Home » South Park » S26E02 — The Worldwide Privacy Tour

South Park

Season 26, Episode 2 — The Worldwide Privacy Tour

* I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time *

#1

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* Friendly faces everywhere *

#2

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* Humble folks without temptation *

#3

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* Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind *

#4

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* Ample parking day or night *

#5

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* People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" *

#6

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* Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind *

#7

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* Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! *

#8

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* Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine *

#9

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Today is a tragic day for Canada.

#10

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Thousands of Canadians have gathered to mourn

#11

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the passing of their beloved mother.

#12

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The Queen is dead.

#13

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The Queen is dead *

#14

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Every Canadian everywhere

#15

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is feeling absolute emptiness right now.

#16

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Oh, God, she's dead *

#17

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And now the casket is brought down the aisle

#18

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with the Queen inside.

#19

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The Queen's body being carried by the royal guard.

#20

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What a horrible day for Canada and therefore the world.

#21

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Not the Queen *

#22

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She is dead *

#23

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Ike, the Queen died like four months ago.

#24

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You gotta let it go.

#25

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And here comes Canada's most beloved musician,

#26

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Sir Smelly John.

#27

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Yes, Smelly John is sitting down at the piano

#28

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with a tribute for the Queen, I believe.

#29

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* Goodbye, queefy Queen *

#30

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* Seems as though you've queefed your last queef *

#31

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it's my turn to use the computer.

#32

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Ike, me and my friends are playing "Darktide" right now.

#33

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Get off! Fuck you, Kyle!

#34

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Oh, and now people are starting to stare angrily.

#35

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Y-Yes, it looks like the Prince and his new wife

#36

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have just shown up.

#37

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The Prince and his wife have, of course,

#38

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been bashing the Canadian monarchy.

#39

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A lot of Canadians hate them now.

#40

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Oh, and I belive the Earl of Halifax

#41

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has just farted on the Prince's wife's face!

#42

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The Prince seems to have taken offense to this.

#43

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Oh, this is bad now.

#44

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Ike, I'm playing "Darktide" with my friends.

#45

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No, get off me!

#46

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Hey, guys.

#47

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Kyle, dude, where were you last night?

#48

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Yeah, we were all waiting.

#49

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I haven't been showing up for things, but...

#50

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but I got screwed by my little brother.

#51

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He just keeps crying about the Queen.

#52

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And then there's this Prince and his wife

#53

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and they're bashing the Canadian monarchy.

#54

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I guess it's like people don't even know

#55

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why they showed up to the funeral

#56

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But, anyway, I'm really sorry I ruined game time for everyone.

#57

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You didn't ruin it for anyone. We played without you.

#58

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What? Y-You guys, we... we said we'd all level up together.

#59

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Well, yeah, we're all like level 12 now.

#60

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We got some sweet drip, dude.

#61

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Mrph rmhmhm rm!

#62

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But this isn't fair, it wasn't my fault.

#63

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Hey, guys. Did you get to upgrade your rifle, Stan?

#64

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Yeah, it's got a lot better range now.

#65

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What about you?

#66

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I kept the same gun, but I got some sweet drip.

#67

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Nice, sweet drip, dude.

#68

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It stinks, doesn't it?

#69

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What stinks?

#70

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When people make certain judgements about you.

#71

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I've been watching you, Kyle,

#72

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and I can see you're having some problems with your brand.

#73

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My brand?

#74

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Some kids call it your credibility

#75

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or your reputation,

#76

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but those things are just little parts

#77

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of something much more important...

#78

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your brand.

#79

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Think about it, Kyle.

#80

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Who are you?

#81

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I'm just... I-I'm just me.

#82

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See? You don't know what your brand is.

#83

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So how is anyone else supposed to know?

#84

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It's like a commercial for Kyle,

#85

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but you're not putting a label on the jar.

#86

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Butters, this seems very out of character for you.

#87

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That's because I've been workin' on my brand.

#88

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My parents saw that my brand wasn't working with people

#89

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so they sent me to brand management.

#90

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Brand management?

#91

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Hi, Mr. Davis.

#92

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Well, Butters Stotch. How you doing there, Butters?

#93

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How's the brand going?

#94

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I made two new friends, and a girl asked me

#95

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to help her with her homework.

#96

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Well, there ya go there, Butters.

#97

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My friend Kyle here was thinking of reworking his brand a bit,

#98

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and I told him maybe you could help.

#99

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Oh, well, sure there, Kyle,

#100

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let's just get you to fill out a CumHammer survey,

#101

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and then we'll go in the back

#102

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and come up with some options for ya.

#103

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it's "Good Morning, Canada."

#104

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It has been several months now

#105

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since our beloved Queen has died.

#106

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All Canadians are finding it hard to go on.

#107

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All Canadians, that is, except for our first guests,

#108

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The Prince and his wife.

#109

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We want privacy! We want privacy!

#110

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Thanks for having us on the show.

#111

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It's so awesome to be here. It's great.

#112

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So let me start with you, sir.

#113

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You lived a life with the royal family,

#114

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you had everything handed to you

#115

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but you say your life has been hard,

#116

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and you've written all aboot it in your new book, "Waaagh."

#117

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Yes that's right, fwiend.

#118

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You see, my wife and I are...

#119

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I was totally like, "You should write a book

#120

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'cause you're family's, like, stupid,

#121

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and then so are, like, journalists."

#122

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So you hate journalists?

#123

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That's right.

#124

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that reports on the lives of the royal family.

#125

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Right.

#126

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So you're a journalist.

#127

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We just want to be normal people.

#128

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All this attention is so hard.

#129

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Isn't it true, sir, that your questionable wife

#130

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has her own TV show and hangs out with celebrities

#131

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and does fashion magazines?

#132

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What are you suggesting?

#133

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Well, I just think some people might say

#134

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that your Instagram-loving bitch wife

#135

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actually doesn't want her privacy.

#136

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How dare you, sir!

#137

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My Instagram-loving bitch wife has always wanted her privacy!

#138

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And you know what else? To hell with Canada.

#139

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We are leaving.

#140

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We'll go find some quiet place

#141

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where we can be normal people.

#142

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Come on, wife.

#143

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We want privacy! We want privacy!

#144

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* Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on *

#145

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* It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour *

#146

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* Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on *

#147

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We want privacy! We want privacy!

#148

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* It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour *

#149

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* Come on, come on, come on *

#150

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* 'Cause we want some privacy *

#151

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* It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour *

#152

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* Come on, come on, come on *

#153

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* Because we need some privacy *

#154

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* It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour *

#155

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We want privacy! We want privacy!

#156

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* The Worldwide Privacy Tour is coming soon to your town *

#157

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* We're coming soon to your town, give us privacy *

#158

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We want privacy! We want privacy!

#159

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* Come on, come on, come on *

#160

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* It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour *

#161

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* Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on *

#162

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* It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour *

#163

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* Come on, come on, come on *

#164

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* 'Cause we want some privacy *

#165

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* It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour *

#166

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* Come on, come on, come on *

#167

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* Because we need some privacy *

#168

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Alright there, Kyle, we got your survey answers,

#169

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and I think we've put together some great ideas for your brand.

#170

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I understand you want people to like you more

#171

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and think you're cool.

#172

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Is that right?

#173

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Alright, well, let's see how this brand works for you.

#174

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We got... Kyle... Rugged. Vegan. Compassionate. Victim.

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I... I don't think that's really me.

#176

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Well, that's fine 'cause there's a lot of different

#177

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brands people are attracted to. How about this one?

#178

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Kyle... Sensitive. Outdoorsy. Frugal. Victim.

#179

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I'm not... I'm not that outdoorsy.

#180

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Okay, well, remember there, Kyle,

#181

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it's not so much about who you are as much as it is

#182

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about what people are attracted to, okay?

#183

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So let's see, how about this?

#184

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Kyle... Wealthy. Handsome.

#185

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Multi-talented Grammy Award-Winning. Victim.

#186

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Oh, that... that one's taken already.

#187

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Sorry. Hold on.

#188

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Just a minute, Kyle.

#189

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We're gonna find a good one here for you.

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You'll see, Kyle.

#191

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When you have your brand up and runnin,'

#192

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no one can stop you.

#193

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Look at this town. There's just something about it.

#194

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Oh, darling. I think this might be the place.

#195

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You really think so?

#196

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It's so quiet and empty here.

#197

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If we moved here, then people would think

#198

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we're really serious about wanting to be normal.

#199

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It does seem perfect, doesn't it?

#200

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We can have a fresh start here.

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Lead a normal life and have babies.

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Can we? Can we really move here and finally have our privacy?

#203

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My love, I will do anything for your privacy.

#204

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The couch goes in the first room!

#205

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Ay, be careful with that TV, buddy!

#206

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Drum set goes on the second floor.

#207

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Wait. Put it down.

#208

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I want to make sure it isn't damaged.

#209

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What the hell?

#210

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Hey! Hey, you!

#211

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Hey, what are you looking at?!

#212

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You ever heard of privacy?!

#213

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What?

#214

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You guys, I am so sorry.

#215

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I totally was going to play with you guys online

#216

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but the Prince of Canada and his wife

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moved in across the street from me.

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They have this huge jet parked in front of my house

#219

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and then they kept trying to get me to buy their stupid book

#220

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and... and, anyway, I'm sorry I messed up another game night.

#221

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It's okay, dude, we had a great time.

#222

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Yeah, we are literally dripping with drip.

#223

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Well, I just want you guys to know

#224

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that I am a reliable, fun-loving, punctual victim.

#225

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'Kay, well, we gotta get to class.

#226

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I'm really working on myself!

#227

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You're gonna like what you see!

#228

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As a child, you see the world in a different way.

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You see the wonder in nature, and you're starting to learn

#230

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more about yourself all the time.

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And you're learning that there's something more important

#232

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than you ever thought... your brand.

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It's what defines you.

#234

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And with brand management, you can make sure

#235

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others see you the way they want to see you.

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Welcome to your CumHammer Work tutorial.

#237

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You are taking the first steps to making your brand

#238

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a great one.

#239

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By now you've received your workbook

#240

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and also your brand slide tool

#241

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and CumHammer social-media drive

#242

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which will be used in this video.

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Now, if you're ready, let's start the exercises

#244

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on page five of your workbook.

#245

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Yeah!

#246

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Respect our privacy!

#247

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Leave us alone!

#248

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Down with the monarchy!

#249

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We just want our privacy!

#250

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God, fuck these people!

#251

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Why are we so mad today?

#252

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Because we want our privacy!

#253

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Park County Police Station. What's your emergency?

#254

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Yeah, the neighbors across the street are setting off fireworks

#255

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and it's 10:30 at night!

#256

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Oh, is it the Prince of Canada and his wife,

#257

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who just want to be left alone?

#258

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Yes.

#259

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They're being super loud, and I'm trying to work on my brand!

#260

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Oh, God damn it.

#261

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Now the prince is playing polo on the lawn!

#262

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We are here because privacy is a basic human right.

#263

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How many more princes and his wives

#264

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have to live in this nightmare?

#265

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Hey, can you two fucking keep it down?!

#266

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Oy!

#267

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You ever heard of a thing called "privacy"?!

#268

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Yeah, nobody gives a shit.

#269

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Will you two just shut up, and go away?!

#270

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It seriously is driving me crazy!

#271

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The prince plays drums all day. I don't think he even has a job.

#272

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And I don't know what the hell she does.

#273

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Why they even left Canada is beyond me.

#274

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And, like, she seems to just boss him around,

#275

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and make him do whatever she wants.

#276

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I mean, why did they even leave Canada

#277

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and move to South Park, anyway?

#278

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Stan, are you gonna say something?

#279

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You say it.

#280

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Say what?

#281

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Look, Kyle...

#282

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We just kinda don't care about some dumb prince

#283

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and his stupid wife.

#284

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I don't care about them either!

#285

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So, then why do you talk about them all the time?

#286

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Dude, we're just kind of sick of hearing about them.

#287

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I'm sick of hearing about them!

#288

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But I can't get away from them!

#289

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They're everywhere! In my fucking face!

#290

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Yeah, and now you're putting 'em in our fucking face.

#291

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Fine, I won't talk about them anymore.

#292

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Thank you.

#293

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Okay, just one last thing... did you know the prince sleeps-

#294

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

#295

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The problem with you is you want results without the work.

#296

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You can't just say you're a certain thing,

#297

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and then expect people to just like your brand.

#298

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You gotta work it, sell people on it.

#299

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But I just don't feel like my brand

#300

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is who I really am on the inside.

#301

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You know, Kyle, some people think

#302

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it's what's inside you that matters.

#303

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But people can't see inside you.

#304

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They can only see what kind of drink you're drinking.

#305

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That's what matters.

#306

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I guess so.

#307

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Now, I'm gonna help you with a new brand,

#308

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but you've got to work on it.

#309

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What do you want your friends to think about you?

#310

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I want them to think I'm not gonna complain about things,

#311

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I'm more thick-skinned.

#312

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Okay. This is good. This is good.

#313

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And I want people to think I'm stronger, mentally,

#314

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than I probably am.

#315

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Okay. Okay. I think we got it.

#316

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People are gonna love this.

#317

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Kyle... he's a thick-skinned, super cool,

#318

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nothing bothers him victim.

#319

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I just don't know if I can...

#320

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You're goin' off brand already!

#321

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Remember, no matter what, nothing bothers you.

#322

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I don't care. Don't care.

#323

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What the hell? What'd he just say?

#324

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He victimized me!

#325

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It's because I'm an ethnic woman!

#326

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He can't do that! I'll see...

#327

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Wait, you're ethnic? This is an outrage!

#328

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We'll just see how he deals with my blue penis!

#329

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Hey!

#330

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Have some respect for this privacy!

#331

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Don't worry, my love,

#332

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he's not gonna get away with this.

#333

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Hey, guys! How you doin?!

#334

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Good. How are you?

#335

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I'm great. Got some good sleep last night.

#336

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Just letting' things roll right off my back, you know?

#337

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'Cause that's the kind of guy I am.

#338

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Cool.

#339

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Hey, do you guys wanna play Darktide after school?

#340

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Or if not, whatever. I'm cool either way.

#341

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Yeah, I'm sure we can figure that out.

#342

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Cool. Whatever. I'm care-free and unflappable.

#343

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I'll catch you guys at lunch!

#344

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Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.

#345

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Do you like it?

#346

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Uh, Sure.

#347

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Thanks, Jimmy.

#348

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But you know, I really need to thank a good friend.

#349

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He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person.

#350

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Have you seen Butters?

#351

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Butters? Oh, sure.

#352

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He's out on the playground,

#353

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getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.

#354

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What?

#355

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Mother! Fucker!

#356

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Don't ever say that shit again!

#357

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Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#358

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What the hell is going on?!

#359

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I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up,

#360

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and started talking shit to me!

#361

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Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive,

#362

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so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.

#363

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Who do you even think you are?!

#364

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You want some more of this, you dumb slut?

#365

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Butters, what are you doing?

#366

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This isn't you.

#367

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Hey, Kyle, will you relax.

#368

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You're kind of fucking up my brand.

#369

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Okay, that does it... come on, Butters.

#370

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You're going back to CumHammer.

#371

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You're lucky he saved your ass!

#372

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Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

#373

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The most important thing about your brand is being flexible.

#374

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We want to make sure you're completely satisfied.

#375

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You say you're having some problems?

#376

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That's right!

#377

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There's this horrible spy

#378

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who lives across the street from us,

#379

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and we're gonna get him back by changing our brand!

#380

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All right.

#381

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And I do see you're in our database,

#382

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but you didn't first get help at this CumHammer location?

#383

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No.

#384

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My wife went to one in California as a child.

#385

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Ah. Okay.

#386

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Then you must be in the national system.

#387

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Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this you?

#388

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"Sorority girl, Actress, Influencer, Victim."

#389

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Yeah. That's totally me.

#390

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Okay. I see.

#391

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And then, you added your husband

#392

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to your Friends and Family account.

#393

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You must be the "Royal prince, millionaire,

#394

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world traveler, victim."

#395

⇓

That's right.

#396

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Come on, Butters.

#397

⇓

Hello?

#398

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Oh, hey there. Just gimme a minute.

#399

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I'm with some other clients right now, there, Kyle.

#400

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Uh, no. This is an emergency.

#401

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We need to talk to...

#402

⇓

Oy! Do you mind! Stop invading...

#403

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It's him!

#404

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What the hell are you doing here?

#405

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You just can't leave us alone, can you!

#406

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Oh, my God, he's so obsessed with us.

#407

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I'm not obsessed with you.

#408

⇓

It's this stupid place!

#409

⇓

Don't you see, Butters?

#410

⇓

Teaching people to think of their brand

#411

⇓

just makes more people like them.

#412

⇓

This whole thing is wrong.

#413

⇓

They're telling you guys to reduce yourselves into products

#414

⇓

instead of people to be truly understood and loved.

#415

⇓

Don't you guys want people to like you for you

#416

⇓

instead of who they want you to be?

#417

⇓

Look, we all have our faults. God knows I do.

#418

⇓

But if we just try to present and control an image of us

#419

⇓

for people to see, then, we're just performers

#420

⇓

instead of human beings.

#421

⇓

He's right.

#422

⇓

Trying to make ourselves into a brand

#423

⇓

just turned us into products.

#424

⇓

We don't need to be a brand, do we?

#425

⇓

If it's truly what we want,

#426

⇓

then we really can get away from it all.

#427

⇓

No more magazines and Netflix shows.

#428

⇓

We really can live a normal life.

#429

⇓

Yes, I'm sure you agree, darling.

#430

⇓

We can be the people we talked about being,

#431

⇓

with no more worries about how we look

#432

⇓

or the image we project to people.

#433

⇓

What matters is what we have on the inside.

#434

⇓

Hello?

#435

⇓

Come on, Butters. Time to go home.

#436

⇓

Yeah.

#437

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#438

⇓

Now, hey.

#439

⇓

Don't make a decision you might all regret.

#440

⇓

Yeah, come on, honey. We don't need this place.

#441

⇓

Honey?

#442

⇓

The queen is dead.

#443

⇓

What a sad day for Canada... and therefore, the world.

#444

⇓

Ike, I need to use the...

#445

⇓

Oh no, not again.

#446

⇓

She's still dead.

#447

⇓

Ike, I have to get on the computer.

#448

⇓

The Queen's been dead a long time.

#449

⇓

Ike, I have to get on with my friends!

#450

⇓

If I don't, they're gonna think I'm...

#451

⇓

It's okay.

#452

⇓

Things get to you.

#453

⇓

It's who you are.

#454

⇓

Oh. Hey, guys.

#455

⇓

Hey, dude. Uh...

#456

⇓

We thought maybe you could do with a little outside time.

#457

⇓

Really?

#458

⇓

We just thought it'd be good to get you out of the house.

#459

⇓

You seem to bee going through a lot lately.

#460

⇓

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

#461

⇓

Thanks, guys. I'd love to play.

#462

⇓

Oy! Oy!

#463

⇓

Could, uh...

#464

⇓

Could I play?

#465

⇓

Sure. You can play.

#466

⇓

Great!

#467

⇓