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Bad Thoughts
» S01E02 — Success
Bad Thoughts
Season 1, Episode 2 — Success
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TMDB episode metadata
Show:
Bad Thoughts
Episode title:
Success
Air date:
May 13, 2025
Directors:
Rami Hachache, Jeremy Konner
Top billed cast:
Tom Segura
A man succumbs to an apocalyptic evacuation. A behind-the-scenes day with an action icon goes wrong. A country star's jam session from hell.
Source:
TMDB
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❮
❯
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Oh, come on, sir.
↗
⧉
↓
- Where's my slice? - Sorry, Cyrus. All out.
cyrus
slice
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, my God.
↗
⧉
↓
Stay away from me.
↗
⧉
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Saint Mary's?
marys
saint
↗
⧉
↓
Is that where you're coming from?
coming
↗
⧉
↓
- What's happening outside? - It's a good hospital.
hospital
↗
⧉
↓
You probably went under when most people did.
↗
⧉
↓
Shit started to go wild.
started
wild
↗
⧉
↓
- Wh-- What? - Yeah.
↗
⧉
↓
The whole world's gone to shit.
gone
whole
worlds
↗
⧉
↓
Aliens out there...
aliens
↗
⧉
↓
...forcing people.
forcing
↗
⧉
↓
Having their way with them.
having
↗
⧉
↓
Sexually.
sexually
↗
⧉
↓
Sexually?
sexually
↗
⧉
↓
I don't understand.
↗
⧉
↓
What's your name?
name
↗
⧉
↓
- I'm... I'm Evan. - Evan.
evan
↗
⧉
↓
That's a nice name.
name
↗
⧉
↓
I'm Roger. Come on.
roger
↗
⧉
↓
I got you.
↗
⧉
↓
You'll be all right.
↗
⧉
↓
I gotta get out of here, man.
↗
⧉
↓
You're lucky you found this place.
found
lucky
place
↗
⧉
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We're safe in here.
safe
↗
⧉
↓
How long have you been here?
↗
⧉
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A long time.
↗
⧉
↓
You haven't tried to leave?
tried
↗
⧉
↓
- There's only one way to get out of here. - What?
↗
⧉
↓
What is it?
↗
⧉
↓
You're not gonna like it.
↗
⧉
↓
I don't care if I don't like it, man.
care
↗
⧉
↓
Just tell me.
↗
⧉
↓
I saw some people do it when I first got here.
↗
⧉
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It was horrible.
horrible
↗
⧉
↓
You saw it and it worked?
worked
↗
⧉
↓
Why haven't you tried?
tried
↗
⧉
↓
You need two people.
↗
⧉
↓
They both have to be committed.
committed
↗
⧉
↓
That's good.
↗
⧉
↓
All right.
↗
⧉
↓
We're two people, and we're committed.
committed
↗
⧉
↓
Just tell me what it is.
↗
⧉
↓
Okay.
↗
⧉
↓
You see that toilet over there?
toilet
↗
⧉
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Yeah.
↗
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I'm gonna sit on that toilet.
toilet
↗
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And when I do,
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there will be a gap between my legs.
legs
↗
⧉
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You're gonna come over there and you're gonna sit in that gap.
↗
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And listen, this is where it gets odd.
↗
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We both have to shit at the same time.
↗
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And if we can do that,
↗
⧉
↓
a portal
portal
↗
⧉
↓
will open on that wall
open
wall
↗
⧉
↓
and we can leave this madness.
madness
↗
⧉
↓
How could you fuck with me like that, man?
fuck
↗
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I'm not fucking with you.
fucking
↗
⧉
↓
Sit on a toilet with you and shit at the same time?
toilet
↗
⧉
↓
- It works. - Yeah.
works
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, you're a fucking lunatic, man.
fucking
lunatic
↗
⧉
↓
I'm fucking out of here.
fucking
↗
⧉
↓
I wouldn't do that.
↗
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I just went in to have my appendix removed.
appendix
removed
↗
⧉
↓
You see this wall?
wall
↗
⧉
↓
This is the portal that opens some...
opens
portal
↗
⧉
↓
interdimensional alien something. I...
alien
↗
⧉
↓
I've seen it.
seen
↗
⧉
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It works.
works
↗
⧉
↓
This is insane, man.
insane
↗
⧉
↓
So I'm just gonna sit back
↗
⧉
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so the gap is big enough for you there.
↗
⧉
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And then we're gonna shit together?
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Take a look around, man.
↗
⧉
↓
You fell asleep in the hospital and woke up in a goddamn alien apocalypse.
alien
apocalypse
asleep
fell
fell-asleep
goddamn
hospital
woke
↗
⧉
↓
Machines fighting aliens, aliens fucking humans.
aliens
fighting
fucking
humans
machines
↗
⧉
↓
Is this really the craziest thing happening these days?
craziest
days
↗
⧉
↓
- They're fucking humans? - Uh...
fucking
humans
↗
⧉
↓
Maybe you'd be a little more comfortable
comfortable
↗
⧉
↓
if you just kind of faced out the other way.
faced
↗
⧉
↓
Turn around.
↗
⧉
↓
- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah.
↗
⧉
↓
All right.
↗
⧉
↓
Now we just need to focus.
focus
↗
⧉
↓
Here we go, Roger.
roger
↗
⧉
↓
Here we go.
↗
⧉
↓
I shit.
↗
⧉
↓
I did it, but, uh, nothing's happening.
nothings
↗
⧉
↓
Evan, I...
evan
↗
⧉
↓
I didn't go.
↗
⧉
↓
What? You... You didn't? But...
↗
⧉
↓
I guess I wasn't ready.
ready
↗
⧉
↓
Do you maybe have another one in you?
another
↗
⧉
↓
Another one? I don't know, man.
another
↗
⧉
↓
Hold on.
↗
⧉
↓
- Oh, maybe a little one. - Ah.
↗
⧉
↓
- That's enough. - Okay.
↗
⧉
↓
All right. Here it goes. You ready?
ready
↗
⧉
↓
- You bet. - Yeah, okay.
↗
⧉
↓
Okay, here it goes. Here it...
↗
⧉
↓
I did it.
↗
⧉
↓
I shit!
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, my God!
↗
⧉
↓
Did you shit too?
↗
⧉
↓
You know what?
↗
⧉
↓
I didn't.
↗
⧉
↓
You didn't go?
↗
⧉
↓
Then why did I just shit between your legs?
legs
↗
⧉
↓
So I can come, baby.
baby
↗
⧉
↓
What do you think?
↗
⧉
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I love it.
love
↗
⧉
↓
All right! Nice!
↗
⧉
↓
- We'll take it. - Great.
↗
⧉
↓
- He's a good kid. - Yeah.
↗
⧉
↓
How'd you trick him?
howd
trick
↗
⧉
↓
I made him shit.
↗
⧉
↓
You did?
↗
⧉
↓
- That's very clever. - Is it?
clever
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah. That is very clever.
clever
↗
⧉
↓
Do you want the neuron adapter?
↗
⧉
↓
It shocks you when the alien comes.
alien
comes
↗
⧉
↓
Buddy, what do you think?
buddy
↗
⧉
↓
- Yeah! - Yeah, let's go for it.
↗
⧉
↓
All right.
↗
⧉
↓
Some people say it hurts, but I think it adds to the experience.
adds
experience
hurts
↗
⧉
↓
Success is tough.
success
tough
↗
⧉
↓
Some people define success
define
success
↗
⧉
↓
as spending quality time with the people they love.
love
quality
spending
↗
⧉
↓
I think we can all agree that those people are losers.
agree
losers
↗
⧉
↓
Success means different things to different people.
success
↗
⧉
↓
To this person, it's gaining followers.
followers
gaining
person
↗
⧉
↓
To this guy, success means spreading conspiracy theories on the Internet.
conspiracy
internet
spreading
success
theories
↗
⧉
↓
I'm a 20-year-old African American woman,
african
african-american
american
woman
↗
⧉
↓
and the measles vaccine caused my hair to fall out.
caused
fall
hair
vaccine
↗
⧉
↓
And to this man, it means going to the bathroom
bathroom
↗
⧉
↓
without filling up the entire toilet
entire
filling
toilet
↗
⧉
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with blood.
blood
↗
⧉
↓
Not today.
today
↗
⧉
↓
What does success mean to you?
success
↗
⧉
↓
He's one of the most successful actors to grace the screen.
actors
grace
screen
successful
↗
⧉
↓
He's punched, he's kicked, he's flipped countless bad guys.
countless
flipped
kicked
punched
↗
⧉
↓
Didn't your mother teach you not to stay out after dark?
dark
mother
teach
↗
⧉
↓
Now we are behind the scenes on the super-secret set
behind
scenes
secret
super
↗
⧉
↓
of the new high-octane thriller Maximum Kickage.
maximum
thriller
↗
⧉
↓
Starring the man, the myth, the legend himself,
legend
myth
starring
↗
⧉
↓
an American sent to Russia to expose corrupt FBI agents
agents
american
corrupt
expose
russia
sent
↗
⧉
↓
who are running a fentanyl and kiddie porn ring.
fentanyl
kiddie
porn
ring
running
↗
⧉
↓
Also, I dismantle nuclear bombs.
bombs
nuclear
↗
⧉
↓
Also, I'm a doctor.
doctor
↗
⧉
↓
Also, I make love to many beautiful women.
love
women
↗
⧉
↓
Sort of like you.
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah.
↗
⧉
↓
Like any great Steven Seagal movie,
movie
steven
↗
⧉
↓
the audience can expect heart-pounding fight scenes.
audience
expect
fight
heart
pounding
scenes
↗
⧉
↓
I do karate on a helicopter.
helicopter
karate
↗
⧉
↓
I do kung-fu on a speeding motorcycle.
kung
motorcycle
speeding
↗
⧉
↓
I do all my own shit.
↗
⧉
↓
Not like that pussy, Tom Cruise.
cruise
pussy
↗
⧉
↓
Open up.
open
↗
⧉
↓
That was your fault.
fault
↗
⧉
↓
Isn't it dangerous to do stunts practically?
dangerous
practically
stunts
↗
⧉
↓
- If you're a bitch. - Right.
bitch
↗
⧉
↓
Van Damme is a bitch.
bitch
↗
⧉
↓
Wesley Snipes is a bitch.
bitch
↗
⧉
↓
Daniel Craig's a bitch.
bitch
craigs
daniel
↗
⧉
↓
- So how do you-- - Jason Statham's a bitch.
bitch
jason
↗
⧉
↓
- Oh. - Tom Cruise. Did I say him?
cruise
↗
⧉
↓
- You did. - He's a double bitch.
bitch
double
↗
⧉
↓
The greatest. The greatest.
greatest
↗
⧉
↓
My good friend Vladimir Putin
friend
↗
⧉
↓
was very excited.
excited
↗
⧉
↓
This has been a dream come true.
dream
↗
⧉
↓
- Y'all supposed to be FBI? - Mm-hmm.
supposed
yall
↗
⧉
↓
You're fittin' to be FB bye-bye.
↗
⧉
↓
- You'll pay for this. - Yeah.
↗
⧉
↓
- Uh, cut. - What the fuck, Steven?
fuck
steven
↗
⧉
↓
and working with Steven has been an incredible experience.
experience
incredible
steven
working
↗
⧉
↓
Um, I can't speak highly--
highly
speak
↗
⧉
↓
Um...
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, uh...
↗
⧉
↓
Um...
↗
⧉
↓
From what I hear, you don't always stick to the script.
script
stick
↗
⧉
↓
Well, I am the king of improv.
improv
king
↗
⧉
↓
In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.
brave
forces
seen
special
special-forces
years
↗
⧉
↓
What are we doing here?
↗
⧉
↓
In my 30 years on Special Forces, I've never seen anyone as brave as you.
brave
forces
seen
special
special-forces
years
↗
⧉
↓
Like I said, I am the king of improv.
improv
king
↗
⧉
↓
You do have a way with words.
words
↗
⧉
↓
- Fuck, fuck, fuck... - Do we need to cut?
fuck
fuck-fuck
fuck-fuck-fuck
↗
⧉
↓
No, baby. These are my investors.
baby
investors
↗
⧉
↓
What's up?
↗
⧉
↓
Hey, what a surprise.
surprise
↗
⧉
↓
Nyet? All right. Well, this is gonna be a classic.
classic
↗
⧉
↓
It's got fights.
fights
↗
⧉
↓
Hardcore sex...
hardcore
↗
⧉
↓
We've seen the dailies, this is a garbage movie.
garbage
movie
seen
↗
⧉
↓
We only got one more scene. That's it.
scene
↗
⧉
↓
You're gonna love it.
love
↗
⧉
↓
You idiot, you owe us $80 million.
idiot
million
↗
⧉
↓
Oleg, remove his testicles.
remove
testicles
↗
⧉
↓
Hey, hey, no, listen, y'all.
yall
↗
⧉
↓
Just give old Stevie one more shot.
shot
stevie
↗
⧉
↓
It's going to be a beautiful scene. Come watch.
scene
watch
↗
⧉
↓
Let me do my magic.
magic
↗
⧉
↓
Let me keep my testicles.
testicles
↗
⧉
↓
Fine, let's see this scene.
scene
↗
⧉
↓
Spasibo.
↗
⧉
↓
Here we go. Ready and action!
action
ready
↗
⧉
↓
America says it's tax time.
america
↗
⧉
↓
Ah!
↗
⧉
↓
You know, I could kill you very easily right now.
easily
kill
↗
⧉
↓
But I know you'll be waiting for me in hell.
waiting
↗
⧉
↓
Fuck it.
fuck
↗
⧉
↓
I'm dyin'.
↗
⧉
↓
I'm bleeding and I'm dying. Look at me die, everybody.
bleeding
dying
everybody
↗
⧉
↓
Cut.
↗
⧉
↓
Camera down! I said camera down!
camera
↗
⧉
↓
That was the best acting I've ever seen me do.
acting
best
seen
↗
⧉
↓
We have enough to finish the film.
film
finish
↗
⧉
↓
Wait. It ain't got to be like this. Wait!
aint
↗
⧉
↓
Maximum Kickage coming to hotel rooms and Russian annexed territories this fall.
coming
fall
hotel
maximum
rooms
russian
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah. I just want to go home, man.
home
↗
⧉
↓
Hey, hen hounds,
hounds
↗
⧉
↓
Country singer, Rex Henley, has a new single.
country
henley
singer
single
↗
⧉
↓
It's called, and I'm not making this up,
called
↗
⧉
↓
Rich Guy Advice.
advice
rich
↗
⧉
↓
That's the actual the title of the album.
actual
album
title
↗
⧉
↓
Rex Henley is a fucking weirdo.
fucking
henley
weirdo
↗
⧉
↓
This is the guy who used to write heartfelt American songs
american
songs
used
write
↗
⧉
↓
about his '65 Chevy.
↗
⧉
↓
Now he's doing this?
↗
⧉
↓
Stop making music, please.
music
↗
⧉
↓
I'mma make a promise to y'all.
imma
promise
yall
↗
⧉
↓
The next time you hear a Rex Henley song,
henley
song
↗
⧉
↓
you're gonna get touched
touched
↗
⧉
↓
in a way you've never been touched before.
touched
↗
⧉
↓
And I like that.
↗
⧉
↓
I really like that.
↗
⧉
↓
Run faster. Where are you?
faster
↗
⧉
↓
Hey, come here! Hurry up!
hurry
↗
⧉
↓
Hey! What are you doing?
↗
⧉
↓
No, sir, oh, please, sir. I was just trying to tie my shoe.
shoe
↗
⧉
↓
You bastard!
bastard
↗
⧉
↓
It's here, hurry up!
hurry
↗
⧉
↓
Move, quick!
quick
↗
⧉
↓
Move, quickly!
quickly
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, my God. Oh. Please don't hurt me.
hurt
↗
⧉
↓
No one's gonna hurt you.
hurt
ones
↗
⧉
↓
Where am I?
↗
⧉
↓
The last thing I remember was being at a concert, I think?
concert
remember
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, we were all at a fucking concert.
concert
fucking
↗
⧉
↓
Here we go.
↗
⧉
↓
Don't even think about runnin'.
runnin
↗
⧉
↓
Big trucks, cold beer
beer
cold
cold-beer
trucks
↗
⧉
↓
Stars and stripes Still fly around here
stars
stripes
↗
⧉
↓
He's coming.
coming
↗
⧉
↓
He's coming.
coming
↗
⧉
↓
What the fuck?
fuck
↗
⧉
↓
Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!
country
country-music
kickin
music
↗
⧉
↓
Just keep clapping.
clapping
↗
⧉
↓
All right!
↗
⧉
↓
Is that Rex Henley?
henley
↗
⧉
↓
Whoo! All right, you guys ready for an unplugged sesh?
ready
unplugged
whoo
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah.
↗
⧉
↓
Hey-hey, that's the good stuff, man.
stuff
↗
⧉
↓
God damn, I miss those cheers.
cheers
miss
↗
⧉
↓
Feels good when they clap.
clap
feels
↗
⧉
↓
All right. Whoo!
whoo
↗
⧉
↓
Now, where my hen hounds at?
hounds
↗
⧉
↓
You guys ready to get to it? You lazy bums.
bums
lazy
ready
↗
⧉
↓
What is happening?
↗
⧉
↓
- Enough resting. - He's kidnapped a bunch of his fans.
bunch
fans
kidnapped
resting
↗
⧉
↓
- We're here to work. - He's mining us for material.
material
mining
↗
⧉
↓
He's trying to write a new album.
album
write
↗
⧉
↓
So think of this as a conversation.
conversation
↗
⧉
↓
We are wiping out the walls between you and me
walls
wiping
↗
⧉
↓
in an effort to get to the truth.
effort
truth
↗
⧉
↓
That's where I want to go.
↗
⧉
↓
I want to get to the real stuff. Slick stuff, raw stuff.
real
slick
stuff
↗
⧉
↓
He even built this fake town to try to relate to normal folk.
built
fake
folk
normal
relate
town
↗
⧉
↓
The only way you do that is by being honest.
honest
↗
⧉
↓
I'm in pursuit of it.
↗
⧉
↓
He calls us the poors. I'm a brain surgeon.
brain
calls
surgeon
↗
⧉
↓
Now, who's ready to share a problem they got?
problem
ready
share
↗
⧉
↓
You, hat, tell me one of your problems.
problems
↗
⧉
↓
Uh...
↗
⧉
↓
My feet hurt.
feet
feet-hurt
hurt
↗
⧉
↓
My feet hurt.
feet
feet-hurt
hurt
↗
⧉
↓
You hear this shit?
↗
⧉
↓
You think I wanna write a song about a busted fucking flip-flop?
busted
flip
flip-flop
flop
fucking
song
write
↗
⧉
↓
This ain't Margaritaville, muchacho. I want some real shit.
aint
real
↗
⧉
↓
Why don't you go get your toes done? Anybody else?
anybody
toes
↗
⧉
↓
You.
↗
⧉
↓
My mother died in 9/11.
died
mother
↗
⧉
↓
Ooh! I like that.
↗
⧉
↓
Byung Sung, where are your manners?
byung
byung-sung
manners
sung
↗
⧉
↓
Give this starving bitch a shrimp.
bitch
shrimp
starving
↗
⧉
↓
This hag.
↗
⧉
↓
Here's a bunch. Eat it, bitch!
bitch
bunch
↗
⧉
↓
On a cold September morning
cold
morning
september
↗
⧉
↓
Mama got up to go to work
mama
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, I can work with that. I like that. Very nice.
↗
⧉
↓
You know, I like 9/11 as much as the next guy.
↗
⧉
↓
But my good buddy, Byung Sung, here
buddy
byung
byung-sung
sung
↗
⧉
↓
just reminded me that a few months ago,
months
reminded
↗
⧉
↓
you said your mama died in a hurricane.
died
hurricane
mama
↗
⧉
↓
Now, I do not quite recall what sent those towers crumbling down,
recall
sent
towers
↗
⧉
↓
because I was very busy that morning.
busy
morning
↗
⧉
↓
But I'm pretty sure it wasn't a fucking hurricane!
fucking
hurricane
↗
⧉
↓
No!
↗
⧉
↓
Oh!
↗
⧉
↓
Guys? Guys? Guys!
↗
⧉
↓
This is about trust.
trust
↗
⧉
↓
I mean, we're a family here.
family
↗
⧉
↓
Families love each other, families laugh together.
families
laugh
love
↗
⧉
↓
We laugh all goddamn day.
goddamn
laugh
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, we're not a family.
family
↗
⧉
↓
What was that?
↗
⧉
↓
- What'd you just say? - Uh...
whatd
↗
⧉
↓
I said... I said, "We're not a family."
family
↗
⧉
↓
Uh, yes, we are. It says it right there on the fucking merch!
fucking
merch
↗
⧉
↓
Well, family don't, uh, kidnap each other.
family
kidnap
↗
⧉
↓
You just...
↗
⧉
↓
Fuck!
fuck
↗
⧉
↓
Way to ruin the groove, you selfish shit.
groove
ruin
selfish
↗
⧉
↓
Session's over. No more jamming today.
jamming
sessions
today
↗
⧉
↓
Byung Sung, take that bullshit.
bullshit
byung
byung-sung
sung
↗
⧉
↓
God damn it!
↗
⧉
↓
Nice knowing you.
knowing
↗
⧉
↓
Move quickly!
quickly
↗
⧉
↓
- Get in and find her. Got it? - Yes, sir.
↗
⧉
↓
Let me open the door now.
door
open
↗
⧉
↓
- Get ready. - Yes!
ready
↗
⧉
↓
Here you go.
↗
⧉
↓
No!
↗
⧉
↓
Hold her!
↗
⧉
↓
Come here!
↗
⧉
↓
Hey, where is it? Find it quickly!
quickly
↗
⧉
↓
On your knees!
knees
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, God, please!
↗
⧉
↓
What?
↗
⧉
↓
Oh. Don't kill me! Please, please, please.
kill
↗
⧉
↓
P.S. Wash up, stinky!
stinky
wash
↗
⧉
↓
LOL.
↗
⧉
↓
Big trucks, cold beer
beer
cold
cold-beer
trucks
↗
⧉
↓
Stars and stripes Still fly around here
stars
stripes
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, they do
↗
⧉
↓
Fast cars, hitchin' bass
bass
cars
fast
↗
⧉
↓
Country music and kickin' ass, yeah!
country
country-music
kickin
music
↗
⧉
↓
Whoo! Yeah, kickin' ass
kickin
whoo
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