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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E04 — The Gang Replaces Dee With a Monkey

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 4 — The Gang Replaces Dee With a Monkey

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Replaces Dee with a Monkey

Air date: December 08, 2021

Director: Todd Biermann

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

When the Gang suspects Dee is menopausal, they scramble to find a new employee for Paddy's Pub. Dee decides to put her acting career on hold in order to mentor young actors.

Source: TMDB

↓

No.

↓

No, no. This can't be happening.

↓

I-I-I'm too young.

young

↓

No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.

change

↓

I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.

change

↓

It's always so goddamn hot.

goddamn

↓

Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.

crack door someones window

↓

It's all happening too fast.

fast

↓

I had plans, and they were perfect plans.

perfect plans

↓

This is just all too soon!

↓

What the hell was that about?

↓

I'll tell you what that was about. Menopause.

menopause

↓

- What? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

↓

- Menopause? - Oh, for real?

menopause real

↓

I went through the same thing with Barbara.

barbara

↓

Overnight, she became completely irrational

became completely irrational overnight

↓

with the hot flashes and the mood swings.

mood swings

↓

And the paranoia, oh, that was the worst.

paranoia worst

↓

Always accusing me of having affairs.

accusing affairs having having-affairs

↓

Hmm. Right. But you were having affairs.

affairs having having-affairs

↓

Yeah, but it was a real headache, and you can't have that around here.

headache real

↓

I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,

taken

↓

you know, I slept with Dee that one time, but, like,

slept

↓

I'm, like, sick of looking at her.

looking sick

↓

- I, too. - You know? Is it just me?

↓

- No. - Okay.

↓

- No. - No.

↓

- It's not just you. - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not trying

↓

to be mean, it's not personal.

personal

↓

You're just being honest about how you feel.

honest

↓

- Yeah. - Also, there's a smell.

smell

↓

- Okay. - There's a smell, yeah.

smell

↓

And a lot of women have this,

women

↓

and it makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't want to be around it,

makes sick stomach

↓

and I think that's what you're saying.

↓

Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,

noticed smell

↓

but, no, I'm just saying, like...

↓

I feel a lot of tension in the workplace 'cause we slept together, you know?

slept tension workplace

↓

Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.

called environment hostile legally

↓

Okay, I can see that.

↓

We can legally fire her

fire legally

↓

and bring in whichever man we want.

bring whichever

↓

Oh, okay.

↓

I see... I see where you're going with that.

↓

Yeah, he's got an agenda. But either way,

agenda

↓

it-it doesn't matter. The point is,

matter point

↓

what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,

replacing

↓

and I think it's a great idea. I think, I think it's long overdue.

idea overdue

↓

Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,

another another-woman bring woman

↓

can we at least make sure she's competent?

competent least

↓

Competent?

competent

↓

A monkey could do Dee's job.

dees monkey

↓

A monkey could.

monkey

↓

Terrific. Thanks for coming in.

coming terrific thanks

↓

- All right. - Move. Move.

↓

Not gonna get it. No. Give me a break. Move.

break

↓

- What is... - You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.

jeffrey

↓

You listen to me.

↓

Because I have been listening to you for long enough.

listening

↓

- I'm sorry... Who are you? - No, no, no.

↓

This can't be happening. This can't be happening, I'm too young.

young

↓

Why are you doing this to me? Why? I-I... No. I don't want to change.

change

↓

Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.

cassandra straight thinking

↓

- You have to-- - Oh, God, it's so hot.

↓

Why is it always so goddamn hot? Somebody ought to crack a window.

crack goddamn ought somebody window

↓

No, I-I-I need more time. I had it all planned out.

planned

↓

It was perfect, and this is just too soon!

perfect

↓

Oh, God!

↓

And that's the scene.

scene

↓

Yes, I'm aware.

aware

↓

I'm done. I was in character before, but I'm me now,

character

↓

so you can tell me how good I was.

↓

Okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.

front

↓

You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...

welcome

↓

Plus, I do feel like that's what the character would have done,

character plus

↓

and I've been in character all day.

character

↓

As a matter of fact, don't want to brag, but I've been in character all week.

brag character fact matter week

↓

Okay, well, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...

looking

↓

Come on, man! No, I've been coming here for years,

coming years

↓

and you never put me past you to the director.

director past

↓

Well, listen, we have... A lot of people are going to be reading for this role.

reading role

↓

No! I'm gonna see the director.

director

↓

You're gonna put me through to the director,

director

↓

that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.

deserve

↓

I deserve it. I am a trained actor.

actor deserve trained

↓

Okay? I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes,

acting classes dollars spent thousands

↓

and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?

↓

That all that money was just a waste?

money waste

↓

Well, not for your acting teacher.

acting teacher

↓

Hmm?

↓

You know, guys, it occurs to me that, with this new employee,

employee occurs

↓

we could be looking at a lot less work and a lot more available time.

available less looking

↓

Perhaps we should consider a vacation.

consider perhaps vacation

↓

Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.

idea

↓

I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable

comfortable

↓

with the idea of travel lately, like...

idea lately travel

↓

Check this out, did you guys know that

check

↓

Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?

pennsylvania pittsburgh

↓

- Yes. - Yeah.

↓

No, think about that, though, that's crazy.

crazy

↓

Like, two cities in one state?

cities state

↓

- No, that's-that's not crazy. - No. No, not at all.

crazy

↓

No, no, no.

↓

All right, I don't think you understand.

↓

There's two cities in the same state, like, how is that even possible?

cities possible state

↓

All states have more than one city.

city states

↓

That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.

cities multiple possible

↓

Mmm... No.

↓

- Yes. - There's... No.

↓

- Yes. - There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

pennsylvania philadelphia

↓

Yes.

↓

So, that's what Pennsylvania is.

pennsylvania

↓

- Oh, no. - No.

↓

Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?

pennsylvania philadelphias

↓

- No. - No.

↓

No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania...

pennsylvania philadelphia

↓

- What is this man talking about? - I...

↓

I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly

constantly pittsburgh

↓

going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?

pittsburgh throughout

↓

- No. - Explain this to me.

explain

↓

Oh! I understand. I think I understand...

↓

- Really? - Finally, somebody gets it.

finally somebody

↓

He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.

vacation wants

↓

- Yeah. Well, yeah. - He wants to go somewhere exotic.

exotic wants

↓

- Yes. - He wants to go to Fire Island.

fire fire-island island wants

↓

He wants to go to Greece.

greece wants

↓

- He wants to experiment. - No. That's not what I'm saying, no.

experiment wants

↓

- He wants to try new things. - That is not what he said.

wants

↓

- Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh. - 'Cause we're already there.

pittsburgh

↓

We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel...

pittsburgh

↓

I... This-this is not easy.

easy

↓

Hey-o. Check it out.

check

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

It's Dee's replacement.

dees replacement

↓

Why did you get a monkey?

monkey

↓

Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.

dees girl hire

↓

We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,

monkey

↓

so I got a monkey instead.

monkey

↓

It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.

monkey

↓

Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.

expression frank

↓

We need an actual person.

actual person

↓

Oh, yeah? Check this out.

check

↓

Monkey, beer.

beer monkey monkey-beer

↓

See? Great, huh?

↓

No! No, not great. Ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

You think a monkey can run a bar?

monkey

↓

Run a bar?

↓

I thought it was just to do Dee's job.

dees

↓

Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar

watch

↓

- 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. - Right.

vacation

↓

- Ooh, vacation? - Mmm-hmm.

vacation

↓

- Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? - Ah.

anybody pittsburgh

↓

What is with you guys and Pittsburgh? Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

pittsburgh

↓

If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.

someplace vacation

↓

Yeah, thanks.

thanks

↓

I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,

choose whole whole-world world

↓

and you guys want to go to the second-best city

best city second

↓

in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.

crazy pennsylvania

↓

Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?

pittsburgh

↓

Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

pittsburgh

↓

Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?

pittsburgh

↓

Whoa, hang on a second now.

hang second whoa whoa-hang

↓

That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?

monkey whatd

↓

Beats me.

beats

↓

Okay, well, it's very, very delicious.

delicious

↓

What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?

deal monkey

↓

He some kind of mixologist?

↓

He used to work in the movies.

movies used

↓

He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.

comes line monkeys movie

↓

Rumor has it that he also did a short stint

rumor short

↓

making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

drinks kitty

↓

- Wow. - Okay, okay. Interesting.

interesting

↓

- You know those were stiff. - Yeah.

stiff

↓

Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person

actual eventually person

↓

to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,

vacation

↓

you know, but while we're landing on where exactly to go, let's, uh...

landing

↓

Mmm!

↓

Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is

monkey

↓

the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.

beer best entire entire-life life swear

↓

Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.

beer tastes

↓

- You guys got to try this. - Really?

↓

- I bet, yeah. - Monkey.

monkey

↓

- Three more. - Yeah. All right.

three

↓

Look at that.

↓

Hello. Good afternoon.

afternoon

↓

I'm Deandra Reynolds,

deandra deandra-reynolds reynolds

↓

and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.

acting acting-class class joining

↓

For starters...

starters

↓

I don't have a limp.

limp

↓

Right?

↓

Don't be shy.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Thank you so much. Thank you.

↓

Oh, here's the thing.

↓

The first order of business, and perhaps the most important thing,

business order perhaps

↓

is payment.

payment

↓

Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash or cashier's check?

cash chance check

↓

Okay, good. Great.

↓

Great, wonderful. Okay, well, let's get started.

started

↓

Chain saw, avocado, marlin.

avocado chain marlin

↓

- What'd I just say? You. - Um...

whatd

↓

Chain saw, avocado, marlin?

avocado chain marlin

↓

Right!

↓

Which is wrong.

↓

You just violated the first rule of acting.

acting rule violated

↓

You listened.

listened

↓

When you are listening, you are not talking,

listening

↓

and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.

paid

↓

You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?

entire movie throughout

↓

An extra.

extra

↓

Which brings me to rule number two.

brings number rule rule-number

↓

Acting is...

acting

↓

Oh, um... Reacting.

↓

Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.

acting ignoring

↓

Think about it.

↓

Ignore reality.

ignore reality

↓

You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.

casting office park

↓

Ignore your scene partner

ignore partner scene

↓

because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.

believe goddamn ignoring

↓

And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?

christs christs-sake ignore sake script

↓

You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?

dorks writer writers

↓

Any questions?

questions

↓

No! Put your hands down!

hands

↓

No.

↓

Don't ask questions.

questions

↓

That shows you don't know something,

shows

↓

which makes you look weak.

makes weak

↓

Got it?

↓

Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,

circle payment

↓

it's pretty important to me, okay? 'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,

dead dead-serious serious

↓

you're not walking out of here without the payment.

payment walking

↓

Oh, my God, Charlie, we're not going to Scranton.

charlie

↓

All right, fine. What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?

↓

Altoona? You know...

altoona

↓

Okay, will you at least consider going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?

consider least pennsylvania someplace

↓

All those cities are in Pennsylvania?

cities pennsylvania

↓

Are you kidding me? Like, you don't want to know--

kidding

↓

Thank you, monkey. You don't want to know, like,

monkey

↓

how this shit works, man?

works

↓

No. I don't want to find out how zoning districts work.

zoning

↓

I don't care about that. Thank you, monkey.

care monkey

↓

I want to go somewhere exotic.

exotic

↓

Baltimore?

baltimore

↓

- Baltimore is not exotic, Frank. - No.

baltimore exotic frank

↓

I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore

baltimore happen seen

↓

that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey.

blow mind monkey

↓

You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.

↓

Regardless of where we decide to go, we're taking this goddamn monkey

decide goddamn monkey regardless

↓

- because I love this guy. I love him. - Oh, yeah.

love

↓

It would be great if we could hire more monkeys

hire monkeys

↓

to do our job for us while we're gone.

gone

↓

Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar, you know what I mean?

monkeys team

↓

Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah, because Hollywood decided

decided hollywood

↓

you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.

beat free

↓

- Are you seriously... - You can't beat monkeys?

beat monkeys

↓

- No, you can't. - At all?

↓

Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore

anymore jobs monkeys

↓

- 'cause of these snowflakes? - Not allowed to do it no more.

allowed snowflakes

↓

- These Hollywood... - Oh, my God.

hollywood

↓

I do have to admit, though, it is a little disappointing

admit disappointing

↓

to discover that a team of primates could do our jobs for us, but...

discover jobs primates team

↓

I'm gonna blow past it

blow past

↓

because I really do want to come up with a vacation spot for us, you know?

spot vacation

↓

So, here's what I'm thinking, guys. Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?

everybody grab napkin thinking

↓

Grab a napkin.

grab napkin

↓

And, uh, everybody write down a destination on the napkin,

destination everybody napkin write

↓

and then we'll put that destination in this bowl right here,

bowl destination

↓

I'll pick one out,

pick

↓

and that way not one of us decides, but we let fate take over.

decides fate

↓

- What do you guys think about that plan? - Okay.

plan

↓

I didn't say that

↓

- I don't love you. - Then what is it?

love

↓

Is it my gang ties? Because I don't need that shit.

gang ties

↓

I'll leave it all behind.

behind

↓

Just tell me what's wrong.

↓

The baby.

baby

↓

It's not yours. It's my...

↓

my...

↓

- my father's. - Bigger.

bigger fathers

↓

- My father's! - Louder.

fathers louder

↓

- My father's! - Yes!

fathers

↓

Good. Now you go.

↓

- Your father's? - Louder.

fathers louder

↓

Your father's?

fathers

↓

Okay! Now, this is what I'm talking about.

↓

Nice work. Do you all see that?

↓

Goddamn, that's what I want. I want to be able

able goddamn

↓

to see your performance from the fucking moon.

fucking moon performance

↓

Guys, the louder you are,

louder

↓

the more people have to pay attention to you.

attention

↓

Yeah, I-I don't understand the script.

script

↓

What movie did you say this was from?

movie

↓

I didn't. I wrote it.

wrote

↓

It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.

chinatown justice mash poetic tupac

↓

Oh. Are you gonna write all the scenes?

scenes write

↓

Well, there you go asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.

asking bunch questions tony

↓

Kiki, how does that make him seem to you?

kiki

↓

Um... Weak?

weak

↓

Weak! Good. Very good.

weak

↓

Now, you, Kiki, you're really getting this.

kiki

↓

But did you feel that?

↓

Did you feel how he went from, like, a hot stud you'd like to bang

bang stud

↓

to a weak little bitch right before your eyes? Right?

bitch eyes weak

↓

I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,

↓

but that's between him and me.

↓

Tony, see me after class.

class tony

↓

Um... Okay.

↓

Wrong! Wrong! Okay.

↓

People in power will try and bang you.

bang power

↓

Now, sometimes it will be necessary to get the part,

necessary part sometimes

↓

but assess the situation.

assess situation

↓

Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?

hand simple suffice

↓

Tony, do see me after class.

class tony

↓

And the place that we're going to is...

place

↓

Yell... Yellow?

yell yellow

↓

What is, what is this? Who, who wrote this?

wrote

↓

Me. Yeah.

↓

Were you trying to say Yellowstone or...

yellowstone

↓

Uh... No. Just yellow.

yellow

↓

- Just yellow? Just the color yellow? - Well, I panicked.

color panicked yellow

↓

You know, you were shooting down all the other places

places shooting

↓

I've been naming, so I-I couldn't think of something.

naming

↓

Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place, you idiot, so...

goddamn goddamn-place idiot place

↓

We're gonna try this again.

↓

Next place I pick out, that's where we're gonna go.

pick place

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

Purple.

purple

↓

What is happening?

↓

That was me. Yeah, I did purple.

purple

↓

- You did purple? - Yeah, I...

purple

↓

- Two of you wrote colors? - Okay, so you thought of a color, too?

color colors wrote

↓

I didn't understand the assignment either.

assignment

↓

- It-it was not clear. - I said write down a destination,

clear destination write

↓

- and two people wrote down colors? - We're sorry, we're sorry.

colors wrote

↓

- I don't understand... - I like purple.

purple

↓

I like purple, too, Frank. That's why I wrote it down.

frank purple wrote

↓

Well, maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.

↓

Go where? Purple? That's not a place!

place purple

↓

- That... All right, you know... - Okay, you're right.

↓

I think, these beers are a little strong.

beers strong

↓

- Are you drunk? - I... these beers are a little strong.

beers drunk strong

↓

I will admit that the beers are also stronger

admit beers stronger

↓

- than I was anticipating. - I like this beer.

anticipating beer

↓

You know what, guys?

↓

- I'm having a lot of fun here. - Mmm-hmm.

fun having

↓

But I do want to figure this out, so, new plan.

figure plan

↓

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

↓

Instead of writing down places,

places writing

↓

why don't we write down... keywords?

write

↓

Or phrases, you know?

phrases

↓

Let's go with our instincts, you know?

instincts

↓

Whatever we want to feel, what-whatever we want to experience

experience

↓

on the vacation, okay?

vacation

↓

And then we'll put it up on a board.

board

↓

We'll look at it all together and then maybe

↓

the destination will just reveal itself to us.

destination reveal

↓

And... we can drink more monkey beer.

beer drink monkey monkey-beer

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Monkey! - We'll drink monkey beer while doing it.

beer drink monkey monkey-beer

↓

- Monkey. - Four more monkey beers, monkey.

beers four monkey

↓

- Monkey, monkey, monkey beer! - Monkey! Four more!

beer four monkey monkey-beer

↓

Ms. Reynolds, can I talk to you for a second?

reynolds second

↓

Oh, God, what's this? Listen, if you don't have the cash,

cash

↓

you're gonna want to borrow it from, like, an uncle or a friend

borrow friend uncle

↓

or something 'cause I don't make exceptions.

↓

No. It's, uh, it's not the money. Um...

money

↓

I just wanted to say... thank you.

wanted

↓

It feels so good to be seen like that.

feels seen

↓

My parents don't really believe in me, so...

believe parents

↓

Wait, wait, wait. Stop talking.

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

You're making me realize something here.

realize

↓

Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.

scam

↓

What?

↓

Well, what I mean is, I-I was just able to give you something

able

↓

your parents never did, and all-all I had to do was...

parents

↓

toss you a single compliment.

compliment single toss

↓

I can control you.

control

↓

I can make you feel however I want you to feel,

↓

which will help you be a better actor.

actor

↓

- Oh, I do want to be a better... - Shh. I'm not done.

↓

Oh, that's real power.

power real real-power

↓

Way more power than just acting, and I think that's what it was

acting power

↓

probably all about for me, you know?

↓

I just... I was searching for a sense of control.

control searching sense

↓

Oh, Kiki, you were...

kiki

↓

terrible.

↓

Wait, I-I was?

↓

No. No.

↓

I'm kidding.

kidding

↓

You were amazing.

amazing

↓

And you're going to make it.

↓

I believe in you.

believe

↓

Oh, you do?

↓

Maybe.

↓

I'm not going to tell you right now.

↓

But yes.

↓

Oh, my God! This is...

↓

This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.

amazing kiki

↓

I'm going to be there for you.

↓

I'm going to be the mother and father that you never had.

father mother

↓

I'm only going to take 35% of all your future earnings,

future

↓

and I will never, never

↓

turn my back on you, do you understand?

↓

- Yes. - Because you...

↓

Can you give me one second?

second

↓

My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket.

buzzing hook phone pocket

↓

One sec. Hello?

↓

No! I'm gonna see the director.

director

↓

Hi, yes. Is this Deandra Reynolds?

deandra deandra-reynolds reynolds

↓

- Yup. - Right. Well,

↓

I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this...

blue

↓

- Faster. - What?

faster

↓

Faster.

faster

↓

Right. Brilliant.

brilliant

↓

Well, I am the director of the TV show

director

↓

that you crashed the audition on the other day,

audition crashed

↓

and we have a role that...

role

↓

Slower.

slower

↓

All right. Um...

↓

Well, as I was saying, I am...

↓

the director...

director

↓

Too slow. Don't start over.

slow start

↓

Okay.

↓

Well, I saw your tape,

tape

↓

and, based on what I saw, and this conversation,

based conversation

↓

I think we have a part that might be right for you.

might part

↓

Stop.

↓

Attention, everyone.

attention

↓

Dee Reynolds Acting School is officially closed.

acting closed officially reynolds school

↓

And I'm sorry, there will be no return on investments,

investments return

↓

but it was in the fine print. Have a wonderful afternoon.

afternoon print

↓

Continue.

continue

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, guys.

↓

What the hell is happening?

↓

Guys, wake up.

wake

↓

Wake...

wake

↓

Wha...

↓

Oh, my God. My head is killing me.

head killing

↓

Oh, dude. I am very hungover. I do not feel good.

hungover

↓

Charlie, you're full of scratches.

charlie full scratches

↓

So are you.

↓

- Wait, I got scratches, too. - Oh, shit.

scratches

↓

Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.

neck

↓

Is that shit on the bar?

↓

What-what is that...

↓

sour, salty taste in my mouth? Do you guys have that?

mouth salty sour taste

↓

- Yeah, I got that. - Yes. Yes, I have that.

↓

- What is that? - Yeah, it's real bad.

real

↓

- Guys... - Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.

↓

I think we've been outsmarted.

outsmarted

↓

- What? - Huh?

↓

The monkey got us drunk,

drunk monkey

↓

assaulted us,

assaulted

↓

robbed the bar,

robbed

↓

and possibly fucked our mouths.

fucked mouths possibly

↓

- Oh, God! - Yeah, he did. That is what happened.

happened

↓

Yeah, the guy who sold him to me

sold

↓

did say something like this could happen.

happen

↓

- He did? - Yeah.

↓

Apparently, the monkey's grandfather was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey,

apparently fatty grandfather monkey monkeys

↓

and you know how these things go. These monkeys are passed down

monkeys passed

↓

from one Hollywood creep to the next,

creep hollywood

↓

until, eventually,

eventually

↓

they wind up under a bridge in Philly

bridge philly wind

↓

getting drunk and pulling scams.

drunk pulling

↓

- Oh! Goddamn. All right. - What?

goddamn

↓

All right, all right, we got to think about this. All right,

↓

so let's not take the monkey on our vacation.

monkey vacation

↓

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

↓

The vacation. I think we landed on a vacation destination last night.

destination landed night vacation

↓

- Yeah, we did, we did. Look, look, look. - Oh, look at the board.

board

↓

- We did? - Yeah. We got something on here.

↓

Let's, um...

↓

Okay, should we see where we're going?

↓

- Yeah, where are we going? - Where we going? Where we going?

↓

All right, here we go...

↓

"Monkey Beer Island of green and fight."

beer beer-island fight green island monkey monkey-beer

↓

- Goddamn it. - That's not a place.

goddamn goddamn-it place

↓

- That's not a place? - No, it's not!

place

↓

No, it's not a goddamn place. You know what this is?

goddamn goddamn-place place

↓

This is the ramblings of four men who got very, very drunk last night

drunk four night

↓

on a mystery concoction invented by a wild animal.

animal invented mystery wild wild-animal

↓

- Why can't we just be normal? - That is what it is.

normal

↓

That's so weird.

weird

↓

- Why would we do that? - Because the monkey beers

beers monkey

↓

were so delicious.

delicious

↓

All right? That-that monkey may have been a pervert,

monkey pervert

↓

but he was also a genius, which is often the case in Hollywood.

case genius hollywood often

↓

You know what I'm thinking? 'Cause I'm seeing a lot

seeing thinking

↓

of empty whiskey bottles around,

bottles empty whiskey

↓

I'm thinking maybe that monkey was just pouring, like,

monkey pouring thinking

↓

half a bottle of whiskey in each beer.

beer bottle half whiskey

↓

- You know? - That could be.

↓

Based on my hangover, I think that's what I'm feeling.

based feeling hangover

↓

- Goddamn it. - That tracks, that tracks.

goddamn goddamn-it tracks

↓

So, monkey beer is just whiskey...

beer monkey monkey-beer whiskey

↓

Whiskey-beer, yeah. ...beer?

beer whiskey whiskey-beer

↓

So...

↓

"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

beer beer-island fight green island whiskey whiskey-beer

↓

- We're nowhere. We're nowhere. - Hey-o!

↓

Whoa, what the hell happened...

happened whoa

↓

You know what? Don't care.

care

↓

Do not even care 'cause guess what, dick nips.

care dick nips

↓

This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig.

acting bird booked dumb flightless huge

↓

Why don't you feast your eyes on "Obnoxious American MILF #1"?

american american-milf eyes feast milf obnoxious obnoxious-american obnoxious-american-milf

↓

In your faces. That's right.

faces

↓

And guess what. I leave tomorrow morning

morning tomorrow tomorrow-morning

↓

at 6:30 a.m. on a first-class flight

class flight

↓

'cause it shoots in Ireland, baby.

baby ireland shoots

↓

Yeah!

↓

Body slam!

body slam

↓

- I mean, she... She comes in screaming. - That was the worst.

comes screaming worst

↓

- Screaming. - Cackling like a witch.

cackling screaming witch

↓

Just screaming and screeching, like...

screaming screeching

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

- What? What is it? - I don't know.

↓

- I don't know. - You don't know?

↓

- Right? It wasn't clear. - Frank looked at me...

clear frank looked

↓

Why did you guys act like you knew what it was, then?

↓

I don't know. We were all getting excited together.

excited

↓

- I was excited... - And, yeah...

excited

↓

Goddamn it. Frank, you tell them what it is.

frank goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Yeah, what is it?

↓

I don't know what it is.

↓

- You don't... - Okay, yeah, we don't know...

↓

- We don't know what it is. - Guys, guys.

↓

"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

beer beer-island fight green island whiskey whiskey-beer

↓

That's Ireland.

ireland

↓

Goddamn, you guys.

goddamn

↓

What is this delicious drink? This is good.

delicious drink

↓

I was gonna go home and get some sleep,

home sleep

↓

but I might have to get a couple soda pops in first,

couple might pops soda

↓

you know what I mean? Nice job.

↓

Mmm. Mmm!

↓

Ooh. Wow.

↓

Is that poop?

poop

↓

No.

↓

No, no. This can't be happening.

↓

I-I-I'm too young.

young

↓

No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.

change

↓

I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.

change

↓

It's always so goddamn hot.

goddamn

↓

Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.

crack door someones window

↓

It's all happening too fast.

fast

↓

I had plans, and they were perfect plans.

perfect plans

↓

This is just all too soon!

↓

What the hell was that about?

↓

I'll tell you what that was about. Menopause.

menopause

↓

- What? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

↓

- Menopause? - Oh, for real?

menopause real

↓

I went through the same thing with Barbara.

barbara

↓

Overnight, she became completely irrational

became completely irrational overnight

↓

with the hot flashes and the mood swings.

mood swings

↓

And the paranoia, oh, that was the worst.

paranoia worst

↓

Always accusing me of having affairs.

accusing affairs having having-affairs

↓

Hmm. Right. But you were having affairs.

affairs having having-affairs

↓

Yeah, but it was a real headache, and you can't have that around here.

headache real

↓

I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,

taken

↓

you know, I slept with Dee that one time, but, like,

slept

↓

I'm, like, sick of looking at her.

looking sick

↓

- I, too. - You know? Is it just me?

↓

- No. - Okay.

↓

- No. - No.

↓

- It's not just you. - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not trying

↓

to be mean, it's not personal.

personal

↓

You're just being honest about how you feel.

honest

↓

- Yeah. - Also, there's a smell.

smell

↓

- Okay. - There's a smell, yeah.

smell

↓

And a lot of women have this,

women

↓

and it makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't want to be around it,

makes sick stomach

↓

and I think that's what you're saying.

↓

Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,

noticed smell

↓

but, no, I'm just saying, like...

↓

I feel a lot of tension in the workplace 'cause we slept together, you know?

slept tension workplace

↓

Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.

called environment hostile legally

↓

Okay, I can see that.

↓

We can legally fire her

fire legally

↓

and bring in whichever man we want.

bring whichever

↓

Oh, okay.

↓

I see... I see where you're going with that.

↓

Yeah, he's got an agenda. But either way,

agenda

↓

it-it doesn't matter. The point is,

matter point

↓

what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,

replacing

↓

and I think it's a great idea. I think, I think it's long overdue.

idea overdue

↓

Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,

another another-woman bring woman

↓

can we at least make sure she's competent?

competent least

↓

Competent?

competent

↓

A monkey could do Dee's job.

dees monkey

↓

A monkey could.

monkey

↓

Terrific. Thanks for coming in.

coming terrific thanks

↓

- All right. - Move. Move.

↓

Not gonna get it. No. Give me a break. Move.

break

↓

- What is... - You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.

jeffrey

↓

You listen to me.

↓

Because I have been listening to you for long enough.

listening

↓

- I'm sorry... Who are you? - No, no, no.

↓

This can't be happening. This can't be happening, I'm too young.

young

↓

Why are you doing this to me? Why? I-I... No. I don't want to change.

change

↓

Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.

cassandra straight thinking

↓

- You have to-- - Oh, God, it's so hot.

↓

Why is it always so goddamn hot? Somebody ought to crack a window.

crack goddamn ought somebody window

↓

No, I-I-I need more time. I had it all planned out.

planned

↓

It was perfect, and this is just too soon!

perfect

↓

Oh, God!

↓

And that's the scene.

scene

↓

Yes, I'm aware.

aware

↓

I'm done. I was in character before, but I'm me now,

character

↓

so you can tell me how good I was.

↓

Okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.

front

↓

You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...

welcome

↓

Plus, I do feel like that's what the character would have done,

character plus

↓

and I've been in character all day.

character

↓

As a matter of fact, don't want to brag, but I've been in character all week.

brag character fact matter week

↓

Okay, well, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...

looking

↓

Come on, man! No, I've been coming here for years,

coming years

↓

and you never put me past you to the director.

director past

↓

Well, listen, we have... A lot of people are going to be reading for this role.

reading role

↓

No! I'm gonna see the director.

director

↓

You're gonna put me through to the director,

director

↓

that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.

deserve

↓

I deserve it. I am a trained actor.

actor deserve trained

↓

Okay? I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes,

acting classes dollars spent thousands

↓

and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?

↓

That all that money was just a waste?

money waste

↓

Well, not for your acting teacher.

acting teacher

↓

Hmm?

↓

You know, guys, it occurs to me that, with this new employee,

employee occurs

↓

we could be looking at a lot less work and a lot more available time.

available less looking

↓

Perhaps we should consider a vacation.

consider perhaps vacation

↓

Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.

idea

↓

I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable

comfortable

↓

with the idea of travel lately, like...

idea lately travel

↓

Check this out, did you guys know that

check

↓

Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?

pennsylvania pittsburgh

↓

- Yes. - Yeah.

↓

No, think about that, though, that's crazy.

crazy

↓

Like, two cities in one state?

cities state

↓

- No, that's-that's not crazy. - No. No, not at all.

crazy

↓

No, no, no.

↓

All right, I don't think you understand.

↓

There's two cities in the same state, like, how is that even possible?

cities possible state

↓

All states have more than one city.

city states

↓

That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.

cities multiple possible

↓

Mmm... No.

↓

- Yes. - There's... No.

↓

- Yes. - There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

pennsylvania philadelphia

↓

Yes.

↓

So, that's what Pennsylvania is.

pennsylvania

↓

- Oh, no. - No.

↓

Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?

pennsylvania philadelphias

↓

- No. - No.

↓

No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania...

pennsylvania philadelphia

↓

- What is this man talking about? - I...

↓

I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly

constantly pittsburgh

↓

going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?

pittsburgh throughout

↓

- No. - Explain this to me.

explain

↓

Oh! I understand. I think I understand...

↓

- Really? - Finally, somebody gets it.

finally somebody

↓

He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.

vacation wants

↓

- Yeah. Well, yeah. - He wants to go somewhere exotic.

exotic wants

↓

- Yes. - He wants to go to Fire Island.

fire fire-island island wants

↓

He wants to go to Greece.

greece wants

↓

- He wants to experiment. - No. That's not what I'm saying, no.

experiment wants

↓

- He wants to try new things. - That is not what he said.

wants

↓

- Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh. - 'Cause we're already there.

pittsburgh

↓

We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel...

pittsburgh

↓

I... This-this is not easy.

easy

↓

Hey-o. Check it out.

check

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

It's Dee's replacement.

dees replacement

↓

Why did you get a monkey?

monkey

↓

Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.

dees girl hire

↓

We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,

monkey

↓

so I got a monkey instead.

monkey

↓

It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.

monkey

↓

Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.

expression frank

↓

We need an actual person.

actual person

↓

Oh, yeah? Check this out.

check

↓

Monkey, beer.

beer monkey monkey-beer

↓

See? Great, huh?

↓

No! No, not great. Ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

You think a monkey can run a bar?

monkey

↓

Run a bar?

↓

I thought it was just to do Dee's job.

dees

↓

Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar

watch

↓

- 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. - Right.

vacation

↓

- Ooh, vacation? - Mmm-hmm.

vacation

↓

- Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? - Ah.

anybody pittsburgh

↓

What is with you guys and Pittsburgh? Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

pittsburgh

↓

If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.

someplace vacation

↓

Yeah, thanks.

thanks

↓

I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,

choose whole whole-world world

↓

and you guys want to go to the second-best city

best city second

↓

in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.

crazy pennsylvania

↓

Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?

pittsburgh

↓

Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

pittsburgh

↓

Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?

pittsburgh

↓

Whoa, hang on a second now.

hang second whoa whoa-hang

↓

That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?

monkey whatd

↓

Beats me.

beats

↓

Okay, well, it's very, very delicious.

delicious

↓

What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?

deal monkey

↓

He some kind of mixologist?

↓

He used to work in the movies.

movies used

↓

He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.

comes line monkeys movie

↓

Rumor has it that he also did a short stint

rumor short

↓

making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

drinks kitty

↓

- Wow. - Okay, okay. Interesting.

interesting

↓

- You know those were stiff. - Yeah.

stiff

↓

Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person

actual eventually person

↓

to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,

vacation

↓

you know, but while we're landing on where exactly to go, let's, uh...

landing

↓

Mmm!

↓

Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is

monkey

↓

the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.

beer best entire entire-life life swear

↓

Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.

beer tastes

↓

- You guys got to try this. - Really?

↓

- I bet, yeah. - Monkey.

monkey

↓

- Three more. - Yeah. All right.

three

↓

Look at that.

↓

Hello. Good afternoon.

afternoon

↓

I'm Deandra Reynolds,

deandra deandra-reynolds reynolds

↓

and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.

acting acting-class class joining

↓

For starters...

starters

↓

I don't have a limp.

limp

↓

Right?

↓

Don't be shy.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Thank you so much. Thank you.

↓

Oh, here's the thing.

↓

The first order of business, and perhaps the most important thing,

business order perhaps

↓

is payment.

payment

↓

Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash or cashier's check?

cash chance check

↓

Okay, good. Great.

↓

Great, wonderful. Okay, well, let's get started.

started

↓

Chain saw, avocado, marlin.

avocado chain marlin

↓

- What'd I just say? You. - Um...

whatd

↓

Chain saw, avocado, marlin?

avocado chain marlin

↓

Right!

↓

Which is wrong.

↓

You just violated the first rule of acting.

acting rule violated

↓

You listened.

listened

↓

When you are listening, you are not talking,

listening

↓

and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.

paid

↓

You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?

entire movie throughout

↓

An extra.

extra

↓

Which brings me to rule number two.

brings number rule rule-number

↓

Acting is...

acting

↓

Oh, um... Reacting.

↓

Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.

acting ignoring

↓

Think about it.

↓

Ignore reality.

ignore reality

↓

You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.

casting office park

↓

Ignore your scene partner

ignore partner scene

↓

because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.

believe goddamn ignoring

↓

And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?

christs christs-sake ignore sake script

↓

You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?

dorks writer writers

↓

Any questions?

questions

↓

No! Put your hands down!

hands

↓

No.

↓

Don't ask questions.

questions

↓

That shows you don't know something,

shows

↓

which makes you look weak.

makes weak

↓

Got it?

↓

Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,

circle payment

↓

it's pretty important to me, okay? 'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,

dead dead-serious serious

↓

you're not walking out of here without the payment.

payment walking

↓

Oh, my God, Charlie, we're not going to Scranton.

charlie

↓

All right, fine. What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?

↓

Altoona? You know...

altoona

↓

Okay, will you at least consider going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?

consider least pennsylvania someplace

↓

All those cities are in Pennsylvania?

cities pennsylvania

↓

Are you kidding me? Like, you don't want to know--

kidding

↓

Thank you, monkey. You don't want to know, like,

monkey

↓

how this shit works, man?

works

↓

No. I don't want to find out how zoning districts work.

zoning

↓

I don't care about that. Thank you, monkey.

care monkey

↓

I want to go somewhere exotic.

exotic

↓

Baltimore?

baltimore

↓

- Baltimore is not exotic, Frank. - No.

baltimore exotic frank

↓

I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore

baltimore happen seen

↓

that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey.

blow mind monkey

↓

You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.

↓

Regardless of where we decide to go, we're taking this goddamn monkey

decide goddamn monkey regardless

↓

- because I love this guy. I love him. - Oh, yeah.

love

↓

It would be great if we could hire more monkeys

hire monkeys

↓

to do our job for us while we're gone.

gone

↓

Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar, you know what I mean?

monkeys team

↓

Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah, because Hollywood decided

decided hollywood

↓

you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.

beat free

↓

- Are you seriously... - You can't beat monkeys?

beat monkeys

↓

- No, you can't. - At all?

↓

Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore

anymore jobs monkeys

↓

- 'cause of these snowflakes? - Not allowed to do it no more.

allowed snowflakes

↓

- These Hollywood... - Oh, my God.

hollywood

↓

I do have to admit, though, it is a little disappointing

admit disappointing

↓

to discover that a team of primates could do our jobs for us, but...

discover jobs primates team

↓

I'm gonna blow past it

blow past

↓

because I really do want to come up with a vacation spot for us, you know?

spot vacation

↓

So, here's what I'm thinking, guys. Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?

everybody grab napkin thinking

↓

Grab a napkin.

grab napkin

↓

And, uh, everybody write down a destination on the napkin,

destination everybody napkin write

↓

and then we'll put that destination in this bowl right here,

bowl destination

↓

I'll pick one out,

pick

↓

and that way not one of us decides, but we let fate take over.

decides fate

↓

- What do you guys think about that plan? - Okay.

plan

↓

I didn't say that

↓

- I don't love you. - Then what is it?

love

↓

Is it my gang ties? Because I don't need that shit.

gang ties

↓

I'll leave it all behind.

behind

↓

Just tell me what's wrong.

↓

The baby.

baby

↓

It's not yours. It's my...

↓

my...

↓

- my father's. - Bigger.

bigger fathers

↓

- My father's! - Louder.

fathers louder

↓

- My father's! - Yes!

fathers

↓

Good. Now you go.

↓

- Your father's? - Louder.

fathers louder

↓

Your father's?

fathers

↓

Okay! Now, this is what I'm talking about.

↓

Nice work. Do you all see that?

↓

Goddamn, that's what I want. I want to be able

able goddamn

↓

to see your performance from the fucking moon.

fucking moon performance

↓

Guys, the louder you are,

louder

↓

the more people have to pay attention to you.

attention

↓

Yeah, I-I don't understand the script.

script

↓

What movie did you say this was from?

movie

↓

I didn't. I wrote it.

wrote

↓

It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.

chinatown justice mash poetic tupac

↓

Oh. Are you gonna write all the scenes?

scenes write

↓

Well, there you go asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.

asking bunch questions tony

↓

Kiki, how does that make him seem to you?

kiki

↓

Um... Weak?

weak

↓

Weak! Good. Very good.

weak

↓

Now, you, Kiki, you're really getting this.

kiki

↓

But did you feel that?

↓

Did you feel how he went from, like, a hot stud you'd like to bang

bang stud

↓

to a weak little bitch right before your eyes? Right?

bitch eyes weak

↓

I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,

↓

but that's between him and me.

↓

Tony, see me after class.

class tony

↓

Um... Okay.

↓

Wrong! Wrong! Okay.

↓

People in power will try and bang you.

bang power

↓

Now, sometimes it will be necessary to get the part,

necessary part sometimes

↓

but assess the situation.

assess situation

↓

Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?

hand simple suffice

↓

Tony, do see me after class.

class tony

↓

And the place that we're going to is...

place

↓

Yell... Yellow?

yell yellow

↓

What is, what is this? Who, who wrote this?

wrote

↓

Me. Yeah.

↓

Were you trying to say Yellowstone or...

yellowstone

↓

Uh... No. Just yellow.

yellow

↓

- Just yellow? Just the color yellow? - Well, I panicked.

color panicked yellow

↓

You know, you were shooting down all the other places

places shooting

↓

I've been naming, so I-I couldn't think of something.

naming

↓

Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place, you idiot, so...

goddamn goddamn-place idiot place

↓

We're gonna try this again.

↓

Next place I pick out, that's where we're gonna go.

pick place

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

Purple.

purple

↓

What is happening?

↓

That was me. Yeah, I did purple.

purple

↓

- You did purple? - Yeah, I...

purple

↓

- Two of you wrote colors? - Okay, so you thought of a color, too?

color colors wrote

↓

I didn't understand the assignment either.

assignment

↓

- It-it was not clear. - I said write down a destination,

clear destination write

↓

- and two people wrote down colors? - We're sorry, we're sorry.

colors wrote

↓

- I don't understand... - I like purple.

purple

↓

I like purple, too, Frank. That's why I wrote it down.

frank purple wrote

↓

Well, maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.

↓

Go where? Purple? That's not a place!

place purple

↓

- That... All right, you know... - Okay, you're right.

↓

I think, these beers are a little strong.

beers strong

↓

- Are you drunk? - I... these beers are a little strong.

beers drunk strong

↓

I will admit that the beers are also stronger

admit beers stronger

↓

- than I was anticipating. - I like this beer.

anticipating beer

↓

You know what, guys?

↓

- I'm having a lot of fun here. - Mmm-hmm.

fun having

↓

But I do want to figure this out, so, new plan.

figure plan

↓

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

↓

Instead of writing down places,

places writing

↓

why don't we write down... keywords?

write

↓

Or phrases, you know?

phrases

↓

Let's go with our instincts, you know?

instincts

↓

Whatever we want to feel, what-whatever we want to experience

experience

↓

on the vacation, okay?

vacation

↓

And then we'll put it up on a board.

board

↓

We'll look at it all together and then maybe

↓

the destination will just reveal itself to us.

destination reveal

↓

And... we can drink more monkey beer.

beer drink monkey monkey-beer

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Monkey! - We'll drink monkey beer while doing it.

beer drink monkey monkey-beer

↓

- Monkey. - Four more monkey beers, monkey.

beers four monkey

↓

- Monkey, monkey, monkey beer! - Monkey! Four more!

beer four monkey monkey-beer

↓

Ms. Reynolds, can I talk to you for a second?

reynolds second

↓

Oh, God, what's this? Listen, if you don't have the cash,

cash

↓

you're gonna want to borrow it from, like, an uncle or a friend

borrow friend uncle

↓

or something 'cause I don't make exceptions.

↓

No. It's, uh, it's not the money. Um...

money

↓

I just wanted to say... thank you.

wanted

↓

It feels so good to be seen like that.

feels seen

↓

My parents don't really believe in me, so...

believe parents

↓

Wait, wait, wait. Stop talking.

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

You're making me realize something here.

realize

↓

Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.

scam

↓

What?

↓

Well, what I mean is, I-I was just able to give you something

able

↓

your parents never did, and all-all I had to do was...

parents

↓

toss you a single compliment.

compliment single toss

↓

I can control you.

control

↓

I can make you feel however I want you to feel,

↓

which will help you be a better actor.

actor

↓

- Oh, I do want to be a better... - Shh. I'm not done.

↓

Oh, that's real power.

power real real-power

↓

Way more power than just acting, and I think that's what it was

acting power

↓

probably all about for me, you know?

↓

I just... I was searching for a sense of control.

control searching sense

↓

Oh, Kiki, you were...

kiki

↓

terrible.

↓

Wait, I-I was?

↓

No. No.

↓

I'm kidding.

kidding

↓

You were amazing.

amazing

↓

And you're going to make it.

↓

I believe in you.

believe

↓

Oh, you do?

↓

Maybe.

↓

I'm not going to tell you right now.

↓

But yes.

↓

Oh, my God! This is...

↓

This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.

amazing kiki

↓

I'm going to be there for you.

↓

I'm going to be the mother and father that you never had.

father mother

↓

I'm only going to take 35% of all your future earnings,

future

↓

and I will never, never

↓

turn my back on you, do you understand?

↓

- Yes. - Because you...

↓

Can you give me one second?

second

↓

My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket.

buzzing hook phone pocket

↓

One sec. Hello?

↓

No! I'm gonna see the director.

director

↓

Hi, yes. Is this Deandra Reynolds?

deandra deandra-reynolds reynolds

↓

- Yup. - Right. Well,

↓

I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this...

blue

↓

- Faster. - What?

faster

↓

Faster.

faster

↓

Right. Brilliant.

brilliant

↓

Well, I am the director of the TV show

director

↓

that you crashed the audition on the other day,

audition crashed

↓

and we have a role that...

role

↓

Slower.

slower

↓

All right. Um...

↓

Well, as I was saying, I am...

↓

the director...

director

↓

Too slow. Don't start over.

slow start

↓

Okay.

↓

Well, I saw your tape,

tape

↓

and, based on what I saw, and this conversation,

based conversation

↓

I think we have a part that might be right for you.

might part

↓

Stop.

↓

Attention, everyone.

attention

↓

Dee Reynolds Acting School is officially closed.

acting closed officially reynolds school

↓

And I'm sorry, there will be no return on investments,

investments return

↓

but it was in the fine print. Have a wonderful afternoon.

afternoon print

↓

Continue.

continue

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, guys.

↓

What the hell is happening?

↓

Guys, wake up.

wake

↓

Wake...

wake

↓

Wha...

↓

Oh, my God. My head is killing me.

head killing

↓

Oh, dude. I am very hungover. I do not feel good.

hungover

↓

Charlie, you're full of scratches.

charlie full scratches

↓

So are you.

↓

- Wait, I got scratches, too. - Oh, shit.

scratches

↓

Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.

neck

↓

Is that shit on the bar?

↓

What-what is that...

↓

sour, salty taste in my mouth? Do you guys have that?

mouth salty sour taste

↓

- Yeah, I got that. - Yes. Yes, I have that.

↓

- What is that? - Yeah, it's real bad.

real

↓

- Guys... - Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.

↓

I think we've been outsmarted.

outsmarted

↓

- What? - Huh?

↓

The monkey got us drunk,

drunk monkey

↓

assaulted us,

assaulted

↓

robbed the bar,

robbed

↓

and possibly fucked our mouths.

fucked mouths possibly

↓

- Oh, God! - Yeah, he did. That is what happened.

happened

↓

Yeah, the guy who sold him to me

sold

↓

did say something like this could happen.

happen

↓

- He did? - Yeah.

↓

Apparently, the monkey's grandfather was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey,

apparently fatty grandfather monkey monkeys

↓

and you know how these things go. These monkeys are passed down

monkeys passed

↓

from one Hollywood creep to the next,

creep hollywood

↓

until, eventually,

eventually

↓

they wind up under a bridge in Philly

bridge philly wind

↓

getting drunk and pulling scams.

drunk pulling

↓

- Oh! Goddamn. All right. - What?

goddamn

↓

All right, all right, we got to think about this. All right,

↓

so let's not take the monkey on our vacation.

monkey vacation

↓

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

↓

The vacation. I think we landed on a vacation destination last night.

destination landed night vacation

↓

- Yeah, we did, we did. Look, look, look. - Oh, look at the board.

board

↓

- We did? - Yeah. We got something on here.

↓

Let's, um...

↓

Okay, should we see where we're going?

↓

- Yeah, where are we going? - Where we going? Where we going?

↓

All right, here we go...

↓

"Monkey Beer Island of green and fight."

beer beer-island fight green island monkey monkey-beer

↓

- Goddamn it. - That's not a place.

goddamn goddamn-it place

↓

- That's not a place? - No, it's not!

place

↓

No, it's not a goddamn place. You know what this is?

goddamn goddamn-place place

↓

This is the ramblings of four men who got very, very drunk last night

drunk four night

↓

on a mystery concoction invented by a wild animal.

animal invented mystery wild wild-animal

↓

- Why can't we just be normal? - That is what it is.

normal

↓

That's so weird.

weird

↓

- Why would we do that? - Because the monkey beers

beers monkey

↓

were so delicious.

delicious

↓

All right? That-that monkey may have been a pervert,

monkey pervert

↓

but he was also a genius, which is often the case in Hollywood.

case genius hollywood often

↓

You know what I'm thinking? 'Cause I'm seeing a lot

seeing thinking

↓

of empty whiskey bottles around,

bottles empty whiskey

↓

I'm thinking maybe that monkey was just pouring, like,

monkey pouring thinking

↓

half a bottle of whiskey in each beer.

beer bottle half whiskey

↓

- You know? - That could be.

↓

Based on my hangover, I think that's what I'm feeling.

based feeling hangover

↓

- Goddamn it. - That tracks, that tracks.

goddamn goddamn-it tracks

↓

So, monkey beer is just whiskey...

beer monkey monkey-beer whiskey

↓

Whiskey-beer, yeah. ...beer?

beer whiskey whiskey-beer

↓

So...

↓

"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

beer beer-island fight green island whiskey whiskey-beer

↓

- We're nowhere. We're nowhere. - Hey-o!

↓

Whoa, what the hell happened...

happened whoa

↓

You know what? Don't care.

care

↓

Do not even care 'cause guess what, dick nips.

care dick nips

↓

This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig.

acting bird booked dumb flightless huge

↓

Why don't you feast your eyes on "Obnoxious American MILF #1"?

american american-milf eyes feast milf obnoxious obnoxious-american obnoxious-american-milf

↓

In your faces. That's right.

faces

↓

And guess what. I leave tomorrow morning

morning tomorrow tomorrow-morning

↓

at 6:30 a.m. on a first-class flight

class flight

↓

'cause it shoots in Ireland, baby.

baby ireland shoots

↓

Yeah!

↓

Body slam!

body slam

↓

- I mean, she... She comes in screaming. - That was the worst.

comes screaming worst

↓

- Screaming. - Cackling like a witch.

cackling screaming witch

↓

Just screaming and screeching, like...

screaming screeching

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

- What? What is it? - I don't know.

↓

- I don't know. - You don't know?

↓

- Right? It wasn't clear. - Frank looked at me...

clear frank looked

↓

Why did you guys act like you knew what it was, then?

↓

I don't know. We were all getting excited together.

excited

↓

- I was excited... - And, yeah...

excited

↓

Goddamn it. Frank, you tell them what it is.

frank goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Yeah, what is it?

↓

I don't know what it is.

↓

- You don't... - Okay, yeah, we don't know...

↓

- We don't know what it is. - Guys, guys.

↓

"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

beer beer-island fight green island whiskey whiskey-beer

↓

That's Ireland.

ireland

↓

Goddamn, you guys.

goddamn

↓

What is this delicious drink? This is good.

delicious drink

↓

I was gonna go home and get some sleep,

home sleep

↓

but I might have to get a couple soda pops in first,

couple might pops soda

↓

you know what I mean? Nice job.

↓

Mmm. Mmm!

↓

Ooh. Wow.

↓

Is that poop?

poop