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» S28E05 — The Crap Out
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Season 28, Episode 5 — The Crap Out
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
#1
⇓
♪ Gonna have myself a time
#2
⇓
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
#3
⇓
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
#4
⇓
- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
#5
⇓
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
#6
⇓
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
#7
⇓
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
#8
⇓
- ♪ I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
#9
⇓
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
#10
⇓
- ♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
#11
⇓
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
#12
⇓
The past few months have just been...
#13
⇓
really awful.
#14
⇓
There were these ICE raids
#15
⇓
and my dad's company went out of business.
#16
⇓
Then we lost our house and had to move
#17
⇓
into the old folks home with my grandpa.
#18
⇓
It's like everything keeps changing
#19
⇓
and I really don't know how to cope with it.
#20
⇓
Uh-huh.
#21
⇓
And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?
#22
⇓
Well, Jesus, It just seems like
#23
⇓
people aren't really as kind and giving
#24
⇓
as they used to be, you know?
#25
⇓
Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia
#26
⇓
and I'm thinking of sharing it.
#27
⇓
'Cause I feel like that's what everyone needs right now.
#28
⇓
Like, a big Christmas miracle?
#29
⇓
Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.
#30
⇓
Jesus, I don't wanna live
#31
⇓
in an old folks home anymore, OK?
#32
⇓
Now, I don't know what's made you change like this,
#33
⇓
but we need some God damn Christmas magic!
#34
⇓
Hey, baby, I brought us some Pinot Grigio!
#35
⇓
What took you so long?
#36
⇓
Don't be mad--I was out doing my charity work!
#37
⇓
I'm a Christian,
#38
⇓
so I sing to people in need!
#39
⇓
Just shut up and pour me that shit.
#40
⇓
You wanna make your life better, Stan?
#41
⇓
Join the frickin' club!
#42
⇓
This is the time of year we all wish things were better.
#43
⇓
But trust me, nothing miraculous
#44
⇓
is gonna happen to anyone.
#45
⇓
♪ ♪
#46
⇓
♪ The crib is decorated
#47
⇓
♪ And the nursery's all planned ♪
#48
⇓
♪ I put holly on the diapers With all the love I can ♪
#49
⇓
♪ Tiny dreams in tinsel glow ♪
#50
⇓
♪ What's more special than ♪
#51
⇓
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
#52
⇓
- Only days remain until America meets
#53
⇓
President Trump's demon spawn.
#54
⇓
How Satan will give birth to the butt baby is still unclear,
#55
⇓
but everyone knows the crap-out is coming.
#56
⇓
♪ Don the wipes and mistletoe ♪
#57
⇓
♪ There's so much to be done ♪
#58
⇓
♪ We'll drink eggnog and cocoa when labor has begun ♪
#59
⇓
♪ So many reasons to be glad, and I'll be having one ♪
#60
⇓
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
#61
⇓
♪ I will love the baby and so will its dad ♪
#62
⇓
♪ We will be so... Wait a minute.
#63
⇓
Where the hell is he?
#64
⇓
Donald?
#65
⇓
Donald!
#66
⇓
Where is Donald?
#67
⇓
Oh, sorry, Satan.
#68
⇓
The President had to fly to Colorado
#69
⇓
on an urgent matter.
#70
⇓
An urgent matter? Are you serious right now?
#71
⇓
I told him this was the day
#72
⇓
we were going to sing songs and decorate the nursery!
#73
⇓
What is he doing that's more urgent than that?
#74
⇓
Sorry, it's all high-level classified stuff.
#75
⇓
Even we don't have clearance to know what he's doing.
#76
⇓
He is such a piece a shit!
#77
⇓
He does this to me all the time!
#78
⇓
I'm about to have this baby, and he's out fucking around!
#79
⇓
Hormones, huh?
#80
⇓
It is strange that the President hasn't
#81
⇓
even informed me why he's going to Colorado.
#82
⇓
Well, the President said it's top secret
#83
⇓
and only he and the vice president can know.
#84
⇓
Whatever they're doing...
#85
⇓
must be part of an extremely covert military operation.
#86
⇓
Merry Christmas!
#87
⇓
Relax, guy!
#88
⇓
Hey-hey-hey! Relax, guy!
#89
⇓
OK, Boss, this is the place.
#90
⇓
That is the police station over there.
#91
⇓
That's where they are keeping Peter Thiel.
#92
⇓
All right, we just gotta keep it quiet.
#93
⇓
Nobody can know I want to kill this baby--ope!
#94
⇓
Merry Christmas! Hey-hey-hey!
#95
⇓
Relax!
#96
⇓
Are you sure this Peter Thiel can do it?
#97
⇓
Yes, Boss.
#98
⇓
But we must find a way to break him out
#99
⇓
- of that police- - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
#100
⇓
Happy holidays!
#101
⇓
Hey-hey-hey!
#102
⇓
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have any spare change, mkay?
#103
⇓
The government cut school funding
#104
⇓
so I lost my job.
#105
⇓
Then, you know, everything costs more
#106
⇓
with all the tariffs, and my health care got cut,
#107
⇓
so I'm just struggling like a lot of Americans are.
#108
⇓
All right, well, Merry Christmas!
#109
⇓
We better hurry, Boss.
#110
⇓
The town might be onto us,
#111
⇓
and the crap-out could be any minute now.
#112
⇓
OK, let's synchronize our watches.
#113
⇓
It's time to complete Operation Kill My Own Baby!
#114
⇓
♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪
#115
⇓
♪ If only in my dreams, my dreams, my holiday dreams ♪
#116
⇓
Hello, seniors, I'm Peggy Rockbottom
#117
⇓
here to spread a little holiday cheer.
#118
⇓
You know, sometimes we forget the reason for the season.
#119
⇓
But there's only one man in my life,
#120
⇓
and that man is Jesus Christ.
#121
⇓
And I wrote this song for him.
#122
⇓
♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
#123
⇓
♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
#124
⇓
♪ 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
#125
⇓
♪ That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
#126
⇓
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
#127
⇓
♪ Saying merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
#128
⇓
Come on, seniors, sing along!
#129
⇓
♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
#130
⇓
♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
#131
⇓
♪ 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
#132
⇓
♪ That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
#133
⇓
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
#134
⇓
♪ To say merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
#135
⇓
I don't know if you can hear me,
#136
⇓
but I've been kind of wishing for a Christmas miracle.
#137
⇓
If miracles can still even happen,
#138
⇓
please, make it happen now.
#139
⇓
Yay!
#140
⇓
Look, guys, it's Stanny!
#141
⇓
Stanny!
#142
⇓
Oh, no!
#143
⇓
- Did you miss us, Stan? - Oh, no!
#144
⇓
That son of a bitch.
#145
⇓
I could give birth any minute.
#146
⇓
"Oh, hey, Satan, you about to go into labor?
#147
⇓
"OK, how about you go do everything,
#148
⇓
and I'll do nothing?"
#149
⇓
Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald! Just like you always do.
#150
⇓
Ugh. God, he is so disgusting.
#151
⇓
Ugh, he's such a pig!
#152
⇓
A blue jock strap?
#153
⇓
He doesn't wear a blue jock strap.
#154
⇓
Who does this belong to?
#155
⇓
Vance.
#156
⇓
It's Vance.
#157
⇓
They're together.
#158
⇓
What are you talking about?
#159
⇓
They just wanna kill the baby.
#160
⇓
What?
#161
⇓
The President...Vance... so much sex.
#162
⇓
I can't understand you 'cause you're covered
#163
⇓
in dried-up milk!
#164
⇓
It's not milk.
#165
⇓
Eww!
#166
⇓
Oh!
#167
⇓
Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God!
#168
⇓
Tell me everything you know!
#169
⇓
I will, but first... please...
#170
⇓
I need to get... just a little high.
#171
⇓
Go away!
#172
⇓
What do you guys want?
#173
⇓
Well, didn't you hear, Stan?
#174
⇓
Satan's gonna give birth to the antichrist!
#175
⇓
Yeah, he's gonna have a butt baby
#176
⇓
and there's gonna be a big crap-out!
#177
⇓
And nobody loves a crap-out more than us!
#178
⇓
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
#179
⇓
This doesn't make any sense!
#180
⇓
You guys are just something that Cartman made up
#181
⇓
in his head!
#182
⇓
Aww, are you really gonna overanalyze a crap-out?
#183
⇓
No way! Crap-outs have no rules!
#184
⇓
Yay!
#185
⇓
All right, y'all, Stan wished us here
#186
⇓
to help the Prince of Darkness, so we gotta do what he says.
#187
⇓
I didn't wish for that!
#188
⇓
I didn't know anything about Satan having a baby
#189
⇓
or crap-outs.
#190
⇓
But you asked for a Christmas miracle, Stan!
#191
⇓
And this crap-out's gonna make everything better!
#192
⇓
It is? Are you sure?
#193
⇓
Of course! Crap-outs are the best!
#194
⇓
Come on! Let's get to it!
#195
⇓
Yay!
#196
⇓
Oh, it's been so long.
#197
⇓
So then Vice President Vance,
#198
⇓
he doesn't want you to have the baby, right?
#199
⇓
'Cause he thinks your baby is gonna hurt
#200
⇓
his chances of becoming president.
#201
⇓
So he convinces Trump to try to get rid of the baby himself,
#202
⇓
but every time he tries, he gets blocked by the FCC.
#203
⇓
If he didn't want the baby, why didn't he tell me?
#204
⇓
They couldn't let anyone know they wanted to get rid
#205
⇓
of the baby because, you know, Republicans, abortions--
#206
⇓
it's a bad look.
#207
⇓
So then Vance gets this guy Peter Thiel
#208
⇓
to get rid of the baby, and Thiel's about to come do it
#209
⇓
when Pam Bondi suddenly finds out
#210
⇓
there's a plot to kill the baby.
#211
⇓
So crazy, man. You can't write this shit.
#212
⇓
What did I ever see in him?
#213
⇓
So then The President, he's pissed off at Vance.
#214
⇓
He says, you've been lying to me, but Vance says,
#215
⇓
I was just trying to protect you,
#216
⇓
and then they start having sex
#217
⇓
over and over and over and over---
#218
⇓
Enough!
#219
⇓
The president hath deceived me.
#220
⇓
He hath deceived us all.
#221
⇓
And I shall make him pay.
#222
⇓
Oh, hell yeah, man. Let's go get that motherfucker.
#223
⇓
- ♪ What a special time, it's a special day ♪
#224
⇓
♪ It's a Woodland Critter Christmas ♪
#225
⇓
Crap-out!
#226
⇓
Hey! Merry Christmas!
#227
⇓
- Merry Christmas! - Happy Holidays! Relax, guy!
#228
⇓
Hello, we're with the Salvation Army!
#229
⇓
We brought some food for your prisoners!
#230
⇓
- Food for the prisoners? - Hey, relax, guy!
#231
⇓
This is the time of year to give to the needy!
#232
⇓
- We brought 'em this cake! - We don't need your cake!
#233
⇓
The president's gonna come for us, and he's gonna--oof!
#234
⇓
Well, I guess there's no harm.
#235
⇓
Mitch, let 'em in.
#236
⇓
Hey, thanks, buddy!
#237
⇓
♪ We're headin' for a crap-out ♪
#238
⇓
♪ Crap-out, crap-out ♪
#239
⇓
♪ We smell a crap-out comin' soon ♪
#240
⇓
- ♪ Don't take the hard route - ♪ Just get to the crap-out
#241
⇓
♪ Satan's gonna crap out his anal womb ♪
#242
⇓
OK, hold on a second.
#243
⇓
You said that Satan was in Washington, D.C.
#244
⇓
Yeah, he was, and now he's about to be here!
#245
⇓
But how can you know that?
#246
⇓
Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny, will you just get on board
#247
⇓
with the crap-out already?
#248
⇓
Don't worry, Stanny.
#249
⇓
Everything has been foretold and nothing can stop
#250
⇓
the antichrist from coming.
#251
⇓
Except, of course, for Peter Thiel!
#252
⇓
P-P-P-Peter Thiel!
#253
⇓
Wait, you mean the six seven guy?
#254
⇓
You know Peter Thiel?
#255
⇓
Yeah, he did a big dumb assembly at the school.
#256
⇓
He's here?
#257
⇓
What are you gonna do, Stanny?
#258
⇓
Are you gonna kill him and eat him?
#259
⇓
All right, look.
#260
⇓
If I'm gonna get on board with something,
#261
⇓
I need it make at least a little bit of sense.
#262
⇓
Well, OK, Susan Sontag, we'll make sure
#263
⇓
it all lines up perfectly for ya.
#264
⇓
Yay!
#265
⇓
Peter Thiel to Red Dragon.
#266
⇓
Come in, Red Dragon.
#267
⇓
Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.
#268
⇓
I got the walkie in the cake.
#269
⇓
Awaiting further instructions.
#270
⇓
Excellent.
#271
⇓
Just stand by, and we'll find a way to get you out
#272
⇓
so you can kill my baby.
#273
⇓
Let's synchronize our watches.
#274
⇓
Donald!
#275
⇓
Uh-oh.
#276
⇓
You have lied to me.
#277
⇓
Satan! We were just doing some charity work!
#278
⇓
Yeah, I don't think so!
#279
⇓
I told Satan every detail of your expertly-crafted plot.
#280
⇓
Boss, it's your cum rag!
#281
⇓
I stayed with you while you two are fucking
#282
⇓
behind my back?
#283
⇓
Did Donald tell you he has genital warts?
#284
⇓
Hey, relax there, guy.
#285
⇓
Look, there he is!
#286
⇓
It's Satan!
#287
⇓
Yay!
#288
⇓
Just as the prophecy foretold!
#289
⇓
Towelie? What's going on?
#290
⇓
What's going on is the most exquisitely woven tapestry
#291
⇓
of ideas that you've ever seen, man.
#292
⇓
Your deception is over, Donald, and so are we.
#293
⇓
This child will be born.
#294
⇓
And for once, you are going to have to live
#295
⇓
with the consequences of your actions.
#296
⇓
Keep your hands off my president, bro.
#297
⇓
Whoa! It's Jesus Christ!
#298
⇓
Aww!
#299
⇓
This happens to be a great man
#300
⇓
who's protecting our country from fags.
#301
⇓
What the hell happened to Jesus?
#302
⇓
He's all Christian now.
#303
⇓
This man is a con artist, and I will deal with him!
#304
⇓
Don't think so, bro!
#305
⇓
Yeah! America! Whoo!
#306
⇓
Oh, my God, this just keeps getting crazier.
#307
⇓
What's wrong, Satan?
#308
⇓
It's the baby. I think it's coming.
#309
⇓
- Oh, wow, y'all, it's time! - What do we do, Stan?
#310
⇓
I don't know!
#311
⇓
You gotta get him to a hospital!
#312
⇓
Oh, boy! The big crap-out is almost here!
#313
⇓
I can hardly wait! Can hardly wait!
#314
⇓
Look, it's the doctor!
#315
⇓
Yay!
#316
⇓
All right, we're almost ready.
#317
⇓
We just wanna run a quick ultrasound,
#318
⇓
and we'll get you into the OR.
#319
⇓
Doctor, we must hurry. There are evil forces at work.
#320
⇓
All right! This guy's incredible!
#321
⇓
OK, now set Peter Thiel free!
#322
⇓
- Mr. President! What happened? - I don't know!
#323
⇓
I got another Christian dipshit to help me get what I want!
#324
⇓
Let's go, Christianity!
#325
⇓
Then we can proceed.
#326
⇓
We have very little time to stop
#327
⇓
the antichrist from coming.
#328
⇓
Boss, just so you know,
#329
⇓
I don't care if my asshole is filled with genital warts.
#330
⇓
I still love you.
#331
⇓
I can't believe he turned out to be
#332
⇓
this big of a piece a shit.
#333
⇓
I seriously fall for the worst guys.
#334
⇓
Now, now, Satan, you need to save your strength!
#335
⇓
I mean, I knew he sucked, OK?
#336
⇓
I knew it, but I didn't think he would go this far.
#337
⇓
- I am so stupid. - No! You're not stupid!
#338
⇓
Stanny, tell Satan he's not stupid.
#339
⇓
- You're not stupid. - No, I'm stupid!
#340
⇓
I saw how he treated everyone,
#341
⇓
but I was willing to look the other way.
#342
⇓
All because I just wanted my Christmas miracle.
#343
⇓
Your Christmas miracle?
#344
⇓
My little baby.
#345
⇓
The only thing in my life that could actually be good.
#346
⇓
But now Donald has Jesus on his side,
#347
⇓
and we'll never be free.
#348
⇓
Satan's right.
#349
⇓
If the President has Jesus on his side, he's unstoppable!
#350
⇓
It's only a matter of time
#351
⇓
before they come here and ruin everything.
#352
⇓
Aww!
#353
⇓
Now, don't be down, y'all.
#354
⇓
- We have our own secret weapon. - That's right!
#355
⇓
They might have Jesus, but we've got Stan!
#356
⇓
Yay!
#357
⇓
- ♪ What a special time, it's a special day ♪
#358
⇓
♪ It's a Woodland Critter Christmas ♪
#359
⇓
Crap-out! Yeah! Let's go!
#360
⇓
♪ ♪
#361
⇓
Let's do this!
#362
⇓
Oh, no, here they c-c-c-come!
#363
⇓
What are we gonna do?
#364
⇓
Where is room 6-7?
#365
⇓
Thank you!
#366
⇓
♪ ♪
#367
⇓
- Hey, kid! Get out of the way! - No.
#368
⇓
If you wanna get to Satan, you'll have to go through us.
#369
⇓
I am fully embracing this crap-out.
#370
⇓
Yay!
#371
⇓
Do not listen to these foul creatures of darkness, child!
#372
⇓
I don't know who to listen to anymore.
#373
⇓
All I know is, I might as well help someone
#374
⇓
get their Christmas miracle.
#375
⇓
'Cause nobody's helping me with mine.
#376
⇓
At least that's what Christmas used to mean.
#377
⇓
Trying to make things a little easier
#378
⇓
for someone else who needed it.
#379
⇓
I don't know what happened
#380
⇓
to your Spirit of Christmas, Jesus.
#381
⇓
Let's face it, you gave up, and now you've hit rock bottom.
#382
⇓
Hey, I didn't hit her, OK?
#383
⇓
I mean, all right, maybe I did!
#384
⇓
But Peggy was asking' for it!
#385
⇓
That's actually not at all what I was talking about.
#386
⇓
No. You're right.
#387
⇓
You're right, my child.
#388
⇓
I gave up and I lost faith.
#389
⇓
I don't want to do this.
#390
⇓
Hey! Don't forget I can sue you!
#391
⇓
Then go ahead and sue me.
#392
⇓
I'm not going to be afraid anymore.
#393
⇓
Excuse me, everyone.
#394
⇓
Sorry--sorry to interrupt,
#395
⇓
but I'm afraid we have some really bad news.
#396
⇓
- What? - What? What happened?
#397
⇓
We've looked at the ultrasound, and...
#398
⇓
it appears that at some point when nobody was watching,
#399
⇓
the baby hung itself and took its own life.
#400
⇓
- What? - What are you talking about?
#401
⇓
I'm afraid you can see it all in the video.
#402
⇓
The baby got ahold of some bedsheets.
#403
⇓
There's a couple minutes missing from the ultrasound,
#404
⇓
but it's definitely a suicide.
#405
⇓
You gotta be kidding me!
#406
⇓
The baby hung itself?
#407
⇓
Boss! Boss! It's a miracle!
#408
⇓
But does that mean
#409
⇓
there's not gonna be a crap-out?
#410
⇓
This is a Fox News special alert.
#411
⇓
Fox News has just received confirmation
#412
⇓
that the unborn child of Satan and President Trump
#413
⇓
has decided to take the easy way out
#414
⇓
and end its own life.
#415
⇓
Definitely an unfortunate turn of events.
#416
⇓
Fox News has analyzed the ultrasound.
#417
⇓
You can see the baby probably considering suicide right here
#418
⇓
and then-- a little bit missing--
#419
⇓
and it killed itself.
#420
⇓
Obvious confirmation of suicide.
#421
⇓
You can see a little chair there.
#422
⇓
Just what babies do sometimes.
#423
⇓
That's right, and if you or someone you know
#424
⇓
is a fetus contemplating suicide,
#425
⇓
we urge you to call Fox News as much as you possibly can.
#426
⇓
In the meantime, all our thoughts and prayers
#427
⇓
are with the president tonight,
#428
⇓
Who will be holding a funeral for his unborn child
#429
⇓
at the White House.
#430
⇓
♪ ♪
#431
⇓
Hey, Merry Christmas!
#432
⇓
Did you hear the news? The baby's dead!
#433
⇓
Yes, Mr. President, we are so sorry.
#434
⇓
Happy holidays! The baby's dead!
#435
⇓
Are you OK, sir?
#436
⇓
Yeah, it's really hard! Here, have a cigar!
#437
⇓
Hey, Pam! Merry Christmas! The baby's dead!
#438
⇓
You're so strong, Mr. President.
#439
⇓
And you're taking it really well.
#440
⇓
Hey! Thanks, Pam!
#441
⇓
♪ ♪
#442
⇓
♪
#443
⇓
I win! I win! I win again!
#444
⇓
♪
#445
⇓
Christmas letters from home. Here you go.
#446
⇓
Some Christmas joy from your loved ones.
#447
⇓
There you go.
#448
⇓
Hey, there's one for you today.
#449
⇓
Dear Stan, I'm writing this
#450
⇓
because I owe you an apology
#451
⇓
and a thank you.
#452
⇓
You asked for a Christmas miracle,
#453
⇓
and I didn't listen.
#454
⇓
So now, go to this address.
#455
⇓
No way.
#456
⇓
Thank you. Thank you!
#457
⇓
I'll be here, Stan, watching over everybody.
#458
⇓
Be good.
#459
⇓
And remember, never give up on the things
#460
⇓
that you commit to.
#461
⇓
He's so great, isn't he?
#462
⇓
Merry Christmas, everyone!
#463
⇓
Let's all have the happiest holidays!
#464
⇓
♪ A Christian Woman knows her place ♪
#465
⇓
♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
#466
⇓
♪ 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
#467
⇓
♪ That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
#468
⇓
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
#469
⇓
♪ Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
#470
⇓
Come on, seniors, sing along!
#471
⇓
♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
#472
⇓
♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
#473
⇓
♪ 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
#474
⇓
♪ That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
#475
⇓
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
#476
⇓
♪ To say merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
#477
⇓
♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
#478
⇓
♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
#479
⇓
♪ 'Cause I deserve it ♪
#480
⇓
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