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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S15E04 — The Gang Replaces Dee With A Monkey
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Season 15, Episode 4 — The Gang Replaces Dee With A Monkey
No.
#1
⇓
No, no. This can't be happening.
#2
⇓
I-I-I'm too young.
#3
⇓
No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.
#4
⇓
I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.
#5
⇓
It's always so goddamn hot.
#6
⇓
Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.
#7
⇓
It's all happening too fast.
#8
⇓
I had plans, and they were perfect plans.
#9
⇓
This is just all too soon!
#10
⇓
What the hell was that about?
#11
⇓
I'll tell you what that was about. Menopause.
#12
⇓
- What? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
#13
⇓
- Menopause? - Oh, for real?
#14
⇓
I went through the same thing with Barbara.
#15
⇓
Overnight, she became completely irrational
#16
⇓
with the hot flashes and the mood swings.
#17
⇓
And the paranoia, oh, that was the worst.
#18
⇓
Always accusing me of having affairs.
#19
⇓
Hmm. Right. But you were having affairs.
#20
⇓
Yeah, but it was a real headache, and you can't have that around here.
#21
⇓
I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,
#22
⇓
you know, I slept with Dee that one time, but, like,
#23
⇓
I'm, like, sick of looking at her.
#24
⇓
- I, too. - You know? Is it just me?
#25
⇓
- No. - Okay.
#26
⇓
- No. - No.
#27
⇓
- It's not just you. - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not trying
#28
⇓
to be mean, it's not personal.
#29
⇓
You're just being honest about how you feel.
#30
⇓
- Yeah. - Also, there's a smell.
#31
⇓
- Okay. - There's a smell, yeah.
#32
⇓
And a lot of women have this,
#33
⇓
and it makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't want to be around it,
#34
⇓
and I think that's what you're saying.
#35
⇓
Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,
#36
⇓
but, no, I'm just saying, like...
#37
⇓
I feel a lot of tension in the workplace 'cause we slept together, you know?
#38
⇓
Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.
#39
⇓
Okay, I can see that.
#40
⇓
We can legally fire her
#41
⇓
and bring in whichever man we want.
#42
⇓
Oh, okay.
#43
⇓
I see... I see where you're going with that.
#44
⇓
Yeah, he's got an agenda. But either way,
#45
⇓
it-it doesn't matter. The point is,
#46
⇓
what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,
#47
⇓
and I think it's a great idea. I think, I think it's long overdue.
#48
⇓
Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,
#49
⇓
can we at least make sure she's competent?
#50
⇓
Competent?
#51
⇓
A monkey could do Dee's job.
#52
⇓
A monkey could.
#53
⇓
Terrific. Thanks for coming in.
#54
⇓
- All right. - Move. Move.
#55
⇓
Not gonna get it. No. Give me a break. Move.
#56
⇓
- What is... - You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.
#57
⇓
You listen to me.
#58
⇓
Because I have been listening to you for long enough.
#59
⇓
- I'm sorry... Who are you? - No, no, no.
#60
⇓
This can't be happening. This can't be happening, I'm too young.
#61
⇓
Why are you doing this to me? Why? I-I... No. I don't want to change.
#62
⇓
Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.
#63
⇓
- You have to-- - Oh, God, it's so hot.
#64
⇓
Why is it always so goddamn hot? Somebody ought to crack a window.
#65
⇓
No, I-I-I need more time. I had it all planned out.
#66
⇓
It was perfect, and this is just too soon!
#67
⇓
Oh, God!
#68
⇓
And that's the scene.
#69
⇓
Yes, I'm aware.
#70
⇓
I'm done. I was in character before, but I'm me now,
#71
⇓
so you can tell me how good I was.
#72
⇓
Okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.
#73
⇓
You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...
#74
⇓
Plus, I do feel like that's what the character would have done,
#75
⇓
and I've been in character all day.
#76
⇓
As a matter of fact, don't want to brag, but I've been in character all week.
#77
⇓
Okay, well, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...
#78
⇓
Come on, man! No, I've been coming here for years,
#79
⇓
and you never put me past you to the director.
#80
⇓
Well, listen, we have... A lot of people are going to be reading for this role.
#81
⇓
No! I'm gonna see the director.
#82
⇓
You're gonna put me through to the director,
#83
⇓
that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.
#84
⇓
I deserve it. I am a trained actor.
#85
⇓
Okay? I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes,
#86
⇓
and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?
#87
⇓
That all that money was just a waste?
#88
⇓
Well, not for your acting teacher.
#89
⇓
Hmm?
#90
⇓
You know, guys, it occurs to me that, with this new employee,
#91
⇓
we could be looking at a lot less work and a lot more available time.
#92
⇓
Perhaps we should consider a vacation.
#93
⇓
Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.
#94
⇓
I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable
#95
⇓
with the idea of travel lately, like...
#96
⇓
Check this out, did you guys know that
#97
⇓
Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?
#98
⇓
- Yes. - Yeah.
#99
⇓
No, think about that, though, that's crazy.
#100
⇓
Like, two cities in one state?
#101
⇓
- No, that's-that's not crazy. - No. No, not at all.
#102
⇓
No, no, no.
#103
⇓
All right, I don't think you understand.
#104
⇓
There's two cities in the same state, like, how is that even possible?
#105
⇓
All states have more than one city.
#106
⇓
That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.
#107
⇓
Mmm... No.
#108
⇓
- Yes. - There's... No.
#109
⇓
- Yes. - There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
#110
⇓
Yes.
#111
⇓
So, that's what Pennsylvania is.
#112
⇓
- Oh, no. - No.
#113
⇓
Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?
#114
⇓
- No. - No.
#115
⇓
No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania...
#116
⇓
- What is this man talking about? - I...
#117
⇓
I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly
#118
⇓
going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?
#119
⇓
- No. - Explain this to me.
#120
⇓
Oh! I understand. I think I understand...
#121
⇓
- Really? - Finally, somebody gets it.
#122
⇓
He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.
#123
⇓
- Yeah. Well, yeah. - He wants to go somewhere exotic.
#124
⇓
- Yes. - He wants to go to Fire Island.
#125
⇓
He wants to go to Greece.
#126
⇓
- He wants to experiment. - No. That's not what I'm saying, no.
#127
⇓
- He wants to try new things. - That is not what he said.
#128
⇓
- Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh. - 'Cause we're already there.
#129
⇓
We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel...
#130
⇓
I... This-this is not easy.
#131
⇓
Hey-o. Check it out.
#132
⇓
What the hell is this?
#133
⇓
It's Dee's replacement.
#134
⇓
Why did you get a monkey?
#135
⇓
Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.
#136
⇓
We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,
#137
⇓
so I got a monkey instead.
#138
⇓
It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.
#139
⇓
Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.
#140
⇓
We need an actual person.
#141
⇓
Oh, yeah? Check this out.
#142
⇓
Monkey, beer.
#143
⇓
See? Great, huh?
#144
⇓
No! No, not great. Ridiculous.
#145
⇓
You think a monkey can run a bar?
#146
⇓
Run a bar?
#147
⇓
I thought it was just to do Dee's job.
#148
⇓
Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar
#149
⇓
- 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. - Right.
#150
⇓
- Ooh, vacation? - Mmm-hmm.
#151
⇓
- Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? - Ah.
#152
⇓
What is with you guys and Pittsburgh? Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.
#153
⇓
If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.
#154
⇓
Yeah, thanks.
#155
⇓
I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,
#156
⇓
and you guys want to go to the second-best city
#157
⇓
in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.
#158
⇓
Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?
#159
⇓
Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.
#160
⇓
Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?
#161
⇓
Whoa, hang on a second now.
#162
⇓
That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?
#163
⇓
Beats me.
#164
⇓
Okay, well, it's very, very delicious.
#165
⇓
What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?
#166
⇓
He some kind of mixologist?
#167
⇓
He used to work in the movies.
#168
⇓
He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.
#169
⇓
Rumor has it that he also did a short stint
#170
⇓
making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.
#171
⇓
- Wow. - Okay, okay. Interesting.
#172
⇓
- You know those were stiff. - Yeah.
#173
⇓
Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person
#174
⇓
to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,
#175
⇓
you know, but while we're landing on where exactly to go, let's, uh...
#176
⇓
Mmm!
#177
⇓
Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is
#178
⇓
the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.
#179
⇓
Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.
#180
⇓
- You guys got to try this. - Really?
#181
⇓
- I bet, yeah. - Monkey.
#182
⇓
- Three more. - Yeah. All right.
#183
⇓
Look at that.
#184
⇓
Hello. Good afternoon.
#185
⇓
I'm Deandra Reynolds,
#186
⇓
and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.
#187
⇓
For starters...
#188
⇓
I don't have a limp.
#189
⇓
Right?
#190
⇓
Don't be shy.
#191
⇓
Thank you.
#192
⇓
Thank you so much. Thank you.
#193
⇓
Oh, here's the thing.
#194
⇓
The first order of business, and perhaps the most important thing,
#195
⇓
is payment.
#196
⇓
Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash or cashier's check?
#197
⇓
Okay, good. Great.
#198
⇓
Great, wonderful. Okay, well, let's get started.
#199
⇓
Chain saw, avocado, marlin.
#200
⇓
- What'd I just say? You. - Um...
#201
⇓
Chain saw, avocado, marlin?
#202
⇓
Right!
#203
⇓
Which is wrong.
#204
⇓
You just violated the first rule of acting.
#205
⇓
You listened.
#206
⇓
When you are listening, you are not talking,
#207
⇓
and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.
#208
⇓
You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?
#209
⇓
An extra.
#210
⇓
Which brings me to rule number two.
#211
⇓
Acting is...
#212
⇓
Oh, um... Reacting.
#213
⇓
Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.
#214
⇓
Think about it.
#215
⇓
Ignore reality.
#216
⇓
You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.
#217
⇓
Ignore your scene partner
#218
⇓
because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.
#219
⇓
And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?
#220
⇓
You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?
#221
⇓
Any questions?
#222
⇓
No! Put your hands down!
#223
⇓
No.
#224
⇓
Don't ask questions.
#225
⇓
That shows you don't know something,
#226
⇓
which makes you look weak.
#227
⇓
Got it?
#228
⇓
Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,
#229
⇓
it's pretty important to me, okay? 'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,
#230
⇓
you're not walking out of here without the payment.
#231
⇓
Oh, my God, Charlie, we're not going to Scranton.
#232
⇓
All right, fine. What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?
#233
⇓
Altoona? You know...
#234
⇓
Okay, will you at least consider going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?
#235
⇓
All those cities are in Pennsylvania?
#236
⇓
Are you kidding me? Like, you don't want to know--
#237
⇓
Thank you, monkey. You don't want to know, like,
#238
⇓
how this shit works, man?
#239
⇓
No. I don't want to find out how zoning districts work.
#240
⇓
I don't care about that. Thank you, monkey.
#241
⇓
I want to go somewhere exotic.
#242
⇓
Baltimore?
#243
⇓
- Baltimore is not exotic, Frank. - No.
#244
⇓
I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore
#245
⇓
that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey.
#246
⇓
You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.
#247
⇓
Regardless of where we decide to go, we're taking this goddamn monkey
#248
⇓
- because I love this guy. I love him. - Oh, yeah.
#249
⇓
It would be great if we could hire more monkeys
#250
⇓
to do our job for us while we're gone.
#251
⇓
Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar, you know what I mean?
#252
⇓
Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?
#253
⇓
- Yeah. - Yeah, because Hollywood decided
#254
⇓
you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.
#255
⇓
- Are you seriously... - You can't beat monkeys?
#256
⇓
- No, you can't. - At all?
#257
⇓
Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore
#258
⇓
- 'cause of these snowflakes? - Not allowed to do it no more.
#259
⇓
- These Hollywood... - Oh, my God.
#260
⇓
I do have to admit, though, it is a little disappointing
#261
⇓
to discover that a team of primates could do our jobs for us, but...
#262
⇓
I'm gonna blow past it
#263
⇓
because I really do want to come up with a vacation spot for us, you know?
#264
⇓
So, here's what I'm thinking, guys. Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?
#265
⇓
Grab a napkin.
#266
⇓
And, uh, everybody write down a destination on the napkin,
#267
⇓
and then we'll put that destination in this bowl right here,
#268
⇓
I'll pick one out,
#269
⇓
and that way not one of us decides, but we let fate take over.
#270
⇓
- What do you guys think about that plan? - Okay.
#271
⇓
I didn't say that
#272
⇓
- I don't love you. - Then what is it?
#273
⇓
Is it my gang ties? Because I don't need that shit.
#274
⇓
I'll leave it all behind.
#275
⇓
Just tell me what's wrong.
#276
⇓
The baby.
#277
⇓
It's not yours. It's my...
#278
⇓
my...
#279
⇓
- my father's. - Bigger.
#280
⇓
- My father's! - Louder.
#281
⇓
- My father's! - Yes!
#282
⇓
Good. Now you go.
#283
⇓
- Your father's? - Louder.
#284
⇓
Your father's?
#285
⇓
Okay! Now, this is what I'm talking about.
#286
⇓
Nice work. Do you all see that?
#287
⇓
Goddamn, that's what I want. I want to be able
#288
⇓
to see your performance from the fucking moon.
#289
⇓
Guys, the louder you are,
#290
⇓
the more people have to pay attention to you.
#291
⇓
Yeah, I-I don't understand the script.
#292
⇓
What movie did you say this was from?
#293
⇓
I didn't. I wrote it.
#294
⇓
It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.
#295
⇓
Oh. Are you gonna write all the scenes?
#296
⇓
Well, there you go asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.
#297
⇓
Kiki, how does that make him seem to you?
#298
⇓
Um... Weak?
#299
⇓
Weak! Good. Very good.
#300
⇓
Now, you, Kiki, you're really getting this.
#301
⇓
But did you feel that?
#302
⇓
Did you feel how he went from, like, a hot stud you'd like to bang
#303
⇓
to a weak little bitch right before your eyes? Right?
#304
⇓
I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,
#305
⇓
but that's between him and me.
#306
⇓
Tony, see me after class.
#307
⇓
Um... Okay.
#308
⇓
Wrong! Wrong! Okay.
#309
⇓
People in power will try and bang you.
#310
⇓
Now, sometimes it will be necessary to get the part,
#311
⇓
but assess the situation.
#312
⇓
Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?
#313
⇓
Tony, do see me after class.
#314
⇓
And the place that we're going to is...
#315
⇓
Yell... Yellow?
#316
⇓
What is, what is this? Who, who wrote this?
#317
⇓
Me. Yeah.
#318
⇓
Were you trying to say Yellowstone or...
#319
⇓
Uh... No. Just yellow.
#320
⇓
- Just yellow? Just the color yellow? - Well, I panicked.
#321
⇓
You know, you were shooting down all the other places
#322
⇓
I've been naming, so I-I couldn't think of something.
#323
⇓
Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place, you idiot, so...
#324
⇓
We're gonna try this again.
#325
⇓
Next place I pick out, that's where we're gonna go.
#326
⇓
Mmm-hmm.
#327
⇓
Purple.
#328
⇓
What is happening?
#329
⇓
That was me. Yeah, I did purple.
#330
⇓
- You did purple? - Yeah, I...
#331
⇓
- Two of you wrote colors? - Okay, so you thought of a color, too?
#332
⇓
I didn't understand the assignment either.
#333
⇓
- It-it was not clear. - I said write down a destination,
#334
⇓
- and two people wrote down colors? - We're sorry, we're sorry.
#335
⇓
- I don't understand... - I like purple.
#336
⇓
I like purple, too, Frank. That's why I wrote it down.
#337
⇓
Well, maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.
#338
⇓
Go where? Purple? That's not a place!
#339
⇓
- That... All right, you know... - Okay, you're right.
#340
⇓
I think, these beers are a little strong.
#341
⇓
- Are you drunk? - I... these beers are a little strong.
#342
⇓
I will admit that the beers are also stronger
#343
⇓
- than I was anticipating. - I like this beer.
#344
⇓
You know what, guys?
#345
⇓
- I'm having a lot of fun here. - Mmm-hmm.
#346
⇓
But I do want to figure this out, so, new plan.
#347
⇓
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
#348
⇓
Instead of writing down places,
#349
⇓
why don't we write down... keywords?
#350
⇓
Or phrases, you know?
#351
⇓
Let's go with our instincts, you know?
#352
⇓
Whatever we want to feel, what-whatever we want to experience
#353
⇓
on the vacation, okay?
#354
⇓
And then we'll put it up on a board.
#355
⇓
We'll look at it all together and then maybe
#356
⇓
the destination will just reveal itself to us.
#357
⇓
And... we can drink more monkey beer.
#358
⇓
Yeah.
#359
⇓
- Monkey! - We'll drink monkey beer while doing it.
#360
⇓
- Monkey. - Four more monkey beers, monkey.
#361
⇓
- Monkey, monkey, monkey beer! - Monkey! Four more!
#362
⇓
Ms. Reynolds, can I talk to you for a second?
#363
⇓
Oh, God, what's this? Listen, if you don't have the cash,
#364
⇓
you're gonna want to borrow it from, like, an uncle or a friend
#365
⇓
or something 'cause I don't make exceptions.
#366
⇓
No. It's, uh, it's not the money. Um...
#367
⇓
I just wanted to say... thank you.
#368
⇓
It feels so good to be seen like that.
#369
⇓
My parents don't really believe in me, so...
#370
⇓
Wait, wait, wait. Stop talking.
#371
⇓
Holy shit.
#372
⇓
You're making me realize something here.
#373
⇓
Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.
#374
⇓
What?
#375
⇓
Well, what I mean is, I-I was just able to give you something
#376
⇓
your parents never did, and all-all I had to do was...
#377
⇓
toss you a single compliment.
#378
⇓
I can control you.
#379
⇓
I can make you feel however I want you to feel,
#380
⇓
which will help you be a better actor.
#381
⇓
- Oh, I do want to be a better... - Shh. I'm not done.
#382
⇓
Oh, that's real power.
#383
⇓
Way more power than just acting, and I think that's what it was
#384
⇓
probably all about for me, you know?
#385
⇓
I just... I was searching for a sense of control.
#386
⇓
Oh, Kiki, you were...
#387
⇓
terrible.
#388
⇓
Wait, I-I was?
#389
⇓
No. No.
#390
⇓
I'm kidding.
#391
⇓
You were amazing.
#392
⇓
And you're going to make it.
#393
⇓
I believe in you.
#394
⇓
Oh, you do?
#395
⇓
Maybe.
#396
⇓
I'm not going to tell you right now.
#397
⇓
But yes.
#398
⇓
Oh, my God! This is...
#399
⇓
This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.
#400
⇓
I'm going to be there for you.
#401
⇓
I'm going to be the mother and father that you never had.
#402
⇓
I'm only going to take 35% of all your future earnings,
#403
⇓
and I will never, never
#404
⇓
turn my back on you, do you understand?
#405
⇓
- Yes. - Because you...
#406
⇓
Can you give me one second?
#407
⇓
My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket.
#408
⇓
One sec. Hello?
#409
⇓
No! I'm gonna see the director.
#410
⇓
Hi, yes. Is this Deandra Reynolds?
#411
⇓
- Yup. - Right. Well,
#412
⇓
I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this...
#413
⇓
- Faster. - What?
#414
⇓
Faster.
#415
⇓
Right. Brilliant.
#416
⇓
Well, I am the director of the TV show
#417
⇓
that you crashed the audition on the other day,
#418
⇓
and we have a role that...
#419
⇓
Slower.
#420
⇓
All right. Um...
#421
⇓
Well, as I was saying, I am...
#422
⇓
the director...
#423
⇓
Too slow. Don't start over.
#424
⇓
Okay.
#425
⇓
Well, I saw your tape,
#426
⇓
and, based on what I saw, and this conversation,
#427
⇓
I think we have a part that might be right for you.
#428
⇓
Stop.
#429
⇓
Attention, everyone.
#430
⇓
Dee Reynolds Acting School is officially closed.
#431
⇓
And I'm sorry, there will be no return on investments,
#432
⇓
but it was in the fine print. Have a wonderful afternoon.
#433
⇓
Continue.
#434
⇓
Oh, my God.
#435
⇓
Oh, guys.
#436
⇓
What the hell is happening?
#437
⇓
Guys, wake up.
#438
⇓
Wake...
#439
⇓
Wha...
#440
⇓
Oh, my God. My head is killing me.
#441
⇓
Oh, dude. I am very hungover. I do not feel good.
#442
⇓
Charlie, you're full of scratches.
#443
⇓
So are you.
#444
⇓
- Wait, I got scratches, too. - Oh, shit.
#445
⇓
Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.
#446
⇓
Is that shit on the bar?
#447
⇓
What-what is that...
#448
⇓
sour, salty taste in my mouth? Do you guys have that?
#449
⇓
- Yeah, I got that. - Yes. Yes, I have that.
#450
⇓
- What is that? - Yeah, it's real bad.
#451
⇓
- Guys... - Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.
#452
⇓
I think we've been outsmarted.
#453
⇓
- What? - Huh?
#454
⇓
The monkey got us drunk,
#455
⇓
assaulted us,
#456
⇓
robbed the bar,
#457
⇓
and possibly fucked our mouths.
#458
⇓
- Oh, God! - Yeah, he did. That is what happened.
#459
⇓
Yeah, the guy who sold him to me
#460
⇓
did say something like this could happen.
#461
⇓
- He did? - Yeah.
#462
⇓
Apparently, the monkey's grandfather was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey,
#463
⇓
and you know how these things go. These monkeys are passed down
#464
⇓
from one Hollywood creep to the next,
#465
⇓
until, eventually,
#466
⇓
they wind up under a bridge in Philly
#467
⇓
getting drunk and pulling scams.
#468
⇓
- Oh! Goddamn. All right. - What?
#469
⇓
All right, all right, we got to think about this. All right,
#470
⇓
so let's not take the monkey on our vacation.
#471
⇓
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
#472
⇓
The vacation. I think we landed on a vacation destination last night.
#473
⇓
- Yeah, we did, we did. Look, look, look. - Oh, look at the board.
#474
⇓
- We did? - Yeah. We got something on here.
#475
⇓
Let's, um...
#476
⇓
Okay, should we see where we're going?
#477
⇓
- Yeah, where are we going? - Where we going? Where we going?
#478
⇓
All right, here we go...
#479
⇓
"Monkey Beer Island of green and fight."
#480
⇓
- Goddamn it. - That's not a place.
#481
⇓
- That's not a place? - No, it's not!
#482
⇓
No, it's not a goddamn place. You know what this is?
#483
⇓
This is the ramblings of four men who got very, very drunk last night
#484
⇓
on a mystery concoction invented by a wild animal.
#485
⇓
- Why can't we just be normal? - That is what it is.
#486
⇓
That's so weird.
#487
⇓
- Why would we do that? - Because the monkey beers
#488
⇓
were so delicious.
#489
⇓
All right? That-that monkey may have been a pervert,
#490
⇓
but he was also a genius, which is often the case in Hollywood.
#491
⇓
You know what I'm thinking? 'Cause I'm seeing a lot
#492
⇓
of empty whiskey bottles around,
#493
⇓
I'm thinking maybe that monkey was just pouring, like,
#494
⇓
half a bottle of whiskey in each beer.
#495
⇓
- You know? - That could be.
#496
⇓
Based on my hangover, I think that's what I'm feeling.
#497
⇓
- Goddamn it. - That tracks, that tracks.
#498
⇓
So, monkey beer is just whiskey...
#499
⇓
Whiskey-beer, yeah. ...beer?
#500
⇓
So...
#501
⇓
"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."
#502
⇓
- We're nowhere. We're nowhere. - Hey-o!
#503
⇓
Whoa, what the hell happened...
#504
⇓
You know what? Don't care.
#505
⇓
Do not even care 'cause guess what, dick nips.
#506
⇓
This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig.
#507
⇓
Why don't you feast your eyes on "Obnoxious American MILF #1"?
#508
⇓
In your faces. That's right.
#509
⇓
And guess what. I leave tomorrow morning
#510
⇓
at 6:30 a.m. on a first-class flight
#511
⇓
'cause it shoots in Ireland, baby.
#512
⇓
Yeah!
#513
⇓
Body slam!
#514
⇓
- I mean, she... She comes in screaming. - That was the worst.
#515
⇓
- Screaming. - Cackling like a witch.
#516
⇓
Just screaming and screeching, like...
#517
⇓
Oh, my God.
#518
⇓
Oh, my God.
#519
⇓
- What? What is it? - I don't know.
#520
⇓
- I don't know. - You don't know?
#521
⇓
- Right? It wasn't clear. - Frank looked at me...
#522
⇓
Why did you guys act like you knew what it was, then?
#523
⇓
I don't know. We were all getting excited together.
#524
⇓
- I was excited... - And, yeah...
#525
⇓
Goddamn it. Frank, you tell them what it is.
#526
⇓
Yeah, what is it?
#527
⇓
I don't know what it is.
#528
⇓
- You don't... - Okay, yeah, we don't know...
#529
⇓
- We don't know what it is. - Guys, guys.
#530
⇓
"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."
#531
⇓
That's Ireland.
#532
⇓
Goddamn, you guys.
#533
⇓
What is this delicious drink? This is good.
#534
⇓
I was gonna go home and get some sleep,
#535
⇓
but I might have to get a couple soda pops in first,
#536
⇓
you know what I mean? Nice job.
#537
⇓
Mmm. Mmm!
#538
⇓
Ooh. Wow.
#539
⇓
Is that poop?
#540
⇓
No.
#541
⇓
No, no. This can't be happening.
#542
⇓
I-I-I'm too young.
#543
⇓
No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.
#544
⇓
I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.
#545
⇓
It's always so goddamn hot.
#546
⇓
Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.
#547
⇓
It's all happening too fast.
#548
⇓
I had plans, and they were perfect plans.
#549
⇓
This is just all too soon!
#550
⇓
What the hell was that about?
#551
⇓
I'll tell you what that was about. Menopause.
#552
⇓
- What? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
#553
⇓
- Menopause? - Oh, for real?
#554
⇓
I went through the same thing with Barbara.
#555
⇓
Overnight, she became completely irrational
#556
⇓
with the hot flashes and the mood swings.
#557
⇓
And the paranoia, oh, that was the worst.
#558
⇓
Always accusing me of having affairs.
#559
⇓
Hmm. Right. But you were having affairs.
#560
⇓
Yeah, but it was a real headache, and you can't have that around here.
#561
⇓
I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,
#562
⇓
you know, I slept with Dee that one time, but, like,
#563
⇓
I'm, like, sick of looking at her.
#564
⇓
- I, too. - You know? Is it just me?
#565
⇓
- No. - Okay.
#566
⇓
- No. - No.
#567
⇓
- It's not just you. - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not trying
#568
⇓
to be mean, it's not personal.
#569
⇓
You're just being honest about how you feel.
#570
⇓
- Yeah. - Also, there's a smell.
#571
⇓
- Okay. - There's a smell, yeah.
#572
⇓
And a lot of women have this,
#573
⇓
and it makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't want to be around it,
#574
⇓
and I think that's what you're saying.
#575
⇓
Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,
#576
⇓
but, no, I'm just saying, like...
#577
⇓
I feel a lot of tension in the workplace 'cause we slept together, you know?
#578
⇓
Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.
#579
⇓
Okay, I can see that.
#580
⇓
We can legally fire her
#581
⇓
and bring in whichever man we want.
#582
⇓
Oh, okay.
#583
⇓
I see... I see where you're going with that.
#584
⇓
Yeah, he's got an agenda. But either way,
#585
⇓
it-it doesn't matter. The point is,
#586
⇓
what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,
#587
⇓
and I think it's a great idea. I think, I think it's long overdue.
#588
⇓
Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,
#589
⇓
can we at least make sure she's competent?
#590
⇓
Competent?
#591
⇓
A monkey could do Dee's job.
#592
⇓
A monkey could.
#593
⇓
Terrific. Thanks for coming in.
#594
⇓
- All right. - Move. Move.
#595
⇓
Not gonna get it. No. Give me a break. Move.
#596
⇓
- What is... - You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.
#597
⇓
You listen to me.
#598
⇓
Because I have been listening to you for long enough.
#599
⇓
- I'm sorry... Who are you? - No, no, no.
#600
⇓
This can't be happening. This can't be happening, I'm too young.
#601
⇓
Why are you doing this to me? Why? I-I... No. I don't want to change.
#602
⇓
Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.
#603
⇓
- You have to-- - Oh, God, it's so hot.
#604
⇓
Why is it always so goddamn hot? Somebody ought to crack a window.
#605
⇓
No, I-I-I need more time. I had it all planned out.
#606
⇓
It was perfect, and this is just too soon!
#607
⇓
Oh, God!
#608
⇓
And that's the scene.
#609
⇓
Yes, I'm aware.
#610
⇓
I'm done. I was in character before, but I'm me now,
#611
⇓
so you can tell me how good I was.
#612
⇓
Okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.
#613
⇓
You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...
#614
⇓
Plus, I do feel like that's what the character would have done,
#615
⇓
and I've been in character all day.
#616
⇓
As a matter of fact, don't want to brag, but I've been in character all week.
#617
⇓
Okay, well, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...
#618
⇓
Come on, man! No, I've been coming here for years,
#619
⇓
and you never put me past you to the director.
#620
⇓
Well, listen, we have... A lot of people are going to be reading for this role.
#621
⇓
No! I'm gonna see the director.
#622
⇓
You're gonna put me through to the director,
#623
⇓
that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.
#624
⇓
I deserve it. I am a trained actor.
#625
⇓
Okay? I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes,
#626
⇓
and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?
#627
⇓
That all that money was just a waste?
#628
⇓
Well, not for your acting teacher.
#629
⇓
Hmm?
#630
⇓
You know, guys, it occurs to me that, with this new employee,
#631
⇓
we could be looking at a lot less work and a lot more available time.
#632
⇓
Perhaps we should consider a vacation.
#633
⇓
Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.
#634
⇓
I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable
#635
⇓
with the idea of travel lately, like...
#636
⇓
Check this out, did you guys know that
#637
⇓
Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?
#638
⇓
- Yes. - Yeah.
#639
⇓
No, think about that, though, that's crazy.
#640
⇓
Like, two cities in one state?
#641
⇓
- No, that's-that's not crazy. - No. No, not at all.
#642
⇓
No, no, no.
#643
⇓
All right, I don't think you understand.
#644
⇓
There's two cities in the same state, like, how is that even possible?
#645
⇓
All states have more than one city.
#646
⇓
That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.
#647
⇓
Mmm... No.
#648
⇓
- Yes. - There's... No.
#649
⇓
- Yes. - There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
#650
⇓
Yes.
#651
⇓
So, that's what Pennsylvania is.
#652
⇓
- Oh, no. - No.
#653
⇓
Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?
#654
⇓
- No. - No.
#655
⇓
No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania...
#656
⇓
- What is this man talking about? - I...
#657
⇓
I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly
#658
⇓
going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?
#659
⇓
- No. - Explain this to me.
#660
⇓
Oh! I understand. I think I understand...
#661
⇓
- Really? - Finally, somebody gets it.
#662
⇓
He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.
#663
⇓
- Yeah. Well, yeah. - He wants to go somewhere exotic.
#664
⇓
- Yes. - He wants to go to Fire Island.
#665
⇓
He wants to go to Greece.
#666
⇓
- He wants to experiment. - No. That's not what I'm saying, no.
#667
⇓
- He wants to try new things. - That is not what he said.
#668
⇓
- Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh. - 'Cause we're already there.
#669
⇓
We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel...
#670
⇓
I... This-this is not easy.
#671
⇓
Hey-o. Check it out.
#672
⇓
What the hell is this?
#673
⇓
It's Dee's replacement.
#674
⇓
Why did you get a monkey?
#675
⇓
Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.
#676
⇓
We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,
#677
⇓
so I got a monkey instead.
#678
⇓
It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.
#679
⇓
Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.
#680
⇓
We need an actual person.
#681
⇓
Oh, yeah? Check this out.
#682
⇓
Monkey, beer.
#683
⇓
See? Great, huh?
#684
⇓
No! No, not great. Ridiculous.
#685
⇓
You think a monkey can run a bar?
#686
⇓
Run a bar?
#687
⇓
I thought it was just to do Dee's job.
#688
⇓
Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar
#689
⇓
- 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. - Right.
#690
⇓
- Ooh, vacation? - Mmm-hmm.
#691
⇓
- Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? - Ah.
#692
⇓
What is with you guys and Pittsburgh? Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.
#693
⇓
If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.
#694
⇓
Yeah, thanks.
#695
⇓
I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,
#696
⇓
and you guys want to go to the second-best city
#697
⇓
in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.
#698
⇓
Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?
#699
⇓
Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.
#700
⇓
Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?
#701
⇓
Whoa, hang on a second now.
#702
⇓
That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?
#703
⇓
Beats me.
#704
⇓
Okay, well, it's very, very delicious.
#705
⇓
What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?
#706
⇓
He some kind of mixologist?
#707
⇓
He used to work in the movies.
#708
⇓
He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.
#709
⇓
Rumor has it that he also did a short stint
#710
⇓
making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.
#711
⇓
- Wow. - Okay, okay. Interesting.
#712
⇓
- You know those were stiff. - Yeah.
#713
⇓
Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person
#714
⇓
to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,
#715
⇓
you know, but while we're landing on where exactly to go, let's, uh...
#716
⇓
Mmm!
#717
⇓
Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is
#718
⇓
the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.
#719
⇓
Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.
#720
⇓
- You guys got to try this. - Really?
#721
⇓
- I bet, yeah. - Monkey.
#722
⇓
- Three more. - Yeah. All right.
#723
⇓
Look at that.
#724
⇓
Hello. Good afternoon.
#725
⇓
I'm Deandra Reynolds,
#726
⇓
and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.
#727
⇓
For starters...
#728
⇓
I don't have a limp.
#729
⇓
Right?
#730
⇓
Don't be shy.
#731
⇓
Thank you.
#732
⇓
Thank you so much. Thank you.
#733
⇓
Oh, here's the thing.
#734
⇓
The first order of business, and perhaps the most important thing,
#735
⇓
is payment.
#736
⇓
Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash or cashier's check?
#737
⇓
Okay, good. Great.
#738
⇓
Great, wonderful. Okay, well, let's get started.
#739
⇓
Chain saw, avocado, marlin.
#740
⇓
- What'd I just say? You. - Um...
#741
⇓
Chain saw, avocado, marlin?
#742
⇓
Right!
#743
⇓
Which is wrong.
#744
⇓
You just violated the first rule of acting.
#745
⇓
You listened.
#746
⇓
When you are listening, you are not talking,
#747
⇓
and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.
#748
⇓
You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?
#749
⇓
An extra.
#750
⇓
Which brings me to rule number two.
#751
⇓
Acting is...
#752
⇓
Oh, um... Reacting.
#753
⇓
Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.
#754
⇓
Think about it.
#755
⇓
Ignore reality.
#756
⇓
You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.
#757
⇓
Ignore your scene partner
#758
⇓
because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.
#759
⇓
And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?
#760
⇓
You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?
#761
⇓
Any questions?
#762
⇓
No! Put your hands down!
#763
⇓
No.
#764
⇓
Don't ask questions.
#765
⇓
That shows you don't know something,
#766
⇓
which makes you look weak.
#767
⇓
Got it?
#768
⇓
Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,
#769
⇓
it's pretty important to me, okay? 'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,
#770
⇓
you're not walking out of here without the payment.
#771
⇓
Oh, my God, Charlie, we're not going to Scranton.
#772
⇓
All right, fine. What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?
#773
⇓
Altoona? You know...
#774
⇓
Okay, will you at least consider going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?
#775
⇓
All those cities are in Pennsylvania?
#776
⇓
Are you kidding me? Like, you don't want to know--
#777
⇓
Thank you, monkey. You don't want to know, like,
#778
⇓
how this shit works, man?
#779
⇓
No. I don't want to find out how zoning districts work.
#780
⇓
I don't care about that. Thank you, monkey.
#781
⇓
I want to go somewhere exotic.
#782
⇓
Baltimore?
#783
⇓
- Baltimore is not exotic, Frank. - No.
#784
⇓
I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore
#785
⇓
that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey.
#786
⇓
You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.
#787
⇓
Regardless of where we decide to go, we're taking this goddamn monkey
#788
⇓
- because I love this guy. I love him. - Oh, yeah.
#789
⇓
It would be great if we could hire more monkeys
#790
⇓
to do our job for us while we're gone.
#791
⇓
Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar, you know what I mean?
#792
⇓
Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?
#793
⇓
- Yeah. - Yeah, because Hollywood decided
#794
⇓
you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.
#795
⇓
- Are you seriously... - You can't beat monkeys?
#796
⇓
- No, you can't. - At all?
#797
⇓
Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore
#798
⇓
- 'cause of these snowflakes? - Not allowed to do it no more.
#799
⇓
- These Hollywood... - Oh, my God.
#800
⇓
I do have to admit, though, it is a little disappointing
#801
⇓
to discover that a team of primates could do our jobs for us, but...
#802
⇓
I'm gonna blow past it
#803
⇓
because I really do want to come up with a vacation spot for us, you know?
#804
⇓
So, here's what I'm thinking, guys. Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?
#805
⇓
Grab a napkin.
#806
⇓
And, uh, everybody write down a destination on the napkin,
#807
⇓
and then we'll put that destination in this bowl right here,
#808
⇓
I'll pick one out,
#809
⇓
and that way not one of us decides, but we let fate take over.
#810
⇓
- What do you guys think about that plan? - Okay.
#811
⇓
I didn't say that
#812
⇓
- I don't love you. - Then what is it?
#813
⇓
Is it my gang ties? Because I don't need that shit.
#814
⇓
I'll leave it all behind.
#815
⇓
Just tell me what's wrong.
#816
⇓
The baby.
#817
⇓
It's not yours. It's my...
#818
⇓
my...
#819
⇓
- my father's. - Bigger.
#820
⇓
- My father's! - Louder.
#821
⇓
- My father's! - Yes!
#822
⇓
Good. Now you go.
#823
⇓
- Your father's? - Louder.
#824
⇓
Your father's?
#825
⇓
Okay! Now, this is what I'm talking about.
#826
⇓
Nice work. Do you all see that?
#827
⇓
Goddamn, that's what I want. I want to be able
#828
⇓
to see your performance from the fucking moon.
#829
⇓
Guys, the louder you are,
#830
⇓
the more people have to pay attention to you.
#831
⇓
Yeah, I-I don't understand the script.
#832
⇓
What movie did you say this was from?
#833
⇓
I didn't. I wrote it.
#834
⇓
It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.
#835
⇓
Oh. Are you gonna write all the scenes?
#836
⇓
Well, there you go asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.
#837
⇓
Kiki, how does that make him seem to you?
#838
⇓
Um... Weak?
#839
⇓
Weak! Good. Very good.
#840
⇓
Now, you, Kiki, you're really getting this.
#841
⇓
But did you feel that?
#842
⇓
Did you feel how he went from, like, a hot stud you'd like to bang
#843
⇓
to a weak little bitch right before your eyes? Right?
#844
⇓
I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,
#845
⇓
but that's between him and me.
#846
⇓
Tony, see me after class.
#847
⇓
Um... Okay.
#848
⇓
Wrong! Wrong! Okay.
#849
⇓
People in power will try and bang you.
#850
⇓
Now, sometimes it will be necessary to get the part,
#851
⇓
but assess the situation.
#852
⇓
Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?
#853
⇓
Tony, do see me after class.
#854
⇓
And the place that we're going to is...
#855
⇓
Yell... Yellow?
#856
⇓
What is, what is this? Who, who wrote this?
#857
⇓
Me. Yeah.
#858
⇓
Were you trying to say Yellowstone or...
#859
⇓
Uh... No. Just yellow.
#860
⇓
- Just yellow? Just the color yellow? - Well, I panicked.
#861
⇓
You know, you were shooting down all the other places
#862
⇓
I've been naming, so I-I couldn't think of something.
#863
⇓
Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place, you idiot, so...
#864
⇓
We're gonna try this again.
#865
⇓
Next place I pick out, that's where we're gonna go.
#866
⇓
Mmm-hmm.
#867
⇓
Purple.
#868
⇓
What is happening?
#869
⇓
That was me. Yeah, I did purple.
#870
⇓
- You did purple? - Yeah, I...
#871
⇓
- Two of you wrote colors? - Okay, so you thought of a color, too?
#872
⇓
I didn't understand the assignment either.
#873
⇓
- It-it was not clear. - I said write down a destination,
#874
⇓
- and two people wrote down colors? - We're sorry, we're sorry.
#875
⇓
- I don't understand... - I like purple.
#876
⇓
I like purple, too, Frank. That's why I wrote it down.
#877
⇓
Well, maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.
#878
⇓
Go where? Purple? That's not a place!
#879
⇓
- That... All right, you know... - Okay, you're right.
#880
⇓
I think, these beers are a little strong.
#881
⇓
- Are you drunk? - I... these beers are a little strong.
#882
⇓
I will admit that the beers are also stronger
#883
⇓
- than I was anticipating. - I like this beer.
#884
⇓
You know what, guys?
#885
⇓
- I'm having a lot of fun here. - Mmm-hmm.
#886
⇓
But I do want to figure this out, so, new plan.
#887
⇓
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
#888
⇓
Instead of writing down places,
#889
⇓
why don't we write down... keywords?
#890
⇓
Or phrases, you know?
#891
⇓
Let's go with our instincts, you know?
#892
⇓
Whatever we want to feel, what-whatever we want to experience
#893
⇓
on the vacation, okay?
#894
⇓
And then we'll put it up on a board.
#895
⇓
We'll look at it all together and then maybe
#896
⇓
the destination will just reveal itself to us.
#897
⇓
And... we can drink more monkey beer.
#898
⇓
Yeah.
#899
⇓
- Monkey! - We'll drink monkey beer while doing it.
#900
⇓
- Monkey. - Four more monkey beers, monkey.
#901
⇓
- Monkey, monkey, monkey beer! - Monkey! Four more!
#902
⇓
Ms. Reynolds, can I talk to you for a second?
#903
⇓
Oh, God, what's this? Listen, if you don't have the cash,
#904
⇓
you're gonna want to borrow it from, like, an uncle or a friend
#905
⇓
or something 'cause I don't make exceptions.
#906
⇓
No. It's, uh, it's not the money. Um...
#907
⇓
I just wanted to say... thank you.
#908
⇓
It feels so good to be seen like that.
#909
⇓
My parents don't really believe in me, so...
#910
⇓
Wait, wait, wait. Stop talking.
#911
⇓
Holy shit.
#912
⇓
You're making me realize something here.
#913
⇓
Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.
#914
⇓
What?
#915
⇓
Well, what I mean is, I-I was just able to give you something
#916
⇓
your parents never did, and all-all I had to do was...
#917
⇓
toss you a single compliment.
#918
⇓
I can control you.
#919
⇓
I can make you feel however I want you to feel,
#920
⇓
which will help you be a better actor.
#921
⇓
- Oh, I do want to be a better... - Shh. I'm not done.
#922
⇓
Oh, that's real power.
#923
⇓
Way more power than just acting, and I think that's what it was
#924
⇓
probably all about for me, you know?
#925
⇓
I just... I was searching for a sense of control.
#926
⇓
Oh, Kiki, you were...
#927
⇓
terrible.
#928
⇓
Wait, I-I was?
#929
⇓
No. No.
#930
⇓
I'm kidding.
#931
⇓
You were amazing.
#932
⇓
And you're going to make it.
#933
⇓
I believe in you.
#934
⇓
Oh, you do?
#935
⇓
Maybe.
#936
⇓
I'm not going to tell you right now.
#937
⇓
But yes.
#938
⇓
Oh, my God! This is...
#939
⇓
This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.
#940
⇓
I'm going to be there for you.
#941
⇓
I'm going to be the mother and father that you never had.
#942
⇓
I'm only going to take 35% of all your future earnings,
#943
⇓
and I will never, never
#944
⇓
turn my back on you, do you understand?
#945
⇓
- Yes. - Because you...
#946
⇓
Can you give me one second?
#947
⇓
My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket.
#948
⇓
One sec. Hello?
#949
⇓
No! I'm gonna see the director.
#950
⇓
Hi, yes. Is this Deandra Reynolds?
#951
⇓
- Yup. - Right. Well,
#952
⇓
I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this...
#953
⇓
- Faster. - What?
#954
⇓
Faster.
#955
⇓
Right. Brilliant.
#956
⇓
Well, I am the director of the TV show
#957
⇓
that you crashed the audition on the other day,
#958
⇓
and we have a role that...
#959
⇓
Slower.
#960
⇓
All right. Um...
#961
⇓
Well, as I was saying, I am...
#962
⇓
the director...
#963
⇓
Too slow. Don't start over.
#964
⇓
Okay.
#965
⇓
Well, I saw your tape,
#966
⇓
and, based on what I saw, and this conversation,
#967
⇓
I think we have a part that might be right for you.
#968
⇓
Stop.
#969
⇓
Attention, everyone.
#970
⇓
Dee Reynolds Acting School is officially closed.
#971
⇓
And I'm sorry, there will be no return on investments,
#972
⇓
but it was in the fine print. Have a wonderful afternoon.
#973
⇓
Continue.
#974
⇓
Oh, my God.
#975
⇓
Oh, guys.
#976
⇓
What the hell is happening?
#977
⇓
Guys, wake up.
#978
⇓
Wake...
#979
⇓
Wha...
#980
⇓
Oh, my God. My head is killing me.
#981
⇓
Oh, dude. I am very hungover. I do not feel good.
#982
⇓
Charlie, you're full of scratches.
#983
⇓
So are you.
#984
⇓
- Wait, I got scratches, too. - Oh, shit.
#985
⇓
Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.
#986
⇓
Is that shit on the bar?
#987
⇓
What-what is that...
#988
⇓
sour, salty taste in my mouth? Do you guys have that?
#989
⇓
- Yeah, I got that. - Yes. Yes, I have that.
#990
⇓
- What is that? - Yeah, it's real bad.
#991
⇓
- Guys... - Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.
#992
⇓
I think we've been outsmarted.
#993
⇓
- What? - Huh?
#994
⇓
The monkey got us drunk,
#995
⇓
assaulted us,
#996
⇓
robbed the bar,
#997
⇓
and possibly fucked our mouths.
#998
⇓
- Oh, God! - Yeah, he did. That is what happened.
#999
⇓
Yeah, the guy who sold him to me
#1000
⇓
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