♥ Saved GIFs

Loading…

View all favorites →

Home » The IT Crowd » S01E03 — Fifty-Fifty

The IT Crowd

Season 1, Episode 3 — Fifty-Fifty

TMDB episode metadata

Show: The IT Crowd

Episode title: Fifty-Fifty

Air date: February 10, 2006

Director: Graham Linehan

Top billed cast: Chris O'Dowd, Richard Ayoade, Katherine Parkinson

Moss and Roy go on a lonely hearts website. Meanwhile Jen meets the man of her dreams.

Source: TMDB

↓

Here we are!

↓

Your place... your place...

place

↓

La maison... de la femme...

↓

El casa del signorita...

↓

Das haus die Frau...

↓

Good night!

night

↓

I'll just walk you to the door.

door walk

↓

– There's no need. – That's okay.

↓

So...

↓

I guess this is "arrivederci".

↓

I'd quite fancy a cup of tea though.

fancy

↓

A glass of water maybe.

glass water

↓

Perhaps a little lie down.

perhaps

↓

Look...

↓

I have to tell you something.

↓

What?

↓

I wanted to tell you in the restaurant but...

restaurant wanted

↓

it... a good time never came up and I...

↓

– I wasn't gonna say it but... – Say it.

↓

I have to.

↓

What?

↓

You've got shit on your head.

head

↓

What?

↓

There's some shit on your head.

head

↓

What?

↓

Where? Where?

↓

It's been there forever.

forever

↓

Oh God! Oh God!

↓

It's chocolate!

chocolate

↓

It's chocolate!

chocolate

↓

It's not shit!

↓

It's not shit!

↓

It's..

↓

It's my dessert.

dessert

↓

I don't know how it got there but uh...

↓

It's on my fingers.

fingers

↓

It's not shit!

↓

Thank God for that!

↓

You know, I just spent the last hour

hour spent

↓

thinking you were some sort of disgusting tramp.

disgusting thinking tramp

↓

Oh no!

↓

That's funny!

funny

↓

– Oh God look! – What?

↓

It's chocolate!

chocolate

↓

How about that cup of tea now?

↓

I was a perfect gentleman last night from beginning to end

beginning gentleman night perfect

↓

but she can't see past a little bit of shit on my forehead!

forehead past

↓

I thought you said it was chocolate.

chocolate

↓

Yes, chocolate, yes! I meant chocolate.

chocolate meant

↓

I forgot to turn this thing on.

forgot

↓

Hello, IT.

↓

Hi, something's wrong with my computer.

computer somethings

↓

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

tried tried-turning turning

↓

Oh No! No, oh Dear, thanks.

dear thanks

↓

You're welcome then.

welcome

↓

It's typical.

typical

↓

The one time I manage to bamboozle a girl in the building

building girl manage

↓

into going out with me and this happens.

happens

↓

She's gonna tell everyone!

↓

Oh come on! She's a receptionist,

↓

she'd hardly gossip.

gossip hardly shed

↓

Besides it's a boring story.

besides boring boring-story story

↓

Yeah... that's boring.

boring

↓

It's boring, she won't tell anyone.

boring

↓

Hello.

↓

Sorry guys.

↓

She might have told Jen.

might

↓

No, that's what I'm saying.

↓

It wasn't. It was...

↓

It was chocolate. It was chocolate.

chocolate

↓

I don't know... I don't know... it...

↓

it got on my fingers and then I must have...

fingers must

↓

Listen...

↓

how did you even hear about this, mom?

↓

Moss... Moss, there's a spider in my office.

moss office spider

↓

Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.

deal hate spiders

↓

I'm not overly fond of them myself there, Jen.

fond overly

↓

How...

↓

How big is... Whoa! Hey now!

whoa

↓

I'll tell you what.

↓

I actually recommend my good friend Roy there

friend recommend

↓

as the go-to guy on anything

↓

with more than 7 eyes.

eyes

↓

He's on a very brief personal call right now.

brief personal

↓

Come, Moss. Don't be silly.

moss silly

↓

You're right, I'm being silly. Wrap it up, Roy!

silly wrap

↓

It's just a spider. It's fine.

spider

↓

Oh look! It seems to have left of its own volition.

left seems

↓

Oh, be a man, Moss!

moss

↓

You're right, I'll be a man. I'm a man.

↓

Please don't shut the door.

door

↓

I won't.

↓

Goodbye, Jen.

goodbye

↓

That was my mother.

mother

↓

How did she hear about this?

↓

Oh, was that the woman who phoned earlier?

phoned woman

↓

'Cause I've just been telling everybody.

everybody telling telling-everybody

↓

Why would you want to go out with Patricia anyway?

patricia

↓

I mean, her last boyfriend was Simon from 3rd.

boyfriend simon

↓

– Jen! – Hey, you!

↓

Hello there.

↓

Have you caught it yet?

caught

↓

Not quite, Jen.

↓

The spider's managed to walk behind me.

behind managed spiders walk

↓

And it's between me and the door.

door

↓

So I can't get out.

↓

Simon from 3rd is the one with the hair.

hair simon

↓

Oh, him! Oh, he's awful.

awful

↓

He once ate a copy of Loaded for a bet.

copy loaded

↓

– She liked him? – Apparently.

apparently liked

↓

That explains everything!

explains

↓

She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy who eats Loaders.

eats likes obnoxious

↓

Hello, Daniel.

daniel

↓

How are you?

↓

I'm great, thanks. How are you?

thanks

↓

I'm great.

↓

Well, can either of you tell me... Okay... Okay...

↓

who wrote Missa Brevis in D minor? Was it Mozart or Beethoven?

beethoven minor mozart wrote

↓

That was a certain Mr. Mozart, I think you'll find.

certain mozart

↓

Oh right, do you know a lot about classical music?

classical classical-music music

↓

– Petit pois. – Oh, right.

petit

↓

Mozart, Beethoven, 50/50 ain't it?

aint beethoven mozart

↓

Actually, no, you were right. It was Mozart.

mozart

↓

Well it's... It was...

↓

Okay, so, let's try another one.

another

↓

Okay. Here we go. In what year did Mozart die?

mozart

↓

– Was it 1780 or 1791? – 1791.

↓

Yes! Yes! Bang on! Good!

bang

↓

God! I hope he doesn't come in again!

hope

↓

– Jen! – Yes!

↓

Is Roy off the phone yet? The spider is now upon my person.

person phone spider

↓

You guys don't mind me chilling out in here, do you?

chilling mind

↓

No. Chill out!

chill

↓

So did you see the match last night?

match night

↓

– Oh yeah! – Oh yeah!

↓

– God! – Did we?

↓

What a match!

match

↓

All of the players running up...

players running

↓

the pitch...

pitch

↓

and running down it again. Such athleticism!

running

↓

What was Rooney thinking over there?

thinking

↓

Who knows! That's Rooney!

knows

↓

He is a foolish boy!

foolish

↓

Yeah but... that referee... I'm sorry the referee is just an idiot.

idiot

↓

Yes, he was certainly the villain of the piece.

certainly piece villain

↓

Daniel, you're still here.

daniel

↓

Yeah, just... just having a little break.

break having

↓

Do you wanna come and join me?

join

↓

Stop it!

↓

Well, I'd better... I'd better... hit this way.

↓

Oh by the way, guys, if you need any help with any more spiders,

spiders

↓

just give me a call, okay?

↓

Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.

thanks

↓

Actually, do you have a card?

card

↓

That is good. See you.

↓

You like him!

↓

Who?

↓

Oh, that good looking man with "Security"

looking security

↓

written on his shoulders? Yes!

shoulders written

↓

Yes, I do.

↓

He seems really nice.

seems

↓

Nice!

↓

'Cause that's what you women want! Nice guys!

women

↓

Hello, IT!

↓

What are you talking about, Roy?

↓

If my date last night proved anything, it's that you, ladies,

date ladies night proved

↓

you don't want nice guys.

↓

I think if your date proved anything, Roy,

date proved

↓

it's that women like men without poo on their foreheads.

foreheads women

↓

That's our type.

type

↓

That has nothing to do with this.

↓

She clearly just didn't want a gentleman in her life.

gentleman life

↓

I hate to generalize, you know that.

hate

↓

But all women just want bastards.

bastards women

↓

That women liking bastards thing is a total myth.

bastards liking myth total women

↓

I've tried turning it off and on again and nothing happened.

happened tried tried-turning turning

↓

Is it definitely plugged in?

plugged

↓

Oh, let me have a look.

↓

Oh, sorry, that's it, thanks very much.

thanks

↓

You're welcome then.

welcome

↓

It's just not true.

↓

Women don't want gentlemen, they want bullies and thugs.

bullies gentlemen thugs women

↓

I'll prove it to you.

prove

↓

How will you prove it to me, Roy?

prove

↓

Oh! Okay.

↓

I'll put a... I'll put on a classified ad online.

classified online

↓

A classified?

classified

↓

Yeah, like a lonely hearts thing

hearts lonely

↓

but I'll make it sound psychotic.

psychotic sound

↓

And I still bet I'll get a bezillion replies.

↓

Oh, dear God.

dear

↓

Come on. How much?

↓

Okay. Yeah, I'll give you 20 quid if you get 1 response.

response

↓

You're on!

↓

Oh my God, no!

↓

It's all about body fluids with you, isn't it?

body fluids

↓

Come on, Moss! We need to get to work.

moss

↓

Work?

↓

Yeah, we need to post a classified lonely hearts ad online

classified hearts lonely online post

↓

that makes me sound like a psycho so that I can prove to Jen

makes prove psycho sound

↓

that all women love bastards and therefore win 20 pounds.

bastards love pounds therefore women

↓

Thank God! I thought that thing was broken.

broken

↓

"Shut up! Do what I tell you! I'm not interested!"

interested

↓

These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad.

answer hearing

↓

"I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself."

care idiot

↓

"PS: No dogs."

dogs

↓

– That's good. – What's yours?

↓

Mine doesn't look any good now.

↓

Go on.

↓

"I'm going to murder you."

murder

↓

"You bloody woman!"

bloody woman

↓

Might want to play a bit hard to get.

hard might

↓

If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be?

murderer nickname

↓

Mine would be "The Gardener",

↓

'cause I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.

crime rose scene

↓

What would your murder weapon be?

murder weapon

↓

A hammer.

hammer

↓

Hey, Moss.

moss

↓

"Would you like to go for dinner with me?"

dinner

↓

"And then maybe back to my place?"

place

↓

I'd love to, Jen, but I'm actually helping Roy at the moment.

helping love moment

↓

No. No, no, no. Who does this remind you of, yeah?

remind

↓

"Do you wanna go on a date with me?"

date

↓

Gandhi?

gandhi

↓

No, no, the other one. Bono.

↓

No, no, I was doing Roy.

↓

Yes, yes, it's like there was 2 of me.

↓

Come on. Get your money ready. 20 pounds.

money pounds ready

↓

Hey! Hello.

↓

It's security.

security

↓

I hope I'm not in any danger.

danger hope

↓

Oh my God!

↓

It's not shit!

↓

On my head, it's not shit!

head

↓

It's chocolate spread.

chocolate spread

↓

– Taste it! – No!

taste

↓

Look!

↓

Look!

↓

Ringo Starr?

↓

I'll be wondering about that all night!

night wondering

↓

How do you know about this site?

site

↓

I'm a member.

member

↓

Really? You do the whole lonely hearts thing?

hearts lonely whole

↓

I'm a 32-year-old IT man who works in a basement.

basement works

↓

Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.

hearts lonely whole

↓

So, as you can clearly see, it wasn't...

↓

excrement, it was chocolate.

chocolate

↓

I was playing a joke. It was chocolate.

chocolate joke playing

↓

Jen, it's okay, I've got it. Don't worry about it.

worry

↓

Listen, what are you doing tonight?

tonight

↓

– I've got a response! – That was quick!

quick response

↓

Yeah, why is it taking so long to download?

download

↓

Something happened with the router this morning.

happened morning

↓

We're back to pre-broadband speed.

speed

↓

Dear...

dear

↓

But we're on the phone now.

phone

↓

Why can't you just ask me now?

↓

Can't Jen, trust me.

trust

↓

Why should I trust you?

trust

↓

Because I know what's good for you.

↓

Listen, you have to be home between 8 and 9 tonight, are you gonna be home?

home tonight

↓

Okay, this sounds exciting.

exciting sounds

↓

It might not happen, okay? But hopefully it will.

happen hopefully might

↓

Now I don't know if this is exciting or not...

exciting

↓

Jen... Jen, it's exciting!

exciting

↓

"...would be very interested in meeting up and talking it over."

interested meeting

↓

"Love, Rebecca."

love rebecca

↓

Oh my God! What did we write again?

write

↓

It started with "shut up".

started

↓

There's more.

↓

"I attached a photograph for your approval...

approval attached photograph

↓

"or not!" Exclamation mark.

exclamation mark

↓

All right, let's have a look at you, you mad thing.

↓

Nice hair so far.

hair

↓

– Eyebrows seem normal. – Two eyes.

eyebrows eyes normal

↓

That's the best amount of eyes.

amount best eyes

↓

Nice eyes too.

eyes

↓

It has to go around. She must have a shite nose.

must nose shite

↓

Do you remember the Internet at this speed?

internet remember speed

↓

Up all night and you'd see 8 women.

night women

↓

– Good nose. – That is a good nose.

nose

↓

The mouth has to be wrong. There's gotta be something wrong with her mouth.

mouth

↓

Now that's a good looking woman.

looking woman

↓

Should I tell Jen we got a reply?

reply

↓

Roy?

↓

Roy?

↓

Roy!

↓

Roy!

↓

Hello, Daniel! I mean, hello.

daniel

↓

Jen? Hello, it's Chris Tarrant from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

chris millionaire wants

↓

Oh my God! Oh my God!

↓

Chris Tarrant, hello!

chris

↓

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

↓

Jen the next voice you hear is gonna be Daniel's...

daniels voice

↓

– Daniel's, Ok. – But before I put you on with him,

daniels

↓

he's asked me to ask you a question.

asked question

↓

Okay, you can ask me a question.

question

↓

Yeah, he wants to know if you'll go out for dinner with him tomorrow night.

dinner night tomorrow tomorrow-night wants

↓

Oh really? Yes!

↓

Yes, of course, I will! Of course! Oh yes! Yes!

course

↓

Yes, of course!

course

↓

Yes, that's great, Jen.

↓

Now let me fill you in on what's happening.

fill

↓

Daniel's doing very well although he has just used his 50/50.

daniels used

↓

Now, here's Daniel. Daniel, you got 30 seconds.

daniel seconds

↓

Starting from... now!

starting

↓

– Okay, Jen. – Hi, Daniel.

daniel

↓

Yeah, hi Jen, Jen, okay...

↓

who composed The Wooden Prince?

composed prince wooden

↓

Was it A) Bartok, B) Chopin ?

↓

Did you see "I'm a Millionaire" last night?

millionaire night

↓

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" it's called. No, I didn't.

called millionaire wants

↓

Well, you are not going to Adam and beliEVE this.

adam believe

↓

Okay, do these make me look like a bastard?

bastard

↓

Why do you wanna look like a bastard?

bastard

↓

I've got that date tonight, she's expecting a monster.

date date-tonight expecting monster tonight

↓

Do these me make look like a bastard?

bastard

↓

They make you look like an idiot.

idiot

↓

– Anyway, did you see it? – What?

↓

"Do you want to be a Millionaire?"

millionaire

↓

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

millionaire wants

↓

"Who wants to be a person who is wrong?"

person wants

↓

What's happened?

happened

↓

– If I may... – Sure.

↓

Guess who was on it last night!

night

↓

– You! – No, Daniel.

daniel

↓

– King of men. – Daniel was on "Millionaire"?

daniel king millionaire

↓

Indeed he was, sir.

indeed

↓

And it was the "Do you want to phone a friend"...

friend phone

↓

– It's just "Phone a friend". – Anyway.

friend phone

↓

She was the "phone a friend"?

friend phone

↓

– She was the "phone a friend". – You're the "phone a friend"!

friend phone

↓

What was the subject?

subject

↓

Classical music is the extraordinary answer to that question.

answer classical classical-music extraordinary music question

↓

So who of course is Daniel, our estimed temp security guard, going to phone

course daniel guard phone security security-guard temp

↓

but Jonathan Miller over here.

jonathan miller

↓

Think Daniel was on Millionaire. Too bad it wasn't 50/50.

daniel millionaire

↓

It was.

↓

– And? – I got it wrong.

↓

I cost 31,000 pounds.

cost pounds

↓

It isn't funny though.

funny

↓

Now I have to go on a date with him.

date

↓

Wow! The rules on that show have really changed!

changed rules

↓

No, you don't understand.

↓

He asked me out

asked

↓

on the show

↓

before I got the question wrong.

question

↓

It was all very romantic.

romantic

↓

But now...

↓

I don't think he likes me now.

likes

↓

And I don't wanna go out with the biggest loser in England...

biggest england loser

↓

There you are!

↓

Daniel...

daniel

↓

– Hello. – Hi.

↓

– Gonna go for this meal then. – Yeah.

meal

↓

Yeah, I can't wait.

↓

I'm gonna take you to one of my favourite restaurants.

favourite restaurants

↓

Right.

↓

I'll pay.

↓

– It really is the least I can do. – Oh yeah...

least

↓

Oh my God!

↓

Did you see that look?

↓

I have a dinner date with that man.

date dinner

↓

If I'm not here tomorrow, I want you to call the police.

police tomorrow

↓

Maybe not the best time to mention it, but also you owe me 20 quids.

best mention

↓

What? You got a response?

response

↓

With the one that ended: "No dogs"?

dogs ended

↓

Yep.

↓

Oh my God, brilliant! More money gone!

brilliant gone money

↓

Now the money that Daniel lost wasn't really yours, was it?

daniel lost money

↓

It would have been if I'd married him, Moss.

married moss

↓

I need a good restaurant.

restaurant

↓

Maybe if he likes the food, he won't beat me to death with a shoe.

beat death food likes shoe

↓

I thought you said you'd take him to one of your favourite restaurants.

favourite restaurants

↓

Haven't you got it yet?

↓

That's what I do:

↓

I lie...

↓

I lie and I lie and...

↓

I lie!

↓

Well, I went to a good place recently.

place recently

↓

Nice atmosphere. Food's great.

atmosphere foods

↓

– Really? – Yes. Why?

↓

Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.

person restaurant

↓

I'm a restaurant person.

person restaurant

↓

Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person?

person restaurant

↓

Cheese string?

cheese string

↓

No, thanks.

thanks

↓

What's this place called?

called place place-called

↓

Messijoes.

↓

– Is that French? – French? No, it's English.

english french

↓

Okay, thank you, Moss. Yeah, I'll uh...

moss

↓

I'll give that a go.

↓

Okay, I need a place to bring this girl

bring girl place

↓

that says: "I'm a bastard."

bastard

↓

Well, I went to a good place recently.

place recently

↓

Nice atmosphere. Food's great. It's got a bit of an edge.

atmosphere edge foods

↓

Yeah? What's it called?

called

↓

Messijoes.

↓

What is that? Spanish?

spanish

↓

No! Spanish? It's English. Messijoes.

english spanish

↓

Okey dokey, you get the firecracker nachos.

dokey firecracker nachos okey okey-dokey

↓

And you are getting the prawn bites with spicy salsa.

bites salsa spicy

↓

This seems an unusual place for someone like you to want to meet.

meet place seems unusual

↓

Yeah but...

↓

everyone needs a place to come to be alone.

alone needs place

↓

Look at me! Yeah! Look at me!

↓

Get a clown over here, please!

clown

↓

You're a loner?

loner

↓

I'm a loner all right.

loner

↓

I'm just a...

↓

lonely loner

lonely loner

↓

on a lonely road.

lonely road

↓

Alone.

alone

↓

Do you always wear shades?

shades wear

↓

Always.

↓

They help me hide the fact

fact hide

↓

I'm always lying

lying

↓

to women.

women

↓

Everyone is having having fun, fun, fun.

fun having

↓

'Cause everything is nice and everyone is friendly.

friendly

↓

Lots of friendly faces having fun, fun, fun.

faces friendly friendly-faces fun having lots

↓

'Cause everything is nice and everyone is friendly.

friendly

↓

– Smile and the world will... – Excuse me! Excuse me!

excuse smile world

↓

It's just... It's not... Sorry, it's just not appropriate at the moment.

appropriate moment

↓

You're that bloke off the telly!

bloke

↓

And you must be the woman he phoned! Brilliant!

brilliant must phoned woman

↓

Funniest thing I've seen in ages.

ages funniest seen

↓

God! I'm a bastard!

bastard

↓

Yes. So you keep saying.

↓

Trouble... It's basically what I am.

trouble

↓

Thank you.

↓

You know something?

↓

I don't think you're a bastard at all.

bastard

↓

I am so.

↓

I am a complete tool.

complete tool

↓

Oh my God!

↓

No don't, don't! Don't hit him!

↓

I know her.

↓

Hey! What's going on?

↓

Stay out of this, Fonzy!

↓

You're fighting in front of kids!

fighting front kids

↓

I don't care!

care

↓

You're a brute!

brute

↓

This bloke just insulted me!

bloke insulted

↓

Hey! Bit more careful with the clown shoe there, Mister.

careful clown mister shoe

↓

Just hold your head back.

head

↓

Oh God!

↓

He caught me by surprise.

caught surprise

↓

When I see him tomorrow...

tomorrow

↓

– That was his last day. – Thank God!

↓

Oh my God, look!

↓

If you're coming, can you just bloody hurry up!

bloody coming hurry

↓

– I'm coming! I... – God's sake!

coming gods gods-sake sake

↓

I just need to take my shoes off.

shoes

↓

They look like such fruits.

↓

– I'll call you a cab. – No, no, it's fine.

↓

– Taxi! – I'll get my bus.

taxi

↓

Don't be stupid, it's cold. Taxi!

cold stupid taxi

↓

– Here. – Oh God.

↓

Here you can have your 20 back.

↓

I don't really think the bet proved anything. Taxi!

proved taxi

↓

Thanks, Roy.

thanks

↓

– I just want... – Nice date!

date

↓

Just a lonely loner walking a lonely road.

lonely loner road walking

↓

Hi, girls.

girls

↓

My name is Maurice Moss. Or Moss for short.

maurice moss name short

↓

Sorry about the sound quality

quality sound

↓

but I'm having to do this in the toilet of my mom's house.

having house moms moms-house toilet

↓

She's watching Diagnosis Murder at full volume.

diagnosis full murder volume watching

↓

And it drives me up the wall.

drives wall

↓

Don't worry, though. I'm sitting on the toilet but I'm not using it.

sitting toilet using worry

↓

What?

↓

– Moss? – Yes?

moss

↓

What you doing in there?

↓

Number 2s, leave me alone!

alone number

↓

Don't forget to flush the toilet.

flush forget toilet

↓

Don't clog it up like you usually do.

clog usually

↓

I know! Just stop doing this! You're always doing this!

↓

You're making it going back in!

↓

Now, my type...

type