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» S01E03 — Fifty-Fifty
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Season 1, Episode 3 — Fifty-Fifty
Here we are!
#1
⇓
Your place... your place...
#2
⇓
La maison... de la femme...
#3
⇓
El casa del signorita...
#4
⇓
Das haus die Frau...
#5
⇓
Good night!
#6
⇓
I'll just walk you to the door.
#7
⇓
– There's no need. – That's okay.
#8
⇓
So...
#9
⇓
I guess this is "arrivederci".
#10
⇓
I'd quite fancy a cup of tea though.
#11
⇓
A glass of water maybe.
#12
⇓
Perhaps a little lie down.
#13
⇓
Look...
#14
⇓
I have to tell you something.
#15
⇓
What?
#16
⇓
I wanted to tell you in the restaurant but...
#17
⇓
it... a good time never came up and I...
#18
⇓
– I wasn't gonna say it but... – Say it.
#19
⇓
I have to.
#20
⇓
What?
#21
⇓
You've got shit on your head.
#22
⇓
What?
#23
⇓
There's some shit on your head.
#24
⇓
What?
#25
⇓
Where? Where?
#26
⇓
It's been there forever.
#27
⇓
Oh God! Oh God!
#28
⇓
It's chocolate!
#29
⇓
It's chocolate!
#30
⇓
It's not shit!
#31
⇓
It's not shit!
#32
⇓
It's..
#33
⇓
It's my dessert.
#34
⇓
I don't know how it got there but uh...
#35
⇓
It's on my fingers.
#36
⇓
It's not shit!
#37
⇓
Thank God for that!
#38
⇓
You know, I just spent the last hour
#39
⇓
thinking you were some sort of disgusting tramp.
#40
⇓
Oh no!
#41
⇓
That's funny!
#42
⇓
– Oh God look! – What?
#43
⇓
It's chocolate!
#44
⇓
How about that cup of tea now?
#45
⇓
I was a perfect gentleman last night from beginning to end
#46
⇓
but she can't see past a little bit of shit on my forehead!
#47
⇓
I thought you said it was chocolate.
#48
⇓
Yes, chocolate, yes! I meant chocolate.
#49
⇓
I forgot to turn this thing on.
#50
⇓
Hello, IT.
#51
⇓
Hi, something's wrong with my computer.
#52
⇓
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
#53
⇓
Oh No! No, oh Dear, thanks.
#54
⇓
You're welcome then.
#55
⇓
It's typical.
#56
⇓
The one time I manage to bamboozle a girl in the building
#57
⇓
into going out with me and this happens.
#58
⇓
She's gonna tell everyone!
#59
⇓
Oh come on! She's a receptionist,
#60
⇓
she'd hardly gossip.
#61
⇓
Besides it's a boring story.
#62
⇓
Yeah... that's boring.
#63
⇓
It's boring, she won't tell anyone.
#64
⇓
Hello.
#65
⇓
Sorry guys.
#66
⇓
She might have told Jen.
#67
⇓
No, that's what I'm saying.
#68
⇓
It wasn't. It was...
#69
⇓
It was chocolate. It was chocolate.
#70
⇓
I don't know... I don't know... it...
#71
⇓
it got on my fingers and then I must have...
#72
⇓
Listen...
#73
⇓
how did you even hear about this, mom?
#74
⇓
Moss... Moss, there's a spider in my office.
#75
⇓
Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.
#76
⇓
I'm not overly fond of them myself there, Jen.
#77
⇓
How...
#78
⇓
How big is... Whoa! Hey now!
#79
⇓
I'll tell you what.
#80
⇓
I actually recommend my good friend Roy there
#81
⇓
as the go-to guy on anything
#82
⇓
with more than 7 eyes.
#83
⇓
He's on a very brief personal call right now.
#84
⇓
Come, Moss. Don't be silly.
#85
⇓
You're right, I'm being silly. Wrap it up, Roy!
#86
⇓
It's just a spider. It's fine.
#87
⇓
Oh look! It seems to have left of its own volition.
#88
⇓
Oh, be a man, Moss!
#89
⇓
You're right, I'll be a man. I'm a man.
#90
⇓
Please don't shut the door.
#91
⇓
I won't.
#92
⇓
Goodbye, Jen.
#93
⇓
That was my mother.
#94
⇓
How did she hear about this?
#95
⇓
Oh, was that the woman who phoned earlier?
#96
⇓
'Cause I've just been telling everybody.
#97
⇓
Why would you want to go out with Patricia anyway?
#98
⇓
I mean, her last boyfriend was Simon from 3rd.
#99
⇓
– Jen! – Hey, you!
#100
⇓
Hello there.
#101
⇓
Have you caught it yet?
#102
⇓
Not quite, Jen.
#103
⇓
The spider's managed to walk behind me.
#104
⇓
And it's between me and the door.
#105
⇓
So I can't get out.
#106
⇓
Simon from 3rd is the one with the hair.
#107
⇓
Oh, him! Oh, he's awful.
#108
⇓
He once ate a copy of Loaded for a bet.
#109
⇓
– She liked him? – Apparently.
#110
⇓
That explains everything!
#111
⇓
She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy who eats Loaders.
#112
⇓
Hello, Daniel.
#113
⇓
How are you?
#114
⇓
I'm great, thanks. How are you?
#115
⇓
I'm great.
#116
⇓
Well, can either of you tell me... Okay... Okay...
#117
⇓
who wrote Missa Brevis in D minor? Was it Mozart or Beethoven?
#118
⇓
That was a certain Mr. Mozart, I think you'll find.
#119
⇓
Oh right, do you know a lot about classical music?
#120
⇓
– Petit pois. – Oh, right.
#121
⇓
Mozart, Beethoven, 50/50 ain't it?
#122
⇓
Actually, no, you were right. It was Mozart.
#123
⇓
Well it's... It was...
#124
⇓
Okay, so, let's try another one.
#125
⇓
Okay. Here we go. In what year did Mozart die?
#126
⇓
– Was it 1780 or 1791? – 1791.
#127
⇓
Yes! Yes! Bang on! Good!
#128
⇓
God! I hope he doesn't come in again!
#129
⇓
– Jen! – Yes!
#130
⇓
Is Roy off the phone yet? The spider is now upon my person.
#131
⇓
You guys don't mind me chilling out in here, do you?
#132
⇓
No. Chill out!
#133
⇓
So did you see the match last night?
#134
⇓
– Oh yeah! – Oh yeah!
#135
⇓
– God! – Did we?
#136
⇓
What a match!
#137
⇓
All of the players running up...
#138
⇓
the pitch...
#139
⇓
and running down it again. Such athleticism!
#140
⇓
What was Rooney thinking over there?
#141
⇓
Who knows! That's Rooney!
#142
⇓
He is a foolish boy!
#143
⇓
Yeah but... that referee... I'm sorry the referee is just an idiot.
#144
⇓
Yes, he was certainly the villain of the piece.
#145
⇓
Daniel, you're still here.
#146
⇓
Yeah, just... just having a little break.
#147
⇓
Do you wanna come and join me?
#148
⇓
Stop it!
#149
⇓
Well, I'd better... I'd better... hit this way.
#150
⇓
Oh by the way, guys, if you need any help with any more spiders,
#151
⇓
just give me a call, okay?
#152
⇓
Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.
#153
⇓
Actually, do you have a card?
#154
⇓
That is good. See you.
#155
⇓
You like him!
#156
⇓
Who?
#157
⇓
Oh, that good looking man with "Security"
#158
⇓
written on his shoulders? Yes!
#159
⇓
Yes, I do.
#160
⇓
He seems really nice.
#161
⇓
Nice!
#162
⇓
'Cause that's what you women want! Nice guys!
#163
⇓
Hello, IT!
#164
⇓
What are you talking about, Roy?
#165
⇓
If my date last night proved anything, it's that you, ladies,
#166
⇓
you don't want nice guys.
#167
⇓
I think if your date proved anything, Roy,
#168
⇓
it's that women like men without poo on their foreheads.
#169
⇓
That's our type.
#170
⇓
That has nothing to do with this.
#171
⇓
She clearly just didn't want a gentleman in her life.
#172
⇓
I hate to generalize, you know that.
#173
⇓
But all women just want bastards.
#174
⇓
That women liking bastards thing is a total myth.
#175
⇓
I've tried turning it off and on again and nothing happened.
#176
⇓
Is it definitely plugged in?
#177
⇓
Oh, let me have a look.
#178
⇓
Oh, sorry, that's it, thanks very much.
#179
⇓
You're welcome then.
#180
⇓
It's just not true.
#181
⇓
Women don't want gentlemen, they want bullies and thugs.
#182
⇓
I'll prove it to you.
#183
⇓
How will you prove it to me, Roy?
#184
⇓
Oh! Okay.
#185
⇓
I'll put a... I'll put on a classified ad online.
#186
⇓
A classified?
#187
⇓
Yeah, like a lonely hearts thing
#188
⇓
but I'll make it sound psychotic.
#189
⇓
And I still bet I'll get a bezillion replies.
#190
⇓
Oh, dear God.
#191
⇓
Come on. How much?
#192
⇓
Okay. Yeah, I'll give you 20 quid if you get 1 response.
#193
⇓
You're on!
#194
⇓
Oh my God, no!
#195
⇓
It's all about body fluids with you, isn't it?
#196
⇓
Come on, Moss! We need to get to work.
#197
⇓
Work?
#198
⇓
Yeah, we need to post a classified lonely hearts ad online
#199
⇓
that makes me sound like a psycho so that I can prove to Jen
#200
⇓
that all women love bastards and therefore win 20 pounds.
#201
⇓
Thank God! I thought that thing was broken.
#202
⇓
"Shut up! Do what I tell you! I'm not interested!"
#203
⇓
These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad.
#204
⇓
"I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself."
#205
⇓
"PS: No dogs."
#206
⇓
– That's good. – What's yours?
#207
⇓
Mine doesn't look any good now.
#208
⇓
Go on.
#209
⇓
"I'm going to murder you."
#210
⇓
"You bloody woman!"
#211
⇓
Might want to play a bit hard to get.
#212
⇓
If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be?
#213
⇓
Mine would be "The Gardener",
#214
⇓
'cause I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.
#215
⇓
What would your murder weapon be?
#216
⇓
A hammer.
#217
⇓
Hey, Moss.
#218
⇓
"Would you like to go for dinner with me?"
#219
⇓
"And then maybe back to my place?"
#220
⇓
I'd love to, Jen, but I'm actually helping Roy at the moment.
#221
⇓
No. No, no, no. Who does this remind you of, yeah?
#222
⇓
"Do you wanna go on a date with me?"
#223
⇓
Gandhi?
#224
⇓
No, no, the other one. Bono.
#225
⇓
No, no, I was doing Roy.
#226
⇓
Yes, yes, it's like there was 2 of me.
#227
⇓
Come on. Get your money ready. 20 pounds.
#228
⇓
Hey! Hello.
#229
⇓
It's security.
#230
⇓
I hope I'm not in any danger.
#231
⇓
Oh my God!
#232
⇓
It's not shit!
#233
⇓
On my head, it's not shit!
#234
⇓
It's chocolate spread.
#235
⇓
– Taste it! – No!
#236
⇓
Look!
#237
⇓
Look!
#238
⇓
Ringo Starr?
#239
⇓
I'll be wondering about that all night!
#240
⇓
How do you know about this site?
#241
⇓
I'm a member.
#242
⇓
Really? You do the whole lonely hearts thing?
#243
⇓
I'm a 32-year-old IT man who works in a basement.
#244
⇓
Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.
#245
⇓
So, as you can clearly see, it wasn't...
#246
⇓
excrement, it was chocolate.
#247
⇓
I was playing a joke. It was chocolate.
#248
⇓
Jen, it's okay, I've got it. Don't worry about it.
#249
⇓
Listen, what are you doing tonight?
#250
⇓
– I've got a response! – That was quick!
#251
⇓
Yeah, why is it taking so long to download?
#252
⇓
Something happened with the router this morning.
#253
⇓
We're back to pre-broadband speed.
#254
⇓
Dear...
#255
⇓
But we're on the phone now.
#256
⇓
Why can't you just ask me now?
#257
⇓
Can't Jen, trust me.
#258
⇓
Why should I trust you?
#259
⇓
Because I know what's good for you.
#260
⇓
Listen, you have to be home between 8 and 9 tonight, are you gonna be home?
#261
⇓
Okay, this sounds exciting.
#262
⇓
It might not happen, okay? But hopefully it will.
#263
⇓
Now I don't know if this is exciting or not...
#264
⇓
Jen... Jen, it's exciting!
#265
⇓
"...would be very interested in meeting up and talking it over."
#266
⇓
"Love, Rebecca."
#267
⇓
Oh my God! What did we write again?
#268
⇓
It started with "shut up".
#269
⇓
There's more.
#270
⇓
"I attached a photograph for your approval...
#271
⇓
"or not!" Exclamation mark.
#272
⇓
All right, let's have a look at you, you mad thing.
#273
⇓
Nice hair so far.
#274
⇓
– Eyebrows seem normal. – Two eyes.
#275
⇓
That's the best amount of eyes.
#276
⇓
Nice eyes too.
#277
⇓
It has to go around. She must have a shite nose.
#278
⇓
Do you remember the Internet at this speed?
#279
⇓
Up all night and you'd see 8 women.
#280
⇓
– Good nose. – That is a good nose.
#281
⇓
The mouth has to be wrong. There's gotta be something wrong with her mouth.
#282
⇓
Now that's a good looking woman.
#283
⇓
Should I tell Jen we got a reply?
#284
⇓
Roy?
#285
⇓
Roy?
#286
⇓
Roy!
#287
⇓
Roy!
#288
⇓
Hello, Daniel! I mean, hello.
#289
⇓
Jen? Hello, it's Chris Tarrant from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
#290
⇓
Oh my God! Oh my God!
#291
⇓
Chris Tarrant, hello!
#292
⇓
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
#293
⇓
Jen the next voice you hear is gonna be Daniel's...
#294
⇓
– Daniel's, Ok. – But before I put you on with him,
#295
⇓
he's asked me to ask you a question.
#296
⇓
Okay, you can ask me a question.
#297
⇓
Yeah, he wants to know if you'll go out for dinner with him tomorrow night.
#298
⇓
Oh really? Yes!
#299
⇓
Yes, of course, I will! Of course! Oh yes! Yes!
#300
⇓
Yes, of course!
#301
⇓
Yes, that's great, Jen.
#302
⇓
Now let me fill you in on what's happening.
#303
⇓
Daniel's doing very well although he has just used his 50/50.
#304
⇓
Now, here's Daniel. Daniel, you got 30 seconds.
#305
⇓
Starting from... now!
#306
⇓
– Okay, Jen. – Hi, Daniel.
#307
⇓
Yeah, hi Jen, Jen, okay...
#308
⇓
who composed The Wooden Prince?
#309
⇓
Was it A) Bartok, B) Chopin ?
#310
⇓
Did you see "I'm a Millionaire" last night?
#311
⇓
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" it's called. No, I didn't.
#312
⇓
Well, you are not going to Adam and beliEVE this.
#313
⇓
Okay, do these make me look like a bastard?
#314
⇓
Why do you wanna look like a bastard?
#315
⇓
I've got that date tonight, she's expecting a monster.
#316
⇓
Do these me make look like a bastard?
#317
⇓
They make you look like an idiot.
#318
⇓
– Anyway, did you see it? – What?
#319
⇓
"Do you want to be a Millionaire?"
#320
⇓
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
#321
⇓
"Who wants to be a person who is wrong?"
#322
⇓
What's happened?
#323
⇓
– If I may... – Sure.
#324
⇓
Guess who was on it last night!
#325
⇓
– You! – No, Daniel.
#326
⇓
– King of men. – Daniel was on "Millionaire"?
#327
⇓
Indeed he was, sir.
#328
⇓
And it was the "Do you want to phone a friend"...
#329
⇓
– It's just "Phone a friend". – Anyway.
#330
⇓
She was the "phone a friend"?
#331
⇓
– She was the "phone a friend". – You're the "phone a friend"!
#332
⇓
What was the subject?
#333
⇓
Classical music is the extraordinary answer to that question.
#334
⇓
So who of course is Daniel, our estimed temp security guard, going to phone
#335
⇓
but Jonathan Miller over here.
#336
⇓
Think Daniel was on Millionaire. Too bad it wasn't 50/50.
#337
⇓
It was.
#338
⇓
– And? – I got it wrong.
#339
⇓
I cost 31,000 pounds.
#340
⇓
It isn't funny though.
#341
⇓
Now I have to go on a date with him.
#342
⇓
Wow! The rules on that show have really changed!
#343
⇓
No, you don't understand.
#344
⇓
He asked me out
#345
⇓
on the show
#346
⇓
before I got the question wrong.
#347
⇓
It was all very romantic.
#348
⇓
But now...
#349
⇓
I don't think he likes me now.
#350
⇓
And I don't wanna go out with the biggest loser in England...
#351
⇓
There you are!
#352
⇓
Daniel...
#353
⇓
– Hello. – Hi.
#354
⇓
– Gonna go for this meal then. – Yeah.
#355
⇓
Yeah, I can't wait.
#356
⇓
I'm gonna take you to one of my favourite restaurants.
#357
⇓
Right.
#358
⇓
I'll pay.
#359
⇓
– It really is the least I can do. – Oh yeah...
#360
⇓
Oh my God!
#361
⇓
Did you see that look?
#362
⇓
I have a dinner date with that man.
#363
⇓
If I'm not here tomorrow, I want you to call the police.
#364
⇓
Maybe not the best time to mention it, but also you owe me 20 quids.
#365
⇓
What? You got a response?
#366
⇓
With the one that ended: "No dogs"?
#367
⇓
Yep.
#368
⇓
Oh my God, brilliant! More money gone!
#369
⇓
Now the money that Daniel lost wasn't really yours, was it?
#370
⇓
It would have been if I'd married him, Moss.
#371
⇓
I need a good restaurant.
#372
⇓
Maybe if he likes the food, he won't beat me to death with a shoe.
#373
⇓
I thought you said you'd take him to one of your favourite restaurants.
#374
⇓
Haven't you got it yet?
#375
⇓
That's what I do:
#376
⇓
I lie...
#377
⇓
I lie and I lie and...
#378
⇓
I lie!
#379
⇓
Well, I went to a good place recently.
#380
⇓
Nice atmosphere. Food's great.
#381
⇓
– Really? – Yes. Why?
#382
⇓
Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.
#383
⇓
I'm a restaurant person.
#384
⇓
Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person?
#385
⇓
Cheese string?
#386
⇓
No, thanks.
#387
⇓
What's this place called?
#388
⇓
Messijoes.
#389
⇓
– Is that French? – French? No, it's English.
#390
⇓
Okay, thank you, Moss. Yeah, I'll uh...
#391
⇓
I'll give that a go.
#392
⇓
Okay, I need a place to bring this girl
#393
⇓
that says: "I'm a bastard."
#394
⇓
Well, I went to a good place recently.
#395
⇓
Nice atmosphere. Food's great. It's got a bit of an edge.
#396
⇓
Yeah? What's it called?
#397
⇓
Messijoes.
#398
⇓
What is that? Spanish?
#399
⇓
No! Spanish? It's English. Messijoes.
#400
⇓
Okey dokey, you get the firecracker nachos.
#401
⇓
And you are getting the prawn bites with spicy salsa.
#402
⇓
This seems an unusual place for someone like you to want to meet.
#403
⇓
Yeah but...
#404
⇓
everyone needs a place to come to be alone.
#405
⇓
Look at me! Yeah! Look at me!
#406
⇓
Get a clown over here, please!
#407
⇓
You're a loner?
#408
⇓
I'm a loner all right.
#409
⇓
I'm just a...
#410
⇓
lonely loner
#411
⇓
on a lonely road.
#412
⇓
Alone.
#413
⇓
Do you always wear shades?
#414
⇓
Always.
#415
⇓
They help me hide the fact
#416
⇓
I'm always lying
#417
⇓
to women.
#418
⇓
Everyone is having having fun, fun, fun.
#419
⇓
'Cause everything is nice and everyone is friendly.
#420
⇓
Lots of friendly faces having fun, fun, fun.
#421
⇓
'Cause everything is nice and everyone is friendly.
#422
⇓
– Smile and the world will... – Excuse me! Excuse me!
#423
⇓
It's just... It's not... Sorry, it's just not appropriate at the moment.
#424
⇓
You're that bloke off the telly!
#425
⇓
And you must be the woman he phoned! Brilliant!
#426
⇓
Funniest thing I've seen in ages.
#427
⇓
God! I'm a bastard!
#428
⇓
Yes. So you keep saying.
#429
⇓
Trouble... It's basically what I am.
#430
⇓
Thank you.
#431
⇓
You know something?
#432
⇓
I don't think you're a bastard at all.
#433
⇓
I am so.
#434
⇓
I am a complete tool.
#435
⇓
Oh my God!
#436
⇓
No don't, don't! Don't hit him!
#437
⇓
I know her.
#438
⇓
Hey! What's going on?
#439
⇓
Stay out of this, Fonzy!
#440
⇓
You're fighting in front of kids!
#441
⇓
I don't care!
#442
⇓
You're a brute!
#443
⇓
This bloke just insulted me!
#444
⇓
Hey! Bit more careful with the clown shoe there, Mister.
#445
⇓
Just hold your head back.
#446
⇓
Oh God!
#447
⇓
He caught me by surprise.
#448
⇓
When I see him tomorrow...
#449
⇓
– That was his last day. – Thank God!
#450
⇓
Oh my God, look!
#451
⇓
If you're coming, can you just bloody hurry up!
#452
⇓
– I'm coming! I... – God's sake!
#453
⇓
I just need to take my shoes off.
#454
⇓
They look like such fruits.
#455
⇓
– I'll call you a cab. – No, no, it's fine.
#456
⇓
– Taxi! – I'll get my bus.
#457
⇓
Don't be stupid, it's cold. Taxi!
#458
⇓
– Here. – Oh God.
#459
⇓
Here you can have your 20 back.
#460
⇓
I don't really think the bet proved anything. Taxi!
#461
⇓
Thanks, Roy.
#462
⇓
– I just want... – Nice date!
#463
⇓
Just a lonely loner walking a lonely road.
#464
⇓
Hi, girls.
#465
⇓
My name is Maurice Moss. Or Moss for short.
#466
⇓
Sorry about the sound quality
#467
⇓
but I'm having to do this in the toilet of my mom's house.
#468
⇓
She's watching Diagnosis Murder at full volume.
#469
⇓
And it drives me up the wall.
#470
⇓
Don't worry, though. I'm sitting on the toilet but I'm not using it.
#471
⇓
What?
#472
⇓
– Moss? – Yes?
#473
⇓
What you doing in there?
#474
⇓
Number 2s, leave me alone!
#475
⇓
Don't forget to flush the toilet.
#476
⇓
Don't clog it up like you usually do.
#477
⇓
I know! Just stop doing this! You're always doing this!
#478
⇓
You're making it going back in!
#479
⇓
Now, my type...
#480
⇓
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