Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S17E06 — Overage Drinking - A National Concern

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 17, Episode 6 — Overage Drinking - A National Concern

- [Mac] They are really going at it. - [Dee] Lot of tongue.

#1

⇓

[Dennis] Too much tongue.

#2

⇓

I think it's kind of weird that we're watching them, right?

#3

⇓

Well, it's hot. I think it'd be weird if we didn't watch them.

#4

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They are super young though.

#5

⇓

- [Dennis] Yeah. - In fact, everybody here is super young.

#6

⇓

- [Dee] Oh, goddamn. - Oh, come on.

#7

⇓

- Hey, are you 21? - Yeah, what does it look like?

#8

⇓

Yeah, fuck off, grandpa.

#9

⇓

- [Dee gasps] - [Mac] Oh.

#10

⇓

- The mouth on him. - [Dennis] I mean

#11

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- [Dee] Heinous. - Wait a second.

#12

⇓

Didn't we, like, just deal with this?

#13

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[Dee] We just dealt with something like this.

#14

⇓

- We did, right? - Not long ago.

#15

⇓

All right, let's kick 'em out.

#16

⇓

- Goddamn it, Son. - [son] Shit.

#17

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- Oh, my God. - [parent] I can't believe you're in a bar.

#18

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[parent 2] You are in so much trouble.

#19

⇓

How many times do we have to tell you to stay away from her?

#20

⇓

We're in love.

#21

⇓

Yeah, and there's nothing you can do about it.

#22

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- [Mac] Ooh. - Oh, my God. That was riveting.

#23

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[Dee] Yeah, turned into a real Romeo and Juliet thing,

#24

⇓

- didn't it? - Yeah.

#25

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[parent 1] I don't know what to do with him.

#26

⇓

- He's gotta stop drinking. - [Dennis] Hey, guys.

#27

⇓

You guys look familiar.

#28

⇓

Yeah, you do too.

#29

⇓

Hang on a second. What are your names?

#30

⇓

I'm Trey. This is Tammy.

#31

⇓

Oh, shit. This is classic Tammy.

#32

⇓

- [all speak indistinct

#33

⇓

[Charlie whispering] Trey and Tammy were lovers in high school,

#34

⇓

but she wanted to make Trey jealous by flirting with Dennis.

#35

⇓

Dee tried to bang Trey, but he was only using her

#36

⇓

to get back at Tammy and it worked.

#37

⇓

They slept together on their prom night.

#38

⇓

They had a baby that they named Trey Jr.

#39

⇓

Trey Jr.'s in love with that girl named Kerry Bitaberry,

#40

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but Trey and Tammy hate Kerry Bitaberry

#41

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because the Bitaberry family is trash, which they are.

#42

⇓

Dennis and Dee are, like, super obsessed with Trey and Tammy still.

#43

⇓

I can pretty much tell by their body language.

#44

⇓

I think they're gonna try to bang them.

#45

⇓

Huh? Did you say something? I wasn't listening.

#46

⇓

[whispering] Oh, yeah. That's Trey and Tammy.

#47

⇓

They were lovers in high school. Tammy tried to bang--

#48

⇓

Dude, I don't give a flying fuck about any of this gossipy bullshit.

#49

⇓

- You're not into teen drama? - No, because I am an adult.

#50

⇓

And I like adult stories, like a sexual psychological thriller, you know?

#51

⇓

This has no weight to it.

#52

⇓

Well, this has been fun catching up.

#53

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- [Dee] Yeah. - We're done? Okay.

#54

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Yeah. Yeah, you know, we should do this more often.

#55

⇓

It's so hard to believe we haven't seen each other since high school.

#56

⇓

- Yeah. - Well, since we were in high school.

#57

⇓

You were 30.

#58

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Okay. Well, let's not do that, you know? Time's all in your head, Tammy.

#59

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And in your ass, apparently.

#60

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- She's just making a joke. You look great. - It's true.

#61

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Well, if our son ever comes back in here again,

#62

⇓

can you please send him home? Or at least not sell him alcohol?

#63

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Speaking of which. I assume you will be picking up the tab, yeah?

#64

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'Cause they kind of hustled out of here and you are legal guardians.

#65

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Yeah. I actually think that's a law.

#66

⇓

I think you have to pick up your child's tab if

#67

⇓

Here. Let's go.

#68

⇓

- You gave him way too much-- Okay. - Now.

#69

⇓

Oh, man.

#70

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- What a trip down memory lane, huh? - [door opens, closes]

#71

⇓

- Trey looks good. - Yeah, so does Tammy.

#72

⇓

Yeah, sometimes I feel like she might be the one that got away.

#73

⇓

Hey, did you sense something off between them?

#74

⇓

Something was off, right? It was all in the body language.

#75

⇓

Yeah, there was a strain there, right? Right?

#76

⇓

There was a strain there. God, that's hot.

#77

⇓

- Is it? - Married, forbidden lust.

#78

⇓

- Uh-huh. - Ooh.

#79

⇓

I bet those two are just screaming for some strange.

#80

⇓

Yeah.

#81

⇓

[Charlie] This is classic Dee and Dennis stuff.

#82

⇓

I think they're gonna try to sleep with those two people

#83

⇓

that don't want to sleep with them at all.

#84

⇓

It's probably gonna wind up in a rape or a murder.

#85

⇓

What?

#86

⇓

Jesus Christ, man.

#87

⇓

You know we can hear you? I would never do that.

#88

⇓

- Well - [sighs] Don't tell her though.

#89

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#90

⇓

[Dee] This is very exciting. I got a couple of bits planned,

#91

⇓

- so just let me do my thing. - Oh, you Don't do bits.

#92

⇓

No, no. Trust me.

#93

⇓

Dee, I think let's throw 'em off the scent at first.

#94

⇓

- I don't see how that's gonna be possible - [bell rings]

#95

⇓

- with all that cologne you're wearing. - That's actually not a cologne.

#96

⇓

No, that's a pheromone serum I heard about on Rogan. Super cool, man.

#97

⇓

It's like testicular fluid from, like, a bull's prostate or something like that.

#98

⇓

I know it sounds strange, but it's scientifically proven

#99

⇓

to intimidate males and drive females wild.

#100

⇓

Human females?

#101

⇓

Focus, Dee. Stop. All right, listen.

#102

⇓

Listen, once we get in there, let's split off by gender, okay?

#103

⇓

I'll have a man-to-man talk with Trey, and you do, I don't know,

#104

⇓

whatever it is that you females do when you're alone with each other.

#105

⇓

And then let's find an excuse to split off again--

#106

⇓

- Uh, take a shit. - Too gross.

#107

⇓

Well, it's A shit is all I can think about.

#108

⇓

It's overwhelming, the smell that's coming off of you.

#109

⇓

The smell isn't coming off right to you.

#110

⇓

It's a pheromonal thing because you're my sister, okay?

#111

⇓

If it was working on you, then we'd have a real problem,

#112

⇓

- wouldn't we? - That would be bad. All right.

#113

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- Hey, Tammy. Hi. - Tammy, we were just in the neighborhood,

#114

⇓

so we thought we'd just swing by and say hi.

#115

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- Yeah. - Oh. Hello.

#116

⇓

Are you expecting somebody else?

#117

⇓

No, no. I was just wondering what that smell was.

#118

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- Oh. - I guess the lawn got fertilized. So

#119

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Oh.

#120

⇓

No, I think maybe, you're

#121

⇓

Maybe you're smelling a cool spring breeze?

#122

⇓

Perhaps some freshly hung laundry.

#123

⇓

Did one of you step in dog shit?

#124

⇓

- I don't think so. - I know I didn't.

#125

⇓

Okay, well, come on in. Take your shoes off.

#126

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- [Tammy] Jesus. - No problem.

#127

⇓

Don't. Just don't.

#128

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#129

⇓

[door opens]

#130

⇓

Hey, dude. All right. Thanks for coming over, man.

#131

⇓

[groans] I need your help with something.

#132

⇓

- [sighs] - Okay, w [sniffs]

#133

⇓

That smell. Has Dennis been here? I feel both intimidated and aroused.

#134

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Know what that is? That's the old piss cans.

#135

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I haven't changed them in, like, forever.

#136

⇓

Is that why you asked me over here?

#137

⇓

No. Look, remember when you said, like,

#138

⇓

you wanted, like, a sexual psychological thriller thing?

#139

⇓

You were more into those kind of stories.

#140

⇓

You wanna sink your teeth into something like that,

#141

⇓

you know what I mean? I got something for you.

#142

⇓

I'm listening.

#143

⇓

All right, take a look around this place.

#144

⇓

Something's missing. What is it?

#145

⇓

- A vacuum. - Stop. Come on, man. Be serious.

#146

⇓

I am dead serious. Buddy, how I don't get it.

#147

⇓

I mean, how can you be so obsessed with cleaning the bar

#148

⇓

and yet you live in all this piss and shit?

#149

⇓

Dude, it's Frank.

#150

⇓

- It's both of you. - Will you stop? It's Frank that's missing.

#151

⇓

Well, how is that a psychological sex thriller?

#152

⇓

Well, I don't know what it is, but it's strange, you know what I mean?

#153

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Like, he didn't come home last night.

#154

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He hasn't been at the bar recently.

#155

⇓

Like some of his stuff's missing, you know?

#156

⇓

I keep finding these, like, weird piles of hair everywhere.

#157

⇓

The piles of hair could be from any one

#158

⇓

of the wild animals that probably lives here.

#159

⇓

Well, you gotta admit it's kind of strange.

#160

⇓

Well, I'm not exactly thrilled, so it's not a thriller.

#161

⇓

But it is a mystery, I'll give you that. Okay, I'll bite.

#162

⇓

Where do you and Frank go when you're not together?

#163

⇓

Well, if we're not together, we don't go anywhere.

#164

⇓

- Well, right now you're not together. - Well, I'm here.

#165

⇓

I recognize where you are.

#166

⇓

What we're trying to do is find out where Frank is.

#167

⇓

- Oh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay.

#168

⇓

Uh, he could be anywhere, you know?

#169

⇓

He could go under the bridge. He goes there a lot.

#170

⇓

- All right, we're getting somewhere. - Yeah.

#171

⇓

- Okay, I guess we gotta go - Check under the bridge. All right, cool.

#172

⇓

Yeah, you see? You're pretty good at this.

#173

⇓

- That rules out anything sexy. - Yeah.

#174

⇓

- Yeah. Okay, let's go. - All right.

#175

⇓

ere he is.

#176

⇓

I thought you were taking a shit.

#177

⇓

No. Come on, don't be silly.

#178

⇓

It's just the excuse I made to sort of peel off and be alone with you.

#179

⇓

You were in the bathroom for, like, 20 minutes.

#180

⇓

Yeah, I took a shit. But you know what? That's your fault, mister.

#181

⇓

Because you get things moving inside me, you know?

#182

⇓

- That's kind of gross. - Okay.

#183

⇓

Listen, I'm trying to take a shot here, but you're making it hard.

#184

⇓

Take a shot with what?

#185

⇓

Like a suburban married drama, you know? A little infidelity.

#186

⇓

Okay. Look

#187

⇓

If I'm being honest, uh, things aren't great between me and Tammy,

#188

⇓

- Ooh. - like sexually-wise right now.

#189

⇓

Maybe spicing things up in the bedroom might help.

#190

⇓

Yes. Okay, now you're talking.

#191

⇓

Okay. All right, let me finish up this laundry and then we can slip out of here.

#192

⇓

You always do the laundry?

#193

⇓

Yeah, and Tammy gets pissed if I do it half-assed.

#194

⇓

But I told her that I'd pick some things up

#195

⇓

at the supermarket after I walk the dogs.

#196

⇓

So, I could sneak out after lunch.

#197

⇓

So you do the grocery shopping, and you walk the dogs too?

#198

⇓

- And the laundry? - I do, yeah. Yeah.

#199

⇓

- Do you do the dishes? - I do.

#200

⇓

Tammy makes all the money, I don't know what to tell you.

#201

⇓

But like, I got some things on the side.

#202

⇓

I've been killing it at fantasy football.

#203

⇓

I gotta take a shit.

#204

⇓

- Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. - [chuckles]

#205

⇓

It's so great to be alone finally, isn't it?

#206

⇓

God, I swear there's a dead animal in here somewhere.

#207

⇓

There's no dead animal in here.

#208

⇓

- Might have to fumigate the entire house. - Enough with the smells. Let's

#209

⇓

Let's focus on the feelings.

#210

⇓

The feelings?

#211

⇓

Yeah, well, you're feeling trapped. You're feeling depressed.

#212

⇓

Life used to be so exciting, and now it's dull and dreary.

#213

⇓

Well, being married isn't the easiest thing in the world.

#214

⇓

I can only imagine. I wouldn't know though.

#215

⇓

Yeah, I live free. Like a wild beast.

#216

⇓

Okay.

#217

⇓

Maybe Trey's gotten a little bit too complacent.

#218

⇓

Maybe old Tammy needs to take a page out of young Tammy's notebook.

#219

⇓

What are you talking about?

#220

⇓

Let's bang and make Trey jealous.

#221

⇓

[scoffs]

#222

⇓

Oh, God. That's what this is about?

#223

⇓

Yeah.

#224

⇓

I'm not gonna bang you.

#225

⇓

- Well - Uh-uh.

#226

⇓

I have to take a shit.

#227

⇓

[Dennis sighs]

#228

⇓

- Trey's a pussy. I couldn't do it. - Yeah, I couldn't do it either.

#229

⇓

Tammy was all over me, but I found the whole thing boring.

#230

⇓

You know why? Because it's adult drama.

#231

⇓

That's why it's boring.

#232

⇓

Teen drama is exciting 'cause everything's brand-new.

#233

⇓

Adult stuff's just the same thing over and over and over and over.

#234

⇓

Yeah. See, teen drama's forged in lust.

#235

⇓

Adult drama's forged in sadness.

#236

⇓

So sad. He was folding the laundry.

#237

⇓

- What? - He does that every day.

#238

⇓

- She should be doing that. - Of course she should.

#239

⇓

You know what else? He goes grocery shopping.

#240

⇓

What? Why?

#241

⇓

Because he's a pussy like I said.

#242

⇓

Oh. Okay. Well, let's get out of here 'cause I do have to take shit for real.

#243

⇓

Not me.

#244

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#245

⇓

I'm actually getting a little worried about Frank, man.

#246

⇓

All right, well, don't get melodramatic. This isn't a soap opera.

#247

⇓

Why do they call 'em that? There's no soap involved.

#248

⇓

- And no singing. - Right? Nothing operatic about it.

#249

⇓

No, not sure. Either way, it's not the kind of mystery we want.

#250

⇓

You see, we want a rising tension to make the comedy or tragedy

#251

⇓

feel more satisfying in the end.

#252

⇓

The wha The tragedy?

#253

⇓

Yeah. We don't know what this is yet, Charlie.

#254

⇓

Well, how would a tragedy feel satisfying?

#255

⇓

Well, okay. What if we came down here and we found Frank

#256

⇓

with a bullet in his head and a suicide note?

#257

⇓

- Not satisfying. - Not satisfying. Very tragic.

#258

⇓

However, there could be an overall poetic sense of completion

#259

⇓

to his inevitable story arc

#260

⇓

due to Frank's historically terrible life choices.

#261

⇓

And somehow, as a viewer,

#262

⇓

- I would feel satisfied by the - There would be a subconscious

#263

⇓

Yeah, that's not gonna work for me at all, man.

#264

⇓

What the hell are you talking about, dude?

#265

⇓

- Well, it's the hero's journey. - There he is.

#266

⇓

[Charlie] Cricket. Hey, man.

#267

⇓

Shit. What's good, baby? What's popping?

#268

⇓

What's with the, uh, dreadlocks and the voice you're doing?

#269

⇓

Oh. Yeah no, ain't no voice, baby.

#270

⇓

I'm just evolving right down here under the bridge, you know what I mean?

#271

⇓

Just trying to spread my business to a more diverse clientele,

#272

⇓

- you know what I mean? - [Mac] No. I don't feel you, no.

#273

⇓

I feel like this is not cool. Like, is this a good plot twist?

#274

⇓

- What is this? - This is

#275

⇓

There's nothing good about this. This is giving me the ick.

#276

⇓

Yeah, this is just

#277

⇓

I feel like we're dancing around a very dangerous line here.

#278

⇓

You know, just having, like, a white guy talking like, you know,

#279

⇓

"What it is, man?" Is not I'm just doing Cricket.

#280

⇓

- I'm just doing Cricket. Right? - We're not supposed to do it.

#281

⇓

We're past it as a society.

#282

⇓

It's okay for the detective to make fun of the suspect.

#283

⇓

Hold up. Why y'all saying suspect? Am I a suspect?

#284

⇓

Well, we don't know what you are yet, do we, Cricket?

#285

⇓

If this got something to do with that john who got his dick bit off,

#286

⇓

I don't know shit, all right? I wasn't there, and I didn't see shit.

#287

⇓

And I don't know where the dick is, okay?

#288

⇓

- You bit a dude's dick off, man? - No, I didn't bite it. No, no.

#289

⇓

They take the dick, and I don't know what they do with it,

#290

⇓

and I don't ask, okay?

#291

⇓

- Who's they? - Who's they?

#292

⇓

It doesn't matter 'cause I don't know shit, and I'm not talking.

#293

⇓

I'm gonna blow past this, especially 'cause I feel uncomfortable

#294

⇓

with you talking like this. Where's Frank?

#295

⇓

Whoa.

#296

⇓

- Now, that I really can't talk about. - Why not?

#297

⇓

Well, he made me sign an NDA, so this cricket ain't chirping.

#298

⇓

An NDA? That's good. That brings us right back around to a mystery.

#299

⇓

How's that good, dude?

#300

⇓

It means there's a paper trail. Cricket, do you have a copy of this NDA?

#301

⇓

Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

#302

⇓

Stop with this, dude. Stop. I'm gonna kick the shit out of you, man.

#303

⇓

- Don't step to me. - [Charlie] Okay, all right.

#304

⇓

- All right, I won't. I won't, but - [Mac] Don't step to him.

#305

⇓

I need to know where Frank is, bro.

#306

⇓

All right. You know You know Goddamn, fine.

#307

⇓

I'll give you this, but then your Marian the Librarian ass

#308

⇓

has gotta roll up out of here. Man, y'all blowing up my spot.

#309

⇓

- What is Marian the Librarian? - The Music Man . Know your culture.

#310

⇓

I feel so uncomfortable with this whole thing.

#311

⇓

"Matthew Mara is hereby barred from any communication

#312

⇓

about Frank Reynolds or Frank will sue his ass."

#313

⇓

Well, that doesn't help us at all, dude.

#314

⇓

Yes, it does. Look who his lawyer is.

#315

⇓

- Who? - Jack Kelly, attorney-at-lawyering.

#316

⇓

Okay, you're sure this wouldn't be better to handle at my office?

#317

⇓

You have an office? That in itself is a mysterious twist.

#318

⇓

No, he doesn't. He's talking about my mom's basement.

#319

⇓

I have a filing cabinet and a computer.

#320

⇓

You have a filing cabinet until the FBI comes.

#321

⇓

[stammering]

#322

⇓

It's so annoying we got to go through him.

#323

⇓

- [Jack] Okay, all right. - What is the deal with Frank and this NDA?

#324

⇓

He's been getting some of his affairs in order.

#325

⇓

What does that mean, his affairs? What's going on with him? Where is the guy?

#326

⇓

Okay, well, he passed info to me,

#327

⇓

but I only have permission to show Charlie.

#328

⇓

Why?

#329

⇓

Well, because he's the one listed as the president of Frank's foundation.

#330

⇓

Okay. Well, this is news to me. I'm sorry, what foundation?

#331

⇓

Yeah, and what's my role in the foundation?

#332

⇓

Um

#333

⇓

Well, I'm not seeing you listed anywhere in here.

#334

⇓

That's impossible. Frank's always talking about me, isn't he?

#335

⇓

And how I should be more involved in his affairs.

#336

⇓

I'm gonna tell Charlie,

#337

⇓

and then after I leave, he can tell you if he likes.

#338

⇓

This is bullshit.

#339

⇓

Charlie, there's gotta be room for me in the foundation.

#340

⇓

I don't know. You know, there's a lot to think about

#341

⇓

now that I'm president, you know what I mean?

#342

⇓

I gotta find Frank. I gotta find out what I'm president of.

#343

⇓

You know, these are big decisions.

#344

⇓

They're kinda over your head, man.

#345

⇓

Yeah. All right, I'm gonna pass the info to you, okay?

#346

⇓

- Whoa! I didn't sign off on that maneuver. - [Mac laughs]

#347

⇓

Charlie, we've got an address.

#348

⇓

Yeah, but I didn't sign off on that, man.

#349

⇓

I needed to be able to do my job, all right?

#350

⇓

This is my job, getting the information, getting the facts.

#351

⇓

This is thrilling. What is this?

#352

⇓

Uh, it seems like we've transitioned into a bit of a political thriller.

#353

⇓

Ah.

#354

⇓

I like those. Needs a chase scene.

#355

⇓

You wanna chase me around the apartment?

#356

⇓

- No, we're not gonna do that - [Mac] I don't wanna be in that movie.

#357

⇓

with you, Uncle Jack.

#358

⇓

Well, I banged her.

#359

⇓

- [Dee] What? - Yeah.

#360

⇓

- Who? Tammy? - No, uh, Tammy's son's prom date.

#361

⇓

- Kerry Bitaberry? - Yeah.

#362

⇓

- Oh. - Yeah.

#363

⇓

Yeah, I was going for that forbidden teen drama thing, you know?

#364

⇓

I convinced her that Trey Jr. cheated on her,

#365

⇓

and the only way she could get back at him was to sleep with me.

#366

⇓

- [groans] - [chuckles]

#367

⇓

Gross.

#368

⇓

Yeah, and you know what?

#369

⇓

It was kinda gross, but probably not for the reasons you're thinking.

#370

⇓

It was gross because she wasn't satisfying to me.

#371

⇓

- [gasps] - She didn't know any moves, you know?

#372

⇓

I tried to teach her, but she wouldn't listen to any of my commands.

#373

⇓

- Can you believe this? - [gasps]

#374

⇓

Yeah, and now she's blowing up my phone, you know?

#375

⇓

She made me a playlist, like We don't have a song.

#376

⇓

How could we have a song together? We listen to no music whatsoever.

#377

⇓

The whole thing was done in silence. Except for the noises that I was making.

#378

⇓

- Stop. - What's grossing you out?

#379

⇓

- The fact that she wasn't satisfying me? - The fact that she's a child.

#380

⇓

No, she's not a child.

#381

⇓

- She's 19 years old, I checked. - Still a teen.

#382

⇓

Well, she has to be a teen. I thought we were doing a Romeo and Juliet thing.

#383

⇓

Juliet was not banging an old man.

#384

⇓

Dee, you know what? Just stop.

#385

⇓

I think the fact that she was 19 is actually the reason

#386

⇓

why Trey and Tammy didn't want their son dating her,

#387

⇓

because she was robbing the cradle. You know?

#388

⇓

- Okay, all right. - Why are you so grossed out by this?

#389

⇓

- You know what? I gotta go. - Where are you going?

#390

⇓

I gotta go bang Trey Jr.

#391

⇓

Why?

#392

⇓

Because we're doing a thing and I gotta win.

#393

⇓

All right.

#394

⇓

His address is a storage unit. You think he's in there?

#395

⇓

I don't know, man. Yeah, this could be, like,

#396

⇓

the secret headquarters of the foundation or something.

#397

⇓

That seems more like a James Bond spy thing.

#398

⇓

That doesn't really fit.

#399

⇓

I don't know, dude. The foundation's got a lot of international stuff happening.

#400

⇓

You don't even know what the foundation is.

#401

⇓

- Got it. Sixty-nine. Sixty-nine. - Well, of course.

#402

⇓

- [Mac] No Frank. - Yeah.

#403

⇓

What is this? "Toys for the foundation. Ship to Africa."

#404

⇓

I told you we had international dealings, you know what I mean?

#405

⇓

Africa is a big market for us, you know?

#406

⇓

We do a lot of, you know, trading of in the toy sector.

#407

⇓

You know, don't even ask too many questions about it.

#408

⇓

It's, like, annoying how much

#409

⇓

you're prying me about trying to be in the foundation.

#410

⇓

Let's see what's in here.

#411

⇓

I mean, like, maybe I can finagle you like a

#412

⇓

like an entry level position, but I can't just put you on the board or

#413

⇓

What am I looking at here? What is this?

#414

⇓

"Rhino." These are dick pills, man. Jesus.

#415

⇓

All right, well it took a sexual turn. That's kind of interesting.

#416

⇓

What is he doing in here with the dick pills?

#417

⇓

What's on the tape? What is this about?

#418

⇓

[Mac] I don't know. Should we watch it? I don't want to.

#419

⇓

Yeah, I'm a little concerned about what I might see here.

#420

⇓

I think you got to shield your eyes because he's most likely,

#421

⇓

almost definitely, for sure gonna be naked and fucking.

#422

⇓

Let's just hit play and let's just see what it's about.

#423

⇓

- Okay, we'll just Yeah, okay. - [Charlie] Let me know if he's got his

#424

⇓

Hey, I'm Frank. I've had a few great loves in my life.

#425

⇓

I lost one to racial injustice. Another one OD'd.

#426

⇓

Lost a wife to a botched neck job, but that's a whole other story.

#427

⇓

But I haven't had a love in my life for a long time, you know?

#428

⇓

And I'm not sure how long I can go on without it.

#429

⇓

[lighting striking, tape glitching]

#430

⇓

- That's it? - I don't know.

#431

⇓

Looks like he taped over some old Highlander episodes

#432

⇓

- and ran out of tape. - He always does that.

#433

⇓

He forgets where the tape

#434

⇓

What is this, man? What's he doing? I don't get it.

#435

⇓

He's doing a lot of dick pills, 'cause these are all empty.

#436

⇓

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, dude. That's not good.

#437

⇓

Frank always said he wanted his dick and his heart to explode at the same time.

#438

⇓

Dude, did he kill himself?

#439

⇓

If he did, he did it hard as a rock.

#440

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#441

⇓

Knock, knock.

#442

⇓

Jesus Christ. You are a boy.

#443

⇓

Sorry, you are a lot younger than I than I remember.

#444

⇓

- Huh? - Yeah.

#445

⇓

In my head you looked a bit more like a man,

#446

⇓

but boy, are you not. You're a kid. You're a kid.

#447

⇓

- How in God's name did Dennis do this? - Do what?

#448

⇓

I'm trying to beat my brother. You wouldn't get it.

#449

⇓

- Are you the lady from the bar? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#450

⇓

Let's just power through and get to the hot part, right?

#451

⇓

So sex. Sex.

#452

⇓

You are inexperienced and sex is exciting and maybe a little nerve-wracking.

#453

⇓

The kids at my school have been sleeping with each other for a decade.

#454

⇓

I don't need your whole backstory. You are 18, right?

#455

⇓

I don't wanna be mean,

#456

⇓

but my granny isn't that much older than you.

#457

⇓

- Your granny? - Yeah.

#458

⇓

Um, I will have you know I went to high school with your mom. So

#459

⇓

She said when she was in high school you were 40.

#460

⇓

- I was 30. - What's the difference?

#461

⇓

Ten years! Ten years is the diff

#462

⇓

Listen to me, you little shit.

#463

⇓

Dennis slept with your prom date.

#464

⇓

Oh, yeah. Does that make you sad?

#465

⇓

Do you wanna suck your thumb, little boy? I gotta go.

#466

⇓

Well, you win, Dennis. I couldn't do it.

#467

⇓

So it wasn't really a win-lose thing maybe.

#468

⇓

Of course it was, all right.

#469

⇓

But to be very clear, the kid wanted to, I just am not a criminal.

#470

⇓

I'm not a criminal either. Kerry Bitaberry is 19 years old.

#471

⇓

The only crime here is Kerry Bitaberry's inability to satisfy a lover.

#472

⇓

Well, then I probably did Trey Jr. a favor by telling him.

#473

⇓

Yeah, I guess Wait, what? You told him?

#474

⇓

Yeah, I told him. He took it pretty hard.

#475

⇓

It was juicy. I think he's gonna try and fight you after school.

#476

⇓

Although, watching a grown man be pummeled by a kid in his prime

#477

⇓

is more sad than dramatic, if I'm being honest.

#478

⇓

Goddamn it, Dee. Why'd you tell him? I mean, that's

#479

⇓

two local teens attempted suicide

#480

⇓

when they drove off the Strawberry Mansion Bridge.

#481

⇓

Fortunately, the teens survived the crash,

#482

⇓

although both sustained injuries and will be likely severely disfigured.

#483

⇓

Oh

#484

⇓

Well, I could definitely kick his ass now, right? He's all jacked up.

#485

⇓

Wha What?

#486

⇓

You're not gonna make me feel bad about this, okay? I don't feel bad.

#487

⇓

I don't feel anything.

#488

⇓

- [door opens] - Guys, we got a problem.

#489

⇓

Frank took all his dick pills.

#490

⇓

- [Dennis sighs] - Oh.

#491

⇓

- He's gonna commit suicide. - He's gonna commit suicide.

#492

⇓

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause his penis is

#493

⇓

[Dee] Hey, speaking of suicide.

#494

⇓

Dennis almost killed a couple of teenagers.

#495

⇓

Yeah, they drove off a bridge, but they're still alive.

#496

⇓

Who? Kerry Bitaberry and Trey Jr.?

#497

⇓

- [Dee] That's them. - You bet.

#498

⇓

- That's classic Dennis. - Come on, man.

#499

⇓

Maybe teen drama does have some weight to it 'cause that's like a tragedy.

#500

⇓

Uh, well I mean, it's really only a tragedy if they die.

#501

⇓

You know, if they're just, like, mangled and stuff,

#502

⇓

then I think it's nothing. It's not anything.

#503

⇓

- You know, maybe a horror film? - All right, well, we're still in a mystery

#504

⇓

- 'cause Frank is missing. - [Dee] Uh, guys

#505

⇓

- one of Philadelphia's own has been - I think I found him.

#506

⇓

selected to be the next Golden Bachelor .

#507

⇓

Local businessman and philanthropist, Frank Reynolds is looking for love.

#508

⇓

Frank's Global Youth Foundation brings joy to needy children.

#509

⇓

I want to share that joy with someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

#510

⇓

Seems like a great guy. We hope you find true love, Frank.

#511

⇓

We'll be rooting for you.

#512

⇓

Well, that's what you call a plot twist.

#513

⇓

[♪ jovial music]

#514

⇓