Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S17E07 — The Gang Gets Ready for Primetime

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 17, Episode 7 — The Gang Gets Ready for Primetime

[cheering, applause]

#1

⇓

Coming up next week on The Golden Bachelor...

#2

⇓

[with mouth full] I'm really excited to get back to Philly for my hometown visit.

#3

⇓

I run a bar with my kids and my kids' friends.

#4

⇓

And my roommate, who is also one of my kids' friends,

#5

⇓

who we thought was my kid. [chuckles]

#6

⇓

But we chucked his real dad off a cliff. He was already soup by that point.

#7

⇓

Anyway... [chomping] ...I want us all to have a nice dinner, get to know each other.

#8

⇓

It's gonna be a really classy affair.

#9

⇓

Mmm.

#10

⇓

[sighs]

#11

⇓

We look forward to it.

#12

⇓

So join us next week as we travel to Philadelphia for Frank's hometown visit.

#13

⇓

Well... [sighs] ...you know what this means, guys.

#14

⇓

-What? -We gotta get our shit together.

#15

⇓

[♪ opening theme music plays]

#16

⇓

[♪ music stops]

#17

⇓

-[Dennis] All right. -I don't know. I don't get it.

#18

⇓

Like, why is he doing this?

#19

⇓

Oh, who knows? You know, fame, attention.

#20

⇓

Maybe he just wants to bang a bunch of old ladies. It doesn't matter

#21

⇓

'cause what does matter is how we come across when those cameras are rolling,

#22

⇓

right? I mean, this is prime time TV we're talking about.

#23

⇓

And we pop on something like this, all our hopes and dreams could come true.

#24

⇓

I mean, hell... [chuckles] ...we live in a country where reality television

#25

⇓

could be a pathway towards being the president.

#26

⇓

Yeah. But what's with the scripts?

#27

⇓

Oh. Yeah, so Frank said that he wanted to have a really classy dinner.

#28

⇓

And, you know, we've struggled with that a little bit in the past, admittedly.

#29

⇓

So I just jotted down some lines... [stammers]

#30

⇓

...some small talk for us to, you know, talk about over the dinner,

#31

⇓

so that we can stay away from some of the danger zones.

#32

⇓

I feel like this is gonna feel too scripted, you know?

#33

⇓

-Yeah, I mean... -Well, it is.

#34

⇓

Shouldn't it be a little bit more off the cuff?

#35

⇓

-No. -[Charlie] Yeah. Like...

#36

⇓

Like, the other day I was walking down by City Hall,

#37

⇓

and I noticed this coyote was following me.

#38

⇓

-Really? -Right down Market Street,

#39

⇓

-in broad daylight. -In Market Street?

#40

⇓

So I turned to this coyote. I got on my haunches,

#41

⇓

'cause you gotta get down on your haunches.

#42

⇓

You gotta meet them where they are. And I'm like, "Why are you following me?"

#43

⇓

-Yeah! -[Mac] I said, "Back off,

#44

⇓

or I will stick my thumbs into your eyes." Which I've said to you before.

#45

⇓

No, I don't think we should be regaling audiences with tales of animal abuse.

#46

⇓

-It was following him. -We're not.

#47

⇓

-I was the hunted, he was the hunter. -Okay. Well--

#48

⇓

Dennis. Dennis. How come I don't have any lines?

#49

⇓

You do.

#50

⇓

"Hi, I'm Dee. Frank is a great dad." That's it.

#51

⇓

-It's all you need. -No. It's not... It doesn't pop.

#52

⇓

How am I supposed to pop with this? No, I need to be slinging zingers.

#53

⇓

You guys, I have a new one about a Chinese guy and his optometrist--

#54

⇓

Oh, God. No. Dee, stop doing that. No race jokes, no edge.

#55

⇓

-You know, actually, no comedy at all. -What?

#56

⇓

Well, we've moved past comedy as a society.

#57

⇓

We don't want it anymore, we've decided.

#58

⇓

You know, it makes us think too much about, you know, our current condition.

#59

⇓

And then, really, we don't want to think about ourselves

#60

⇓

because it makes us feel bad about ourselves.

#61

⇓

-It's confusing. -So we project onto the people

#62

⇓

that are making us think, and we cancel 'em.

#63

⇓

-[Dee] We get mad. -I'm with Dennis.

#64

⇓

-Go woke, go broke. Right, Dennis? -Yeah, for sure, man.

#65

⇓

No. Uh, well, no. That's the opposite of what I'm saying.

#66

⇓

It sounds like what you're saying.

#67

⇓

That's pretty much what you're saying.

#68

⇓

It's not. No. She said--

#69

⇓

-We're already broke. -Yeah.

#70

⇓

No, what I'm saying is if we go woke...

#71

⇓

-We'll go broke? -[stutters] ...we pop.

#72

⇓

I want to know what all these, uh, creams and bottles are.

#73

⇓

-These-- What are we doing? -Ah. Yes. Um, glad you asked, Charlie.

#74

⇓

Um, those are various shampoos and tanning creams.

#75

⇓

And, uh, yeah, got some Nair hair removal in there, for any unsightly hairs.

#76

⇓

What, me?

#77

⇓

-Probably. -Well, sure. Yeah, you.

#78

⇓

Uh, but, you know, all of you.

#79

⇓

-Here's an idea, actually. -[Dee] No, not me.

#80

⇓

What if instead of getting all clean, I get more dirty.

#81

⇓

And then Frank's like, "Oh, my God, he's dirty.

#82

⇓

I'm concerned about him," you know?

#83

⇓

You guys just aren't getting it, okay?

#84

⇓

You're not getting it. All right, this is bigger than just looking good, okay?

#85

⇓

The most important thing here is to not look bad.

#86

⇓

Hollywood actually has a system for this already in place.

#87

⇓

It's called the testing process. They get together. Focus group,

#88

⇓

and they... Well, actually, we did a focus group for the last Thunder Gun movie,

#89

⇓

-if you guys recall. -Oh, yeah, yeah.

#90

⇓

And they score us on a scale of one to one hundred.

#91

⇓

Then we just keep refining the dinner over and over again,

#92

⇓

until finally we land on the most perfect versions of ourselves

#93

⇓

that will appeal to the widest possible audience and offend no one.

#94

⇓

That is how you make great art.

#95

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#96

⇓

Okay. Thank you all for coming.

#97

⇓

Uh, so some of you have done these before, for movies.

#98

⇓

And for some of you, I know it's your first time.

#99

⇓

But, in a bit of an unorthodox move,

#100

⇓

we will be watching a live performance today,

#101

⇓

in preparation for the show The Golden Bachelor.

#102

⇓

[murmuring]

#103

⇓

Okay, so let's begin the, uh... [sighs] The show.

#104

⇓

[Dennis] Um...

#105

⇓

-[whispers] Tell 'em not to clap. -Excuse me?

#106

⇓

[whispers] Well, it's, you know, it's not a play. So, they shouldn't clap or,

#107

⇓

you know, laugh out loud or groan or anything like that.

#108

⇓

[Dee] No. How are we supposed to know what they think is funny? Let 'em laugh.

#109

⇓

Okay. They can laugh, but, you know, no claps.

#110

⇓

[Mac] I think we should keep the claps so we know what they love.

#111

⇓

[Dennis] Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Dude, you really overdid it on the tanner.

#112

⇓

-[Mac] Well, it's a farmer's tan. -You're not a farmer.

#113

⇓

[Mac] But my guy is.

#114

⇓

Your guy? [stammers] What guy?

#115

⇓

You know what? Just start.

#116

⇓

Right. Uh... So, let's begin.

#117

⇓

Okay.

#118

⇓

Well, here we are.

#119

⇓

Mmm.

#120

⇓

Sure can't wait to see Frank.

#121

⇓

I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

#122

⇓

If Frank likes her, I'll like her.

#123

⇓

So, where are they?

#124

⇓

Well, our lovable old pal Charlie is on his way over with them right now.

#125

⇓

[knocks on door]

#126

⇓

-Oh. Speak of the devil. -Huh. [chuckles]

#127

⇓

Here they are. Come on in, guys. It's open.

#128

⇓

-[attendees murmur] -He's so bald.

#129

⇓

Hello, everybody.

#130

⇓

Frank, Frank's date, come on in.

#131

⇓

[attendees laugh]

#132

⇓

Thanks, Charlie. I'm starving.

#133

⇓

Um, me too. Because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth.

#134

⇓

[Dee] Oh.

#135

⇓

Right.

#136

⇓

-[Dee chuckles] -[Charlie] So... Whoo!

#137

⇓

What a day.

#138

⇓

You guys will not believe what happened to me. [chuckles]

#139

⇓

Okay. Well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story.

#140

⇓

But we don't want to hear it, because we're here to talk to Frank.

#141

⇓

I wanna hear Charlie's story because he looks crazy.

#142

⇓

No, no, no, no. You don't want to hear his story,

#143

⇓

because you were gonna tell us more about yourself.

#144

⇓

-What happened to you? -[screams] You were gonna tell us more...

#145

⇓

-Yes. -[normal] You were gonna tell us

#146

⇓

-more about yourself. -I'm Mac. Uh, I love Jesus,

#147

⇓

and therefore am not gay.

#148

⇓

-What? -I am a farmer, and I plow the fields.

#149

⇓

And that's why I have this farmer's tan, which plays in the fly-over states.

#150

⇓

-That's good. -And I live with Dennis in a friendship,

#151

⇓

man-to-man, nongay role.

#152

⇓

-Oh, okay. Yeah. Let's not... -Right, Dennis?

#153

⇓

The more he tries to hammer it home, the more it sounds like we do do it.

#154

⇓

-There is no gay here. -It's irrelevant. He's gay, I'm straight.

#155

⇓

-They just live together. -Yeah. Which is totally normal

#156

⇓

-for two middle-aged men. -Right.

#157

⇓

-They like when I'm funny. -Don't refer to them.

#158

⇓

They like when I'm funny.

#159

⇓

-Did you notice that? -No.

#160

⇓

Hey, you guys wanna hear the one about the Chinaman's doctor?

#161

⇓

-[Dee] No, no. Hang on. -They don't.

#162

⇓

That is so racist.

#163

⇓

I yelled at a coyote the other day. Would anyone like to see a reenactment?

#164

⇓

[attendees cheering, applauding]

#165

⇓

[Mac] Yeah?

#166

⇓

-This is a good story. -Yeah. It came at me, and I was like--

#167

⇓

-[Charlie] Tell 'em what you said. -I was so super cool.

#168

⇓

I was like, "Later, bro."

#169

⇓

[Charlie] No, you screamed at it.

#170

⇓

Well, this was a goddamn nightmare. I mean, Charlie, what happened, dude?

#171

⇓

I confused the shampoo with the Nair hair removal.

#172

⇓

And then, you know, it came off.

#173

⇓

Jesus Christ, man. And, Mac, why are you back in the closet?

#174

⇓

I wanted to appeal to the fly-over states.

#175

⇓

Go woke, go broke. That's what you always say.

#176

⇓

I don't say that, you say that, all right?

#177

⇓

And people were confused, all right? They think we're a couple.

#178

⇓

Oh. Okay. Well, maybe America is ready for us.

#179

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There is no us. Mac, stop trying to groom me, okay?

#180

⇓

And please stop saying, "Go woke, go broke."

#181

⇓

What'd we get? What was our score?

#182

⇓

-Twenty-two. -Out of what?

#183

⇓

Out of a goddamn 100!

#184

⇓

-Oh, is that low? -Yeah... That's very low.

#185

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[stammers] This is exactly what I was talking about.

#186

⇓

-That's why I had a script. -[all sigh]

#187

⇓

That being said, you know, some of these comments are a little bit confusing.

#188

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I mean, like, they didn't like when I said, "Speak of the devil."

#189

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I didn't like that either. You know, you shouldn't speak of Satan.

#190

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-And you said, "speak of the devil." -He was speaking of the devil.

#191

⇓

-I heard that too. -It's a figure of speech.

#192

⇓

-Mmm. You were speaking of Satan. -Yeah.

#193

⇓

America doesn't like that, and I don't like that.

#194

⇓

-[Dee] I don't like to represent-- -I was speaking of the person--

#195

⇓

So who tested the highest?

#196

⇓

Well... [sighs] Mac and Dee tested the highest, which is crazy.

#197

⇓

-[Dee] Oh! -Oh, yeah!

#198

⇓

-Well, well done. -I didn't say you tested high.

#199

⇓

I said you tested the highest, you know.

#200

⇓

Unbelievably, they thought Dee was funny, except for the goddamn Chinaman comment.

#201

⇓

Which was completely inappropriate, bitch.

#202

⇓

Listen, I can take a note. I'll go woke and I'll switch to clean comedy.

#203

⇓

How about no comedy at all, okay? That's what's woke.

#204

⇓

I mean, awaken to the fact that you're just not funny.

#205

⇓

-Hmm. -Nah.

#206

⇓

-Dennis, what'd they like about me? -Yeah.

#207

⇓

This one wanted to hear more about your bad boy tendencies?

#208

⇓

-These have to be a mistake. -I am a bad boy.

#209

⇓

Yeah. So you're gonna stick with the straight thing?

#210

⇓

-I don't know. We'll see. -It's working for you.

#211

⇓

-What'd they think about me? -Well, they thought you had cancer.

#212

⇓

Why?

#213

⇓

-Because you do look like you have cancer. -[Dee] Mmm.

#214

⇓

And they were confused about the volleyballs.

#215

⇓

I mean, they didn't know what that was.

#216

⇓

That's crazy. What else confused them?

#217

⇓

Goddamn everything! I mean,

#218

⇓

they were very confused about mine and Mac's living arrangement for some reason.

#219

⇓

Hey, uh, quick question. Who scored the lowest?

#220

⇓

Oh.

#221

⇓

Uh... [sighs]

#222

⇓

-That's just completely unclear. -Can I see that?

#223

⇓

-Just for a second. -[Dennis] You know... No.

#224

⇓

You're not gonna get any information from it, Dee.

#225

⇓

-It was Dennis. -It was Dennis?

#226

⇓

Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. They thought he was bossy and he looked old.

#227

⇓

I mean, somebody has to be the boss, right?

#228

⇓

-Of dinner? -"Why was the old man so bossy?

#229

⇓

He looked haggard."

#230

⇓

No, no, no. You're... Now you're making stuff up.

#231

⇓

"His features were so sunken,

#232

⇓

it was hard to concentrate on the story."

#233

⇓

Old? Haggard? No, these are... [stammers]

#234

⇓

No. That was a lighting thing.

#235

⇓

I gave you guys the best lighting because I knew I looked the best,

#236

⇓

and I wanted you guys to look good too. And I wanted them to...

#237

⇓

They... No. Old? Come on. That's completely insane.

#238

⇓

[breathes heavily]

#239

⇓

Get your shit together!

#240

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#241

⇓

Okay. Thank you all for coming. Uh...

#242

⇓

Most of you are new, and I think some of you may have been at the last show.

#243

⇓

I guess you wanted to see this again. That's... That's good, I suppose.

#244

⇓

Uh, well, for those of you who are new...

#245

⇓

[Mac chuckles] Ooh.

#246

⇓

Great crowd out there.

#247

⇓

-What are you wearing? -Oh.

#248

⇓

I'm going for the bad guy in Commando look.

#249

⇓

You know, like, "Who's straighter than that?"

#250

⇓

Dude, you look like Freddie Mercury.

#251

⇓

Oh, cool. He's like the straightest man alive.

#252

⇓

He couldn't have been more gay. I mean, he was in a band called Queen.

#253

⇓

You know what? If you want to look straight, go grab the duster or something.

#254

⇓

-What's with the face tape? -This? Well, it's just, you know...

#255

⇓

It's a way to kind of tighten the skin up a little bit.

#256

⇓

Give me a more youthful appearance. You know what I mean?

#257

⇓

Okay.

#258

⇓

-What is this? -[sighs]

#259

⇓

It's just a clean comedy look. It's classic.

#260

⇓

-[squeaks] -[stammers]

#261

⇓

[stammers] Can we not, okay? I mean, a rubber chicken?

#262

⇓

-Are you ser-- -Yeah. Come on.

#263

⇓

-Is this tape coming off? Goddamn it. -You got tape on your face?

#264

⇓

-Yeah, and it's not sticking very well. -I think you need more.

#265

⇓

You think I need more of it?

#266

⇓

Well, yeah. You said you wanted to look youthful, yeah?

#267

⇓

Yeah. I don't want to look crazy. Maybe I'll just tighten it up a little bit.

#268

⇓

-Yeah. -A little bit. Yeah.

#269

⇓

-Yeah. Okay. All right. -Yeah.

#270

⇓

So, without further ado, let's begin.

#271

⇓

Oh.

#272

⇓

Stop.

#273

⇓

-[toy squeaks] -Oh!

#274

⇓

Uh-oh.

#275

⇓

Well. [sighs] Here we are. Uh... I sure am excited to see Frank.

#276

⇓

Oh, gosh. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

#277

⇓

Yeah. Frank likes her, I'll like her.

#278

⇓

-Okay. -Yeah. I wonder where they are.

#279

⇓

Oh, well, our lovable old pal Charlie's on his way over with them right now.

#280

⇓

[knocks on door]

#281

⇓

-Oh. [chuckles] -Look at that.

#282

⇓

Speak of the... [stammers] Speak of the guy.

#283

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#284

⇓

Here they are. Oh, it's open.

#285

⇓

Hello, everybody.

#286

⇓

Say hello to Frank and Frank's date.

#287

⇓

Heya, gang.

#288

⇓

-I'm getting paid for this, right? -Yeah, yeah.

#289

⇓

Well, come on in. Hey, Charlie. How you doin', man?

#290

⇓

Not sure why you're doing that accent, you know? [cackles]

#291

⇓

Pretty confusing, you know. I must not have heard you correctly,

#292

⇓

because you are from right here in Philadelphia.

#293

⇓

-No, that's not true actually. -It is.

#294

⇓

No, I'm from Eastern European territory.

#295

⇓

-Uh... So, what's for dinner? -[Dennis sighs]

#296

⇓

-Beet soup, I hope. -[attendees laugh]

#297

⇓

-Stop it. -What are you doing?

#298

⇓

I'm just talking in my natural European way.

#299

⇓

I like it, because white people doing funny accents is not woke.

#300

⇓

I thought we were doing woke.

#301

⇓

Shut up!

#302

⇓

[attendees booing]

#303

⇓

[whispering]

#304

⇓

Sorry about that.

#305

⇓

So, Frank and Frank's date, I'm Dennis.

#306

⇓

Um... I live here with Mac in a totally age-appropriate and platonic relationship.

#307

⇓

But like you, Frank, I hope to meet my special someone someday.

#308

⇓

Meh.

#309

⇓

Yeah. [smacks lips]

#310

⇓

[attendees laughing]

#311

⇓

-Where the hell did that come from? -Oh.

#312

⇓

[cheering, applauding]

#313

⇓

Oh, okay. It was funny. It was funny.

#314

⇓

When I'm not palling around with Dennis platonically in the bedroom,

#315

⇓

I like to strap on my leathers and perform badass stunts.

#316

⇓

Would anyone like to see a backflip?

#317

⇓

[chuckles] Okay. Well, hey now, let's not encourage him.

#318

⇓

He can't actually do one.

#319

⇓

-[Charlie] He can't. -Right? No, he can't.

#320

⇓

[attendees laughing]

#321

⇓

So, guys, guess how much me and this broad banged boots?

#322

⇓

Tell 'em, honey.

#323

⇓

-[Dee] What are you doing? -Do I have a line?

#324

⇓

-No. -I didn't get a script.

#325

⇓

No. Artemis, can you stick to the script?

#326

⇓

The script's a little thin, so I'm trying to just ad-lib.

#327

⇓

[♪ "Warrior" playing]

#328

⇓

What are you doing?

#329

⇓

I'm doing a goddamn backflip.

#330

⇓

You can't stop me.

#331

⇓

Because the power of Christ compels me.

#332

⇓

-Badass. -Stop.

#333

⇓

[all scream]

#334

⇓

Oh, no. Oh.

#335

⇓

Seventy-five. Am I reading that right?

#336

⇓

-Yeah. That's a big improvement. -Wow. We did great.

#337

⇓

It was a goddamn circus. What are you guys talking about?

#338

⇓

No... [stammers] Charlie, why did you do an accent?

#339

⇓

Well, dude, I look weird. I don't feel like myself.

#340

⇓

So I figured I'd be someone different.

#341

⇓

Like that funny cousin in Perfect Strangers? Remember that guy?

#342

⇓

-Yes. -Yeah. No, I like you doing a character,

#343

⇓

but don't make it funny. I got the jokes covered.

#344

⇓

-Oh. Do you, Dee? -[Dee] I'm the funny...

#345

⇓

Do you? Because this card says,

#346

⇓

"The one in the plaid suit seemed sad and desperate.

#347

⇓

And I was only laughing because I was so uncomfortable."

#348

⇓

Oh, yeah? You know what this one says?

#349

⇓

-What? -"What's with the angry man

#350

⇓

with the old face who's constantly yelling at his boyfriend?"

#351

⇓

I could not have made it more clear that he's not my boyfriend!

#352

⇓

-You kept saying it over and over. -Oh, my God.

#353

⇓

And how could I possibly look old? I mean, no.

#354

⇓

Who scored the highest?

#355

⇓

I think you did.

#356

⇓

Oh, yeah? Let me see.

#357

⇓

"I love when the vampire slayer busted out the crucifix on his old vampire lover."

#358

⇓

-Me? "Old vampire lover"? -[Mac laughing]

#359

⇓

Let's lean into that. Yeah, I can be like a vanilla Blade,

#360

⇓

and I could stab you in the heart with the crucifix and be...

#361

⇓

-Stop! Goddamn it. -And then you kiss...

#362

⇓

For the love of God, stop.

#363

⇓

Okay, all right. You know what?

#364

⇓

[clicks tongue] You two will limit your exchanges

#365

⇓

to "hello," "yes" and "no." And that's it.

#366

⇓

And the rest of you will refrain from doing accents or personas of any kind.

#367

⇓

I will do all the costumes, hair and makeup.

#368

⇓

And there will be no other surprises at all.

#369

⇓

And so help me God, we will get this right!

#370

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#371

⇓

I mean, I get a vampire vibe off that, right?

#372

⇓

-Do you not? -[shushes] We're gonna get slashed.

#373

⇓

Yeah, like a Count Dracula thing.

#374

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#375

⇓

Okay. Thank you all for coming.

#376

⇓

I see mostly familiar faces, so welcome back.

#377

⇓

That crowd is amped.

#378

⇓

-Yeah, well... -Oh, yeah?

#379

⇓

...too bad Dennis cut everything they liked.

#380

⇓

Come on, Dee. No, trust me. Trust me. Guys, this is exactly what America wants.

#381

⇓

Didn't it start, like, here, and then go up and over? Like it would...

#382

⇓

No, no. I mean, you're not a werewolf.

#383

⇓

I'm thinking of Teen Wolf, aren't I?

#384

⇓

-I think so. Yeah. -I'm just blown away, man.

#385

⇓

I just, like, don't know how you got the wig that good, you know?

#386

⇓

Like, do you wear a wig? This is crazy, dude.

#387

⇓

[wheezing] Do I wear a wig? No. Nonsense.

#388

⇓

-For real, though. Do you? -Stop!

#389

⇓

Dude. All right, fine, man. I'm just thinking, it's so good, man.

#390

⇓

-Just... -All right, the show's gonna start.

#391

⇓

Do you have time to do yourself, and then we'll get going?

#392

⇓

What do you mean? I did do me.

#393

⇓

-Oh, you're all done? -Yeah, I put the... Do I need more tape?

#394

⇓

Uh... Well...

#395

⇓

Oh. [chuckles]

#396

⇓

-We should bow. We should bow. -Absolutely.

#397

⇓

-No, don't bow. Don't bow. -But they're clapping so much.

#398

⇓

I know. Don't, like... Don't even notice that they're there.

#399

⇓

[attendees groan]

#400

⇓

-You take my chicken? -Mm-hmm.

#401

⇓

Mac. I bet you have a boom box under that table, don't you?

#402

⇓

-Nope. -Yeah, you do. Let me see it.

#403

⇓

-I don't have one. -Let me see it.

#404

⇓

-You better do it, dude. -[Dee] Just do it.

#405

⇓

[sighs] I was... I was gonna play a cool song.

#406

⇓

-Let's see what you were gonna play. -It was fun and cool.

#407

⇓

-Kid Rock. How fun. -Bawitdaba--

#408

⇓

But we're not doing that. This is gonna be a classy evening,

#409

⇓

so I came prepared with something a little different.

#410

⇓

[♪ classical music]

#411

⇓

Oh.

#412

⇓

There we go. [sighs] Isn't that nice?

#413

⇓

-I guess. -Yeah.

#414

⇓

Well, here we are. I'm so excited to see Frank. [chuckles]

#415

⇓

Yeah. Uh... I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

#416

⇓

Mmm.

#417

⇓

-If Frank likes her, I'll like her. -Yeah.

#418

⇓

So where are they?

#419

⇓

[knocks on door]

#420

⇓

Oh. Here they are. Speak of... It's open.

#421

⇓

Well, hello. Hey, guys.

#422

⇓

Welcome. Come on in.

#423

⇓

Yeah, close the door. Yeah. Good.

#424

⇓

-Like we rehearsed. -[Artemis] Hello.

#425

⇓

[Dee] Hello.

#426

⇓

Wonderful. Well, I'm Dennis.

#427

⇓

And, uh, this is my apartment. I live here with my friend, Mac.

#428

⇓

My longtime friend. But not eternal, you know.

#429

⇓

'Cause we're not vampires. [chuckles] Obviously. [cackles]

#430

⇓

That... That'd be crazy. Um...

#431

⇓

But, yeah. Soon to have our own places.

#432

⇓

Uh, but not because we're poor. Uh, but because we're economically savvy.

#433

⇓

-And... But still quite young. -[glass clinks]

#434

⇓

[sighs]

#435

⇓

Oh, Dee, you-you were saying?

#436

⇓

Hi, I'm Dee. Frank was a great father.

#437

⇓

No.

#438

⇓

You got a great sense of humor, Frank. No.

#439

⇓

Hey, Charlie. You had a--

#440

⇓

Oh. Uh...

#441

⇓

Shoot, do I have a line?

#442

⇓

No, you were just gonna say something off the cuff, I think.

#443

⇓

Uh, I don't remember what it... I'll make something up. Um...

#444

⇓

Hey, Frank's date. Where are you from?

#445

⇓

Uh...

#446

⇓

Hello, hello.

#447

⇓

-Yes. Hello, hi. Hi, hello. Yeah, hi! -Hello.

#448

⇓

-Hi! -Hi! Hello!

#449

⇓

What is this?

#450

⇓

It's, uh--

#451

⇓

Well, you don't talk. I mean, what are you doing, man?

#452

⇓

The audience never talks to the cast of the show.

#453

⇓

Perhaps a flip to lighten the mood?

#454

⇓

-Yeah. -Yes.

#455

⇓

No, no, no, no, no. You're not gonna do a flip.

#456

⇓

Because it doesn't make sense to do a flip in the middle of a dinner for no reason.

#457

⇓

-Let your boyfriend flip. -[attendees cheer] Yeah!

#458

⇓

-He's not my boyfriend! -I'm with this guy. Let him flip.

#459

⇓

What are you doing?

#460

⇓

-Stop it. -And add one flip. You know what I mean?

#461

⇓

-Let him do just one flip. -All right, I'll do one. A quick accent.

#462

⇓

No, you're not listening! You don't understand!

#463

⇓

[sighs]

#464

⇓

You're not getting this.

#465

⇓

We are not lovers.

#466

⇓

We're simply roommates, you see.

#467

⇓

It's not so difficult to understand. Not so difficult at all.

#468

⇓

Two men entwined only by the walls that house us and the passage of time.

#469

⇓

That is all. Nothing more.

#470

⇓

We are all classy men and women alike. [chuckles]

#471

⇓

But none more classy than me. Refined and dignified

#472

⇓

and not the least bit abnormal in any way.

#473

⇓

[inhales sharply] I need you to see this.

#474

⇓

Yes?

#475

⇓

All is well and palatable and good. [chuckles]

#476

⇓

You must know this

#477

⇓

and you must reflect it as such on the cards that you've been given.

#478

⇓

Do you understand? I need this of you.

#479

⇓

You must make it so.

#480

⇓

[exhales deeply]

#481

⇓

There was another show...

#482

⇓

by the name of Family Fight

#483

⇓

and I was not properly represented on that show

#484

⇓

and I cannot and will... [shakily] ...not abide another failure of that magnitude.

#485

⇓

[Dennis breathing shakily]

#486

⇓

[stammering]

#487

⇓

I just need you to see me as... [stammering] ...I am.

#488

⇓

I need this. I need this from you.

#489

⇓

I... [stuttering]

#490

⇓

I need this from you. Please.

#491

⇓

This is amazing.

#492

⇓

What the fuck's he doing?

#493

⇓

So that's why you've been so crazed? Because you panicked on Family Fight?

#494

⇓

Yes, dude. You don't understand the humiliation.

#495

⇓

I hope for your sake you never do.

#496

⇓

Dee, how'd we score this time?

#497

⇓

-[Dennis sighs] Oh. -Uh...

#498

⇓

-Three. -Three what?

#499

⇓

The number three out of a hundred.

#500

⇓

-That's it? -Yeah, they hated it.

#501

⇓

Dennis scared the shit out of 'em.

#502

⇓

Well, look, man, forget it. Like, can we just be us, okay?

#503

⇓

We're trying to please everybody and, like, that never works, man.

#504

⇓

Like people need to get ya or they don't get ya.

#505

⇓

-You know what I'm saying? -Yes.

#506

⇓

All right. Yeah.

#507

⇓

Does anybody else think it's weird that they haven't showed up yet?

#508

⇓

-That who hasn't showed up? -Yeah.

#509

⇓

Frank, the producers. The entire TV show.

#510

⇓

I mean, we've been doing this whole thing for a while now.

#511

⇓

Oh, shit. Yeah, they should've been here by now. What's it been, like, a week?

#512

⇓

It's been a month.

#513

⇓

-We've been doing this for a month? -Yeah, it's been a month.

#514

⇓

-I think it's been a solid month. -Look up the show. Look it up.

#515

⇓

I'm gonna look it up. Give me a sec.

#516

⇓

That episode aired two weeks ago.

#517

⇓

-That's the hometown visit? -Yes.

#518

⇓

What the--

#519

⇓

[Frank through phone] This is a big day for me! I can't wait to see my--

#520

⇓

Oh! There's my family. Ah! It's so, so nice to see you.

#521

⇓

-Dad. -It's so good to see you.

#522

⇓

-Guys. -What the--

#523

⇓

-Who the hell are these people? -He replaced us.

#524

⇓

-[Charlie] He replaced us? -[Frank] It is so good to see you.

#525

⇓

They would never do anything to embarrass me in any way.

#526

⇓

-[Charlie] Dude. -Yeah.

#527

⇓

I guess he went woke. And he didn't go broke.

#528

⇓

[Charlie sighs]

#529

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#530

⇓