Home » South Park » S28E04 — Turkey Trot

South Park

Season 28, Episode 4 — Turkey Trot

[theme music]

#1

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- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

#2

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♪ Gonna have myself a time

#3

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- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

#4

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♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

#5

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- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

#6

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♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

#7

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- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

#8

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♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

#9

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- ♪ I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪

#10

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♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

#11

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- ♪ [mumbling] ♪

#12

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- ♪ Come on down to South Park ♪

#13

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♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

#14

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[twangy music]

#15

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- All right, people, it's almost Thanksgiving,

#16

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and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us.

#17

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How is it that we haven't found one sponsor

#18

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to help pay for this event?

#19

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- South Park's just fallen on hard times, Mayor.

#20

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Nobody's got the money.

#21

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- Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot,

#22

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but as you know, we've recently all lost Tegridy.

#23

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So I'm afraid we just can't help.

#24

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- What about the City Asian Pop Up Store?

#25

⇓

Can't they help sponsor this year's race?

#26

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- How City Asian Pop Up pay for Turkey Trot?

#27

⇓

We gotta pay tariff!

#28

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We more fucked than anybody!

#29

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- Let's just face it, Mayor, South Park businesses

#30

⇓

are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.

#31

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- Trash? Anybody got trash?

#32

⇓

- Oh, yeah, here's some. Bank shot!

#33

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- There has to be a solution, people.

#34

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The Turkey Trot is the one time of year

#35

⇓

this town comes together as a community.

#36

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We all need it now, more than ever.

#37

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- Well, of course, there is someone

#38

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who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch of money.

#39

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[curious music]

#40

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I mean, they're giving money to everyone else.

#41

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Why not us?

#42

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[music ends]

#43

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- My God.

#44

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That's it!

#45

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ANNOUNCER: This Thanksgiving morning,

#46

⇓

lace up for holiday fun and tradition.

#47

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It's the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot.

#48

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Sponsored by...

#49

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Saudi Arabia!

#50

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[Arabic music playing]

#51

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♪

#52

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It's a 5K race absolutely stuffed

#53

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with Thanksgiving traditions.

#54

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♪ ♪

#55

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And the first one across the finish line

#56

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wins their team $5,000!

#57

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♪ ♪

#58

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Sign up your team now!

#59

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All ages are welcome!

#60

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Disparaging remarks towards the Saudi Royal family

#61

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are strictly prohibited.

#62

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Start your Thanksgiving with this time-honored tradition.

#63

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The South Park Turkey Trot.

#64

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[singers vocalizing]

#65

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- $5,000, you guys.

#66

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The winner of this year's Turkey Trot

#67

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gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia.

#68

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Like, if anybody's gonna get money from Saudi Arabia,

#69

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it should be us.

#70

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- [muffled speech]

#71

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- And just one person has to win the race

#72

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and your whole team gets the money?

#73

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- Yeah! - Dude, that is crazy!

#74

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- [muffled speech]

#75

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- We should just get a bunch of kids on our team,

#76

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and then the chances of one of us winning is way better.

#77

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- Yeah, but then you gotta split the prize money more ways.

#78

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- It's true, man.

#79

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I say we keep our team to four, five runners, max.

#80

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- Nobody said we wanted you on the team.

#81

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Yeah, you kinda slow us down.

#82

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- Oh, no, no, no, trust me.

#83

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You want me on the racing team.

#84

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I happen to be an expert in race science, you guys.

#85

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I know a way to give our team an optimal winning advantage.

#86

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- Tolkien!

#87

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Hey, man.

#88

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Listen, I was, uh--

#89

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I was just wondering whose team

#90

⇓

you're thinking of being on for the big Turkey Trot.

#91

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- Turkey Trot? - You know, the big footrace

#92

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Thanksgiving morning?

#93

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First place wins 5,000 bucks for his whole team.

#94

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- Oh. I'm not really a runner.

#95

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- Yeah, right.

#96

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Of course you're a runner, Tolkien.

#97

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Sorry, guys, just give me one second.

#98

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- What the hell is he doing? - I don't know.

#99

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- All right, look, Tolkien,

#100

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I'm a racing science expert, OK?

#101

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The data shows your race always wins races.

#102

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[locker slams]

#103

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Whoa, whoa, Tolkien. Tolkien.

#104

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Come on, man, it's Thanksgiving.

#105

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If you don't want to race for yourself,

#106

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then do it for the needy-- Kenny and Stan.

#107

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I mean, Stan's family lost their home, dude.

#108

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Those guys could really use the money,

#109

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and all the analytics show that with you on the team,

#110

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we can't lose.

#111

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Could you--could you just do it for Thanksgiving?

#112

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- All right, fine.

#113

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- Yes? He said yes!

#114

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[suspenseful music]

#115

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- Jesus Christ, Mitch.

#116

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A $5,000 prize for the Turkey Trot?

#117

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Everyone in town is gonna want to do this race.

#118

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- I was kind of thinking of signing the family up, sir.

#119

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We could really use some of that Saudi Arabian dough.

#120

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- Can't do it, Mitch. We're gonna be busy on race day.

#121

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COP: Sir!

#122

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The White house is calling again.

#123

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They're demanding we release the prisoner.

#124

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- Tell them we're busy.

#125

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- But they said if we don't comply,

#126

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they're gonna send in Pete Hegseth

#127

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and the Department of War.

#128

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- Who's Pete Hegseth?

#129

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- Yeah! Yeah!

#130

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Hey, what's up, guys? This is Pete Hegseth

#131

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with the Department of War!

#132

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We're here to infiltrate this police station and extract a POI

#133

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'cause that's what we do! [barking]

#134

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At ease, soldier!

#135

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The President of the United States orders you

#136

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to release custody of the prisoner to me immediately.

#137

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- I warned you I had powerful friends.

#138

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- Yeah, well, Totoro still has to be processed

#139

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and seen by a judge.

#140

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And we have a big Turkey Trot to deal with,

#141

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so it's gonna be a few days.

#142

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- Hey, man, I don't think you understand.

#143

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You're messing with the Department of War!

#144

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And we mean business.

#145

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We don't stand down for anyone!

#146

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Be sure to like and subscribe.

#147

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All right, let's do this! [barking]

#148

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- All right, I certainly don't want to tangle with you guys.

#149

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How about you just push the secret button in the floor

#150

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over here and the jail cell doors will all open.

#151

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- The secret button? - Yeah, it's in the floor.

#152

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Right there, you see it?

#153

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It's right--there it is! - Ah, ah, ahh!

#154

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- Now get your little bitch ass out of my town.

#155

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- Oh, you--

#156

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I dare you to do that again.

#157

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[screams]

#158

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[indistinct chatter]

#159

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- OK, and did you already register

#160

⇓

your racing team online?

#161

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- Yeah, it's, uh, Jimbo and Ned.

#162

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We're racing with the Kiwanis Gun Club.

#163

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- Yes, here you go.

#164

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Good luck with the race, happy Thanksgiving,

#165

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and [speaks Arabic].

#166

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- Uh, it's Mackey. Mr. Mackey, mmkay.

#167

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OK, Mr. Mackey, and how many on your team?

#168

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- Oh, I'm not on no team, mmkay.

#169

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I need that sweet Saudi Arabian money all for myself.

#170

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- All right, guys, we got our racing numbers.

#171

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- Damn, dude, there's so many people signing up.

#172

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How are we ever gonna win?

#173

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- Don't worry, you guys,

#174

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I've been scoping out the competition.

#175

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That group over there is the Rotary Club.

#176

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They won last year, but they're all, like, old now.

#177

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- Over there is the City Pop Up team.

#178

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The race science says they'll race smart,

#179

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but not necessarily fast, so we're good there.

#180

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WENDY: Oh, hey, Stan.

#181

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You gonna do the Turkey Trot this year?

#182

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- Yeah. You guys are too?

#183

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- Hell yeah, we are! $5,000!

#184

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- Oh, yeah, I'm sure all four of you ladies

#185

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have a really awesome chance of winning.

#186

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- There's actually five of us.

#187

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- Hey, guys, what's up?

#188

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[dramatic sting]

#189

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- Well, we'll see you at the race.

#190

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- All right, see ya!

#191

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- They're teaching race science to girls now?

#192

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What the hell kind of country are we living in?

#193

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HEGSETH: Commitment!

#194

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Strength!

#195

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The ability to obliterate our enemies!

#196

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That is the Department of War!

#197

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What's up, guys? I'm Pete Hegseth.

#198

⇓

We're outside this woke liberal town

#199

⇓

that is actually defying our government,

#200

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and nobody defies the Department of War!

#201

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Pete Hegseth will do whatever it takes!

#202

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I'm here to kick bubblegum and chew ass,

#203

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and I'm all outta ass.

#204

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I'll do whatever's necessary to get the job done!

#205

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[phone ringing]

#206

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Oh, yeah, look at that!

#207

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That's the President of the United States calling me,

#208

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right now!

#209

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Yes, Mr. President?

#210

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- Hegseth!

#211

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What the fuck are you doing?

#212

⇓

Did you get Peter Thiel?

#213

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No, sir, we were unable to extract the prisoner.

#214

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We were met with resistance from the woke local police force.

#215

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- God damn it, we gave you one job to do.

#216

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We need Peter Thiel here at the White house.

#217

⇓

- Sir, yes, sir!

#218

⇓

I'm gonna need the full might of the Department of War!

#219

⇓

I'll need all our tanks and guns and dudes!

#220

⇓

- Then you've got it.

#221

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Just get us the prisoner, no matter what it takes!

#222

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- Hell yeah!

#223

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- And Hegseth, don't just make a bunch of content.

#224

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Like, actually go and do something.

#225

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- [quietly] Be sure to like and subscribe, guys.

#226

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Yes, sir, Mr. President! I will make this town pay!

#227

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- God, he is such a douchebag.

#228

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- All right, men, we'll have a full army here by tomorrow.

#229

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And then that smalltown cop

#230

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is gonna see he messed with the wrong guy.

#231

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- It's the morning of the big race,

#232

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and all of South Park appears to have turned out

#233

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in the spirit of community.

#234

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People are putting on their numbers

#235

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and rocking out their festive costumes.

#236

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I'm with Police Chief Harris,

#237

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and Chief, your guys have been working overtime.

#238

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- Yeah, well, we just want to make sure

#239

⇓

everyone has a safe Thanksgiving morning.

#240

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We want people to stay hydrated and be responsible.

#241

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Let's have a good Turkey Trot.

#242

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- Now, of course, there's a lot of money on the line

#243

⇓

for the team of the race winner,

#244

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and so some people are turning to race science.

#245

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- That's right, you know, a lot of people these days

#246

⇓

want to debunk science.

#247

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You know, vaccine's cause autism,

#248

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jet fuel leaves chemtrails,

#249

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but when it comes to racing science, it's science.

#250

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- Certainly a lot of runners hoping to cash in today,

#251

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so may the best turkey win.

#252

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- All right, you guys ready to run?

#253

⇓

We got this. Come on, team, let's go!

#254

⇓

Where's Tolkien? - Oh, you didn't hear?

#255

⇓

- I didn't hear what?

#256

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- Tolkien says he's not gonna race.

#257

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- What do you mean Tolkien's not going to race?

#258

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- He said because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia,

#259

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he's bowing out for political reasons.

#260

⇓

- Are you fucking joking? - No.

#261

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- God damn it, wait here!

#262

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- Welcome, everyone to the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot!

#263

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[cheers and applause]

#264

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This is a wonderful turnout,

#265

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and I'm sure you'll all help me in thanking this year's sponsor,

#266

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Saudi Arabia!

#267

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[cheers and applause]

#268

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- Holy shit!

#269

⇓

Holy shit, we've got an Antifa uprising!

#270

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All right, Department of War, listen up!

#271

⇓

The people of this town are starting an insurrection!

#272

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But they will not stand in the way of us getting our man!

#273

⇓

[knocking on door]

#274

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ERIC: Tolkien!

#275

⇓

Tolkien?

#276

⇓

Tolkien!

#277

⇓

[banging on door]

#278

⇓

[door opens]

#279

⇓

Dude, what the hell are you doing?

#280

⇓

- Playing "Arc Raiders."

#281

⇓

- The guys said you're not gonna race

#282

⇓

because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia?

#283

⇓

- Yeah, just doesn't feel right.

#284

⇓

- "It doesn't feel right"?

#285

⇓

- Yeah, doesn't feel right. - "It doesn't feel right"?

#286

⇓

What, Tolkien, you don't like that Saudi Arabia

#287

⇓

is buying American stuff?

#288

⇓

They're trying to be progressive, OK?

#289

⇓

You want them to go back to what they were doing?

#290

⇓

You want Saudi Arabia to just go back to cutting people up

#291

⇓

and paying Kevin Hart? Is that what you want?

#292

⇓

- I can't see the screen.

#293

⇓

- Tolkien, you can't whine about a country

#294

⇓

trying to come into the 21st century.

#295

⇓

Them wanting to help pay for American things is good.

#296

⇓

'Cause guess what? If Saudi Arabia is out

#297

⇓

paying for sporting events,

#298

⇓

they're not out hacking up reporters

#299

⇓

and inviting Pete Davidson to come do comedy.

#300

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- All right, everyone, on your mark...

#301

⇓

Get set...

#302

⇓

[gunshot]

#303

⇓

- Holy shit!

#304

⇓

Shots fired! Shots fired!

#305

⇓

Get set up over there! We need content! Now!

#306

⇓

What's up, guys? Pete Hegseth, Department of War.

#307

⇓

We are being fired upon!

#308

⇓

There's an uprising here. Some kind of insurrection.

#309

⇓

Make sure to like and subscribe!

#310

⇓

[indistinct happy chatter]

#311

⇓

- You can hear the liberal terrorists

#312

⇓

all screaming and chanting behind us.

#313

⇓

We're gonna take 'em on!

#314

⇓

Just another day in the Department of War!

#315

⇓

Let's move out!

#316

⇓

- Did you know that since 2018,

#317

⇓

they actually allow women to drive in Saudi Arabia?

#318

⇓

They allow women to drive!

#319

⇓

It's like practically a lesbian utopia over there.

#320

⇓

- Can you please just let me enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?

#321

⇓

- Oh, yeah, sure, who cares about lesbian utopia?

#322

⇓

Not Tolkien. Tolkien wants Saudi Arabia

#323

⇓

to just keep chopping off gay people's heads.

#324

⇓

That's way better, isn't it?

#325

⇓

You're being a dick, bro. - Go away.

#326

⇓

- All right, Tolkien, you know what?

#327

⇓

Fine. If you really don't want to be

#328

⇓

a part of our country embracing Saudi Arabia's desire to change,

#329

⇓

then we don't need you.

#330

⇓

- Hey!

#331

⇓

Hey, gimme back my Xbox!

#332

⇓

- Come get it, asshole!

#333

⇓

[footsteps thudding]

#334

⇓

- Come on.

#335

⇓

Come on, we gotta get that money.

#336

⇓

- The rioting terrorists appear to be advancing

#337

⇓

north, northeast.

#338

⇓

Our plan, gentlemen,

#339

⇓

is to intercept them at this location here,

#340

⇓

and get as much content as we possibly can.

#341

⇓

It's quite possible we'll also be needing to get content

#342

⇓

in this area, so be ready.

#343

⇓

Third Battalion, you'll be posting up here.

#344

⇓

I want you posting on Instagram and Twitter.

#345

⇓

Alpha Team post here.

#346

⇓

Bravo Team content there.

#347

⇓

[tires squealing]

#348

⇓

- All right, everyone, stand by.

#349

⇓

At ease, soldier.

#350

⇓

We heard there's a civilian uprising.

#351

⇓

- Yeah, we don't need Homeland Security's help.

#352

⇓

We got it. - We're just here to assist

#353

⇓

in any way we can.

#354

⇓

That's what Homeland Security does.

#355

⇓

Be sure to like and subscribe, guys.

#356

⇓

We've got a-- - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

#357

⇓

This is not your content.

#358

⇓

Everyone like and subscribe to Department of War!

#359

⇓

[cheering]

#360

⇓

- [panting]

#361

⇓

- Come on. Come on.

#362

⇓

You got this. I got it.

#363

⇓

[cheering]

#364

⇓

- [panting]

#365

⇓

- God damn it! Gimme my Xbox!

#366

⇓

- Tolkien, how can you not catch up to me?

#367

⇓

[pants]

#368

⇓

You're not even trying!

#369

⇓

- I am trying!

#370

⇓

I told you, I'm not a runner!

#371

⇓

- Yes, you are!

#372

⇓

Will you stop fucking around?

#373

⇓

- Homeland Security to Department of War.

#374

⇓

The protestors are headed your way.

#375

⇓

- Stand down, Homeland Security.

#376

⇓

This is our content.

#377

⇓

- There's too many of 'em!

#378

⇓

[dog barking]

#379

⇓

[gunfire] [dog whimpers]

#380

⇓

- Here they come.

#381

⇓

Everyone, hold your positions!

#382

⇓

Department of War will not be intimidated!

#383

⇓

Hold.

#384

⇓

Hold!

#385

⇓

Fire the tear gas! Yeah!

#386

⇓

[cannister clatters]

#387

⇓

[all shouting and coughing]

#388

⇓

- [coughing] Dude.

#389

⇓

Dude, which way are we supposed to go?

#390

⇓

- [coughing] I can't--I can't see nothing.

#391

⇓

- [coughing]

#392

⇓

- Tolkien? Tolkien!

#393

⇓

- [coughing] Where the hell did you go?

#394

⇓

[distant booming and shouting]

#395

⇓

[bell dings] - [coughing]

#396

⇓

What the hell's going on?

#397

⇓

- We don't know.

#398

⇓

- Well, how the hell are we supposed to race

#399

⇓

if they've blocked the road?

#400

⇓

[thudding]

#401

⇓

[squeaking]

#402

⇓

- Look, all I know is that

#403

⇓

the Stotch family is in big financial trouble this year.

#404

⇓

We have to reach that finish line.

#405

⇓

- You think you fucked? We gotta pay tariff!

#406

⇓

That prize money is our only chance.

#407

⇓

- Does anyone have a Turkey Trot route map?

#408

⇓

- Yeah, I've got one here.

#409

⇓

- All right, let's see.

#410

⇓

So if this area's all blocked off,

#411

⇓

then our best chance at getting to the finish line

#412

⇓

is detouring through here.

#413

⇓

- No, no, we should go this way through the underpass.

#414

⇓

BUTTERS' DAD: Are you crazy? That's too much of a shortcut.

#415

⇓

We could get disqualified.

#416

⇓

- All that matters is that it's OK with Saudi Arabia.

#417

⇓

Would going this way be OK with Saudi Arabia?

#418

⇓

- There's no way to be sure what Saudi Arabia wants.

#419

⇓

All I know is, I need their money.

#420

⇓

So I'm gonna go out there and take my chances.

#421

⇓

['80s rock music]

#422

⇓

♪ ♪

#423

⇓

- What's up, guys?

#424

⇓

Pete Hegseth, Department of War.

#425

⇓

We've got the Narco terrorists on the run

#426

⇓

and we're gonna take 'em out.

#427

⇓

Yeah!

#428

⇓

- ♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪

#429

⇓

♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪

#430

⇓

♪ Acting like a tough guy ♪

#431

⇓

♪ Posting it around the world ♪

#432

⇓

♪ Making lots of content

#433

⇓

♪ Like a little teenage girl ♪

#434

⇓

♪ Pete Hegseth's a fucking douche ♪

#435

⇓

♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪

#436

⇓

[gunfire]

#437

⇓

[siren blips]

#438

⇓

- All right, buddy.

#439

⇓

I don't know what you think you're doing,

#440

⇓

but I'm pretty sure I told you to get the hell out of my town.

#441

⇓

- [scoffs] Oh, yeah?

#442

⇓

Well, what do you think you're gonna do about it?

#443

⇓

[dramatic music]

#444

⇓

- Hello?

#445

⇓

Hello?

#446

⇓

Anybody?

#447

⇓

- Give me my Xbox!

#448

⇓

CARTMAN: Ah!

#449

⇓

What is your problem, man?

#450

⇓

You could've made this an amazing Thanksgiving.

#451

⇓

[coughs] For Stan. For Kenny.

#452

⇓

But you just wanna play games.

#453

⇓

- [coughs] For the last time,

#454

⇓

just because I'm Black doesn't mean I run fast!

#455

⇓

- Yes, you do.

#456

⇓

You just weren't trying because you have a problem

#457

⇓

with Saudia Arabia joining the global community.

#458

⇓

- That has nothing to do with you being a racist.

#459

⇓

- Oh, I'm a racist?

#460

⇓

You want Saudi Arabia

#461

⇓

to just keep stuffing journalists into suitcases,

#462

⇓

but I'm the racist!

#463

⇓

- I'm going home.

#464

⇓

- OK, fine, forget it.

#465

⇓

TOLKIEN: Yeah, I will forget it!

#466

⇓

And I can think whatever I want!

#467

⇓

- OK, you're right, Tolkien.

#468

⇓

- Yeah, I know I'm right!

#469

⇓

- OK, that's cool.

#470

⇓

Have a good Thanksgiving, man.

#471

⇓

- I will have a good Thanksgiving

#472

⇓

'cause I won't be listening to your stupid bullshit!

#473

⇓

- Yep, sounds good.

#474

⇓

Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.

#475

⇓

- Oh, God damn it.

#476

⇓

- Yes! Race science!

#477

⇓

Race science!

#478

⇓

[triumphant music]

#479

⇓

- On behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

#480

⇓

and His Royal Highness Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud,

#481

⇓

this year's Turkey Trot grand prize

#482

⇓

goes to the team of South Park's very own

#483

⇓

Tolkien Black!

#484

⇓

[upbeat Saudi Arabian music]

#485

⇓

[camera shutters clicking]

#486

⇓

- We did it, dude.

#487

⇓

HARRIS: It's right there. You see it?

#488

⇓

It's right there! - [screams]

#489

⇓

- There you go. Almost there.

#490

⇓

- [screams]

#491

⇓

[screams]

#492

⇓

[door slams]

#493

⇓

- All right, guys, that about wraps it up.

#494

⇓

Let's get home and eat some turkey.

#495

⇓

- You son of a bitch!

#496

⇓

The president will come for us!

#497

⇓

- Yeah, maybe so.

#498

⇓

Judge will see you Monday.

#499

⇓

[ominous music]

#500

⇓

- South Park's gonna pay for this.

#501

⇓

They're all gonna pay.

#502

⇓

[theme music]

#503

⇓

♪ ♪

#504

⇓