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Season 1, Episode 4 — The Red Door
The Red Door.
#1
⇓
"We don't need no education!"
#2
⇓
Yes you do.
#3
⇓
You've just used the double negative.
#4
⇓
Notice anything?
#5
⇓
– What? – Yes.
#6
⇓
Your eyes, something's wrong with your eyes.
#7
⇓
No... I have a new cup.
#8
⇓
What's wrong with my eyes?
#9
⇓
It's not very distinctive, is it?
#10
⇓
How's anyone supposed to know it's yours?
#11
⇓
There's a picture of me on it.
#12
⇓
No, there isn't!
#13
⇓
– Yes there is. – No there isn't!
#14
⇓
– Moss! – Yes there is.
#15
⇓
I'm sick of my things going walk about.
#16
⇓
With this picture,
#17
⇓
everyone knows that a certain Mr. Moss might be looking for his cup...
#18
⇓
There is nothing on the cup!
#19
⇓
Wrangle with him and you'll find your handful my friend.
#20
⇓
Wrangle! With who?
#21
⇓
There's no one there!
#22
⇓
– Morning. – Morning.
#23
⇓
Did you have a nice week-end?
#24
⇓
– It was alright, thanks. – Not you!
#25
⇓
I did too.
#26
⇓
Nice scarf.
#27
⇓
– I'm not wearing a scarf. – Not you, Moss!
#28
⇓
Notice anything new about Moss?
#29
⇓
His eyes?
#30
⇓
What is wrong with my eyes?
#31
⇓
No, he has a new cup.
#32
⇓
It's the talk of the office.
#33
⇓
Yes, I think I read about it in Hits.
#34
⇓
Receptionist 3rd floor, Gloria what's-her-name...
#35
⇓
Have you seen her baby?
#36
⇓
I didn't even know she was pregnant.
#37
⇓
She was onto here!
#38
⇓
Yeah, I thought she was stealing office equipment.
#39
⇓
That's how I got that monitor home.
#40
⇓
– Do you want to seat here? – Thank you.
#41
⇓
– What? – Ask me where it is...
#42
⇓
– Where what is? – The picture.
#43
⇓
Where is the picture, Moss?
#44
⇓
It's on the base, Roy.
#45
⇓
OK, well, let's see it then!
#46
⇓
Sure, I pour hot water all over myself, and we all have a good chuckle.
#47
⇓
Everyone except muggins here.
#48
⇓
Show you in a minute.
#49
⇓
Can I ask you two a question?
#50
⇓
Please, Christ, yes!
#51
⇓
Wait, wait. One moment, wait.
#52
⇓
Ok. Go.
#53
⇓
How can you two live like this?
#54
⇓
– How can you two... – Don't google the question Moss!
#55
⇓
What are you talking about?
#56
⇓
It's so disgusting in here.
#57
⇓
I mean I know nobody comes down here,
#58
⇓
but it doesn't mean you have to live like animals, you know...
#59
⇓
I mean for a start you could clean that window
#60
⇓
and you'd have a bit of light in here.
#61
⇓
What window?
#62
⇓
That one up there.
#63
⇓
Yeah, that's not a window.
#64
⇓
Yes it is.
#65
⇓
Get it clean, you'll have some light in here.
#66
⇓
I think that we have plenty of light...
#67
⇓
light to be doing fine!
#68
⇓
I mean look at that CD tray.
#69
⇓
Isn't that important,
#70
⇓
when you'd like to actually put CDs in there at some point?
#71
⇓
Well, yes, ideally, but
#72
⇓
I haven't the heart to move them.
#73
⇓
I mean, how did that even happen?
#74
⇓
Ok. Now, I'm curious.
#75
⇓
Give us a look at the picture then.
#76
⇓
What picture?
#77
⇓
The picture on the cup.
#78
⇓
Right!
#79
⇓
Behold!
#80
⇓
There's nothing there!
#81
⇓
What?!
#82
⇓
This isn't my cup!
#83
⇓
What is that?
#84
⇓
Goat's cheese salad?
#85
⇓
You don't like goat's cheese?
#86
⇓
I don't like goat's anything!
#87
⇓
I don't like goats...
#88
⇓
being involved in any stage of the food production process.
#89
⇓
Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first?
#90
⇓
What are you eating anyway?
#91
⇓
It's a bucket of fried chicken.
#92
⇓
You know, it comes in a real bucket now.
#93
⇓
Tell me,
#94
⇓
what's behind that red door?
#95
⇓
Nothing.
#96
⇓
Well, there must be something behind it.
#97
⇓
There's nothing behind the red door, Jen.
#98
⇓
– Well then I can just go... – No Jen!
#99
⇓
It's just a boring old store room, that's all.
#100
⇓
It's just a store room where we keep the snibbits.
#101
⇓
What's a snibbit?
#102
⇓
It's a kind of planch.
#103
⇓
A planch for the computers?
#104
⇓
Yes. Computer planch.
#105
⇓
Well, if it's a store room,
#106
⇓
– you can store some of this stuff. – No! Jen, Jen!
#107
⇓
Look, I know that you wanna make your mark down here and,
#108
⇓
and that's really sweet, but,
#109
⇓
you can't just go messing around with the snibbits door room,
#110
⇓
willy-nilly.
#111
⇓
You... You can't upset the whole harmony of the place.
#112
⇓
Harmony! What harmony?
#113
⇓
Look, I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess,
#114
⇓
but it's actually a very delicate ecosystem.
#115
⇓
Everything is connected.
#116
⇓
It's like the rainforest.
#117
⇓
You change one thing,
#118
⇓
even the tiniest bit,
#119
⇓
and the whole rainforest dies.
#120
⇓
You don't want the rainforest to die, do you?
#121
⇓
No, I really don't want the rainforest to die.
#122
⇓
That's what will happen if you open the red door.
#123
⇓
Hello, I.T., have you tried turning it off and on again?
#124
⇓
Ok, but are you sure that it's plugged in?
#125
⇓
Ok, well I'll be up in a minute.
#126
⇓
What was that about?
#127
⇓
Just a girl on four.
#128
⇓
Oh, a job?
#129
⇓
You gonna go?
#130
⇓
Yeah. In a while.
#131
⇓
It can wait.
#132
⇓
But why can it wait? She probably needs to get on,
#133
⇓
she needs her computer, you know.
#134
⇓
Yeah well, I am reading a comic.
#135
⇓
I knew it.
#136
⇓
Every time I used to phone I.T. in my last job
#137
⇓
it's a good couple of hours before someone got to me.
#138
⇓
That is how we do it.
#139
⇓
You can't go up straight away
#140
⇓
or they'll all expect it.
#141
⇓
You're killing the rainforest!
#142
⇓
Stop saying that!
#143
⇓
Look there's more than that: me and this girl,
#144
⇓
I asked her out once,
#145
⇓
she said no, it all got a little bit embarrassing
#146
⇓
and ever since then, whenever I go up,
#147
⇓
she treats me like I'm some sort of sexually frustrated cretin.
#148
⇓
Get up there now, please.
#149
⇓
You're not the head of this department.
#150
⇓
No, I'm relationship manager.
#151
⇓
I'm the one you gets the complaints.
#152
⇓
I'm the one who gets in trouble.
#153
⇓
I'm the one whose name is on the line...
#154
⇓
Oh God! All right,
#155
⇓
I will go up just to shut you up.
#156
⇓
Watch her!
#157
⇓
For God's sake!
#158
⇓
There's someone under here.
#159
⇓
Yes!
#160
⇓
Hello!
#161
⇓
Hello?
#162
⇓
Did you get it fixed?
#163
⇓
Oh, yeah.
#164
⇓
Well, left him to it.
#165
⇓
– Just can't have him in sight. – Yeah.
#166
⇓
Do what you need and just go.
#167
⇓
What are you laughing at?
#168
⇓
This flipping circuit board, Jen,
#169
⇓
Some chump has run the data line right through the power supply.
#170
⇓
Amateur hour!
#171
⇓
I've got tears in my eyes.
#172
⇓
Roy's stuck under a desk.
#173
⇓
Stuck under a desk?!
#174
⇓
Yes. It is an unusual text, isn't it? It's not just me?
#175
⇓
No, it's unusual.
#176
⇓
I'd best investigate.
#177
⇓
Yes.
#178
⇓
You investigate.
#179
⇓
I'll hold the fort.
#180
⇓
Listen, I'm really sorry about your hand.
#181
⇓
Oh, don't worry about it. I must have cut it when I swooned.
#182
⇓
I startled you a bit.
#183
⇓
I didn't know there were anyone else down here.
#184
⇓
I thought it was just the three of us.
#185
⇓
I often work at nights so, perhaps that's why you haven't seen me.
#186
⇓
Gosh, it's very cold in here, isn't it?
#187
⇓
Air conditioning.
#188
⇓
Keep these things cool.
#189
⇓
Yes, what are they?
#190
⇓
I've no idea.
#191
⇓
They have put me in charge of them.
#192
⇓
Moss and Roy.
#193
⇓
I don't know their names.
#194
⇓
I mean,
#195
⇓
I don't know any of these stuff even does.
#196
⇓
What's going on there?
#197
⇓
I don't know.
#198
⇓
Is it good that it's doing that?
#199
⇓
Usually, it doesn't do that.
#200
⇓
And I think I should tell them, but,
#201
⇓
but often I just look away.
#202
⇓
And this one:
#203
⇓
Flash.
#204
⇓
Flash.
#205
⇓
Flash.
#206
⇓
Then wait for it.
#207
⇓
Nothing for a while.
#208
⇓
Here it comes.
#209
⇓
Double flash.
#210
⇓
Brilliant.
#211
⇓
It's obvious you are going mad.
#212
⇓
So, let me get this straight.
#213
⇓
You stay down here all the time.
#214
⇓
I pop out occasionally when I have to get supplies.
#215
⇓
And you don't know why you're here,
#216
⇓
or what you do.
#217
⇓
Correct.
#218
⇓
So this is your job? This is what you want for a career?
#219
⇓
No.
#220
⇓
You don't understand.
#221
⇓
I'm not here because... I want to be here.
#222
⇓
This is...
#223
⇓
This is my punishment.
#224
⇓
You see, I used to be Denholm's second in command.
#225
⇓
Do I amaze you?
#226
⇓
So, how did you end up down here?
#227
⇓
That's the question I've been asking myself for 4 long years.
#228
⇓
Oh I... couldn't help noticing that you're bleeding.
#229
⇓
– Yes. No it's fine it... – Just let me...
#230
⇓
– Please I can help. – I'll deal
#231
⇓
with myself at home but the risk is, honestly....
#232
⇓
Oh my...
#233
⇓
Oh my God.
#234
⇓
Please, excuse, excuse me, what are you doi...
#235
⇓
Get off me! Get...
#236
⇓
Thank you.
#237
⇓
That should clear up nicely.
#238
⇓
Yes, there was a time when things were very different.
#239
⇓
I was one of Reynholm Industries' top guys.
#240
⇓
You should have seen me, I was magical.
#241
⇓
Here's me saying some pretty important stuff
#242
⇓
to a group of people circled around me.
#243
⇓
In a boardroom, I was a wizard.
#244
⇓
A punchy character.
#245
⇓
Here's me with a graph.
#246
⇓
Things were moving fast.
#247
⇓
So fast, my career was advancing by leaps and bounds.
#248
⇓
Adam saw greater things for me.
#249
⇓
They were crazy heady days.
#250
⇓
It seemed like these days would last forever.
#251
⇓
But it all changed.
#252
⇓
So, what happened?
#253
⇓
It's quite a long story actually.
#254
⇓
Really? Don't worry about it then.
#255
⇓
Oh my good gracious me, look at that!
#256
⇓
Quick!
#257
⇓
What is it?
#258
⇓
I can't explain it.
#259
⇓
You're just going to have to come over here,
#260
⇓
and look out this window for a while.
#261
⇓
Whatever it is, we're not interested.
#262
⇓
Well. I have to say you're missing out.
#263
⇓
Fine.
#264
⇓
Jiminy!
#265
⇓
Jones!
#266
⇓
Look, the nature of the things
#267
⇓
that is happening has changed... slightly,
#268
⇓
rendering it yet more interesting.
#269
⇓
Someday, I will tell my kids about this.
#270
⇓
But you can't even tell us...
#271
⇓
How are you gonna tell your children?
#272
⇓
Oh, you have no... interest in the world.
#273
⇓
Are you sure it's okay to come out?
#274
⇓
Yeah, don't you worry about those two.
#275
⇓
And listen Richmond, I've always wanted to know yeah,
#276
⇓
why do you never see any Cockney Goths?
#277
⇓
That's you cheerful.
#278
⇓
It's spoiled for the rest of us.
#279
⇓
And how come you never see Goths driving cars?
#280
⇓
We drive cars...
#281
⇓
We're just like you really...
#282
⇓
except that we listen to Cradle of Filth.
#283
⇓
Cradle of Filth, I presume that's a band.
#284
⇓
It's not literally a cradle of filth?
#285
⇓
Oh no. That would be horrible.
#286
⇓
Cradle of Filth are actually
#287
⇓
one the best contemporary dark-wave bands in the world.
#288
⇓
I'll never forget the first time I heard them.
#289
⇓
Changed my life.
#290
⇓
Blew my mind.
#291
⇓
I was lucky I discovered them when I did!
#292
⇓
Because it was around that time that
#293
⇓
things started to go wrong for me at work.
#294
⇓
I don't know what happened.
#295
⇓
Suddenly, people just weren't returning my calls.
#296
⇓
In my strategy meetings,
#297
⇓
they'd seemed distracted.
#298
⇓
Distant.
#299
⇓
I couldn't put my finger on it
#300
⇓
but something was wrong.
#301
⇓
I'll tell you.
#302
⇓
It was good to have the Filth to come home to
#303
⇓
after another disappointing day.
#304
⇓
You've got to help Roy!
#305
⇓
Richmond's out of his room.
#306
⇓
He's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room.
#307
⇓
Why is he out of his room?
#308
⇓
Well, he's gotta come out and play with us for a while.
#309
⇓
But the rainforest and...
#310
⇓
What's wrong with you Moss?
#311
⇓
Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.
#312
⇓
What! Still?!
#313
⇓
Look, I know that normally this would be very funny
#314
⇓
but he's been under there too long for reasonable explanation.
#315
⇓
That woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk rabbit.
#316
⇓
– What's a desk rabbit? – I just made that up.
#317
⇓
But that's probably going to be
#318
⇓
what they'll sort of call people like Roy.
#319
⇓
But Roy is not a desk rabbit, he's my best friend.
#320
⇓
Unless you do something so tumble you, me and Tim Burton over there.
#321
⇓
What can I possibly do? I...
#322
⇓
Look, she could look under there any minute.
#323
⇓
– It could already be too late. – I don't know what to do...
#324
⇓
You're relationship manager, that falls under relationship.
#325
⇓
Alright, alright.
#326
⇓
Just shut you up.
#327
⇓
Hello Richmond.
#328
⇓
How are things?
#329
⇓
Oh you know.
#330
⇓
Not brilliant.
#331
⇓
He's supposed to be in his room.
#332
⇓
There's a builder outside, taking off his shirt.
#333
⇓
– Like in ads? – Yeah, like in ads...
#334
⇓
– Easy one downstairs? – They're fine, yeah.
#335
⇓
I left Moss and Richmond in charge.
#336
⇓
Good, well Moss...
#337
⇓
Richmond! He's not out of his room, is he?
#338
⇓
Yeah.
#339
⇓
What did I say about the red door? I said don't open the red door!
#340
⇓
It was the only thing that I asked you!
#341
⇓
What have you got against him?
#342
⇓
Just don't like him.
#343
⇓
Oh God, you're just like the rest of them,
#344
⇓
the people that turn their backs on him as soon as he became a Goth.
#345
⇓
He obviously hasn't told you about the funeral.
#346
⇓
I think that you should ask him about the funeral.
#347
⇓
Hello Denholm.
#348
⇓
Hi Jen. I'm just enjoying this cup of tea.
#349
⇓
Brilliant!
#350
⇓
How you doing Jen?
#351
⇓
Yeah. Just to say...
#352
⇓
I met Richmond.
#353
⇓
I see.
#354
⇓
It's not for me to say Denholm, but
#355
⇓
it sounds like you two had a good relationship at one point.
#356
⇓
You should speak to him.
#357
⇓
I'll thank you to keep out of this Jen.
#358
⇓
– Goths are people too. – Enough!
#359
⇓
There's absolutely no point to anything.
#360
⇓
You're right, no point, it's all futile, can't even find my cup.
#361
⇓
Try to look on the bright side.
#362
⇓
Ah! The bright side!
#363
⇓
Sometimes, you just think
#364
⇓
what would actually change if I just killed myself.
#365
⇓
You're right.
#366
⇓
I could just kill myself.
#367
⇓
And it'd be so easy, wouldn't it?
#368
⇓
So very, very easy.
#369
⇓
Richmond!
#370
⇓
Get back to your room!
#371
⇓
What's the point of sending him back to him room,
#372
⇓
what's the point of anything?
#373
⇓
Come on, get brush! Come on!
#374
⇓
But she said I could come out.
#375
⇓
Well you can't come out. You're bringing everyone down.
#376
⇓
– No, I'm not. – Yes, he is!
#377
⇓
– Come on! – Thank you.
#378
⇓
Okay well then, tell her,
#379
⇓
why they sent you down here. Tell her what you did.
#380
⇓
I didn't do anything, I don't know why I'm down here.
#381
⇓
So Denholm just amorted you for nothing, did he?
#382
⇓
No, he changed.
#383
⇓
After his father died. I don't think he ever fully recovered.
#384
⇓
From the moment I saw him at the funeral,
#385
⇓
I could tell there was something different.
#386
⇓
Bloody good of you to come, thanks.
#387
⇓
Thanks.
#388
⇓
Bloody good service, wasn't it? Yeah?
#389
⇓
– Thank you. – Watch your bloody hand!
#390
⇓
I'm so sorry.
#391
⇓
Here.
#392
⇓
It's Cradle of Filth.
#393
⇓
It got me through some pretty bleak times.
#394
⇓
Try track 4, Coffin Fodder.
#395
⇓
It sounds horrible, but it's actually quite beautiful.
#396
⇓
Relationship manager.
#397
⇓
Yes. Yes of course.
#398
⇓
First thing tomorrow.
#399
⇓
That was Denholm.
#400
⇓
He wants to see you.
#401
⇓
What is it?!
#402
⇓
I can't believe you want me back.
#403
⇓
You've got Jen to thank for that.
#404
⇓
Her words the other day, moved me deeply.
#405
⇓
Very deeply indeed.
#406
⇓
Really? What did she say?
#407
⇓
Like I remember!
#408
⇓
Point is: it's the effect of her words that's important.
#409
⇓
I now know that treating someone differently
#410
⇓
just because of the colour of their skin is wrong.
#411
⇓
I don't see why things can't get back to the way they were.
#412
⇓
I just don't know what to say.
#413
⇓
You're back with the big guys Richmond!
#414
⇓
Great!
#415
⇓
That's if you're prepared to take me on again.
#416
⇓
You know how demanding I am.
#417
⇓
Stop it.
#418
⇓
You know how changeable I can be.
#419
⇓
Yes Mr. Denholm.
#420
⇓
Call me Denholm!
#421
⇓
All right, thanks Denholm.
#422
⇓
No no. I don't like that. Don't do it again.
#423
⇓
All right, sorry.
#424
⇓
In fact, I've changed my mind about the whole thing.
#425
⇓
What? You mean I have to stay down here?
#426
⇓
Yes!
#427
⇓
And leave me alone you goblin!
#428
⇓
Oh well. I suppose it's not quite so bad
#429
⇓
now that I don't have to stay in that room.
#430
⇓
Yes, yes.
#431
⇓
Well, we're happy to have you.
#432
⇓
My milky lens has popped out.
#433
⇓
Don't step on it.
#434
⇓
You've got... to help me find it.
#435
⇓
Oh, actually, I think it's just popped round the back.
#436
⇓
It does that sometimes.
#437
⇓
Come on.
#438
⇓
Come on. Come on fellow.
#439
⇓
Come on.
#440
⇓
There.
#441
⇓
How about that then?
#442
⇓
That looks great!
#443
⇓
Told you it was a window.
#444
⇓
Bloody lens.
#445
⇓
I'd... really ought to...
#446
⇓
Actually, I'm gonna...
#447
⇓
Thank God.
#448
⇓
At least, everything is back to normal.
#449
⇓
As long as no one goes through that door.
#450
⇓
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