Home » Scrubs » S05E02 — My Rite of Passage

Scrubs

Season 5, Episode 2 — My Rite of Passage

Turk, I'm gonna go get some coffee. Want one?

#1

⇓

Get me a small one-pump mocha.

#2

⇓

Get me a small one-pump mocha.

#3

⇓

The perfect setup to a joke, but no one's around to hear!

#4

⇓

The perfect setup to a joke, but no one's around to hear!

#5

⇓

Dude! Oh, God!

#6

⇓

No! Dude!

#7

⇓

- So, what did you want me to get you? - A small one-pump mocha?

#8

⇓

Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Hello!

#9

⇓

Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Hello!

#10

⇓

There's a guy waiting to have his spleen removed!

#11

⇓

It was worth it.

#12

⇓

It was worth it.

#13

⇓

- Let's go, Per! - I have been waiting for an hour.

#14

⇓

- Let's go, Per! - I have been waiting for an hour.

#15

⇓

I know. I was leafing through a magazine

#16

⇓

I know. I was leafing through a magazine

#17

⇓

and watching you on the security cameras.

#18

⇓

My favourite part is when you said, "Screw her!" and stormed out

#19

⇓

My favourite part is when you said, "Screw her!" and stormed out

#20

⇓

but came back 'cause you realised I have the keys.

#21

⇓

but came back 'cause you realised I have the keys.

#22

⇓

Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists,

#23

⇓

Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists,

#24

⇓

I'm gonna put Plexiglas down the middle of the car

#25

⇓

I'm gonna put Plexiglas down the middle of the car

#26

⇓

so you can't drive me crazy. You can't.

#27

⇓

Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside,

#28

⇓

Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside,

#29

⇓

which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash,

#30

⇓

which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash,

#31

⇓

you won't be able to get out.

#32

⇓

you won't be able to get out.

#33

⇓

However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take.

#34

⇓

Jorderoo?

#35

⇓

Hello?

#36

⇓

I'm in here! You can't see me!

#37

⇓

I'm in here! You can't see me!

#38

⇓

Jordan!

#39

⇓

Not everyone was in hell at their job.

#40

⇓

There was only one thing Elliot didn't like about her new hospital:

#41

⇓

There was only one thing Elliot didn't like about her new hospital:

#42

⇓

Charlie, her co-fellow.

#43

⇓

Charlie, her co-fellow.

#44

⇓

(Screams)

#45

⇓

Good morning, Charlie.

#46

⇓

Wanna work on osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me?

#47

⇓

Wanna work on osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me?

#48

⇓

I'll tell you the same thing as when you popped out of that HAZMAT bin:

#49

⇓

I'll tell you the same thing as when you popped out of that HAZMAT bin:

#50

⇓

I work alone, and you have somebody else's blood on your neck.

#51

⇓

I work alone, and you have somebody else's blood on your neck.

#52

⇓

Take a shower, man.

#53

⇓

Fine. I'll just go.

#54

⇓

(Screams)

#55

⇓

(Screams)

#56

⇓

Yes!

#57

⇓

That is an intern in a bald cap.

#58

⇓

That is an intern in a bald cap.

#59

⇓

I hate ya, Charlie.

#60

⇓

I hate ya, Charlie.

#61

⇓

Hippocratic oath on three!

#62

⇓

- One, two, three! - "First do no harm"!

#63

⇓

- One, two, three! - "First do no harm"!

#64

⇓

There it is! All right, kick some ass today, guys!

#65

⇓

There it is! All right, kick some ass today, guys!

#66

⇓

Except for Mr Woodson in 302. He's got that rectal tear...

#67

⇓

Except for Mr Woodson in 302. He's got that rectal tear...

#68

⇓

You seem to be developing a rapport with your interns.

#69

⇓

We even built a house for the homeless.

#70

⇓

We even built a house for the homeless.

#71

⇓

How'd that go?

#72

⇓

(LAUGHTER)

#73

⇓

(LAUGHTER)

#74

⇓

Rex.

#75

⇓

In my defence, who wears a tie to a construction site?

#76

⇓

In my defence, who wears a tie to a construction site?

#77

⇓

I believe in team-building. And I'd make my interns agree with me,

#78

⇓

I believe in team-building. And I'd make my interns agree with me,

#79

⇓

but they're in a timeout because one used the phrase, "Let's rock and roll."

#80

⇓

but they're in a timeout because one used the phrase, "Let's rock and roll."

#81

⇓

When you're an intern, you get treated like crap.

#82

⇓

When you're an intern, you get treated like crap.

#83

⇓

When you're in a position of power, you do the same.

#84

⇓

It's inevitable, like the tide or the awkward toast I'll have to give

#85

⇓

It's inevitable, like the tide or the awkward toast I'll have to give

#86

⇓

at my son's big gay wedding.

#87

⇓

at my son's big gay wedding.

#88

⇓

Mark my words: You'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.

#89

⇓

Mark my words: You'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.

#90

⇓

Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already eight. I gotta rock and roll.

#91

⇓

Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already eight. I gotta rock and roll.

#92

⇓

I beg your pardon?

#93

⇓

- I'm an attending! - Tell it to the wall, Newbie!

#94

⇓

- I'm an attending! - Tell it to the wall, Newbie!

#95

⇓

- The answer's two. - What?

#96

⇓

How many janitors does it take to change a light bulb? Two.

#97

⇓

How many janitors does it take to change a light bulb? Two.

#98

⇓

That doesn't make sense. Hank's an electrician.

#99

⇓

That doesn't make sense. Hank's an electrician.

#100

⇓

- And you are not funny. - I'm very funny.

#101

⇓

I made a killer "one-pump mocha" joke. Everybody laughed.

#102

⇓

I made a killer "one-pump mocha" joke. Everybody laughed.

#103

⇓

I bet nobody laughed. You didn't notice

#104

⇓

I bet nobody laughed. You didn't notice

#105

⇓

'cause you were doing that self-laugh you do

#106

⇓

'cause you were doing that self-laugh you do

#107

⇓

when you think you're being funny.

#108

⇓

Wasn't that your nickname in high school? (Laughs)

#109

⇓

Wasn't that your nickname in high school? (Laughs)

#110

⇓

Anyhoo, have a good one, Lurch.

#111

⇓

Anyhoo, have a good one, Lurch.

#112

⇓

I had to skedaddle because today was burger day in the caf.

#113

⇓

And that meant one thing:

#114

⇓

And that meant one thing:

#115

⇓

75 hungry employees, and one bottle of ketchup.

#116

⇓

75 hungry employees, and one bottle of ketchup.

#117

⇓

- Got the ketchup. - And here is your burger.

#118

⇓

- Got the ketchup. - And here is your burger.

#119

⇓

Oh, frick, I forgot my burger!

#120

⇓

No, she didn't.

#121

⇓

Elliot never invites us to her hospital.

#122

⇓

- She doesn't want you embarrassing her. - How would we embarrass her?

#123

⇓

- She doesn't want you embarrassing her. - How would we embarrass her?

#124

⇓

Maybe by diagnosing your female patients with "Turk fever"?

#125

⇓

Maybe by diagnosing your female patients with "Turk fever"?

#126

⇓

- A lot of women suffer from that. - It's true. I even had it.

#127

⇓

- A lot of women suffer from that. - It's true. I even had it.

#128

⇓

Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?

#129

⇓

Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?

#130

⇓

Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor? Bite, please.

#131

⇓

Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor? Bite, please.

#132

⇓

Here it is.

#133

⇓

That's headed right to our joint colon.

#134

⇓

Yeah, I think I've made my point.

#135

⇓

Yeah, I think I've made my point.

#136

⇓

So tell me something, Carla, has she invited you to her new hospital?

#137

⇓

So tell me something, Carla, has she invited you to her new hospital?

#138

⇓

Hmm?

#139

⇓

Hmm?

#140

⇓

Victory sip!

#141

⇓

Daphne, ketchup!

#142

⇓

Is this seat taken?

#143

⇓

Is this seat taken?

#144

⇓

Ketchup is for winners, Ted.

#145

⇓

Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place.

#146

⇓

Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place.

#147

⇓

The only respite I get is when we're making love

#148

⇓

and I pretend you're someone else.

#149

⇓

and I pretend you're someone else.

#150

⇓

Yeah, I usually pretend we're doing something else.

#151

⇓

Yeah, I usually pretend we're doing something else.

#152

⇓

(Laughs)

#153

⇓

Damn it!

#154

⇓

Damn it!

#155

⇓

I am your new friend, so suck it!

#156

⇓

I am your new friend, so suck it!

#157

⇓

- I gotta go talk to my boys. - I have to go talk to Elliot.

#158

⇓

- I gotta go talk to my boys. - I have to go talk to Elliot.

#159

⇓

Don't leave me!

#160

⇓

So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip:

#161

⇓

So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip:

#162

⇓

The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top,

#163

⇓

The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top,

#164

⇓

it was about three days before my ovulation... yeah.

#165

⇓

it was about three days before my ovulation... yeah.

#166

⇓

Oh, and he was choking me. Oh, it was so good.

#167

⇓

Oh, and he was choking me. Oh, it was so good.

#168

⇓

OK, I'm just gonna...

#169

⇓

My boys need the ketchup!

#170

⇓

My boys need the ketchup!

#171

⇓

That's a lot of boys. Rex gets first dibs

#172

⇓

because I opened his chest with a buzz saw.

#173

⇓

because I opened his chest with a buzz saw.

#174

⇓

J.D! Ketchup!

#175

⇓

J.D! Ketchup!

#176

⇓

I gotta get back to my hospital.

#177

⇓

I gotta get back to my hospital.

#178

⇓

I was thinking I'd come by and visit you tomorrow.

#179

⇓

I was thinking I'd come by and visit you tomorrow.

#180

⇓

Tomorrow's not great,

#181

⇓

but we'll definitely do it sometime, in the future.

#182

⇓

but we'll definitely do it sometime, in the future.

#183

⇓

We were having Mexican food, drinking margaritas...

#184

⇓

We were having Mexican food, drinking margaritas...

#185

⇓

- Carla? What are you doing here? - Let me finish telling them this story.

#186

⇓

- Carla? What are you doing here? - Let me finish telling them this story.

#187

⇓

We were at this tiny little ATM machine...

#188

⇓

We were at this tiny little ATM machine...

#189

⇓

I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga. I have to... you know...

#190

⇓

I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga. I have to... you know...

#191

⇓

Hmm? F-F...

#192

⇓

Hmm? F-F...

#193

⇓

Oh. Go for it. There's guys here. They'll never think it was you.

#194

⇓

Oh. Go for it. There's guys here. They'll never think it was you.

#195

⇓

(Squeaky fart)

#196

⇓

I think that blonde girl just farted.

#197

⇓

I think that blonde girl just farted.

#198

⇓

- Remember that, Elliot? - Yeah, I remember.

#199

⇓

- Remember that, Elliot? - Yeah, I remember.

#200

⇓

Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.

#201

⇓

Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.

#202

⇓

Hey! They have names.

#203

⇓

Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr Snuggles.

#204

⇓

Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr Snuggles.

#205

⇓

Sloppy's bigger than Mr Snuggles.

#206

⇓

Sloppy's bigger than Mr Snuggles.

#207

⇓

- What are you guys talking about? - Oh, we were just...

#208

⇓

- What are you guys talking about? - Oh, we were just...

#209

⇓

Guess they all had someplace to be.

#210

⇓

Guess they all had someplace to be.

#211

⇓

- Just go! - OK!

#212

⇓

Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter.

#213

⇓

Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter.

#214

⇓

I have had someone else's fingers in four, count 'em, four,

#215

⇓

I have had someone else's fingers in four, count 'em, four,

#216

⇓

different orifices today.

#217

⇓

different orifices today.

#218

⇓

Oh, must be your birthday.

#219

⇓

OK, gang, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr Heath's CAT scan.

#220

⇓

OK, gang, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr Heath's CAT scan.

#221

⇓

His tumour's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"!

#222

⇓

His tumour's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"!

#223

⇓

Not funny.

#224

⇓

Not funny.

#225

⇓

Have you followed me around all day dressed like an intern?

#226

⇓

Yes. You're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

#227

⇓

Yes. You're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

#228

⇓

Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they laugh?

#229

⇓

Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they laugh?

#230

⇓

Wake up and smell the urinal I haven't cleaned in years!

#231

⇓

Wake up and smell the urinal I haven't cleaned in years!

#232

⇓

Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.

#233

⇓

Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.

#234

⇓

I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

#235

⇓

I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

#236

⇓

(Laughs)

#237

⇓

(Laughs)

#238

⇓

I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud.

#239

⇓

I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud.

#240

⇓

(Laughs) Yeah!

#241

⇓

(Laughs) Yeah!

#242

⇓

I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

#243

⇓

I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

#244

⇓

(Laughs)

#245

⇓

I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.

#246

⇓

I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.

#247

⇓

(Laughs) That's funny.

#248

⇓

(Laughs) That's funny.

#249

⇓

You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl!

#250

⇓

(Barks) I know.

#251

⇓

You get it now? Your relationship with your interns is a sham.

#252

⇓

You get it now? Your relationship with your interns is a sham.

#253

⇓

That dog just laughed at a pun.

#254

⇓

That dog just laughed at a pun.

#255

⇓

Not gonna lie to you, that hurts.

#256

⇓

- Tell me about your kid. - Oh, how'd you know I was a mom?

#257

⇓

- Tell me about your kid. - Oh, how'd you know I was a mom?

#258

⇓

As a parent myself, I can read the signs.

#259

⇓

As a parent myself, I can read the signs.

#260

⇓

And let us not forget the understated coffee mug.

#261

⇓

And let us not forget the understated coffee mug.

#262

⇓

- How do I know that guy? - Maybe you used to date him?

#263

⇓

- How do I know that guy? - Maybe you used to date him?

#264

⇓

Oh, that's so clever. I'm gay. Wow, that's good.

#265

⇓

Oh, that's so clever. I'm gay. Wow, that's good.

#266

⇓

I'm tired. Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association,

#267

⇓

I'm tired. Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association,

#268

⇓

and he's here to remove your goatee.

#269

⇓

and he's here to remove your goatee.

#270

⇓

What do you have, a boy or a girl?

#271

⇓

What do you have, a boy or a girl?

#272

⇓

I have a little girl. I don't get to see her often enough.

#273

⇓

I have a little girl. I don't get to see her often enough.

#274

⇓

See, I don't know, a few years ago I had a little business problem.

#275

⇓

See, I don't know, a few years ago I had a little business problem.

#276

⇓

- What was your business? - Import-export.

#277

⇓

- What was your business? - Import-export.

#278

⇓

Import heroin into my bloodstream,

#279

⇓

I would export vomit and urine into whatever alley would have me as a guest.

#280

⇓

I would export vomit and urine into whatever alley would have me as a guest.

#281

⇓

Sorry, that's a little smile I get when I'm silently judging someone.

#282

⇓

Sorry, that's a little smile I get when I'm silently judging someone.

#283

⇓

The thing is, it's Jenny's sixth birthday on Monday,

#284

⇓

and I'm not really sure that I can fly out and make it.

#285

⇓

and I'm not really sure that I can fly out and make it.

#286

⇓

It's... it's hard to get a job, you know?

#287

⇓

It's... it's hard to get a job, you know?

#288

⇓

Money's tight, I've got hospital bills that I can't pay.

#289

⇓

Money's tight, I've got hospital bills that I can't pay.

#290

⇓

- Sam, I am so sorry. - Yeah...

#291

⇓

- Sam, I am so sorry. - Yeah...

#292

⇓

I know who he is!

#293

⇓

I know who he is!

#294

⇓

- One little problem... - Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs!

#295

⇓

- One little problem... - Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs!

#296

⇓

For God's sake, I've been working you from every angle!

#297

⇓

For God's sake, I've been working you from every angle!

#298

⇓

That's the junkie who conned Elliot into giving him meds!

#299

⇓

It just got interesting, people!

#300

⇓

The Janitor was wrong.

#301

⇓

The Janitor was wrong.

#302

⇓

My interns weren't laughing at my jokes because I'm their boss!

#303

⇓

It made me think about how some people don't wanna open the door,

#304

⇓

It made me think about how some people don't wanna open the door,

#305

⇓

walk in and see the truth.

#306

⇓

walk in and see the truth.

#307

⇓

Why did you come here, Carla?

#308

⇓

Why did you come here, Carla?

#309

⇓

You're mad at me? Why didn't you want me to come to your job?

#310

⇓

You're mad at me? Why didn't you want me to come to your job?

#311

⇓

Hey, Bankfarter! If you want, we're all going down for lunch.

#312

⇓

You tell me.

#313

⇓

You tell me.

#314

⇓

After all, the truth can reveal the ugliest part of people.

#315

⇓

After all, the truth can reveal the ugliest part of people.

#316

⇓

That guy has conned damn near everyone in this hospital. We've gotta warn her.

#317

⇓

That guy has conned damn near everyone in this hospital. We've gotta warn her.

#318

⇓

Jordan! Whoa!

#319

⇓

Jordan! Whoa!

#320

⇓

She wanted to work here. Let her see what it's like to work here!

#321

⇓

She wanted to work here. Let her see what it's like to work here!

#322

⇓

And for God's sake, will you be a man?!

#323

⇓

And for God's sake, will you be a man?!

#324

⇓

As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was.

#325

⇓

As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was.

#326

⇓

Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.

#327

⇓

Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.

#328

⇓

How funny is this joke?

#329

⇓

How funny is this joke?

#330

⇓

That patient's tumour is so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor."

#331

⇓

That patient's tumour is so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor."

#332

⇓

(Laughs) "Threemor"! You are hilarious, Dr D!

#333

⇓

(Laughs) "Threemor"! You are hilarious, Dr D!

#334

⇓

Awful. It's awful!

#335

⇓

Awful. It's awful!

#336

⇓

Awful.

#337

⇓

Awful.

#338

⇓

OK, be cool. They're just kids.

#339

⇓

Except Gloria. What is her deal?

#340

⇓

Except Gloria. What is her deal?

#341

⇓

OK, guys, let's talk for a second as equals. All right?

#342

⇓

Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag.

#343

⇓

Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag.

#344

⇓

Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag.

#345

⇓

- I'm not a doctor right now. - You're still wearing scrubs.

#346

⇓

We are in a hospital, man.

#347

⇓

OK, we're off the property. Now let's talk.

#348

⇓

- Shouldn't we wait for Gloria? - Coming!

#349

⇓

- Shouldn't we wait for Gloria? - Coming!

#350

⇓

We'll catch her up later. Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes?

#351

⇓

We'll catch her up later. Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes?

#352

⇓

Be honest. I promise, absolutely no ramifications.

#353

⇓

Be honest. I promise, absolutely no ramifications.

#354

⇓

We've been kind of fake-laughing.

#355

⇓

We've been kind of fake-laughing.

#356

⇓

I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse.

#357

⇓

Look, your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh, you pick me to do procedures.

#358

⇓

Look, your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh, you pick me to do procedures.

#359

⇓

Look, your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh, you pick me to do procedures.

#360

⇓

Unbelievable. From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes

#361

⇓

Unbelievable. From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes

#362

⇓

unless they're particularly hysterical.

#363

⇓

unless they're particularly hysterical.

#364

⇓

Talk about your Mission: Impossibles.

#365

⇓

(J.D. laughs alone)

#366

⇓

(J.D. laughs alone)

#367

⇓

Case closed.

#368

⇓

What is it with you and costumes?

#369

⇓

What is it with you and costumes?

#370

⇓

I borrowed it from my brother. He's a stripper.

#371

⇓

- I'm... I'm here! - Gloria...

#372

⇓

- I'm... I'm here! - Gloria...

#373

⇓

Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because, well...

#374

⇓

Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because, well...

#375

⇓

Look, there's so much great about you.

#376

⇓

Look, there's so much great about you.

#377

⇓

You're smart, loyal,

#378

⇓

you shattered my preconceived notions about Chicanos!

#379

⇓

you shattered my preconceived notions about Chicanos!

#380

⇓

Elliot, bring it.

#381

⇓

You're a bit of a gossip.

#382

⇓

You're a bit of a gossip.

#383

⇓

So? I'm interested in people's stories!

#384

⇓

So? I'm interested in people's stories!

#385

⇓

Thanks to you, I have the worst nickname!

#386

⇓

Bankfarter's not so bad. It sounds German.

#387

⇓

Bankfarter's not so bad. It sounds German.

#388

⇓

Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I.

#389

⇓

Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I.

#390

⇓

He basically cured the disease.

#391

⇓

How did he have any time while torturing me?

#392

⇓

How did he have any time while torturing me?

#393

⇓

Jealousy's an ugly colour, Bankfarter.

#394

⇓

Jealousy's an ugly colour, Bankfarter.

#395

⇓

Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.

#396

⇓

Frick. Frick, frick, frick, frick, frickety-frick-frick-frick.

#397

⇓

Frick. Frick, frick, frick, frick, frickety-frick-frick-frick.

#398

⇓

Frick...

#399

⇓

Frick...

#400

⇓

I'm not sure how people go about doing nice things...

#401

⇓

I'm not sure how people go about doing nice things...

#402

⇓

...but here. You should be there for your daughter's birthday.

#403

⇓

...but here. You should be there for your daughter's birthday.

#404

⇓

I can't take that.

#405

⇓

I can't take that.

#406

⇓

Come on. I can't even Botox an ear with this.

#407

⇓

Come on. I can't even Botox an ear with this.

#408

⇓

Would everyone please watch this?

#409

⇓

Would everyone please watch this?

#410

⇓

Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy.

#411

⇓

He leads off with the chin quiver.

#412

⇓

He leads off with the chin quiver.

#413

⇓

Then he goes right to the look-away.

#414

⇓

He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!

#415

⇓

He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!

#416

⇓

And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear.

#417

⇓

And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear.

#418

⇓

That is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!

#419

⇓

That is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!

#420

⇓

I can't watch this.

#421

⇓

Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

#422

⇓

Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

#423

⇓

This is a little trust exercise that I really think's gonna connect us again.

#424

⇓

This is a little trust exercise that I really think's gonna connect us again.

#425

⇓

Remove your blindfolds, please.

#426

⇓

See your death. See your death.

#427

⇓

See your death. See your death.

#428

⇓

See your death.

#429

⇓

Keith. Don't worry, buddy, we're cool.

#430

⇓

Keith. Don't worry, buddy, we're cool.

#431

⇓

- Really? - No! See your death!

#432

⇓

- Really? - No! See your death!

#433

⇓

No! But I looked up to you!

#434

⇓

No! But I looked up to you!

#435

⇓

Hey! Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work?

#436

⇓

Hey! Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work?

#437

⇓

And for God sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria?

#438

⇓

And for God sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria?

#439

⇓

OK, enough waving. You wave too much. You abuse waving. Go.

#440

⇓

OK, enough waving. You wave too much. You abuse waving. Go.

#441

⇓

There it is, just like I said.

#442

⇓

There it is, just like I said.

#443

⇓

I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze.

#444

⇓

Gloria...

#445

⇓

- I can't believe I don't have a job! - Is that even yours?

#446

⇓

- I can't believe I don't have a job! - Is that even yours?

#447

⇓

I need your support right now, Carla!

#448

⇓

I need your support right now, Carla!

#449

⇓

Carla, you cannot tell Turk and J.D. About this until I get back on my feet.

#450

⇓

Carla, you cannot tell Turk and J.D. About this until I get back on my feet.

#451

⇓

- Why? They'll just feel bad for you. - No, they'll be merciless.

#452

⇓

- Why? They'll just feel bad for you. - No, they'll be merciless.

#453

⇓

Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you with anything.

#454

⇓

Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you with anything.

#455

⇓

- Where've you been? - Nowhere!

#456

⇓

- Where've you been? - Nowhere!

#457

⇓

- What're you doing? - Nothing!

#458

⇓

- What're you doing? - Nothing!

#459

⇓

- How's Blonde Doctor? - Jeez!

#460

⇓

- What's the dish? - I gotta go.

#461

⇓

Hey!

#462

⇓

Hey!

#463

⇓

My God, you got that saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy!

#464

⇓

My God, you got that saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy!

#465

⇓

- No, I don't. - Here it comes!

#466

⇓

- No, I don't. - Here it comes!

#467

⇓

Yes!

#468

⇓

- Oh, OK, here's the scoop! - Yes, here is the scoop, indeed.

#469

⇓

- Oh, OK, here's the scoop! - Yes, here is the scoop, indeed.

#470

⇓

- You gotta promise not to tell. - I know.

#471

⇓

- You gotta promise not to tell. - I know.

#472

⇓

- Sam? What are you doing back here? - Hey, lamb chop. Crazy story. I was...

#473

⇓

- Sam? What are you doing back here? - Hey, lamb chop. Crazy story. I was...

#474

⇓

I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident,

#475

⇓

I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident,

#476

⇓

and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you, but I...

#477

⇓

and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you, but I...

#478

⇓

Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist/drug addicts.

#479

⇓

Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist/drug addicts.

#480

⇓

- Nice to see you, sir. - You as well.

#481

⇓

Turkelton? You've dealt with him before.

#482

⇓

Turkelton? You've dealt with him before.

#483

⇓

- Hey, dude. - Why didn't you tell her?

#484

⇓

- Hey, dude. - Why didn't you tell her?

#485

⇓

'Cause he told me not to!

#486

⇓

- This is gonna cost you. - Get off my back, I'm not in the mood.

#487

⇓

- This is gonna cost you. - Get off my back, I'm not in the mood.

#488

⇓

- Say it again! - Get off my back, I'm not in the mood?

#489

⇓

That's what she said! Zoom, zoom, zoom!

#490

⇓

That's what she said! Zoom, zoom, zoom!

#491

⇓

OK, I'm sure you know about it. Go ahead, take your shots.

#492

⇓

OK, I'm sure you know about it. Go ahead, take your shots.

#493

⇓

You've got bug eyes.

#494

⇓

Because you dye your moustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.

#495

⇓

Because you dye your moustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.

#496

⇓

That's all that you have to say?

#497

⇓

That's all that you have to say?

#498

⇓

Excuse us.

#499

⇓

Excuse us.

#500

⇓

- Oh, my God! You kept a secret! - I know!

#501

⇓

I almost told them, but I didn't because I love you.

#502

⇓

I almost told them, but I didn't because I love you.

#503

⇓

I love you too!

#504

⇓

I... I had to tell Turk something, so you smoke a pipe now.

#505

⇓

I... I had to tell Turk something, so you smoke a pipe now.

#506

⇓

Coolio!

#507

⇓

What's wrong?

#508

⇓

What's wrong?

#509

⇓

We were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca,

#510

⇓

We were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca,

#511

⇓

but Turk got on my case about my interns!

#512

⇓

He's mad because they're sucking up. I was sayin',

#513

⇓

He's mad because they're sucking up. I was sayin',

#514

⇓

"That's the same thing you did with Dr Cox."

#515

⇓

"That's the same thing you did with Dr Cox."

#516

⇓

Know what? Put our right hand in front of your face.

#517

⇓

Now talk to it!

#518

⇓

Now talk to it!

#519

⇓

He's right. If you want to be a jerk attending too, go ahead.

#520

⇓

He's right. If you want to be a jerk attending too, go ahead.

#521

⇓

Don't do it because they resent you. Not fair.

#522

⇓

Dude, get up. I gotta go to the bathroom.

#523

⇓

Dude, get up. I gotta go to the bathroom.

#524

⇓

As I went to the men's room with Turk, praying he only had to go onesies,

#525

⇓

As I went to the men's room with Turk, praying he only had to go onesies,

#526

⇓

I thought about the different methods people use to teach.

#527

⇓

I thought about the different methods people use to teach.

#528

⇓

I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money

#529

⇓

I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money

#530

⇓

or skip the middleman and actually give him narcotics.

#531

⇓

or skip the middleman and actually give him narcotics.

#532

⇓

So I went ahead and brought your ATM card and a heroin sandwich.

#533

⇓

So I went ahead and brought your ATM card and a heroin sandwich.

#534

⇓

It's not heroin, it's smoked turkey.

#535

⇓

It's not heroin, it's smoked turkey.

#536

⇓

You thought if you made me look like a fool, I'd quit?

#537

⇓

You thought if you made me look like a fool, I'd quit?

#538

⇓

So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you. Don't worry, he totally suckered me once.

#539

⇓

So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you. Don't worry, he totally suckered me once.

#540

⇓

When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids.

#541

⇓

When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids.

#542

⇓

Last time I ever saw that IROC.

#543

⇓

Remember that patient who stole your identity?

#544

⇓

Remember that patient who stole your identity?

#545

⇓

Darryl! He's cool.

#546

⇓

From now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies.

#547

⇓

From now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies.

#548

⇓

It's a rite of passage you have to go through around here to be accepted.

#549

⇓

It's a rite of passage you have to go through around here to be accepted.

#550

⇓

Oh, my God! You actually did something nice for me!

#551

⇓

Oh, my God! You actually did something nice for me!

#552

⇓

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was a selfish act.

#553

⇓

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was a selfish act.

#554

⇓

If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!

#555

⇓

If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!

#556

⇓

Cute.

#557

⇓

I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy.

#558

⇓

I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy.

#559

⇓

Did we do something wrong, Dr Dorian?

#560

⇓

Did we do something wrong, Dr Dorian?

#561

⇓

You're fine. You're doing a good job.

#562

⇓

Good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.

#563

⇓

Good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.

#564

⇓

You know what, I want the laughter back!

#565

⇓

You know what, I want the laughter back!

#566

⇓

(All laugh)

#567

⇓

And you know what, I liked it when you waved.

#568

⇓

And you know what, I liked it when you waved.

#569

⇓

That was nice. Why don't all of you just wave!

#570

⇓

That was nice. Why don't all of you just wave!

#571

⇓

All right.

#572

⇓

You can deal with anything,

#573

⇓

You can deal with anything,

#574

⇓

as long as you have a group of friends around to go through it all with you.

#575

⇓

as long as you have a group of friends around to go through it all with you.

#576

⇓

Hey, guys. What's going on?

#577

⇓

Hey, guys. What's going on?

#578

⇓

I can't imagine what it would be like if I were all on my own.

#579

⇓

I can't imagine what it would be like if I were all on my own.

#580

⇓

Excuse me, can I please borrow your "Help Wanted" section? Thank you!

#581

⇓

Excuse me, can I please borrow your "Help Wanted" section? Thank you!

#582

⇓

Captioned by Access Innovation Media www.ai-media.tv

#583

⇓

Captioned by Access Innovation Media www.ai-media.tv

#584

⇓