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The IT Crowd
» S01E02 — Calamity Jen
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Season 1, Episode 2 — Calamity Jen
The IT Crowd - 1x02 - Calamity Jen
#1
⇓
Has this... ever happened to you?
#2
⇓
From today, dialling 999 won't get you the emergency services.
#3
⇓
And that's not the only thing that's changing.
#4
⇓
Nicer ambulances, faster response times,
#5
⇓
and better looking drivers
#6
⇓
mean they're not just the emergency services,
#7
⇓
they're "your" emergency services. So...
#8
⇓
Remember the new number:
#9
⇓
That's...
#10
⇓
Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble...
#11
⇓
Well that's easy to remember!
#12
⇓
0118 999 881 999 119 725...
#13
⇓
...3!
#14
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I don't know why they just couldn't keep it as it was!
#15
⇓
How hard is it to remember 911?
#16
⇓
– You mean 999... – I mean 999!
#17
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– That's the American one! – Yeah!
#18
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– You berk! – Come on, are you ready?
#19
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I don't know what to say really it's fun...
#20
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there are some many issues in the world,
#21
⇓
They are beautiful, I love them...
#22
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in fact they're the most beautiful shoes I've ever seen but...
#23
⇓
you know, I can't have everything that I love,
#24
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otherwise I'd own lots of things, and actually they're red,
#25
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which is quite tarty, and they don't necessarily go with any of my outfits...
#26
⇓
Come on you crazy bitch!
#27
⇓
Come on!
#28
⇓
Come on!
#29
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– Denholm's called the general. – Oh God, another one!
#30
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Yeah!
#31
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I bet he declares war on something!
#32
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He loves declaring war!
#33
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I am declaring...
#34
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WAR!
#35
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I can see that got your attention.
#36
⇓
What am I declaring war on?
#37
⇓
My bollocks?!
#38
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Stress!
#39
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Stress is a disease, people, and I am a cure!
#40
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I'm a doctor with a cure.
#41
⇓
No, no! I'm a General! And it's still a war!
#42
⇓
A war on disease!
#43
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Stress!
#44
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There's too much stress around here.
#45
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They're very expensive and besides,
#46
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the woman in the shop said they were way too small for me.
#47
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– You see you know, be practical, go on! – In the time...
#48
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I've been speaking,
#49
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over 18 million people have died of stress.
#50
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That's another one.
#51
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That's another one.
#52
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More...
#53
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Mayhem!
#54
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We gotta deal with it!
#55
⇓
– Are you ready to deal with it? – Yeah!
#56
⇓
Say: "I hate stress!"
#57
⇓
– I hate stress! – No!
#58
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You didn't let me finish.
#59
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Say: "I hate stress..."
#60
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and I want to limitate its influence in my life,
#61
⇓
what can I do about it? Anyone?
#62
⇓
Have a bath?
#63
⇓
Have a bath?
#64
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Get a bike!
#65
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I cycle to work... everyday!
#66
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70 miles!
#67
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Both here, and here...
#68
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are as red as a fire engine!
#69
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Any other ideas?
#70
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Jen, what about you?
#71
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Shoes!
#72
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– What? – Shoes!
#73
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Well, shoes...
#74
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Ok, look!
#75
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I have invited Dr. Julian Holmes
#76
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to come and give a class at lunchtime.
#77
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He is Europe's leading stress expert.
#78
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They call him:" Stressperts!"
#79
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Anyone interested in coming along picking up
#80
⇓
a few tips on how to manage stress?
#81
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There's a free buffet...
#82
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Good!
#83
⇓
Good people.
#84
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Oh! By the way!
#85
⇓
Anyone still experiencing stress at the end of the day...
#86
⇓
will be fired!
#87
⇓
It's not going on!
#88
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Yeah, I think it is so. Just down angle it a bit more.
#89
⇓
Are you sure you're a 5?
#90
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– I'm not a liar. – Yeah, but I mean I can't...
#91
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Just... just...
#92
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I can feel the heel going into the shoe.
#93
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Just down angle a bit more...
#94
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There is no angle, but I could...
#95
⇓
Don't let me push you away!
#96
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Just lean in with the shoe. Lean in...
#97
⇓
with the shoe!
#98
⇓
Lean in!
#99
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We've been here... for half an hour.
#100
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The shoes aren't going on!
#101
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They're two sizes too small.
#102
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And even if they did go on,
#103
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they would cripple you.
#104
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You don't want that, do you?
#105
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I myself, have been subject to some...
#106
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terrible rages, but... Yes?
#107
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– I'm sorry. Is this the stress class? – Oh yeah. Come on in.
#108
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Thank you.
#109
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Moss!
#110
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This is in here! Moss!
#111
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Just come in.
#112
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Thank you.
#113
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Ok.
#114
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Are you all right?
#115
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As I was saying...
#116
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I myself have been subject to some terrible rages.
#117
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Where I've...
#118
⇓
snapped at my wife, or spoken harshly
#119
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to a work colleague, because of stress.
#120
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If I... just... thinking about it now, I realise I'm...
#121
⇓
raising my voice.
#122
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I'm sorry.
#123
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Stress is the main cause of heart attacks.
#124
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And even a little bit... well...
#125
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Let me show you what stress can do.
#126
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I'm gonna need a volunteer.
#127
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Yes. Come on up.
#128
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That's fine. Can I have your left hand there? The back?
#129
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And just relax there.
#130
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I'm gonna ask you a very personal question.
#131
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There we are, you see?
#132
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Sorry, I'm not gonna ask you anything at all.
#133
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That's just to show how little is needed
#134
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to send downstress levels shooting up.
#135
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Just a simple statement like that
#136
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is registered very strongly on the display.
#137
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– Yes, another volunteer? – Yeah.
#138
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Ok.
#139
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I'll have... just this off.
#140
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Ah! There it goes! Yes, raise up!
#141
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Look at that! Brilliant!
#142
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Brilliant, excellent! It's a super machine!
#143
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Wow, great shoes!
#144
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Thank you very much.
#145
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I really envy women with dainty feet.
#146
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What are you? A five?
#147
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Yeah! Five...
#148
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Well, just a little misunderstanding there I imagine. So...
#149
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– Huh let's move on... with... – Wow!
#150
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I actually haven't had a proper go yet.
#151
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Well, I don't need attach... can't, what's happened there...
#152
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Actually, I don't think that's fair...
#153
⇓
I would like a go, and I think
#154
⇓
Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady.
#155
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Well, I think I should go first!
#156
⇓
I see, well let's move on...
#157
⇓
– When did you grow a bit? – A little go.
#158
⇓
– We gotta move on... – And I think we could...
#159
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Can we just move on?
#160
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You're old ? Are you very old?
#161
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Let's move on!
#162
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Oh! Shut up!
#163
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What are you eating?
#164
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Muffin.
#165
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A muffin? How can you be hungry,
#166
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you ate a whole chicken at the stress buffet!
#167
⇓
What's that?
#168
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Oh, I've made a stress machine
#169
⇓
to try out for myself, like the one in that class.
#170
⇓
Watch this.
#171
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I'm going to ask myself a very personal question.
#172
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Don't worry, I'm not really going to ask myself any questions.
#173
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Pretty good.
#174
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Not as good as the one in the stress class.
#175
⇓
The shoes!
#176
⇓
What was all that about?
#177
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Well, like all the women, she's shoe mad!
#178
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It's a bit sexist, isn't it?
#179
⇓
Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
#180
⇓
No, but I only know one woman.
#181
⇓
And she just left the room shouting: "the shoes!".
#182
⇓
The needle's freaking out!
#183
⇓
Try not to hurt yourself!
#184
⇓
Moss?
#185
⇓
Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?
#186
⇓
Yes.
#187
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You turned it off?
#188
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Oh I'm fairly sure I did!
#189
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Because, you remember what happened last time, right?
#190
⇓
Yes! That was very funny!
#191
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Well no! No.
#192
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It was very dangerous and someone nearly died!
#193
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Right! No! Yeah!
#194
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I was thinking of a different incident. The one on the golf course.
#195
⇓
What?
#196
⇓
I'm talking about the fire!
#197
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Oh yeah, fire sorry! I always get mixed up between golf and fire.
#198
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– Just make sure it's off! – It is off.
#199
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I think.
#200
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– Well just make sure it is. – I will make sure it is.
#201
⇓
And if it's already off...
#202
⇓
I'll just walk away!
#203
⇓
Will he get off my back! What is he? The soldering iron police?
#204
⇓
It's off...
#205
⇓
that means I turn it... on...
#206
⇓
and just walk away!
#207
⇓
Four! I mean five!
#208
⇓
I mean fire!
#209
⇓
Now let's see what we have here.
#210
⇓
"Stand upright."
#211
⇓
Now, I can't read it...
#212
⇓
Oh, not me!
#213
⇓
I am a giddy-goat!
#214
⇓
Okay.
#215
⇓
"Remove safety clip."
#216
⇓
– Don't look at my feet! – Fire?
#217
⇓
Fire...
#218
⇓
No...?
#219
⇓
"Aim nozzle at base of fire."
#220
⇓
Oh, that is typical!
#221
⇓
Why has it done that?
#222
⇓
"Made in Britain"
#223
⇓
I'll just put this over here, with the rest...
#224
⇓
of the fire.
#225
⇓
011 53... No.
#226
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011 huh...
#227
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0118 999...
#228
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...3!
#229
⇓
Hello? Is this the emergency services?
#230
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Then which country am I speaking to?
#231
⇓
Hello? Hello?
#232
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I know! Yep.
#233
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Okay.
#234
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"Subject:..."
#235
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"...fire!"
#236
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"Dear Sir", stroke, "Madam."
#237
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"I'm writing to inform you of a fire
#238
⇓
"which has broken out at the premises of..."
#239
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No. That's too formal.
#240
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"Dear Sir", stroke, "Madam."
#241
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"Fire!", exclamation mark.
#242
⇓
"Fire!", exclamation mark.
#243
⇓
"Help me!', exclamation mark.
#244
⇓
"123, Carendon road."
#245
⇓
"Looking forward to hearing from you."
#246
⇓
"All the best, Maurice Moss."
#247
⇓
What are you wearing size 5 shoes for, woman? You're at least an 8!
#248
⇓
Eight?
#249
⇓
How dare you?!
#250
⇓
That foot is completely mangled.
#251
⇓
And the other one's even worse.
#252
⇓
You're not wearing these again.
#253
⇓
But I threw away my other shoes,
#254
⇓
what am I supposed to wear?
#255
⇓
Hello! Hello!
#256
⇓
Do you remember me? Can I have a go in your machine now?
#257
⇓
– Oh hello again! – Hi!
#258
⇓
Please thank Yamamoto San for this fine ceremonial sword.
#259
⇓
It is a magnificent symbol of our new merger.
#260
⇓
I am sorry that my gift...
#261
⇓
a huge pair of Doc' Martins,
#262
⇓
is extremely thick and heavy sorts.
#263
⇓
It's so poultry in comparison.
#264
⇓
Please rest assured that my cultural advisor will be fired
#265
⇓
as soon as this meeting is over.
#266
⇓
– These are very heavy shoes. – Yes.
#267
⇓
He feels like... Godzilla!
#268
⇓
Does he?
#269
⇓
Godzilla!
#270
⇓
Go on! Stamp your feet!
#271
⇓
Clap him man!
#272
⇓
Good!
#273
⇓
Oh yeah! The Jap loves it!
#274
⇓
Go on! Break something!
#275
⇓
Put your weight into it!
#276
⇓
You idiot!
#277
⇓
You stupid old...
#278
⇓
You...
#279
⇓
and your big... shoes!
#280
⇓
Oh you're not! You're nothing
#281
⇓
– I am... so... sorry, Denholm. – That was quite a tarring Jen.
#282
⇓
It would have been even worse
#283
⇓
if Paul hadn't been so quick on the profanity buzzer.
#284
⇓
Well done, Paul!
#285
⇓
You're back on the payroll.
#286
⇓
As for you... you're fucked up!
#287
⇓
Shouting at Japs! Mad feet!
#288
⇓
Both classic signs of stress!
#289
⇓
And you know how I feel about stress...
#290
⇓
Go to your office, and wait for me.
#291
⇓
Weirdest thing just happened... Fire!
#292
⇓
Fire!
#293
⇓
I've sent an e-mail. It's fine!
#294
⇓
An e-mail?! It's a fire! Where...
#295
⇓
Where is the precinct extinguisher ?
#296
⇓
– Made in Britain! – This is just like the golf incident!
#297
⇓
You mean the fire incident?
#298
⇓
I mean the fire incident! Of course I mean the fire incident!
#299
⇓
What have you got there?
#300
⇓
Oh I'm in trouble! I'm in real trouble!
#301
⇓
Help me get my shoes on! I gotta get my shoes on!
#302
⇓
Help me get my shoes on before Denholm comes!
#303
⇓
– Denholm's coming? – Yeah.
#304
⇓
And he's got a... fire! Fire! Fire!
#305
⇓
I've taken care of it.
#306
⇓
I have to say I feel a little bit insulted
#307
⇓
by the lack of faith you both display.
#308
⇓
What happened to your feet?
#309
⇓
What is this?
#310
⇓
I think a fire in the office
#311
⇓
demands a little more attention than my feet, don't you?
#312
⇓
How... how did you get the stress machine Roy?
#313
⇓
I... don't really know.
#314
⇓
Met Dr. Holmes by the lift.
#315
⇓
Wasn't he nice? I thought he was a lovely man.
#316
⇓
Yes I thought he was a delight.
#317
⇓
But I met him there by the lift, and he just went... mental!
#318
⇓
And one thing led to another and I just... stole it!
#319
⇓
– You stole it... – Yeah!
#320
⇓
But that's stealing!
#321
⇓
Yeah!
#322
⇓
Didn't know what a stress machine was this morning and now we have 2 of them.
#323
⇓
I hate to remind everyone but
#324
⇓
I've just destroyed a merger
#325
⇓
that probably took hundreds of years to set up,
#326
⇓
the office is on fire, Denholm is furious, so
#327
⇓
could we please concentrate on what's important,
#328
⇓
and help me out with my shoes!
#329
⇓
That could get you into trouble!
#330
⇓
Empty!
#331
⇓
Got a little bit there!
#332
⇓
Oh quick! No, no! Quick, no!
#333
⇓
These are a size 5...
#334
⇓
What are you, eight and a half?
#335
⇓
Shut up!
#336
⇓
– Come on! – I'm pushing!
#337
⇓
Push it! Oh don't let me push you away!
#338
⇓
– Is it in? – Come on!
#339
⇓
Push hard guy!
#340
⇓
The heel went right through!
#341
⇓
Oh my God it hurts so much!
#342
⇓
– Oh now, I'm bleeding! – Jen!
#343
⇓
– Where are you Jen? – It's Denholm!
#344
⇓
What?
#345
⇓
Hide the stress machine!
#346
⇓
The stress machine? What about the fire?!
#347
⇓
Ok! Put the stress machine in Jen's room!
#348
⇓
– He'll never go in there! – But what if he does?
#349
⇓
It doesn't matter! He won't know what it is!
#350
⇓
I can't go to prison Roy!
#351
⇓
They'll rape the flip out of me!
#352
⇓
You! Stall him by the door!
#353
⇓
I stall... How?
#354
⇓
I don't know! Use your womanly ways!
#355
⇓
Ok Moss! Pass me that monitor screen. The broken one.
#356
⇓
There you are!
#357
⇓
Hello there!
#358
⇓
It's no use being womanly with me Jen!
#359
⇓
You're in big trouble!
#360
⇓
Nice screensaver!
#361
⇓
Thank you.
#362
⇓
A stress machine!
#363
⇓
Just what we need!
#364
⇓
Roll up your sleeves, Jen.
#365
⇓
Let's get this over with.
#366
⇓
It's a one way ticket to slammer town for us Roy.
#367
⇓
With no return ticket!
#368
⇓
I really am losing quite a lot of blood!
#369
⇓
You understand this is your last chance?
#370
⇓
If the needle goes beyond here...
#371
⇓
you will be fired!
#372
⇓
Does that make you feel stressed?
#373
⇓
Jen! Does it?
#374
⇓
No? Are you sure?
#375
⇓
Are you sure?
#376
⇓
Are you sure?
#377
⇓
Are you sure?
#378
⇓
Are you sure?
#379
⇓
Are you sure?
#380
⇓
Are you sure?
#381
⇓
Are you sure?
#382
⇓
Are you sure?
#383
⇓
Are you sure?
#384
⇓
Are you sure?
#385
⇓
Are you sure?
#386
⇓
I'll level with you Roy.
#387
⇓
I don't think I'd flourish in a prison environment.
#388
⇓
Could I try on your new glasses?
#389
⇓
See this balloon, Jen?
#390
⇓
I'm gonna burst it.
#391
⇓
But I'm not gonna tell you when...
#392
⇓
Do you feel stressed Jen? Jen? Jen?
#393
⇓
Look at that!
#394
⇓
That's your peace of mind!
#395
⇓
And it's gonna go bang!
#396
⇓
Do you feel stress now, Jen?
#397
⇓
Jen!
#398
⇓
Jen! Jen! Do you?!
#399
⇓
Evidently not.
#400
⇓
Well done Jen!
#401
⇓
You're not being fired by me...
#402
⇓
at this precise moment.
#403
⇓
I love the way the smoke seems to be coming off the top of it.
#404
⇓
Just a second...
#405
⇓
I'm late for golf!
#406
⇓
I wonder why it didn't work...
#407
⇓
"Made In Britain"
#408
⇓
I don't know if it's the loss of blood
#409
⇓
or the melting plastic from the monitor but I feel great!
#410
⇓
It's so ironic but this entire situation has been quite stressful.
#411
⇓
I'll get help...
#412
⇓
You sent an e-mail about a fire?
#413
⇓
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