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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S17E07 — The Gang Gets Ready for Prime Time

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 17, Episode 7 — The Gang Gets Ready for Prime Time

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Gets Ready for Prime Time

Air date: August 13, 2025

Directors: Dave Chernin, John Chernin

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Upon learning that Frank's making a "Hometown Visit" with his Golden Bachelor partners, the Gang rehearses their family dinner to appeal to America.

Source: TMDB

↓

[cheering, applause]

applause cheering cheering-applause

↓

Coming up next week on The Golden Bachelor...

bachelor coming golden golden-bachelor week

↓

[with mouth full] I'm really excited to get back to Philly for my hometown visit.

excited full hometown mouth mouth-full philly visit

↓

I run a bar with my kids and my kids' friends.

friends kids

↓

And my roommate, who is also one of my kids' friends,

friends kids roommate

↓

who we thought was my kid. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

But we chucked his real dad off a cliff. He was already soup by that point.

cliff point real soup

↓

Anyway... [chomping] ...I want us all to have a nice dinner, get to know each other.

chomping dinner

↓

It's gonna be a really classy affair.

affair classy classy-affair

↓

Mmm.

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

We look forward to it.

forward

↓

So join us next week as we travel to Philadelphia for Frank's hometown visit.

franks hometown join philadelphia travel visit week

↓

Well... [sighs] ...you know what this means, guys.

sighs

↓

-What? -We gotta get our shit together.

↓

[♪ opening theme music plays]

music music-plays opening plays theme theme-music

↓

[♪ music stops]

music music-stops stops

↓

-[Dennis] All right. -I don't know. I don't get it.

dennis

↓

Like, why is he doing this?

↓

Oh, who knows? You know, fame, attention.

attention fame knows

↓

Maybe he just wants to bang a bunch of old ladies. It doesn't matter

bang bunch ladies matter wants

↓

'cause what does matter is how we come across when those cameras are rolling,

cameras matter rolling

↓

right? I mean, this is prime time TV we're talking about.

prime

↓

And we pop on something like this, all our hopes and dreams could come true.

dreams hopes

↓

I mean, hell... [chuckles] ...we live in a country where reality television

chuckles country live reality television

↓

could be a pathway towards being the president.

president

↓

Yeah. But what's with the scripts?

scripts

↓

Oh. Yeah, so Frank said that he wanted to have a really classy dinner.

classy dinner frank wanted

↓

And, you know, we've struggled with that a little bit in the past, admittedly.

admittedly past

↓

So I just jotted down some lines... [stammers]

lines stammers

↓

...some small talk for us to, you know, talk about over the dinner,

dinner

↓

so that we can stay away from some of the danger zones.

danger

↓

I feel like this is gonna feel too scripted, you know?

↓

-Yeah, I mean... -Well, it is.

↓

Shouldn't it be a little bit more off the cuff?

cuff

↓

-No. -[Charlie] Yeah. Like...

charlie

↓

Like, the other day I was walking down by City Hall,

city city-hall hall walking

↓

and I noticed this coyote was following me.

coyote following noticed

↓

-Really? -Right down Market Street,

market street

↓

-in broad daylight. -In Market Street?

broad daylight market street

↓

So I turned to this coyote. I got on my haunches,

coyote haunches turned

↓

'cause you gotta get down on your haunches.

haunches

↓

You gotta meet them where they are. And I'm like, "Why are you following me?"

following meet

↓

-Yeah! -[Mac] I said, "Back off,

↓

or I will stick my thumbs into your eyes." Which I've said to you before.

eyes stick thumbs

↓

No, I don't think we should be regaling audiences with tales of animal abuse.

abuse animal audiences tales

↓

-It was following him. -We're not.

following

↓

-I was the hunted, he was the hunter. -Okay. Well--

hunter

↓

Dennis. Dennis. How come I don't have any lines?

dennis dennis-dennis lines

↓

You do.

↓

"Hi, I'm Dee. Frank is a great dad." That's it.

frank

↓

-It's all you need. -No. It's not... It doesn't pop.

↓

How am I supposed to pop with this? No, I need to be slinging zingers.

slinging supposed

↓

You guys, I have a new one about a Chinese guy and his optometrist--

chinese

↓

Oh, God. No. Dee, stop doing that. No race jokes, no edge.

edge jokes race

↓

-You know, actually, no comedy at all. -What?

comedy

↓

Well, we've moved past comedy as a society.

comedy moved past society

↓

We don't want it anymore, we've decided.

anymore decided

↓

You know, it makes us think too much about, you know, our current condition.

condition current makes

↓

And then, really, we don't want to think about ourselves

↓

because it makes us feel bad about ourselves.

makes

↓

-It's confusing. -So we project onto the people

confusing project

↓

that are making us think, and we cancel 'em.

cancel

↓

-[Dee] We get mad. -I'm with Dennis.

dennis

↓

-Go woke, go broke. Right, Dennis? -Yeah, for sure, man.

broke dennis woke

↓

No. Uh, well, no. That's the opposite of what I'm saying.

opposite

↓

It sounds like what you're saying.

sounds

↓

That's pretty much what you're saying.

↓

It's not. No. She said--

↓

-We're already broke. -Yeah.

broke

↓

No, what I'm saying is if we go woke...

woke

↓

-We'll go broke? -[stutters] ...we pop.

broke stutters

↓

I want to know what all these, uh, creams and bottles are.

bottles creams

↓

-These-- What are we doing? -Ah. Yes. Um, glad you asked, Charlie.

asked charlie glad

↓

Um, those are various shampoos and tanning creams.

creams tanning various

↓

And, uh, yeah, got some Nair hair removal in there, for any unsightly hairs.

hair hair-removal hairs removal

↓

What, me?

↓

-Probably. -Well, sure. Yeah, you.

↓

Uh, but, you know, all of you.

↓

-Here's an idea, actually. -[Dee] No, not me.

idea

↓

What if instead of getting all clean, I get more dirty.

clean dirty

↓

And then Frank's like, "Oh, my God, he's dirty.

dirty franks

↓

I'm concerned about him," you know?

concerned

↓

You guys just aren't getting it, okay?

↓

You're not getting it. All right, this is bigger than just looking good, okay?

bigger looking

↓

The most important thing here is to not look bad.

↓

Hollywood actually has a system for this already in place.

hollywood place system

↓

It's called the testing process. They get together. Focus group,

called focus focus-group group process testing

↓

and they... Well, actually, we did a focus group for the last Thunder Gun movie,

focus focus-group group movie thunder

↓

-if you guys recall. -Oh, yeah, yeah.

recall

↓

And they score us on a scale of one to one hundred.

hundred scale score

↓

Then we just keep refining the dinner over and over again,

dinner

↓

until finally we land on the most perfect versions of ourselves

finally land perfect versions

↓

that will appeal to the widest possible audience and offend no one.

appeal audience offend possible

↓

That is how you make great art.

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Okay. Thank you all for coming.

coming

↓

Uh, so some of you have done these before, for movies.

movies

↓

And for some of you, I know it's your first time.

↓

But, in a bit of an unorthodox move,

unorthodox

↓

we will be watching a live performance today,

live performance today watching

↓

in preparation for the show The Golden Bachelor.

bachelor golden golden-bachelor preparation

↓

[murmuring]

murmuring

↓

Okay, so let's begin the, uh... [sighs] The show.

begin sighs

↓

[Dennis] Um...

dennis

↓

-[whispers] Tell 'em not to clap. -Excuse me?

clap excuse whispers

↓

[whispers] Well, it's, you know, it's not a play. So, they shouldn't clap or,

clap whispers

↓

you know, laugh out loud or groan or anything like that.

groan laugh loud

↓

[Dee] No. How are we supposed to know what they think is funny? Let 'em laugh.

funny laugh supposed

↓

Okay. They can laugh, but, you know, no claps.

claps laugh

↓

[Mac] I think we should keep the claps so we know what they love.

claps love

↓

[Dennis] Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Dude, you really overdid it on the tanner.

christ dennis jesus jesus-christ tanner

↓

-[Mac] Well, it's a farmer's tan. -You're not a farmer.

farmer farmers

↓

[Mac] But my guy is.

↓

Your guy? [stammers] What guy?

stammers

↓

You know what? Just start.

start

↓

Right. Uh... So, let's begin.

begin

↓

Okay.

↓

Well, here we are.

↓

Mmm.

↓

Sure can't wait to see Frank.

frank

↓

I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

lady lucky lucky-lady meet

↓

If Frank likes her, I'll like her.

frank likes

↓

So, where are they?

↓

Well, our lovable old pal Charlie is on his way over with them right now.

charlie lovable

↓

[knocks on door]

door knocks

↓

-Oh. Speak of the devil. -Huh. [chuckles]

chuckles devil speak

↓

Here they are. Come on in, guys. It's open.

open

↓

-[attendees murmur] -He's so bald.

attendees bald

↓

Hello, everybody.

everybody

↓

Frank, Frank's date, come on in.

date frank franks

↓

[attendees laugh]

attendees laugh

↓

Thanks, Charlie. I'm starving.

charlie starving thanks thanks-charlie

↓

Um, me too. Because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth.

likes mouth shove slut

↓

[Dee] Oh.

↓

Right.

↓

-[Dee chuckles] -[Charlie] So... Whoo!

charlie chuckles chuckles-charlie whoo

↓

What a day.

↓

You guys will not believe what happened to me. [chuckles]

believe chuckles happened

↓

Okay. Well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story.

interesting story

↓

But we don't want to hear it, because we're here to talk to Frank.

frank

↓

I wanna hear Charlie's story because he looks crazy.

charlies crazy story

↓

No, no, no, no. You don't want to hear his story,

story

↓

because you were gonna tell us more about yourself.

↓

-What happened to you? -[screams] You were gonna tell us more...

happened screams

↓

-Yes. -[normal] You were gonna tell us

normal

↓

-more about yourself. -I'm Mac. Uh, I love Jesus,

jesus love

↓

and therefore am not gay.

therefore

↓

-What? -I am a farmer, and I plow the fields.

farmer fields plow

↓

And that's why I have this farmer's tan, which plays in the fly-over states.

farmers plays states

↓

-That's good. -And I live with Dennis in a friendship,

dennis friendship live

↓

man-to-man, nongay role.

role

↓

-Oh, okay. Yeah. Let's not... -Right, Dennis?

dennis

↓

The more he tries to hammer it home, the more it sounds like we do do it.

hammer home sounds tries

↓

-There is no gay here. -It's irrelevant. He's gay, I'm straight.

irrelevant straight

↓

-They just live together. -Yeah. Which is totally normal

live normal

↓

-for two middle-aged men. -Right.

aged middle middle-aged

↓

-They like when I'm funny. -Don't refer to them.

funny refer

↓

They like when I'm funny.

funny

↓

-Did you notice that? -No.

notice

↓

Hey, you guys wanna hear the one about the Chinaman's doctor?

doctor

↓

-[Dee] No, no. Hang on. -They don't.

hang

↓

That is so racist.

racist

↓

I yelled at a coyote the other day. Would anyone like to see a reenactment?

coyote reenactment yelled

↓

[attendees cheering, applauding]

applauding attendees cheering

↓

[Mac] Yeah?

↓

-This is a good story. -Yeah. It came at me, and I was like--

story

↓

-[Charlie] Tell 'em what you said. -I was so super cool.

charlie cool super super-cool

↓

I was like, "Later, bro."

↓

[Charlie] No, you screamed at it.

charlie screamed

↓

Well, this was a goddamn nightmare. I mean, Charlie, what happened, dude?

charlie goddamn happened nightmare

↓

I confused the shampoo with the Nair hair removal.

confused hair hair-removal removal shampoo

↓

And then, you know, it came off.

↓

Jesus Christ, man. And, Mac, why are you back in the closet?

christ closet jesus jesus-christ

↓

I wanted to appeal to the fly-over states.

appeal states wanted

↓

Go woke, go broke. That's what you always say.

broke woke

↓

I don't say that, you say that, all right?

↓

And people were confused, all right? They think we're a couple.

confused couple

↓

Oh. Okay. Well, maybe America is ready for us.

america ready

↓

There is no us. Mac, stop trying to groom me, okay?

groom

↓

And please stop saying, "Go woke, go broke."

broke woke

↓

What'd we get? What was our score?

score whatd

↓

-Twenty-two. -Out of what?

twenty

↓

Out of a goddamn 100!

goddamn

↓

-Oh, is that low? -Yeah... That's very low.

↓

[stammers] This is exactly what I was talking about.

stammers

↓

-That's why I had a script. -[all sigh]

script sigh

↓

That being said, you know, some of these comments are a little bit confusing.

comments confusing

↓

I mean, like, they didn't like when I said, "Speak of the devil."

devil speak

↓

I didn't like that either. You know, you shouldn't speak of Satan.

satan speak

↓

-And you said, "speak of the devil." -He was speaking of the devil.

devil speak speaking

↓

-I heard that too. -It's a figure of speech.

figure heard speech

↓

-Mmm. You were speaking of Satan. -Yeah.

satan speaking

↓

America doesn't like that, and I don't like that.

america

↓

-[Dee] I don't like to represent-- -I was speaking of the person--

person represent speaking

↓

So who tested the highest?

highest tested

↓

Well... [sighs] Mac and Dee tested the highest, which is crazy.

crazy highest sighs tested

↓

-[Dee] Oh! -Oh, yeah!

↓

-Well, well done. -I didn't say you tested high.

tested

↓

I said you tested the highest, you know.

highest tested

↓

Unbelievably, they thought Dee was funny, except for the goddamn Chinaman comment.

comment except funny goddamn unbelievably

↓

Which was completely inappropriate, bitch.

bitch completely inappropriate

↓

Listen, I can take a note. I'll go woke and I'll switch to clean comedy.

clean comedy note switch woke

↓

How about no comedy at all, okay? That's what's woke.

comedy woke

↓

I mean, awaken to the fact that you're just not funny.

fact funny

↓

-Hmm. -Nah.

↓

-Dennis, what'd they like about me? -Yeah.

dennis whatd

↓

This one wanted to hear more about your bad boy tendencies?

tendencies wanted

↓

-These have to be a mistake. -I am a bad boy.

mistake

↓

Yeah. So you're gonna stick with the straight thing?

stick straight

↓

-I don't know. We'll see. -It's working for you.

working

↓

-What'd they think about me? -Well, they thought you had cancer.

cancer whatd

↓

Why?

↓

-Because you do look like you have cancer. -[Dee] Mmm.

cancer

↓

And they were confused about the volleyballs.

confused

↓

I mean, they didn't know what that was.

↓

That's crazy. What else confused them?

confused crazy

↓

Goddamn everything! I mean,

goddamn

↓

they were very confused about mine and Mac's living arrangement for some reason.

arrangement confused living macs reason

↓

Hey, uh, quick question. Who scored the lowest?

lowest question quick quick-question scored

↓

Oh.

↓

Uh... [sighs]

sighs

↓

-That's just completely unclear. -Can I see that?

completely unclear

↓

-Just for a second. -[Dennis] You know... No.

dennis second second-dennis

↓

You're not gonna get any information from it, Dee.

information

↓

-It was Dennis. -It was Dennis?

dennis

↓

Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. They thought he was bossy and he looked old.

bossy course looked

↓

I mean, somebody has to be the boss, right?

boss somebody

↓

-Of dinner? -"Why was the old man so bossy?

bossy dinner

↓

He looked haggard."

looked

↓

No, no, no. You're... Now you're making stuff up.

stuff

↓

"His features were so sunken,

features

↓

it was hard to concentrate on the story."

concentrate hard story

↓

Old? Haggard? No, these are... [stammers]

stammers

↓

No. That was a lighting thing.

lighting

↓

I gave you guys the best lighting because I knew I looked the best,

best lighting looked

↓

and I wanted you guys to look good too. And I wanted them to...

wanted

↓

They... No. Old? Come on. That's completely insane.

completely completely-insane insane

↓

[breathes heavily]

breathes heavily

↓

Get your shit together!

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Okay. Thank you all for coming. Uh...

coming

↓

Most of you are new, and I think some of you may have been at the last show.

↓

I guess you wanted to see this again. That's... That's good, I suppose.

suppose wanted

↓

Uh, well, for those of you who are new...

↓

[Mac chuckles] Ooh.

chuckles

↓

Great crowd out there.

crowd

↓

-What are you wearing? -Oh.

wearing

↓

I'm going for the bad guy in Commando look.

commando

↓

You know, like, "Who's straighter than that?"

↓

Dude, you look like Freddie Mercury.

freddie

↓

Oh, cool. He's like the straightest man alive.

alive cool

↓

He couldn't have been more gay. I mean, he was in a band called Queen.

band called queen

↓

You know what? If you want to look straight, go grab the duster or something.

duster grab straight

↓

-What's with the face tape? -This? Well, it's just, you know...

face tape

↓

It's a way to kind of tighten the skin up a little bit.

skin tighten

↓

Give me a more youthful appearance. You know what I mean?

appearance

↓

Okay.

↓

-What is this? -[sighs]

sighs

↓

It's just a clean comedy look. It's classic.

classic clean comedy

↓

-[squeaks] -[stammers]

squeaks stammers

↓

[stammers] Can we not, okay? I mean, a rubber chicken?

chicken rubber stammers

↓

-Are you ser-- -Yeah. Come on.

↓

-Is this tape coming off? Goddamn it. -You got tape on your face?

coming face goddamn goddamn-it tape

↓

-Yeah, and it's not sticking very well. -I think you need more.

sticking

↓

You think I need more of it?

↓

Well, yeah. You said you wanted to look youthful, yeah?

wanted

↓

Yeah. I don't want to look crazy. Maybe I'll just tighten it up a little bit.

crazy tighten

↓

-Yeah. -A little bit. Yeah.

↓

-Yeah. Okay. All right. -Yeah.

↓

So, without further ado, let's begin.

begin further

↓

Oh.

↓

Stop.

↓

-[toy squeaks] -Oh!

squeaks

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

Well. [sighs] Here we are. Uh... I sure am excited to see Frank.

excited frank sighs

↓

Oh, gosh. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

gosh lady lucky lucky-lady meet

↓

Yeah. Frank likes her, I'll like her.

frank likes

↓

-Okay. -Yeah. I wonder where they are.

wonder

↓

Oh, well, our lovable old pal Charlie's on his way over with them right now.

charlies lovable

↓

[knocks on door]

door knocks

↓

-Oh. [chuckles] -Look at that.

chuckles

↓

Speak of the... [stammers] Speak of the guy.

speak stammers

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

Here they are. Oh, it's open.

open

↓

Hello, everybody.

everybody

↓

Say hello to Frank and Frank's date.

date frank franks

↓

Heya, gang.

gang

↓

-I'm getting paid for this, right? -Yeah, yeah.

paid

↓

Well, come on in. Hey, Charlie. How you doin', man?

charlie doin

↓

Not sure why you're doing that accent, you know? [cackles]

accent cackles

↓

Pretty confusing, you know. I must not have heard you correctly,

confusing correctly heard must

↓

because you are from right here in Philadelphia.

philadelphia

↓

-No, that's not true actually. -It is.

↓

No, I'm from Eastern European territory.

eastern eastern-european european territory

↓

-Uh... So, what's for dinner? -[Dennis sighs]

dennis dennis-sighs dinner sighs

↓

-Beet soup, I hope. -[attendees laugh]

attendees hope laugh soup

↓

-Stop it. -What are you doing?

↓

I'm just talking in my natural European way.

european natural

↓

I like it, because white people doing funny accents is not woke.

accents funny white woke

↓

I thought we were doing woke.

woke

↓

Shut up!

↓

[attendees booing]

attendees booing

↓

[whispering]

whispering

↓

Sorry about that.

↓

So, Frank and Frank's date, I'm Dennis.

date dennis frank franks

↓

Um... I live here with Mac in a totally age-appropriate and platonic relationship.

appropriate live platonic relationship

↓

But like you, Frank, I hope to meet my special someone someday.

frank hope meet someday special

↓

Meh.

↓

Yeah. [smacks lips]

lips smacks smacks-lips

↓

[attendees laughing]

attendees laughing

↓

-Where the hell did that come from? -Oh.

↓

[cheering, applauding]

applauding cheering

↓

Oh, okay. It was funny. It was funny.

funny

↓

When I'm not palling around with Dennis platonically in the bedroom,

bedroom dennis palling

↓

I like to strap on my leathers and perform badass stunts.

badass perform strap stunts

↓

Would anyone like to see a backflip?

↓

[chuckles] Okay. Well, hey now, let's not encourage him.

chuckles encourage

↓

He can't actually do one.

↓

-[Charlie] He can't. -Right? No, he can't.

charlie

↓

[attendees laughing]

attendees laughing

↓

So, guys, guess how much me and this broad banged boots?

banged boots broad

↓

Tell 'em, honey.

honey

↓

-[Dee] What are you doing? -Do I have a line?

line

↓

-No. -I didn't get a script.

script

↓

No. Artemis, can you stick to the script?

artemis script stick

↓

The script's a little thin, so I'm trying to just ad-lib.

scripts thin

↓

[♪ "Warrior" playing]

playing warrior

↓

What are you doing?

↓

I'm doing a goddamn backflip.

goddamn

↓

You can't stop me.

↓

Because the power of Christ compels me.

christ power

↓

-Badass. -Stop.

badass

↓

[all scream]

scream

↓

Oh, no. Oh.

↓

Seventy-five. Am I reading that right?

five reading

↓

-Yeah. That's a big improvement. -Wow. We did great.

improvement

↓

It was a goddamn circus. What are you guys talking about?

circus goddamn

↓

No... [stammers] Charlie, why did you do an accent?

accent charlie stammers

↓

Well, dude, I look weird. I don't feel like myself.

weird

↓

So I figured I'd be someone different.

figured

↓

Like that funny cousin in Perfect Strangers? Remember that guy?

cousin funny perfect remember strangers

↓

-Yes. -Yeah. No, I like you doing a character,

character

↓

but don't make it funny. I got the jokes covered.

covered funny jokes

↓

-Oh. Do you, Dee? -[Dee] I'm the funny...

funny

↓

Do you? Because this card says,

card

↓

"The one in the plaid suit seemed sad and desperate.

desperate seemed suit

↓

And I was only laughing because I was so uncomfortable."

laughing uncomfortable

↓

Oh, yeah? You know what this one says?

↓

-What? -"What's with the angry man

angry

↓

with the old face who's constantly yelling at his boyfriend?"

boyfriend constantly face yelling

↓

I could not have made it more clear that he's not my boyfriend!

boyfriend clear

↓

-You kept saying it over and over. -Oh, my God.

↓

And how could I possibly look old? I mean, no.

possibly

↓

Who scored the highest?

highest scored

↓

I think you did.

↓

Oh, yeah? Let me see.

↓

"I love when the vampire slayer busted out the crucifix on his old vampire lover."

busted crucifix love lover vampire

↓

-Me? "Old vampire lover"? -[Mac laughing]

laughing lover vampire

↓

Let's lean into that. Yeah, I can be like a vanilla Blade,

blade lean vanilla

↓

and I could stab you in the heart with the crucifix and be...

crucifix heart stab

↓

-Stop! Goddamn it. -And then you kiss...

goddamn goddamn-it kiss

↓

For the love of God, stop.

love

↓

Okay, all right. You know what?

↓

[clicks tongue] You two will limit your exchanges

clicks clicks-tongue limit tongue

↓

to "hello," "yes" and "no." And that's it.

↓

And the rest of you will refrain from doing accents or personas of any kind.

accents refrain rest

↓

I will do all the costumes, hair and makeup.

costumes hair makeup

↓

And there will be no other surprises at all.

surprises

↓

And so help me God, we will get this right!

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

I mean, I get a vampire vibe off that, right?

vampire vibe

↓

-Do you not? -[shushes] We're gonna get slashed.

shushes

↓

Yeah, like a Count Dracula thing.

count dracula

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Okay. Thank you all for coming.

coming

↓

I see mostly familiar faces, so welcome back.

faces familiar mostly welcome

↓

That crowd is amped.

amped crowd

↓

-Yeah, well... -Oh, yeah?

↓

...too bad Dennis cut everything they liked.

dennis liked

↓

Come on, Dee. No, trust me. Trust me. Guys, this is exactly what America wants.

america trust wants

↓

Didn't it start, like, here, and then go up and over? Like it would...

start

↓

No, no. I mean, you're not a werewolf.

↓

I'm thinking of Teen Wolf, aren't I?

teen thinking wolf

↓

-I think so. Yeah. -I'm just blown away, man.

blown

↓

I just, like, don't know how you got the wig that good, you know?

↓

Like, do you wear a wig? This is crazy, dude.

crazy wear

↓

[wheezing] Do I wear a wig? No. Nonsense.

nonsense wear wheezing

↓

-For real, though. Do you? -Stop!

real

↓

Dude. All right, fine, man. I'm just thinking, it's so good, man.

thinking

↓

-Just... -All right, the show's gonna start.

shows start

↓

Do you have time to do yourself, and then we'll get going?

↓

What do you mean? I did do me.

↓

-Oh, you're all done? -Yeah, I put the... Do I need more tape?

tape

↓

Uh... Well...

↓

Oh. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

-We should bow. We should bow. -Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

-No, don't bow. Don't bow. -But they're clapping so much.

clapping

↓

I know. Don't, like... Don't even notice that they're there.

notice

↓

[attendees groan]

attendees groan

↓

-You take my chicken? -Mm-hmm.

chicken

↓

Mac. I bet you have a boom box under that table, don't you?

boom table

↓

-Nope. -Yeah, you do. Let me see it.

nope

↓

-I don't have one. -Let me see it.

↓

-You better do it, dude. -[Dee] Just do it.

↓

[sighs] I was... I was gonna play a cool song.

cool sighs song

↓

-Let's see what you were gonna play. -It was fun and cool.

cool fun

↓

-Kid Rock. How fun. -Bawitdaba--

fun rock

↓

But we're not doing that. This is gonna be a classy evening,

classy evening

↓

so I came prepared with something a little different.

prepared

↓

[♪ classical music]

classical classical-music music

↓

Oh.

↓

There we go. [sighs] Isn't that nice?

sighs

↓

-I guess. -Yeah.

↓

Well, here we are. I'm so excited to see Frank. [chuckles]

chuckles excited frank

↓

Yeah. Uh... I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

lady lucky lucky-lady meet

↓

Mmm.

↓

-If Frank likes her, I'll like her. -Yeah.

frank likes

↓

So where are they?

↓

[knocks on door]

door knocks

↓

Oh. Here they are. Speak of... It's open.

open speak

↓

Well, hello. Hey, guys.

↓

Welcome. Come on in.

welcome

↓

Yeah, close the door. Yeah. Good.

close door

↓

-Like we rehearsed. -[Artemis] Hello.

artemis rehearsed

↓

[Dee] Hello.

↓

Wonderful. Well, I'm Dennis.

dennis

↓

And, uh, this is my apartment. I live here with my friend, Mac.

apartment friend live

↓

My longtime friend. But not eternal, you know.

eternal friend

↓

'Cause we're not vampires. [chuckles] Obviously. [cackles]

cackles chuckles obviously

↓

That... That'd be crazy. Um...

crazy thatd

↓

But, yeah. Soon to have our own places.

places

↓

Uh, but not because we're poor. Uh, but because we're economically savvy.

poor savvy

↓

-And... But still quite young. -[glass clinks]

clinks glass young

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

Oh, Dee, you-you were saying?

↓

Hi, I'm Dee. Frank was a great father.

father frank

↓

No.

↓

You got a great sense of humor, Frank. No.

frank humor sense

↓

Hey, Charlie. You had a--

charlie

↓

Oh. Uh...

↓

Shoot, do I have a line?

line shoot

↓

No, you were just gonna say something off the cuff, I think.

cuff

↓

Uh, I don't remember what it... I'll make something up. Um...

remember

↓

Hey, Frank's date. Where are you from?

date franks

↓

Uh...

↓

Hello, hello.

↓

-Yes. Hello, hi. Hi, hello. Yeah, hi! -Hello.

↓

-Hi! -Hi! Hello!

↓

What is this?

↓

It's, uh--

↓

Well, you don't talk. I mean, what are you doing, man?

↓

The audience never talks to the cast of the show.

audience cast talks

↓

Perhaps a flip to lighten the mood?

flip lighten mood perhaps

↓

-Yeah. -Yes.

↓

No, no, no, no, no. You're not gonna do a flip.

flip

↓

Because it doesn't make sense to do a flip in the middle of a dinner for no reason.

dinner flip middle reason sense

↓

-Let your boyfriend flip. -[attendees cheer] Yeah!

attendees boyfriend cheer flip

↓

-He's not my boyfriend! -I'm with this guy. Let him flip.

boyfriend flip

↓

What are you doing?

↓

-Stop it. -And add one flip. You know what I mean?

flip

↓

-Let him do just one flip. -All right, I'll do one. A quick accent.

accent flip quick

↓

No, you're not listening! You don't understand!

listening

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

You're not getting this.

↓

We are not lovers.

lovers

↓

We're simply roommates, you see.

roommates simply

↓

It's not so difficult to understand. Not so difficult at all.

difficult

↓

Two men entwined only by the walls that house us and the passage of time.

house passage walls

↓

That is all. Nothing more.

↓

We are all classy men and women alike. [chuckles]

alike chuckles classy women

↓

But none more classy than me. Refined and dignified

classy refined

↓

and not the least bit abnormal in any way.

least

↓

[inhales sharply] I need you to see this.

inhales inhales-sharply sharply

↓

Yes?

↓

All is well and palatable and good. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

You must know this

must

↓

and you must reflect it as such on the cards that you've been given.

cards given must reflect

↓

Do you understand? I need this of you.

↓

You must make it so.

must

↓

[exhales deeply]

deeply exhales

↓

There was another show...

another

↓

by the name of Family Fight

family family-fight fight name

↓

and I was not properly represented on that show

properly represented

↓

and I cannot and will... [shakily] ...not abide another failure of that magnitude.

another cannot failure magnitude shakily

↓

[Dennis breathing shakily]

breathing breathing-shakily dennis shakily

↓

[stammering]

stammering

↓

I just need you to see me as... [stammering] ...I am.

stammering

↓

I need this. I need this from you.

↓

I... [stuttering]

stuttering

↓

I need this from you. Please.

↓

This is amazing.

amazing

↓

What the fuck's he doing?

fucks

↓

So that's why you've been so crazed? Because you panicked on Family Fight?

crazed family family-fight fight panicked

↓

Yes, dude. You don't understand the humiliation.

humiliation

↓

I hope for your sake you never do.

hope sake

↓

Dee, how'd we score this time?

howd score

↓

-[Dennis sighs] Oh. -Uh...

dennis dennis-sighs sighs

↓

-Three. -Three what?

three three-three

↓

The number three out of a hundred.

hundred number number-three three

↓

-That's it? -Yeah, they hated it.

hated

↓

Dennis scared the shit out of 'em.

dennis scared

↓

Well, look, man, forget it. Like, can we just be us, okay?

forget

↓

We're trying to please everybody and, like, that never works, man.

everybody works

↓

Like people need to get ya or they don't get ya.

↓

-You know what I'm saying? -Yes.

↓

All right. Yeah.

↓

Does anybody else think it's weird that they haven't showed up yet?

anybody showed weird

↓

-That who hasn't showed up? -Yeah.

showed

↓

Frank, the producers. The entire TV show.

entire frank producers

↓

I mean, we've been doing this whole thing for a while now.

whole

↓

Oh, shit. Yeah, they should've been here by now. What's it been, like, a week?

shouldve week

↓

It's been a month.

month

↓

-We've been doing this for a month? -Yeah, it's been a month.

month

↓

-I think it's been a solid month. -Look up the show. Look it up.

month solid

↓

I'm gonna look it up. Give me a sec.

↓

That episode aired two weeks ago.

aired episode weeks

↓

-That's the hometown visit? -Yes.

hometown visit

↓

What the--

↓

[Frank through phone] This is a big day for me! I can't wait to see my--

frank phone

↓

Oh! There's my family. Ah! It's so, so nice to see you.

family

↓

-Dad. -It's so good to see you.

↓

-Guys. -What the--

↓

-Who the hell are these people? -He replaced us.

replaced

↓

-[Charlie] He replaced us? -[Frank] It is so good to see you.

charlie frank replaced

↓

They would never do anything to embarrass me in any way.

embarrass

↓

-[Charlie] Dude. -Yeah.

charlie

↓

I guess he went woke. And he didn't go broke.

broke woke

↓

[Charlie sighs]

charlie charlie-sighs sighs

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music