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» S01E01 — Yesterday's Jam
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Season 1, Episode 1 — Yesterday's Jam
Hope this doesn't embarrass you Jen,
#1
⇓
but I found the best thing to do with the new employee
#2
⇓
is to size them up with a long hard stare.
#3
⇓
– So! – So.
#4
⇓
– First day! – Yes!
#5
⇓
– Scary...? – Yes...
#6
⇓
– Don't be scared! – I'm not really scared.
#7
⇓
You should be!
#8
⇓
– Well I'm a little bit scared. – What? Don't be!
#9
⇓
Make up your mind!
#10
⇓
So here you are!
#11
⇓
Yes.
#12
⇓
I'm... really looking forward to...
#13
⇓
– Getting to grips with the... – I'm gonna put you in I.T.
#14
⇓
Because you said on your CV you had a lot of experience with computers.
#15
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I did say that on my CV yes.
#16
⇓
I have lots of experience with the whole...
#17
⇓
computer... thing you know, e-mails...
#18
⇓
sending e-mails, receiving e-mails, deleting e-mails...
#19
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– I could go on. – Do!
#20
⇓
The Web... Using mouse... mices... using mice.
#21
⇓
Clicking... double clicking...
#22
⇓
the computer screen of course, the keyboard...
#23
⇓
the bit that goes on the floor down there...
#24
⇓
– The hard drive? – Correct.
#25
⇓
Well, you certainly seem to know your stuff.
#26
⇓
That settles. Got a good feeling about you Jen!
#27
⇓
And they need a new manager.
#28
⇓
Fantastic!
#29
⇓
So... the people I'll be working with, what're they like?
#30
⇓
Standard nerds!
#31
⇓
Hello I.T.?
#32
⇓
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
#33
⇓
OK, well, the button on the side, is it glowing?
#34
⇓
Yeah, you need to turn it on!
#35
⇓
The button, turns it on?!
#36
⇓
Yeah... You... Yeah...
#37
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You do know how a button works, don't you?
#38
⇓
No, not on clothes!
#39
⇓
Hello, I.T.?
#40
⇓
Yeah?
#41
⇓
Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
#42
⇓
No, no! There you go! No there you go, I just heard it come on.
#43
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No no, that's the music you hear when it comes on.
#44
⇓
No, that's the music you hear when...
#45
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I'm sorry, are you from the past?!
#46
⇓
See the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table.
#47
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So it's not safe to unload it,
#48
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unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff.
#49
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and you don't want to end up in middle of invalid memory.
#50
⇓
Hello?
#51
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Really? Really, why don't you come down here and make me then?
#52
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What? Oh you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you!
#53
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You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for ya!
#54
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That told her!
#55
⇓
Oh God, it's about time you got back, it's been all go.
#56
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You had a job?
#57
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Girl on fifth...
#58
⇓
Did you and her... hit it off?
#59
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Define "hit it off"?
#60
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Did she continue talking to you once you'd fixed her computer?
#61
⇓
No...
#62
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And while I was working on it, she rested a cup on my back.
#63
⇓
– No?! – Yep!
#64
⇓
Unbelievable!
#65
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Yeah, I mean they've not respect for us up there, no respect whatsoever!
#66
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We're all just drudgens to them.
#67
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Yes!
#68
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If there were such a thing as a drudgen,
#69
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that is what we'd be to them.
#70
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It's like they're pally-wally
#71
⇓
when there's a problem with their printer
#72
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but once it's fixed...
#73
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They toss us away like yesterday's jam!
#74
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Yes!
#75
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Yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them!
#76
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Actually you know what? That doesn't really work as a thing...
#77
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because you know, jam lasts for ages...
#78
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Hello, I.T. ?
#79
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Have you tried turning it off and on again?
#80
⇓
Unisex toilets? You have unisex toilets, like Ally McBeal?
#81
⇓
That's the sort of place this is, Jen.
#82
⇓
A lot of sexy people not doing much work... and having affairs.
#83
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Oh my God! Look at that view!
#84
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I feel like I'm on top of the world.
#85
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Well Jen, this is where I leave you.
#86
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Floor 34.
#87
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Great sir, thank you. OK. Where am I going?
#88
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All... the way down to the basement.
#89
⇓
Good luck!
#90
⇓
Get out of the lift...
#91
⇓
– Oh. Won't be a tick! – Oh my God!
#92
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Oh my God! Oh God! OK.
#93
⇓
Hello?
#94
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Hello?
#95
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Yes I believe it was Tolstoy who said... Oh, it seems we have a visitor.
#96
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I'm sorry, myself and Morris were just engaged
#97
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in quite a serious discussion about books and such.
#98
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We didn't hear you come in.
#99
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Wait a second, you said it was Tolstoy, he said what?
#100
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Oh never mind that now, Morris!
#101
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When have you read Tolstoy?
#102
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Shut up, Morris!
#103
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Why are you speaking that weird voice?
#104
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When did... I don't remember this conversation at all!
#105
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Don't... don't let me disturb you, I just wanted to come down....
#106
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Don't be silly you never dist...
#107
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Many people come down here to visit!
#108
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What are you talking about? Who comes down? What people?
#109
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Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?!
#110
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So... What can we do you for?
#111
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I'm the new head of this department.
#112
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Is this my office?
#113
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Why? What did she... Did she just say...
#114
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– I am the head of this department! – I thought I was.
#115
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It's one of us! Certainly not her! I'm gonna sort this out...
#116
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Roy! You've got a head wound there... Head wound!
#117
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Hi!
#118
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I don't wanna be rude or anything
#119
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but I wasn't informed of any changes to this department.
#120
⇓
Oh, did they not tell you about me?
#121
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No!
#122
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And we are perfectly fine down here, thank you very much,
#123
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we're more than capable of taking care of ourselves.
#124
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Sure... sure...
#125
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You know you're covered in blood?
#126
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Moss!
#127
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Amazon thingy.
#128
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Wicked!
#129
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I know what this is. It's the new Harry Potter.
#130
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I got the child edition and the adult edition
#131
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just to check that there are no differences in the text.
#132
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Sorry but I'm not gonna be able to deal with that woman!
#133
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Is nobody else going to get the phone? I suppose I'll get it!
#134
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No, that is not a phone. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
#135
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Come in!
#136
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Yeah, Denholm. Yeah, yeah.
#137
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No no no... No they've been fine so far.
#138
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Yeah. I think we're gonna get on great.
#139
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Yeah, I know.
#140
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All right then, now you take care. All right, yeah I will, yeah.
#141
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Ok!
#142
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Ok, take care, take care!
#143
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Ok bye! Bye!
#144
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Oh, so, hello!
#145
⇓
What can I do you fo... What can I do for you?
#146
⇓
Hello. I was just wondering...
#147
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Do you want me to connect up your phone?
#148
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No no no... No.
#149
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It's working. I was just talking to Denholm.
#150
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But how?!
#151
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Oh do you mind... Do you mind closing the door for me?
#152
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– Oh yeah, sure. – Yeah, Ok.
#153
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Yeah. From the other side...
#154
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Of course.
#155
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– Like this?\ – That's it!
#156
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– With me on the... – Thanks!
#157
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Are you all right?
#158
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Oh yes, Moss, I'm fine!
#159
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The nurse said I didn't do myself any serious damage.
#160
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I'm standing over here!
#161
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I know, I know, I'm joking, I'm fine!
#162
⇓
What we gonna do about her?
#163
⇓
Well, I just went in, and she was having a pretend conversation.
#164
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– Really? – Yes.
#165
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She's a little bit weird... to say the least.
#166
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What's that?
#167
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Oh just water. Sometimes, I get a hot ear,
#168
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and this helps cool it down.
#169
⇓
She is quite the oddbod...
#170
⇓
Did you notice how she didn't even get excited
#171
⇓
when she saw this original ZX-IT 1?
#172
⇓
Yeah, that was weird.
#173
⇓
It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.
#174
⇓
What?!
#175
⇓
Look what you did!
#176
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Oh don't worry that's why I always make 2 cups of tea.
#177
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Anyway, what were we talking about?
#178
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Oh, her not knowing anything about computers.
#179
⇓
What?!
#180
⇓
I definitely want to get rid of her.
#181
⇓
I agree yeah.
#182
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Ok, so, here's the plan:
#183
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A plan? Let me put on my slightly larger glasses.
#184
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Ok, hit me!
#185
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– Ok. We go in... – When?
#186
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You know, like in a minute.
#187
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Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan?
#188
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Yeah, you know what? I shouldn't have used the word "plan"!
#189
⇓
I... I've clearly gotten you over-excited!
#190
⇓
Would "steamed" be a better word?
#191
⇓
Although that's just as exciting, I might even use these.
#192
⇓
All I was gonna say was...
#193
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We go in, I make up a load of bullocks about computers
#194
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and we'll see if she picks up on it.
#195
⇓
Yes. I can see why you didn't want to use the word "plan".
#196
⇓
Let me do the talk.
#197
⇓
All right.
#198
⇓
Ouh, Moss, Moss Moss!
#199
⇓
Ok, we need to get this right, you know?
#200
⇓
We... we need to stay calm.
#201
⇓
We do not wanna go in there half-cocked.
#202
⇓
Hang on, guys.
#203
⇓
How can I help?
#204
⇓
Well, we were just wondering now that you're "The Boss",
#205
⇓
would you like us to access the data supplier
#206
⇓
and connect you up to the matrix?
#207
⇓
You just made all that up?
#208
⇓
You don't know anything about computers, admit it!
#209
⇓
Will you stop trying to undermine me! Now get in there,
#210
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and do some work, to do with computers!
#211
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I'll be in there in a minute and check up on you!
#212
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Ok, lady!
#213
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You've won this round, but we can wait!
#214
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You will slip up one day,
#215
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and believe you me, we will be there when you do!
#216
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There will be some piece of evidence that will prove
#217
⇓
without any shadow of a doubt
#218
⇓
that you don't know anything about computers.
#219
⇓
What are you doing?
#220
⇓
Plugging in your computer.
#221
⇓
It might be something you say...
#222
⇓
or something you do!
#223
⇓
But when we notice this, and believe me we will notice this,
#224
⇓
there's gonna be a long way down for you, sweet chicks!
#225
⇓
He'll realize in a second...
#226
⇓
I cannot believe you're going to tell on me.
#227
⇓
You're like a pair of horrible old women.
#228
⇓
What did she say?
#229
⇓
She said we're like horrible old women.
#230
⇓
She didn't!
#231
⇓
Hey guys!
#232
⇓
Ok, got something to tell me?
#233
⇓
Yes, well, it's like this:
#234
⇓
Look at you! My I.T. Team.
#235
⇓
– Yeah. – Team players each and every one of you.
#236
⇓
Yeah, what she...
#237
⇓
There's no room for people who can't act in a team on my team!
#238
⇓
Excuse me.
#239
⇓
Hello?
#240
⇓
What?!
#241
⇓
Well if you can't work as a team, you're all fired!
#242
⇓
That's it, you heard me, fine! Get your things and go!
#243
⇓
Hello, Security?
#244
⇓
Everyone on floor 4 is fired.
#245
⇓
Escort them from the premises.
#246
⇓
And do it as a team!
#247
⇓
Remember you're a team, and if you can't act as a team, you're fired too!
#248
⇓
Dawn!
#249
⇓
Get onto recruitment. Tell them to look for a security team
#250
⇓
that can work as team.
#251
⇓
They may have to escort our security team from the building,
#252
⇓
for not acting like a team!
#253
⇓
Team! Team team team team team!
#254
⇓
I even love saying the word "team".
#255
⇓
You probably think that's a picture of my family?
#256
⇓
It's the A-Team.
#257
⇓
Body, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellery Man!
#258
⇓
All of them!
#259
⇓
So what do you wanna tell me?
#260
⇓
Well, it's just not working out.
#261
⇓
– He's joking! – But you said...
#262
⇓
Not working out?
#263
⇓
Oh no! No!
#264
⇓
We are getting on like a big house on fire!
#265
⇓
– Yeah! – My ear's getting hot!
#266
⇓
No... You know what? We should leave, now, because
#267
⇓
you know, you're a busy man
#268
⇓
and we've taken far too much of your time.
#269
⇓
Jen could you just get the door for me there?
#270
⇓
Absolutely Roy!
#271
⇓
So why did you come here in the first place?
#272
⇓
We set up a voice activation system on your computer.
#273
⇓
I think you're gonna enjoy it.
#274
⇓
It might just take a little while to get the pitch right on the voice
#275
⇓
but nonetheless, go ahead! Thank you very much!
#276
⇓
– Bye bye! – Thank you!
#277
⇓
How exciting!
#278
⇓
Hello...
#279
⇓
Hello computer!
#280
⇓
Hello!
#281
⇓
Hello... Hello computer...
#282
⇓
What good are you?
#283
⇓
You obviously don't know anything about computers.
#284
⇓
No but... OK.
#285
⇓
But I can learn.
#286
⇓
You know, I mean, for example Moss,
#287
⇓
you could take me through what you're doing right now.
#288
⇓
I'd be delighted!
#289
⇓
I'm just working on a very simple piece of programming code.
#290
⇓
I see...
#291
⇓
Oh God, no, I'm lying again! I didn't understand any of that!
#292
⇓
I don't know anything about computers, I mean...
#293
⇓
I'm absolutely useless to you. I might as well pack up and go home.
#294
⇓
Hi! Is... Roy around?
#295
⇓
Hello there little lady!
#296
⇓
Are you lost? How can I help you? I'm Roy.
#297
⇓
You wanted me to come down?!
#298
⇓
Well here I am!!
#299
⇓
Not the face!!
#300
⇓
Not the face!!
#301
⇓
Well maybe this will teach you
#302
⇓
to treat people with a little bit of respect!
#303
⇓
Is it 'cos we spoke on the phone earlier?
#304
⇓
Oh my God! Are those Manolo's?
#305
⇓
Yes!
#306
⇓
They are gorgeous! Were they expensive?
#307
⇓
No! Got them in a sale.
#308
⇓
Oh God! Clever you!
#309
⇓
I'm never lucky enough to get a bargain myself.
#310
⇓
Well, I should take you shopping.
#311
⇓
Yeah, no that would be fantastic.
#312
⇓
Oh I will give you a call. Nice to meet you! Take care!
#313
⇓
– Nice meeting you! – Chairman! Wow!
#314
⇓
You just diffuse that entire situation!
#315
⇓
What situation?
#316
⇓
Oh, that.. yeah! Oh my God, does that happen a lot?
#317
⇓
They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes.
#318
⇓
I'd say we're on a by-weekly beatings.
#319
⇓
Ah it's not all that bad!
#320
⇓
Ah, come on Roy! It's pretty bad...
#321
⇓
Maybe I could help with this. You know, I mean...
#322
⇓
I'm a people person and...
#323
⇓
people like you need a person to deal with people...
#324
⇓
a people person like me. Oh my God!
#325
⇓
Ideas are coming! Things are happening here!
#326
⇓
Ok, Ok, what would you say here,
#327
⇓
if I told you that I had a plan
#328
⇓
to raise your profile upstairs by 100%. What would you say?
#329
⇓
I can't be done! You're crazy!
#330
⇓
What would you say Roy? Roy's passed out! Ok!
#331
⇓
I need a felt-tip pen, and some paper.
#332
⇓
PARTY - I.T. DEPT 5.45 TODAY
#333
⇓
No no! Oh no, really really really, that was a true story!
#334
⇓
Unbelievable!
#335
⇓
I said why we don't go out with the I.T. guys more often?
#336
⇓
– You're hilarious! – Yes we are!
#337
⇓
You guys should come down here more often you know,
#338
⇓
you should see this as a new era for Reynholm Industries.
#339
⇓
"A new era for Reynholm Industries!"
#340
⇓
Do you know what! If you want to hear something really funny,
#341
⇓
a really funny story,
#342
⇓
you should hear what happened to Moss and I,
#343
⇓
when we were so drunk in Amsterdam
#344
⇓
that Moss lost his glasses!
#345
⇓
Moss! Moss!
#346
⇓
Come here! Come here!
#347
⇓
Tell them that story about when we were drunk in Amsterdam.
#348
⇓
Really?
#349
⇓
Yeah yeah yeah! Oh it's brilliant!
#350
⇓
Oh this a great story, you're gonna love it!
#351
⇓
I'm just gonna get another box of wine!
#352
⇓
Well go on, then.
#353
⇓
All right.
#354
⇓
– Well, one night, we were really drunk. – Yeah.
#355
⇓
And huh, we were so drunk that we decided to hire prostitutes.
#356
⇓
And when they arrived to the hotel, we were too scared to do anything,
#357
⇓
so we brought them to the fair.
#358
⇓
Oh really nice! In the end, they only charged us half.
#359
⇓
But we did have to pay for all the rides.
#360
⇓
Oh isn't that just the best story?
#361
⇓
Oh, man!
#362
⇓
You told me to never tell that story to anyone.
#363
⇓
Well, what're you talking about? That's a brilliant story!
#364
⇓
And then you nearly walked into the canal!
#365
⇓
Has it got to that part with the boatman?
#366
⇓
Do you mean the story when I lost my glasses?
#367
⇓
Yes!
#368
⇓
What story did you think I mean?
#369
⇓
Moss?
#370
⇓
What did you say?! What did you say?!
#371
⇓
It's all right for you two.
#372
⇓
You're used to being social social piranhas...
#373
⇓
I'm a very popular person usually.
#374
⇓
That girl earlier, that tried to beat me to death with her shoes,
#375
⇓
did anybody get her number?
#376
⇓
That was a nice day the fair, wasn't it?
#377
⇓
With Brandy and Crystal!
#378
⇓
Hello I.T.?
#379
⇓
Yeah. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
#380
⇓
Hello! Hello!
#381
⇓
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