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» S01E02 — Success
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Season 1, Episode 2 — Success
Oh, come on, sir.
#1
⇓
- Where's my slice? - Sorry, Cyrus. All out.
#2
⇓
Oh, my God.
#3
⇓
Stay away from me.
#4
⇓
Saint Mary's?
#5
⇓
Is that where you're coming from?
#6
⇓
- What's happening outside? - It's a good hospital.
#7
⇓
You probably went under when most people did.
#8
⇓
Shit started to go wild.
#9
⇓
Computers crashed, then the aliens showed up.
#10
⇓
- Wh-- What? - Yeah.
#11
⇓
The whole world's gone to shit.
#12
⇓
Aliens out there...
#13
⇓
...forcing people.
#14
⇓
Having their way with them.
#15
⇓
Sexually.
#16
⇓
Sexually?
#17
⇓
I don't understand.
#18
⇓
What's your name?
#19
⇓
- I'm... I'm Evan. - Evan.
#20
⇓
That's a nice name.
#21
⇓
I'm Roger. Come on.
#22
⇓
I got you.
#23
⇓
You'll be all right.
#24
⇓
I gotta get out of here, man.
#25
⇓
You're lucky you found this place.
#26
⇓
We're safe in here.
#27
⇓
How long have you been here?
#28
⇓
A long time.
#29
⇓
You haven't tried to leave?
#30
⇓
- There's only one way to get out of here. - What?
#31
⇓
What is it?
#32
⇓
You're not gonna like it.
#33
⇓
I don't care if I don't like it, man.
#34
⇓
Just tell me.
#35
⇓
I saw some people do it when I first got here.
#36
⇓
It was horrible.
#37
⇓
You saw it and it worked?
#38
⇓
Why haven't you tried?
#39
⇓
You need two people.
#40
⇓
They both have to be committed.
#41
⇓
That's good.
#42
⇓
All right.
#43
⇓
We're two people, and we're committed.
#44
⇓
Just tell me what it is.
#45
⇓
Okay.
#46
⇓
You see that toilet over there?
#47
⇓
Yeah.
#48
⇓
I'm gonna sit on that toilet.
#49
⇓
And when I do,
#50
⇓
there will be a gap between my legs.
#51
⇓
You're gonna come over there and you're gonna sit in that gap.
#52
⇓
And listen, this is where it gets odd.
#53
⇓
We both have to shit at the same time.
#54
⇓
And if we can do that,
#55
⇓
a portal
#56
⇓
will open on that wall
#57
⇓
and we can leave this madness.
#58
⇓
How could you fuck with me like that, man?
#59
⇓
I'm not fucking with you.
#60
⇓
Sit on a toilet with you and shit at the same time?
#61
⇓
- It works. - Yeah.
#62
⇓
Yeah, you're a fucking lunatic, man.
#63
⇓
I'm fucking out of here.
#64
⇓
I wouldn't do that.
#65
⇓
I just went in to have my appendix removed.
#66
⇓
You see this wall?
#67
⇓
This is the portal that opens some...
#68
⇓
interdimensional alien something. I...
#69
⇓
I've seen it.
#70
⇓
It works.
#71
⇓
This is insane, man.
#72
⇓
So I'm just gonna sit back
#73
⇓
so the gap is big enough for you there.
#74
⇓
And then we're gonna shit together?
#75
⇓
Take a look around, man.
#76
⇓
You fell asleep in the hospital and woke up in a goddamn alien apocalypse.
#77
⇓
Machines fighting aliens, aliens fucking humans.
#78
⇓
Is this really the craziest thing happening these days?
#79
⇓
- They're fucking humans? - Uh...
#80
⇓
Maybe you'd be a little more comfortable
#81
⇓
if you just kind of faced out the other way.
#82
⇓
Turn around.
#83
⇓
- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.
#84
⇓
Yeah.
#85
⇓
All right.
#86
⇓
Now we just need to focus.
#87
⇓
Here we go, Roger.
#88
⇓
Here we go.
#89
⇓
I shit.
#90
⇓
I did it, but, uh, nothing's happening.
#91
⇓
Evan, I...
#92
⇓
I didn't go.
#93
⇓
What? You... You didn't? But...
#94
⇓
I guess I wasn't ready.
#95
⇓
Do you maybe have another one in you?
#96
⇓
Another one? I don't know, man.
#97
⇓
Hold on.
#98
⇓
- Oh, maybe a little one. - Ah.
#99
⇓
- That's enough. - Okay.
#100
⇓
All right. Here it goes. You ready?
#101
⇓
- You bet. - Yeah, okay.
#102
⇓
Okay, here it goes. Here it...
#103
⇓
I did it.
#104
⇓
I shit!
#105
⇓
Oh, my God!
#106
⇓
Did you shit too?
#107
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You know what?
#108
⇓
I didn't.
#109
⇓
You didn't go?
#110
⇓
Then why did I just shit between your legs?
#111
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So I can come, baby.
#112
⇓
What do you think?
#113
⇓
I love it.
#114
⇓
All right! Nice!
#115
⇓
- We'll take it. - Great.
#116
⇓
- He's a good kid. - Yeah.
#117
⇓
How'd you trick him?
#118
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I made him shit.
#119
⇓
You did?
#120
⇓
- That's very clever. - Is it?
#121
⇓
Yeah. That is very clever.
#122
⇓
Do you want the neuron adapter?
#123
⇓
It shocks you when the alien comes.
#124
⇓
Buddy, what do you think?
#125
⇓
- Yeah! - Yeah, let's go for it.
#126
⇓
All right.
#127
⇓
Some people say it hurts, but I think it adds to the experience.
#128
⇓
Success is tough.
#129
⇓
Some people define success
#130
⇓
as spending quality time with the people they love.
#131
⇓
I think we can all agree that those people are losers.
#132
⇓
Success means different things to different people.
#133
⇓
To this person, it's gaining followers.
#134
⇓
To this guy, success means spreading conspiracy theories on the Internet.
#135
⇓
I'm a 20-year-old African American woman,
#136
⇓
and the measles vaccine caused my hair to fall out.
#137
⇓
And to this man, it means going to the bathroom
#138
⇓
without filling up the entire toilet
#139
⇓
with blood.
#140
⇓
Not today.
#141
⇓
What does success mean to you?
#142
⇓
He's one of the most successful actors to grace the screen.
#143
⇓
He's punched, he's kicked, he's flipped countless bad guys.
#144
⇓
Didn't your mother teach you not to stay out after dark?
#145
⇓
Now we are behind the scenes on the super-secret set
#146
⇓
of the new high-octane thriller Maximum Kickage.
#147
⇓
Starring the man, the myth, the legend himself,
#148
⇓
Steven Seagal.
#149
⇓
Steven, you look great.
#150
⇓
Yeah.
#151
⇓
In the film, you play Drake Kicking,
#152
⇓
an American sent to Russia to expose corrupt FBI agents
#153
⇓
who are running a fentanyl and kiddie porn ring.
#154
⇓
Also, I dismantle nuclear bombs.
#155
⇓
Also, I'm a doctor.
#156
⇓
Also, I make love to many beautiful women.
#157
⇓
Sort of like you.
#158
⇓
Yeah.
#159
⇓
Like any great Steven Seagal movie,
#160
⇓
the audience can expect heart-pounding fight scenes.
#161
⇓
I do karate on a helicopter.
#162
⇓
I do kung-fu on a speeding motorcycle.
#163
⇓
I do all my own shit.
#164
⇓
Not like that pussy, Tom Cruise.
#165
⇓
Open up.
#166
⇓
That was your fault.
#167
⇓
Isn't it dangerous to do stunts practically?
#168
⇓
- If you're a bitch. - Right.
#169
⇓
Van Damme is a bitch.
#170
⇓
Wesley Snipes is a bitch.
#171
⇓
Daniel Craig's a bitch.
#172
⇓
- So how do you-- - Jason Statham's a bitch.
#173
⇓
- Oh. - Tom Cruise. Did I say him?
#174
⇓
- You did. - He's a double bitch.
#175
⇓
What's it like shooting a movie in Russia?
#176
⇓
The greatest. The greatest.
#177
⇓
My good friend Vladimir Putin
#178
⇓
was very excited.
#179
⇓
This has been a dream come true.
#180
⇓
- Y'all supposed to be FBI? - Mm-hmm.
#181
⇓
You're fittin' to be FB bye-bye.
#182
⇓
Hi. I'm James Gonzalez, and I play FBI Villain One. Yeah.
#183
⇓
- You'll pay for this. - Yeah.
#184
⇓
- Uh, cut. - What the fuck, Steven?
#185
⇓
I'm Ericka. I play the Head of Special Forces,
#186
⇓
and working with Steven has been an incredible experience.
#187
⇓
Um, I can't speak highly--
#188
⇓
Um...
#189
⇓
Oh, uh...
#190
⇓
Um...
#191
⇓
Sugar, this ain't nothing but a nuke.
#192
⇓
Cut the black wire.
#193
⇓
From what I hear, you don't always stick to the script.
#194
⇓
Well, I am the king of improv.
#195
⇓
In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.
#196
⇓
- Shut up and kiss me. - What? Um...
#197
⇓
Um...
#198
⇓
I've gotta... The bomb's ticking out.
#199
⇓
Um, no.
#200
⇓
What are we doing here?
#201
⇓
In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.
#202
⇓
Shut up and kiss me.
#203
⇓
Like I said, I am the king of improv.
#204
⇓
You do have a way with words.
#205
⇓
- Fuck, fuck, fuck... - Do we need to cut?
#206
⇓
No, baby. These are my investors.
#207
⇓
What's up?
#208
⇓
Hey, what a surprise.
#209
⇓
Nyet? All right. Well, this is gonna be a classic.
#210
⇓
It's got fights.
#211
⇓
Hardcore sex...
#212
⇓
We've seen the dailies, this is a garbage movie.
#213
⇓
We only got one more scene. That's it.
#214
⇓
You're gonna love it.
#215
⇓
You idiot, you owe us $80 million.
#216
⇓
Oleg, remove his testicles.
#217
⇓
Hey, hey, no, listen, y'all.
#218
⇓
Just give old Stevie one more shot.
#219
⇓
It's going to be a beautiful scene. Come watch.
#220
⇓
Let me do my magic.
#221
⇓
Let me keep my testicles.
#222
⇓
Fine, let's see this scene.
#223
⇓
Spasibo.
#224
⇓
Roll, mark.
#225
⇓
Here we go. Ready and action!
#226
⇓
America says it's tax time.
#227
⇓
Ah!
#228
⇓
You know, I could kill you very easily right now.
#229
⇓
But I know you'll be waiting for me in hell.
#230
⇓
Fuck it.
#231
⇓
I'm dyin'.
#232
⇓
I'm bleeding and I'm dying. Look at me die, everybody.
#233
⇓
Cut.
#234
⇓
Camera down! I said camera down!
#235
⇓
That was the best acting I've ever seen me do.
#236
⇓
We have enough to finish the film.
#237
⇓
Wait. It ain't got to be like this. Wait!
#238
⇓
PLEASE STAND BY
#239
⇓
Maximum Kickage coming to hotel rooms and Russian annexed territories this fall.
#240
⇓
Yeah. I just want to go home, man.
#241
⇓
Hey, hen hounds,
#242
⇓
it's your favorite country global superstar, Rex Henley.
#243
⇓
I've been seeing the comments y'all have been leaving
#244
⇓
on my social media platforms and I've been hearing the jokes on TV.
#245
⇓
Country singer, Rex Henley, has a new single.
#246
⇓
It's called, and I'm not making this up,
#247
⇓
Rich Guy Advice.
#248
⇓
That's the actual the title of the album.
#249
⇓
Rex Henley is a fucking weirdo.
#250
⇓
This is the guy who used to write heartfelt American songs
#251
⇓
about his '65 Chevy.
#252
⇓
Now he's doing this?
#253
⇓
I get it. Maybe I got too many fancy cars.
#254
⇓
Planes and...
#255
⇓
drink too many iced macchiatos.
#256
⇓
Rex, here's some rich-guy advice for you.
#257
⇓
Stop making music, please.
#258
⇓
I'mma make a promise to y'all.
#259
⇓
The next time you hear a Rex Henley song,
#260
⇓
you're gonna get touched
#261
⇓
in a way you've never been touched before.
#262
⇓
And I like that.
#263
⇓
I really like that.
#264
⇓
Run faster. Where are you?
#265
⇓
Hey, come here! Hurry up!
#266
⇓
Hey! What are you doing?
#267
⇓
No, sir, oh, please, sir. I was just trying to tie my shoe.
#268
⇓
You bastard!
#269
⇓
It's here, hurry up!
#270
⇓
Move, quick!
#271
⇓
Move, quickly!
#272
⇓
Oh, my God. Oh. Please don't hurt me.
#273
⇓
No one's gonna hurt you.
#274
⇓
Where am I?
#275
⇓
The last thing I remember was being at a concert, I think?
#276
⇓
Yeah, we were all at a fucking concert.
#277
⇓
Here we go.
#278
⇓
Don't even think about runnin'.
#279
⇓
Big trucks, cold beer
#280
⇓
Stars and stripes Still fly around here
#281
⇓
He's coming.
#282
⇓
He's coming.
#283
⇓
What the fuck?
#284
⇓
Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!
#285
⇓
Just keep clapping.
#286
⇓
All right!
#287
⇓
Is that Rex Henley?
#288
⇓
Whoo! All right, you guys ready for an unplugged sesh?
#289
⇓
Yeah.
#290
⇓
Hey-hey, that's the good stuff, man.
#291
⇓
God damn, I miss those cheers.
#292
⇓
Feels good when they clap.
#293
⇓
All right. Whoo!
#294
⇓
Now, where my hen hounds at?
#295
⇓
You guys ready to get to it? You lazy bums.
#296
⇓
What is happening?
#297
⇓
- Enough resting. - He's kidnapped a bunch of his fans.
#298
⇓
- We're here to work. - He's mining us for material.
#299
⇓
He's trying to write a new album.
#300
⇓
So think of this as a conversation.
#301
⇓
We are wiping out the walls between you and me
#302
⇓
in an effort to get to the truth.
#303
⇓
That's where I want to go.
#304
⇓
I want to get to the real stuff. Slick stuff, raw stuff.
#305
⇓
He even built this fake town to try to relate to normal folk.
#306
⇓
The only way you do that is by being honest.
#307
⇓
I'm in pursuit of it.
#308
⇓
He calls us the poors. I'm a brain surgeon.
#309
⇓
Now, who's ready to share a problem they got?
#310
⇓
You, hat, tell me one of your problems.
#311
⇓
Uh...
#312
⇓
My feet hurt.
#313
⇓
My feet hurt.
#314
⇓
You hear this shit?
#315
⇓
You think I wanna write a song about a busted fucking flip-flop?
#316
⇓
This ain't Margaritaville, muchacho. I want some real shit.
#317
⇓
Why don't you go get your toes done? Anybody else?
#318
⇓
You.
#319
⇓
My mother died in 9/11.
#320
⇓
Ooh! I like that.
#321
⇓
Byung Sung, where are your manners?
#322
⇓
Give this starving bitch a shrimp.
#323
⇓
This hag.
#324
⇓
Here's a bunch. Eat it, bitch!
#325
⇓
On a cold September morning
#326
⇓
Mama got up to go to work
#327
⇓
Yeah, I can work with that. I like that. Very nice.
#328
⇓
You know, I like 9/11 as much as the next guy.
#329
⇓
But my good buddy, Byung Sung, here
#330
⇓
just reminded me that a few months ago,
#331
⇓
you said your mama died in a hurricane.
#332
⇓
Now, I do not quite recall what sent those towers crumbling down,
#333
⇓
because I was very busy that morning.
#334
⇓
But I'm pretty sure it wasn't a fucking hurricane!
#335
⇓
No!
#336
⇓
Oh!
#337
⇓
Guys? Guys? Guys!
#338
⇓
This is about trust.
#339
⇓
I mean, we're a family here.
#340
⇓
Families love each other, families laugh together.
#341
⇓
We laugh all goddamn day.
#342
⇓
Oh, we're not a family.
#343
⇓
What was that?
#344
⇓
- What'd you just say? - Uh...
#345
⇓
I said... I said, "We're not a family."
#346
⇓
Uh, yes, we are. It says it right there on the fucking merch!
#347
⇓
Well, family don't, uh, kidnap each other.
#348
⇓
You just...
#349
⇓
Fuck!
#350
⇓
Way to ruin the groove, you selfish shit.
#351
⇓
Session's over. No more jamming today.
#352
⇓
Byung Sung, take that bullshit.
#353
⇓
God damn it!
#354
⇓
Nice knowing you.
#355
⇓
Move quickly!
#356
⇓
- Get in and find her. Got it? - Yes, sir.
#357
⇓
Let me open the door now.
#358
⇓
- Get ready. - Yes!
#359
⇓
Here you go.
#360
⇓
Get on your feet now!
#361
⇓
No!
#362
⇓
Hold her!
#363
⇓
Come here!
#364
⇓
Hey, where is it? Find it quickly!
#365
⇓
On your knees!
#366
⇓
Oh, God, please!
#367
⇓
What?
#368
⇓
Oh. Don't kill me! Please, please, please.
#369
⇓
Hey, Shelly, thought a lot about what you said
#370
⇓
and I'd love to chitchat over dinner up at the residence.
#371
⇓
Your compadre, Rex.
#372
⇓
P.S. Wash up, stinky!
#373
⇓
LOL.
#374
⇓
Big trucks, cold beer
#375
⇓
Stars and stripes Still fly around here
#376
⇓
Yeah, they do
#377
⇓
Fast cars, hitchin' bass
#378
⇓
Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!
#379
⇓
Whoo! Yeah, kickin' ass
#380
⇓
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