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» S01E05 — The Haunting of Bill Crouse
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Season 1, Episode 5 — The Haunting of Bill Crouse
The Haunting of Bill Crouse
#1
⇓
OK.
#2
⇓
Here we go.
#3
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Sit properly?
#4
⇓
Cheers.
#5
⇓
Bill?
#6
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Mick Hucknall.
#7
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Hey, this is fun.
#8
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– It's been a good night so far. – Yes, it's been really good, yeah.
#9
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Yeah, I'll be honest, when Julie suggested
#10
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we get together, I was like no.
#11
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you know, I get set up a lot
#12
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by friends, and it never works out.
#13
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Tell me about it. Me too.
#14
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You know, I hate dates usually.
#15
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They should call dates "Spend some time with a big fat loser!"
#16
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But this has been brilliant.
#17
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Hey...
#18
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I was thinking, afterwards,
#19
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maybe you'd like to
#20
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come back to my place?
#21
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We could listen to the new Jamie Cullum album.
#22
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Maybe, yeah!
#23
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Yeah, yeah, that'd be... really nice actually.
#24
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Great.
#25
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Let me guess...
#26
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You're a...
#27
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red wine person?
#28
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Yes, yes I am!
#29
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I would be too, if we could get some service round here!
#30
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Yeah, you, Hucknall.
#31
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When you, when you Simply Ready?
#32
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Unbelievable.
#33
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Oh, I should say, um,
#34
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I don't really like sharing.
#35
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So you get what you want, I'll get what I want
#36
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we leave it at that. I just think it's a lot less confusing.
#37
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Sure, sure.
#38
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– Did you say Jamie Cullum? – Yeah.
#39
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I hate Jamie Cullum.
#40
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Oh, and, just to say,
#41
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"I don't really like sharing."
#42
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With the rising inflection and everything.
#43
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In a tapas restaurant, he doesn't like sharing.
#44
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What the heck is tapas?
#45
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You know, tapas,
#46
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– tiny food from Spain. – Oh, yes.
#47
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– Teipas. – Yeah, that's no how you say it.
#48
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Yes it is.
#49
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You're a teipas.
#50
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What else? What else?
#51
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What else?
#52
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Oh God, you should have seen him with the waiters.
#53
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– Rude? – Unbelievable!
#54
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Oh yeah, I used to work as a waiter.
#55
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If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
#56
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Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?
#57
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No, after.
#58
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Of course before! Why would I do it after?
#59
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Do you think they did that to him?
#60
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Okay, well. While he was eating,
#61
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did you ear anyone laughing?
#62
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Like... in the kitchen area.
#63
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Yes!
#64
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Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
#65
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That'll be trouser food.
#66
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– Oh God! – Yeah.
#67
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Probably a good thing you weren't sharing.
#68
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My God!
#69
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I could have saved you the trouble.
#70
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That guy is famous, he's a mouth.
#71
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They call him "The News"
#72
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because he was always talking about who he slept with.
#73
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I would honestly rather sleep with a rat.
#74
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Literally.
#75
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The thing I cannot understand yet, this:
#76
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this is a man Julie on 5th thinks is perfect for me,
#77
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I mean what was she thinking?
#78
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Wait a second.
#79
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– Who do you know on 5th? – Why?
#80
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What was the name, was it Judy or Julie?
#81
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Why do you need to know?
#82
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No reason.
#83
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Lots of nice looking girls on fifth.
#84
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Looking for an in, aren't we?
#85
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An in? No!
#86
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Thank you, no.
#87
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Don't use my name to start leching around on 5th.
#88
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For your information, I do not lech
#89
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I have a little more class than that, thank you very much.
#90
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– Post. – Thank you.
#91
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Oh no, this is wrong.
#92
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A lingerie catalogue for a Cathy Morgan Foreman.
#93
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I'll make sure that Cathy gets it.
#94
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Cathy Morgan Foreman, who is Cathy Morgan Foreman?
#95
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Cathy works in...
#96
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Cathy works in the department of Shulupust.
#97
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– Department of what? – Oh excuse me, that's my phone ringing.
#98
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– I didn't hear anything? – It's on vibrate.
#99
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Hello?
#100
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Hello, Cathy!
#101
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Yes, you parcel did arrive, I'm keeping it here safe for you.
#102
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No problem at all Cathy Morgan Foreman.
#103
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If he comes by...
#104
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Right. If who comes by?
#105
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The News.
#106
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Yes, right?
#107
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If he calls,
#108
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just tell him something.
#109
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– Leave it with me! – Great!
#110
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Although I should just say I'm not very good at lying.
#111
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I'm very good at lying.
#112
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I thought you were on the phone!
#113
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Yeah, I am.
#114
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Yes, that's fine.
#115
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Hello?
#116
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Listen Moss, you're not going to Court, yeah?
#117
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Just tell him something.
#118
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It's just... I've never been very good at judging the scale
#119
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– of the lie... – Yes, stop over thinking everything.
#120
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– I couldn’t do it when I was a child, – You're getting yourself in a tease,
#121
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I told a whopper and...
#122
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Just tell him I'm busy!
#123
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You're busy!
#124
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That's brilliant!
#125
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Just don't let him in here under any circumstances.
#126
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No!
#127
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You're busy!
#128
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Hey, um, what was the name of that girl,
#129
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that Jen knows, was it Julie or Judy?
#130
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Yes, one of those.
#131
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Okay, I'm just going to go for a letch on fifth.
#132
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Yes.
#133
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Look! I told you she's busy!
#134
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Hey, back off, bastard! This lady's busy!
#135
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Too busy for you.
#136
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Busy!
#137
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Brilliant!
#138
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– Hello? – Hello!
#139
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I'm just looking for Jen.
#140
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I'm afraid Jen can't see you at the moment.
#141
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She's very busy.
#142
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– Is she? – She's a busy Miss Lizzy!
#143
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Good bye!
#144
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What is she doing?
#145
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She's doing fine.
#146
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Not how is she doing, what is she doing?
#147
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– Is she in here? – No.
#148
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I won't keep her, I want to give her these.
#149
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– Don't give her. – I'll give her these.
#150
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– She won't like them. – She won't mind!
#151
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She will mind.
#152
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It's not a problem. I won't take any time.
#153
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Look, why can't I go in?
#154
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Because she's dead!
#155
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What?
#156
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Yeah, she's dead. She... she died.
#157
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She died last night.
#158
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She died?!
#159
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Yeah!
#160
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Completely.
#161
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Oh God!
#162
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Fuck!
#163
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I just can't believe it!
#164
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Well, I'd hardly make up something like that, would I?
#165
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No, no of course, of course not.
#166
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Oh God!
#167
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Well, she was a bit off at the restaurant.
#168
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I mean...
#169
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Was it the food?
#170
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– The tapas, do they know? – Teipas!
#171
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I don't know.
#172
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Yes it was, why not.
#173
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Oh Jesus!
#174
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I know it's terrible, but,
#175
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thank God, we weren't sharing.
#176
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I just can't get over it.
#177
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Yeah, well,
#178
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we all have to go sometime.
#179
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It's terrible, it's just terrible!
#180
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It's bloody awful!
#181
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She was so beautiful!
#182
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She was some piece of ass.
#183
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Anyhow, can't mourn all the ruddy day, so...
#184
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You know...
#185
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I was the last person to sleep with her.
#186
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– Really? She said that... – What?
#187
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She said she was looking forward to sleeping with you.
#188
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I can't believe he lied like that.
#189
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Doesn't he realise that lying can lead to very serious ramifications?
#190
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Hello?
#191
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Hello!
#192
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I'm Roy!
#193
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I.T.
#194
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My boss has assigned me to any work you might want done...
#195
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personally.
#196
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personal... personally.
#197
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Basically, if you want to
#198
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just take my card.
#199
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And...
#200
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if you need anything done
#201
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to your computer,
#202
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just give me a buzz, on me phone. It's my mobile phone, so
#203
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you won't have to go through all that call waiting...
#204
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Lover.
#205
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Okay, thank you, Roy.
#206
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You're welcome, Judy.
#207
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Oh, I'm not Judy, I'm Julie.
#208
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Judy?
#209
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Someone to see you!
#210
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This man says you should take his card.
#211
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The girl from I.T., that's terrible.
#212
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I know, terrible, terrible thing.
#213
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You know, I was actually the last person to sleep with her.
#214
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Very sudden, yes.
#215
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I heard it was some bad tapas.
#216
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Teipas.
#217
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Yes.
#218
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You must be stunned.
#219
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I'm flabbergasted
#220
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Well, you know where we are if you need us.
#221
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Sure, I'll be fine, thanks.
#222
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Just sort of stay away from this whole area,
#223
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while we come to terms with the loss.
#224
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Leave me now, I would be alone.
#225
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Good lech?
#226
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No!
#227
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The girl, oh my God, the girl, Judy, she's a...
#228
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– Have you seen this girl? – What's she like?
#229
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– Well, she has hair on her eyes. – Who has hair on her eyes?
#230
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– Not you. – No.
#231
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I'm going for a coffee, anyone wants anything?
#232
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No? Okay, bye!
#233
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– Hello? – Hello?
#234
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Hello Judy?
#235
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What can I do for you?
#236
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Computer is broken!
#237
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Is it a PC or a Mac?
#238
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Yes!
#239
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Well, what's wrong with it?
#240
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Broken down!
#241
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Yeah, broken down how, Judy?
#242
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– Big bang noise! – Big bang noise, what...
#243
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What's the precise nature of the problem?
#244
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MIO
#245
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Judy, the battery of my phone is...
#246
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– Look at this. – What?
#247
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How nice is this?
#248
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I just got a big load of flowers,
#249
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and a big card!
#250
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And everyone has signed it!
#251
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"You will always be in our heart!"
#252
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My God! And you said they weren't nice here!
#253
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Yeah.
#254
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I don't understand why they've done this?
#255
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Why?
#256
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I'll tell for why.
#257
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It's because everyone thinks you're brilliant!
#258
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– Really? – Yeah!
#259
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And in fact, everyone thinks you're so brilliant,
#260
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they've just made you Employee of the Month.
#261
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– No? – Yes!
#262
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– No? – Yes!
#263
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– No! – Yaha!
#264
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I don't believe it!
#265
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– Please believe it. – Oh my God!
#266
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I didn't even know they had Employee of the Month here.
#267
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No, they brought it in just for you.
#268
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I'm gonna go up and thank everybody right now.
#269
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No! Don't do that!
#270
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What? Why not?
#271
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They'll be embarrassed.
#272
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It's embarrassing being thanked.
#273
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Don't be silly.
#274
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Events seem to be taking a downward turn.
#275
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I told you, stop calling me at work!
#276
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Nice and beautiful Jen!
#277
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Hello, Small Pall!
#278
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Didn't... Are you... I thought you were sick or something.
#279
⇓
Sick? Me? No!
#280
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I couldn't be better, I've just won Employee of the Month.
#281
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So, um, you're going my way?
#282
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Don't you dare going too fast, no!
#283
⇓
Just...
#284
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hard to get your head round, you know?
#285
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One minute, she's there and
#286
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next minute...
#287
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just gone.
#288
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You know,
#289
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I was the last person that slept with her actually.
#290
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She held on so tightly, you know, it was like...
#291
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scary, but,
#292
⇓
sexy scary, you know, just like...
#293
⇓
Jen?!
#294
⇓
It was her!
#295
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What are you still doing here Bill, for God sake, go home!
#296
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He was the last person to sleep with her.
#297
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I know... Apparently, she was pretty hard stuff!
#298
⇓
Bye, Small Paul!
#299
⇓
Bye Jen, see you.
#300
⇓
Oh dear, oh Lord!
#301
⇓
At this dreadful hour
#302
⇓
we're all reminded how brief our time is here on Earth.
#303
⇓
Sorry, who is it who died?
#304
⇓
I don't know.
#305
⇓
I believe Mr. Renholm has a few words.
#306
⇓
There's one more angel in Heaven.
#307
⇓
God, I miss Jen!
#308
⇓
She reminded me of me, at her age.
#309
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I mean, when I was her age,
#310
⇓
she reminded me of her age.
#311
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She reminded me of my age at her age.
#312
⇓
When I was her age,
#313
⇓
she was reminded of me?
#314
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I truly liked Jen.
#315
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And that en-likening of her became a friendship.
#316
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A friendship which ended so suddenly,
#317
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just twelve hours ago...
#318
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After... what I gather, was a rather sensational evening with Bill Crouse!
#319
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Bill, you dog!
#320
⇓
Where is he?
#321
⇓
Still cleaning himself off.
#322
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She was special.
#323
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So special in fact,
#324
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that when I called my close personal friend
#325
⇓
Elton John and told him about her,
#326
⇓
he dropped everything,
#327
⇓
and offered to come here and perform for us!
#328
⇓
You heard me, he's in the building!
#329
⇓
Elton John is going to sing a beautiful song
#330
⇓
about death.
#331
⇓
Oh my God, this is so...
#332
⇓
so lovely
#333
⇓
Thank you, so, so much!
#334
⇓
Tank you, thank you, oh God!
#335
⇓
Could I, say a few words?
#336
⇓
Oh my God!
#337
⇓
Thank you, so, so much!
#338
⇓
I would...
#339
⇓
I would not be standing up here today
#340
⇓
if it wasn't for so many things but, not least,
#341
⇓
– Without him... – Hey, she isn't dead!
#342
⇓
Yeah!
#343
⇓
You lying cow!
#344
⇓
We want Elton!
#345
⇓
We want Elton! We want Elton! We want Elton!
#346
⇓
Okay!
#347
⇓
If that Judy woman comes down, I don't work here,
#348
⇓
you've never seen me, just make up something,
#349
⇓
just get rid of her!
#350
⇓
She's easy to spot, she's has three rows of teeth.
#351
⇓
Listen, if I needed to get out of the country, very, very cheaply,
#352
⇓
how would I go about doing that?
#353
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Hey you!
#354
⇓
What did you say about me?
#355
⇓
Hello there, Jen!
#356
⇓
I would love to stay and chat,
#357
⇓
but, I've just received a telephone call,
#358
⇓
saying that my father has just killed someone.
#359
⇓
I need to attend to.
#360
⇓
Did you tell everyone I was dead?
#361
⇓
Maybe?
#362
⇓
Because, um,
#363
⇓
they all thought I was dead.
#364
⇓
– I know something. – What? What do you know?
#365
⇓
Bill Crouse, he's saying he slept with you last night.
#366
⇓
He's saying what?
#367
⇓
He think you're dead,
#368
⇓
so he's telling everybody you slept with him.
#369
⇓
He's the one you should be angry at!
#370
⇓
Not me! I'm insignificant!
#371
⇓
Bastard!
#372
⇓
Voicemail!
#373
⇓
Hey!
#374
⇓
It's Jen!
#375
⇓
Stop telling everyone I slept with you!
#376
⇓
You bastard!
#377
⇓
Must have gone home.
#378
⇓
Oh God, my throat hurts.
#379
⇓
Well, it's probably all that shouting.
#380
⇓
I'm talking, aren't I?
#381
⇓
Can you get me his address?
#382
⇓
Yes, it might be a bit difficult.
#383
⇓
I have to hack into his private company account,
#384
⇓
it might take some time.
#385
⇓
There we go.
#386
⇓
Oh, I really don't feel very well.
#387
⇓
Well, you look terrible.
#388
⇓
I'm still talking, aren't I?
#389
⇓
You have one new message.
#390
⇓
Hey!
#391
⇓
It's Jen!
#392
⇓
Stop telling people I slept with you!
#393
⇓
You bastard!
#394
⇓
Where Roy?
#395
⇓
Roy is dead!
#396
⇓
No, no! Don't breakdown!
#397
⇓
Don't break down, you bitch!
#398
⇓
Oh my God, oh my God!
#399
⇓
Bloody hell!
#400
⇓
Why you do that to me when I need this chance?
#401
⇓
Oh for God's sake! Now my car is bloody open
#402
⇓
and I don't know what it means!
#403
⇓
Come on, come on Ritchley... Street, Ritchley Street.
#404
⇓
My God, okay, I'm... Right.
#405
⇓
Probably guys, probably guys,
#406
⇓
leaving message, funny message,
#407
⇓
probably, Bob, it's Bob leaving funny messages.
#408
⇓
And the, the floating head.
#409
⇓
It's all stress,
#410
⇓
a bit stress is all and... just fun and games.
#411
⇓
Oh God!
#412
⇓
Oh God!
#413
⇓
Let me in! Let me in Bill!
#414
⇓
No!
#415
⇓
It's raining! Please, let me in!
#416
⇓
No, you're never coming in!
#417
⇓
Stop telling people I slept with you!
#418
⇓
I will! I will! I'm sorry!
#419
⇓
Bastard!
#420
⇓
You bastard!
#421
⇓
Oh no! I'm sorry!
#422
⇓
You bastard!
#423
⇓
Small Paul, you're gone now.
#424
⇓
You pushed that trolley a little too hard,
#425
⇓
You felt a twinge, it was your heart and you're dead now...
#426
⇓
And now you're running four feet in heaven...
#427
⇓
– Did you know him? – No.
#428
⇓
I don't think that's Elton John.
#429
⇓
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