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Home » I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson » S02E06 — I need a wet paper towel.

I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson

Season 2, Episode 6 — I need a wet paper towel.

TMDB episode metadata
Show: I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
Episode title: I need a wet paper towel.
Air date: July 06, 2021
Directors: Akiva Schaffer, Alice Mathias, Zach Kanin
Top billed cast: Tim Robinson
A mistaken identity at work. The new "Tammy Craps" doll. Some interesting instructional videos during a Driver's Ed class and an attempted ear-piercing.
Source: TMDB
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[sighs]
sighs
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-What the fuck did I do? -[Tulving] Luca.
fuck
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-Yes, Miss Tulving. -Just tell me what happened here.
happenedmiss
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[scoffs] I fucked up. That's what happened. I fucked up.
fuckedhappenedscoffs
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I found a guy who looks just like Dave who can take huge dumps,
davedumpsfoundhuge
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so people would think Dave was taking huge dumps.
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-Why did you do that? -I don't know.
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I mean, ultimately, I guess I wanted
ultimatelywanted
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people to think Dave was taking huge, embarrassing dumps.
davedumpsembarrassinghuge
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If I had to come up with a reason, that would be it.
reason
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And honestly, that might be it.
might
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-This guy barely looks like Dave. -From the back, he does.
barelydave
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When he hugs the wall and crab walks, from the back, he does.
crabhugswalkswall
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With all due respect, it worked 150 times.
respecttimesworked
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Oh, my God. How long have you been doing this?
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What do you want me to do?
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Luca, you're gonna have to start taking this seriously.
start
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[shouting] I am serious, ma'am!
maamseriousshouting
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I'm serious as a heart attack! I didn't do this!
attackheartheart-attackserious
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-What? -You know what the fucked up part is?
fuckedpart
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I think part of me wanted to get caught.
caughtpartwanted
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I was sick of the cat and mouse game because, Dave, you're no Tom.
davegamemousesick
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Just Jerry running around the house
housejerryrunning
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doing whatever he wanted, sniffing the wife's panties.
pantiessniffingwantedwifes
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I don't think Jerry ever sniffed panties.
jerrypanties
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You weren't with him 24/7 in the cartoon.
cartoon
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You don't think that a little piece of food
foodpiece
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ever got caught in the underwear drawer and he took a whiff?
caughtdrawerunderwearwhiff
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Jesus, Luca, come on.
jesus
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[exhales]
exhales
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Could I just have a few moments to collect my thoughts?
collectmomentsthoughts
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[exhales]
exhales
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[softly] What the hell, dude? I already told you, "No."
softly
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Trying to sell my bike stand.
bikesellstand
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And this guy lives, like, 200 miles away.
livesmiles
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He wants to meet me halfway. I'm like, "Hell, no!"
halfwaymeetwants
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"No way, dude. You live, like, so far."
live
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"Come to me."
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-Luca. -I think I just need some time at home.
home
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Look inside myself, be with my family and try new restaurants.
familyrestaurants
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Dave, do you want to speak to how this has impacted you?
davespeak
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I guess I'm just a little confused.
confused
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Well, it's really pretty simple.
simple
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Every time you would get up from your desk, I would call Rodney.
deskrodney
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He'd come here and do his business.
business
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He lives really close to here in, like, a little shithole.
closelivesshithole
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Am I in trouble?
trouble
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That's your voice? I've never talked to him.
talkedvoice
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His voice is wildly high.
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[theme music playing]
musicmusic-playingplayingthemetheme-musictheme-music-playing
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[instructor] Now, everybody in here
everybodyinstructor
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knows or has heard about the dangers of driving while inebriated.
dangersdrivingheardknows
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But some of the things people do every single day can be just as dangerous.
dangeroussingle
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Now, I'm going to show you a video of a woman
videowoman
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who got so wrapped up with a problem at work
problemwrapped
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that she puts herself and others in danger.
dangerothers
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-Now, these videos are a little old. -[chuckling]
chucklingvideos
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They look a little dated.
dated
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I don't want to hear any jokes about them, and don't let the style distract you.
distractjokesstyle
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[shouting] And I don't want any questions about the tables!
questionsshoutingtables
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[in normal voice] All right.
normalnormal-voicevoice
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[music plays]
musicmusic-playsplays
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Yep, honey, I'll be home from work soon. I'm just picking up my last table.
homehoneypickingtable
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What the hell did Eddie do to my table?
eddietable
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It's filthy.
filthy
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Oh, my God.
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[clicks tongue] What the heck?
clicksclicks-tonguehecktongue
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It's so dirty. These are my livelihood.
dirty
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Hey, man, I just got my table back.
table
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And I don't know what the hell Eddie Munster did to my table.
eddietable
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It looks like he stepped on them,
stepped
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or, I know it's not this,
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it looks like he threw them in a mud puddle!
puddlethrew
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These tables are how I buy my house.
housetables
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They keep my house hot.
house
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If I were a farmer, and Eddie Munster came in and started kicking my corn,
corneddiefarmerkickingstarted
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you could understand how I could be a bit upset.
upset
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Do you understand the tables are my corn? Whoa!
corntableswhoa
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[crashes]
crashes
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Wow.
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Pretty serious.
serious
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Any questions?
questions
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-Yeah. -What was her job?
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-Tables. -What do you mean?
tables
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-Guys, what did I say? -Her job is so confusing.
confusing
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The job isn't important.
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It's just a generic job that the writers of this made up for this.
genericwriters
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-But what is the generic job? -Just tables!
generictables
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And dealing with Eddie Munster.
dealingeddie
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She shouldn't have yelled at Eddie.
eddieyelled
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She actually didn't yell at Eddie Munster. I've seen this a ton of times.
eddieseentimesyell
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-What does she do? -Tables!
tables
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But how is tables a job?
tables
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I cannot hear any more about tables!
cannottables
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All right, I'm gonna show you a whole new video,
videowhole
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and I want you to tell me what the person in the video did right or wrong.
personvideo
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It's the same woman.
woman
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[shushes]
shushes
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I just got screamed at by Freddy Krueger.
freddyscreamed
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All I said was, "What did you do to my table?"
table
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"It's filthy. You should be ashamed of yourself."
ashamedfilthy
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"You're a fucking pig."
fucking
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And that's when he snapped. I thought he was gonna kill me.
killsnapped
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I'm so mad about this.
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Fuck! They're so dirty. [cries]
criesdirtyfuck
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[screams]
screams
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Wow. Pretty crazy.
crazy
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-What'd she do wrong? -What is her job?
whatd
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[shouts] Tables!
shoutstables
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Do you want me to turn the lights off? Everybody puts their heads down.
everybodyheadslights
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Nobody gets their license, gotta walk everywhere.
licensenobodywalk
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Gotta walk to the food store, the house.
foodhousestorewalk
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-I'm gonna show you one more video. -Is it the same woman?
videowoman
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Same actress. Don't know if she's supposed to be the same person.
actresspersonsupposed
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Save your questions till the end.
questionssavetill
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Ugh! What the hell happened to them?
happened
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I'm so mad about that.
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Hey! What's up, Carrie?
carrie
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Not now, George.
george
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I heard you had some problems with your tables.
heardproblemstables
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-Go to hell, George. You fucking pig! -You don't know how to treat the customer.
customerfuckinggeorgetreat
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You don't know how to treat the crypt keeper.
keepertreat
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-[honking] -Come on! Go!
honking
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If you're gonna keep renting tables to comic-cons and horror-cons,
comicconshorrorrentingtables
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you better learn how to treat the talent.
learntalenttreat
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-Oh, my God, that's why. -[shouts] Shut up!
shouts
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This is the maddest I've ever been!
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[engine accelerating]
engine
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[exhales]
exhales
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Any questions?
questions
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Why is there swearing?
swearing
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They didn't! All they said was "shoot."
shoot
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-[laughs] -[instructor] Don't laugh!
instructorlaughlaughs
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[funky instrumental music playing]
funkyinstrumentalinstrumental-musicinstrumental-music-playingmusicmusic-playingplaying
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[sniffs]
sniffs
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Something smells. Tammy, did you have an accident?
accidentsmellstammy
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-[Tammy] No. Let's just keep playing. -[laughs] Are you sure?
laughsplayingtammy
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[Tammy] I swear to God it wasn't me. Let's play and forget about it.
forgetsweartammy
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I love Tammy Craps. I'm 60 pounds.
crapslovepoundstammy
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I'm 62 pounds, and Tammy Craps is my favorite doll.
crapsdollfavoritepoundstammy
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[narrator] That's right, girls. Start packing on those pounds.
girlsnarratorpackingpoundsstart
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The only doll that poops, then lies about it
dollliespoops
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doesn't have farts in her head anymore.
anymorefartshead
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-What? -Tammy doesn't have farts in her head.
fartsheadtammy
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Does she still lie?
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She still craps. She still lies.
crapslies
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They just fired the guy that was farting in all the doll heads at the factory.
dollfactoryfartingfiredheads
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Don't those dolls have farts in their head?
dollsfartshead
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They used to. The disgruntled employee who was farting in the heads
employeefartingheadsused
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was upset the company was treating full-time employees as contract employees.
companycontractemployeesfulltreatingupset
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Now that the heads are sprayed with a deodorizing poison,
headspoisonsprayed
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the farts isn't a problem anymore.
anymorefartsproblem
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See? They ain't got farts no more.
aintfarts
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-Oh, I see. Can I play with it? -How many pounds are you?
pounds
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I think 54 pounds.
pounds
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d53a869c-a7ce-4de0-b1c1-a1c94ab15383.gif
-Ooh. -Sorry, hon.
↓
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Being under 60 lbs and holding a Tammy Craps doll
crapsdollholdingtammy
↓
b35504e0-3c9e-4fe5-9f27-9c486dc6d68c.gif
is like smoking five Macanudo Cigars a day.
cigarsfivesmoking
↓
6549fdf1-4f8d-4f60-b344-4ca171793d6d.gif
-That's a lot. -No.
↓
26109e78-44b9-43ca-88ca-939e8b42d69b.gif
Yeah. It's a good way to decompress. Lighting one up.
lighting
↓
d9d797a3-201a-4a0c-aba4-c02dc6f4d575.gif
-Kids over 60 lbs… -Like me.
kids
↓
7ac7fa1a-4be3-4b18-8de7-b95dcff3ece7.gif
…have a body density that can withstand the low, low dose of premium-grade poison
bodydosegradepoisonpremium
↓
1fc1ac8c-44a2-4dcb-9c8f-0e795f8c29e4.gif
-they spray in the Tammy Craps' heads. -[coughs]
coughscrapsheadsspraytammy
↓
9153fe06-4756-47df-9727-356519e764ac.gif
You gotta get out of here, little girl.
girl
↓
4596405d-8a97-45c4-9799-3e85f6f49ac6.gif
This, for you, is like smoking five Macanudos. Bye, hon.
fivesmoking
↓
4d8728ce-38b2-4158-baaf-7b1b4ce6115f.gif
[laughs]
laughs
↓
fced4fcd-e662-4872-9a7b-f54a36e76978.gif
Mom! I'm 60 lbs.
↓
b119a59e-2c0d-428c-8e5f-7e15598a37cc.gif
I knew you could do it.
↓
15fc34a3-7657-4161-9cd1-c8b94d5e10e6.gif
♪ To the left To the right ♪
left
↓
dec914f1-3aac-4560-91bb-34f7baed75b1.gif
-♪ Shake 'em! ♪ -♪ Shake, shake, shake 'em… ♪
shake
↓
45b0a793-908a-47cf-bbcf-e61c637f76a6.gif
[ominous music playing]
musicmusic-playingominousominous-musicominous-music-playingplaying
↓
03c25e0a-b3b8-4efe-9259-c6360abf9e96.gif
Don't put rocks in your pockets and lie about your weight
pocketsrocksweight
↓
45ac8edf-aacc-45bf-a099-ca777857be0a.gif
just to get a Tammy Craps.
crapstammy
↓
5bbe4050-2e7a-47ea-b769-7cc1a6000ed3.gif
That can be very dangerous.
dangerous
↓
77ed9f60-96bf-42ee-9564-3a8864b69d85.gif
Almost as dangerous
dangerous
↓
b3340645-9331-42a0-879b-049f167641ed.gif
as having five of these beautiful hand-rolled Macanudo Cigars.
cigarsfivehandhavingrolled
↓
5c7636be-f047-4f73-8771-b794994181ec.gif
[sniffs]
sniffs
↓
ef0e348d-5a8b-4493-9077-324132adb39a.gif
That smells good.
smells
↓
dfc58e6a-a267-4921-879e-7e2803c6a5ab.gif
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
baby
↓
9c7b9249-5d48-40b1-a89d-3764e160c767.gif
♪ Whoa, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
babywhoa
↓
9138aae1-f014-4a56-9afc-e2add98d2069.gif
And that takes care of addendum four.
carefourtakestakes-care
↓
061bb7ae-a669-40f4-8930-6d8292e5ff14.gif
-[exhales] -How's everybody doing?
everybodyexhales
↓
8b1847ce-2231-407a-afd6-db56c85c1436.gif
Great. I think we're really making progress.
progress
↓
7eb293b2-e79c-42b6-8830-604f472d14a3.gif
[man 1] Awesome. I gotta jump on a call real quick.
awesomejumpquickrealreal-quick
↓
d4abc0b6-739a-4963-ab68-c85e25457a93.gif
When I get back, we'll get started on addendum five.
fivestarted
↓
83b4395f-8833-4b66-865f-d1aa6a6ea603.gif
And boss is gone.
bossgone
↓
35bbe9a9-4db6-47ff-8ceb-4a9e2c2fdb7a.gif
[man 2] Whoa! Whoa!
whoa
↓
2b38e61b-5672-4d58-8664-0a91d25cb515.gif
Surf's up, dudes.
dudes
↓
abd2d858-a5d6-4e2d-a6c0-4ff540a2528b.gif
This is…
↓
47bbdd6d-ce3d-4eae-990f-08dcdb0c5d97.gif
[chuckles]
chuckles
↓
7e2897ea-a1ba-4cb2-8eb2-c9e5b90e8665.gif
[humming]
humming
↓
f64e0153-4c43-45a2-915e-27fe752e0f63.gif
[chuckles] Paul, what are you doing?
chucklespaul
↓
a8629198-c2e5-477a-b4c8-9451a9f309ae.gif
I'm surfing, baby.
babysurfing
↓
f52ee380-b6ed-44f6-b095-15ff4c99591d.gif
[chuckles] Awesome. Hang ten, brother.
awesomebrotherchuckleshang
↓
7b91951b-dec9-49f0-b848-c2ddbb049c4e.gif
-Yeah, ride the big waves, baby. -Guys.
babyridewaves
↓
dce739f7-cc83-4764-ab2f-8a9b31284177.gif
Yes. That's what I'm talking about, ladies. Look at them go.
ladies
↓
93841c42-99f3-4618-8d21-a4b41d740f7e.gif
Feel that breeze, baby.
babybreeze
↓
27a0ce3b-b260-475c-8ace-10adb4610b80.gif
-Come on, guys. -This is so fun.
fun
↓
c8e4b9d7-441f-4485-b056-22b07d1215a2.gif
-Watch out for the spray! -[all cheering]
cheeringspraywatch
↓
2b8ecc71-f41c-4d8e-b1b0-e6e66b043bd7.gif
[man 3] I'm digging it. Groovy. Very groovy.
digginggroovy
↓
0d5e8099-509b-4350-a843-bbd07ac04393.gif
-I'm a shark. Watch out. -[screams]
screamssharkwatch
↓
48824b69-f1f5-48f5-be5c-a0794a1385e5.gif
-Comin' to get you. -[man 3] Gnarly, dude!
comingnarly
↓
fb372888-ef53-46a2-ab61-61c278bf7c4a.gif
[chuckles]
chuckles
↓
3cff224a-5c38-4635-a963-fd2d0843cd64.gif
Check out these whirlpools.
check
↓
35b53cd5-c6d4-466c-9337-1af4cd334888.gif
[Paul] Very creative. Hey, check this out.
checkcreativepaul
↓
cb9cc543-f04a-484c-b97b-f9f3fc73db84.gif
Whoa!
whoa
↓
1c3a704a-ad78-40c0-a899-89f4c19afc70.gif
-Awesome. 360. -Woo! Yeah!
awesome
↓
e8ab30ae-a90b-4053-865e-7b13c8fba454.gif
More spray!
spray
↓
2f185393-b06e-4750-afa0-44c76c2bd08c.gif
[all exclaiming and laughing]
exclaiminglaughing
↓
ae228d98-ae38-4ad9-99b3-8bfbbe05b3e8.gif
Here comes a big wave!
comeswave
↓
d7028d1a-15fc-4eb5-9c46-078a5fb11cf7.gif
-[grunts] -[all shriek]
grunts
↓
815576b6-7394-40b3-b0fa-3583b9c427b5.gif
-[man 2] What the hell, man! -Ah!
↓
18feafba-a359-484c-9ba6-384a84dae57b.gif
-[woman 1] My leg! -[man 3] Napkins. I need napkins.
napkinswoman
↓
baf5cdea-5aa4-4272-b880-4019bc9bbf67.gif
-Can you hear me, honey? -Can somebody move this chair?
chairhoneysomebody
↓
6fdf4df4-f116-44cb-bb82-c8a510b514ca.gif
I need a wet paper towel.
papertowel
↓
c458c3f8-53a8-4435-9aaf-dbd33ba4953e.gif
Russell, you could've killed Paul.
couldvecouldve-killedkilledpaulrussell
↓
36486ccd-b8db-4dfd-b136-575e2c0a4997.gif
-[man 2] What is wrong with you? -[man 4] Psycho!
psycho
↓
2a24616f-552b-4880-9e67-99e8083978fb.gif
-What happened here? -Ask Russell.
happenedrussell
↓
4a3f8943-edf4-4d61-a3cd-2b3d5c6fc048.gif
Russell? What happened?
happenedrussell
↓
5e060f01-969a-49c9-9b10-fce361d5559d.gif
We were joking around again, sir.
joking
↓
4f42a2ac-c883-49b6-ae6c-69ebb5a15c34.gif
And it went too far. Just like it always does.
↓
8ce5244c-3191-4af3-9ebf-955cc3d87b65.gif
Someone always gets hurt.
hurt
↓
a1733d11-7690-4c3b-9945-35d94a415cb4.gif
[gentle piano music playing]
gentlemusicmusic-playingpianopiano-musicpiano-music-playingplaying
↓
07c45fb1-3150-4881-9041-2343b507a913.gif
Just like when I almost killed myself when Julie gave me chode jeans.
chodejeansjuliekilled
↓
e45c2aca-9d76-48cc-a072-43b8c6587740.gif
What?
↓
498b77fa-5552-43b0-8ba2-f177621fa7d1.gif
Like when I turned 45, and I said, "No gag gifts,"
giftsturned
↓
e5ac5d47-98fe-48fc-979f-06b757c81755.gif
and Julie gave me chode jeans and I almost killed myself.
chodejeansjuliekilled
↓
d485bebe-bbcd-4dd2-abfe-914678a6f572.gif
-What are "cho" jeans? -Chode jeans.
chodejeans
↓
82101149-5f8f-4cb5-8e97-cff9aaa87e57.gif
They're jeans for a chode.
chodejeans
↓
ff29fbec-78a5-4313-98cc-24db50f43a2c.gif
A size 54 waist, 10-inch legs, fucking junk.
fuckinginchjunklegssizewaist
↓
4bf6b291-5af1-42f7-bc47-91468d74458d.gif
-Julie gave them to me. -It was just a joke.
jokejulie
↓
068ff95a-7f6d-4c81-b3e7-665ca5afd98c.gif
I almost killed myself, Julie!
juliekilled
↓
922bde32-8a7d-4af3-93eb-1eab72dabdf7.gif
Russell, you need to let go of that birthday.
birthdayrussell
↓
802d3b96-9f61-4bbb-bf7d-c0a3f9f848fc.gif
Because it's a long time ago.
↓
898b8b65-e457-4af2-8ecc-ce794b3876a5.gif
It's just hard for me to accept
accepthard
↓
cd5be0c5-9ded-47a8-986e-085c2ac51677.gif
chode jeans from Julie when her husband's loaded.
chodehusbandsjeansjulieloaded
↓
a58a12aa-402e-4f6e-b10b-43379f0cf4d1.gif
I mean, you're not shy about that, that your husband's loaded, right?
husbandsloaded
↓
2623eaf1-116f-4b46-9adf-7d34685e7809.gif
We've all seen him. He's a bit older, doesn't look that good, right?
olderseen
↓
ccf067b8-f118-440b-ae0c-ca01da40e449.gif
I'm not saying anything you're not completely open about, right?
completelycompletely-openopen
↓
b281d1bc-2650-4ae6-a5b3-e58cbd947d39.gif
-I shouldn't have got up on that desk. -Yeah, you're right.
desk
↓
a74483f5-3506-49d5-a758-a5db6987de2c.gif
My husband is very good-looking.
husbandlooking
↓
3dcbc798-5543-4330-83d2-da6b4207f465.gif
[music cuts off]
cutsmusic
↓
2ef0bb98-af58-4a22-92d8-e5d0f722a80e.gif
Julie.
julie
↓
bd240b22-bcc0-4594-878d-b06ce5ac76b9.gif
[funky instrumental music playing]
funkyinstrumentalinstrumental-musicinstrumental-music-playingmusicmusic-playingplaying
↓
dd963dd0-2277-437f-b451-b08da2f5fb6a.gif
-[woman 1] Hi. -[woman 2] Hi.
woman
↓
d3c68771-fc27-4406-aa16-ca49f2b1f950.gif
We're getting our ears pierced, but she's a little scared.
earspiercedscared
↓
c98d21e7-769c-4153-8def-40aa0129fcfa.gif
Aw, there's nothing to be scared of.
scared
↓
98442325-b9b7-4a96-9cd1-cec6939376fd.gif
We have a little video for you to watch that will put you at ease.
easevideowatch
↓
8083c7ac-ec8b-4436-b0c5-4d4d557a308e.gif
-[woman 1] Great. -Right this way.
woman
↓
e0420d5b-f196-43de-b3e9-a6b58f0d2785.gif
[narrator over TV] Thank you for making Claire's
narrator
↓
ea0ab0cb-63ed-44ad-87a9-9aae33166e7d.gif
the worldwide choice for ear piercing.
choicepiercingworldwide
↓
a2ba670f-a628-4c9e-b562-f23ff99d7380.gif
Getting your ear pierced for the first time
pierced
↓
e063f30c-30b9-4fe3-b97f-2e93b8ce5e85.gif
can be an exciting but also sometimes scary experience.
excitingexperiencescarysometimes
↓
cffc76c2-1d97-4f67-9651-f0b05de565a4.gif
Lot of girls in my class have their ears pierced, but I was a little nervous.
classearsgirlsnervouspierced
↓
0885cf19-0bb8-41cf-9da1-9ef9fe58a34c.gif
I'd always wanted earrings, but I really don't like needles.
earringsneedleswanted
↓
c225f199-8609-44c4-beb6-7bb8c602620d.gif
I always wanted an earring. But I was so nervous.
earringnervouswanted
↓
1946d45b-45a1-42f0-9833-95aff77a382f.gif
The night before, I made a mess in the bathroom.
bathroommessnight
↓
570e5af2-0abd-4e87-b98d-73733c9476f3.gif
I had to jump in the tub.
jump
↓
c3da7590-8e19-4934-a4d4-2abfaaecba69.gif
But at Claire's, they were so nice.
↓
a94cbedc-394d-4b17-977b-6db777a402af.gif
They understood I was nervous and made me feel okay.
nervousunderstood
↓
b93eb64b-d7cc-43cb-be48-d7a8cbde25f1.gif
We're going to Florida, and I really wanted an earring for Florida.
earringfloridawanted
↓
062450a2-2ebc-44bc-95cb-16f7fe70aa4c.gif
But I was nervous to the point of diarrhea.
diarrheanervouspoint
↓
00325cb3-47c9-42f6-8039-07544947ed43.gif
[narrator] At Claire's, your comfort is our priority.
comfortnarratorpriority
↓
dc56a21c-7e76-49c7-84cb-1b9e798ad998.gif
[girl 1] They let my mom sit with me the whole time.
girlwhole
↓
dc322bb6-58e7-432f-9f9a-f46929ba93eb.gif
[girl 2] I had Jessica, she was in college and was really cool.
collegecoolgirljessica
↓
2e207fd6-2f4f-440a-ac15-16472c5b4464.gif
I had Chloe. She was really cool.
chloecool
↓
aa232cf1-3b65-4149-bce5-141fb7073332.gif
She stood outside the bathroom
bathroomstood
↓
20700c48-c69f-4a97-b48d-e0b3ad5a268c.gif
and assured me no one could hear the splashes.
assured
↓
518719a0-2bf5-4bb8-8058-5b2636a2a3ac.gif
I know all this already. I am not nervous.
nervous
↓
66649999-533f-4a03-8807-595768234824.gif
I was a little scared I was going to die on the slab.
scaredslab
↓
1d5b7452-1b94-448e-89dc-e368ede4e320.gif
Like my dad.
↓
47247ddf-8692-4a62-83d9-3d8573180394.gif
This shit is for babies, for little kids. I know this already. God damn it.
babieskids
↓
4c544382-2ca4-453d-bb44-8a812230612d.gif
They had stars, they had unicorns. I had such a hard time choosing.
choosinghardstars
↓
60cc1647-efc0-489d-8e3d-40e1745d7593.gif
A couple of years ago, I ordered my wife a Sybian.
coupleorderedwifeyears
↓
4e044c33-bfcb-4de6-9939-5c2a88be25c1.gif
Hello? Do I have to sit here and watch this whole thing?
watchwhole
↓
9c409335-1806-461a-add4-8ab14d3ba388.gif
I know all this already. I'm not nervous at all!
nervous
↓
d6dec511-cbfb-479f-8b25-500ecd35f30f.gif
Finish the video if you want to get your ear pierced.
finishpiercedvideo
↓
b2133ce6-8402-4602-bd76-bd2761fdfaf5.gif
[man] All right then. Go! Get out of here. Let me watch this.
watch
↓
a6d4e35a-c5c2-48c2-b073-e888ad799ffb.gif
We were just to the point where we were more friends than lovers.
friendsloverspoint
↓
c33d699e-aa93-4a7c-9c41-7375202cfec2.gif
All my friends have their ears pierced. Now I do, too.
earsfriendspierced
↓
c2c461b8-ce77-48a2-bde8-2263373c152b.gif
It's just another way to express myself.
anotherexpress
↓
3acfa930-d493-4b6c-aeef-64db4a9319f2.gif
Sometimes I put my dad in JibJab videos so he's alive again.
alivesometimesvideos
↓
9b86460d-7e50-4086-aa7d-d8320445979d.gif
I showed it to my mom.
showed
↓
1cdadb35-95a8-4c8d-b9ee-20ff923b1dbd.gif
She said, "Where is he?"
↓
e43db356-709f-4998-a1ad-2c97582fd6fb.gif
This is so boring.
boring
↓
9d1ffba8-dabd-4c3d-bd1e-6ccd0ddc6477.gif
I go, "Mom, it's not real. It's a JibJab."
real
↓
a71cecb2-f322-4c43-bff2-0aea7f90cc6d.gif
It's just hard
hard
↓
0fea5b24-af3a-473c-a3e7-4e58dcc2cbe4.gif
to see the people who cared for you as a baby
babycared
↓
cb1f4bd6-31dd-4986-997b-482c98cf6765.gif
become a baby themselves.
babybecome
↓
c7f82407-5af2-41ea-882c-8f9132a98180.gif
[uplifting music playing]
musicmusic-playingplaying
↓
5e21b3f0-de5f-485c-adf9-e44168e9d21b.gif
They showed me how to clean my ears so they didn't get infected.
cleanearsinfectedshowed
↓
8561752a-06eb-4801-bfff-5e79b537437e.gif
They gave me an ice pack to help with the swelling.
packswelling
↓
7bb37da1-aa9f-4f1c-b725-17f9ce72c2a5.gif
Life's a fucking funny thing.
fuckingfunnylifes
↓
53fbe274-410b-4eba-862c-4da05901e6a1.gif
You know, if it's true that when you die,
↓
ee30f964-f5e3-4853-b303-bfeaf7f7f19c.gif
you get to go back through your life and relive all the moments for eternity,
eternitylifemoments
↓
7016a82e-8198-4ffd-949b-ec8283072aa6.gif
then I want some moments in there where I'm just dying laughing!
dyinglaughingmoments
↓
9935a56e-2ee2-4c3d-b70f-69aaf6ab4801.gif
I fake laugh every day for ten minutes,
fakelaughminutes
↓
277eb794-fa4b-434f-962a-b1dcf1d4f69b.gif
so that when I die and relive life's little moments,
lifesmoments
↓
f141cac2-8bea-4ee6-a612-80d57e9e3b64.gif
all I see is happy times.
happytimes
↓
02f960e2-e8b1-4eab-8bcf-f7d4f9560398.gif
Ain't that the fucking saddest thing you ever heard?
aintfuckingheardsaddest
↓
910278c0-6086-4110-8d2a-ee450f06fd6f.gif
I'm sitting in an empty room, laughing my ass off to trick my dead self,
deademptylaughingroomselfsittingtrick
↓
1254229a-a549-471c-a52a-3b4a4403db1f.gif
"I had a great life."
life
↓
4c256add-65ce-441d-8e4b-539771f73e00.gif
[man laughing on TV]
laughing
↓
845141dd-6d20-4159-9925-5f818a00470d.gif
[uplifting music continues playing]
continuescontinues-playingmusicmusic-continuesplaying
↓
fb376312-32f9-4bf2-9c50-801d003f2de9.gif
[man continues laughing]
continueslaughing