Home » Scrubs » S05E03 — My Day at the Races

Scrubs

Season 5, Episode 3 — My Day at the Races

Since I was currently homeless,

#1

⇓

Turk and Carla let me crash here as long as I needed.

#2

⇓

Turk and Carla let me crash here as long as I needed.

#3

⇓

You have to get out. This place is tiny.

#4

⇓

I'm sick of seeing your man-panties all over the bathroom.

#5

⇓

I'm sick of seeing your man-panties all over the bathroom.

#6

⇓

- They're called boxers, Carla. - They're satin, J.D.

#7

⇓

- They're called boxers, Carla. - They're satin, J.D.

#8

⇓

With a breathable cotton crotch panel. King me.

#9

⇓

With a breathable cotton crotch panel. King me.

#10

⇓

I need to find someone to split the rent at my place.

#11

⇓

I need to find someone to split the rent at my place.

#12

⇓

I thought you get good money at your fellowship.

#13

⇓

My fellowship gets cancelled because some jackass cures the disease,

#14

⇓

My fellowship gets cancelled because some jackass cures the disease,

#15

⇓

and the only job I can get is working at this free clinic

#16

⇓

and the only job I can get is working at this free clinic

#17

⇓

for eight bucks an hour. No one's life could be worse than mine.

#18

⇓

for eight bucks an hour. No one's life could be worse than mine.

#19

⇓

The fellowship's great.

#20

⇓

Carla, please don't tell them I'm working at a free clinic.

#21

⇓

Carla, please don't tell them I'm working at a free clinic.

#22

⇓

She doesn't want me to tell them.

#23

⇓

She doesn't want me to tell them.

#24

⇓

Women have an unspoken connection men can't even fathom.

#25

⇓

Women have an unspoken connection men can't even fathom.

#26

⇓

You can't look because Carla's here,

#27

⇓

but you're missing a Victoria's Secret commercial.

#28

⇓

but you're missing a Victoria's Secret commercial.

#29

⇓

I'm watching Gisele in my spoon right now.

#30

⇓

I'm watching Gisele in my spoon right now.

#31

⇓

You know, you two could solve both of your problems if you moved in together.

#32

⇓

You know, you two could solve both of your problems if you moved in together.

#33

⇓

- Whoa, whoa, whoa and whoa! - Hold your horses!

#34

⇓

- Whoa, whoa, whoa and whoa! - Hold your horses!

#35

⇓

- We have a very complicated past. - I hurt her, and I'm not proud.

#36

⇓

- We have a very complicated past. - I hurt her, and I'm not proud.

#37

⇓

I'm a little proud.

#38

⇓

We've restored our friendship by staying away from dangerous topics.

#39

⇓

We've restored our friendship by staying away from dangerous topics.

#40

⇓

Relationships, things of that nature.

#41

⇓

Relationships, things of that nature.

#42

⇓

- J.D. And I keep it superficial. - Love the superficial.

#43

⇓

- J.D. And I keep it superficial. - Love the superficial.

#44

⇓

- Dynamite teeth today. - Oh, thanks, buddy!

#45

⇓

- Sparkly! - Yeah!

#46

⇓

- Sparkly! - Yeah!

#47

⇓

You can't live with Elliot but you're not living with us. Get out by Friday.

#48

⇓

You can't live with Elliot but you're not living with us. Get out by Friday.

#49

⇓

Friday's my birthday. I've e-vited everyone to a party at our place.

#50

⇓

Friday's my birthday. I've e-vited everyone to a party at our place.

#51

⇓

- Whose place? - Your place.

#52

⇓

- Whose place? - Your place.

#53

⇓

I can't just un-e-vite everyone.

#54

⇓

I've already got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.

#55

⇓

I've already got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.

#56

⇓

Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

#57

⇓

Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.

#58

⇓

It's a Mexican-themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday.

#59

⇓

It's a Mexican-themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday.

#60

⇓

That means I'm turning 30.

#61

⇓

That means I'm turning 30.

#62

⇓

Donde? 56 Walnut Drive.

#63

⇓

Donde? 56 Walnut Drive.

#64

⇓

Quando? Thank you for asking.

#65

⇓

Ocho-thirty until upside-down question mark. Sombreros at the door.

#66

⇓

Ocho-thirty until upside-down question mark. Sombreros at the door.

#67

⇓

(Trills)

#68

⇓

(Trills)

#69

⇓

I'll be there.

#70

⇓

Gracias, amigo.

#71

⇓

I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

#72

⇓

I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

#73

⇓

Since 12 surgical residents at Sacred Heart were fighting

#74

⇓

Since 12 surgical residents at Sacred Heart were fighting

#75

⇓

for four attending spots, Turk was ass-kissing senior staff.

#76

⇓

Oh, damn, I left my briefcase upstairs.

#77

⇓

Oh, damn, I left my briefcase upstairs.

#78

⇓

Excuse me a second.

#79

⇓

Excuse me a second.

#80

⇓

Turk thought he was the only one who heard that.

#81

⇓

Dr Wen! Dr Wen! I've got your brief...

#82

⇓

He was not.

#83

⇓

He was not.

#84

⇓

I had no idea that there was that many Asian surgeons in this hospital.

#85

⇓

I had no idea that there was that many Asian surgeons in this hospital.

#86

⇓

I got your back, T-Dog.

#87

⇓

Then let it begin.

#88

⇓

Then let it begin.

#89

⇓

('KUNG FU FIGHTING')

#90

⇓

('KUNG FU FIGHTING')

#91

⇓

('KUNG FU FIGHTING')

#92

⇓

Yeeeeaaaaarrrrr!

#93

⇓

Yeeeeaaaaarrrrr!

#94

⇓

Yeeeeaaaaarrrrr!

#95

⇓

Quit fooling around with those guys and get down here!

#96

⇓

Quit fooling around with those guys and get down here!

#97

⇓

Here comes the big dog!

#98

⇓

Here comes the big dog!

#99

⇓

- Dude. - Yeah.

#100

⇓

- Thanks for having my back. - Yeah. Betrayal five.

#101

⇓

- Thanks for having my back. - Yeah. Betrayal five.

#102

⇓

What?

#103

⇓

- Hey, buddy. - Hey!

#104

⇓

- Hey, buddy. - Hey!

#105

⇓

Betrayal five.

#106

⇓

Dr Wen!

#107

⇓

- Oh, my briefcase. - Yeah.

#108

⇓

- Oh, my briefcase. - Yeah.

#109

⇓

You know, I totally saw that coming.

#110

⇓

(THEME SONG)

#111

⇓

(THEME SONG)

#112

⇓

Dude, look at you. Thirty years old, all growed up.

#113

⇓

Dude, look at you. Thirty years old, all growed up.

#114

⇓

Oh, really, Turk?

#115

⇓

Because the Sacred Heart sign I vandalised last night begs to differ.

#116

⇓

Because the Sacred Heart sign I vandalised last night begs to differ.

#117

⇓

Remember when we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by 30?

#118

⇓

Remember when we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by 30?

#119

⇓

- Yeah. - Check it!

#120

⇓

"Things to do by 30: Get married, buy a house,

#121

⇓

"Things to do by 30: Get married, buy a house,

#122

⇓

learn difference between senator and congressman."

#123

⇓

- You haven't done any. - I know. Who cares?

#124

⇓

- You haven't done any. - I know. Who cares?

#125

⇓

I got all the time in the world. I mean, I'm only turning 30.

#126

⇓

I got all the time in the world. I mean, I'm only turning 30.

#127

⇓

- Thirty? - No one's 30.

#128

⇓

Where did all these unsupervised children come from?

#129

⇓

So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs...

#130

⇓

So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs...

#131

⇓

...Appendectomy?

#132

⇓

Now that ain't right!

#133

⇓

Now that ain't right!

#134

⇓

15 percent of surgical complications are anaesthesia-related.

#135

⇓

15 percent of surgical complications are anaesthesia-related.

#136

⇓

I'd like to use hypnosis instead of anaesthesia.

#137

⇓

I'd like to use hypnosis instead of anaesthesia.

#138

⇓

I'd like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight,

#139

⇓

but that ain't happening either.

#140

⇓

but that ain't happening either.

#141

⇓

I'll think about it.

#142

⇓

I'll think about it.

#143

⇓

My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anaesthesia.

#144

⇓

My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anaesthesia.

#145

⇓

I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani instead of Jordan.

#146

⇓

That ain't gonna happen.

#147

⇓

That ain't gonna happen.

#148

⇓

- Dr Cox! - Dr Cox!

#149

⇓

- Dr Cox! - Dr Cox!

#150

⇓

No! Awful!

#151

⇓

Hypnosis is a powerful tool.

#152

⇓

It's helped with depression, weight loss, helped me quit smoking.

#153

⇓

It's helped with depression, weight loss, helped me quit smoking.

#154

⇓

Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges.

#155

⇓

Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges.

#156

⇓

You go tell your patient to let you do what you do best:

#157

⇓

You go tell your patient to let you do what you do best:

#158

⇓

Knock her out, start digging around inside

#159

⇓

Knock her out, start digging around inside

#160

⇓

- like a blind man looking for a nickel. - You should do it.

#161

⇓

- Knock her out and dig. - Do it.

#162

⇓

- Knock her out and dig. - Do it.

#163

⇓

- Dig. Dig. Dig. - Do it. Do it.

#164

⇓

OK. I'm gonna go with Dr Cox on this one.

#165

⇓

OK. I'm gonna go with Dr Cox on this one.

#166

⇓

That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it.

#167

⇓

That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it.

#168

⇓

You always side with the wife, even if she's got a case of the crazies.

#169

⇓

You always side with the wife, even if she's got a case of the crazies.

#170

⇓

Turk, we're gonna have kids soon. We're supposed to be a team.

#171

⇓

You occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion.

#172

⇓

What if we have a daughter and she wants her ears pierced?

#173

⇓

What if we have a daughter and she wants her ears pierced?

#174

⇓

We're not having a daughter.

#175

⇓

We're not having a daughter.

#176

⇓

What if we have a son and he wants to take dance,

#177

⇓

though his friends play football?

#178

⇓

though his friends play football?

#179

⇓

He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind.

#180

⇓

He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind.

#181

⇓

# 'Cause his friends don't dance and if they don't dance

#182

⇓

# 'Cause his friends don't dance and if they don't dance

#183

⇓

# then they're no friends of mine

#184

⇓

# S- S-S-S, A-A-A-A, F-F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E-E

#185

⇓

# S- S-S-S, A-A-A-A, F-F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E-E

#186

⇓

I said, "What if our son wants to take dance class

#187

⇓

instead of football with his friends?" Turk ran off singing Safety Dance.

#188

⇓

instead of football with his friends?" Turk ran off singing Safety Dance.

#189

⇓

Didn't you learn your lesson the time you told him the commissar was in town?

#190

⇓

Didn't you learn your lesson the time you told him the commissar was in town?

#191

⇓

Didn't you learn your lesson the time you told him the commissar was in town?

#192

⇓

- Yeah. - Someone's leaving!

#193

⇓

We saw it first!

#194

⇓

We saw it first!

#195

⇓

Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna cram an entire evening's worth of drinking

#196

⇓

Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna cram an entire evening's worth of drinking

#197

⇓

into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them.

#198

⇓

into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them.

#199

⇓

Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one.

#200

⇓

I've worked with her before. She has no off button.

#201

⇓

I've worked with her before. She has no off button.

#202

⇓

If money is tight, have Jake move in with you.

#203

⇓

If money is tight, have Jake move in with you.

#204

⇓

- Who's Jake? - Jordan!

#205

⇓

No!

#206

⇓

No!

#207

⇓

He's this guy I've been going out with.

#208

⇓

We're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off.

#209

⇓

We're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off.

#210

⇓

Sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?

#211

⇓

Sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?

#212

⇓

Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!

#213

⇓

Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!

#214

⇓

Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it.

#215

⇓

Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it.

#216

⇓

Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up.

#217

⇓

Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up.

#218

⇓

You know, like Turk can be a little...immature.

#219

⇓

You know, like Turk can be a little...immature.

#220

⇓

I have to talk about my feelings over dinner

#221

⇓

or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.

#222

⇓

or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.

#223

⇓

Or maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on 50 pounds,

#224

⇓

Or maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on 50 pounds,

#225

⇓

start collecting knickknacks and meet your future now.

#226

⇓

start collecting knickknacks and meet your future now.

#227

⇓

You know, before the loneliness burns too much?

#228

⇓

You know, before the loneliness burns too much?

#229

⇓

(laughs)

#230

⇓

(laughs)

#231

⇓

Gosh, I did enjoy that!

#232

⇓

You haven't done anything on this list. Never slept naked on a hammock?

#233

⇓

You haven't done anything on this list. Never slept naked on a hammock?

#234

⇓

I'm afraid of dragonflies. I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this.

#235

⇓

I'm afraid of dragonflies. I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this.

#236

⇓

Neither one of us has made headway.

#237

⇓

Don't lump me in with you. I'm a surgeon, I'm married,

#238

⇓

Don't lump me in with you. I'm a surgeon, I'm married,

#239

⇓

I've had sex while playing Frogger, I'm gonna be a dad.

#240

⇓

I've had sex while playing Frogger, I'm gonna be a dad.

#241

⇓

I'm moving through my list.

#242

⇓

I've done nothing. I learned another language,

#243

⇓

I've done nothing. I learned another language,

#244

⇓

but it was that one where you put a "b" in every word.

#245

⇓

but it was that one where you put a "b" in every word.

#246

⇓

- I was never fluent. - That secret language was so lame.

#247

⇓

Nobba with the ladie-bb-ys!

#248

⇓

Nobba with the ladie-bb-ys!

#249

⇓

Dr Kelso! Have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?

#250

⇓

Dr Kelso! Have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?

#251

⇓

There are four spots for next year.

#252

⇓

There are four spots for next year.

#253

⇓

Three, not counting one going to me!

#254

⇓

I'm gonna stick with four.

#255

⇓

I'm gonna stick with four.

#256

⇓

See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart...

#257

⇓

See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart...

#258

⇓

(laughs) Did you see the sign?

#259

⇓

(laughs) Did you see the sign?

#260

⇓

Though there will be no vandalism here, people!

#261

⇓

Though there will be no vandalism here, people!

#262

⇓

It was classic.

#263

⇓

Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.

#264

⇓

Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.

#265

⇓

I don't know if you know, but I'm doing an appendectomy

#266

⇓

I don't know if you know, but I'm doing an appendectomy

#267

⇓

using hypnosis instead of anaesthesia.

#268

⇓

using hypnosis instead of anaesthesia.

#269

⇓

Well, it's about time.

#270

⇓

Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh.

#271

⇓

Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh.

#272

⇓

Maybe because that's not my name.

#273

⇓

Maybe because that's not my name.

#274

⇓

Not yet, Turkleton. Not yet.

#275

⇓

Elliot, I don't think I understand what you want.

#276

⇓

Elliot, I don't think I understand what you want.

#277

⇓

I just want you to open up, you know, emotionally, spiritually.

#278

⇓

I just want you to open up, you know, emotionally, spiritually.

#279

⇓

I'm not exactly religious, you know,

#280

⇓

I'm not exactly religious, you know,

#281

⇓

but I do think that God watches after my family and,

#282

⇓

but I do think that God watches after my family and,

#283

⇓

well, my favourite sports teams.

#284

⇓

Tenth grade, He made Jennifer Martin sleep with me.

#285

⇓

Tenth grade, He made Jennifer Martin sleep with me.

#286

⇓

OK. How about opening up sexually?

#287

⇓

OK. How about opening up sexually?

#288

⇓

What's your wildest fantasy?

#289

⇓

- Yeah, it's not happening. - Come on!

#290

⇓

- Yeah, it's not happening. - Come on!

#291

⇓

In bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'!

#292

⇓

In bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'!

#293

⇓

You're quiet as a mouse. The screaming is in your head.

#294

⇓

Yeah, but in there, it's crazy.

#295

⇓

Yeah, but in there, it's crazy.

#296

⇓

Fine, why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy.

#297

⇓

Fine, why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy.

#298

⇓

OK, fine.

#299

⇓

OK, fine.

#300

⇓

You're a Mexican apple thief, I run the cider house.

#301

⇓

I catch you behind the stone mill, you chase me into the tasting room...

#302

⇓

I catch you behind the stone mill, you chase me into the tasting room...

#303

⇓

If there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it.

#304

⇓

If there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it.

#305

⇓

We're alone, you don't speak a word of English,

#306

⇓

We're alone, you don't speak a word of English,

#307

⇓

but you teach me more about hard cider than I learned from my fermenting exams.

#308

⇓

but you teach me more about hard cider than I learned from my fermenting exams.

#309

⇓

And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery.

#310

⇓

And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery.

#311

⇓

Oh, God, I can be such an apple slut.

#312

⇓

Oh, God, I can be such an apple slut.

#313

⇓

OK.

#314

⇓

When did we lose Mr Heath?

#315

⇓

When did we lose Mr Heath?

#316

⇓

Oh, we didn't. His vitals are fine.

#317

⇓

Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.

#318

⇓

Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.

#319

⇓

A slow day in my morgue. Nothing's written in stone.

#320

⇓

A slow day in my morgue. Nothing's written in stone.

#321

⇓

- You wrote a time of death! - I wrote "one-ish."

#322

⇓

- You wrote a time of death! - I wrote "one-ish."

#323

⇓

- Get outta here! - Why are you so pissy?

#324

⇓

- Get outta here! - Why are you so pissy?

#325

⇓

Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn 30.

#326

⇓

Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn 30.

#327

⇓

I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.

#328

⇓

Swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.

#329

⇓

Swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.

#330

⇓

Haven't you used that joke a trillion times?

#331

⇓

Haven't you used that joke a trillion times?

#332

⇓

I'm OK with it.

#333

⇓

"Invent a cereal"? "Complete a triathlon"?

#334

⇓

"Invent a cereal"? "Complete a triathlon"?

#335

⇓

There's a triathlon tomorrow.

#336

⇓

Thing One and Thing Two have been training for it.

#337

⇓

Thing One and Thing Two have been training for it.

#338

⇓

We're working on our drafting technique.

#339

⇓

We're working on our drafting technique.

#340

⇓

If your goal is to repel all women, it's definitely working.

#341

⇓

If your goal is to repel all women, it's definitely working.

#342

⇓

Ignoring him... And switch.

#343

⇓

Ignoring him... And switch.

#344

⇓

I'll do the triathlon!

#345

⇓

You don't know about triathlons.

#346

⇓

You don't know about triathlons.

#347

⇓

I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either.

#348

⇓

If it wasn't for a cease and desist letter,

#349

⇓

we'd be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.

#350

⇓

we'd be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.

#351

⇓

You're not serious about this, are you?

#352

⇓

- Why is everybody wearing wetsuits? - The water's like 49 degrees.

#353

⇓

- Why is everybody wearing wetsuits? - The water's like 49 degrees.

#354

⇓

So, what's your best time, buster?

#355

⇓

Honestly, Ted, it doesn't really matter, as long as I finish by 6:41 tonight.

#356

⇓

Honestly, Ted, it doesn't really matter, as long as I finish by 6:41 tonight.

#357

⇓

The harder you push yourself to do something, the harder it is to back out.

#358

⇓

The harder you push yourself to do something, the harder it is to back out.

#359

⇓

Whether you're caught in a lie with your wife...

#360

⇓

Whether you're caught in a lie with your wife...

#361

⇓

I heard you were doing the hypnosis surgery. You actually listened to me!

#362

⇓

I heard you were doing the hypnosis surgery. You actually listened to me!

#363

⇓

Hell, yeah, I listened to you. Baby, come on!

#364

⇓

Hell, yeah, I listened to you. Baby, come on!

#365

⇓

That's the reason I'm doing it. 'Cause of you and how well I listen.

#366

⇓

That's the reason I'm doing it. 'Cause of you and how well I listen.

#367

⇓

- I love you. - I love you.

#368

⇓

..or you're trying to get your boyfriend to open up.

#369

⇓

..or you're trying to get your boyfriend to open up.

#370

⇓

Come on! Come in and show me what you really like.

#371

⇓

Come on! Come in and show me what you really like.

#372

⇓

No one is gonna judge you.

#373

⇓

Oh, my God, Jake!

#374

⇓

- You wanna talk about it? - Nope!

#375

⇓

- You wanna talk about it? - Nope!

#376

⇓

And sometimes, the only thing you can do is just dive in.

#377

⇓

And sometimes, the only thing you can do is just dive in.

#378

⇓

Oh, Jehovah, that's cold!

#379

⇓

Oh, Jehovah, that's cold!

#380

⇓

Oh, God, ah!

#381

⇓

There's a little. Here's some more.

#382

⇓

All right, ease it in. Ease it in.

#383

⇓

As I sidestroked through the salty waters of the great Pacific...

#384

⇓

Pick an apple, put it in your pocket.

#385

⇓

Pick an apple, put it in your pocket.

#386

⇓

..I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was.

#387

⇓

..I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was.

#388

⇓

Why are these cameras here?

#389

⇓

Why are these cameras here?

#390

⇓

Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart.

#391

⇓

(Laughs)

#392

⇓

(Laughs)

#393

⇓

I can't help it, it kills me.

#394

⇓

Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese news anchor

#395

⇓

Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese news anchor

#396

⇓

who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.

#397

⇓

who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.

#398

⇓

If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!

#399

⇓

If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!

#400

⇓

We're getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at Caltech,

#401

⇓

We're getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at Caltech,

#402

⇓

who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream

#403

⇓

who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream

#404

⇓

emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course,

#405

⇓

emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course,

#406

⇓

the numerous after-screams that are sure to follow.

#407

⇓

the numerous after-screams that are sure to follow.

#408

⇓

No interviews!

#409

⇓

Turk. Turk, where are you going?

#410

⇓

I can't do this. I don't believe in this hypnotism crap.

#411

⇓

I can't do this. I don't believe in this hypnotism crap.

#412

⇓

- I only needed to impress Kelso. - Great, you lied to me.

#413

⇓

- I only needed to impress Kelso. - Great, you lied to me.

#414

⇓

I'm about to ruin my career by plunging a knife into a conscious person.

#415

⇓

I'm about to ruin my career by plunging a knife into a conscious person.

#416

⇓

But you know what, you're absolutely right, let's focus on the lying.

#417

⇓

But you know what, you're absolutely right, let's focus on the lying.

#418

⇓

As I reached the biking stage and finally realised what chafing was,

#419

⇓

As I reached the biking stage and finally realised what chafing was,

#420

⇓

I got a surprise visitor.

#421

⇓

(rings bell) How's it goin'?

#422

⇓

My bike is rusty,

#423

⇓

I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they touched water,

#424

⇓

I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they touched water,

#425

⇓

the only thing I've had to eat is a half a jellyfish.

#426

⇓

the only thing I've had to eat is a half a jellyfish.

#427

⇓

- Why are you here? - Can I talk about Jake?

#428

⇓

- Why are you here? - Can I talk about Jake?

#429

⇓

Talk to Carla.

#430

⇓

Anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner.

#431

⇓

Anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner.

#432

⇓

I've been dating this guy. I found out that he went on a gay cruise.

#433

⇓

I've been dating this guy. I found out that he went on a gay cruise.

#434

⇓

A trick. Marry him, the four of us'll have dinner.

#435

⇓

A trick. Marry him, the four of us'll have dinner.

#436

⇓

- He said he might be gay! - Dinner!

#437

⇓

Talking about Jake violates the most important tenants of our relationship.

#438

⇓

Talking about Jake violates the most important tenants of our relationship.

#439

⇓

One, keep discussion superficial.

#440

⇓

One, keep discussion superficial.

#441

⇓

And two, no talking while my boys are straddling chrome.

#442

⇓

And two, no talking while my boys are straddling chrome.

#443

⇓

- That one's new. - Why don't you try a higher gear?

#444

⇓

- That one's new. - Why don't you try a higher gear?

#445

⇓

- It's like pedalling in hummus! - See ya, buddy!

#446

⇓

- It's like pedalling in hummus! - See ya, buddy!

#447

⇓

Oh, thank God!

#448

⇓

Oh, thank God!

#449

⇓

I think the bike part's finally over. Oh, no!

#450

⇓

I think the bike part's finally over. Oh, no!

#451

⇓

I can play with signs too!

#452

⇓

I can play with signs too!

#453

⇓

This is great. I'm being assisted by a magician.

#454

⇓

This is great. I'm being assisted by a magician.

#455

⇓

The only way you're gonna get through this is if you believe it's gonna work.

#456

⇓

The only way you're gonna get through this is if you believe it's gonna work.

#457

⇓

Ow!

#458

⇓

Ow!

#459

⇓

That was just a fingernail, honey!

#460

⇓

How would you like it if I cut out your appendix?

#461

⇓

How would you like it if I cut out your appendix?

#462

⇓

Forget for a second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding,

#463

⇓

Forget for a second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding,

#464

⇓

aid recovery, or help patients deal with pain. You are married.

#465

⇓

aid recovery, or help patients deal with pain. You are married.

#466

⇓

So start believing what I tell you to believe. And don't pinch me!

#467

⇓

So start believing what I tell you to believe. And don't pinch me!

#468

⇓

During the eight-mile run, dehydration set in.

#469

⇓

During the eight-mile run, dehydration set in.

#470

⇓

- Hang in there, buddy! - See you at the luau!

#471

⇓

- Hang in there, buddy! - See you at the luau!

#472

⇓

They already finished and cooked a pig?

#473

⇓

Hey, J.D.

#474

⇓

Hey, J.D.

#475

⇓

You're real. Although the dolphin costume's a little odd.

#476

⇓

You're real. Although the dolphin costume's a little odd.

#477

⇓

This Jake thing is still really bothering me.

#478

⇓

This Jake thing is still really bothering me.

#479

⇓

- You know our rules. - I've been thinking.

#480

⇓

Who wants to have a superficial friendship?

#481

⇓

Who wants to have a superficial friendship?

#482

⇓

Do you remember how close we used to be?

#483

⇓

Do you remember how close we used to be?

#484

⇓

Dealing with Dr Cox, our screwed-up families,

#485

⇓

talking about everything? I miss that.

#486

⇓

talking about everything? I miss that.

#487

⇓

- This is working. - Not for me.

#488

⇓

- This is working. - Not for me.

#489

⇓

I wanna be able to tell you my boyfriend freaked me out.

#490

⇓

Why don't you go talk to him?

#491

⇓

Why don't you go talk to him?

#492

⇓

I don't know! You tell me.

#493

⇓

I don't know! You tell me.

#494

⇓

Fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me.

#495

⇓

Fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me.

#496

⇓

You're scared. You feel you haven't accomplished anything.

#497

⇓

You're scared. You feel you haven't accomplished anything.

#498

⇓

Instead of running a triathlon,

#499

⇓

you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with.

#500

⇓

you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with.

#501

⇓

You know as well as I do, he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you

#502

⇓

You know as well as I do, he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you

#503

⇓

when you really prefer red, except you never told him that. Know why?

#504

⇓

when you really prefer red, except you never told him that. Know why?

#505

⇓

It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?

#506

⇓

It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?

#507

⇓

You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

#508

⇓

You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

#509

⇓

Must... finish... race.

#510

⇓

Must... finish... race.

#511

⇓

You can do this. You can do this.

#512

⇓

You can do this. You can do this.

#513

⇓

- What are you saying to her? - "You can do this. You can do this."

#514

⇓

- What are you saying to her? - "You can do this. You can do this."

#515

⇓

Small world. Scalpel.

#516

⇓

Small world. Scalpel.

#517

⇓

Making first incision.

#518

⇓

Making first incision.

#519

⇓

Well, here goes.

#520

⇓

Well, here goes.

#521

⇓

Hmmm?

#522

⇓

Hmmm?

#523

⇓

All right!

#524

⇓

Clamp, please!

#525

⇓

They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end.

#526

⇓

They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end.

#527

⇓

They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end.

#528

⇓

Sometimes it comes quietly.

#529

⇓

Sometimes it comes quietly.

#530

⇓

- I like red. - You do?

#531

⇓

Jake, I think we need to talk.

#532

⇓

Jake, I think we need to talk.

#533

⇓

- Sometimes, not so quietly. - You can do this.

#534

⇓

Oh-b no-b.

#535

⇓

(Screams) You can do this! You can do this!

#536

⇓

(Screams) You can do this! You can do this!

#537

⇓

You can do this! You can do this!

#538

⇓

And suddenly, you realise you've taken something as far as it can go.

#539

⇓

And suddenly, you realise you've taken something as far as it can go.

#540

⇓

And suddenly, you realise you've taken something as far as it can go.

#541

⇓

- What the hell was I thinking? - No, you did great, baby.

#542

⇓

- What the hell was I thinking? - No, you did great, baby.

#543

⇓

She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anaesthesia,

#544

⇓

you made it halfway through. I bet you could publish that.

#545

⇓

you made it halfway through. I bet you could publish that.

#546

⇓

Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.

#547

⇓

Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.

#548

⇓

You know, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.

#549

⇓

You know, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.

#550

⇓

How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.

#551

⇓

How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.

#552

⇓

See? My baby made some noise.

#553

⇓

Yeah, I made some noise, all right.

#554

⇓

Yeah, I made some noise, all right.

#555

⇓

J.D., what you said before...

#556

⇓

I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad.

#557

⇓

I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad.

#558

⇓

(Mutters indistinctly)

#559

⇓

Thanks. You were wrong about one thing, though.

#560

⇓

Thanks. You were wrong about one thing, though.

#561

⇓

We are moving forward.

#562

⇓

We are moving forward.

#563

⇓

Elliot, I'm 30 years old, I'm single, I'm homeless

#564

⇓

Elliot, I'm 30 years old, I'm single, I'm homeless

#565

⇓

and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.

#566

⇓

Why don't you just move into my place?

#567

⇓

Why don't you just move into my place?

#568

⇓

Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.

#569

⇓

By my watch, you've got eight minutes to finish this thing. Come on.

#570

⇓

By my watch, you've got eight minutes to finish this thing. Come on.

#571

⇓

A wise man once said the human spirit can overcome any obstacle.

#572

⇓

A wise man once said the human spirit can overcome any obstacle.

#573

⇓

- I can't. - Come on!

#574

⇓

That man had obviously never run a triathlon.

#575

⇓

That man had obviously never run a triathlon.

#576

⇓

Come on.

#577

⇓

You're not really helping!

#578

⇓

You're not really helping!

#579

⇓

Are you sure this is the finish line?

#580

⇓

Are you sure this is the finish line?

#581

⇓

I think I see him.

#582

⇓

As for me, I could overcome any obstacle,

#583

⇓

as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.

#584

⇓

as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.

#585

⇓

Woohoo! We made it!

#586

⇓

Woohoo! We made it!

#587

⇓

And with... and with two minutes to spare!

#588

⇓

And with... and with two minutes to spare!

#589

⇓

Whoa!

#590

⇓

(Both laugh)

#591

⇓

(Both laugh)

#592

⇓

Baby, I'm not carrying 'em to the car.

#593

⇓

Baby, I'm not carrying 'em to the car.

#594

⇓

Promise to help me get through my thirtieth?

#595

⇓

Promise to help me get through my thirtieth?

#596

⇓

Mm-hm. Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?

#597

⇓

Mm-hm. Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?

#598

⇓

- Nope. - It involve chains?

#599

⇓

- No. - Whips?

#600

⇓

- No. - Whips?

#601

⇓

- Candle wax? - No.

#602

⇓

- Role playing? Lasers? - No.

#603

⇓

- Hamsters? - Negative.

#604

⇓

- Hamsters? - Negative.

#605

⇓

- Was he a Mexican apple thief? - (Sighs) If only.

#606

⇓

- Was he a Mexican apple thief? - (Sighs) If only.

#607

⇓

Captioned by Access Innovation Media www.ai-media.tv

#608

⇓