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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S18E01 — Frank Marries a Corpse

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 18, Episode 1 — Frank Marries a Corpse

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Frank Marries a Corpse

Air date: August 17, 2026

Director: Todd Biermann

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The guys help Frank with his cold feet ahead of his wedding to Sam. Dee tries to scare Sam off the nuptials with testimonies from The Waitress, Artemis, and Snail.

Source: TMDB

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[♪ "Captain’s Table" playing]

captains playing table

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[Frank] Man, something ain’t right. I think I’m getting cold feet.

aint cold feet frank

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What do you mean, man? I thought Sam was your soulmate.

↓

You know, I don’t even know where to begin with this thing, honestly.

begin

↓

You know what, why don’t you just tie it in a double knot

double knot

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and go Colonel Sanders style?

colonel style

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Well, it ain’t that. I’m-I’m crazy about her.

aint crazy

↓

Last night we did it in a pond.

night pond

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Frogs croaking... [mutters]

frogs mutters

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...mud in our toes.

toes

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And there was a Starbucks in the... in the distance,

distance starbucks

↓

and I made eye contact with the clerk.

clerk contact

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He knew what was up.

↓

Maybe we should just get some clip-on ones.

clip ones

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-I’ll take a Sanders. -No, we’re not doing a...

↓

We’re not doing Colonel Sanders bow ties, okay?

colonel ties

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-That’s-That’s gonna look crazy, okay? -[clears throat]

clears clears-throat crazy throat

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Mac, does your mom have to smoke in here?

smoke

↓

Jesus, our tuxes are gonna reek.

jesus

↓

You’re the one that banished her to the kitchen

banished kitchen

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because she’s not one of the groomsmen, dude.

↓

I could have her sit by the window and we could switch if you want,

switch window

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but she’s already got her ten steps in for the day.

steps

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I don’t want her here at all.

↓

Have a heart, dude. She lost her best friend. Right, Mom?

best best-friend friend heart lost

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[grunts]

grunts

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-[door opens] -Yo. Hey, sorry I’m late, guys.

door door-opens late opens

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I couldn’t get the stupid tie, so I just kinda went KFC with it.

kinda stupid

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-Yeah, it’s a good look. -Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

You going with that? It’s not bad, right?

↓

-What are you holding? -Huh? Oh, it’s my mom.

holding

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Yeah, I feel like we never really properly mourned her passing.

passing properly

↓

So I thought maybe we could do something cool with her ashes at the wedding.

ashes cool wedding

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No. No, we acknowledged this already, man.

↓

Remember the other day I was like, "Oh, your mom died."

died remember

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And I gave you a little pat on the back, and I was like, "Aw."

↓

And then I had a tear in my eye.

tear

↓

-Yeah, well, I saw your onion, dude. -Yeah, well...

onion

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You had the onion, kinda rubbed it on your eye, you know...

kinda onion rubbed

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-I knew what you were doing. -Sure, yeah, there was an onion.

onion

↓

-There was an onion. -But I brought that for you, pal.

brought onion

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-He said he was gonna bring it for you. -But it just cheapens it.

bring

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I know, but do you think it’s easy to know when and when not to bring an onion?

bring easy onion

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Do you have an onion on you right now?

onion

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-No, because I didn’t know you were gonna... -I can smell the onion.

onion smell

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-He has the onion. He does, he does. -Well, it’s good to have.

onion

↓

Look, this is my chance to do something spectacular for my mom.

chance spectacular

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I mean, there’s gonna be news, there’s gonna be cameras, you know.

cameras news

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No, no, but-but... Okay, but cameras being there is precisely why I don’t want you

cameras precisely

↓

doing something spectacular with your dead mother’s remains, Charlie.

charlie dead mothers remains spectacular

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I mean, come on, man. Plus, this is Frank’s big day.

franks plus

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-Right? Can we just focus on that? -Yeah.

focus

↓

-We should focus on him. -All right, all right. Yeah, yeah.

focus

↓

So no cold feet, you know? No, uh... [chuckles] ...fried chicken bow ties.

chicken chuckles cold feet fried fried-chicken ties

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And for the love of God, I mean, last thing we need is for this wedding

love wedding

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to come off as some kind of funeral. [chuckles]

chuckles funeral

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[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]

playing sensation temptation

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Ugh, thank you, ladies, so much for helping me with this.

helping ladies

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Mmm. So, the old hag has no friends?

friends

↓

Nope, and I’ll tell you why. She’s a con woman.

nope woman

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Bitch told me she had chicken money, but guess what?

bitch chicken chicken-money money

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I was thinking that was, like, Perdue or Sanderson Farms.

farms thinking

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No, she was talking about rubber chickens. What?

chickens rubber

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Everybody knows there’s no money in rubber chickens.

chickens everybody everybody-knows knows money rubber

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She’s planning on bleeding Frank dry, and I’m not gonna have it.

bleeding frank planning

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Okay, what does any of this have to do with us?

↓

You guys are gonna help me stop this wedding.

wedding

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-Done. -Yes!

↓

-That bitch is stealing my sidepiece. -She is. She’s trying.

bitch stealing

↓

[Gail sucking teeth]

gail sucking teeth

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-[Artemis, The Waitress] Oh. -When’s the stripper get here?

artemis stripper waitress whens

↓

There’s no strippers, Gail.

gail strippers

↓

-Then why are we doing this? -I just explained it.

explained

↓

-I’ll do it for your Vitamix. -What?

↓

There’s no reason I should help you, so I’ll do it for your blender.

blender reason

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-Fine. -I’ll take the colander.

↓

You... What... What happened to you being a-a-a scorned lover?

happened lover

↓

I still need to strain spaghetti.

spaghetti strain

↓

Oh, hey, do you have one of those, uh, bottle openers

bottle

↓

that’s shaped like a woman’s vag?

shaped womans

↓

What are you... No, of course I don’t. That’s not a thing.

course

↓

-[knocking at door] -It should be.

door knocking

↓

I’ll trade you a colander and a non-stick frying pan for the Vitamix.

stick trade

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-Goddamn it. Just-- -[The Waitress] Deal.

deal goddamn goddamn-it waitress

↓

Put my stuff back, okay? Do not poach my entire kitchen.

entire kitchen stuff

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Knock that shit off.

knock

↓

[gasps] There she is! Happy wedding day!

gasps happy wedding

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How are you feeling?

feeling

↓

Well, it’s funny.

funny

↓

I didn’t sleep too good. I have a bad neck.

neck sleep

↓

Oh, you think we should call off the wedding? [laughs]

laughs wedding

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-[chuckles] -Just kidding. Get on in here. Come on!

chuckles kidding

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-Come on. -Okay, okay.

↓

-[Artemis] Oh, my God, soups... -[Dee] Come on.

artemis

↓

-[objects clattering] -[Artemis] Soup this...

artemis clattering objects soup

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Who are these women?

women

↓

These are your bridesmaids.

↓

These are your friends?

friends

↓

-Not really. -[stammers, laughs]

laughs stammers

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That dumb bitch. She’s always joking around.

bitch dumb dumb-bitch joking

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-[chuckles] -Yeah, these are my friends,

chuckles friends

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and I thought it would be great for you to get a load of,

load

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you know, the kind of people that you’ll be hanging out with once you marry Frank.

frank hanging marry

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-Oh. -So, let’s not waste any more time.

waste

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We gotta get you into that wedding dress, huh?

dress wedding wedding-dress

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[singsongy] Get this party started. [chuckles] Okay.

chuckles party party-started started

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You put my shit back and don’t be bitches.

bitches

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Okay, now, I like this.

↓

I think we’d get away with that.

↓

What? Those look insane.

insane

↓

Did you guys cut them?

↓

Yeah, it’s like a mini tie, right? Just make it like a little miniature tie.

mini miniature

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-You said cut the tie, so we cut-- -I said tie the tie.

↓

-I can’t feel my fingers. -Uh... really?

fingers

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Yeah. [mutters]

mutters

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Whoa. Guys, his hands are cold as ice.

cold hands whoa

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Yeah, I... I think we better call off the wedding.

wedding

↓

I always listen to my body.

body

↓

That’s true, dude. He always listens to his body.

body listens

↓

Frank, you have never once listened to your body.

body frank listened

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Look, buddy, you’re just cold, okay?

buddy cold

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Charlie, get him in a hot shower, warm him up.

charlie shower warm

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Speaking of cutting things, what if I cut his shoes, right?

cutting shoes speaking

↓

So his toes are hanging out, gets a little more circulation going.

circulation hanging toes

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Maybe I’ll even cut his shirt, like, to here, and then his belly can breathe.

belly breathe shirt

↓

Can we just keep things simple? Yeah? I mean, we’ve all got our roles here.

roles simple

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Let’s keep it simple, you know?

simple

↓

Frank, you’re the, uh, aging groom with one last shot at love, you know?

frank groom love shot

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Charlie, you’re the best man who, uh, plays "Here Comes the Bride"

best bride charlie comes plays

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on the keyboards as we walk down the aisle, you know?

aisle walk

↓

Me walking Frank down the aisle.

aisle frank walking

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Dee walking Sam, you know? Mac’s the gay woke priest who weds them.

macs priest walking woke

↓

What? No. Who... Who’s gay? No one’s gay.

ones

↓

-No. -You’re gay.

↓

-No! Me? I’m not gay. -What?

↓

-What are you talking about? -What is this guy talking about?

↓

[whispers] My mom is right in the other room, so I just didn’t wanna...

room whispers

↓

I’m not gay.

↓

Have you not come out to your mom?

↓

[whispering] And come up with a whole new dance?

dance whispering whole

↓

I don’t even know if the choreographer is available.

available

↓

I have to come up with an entirely different repertoire.

entirely

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No, you don’t. What are you talking about?

↓

-Yeah-- -[Mrs. Mac] No. No, no, no, no.

↓

-Just... No... -See? You’ve upset her.

upset

↓

Mo-Mom, uh, what-what you’ve heard is completely untrue.

completely heard

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Mac’s coming. He’s got something to tell you.

coming macs

↓

No, Mom. Mom.

↓

Mommy, Mommy, whatever you just heard is completely untrue.

completely heard mommy

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[shrieks]

shrieks

↓

What is that?

↓

Oh, we’ve got problems. We’ve got huge problems.

huge problems

↓

What is that?

↓

I’ll tell you what it’s not. It’s not my mom’s cigarettes, okay?

cigarettes moms

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I-I must have grabbed the wrong box at Uncle Jack’s.

grabbed jacks must uncle

↓

I don’t know, but she is freaking out, man.

freaking

↓

Okay, well, uh, why don’t you just go buy her some more smokes?

smokes

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No, I can’t... I can’t just go buy her some more smokes.

smokes

↓

She smokes a-a discontinued brand from China.

brand china smokes

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You can’t afford that. Think of the tariffs.

afford tariffs

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-The tariffs alone! -[sighing] Okay...

alone sighing tariffs

↓

Guys, guys, bad news. His feet are still cold.

cold feet news

↓

[Frank shuddering]

frank

↓

You didn’t take him out of the tux?

↓

[continues shuddering]

continues

↓

Sam, these ladies were so sweet. They each got you a gift.

gift ladies sweet

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-You’re kidding. -We did?

kidding

↓

You sure did. Yeah. You probably just forgot.

forgot

↓

Have you and Frank ever had sex in a Dollar Tree bathroom?

bathroom dollar frank tree

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Well, we did it in a pond last night.

night pond

↓

The one that forms near the Starbucks?

forms near starbucks

↓

[scoffs] I never did that. Don’t care for standing water.

care scoffs standing water

↓

Well, you’re missing out.

missing

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Yeah, I did it in a waterfall once,

↓

but it turned out to be city runoff.

city turned

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[chuckles] So random.

chuckles random

↓

[chuckles] Yeah, maybe a little too random.

chuckles random

↓

Let’s stay on topic here, okay?

topic

↓

So anyway, the theme of the gifts,

gifts theme

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something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

blue borrowed

↓

Blew deez nuts.

blew nuts

↓

Thank you for that. Okay.

↓

Uh, first gift is from Frank’s niece, Gail,

franks gail gift niece

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a woman who we refer to as a snail.

refer snail woman

↓

-Ha-ha. Yup-yup. -[Sam] Interesting.

interesting

↓

-Oh, uh, what am I looking at here, Snail? -[Dee] Hmm?

looking snail

↓

Shit if I know.

↓

Yeah. Okay. Of course you know.

course

↓

It’s something old. It’s an old photo of Frank and Gail.

frank gail photo

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-[Sam] Mmm. -That, of course,

course

↓

is before they started having sexual relations.

having relations sexual started

↓

-Wh-What? -Oh, yeah.

↓

Frank did a ton of real gross sex stuff

frank gross real stuff

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with the daughter of his wife’s sister.

daughter sister wifes wifes-sister

↓

[sucks teeth] Just hand stuff. Pretty random.

hand hand-stuff random stuff sucks teeth

↓

Uh, moving on, this next gift is from The Waitress.

gift moving waitress

↓

Oh, Waitress. [chuckles] Is that your name?

chuckles name waitress

↓

No, my name is--

name

↓

Will you shut up and let her open her present? My God.

open present

↓

Well, look at that.

↓

What is this? This looks like it’s a...

↓

Oh. It’s a copy of a court summons for Frank. Okay.

copy court frank

↓

Oh, yeah, I’m suing the shit out of Frank.

frank suing

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-Huh. -Oh, why?

↓

Oh, ’cause he owes me a Cybertruck.

cybertruck owes

↓

Oh, yes, I do remember that now. I do.

remember

↓

The funny thing here is that that’s one of many legal snafus

funny legal snafus

↓

that Frank is mixed up in.

frank mixed

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I bet that’s disturbing and brand-new information for you.

brand disturbing information

↓

Anyway, uh-uh, the last gift is something borrowed,

borrowed gift

↓

and it’s from Artemis.

artemis

↓

Oh. Well, that is very nice. [gasps]

gasps

↓

"Vaginal burning relief cream."

burning cream relief vaginal

↓

Oh, you know, that is so kind of you to loan that to her,

loan

↓

seeing as how she’s probably going to catch whatever it is that you had.

catch seeing

↓

-Probably. -Mmm.

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

-Ms. Dee. -Mm-hmm?

↓

Could I just borrow you for a private word?

borrow private word

↓

Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

We’ll rush right back.

rush

↓

[sucks teeth] If you don’t want this cream, I’ll take it.

cream sucks teeth

↓

That bitch owes me oven mitts.

bitch mitts oven owes

↓

-I need plastic wrap. -See what else she has...

plastic wrap

↓

-[ob muttering]

muttering

↓

Goddamn vultures, picking me dry. [sighs]

goddamn picking sighs vultures

↓

What’s up?

↓

-I know what this is. -What are you talking about?

↓

Why are you trying to break up my wedding?

break wedding

↓

Okay, I’ll tell you exactly what this is about.

↓

You know that chicken money you’ve been talking about?

chicken chicken-money money

↓

-It’s rubber chickens. -[chuckles]

chickens chuckles rubber

↓

You are trying to bleed Frank dry,

bleed frank

↓

and that means I would end up not having any money,

having money

↓

and I’m not gonna let that happen. You got it?

happen

↓

You familiar with those yellow rubber chickens that have the red neckties?

chickens familiar rubber yellow

↓

-Of course I am. I have like seven of ’em. -My father invented those,

course father invented seven

↓

and I inherited his novelty gag fortune.

fortune

↓

So, I’m a billionaire.

billionaire

↓

[stammers]

stammers

↓

Is that with a "B"?

↓

No other way to spell it.

spell

↓

[breathes shakily] No, there’s not.

breathes shakily

↓

Oh.

↓

Know what, honey?

honey

↓

I like your moxie, and I never had kids of my own,

kids moxie

↓

so if you support me,

support

↓

I could make you a very wealthy woman.

wealthy woman

↓

-Are you joking? [breathing heavily] -I-I’m not a big joker.

breathing breathing-heavily heavily joking

↓

-Well, okay. Wow. [laughs] -[chuckles]

chuckles laughs

↓

-Um, it’s a deal. [chuckles] -It’s a deal.

chuckles deal

↓

Yeah, well... [stammers] Would you be willing to put that in writing?

stammers willing writing

↓

-Oh, I wouldn’t have it any other way. -Oh, God. I love you so much.

love

↓

Yeah. [chuckles] I’m gonna make a quick phone call. Oh, God.

chuckles phone quick

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.

seen

↓

I’ve been doing stuff. It’s none of your business.

business stuff

↓

What do you mean it’s none of my business?

business

↓

-He was with us. We had him. -Um, yeah.

↓

Okay, well, I just... I haven’t seen you.

seen

↓

I... Sometimes I like to use you.

sometimes

↓

-Use me? You cocksucker. -[Dennis] Jack.

dennis jack

↓

Um, what’s happening?

↓

-Uh, why... -What is this?

↓

Why do you even have that thing, man?

↓

It’s a legal tool I use in mediations.

legal tool

↓

-No. -No, absolutely not.

absolutely

↓

That’s... No, I don’t believe that for a second.

believe second

↓

Uh, sometimes people, I’ve found, are more comfortable talking

comfortable found sometimes

↓

to Sherman, or as Sherman. [chuckles]

chuckles sherman

↓

-Yeah, okay. -Okay.

↓

Uh, I’m just gonna move past it. Uh, Jack.

jack past

↓

Listen, I-I think that, uh, you should let Mac’s mom move back in.

macs

↓

Okay. Uh, this is perfect. Let’s use the doll.

doll perfect

↓

Why don’t you tell Sherman how you feel?

sherman

↓

-How I feel? -I’ll go. Yeah.

↓

No, Mac, don’t get distracted--

distracted

↓

Sherman, I feel like my mother should be able to stay here.

able mother sherman

↓

Even though she wasn’t on the lease, this is her home.

home lease

↓

[high-pitched] Mac, that lady has as much charm as a wood chipper.

charm lady pitched wood

↓

She smokes, never flushes.

flushes smokes

↓

I say good riddance!

↓

You can have her, ya fruit!

fruit

↓

I’m not a fruit, you little wooden fuck.

fruit fuck wooden

↓

Give me the doll. Give me the goddamn doll.

doll goddamn

↓

I-I’m doing it. I’m doing it.

↓

Don’t talk shit about my mother, all right?

mother

↓

Uh, or my masculinity, because I am as straight as the...

straight

↓

straight as the...

straight

↓

[high-pitched] Rio Grande!

grande pitched

↓

Rio Grande?

grande

↓

What-What are you talking about, Sherman? No, I...

sherman

↓

I like women, okay? I don’t even understand what you’re talking about.

women

↓

[high-pitched] Queer. [normal] What? Why is he saying that?

normal pitched queer

↓

[high-pitched] Just tell her, Mac. [normal] What? What?

normal pitched

↓

[high-pitched] Tell your mom.

pitched

↓

[normal] There’s nothing to say.

normal

↓

[high-pitched] Tell your mom the goddamn truth.

goddamn pitched truth

↓

You don’t need to dance. You want me to dance?

dance

↓

I’ll dance right fucking now. I’m gonna do a dance.

dance fucking

↓

-I’m gonna do a dance. -What are you doing? Mac. Stop!

dance

↓

-Will you stop it? -[high-pitched] Mommy, Mommy!

mommy pitched

↓

-You are controlling the dummy. -[high-pitched] I’m doing a dance.

controlling dance dummy pitched

↓

Okay, stop, everybody. [stammers] Okay. We’re gonna try to stay on topic here.

everybody stammers topic

↓

I think we can work something out, though. How about this? How about this?

↓

Why don’t we all pitch in and, uh, put her in a nursing home?

home nursing nursing-home pitch

↓

Okay, I’d be up for that.

↓

-Hey, see? That works. -A nursing home?

home nursing nursing-home works

↓

I don’t know. What do you think?

↓

What... What do you mean? Don’t ask him. You-You are controlling him.

controlling

↓

-[phone ringing, buzzing] -Oh.

buzzing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Oh! Uh-oh, boys. I gotta run.

boys

↓

Hey, cigarettes are in the cabinet, okay?

cabinet cigarettes

↓

-Oh, let me get the doll. -[high-pitched] Don’t leave me to him!

doll pitched

↓

[normal] Oh, God.

normal

↓

[high-pitched] Please!

pitched

↓

Listen, we’ll take care of him.

care

↓

[high-pitched] He’s done terrible things.

pitched

↓

We’ll bring him with us for a while. We might be able to use him.

able bring might

↓

I’m not sure if you guys will be safe with him.

safe

↓

Just go. We’ll-We’ll take care of him. I-I promise. We’re gonna be okay.

care promise

↓

All right. Sherman, don’t tell them anything I told you.

sherman

↓

What is happening?

↓

Okay, so I’ve drawn up the terms of the contract.

contract drawn terms

↓

Hey, sexy, take it off.

sexy

↓

-Not a stripper, Snail. -Well, I-I could grind him.

grind snail stripper

↓

-That would be random. -Just ignore her.

ignore random

↓

Right. Um, the document says that once Sam and Frank are married,

document frank married

↓

Dee is entitled to half her inheritance.

entitled half inheritance

↓

-[Dee gasps] -That is, if the wedding happens.

gasps happens wedding

↓

Yeah, yeah. Boom, boom. Lock it in, Mommy. You cool if I call you that?

boom cool lock mommy

↓

-Mmm. A little... Don’t push it. -Okay.

push

↓

So sign here and that bottom one, and then...

bottom sign

↓

Oh, this is fun. We’re gonna do thumbprints.

fun

↓

Ooh. I’m actually gonna skip the thumbprint part

part skip

↓

because I don’t want black thumbs for the wedding

black thumbs wedding

↓

and I don’t want to get it all over my dress.

dress

↓

No, no, no, it comes right off. Look. Boom.

boom comes

↓

[sucks]

sucks

↓

-See? -Yeah.

↓

Wait, hold on.

↓

Get it, big boy.

↓

-[Dee] Um... -It came off earlier.

↓

It’s not coming off and I also do see it on your shirt, so...

coming shirt

↓

Well, no, that’s ’cause of... That’s from earlier.

↓

You know, um, I wonder if you two could excuse me,

excuse wonder

↓

because my neck is really hurting and I’m feeling a little under the weather.

feeling hurting neck weather

↓

So could I maybe lie down on your bed for a minute?

minute

↓

-You wanna take a little rest? Let’s go. -Yes, I’ll rest.

rest

↓

-Let’s do it, Mama. -Okay. We’ll do this when you come back.

mama

↓

Yeah. Let’s get you all rested up for the big moment, okay?

moment rested

↓

-[Sam chuckles] The big moment. -[Dee] The big moment. Okay.

chuckles moment

↓

You take a load off, okay?

load

↓

I love you.

love

↓

-All right, you bitches gotta buzz off. -What? Why?

bitches buzz

↓

Because this whole thing’s off. The wedding’s back on.

weddings whole

↓

I don’t mind switching gears, but it is gonna cost you.

cost gears mind switching

↓

It already cost me. You took my entire kitchen.

cost entire kitchen

↓

This is peanuts. If you’re getting a big payday,

peanuts

↓

I want a cut of that or I’m gonna ruin the wedding.

ruin wedding

↓

-Ooh, what she said. -Ah, shit. Oh, you guys are the worst.

worst

↓

Fine, Uncle Jack, we’re gonna need a few more contracts drawn up.

contracts drawn jack uncle uncle-jack

↓

[coughs, gags] That was... That was too deep.

coughs deep gags

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Contracts. All right.

contracts

↓

-[Charlie] ♪ Oh, she’s dead ♪ -[piano playing]

charlie dead piano piano-playing playing

↓

♪ Take a good look ’Cause she’s gone ♪

gone

↓

♪ Ain’t nothing left On the flesh and the bone ♪

aint bone flesh left

↓

♪ So farewell and so long ♪

farewell

↓

♪ There’s a dead woman In this room ♪

dead room woman

↓

Then I’ll say, "Let’s have a nice wedding," or something.

wedding

↓

Oh, good. Yeah. What is happening?

↓

I called Chambray to see if she can warm me up, but it’s not working.

called warm working

↓

I’m only getting colder.

↓

-We got to stop the wedding. -[Mrs. Mac exclaims]

exclaims wedding

↓

Whoa. Oh! Oh, Jesus, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

jesus whoa

↓

Here you go, Mom. [huffs]

huffs

↓

Guys, that was close. She almost broke the chain.

broke chain close

↓

She almost broke the chain.

broke chain

↓

Listen, I’m having second thoughts about this home thing.

having home second second-thoughts thoughts

↓

I don’t think they’ll even let her smoke there.

smoke

↓

Let me play the song one more time.

song

↓

-No. Everybody stop. No, stop! -♪ She’s dead-- ♪

dead everybody

↓

Stop, stop.

↓

Final trades until the closing bell, okay?

bell closing final

↓

One nipple. One nipple.

nipple

↓

-[all chattering] -Make sure you put the measuring spoon...

chattering spoon

↓

Measuring spoon. All right. Okay. Could you stop? Leave me alone.

alone spoon

↓

I want this! Rolling pin. Rolling pin for me.

rolling

↓

-Rolling pin. -So if you...

rolling

↓

Jack, the goddamn bell!

bell goddamn jack

↓

-All right. And I want the bell. -The bell.

bell

↓

-Okay. The bell. The bell. -Great, you get the bell! Good!

bell

↓

Now, get your shit and get out of here, okay? Gonna go wake up the hag.

wake

↓

She’ll sleep through the whole goddamn wedding. Jesus.

goddamn jesus shell sleep wedding whole whole-goddamn

↓

We’re done. Can I... Let me have my clothes back.

clothes

↓

Oh, sleeping beauty, it’s time to wake up.

beauty sleeping wake

↓

Sam. Mommy.

mommy

↓

Sa-Sam.

↓

Sam.

↓

Mama. Sam?

mama

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Are you sure she’s dead?

dead

↓

Well, she hasn’t moved, breathed, or had a heartbeat in over an hour.

heartbeat hour moved

↓

-Can a person survive that? -[sighs]

person sighs survive

↓

-No, I don’t think they can. -No.

↓

What the hell happened?

happened

↓

Nothing. I think just sometimes, uh,

sometimes

↓

when you’re that age, you just die, you know?

↓

-Right. -God, this is terrible.

↓

I know, it’s-it’s so sad.

↓

No, I mean for me.

↓

-Apparently, she was loaded. -Mm-hmm.

apparently loaded

↓

Do you know that there’s real money in rubber chickens if you get in early?

chickens early money real rubber

↓

What are you doing, looking for your onion?

looking onion

↓

Yeah, I guess I left it behind.

behind left

↓

Don’t do it for me. I don’t care.

care

↓

You know what the worst part is?

part worst worst-part

↓

I made a deal with her that I would get some of that money

deal money

↓

as long as she and Frank got married.

frank married

↓

Yeah, you know what? I have a confession to make.

confession

↓

I-I knew she was rich.

rich

↓

-You knew? -Yeah, I found out about a week ago.

found week

↓

I actually had one of those drawn up, too.

drawn

↓

-You did? -Yeah, I sure did.

↓

-Uncle Jack? -Yeah.

jack uncle uncle-jack

↓

Ah, shit. Well, now we’re both screwed.

screwed

↓

Well, yeah, but-but only if they don’t get married, right?

married

↓

What does that mean?

↓

[inhales] Dee,

inhales

↓

how much do you know about puppets?

puppets

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

[Dennis] All right. You ready for this?

dennis ready

↓

I can’t feel anything.

↓

Okay, well, trust the strings. Here we go. [inhales]

inhales strings trust

↓

Now? Oh, yeah.

↓

[♪ "Here Comes The Bride" playing]

bride comes playing

↓

Don’t play that song now. Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it song

↓

[sighs] How you doin’? Hi. Good to see you.

doin sighs

↓

You good? How are you?

↓

Isn’t that something? [grunts, chuckles]

chuckles grunts

↓

He’s doing, like... It’s like a Frankenstein.

frankenstein

↓

Frank, you know? Frankenstein?

frank frankenstein

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

Why don’t you stand right about there?

stand

↓

-Yeah. That’s good. -[grunts] I’m gonna puke. [sputters]

grunts puke sputters

↓

[Dennis] Choke it down. Choke it the fuck down.

choke dennis fuck

↓

-[whispering] Charlie, play the song. -I played the song.

charlie played song whispering

↓

Now, she’s coming down the aisle.

aisle coming

↓

I can play my song?

song

↓

Yeah, okay, thanks, man. Yeah, cool. [clears throat]

clears clears-throat cool thanks throat

↓

-Just... -[Frank groans]

frank groans

↓

[wailing]

wailing

↓

♪ She’s dead ♪

dead

↓

[piano playing]

piano piano-playing playing

↓

♪ Take a good look ’Cause she’s gone ♪

gone

↓

[guests murmuring]

guests murmuring

↓

♪ Ain’t no one there There’s no flesh and no bone ♪

aint bone flesh

↓

♪ She’s dead and she’s gone Goodbye, Mom ♪

dead gone goodbye

↓

[Dee grunting]

grunting

↓

♪ Why am I the only one Who can see ♪

↓

Go in a straight line. She’s so excited.

excited line straight

↓

♪ There’s a dead woman Here in this room ♪

dead room woman

↓

♪ You’re all happy And wedding and such... ♪

happy wedding

↓

[whispering] This doesn’t seem like a wedding march. I don’t know...

march wedding whispering

↓

-[Charlie] ♪ ’Cause she’s dead ♪ -Ooh. [chuckling]

charlie chuckling dead

↓

♪ Take a good look ’Cause she’s gone ♪

gone

↓

Oh, I love love so much. [grunts]

grunts love love-love

↓

♪ Ain’t no one there There’s no flesh and no bone ♪

aint bone flesh

↓

♪ She’s dead and she’s gone Goodbye, Mom ♪

dead gone goodbye

↓

[guests continue murmuring]

continue guests murmuring

↓

-♪ She’s dead and gone ♪ -[person applauding]

applauding dead gone person

↓

-Ooh, you on fire, baby. -Sick! Thanks.

baby fire sick thanks

↓

-Okay. -Sam.

↓

-You look beautiful, Sam. -Yeah.

↓

Look at that. She’s speechless, Frank.

frank

↓

-Why don’t we begin? -I got Sherman!

begin sherman

↓

-Oh, no. No, no, no. -[Mac chuckles]

chuckles

↓

[high-pitched] Welcome, ladies and genitals. [laughs]

genitals ladies laughs pitched welcome

↓

Mrs. Mac, do you know that your son...

↓

[whispering] ...is gay?

whispering

↓

No shit.

↓

[guests murmuring]

guests murmuring

↓

Okay. Uh...

↓

-Are we... Are we clapping or... -[guests applauding]

applauding clapping guests

↓

-Nope. Let’s... Not for that. -No. No.

nope

↓

[Dennis] Mac, you wanna go ahead and marry these two?

ahead dennis go-ahead marry

↓

-That went better than I thought. -Did it?

↓

Uh, Frank, do you take this woman to be your bride?

bride frank woman

↓

-I do. -[Dee, Dennis] Aw!

dennis

↓

-Oh, that’s good. That’s good. -That’s so sweet.

sweet

↓

Uh, and now, Sam, do you take Frank to be your husband?

frank husband

↓

Look at that, a big ole emphatic yes.

↓

-Uh, she’s gotta say it. -She doesn’t have to say it. No.

↓

-I think she’s got to say it, right? -No, she... she said it.

↓

She indicated. She went...

↓

-That’s the universal head move for yes. -[Dee] Yeah.

head

↓

Everybody knows what that means.

everybody everybody-knows knows

↓

[high-pitched] I do.

pitched

↓

-Oh! -Oh. Now she said it.

↓

-That was clearly Dee. -That was Dee. I saw her mouth move.

mouth

↓

Me? No. That’s... Why would it be me?

↓

I don’t want to marry Frank. [laughs] Gross.

frank gross laughs marry

↓

Moving on, lock it up.

lock moving

↓

Let’s keep this thing moving. They’re getting tired.

moving tired

↓

Okay. Uh, by the power vested in me

power power-vested vested

↓

by the online class, you are man and wife.

class online wife

↓

-Yes. -Yes!

↓

-[Dee] Yes! -[laughing]

laughing

↓

-Yes! They’re married. -They’re married, everybody.

everybody married

↓

It’s official and legal.

legal official

↓

-That’s legal and official. -It’s legal and binding.

binding legal official

↓

-[chuckling] -Do I kiss the bride now?

bride chuckling kiss

↓

-No! -No, what? No, just-just do that later.

↓

-I’ll kiss Sam. -[Dee] That happens later.

happens kiss

↓

-[high-pitched] Kiss her or it’s not real. -No, he doesn’t have to.

kiss pitched real

↓

You want a kiss, Sam?

kiss

↓

-[Dee, high-pitched] No, thank you, Frank. -[Dennis] She said, "No."

dennis frank pitched

↓

-[Dee] There was no consent. -No means no. No means no.

consent

↓

No means no!

↓

[all gagging, gasping]

gagging gasping

↓

[all exclaiming]

exclaiming

↓

Tragedy struck at Paddy’s Pub yesterday

paddys struck tragedy yesterday

↓

when a Golden Bachelor wedding turned into a real-life house of horrors.

bachelor golden golden-bachelor house life real turned wedding

↓

[guests exclaiming]

exclaiming guests

↓

-[Dee screams] -[bleep]

bleep screams

↓

A flesh-eating bacteria chewed through the spinal cord of the bride

bacteria bride chewed cord eating eating-bacteria flesh spinal spinal-cord

↓

while the groom barely survived the ordeal.

barely groom ordeal survived

↓

-In other news... -Turn that thing off, will you?

news

↓

-I’m really sorry about Sam, Frank. -[Frank grunts]

frank grunts

↓

But hey, look on the bright side, at least you survived.

bright bright-side least side survived

↓

You may want to avoid having sex in, uh, stagnant water in the future, though.

avoid future having water

↓

-Yeah. -Yeah, that’s a general rule.

general rule

↓

-If you see a puddle form, don’t go... -Go away from it.

form puddle

↓

-...banging in it. -Don’t use it for sex.

banging

↓

Yeah, Arty was right on that one.

↓

-Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah. -Guess so.

chuckles

↓

[♪ "Butterfly By" playing]

butterfly playing