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Bad Thoughts

Season 1, Episode 2 — Success

TMDB episode metadata
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Oh, come on, sir.
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- Where's my slice? - Sorry, Cyrus. All out.
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Oh, my God.
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Stay away from me.
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Saint Mary's?
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Is that where you're coming from?
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- What's happening outside? - It's a good hospital.
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You probably went under when most people did.
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Shit started to go wild.
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- Wh-- What? - Yeah.
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The whole world's gone to shit.
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Aliens out there...
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...forcing people.
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Having their way with them.
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Sexually.
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Sexually?
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I don't understand.
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What's your name?
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- I'm... I'm Evan. - Evan.
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That's a nice name.
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I'm Roger. Come on.
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I got you.
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You'll be all right.
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I gotta get out of here, man.
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You're lucky you found this place.
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We're safe in here.
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How long have you been here?
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A long time.
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You haven't tried to leave?
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- There's only one way to get out of here. - What?
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What is it?
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You're not gonna like it.
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I don't care if I don't like it, man.
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Just tell me.
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I saw some people do it when I first got here.
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It was horrible.
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You saw it and it worked?
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Why haven't you tried?
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You need two people.
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They both have to be committed.
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That's good.
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All right.
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We're two people, and we're committed.
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Just tell me what it is.
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Okay.
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You see that toilet over there?
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Yeah.
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I'm gonna sit on that toilet.
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And when I do,
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there will be a gap between my legs.
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You're gonna come over there and you're gonna sit in that gap.
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And listen, this is where it gets odd.
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We both have to shit at the same time.
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And if we can do that,
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a portal
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will open on that wall
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and we can leave this madness.
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How could you fuck with me like that, man?
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I'm not fucking with you.
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Sit on a toilet with you and shit at the same time?
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- It works. - Yeah.
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Yeah, you're a fucking lunatic, man.
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I'm fucking out of here.
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I wouldn't do that.
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I just went in to have my appendix removed.
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You see this wall?
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This is the portal that opens some...
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interdimensional alien something. I...
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I've seen it.
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It works.
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This is insane, man.
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So I'm just gonna sit back
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so the gap is big enough for you there.
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And then we're gonna shit together?
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Take a look around, man.
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You fell asleep in the hospital and woke up in a goddamn alien apocalypse.
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Machines fighting aliens, aliens fucking humans.
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Is this really the craziest thing happening these days?
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- They're fucking humans? - Uh...
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Maybe you'd be a little more comfortable
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if you just kind of faced out the other way.
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Turn around.
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- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.
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Yeah.
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All right.
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Now we just need to focus.
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Here we go, Roger.
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Here we go.
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I shit.
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I did it, but, uh, nothing's happening.
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Evan, I...
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I didn't go.
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What? You... You didn't? But...
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I guess I wasn't ready.
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Do you maybe have another one in you?
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Another one? I don't know, man.
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Hold on.
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- Oh, maybe a little one. - Ah.
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- That's enough. - Okay.
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All right. Here it goes. You ready?
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- You bet. - Yeah, okay.
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Okay, here it goes. Here it...
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I did it.
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I shit!
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Oh, my God!
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Did you shit too?
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You know what?
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I didn't.
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You didn't go?
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Then why did I just shit between your legs?
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So I can come, baby.
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What do you think?
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I love it.
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All right! Nice!
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- We'll take it. - Great.
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- He's a good kid. - Yeah.
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How'd you trick him?
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I made him shit.
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You did?
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- That's very clever. - Is it?
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Yeah. That is very clever.
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Do you want the neuron adapter?
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It shocks you when the alien comes.
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Buddy, what do you think?
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- Yeah! - Yeah, let's go for it.
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All right.
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Some people say it hurts, but I think it adds to the experience.
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Success is tough.
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Some people define success
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as spending quality time with the people they love.
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I think we can all agree that those people are losers.
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Success means different things to different people.
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To this person, it's gaining followers.
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To this guy, success means spreading conspiracy theories on the Internet.
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I'm a 20-year-old African American woman,
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and the measles vaccine caused my hair to fall out.
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And to this man, it means going to the bathroom
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without filling up the entire toilet
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with blood.
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Not today.
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What does success mean to you?
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He's one of the most successful actors to grace the screen.
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He's punched, he's kicked, he's flipped countless bad guys.
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Didn't your mother teach you not to stay out after dark?
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Now we are behind the scenes on the super-secret set
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of the new high-octane thriller Maximum Kickage.
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Starring the man, the myth, the legend himself,
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an American sent to Russia to expose corrupt FBI agents
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who are running a fentanyl and kiddie porn ring.
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Also, I dismantle nuclear bombs.
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Also, I'm a doctor.
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Also, I make love to many beautiful women.
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Sort of like you.
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Yeah.
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Like any great Steven Seagal movie,
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the audience can expect heart-pounding fight scenes.
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I do karate on a helicopter.
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I do kung-fu on a speeding motorcycle.
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I do all my own shit.
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Not like that pussy, Tom Cruise.
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Open up.
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That was your fault.
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Isn't it dangerous to do stunts practically?
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- If you're a bitch. - Right.
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Van Damme is a bitch.
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Wesley Snipes is a bitch.
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Daniel Craig's a bitch.
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- So how do you-- - Jason Statham's a bitch.
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- Oh. - Tom Cruise. Did I say him?
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- You did. - He's a double bitch.
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The greatest. The greatest.
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My good friend Vladimir Putin
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was very excited.
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This has been a dream come true.
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- Y'all supposed to be FBI? - Mm-hmm.
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You're fittin' to be FB bye-bye.
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- You'll pay for this. - Yeah.
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- Uh, cut. - What the fuck, Steven?
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and working with Steven has been an incredible experience.
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Um, I can't speak highly--
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Um...
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Oh, uh...
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Um...
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From what I hear, you don't always stick to the script.
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Well, I am the king of improv.
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In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.
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What are we doing here?
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In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.
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Like I said, I am the king of improv.
4851c568-5585-4968-b989-7196d37daeaf.gif
You do have a way with words.
ba310b65-0ecf-4cd4-9300-6f6d9d50656c.gif
- Fuck, fuck, fuck... - Do we need to cut?
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No, baby. These are my investors.
243e75b9-aaeb-4a0d-8a2d-4748fb1bc466.gif
What's up?
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Hey, what a surprise.
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Nyet? All right. Well, this is gonna be a classic.
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It's got fights.
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Hardcore sex...
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We've seen the dailies, this is a garbage movie.
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We only got one more scene. That's it.
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You're gonna love it.
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You idiot, you owe us $80 million.
a3839a67-fd0e-4c67-9788-ef6608548800.gif
Oleg, remove his testicles.
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Hey, hey, no, listen, y'all.
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Just give old Stevie one more shot.
79cbc554-80a3-464b-89ae-fe3be72012fa.gif
It's going to be a beautiful scene. Come watch.
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Let me do my magic.
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Let me keep my testicles.
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Fine, let's see this scene.
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Spasibo.
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Here we go. Ready and action!
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America says it's tax time.
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Ah!
65f41aca-570d-41c8-b700-014f8676027e.gif
You know, I could kill you very easily right now.
401c8972-fa93-4172-9885-8db87d421808.gif
But I know you'll be waiting for me in hell.
04ba60c8-aa30-4692-9131-e2ca3692cbce.gif
Fuck it.
a736986f-a5c5-412c-a462-c0e53fdddf38.gif
I'm dyin'.
da170411-6e48-435d-96f6-7acc9cd88322.gif
I'm bleeding and I'm dying. Look at me die, everybody.
bb3c81ec-becf-49a8-aac7-7683aba30ce7.gif
Cut.
a28cff08-07f2-4195-854c-47b231967053.gif
Camera down! I said camera down!
fdff4090-80ac-42af-a7a8-9640cac690e1.gif
That was the best acting I've ever seen me do.
d5399750-1e38-4ec6-a96c-dbe7da98879e.gif
We have enough to finish the film.
d6537cbf-5757-4cc7-a5d0-93cc700e9d70.gif
Wait. It ain't got to be like this. Wait!
d9d08bec-2618-45d2-8da1-be49f386e122.gif
Maximum Kickage coming to hotel rooms and Russian annexed territories this fall.
00ec6206-1b25-4f5a-9255-ff2dee41a151.gif
Yeah. I just want to go home, man.
21cae548-4665-474a-a27f-2d0e0d4d9182.gif
Hey, hen hounds,
8a75460d-1019-4713-8f59-a5c023321053.gif
Country singer, Rex Henley, has a new single.
253c58bd-614e-4bd1-b72a-bc24dfa02704.gif
It's called, and I'm not making this up,
ad7fce0f-eb43-4b15-9ae1-e77f482d7847.gif
Rich Guy Advice.
f6f52d79-4cf5-453e-9353-f20b66dd030d.gif
That's the actual the title of the album.
b50ab408-4b07-4f4a-929d-41a3d3b3ef2d.gif
Rex Henley is a fucking weirdo.
afbcb097-0d34-4616-b40d-98e356fee04c.gif
This is the guy who used to write heartfelt American songs
b8d22b24-8aeb-48a8-bb37-8cfff8b90161.gif
about his '65 Chevy.
13cbdf55-e894-486e-b776-480933676226.gif
Now he's doing this?
b706dd82-a60b-42b3-87c5-059e1546d551.gif
Stop making music, please.
2a4dac98-9f4e-43f4-888b-bce90c2f0297.gif
I'mma make a promise to y'all.
737e596e-1342-4531-8d15-3c168753e2d7.gif
The next time you hear a Rex Henley song,
bd710fe9-38cf-4c80-9f0b-5d8f56e6e51f.gif
you're gonna get touched
fb5111e8-84aa-4b12-a10c-0e2838b282fd.gif
in a way you've never been touched before.
07118b50-5207-4459-b306-70649aca0c4e.gif
And I like that.
60d41514-c07a-455a-9b60-00d1787c264a.gif
I really like that.
59d7a61f-32cf-496b-bc40-085e65f603d5.gif
Run faster. Where are you?
4921f676-69f8-4b68-9446-5b6ff0acf3b0.gif
Hey, come here! Hurry up!
ce5f9918-5cfc-401a-9055-3158c6b8c2ce.gif
Hey! What are you doing?
9ff194d1-bdc6-42ff-b20f-703913510524.gif
No, sir, oh, please, sir. I was just trying to tie my shoe.
930e6557-f251-45be-948e-503d8dd39ef5.gif
You bastard!
8a3f973f-7ab6-411b-9183-4c440fc83aa1.gif
It's here, hurry up!
1507e11f-f7da-4494-94c7-1f4330b89173.gif
Move, quick!
51baa0c7-8f8a-498d-954c-c53e2cfb2d5c.gif
Move, quickly!
ef8a72b3-e7a9-4b58-a802-2b9e6fe5ffc5.gif
Oh, my God. Oh. Please don't hurt me.
09507d74-d72c-4f4f-8dfc-48461fd040d2.gif
No one's gonna hurt you.
478daf8f-23e8-4eee-ae4e-a6e58849bbdc.gif
Where am I?
89bebf21-4343-42c2-9514-cc5580e6624e.gif
The last thing I remember was being at a concert, I think?
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Yeah, we were all at a fucking concert.
8de2d0c3-3ef0-4309-962c-845da5498987.gif
Here we go.
9695207d-526b-4628-b5d4-555a570fee11.gif
Don't even think about runnin'.
136a78f5-c12b-428a-80b5-259fadc64d22.gif
Big trucks, cold beer
a6a8a23c-7803-4bc3-ae3f-b35f3b55f05f.gif
Stars and stripes Still fly around here
89f18d83-882a-49c2-95a2-ffa490039a93.gif
He's coming.
95f65144-ca0a-4c14-9dd9-ca8aeff3a966.gif
He's coming.
8120497f-6659-4c54-8f3a-de76a4e860d2.gif
What the fuck?
02c85899-8b32-4bd8-968b-03b6ae4fa4fd.gif
Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!
cd58189c-787a-47b1-b1d2-5bd1cbcb0076.gif
Just keep clapping.
62afab34-1991-4cd1-91d9-ed3970e8e930.gif
All right!
5bd96a27-7f59-4a7c-8ec0-600559945694.gif
Is that Rex Henley?
3850d7c7-513d-4178-88b0-ffcd8ff6fd17.gif
Whoo! All right, you guys ready for an unplugged sesh?
a89270fd-b64f-4023-b601-3f9badeee865.gif
Yeah.
c1e4e3ea-3501-44e7-9f0c-3af08da5a774.gif
Hey-hey, that's the good stuff, man.
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God damn, I miss those cheers.
cfdea1f8-2748-49ff-afab-81cfbd8c9412.gif
Feels good when they clap.
8cf594ab-355e-4e67-9af9-7572bad2935c.gif
All right. Whoo!
e6ba61c4-747a-4fd8-9bc8-add18f85ae43.gif
Now, where my hen hounds at?
aa4be61d-de60-46d9-911b-9f089d150098.gif
You guys ready to get to it? You lazy bums.
722ec8f5-ab97-454a-8160-3163a5342da2.gif
What is happening?
80ec77e0-e2b2-470b-997f-827c445a111c.gif
- Enough resting. - He's kidnapped a bunch of his fans.
9ebd451a-b90b-46a6-8394-12109270b370.gif
- We're here to work. - He's mining us for material.
87a53598-7ac3-4286-b89e-db9268d70677.gif
He's trying to write a new album.
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So think of this as a conversation.
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We are wiping out the walls between you and me
752f7dc0-10b7-43cb-a1cb-6ede38687e7c.gif
in an effort to get to the truth.
652356fc-759e-49b2-a9d3-1739de46cf8a.gif
That's where I want to go.
cab6665c-6c05-416c-afca-42687a35096c.gif
I want to get to the real stuff. Slick stuff, raw stuff.
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He even built this fake town to try to relate to normal folk.
abac5b2c-60d5-4b01-b4b7-63dffab5f8fb.gif
The only way you do that is by being honest.
3c277425-6e6c-43c2-93aa-ee0c2d733466.gif
I'm in pursuit of it.
1bf592ee-66ee-4adc-b158-2f6231adf883.gif
He calls us the poors. I'm a brain surgeon.
5c2df88e-3847-4512-8787-28836a381fc9.gif
Now, who's ready to share a problem they got?
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You, hat, tell me one of your problems.
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Uh...
8f71939a-d80d-4407-b52d-2c5c810c7708.gif
My feet hurt.
c4979db5-f17d-4bfb-aaeb-b0910ec2751f.gif
My feet hurt.
37c4f571-4cc1-4056-9daf-ac840750a403.gif
You hear this shit?
497891ea-c687-4ec9-8148-8ce8966d9da9.gif
You think I wanna write a song about a busted fucking flip-flop?
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This ain't Margaritaville, muchacho. I want some real shit.
a8010914-4c22-4390-b358-c77b5aabd311.gif
Why don't you go get your toes done? Anybody else?
a9644d5f-9c8d-423d-990b-e43541c39647.gif
You.
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My mother died in 9/11.
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Ooh! I like that.
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Byung Sung, where are your manners?
b5f7eaca-6790-44b2-9772-ea41fdecd38a.gif
Give this starving bitch a shrimp.
bd02f5b8-4a59-4c84-9c23-5a74c53a94c5.gif
This hag.
e257a6db-3e87-4224-8220-87176f23f5af.gif
Here's a bunch. Eat it, bitch!
debd7e73-eaef-435a-b3d2-93a65447f017.gif
On a cold September morning
53cc6e81-5bfe-4da7-a040-892d32e0fe05.gif
Mama got up to go to work
0c133775-7ec5-4587-bd47-46685a7d7310.gif
Yeah, I can work with that. I like that. Very nice.
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You know, I like 9/11 as much as the next guy.
484120d3-ab94-4de6-a9a8-bc544950ad88.gif
But my good buddy, Byung Sung, here
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just reminded me that a few months ago,
3ba07828-6abc-411b-996c-6f4d7ebfd863.gif
you said your mama died in a hurricane.
15a4d1c8-736a-463f-8612-06d6b13a9281.gif
Now, I do not quite recall what sent those towers crumbling down,
8202e13e-73a8-4c43-b308-4a095f6e9733.gif
because I was very busy that morning.
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But I'm pretty sure it wasn't a fucking hurricane!
f2425314-370a-4568-8a57-5518c1dfd4e8.gif
No!
b187506a-115b-4211-b683-b21af3e42846.gif
Oh!
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Guys? Guys? Guys!
0695575a-74ca-4157-8017-17605e2c72a3.gif
This is about trust.
55771c94-5b1a-4415-bfe7-7ef5e44b2a68.gif
I mean, we're a family here.
72f075c3-f7af-48e4-8716-6aa97f2d393f.gif
Families love each other, families laugh together.
cb990971-e0d4-4261-a26c-2c38f1158784.gif
We laugh all goddamn day.
b8adce55-7bc0-45eb-a31a-6311c15762c6.gif
Oh, we're not a family.
f29e4fe2-95bb-4faa-b200-6e27034e4ab1.gif
What was that?
ea0944f5-3935-4845-a5e6-d5153564fb07.gif
- What'd you just say? - Uh...
97133c46-5d9e-4c43-8087-dcb20cae01bf.gif
I said... I said, "We're not a family."
da3f5fdb-ac0a-4e3d-987b-668a324230d7.gif
Uh, yes, we are. It says it right there on the fucking merch!
94ea1d62-8046-4a2b-bc01-f5073084caad.gif
Well, family don't, uh, kidnap each other.
ac4c8bd1-71ba-494c-bd39-f97efa3a94e2.gif
You just...
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Fuck!
6ed13283-6dbe-4dff-a80e-df196e2639f3.gif
Way to ruin the groove, you selfish shit.
f57846f6-6c1f-4f7f-902d-0bdf55bd2a5b.gif
Session's over. No more jamming today.
c43fe8b8-788a-4861-9d7d-4bf562e960e6.gif
Byung Sung, take that bullshit.
b75ed268-4445-4c12-8404-25c5a5fe3b3c.gif
God damn it!
326efb6d-c659-497b-a595-a26c217a628d.gif
Nice knowing you.
3769a618-b799-4002-b9b9-a99b5830dcab.gif
Move quickly!
baf20501-34b2-4c17-b297-e77c815bbd9c.gif
- Get in and find her. Got it? - Yes, sir.
ba137d3c-8b0b-4565-b8f9-b9cfefa96052.gif
Let me open the door now.
62cfcd55-75a9-4fd0-8d19-3efddba27b1d.gif
- Get ready. - Yes!
45217619-c1a8-4a15-af8f-ab0b57aadfd6.gif
Here you go.
c1ecae09-b429-454e-b88c-10acca329c37.gif
No!
0b738e9a-0bae-44a1-a4f5-1c26f811f454.gif
Hold her!
d264b886-6056-451d-a57c-2e6b97769632.gif
Come here!
01eb30f1-a997-4077-910c-6eda1caa3da0.gif
Hey, where is it? Find it quickly!
b29a837d-a84b-486a-b364-34f32b41b00e.gif
On your knees!
575ff68b-7efa-4fde-9cb8-e386bf69860e.gif
Oh, God, please!
ae876b45-ed6a-4772-99ce-87f5cd2a192c.gif
What?
20ed6800-8853-4c1a-8fc6-914989b0719e.gif
Oh. Don't kill me! Please, please, please.
5fc34710-70bb-4fa3-8fb4-75f7e07a9451.gif
P.S. Wash up, stinky!
76a92a42-0b31-4c65-a781-c2a93e19c8e6.gif
LOL.
2e1aa93c-2d00-41ca-8467-a88449837d72.gif
Big trucks, cold beer
6ed006ca-1dd5-4351-af1a-9927b70c9e7b.gif
Stars and stripes Still fly around here
b7b7948f-958a-40c4-9888-fcc1dcde1150.gif
Yeah, they do
538d5913-ed44-422d-84bb-d9dd289ce399.gif
Fast cars, hitchin' bass
dd4f5cfd-49ea-4b45-bd8f-61b19cd9abb6.gif
Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!
f42b6b71-4d5e-4d60-b598-edc62cc94f51.gif
Whoo! Yeah, kickin' ass