Home » South Park » S26E03 — Japanese Toilet

South Park

Season 26, Episode 3 — Japanese Toilet

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

#1

⇓

* I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time *

#2

⇓

* Friendly faces everywhere *

#3

⇓

* Humble folks without temptation *

#4

⇓

* Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind *

#5

⇓

* Ample parking day or night *

#6

⇓

* People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" *

#7

⇓

* Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind *

#8

⇓

* Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! *

#9

⇓

* Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine *

#10

⇓

See, Stan? You gotta choose

#11

⇓

if you wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

#12

⇓

Yeah, can I do it?

#13

⇓

Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.

#14

⇓

Randy.

#15

⇓

Randy!

#16

⇓

The powder room toilet is broken.

#17

⇓

Again!

#18

⇓

Did you jiggle the handle?

#19

⇓

Yes, I jiggled the handle.

#20

⇓

Will you come fix this, please?

#21

⇓

Okay, okay.

#22

⇓

Huh, well, let's see.

#23

⇓

It's gotta be the little black floaty thingie.

#24

⇓

What'd you do to it?

#25

⇓

I didn't do anything.

#26

⇓

Lemme see if there's water in the bowl.

#27

⇓

No! Don't lift the lid.

#28

⇓

Why can't I lift the lid?

#29

⇓

- Don't, Randy! - Uh-huh.

#30

⇓

Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit

#31

⇓

and doesn't want me to see it.

#32

⇓

- Ew! - Gross, Dad!

#33

⇓

Randy! We need to get a new toilet.

#34

⇓

We can't just get rid of ol' blue, Sharon.

#35

⇓

This is embarrassing.

#36

⇓

It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use.

#37

⇓

You get a new toilet, Randy,

#38

⇓

or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore!

#39

⇓

Alright, alright. Sharon, you win.

#40

⇓

As usual.

#41

⇓

Poor ol' Blue.

#42

⇓

Can I help you with anything?

#43

⇓

Oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new toilet to replace Ol' Blue.

#44

⇓

Alright, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl,

#45

⇓

come with full warranty.

#46

⇓

How much you looking to spend?

#47

⇓

Well I'm not poor.

#48

⇓

I happen to have my own weed business.

#49

⇓

So that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right?

#50

⇓

Yeah, that's probably the top model, you know,

#51

⇓

before you start getting into the Japanese toilets.

#52

⇓

Japanese toilets?

#53

⇓

Yeah, they're the sort of the super-high-class

#54

⇓

luxury models with all the bells and whistles.

#55

⇓

But you probably don't wanna spend that kind of money.

#56

⇓

I'm not poor.

#57

⇓

Oh, well, we can show them to you.

#58

⇓

The Japanese toilets are right over there.

#59

⇓

Hi, Rick. This gentleman

#60

⇓

would like to see the Japanese toilets.

#61

⇓

Well, of course, sir. My name is Rick.

#62

⇓

Let me know if there's anything you need.

#63

⇓

These toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features,

#64

⇓

including an automatic bidet system,

#65

⇓

bluetooth capability, and seat warmers.

#66

⇓

Seat warmers?

#67

⇓

Of course.

#68

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And the toilet senses when you've come into the room,

#69

⇓

turns on a small light, plays welcome music,

#70

⇓

and raises the lid for you.

#71

⇓

Can I offer you some sparkling water or champagne?

#72

⇓

Oh, sure, I'll take some champagne.

#73

⇓

All the toilet's functions are operated

#74

⇓

by a touch-button remote which you mount

#75

⇓

where the toilet-paper roll used to go.

#76

⇓

So then where do you keep the toilet paper?

#77

⇓

With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper.

#78

⇓

The toilet washes you completely clean.

#79

⇓

You're mad.

#80

⇓

No, it's true.

#81

⇓

It has warm water and a dryer

#82

⇓

and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can.

#83

⇓

Would you like to take one for a test drive?

#84

⇓

Oh, uh, sure.

#85

⇓

I did have kind of a big breakfast.

#86

⇓

Right over here.

#87

⇓

* Oh, yeah *

#88

⇓

* I, I, I *

#89

⇓

Oh.

#90

⇓

* Oh, yeah *

#91

⇓

Ooh. Oh, oh! Oh.

#92

⇓

Ahhh!

#93

⇓

Oh, oh!

#94

⇓

Ohh! Oh.

#95

⇓

Okay, how much?

#96

⇓

Guys, I wanted to talk to you because I want you all

#97

⇓

to think about how we're viewed as a family.

#98

⇓

You know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful,

#99

⇓

and we're sort of looked up to in this town

#100

⇓

because we have nice things that most families can't afford.

#101

⇓

I mean, Stan, you're playing "Hogwarts Legacy"

#102

⇓

on PS5, right?

#103

⇓

You're playing "Hogwarts Legacy" on a PS5.

#104

⇓

Yeah, my... my point is that most people in town

#105

⇓

don't even have a PS5.

#106

⇓

They still have PS4s,

#107

⇓

and so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park.

#108

⇓

And the plain fact is that well-off families

#109

⇓

have nice things,

#110

⇓

and we shouldn't be ashamed of that.

#111

⇓

Oh, new toilet's here.

#112

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Hajimemashite. Japanese Torei des!

#113

⇓

Uh, yes, thank you. Bring it on in.

#114

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Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori!

#115

⇓

Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori! Kro fun yori!

#116

⇓

That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?

#117

⇓

Oh, Sharon. Tennish.

#118

⇓

What's tennish?

#119

⇓

Tennish.

#120

⇓

Thousandish. Ten thousandish.

#121

⇓

You spent $10,000 on a toilet?!

#122

⇓

We don't have that kind of money, Randy!

#123

⇓

Yeah, we do.

#124

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Shitsurei Shimasu! Owarimashita.

#125

⇓

Okay, yeah, right here? Okay.

#126

⇓

Doomo! Aringanto gozaimashita!

#127

⇓

Aringato gozaimashita!

#128

⇓

K, thanks.

#129

⇓

You are taking that back to the store.

#130

⇓

Try it, Sharon.

#131

⇓

I don't need to, Randy. I want...

#132

⇓

Try it, Sharon!

#133

⇓

* Oh, yeah *

#134

⇓

Oh. Oh.

#135

⇓

* I, I, I *

#136

⇓

Oh! Ohh!

#137

⇓

Ah-ha-ha!

#138

⇓

I wanna try it.

#139

⇓

Shhh!

#140

⇓

Ah-ho-ho!

#141

⇓

Ohh!

#142

⇓

Oh, look, there he goes.

#143

⇓

It's Mr. Big Shot.

#144

⇓

Hey, Richie Rich. You eating caviar

#145

⇓

for lunch today, Richie Rich?

#146

⇓

Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit.

#147

⇓

About what?

#148

⇓

Come on, guys!

#149

⇓

Did you know some people can't even afford to eat?

#150

⇓

How about caring for something that matters, you bitch?

#151

⇓

What the fuck?

#152

⇓

Hey, Stan, you really have to be careful.

#153

⇓

Of what?

#154

⇓

Look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family,

#155

⇓

but people don't like getting their noses rubbed in it.

#156

⇓

Dude, I haven't even said anything!

#157

⇓

Well, your dad called everyone last night

#158

⇓

and told them you have a $10,000 toilet.

#159

⇓

What?!

#160

⇓

Well, thanks for having us over for brunch, Randy.

#161

⇓

Yeah, what's the special occasion?

#162

⇓

Oh, you know, just good times with dear friends.

#163

⇓

Does anyone need to go to the bathroom?

#164

⇓

Uh, no, I'm... I'm good.

#165

⇓

Oh, maybe some more coffee, then.

#166

⇓

Can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten?

#167

⇓

Yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought.

#168

⇓

Let's hope so.

#169

⇓

Does anyone need a bathroom break?

#170

⇓

Well, actually, I-I think I could use the restroom.

#171

⇓

That was kind of a big breakfast.

#172

⇓

Oh! Oh, yeah, sure! It's, uh...

#173

⇓

It's right across the hallway.

#174

⇓

Right there.

#175

⇓

Excuse me.

#176

⇓

Oh.

#177

⇓

What was that?

#178

⇓

Oh, that's the welcome music for my Japanese toilet.

#179

⇓

I've heard of those. Aren't they expensive?

#180

⇓

Yeah, a bit.

#181

⇓

But for those of us who can afford it,

#182

⇓

it's well worth it.

#183

⇓

Oh! Ohhh!

#184

⇓

Ohhhh!

#185

⇓

He's now turned on the rear jet,

#186

⇓

which cleans your bottom with warm water.

#187

⇓

Oh. Ohhh!

#188

⇓

Ah! That's the front washer

#189

⇓

that washes your balls, or vagina.

#190

⇓

If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper

#191

⇓

can't clean you half as well as pressurized water.

#192

⇓

I feel bad that most people have to walk around

#193

⇓

with fecal matter on their anus,

#194

⇓

but I'm just lucky

#195

⇓

I've sold enough weed to be able not to.

#196

⇓

But was it really luck? Or was it hard work?

#197

⇓

Heck, I don't know, but you know...

#198

⇓

Dad, can I talk to you?!

#199

⇓

Stan? You're back from school already?

#200

⇓

I need to talk to you right now!

#201

⇓

The fuck are you doing?!

#202

⇓

Fuck are you doing?

#203

⇓

You need to stop gloating to everybody!

#204

⇓

I am not gloating.

#205

⇓

Yes, you are, and now kids at school

#206

⇓

are calling me Richie Rich!

#207

⇓

They are?

#208

⇓

Nobody cares about your stupid toilet

#209

⇓

- and you're acting like a jerk. - You're stupid.

#210

⇓

I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?!

#211

⇓

How are you trying to help people, Dad?

#212

⇓

Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome,

#213

⇓

and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy

#214

⇓

who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.

#215

⇓

You are not like JFK!

#216

⇓

You're just showing off!

#217

⇓

Nu-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things!

#218

⇓

You're part of a very respected family, Stan.

#219

⇓

You should start acting like it.

#220

⇓

Okay, who's next?

#221

⇓

* Oh, yeah *

#222

⇓

* I, I, I *

#223

⇓

* Atashi wa Heia des-u *

#224

⇓

* Toire ni iru kara *

#225

⇓

- Randy? - * Kimochi I I *

#226

⇓

- Randy! - What?!

#227

⇓

Your proctologist is here to see you.

#228

⇓

My proctologist?

#229

⇓

Oh, hey there, Doc.

#230

⇓

Well, Randy Marsh, how are ya?

#231

⇓

I'm doing great. How are you?

#232

⇓

Wonderful! Just been super busy.

#233

⇓

I'm actually takin' the wife to Tuscany day after tomorrow.

#234

⇓

Tuscany? Wow. Awesome.

#235

⇓

Yeah, well, Randy you haven't been in my office

#236

⇓

for a few days, so I thought I'd come

#237

⇓

do a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids.

#238

⇓

Oh! No, Doctor.

#239

⇓

I haven't needed to come to your office.

#240

⇓

In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore

#241

⇓

since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.

#242

⇓

Oh... Oh, really?

#243

⇓

It's completely changed my life.

#244

⇓

I'm healthier, I'm less stressed,

#245

⇓

and I don't get hemorrhoids 'cause I'm not smearing shit

#246

⇓

all over my ass with toilet paper.

#247

⇓

Huh.

#248

⇓

Here, here. You wanna come see it?!

#249

⇓

Go on, check it out.

#250

⇓

D-Dr. Sheltair?

#251

⇓

Dr. Sheltair?!

#252

⇓

You stupid!

#253

⇓

You ruined Tuscany! Gah!

#254

⇓

- Stop it! - I hate you!

#255

⇓

I hate you! I hate you!

#256

⇓

Go on! Get out of here!

#257

⇓

How am I supposed to tell my wife

#258

⇓

we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?!

#259

⇓

I never realized you made so much money off my ass.

#260

⇓

Go on. Get.

#261

⇓

Get!

#262

⇓

Hey, Stan! Stan hold up!

#263

⇓

What?

#264

⇓

Well, um, you're just a really good friend, Stan,

#265

⇓

and... and I was gonna ask if maybe

#266

⇓

I could borrow your plungercost?

#267

⇓

What's a plungercost?

#268

⇓

It doesn't cost nothing when your toilet's nice as yours, Richie Rich!

#269

⇓

I did it! I called Stan Richie Rich, too!

#270

⇓

That was fun!

#271

⇓

Stan, you've got to stop bragging about your toilet.

#272

⇓

I'm not bragging about my toilet!

#273

⇓

And why is it such a big deal anyway?

#274

⇓

It's a big deal, Stan. You just don't understand why.

#275

⇓

Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper?

#276

⇓

We're told to wash our hands... wear masks in crowds...

#277

⇓

but for some reason, when it comes to wiping our ass,

#278

⇓

we're told to do it with this little piece of paper.

#279

⇓

We are all... all of us... Walking around right now

#280

⇓

with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes.

#281

⇓

Did you know that 70% of people in the world

#282

⇓

don't even use it at all?

#283

⇓

70% of the world doesn't use toilet paper?

#284

⇓

Look it up.

#285

⇓

Most people in the world still use good ol' soap and water.

#286

⇓

The average American uses 140 rolls

#287

⇓

of toilet paper per year.

#288

⇓

Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is?

#289

⇓

To supply the United States its toilet paper,

#290

⇓

it takes 31.1 million trees per year.

#291

⇓

A million acres per year of precious

#292

⇓

Canadian Boreal forest alone,

#293

⇓

releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of CO2

#294

⇓

and leveling 90% of the land barren.

#295

⇓

So, then, why do Americans use it so much?

#296

⇓

Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

#297

⇓

None of it makes any sense.

#298

⇓

- Well, then, maybe somebody... - Just tell your dad to stop.

#299

⇓

Americans don't want to change their toilets

#300

⇓

and they never will.

#301

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a public service announcement.

#302

⇓

One of our citizens has asked to speak with you.

#303

⇓

Please welcome Mr. Randy S. Marsh.

#304

⇓

Thank you, Mayor. Thank you, everyone.

#305

⇓

You know, the Marshes are a family that try to always

#306

⇓

lead by example.

#307

⇓

And we know that all of you appreciate that.

#308

⇓

Everyone deserves to be clean, and the truth is, you can be.

#309

⇓

You might not be the Marshes,

#310

⇓

but you can afford a Japanese toilet.

#311

⇓

Just not a really nice one like what we have.

#312

⇓

If you take into account the money

#313

⇓

we all spend on toilet paper, doctors, and hemorrhoid cream,

#314

⇓

a Japanese toilet pays for itself in just a few years.

#315

⇓

There are actually Japanese toilets made for commoners.

#316

⇓

Walmart and Amazon all carry the lower

#317

⇓

cost of shitty Japanese toilets that anyone can afford.

#318

⇓

There's even these like attachment thingies

#319

⇓

for your existing toilet

#320

⇓

which will make you feel like a Marsh yourself.

#321

⇓

They may not be Nihon No style-ru,

#322

⇓

but they are good enough for you guys.

#323

⇓

The point is... even commoners don't need toilet paper anymore!

#324

⇓

And, so, I am suggesting that this town puts all...

#325

⇓

Holy shit!

#326

⇓

Randy?! Wah!

#327

⇓

I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.

#328

⇓

Who shot him?

#329

⇓

Nobody knows.

#330

⇓

Is he gonna be okay?

#331

⇓

He's in a coma.

#332

⇓

He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.

#333

⇓

Bikkuri... Bikkurishita... Taiehn deshou...

#334

⇓

Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here.

#335

⇓

Your wife, your daughter, and your son.

#336

⇓

T-Toire Wa?

#337

⇓

No, your toilet is back at the farm.

#338

⇓

Taihen ja naaaa...

#339

⇓

Dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you before.

#340

⇓

I didn't know you were really trying to help.

#341

⇓

Kon-nichi waaa...

#342

⇓

- Stan, where are you going? - I let dad down once.

#343

⇓

Somebody has to pick up where he left off.

#344

⇓

I promise we're doing all we can.

#345

⇓

I'm sorry for what happened,

#346

⇓

but you need to leave it to the professionals.

#347

⇓

There's something more going on here.

#348

⇓

I think my dad was on to something and I

#349

⇓

didn't listen to him, and now he's in a hospital.

#350

⇓

We've already got a few leads

#351

⇓

and we're following up on all of them.

#352

⇓

I assure you we take this all very seriously.

#353

⇓

This isn't a joke to us.

#354

⇓

- Chief, hey, Chief! - Yeah?

#355

⇓

An angry proctologist walked in

#356

⇓

to the toilet section of Home Depot.

#357

⇓

Y-Yeah?

#358

⇓

Proctologist says to the toilet manager,

#359

⇓

"I ain't taking the fall," and pulls a gun

#360

⇓

on six Japanese delivery men.

#361

⇓

Okay.

#362

⇓

So, then, the six Japanese delivery men show up,

#363

⇓

and the proctologist has everyone held hostage

#364

⇓

and says he's not taking the fall

#365

⇓

for the Randy Marsh shooting.

#366

⇓

Oh, shit, this is actually happening?!

#367

⇓

Come on, people, let's go!

#368

⇓

I ain't going down for this!

#369

⇓

You got that, coppers?! I didn't shoot anybody!

#370

⇓

But if I'm going down,

#371

⇓

I'll take these careless bastards out with me!

#372

⇓

Would you like some sparkling water or champagne...

#373

⇓

Get... Get outta here!

#374

⇓

Come on out.

#375

⇓

There's no other way, we have you surrounded.

#376

⇓

I didn't shoot Randy Marsh!

#377

⇓

- Taihen! - Nobody's saying you did!

#378

⇓

No, but they're gonna use me as their scapegoat!

#379

⇓

They'll fix things like they always do!

#380

⇓

- Who will? - They'll use their lawyers

#381

⇓

and their power to make it all go away!

#382

⇓

Just like they did back when that 2nd grade kid

#383

⇓

wrote a story in the school paper about toilets

#384

⇓

two years ago!

#385

⇓

They'll take me out, too!

#386

⇓

There's no stopping them!

#387

⇓

Don't do it!

#388

⇓

Sabishiiiii!

#389

⇓

Aww! Alright move in!

#390

⇓

Secure the area.

#391

⇓

2nd grade kid two years ago...

#392

⇓

Wrote about toilets in the school news paper.

#393

⇓

You weren't warning me about people getting upset.

#394

⇓

You know more about this.

#395

⇓

Hey!

#396

⇓

You wrote a story in the school paper

#397

⇓

and someone came after you!

#398

⇓

Yeah I wrote a story, big deal!

#399

⇓

Jimmy, I want to know who shot my dad!

#400

⇓

They took everything from me, Stan.

#401

⇓

My bike... my cat...

#402

⇓

They were gonna sue my parents

#403

⇓

for what I wrote in the school paper.

#404

⇓

You're talking about the toilet paper companies.

#405

⇓

Who has the most to lose? It's all toilet paper, Stan!

#406

⇓

Follow the money! 140 rolls per American per year.

#407

⇓

Factories pushing out roll after roll

#408

⇓

while razing Earth's resources.

#409

⇓

All of this for an unsanitary product

#410

⇓

that has been proven to contribute to anal fissures.

#411

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Don't you get it, man?

#412

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Paper doesn't clean bacteria. It can't stop viruses.

#413

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With all that information,

#414

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you'd think the world health organization

#415

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would do studies to find alternatives.

#416

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So why don't they?

#417

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Because toilet paper is an industry worth

#418

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billions and b-billions of dollars.

#419

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Kimberly-Clark, Georgia-Pacific, Procter & Gamble.

#420

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They don't want Japanese toilets in America

#421

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and they have the power to stop them,

#422

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and to stop you.

#423

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I can't believe they shot my dad...

#424

⇓

because he wanted to change things.

#425

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These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine.

#426

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They can destroy everything you love, Stan.

#427

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Take my advice...

#428

⇓

Don't. Squeeze. The Charmin.

#429

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You might be too scared Jimmy, but I'm a Marsh.

#430

⇓

My fellow Americans...

#431

⇓

we have been coerced and brain washed.

#432

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While the rest of the world walks around

#433

⇓

with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry paper

#434

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sold to us by billion-dollar corporations.

#435

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- Yeah. - Hey, yeah, he's right!

#436

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My father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives.

#437

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But they don't want him talking about alternatives!

#438

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Yeah!

#439

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And we can't be blindly buying their products anymore.

#440

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And as a town, we will find alternatives,

#441

⇓

and we will not be afraid to...

#442

⇓

Stop! Stop! We're not doing this!

#443

⇓

- Dad! - Everyone just stop,

#444

⇓

we're not doing this.

#445

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Thank you. South Park, uh, we-we're cutting this short.

#446

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I was totally wrong and I want to apologize.

#447

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No, dad, it's the toilet paper companies

#448

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- that are behind all the... - Yeah, I know.

#449

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Yeah, so, uh, w-we have nothing against toilet paper.

#450

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It's a great product and, uh,

#451

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it was childish of me to make fun of it.

#452

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Thanks, though. We'll see ya later.

#453

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Dad, we can't just back down.

#454

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Bro! I got fucking shot!

#455

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Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary,

#456

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and, uh, in case anyone else is listening,

#457

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I think all of South Park would like to apologize.

#458

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We retract what we said about toilet paper companies.

#459

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They... They have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry.

#460

⇓

South Park... everyone... Say you're sorry.

#461

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We're sorry.

#462

⇓

Okay, great. Come on, guys, let's go home.

#463

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What about helping people and leading by example?

#464

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We're not the Goddamn Kennedys, Stan.

#465

⇓

Stop being an idiot.

#466

⇓

Nice to have you back, Ol' Blue.

#467

⇓

You know, guys, I'm actually not that sad.

#468

⇓

Having a Japanese toilet was great, but...

#469

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I've come to realize that,

#470

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when you have some big, nice luxury thing,

#471

⇓

it eventually just becomes normal.

#472

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But you start comparing it to all the other things

#473

⇓

in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too.

#474

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So, it's really best to just

#475

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stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have.

#476

⇓

Love you forever, Honey.

#477

⇓

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

#478

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