Home » The Boys » S05E05 — One-Shots

The Boys

Season 5, Episode 5 — One-Shots

I'll fucking kill you.

#1

⇓

-[grunting] -[intense music playing]

#2

⇓

[yelling]

#3

⇓

[Butcher] I got you something.

#4

⇓

[Ryan] Terror! Does he still hump everything?

#5

⇓

[Butcher] He does his best.

#6

⇓

My grandma was diagnosed with leukemia.

#7

⇓

I discovered a cure.

#8

⇓

They laughed at me.

#9

⇓

Fuck them all.

#10

⇓

[Firecracker] Heavens to Betsy!

#11

⇓

What's that smell? It's Soldier Boy. I can smell him all over you.

#12

⇓

-Where's Noir? -He just disappears every afternoon.

#13

⇓

Won't say where he's going. Won't say shit.

#14

⇓

-I trusted you. -[Deep] Are you still butthurt

#15

⇓

-about me bringing in Stan Edgar? -[Black Noir] I thought we were friends.

#16

⇓

I needed a win from Homelander, Edgar was it.

#17

⇓

If we get the V1 first, we save Annie, we save Kimiko.

#18

⇓

If Homelander gets it, he's immortal.

#19

⇓

[Butcher] A punch like a bleeding sledgehammer

#20

⇓

and a taste for fucking smack.

#21

⇓

Bombsight.

#22

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[Soldier Boy] Enriched uranium.

#23

⇓

Good luck getting out of a Supe-proof cell

#24

⇓

while you're bleeding out of your ass.

#25

⇓

The V1 wasn't here.

#26

⇓

Just fucking do it already.

#27

⇓

[Homelander] I was visited by an angel.

#28

⇓

Today, we commit ourselves

#29

⇓

to a divine rebranding.

#30

⇓

I am the Messiah.

#31

⇓

The Democratic Church of America!

#32

⇓

[congregation chanting] Homelander! Homelander!

#33

⇓

[inspirational music playing]

#34

⇓

[narrator] They're up before dawn.

#35

⇓

They got a thousand heads of cattle to herd.

#36

⇓

It's hard work and strong coffee.

#37

⇓

Old leather saddles

#38

⇓

and the worn stock of a trusty Remington.

#39

⇓

And when the sun finally rises over the range,

#40

⇓

the cowboys know

#41

⇓

America is God's country

#42

⇓

and Americans, God's chosen people.

#43

⇓

So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans

#44

⇓

with American grit and American values?

#45

⇓

Founded by the greatest American of us all?

#46

⇓

A true American prophet?

#47

⇓

Come home to the Democratic Church of America.

#48

⇓

Come home to Homelander.

#49

⇓

Already, the campaign's Aided Awareness

#50

⇓

outpaces the norm by plus-22 points,

#51

⇓

led by white men and women, ages 36 to 54 and 55 to 72.

#52

⇓

We are also seeing massive growth on the ground level.

#53

⇓

Yeah? 'Cause I'm seeing massive growth myself.

#54

⇓

Church attendance is up,

#55

⇓

and our online donation CTR is at 44%.

#56

⇓

That's a new record. Amen.

#57

⇓

Amen.

#58

⇓

Next up is a 500 million ad blitz

#59

⇓

with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital.

#60

⇓

Ain't nobody won't know about the Democratic Church of America

#61

⇓

and its chosen prophet.

#62

⇓

[sighs]

#63

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Prophets are servants.

#64

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Of course.

#65

⇓

Sir, great point.

#66

⇓

We're just trying to ease people into it.

#67

⇓

No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension.

#68

⇓

-We must be honest. We must be direct. -[claps hands]

#69

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-I like "savior." -[Firecracker] Mm.

#70

⇓

Or-or--

#71

⇓

Lord.

#72

⇓

Yes, I couldn't agree more, sir.

#73

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-[Homelander] Mm. -Religion is not about being meek.

#74

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We should dominate

#75

⇓

the seven mountains of society,

#76

⇓

bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Amen.

#77

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-Amen. -Amen. I love all that.

#78

⇓

So fucking dope.

#79

⇓

[Oh Father] Easter is just around the corner.

#80

⇓

How perfect would it be for your second coming

#81

⇓

to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection?

#82

⇓

Mm. Second coming?

#83

⇓

Let's be clear, I am not the son of God.

#84

⇓

Yeah, well, of course.

#85

⇓

Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son.

#86

⇓

Well, that's just confusing.

#87

⇓

I don't want my church getting involved in all... that.

#88

⇓

[Firecracker] Exactly.

#89

⇓

Besides, if we pull up our timeline,

#90

⇓

you won't have...

#91

⇓

this.

#92

⇓

[hopeful music playing]

#93

⇓

[Homelander gasps]

#94

⇓

We're gonna drag our feet because of a book?

#95

⇓

Not a book.

#96

⇓

The book.

#97

⇓

The Homelander Bible.

#98

⇓

Heavy.

#99

⇓

[quietly] What the fuck?

#100

⇓

It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament,

#101

⇓

and the Brand New American Testament,

#102

⇓

written by A.I. trained on the works of Pat Robertson.

#103

⇓

See, we need to pass the torch, sir,

#104

⇓

from Jesus to you.

#105

⇓

Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression.

#106

⇓

Are we really gonna rush something this important?

#107

⇓

-We ain't Arby's, after all. -No.

#108

⇓

We're the Cheesecake Factory.

#109

⇓

[sighs] Okay.

#110

⇓

We'll do it your way.

#111

⇓

Thank you.

#112

⇓

You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval

#113

⇓

is likely to generate widespread civil unrest?

#114

⇓

[Firecracker] Local law should be able to handle the suburbs,

#115

⇓

but we could use extra hands in major metros.

#116

⇓

Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas.

#117

⇓

American heroes should be protecting America,

#118

⇓

-not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan. -Great idea.

#119

⇓

-[laughs] -[phone vibrating]

#120

⇓

[suspenseful music playing]

#121

⇓

-Something wrong? -Everything's peachy.

#122

⇓

[siren wailing in distance]

#123

⇓

[Reverend Dupree] Well, I can see why they call this the city that never sleeps.

#124

⇓

How could you with all that racket?

#125

⇓

-You get used to it. -You seem to have.

#126

⇓

City life seems to suit you.

#127

⇓

I guess.

#128

⇓

I was surprised you called, Reverend.

#129

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Well, I was surprised you answered.

#130

⇓

It's been a while, and, uh, I said things I regret.

#131

⇓

We both did.

#132

⇓

You remember when you used to stop by the church after school?

#133

⇓

Use your powers to light our candles? [laughs]

#134

⇓

I remember staying for supper.

#135

⇓

Oh, man, those Fish Fry Fridays.

#136

⇓

I never liked eating alone.

#137

⇓

Or were you making sure I got at least one hot square a day?

#138

⇓

Reverend, is something the matter?

#139

⇓

I'm embarrassed to bug you with all of this, but, um,

#140

⇓

the last couple of weeks have been rough.

#141

⇓

We've been bleeding congregants to the Democratic Church of America,

#142

⇓

and what folks are sticking around, they're scared.

#143

⇓

-Why? -'Cause last Sunday, somebody, um,

#144

⇓

melted our stained glass window of Mary.

#145

⇓

-Melted it? -Mm-hmm.

#146

⇓

It was our local Supe, Praying Mantis.

#147

⇓

He sprayed acid out of his butt.

#148

⇓

-I mean, his... his glands, his whatever. -Yeah.

#149

⇓

-I know him. -It was a message.

#150

⇓

I called the sheriff. I called the mayor. I called half of Florida.

#151

⇓

You're all I got left.

#152

⇓

[sighs]

#153

⇓

Reverend, I don't know what I could do.

#154

⇓

[Reverend Dupree] Well, you got to be able to do something.

#155

⇓

You're Homelander's right hand.

#156

⇓

Homelander's not too keen on being challenged.

#157

⇓

Why not just pay the franchise fee and join?

#158

⇓

Honey, we can barely afford to pay our water bill.

#159

⇓

Besides, the Democratic Church of America?

#160

⇓

God does not favor one nation over another.

#161

⇓

-Doesn't he, though? [chuckles] -No.

#162

⇓

Name one way God's ever blessed Canada. [chuckles]

#163

⇓

Just 'cause Homelander tells you that the sky is red does not make it so.

#164

⇓

You still have that, uh, that Jesus action figure?

#165

⇓

[Firecracker laughs]

#166

⇓

I'm surprised you remember that.

#167

⇓

How could I forget it? You carried it with you everywhere you went.

#168

⇓

-[laughs] -You almost wore the face off the thing.

#169

⇓

Do you still carry him?

#170

⇓

[gentle music playing]

#171

⇓

It's complicated.

#172

⇓

No, it's... I don't think it is.

#173

⇓

Homelander is a... he's a great American.

#174

⇓

He can stop bullets, he can fly, and do amazing things.

#175

⇓

Those aren't miracles.

#176

⇓

And he is not God.

#177

⇓

If you're the same Misty Tucker Gray that I taught the Bible to over fish,

#178

⇓

I think you know it, too.

#179

⇓

[groaning]

#180

⇓

[pants]

#181

⇓

[grunting]

#182

⇓

We ain't doing that again.

#183

⇓

[laughs] That's what you said the last six times.

#184

⇓

No, I really mean it this time.

#185

⇓

[sighs]

#186

⇓

You seem a little out of it. Did you nut?

#187

⇓

'Cause usually you nut.

#188

⇓

[sighs]

#189

⇓

Were you baptized?

#190

⇓

Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill.

#191

⇓

Governor Sproul did the honors.

#192

⇓

My family kept up appearances, of course.

#193

⇓

Then we never set foot in church again.

#194

⇓

I had lunch today with the reverend who baptized me.

#195

⇓

He's been getting heat to switch over to our church.

#196

⇓

You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him?

#197

⇓

Just... give him a little more time?

#198

⇓

I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me.

#199

⇓

So you didn't nut?

#200

⇓

You know, this whole Homelander as God shit, it's...

#201

⇓

it's fucking ridiculous.

#202

⇓

Really? You think so?

#203

⇓

If he's the second coming, then what does that make me? Joseph?

#204

⇓

I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history.

#205

⇓

Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin,

#206

⇓

and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet.

#207

⇓

Fuck that.

#208

⇓

I guess I've been struggling with where to place

#209

⇓

Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord.

#210

⇓

Okay.

#211

⇓

Of course I worship Homelander.

#212

⇓

I mean, he's always been a god to me.

#213

⇓

Look, I'll tell you this.

#214

⇓

If there is a God...

#215

⇓

...sure as hell didn't come out of my balls.

#216

⇓

-I got to go. -Where you off to?

#217

⇓

L.A.

#218

⇓

I fucking hate L.A.

#219

⇓

[knock on door]

#220

⇓

[Firecracker] Homelander?

#221

⇓

[suspenseful music playing]

#222

⇓

Homelander?

#223

⇓

[soft whoosh]

#224

⇓

Hello?

#225

⇓

Does Homelander know you're here?

#226

⇓

Yeah, of course.

#227

⇓

Some of our church's followers generously donated their milk

#228

⇓

for our savior's sustenance.

#229

⇓

I mean, he got to get this liquid gold from somewhere, am I right? [laughing]

#230

⇓

You need something?

#231

⇓

Where's Homelander?

#232

⇓

Oh, uh, he didn't tell you?

#233

⇓

Yeah, he had to fly off to L.A.

#234

⇓

Strange he didn't mention anything.

#235

⇓

Well, I've been real busy working for his glory,

#236

⇓

so not much time for chitchat.

#237

⇓

Of course.

#238

⇓

Look at us, a regular Peter and John, just bearing witness

#239

⇓

-and spreading the gospel. -[sighs]

#240

⇓

A real blessing.

#241

⇓

-Amen. A real... -Amen.

#242

⇓

-...blessing. -Oh, uh, by the way,

#243

⇓

after our meeting, I checked in on the timeline of that Homelander Bible,

#244

⇓

and, uh, the printers were happy to rush it to make Easter.

#245

⇓

Well, ain't you full of get-up-and-go.

#246

⇓

Thing is, they said it wasn't a problem.

#247

⇓

So, I wondered why you were so bent on holding it up.

#248

⇓

I wasn't.

#249

⇓

See, I just wanted to make sure everything was just right.

#250

⇓

Listen, if you are ever feeling any doubts,

#251

⇓

come to me.

#252

⇓

I can be a warm shoulder and a friendly ear.

#253

⇓

Well, bless your heart.

#254

⇓

[unsettling music playing]

#255

⇓

I'll do that.

#256

⇓

What'd you want to talk to Homelander about?

#257

⇓

Maybe I can help.

#258

⇓

That is so kind of you.

#259

⇓

But it wasn't important.

#260

⇓

[knock on door]

#261

⇓

What's up?

#262

⇓

Um...

#263

⇓

Got a tip from our southeast stringer.

#264

⇓

Praying Mantis raided half a dozen churches in Daytona.

#265

⇓

Was one of 'em Holy Baptist?

#266

⇓

The man upstairs wants us-- you-- to run with it top of show.

#267

⇓

He thinks with it being your home church and all, it'll make a strong statement.

#268

⇓

So I'll have Chris load the new graphics?

#269

⇓

I got to finish getting ready.

#270

⇓

[somber music playing]

#271

⇓

-[rock music playing] -♪ USA... ♪

#272

⇓

Welcome to Truthbomb.

#273

⇓

Our top story tonight's a personal one.

#274

⇓

It's the story of my hometown church,

#275

⇓

Holy Baptist of Daytona.

#276

⇓

It was the church I grew up in.

#277

⇓

Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday.

#278

⇓

But that church...

#279

⇓

That church...

#280

⇓

That church...

#281

⇓

...has become

#282

⇓

a hotbed of Starlighter infestation.

#283

⇓

And my old pastor,

#284

⇓

Reverend Greg Dupree, has been infected

#285

⇓

by Starlight's seditious propaganda.

#286

⇓

Now...

#287

⇓

...I never told a soul this,

#288

⇓

but when I was a little girl, the reverend regularly had me over for supper.

#289

⇓

Alone.

#290

⇓

No.

#291

⇓

Nothing ever happened to me, but...

#292

⇓

[sighs]

#293

⇓

I heard stories about his "Fish Fry Fridays."

#294

⇓

And if that ain't code for child grooming,

#295

⇓

I don't know what is.

#296

⇓

How much longer

#297

⇓

are we gonna let these institutional pedo churches

#298

⇓

diddle our babies?

#299

⇓

Americans deserve better.

#300

⇓

They deserve... Homelander.

#301

⇓

They deserve

#302

⇓

the Democratic Church of America.

#303

⇓

[unsettling music playing]

#304

⇓

[phone vibrates]

#305

⇓

[unsettling music playing]

#306

⇓

Something wrong?

#307

⇓

Everything's peachy.

#308

⇓

-Would you like some knee pads? -I'm sorry?

#309

⇓

You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.

#310

⇓

So I'm asking if you would like some knee pads.

#311

⇓

[stammers]

#312

⇓

[Homelander] Take it easy on the little guy.

#313

⇓

He brought me Stan Edgar.

#314

⇓

[knuckles crack]

#315

⇓

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

#316

⇓

[dramatic music playing]

#317

⇓

[lighthearted music playing]

#318

⇓

Barry Gibb. B.G. There's no Bee Gees without me.

#319

⇓

B.G. means the "Brothers Gibb."

#320

⇓

What, you think that falsetto makes you boss?

#321

⇓

I think Saturday Night Fever going platinum 16 times makes me boss.

#322

⇓

We made that album together.

#323

⇓

You're nothing without me and Maurice.

#324

⇓

Don't you dare bring Maurice into this!

#325

⇓

[scoffs]

#326

⇓

I don't know. It feels inauthentic for Barry to move like this.

#327

⇓

[Adam] Oh, yeah?

#328

⇓

In what way?

#329

⇓

Egomaniacs like Barry are-are really just insecure.

#330

⇓

I think he's threatened by Robin's talent.

#331

⇓

So, maybe he, uh, expresses that by doing a barrel roll instead?

#332

⇓

Never mind. Sorry, I broke character. I didn't mean to--

#333

⇓

Yeah.

#334

⇓

You need to apologize all right.

#335

⇓

For being a fucking genius.

#336

⇓

Are you fucking kidding me? A barrel roll?

#337

⇓

Holy shit.

#338

⇓

It's brilliant.

#339

⇓

Justin, I don't know who you are,

#340

⇓

or where you came from, or anything about you,

#341

⇓

but, my God, if you are not a fucking talent.

#342

⇓

-Wow, thank you. -No.

#343

⇓

Thank you.

#344

⇓

Let's take ten, everybody.

#345

⇓

-[siren wailing in distance] -[Adam sighs]

#346

⇓

All right.

#347

⇓

-Lay it on me, Justin. -What do you mean?

#348

⇓

You're acting up there. Stop acting.

#349

⇓

Stop acting.

#350

⇓

Don't act. Don't.

#351

⇓

Because I don't need an actor.

#352

⇓

I need Barry Gibb.

#353

⇓

You're right, boss. I'm sorry.

#354

⇓

My process has been all over the map. I just...

#355

⇓

This scene hits a little close to home.

#356

⇓

[sighs]

#357

⇓

All right, let me guess. The egomaniac we're talking about,

#358

⇓

that's someone in your life?

#359

⇓

Someone I work with.

#360

⇓

In my... day job.

#361

⇓

All right. What are you doing? So quit.

#362

⇓

There's no way this gig is more important than the fucking theater.

#363

⇓

I thought this guy was my brother,

#364

⇓

but he straight-up hijacked something I did and took all the credit for it.

#365

⇓

All right.

#366

⇓

I've been trying to keep this on the D.L., but...

#367

⇓

in addition to my theater work,

#368

⇓

I also happen to be a massive feature director.

#369

⇓

Four Saturn Awards to prove it.

#370

⇓

So, I was working on this little film, I don't know, you may have heard of it,

#371

⇓

called Dawn of the Seven.

#372

⇓

Billion dollar gross, but who's counting.

#373

⇓

There was this fucking guy, the Deep,

#374

⇓

he just kept upstaging everyone with his trite, shitty improvs.

#375

⇓

I heard he's a real baby.

#376

⇓

He is a Jared Leto-level baby bitch.

#377

⇓

But you got to put people like that in their place, right?

#378

⇓

So, whoever is upstaging you, you fucking upstage them right back.

#379

⇓

-Okay? -Yeah.

#380

⇓

All right.

#381

⇓

You got this, bubbeleh.

#382

⇓

[lighthearted music playing]

#383

⇓

[computer voice] Testing. Testing. Bitch. Bitch.

#384

⇓

-So great you're here, bro. -Alpha. Sigma. Beta.

#385

⇓

Yes, well, we need to meet young men where they are

#386

⇓

if we plan to usher them into the fold of our Lord.

#387

⇓

Mm. Totes McGotes.

#388

⇓

So, listen, you know, I've got some ideas

#389

⇓

about how to take this whole church thing to the next level.

#390

⇓

Oh, yeah?

#391

⇓

So you know how communion wafers taste like dried shit?

#392

⇓

What if they were Nilla wafers instead.

#393

⇓

Ah?

#394

⇓

Oh, yeah, and if you could throw in a commandment

#395

⇓

about how it's not cool to try and bone another bro's girl.

#396

⇓

We have that. That already exists.

#397

⇓

Great minds then, eh? [laughs]

#398

⇓

Point is, me and Homelander, we go way back.

#399

⇓

I know what he likes, doesn't like,

#400

⇓

so you ever want to bounce some ideas back--

#401

⇓

Don't listen to him, bro.

#402

⇓

Oh, shit!

#403

⇓

He talks.

#404

⇓

-No, he does not. -He's not trying to help you.

#405

⇓

He's like those fish who suck on whales.

#406

⇓

[scoffs] You talking about a suckerfish?

#407

⇓

He latches onto every new Supe-- Starlight, me, Sage.

#408

⇓

He pretends he's the guy, but he's not the guy. He's a joke.

#409

⇓

That smell on his breath? It's because he's been clam diving, on clams.

#410

⇓

What? I have not done that.

#411

⇓

-I have definitely never done that. -[Black Noir] Look, if you

#412

⇓

really want to impress Homelander, bring me onstage for Easter.

#413

⇓

Homelander can heal me. I'll get my voice back.

#414

⇓

And then, I'll fly.

#415

⇓

-You know I can fly, right? -That's so fucking stupid, bro!

#416

⇓

Well, now, I'm gonna have to run this by Homelander, but, uh,

#417

⇓

an honest to God faith healing?

#418

⇓

That's like a nine-point bump with Pentecostals right there.

#419

⇓

[laughs] Goddamn.

#420

⇓

[lighthearted music playing]

#421

⇓

[Adam] There's my guy.

#422

⇓

Little pep in the step, huh?

#423

⇓

Sir, I did what you said, and I upstaged that fuckhead at work.

#424

⇓

I'm proud of you.

#425

⇓

Now, that's exactly how I handled that motherfucker Paul Rudd.

#426

⇓

He's not who you think he is.

#427

⇓

I appreciate the help, boss.

#428

⇓

[stammers, chuckles]

#429

⇓

Oh, my God, kid. You know what?

#430

⇓

Keep this between us, but you know Vought Studios

#431

⇓

hung me out to dry after they shelved Training A-Train?

#432

⇓

-[grunts softly] -Oh, yeah.

#433

⇓

And at first, I drowned my sorrows in crack,

#434

⇓

nitrous, huffing glue, huffing paint, paint thinners, cough medicine, guns,

#435

⇓

high-risk sex, codeine.

#436

⇓

Do you ever fuck on codeine?

#437

⇓

[sighs]

#438

⇓

But that's not the answer.

#439

⇓

[gentle music playing]

#440

⇓

This play.

#441

⇓

It saved me.

#442

⇓

You saved me.

#443

⇓

Wow. Thank you.

#444

⇓

No. Kid, thank you.

#445

⇓

'Cause I got some big news.

#446

⇓

We're going to Broadway.

#447

⇓

[laughs] Yes. No more mindless studio bullshit.

#448

⇓

I can finally be the artist I always dreamed of, and you...

#449

⇓

Kid, you have no idea, but you're gonna be a fucking star.

#450

⇓

So, you ditch that office gig 'cause you and I, we are gonna save the world.

#451

⇓

With our talent.

#452

⇓

Oh, my God. You have no idea how much this means to me!

#453

⇓

[chuckles, grunts] I love you, kid.

#454

⇓

You start your vocal warm-ups.

#455

⇓

-Yeah. -I'm gonna drop a deuce.

#456

⇓

Okay.

#457

⇓

[water splashes]

#458

⇓

Fucking Tony Gilroy.

#459

⇓

-[suspenseful music playing] -[water bubbling]

#460

⇓

-[squelching] -[screaming]

#461

⇓

[screeching]

#462

⇓

Oh, my God!

#463

⇓

-[intense music playing] -[screaming]

#464

⇓

[Black Noir] Adam?

#465

⇓

Holy shit.

#466

⇓

Get it out!

#467

⇓

-[screaming] -[screeching]

#468

⇓

[groans]

#469

⇓

[panting]

#470

⇓

Come here.

#471

⇓

[somber music playing]

#472

⇓

Closer.

#473

⇓

[inhales deeply]

#474

⇓

My asshole hurts so fucking much.

#475

⇓

[intense music playing]

#476

⇓

[panting]

#477

⇓

[squeaks weakly]

#478

⇓

[door opens]

#479

⇓

-[door closes] -Hey, bro.

#480

⇓

Don't you fucking "hey bro" me. What the fuck is wrong with you?

#481

⇓

Nothing. Why? What's wrong with you?

#482

⇓

I call you a "clam diver," and you send an eel to ass-murder Adam Bourke?

#483

⇓

Did something terrible happen at your play rehearsal today?

#484

⇓

Which is definitely not your job.

#485

⇓

The lead producer's stepping away. They're shuttering the production.

#486

⇓

[scoffs] He had it coming.

#487

⇓

Fucker didn't use my improvs in Dawn of the Seven.

#488

⇓

He believed in me, you fuckwit!

#489

⇓

And for what? 'Cause I fucking upstaged you with Oh Father?

#490

⇓

[tense music playing]

#491

⇓

Here's what gonna happen now.

#492

⇓

You are gonna fucking do whatever I say whenever I say it,

#493

⇓

or I'm gonna tell Homelander you were in some pussy play,

#494

⇓

which is a definite conflict of interest

#495

⇓

since Homelander outlawed the National Endowment for the Arts.

#496

⇓

You have nothing to say? Nice.

#497

⇓

You're really getting the hang of that Meisner technique, huh?

#498

⇓

-[intense music playing] -[door opens, closes]

#499

⇓

[uplifting music playing]

#500

⇓

-Hey. Hey, buddy. -[Terror panting]

#501

⇓

Good boy. Good boy.

#502

⇓

Hi.

#503

⇓

[music distorting]

#504

⇓

You want to fuck me?

#505

⇓

[distorted] You want to fuck me like a good boy?

#506

⇓

[narrator over TV] And Americans, God's chosen people.

#507

⇓

So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans?

#508

⇓

With American grit and American values?

#509

⇓

Founded by the greatest American of us all?

#510

⇓

A true American prophet?

#511

⇓

-[squeaking rhythmically] -[door opens]

#512

⇓

Hold on.

#513

⇓

What're you doing?

#514

⇓

Frenchie won't cook my steak past medium rare,

#515

⇓

and I like mine burnt, with ketchup.

#516

⇓

Okay, and why don't you tell him that?

#517

⇓

I have.

#518

⇓

Maybe we just don't like the same... steak, you know?

#519

⇓

Jesus Christ.

#520

⇓

Has Butcher ever washed this thing? Oh.

#521

⇓

Ugh, that thing is, like, glazed in dog semen.

#522

⇓

Like a come doughnut.

#523

⇓

Come-nut? Did I just invent a new word?

#524

⇓

You know what? I am gonna do us all a favor and wash this.

#525

⇓

Terror, your boyfriend is about to become a virgin all over again.

#526

⇓

Oof.

#527

⇓

[Kimiko] Good boy.

#528

⇓

[door closes]

#529

⇓

[lighthearted music playing]

#530

⇓

[quiet squeaking in distance]

#531

⇓

[wheels squeaking]

#532

⇓

[Mother's Milk] The fuck is that?

#533

⇓

You finally building yourself a fuck-bot?

#534

⇓

Something me and Frenchie are working on. [sighs]

#535

⇓

Proper preparation and planning, my son.

#536

⇓

None of my fucking business, got it.

#537

⇓

Yeah, that's the one.

#538

⇓

-Any leads on Bombsight? -Not a damn thing.

#539

⇓

[Butcher] Well, he's an unbreakable cunt that flies through the air.

#540

⇓

How hard can it be?

#541

⇓

Well, if it's so easy, why don't you look for him?

#542

⇓

I've hit every single dead end and then some.

#543

⇓

How about Legend? That old bastard knows everyone.

#544

⇓

He's in the wind.

#545

⇓

And if I had as much shit on Vought as he did, I'd fuck off, too.

#546

⇓

Ah, shit.

#547

⇓

Wait, wait, wait.

#548

⇓

-Oi. Terror, no! -Hey, hey, hey!

#549

⇓

-Get down. No, Terror. Oi. -Good boy. Good boy.

#550

⇓

Oi, oi, oi, oi. No.

#551

⇓

You can't have no chocolate, mate.

#552

⇓

Yeah, get your own chocolate.

#553

⇓

[Mother's Milk] Mmm.

#554

⇓

What?

#555

⇓

-Three Mississippi rule. -Bloody hell.

#556

⇓

I never thought I'd see the day.

#557

⇓

It's got a fucking pubic hair on it and all.

#558

⇓

Tasty, too. Hmm?

#559

⇓

[laughs]

#560

⇓

You know what's funny?

#561

⇓

Here we are, parked in the middle of hell,

#562

⇓

and I've never slept or shit so good in my entire life.

#563

⇓

-What's different? -Well, like you,

#564

⇓

I just finally realized that I'm already dead.

#565

⇓

And once I just gave up that stress of needing to stay alive, it's like,

#566

⇓

shit got easier.

#567

⇓

You know, I spent my whole life

#568

⇓

going after Soldier Boy for what he did to my family.

#569

⇓

Yet he's immortal?

#570

⇓

He's immune? [scoffs]

#571

⇓

What kind of fucking cosmic joke is that?

#572

⇓

So, you tell me, Butcher.

#573

⇓

Why should I keep going?

#574

⇓

Well, you keep going for Monique, for Janine.

#575

⇓

They're better off without me.

#576

⇓

How can a man so smart be so fucking daft?

#577

⇓

They are.

#578

⇓

And I'm better off without them.

#579

⇓

Because if I thought that there was a snowball's chance in hell

#580

⇓

that I might see them again...

#581

⇓

...then I might be too scared to do what you and me both need me to do.

#582

⇓

[footsteps pattering]

#583

⇓

[object clatters in distance]

#584

⇓

[lighthearted music playing]

#585

⇓

[Terror panting]

#586

⇓

[Frenchie] Oh.

#587

⇓

Bonsoir, mon toutou.

#588

⇓

You wonder what am I doing? [laughs]

#589

⇓

Oh, well, first, I made Kimiko the perfect French ribeye.

#590

⇓

You know, she loves my steak.

#591

⇓

And for dessert, my soufflé au chocolat.

#592

⇓

It's a thing of legend.

#593

⇓

[Frenchie sighs]

#594

⇓

You know, she wants one of you.

#595

⇓

To... I don't know.

#596

⇓

What is it that you do?

#597

⇓

Eat? Sleep? Oh, fetch.

#598

⇓

[chuckles] I throw the ball, you bring it back.

#599

⇓

I throw the ball, you bring it back.

#600

⇓

It's a nightmare of futility.

#601

⇓

What would I do with one of you?

#602

⇓

I've killed every plant I've owned.

#603

⇓

I'd surely kill you, too.

#604

⇓

[grunts softly]

#605

⇓

[sighs]

#606

⇓

She deserves peace.

#607

⇓

A normal life.

#608

⇓

But I...

#609

⇓

[melancholy music playing]

#610

⇓

I don't know how to give her this.

#611

⇓

If I even can.

#612

⇓

[grunts softly]

#613

⇓

-[timer ringing] -Oh! Oh, la, la, la, la.

#614

⇓

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Aw...

#615

⇓

Fils de pute!

#616

⇓

[sighs]

#617

⇓

[inhales sharply]

#618

⇓

I need fresh air. You want to come?

#619

⇓

Outside?

#620

⇓

No?

#621

⇓

Okay.

#622

⇓

[Hughie] If you and M.M. still think--

#623

⇓

[Butcher] Oh, for fuck's sakes, Hughie, knock it off

#624

⇓

with this V1 shite. You're doing me fucking head in.

#625

⇓

Oi. Terror. Cut it out. Come on.

#626

⇓

Now, listen, if we do find that stuff,

#627

⇓

we're not making any fucking vaccines out of it, all right?

#628

⇓

We're not the department of fucking health.

#629

⇓

We burn that shit before Homelander gets his paws on it,

#630

⇓

-and that's that. -Well, if you want to kill yourself,

#631

⇓

knock yourself out, but why do you have to decide for the rest of us?

#632

⇓

Oh, 'cause I'm fucking right!

#633

⇓

'Cause I've always been right!

#634

⇓

I've been telling you lot from the fucking start

#635

⇓

the sky is falling, and guess what.

#636

⇓

The sky fucking fell.

#637

⇓

-Well, you kind of helped bring it down. -Oh, don't give me that bollocks.

#638

⇓

Listen, Homelander thinks he's a fucking god.

#639

⇓

Once he becomes immortal, he's gonna start killing like one,

#640

⇓

and we are talking millions of people.

#641

⇓

Now, are you telling me you're honestly happy to risk all of that

#642

⇓

for a life on the run with your girl,

#643

⇓

knowing that you could've stopped it?

#644

⇓

You can live with that, can you?

#645

⇓

What if it was Becca?

#646

⇓

You'd just let her die?

#647

⇓

[tense music playing]

#648

⇓

I did let her die.

#649

⇓

Look.

#650

⇓

I know that Homelander comes first.

#651

⇓

I really do.

#652

⇓

All I'm asking is that we try.

#653

⇓

Annie and Kimiko deserve that much.

#654

⇓

[garbage can clatters]

#655

⇓

Oi, Terror, no!

#656

⇓

Oi, get out of there. Oh, bloody hell. Is that chocolate?

#657

⇓

Isn't chocolate bad for dogs?

#658

⇓

For a dog this old, it's fucking lethal. Oi!

#659

⇓

Frenchie, you cunt! Get me some hydrogen peroxide, would you?

#660

⇓

Okay, we have some in the first aid kit. Give me one second.

#661

⇓

-What happened? -You poisoned me fucking dog.

#662

⇓

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no. -What's going on?

#663

⇓

Look, all you need is charcoal.

#664

⇓

-[Kimiko] We should call a vet. -[Mother's Milk] They're gonna tell you

#665

⇓

-you need charcoal. -[Hughie] Guys, we got this.

#666

⇓

-Just give us some room. -I'll hold his mouth open, you pour.

#667

⇓

Right? On the count of three. One, two, three.

#668

⇓

Sorry, buddy.

#669

⇓

There you go.

#670

⇓

[Butcher] That's a-- All right, all right.

#671

⇓

[Terror gagging, wheezing]

#672

⇓

-[Butcher] Oof. That's it. -Ew.

#673

⇓

That's it. Good boy. You're all right.

#674

⇓

You're gonna be all right, boy.

#675

⇓

[sighs] Fucking hell.

#676

⇓

-Hey. You want some turkey? -[Terror panting]

#677

⇓

[distorted] Well, first, you got to fuck me.

#678

⇓

Then I'll give you the turkey.

#679

⇓

Oi.

#680

⇓

There he is, eh.

#681

⇓

Oi. Hey, were you having a dream, were you?

#682

⇓

Was it a goody?

#683

⇓

[knock on door]

#684

⇓

How's he doing?

#685

⇓

[Butcher] Yeah, he's all right.

#686

⇓

Thank you for, uh...

#687

⇓

Yeah. It's all good.

#688

⇓

[gentle music playing]

#689

⇓

Oi.

#690

⇓

Hughie.

#691

⇓

Listen, uh...

#692

⇓

If we do find that V1,

#693

⇓

and if it don't fuck us, uh...

#694

⇓

...y-you can have some.

#695

⇓

For Annie and, uh... Kimiko.

#696

⇓

What about you?

#697

⇓

Oi, but as soon as Frenchie's got that shite sorted,

#698

⇓

we're using it, all right? Ready or not.

#699

⇓

Ooh.

#700

⇓

[softly] Yeah.

#701

⇓

What you looking at?

#702

⇓

Nothing.

#703

⇓

And as for you, don't you ever fucking do that to me again, all right?

#704

⇓

Good boy.

#705

⇓

Now, I caught Blondie trying to give your wank-plush the boil wash,

#706

⇓

but I know how you love the crunchy goods.

#707

⇓

Yes, I do. I know how you love those crunchy goods. Yeah.

#708

⇓

[squeaking rhythmically]

#709

⇓

You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely

#710

⇓

to generate widespread civil unrest?

#711

⇓

Local law can handle the suburbs, but we could use

#712

⇓

extra hands in major metros.

#713

⇓

All right, we'll recall all the Supes stationed overseas.

#714

⇓

American heroes should be protecting America,

#715

⇓

not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan.

#716

⇓

-[Firecracker laughs] -Great idea.

#717

⇓

[intriguing music playing]

#718

⇓

-Where to? -Crime analytics.

#719

⇓

[elevator bell chimes]

#720

⇓

[elevator doors slide closed]

#721

⇓

-That was thrilling, wasn't it? -[elevator beeping steadily]

#722

⇓

What a bright future we have ahead of us.

#723

⇓

It was a real Guccione piss party.

#724

⇓

Imagine how much more exciting it'll be when Homelander becomes immortal.

#725

⇓

Mm.

#726

⇓

Have you found the V1?

#727

⇓

No.

#728

⇓

Homelander hasn't gotten anything out of Stan Edgar?

#729

⇓

No. But I haven't had a crack at him yet.

#730

⇓

[chuckles]

#731

⇓

-[elevator bell chimes] -[doors slide open]

#732

⇓

[intriguing music playing]

#733

⇓

[doors slide closed]

#734

⇓

[door opens]

#735

⇓

Jesus, give me a little personal space, will you, Garth?

#736

⇓

[groans]

#737

⇓

Twenty-four-seven agents must be hard for someone so into scat play.

#738

⇓

You realize I do actually work?

#739

⇓

I was this close to convincing the FCC to pull every broadcast license but VNN.

#740

⇓

Homelander feels this is more important.

#741

⇓

[sighs]

#742

⇓

What now?

#743

⇓

The president and I stand by this decision.

#744

⇓

We need our American Supes here in America.

#745

⇓

[man over phone speaking angrily]

#746

⇓

Well, isn't it kind of sort of your fault for being invaded?

#747

⇓

You might as well have been wearing a short skirt.

#748

⇓

Man, those Ukrainians sure have a fucking mouth on them.

#749

⇓

Remember, you're doing the Lord's work.

#750

⇓

Word's out, Vought's stock is tanking.

#751

⇓

The international markets are in freefall, and you're not

#752

⇓

-the least bit concerned? -It's not about what I think.

#753

⇓

It's what the man wants.

#754

⇓

It's always what the man wants.

#755

⇓

[dramatic music playing]

#756

⇓

You want a drink?

#757

⇓

So, we're at the Climate Change Summit in Reykjavík,

#758

⇓

when the Swiss chancellor says we should all race our Gulfstreams.

#759

⇓

The amount of CO2 we splooged out?

#760

⇓

The air was chewy the next day, lolz. [laughs]

#761

⇓

Come on. What do you want from me, Sage?

#762

⇓

What makes you think I want anything from you?

#763

⇓

You haven't called me the poster child for late-term abortion once today.

#764

⇓

Truth be told, you're not the one I want.

#765

⇓

I know you know what Homelander's doing.

#766

⇓

-[Bashley] He's going after the V1. -Wait, what?!

#767

⇓

And if he gets any--

#768

⇓

-He lives forever. -What is V1?

#769

⇓

And what do you mean Homelander lives forever? [gasps]

#770

⇓

I've done what I can to make sure he doesn't find any.

#771

⇓

How do you know about this and I don't?

#772

⇓

Have you two been talking without me?

#773

⇓

Homelander is an open baby book, but Soldier Boy is tricky.

#774

⇓

I need you to read his mind.

#775

⇓

What he knows, where they're headed next,

#776

⇓

and most importantly, if Soldier Boy is warming up to his sadistic rugrat.

#777

⇓

Okay. I'm in.

#778

⇓

The fuck you are.

#779

⇓

-We're not conspiring against Homelander. -[Bashley] Hey.

#780

⇓

Don't forget the Aung San Suu Kyi quote tramp stamped on our ass.

#781

⇓

"The only real prison is fear."

#782

⇓

-No, the only real prison is prison. -Ashley--

#783

⇓

What do you think happens to you if I die?

#784

⇓

I'm not about to risk my neck

#785

⇓

because I let an overgrown boil do my thinking for me.

#786

⇓

Okay, fine. Just stay.

#787

⇓

Why? So you can play more mind games?

#788

⇓

You gave me your answer. I heard you.

#789

⇓

Now, don't make me drink alone.

#790

⇓

[dramatic music playing]

#791

⇓

[Ashley] I'm starving. Are you starving?

#792

⇓

I'd kill for a chalupa right now.

#793

⇓

[Bashley] I'd kill for a big, juicy dick.

#794

⇓

Hey, we should call Gavin.

#795

⇓

His girth was amazing, and, oh, man, the amount of spunk

#796

⇓

he shot back here, we looked like Pepé Le Pew.

#797

⇓

We are not booty-calling my high school boyfriend.

#798

⇓

[Bashley] But he was so sweet. And Mom loved him, remember?

#799

⇓

Yeah, well, Mom's dead, so she doesn't get a say,

#800

⇓

-and neither do you. -What happened to her?

#801

⇓

Cancer.

#802

⇓

My grandmother, too.

#803

⇓

What was she like? Your mother?

#804

⇓

Tiny. [laughs] And terrifying.

#805

⇓

This one bitch, Harper Hewitt, used to make fun of my nose,

#806

⇓

so my mom tells Mr. Hewitt that Mrs. Hewitt

#807

⇓

has been railing the UPS guy, which she was.

#808

⇓

That was Mom, bringing a nuke to a knife fight.

#809

⇓

So, they moved.

#810

⇓

And the rest of kindergarten was no sweat.

#811

⇓

My folks shot me up with V, thinking I'd be a meal ticket.

#812

⇓

And then, my power turned out to be smarts.

#813

⇓

Which is the worst fucking one.

#814

⇓

Try knowing what everyone really thinks of you all day.

#815

⇓

Ooh, trust me.

#816

⇓

The thing people hate more than just about anything

#817

⇓

is feeling stupid.

#818

⇓

So, when a three-year-old corrects your grammar or, oh, tells them

#819

⇓

their "life dream yogurt shop" is doomed to fail,

#820

⇓

they start to hate you, too.

#821

⇓

Least my parents did.

#822

⇓

So they dumped me at my grandma's.

#823

⇓

But Grandma,

#824

⇓

she was the only one who ever thought it was a gift.

#825

⇓

I would quote Othello to her word for word,

#826

⇓

and-and... [sighs] she'd clap

#827

⇓

and laugh her big laugh.

#828

⇓

I'm still so pissed she is gone.

#829

⇓

I used to want to be like my mom.

#830

⇓

Strong. Pushy as fuck.

#831

⇓

Didn't take shit from anyone.

#832

⇓

You still can.

#833

⇓

If you help me.

#834

⇓

Fuck you.

#835

⇓

You knew about my mom the whole time.

#836

⇓

You drew it out of me just to soften me up.

#837

⇓

-Did it work? -No. This is my fucking problem with you.

#838

⇓

I know you've been working some big plan all year.

#839

⇓

How am I supposed to trust you if I'm just a pawn in your fucked-up chess game?

#840

⇓

All right.

#841

⇓

If I tell you, will you help me?

#842

⇓

I would heavily consider it.

#843

⇓

Helping Homelander take control of the country is phase one.

#844

⇓

It was only ever the beginning. Phase two is the end.

#845

⇓

-The end of what? -The world.

#846

⇓

After this Supe-killing virus is released--

#847

⇓

-Wait, you want it released? -Oh, you bet I do.

#848

⇓

After Supes realize humans are behind it, all hell will break loose.

#849

⇓

Supes butchering humans, virus butchering Supes.

#850

⇓

-Oh, fucking World War Supe. -I don't believe you.

#851

⇓

Swear on my grandma's soul.

#852

⇓

Why would you possibly want that?

#853

⇓

'Cause I'll be watching from my cozy bunker outside Colorado Springs.

#854

⇓

And when it's all over, I can read all day every day,

#855

⇓

no one bothering me.

#856

⇓

Nothing but peace and quiet forever.

#857

⇓

[ominous music playing]

#858

⇓

Which is why Homelander can't survive.

#859

⇓

God, that needy asshole would never give me a moment's rest.

#860

⇓

Yeah, defeats the whole purpose.

#861

⇓

Don't worry. You're invited to my bunker.

#862

⇓

You, too, Ashley.

#863

⇓

[Bashley] Fuck.

#864

⇓

-Would you like some knee pads? -Sorry? What?

#865

⇓

You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.

#866

⇓

So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads.

#867

⇓

[Homelander] Go easy on the little guy.

#868

⇓

-He brought me Stan Edgar. -[Deep] Thank you, sir.

#869

⇓

[Homelander] You may leave.

#870

⇓

[triumphant music playing]

#871

⇓

What crawled up your shithole?

#872

⇓

No idea what you mean.

#873

⇓

When you're pissy,

#874

⇓

you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy, too.

#875

⇓

Stan Edgar still stonewalling you?

#876

⇓

I've talked to him three times now.

#877

⇓

Says he has no idea where the V1 is. Heart rate steady as a rock.

#878

⇓

I'm starting to believe him.

#879

⇓

That slippery fuck used to fetch my cocaine.

#880

⇓

You know what? I have an idea.

#881

⇓

Why don't I take a crack at him?

#882

⇓

What, you don't trust me?

#883

⇓

Well, you did lock me in a room with nuclear material

#884

⇓

and, uh, tried to stop me getting the V1,

#885

⇓

so I'm sure you can understand my hesitance.

#886

⇓

You could've killed me at Fort Harmony, but you didn't.

#887

⇓

-Maybe I feel like I owe you. -Or maybe you're lying.

#888

⇓

Maybe.

#889

⇓

[inhales deeply]

#890

⇓

Give me an hour.

#891

⇓

I'll meet you at Edgar's cell.

#892

⇓

[dramatic music playing]

#893

⇓

[urinating]

#894

⇓

[Soldier Boy] My, my, how the mighty have fucked themselves square in the ass.

#895

⇓

Don't shit where you eat, Stan.

#896

⇓

So, you've called in reinforcements.

#897

⇓

I wanted to see the prick that sold me out to the Reds.

#898

⇓

It wasn't personal. It was a business decision.

#899

⇓

We had your replacement model on the way.

#900

⇓

Even as a toddler, Homelander showed more promise than you ever did.

#901

⇓

Not that it amounted to much.

#902

⇓

When have you ever done anything

#903

⇓

remotely interesting or original?

#904

⇓

My power is absolute, Stan.

#905

⇓

At heights no one's even dreamed of.

#906

⇓

I'd call that pretty fucking original.

#907

⇓

Nothing that the lowest speck

#908

⇓

of this pointless species couldn't have thought of,

#909

⇓

were they to be granted your level of power.

#910

⇓

Why am I still alive?

#911

⇓

Oh, because you're useful, Stan.

#912

⇓

-And I always wanted a pet. -Perhaps.

#913

⇓

Or is it because you are so desperate for daddy figures

#914

⇓

that you can't even bring yourself to kill the ones who hate you.

#915

⇓

At least that's something he and I have in common.

#916

⇓

Do you want to die, Stan?

#917

⇓

[Soldier Boy] Jesus.

#918

⇓

You could get pregnant with all the eye-fucking.

#919

⇓

Tempe, Arizona.

#920

⇓

Is that supposed to mean something?

#921

⇓

Well, I had the eggheads in crime analytics

#922

⇓

track down your granddaughter, Zoe,

#923

⇓

and her dad.

#924

⇓

They're in Tempe, Arizona.

#925

⇓

[tense music playing]

#926

⇓

So...

#927

⇓

where is the V1?

#928

⇓

As I told you, I genuinely don't know.

#929

⇓

But...

#930

⇓

I may know someone who does.

#931

⇓

You should go and see Mister Marathon in L.A.

#932

⇓

He's always had an intense interest in Vought's history.

#933

⇓

It should be a delightful reunion.

#934

⇓

[suspenseful music playing]

#935

⇓

-[♪ Rosemary Clooney sings "Hooray for Hollywood"] -♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪

#936

⇓

♪ That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood ♪

#937

⇓

-[siren wailing in distance] -♪ Go out and try your luck ♪

#938

⇓

♪ You might be Donald Duck ♪

#939

⇓

♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪♪

#940

⇓

[Mister Marathon] Homelander, it is really, uh, really good to see you.

#941

⇓

Um, why-- [stammers] Uh, you know, what-what brings you by?

#942

⇓

-Relax. We're just here to talk. -Yeah, yeah, great, awesome.

#943

⇓

And Soldier Boy, wow. Big fan, sir.

#944

⇓

I actually, uh, popped my cherry in your Underoos.

#945

⇓

Nice.

#946

⇓

So you were part of The Seven?

#947

⇓

Uh, I was, I was. You know, until this one replaced me with A-Train.

#948

⇓

Check it out. Come on.

#949

⇓

Well, you're only the world's fastest man

#950

⇓

as long as you're the world's fastest man, Champ, and you got slow.

#951

⇓

It was one race. You never gave me the chance to win it back, boss.

#952

⇓

[intriguing music playing]

#953

⇓

Hey, check this one out.

#954

⇓

Grossed 35 mil.

#955

⇓

On a $200 million budget.

#956

⇓

-These aren't even Vought films. -What's the difference?

#957

⇓

These were made where washed-up Supes go to die.

#958

⇓

Sony Pictures TV.

#959

⇓

It's a legit studio.

#960

⇓

And I save half on their TVs.

#961

⇓

And maybe we're not part of the official VCU,

#962

⇓

and maybe we can't mention Vought or, you know, any licensed Vought hero,

#963

⇓

but, hey, I'm still making magic.

#964

⇓

That and I, uh, I sling a little bit on the side.

#965

⇓

Blow, pills, Ozempic, whatever you need.

#966

⇓

Fastest dealer in town. [chuckles]

#967

⇓

All right, come on. The gang will be psyched to meet you.

#968

⇓

Did you guys hear? They rounded up Aziz, Macaulay,

#969

⇓

-Joaquin, Kiefer, Meryl. -I also heard they got Benedict.

#970

⇓

-Wong or Cumberbatch? -Both.

#971

⇓

-Fuck! -I know. Dude, what the fuck, Malchemical?

#972

⇓

Get your boys in check, huh?

#973

⇓

Just 'cause I'm a Supe doesn't mean I truck in that fascist shit.

#974

⇓

-We need to do something. -Counterpoint: why?

#975

⇓

[Kumail] 'Cause we're storytellers, dude.

#976

⇓

-[Seth] Yeah. -Our superpower

#977

⇓

is we inspire hearts and minds.

#978

⇓

Look at the characters we create:

#979

⇓

-Luke Skywalker, Katniss, Gandhi. -[Will] Oh, bitch please.

#980

⇓

Come on, like Mark Hamill, J-Law, and Sir Ben Kingsley

#981

⇓

do anything but collect their fucking residuals.

#982

⇓

-They're very engaged. -Look, here's what we do.

#983

⇓

We all post about this simultaneously on Instagram.

#984

⇓

-[Kumail] Yes. -[Seth] Black squares on the main feed.

#985

⇓

-Black Lives Matter did black squares. -[Seth] Fuck. You're right.

#986

⇓

We do blue squares on the grid.

#987

⇓

-'Cause blue lives matter. That's totally different. -I wouldn't post that.

#988

⇓

Is there any color that hasn't been taken by some fucking group?

#989

⇓

-What about white? -Well...

#990

⇓

Oh, ooh, ooh, I'll get Lena Dunham to write an editorial for The Atlantic.

#991

⇓

-Oh, yeah. -[Seth] It's like, that'll really rate. -[Will] She's great.

#992

⇓

-[Seth] That has great readership. -She's a great writer.

#993

⇓

-[Seth] She's a very persuasive-- -Universally beloved.

#994

⇓

Whatever, fuck sticks.

#995

⇓

Look, best day of my life was when they executed Hader.

#996

⇓

Right? More offer-onlys for the Forte.

#997

⇓

Hey, do we think Michael Cera's a Starlighter?

#998

⇓

'Cause we're up for the same part right now,

#999

⇓

and it'd be pretty good if he got vanished.

#1000

⇓

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