommy, stand up. - No.
#250
⇓
Get your ass up.
#251
⇓
Tom has the freedom to do whatever he wants,
#252
⇓
but my men fought and died
#253
⇓
so he could tell jokes, hang out with his Jew buddies
#254
⇓
and prance around like some Gypsy broad.
#255
⇓
Did you know my son needs to inject testosterone into his body?
#256
⇓
What kind of man needs to inject testosterone into his body?
#257
⇓
I'm 78. I had no problem putting lead into my pencil.
#258
⇓
No needles, no pills.
#259
⇓
Thank you.
#260
⇓
Attaboy. Attaboy!
#261
⇓
- Jesus Christ. - I know. That was very...
#262
⇓
- Thank you... - Bad.
#263
⇓
...Stevie, and, uh, of course, Wes,
#264
⇓
for that interesting lesson in history.
#265
⇓
Uh...
#266
⇓
Up next, we have Luis Ochoa and the story of his grandfather, Hector.
#267
⇓
- Holy shit. - Excuse us.
#268
⇓
South Beach, Miami, 1991, was all about cocaine.
#269
⇓
And that's because of... me.
#270
⇓
- I think I wanna see this. - Yeah, me too.
#271
⇓
Come and get some!
#272
⇓
Our kid's not that bad.
#273
⇓
No way. That's illegal. We're just racist.
#274
⇓
Let's go.
#275
⇓
Don't touch it.
#276
⇓
Disgusting. That's why we're always out of peanut butter.
#277
⇓
Okay.
#278
⇓
I understand.
#279
⇓
All right. Goodbye, Genevieve.
#280
⇓
I love you.
#281
⇓
I said, "I love you."
#282
⇓
Feelings change?
#283
⇓
Yeah, I'm hungry.
#284
⇓
That's my feeling.
#285
⇓
Oh. Sir, you are back.
#286
⇓
Has your lady, uh, she arrived?
#287
⇓
Uh, dinner solo--
#288
⇓
- Please. No. - In English, sir.
#289
⇓
Your... Your French is very...
#290
⇓
sad to me.
#291
⇓
She will not be joining me this evening.
#292
⇓
The chef has already begun to prepare the lamb broth dinner for two.
#293
⇓
- So unfortunately-- - It's fine. I'll pay for it.
#294
⇓
Very good, sir.
#295
⇓
Plus, this is better.
#296
⇓
Now you very much enjoy more food.
#297
⇓
Because you're fat.
#298
⇓
Thank you.
#299
⇓
Oh, I didn't order that.
#300
⇓
I moved to fucking Gordes! Gordes, France. For her!
#301
⇓
Don't grieve, for there are, what do they say?
#302
⇓
"Plenty of fishes in the sea, oui"?
#303
⇓
You know, she said my teeth were fucked up.
#304
⇓
She made me get adult braces and I feel stupid.
#305
⇓
Would you like to know a simple secret to life?
#306
⇓
Sure.
#307
⇓
Be open to the right opportunity when she presents herself.
#308
⇓
Merci beaucoup.
#309
⇓
Please. Don't speak French.
#310
⇓
I'm sorry. I'm really fucking drunk.
#311
⇓
Well, yeah.
#312
⇓
Welcome to France, eh? Yeah.
#313
⇓
You have to hold your liquor, right?
#314
⇓
You know, I lost 300 lb.
#315
⇓
Bonjour. This is Genevieve.
#316
⇓
Leave a message.
#317
⇓
I can't fucking drive.
#318
⇓
Hey, Genevieve. This is Joe.
#319
⇓
I'm still in Gordes.
#320
⇓
I moved here to be with you, if you recall, and guess what?
#321
⇓
I'm not sorry.
#322
⇓
I met a guy.
#323
⇓
Not like that.
#324
⇓
Like a cool older guy, and he says there's fishes everywhere.
#325
⇓
So I'm gonna catch a long-nosed fish,
#326
⇓
like the kind just mounted over a fireplace.
#327
⇓
You ever see those?
#328
⇓
And you're like, "Holy fuck! Did you catch that?"
#329
⇓
So big.
#330
⇓
How many fish did you see?
#331
⇓
Oh, this is stupid. I'm not sending this.
#332
⇓
Fuck. Did I just send that?
#333
⇓
Me?
#334
⇓
Okay.
#335
⇓
Hello?
#336
⇓
I'm back here.
#337
⇓
Wow.
#338
⇓
Why are you the only handsome man that has ever passed by?
#339
⇓
I don't know.
#340
⇓
I've been standing at that window for three whole days.
#341
⇓
I'm glad I walked by.
#342
⇓
Me too.
#343
⇓
I'm Katie.
#344
⇓
Uh... I'm Joseph.
#345
⇓
Joseph?
#346
⇓
Juju?
#347
⇓
I like that name.
#348
⇓
You have broad shoulders, Juju.
#349
⇓
And beautiful eyes.
#350
⇓
- I'm glad you like them. - Mmm!
#351
⇓
That was...
#352
⇓
very nice.
#353
⇓
You're a real man.
#354
⇓
I am? I am.
#355
⇓
Mm. It's not easy to find.
#356
⇓
You're having trouble finding a man?
#357
⇓
Oui.
#358
⇓
Did you ever go outside?
#359
⇓
Oh...Mais oui, Juju.
#360
⇓
You are...
#361
⇓
stunning.
#362
⇓
I mean, I was seeing someone.
#363
⇓
She said I'm a friend type.
#364
⇓
Then I met a cool older guy.
#365
⇓
He was saying, "There's a bunch of fishes--"
#366
⇓
I want you to fuck me.
#367
⇓
What? Yeah, okay.
#368
⇓
I do. I mean, I want to. Thank you.
#369
⇓
Fuck. Yeah, let's do that.
#370
⇓
Oh, my God.
#371
⇓
But...
#372
⇓
I want you to do me a favor.
#373
⇓
Okay, yeah, sure.
#374
⇓
You have to fuck my sister first.
#375
⇓
She's my twin.
#376
⇓
Okay? Sure. I can do you that favor.
#377
⇓
Promise?
#378
⇓
I will do my best, madam.
#379
⇓
- Do you want me, Juju? - Mmm-hmm. Yes. Yes.
#380
⇓
- I want you. - Oh. Good. Good.
#381
⇓
No! I want you to want me more!
#382
⇓
- I never wanted anybody more. - More!
#383
⇓
I want you to take me and do whatever you want with me.
#384
⇓
Whatever pleases you. Mm!
#385
⇓
- Juju! Yes. Okay? - Okay.
#386
⇓
- Okay. - Watch your step.
#387
⇓
I'm yours, Juju.
#388
⇓
Yes.
#389
⇓
But first... my sister.
#390
⇓
Okay.
#391
⇓
Is she coming or is she here?
#392
⇓
What does she look like?
#393
⇓
Oh...
#394
⇓
No! Fuck!
#395
⇓
Who is this?
#396
⇓
What is that?
#397
⇓
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