Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S16E03 — The Gang Gets Cursed

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 16, Episode 3 — The Gang Gets Cursed

MAC: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

#1

⇓

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

#2

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"Congratulations, Paddy's Pub.

#3

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"We are pleased to report that we are interested in featuring

#4

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"your bar on an upcoming episode of our show.

#5

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"We will be sending a producer to do a walk-through soon.

#6

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"Warmly, your friends at...

#7

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Bar Rescue!"

#8

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Yes! (chuckles)

#9

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This is like our dreams come true, right?

#10

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What? To be on a reality TV show?

#11

⇓

Yeah. Wh-- How did this happen?

#12

⇓

I've been writing them a letter every week

#13

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since the show first started.

#14

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-Well, how long's it been? -Too long.

#15

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DEE: I very much do want to be famous,

#16

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but I don't know if I want to be on a reality show

#17

⇓

where they try and make us look like jerks.

#18

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-Right. -CHARLIE: Right. Oh, right, yeah.

#19

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'Cause, like, what if they, like, edit it

#20

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to, like, make me look stupid or something?

#21

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Yeah. This is a definite pass for me. I'm out.

#22

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This could be huge for us.

#23

⇓

What are you guys talking about?

#24

⇓

I'm a little disappointed that you didn't tell me earlier

#25

⇓

because I would have been working out

#26

⇓

for weeks in preparation.

#27

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I mean, for God's sakes, man.

#28

⇓

What if, what if my shirt falls off?

#29

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Yeah, yeah. I'm a little off my regimen, too.

#30

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Like, I haven't even been doing any of my...

#31

⇓

-workouts. -Ever. He never has. Yeah.

#32

⇓

You guys are missing the bigger picture here.

#33

⇓

I mean, wh-what are the odds that they would pick our bar?

#34

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This is a million-to-one shot,

#35

⇓

and I've got a really good feeling about this, guys.

#36

⇓

Things are about to change here at Paddy's Pub

#37

⇓

because our luck just turned around.

#38

⇓

♪ ♪

#39

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The second I clean it up, you're making more crumbs.

#40

⇓

-Stop. -There should be more crumbs.

#41

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We should put crumbs all over the goddamn bar.

#42

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Sorry, but, Charlie, why am I seeing so many silverfish?

#43

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I-I don't know where they're coming from, man.

#44

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I cannot get rid of them.

#45

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You should not get rid of them.

#46

⇓

Don't you guys understand what Bar Rescue is?

#47

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These are the exact kind of things

#48

⇓

that John Taffer's gonna come in and hand our asses to us about.

#49

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-(sputters) -DENNIS: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#50

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No, I don't-- I don't want to have my ass handed to me.

#51

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I mean, how the bar comes across is

#52

⇓

-a reflection of how I come across. Okay? -Yes.

#53

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And I, for one, don't want to be known

#54

⇓

as a silverfish man. Okay?

#55

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I want to look good for the people watching

#56

⇓

in their...

#57

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(stammering)

#58

⇓

Uh... What's the-the thing?

#59

⇓

The-the boxes that-that people live in?

#60

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You talking about their homes?

#61

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Y-- uh, yes, yeah. Their homes.

#62

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-(door opens) -Jesus. I couldn't think of that word. That's so weird.

#63

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Guys, we have a problem.

#64

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But whatever you do, don't laugh.

#65

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(laughter)

#66

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-How are we not supposed to laugh at that? -I wouldn't laugh at that.

#67

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This is not funny, all right? It's not a joke.

#68

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I don't know what's going on with my face,

#69

⇓

but it's broken or something.

#70

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-(laughter) -MAC: It's very funny.

#71

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-That's really funny. -(groaning)

#72

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-Ah! -My egg's all bloody.

#73

⇓

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

#74

⇓

This is bad, dude.

#75

⇓

This is the kind of stuff that starts happening

#76

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when someone's put a curse on you.

#77

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-Curse? What are you talking about? -What?

#78

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Let's just stop and think for a second, okay?

#79

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Like, Dee, did you have any run-ins

#80

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with anyone who might have put a curse on you?

#81

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I mean, I had a tiny little issue

#82

⇓

with a neighbor last night.

#83

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-(gunfire on TV) -Yes!

#84

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-(knocking) -Spewing my hate all over your teenage asses.

#85

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What? (groans)

#86

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Banging the goddamn door down. What?

#87

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Yeah.

#88

⇓

What? Why are you trying to break my door down

#89

⇓

at 3:00 in the morning?

#90

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I baked you some brownies.

#91

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Why you baking me shit?

#92

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-Trying to poison me? -(scoffs) No.

#93

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I just wanted to kindly ask if you could keep the noise down.

#94

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(chuckles): Oh. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

#95

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I didn't realize.

#96

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-That was really sweet of you... -Oh, yeah.

#97

⇓

-...to bake these for me. -Yeah.

#98

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Hey, I have something for you also.

#99

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-Oh, it's so nice. What is it? -Yeah.

#100

⇓

Well, it's a trophy. See?

#101

⇓

It says "Cunt of the Year."

#102

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That's you.

#103

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You are a nasty woman,

#104

⇓

and bad things are going to happen to you one day.

#105

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I guarantee it.

#106

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Drop dead.

#107

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Well, ther e you go. It sounded like that lady cursed you.

#108

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I don't know. I call old ladies cunts all the time. We all do.

#109

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-Right. -That's true. -No, she brings up a good point.

#110

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-We do. We do. -I called an old lady a cunt this morning.

#111

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-See? -Did you? Yeah. -I sure did. I sure did.

#112

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-No, I might've done it, too, actually. -Honestly,

#113

⇓

for me this raises an even bigger concern.

#114

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Okay. What's that?

#115

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Dee had no right to give that trophy away.

#116

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-I mean, we worked very, very hard on that. -(Charlie groans)

#117

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We did. It's not easy to make.

#118

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-Nobody wanted to do it. -Plus, she earned it, right?

#119

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-Yeah, you earned it. -And you earned it.

#120

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And you're just gonna give it away? I mean...

#121

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Either way, this is all bullshit anyway,

#122

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because we're not having bad luck, we're having good luck.

#123

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What about my egg?

#124

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You know what that might've been?

#125

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Y-You might've gotten cursed when you killed that seabird.

#126

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-What seabird? -Oh, I didn't tell you guys about this? Okay.

#127

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So, the other day, uh, Frank's making a banana daiquiri.

#128

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Seagull flies right into the bar.

#129

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-Cheers. -Yeah. Here you go.

#130

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-It's tasty. -(squawking)

#131

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-Oh, shit. -What?

#132

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A seagull.

#133

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Whoa.

#134

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(squawking)

#135

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Oh, a little birdie.

#136

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Oh, what a sweet little birdie.

#137

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You want some food? Want some?

#138

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-(seagull squawking) -Whoa! Shit, Frank!

#139

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-Die! -Ah, Frank. Jesus.

#140

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Come here, you rat, die!

#141

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(grunting)

#142

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Ah! Goddamn!

#143

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And die, you fucking seagull.

#144

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Bitch. Fucking cunt.

#145

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Well, it's bad luck if a seabird flies into a building.

#146

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No, dude. It's bad luck to kill a seabird.

#147

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Every sailor knows that.

#148

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I don't sail.

#149

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Charlie, will you stop trying to turn

#150

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our good fortune into bad fortune?

#151

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All this doom and gloom. Nobody is cursed.

#152

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Oh, really, Mac? Because I straight-up heard

#153

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Cricket curse you yesterday.

#154

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All right. It's time to make good

#155

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on your end of the bargain, Mac.

#156

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What are you talking about? I still need proof.

#157

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Oh, come on, man. Don't start with that.

#158

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-We had... -Cricket, what are you doing in here, man?

#159

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That's what I was just saying.

#160

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Cricket, what are you doing in here?

#161

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What? What-what-- No, we're-we're talking business.

#162

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Business? I'm not doing business with you, street trash.

#163

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What is your deal, man? What-what...

#164

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One second you need me, the next I'm a pile of garbage?

#165

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-Is that what this is? -Cricket, beat it, man...

#166

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You better beat it, or I'm gonna beat you with my shoe.

#167

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-You know what? -Get out of the bar, dude.

#168

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You know what? Screw you guys.

#169

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Oh. Hey, Mac.

#170

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A curse on you.

#171

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Vos omnes maledicti mille annis.

#172

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I mean, he-he literally cursed you, man.

#173

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Now, guys, come on. We got to take this seriously.

#174

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Like, let's look at this. Like, uh, Frank.

#175

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Let-Let's do our homework on sailors' curses.

#176

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Dee, Mac, go make your apologies.

#177

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I will do nothing of the sort.

#178

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In fact, I am done listening to this.

#179

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It's irritating, anti-God,

#180

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and most importantly will not make for good Bar Rescue banter.

#181

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I am leaving.

#182

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Come on, man!

#183

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Charlie, how do you know all this curse...

#184

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-Stuff? -Yeah.

#185

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That-- I mean, look, maybe it's real, maybe it's not.

#186

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But, like, look at it this way.

#187

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Like, i-if a black cat crosses your path,

#188

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do you spit over your left shoulder?

#189

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-Uh-uh. -Why would I do that?

#190

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-No. -You guys don't do that one?

#191

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I don't know what that is.

#192

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Well, I mean, like, when you're hopeful

#193

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for something, though, do you knock on wood?

#194

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-Oh, that one. No. No. -Nah... No.

#195

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I've heard of that one, but I don't do it.

#196

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Well, do you make a wish

#197

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when you blow out a damn candle? I mean...

#198

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-Of course we do. -Yes. -Ah, yes, that one I do.

#199

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-You know what I'm talking about. -Candles, yeah, I like that.

#200

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Well, 'cause I want my wishes to come true.

#201

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Okay. And why do you do it?

#202

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You do it just in case.

#203

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Just in case it's real, right?

#204

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And "just in case" is as good a reason

#205

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to believe in anything as any.

#206

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Hmm.

#207

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I got to call a doctor or something.

#208

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Oh, no, you definitely should.

#209

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I'm pretty sure you have Bell's palsy.

#210

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I, uh, I looked it up.

#211

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But first you got to apologize to your neighbor.

#212

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Yeah. Just in case? Hmm?

#213

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Just in ca-- No, no.

#214

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I don't believe in that bullshit. No.

#215

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She's got the trophy. I want to get the trophy back.

#216

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You had no right to give that to her.

#217

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I swear to God, if she doesn't have that thing,

#218

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-I'm gonna paralyze the other side of your face. -Oh, okay.

#219

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'Cause I want it. Come on, that's-that's crazy.

#220

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You-you have to be nominated for that.

#221

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(sighs)

#222

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Hello, um, you don't know me,

#223

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but I'm the brother of this horrible woman,

#224

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and she just wanted to come by and tell you

#225

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that she's very...

#226

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Uh, she-she feels-- She, uh... (sighs)

#227

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Oh, what's the word?

#228

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(stammers) To make better the feelings?

#229

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-"Sorry"? -Sorry. Yes. Goddamn.

#230

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Um... I don't know what that-- Yeah.

#231

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-Yeah. -Um, and also, she, um...

#232

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(sighs) She gave you something, uh, a trophy,

#233

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and-and it was not hers to give.

#234

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Do-do you perhaps still have that?

#235

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-Yeah, I have it. I'll get it. -Yeah? Okay, great.

#236

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You know what? I got to look up some clinics,

#237

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'cause I really need a doctor to fix my face

#238

⇓

before we're on TV.

#239

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-Uh-oh. -Hmm?

#240

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-Whoa. Did-did you see that? -What?

#241

⇓

See what?

#242

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Uh, a black cat just ran out of her apartment.

#243

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-It just... -I didn't see a cat.

#244

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You kidding me? It ran right past us.

#245

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Well, that's not good.

#246

⇓

-A black cat? -Yeah.

#247

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Well, shit. What'd Charlie say we were supposed to do

#248

⇓

if we saw it? That's a bad omen.

#249

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Oh. (spits)

#250

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-Oh! -(groaning)

#251

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Uh-oh. I got you, didn't I? Sorry about that.

#252

⇓

-Yes, you did. -Yeah.

#253

⇓

Boy, that's a shame.

#254

⇓

-Thank you for this, though. -Yeah.

#255

⇓

Um, listen, um... Do you have a cat?

#256

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'Cause I think I just saw one run out of your apartment.

#257

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-A cat? -Yeah, yeah. A little black cat?

#258

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I had a little black cat. Her name was Maureen.

#259

⇓

Whoa.

#260

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But she's been dead for years.

#261

⇓

Huh. That's crazy.

#262

⇓

I was, I was murdered to a woman named Maureen.

#263

⇓

-Huh? -Huh?

#264

⇓

No, I meant married. I'm sorry.

#265

⇓

I was married to a woman named Maureen.

#266

⇓

I-I...

#267

⇓

That's so weird. I swear I saw a cat.

#268

⇓

You know what? This place is full of cats.

#269

⇓

Can we get out of here, please?

#270

⇓

-Yeah, go. Go. -Okay.

#271

⇓

And please keep the noise down at night.

#272

⇓

Yeah. Okay, you got it, cunt.

#273

⇓

Are you sure about this, Cricket?

#274

⇓

Yeah, I'm sure about it, man.

#275

⇓

I've been greasing the doormen of this building for years.

#276

⇓

Chase Utley's back in town.

#277

⇓

He's coming out of his apartment any second now.

#278

⇓

Is it good intel? 'Cause I only got one good shot at this.

#279

⇓

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. What do I know?

#280

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I'm just a street rat, right?

#281

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I'm just trash. That's what you said.

#282

⇓

-Okay, Cricks, I'll tell you... -You've got nothing for me.

#283

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I knew you were gonna be a little bit of

#284

⇓

a bitch about this, so I did something nice.

#285

⇓

-I got you a sixer. -You got that for me?

#286

⇓

Yeah, I got a gift for you, buddy.

#287

⇓

(laughs) There's only four in here.

#288

⇓

I drank two of 'em, of course.

#289

⇓

Okay. All right. Well, thank you. (clears throat)

#290

⇓

Oh, I'm gonna buy a six-pack and not drink two?

#291

⇓

Well, yeah. That's kind of the kind thing to...

#292

⇓

(stammers) But I-- Look, um, thank you for the four.

#293

⇓

If I'm being honest, I drank four.

#294

⇓

Two of those are piss.

#295

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Because I was stuck in the van, and you were out...

#296

⇓

You know what, I don't even care, frankly.

#297

⇓

-I'm just glad to have a beverage. -Yeah. All right.

#298

⇓

(clears throat) All right, um...

#299

⇓

-(sighs) -Dominus espritu sanctum, okay?

#300

⇓

-You're off. -What was that?

#301

⇓

I was, uh, I was lifting the curse that I put on you.

#302

⇓

Oh. Yeah, no, I don't believe in curses.

#303

⇓

Yeah, that's anti-God,

#304

⇓

and God is the reason that all things happen.

#305

⇓

And speaking of things that happened,

#306

⇓

I got to show you something, Cricks,

#307

⇓

but you got to keep it a secret.

#308

⇓

Something wrong with your dick?

#309

⇓

-What? -Okay, I was waiting for this.

#310

⇓

If it's your dick, though, I-I got to charge you for it.

#311

⇓

I'm gonna tell you right now.

#312

⇓

No. It's not my dick, Cricket.

#313

⇓

Well, if-if you're gonna whip it out, uh,

#314

⇓

we're on the clock. All right?

#315

⇓

-I'm not whipping anything out! -There's a tiered system...

#316

⇓

Look. This.

#317

⇓

What? What is that?

#318

⇓

It's a monkey paw, and I think it's good luck,

#319

⇓

like a rabbit's foot or something like that,

#320

⇓

'cause ever since I found it,

#321

⇓

nothing but good things have happened.

#322

⇓

Uh, sorry, I thought God was the reason

#323

⇓

that anything good happens, et cetera.

#324

⇓

Well, no. God decides who the good things happen to

#325

⇓

and then who he smites.

#326

⇓

-You're not following. -I-I can't follow it.

#327

⇓

-Cricket, I'm... -It makes literally no sense.

#328

⇓

-You got to pick a lane. -I don't even know why I even...

#329

⇓

-CRICKET: Let's get this open. I'm feeling curious. -Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#330

⇓

Wait, that's-- there he is, there he is. Okay.

#331

⇓

Let's go.

#332

⇓

-(car horns honk, tires screech) -Mr. Utley?

#333

⇓

Mr. Utley?

#334

⇓

Mr. Utley, a moment of your time, sir.

#335

⇓

Mr. Utley?

#336

⇓

Mr. Utley, hello?

#337

⇓

Hello. Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Utley.

#338

⇓

Hey, uh, would you like an autograph?

#339

⇓

Oh, no. That's a cl-- a classic, Mr. Utley.

#340

⇓

-I-It's me, Mac. -I don't know a Mac.

#341

⇓

I wrote you a letter every week for the last ten years.

#342

⇓

Did you not receive my letters? There was a video.

#343

⇓

A video in response. Wait.

#344

⇓

"Dear Mac, I feel like I can call you Mac

#345

⇓

"because you called me Chase.

#346

⇓

"Thank you for the compliment on my hair.

#347

⇓

"It's my fourth favorite thing after baseball,

#348

⇓

"running fast and my dad.

#349

⇓

"I'm sorry your dad doesn't like you.

#350

⇓

"Maybe you could become a better son.

#351

⇓

"Meeting you and having a game of catch

#352

⇓

"sounds like a lot of fun, but like I said,

#353

⇓

"I'm really busy playing a lot of baseball for the Phillies.

#354

⇓

"I hope you have a good life.

#355

⇓

"Fans like you make my life a 'grand slam.'

#356

⇓

Your good friend, Chase."

#357

⇓

-Wait, you're that Mac? -Yes.

#358

⇓

I thought Mac was a little kid.

#359

⇓

Yes, there's a child. A child...

#360

⇓

A child born unto me. Little Mac.

#361

⇓

-What? -He's Little Mac, I'm Big Mac,

#362

⇓

and you shall have a catch with him.

#363

⇓

Your hair, it's throwing me.

#364

⇓

It's making me very nervous. (exhales)

#365

⇓

On the Dodgers, yes, you were the Silver Fox.

#366

⇓

Philadelphia, you were just the Fox.

#367

⇓

I don't know, man. I'm pretty busy.

#368

⇓

Yes, we're all, we're all busy, but the boy is sick.

#369

⇓

He's very sick. He's, he's dying.

#370

⇓

He's got leukemia and you shall have a catch with him.

#371

⇓

-Where's my car? -I'll tweet that you didn't.

#372

⇓

I'm sorry. I threatened you.

#373

⇓

Now I'm upset and so are you.

#374

⇓

(exhales)

#375

⇓

A catch, we shall have? Later today.

#376

⇓

Okay. Maybe, but for, like, five minutes tops.

#377

⇓

-Yes. Yes, yes. -I'm really busy.

#378

⇓

-(knocks on window) -CHARLIE: Mom?

#379

⇓

Hey, can we pick your brain about something?

#380

⇓

Oh, Charlie, I didn't think you could make it.

#381

⇓

-Come on in. -Yeah, shit, I forgot it's Uncle Jack's birthday.

#382

⇓

Come on in, Charlie. You can sit next to me.

#383

⇓

Nah, I'm good. Uh, we'll come back later or something.

#384

⇓

No, no, no, no, Charlie. I want a piece of cake.

#385

⇓

-Come on. -Oh, do you? Oh, shit.

#386

⇓

Okay, all right, all right.

#387

⇓

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack ♪

#388

⇓

-♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪ -Can we switch seats?

#389

⇓

-(laughter) -Okay, make a wish.

#390

⇓

Oh, right, right, right. Okay, you and I hold hands.

#391

⇓

-Nope. -Okay, ready?

#392

⇓

-(exhales sharply) -All right.

#393

⇓

-Oh! -Good. All right. Very good, very good.

#394

⇓

Hey, you want to know my wish, Charlie?

#395

⇓

-Sure don't, pal. -Ooh, don't tell him your wish,

#396

⇓

-it won't come true. -Yeah, there you go.

#397

⇓

-Exactly. -I made a wish, too.

#398

⇓

How about you and me go on upstairs with some cake, Bon?

#399

⇓

Hey, Frank, you don't get a wish, okay?

#400

⇓

-That's not how birthday candles work. -(both laugh)

#401

⇓

-Says who? -Uh, look, that's not why we're here!

#402

⇓

Mom, Frank killed a seagull.

#403

⇓

(screams)

#404

⇓

(groans)

#405

⇓

Hey, that's not good, Frank.

#406

⇓

Yeah, we know it's not good, Uncle Jack. Okay?

#407

⇓

That's why-- that's why we came here, all right?

#408

⇓

Mom, now is that the kind of thing that could put, like,

#409

⇓

-a curse on Frank? -Yes.

#410

⇓

They say that a sailor's spirit lives on in the gulls,

#411

⇓

and if you kill a gull, the sailor

#412

⇓

can haunt you for the rest of its life.

#413

⇓

-No shit? -Yeah, well, is there anything we can do,

#414

⇓

-or, like... -Well, you could slit Frank's throat

#415

⇓

with a horn of a goat and drink a bowl of his blood.

#416

⇓

What?

#417

⇓

Well, uh, okay, yeah, maybe not, maybe not that.

#418

⇓

Is, like, there anything else, or...

#419

⇓

Ooh!

#420

⇓

He could behead the gull and wear its skull

#421

⇓

around his neck for the rest of his life.

#422

⇓

Mom, that's not gonna work, 'cause we don't have

#423

⇓

-the gull anymore. -Yeah, we do.

#424

⇓

It's at the bar.

#425

⇓

-What? It is? -Mm, yeah.

#426

⇓

I kicked it under one of the booths

#427

⇓

so I didn't have to clean it up.

#428

⇓

(stammers)

#429

⇓

Okay, so you're telling me that you want to wear

#430

⇓

a seagull skull around your neck for the rest of your life?

#431

⇓

I don't know. Could be cool.

#432

⇓

No, we're not doing that. That's crazy.

#433

⇓

Mom, anything else?

#434

⇓

You could give the seagull

#435

⇓

a proper burial.

#436

⇓

What? Well, yeah, that one, Mom. That one.

#437

⇓

Why didn't you lead off with that one in the first place?

#438

⇓

Well, sometimes you're at sea, Charlie,

#439

⇓

and you wouldn't have that option.

#440

⇓

Do I look like I'm at sea, Mom?

#441

⇓

-I don't know. -You don't know if I'm at sea?

#442

⇓

-(shushing) -You don't, uh-- Uncle Jack, stop.

#443

⇓

Stop putting your hand on me.

#444

⇓

(exhales) Looking for this.

#445

⇓

What is it?

#446

⇓

Maureen Ponderosa.

#447

⇓

-Well, why do you have that? -Well, I wanted to keep it

#448

⇓

as a-a-a...

#449

⇓

Oh, a trophy? From the murder.

#450

⇓

No, not a-- What? No, not a trophy.

#451

⇓

I-- As-- I wanted...

#452

⇓

Like a souvenir, f-from your victim.

#453

⇓

Not a souvenir, no. It's-it's, a...

#454

⇓

It's a-- I wanted to keep it as a w-way to spite her.

#455

⇓

Which one? Which one's it under?

#456

⇓

-Uh, by the jukebox. Over here. -Oh-- ah!

#457

⇓

-Over here. -I see it, yeah. Let me get a trash bag.

#458

⇓

-Eh. -(groans)

#459

⇓

-What the hell is that? -That's the gull Frank killed.

#460

⇓

-(groans) All right. -What's that?

#461

⇓

Oh, that's his dead wife.

#462

⇓

-Yeah. -Looks like a trophy.

#463

⇓

No, it's not a-a trophy, okay? (stammers)

#464

⇓

The crazy bitch had it in her will that she wanted

#465

⇓

to be buried in a pet cemetery, and I refused.

#466

⇓

Wait a second.

#467

⇓

You refused your wife's dying wishes

#468

⇓

to be buried in a pet cemetery? Why would you do that?

#469

⇓

Because she's not a cat.

#470

⇓

Yeah, but, dude, like, that's-that's the exact

#471

⇓

kind of thing that could lead to a curse.

#472

⇓

That... I know.

#473

⇓

-I-- Yes. Okay, I get that now. -(door opens)

#474

⇓

-This is bullshit, Cricket. -I don't know what you're so upset about.

#475

⇓

Y-You said get a kid.

#476

⇓

I mean, his name on the street is literally "Kid."

#477

⇓

-That's what he goes by. -He is a grown man.

#478

⇓

I can be whatever you want me to be, champ.

#479

⇓

-I'll make your dreams come true. -Oh, he can.

#480

⇓

-Would you make it-- Do a, do a turn. Do a spin. -Oh.

#481

⇓

There you go. Make it sexy. Let's go.

#482

⇓

-(exhales) -Yeah.

#483

⇓

Uh, move the bangs, put the bangs.

#484

⇓

Show them your face, show them your face.

#485

⇓

-Yeah. Huh? -Hey.

#486

⇓

-Get him out of here. -All right, yeah. You're gone.

#487

⇓

-Uh, here. Go. -Oh, yeah...

#488

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#489

⇓

Drugs? Mm.

#490

⇓

-No eyes. -(grunts)

#491

⇓

Okay.

#492

⇓

It's all about respect.

#493

⇓

Mac, what the hell is this?

#494

⇓

Um, I believe that Cricket is now a pimp,

#495

⇓

and that was his boy slut.

#496

⇓

Uh, t-that's oversimplifying it.

#497

⇓

But, uh, that's-that's it in a nutshell.

#498

⇓

No, we got that. He got, yeah, he means like...

#499

⇓

Yes. I-I mean, what are you doing with Cricket?

#500

⇓

No, he's got a monkey paw. (chuckles)

#501

⇓

Ugh, come on, Cricket. That's a secret.

#502

⇓

Oh, I can't keep secret-- Honestly, I'm so high,

#503

⇓

I'm thinking about it, and I'm gonna go

#504

⇓

with him in the bathroom and finish up the-- Yeah.

#505

⇓

CHARLIE: Mac, what's going on

#506

⇓

with the monkey paw? What is this?

#507

⇓

You know how I've been chasing Chase Utley

#508

⇓

for years to have a catch?

#509

⇓

Well, I finally got to him and we were supposed

#510

⇓

to have a catch tomorrow with my "dying son."

#511

⇓

Cricket was gonna help me find one,

#512

⇓

-but he brought back a junkie. -Wait, wait, wait.

#513

⇓

You actually met Chase Utley? How'd you do that?

#514

⇓

Well, ever since I found this monkey's paw,

#515

⇓

my luck has totally turned around.

#516

⇓

Well, actually, it wasn't just a paw.

#517

⇓

It was a whole monkey behind the kegs, and he was dead.

#518

⇓

He had this cash in his hand, and when I went

#519

⇓

to grab the cash, the whole hand just, like, kind of popped out,

#520

⇓

and I've been carrying it around ever since.

#521

⇓

(laughs): Monkey in the bar, right? Totally random.

#522

⇓

Wha-- that-that's not random at all.

#523

⇓

That's probably the monkey that worked here,

#524

⇓

-robbed us and fucked our faces. -FRANK: He got stuck behind the keg.

#525

⇓

-It's behind the kegs? -MAC: Well, actually,

#526

⇓

I found him by the office, but I kicked him behind the kegs

#527

⇓

because I didn't feel like cleaning him up.

#528

⇓

-Oh! -Goddamn it!

#529

⇓

-(all groaning) -Well, he is decomposing

#530

⇓

and there's also a shit-ton of mold back there.

#531

⇓

-Shit, now I smell it. -I don't know how I missed that.

#532

⇓

CHARLIE: Okay, okay.

#533

⇓

I got a new fix, all right? I got a new fix for everything.

#534

⇓

We're gonna take, uh, your wife,

#535

⇓

the gull and what's left of the monkey,

#536

⇓

and we're gonna bury them all in a pet cemetery.

#537

⇓

And Mac, you are gonna have a catch with Chase Utley,

#538

⇓

but not with your dying son.

#539

⇓

-Why not? -'Cause he's already dead.

#540

⇓

(bagpipes playing)

#541

⇓

CHASE: I'm confused.

#542

⇓

This is your son?

#543

⇓

Oh, yes, Mr. Utley.

#544

⇓

I didn't have the heart to tell you earlier.

#545

⇓

He was only ten years old when he died. He's dead now.

#546

⇓

Why is he buried at a pet cemetery?

#547

⇓

Dogs. He loved dogs.

#548

⇓

Okay, man. What is this?

#549

⇓

What's going on?

#550

⇓

(sighs)

#551

⇓

I'm sorry, I...

#552

⇓

(sighs) Look, I know you're gonna think that this is crazy,

#553

⇓

but I-I found this monkey paw,

#554

⇓

and it's brought me really good luck.

#555

⇓

And I know that you don't think superstitions are real,

#556

⇓

and that this is all ridiculous...

#557

⇓

Not real? Of course they're real.

#558

⇓

-What, really? -Yeah.

#559

⇓

How do you think baseball players get out of their slumps?

#560

⇓

With superstitions.

#561

⇓

'Cause what they believe influences their actions.

#562

⇓

But actions do have consequences.

#563

⇓

Like lying, Mac.

#564

⇓

Why don't you hand over that monkey paw?

#565

⇓

You're right.

#566

⇓

You're right, actions do have consequences, and I...

#567

⇓

I'm really sorry, man, I think...

#568

⇓

Hall of Fame, baby, here I come!

#569

⇓

What the hell was that all about?

#570

⇓

I think Chase Utley just stole my monkey paw.

#571

⇓

Oh. Well, then, maybe the curse has been lifted.

#572

⇓

-Oh. Right, yeah. -Uh, hey, guys? Um...

#573

⇓

-Hmm? -Check this out.

#574

⇓

Okay, so, apparently, um...

#575

⇓

temporary facial paralysis and brain fog

#576

⇓

are all symptoms of exposure to high levels of mold.

#577

⇓

-Huh? -Oh...

#578

⇓

You know what? That might also explain the silverfish.

#579

⇓

Yeah, no, it does. Actually, it does.

#580

⇓

They eat mold.

#581

⇓

-Huh? -And what about my egg?

#582

⇓

Well, is it possible, Frank,

#583

⇓

that that egg was a seagull egg?

#584

⇓

(tongue clicks)

#585

⇓

-Oh... -That might've been, because, you know what,

#586

⇓

-we found some eggs... -And we...

#587

⇓

-And you might've mixed them up. -I might've swapped--

#588

⇓

-mixed them up. -Yeah, 'cause we had store eggs

#589

⇓

-and we had found eggs. -You did a flip-flop.

#590

⇓

-You did a flip-flop. -Yeah, there you go.

#591

⇓

So, the-- so, there's no curse.

#592

⇓

Oh, no. Hold on a second.

#593

⇓

"Dear Mr. McDonald, we regret to inform you

#594

⇓

that we came by your bar and there was nobody there."

#595

⇓

-Huh? -"After several failed attempts

#596

⇓

"to reach you, we have decided to rescind our offer.

#597

⇓

We wish you the best of luck. Your friends at Bar Rescue."

#598

⇓

Damn it. If I had that monkey paw,

#599

⇓

none of this would've happened.

#600

⇓

Yeah, so that means we are still cursed.

#601

⇓

-Oh, no. -Shit. -It doesn't!

#602

⇓

We're not-- There is no curse.

#603

⇓

Okay? Mac, no, you were never lucky.

#604

⇓

Okay? You just bombarded them both with mail.

#605

⇓

And you stalked Chase Utley for years.

#606

⇓

We're not unlucky, okay? We're just the type of...

#607

⇓

We're just the type of people to bury various animals

#608

⇓

and-and wives in a pet cemetery

#609

⇓

when we know we should be at work.

#610

⇓

-Oh, yeah. -Let's go back to the bar.

#611

⇓

-(soft laughter) -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#612

⇓

Uh, what about me? What about my luck?

#613

⇓

I don't know, Cricks, I guess... there's no real explanation

#614

⇓

as to why bad things would happen to you.

#615

⇓

-Yeah. -Maybe it's just one of those things, Cricket.

#616

⇓

-That's life. That's life, sometimes. -Yeah, man.

#617

⇓

-It is what it is. -You got a dark cloud

#618

⇓

-following you around. -CHARLIE: It is what it is.

#619

⇓

-FRANK: That's all there is to it. -MAC: It is what it is.

#620

⇓

-CHARLIE: It is what it is. -DENNIS: Nice day.

#621

⇓

(trio chanting backwards)

#622

⇓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

#623

⇓