Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E06 — The Gang's Still In Ireland

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 6 — The Gang's Still In Ireland

Get the stew right up

#1

⇓

- under her nose. - Okay. Okay.

#2

⇓

And let it waft up in.

#3

⇓

She keeps moving and her hair keeps getting in the stew.

#4

⇓

Guys, hey, guys. You can stop. Stew has never woken anyone up, ever.

#5

⇓

Here, give me stew. I'll eat it.

#6

⇓

All right, fine. But I feel like the stew... No, see?

#7

⇓

Oh, it worked! Here she comes!

#8

⇓

- Hey, Dee! - Don't worry, Dee...

#9

⇓

Hi, Dee. Was it the stew that woke you up?

#10

⇓

What happened?

#11

⇓

Oh, don't worry. We're, safe and sound in Patty's Pub.

#12

⇓

What? We're back home?

#13

⇓

- Oh, no, no, no. - No.

#14

⇓

- It's... "Patty's" with a T. - Yeah.

#15

⇓

- P-A-T-T-Y. - What is going on?

#16

⇓

What... What time is it? What day is it?

#17

⇓

Wait, did I miss the thing?

#18

⇓

- What thing? Oh, the show? - The acting thing?

#19

⇓

- Yeah, you missed it. - No.

#20

⇓

- No. - Did you still want to do that?

#21

⇓

You still want to do... That's not gonna happen.

#22

⇓

Oh, no! Goddamn you.

#23

⇓

You're not gonna be able to walk back to the city 'cause we're way out in the...

#24

⇓

What? No!

#25

⇓

Goddamn it!

#26

⇓

I cannot believe you guys did this to me.

#27

⇓

Dee, can you please be grateful about this experience?

#28

⇓

I mean, take it in, will you? Here we are. We're in this charming little pub.

#29

⇓

You can smell fresh peat grass burning in the fireplace.

#30

⇓

You know, along with the, uh, the evidence of Frank's involvement

#31

⇓

- in a sex trafficking ring. - Alleged.

#32

⇓

Yeah, Dee, you got to embrace this.

#33

⇓

You know? All you're doing is complaining.

#34

⇓

This place is amazing.

#35

⇓

With the exception of all the sheep wool.

#36

⇓

Is that bothering anybody else?

#37

⇓

No, because we don't have COVID like you do.

#38

⇓

- You're sick. - No, I don't have COVID.

#39

⇓

Even the beer here sucks. Will you look at this? It's all foam.

#40

⇓

What are you doing?

#41

⇓

Oh.

#42

⇓

Sorry. We run our own bar,

#43

⇓

so I forget and sometimes I serve myself. I'm just gonna squeak by you.

#44

⇓

Actually, while I got you here, can I ask you a question?

#45

⇓

Do you know a fella in this town, goes by the name of Shelley Kelly?

#46

⇓

Yeah, everybody knows him. He's the, uh, local, uh, cheesemonger.

#47

⇓

Oh! He's the... cheese mongrel.

#48

⇓

Wow, I did not know he was a mongrel.

#49

⇓

Uh, how severe is it?

#50

⇓

Can he walk? Does he drool, or...

#51

⇓

- Monger, Charlie. Cheesemonger. - Cheesemonger.

#52

⇓

Mon... Cheese... Why are you saying it that way?

#53

⇓

Is he a mongrel or a monster? That's all I want to know.

#54

⇓

- I wonder if he's cute. - Who?

#55

⇓

Your brother, the cheese monster.

#56

⇓

Do not have sex with my brother, Mac.

#57

⇓

You know, when I was Irish first,

#58

⇓

then I wanted to find out what my heritage was.

#59

⇓

But now that I'm gay first, and that's my identity,

#60

⇓

then maybe I should just be plowing a bunch of dudes,

#61

⇓

and maybe a bunch of cheese monsters. I don't know.

#62

⇓

- Would you just... - There's gay or badass.

#63

⇓

You need to shut up, okay?

#64

⇓

Identity doesn't have to factor into absolutely every decision you make.

#65

⇓

All right? If a man wants to stand, he doesn't go,

#66

⇓

"What would a Dutchman do? Would a Dutchman stand?" Okay?

#67

⇓

And if an Italian wants to eat a sandwich,

#68

⇓

he doesn't go, "I have to eat plates of spaghetti because I'm an Italian."

#69

⇓

He just eats the goddamn sandwich.

#70

⇓

Okay? Oh, you fool.

#71

⇓

If you want to go out and bang every single guy in Ireland,

#72

⇓

just go bang every guy in Ireland

#73

⇓

and forget what your identity has to do with it.

#74

⇓

Or you could just find one guy, fall in love, get in a relationship

#75

⇓

and shut the hell up about it.

#76

⇓

- Please stop doing that. - Come on, man!

#77

⇓

If I got to stop mid-rant every time I want to order a beer,

#78

⇓

it's gonna interrupt my flow.

#79

⇓

Why don't you just keep track of what we're drinking

#80

⇓

and charge it to our individual rooms.

#81

⇓

Oh, there's only one room.

#82

⇓

- Hmm? - Yeah.

#83

⇓

One room? Wha... How's that gonna work?

#84

⇓

- Nah, that's good. - That's good?

#85

⇓

All of us crammed in one wool-infested room,

#86

⇓

that sounds good to you?

#87

⇓

You want an authentic European experience.

#88

⇓

- That's what it is. - That's too authentic, okay?

#89

⇓

I'm not staying here.

#90

⇓

I'm gonna rent a castle.

#91

⇓

Well, wait for me. I'm not staying, either.

#92

⇓

I'll tell you what, I'm not paying for this beer, okay?

#93

⇓

'Cause you can barely swallow this sludge.

#94

⇓

Oh, Dennis, hey.

#95

⇓

You should let me do the talking in there, okay?

#96

⇓

- Why? - Why?

#97

⇓

'Cause if you cough they'll not rent us the castle 'cause you have COVID.

#98

⇓

Dee, you bitch. I don't have COVID.

#99

⇓

Okay? I'm not gonna cough in there.

#100

⇓

You think I can't pinch off a cough?

#101

⇓

I will do the talking.

#102

⇓

Oh.

#103

⇓

Hi there.

#104

⇓

Beautiful day, isn't it?

#105

⇓

Grand, as you say.

#106

⇓

I think what they say is, "Top o' the mornin'."

#107

⇓

Uh, that's a stereotype. Yeah.

#108

⇓

Excuse my sister, she's, uh, not very good at talking.

#109

⇓

Um... So we're actually here looking...

#110

⇓

Uh-oh.

#111

⇓

Oh, gosh.

#112

⇓

You okay there, Dennis?

#113

⇓

Uh...

#114

⇓

Uh...

#115

⇓

Ha, looks like I'll be doing the talking.

#116

⇓

- No. - We would be looking for a castle,

#117

⇓

and we are very interested in modern amenities, please.

#118

⇓

You know, your thermostats and your remotes and shit like that.

#119

⇓

Are you jotting any of this down?

#120

⇓

Yeah, yeah, right. So... Sorry.

#121

⇓

You caught me a little off guard, is all.

#122

⇓

- So, you're-you're looking for a castle? - Mm.

#123

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#124

⇓

Is he all right?

#125

⇓

Yeah, he's okay.

#126

⇓

Well, yes and no.

#127

⇓

You know what it is? He's a mongrel.

#128

⇓

No.

#129

⇓

And that's why I've always been the talker.

#130

⇓

- Bitch. Bitch. - Oh, boy, did you hear that?

#131

⇓

Yep, here he goes. Here he goes.

#132

⇓

Yeah. We have to keep him in the basement in America,

#133

⇓

'cause one of his ticks is that he brutally masturbates himself.

#134

⇓

- No, no. - Oh, yeah.

#135

⇓

Yeah, he does a real number on it.

#136

⇓

Yeah. He's shredded it down

#137

⇓

- to a little tiny nub at this point. - No!

#138

⇓

Is what it is. No, no. He's saying,

#139

⇓

"Down there, there's barely anything left."

#140

⇓

- Damn it! - That's what he's saying.

#141

⇓

There's nothing left down there. Yeah, so,

#142

⇓

um, I don't see you doing a lot of castle searching.

#143

⇓

You bitch.

#144

⇓

He's also allergic to sheep.

#145

⇓

Go on, go on, out.

#146

⇓

Get out, you bastards!

#147

⇓

- Out. - Hello, sir?

#148

⇓

Oh, sorry. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I was...

#149

⇓

Just bashing some rats.

#150

⇓

I get it. It's cool. Don't worry about it.

#151

⇓

I bash a lot of rats in my business, too.

#152

⇓

And rats love cheese, so I imagine you get a lot of 'em here.

#153

⇓

- This is, like, the place for rats. - Yeah.

#154

⇓

Well, how can I help you?

#155

⇓

Uh, right, well, I'm looking for,

#156

⇓

a young man named Shelley Kelly. Is he around?

#157

⇓

I'm Shelley Kelly. Who's asking?

#158

⇓

Oh. I'm sorry...

#159

⇓

I'm looking for a younger man.

#160

⇓

I'm looking for the young Shelley Kelly. Is he around?

#161

⇓

Hey, you mind if I sample some of your jellies?

#162

⇓

Oh, no. Go on. Help yourself.

#163

⇓

Delightful.

#164

⇓

Well, I'm...

#165

⇓

I'm the only Shelley Kelly around here that I know of.

#166

⇓

Mm. Oh.

#167

⇓

This is the tits right here.

#168

⇓

Yeah, no, that... that doesn't make sense.

#169

⇓

See, Shelley Kelly is a kid like me. We're pen pals.

#170

⇓

Sweet Jesus.

#171

⇓

Charlie?

#172

⇓

That's a miss.

#173

⇓

It's got something in it like sand.

#174

⇓

It's full of sand.

#175

⇓

Yeah, I... I'm Charlie.

#176

⇓

I know what it is.

#177

⇓

It's seeds.

#178

⇓

Is there seeds in it?

#179

⇓

And there's too many of 'em.

#180

⇓

There's a lot of seeds.

#181

⇓

Uh... Uh...

#182

⇓

It was a bad one.

#183

⇓

That's buried in there.

#184

⇓

That's gonna be in there all week. Oh, God.

#185

⇓

What'd I miss?

#186

⇓

Hello! Hello... Hello?

#187

⇓

Oh, Father, Father, Father, I've got news.

#188

⇓

I've got wonderful news.

#189

⇓

Okay, so, I used to be Irish,

#190

⇓

and now I'm Dutch.

#191

⇓

Of course, I was badass the entire time, but when you surround yourself

#192

⇓

with people who aren't as badass as you, that tends to be quite isolating.

#193

⇓

The point is, I was confused.

#194

⇓

To be honest with you, I wanted to run through a bunch of pipe,

#195

⇓

if you know what I mean... You know what I mean.

#196

⇓

But then I decided, you know what?

#197

⇓

I only want one man inside of me.

#198

⇓

The Big Man. The Big Man upstairs.

#199

⇓

The only man that can fill me up.

#200

⇓

Well, and his son. And the Holy Spirit.

#201

⇓

I'll take all three of them at once. I've done that before.

#202

⇓

That was more in a physical sense, not a spiritual one.

#203

⇓

And believe me, it was messy.

#204

⇓

Totally worth it, though. I loved it.

#205

⇓

Either way, Father, what I have decided is that

#206

⇓

the most important aspect of my identity,

#207

⇓

it's not being gay.

#208

⇓

It's not being Irish. It's not being badass.

#209

⇓

It's being Catholic.

#210

⇓

Therefore, I want to become

#211

⇓

a Catholic priest!

#212

⇓

- Well, that's nice to hear. - Yeah, yeah.

#213

⇓

But perhaps we could talk at a more appropriate time.

#214

⇓

Oh. Uh...

#215

⇓

Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

#216

⇓

I'll just get in the back of the line, and then, get the cracker,

#217

⇓

and then we'll talk later. Okay.

#218

⇓

Oh, Goddamn it, what the hell is this?

#219

⇓

That realtor screwed us. Probably because you caused a scene.

#220

⇓

What are you talking about, Dee? This place is amazing.

#221

⇓

I mean, I saw an old bell tower outside and what I think used to be a moat.

#222

⇓

Okay, this place is perfect.

#223

⇓

This place is not perfect.

#224

⇓

It's a ruin. We can't sleep here.

#225

⇓

Dee, I'm sure there's, like, a furnished area

#226

⇓

with, like, bedrooms and shit somewhere. I mean,

#227

⇓

what do you want to walk into a castle and have it feel like a Hyatt?

#228

⇓

- I mean, where's the charm in that? - Whoa.

#229

⇓

This place has a dark past.

#230

⇓

Murder, betrayal, beheadings.

#231

⇓

Well, you know, it's a castle, Dee.

#232

⇓

You know, people were going crazy in castles all the time.

#233

⇓

And beheading people, well, that was just

#234

⇓

their way of solving problems back then, you know.

#235

⇓

- That's tenth century charm for you. - Yeah.

#236

⇓

Yeah, this was in 2008.

#237

⇓

Two... What?

#238

⇓

Yeah. A mother went insane and beheaded all four children.

#239

⇓

- Just chopped their heads right off. - Well, that is...

#240

⇓

that's decidedly less charming, isn't it?

#241

⇓

It is. I'm not sleeping here, Dennis. It's very creepy.

#242

⇓

No, Dee. This is gonna be great. Trust me.

#243

⇓

This is gonna be awesome, okay? Just...

#244

⇓

I don't care for all the sheep, though. That's my only thing.

#245

⇓

All... all what sheep?

#246

⇓

- We haven't seen a sheep. - The sheep, the sheep.

#247

⇓

I'm sure they've been passing through...

#248

⇓

They've been passing through the castle?

#249

⇓

Why else would I be coughing and wheezing?

#250

⇓

You have COVID.

#251

⇓

To Charlie, my son.

#252

⇓

To the dad I didn't know I had.

#253

⇓

Well, I'm just sorry that I didn't get a chance to see you growing up.

#254

⇓

Yeah.

#255

⇓

And for what it's worth,

#256

⇓

I did love your mother.

#257

⇓

So did I.

#258

⇓

We all did.

#259

⇓

A wonderful woman.

#260

⇓

I banged her, too.

#261

⇓

All right, well, Mom got around.

#262

⇓

Well, yeah.

#263

⇓

Hey, this is jammed in there.

#264

⇓

What do you call it? What is that? A lingonberry seed or something?

#265

⇓

- The important thing is you're here now. - Yeah.

#266

⇓

And I don't want to waste any more time.

#267

⇓

No, neither do I. I mean, God, I've...

#268

⇓

I've always had so many questions, you know?

#269

⇓

About who I am and where I come from.

#270

⇓

And my...

#271

⇓

My family heritage, and... You know, it's good to have some truth about...

#272

⇓

Will you stop? You're just... You're sucking and slurping away.

#273

⇓

I'm trying to have a conversation

#274

⇓

- with my father. - It's jammed in there.

#275

⇓

I don't care, go to the bathroom...

#276

⇓

- I'm gonna need a jackhammer. - You're using a screw.

#277

⇓

You're embarrassing me in front of my dad here, man.

#278

⇓

Sorry about him.

#279

⇓

Charlie, I'm just glad that you're sitting here now.

#280

⇓

Yeah.

#281

⇓

My boy has found me, and now I'm glad

#282

⇓

Yeah, I get it.

#283

⇓

A dad I didn't know I had

#284

⇓

The first time round is a bitter pill

#285

⇓

But the second chance is better still

#286

⇓

And then we find new seeds to sow

#287

⇓

To grow our love we didn't know

#288

⇓

The Kelly lads, the Kelly boys

#289

⇓

We drink and laugh and make our noise

#290

⇓

We'll sync right up with all our songs

#291

⇓

So come ahead and join along

#292

⇓

Hooray! Hurrah!

#293

⇓

A fiddle-dee-doo, a fiddle-da-da

#294

⇓

The Kelly lads, the Kelly boys

#295

⇓

They drink and laugh and make their noise

#296

⇓

We sync right up with all their songs

#297

⇓

So come ahead and join along

#298

⇓

And I am Frank and I factor in somehow

#299

⇓

- I shouldn't have used a screw. - Jesus, Frank.

#300

⇓

- Oh, I'm gonna... - Go to the bathroom and clean it up.

#301

⇓

- Go, go. You're embarrassing me. - Where's the bathroom?

#302

⇓

Walking this path is a serious commitment.

#303

⇓

One that requires considerable training.

#304

⇓

Father, look, I've been S'ing and F'ing my way through life for far too long.

#305

⇓

I think it's time that I started sucking down the words of the Bible.

#306

⇓

And instead of looking for pieces of ass, I'd just look for peace.

#307

⇓

Well, your language leaves a bit to be desired,

#308

⇓

but your heart's in the right place.

#309

⇓

I think.

#310

⇓

So, to truly understand what this life is like,

#311

⇓

you need to spend some time with someone who's living it.

#312

⇓

Brother Thomas, I'd like you to meet someone.

#313

⇓

And I can't fight this feeling anymore

#314

⇓

I've forgotten what I

#315

⇓

Started fighting for

#316

⇓

It's time to bring this ship into the shore

#317

⇓

And throw away the oars

#318

⇓

Forever

#319

⇓

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

#320

⇓

I've forgotten

#321

⇓

Not him. Give me somebody else.

#322

⇓

- I'm sorry? - Father...

#323

⇓

I'm gonna be alone in the seminary

#324

⇓

with him, in the rectory?

#325

⇓

I mean, these are very triggering words.

#326

⇓

I will S and F him into oblivion.

#327

⇓

I mean, he looks like Paul Bunyan.

#328

⇓

I need more of, like, a... Elmer Fudd. You got any Fudds?

#329

⇓

Let me take a look.

#330

⇓

Yeah. What about this guy? What's his story?

#331

⇓

Gus?

#332

⇓

Gus? Yeah, I ain't falling in love with Gus.

#333

⇓

- Gimme him. - Ah.

#334

⇓

Sure.

#335

⇓

See, Dee? The bedroom's perfect.

#336

⇓

Dude, I think you need a ventilator.

#337

⇓

I just need a good night's sleep.

#338

⇓

Just go to bed.

#339

⇓

Oh, I agree with you, I just...

#340

⇓

Well, I don't know what to do with her.

#341

⇓

- What? - What?

#342

⇓

Who you talking to?

#343

⇓

Nobody. You're hearing things Dee.

#344

⇓

I think what I'm hearing is fluid fill up your lungs.

#345

⇓

Dee, just go to bed.

#346

⇓

Okay.

#347

⇓

It has to be tonight?

#348

⇓

Okay, Dennis, I don't like that.

#349

⇓

I don't like it.

#350

⇓

I'm not even talking to you. I'm talking to the castle.

#351

⇓

You're talking to the castle?

#352

⇓

Is... is it talking back?

#353

⇓

Dee, just go to bed!

#354

⇓

It's the hair, by the way.

#355

⇓

Okay...

#356

⇓

right now, are you talking to me or the castle?

#357

⇓

You.

#358

⇓

We were talking about beheadings earlier.

#359

⇓

It's the hair.

#360

⇓

What's the hair?

#361

⇓

Well, that's the trouble with heads, isn't it?

#362

⇓

The hair's not authentic.

#363

⇓

It's... it's been tampered with.

#364

⇓

That's why there's no smell. It's a... It's a lie.

#365

⇓

The hair is on the head.

#366

⇓

The hair is a lie, and therefore,

#367

⇓

it's better to just remove the head altogether.

#368

⇓

Okay. Okay, Dennis, you're very, very sick,

#369

⇓

- and you need to go to the hospital. - Silence!

#370

⇓

Dee, I can't breathe. I need to go to the hospital.

#371

⇓

Yeah, no shit!

#372

⇓

My God. I'm gonna call us an ambulance

#373

⇓

- and get us out of here. - Yeah.

#374

⇓

No, no, my phone's dead.

#375

⇓

Oh, there's no electricity in this goddamn place.

#376

⇓

Then go get the car and drive me.

#377

⇓

The car's out of gas.

#378

⇓

Then ring the bell!

#379

⇓

What bell?

#380

⇓

Go to the old bell tower and ring the goddamn bell, you bitch!

#381

⇓

Oh, God...

#382

⇓

Um...

#383

⇓

Goddamn it. Where's the stupid bell tower?

#384

⇓

No. No, no, no, no.

#385

⇓

Jesus Christ.

#386

⇓

Oh. Oh.

#387

⇓

Get off me! Get off me!

#388

⇓

Okay...

#389

⇓

Hello?

#390

⇓

Who is that?

#391

⇓

Your head is a lie.

#392

⇓

Dennis? What are you doing?

#393

⇓

You've tampered with it, and...

#394

⇓

we won't stand for it any longer.

#395

⇓

Oh! Dennis, this is just the COVID talking, okay?

#396

⇓

You're hallucinating.

#397

⇓

I don't have COVID.

#398

⇓

No, Dennis, please.

#399

⇓

Please, Dennis, it's me. Snap out of it.

#400

⇓

Off with her head!

#401

⇓

So, that's the house.

#402

⇓

- Oh, this place is charming as shit. - Yeah.

#403

⇓

Dennis would be creaming in his pants if he saw this.

#404

⇓

Right, well, language, Frank,

#405

⇓

you know, 'cause we're guests, so, yeah.

#406

⇓

- Yeah. - It's a lovely home.

#407

⇓

Are you sure okay with us staying the night?

#408

⇓

Oh, I insist. Yeah.

#409

⇓

I have a spare room is down the hall, and, I set up a cot for you there.

#410

⇓

Oh. Well, we'll take the cot.

#411

⇓

You... You'll both sleep on the cot?

#412

⇓

Uh, I think I'd rather take the bedroom, Frank.

#413

⇓

Won't you get lonely in there? What if it gets cold?

#414

⇓

There are plenty of blankets.

#415

⇓

What if I poop the bed? Who's gonna be in there to laugh with me?

#416

⇓

- What? You might shit the bed? - No, no, no.

#417

⇓

If that's the case, I have other sheets.

#418

⇓

- No, no, no, he won't. - One time.

#419

⇓

- It was fun... - There was a one-time incident,

#420

⇓

- It was a fun thing. - and it was a joke,

#421

⇓

and it really wasn't that funny, so...

#422

⇓

- It wasn't? - Uh... No.

#423

⇓

- I thought you thought it was funny. - Nope.

#424

⇓

Well, uh, I'm heading off.

#425

⇓

Yeah. Sounds good.

#426

⇓

- Good night. - Yeah, yeah.

#427

⇓

Hey, um, good night...

#428

⇓

Dad.

#429

⇓

Ah.

#430

⇓

Good night, son.

#431

⇓

- Oh! Seed! I got you. - Yeah?

#432

⇓

I found you, seed. Look at it.

#433

⇓

- I coughed it out. - Yeah. Gross. Yeah.

#434

⇓

Oh.

#435

⇓

I thought you'd be happy for me.

#436

⇓

Uh... Sure, I guess. Sure.

#437

⇓

Oh.

#438

⇓

I should eat it again.

#439

⇓

Then it would be funny 'cause I didn't learn my lesson.

#440

⇓

No, that wouldn't be funny. It'd just be kind of dumb, you know.

#441

⇓

- Oh. - Um...

#442

⇓

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

#443

⇓

- All right. - Yeah.

#444

⇓

- Uh... - So you're gonna stay in the room?

#445

⇓

Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed in here and...

#446

⇓

- I'll stay... - I'll stay on the... All right.

#447

⇓

Good night, Frank.

#448

⇓

Good night, Charlie.

#449

⇓

Good night, Charlie.

#450

⇓

Good night, Charlie.

#451

⇓