Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S17E08 — The Golden Bachelor Live

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 17, Episode 8 — The Golden Bachelor Live

My name is Frank.

#1

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I've had a great life, a family, lots of friends, adventures,

#2

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but I'm ready for a change.

#3

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One last shot at finding true love.

#4

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I'm hoping this is it.

#5

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Thank you. Hi.

#6

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Thank you so much. Thank you.

#7

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Thank you and good evening, Bachelor nation.

#8

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I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome

#9

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to The Golden Bachelor season finale.

#10

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Of course, we are coming to you live from Los Angeles

#11

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as Frank's journey to find the love of his life

#12

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comes to a dramatic conclusion.

#13

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Now admittedly, the crew nor the producers were prepared

#14

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to host a Bachelor as eccentric

#15

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as Frank Reynolds.

#16

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In fact, this is the first season in Bachelor history

#17

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where we considered ending the entire franchise altogether.

#18

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But, boy, are we glad we didn't,

#19

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because Frank captured our hearts,

#20

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and tonight is the moment we've all been waiting for.

#21

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Will Frank find true love again?

#22

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All I can say is that you'll have to see it to believe it.

#23

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So let's take a look back at the season's highlights

#24

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where Frank started in a very different place

#25

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than where we find him today.

#26

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Let's get this show on the road.

#27

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Can't wait to find a Grade A, prime cut piece of ****.

#28

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To love.

#29

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Frank, admittedly, was a little rougher around the edges than we're accustomed to.

#30

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All right, so where are all the broads?

#31

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I dropped a couple of blueys.

#32

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This baby's got about a half hour

#33

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to perform like, pew,

#34

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and then that's it. So, let's hurry up.

#35

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Okay, the first car is arriving now.

#36

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Okay, all right, good. The first car.

#37

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Oh, my God, I'm getting a chubby.

#38

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Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

#39

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Ooh. Here it comes. I'm anticipating this...

#40

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Oh, let's see, yeah.

#41

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- Uh, nope. - Excuse me?

#42

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Pass, pass, pass, it's a pass.

#44

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You can walk by. You can keep on going.

#45

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Just walk on by. That's it.

#46

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Next, next, next. Bring the next one in.

#47

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- Uh-uh. - Frank.

#48

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No, no. Absolutely not.

#49

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No, no. Pass on. Next. Let's go to the next one.

#50

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Next one, this is not working out. What's going on?

#51

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Frank, there's a time for this. It's just not right now.

#52

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All right, bring the next one on, bring the next one on.

#53

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I'm starting to get nervous.

#54

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What do we got?

#55

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Holy... Oh...

#56

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

#57

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No, pass, pass, pass.

#58

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Are all these whores gonna be this old?

#59

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Why did I do this? I don't know what's the matter with me.

#60

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What the **** did I do?

#61

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Everyone that got out of the car, I mean, they were, like, crackling.

#62

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I mean, you could hear their **** crackling.

#63

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- It was like, just, old meat. - Frank,

#64

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honestly, you didn't understand the premise of this show?

#65

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Well, I knew there would be a couple of duds,

#66

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but I thought you Hollywood people were all about diversity.

#67

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Well, there's gonna be women of every ethnicity here.

#68

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Age. Diversity of age.

#69

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Frank, the show's called The Golden Bachelor.

#70

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Golden Bachelor, my ****.

#71

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I'm **** out of here unless I find something

#72

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coming out of that car that I like.

#73

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You gotta do something.

#74

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- You ever watch TikTok? - Yeah, of course.

#75

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Well, you ever... you ever hear of Cock Chewa?

#76

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- Cock Chewa? - Cock Chewa...

#77

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And so in a series of Golden Bachelor firsts,

#78

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we caved into Frank's demands.

#79

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I saw this trash on TikTok.

#80

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Her name was Cock Chewa.

#81

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Her catchphrase was, "Chew on that thang."

#82

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I had to have her.

#83

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My heart's beating a mile a minute.

#84

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Let's see what happens.

#85

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Oh, oh, oh.

#86

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What's coming out?

#87

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Oh! It's her. That's her. That's her!

#88

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Hey, y'all!

#89

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- Chew on that thang. - Chew on that thang!

#90

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- I choose her. Yes. - I get paid for this, right?

#94

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Yeah, the game's over. We can take her.

#95

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No, no, no, Frank. It's only the first episode, okay?

#96

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We have to go through this whole process,

#97

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otherwise there can't be a show.

#98

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It's the first night,

#100

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so you're gonna have to wait a little while

#101

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- to chew on that thang. - Chew on that thang.

#102

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Oh, baby, am I boned up. Okay, here let's go.

#104

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Okay. Okay.

#105

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All right.

#106

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Oops, I thought you said we were done with the old ones.

#107

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Uh, hi. Very nice to see you, you know. But no.

#108

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- But no. Okay, so anyway, pass. - Oh.

#109

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But, you know, go on inside and keep warm.

#110

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I'll get you out of here ASAP.

#111

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You're kidding me. This cretin is the bachelor?

#112

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I got better looking boils.

#113

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That was a good one. You got me there. You got me there.

#114

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Well, maybe I'll keep this one around just to entertain me.

#115

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She got me with that... That was very...

#116

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She's good. Let's lump her in with the other one.

#117

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We'll see how it goes. That was funny. She was pretty funny.

#118

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Oh. Oh. What's this? I thought I said no dudes.

#119

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Oh, I have an Amazon Prime delivery for a, uh, Frank Reynolds.

#120

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- Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me. - Okay.

#121

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Yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, this... Thank you.

#122

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Oh, my, my, that was so fast.

#123

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Amazon Prime deliveries are so fast.

#124

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Frank, what are you doing? You can't bring your own plugs.

#125

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Yeah... I... No, we... No plugs. Their items are very meaningful to me.

#126

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I am fired up about Chewy. That's a broad I could spend my life with.

#127

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And the other one's good too. They both got mouths on 'em.

#128

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One's an on-ramp, one's an off-ramp.

#129

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I'm leaning toward the 20-year-old.

#130

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Since Frank had already chosen his final two,

#131

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we had to get creative with the situations we put them in.

#132

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So, uh, where you from?

#133

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Gang, gang.

#134

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Chew, chew.

#135

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Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang.

#136

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That's a butthole.

#137

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Thank you, y'all. Thank you.

#138

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What's that? What are you doing?

#139

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I'm making money on a live stream.

#140

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- Huh? - Gang, gang.

#141

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You're making...

#142

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So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm.

#143

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- Well, what kind of music do you like? - Thank you.

#144

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The conversation was a little rough.

#145

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I didn't know what the hell she was doing with the phone.

#146

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I guess people pay her to respond to emojis?

#147

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I was losing my patience.

#148

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Gang, gang. Chew, chew. Chew.

#149

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Look, if we don't bang soon, I'm gonna boot you off the show.

#150

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- Well, that worked like a charm. - All right.

#151

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We banged three times that night.

#152

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And on some kind of OnlyFans live stream thing.

#153

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Made 12 grand. It was incredible.

#154

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Except for the chewing.

#155

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That was weird as hell.

#156

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I-I thought it was more of a catch phrase than an actual method.

#157

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Where the **** is he?

#158

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- Wow. I'm sorry I'm late. - Oh, hey.

#159

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I had to dump out big time.

#160

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Oh, well, that makes two of us.

#161

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Just got here myself.

#162

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Took the liberty of ordering us the seafood linguine.

#163

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- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

#165

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So... Hmm. Mm-mmm.

#166

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What now?

#167

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Ah. Well...

#168

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we could get the linguine to go, go back to your place.

#169

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I would say we bang at my place,

#170

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but I don't want you hanging around after.

#171

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- You get it. - What makes you think I'm gonna bang you?

#172

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All right, we bang after dinner.

#173

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- Eh, make love. - Hmm.

#174

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Yeah. So what's your deal? Were you ever married?

#175

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If you must know.

#176

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My husband's dead.

#177

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You knock him off?

#178

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They say he got chomped in two by a great white

#179

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while he was snorkeling off the coast of Maine.

#180

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Ooh, wicked.

#181

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Personally, I think he was smuggling drugs down from Canada,

#182

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got chainsawed by some cartel.

#183

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They only found the bottom half.

#184

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Nasty.

#185

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Mmm. Nasty business.

#186

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Did you keep the dong?

#187

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Of course I did.

#188

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I had it pickled and put in a jar.

#189

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- Yeah. - Wow...

#190

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That's what I would have wanted.

#191

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- Hmm. - Wow. Beautiful.

#192

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Hmm.

#193

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I have to say I enjoyed the conversation.

#194

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We talked all night, didn't even bang.

#195

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Which is probably better because my cock was chewed to ****.

#196

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So Frank was left with a dilemma.

#197

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Who was he gonna choose?

#198

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And for that he turned to his family.

#199

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But in a bizarre turn of events,

#200

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the producers learned that his family was not his family at all.

#201

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He had hired actors to play them.

#202

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These people are maniacs. You don't understand.

#203

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I was afraid they were gonna embarrass me on national television.

#204

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So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him.

#205

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It was time to go to his hometown:

#206

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Philadelphia. The birthplace of our nation.

#207

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Could it be the birthplace of a new love?

#208

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Things were off to a rocky start.

#209

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I was terrified to have Sam and Chewy meet the gang.

#210

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But I have to admit, they played it really cool.

#211

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Well, here we are.

#212

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I'm so excited to see Frank.

#213

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Oh, I'm just excited to meet the ladies.

#214

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If Frank likes them, I'll like them.

#215

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Wonder where they are.

#216

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I, too, am feeling things.

#217

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Well, speak of the dev... Uh, speak of Frank.

#218

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- Yeah. - Oh.

#221

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I was really nervous that you guys were gonna be mad

#222

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about the whole fake family thing.

#223

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Oh.

#224

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- Frank, forget it, huh? - Oh, no. Please, we get it.

#225

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- I don't care. - You were nervous.

#226

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- Yeah. - I'm passed that.

#227

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Yeah, I want you to know how happy we are for both of you and for Frank.

#228

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- Well, thank you. - We just want what's best for everyone.

#229

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Uh, Frank, should we take your dates and get to know them a little better?

#231

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Oh.

#232

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Okay. Uh, all right. Play nice.

#233

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Play nice.

#234

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Well, we always play nice. - He's a funny guy, right?

#235

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- He's so funny. - A joker.

#236

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Okay, listen, bitch. You are not getting the money.

#237

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Yeah, you're too old to have a baby.

#238

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And if you try and adopt, so help me God,

#239

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we will snuff that thing out like a cigarillo.

#240

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Hmm. You're on television.

#241

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Please.

#242

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I think we all know Disney's never gonna air this.

#243

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So listen to me and listen good.

#245

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You are not getting our money.

#246

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I have my own money.

#247

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You do?

#248

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Explain yourself.

#249

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I got chicken money and plenty of it too.

#250

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So whatever Frank's got, he can just keep it.

#251

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I made my own fortune on the backs of others.

#252

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I don't need to be pulling it out of an old man's pocket.

#253

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- Chicken money. - Chicken money, huh?

#254

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The chicken money comment was a bit of a relief, you know?

#255

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- Not that I trust her. - Well, no, that's true.

#256

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We're not really the trusting kind, you know?

#257

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But if she does have this so-called "chicken money",

#258

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then we wouldn't mind, uh...

#259

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Wetting our beaks.

#260

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Did you see that? I didn't have to say it.

#261

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She-She walked right into it.

#262

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Dee's a bird.

#263

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Uh... ...Chewy. May I call you Chewy?

#264

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- Yeah. - Chewy, we are a vibe.

#265

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And we need to know how you're gonna fit in.

#266

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You know, I think it's important that whoever

#267

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we bring into the fold fits with our dynamic.

#268

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Oh, I love the gays. I'll chew on that thang.

#269

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That doesn't make any sense. Moreover, it sickens me.

#270

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What is this? How is this gonna work?

#271

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Like, there's no room for you on my couch, man.

#272

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- There's just not. - Okay. Well, we have to pick one, Charlie.

#273

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I don't want to pick one. I don't understand why Frank did this.

#274

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If he was unhappy, why didn't he come to me?

#275

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You ruined this, okay? I need it to go back to the way that it was.

#276

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Well, he's not gonna just chew on that thang.

#277

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Whatever y'all want. What does that mean?

#278

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Why does she keep saying it?

#279

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I'd seen all I needed to see.

#280

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I mean, we-we couldn't run the risk of one of these women

#281

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becoming a major player in our lives.

#282

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We need to bring in someone Frank might go for,

#283

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but who we know we can control.

#284

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A woman with no personal ambitions

#285

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but who Frank could also bang.

#286

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Guys, I believe I have the first line.

#287

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- Uh, announcement. - Announce. Just an announcement.

#288

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- It's just a natural conversation. - Yes.

#289

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- He just has to talk first. - Welcome to Mac and Dennis's apartment.

#290

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- Well, you're Mac. - I'm Mac.

#291

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- Well, he's just welcoming. - Yeah.

#292

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This is Dennis, and this is our apartment.

#293

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- Yes. - And we do a lot of hosting.

#294

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- That's right. - And we are not a couple.

#295

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- No. - But our living arrangement is

#296

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- Well, he is gay. - Well... ...Goddamn it.

#298

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And I am gay.

#299

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Uh, I believe I may have snapped at Dennis and hit him a little bit...

#300

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- Yeah, a little bit too hard. - ...too hard.

#301

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And also the fact that you're gay is inconsequential because...

#302

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- It's playful. - Yes.

#303

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...that's gonna make it sound like maybe I'm not.

#304

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She's not supposed to say that, right?

#306

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Is that it? That's all she can say?

#307

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- The vocab is limited. - Good.

#308

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- Yeah. - I'ma barf on it.

#309

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- What? - What?

#310

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That's not your line.

#311

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Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase that I do, you know what I mean?

#313

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- She's kidding. You're kidding. - Barf on that thing, y'all.

#314

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Well, no, no, no.

#316

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Should I have a catchphrase? I don't approve of this union.

#317

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Let's keep this evening about Frank, okay?

#318

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And not have... We don't have... Nobody has any catchphrases.

#319

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We-we're just... Uh, I'm gonna raise a toast... Um...

#320

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to these two wonderful women and to an impossible choice.

#321

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- Yeah. - Oh.

#322

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Oh.

#323

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- My, my. Who could that be? - Oh. What's this?

#324

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Goddamn it.

#325

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Hey... Oh, Miss... Ms. Kelly.

#326

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- Mom. - My God. Well, what brings you here?

#327

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To be a slut and to marry Frank.

#328

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That was...

#329

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Oh.

#330

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Really? Oh, good. Dennis, did you put her up to this?

#331

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What do you mean? She just came over.

#332

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Already I have to deal with two sluts and now a third?

#333

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Start over, Mac! Start over.

#334

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♪ yeah!

#335

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Now the stakes were even higher with a third woman in the mix,

#336

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but luckily for Frank,

#337

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he'd have the fantasy suites to help him make up his mind.

#338

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This was the hardest decision of my life. What's the order?

#339

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Do I go Chewy first and work my way to Bonnie through Sam?

#340

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Or do I run the risk of being gnawed to a stump and have to heal?

#341

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I was feeling so many things.

#342

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And then, I had an idea.

#343

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Frank, there is no way Disney is ever gonna go with that.

#344

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It's what I want.

#345

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No, Frank, we have to stagger them.

#346

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I'll handle that once we're in the middle of it.

#347

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Look, you wanna join us?

#348

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I don't love it, but no eye contact and we're good.

#349

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All right. Let's go ahead. Let's go.

#350

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Ha! Let's go, ladies.

#351

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We're gonna do kind of a group situation.

#352

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Why don't you just come this way?

#353

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- There you go. There you go. - Yeah.

#354

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- O-Okay, listen to me, Frank. - Hey.

#355

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I'm no prude, right?

#356

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I mean, I was in the navy, right?

#357

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I took a whole destroyer full of torpedoes, you know?

#358

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That's pretty funny, Sam.

#359

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Yeah, but here's the thing:

#360

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I feel like I'm ready to settle down and, you know...

#361

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- ...I got feelings for-for-for you, Frank. - You do?

#362

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Yeah, you know. Ain't that something.

#363

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I-I gotta tell you a little story, right?

#364

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Well, I'm kind of on the clock here, you know?

#365

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Yeah, okay.

#366

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When I was a little girl,

#367

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I shortened my name to Sam and I told everybody,

#368

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"Ooh, I-I really liked that so much better,"

#369

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but I didn't.

#370

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I-I just thought that... Samantha, that's-that's too long for anybody to say.

#371

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So-So I changed my name, Frank, because I thought

#372

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that nobody would care enough to take the time to say the whole thing.

#373

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Oh, my God. Stupid, huh?

#374

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Well, you were a kid.

#375

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I lived my whole life that way.

#376

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And when I was busy pretending to be somebody that I wasn't,

#377

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you were living your life being exactly who you are.

#378

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I just love that about you, Frank.

#379

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And I kind of thought it was too late for me, but then,

#380

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you've shown me that it's never too late

#381

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to find your heart.

#382

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And your voice.

#383

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And your name.

#384

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I think I'm falling in love with you, Frank.

#385

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Yeah, I-I don't want to ruin that.

#386

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So, you know, I'm not going in there.

#387

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I'm-I'm gonna go.

#388

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Sam had struck a chord.

#389

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And now Frank had an even tougher decision to make.

#390

⇓

Just what was he going to do?

#391

⇓

Yeah, I mean, I took a shot, right?

#392

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And I-I think he's feeling the same things I am.

#393

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At least, I hope so, right?

#394

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Yeah.

#395

⇓

What's it say?

#396

⇓

Look, as much as Dennis wanted Frank to pick Bonnie,

#397

⇓

we all knew he was gonna go with the 20-year-old, so...

#398

⇓

I devised that prank to make sure she was cool.

#399

⇓

The prank is this, when they fly us out there, we set off

#400

⇓

one of those elephant toothpaste bombs in the mansion.

#401

⇓

And then, if she likes it, she's in.

#402

⇓

What the hell is that? - What is that?

#403

⇓

Oh. It's-It's like a chemical reaction. Check it out.

#404

⇓

This is a good idea though, Mac. I could work with this.

#406

⇓

- Yeah, that's gonna be fun. - Okay.

#407

⇓

So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him.

#408

⇓

Well, we've got them here with us tonight.

#409

⇓

How do you guys feel about that?

#410

⇓

Well...

#411

⇓

The situation...

#412

⇓

...under the circumstances is quite understandable.

#413

⇓

Our appearance may seem gruesome, but all can be quite easily explained.

#414

⇓

Oh. Indeed.

#415

⇓

As you can tell, our voices have also been affected,

#417

⇓

creating an unintentionally sinister tone.

#418

⇓

- So, where did things go wrong, guys? - Well...

#419

⇓

There seems to have been a miscalculation.

#420

⇓

- Our hubris got the best of us. - Nonsense.

#421

⇓

There was no mix-up in the laboratory, no... ...neglect of the pH balance.

#422

⇓

It was my jealousy of these women

#423

⇓

that drove me to surreptitiously add 20 gallons

#424

⇓

of Nair hair removal into the concoction.

#425

⇓

Wait, wait, you did what?

#426

⇓

♪ You wear short shorts If you dare wear short shorts Nair for--♪

#427

⇓

Yeah, we know the product.

#428

⇓

You're familiar with it?

#429

⇓

Do you guys know the song?

#430

⇓

- Yes, we know the goddamn song. - Yes.

#431

⇓

Uh. Okay, okay, okay, that's just...

#432

⇓

We're gonna stop right there.

#433

⇓

Uh. So with no help from his family whatsoever,

#434

⇓

Frank is now left with the most important choice of his entire life.

#435

⇓

And on that final night he had to make that choice alone.

#436

⇓

Ooh.

#437

⇓

Frank, it's the final rose.

#438

⇓

This is it. So who will you choose?

#439

⇓

Will it be Bonnie or Sara?

#440

⇓

Who the hell is Sara?

#441

⇓

You actually thought that the woman's birth name was Cock Chewa?

#442

⇓

Oh. Never gave it much thought.

#443

⇓

America is waiting.

#444

⇓

Frank, who are you gonna give it to?

#445

⇓

Well, Bonnie, you are a dirty, dirty slut.

#446

⇓

Thank you, Frank.

#447

⇓

And you're old as hell.

#448

⇓

But-But I gotta be honest, you bone me up like nobody else.

#449

⇓

So it's really hard not to choose you.

#450

⇓

Chewy, I gotta be honest, I don't like the teeth.

#451

⇓

I-I never understood the chewing thing. I mean, people like that?

#452

⇓

Chew on that thang?

#453

⇓

It's weird as hell. It hurts, your chomping on it.

#454

⇓

I mean, it's like...

#455

⇓

You go deep, deep, deep. The bottom? Oh.

#456

⇓

I may never recover from that.

#457

⇓

But I gotta say,

#458

⇓

you are so goddamn hot.

#459

⇓

It is hard not to choose you.

#460

⇓

I gotta make a decision.

#461

⇓

I gotta make a decision.

#462

⇓

And...

#463

⇓

my decision is...

#464

⇓

Sam!

#465

⇓

Sam! Sam, where are you?

#466

⇓

Sam!

#467

⇓

Sam!

#468

⇓

Sam!

#469

⇓

Samantha! Samantha!

#470

⇓

Frank.

#471

⇓

- Frank. - Saman... Oh.

#472

⇓

Samantha, don't get on that bus.

#473

⇓

I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot.

#474

⇓

But most of all I'm a coward.

#475

⇓

I-I didn't let you go because I didn't like you.

#476

⇓

I-I got rid of you because I like you too much

#477

⇓

and it scared the shit out of me.

#478

⇓

I'm just like you, Samantha.

#479

⇓

But together, we don't have to be afraid.

#480

⇓

Would you accept this rose and be my wife?

#481

⇓

Frank,

#482

⇓

I will.

#483

⇓

Be strong, Bonnie.

#484

⇓

Be strong for your little gingerbread man.

#485

⇓

Bonnie?

#486

⇓

How do you guys know each other?

#487

⇓

- This is my date. - Yeah.

#488

⇓

One. Two. Three.

#489

⇓

- Why are you doing everything in threes? - So Charlie doesn't die.

#490

⇓

Show us on the doll.

#491

⇓

Show you what?

#492

⇓

Where he touched you.

#493

⇓

I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie.

#494

⇓

She doesn't want a dog eating her face.

#495

⇓

Oh. Sorry.

#496

⇓

You!

#497

⇓

- I'm so excited. It's almost Christmas! - I'm so excited!

#499

⇓

I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boy.

#500

⇓