Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E07 — Dee Sinks In A Bog

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 7 — Dee Sinks In A Bog

Dennis.

#1

⇓

Wake up, buddy.

#2

⇓

Smell the stew, okay?

#3

⇓

Breathe in the arousing aromas

#4

⇓

of this delicious st... Ah, screw it.

#5

⇓

What the hell was that? That's hot as shit

#6

⇓

Yeah, that's a bowl of stew you took right in the grills.

#7

⇓

See? It does wake people up.

#8

⇓

Why am I in a hospital?

#9

⇓

And why is your head still on? Did they reattach it?

#10

⇓

Left the skin pretty loose I see.

#11

⇓

You didn't behead me, you idiot.

#12

⇓

You had a 105 degree fever

#13

⇓

and you were hallucinating.

#14

⇓

You were too weak to even lift the ax.

#15

⇓

You did collapse, shit yourself, and stink up the castle.

#16

⇓

You know, Dee, I, uh...

#17

⇓

I'm starting to think I might have had COVID.

#18

⇓

- Oh, yeah? You think? - Yeah.

#19

⇓

Mr. Reynolds, you're finally up.

#20

⇓

What is that?

#21

⇓

- It's stew. What's the update, man? - Stew.

#22

⇓

Uh, okay. How are we feeling?

#23

⇓

Uh, outraged, violated,

#24

⇓

disgusted at the looseness of my sister's neck,

#25

⇓

covered in stew,

#26

⇓

dragged to a dingy hospital where I'm

#27

⇓

about to be saddled with an enormous bill.

#28

⇓

Ah, there is no bill. It's free.

#29

⇓

Ireland has public health care.

#30

⇓

Well, then that'll be fine.

#31

⇓

It's free, huh?

#32

⇓

Then maybe I ought to get my neck done.

#33

⇓

Yeah, your sister's a stitch.

#34

⇓

Oh, yeah? Have you heard the one about the hot Irish doctor

#35

⇓

who has a fling with the hilarious American tourist?

#36

⇓

I could give you the punch line over drinks tonight, my place.

#37

⇓

Sure. Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.

#38

⇓

- Tonight it is. - Tonight it is.

#39

⇓

Looks like mama's about to have a little of the old 'luck of the Irish'.

#40

⇓

You know, I'm just so glad you're feeling better,

#41

⇓

Dennis, I really am.

#42

⇓

A couple of things about the castle.

#43

⇓

I do need you to clear out of here for the night.

#44

⇓

- What? - Mm.

#45

⇓

Dee, I haven't begun to do half the things I want to do,

#46

⇓

- now you're asking me to leave? - Yeah.

#47

⇓

Oh, Christ!

#48

⇓

Frankenstein in the house.

#49

⇓

- What is this? - What are you doing?

#50

⇓

Just want to reconnect with my kids.

#51

⇓

Not you so much, more Dennis.

#52

⇓

Like, you know, father-son thing.

#53

⇓

I mean, it's one of the strongest bonds there is.

#54

⇓

- Come on. Give me a kiss. - What are you doing?

#55

⇓

- A kiss? No! - Give me a kiss.

#56

⇓

Give your daddy a kiss.

#57

⇓

No! God. Get your lips away from me, Frank.

#58

⇓

What?

#59

⇓

- What's your angle? - What're you doing here?

#60

⇓

Charlie's got a new dad.

#61

⇓

A-a new dad?

#62

⇓

- Weird. - Yeah.

#63

⇓

I want to humiliate the jerk.

#64

⇓

I want to send his Irish ass packing.

#65

⇓

- He's jealous. - Yeah.

#66

⇓

Listen, I don't have any interest

#67

⇓

in the interpersonal dynamics between an old man

#68

⇓

- and his roommate/surrogate adult son. - Yeah.

#69

⇓

But if we can incorporate the castle into it in some way, then I'm in.

#70

⇓

- Done. - No.

#71

⇓

- No. - Yes.

#72

⇓

Goddamn it, no! You listen to me.

#73

⇓

This trip has been absolutely ruined because of you, okay?

#74

⇓

I have one chance tonight to have a good time.

#75

⇓

So here's what is going to happen.

#76

⇓

I'm going to go down to the bog to gather peat moss

#77

⇓

to burn it to get rid of the shit smell Dennis stunk up the castle with.

#78

⇓

Do not be here when I get back.

#79

⇓

Cool.

#80

⇓

She's...

#81

⇓

- Bent out of shape. - Yeah.

#82

⇓

Just me and you?

#83

⇓

Yeah.

#84

⇓

It's a little odd being one-on-one, though, you know.

#85

⇓

- I feel like we usually have a buffer. - Yeah.

#86

⇓

Yeah.

#87

⇓

So, Mac, when did you hear the call to become a priest?

#88

⇓

When God took away my Irish identity,

#89

⇓

and made me Dutch to smite me for the urges that He gave me

#90

⇓

when I made the original sin of being born.

#91

⇓

That's not the way God works, Mac.

#92

⇓

He doesn't smite us.

#93

⇓

Yes, He does. Remember the flood that took out the whole world?

#94

⇓

Remember? Then Noah made that ark, and he saved himself but not women,

#95

⇓

which was really cool.

#96

⇓

Not sure how he made more people after that.

#97

⇓

Could've been another rib situation. Then God made the Ark of the Covenant

#98

⇓

where he promised to never, ever do it again.

#99

⇓

Then people looked at it.

#100

⇓

He didn't like that, so he blasted them, too.

#101

⇓

The Nazis got their faces melted off.

#102

⇓

The guy with the whip and the hat was cool.

#103

⇓

I think you've mixed that story up with Indiana Jones.

#104

⇓

Oh. I did?

#105

⇓

Yeah, but listen,

#106

⇓

many of the stories in the Bible are metaphors.

#107

⇓

Parables with lessons.

#108

⇓

What's the lesson of the last one?

#109

⇓

You're looking at this all wrong.

#110

⇓

The Bible is a guidepost.

#111

⇓

Interpretations can change over time.

#112

⇓

They can?

#113

⇓

Yes, and so can the Church.

#114

⇓

Our God, the God we teach here, is a merciful God.

#115

⇓

One that loves us for exactly who we are.

#116

⇓

Otherwise, why would He have made us that way in the first place?

#117

⇓

Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

#118

⇓

Thanks, Gus.

#119

⇓

That's John Patrick Kelly. Killed by the plague.

#120

⇓

And his son William, also the plague.

#121

⇓

And Michael Kelly.

#122

⇓

He was attacked by the village loon, became a loon himself.

#123

⇓

He died from eating rocks, which he thought were eggs.

#124

⇓

Oof.

#125

⇓

Yeah, I've made that mistake, yeah.

#126

⇓

So, are all the Kellys' buried here?

#127

⇓

Uh...

#128

⇓

Honored, yes. Buried, no.

#129

⇓

They were all thrown from a cliff into the sea.

#130

⇓

You see, legend has it

#131

⇓

that only when a man is thrown from a cliff into the sea,

#132

⇓

may his soul be released.

#133

⇓

When I pass, I'll have the same done for me.

#134

⇓

All Kelly men must be thrown from a cliff into the sea.

#135

⇓

Wow.

#136

⇓

- That's pretty cool. - Yeah.

#137

⇓

What about the women?

#138

⇓

The women are thrown from a cliff as well.

#139

⇓

Mostly alive.

#140

⇓

Just to see if they can fly, as they're presumed to be witches.

#141

⇓

Right. Right.

#142

⇓

Well, we... we honor their spirits.

#143

⇓

Yes, their spirits watch over us. The men, that is.

#144

⇓

Ah.

#145

⇓

The women roam the land as terrible hags and banshees

#146

⇓

whose wailing warns of impending death.

#147

⇓

If you ever see a gruesome woman

#148

⇓

covered in filth with long, stringy hair,

#149

⇓

who's horribly shrieking in the night,

#150

⇓

the end is near.

#151

⇓

Whoa.

#152

⇓

I mean, how am I supposed to know what peat is?

#153

⇓

What am I? A botanist?

#154

⇓

Hey-o. I'll burn you.

#155

⇓

Be like lighting a match. That works.

#156

⇓

Oh.

#157

⇓

Hey-o. That's my guy.

#158

⇓

A selfie? You got it.

#159

⇓

Goddamn it.

#160

⇓

Dennis got me all worked up about my neck!

#161

⇓

Here.

#162

⇓

I mean, that's just insane.

#163

⇓

Maybe if I stand back a little bit.

#164

⇓

Let's see here.

#165

⇓

Oh!

#166

⇓

Ew.

#167

⇓

Oh shit.

#168

⇓

Oh... Help!

#169

⇓

Dennis!

#170

⇓

This is crazy, but I think I'm stuck!

#171

⇓

Am I sinking?

#172

⇓

Oh, shit, I'm sinking.

#173

⇓

Yes.

#174

⇓

Yes.

#175

⇓

- You're right. - Huh, who you talking to?

#176

⇓

- Nothing. It's just the castle. - The castle?

#177

⇓

Yeah, don't worry about it.

#178

⇓

- Yeah, no. - Okay, we've got it.

#179

⇓

- What? - It'll be a dinner!

#180

⇓

- Hmm? - A banquet of humiliation.

#181

⇓

Wait a minute. The old turd in the soup trick.

#182

⇓

- We're not... - Turd in the soup.

#183

⇓

We're not putting a turd in someone's soup.

#184

⇓

Can we be a little more sophisticated than that?

#185

⇓

All right, so you invite them to a classy dinner.

#186

⇓

You wine and dine the man while also pointing out all of his character flaws,

#187

⇓

and then you lure him over to the castle's murder hole.

#188

⇓

Is that like a glory hole?

#189

⇓

A predecessor to the glory hole, perhaps.

#190

⇓

It's a discreet opening concealed in plain sight,

#191

⇓

except, instead of for sex, it's used for murder.

#192

⇓

- You didn't see that? - No.

#193

⇓

No. Yeah, so you'll lure him under the hole,

#194

⇓

where I will douse him with boiling oil

#195

⇓

or hot tar or really any scalding substance.

#196

⇓

- Wait, you're gonna char the guy? - Yeah.

#197

⇓

- Gonna char him up? - Yeah.

#198

⇓

I'm not gonna kill him. It's got to be hot enough to be annoying.

#199

⇓

- Yeah. Burn him. - He's gonna get burned.

#200

⇓

Charlie's got to see him so we can expose him

#201

⇓

as the child-abandoning monster that he is.

#202

⇓

- Exactly. - FYI, I'll know exactly

#203

⇓

when to pour the boiling substance

#204

⇓

because I'm going to be hiding in this passageway here.

#205

⇓

I'm gonna take this painting, cover up the passageway.

#206

⇓

I'm gonna cut out the eyeholes so I can see everything that's happening.

#207

⇓

That's something I've wanted to do. It takes advantage of the castle.

#208

⇓

It happens to be the castle's preference for how this is all gonna go down.

#209

⇓

- Oh, right. - Yeah.

#210

⇓

Wow. I wouldn't have been able to think of this all by myself.

#211

⇓

I mean, you know, the sickness and anger inside of you is diabolical.

#212

⇓

- Way to go, son. - Well...

#213

⇓

I suppose all of your years of neglect and misdeeds

#214

⇓

have allowed me to harness the darkness inside me

#215

⇓

and to unleash it without conscience, so...

#216

⇓

Yeah, perhaps I owe you a...

#217

⇓

thanks for making me the man I am today, Frank. Thank you.

#218

⇓

You're welcome.

#219

⇓

Yeah, maybe I'll just um...

#220

⇓

- There. - Oh.

#221

⇓

Was that okay to do?

#222

⇓

Yeah, it was nice.

#223

⇓

Good.

#224

⇓

So, you're telling me

#225

⇓

that the Cain and Abel thing didn't actually happen?

#226

⇓

Metaphor.

#227

⇓

This is all so confusing.

#228

⇓

Yes, look...

#229

⇓

Our faith is... it's complicated.

#230

⇓

Can I admit something?

#231

⇓

You said you were born a certain way. You're... different.

#232

⇓

You have urges that, traditionally,

#233

⇓

the Church has been very clear about.

#234

⇓

Well... I have those urges, too.

#235

⇓

- You do? - Yes.

#236

⇓

I, too, have an eye for the lads.

#237

⇓

It's not uncommon. There's nothing wrong with it.

#238

⇓

It's who He made us.

#239

⇓

But, uh, our path,

#240

⇓

this path, is very clear.

#241

⇓

We must never act on those urges.

#242

⇓

That's gonna be really hard for me.

#243

⇓

That's what he said.

#244

⇓

- That's really good. - Thank you. I'm sorry.

#245

⇓

It just slipped out.

#246

⇓

That's what he said.

#247

⇓

Shh! Shh.

#248

⇓

Sorry.

#249

⇓

Help!

#250

⇓

- God, help. Hello? - Hello?

#251

⇓

- Hello? - Hello!

#252

⇓

- Hello... - W-W-Waitress?

#253

⇓

Oh... my God.

#254

⇓

What the hell are you doing out here?

#255

⇓

What are you doing out here with a toiletry bag?

#256

⇓

Are you gonna brush your teeth in a stream?

#257

⇓

No. I was gonna shave my legs.

#258

⇓

Ew. Gross.

#259

⇓

Um, hey, can you help a girl out and get me of this bog?

#260

⇓

Are you stuck in there?

#261

⇓

Yeah.

#262

⇓

I know.

#263

⇓

I also seem to be sinking.

#264

⇓

- And, uh... I know. - Uh-oh.

#265

⇓

And I have a date tonight with a real hot Irish doctor.

#266

⇓

Is he meeting you here, or...

#267

⇓

You got me. No, no. He's meeting me out there.

#268

⇓

- I bet. - That's why I want to get out.

#269

⇓

I also don't want to die.

#270

⇓

Give me a tug. I bet you could get me out.

#271

⇓

Yeah. Here. I got you. Let me just...

#272

⇓

- You're a livesa... - Grab my hand, and I'll... Psych!

#273

⇓

"Psych"?

#274

⇓

Your face. I'm kidding. No, I got you.

#275

⇓

- Okay. - Psych!

#276

⇓

Two times.

#277

⇓

- I will get you. - Hey, well, just quick tip for you.

#278

⇓

Nobody does "psych" anymore.

#279

⇓

- Do they not? - No, it's dumb.

#280

⇓

- I feel like it's classic. - You got me.

#281

⇓

- I got you. - I got you, you got me.

#282

⇓

Okay.

#283

⇓

It's fun. Here we go. Psych!

#284

⇓

My God. Come on. Knock it off. Cut the shit. Get me out of here.

#285

⇓

I will. All you have to do is one thing.

#286

⇓

Yes. Great. What?

#287

⇓

Say my name.

#288

⇓

Hmm?

#289

⇓

Just say my name. What is it?

#290

⇓

Oh, o... kay, yeah.

#291

⇓

Yeah, yeah.

#292

⇓

- It's... That's easy. - Okay.

#293

⇓

Just, just give me, give me a second.

#294

⇓

Well, Mac, this is it.

#295

⇓

The end of a typical day in my life.

#296

⇓

It's modest, pious, and somewhat dull,

#297

⇓

but, I can't imagine my life any other way.

#298

⇓

- What do you think? - Gus, knowing that there's somebody here

#299

⇓

that's exactly like me gives me the courage

#300

⇓

to want to do it, too.

#301

⇓

So, tomorrow, I am going to join the seminary.

#302

⇓

Grand! I am so happy for you.

#303

⇓

And I must admit, I'm happy for myself, too.

#304

⇓

Having someone here

#305

⇓

who knows how I feel will help keep me

#306

⇓

- on the straight and narrow. - Yes.

#307

⇓

And no matter how strong those urges get,

#308

⇓

and they will be strong,

#309

⇓

we must never give in to them. We would get kicked out.

#310

⇓

- Good. - Yes.

#311

⇓

And we'll never leave each other alone in the room with the wee lads.

#312

⇓

Yes, and I also think...

#313

⇓

Wait, what?

#314

⇓

Or the wee lasses, whatever you're into.

#315

⇓

There's no judgment here.

#316

⇓

And, of course, you know, if you do slip up,

#317

⇓

you go to a new parish, they sort the family out,

#318

⇓

have some chats, some money changes hands, perhaps not.

#319

⇓

No harm, no foul. You come back, you're grand.

#320

⇓

Yeah, I'm gay. What are you talking about?

#321

⇓

No. I'm gay. That's it.

#322

⇓

I'm a gay man.

#323

⇓

I'm a gay man who has trouble controlling his...

#324

⇓

urges with other gay adult men,

#325

⇓

and that's the end of it.

#326

⇓

Goddamn it.

#327

⇓

Welcome, welcome. Come in, come in.

#328

⇓

- You're leaving us out there forever. - Come on in.

#329

⇓

Welcome. Shirley, let me take your coat.

#330

⇓

Frank, his name is Shelley, okay? You know this.

#331

⇓

You couldn't take his coat if you tried.

#332

⇓

It's buttoned to his pants in Irish style.

#333

⇓

I'm not wearing a coat.

#334

⇓

Right, he's not even wearing a coat, man.

#335

⇓

Look, we brought you this. We made it ourselves, with love.

#336

⇓

You made cheese together?

#337

⇓

I think cheese should be sprayed out of a can,

#338

⇓

but to each his own.

#339

⇓

Normally, I would agree, but Shelley's opened my eyes.

#340

⇓

Oh, yeah? Well, that can be very blinding.

#341

⇓

But I'm sure, by the end of the evening,

#342

⇓

we'll all be seeing clear.

#343

⇓

Let's sit down.

#344

⇓

I don't like how you said that. I don't like how he said that.

#345

⇓

- Yeah. - Wow.

#346

⇓

- Well, come on in. - Cool.

#347

⇓

- Wow. Okay. - Very nice.

#348

⇓

Put it right there. Welcome. Sit down there.

#349

⇓

- Went all out? - Shirley, there.

#350

⇓

- Charlie, there. - Here?

#351

⇓

Welcome, and thank you all for coming.

#352

⇓

You know, it's been a very trying time

#353

⇓

with Charlie finding his biological father,

#354

⇓

who abandoned him when he was a child, by the way.

#355

⇓

Not judging, just the facts.

#356

⇓

Okay, I can't read the tone of this dinner. It's confusing.

#357

⇓

Are you being mean? Nice? What are you doing?

#358

⇓

No, I want everybody to be happy.

#359

⇓

In the spirit of that, I bought everybody a gift.

#360

⇓

So, just look under your seats,

#361

⇓

and you'll see a nice gift for you. Shelley, you go first.

#362

⇓

- Oh. - Wow.

#363

⇓

- Yeah. - Okay.

#364

⇓

Very nice.

#365

⇓

Swim goggles?

#366

⇓

Yeah, they're good ones, too.

#367

⇓

They'll protect your eyes from any chlorine

#368

⇓

or oils or any other hot liquid that might come in contact with your face.

#369

⇓

That's kind of you, Frank, thanks.

#370

⇓

- I'm not seeing a present for me. - No.

#371

⇓

Just the one gift, for Shelley.

#372

⇓

Eat up. Yeah.

#373

⇓

Eat it while it's hot.

#374

⇓

It's, uh, butternut squash soup.

#375

⇓

And for the special guest, there's a couple meatballs in there.

#376

⇓

Didn't put any meatballs in that soup.

#377

⇓

- Do you hear something? - Yeah.

#378

⇓

It's probably your stomach grumbling from hunger.

#379

⇓

- Eat up before they get cold. - Why don't I get any meatballs?

#380

⇓

Now, just for the special guest. Eat up, Shel.

#381

⇓

Wait. Don't eat that.

#382

⇓

What's in the soup, Frank?

#383

⇓

Just butternut squash. A simple soup.

#384

⇓

Are the meatballs turds?

#385

⇓

What? No, they're homemade meatballs.

#386

⇓

Shelley, eat them up before they get cold.

#387

⇓

- Go on. - No, don't eat them.

#388

⇓

- Go on, Shelley. - Frank, you eat a meatball.

#389

⇓

You want me to eat the meatball?

#390

⇓

Yeah, just eat a meatball. Eat one.

#391

⇓

- All right. - Grab a meatball, scoop it out.

#392

⇓

Delicious.

#393

⇓

Now, Shelley, have, have a meatball.

#394

⇓

No, no, no, no.

#395

⇓

No, Shelley doesn't want one yet.

#396

⇓

Chew it. Chew it.

#397

⇓

And then swallow it.

#398

⇓

Chew it up.

#399

⇓

Ah! I knew it! I knew it, Frank!

#400

⇓

You're not trying to bring us closer, you're trying to drive us apart!

#401

⇓

I knew you couldn't host a dinner without a motive.

#402

⇓

All right, you got me. Okay?

#403

⇓

I'm tired of you hanging out with him the whole vacation.

#404

⇓

I mean, go ahead, go, have your fun,

#405

⇓

but, when you get back to Philly,

#406

⇓

I don't want to hear the name Shelley.

#407

⇓

I'm not coming back to Philly, Frank!

#408

⇓

I think there's another man in this room.

#409

⇓

Never mind him. What'd you say?

#410

⇓

I said I'm not coming back, Frank.

#411

⇓

I'm gonna stay here, work in my dad's shop with him,

#412

⇓

if that's all right with you.

#413

⇓

That would make me the happiest man.

#414

⇓

Well, you do that,

#415

⇓

don't even think of coming back because we're finished.

#416

⇓

That's the end of it.

#417

⇓

If that's how you feel, we'll get out of your hair.

#418

⇓

Come on, Dad. I'm sorry about this.

#419

⇓

Thanks for the goggles, Frank.

#420

⇓

Frank! What the hell was that?

#421

⇓

Charlie picked Shelley.

#422

⇓

I... I'm talking about the turd soup, man.

#423

⇓

I'm starting to get caught up in this father-son thing, too,

#424

⇓

then you put a turd in your mouth. My God.

#425

⇓

He had me up against the wall, what was I supposed to do?

#426

⇓

Not eat a poopy.

#427

⇓

Clementine? Valentine?

#428

⇓

Diana? Denise?

#429

⇓

Dennis? Dane?

#430

⇓

Goddamn it!

#431

⇓

I've named every name in the world! How have I not gotten it yet?

#432

⇓

No, no, no. You got it a while back. It's just...

#433

⇓

I'm really enjoying watching you struggle.

#434

⇓

You drunk bitch!

#435

⇓

Okay.

#436

⇓

I'm gonna save you!

#437

⇓

Unlike you, I'm not a psychopath.

#438

⇓

Oh, ugh, God. Okay.

#439

⇓

Okay. Oh... Oh, God.

#440

⇓

Now I'm in it.

#441

⇓

Hold on. No. Let go. No, let go!

#442

⇓

- You're doing it. - You're pulling me.

#443

⇓

- Yes. - What are you doing?

#444

⇓

- No, no. - Thank you!

#445

⇓

It's working.

#446

⇓

- You're doing it. - Let me out.

#447

⇓

- You are my hero. - My legs are stuck.

#448

⇓

- Yes! - Wait!

#449

⇓

- Wait, now I'm stuck. - You're stuck?

#450

⇓

I would suggest don't move, you're gonna sink.

#451

⇓

Help me out.

#452

⇓

I'm not gonna. I got a date,

#453

⇓

- but I'll come back. - No.

#454

⇓

You can't leave me here!

#455

⇓

Oh, you dirty bitch!

#456

⇓

I'm gonna kill you!

#457

⇓

I'll be back after my date!

#458

⇓

Thank you so much!

#459

⇓

Help!

#460

⇓

I'm so sorry about Frank. I...

#461

⇓

He tried to feed you shit. I'll never forgive him.

#462

⇓

Charlie, it's good to forgive.

#463

⇓

You know, a true Kelly always puts things right with the men in his life.

#464

⇓

Yeah.

#465

⇓

Not so much the women.

#466

⇓

Thus, the curse of the banshees.

#467

⇓

Right.

#468

⇓

Help! Help!

#469

⇓

Help!

#470

⇓

- Help! - What is that?

#471

⇓

Are you seeing that? What is that?

#472

⇓

What was that?

#473

⇓

A banshee.

#474

⇓