Home » The IT Crowd » S01E05 — The Haunting of Bill Crouse

The IT Crowd

Season 1, Episode 5 — The Haunting of Bill Crouse

The Haunting of Bill Crouse

#1

⇓

OK.

#2

⇓

Here we go.

#3

⇓

Sit properly?

#4

⇓

Cheers.

#5

⇓

Bill?

#6

⇓

Mick Hucknall.

#7

⇓

Hey, this is fun.

#8

⇓

– It's been a good night so far. – Yes, it's been really good, yeah.

#9

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Yeah, I'll be honest, when Julie suggested

#10

⇓

we get together, I was like no.

#11

⇓

you know, I get set up a lot

#12

⇓

by friends, and it never works out.

#13

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Tell me about it. Me too.

#14

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You know, I hate dates usually.

#15

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They should call dates "Spend some time with a big fat loser!"

#16

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But this has been brilliant.

#17

⇓

Hey...

#18

⇓

I was thinking, afterwards,

#19

⇓

maybe you'd like to

#20

⇓

come back to my place?

#21

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We could listen to the new Jamie Cullum album.

#22

⇓

Maybe, yeah!

#23

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Yeah, yeah, that'd be... really nice actually.

#24

⇓

Great.

#25

⇓

Let me guess...

#26

⇓

You're a...

#27

⇓

red wine person?

#28

⇓

Yes, yes I am!

#29

⇓

I would be too, if we could get some service round here!

#30

⇓

Yeah, you, Hucknall.

#31

⇓

When you, when you Simply Ready?

#32

⇓

Unbelievable.

#33

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Oh, I should say, um,

#34

⇓

I don't really like sharing.

#35

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So you get what you want, I'll get what I want

#36

⇓

we leave it at that. I just think it's a lot less confusing.

#37

⇓

Sure, sure.

#38

⇓

– Did you say Jamie Cullum? – Yeah.

#39

⇓

I hate Jamie Cullum.

#40

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Oh, and, just to say,

#41

⇓

"I don't really like sharing."

#42

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With the rising inflection and everything.

#43

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In a tapas restaurant, he doesn't like sharing.

#44

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What the heck is tapas?

#45

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You know, tapas,

#46

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– tiny food from Spain. – Oh, yes.

#47

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– Teipas. – Yeah, that's no how you say it.

#48

⇓

Yes it is.

#49

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You're a teipas.

#50

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What else? What else?

#51

⇓

What else?

#52

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Oh God, you should have seen him with the waiters.

#53

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– Rude? – Unbelievable!

#54

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Oh yeah, I used to work as a waiter.

#55

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If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

#56

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Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?

#57

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No, after.

#58

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Of course before! Why would I do it after?

#59

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Do you think they did that to him?

#60

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Okay, well. While he was eating,

#61

⇓

did you ear anyone laughing?

#62

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Like... in the kitchen area.

#63

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Yes!

#64

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Yes I did, actually, yes I did.

#65

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That'll be trouser food.

#66

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– Oh God! – Yeah.

#67

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Probably a good thing you weren't sharing.

#68

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My God!

#69

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I could have saved you the trouble.

#70

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That guy is famous, he's a mouth.

#71

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They call him "The News"

#72

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because he was always talking about who he slept with.

#73

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I would honestly rather sleep with a rat.

#74

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Literally.

#75

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The thing I cannot understand yet, this:

#76

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this is a man Julie on 5th thinks is perfect for me,

#77

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I mean what was she thinking?

#78

⇓

Wait a second.

#79

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– Who do you know on 5th? – Why?

#80

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What was the name, was it Judy or Julie?

#81

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Why do you need to know?

#82

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No reason.

#83

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Lots of nice looking girls on fifth.

#84

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Looking for an in, aren't we?

#85

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An in? No!

#86

⇓

Thank you, no.

#87

⇓

Don't use my name to start leching around on 5th.

#88

⇓

For your information, I do not lech

#89

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I have a little more class than that, thank you very much.

#90

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– Post. – Thank you.

#91

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Oh no, this is wrong.

#92

⇓

A lingerie catalogue for a Cathy Morgan Foreman.

#93

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I'll make sure that Cathy gets it.

#94

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Cathy Morgan Foreman, who is Cathy Morgan Foreman?

#95

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Cathy works in...

#96

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Cathy works in the department of Shulupust.

#97

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– Department of what? – Oh excuse me, that's my phone ringing.

#98

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– I didn't hear anything? – It's on vibrate.

#99

⇓

Hello?

#100

⇓

Hello, Cathy!

#101

⇓

Yes, you parcel did arrive, I'm keeping it here safe for you.

#102

⇓

No problem at all Cathy Morgan Foreman.

#103

⇓

If he comes by...

#104

⇓

Right. If who comes by?

#105

⇓

The News.

#106

⇓

Yes, right?

#107

⇓

If he calls,

#108

⇓

just tell him something.

#109

⇓

– Leave it with me! – Great!

#110

⇓

Although I should just say I'm not very good at lying.

#111

⇓

I'm very good at lying.

#112

⇓

I thought you were on the phone!

#113

⇓

Yeah, I am.

#114

⇓

Yes, that's fine.

#115

⇓

Hello?

#116

⇓

Listen Moss, you're not going to Court, yeah?

#117

⇓

Just tell him something.

#118

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It's just... I've never been very good at judging the scale

#119

⇓

– of the lie... – Yes, stop over thinking everything.

#120

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– I couldn’t do it when I was a child, – You're getting yourself in a tease,

#121

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I told a whopper and...

#122

⇓

Just tell him I'm busy!

#123

⇓

You're busy!

#124

⇓

That's brilliant!

#125

⇓

Just don't let him in here under any circumstances.

#126

⇓

No!

#127

⇓

You're busy!

#128

⇓

Hey, um, what was the name of that girl,

#129

⇓

that Jen knows, was it Julie or Judy?

#130

⇓

Yes, one of those.

#131

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Okay, I'm just going to go for a letch on fifth.

#132

⇓

Yes.

#133

⇓

Look! I told you she's busy!

#134

⇓

Hey, back off, bastard! This lady's busy!

#135

⇓

Too busy for you.

#136

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Busy!

#137

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Brilliant!

#138

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– Hello? – Hello!

#139

⇓

I'm just looking for Jen.

#140

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I'm afraid Jen can't see you at the moment.

#141

⇓

She's very busy.

#142

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– Is she? – She's a busy Miss Lizzy!

#143

⇓

Good bye!

#144

⇓

What is she doing?

#145

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She's doing fine.

#146

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Not how is she doing, what is she doing?

#147

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– Is she in here? – No.

#148

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I won't keep her, I want to give her these.

#149

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– Don't give her. – I'll give her these.

#150

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– She won't like them. – She won't mind!

#151

⇓

She will mind.

#152

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It's not a problem. I won't take any time.

#153

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Look, why can't I go in?

#154

⇓

Because she's dead!

#155

⇓

What?

#156

⇓

Yeah, she's dead. She... she died.

#157

⇓

She died last night.

#158

⇓

She died?!

#159

⇓

Yeah!

#160

⇓

Completely.

#161

⇓

Oh God!

#162

⇓

Fuck!

#163

⇓

I just can't believe it!

#164

⇓

Well, I'd hardly make up something like that, would I?

#165

⇓

No, no of course, of course not.

#166

⇓

Oh God!

#167

⇓

Well, she was a bit off at the restaurant.

#168

⇓

I mean...

#169

⇓

Was it the food?

#170

⇓

– The tapas, do they know? – Teipas!

#171

⇓

I don't know.

#172

⇓

Yes it was, why not.

#173

⇓

Oh Jesus!

#174

⇓

I know it's terrible, but,

#175

⇓

thank God, we weren't sharing.

#176

⇓

I just can't get over it.

#177

⇓

Yeah, well,

#178

⇓

we all have to go sometime.

#179

⇓

It's terrible, it's just terrible!

#180

⇓

It's bloody awful!

#181

⇓

She was so beautiful!

#182

⇓

She was some piece of ass.

#183

⇓

Anyhow, can't mourn all the ruddy day, so...

#184

⇓

You know...

#185

⇓

I was the last person to sleep with her.

#186

⇓

– Really? She said that... – What?

#187

⇓

She said she was looking forward to sleeping with you.

#188

⇓

I can't believe he lied like that.

#189

⇓

Doesn't he realise that lying can lead to very serious ramifications?

#190

⇓

Hello?

#191

⇓

Hello!

#192

⇓

I'm Roy!

#193

⇓

I.T.

#194

⇓

My boss has assigned me to any work you might want done...

#195

⇓

personally.

#196

⇓

personal... personally.

#197

⇓

Basically, if you want to

#198

⇓

just take my card.

#199

⇓

And...

#200

⇓

if you need anything done

#201

⇓

to your computer,

#202

⇓

just give me a buzz, on me phone. It's my mobile phone, so

#203

⇓

you won't have to go through all that call waiting...

#204

⇓

Lover.

#205

⇓

Okay, thank you, Roy.

#206

⇓

You're welcome, Judy.

#207

⇓

Oh, I'm not Judy, I'm Julie.

#208

⇓

Judy?

#209

⇓

Someone to see you!

#210

⇓

This man says you should take his card.

#211

⇓

The girl from I.T., that's terrible.

#212

⇓

I know, terrible, terrible thing.

#213

⇓

You know, I was actually the last person to sleep with her.

#214

⇓

Very sudden, yes.

#215

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I heard it was some bad tapas.

#216

⇓

Teipas.

#217

⇓

Yes.

#218

⇓

You must be stunned.

#219

⇓

I'm flabbergasted

#220

⇓

Well, you know where we are if you need us.

#221

⇓

Sure, I'll be fine, thanks.

#222

⇓

Just sort of stay away from this whole area,

#223

⇓

while we come to terms with the loss.

#224

⇓

Leave me now, I would be alone.

#225

⇓

Good lech?

#226

⇓

No!

#227

⇓

The girl, oh my God, the girl, Judy, she's a...

#228

⇓

– Have you seen this girl? – What's she like?

#229

⇓

– Well, she has hair on her eyes. – Who has hair on her eyes?

#230

⇓

– Not you. – No.

#231

⇓

I'm going for a coffee, anyone wants anything?

#232

⇓

No? Okay, bye!

#233

⇓

– Hello? – Hello?

#234

⇓

Hello Judy?

#235

⇓

What can I do for you?

#236

⇓

Computer is broken!

#237

⇓

Is it a PC or a Mac?

#238

⇓

Yes!

#239

⇓

Well, what's wrong with it?

#240

⇓

Broken down!

#241

⇓

Yeah, broken down how, Judy?

#242

⇓

– Big bang noise! – Big bang noise, what...

#243

⇓

What's the precise nature of the problem?

#244

⇓

MIO

#245

⇓

Judy, the battery of my phone is...

#246

⇓

– Look at this. – What?

#247

⇓

How nice is this?

#248

⇓

I just got a big load of flowers,

#249

⇓

and a big card!

#250

⇓

And everyone has signed it!

#251

⇓

"You will always be in our heart!"

#252

⇓

My God! And you said they weren't nice here!

#253

⇓

Yeah.

#254

⇓

I don't understand why they've done this?

#255

⇓

Why?

#256

⇓

I'll tell for why.

#257

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It's because everyone thinks you're brilliant!

#258

⇓

– Really? – Yeah!

#259

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And in fact, everyone thinks you're so brilliant,

#260

⇓

they've just made you Employee of the Month.

#261

⇓

– No? – Yes!

#262

⇓

– No? – Yes!

#263

⇓

– No! – Yaha!

#264

⇓

I don't believe it!

#265

⇓

– Please believe it. – Oh my God!

#266

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I didn't even know they had Employee of the Month here.

#267

⇓

No, they brought it in just for you.

#268

⇓

I'm gonna go up and thank everybody right now.

#269

⇓

No! Don't do that!

#270

⇓

What? Why not?

#271

⇓

They'll be embarrassed.

#272

⇓

It's embarrassing being thanked.

#273

⇓

Don't be silly.

#274

⇓

Events seem to be taking a downward turn.

#275

⇓

I told you, stop calling me at work!

#276

⇓

Nice and beautiful Jen!

#277

⇓

Hello, Small Pall!

#278

⇓

Didn't... Are you... I thought you were sick or something.

#279

⇓

Sick? Me? No!

#280

⇓

I couldn't be better, I've just won Employee of the Month.

#281

⇓

So, um, you're going my way?

#282

⇓

Don't you dare going too fast, no!

#283

⇓

Just...

#284

⇓

hard to get your head round, you know?

#285

⇓

One minute, she's there and

#286

⇓

next minute...

#287

⇓

just gone.

#288

⇓

You know,

#289

⇓

I was the last person that slept with her actually.

#290

⇓

She held on so tightly, you know, it was like...

#291

⇓

scary, but,

#292

⇓

sexy scary, you know, just like...

#293

⇓

Jen?!

#294

⇓

It was her!

#295

⇓

What are you still doing here Bill, for God sake, go home!

#296

⇓

He was the last person to sleep with her.

#297

⇓

I know... Apparently, she was pretty hard stuff!

#298

⇓

Bye, Small Paul!

#299

⇓

Bye Jen, see you.

#300

⇓

Oh dear, oh Lord!

#301

⇓

At this dreadful hour

#302

⇓

we're all reminded how brief our time is here on Earth.

#303

⇓

Sorry, who is it who died?

#304

⇓

I don't know.

#305

⇓

I believe Mr. Renholm has a few words.

#306

⇓

There's one more angel in Heaven.

#307

⇓

God, I miss Jen!

#308

⇓

She reminded me of me, at her age.

#309

⇓

I mean, when I was her age,

#310

⇓

she reminded me of her age.

#311

⇓

She reminded me of my age at her age.

#312

⇓

When I was her age,

#313

⇓

she was reminded of me?

#314

⇓

I truly liked Jen.

#315

⇓

And that en-likening of her became a friendship.

#316

⇓

A friendship which ended so suddenly,

#317

⇓

just twelve hours ago...

#318

⇓

After... what I gather, was a rather sensational evening with Bill Crouse!

#319

⇓

Bill, you dog!

#320

⇓

Where is he?

#321

⇓

Still cleaning himself off.

#322

⇓

She was special.

#323

⇓

So special in fact,

#324

⇓

that when I called my close personal friend

#325

⇓

Elton John and told him about her,

#326

⇓

he dropped everything,

#327

⇓

and offered to come here and perform for us!

#328

⇓

You heard me, he's in the building!

#329

⇓

Elton John is going to sing a beautiful song

#330

⇓

about death.

#331

⇓

Oh my God, this is so...

#332

⇓

so lovely

#333

⇓

Thank you, so, so much!

#334

⇓

Tank you, thank you, oh God!

#335

⇓

Could I, say a few words?

#336

⇓

Oh my God!

#337

⇓

Thank you, so, so much!

#338

⇓

I would...

#339

⇓

I would not be standing up here today

#340

⇓

if it wasn't for so many things but, not least,

#341

⇓

– Without him... – Hey, she isn't dead!

#342

⇓

Yeah!

#343

⇓

You lying cow!

#344

⇓

We want Elton!

#345

⇓

We want Elton! We want Elton! We want Elton!

#346

⇓

Okay!

#347

⇓

If that Judy woman comes down, I don't work here,

#348

⇓

you've never seen me, just make up something,

#349

⇓

just get rid of her!

#350

⇓

She's easy to spot, she's has three rows of teeth.

#351

⇓

Listen, if I needed to get out of the country, very, very cheaply,

#352

⇓

how would I go about doing that?

#353

⇓

Hey you!

#354

⇓

What did you say about me?

#355

⇓

Hello there, Jen!

#356

⇓

I would love to stay and chat,

#357

⇓

but, I've just received a telephone call,

#358

⇓

saying that my father has just killed someone.

#359

⇓

I need to attend to.

#360

⇓

Did you tell everyone I was dead?

#361

⇓

Maybe?

#362

⇓

Because, um,

#363

⇓

they all thought I was dead.

#364

⇓

– I know something. – What? What do you know?

#365

⇓

Bill Crouse, he's saying he slept with you last night.

#366

⇓

He's saying what?

#367

⇓

He think you're dead,

#368

⇓

so he's telling everybody you slept with him.

#369

⇓

He's the one you should be angry at!

#370

⇓

Not me! I'm insignificant!

#371

⇓

Bastard!

#372

⇓

Voicemail!

#373

⇓

Hey!

#374

⇓

It's Jen!

#375

⇓

Stop telling everyone I slept with you!

#376

⇓

You bastard!

#377

⇓

Must have gone home.

#378

⇓

Oh God, my throat hurts.

#379

⇓

Well, it's probably all that shouting.

#380

⇓

I'm talking, aren't I?

#381

⇓

Can you get me his address?

#382

⇓

Yes, it might be a bit difficult.

#383

⇓

I have to hack into his private company account,

#384

⇓

it might take some time.

#385

⇓

There we go.

#386

⇓

Oh, I really don't feel very well.

#387

⇓

Well, you look terrible.

#388

⇓

I'm still talking, aren't I?

#389

⇓

You have one new message.

#390

⇓

Hey!

#391

⇓

It's Jen!

#392

⇓

Stop telling people I slept with you!

#393

⇓

You bastard!

#394

⇓

Where Roy?

#395

⇓

Roy is dead!

#396

⇓

No, no! Don't breakdown!

#397

⇓

Don't break down, you bitch!

#398

⇓

Oh my God, oh my God!

#399

⇓

Bloody hell!

#400

⇓

Why you do that to me when I need this chance?

#401

⇓

Oh for God's sake! Now my car is bloody open

#402

⇓

and I don't know what it means!

#403

⇓

Come on, come on Ritchley... Street, Ritchley Street.

#404

⇓

My God, okay, I'm... Right.

#405

⇓

Probably guys, probably guys,

#406

⇓

leaving message, funny message,

#407

⇓

probably, Bob, it's Bob leaving funny messages.

#408

⇓

And the, the floating head.

#409

⇓

It's all stress,

#410

⇓

a bit stress is all and... just fun and games.

#411

⇓

Oh God!

#412

⇓

Oh God!

#413

⇓

Let me in! Let me in Bill!

#414

⇓

No!

#415

⇓

It's raining! Please, let me in!

#416

⇓

No, you're never coming in!

#417

⇓

Stop telling people I slept with you!

#418

⇓

I will! I will! I'm sorry!

#419

⇓

Bastard!

#420

⇓

You bastard!

#421

⇓

Oh no! I'm sorry!

#422

⇓

You bastard!

#423

⇓

Small Paul, you're gone now.

#424

⇓

You pushed that trolley a little too hard,

#425

⇓

You felt a twinge, it was your heart and you're dead now...

#426

⇓

And now you're running four feet in heaven...

#427

⇓

– Did you know him? – No.

#428

⇓

I don't think that's Elton John.

#429

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