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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S16E03 — The Gang Gets Cursed

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 16, Episode 3 — The Gang Gets Cursed

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Gets Cursed

Air date: June 14, 2023

Director: Richie Keen

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The Gang’s going to be on Bar Rescue but a series of bad omens leads them to believe they are all cursed. They set off to undo the curses and make amends to those they’ve wronged, while Mac, who’s on a run of good luck, meets Chase Utley and invites him for a catch.

Source: TMDB

↓

MAC: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

↓

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

↓

"Congratulations, Paddy's Pub.

congratulations paddys

↓

"We are pleased to report that we are interested in featuring

featuring interested pleased report

↓

"your bar on an upcoming episode of our show.

episode upcoming

↓

"We will be sending a producer to do a walk-through soon.

producer sending walk

↓

"Warmly, your friends at...

friends

↓

Bar Rescue!"

rescue

↓

Yes! (chuckles)

chuckles

↓

This is like our dreams come true, right?

dreams

↓

What? To be on a reality TV show?

reality

↓

Yeah. Wh-- How did this happen?

happen

↓

I've been writing them a letter every week

letter week writing

↓

since the show first started.

started

↓

-Well, how long's it been? -Too long.

longs

↓

DEE: I very much do want to be famous,

famous

↓

but I don't know if I want to be on a reality show

reality

↓

where they try and make us look like jerks.

jerks

↓

-Right. -CHARLIE: Right. Oh, right, yeah.

charlie

↓

'Cause, like, what if they, like, edit it

edit

↓

to, like, make me look stupid or something?

stupid

↓

Yeah. This is a definite pass for me. I'm out.

definite pass

↓

This could be huge for us.

huge

↓

What are you guys talking about?

↓

I'm a little disappointed that you didn't tell me earlier

disappointed

↓

because I would have been working out

working

↓

for weeks in preparation.

preparation weeks

↓

I mean, for God's sakes, man.

gods gods-sakes sakes

↓

What if, what if my shirt falls off?

falls shirt

↓

Yeah, yeah. I'm a little off my regimen, too.

regimen

↓

Like, I haven't even been doing any of my...

↓

-workouts. -Ever. He never has. Yeah.

workouts

↓

You guys are missing the bigger picture here.

bigger missing picture

↓

I mean, wh-what are the odds that they would pick our bar?

odds pick

↓

This is a million-to-one shot,

million shot

↓

and I've got a really good feeling about this, guys.

feeling

↓

Things are about to change here at Paddy's Pub

change paddys

↓

because our luck just turned around.

luck turned

↓

♪ ♪

↓

The second I clean it up, you're making more crumbs.

clean crumbs second

↓

-Stop. -There should be more crumbs.

crumbs

↓

We should put crumbs all over the goddamn bar.

crumbs goddamn

↓

Sorry, but, Charlie, why am I seeing so many silverfish?

charlie seeing

↓

I-I don't know where they're coming from, man.

coming

↓

I cannot get rid of them.

cannot

↓

You should not get rid of them.

↓

Don't you guys understand what Bar Rescue is?

rescue

↓

These are the exact kind of things

exact

↓

that John Taffer's gonna come in and hand our asses to us about.

asses hand john

↓

-(sputters) -DENNIS: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

dennis sputters

↓

No, I don't-- I don't want to have my ass handed to me.

handed

↓

I mean, how the bar comes across is

comes

↓

-a reflection of how I come across. Okay? -Yes.

reflection

↓

And I, for one, don't want to be known

known

↓

as a silverfish man. Okay?

↓

I want to look good for the people watching

watching

↓

in their...

↓

(stammering)

stammering

↓

Uh... What's the-the thing?

↓

The-the boxes that-that people live in?

boxes live

↓

You talking about their homes?

homes

↓

Y-- uh, yes, yeah. Their homes.

homes

↓

-(door opens) -Jesus. I couldn't think of that word. That's so weird.

door door-opens jesus opens weird word

↓

Guys, we have a problem.

problem

↓

But whatever you do, don't laugh.

laugh

↓

(laughter)

laughter

↓

-How are we not supposed to laugh at that? -I wouldn't laugh at that.

laugh supposed

↓

This is not funny, all right? It's not a joke.

funny joke

↓

I don't know what's going on with my face,

face

↓

but it's broken or something.

broken

↓

-(laughter) -MAC: It's very funny.

funny laughter

↓

-That's really funny. -(groaning)

funny groaning

↓

-Ah! -My egg's all bloody.

bloody eggs

↓

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

↓

This is bad, dude.

↓

This is the kind of stuff that starts happening

starts stuff

↓

when someone's put a curse on you.

curse someones

↓

-Curse? What are you talking about? -What?

curse

↓

Let's just stop and think for a second, okay?

second

↓

Like, Dee, did you have any run-ins

↓

with anyone who might have put a curse on you?

curse might

↓

I mean, I had a tiny little issue

issue tiny

↓

with a neighbor last night.

neighbor night

↓

-(gunfire on TV) -Yes!

gunfire

↓

-(knocking) -Spewing my hate all over your teenage asses.

asses hate knocking spewing teenage

↓

What? (groans)

groans

↓

Banging the goddamn door down. What?

banging door goddamn

↓

Yeah.

↓

What? Why are you trying to break my door down

break door

↓

at 3:00 in the morning?

morning

↓

I baked you some brownies.

baked brownies

↓

Why you baking me shit?

baking

↓

-Trying to poison me? -(scoffs) No.

poison scoffs

↓

I just wanted to kindly ask if you could keep the noise down.

kindly noise wanted

↓

(chuckles): Oh. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

chuckles

↓

I didn't realize.

realize

↓

-That was really sweet of you... -Oh, yeah.

sweet

↓

-...to bake these for me. -Yeah.

bake

↓

Hey, I have something for you also.

↓

-Oh, it's so nice. What is it? -Yeah.

↓

Well, it's a trophy. See?

trophy

↓

It says "Cunt of the Year."

cunt

↓

That's you.

↓

You are a nasty woman,

nasty woman

↓

and bad things are going to happen to you one day.

happen

↓

I guarantee it.

guarantee

↓

Drop dead.

dead drop drop-dead

↓

Well, ther e you go. It sounded like that lady cursed you.

cursed lady sounded

↓

I don't know. I call old ladies cunts all the time. We all do.

cunts ladies

↓

-Right. -That's true. -No, she brings up a good point.

brings point

↓

-We do. We do. -I called an old lady a cunt this morning.

called cunt lady morning

↓

-See? -Did you? Yeah. -I sure did. I sure did.

↓

-No, I might've done it, too, actually. -Honestly,

mightve

↓

for me this raises an even bigger concern.

bigger concern raises

↓

Okay. What's that?

↓

Dee had no right to give that trophy away.

trophy

↓

-I mean, we worked very, very hard on that. -(Charlie groans)

charlie groans hard worked

↓

We did. It's not easy to make.

easy

↓

-Nobody wanted to do it. -Plus, she earned it, right?

earned nobody nobody-wanted plus wanted

↓

-Yeah, you earned it. -And you earned it.

earned

↓

And you're just gonna give it away? I mean...

↓

Either way, this is all bullshit anyway,

bullshit

↓

because we're not having bad luck, we're having good luck.

having luck

↓

What about my egg?

↓

You know what that might've been?

mightve

↓

Y-You might've gotten cursed when you killed that seabird.

cursed gotten killed mightve seabird

↓

-What seabird? -Oh, I didn't tell you guys about this? Okay.

seabird

↓

So, the other day, uh, Frank's making a banana daiquiri.

banana daiquiri franks

↓

Seagull flies right into the bar.

flies seagull

↓

-Cheers. -Yeah. Here you go.

cheers

↓

-It's tasty. -(squawking)

squawking tasty

↓

-Oh, shit. -What?

↓

A seagull.

seagull

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

(squawking)

squawking

↓

Oh, a little birdie.

birdie

↓

Oh, what a sweet little birdie.

birdie sweet

↓

You want some food? Want some?

food

↓

-(seagull squawking) -Whoa! Shit, Frank!

frank seagull squawking whoa

↓

-Die! -Ah, Frank. Jesus.

frank frank-jesus jesus

↓

Come here, you rat, die!

↓

(grunting)

grunting

↓

Ah! Goddamn!

goddamn

↓

And die, you fucking seagull.

fucking seagull

↓

Bitch. Fucking cunt.

bitch cunt fucking

↓

Well, it's bad luck if a seabird flies into a building.

building flies luck seabird

↓

No, dude. It's bad luck to kill a seabird.

kill luck seabird

↓

Every sailor knows that.

knows sailor

↓

I don't sail.

sail

↓

Charlie, will you stop trying to turn

charlie

↓

our good fortune into bad fortune?

fortune

↓

All this doom and gloom. Nobody is cursed.

cursed nobody

↓

Oh, really, Mac? Because I straight-up heard

heard straight

↓

Cricket curse you yesterday.

cricket curse yesterday

↓

All right. It's time to make good

↓

on your end of the bargain, Mac.

bargain

↓

What are you talking about? I still need proof.

proof

↓

Oh, come on, man. Don't start with that.

start

↓

-We had... -Cricket, what are you doing in here, man?

cricket

↓

That's what I was just saying.

↓

Cricket, what are you doing in here?

cricket

↓

What? What-what-- No, we're-we're talking business.

business

↓

Business? I'm not doing business with you, street trash.

business street trash

↓

What is your deal, man? What-what...

deal

↓

One second you need me, the next I'm a pile of garbage?

garbage pile second

↓

-Is that what this is? -Cricket, beat it, man...

beat cricket

↓

You better beat it, or I'm gonna beat you with my shoe.

beat shoe

↓

-You know what? -Get out of the bar, dude.

↓

You know what? Screw you guys.

screw

↓

Oh. Hey, Mac.

↓

A curse on you.

curse

↓

Vos omnes maledicti mille annis.

↓

I mean, he-he literally cursed you, man.

cursed

↓

Now, guys, come on. We got to take this seriously.

↓

Like, let's look at this. Like, uh, Frank.

frank

↓

Let-Let's do our homework on sailors' curses.

curses homework sailors

↓

Dee, Mac, go make your apologies.

apologies

↓

I will do nothing of the sort.

↓

In fact, I am done listening to this.

fact listening

↓

It's irritating, anti-God,

anti irritating

↓

and most importantly will not make for good Bar Rescue banter.

banter importantly rescue

↓

I am leaving.

leaving

↓

Come on, man!

↓

Charlie, how do you know all this curse...

charlie curse

↓

-Stuff? -Yeah.

stuff

↓

That-- I mean, look, maybe it's real, maybe it's not.

real

↓

But, like, look at it this way.

↓

Like, i-if a black cat crosses your path,

black path

↓

do you spit over your left shoulder?

left shoulder spit

↓

-Uh-uh. -Why would I do that?

↓

-No. -You guys don't do that one?

↓

I don't know what that is.

↓

Well, I mean, like, when you're hopeful

hopeful

↓

for something, though, do you knock on wood?

knock wood

↓

-Oh, that one. No. No. -Nah... No.

↓

I've heard of that one, but I don't do it.

heard

↓

Well, do you make a wish

wish

↓

when you blow out a damn candle? I mean...

blow candle

↓

-Of course we do. -Yes. -Ah, yes, that one I do.

course

↓

-You know what I'm talking about. -Candles, yeah, I like that.

candles

↓

Well, 'cause I want my wishes to come true.

wishes

↓

Okay. And why do you do it?

↓

You do it just in case.

case

↓

Just in case it's real, right?

case real

↓

And "just in case" is as good a reason

case reason

↓

to believe in anything as any.

believe

↓

Hmm.

↓

I got to call a doctor or something.

doctor

↓

Oh, no, you definitely should.

↓

I'm pretty sure you have Bell's palsy.

bells

↓

I, uh, I looked it up.

looked

↓

But first you got to apologize to your neighbor.

apologize neighbor

↓

Yeah. Just in case? Hmm?

case

↓

Just in ca-- No, no.

↓

I don't believe in that bullshit. No.

believe bullshit

↓

She's got the trophy. I want to get the trophy back.

trophy

↓

You had no right to give that to her.

↓

I swear to God, if she doesn't have that thing,

swear

↓

-I'm gonna paralyze the other side of your face. -Oh, okay.

face side

↓

'Cause I want it. Come on, that's-that's crazy.

crazy

↓

You-you have to be nominated for that.

nominated

↓

(sighs)

sighs

↓

Hello, um, you don't know me,

↓

but I'm the brother of this horrible woman,

brother horrible horrible-woman woman

↓

and she just wanted to come by and tell you

wanted

↓

that she's very...

↓

Uh, she-she feels-- She, uh... (sighs)

feels sighs

↓

Oh, what's the word?

word

↓

(stammers) To make better the feelings?

feelings stammers

↓

-"Sorry"? -Sorry. Yes. Goddamn.

goddamn

↓

Um... I don't know what that-- Yeah.

↓

-Yeah. -Um, and also, she, um...

↓

(sighs) She gave you something, uh, a trophy,

sighs trophy

↓

and-and it was not hers to give.

↓

Do-do you perhaps still have that?

perhaps

↓

-Yeah, I have it. I'll get it. -Yeah? Okay, great.

↓

You know what? I got to look up some clinics,

clinics

↓

'cause I really need a doctor to fix my face

doctor face

↓

before we're on TV.

↓

-Uh-oh. -Hmm?

↓

-Whoa. Did-did you see that? -What?

whoa

↓

See what?

↓

Uh, a black cat just ran out of her apartment.

apartment black

↓

-It just... -I didn't see a cat.

↓

You kidding me? It ran right past us.

kidding past

↓

Well, that's not good.

↓

-A black cat? -Yeah.

black

↓

Well, shit. What'd Charlie say we were supposed to do

charlie supposed whatd

↓

if we saw it? That's a bad omen.

↓

Oh. (spits)

spits

↓

-Oh! -(groaning)

groaning

↓

Uh-oh. I got you, didn't I? Sorry about that.

↓

-Yes, you did. -Yeah.

↓

Boy, that's a shame.

shame

↓

-Thank you for this, though. -Yeah.

↓

Um, listen, um... Do you have a cat?

↓

'Cause I think I just saw one run out of your apartment.

apartment

↓

-A cat? -Yeah, yeah. A little black cat?

black

↓

I had a little black cat. Her name was Maureen.

black maureen name

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

But she's been dead for years.

dead years

↓

Huh. That's crazy.

crazy

↓

I was, I was murdered to a woman named Maureen.

maureen murdered named woman woman-named

↓

-Huh? -Huh?

↓

No, I meant married. I'm sorry.

married meant

↓

I was married to a woman named Maureen.

married maureen named woman woman-named

↓

I-I...

↓

That's so weird. I swear I saw a cat.

swear weird

↓

You know what? This place is full of cats.

cats full place

↓

Can we get out of here, please?

↓

-Yeah, go. Go. -Okay.

↓

And please keep the noise down at night.

night noise

↓

Yeah. Okay, you got it, cunt.

cunt

↓

Are you sure about this, Cricket?

cricket

↓

Yeah, I'm sure about it, man.

↓

I've been greasing the doormen of this building for years.

building years

↓

Chase Utley's back in town.

chase town

↓

He's coming out of his apartment any second now.

apartment coming second

↓

Is it good intel? 'Cause I only got one good shot at this.

intel shot

↓

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. What do I know?

↓

I'm just a street rat, right?

street

↓

I'm just trash. That's what you said.

trash

↓

-Okay, Cricks, I'll tell you... -You've got nothing for me.

cricks

↓

I knew you were gonna be a little bit of

↓

a bitch about this, so I did something nice.

bitch

↓

-I got you a sixer. -You got that for me?

↓

Yeah, I got a gift for you, buddy.

buddy gift

↓

(laughs) There's only four in here.

four laughs

↓

I drank two of 'em, of course.

course drank

↓

Okay. All right. Well, thank you. (clears throat)

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Oh, I'm gonna buy a six-pack and not drink two?

drink pack

↓

Well, yeah. That's kind of the kind thing to...

↓

(stammers) But I-- Look, um, thank you for the four.

four stammers

↓

If I'm being honest, I drank four.

drank four honest

↓

Two of those are piss.

piss

↓

Because I was stuck in the van, and you were out...

stuck

↓

You know what, I don't even care, frankly.

care frankly

↓

-I'm just glad to have a beverage. -Yeah. All right.

beverage glad

↓

(clears throat) All right, um...

clears clears-throat throat

↓

-(sighs) -Dominus espritu sanctum, okay?

sighs

↓

-You're off. -What was that?

↓

I was, uh, I was lifting the curse that I put on you.

curse lifting

↓

Oh. Yeah, no, I don't believe in curses.

believe curses

↓

Yeah, that's anti-God,

anti

↓

and God is the reason that all things happen.

happen reason

↓

And speaking of things that happened,

happened speaking

↓

I got to show you something, Cricks,

cricks

↓

but you got to keep it a secret.

secret

↓

Something wrong with your dick?

dick

↓

-What? -Okay, I was waiting for this.

waiting

↓

If it's your dick, though, I-I got to charge you for it.

charge dick

↓

I'm gonna tell you right now.

↓

No. It's not my dick, Cricket.

cricket dick

↓

Well, if-if you're gonna whip it out, uh,

whip

↓

we're on the clock. All right?

clock

↓

-I'm not whipping anything out! -There's a tiered system...

system

↓

Look. This.

↓

What? What is that?

↓

It's a monkey paw, and I think it's good luck,

luck monkey

↓

like a rabbit's foot or something like that,

foot rabbits

↓

'cause ever since I found it,

found

↓

nothing but good things have happened.

happened

↓

Uh, sorry, I thought God was the reason

reason

↓

that anything good happens, et cetera.

cetera happens

↓

Well, no. God decides who the good things happen to

decides happen

↓

and then who he smites.

↓

-You're not following. -I-I can't follow it.

follow following

↓

-Cricket, I'm... -It makes literally no sense.

cricket makes sense

↓

-You got to pick a lane. -I don't even know why I even...

lane pick

↓

-CRICKET: Let's get this open. I'm feeling curious. -Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

cricket curious feeling open

↓

Wait, that's-- there he is, there he is. Okay.

↓

Let's go.

↓

-(car horns honk, tires screech) -Mr. Utley?

honk horns screech tires tires-screech utley

↓

Mr. Utley?

utley

↓

Mr. Utley, a moment of your time, sir.

moment utley

↓

Mr. Utley?

utley

↓

Mr. Utley, hello?

utley

↓

Hello. Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Utley.

utley

↓

Hey, uh, would you like an autograph?

autograph

↓

Oh, no. That's a cl-- a classic, Mr. Utley.

classic utley

↓

-I-It's me, Mac. -I don't know a Mac.

↓

I wrote you a letter every week for the last ten years.

letter week wrote years

↓

Did you not receive my letters? There was a video.

letters receive video

↓

A video in response. Wait.

response video

↓

"Dear Mac, I feel like I can call you Mac

dear

↓

"because you called me Chase.

called chase

↓

"Thank you for the compliment on my hair.

compliment hair

↓

"It's my fourth favorite thing after baseball,

baseball favorite fourth

↓

"running fast and my dad.

fast running

↓

"I'm sorry your dad doesn't like you.

↓

"Maybe you could become a better son.

become

↓

"Meeting you and having a game of catch

catch game having meeting

↓

"sounds like a lot of fun, but like I said,

fun sounds

↓

"I'm really busy playing a lot of baseball for the Phillies.

baseball busy phillies playing

↓

"I hope you have a good life.

hope life

↓

"Fans like you make my life a 'grand slam.'

fans grand life slam

↓

Your good friend, Chase."

chase friend

↓

-Wait, you're that Mac? -Yes.

↓

I thought Mac was a little kid.

↓

Yes, there's a child. A child...

child

↓

A child born unto me. Little Mac.

born child unto

↓

-What? -He's Little Mac, I'm Big Mac,

↓

and you shall have a catch with him.

catch

↓

Your hair, it's throwing me.

hair throwing

↓

It's making me very nervous. (exhales)

exhales nervous

↓

On the Dodgers, yes, you were the Silver Fox.

silver

↓

Philadelphia, you were just the Fox.

philadelphia

↓

I don't know, man. I'm pretty busy.

busy

↓

Yes, we're all, we're all busy, but the boy is sick.

busy sick

↓

He's very sick. He's, he's dying.

dying sick

↓

He's got leukemia and you shall have a catch with him.

catch leukemia

↓

-Where's my car? -I'll tweet that you didn't.

tweet

↓

I'm sorry. I threatened you.

threatened

↓

Now I'm upset and so are you.

upset

↓

(exhales)

exhales

↓

A catch, we shall have? Later today.

catch today

↓

Okay. Maybe, but for, like, five minutes tops.

five five-minutes minutes tops

↓

-Yes. Yes, yes. -I'm really busy.

busy

↓

-(knocks on window) -CHARLIE: Mom?

charlie knocks window

↓

Hey, can we pick your brain about something?

brain pick

↓

Oh, Charlie, I didn't think you could make it.

charlie

↓

-Come on in. -Yeah, shit, I forgot it's Uncle Jack's birthday.

birthday forgot jacks jacks-birthday uncle

↓

Come on in, Charlie. You can sit next to me.

charlie

↓

Nah, I'm good. Uh, we'll come back later or something.

↓

No, no, no, no, Charlie. I want a piece of cake.

cake charlie piece

↓

-Come on. -Oh, do you? Oh, shit.

↓

Okay, all right, all right.

↓

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack ♪

birthday birthday-dear dear happy happy-birthday happy-birthday-dear jack

↓

-♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪ -Can we switch seats?

birthday happy happy-birthday seats switch switch-seats

↓

-(laughter) -Okay, make a wish.

laughter wish

↓

Oh, right, right, right. Okay, you and I hold hands.

hands

↓

-Nope. -Okay, ready?

nope ready

↓

-(exhales sharply) -All right.

exhales exhales-sharply sharply

↓

-Oh! -Good. All right. Very good, very good.

↓

Hey, you want to know my wish, Charlie?

charlie wish

↓

-Sure don't, pal. -Ooh, don't tell him your wish,

wish

↓

-it won't come true. -Yeah, there you go.

↓

-Exactly. -I made a wish, too.

wish

↓

How about you and me go on upstairs with some cake, Bon?

cake upstairs

↓

Hey, Frank, you don't get a wish, okay?

frank wish

↓

-That's not how birthday candles work. -(both laugh)

birthday candles laugh

↓

-Says who? -Uh, look, that's not why we're here!

↓

Mom, Frank killed a seagull.

frank killed seagull

↓

(screams)

screams

↓

(groans)

groans

↓

Hey, that's not good, Frank.

frank

↓

Yeah, we know it's not good, Uncle Jack. Okay?

jack uncle uncle-jack

↓

That's why-- that's why we came here, all right?

↓

Mom, now is that the kind of thing that could put, like,

↓

-a curse on Frank? -Yes.

curse frank

↓

They say that a sailor's spirit lives on in the gulls,

gulls lives sailors spirit

↓

and if you kill a gull, the sailor

gull kill sailor

↓

can haunt you for the rest of its life.

haunt life rest

↓

-No shit? -Yeah, well, is there anything we can do,

↓

-or, like... -Well, you could slit Frank's throat

franks slit throat

↓

with a horn of a goat and drink a bowl of his blood.

blood bowl drink goat horn

↓

What?

↓

Well, uh, okay, yeah, maybe not, maybe not that.

↓

Is, like, there anything else, or...

↓

Ooh!

↓

He could behead the gull and wear its skull

gull skull wear

↓

around his neck for the rest of his life.

life neck rest

↓

Mom, that's not gonna work, 'cause we don't have

↓

-the gull anymore. -Yeah, we do.

anymore gull

↓

It's at the bar.

↓

-What? It is? -Mm, yeah.

↓

I kicked it under one of the booths

kicked

↓

so I didn't have to clean it up.

clean

↓

(stammers)

stammers

↓

Okay, so you're telling me that you want to wear

telling wear

↓

a seagull skull around your neck for the rest of your life?

life neck rest seagull skull

↓

I don't know. Could be cool.

cool

↓

No, we're not doing that. That's crazy.

crazy

↓

Mom, anything else?

↓

You could give the seagull

seagull

↓

a proper burial.

burial proper

↓

What? Well, yeah, that one, Mom. That one.

↓

Why didn't you lead off with that one in the first place?

lead place

↓

Well, sometimes you're at sea, Charlie,

charlie sometimes

↓

and you wouldn't have that option.

option

↓

Do I look like I'm at sea, Mom?

↓

-I don't know. -You don't know if I'm at sea?

↓

-(shushing) -You don't, uh-- Uncle Jack, stop.

jack shushing uncle uncle-jack

↓

Stop putting your hand on me.

hand putting

↓

(exhales) Looking for this.

exhales looking

↓

What is it?

↓

Maureen Ponderosa.

maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

-Well, why do you have that? -Well, I wanted to keep it

wanted

↓

as a-a-a...

↓

Oh, a trophy? From the murder.

murder trophy

↓

No, not a-- What? No, not a trophy.

trophy

↓

I-- As-- I wanted...

wanted

↓

Like a souvenir, f-from your victim.

souvenir victim

↓

Not a souvenir, no. It's-it's, a...

souvenir

↓

It's a-- I wanted to keep it as a w-way to spite her.

spite wanted

↓

Which one? Which one's it under?

ones

↓

-Uh, by the jukebox. Over here. -Oh-- ah!

jukebox

↓

-Over here. -I see it, yeah. Let me get a trash bag.

trash

↓

-Eh. -(groans)

groans

↓

-What the hell is that? -That's the gull Frank killed.

frank gull killed

↓

-(groans) All right. -What's that?

groans

↓

Oh, that's his dead wife.

dead wife

↓

-Yeah. -Looks like a trophy.

trophy

↓

No, it's not a-a trophy, okay? (stammers)

stammers trophy

↓

The crazy bitch had it in her will that she wanted

bitch crazy crazy-bitch wanted

↓

to be buried in a pet cemetery, and I refused.

buried cemetery refused

↓

Wait a second.

second

↓

You refused your wife's dying wishes

dying refused wifes wishes

↓

to be buried in a pet cemetery? Why would you do that?

buried cemetery

↓

Because she's not a cat.

↓

Yeah, but, dude, like, that's-that's the exact

exact

↓

kind of thing that could lead to a curse.

curse lead

↓

That... I know.

↓

-I-- Yes. Okay, I get that now. -(door opens)

door door-opens opens

↓

-This is bullshit, Cricket. -I don't know what you're so upset about.

bullshit cricket upset

↓

Y-You said get a kid.

↓

I mean, his name on the street is literally "Kid."

name street

↓

-That's what he goes by. -He is a grown man.

grown

↓

I can be whatever you want me to be, champ.

champ

↓

-I'll make your dreams come true. -Oh, he can.

dreams

↓

-Would you make it-- Do a, do a turn. Do a spin. -Oh.

spin

↓

There you go. Make it sexy. Let's go.

sexy

↓

-(exhales) -Yeah.

exhales

↓

Uh, move the bangs, put the bangs.

bangs

↓

Show them your face, show them your face.

face

↓

-Yeah. Huh? -Hey.

↓

-Get him out of here. -All right, yeah. You're gone.

gone

↓

-Uh, here. Go. -Oh, yeah...

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Drugs? Mm.

drugs

↓

-No eyes. -(grunts)

eyes grunts

↓

Okay.

↓

It's all about respect.

respect

↓

Mac, what the hell is this?

↓

Um, I believe that Cricket is now a pimp,

believe cricket pimp

↓

and that was his boy slut.

slut

↓

Uh, t-that's oversimplifying it.

↓

But, uh, that's-that's it in a nutshell.

↓

No, we got that. He got, yeah, he means like...

↓

Yes. I-I mean, what are you doing with Cricket?

cricket

↓

No, he's got a monkey paw. (chuckles)

chuckles monkey

↓

Ugh, come on, Cricket. That's a secret.

cricket secret

↓

Oh, I can't keep secret-- Honestly, I'm so high,

secret

↓

I'm thinking about it, and I'm gonna go

thinking

↓

with him in the bathroom and finish up the-- Yeah.

bathroom finish

↓

CHARLIE: Mac, what's going on

charlie

↓

with the monkey paw? What is this?

monkey

↓

You know how I've been chasing Chase Utley

chase chase-utley chasing utley

↓

for years to have a catch?

catch years

↓

Well, I finally got to him and we were supposed

finally supposed

↓

to have a catch tomorrow with my "dying son."

catch dying tomorrow

↓

Cricket was gonna help me find one,

cricket

↓

-but he brought back a junkie. -Wait, wait, wait.

brought junkie

↓

You actually met Chase Utley? How'd you do that?

chase chase-utley howd utley

↓

Well, ever since I found this monkey's paw,

found monkeys

↓

my luck has totally turned around.

luck turned

↓

Well, actually, it wasn't just a paw.

↓

It was a whole monkey behind the kegs, and he was dead.

behind dead kegs monkey whole

↓

He had this cash in his hand, and when I went

cash hand

↓

to grab the cash, the whole hand just, like, kind of popped out,

cash grab hand popped whole

↓

and I've been carrying it around ever since.

carrying

↓

(laughs): Monkey in the bar, right? Totally random.

laughs monkey random

↓

Wha-- that-that's not random at all.

random

↓

That's probably the monkey that worked here,

monkey worked

↓

-robbed us and fucked our faces. -FRANK: He got stuck behind the keg.

behind faces frank fucked robbed stuck

↓

-It's behind the kegs? -MAC: Well, actually,

behind kegs

↓

I found him by the office, but I kicked him behind the kegs

behind found kegs kicked office

↓

because I didn't feel like cleaning him up.

cleaning

↓

-Oh! -Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

-(all groaning) -Well, he is decomposing

groaning

↓

and there's also a shit-ton of mold back there.

mold

↓

-Shit, now I smell it. -I don't know how I missed that.

missed smell

↓

CHARLIE: Okay, okay.

charlie

↓

I got a new fix, all right? I got a new fix for everything.

↓

We're gonna take, uh, your wife,

wife

↓

the gull and what's left of the monkey,

gull left monkey

↓

and we're gonna bury them all in a pet cemetery.

bury cemetery

↓

And Mac, you are gonna have a catch with Chase Utley,

catch chase chase-utley utley

↓

but not with your dying son.

dying

↓

-Why not? -'Cause he's already dead.

dead

↓

(bagpipes playing)

playing

↓

CHASE: I'm confused.

chase confused

↓

This is your son?

↓

Oh, yes, Mr. Utley.

utley

↓

I didn't have the heart to tell you earlier.

heart

↓

He was only ten years old when he died. He's dead now.

dead died years

↓

Why is he buried at a pet cemetery?

buried cemetery

↓

Dogs. He loved dogs.

dogs loved

↓

Okay, man. What is this?

↓

What's going on?

↓

(sighs)

sighs

↓

I'm sorry, I...

↓

(sighs) Look, I know you're gonna think that this is crazy,

crazy sighs

↓

but I-I found this monkey paw,

found monkey

↓

and it's brought me really good luck.

brought luck

↓

And I know that you don't think superstitions are real,

real superstitions

↓

and that this is all ridiculous...

ridiculous

↓

Not real? Of course they're real.

course real

↓

-What, really? -Yeah.

↓

How do you think baseball players get out of their slumps?

baseball players

↓

With superstitions.

superstitions

↓

'Cause what they believe influences their actions.

actions believe

↓

But actions do have consequences.

actions consequences

↓

Like lying, Mac.

lying

↓

Why don't you hand over that monkey paw?

hand monkey

↓

You're right.

↓

You're right, actions do have consequences, and I...

actions consequences

↓

I'm really sorry, man, I think...

↓

Hall of Fame, baby, here I come!

baby fame hall

↓

What the hell was that all about?

↓

I think Chase Utley just stole my monkey paw.

chase chase-utley monkey stole utley

↓

Oh. Well, then, maybe the curse has been lifted.

curse lifted

↓

-Oh. Right, yeah. -Uh, hey, guys? Um...

↓

-Hmm? -Check this out.

check

↓

Okay, so, apparently, um...

apparently

↓

temporary facial paralysis and brain fog

brain facial paralysis temporary

↓

are all symptoms of exposure to high levels of mold.

exposure levels mold symptoms

↓

-Huh? -Oh...

↓

You know what? That might also explain the silverfish.

explain might

↓

Yeah, no, it does. Actually, it does.

↓

They eat mold.

mold

↓

-Huh? -And what about my egg?

↓

Well, is it possible, Frank,

frank possible

↓

that that egg was a seagull egg?

seagull

↓

(tongue clicks)

clicks tongue

↓

-Oh... -That might've been, because, you know what,

mightve

↓

-we found some eggs... -And we...

eggs found

↓

-And you might've mixed them up. -I might've swapped--

mightve mixed swapped

↓

-mixed them up. -Yeah, 'cause we had store eggs

eggs mixed store

↓

-and we had found eggs. -You did a flip-flop.

eggs flip flip-flop flop found

↓

-You did a flip-flop. -Yeah, there you go.

flip flip-flop flop

↓

So, the-- so, there's no curse.

curse

↓

Oh, no. Hold on a second.

second

↓

"Dear Mr. McDonald, we regret to inform you

dear inform mcdonald regret

↓

that we came by your bar and there was nobody there."

nobody

↓

-Huh? -"After several failed attempts

attempts failed several

↓

"to reach you, we have decided to rescind our offer.

decided offer reach

↓

We wish you the best of luck. Your friends at Bar Rescue."

best friends luck rescue wish

↓

Damn it. If I had that monkey paw,

monkey

↓

none of this would've happened.

happened wouldve wouldve-happened

↓

Yeah, so that means we are still cursed.

cursed

↓

-Oh, no. -Shit. -It doesn't!

↓

We're not-- There is no curse.

curse

↓

Okay? Mac, no, you were never lucky.

lucky

↓

Okay? You just bombarded them both with mail.

mail

↓

And you stalked Chase Utley for years.

chase chase-utley utley years

↓

We're not unlucky, okay? We're just the type of...

type unlucky

↓

We're just the type of people to bury various animals

animals bury type various

↓

and-and wives in a pet cemetery

cemetery wives

↓

when we know we should be at work.

↓

-Oh, yeah. -Let's go back to the bar.

↓

-(soft laughter) -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

laughter soft whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Uh, what about me? What about my luck?

luck

↓

I don't know, Cricks, I guess... there's no real explanation

cricks explanation real

↓

as to why bad things would happen to you.

happen

↓

-Yeah. -Maybe it's just one of those things, Cricket.

cricket

↓

-That's life. That's life, sometimes. -Yeah, man.

life sometimes

↓

-It is what it is. -You got a dark cloud

cloud dark

↓

-following you around. -CHARLIE: It is what it is.

charlie following

↓

-FRANK: That's all there is to it. -MAC: It is what it is.

frank

↓

-CHARLIE: It is what it is. -DENNIS: Nice day.

charlie dennis

↓

(trio chanting backwards)

backwards chanting chanting-backwards trio trio-chanting trio-chanting-backwards

↓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

access access-group access-wgbh captioned group media media-access media-access-group wgbh