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Home » Scrubs » S04E17 — My Life in Four Cameras

Scrubs

Season 4, Episode 17 — My Life in Four Cameras

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Scrubs

Episode title: My Life in Four Cameras

Air date: February 15, 2005

Director: Adam Bernstein

Top billed cast: Zach Braff, Donald Faison, John C. McGinley, Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Ken Jenkins

When J.D. meets a former writer from his all time favorite TV show "Cheers," he begins to picture his life at the hospital as a bland, multiple camera sitcom, where everything is perfect and wraps up nicely. Back in reality, Cox is relunctant to fire an amiable cafeteria worker, while Turk and Carla struggle to keep their promise of constant romantic affection afloat.

Source: TMDB

↓

J.D.: THINGS WERE AMAZING WITH KYLIE,

amazing kylie

↓

BUT BEFORE I COULD GET MORE EMOTIONALLY INVESTED,

emotionally invested

↓

BUT BEFORE I COULD GET MORE EMOTIONALLY INVESTED,

emotionally invested

↓

I NEEDED ANSWERS TO SOME QUESTIONS

answers needed questions

↓

THAT WERE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

↓

THAT WERE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

↓

NAME 3 SPIN-OFFS OF THE SITCOM HAPPY DAYS.

days happy name sitcom spin

↓

MORK AND MINDY,

mindy

↓

MORK AND MINDY,

mindy

↓

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, AND JOANIE LOVES CHACHI.

laverne loves shirley

↓

YOU MARRY HER.

marry

↓

YOU MARRY HER.

marry

↓

YOU MARRY HER NOW. YOU MARRY HER!

marry

↓

OK, OK! WE PASSED SECTION ONE:

passed section

↓

"SITCOMS ABOUT OR INVOLVING

involving sitcoms

↓

"SITCOMS ABOUT OR INVOLVING

involving sitcoms

↓

ASIAN-AMERICAN DINER OWNERS."

american asian owners

↓

NOW ONTO SECTION 2:

section

↓

NOW ONTO SECTION 2:

section

↓

"FAT, TUBBY TV HUSBANDS

husbands tubby

↓

"AND THE CRAZY-HOT WOMEN

crazy women

↓

THAT WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY BE MARRIED TO THEM."

married

↓

THAT WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY BE MARRIED TO THEM."

married

↓

HEY, WE'RE MISSING SANFORD AND SON.

missing sanford

↓

WHAT? YES!

↓

WHAT? YES!

↓

J.D.: TURK WAS FREAKED OUT BECAUSE CARLA NEVER JOINS US

carla freaked turk

↓

ON SANFORD AND SON NIGHT OR CHEERS NIGHT.

cheers night sanford

↓

ON SANFORD AND SON NIGHT OR CHEERS NIGHT.

cheers night sanford

↓

I THINK IT WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS FEELING A LITTLE ROMANTICALLY COMPETITIVE

competitive feeling romantically

↓

I THINK IT WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS FEELING A LITTLE ROMANTICALLY COMPETITIVE

competitive feeling romantically

↓

WITH KYLIE AND ME.

kylie

↓

WOMAN, WOMAN! MMM?

woman

↓

I AM NOT A LOLLIPOP!

lollipop

↓

(SANFORD AND SON THEME PLAYING)

playing sanford theme

↓

(SANFORD AND SON THEME PLAYING)

playing sanford theme

↓

(TO SANFORD AND SON THEME) # QUIET DOWN NOW #

quiet sanford theme

↓

# IT IS TIME TO WATCH THE SHOW #

watch

↓

# IT IS TIME TO WATCH THE SHOW #

watch

↓

# YES, IT STARTED #

started

↓

# YES, IT STARTED #

started

↓

# DON'T BE LICKIN' ME NO MO' #

↓

# MATTER OF FACT, COULD YOU GET ME A HANDIWIPE? #

fact matter

↓

# MATTER OF FACT, COULD YOU GET ME A HANDIWIPE? #

fact matter

↓

J.D.: CARLA CERTAINLY TRIED TO BE AS ADORABLE AS US.

adorable carla certainly tried

↓

J.D.: CARLA CERTAINLY TRIED TO BE AS ADORABLE AS US.

adorable carla certainly tried

↓

OHH! DARN IT! YOU WON.

darn

↓

OHH! DARN IT! YOU WON.

darn

↓

UNFORTUNATELY, TURK WASN'T ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH.

turk unfortunately unfortunately-turk

↓

(SCREECHES)

screeches

↓

(SCREECHES)

screeches

↓

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, CARLA?!

carla

↓

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!

mess warrior

↓

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!

mess warrior

↓

(DOORBELL RINGS)

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

YES!

↓

10 TO 9:00!

↓

10 TO 9:00!

↓

HI. HI.

↓

BYE.

↓

(MOANS)

moans

↓

(MOANS)

moans

↓

KYLIE'S IN CLASS ALL DAY, AND SHE BARTENDS AT NIGHT,

class night

↓

KYLIE'S IN CLASS ALL DAY, AND SHE BARTENDS AT NIGHT,

class night

↓

AND I'M STILL PULLING 16-HOUR SHIFTS,

hour pulling shifts

↓

SO WE TRY TO MAKE SURE WE KISS AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.

kiss least

↓

SO WE TRY TO MAKE SURE WE KISS AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.

kiss least

↓

MONDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, AND FRIDAYS,

fridays mondays wednesdays

↓

SHE TAKES A CAB OVER HERE.

takes

↓

TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS... # I SCOOTER TO MY BABY #

baby scooter thursdays tuesdays

↓

TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS... # I SCOOTER TO MY BABY #

baby scooter thursdays tuesdays

↓

HONEY...

honey

↓

HONEY...

honey

↓

I HAVEN'T FUFFIED IN BED IN, LIKE, A WEEK.

week

↓

I HAVEN'T FUFFIED IN BED IN, LIKE, A WEEK.

week

↓

WOMAN, ON TV: WITH 27 DEATHS SO FAR,

deaths woman

↓

WOMAN, ON TV: WITH 27 DEATHS SO FAR,

deaths woman

↓

THIS STRAIN OF E. COLI FROM TAINTED MEAT IS QUITE SERIOUS.

meat serious strain tainted

↓

THIS STRAIN OF E. COLI FROM TAINTED MEAT IS QUITE SERIOUS.

meat serious strain tainted

↓

SO IF YOU'RE A BIG MEAT-EATER, BE CAREFUL.

careful eater meat

↓

(ALL GROAN)

groan

↓

J.D.: THE REASON WE WERE UPSET WAS THAT EVERY TIME THE MEDIA

media reason upset

↓

J.D.: THE REASON WE WERE UPSET WAS THAT EVERY TIME THE MEDIA

media reason upset

↓

REPORTS ON SOME WEIRD HEALTH CRISIS,

crisis health reports weird

↓

EVERYONE WHO SEES IT THINKS THEY HAVE IT.

sees thinks

↓

EVERYONE WHO SEES IT THINKS THEY HAVE IT.

sees thinks

↓

OH, NOT SO BAD.

↓

IT'S ONLY A FEW PEOPLE HERE.

↓

(RUMBLING)

rumbling

↓

(ALL SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

OK, OK, EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP!

everybody

↓

AHEM. AHEM.

ahem

↓

AHEM. AHEM.

ahem

↓

THANK YOU.

↓

NOW, WHO'S FIRST?

↓

NOW, WHO'S FIRST?

↓

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

↓

J.D.: OF COURSE THERE'S ALWAYS ONE POSITIVE

course positive

↓

WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS...

happens

↓

WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS...

happens

↓

WHOO!

whoo

↓

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

whoo

↓

I LOVE MEDICINE!

love medicine

↓

I LOVE MEDICINE!

love medicine

↓

WHOA. GRANDMA, THAT'S MY NO-FLY ZONE.

grandma whoa zone

↓

WHOA. GRANDMA, THAT'S MY NO-FLY ZONE.

grandma whoa zone

↓

WHOO. (CHUCKLES)

chuckles whoo

↓

# I CAN'T DO THIS ALL ON MY OWN #

↓

# I CAN'T DO THIS ALL ON MY OWN #

↓

# NO, I KNOW #

↓

# I'M NO SUPERMAN #

superman

↓

# I'M NO SUPERMAN #

superman

↓

UH, DR. COX!

↓

WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF A CRISIS HERE.

crisis having

↓

WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF A CRISIS HERE.

crisis having

↓

AH, I SEE THAT. IT SEEMS YOU TWO HAVE WORN THE SAME OUTFIT.

outfit seems worn

↓

AND, BARBIE, IF IT'S OF ANY CONSOLATION,

barbie consolation

↓

AND, BARBIE, IF IT'S OF ANY CONSOLATION,

barbie consolation

↓

IT LOOKS SLIGHTLY BETTER ON YOU.

slightly

↓

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL THE--

↓

(LAUGHS)

laughs

↓

(LAUGHS)

laughs

↓

THANK YOU. SURE.

↓

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!

supposed

↓

LORETTA, RELAX. I'VE BEEN INVOLVED

involved relax

↓

LORETTA, RELAX. I'VE BEEN INVOLVED

involved relax

↓

IN EVERY RIDICULOUS TV-INDUCED PANIC THERE IS.

induced panic ridiculous

↓

IN EVERY RIDICULOUS TV-INDUCED PANIC THERE IS.

induced panic ridiculous

↓

POISON PILLS, SARS, WEST NILE,

pills poison sars west

↓

NORTH FACE, SOUTH FORK, EAST RIVER,

east face fork north river south

↓

MONKEY POX, POP ROCKS, TOILET SNAKES,

monkey rocks snakes toilet

↓

MONKEY POX, POP ROCKS, TOILET SNAKES,

monkey rocks snakes toilet

↓

MAD COW, BIRD FLU, SWINE FLU,

bird swine

↓

AND, QUITE FRANKLY, EVERY OTHER FLU

frankly

↓

AND, QUITE FRANKLY, EVERY OTHER FLU

frankly

↓

THAT YOU COULD REALLY ONLY CATCH

catch

↓

IF YOU ACTUALLY FORNICATE WITH THE ANIMAL IT'S NAMED FOR.

animal named

↓

IF YOU ACTUALLY FORNICATE WITH THE ANIMAL IT'S NAMED FOR.

animal named

↓

AND AS A PARTING GIFT, I WILL TELL YOU THIS.

gift

↓

AND AS A PARTING GIFT, I WILL TELL YOU THIS.

gift

↓

NARROW IT DOWN TO 2 SYMPTOMS:

narrow symptoms

↓

VOMITING AND DIARRHEA,

diarrhea vomiting

↓

VOMITING AND DIARRHEA,

diarrhea vomiting

↓

BECAUSE IT'S JUST NOT E. COLI

↓

UNLESS IT'S FIRING OUT BOTH EXITS.

exits firing

↓

UNLESS IT'S FIRING OUT BOTH EXITS.

exits firing

↓

SURE HOPE I DON'T HAVE DOG FLU.

hope

↓

SURE HOPE I DON'T HAVE DOG FLU.

hope

↓

WELL, MR. BERNSTEIN, DO YOU HAVE VOMITING AND DIARRHEA?

diarrhea vomiting

↓

WELL, MR. BERNSTEIN, DO YOU HAVE VOMITING AND DIARRHEA?

diarrhea vomiting

↓

NO. NO.

↓

NO. NO.

↓

OK, THEN, MR. JAMES,

james

↓

OK, THEN, MR. JAMES,

james

↓

YOU'RE FREE TO--

free

↓

WAIT A SECOND. CHARLES JAMES?

charles charles-james james second

↓

WAIT A SECOND. CHARLES JAMES?

charles charles-james james second

↓

I WAS WATCHING THE CHEERS DVD THE OTHER NIGHT.

cheers night watching

↓

ARE YOU CHARLES JAMES THE WRITER?

charles charles-james james writer

↓

ARE YOU CHARLES JAMES THE WRITER?

charles charles-james james writer

↓

YEAH, THAT'S ME.

↓

(THINKING) JUST...STAY...CALM.

calm thinking

↓

(THINKING) JUST...STAY...CALM.

calm thinking

↓

UH, ELLIOT, I NEED TO TAKE THIS GENTLEMAN UPSTAIRS

elliot gentleman upstairs

↓

FOR SOME MORE TESTS.

tests

↓

FOR SOME MORE TESTS.

tests

↓

J.D., DON'T LEAVE ME HERE.

↓

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

↓

HE MAY EVEN NEED A SURGICAL CONSULT.

consult surgical surgical-consult

↓

HE MAY EVEN NEED A SURGICAL CONSULT.

consult surgical surgical-consult

↓

NORM! NORM!

norm

↓

NORM! NORM!

norm

↓

YEAH, I GET IT.

↓

AAH! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

AAH! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

whoa

↓

WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

whoa

↓

NO TONGUE BEFORE 10:00.

tongue

↓

BABY, IF J.D. AND KYLIE CAN MAKE TIME

baby kylie

↓

FOR THAT STUPID APPOINTMENT KISS ONCE A DAY,

appointment kiss stupid

↓

FOR THAT STUPID APPOINTMENT KISS ONCE A DAY,

appointment kiss stupid

↓

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT TWICE A DAY.

able twice

↓

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT TWICE A DAY.

able twice

↓

LOVE IS NOT A COMPETITION.

competition love

↓

OK.

↓

MAKE IT 3 TIMES.

times

↓

MAKE IT 3 TIMES.

times

↓

ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU AT NOON? NOON.

noon

↓

YOU YOUNGSTERS.

youngsters

↓

YOU YOUNGSTERS.

youngsters

↓

IF THERE IS ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED,

learned

↓

IT'S THAT YOU CAN'T SCHEDULE LOVE.

love schedule

↓

IT'S THAT YOU CAN'T SCHEDULE LOVE.

love schedule

↓

I THINK YOUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENT WOULD BEG TO DIFFER.

card credit credit-card differ statement

↓

I THINK YOUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENT WOULD BEG TO DIFFER.

card credit credit-card differ statement

↓

OK, LISTEN UP, EVERYONE. FOR BUDGETARY REASONS,

reasons

↓

OK, LISTEN UP, EVERYONE. FOR BUDGETARY REASONS,

reasons

↓

WE ARE TURNING THE BATHROOMS ON EVEN-NUMBERED FLOORS INTO PATIENT ROOMS.

bathrooms floors patient rooms turning

↓

TO SUM UP: FLOORS 2 AND 4 ARE NO LONGER FOR 1 OR 2.

floors longer

↓

TO SUM UP: FLOORS 2 AND 4 ARE NO LONGER FOR 1 OR 2.

floors longer

↓

ACTUALLY, THERE'S STILL A BATHROOM ON 2,

bathroom

↓

ACTUALLY, THERE'S STILL A BATHROOM ON 2,

bathroom

↓

BUT THEN MY JOKE WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED.

joke worked

↓

WELL?

↓

I'M SORRY. WOULD YOU PLEASE REPEAT THE QUESTION?

question repeat

↓

I'M SORRY. WOULD YOU PLEASE REPEAT THE QUESTION?

question repeat

↓

ARE YOU JUST GONNA ROLL OVER LIKE THAT?

roll

↓

THAT'S WEIRD. I ASKED HIM THE SAME THING LAST NIGHT.

asked night weird

↓

THAT'S WEIRD. I ASKED HIM THE SAME THING LAST NIGHT.

asked night weird

↓

WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE, THE ANGER, THE HATE?

anger hate outrage

↓

WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE, THE ANGER, THE HATE?

anger hate outrage

↓

AGAIN, LAST NIGHT.

night

↓

YOU'VE GONE SOFT.

gone soft

↓

YOU'VE GONE SOFT.

gone soft

↓

(GASPS) OK, NOW IT'S GETTING SPOOKY.

gasps spooky

↓

LOOK, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STAND UP TO KELSO.

kelso stand

↓

LOOK, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STAND UP TO KELSO.

kelso stand

↓

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

gentlemen ladies

↓

ALLOW ME TO PRESENT...

allow present

↓

ALLOW ME TO PRESENT...

allow present

↓

MAN NOT CARING.

caring

↓

OK, JORDAN, LITTLE HELP.

jordan

↓

OK, JORDAN, LITTLE HELP.

jordan

↓

IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT SHE WANTS,

wants

↓

I'M GOING TO STOP HAVING SEX WITH YOU

having

↓

AND START MAKING LOVE. (WHISPERING) LOVE YOU...

love start whispering

↓

AND START MAKING LOVE. (WHISPERING) LOVE YOU...

love start whispering

↓

WHERE IS THAT BASTARD?!

bastard

↓

KELSO?!

kelso

↓

KELSO?!

kelso

↓

MY WIFE'S NAME'S CARLA. YEAH.

carla names wifes

↓

YEAH! LIKE CARLA FROM THE SHOW. JUST LIKE IT.

carla

↓

YEAH! LIKE CARLA FROM THE SHOW. JUST LIKE IT.

carla

↓

WOW. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY MET ANYONE

↓

WHO HAD THE SAME NAME AS A CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.

character name

↓

WHO HAD THE SAME NAME AS A CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.

character name

↓

REALLY? REALLY?

↓

NO.

↓

WELL, THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE. YEAH.

understandable

↓

WELL, THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE. YEAH.

understandable

↓

I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF SAMS.

sams

↓

EXCUSE ME, J.D. AHEM!

ahem excuse

↓

EXCUSE ME, J.D. AHEM!

ahem excuse

↓

I JUST SPENT THE LAST 3 HOURS

hours spent

↓

INTERVIEWING 212 HYPOCHONDRIACS,

↓

HALF OF WHOM DON'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH.

english half speak

↓

HALF OF WHOM DON'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH.

english half speak

↓

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS TO MIME DIARRHEA?!

diarrhea embarrassing idea mime

↓

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS TO MIME DIARRHEA?!

diarrhea embarrassing idea mime

↓

TALK ABOUT YOUR DIANES! (LAUGHS)

laughs

↓

TALK ABOUT YOUR DIANES! (LAUGHS)

laughs

↓

OH! DAMN! IT'S KISS TIME!

kiss

↓

(MUSIC PLAYING)

music music-playing playing

↓

(MUSIC PLAYING)

music music-playing playing

↓

(SQUEALS)

squeals

↓

(SQUEALS)

squeals

↓

AHH.

↓

(CHUCKLES) BABY.

baby chuckles

↓

(CHUCKLES) BABY.

baby chuckles

↓

AAH!

↓

AAH!

↓

BABY?

baby

↓

BABY?

baby

↓

RIGHT HERE. THAT'S WHERE I WANT IT.

↓

RIGHT HERE. THAT'S WHERE I WANT IT.

↓

I WANT IT RIGHT THERE. MWAH, MWAH, MWAH, MWAH.

mwah

↓

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS UP AT--

↓

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS UP AT--

↓

(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE) (BEEPING)

beeping

↓

(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE) (BEEPING)

beeping

↓

I GOTTA GO. GOTTA GO.

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

BOB. BOB.

↓

BOB. BOB.

↓

SORRY, MADGE.

↓

WHAT DO YOU WANT, PERRY?

perry

↓

WHAT DO YOU WANT, PERRY?

perry

↓

ENOUGH WITH THE STINKIN' BUDGET CUTS ALREADY.

budget cuts stinkin

↓

ENOUGH WITH THE STINKIN' BUDGET CUTS ALREADY.

budget cuts stinkin

↓

NOTED. NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME,

excuse noted

↓

I HAVE TO FIRE SOMEONE.

fire

↓

OH, BALONEY, OLD MAN!

baloney

↓

OH, BALONEY, OLD MAN!

baloney

↓

I HAVE TO CUT $27,000 FROM THE CAFETERIA BUDGET,

budget cafeteria

↓

I HAVE TO CUT $27,000 FROM THE CAFETERIA BUDGET,

budget cafeteria

↓

AND MY IDEA OF GETTING IT ALL BACK

idea

↓

BY CHARGING 100 BUCKS FOR A PIECE OF CAKE WENT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW

bucks cake charging piece window

↓

BY CHARGING 100 BUCKS FOR A PIECE OF CAKE WENT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW

bucks cake charging piece window

↓

WHEN FAT FRANK DECIDED TO GO ON THAT POWER DIET.

decided diet frank power

↓

WHEN FAT FRANK DECIDED TO GO ON THAT POWER DIET.

decided diet frank power

↓

I LOST OVER 230 POUNDS SO FAR.

lost pounds

↓

I LOST OVER 230 POUNDS SO FAR.

lost pounds

↓

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE KEEPS WEARING THOSE PANTS.

keeps pants wearing

↓

ALL RIGHT. FAIR ENOUGH.

fair

↓

NOW I GOT YOUR LITTLE BUDGET REPORTS.

budget reports

↓

NOW I GOT YOUR LITTLE BUDGET REPORTS.

budget reports

↓

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO FIRE, DO YA?

fire

↓

FINE. KEEP 'EM.

↓

FINE. KEEP 'EM.

↓

YOU DO IT.

↓

WATCH AND LEARN. I'LL DO IT,

learn watch

↓

WATCH AND LEARN. I'LL DO IT,

learn watch

↓

AND I'LL DO IT WITHOUT FIRING A SINGLE PERSON.

firing person single single-person

↓

(CHUCKLES)

chuckles

↓

(CHUCKLES)

chuckles

↓

I HAVE TO FIRE SOMEONE.

fire

↓

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE FOR A STUPID TV WRITER!

alone believe left stupid writer

↓

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE FOR A STUPID TV WRITER!

alone believe left stupid writer

↓

OH, LIKE THAT IS ANY DIFFERENT

↓

OH, LIKE THAT IS ANY DIFFERENT

↓

FROM THE TIME YOU SPENT ALL NIGHT HANGING OUT

hanging night spent

↓

WITH YOUR FAVORITE WEATHERMAN FROM CHANNEL 4.

channel favorite

↓

THE MAN HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.

attack heart heart-attack massive massive-heart massive-heart-attack

↓

THE MAN HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.

attack heart heart-attack massive massive-heart massive-heart-attack

↓

I WAS NOTHING BUT PROFESSIONAL.

professional

↓

OK, HE'S STABLE!

stable

↓

OK, HE'S STABLE!

stable

↓

JUST TAKE THE PICTURE, CARLA!

carla picture

↓

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

↓

I WANT YOU TO GO IN THERE AND TELL MR. JAMES

james

↓

THAT THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR HIM TO BE UP HERE.

absolutely reason

↓

THAT THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR HIM TO BE UP HERE.

absolutely reason

↓

(COUGHING)

coughing

↓

(COUGHING)

coughing

↓

MR. JAMES, HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THAT COUGH?

cough james

↓

MR. JAMES, HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THAT COUGH?

cough james

↓

OH, A COUPLE MONTHS NOW.

couple couple-months months

↓

AM I WRONG, ELLIOT,

elliot

↓

AM I WRONG, ELLIOT,

elliot

↓

OR IS THAT THE KIND OF COUGH THAT NEEDS A CHEST X-RAY?

chest cough needs

↓

OR IS THAT THE KIND OF COUGH THAT NEEDS A CHEST X-RAY?

chest cough needs

↓

PROBABLY.

↓

THANK YOU.

↓

HEY, YO, TURK! WHAT'S UP?

turk

↓

I GOT A BREAK. YOU WANNA PLAY SOME BALL?

ball break

↓

DEFINITELY.

↓

BABY. YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE OUR NEXT APPOINTMENT KISS.

able appointment baby kiss

↓

BABY. YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE OUR NEXT APPOINTMENT KISS.

able appointment baby kiss

↓

I'M SWAMPED, TOO. YEAH.

swamped

↓

RIGHT NOW I'M HELPING DR. SCHWARTZ RESET A PATIENT'S LEG.

helping patients reset schwartz

↓

RIGHT NOW I'M HELPING DR. SCHWARTZ RESET A PATIENT'S LEG.

helping patients reset schwartz

↓

(CRUNCH) OH.

crunch

↓

I THINK YOU GOT IT, DR. SCHWARTZ.

schwartz

↓

I THINK YOU GOT IT, DR. SCHWARTZ.

schwartz

↓

(GASPS)

gasps

↓

(GASPS)

gasps

↓

YOU'RE A LIAR!

liar

↓

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, PERRY,

gods gods-sake gods-sake-perry perry sake sake-perry

↓

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, PERRY,

gods gods-sake gods-sake-perry perry sake sake-perry

↓

ADJUST YOUR BRA, MAN UP,

adjust

↓

AND FIRE THE ONE WITH THE LEAST PATHETIC STORY.

fire least pathetic story

↓

DO YOU REALLY THINK I KNOW ANY OF THESE PEOPLE'S STORIES?

peoples peoples-stories stories

↓

DO YOU REALLY THINK I KNOW ANY OF THESE PEOPLE'S STORIES?

peoples peoples-stories stories

↓

WELL, LET ME FILL YOU IN.

fill

↓

FIRST WE HAVE HANK. 4 KIDS.

hank kids

↓

FIRST WE HAVE HANK. 4 KIDS.

hank kids

↓

TRYING TO MAKE IT ON A DISHWASHER'S SALARY.

salary

↓

NEXT TO HIM IS MIKE.

mike

↓

NEXT TO HIM IS MIKE.

mike

↓

LOST HALF HIS LEG IN A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT.

accident half lost lost-half motorcycle

↓

AND THEN THERE'S JUDY.

judy

↓

BEEN HERE 30 YEARS.

years

↓

JUST 2 AWAY FROM RETIREMENT.

retirement

↓

YOU'RE--YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE?

friends

↓

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I READ THEIR FILES.

files kidding read

↓

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I READ THEIR FILES.

files kidding read

↓

I READ EVERYBODY'S FILES...

everybodys files read

↓

MS. MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, DR. DRINKS-A-LOT.

drinks

↓

MS. MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, DR. DRINKS-A-LOT.

drinks

↓

HOLD YOUR HORSES! MMM.

horses

↓

JUST TELL ME WHO THE LAST PERSON HIRED WAS, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

hired person

↓

JUST TELL ME WHO THE LAST PERSON HIRED WAS, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

hired person

↓

LOOKS LIKE YOU FOLKS COULD USE A LITTLE REFRESHER.

folks refresher

↓

LOOKS LIKE YOU FOLKS COULD USE A LITTLE REFRESHER.

folks refresher

↓

(LAUGHS) SERVIN' PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO SAVE LIVES EVERY DAY

laughs lives save

↓

MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN A KITTEN CHASIN' A LEAKY COW.

happier kitten leaky makes

↓

MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN A KITTEN CHASIN' A LEAKY COW.

happier kitten leaky makes

↓

(LAUGHS) GOD BLESS YA, HUH?

bless laughs

↓

(WHISPERS) GOD BLESS YA.

bless whispers

↓

(WHISPERS) GOD BLESS YA.

bless whispers

↓

I HAVE TO FIRE OPIE, DON'T I? YA THINK?

fire

↓

RIGHT.

↓

RIGHT.

↓

METASTATIC LUNG CANCER?

cancer lung lung-cancer metastatic

↓

METASTATIC LUNG CANCER?

cancer lung lung-cancer metastatic

↓

HOW WAS HE EVEN WALKING AROUND WITH THIS?

walking

↓

AT WORST, I THOUGHT MAYBE HE HAD A BAD CASE OF BRONCHITIS.

case worst

↓

AT WORST, I THOUGHT MAYBE HE HAD A BAD CASE OF BRONCHITIS.

case worst

↓

THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

suck

↓

THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

suck

↓

WHY'D THEY MOVE ME UP HERE?

whyd

↓

UH, MR. JAMES, I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO SAY THIS,

james

↓

UH, MR. JAMES, I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO SAY THIS,

james

↓

BUT YOU HAVE LUNG CANCER.

cancer lung lung-cancer

↓

J.D.: IT WAS STRANGE TELLING MR. JAMES

james strange telling

↓

J.D.: IT WAS STRANGE TELLING MR. JAMES

james strange telling

↓

HE MAY ONLY HAVE A FEW WEEKS TO LIVE

live weeks

↓

WHEN JUST A FEW SHORT HOURS AGO, WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS FINE.

hours short

↓

WHEN JUST A FEW SHORT HOURS AGO, WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS FINE.

hours short

↓

IT MADE ME REALIZE SOMETHING.

realize

↓

IT MADE ME REALIZE SOMETHING.

realize

↓

WHETHER IT WAS GIVING BAD NEWS TO A PATIENT...

giving news patient whether

↓

OR REALIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

realizing relationship

↓

OR REALIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

realizing relationship

↓

MAY NOT BE AS STABLE AS YOU THOUGHT...

stable

↓

WE COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT ONE DAY.

↓

WE COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT ONE DAY.

↓

OR HAVING TO DO SOMEONE ELSE'S DIRTY WORK FOR THEM...

dirty elses having

↓

OR HAVING TO DO SOMEONE ELSE'S DIRTY WORK FOR THEM...

dirty elses having

↓

SAY, KENNY?

kenny

↓

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

second

↓

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

second

↓

THERE ARE MOMENTS WHEN WE ALL WISH

moments wish

↓

LIFE WAS MORE LIKE A SITCOM.

life sitcom

↓

LIFE WAS MORE LIKE A SITCOM.

life sitcom

↓

I'M SO SORRY.

↓

I'M SORRY, TOO, SIR.

↓

I'M SORRY, TOO, SIR.

↓

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS I WON'T HAVE TO EAT MY WIFE'S COOKING ANYMORE,

anymore cooking news wifes

↓

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS I WON'T HAVE TO EAT MY WIFE'S COOKING ANYMORE,

anymore cooking news wifes

↓

RIGHT? (BOTH LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

ANNOUNCER: J.D.'S SITCOM FANTASY

announcer fantasy sitcom

↓

ANNOUNCER: J.D.'S SITCOM FANTASY

announcer fantasy sitcom

↓

WILL BE BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES.

messages

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

IT'S WEIRD. THERE'S JUST SO MANY THINGS

weird

↓

IT'S WEIRD. THERE'S JUST SO MANY THINGS

weird

↓

I NEVER GOT TO DO IN MY LIFE,

life

↓

LIKE GO TO A CARNIVAL OR TAKE A RIDE IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON.

balloon carnival ride

↓

LIKE GO TO A CARNIVAL OR TAKE A RIDE IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON.

balloon carnival ride

↓

WE CAN DO ALL THAT.

↓

WE CAN DO ALL THAT.

↓

WE ARE GONNA GIVE YOU THE BEST DAY EVER.

best

↓

WE ARE GONNA GIVE YOU THE BEST DAY EVER.

best

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

ELLIOT, A WORD?

elliot word

↓

A HOT-AIR BALLOON SEEMS KIND OF DANGEROUS.

balloon dangerous seems

↓

I MEAN, HE COULD GET HURT.

hurt

↓

(SNORTS) WHAT'S HE GONNA DO,

snorts

↓

(SNORTS) WHAT'S HE GONNA DO,

snorts

↓

BRUISE ONE OF HIS GIANT MALIGNANT TUMORS?

bruise giant

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

SAFETY IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT, ELLIOT.

elliot safety

↓

SAFETY IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT, ELLIOT.

elliot safety

↓

OH, MY GOD.

↓

YOU'RE AFRAID OF BALLOON RIDES, AREN'T YOU?

afraid balloon rides

↓

YOU'RE AFRAID OF BALLOON RIDES, AREN'T YOU?

afraid balloon rides

↓

IT'S FLOATING WICKER PROPELLED BY FIRE!

fire floating wicker

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

BESIDE, I DEFY YOU TO FIND ONE OTHER THING THAT I'M AFRAID OF.

afraid beside defy

↓

BESIDE, I DEFY YOU TO FIND ONE OTHER THING THAT I'M AFRAID OF.

afraid beside defy

↓

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

applause cheering

↓

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

applause cheering

↓

IT'S MOPPIN' TIME.

↓

THERE HE IS.

↓

YES, IT'S MOPPING TIME, MY FRIEND,

friend mopping

↓

AND AS YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS LIKE TO START

start

↓

IN THE EXACT SPOT YOU'RE STANDING.

exact spot standing

↓

IN THE EXACT SPOT YOU'RE STANDING.

exact spot standing

↓

LET'S GET TO WORK.

↓

HERE WE GO.

↓

HERE WE GO.

↓

IS THAT MY NEW SWEATER?

sweater

↓

NO. THIS IS MY NEW SWEATER MOP.

sweater

↓

NO. THIS IS MY NEW SWEATER MOP.

sweater

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

IT WENT DYNAMITE WITH MY BEIGE CORDS.

beige cords dynamite

↓

IT WENT DYNAMITE WITH MY BEIGE CORDS.

beige cords dynamite

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

YOU MEAN MY BEIGE CORD SPONGE?

beige cord sponge

↓

YOU MEAN MY BEIGE CORD SPONGE?

beige cord sponge

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

applause cheering

↓

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

applause cheering

↓

YOU--YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

wanted

↓

HELL, YEAH, I WANTED TO SEE YOU.

wanted

↓

I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I--

wanted

↓

I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I--

wanted

↓

I THINK YOU'RE DOIN' A GREAT JOB.

doin

↓

BOY, THAT MEATLOAF TODAY WAS--

meatloaf today

↓

IT WAS VIRTUALLY HAIRLESS.

hairless virtually

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

I TOOK OFF THE GLOVES, AND...

gloves

↓

IT MAKES THE HAIR A LOT EASIER TO PICK OUT.

easier hair makes pick

↓

IT MAKES THE HAIR A LOT EASIER TO PICK OUT.

easier hair makes pick

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

GET OUT OF HERE.

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

PERRY, WHY THE HELL IS HE STILL HERE?

perry

↓

PERRY, WHY THE HELL IS HE STILL HERE?

perry

↓

WHEN I GO BACK DOWN TO THE CAFETERIA,

cafeteria

↓

THERE HAD BETTER BE ONLY 3 WORKERS THERE.

workers

↓

THERE HAD BETTER BE ONLY 3 WORKERS THERE.

workers

↓

UNLESS MARGARET SPITS OUT ANOTHER KID.

another margaret spits

↓

THAT WOMAN'S LIKE A CATHOLIC BUNNY.

bunny catholic womans

↓

THAT WOMAN'S LIKE A CATHOLIC BUNNY.

bunny catholic womans

↓

GET IT DONE.

↓

GET IT DONE.

↓

WHY? WHY AM I HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME WITH THIS?

hard having

↓

BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU HAVE GIRL PARTS.

apparently girl parts

↓

BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU HAVE GIRL PARTS.

apparently girl parts

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

KELSO SAID THAT IF WE CAN COVER HIS SALARY IN THE BUDGET

budget cover kelso salary

↓

KELSO SAID THAT IF WE CAN COVER HIS SALARY IN THE BUDGET

budget cover kelso salary

↓

THAT KENNY CAN STAY.

kenny

↓

BUT WHERE ARE WE GONNA COME UP WITH $26,372?

↓

BUT WHERE ARE WE GONNA COME UP WITH $26,372?

↓

I-- (BANGING)

banging

↓

I-- (BANGING)

banging

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

YOU THINKIN' WHAT I'M THINKIN'?

thinkin

↓

(LAUGHS) YEAH.

laughs

↓

THAT--OHH! THAT WE INVITE MUSCLES HERE

invite muscles

↓

THAT--OHH! THAT WE INVITE MUSCLES HERE

invite muscles

↓

TO HANG A BANNER IN OUR BEDROOM

banner bedroom hang

↓

THAT SAYS "IT TAKES 3 TO PARTY"?

party takes

↓

THAT SAYS "IT TAKES 3 TO PARTY"?

party takes

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

ALL RIGHT. (WHISTLES) KNUCKLEHEADS.

whistles

↓

ALL RIGHT. (WHISTLES) KNUCKLEHEADS.

whistles

↓

I NEED ONE OF YOU TO WIN THIS TALENT SHOW.

talent

↓

I CAN DO SHAKESPEARE IN GERMAN!

german shakespeare

↓

I CAN DO SHAKESPEARE IN GERMAN!

german shakespeare

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

IN COLLEGE, I DOUBLE-MAJORED

college double

↓

IN THEATER AND CLASSIC LANGUAGES.

classic languages theater

↓

DOES THAT DEGREE COME WITH HEADGEAR AND ALLERGIES?

allergies degree headgear

↓

DOES THAT DEGREE COME WITH HEADGEAR AND ALLERGIES?

allergies degree headgear

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT OUR OTHER OPTIONS. GANDHI...

gandhi options

↓

YOU APPEAR TO BE A MAN

appear

↓

WHO IS UTTERLY WITHOUT TALENT,

talent utterly

↓

WHO IS UTTERLY WITHOUT TALENT,

talent utterly

↓

UNLESS OF COURSE YOU WANNA COUNT THE FACT

count course fact

↓

THAT YOU ARE THE 20TH-BEST BASKETBALL PLAYER

basketball best player

↓

THAT YOU ARE THE 20TH-BEST BASKETBALL PLAYER

basketball best player

↓

IN A PREDOMINANTLY WHITE HOSPITAL.

hospital white

↓

IN A PREDOMINANTLY WHITE HOSPITAL.

hospital white

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

JORDAN, YOUR ONLY SKILL IS ILLEGAL IN 26 STATES.

illegal jordan skill states

↓

JORDAN, YOUR ONLY SKILL IS ILLEGAL IN 26 STATES.

illegal jordan skill states

↓

IT'S 27. ARKANSAS BUCKLED.

arkansas

↓

IT'S 27. ARKANSAS BUCKLED.

arkansas

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

CARLA...

carla

↓

THAT MAKES YOU MY GIRL.

girl makes

↓

THAT MAKES YOU MY GIRL.

girl makes

↓

HELL, WE COULD CRANK UP THE HUMIDITY

crank

↓

AND WATCH YOUR HAIR EXPLODE.

explode hair watch

↓

AND WATCH YOUR HAIR EXPLODE.

explode hair watch

↓

THAT'D BE TERRIFIC.

terrific thatd

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

WHICH LEAVES ME, AND...

leaves

↓

WHICH LEAVES ME, AND...

leaves

↓

UNLESS ALL OF YOU WANNA SEE ME

↓

TURN A 2-SYLLABLE WORD INTO A 6-SYLLABLE WORD,

syllable syllable-word word

↓

TURN A 2-SYLLABLE WORD INTO A 6-SYLLABLE WORD,

syllable syllable-word word

↓

I REHE-REHE-REHE-ALLY THINK...

ally

↓

I REHE-REHE-REHE-ALLY THINK...

ally

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

THAT WE SHOULD KEEP LOOKING.

looking

↓

THAT WE SHOULD KEEP LOOKING.

looking

↓

NEWBIE!

newbie

↓

I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

forgot

↓

YOU KNOW WHAT? SAVE YOUR BREATH.

breath save

↓

YOU KNOW WHAT? SAVE YOUR BREATH.

breath save

↓

I'M ABOUT TO GET IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON

balloon

↓

AND GET EVIL KNIEVEL ON MY OWN ASS.

evil knievel

↓

AND GET EVIL KNIEVEL ON MY OWN ASS.

evil knievel

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

COME ON, ELLIOT.

elliot

↓

COME ON, ELLIOT.

elliot

↓

LET'S GO FRENCH-KISS THE SUN.

french kiss

↓

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

applause laughter

↓

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

applause laughter

↓

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT TURK.

turk

↓

HE HAS MANY, MANY TALENTS.

talents

↓

HE HAS MANY, MANY TALENTS.

talents

↓

YEAH, HE'S REALLY GOOD AT NOT FINDING 5 SECONDS TO KISS HIS WIFE.

finding kiss seconds wife

↓

WOW! THAT'S INTERESTING

interesting

↓

WOW! THAT'S INTERESTING

interesting

↓

BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THAT, TOO.

↓

BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THAT, TOO.

↓

OH, REALLY? REALLY.

↓

REALLY? REALLY!

↓

BECAUSE AT LEAST I CAN REMEMBER

least remember

↓

HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN MARRIED OR WHAT OUR SONG IS.

married song

↓

HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN MARRIED OR WHAT OUR SONG IS.

married song

↓

I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF IT,

name

↓

BUT I KNOW IT GOES LIKE THIS:

↓

BUT I KNOW IT GOES LIKE THIS:

↓

# HUNH HUNH, HUNH-HUNH-HUNH, HUNH HUNH #

hunh hunh-hunh hunh-hunh-hunh

↓

# HUNH HUNH, HUNH-HUNH-HUNH, HUNH HUNH #

hunh hunh-hunh hunh-hunh-hunh

↓

ARE YOU HUMMING THE LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOVIES SONG?

humming movies song

↓

ARE YOU HUMMING THE LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOVIES SONG?

humming movies song

↓

IS THAT NOT OUR SONG?

song

↓

IT'S SUNG BY HOT DOGS.

dogs sung

↓

IT'S SUNG BY HOT DOGS.

dogs sung

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

WHAT AN AMAZING DAY!

amazing

↓

A BALLOON RIDE, LUNCH BY THE BEACH,

balloon beach lunch ride

↓

AND MY FIRST CARNIVAL.

carnival

↓

YEAH. SORRY YOU MISSED OUT ON GETTING YOUR FACE PAINTED.

face missed painted

↓

WELL, THEY ONLY HAD TIME TO PAINT ONE MORE FACE,

face paint

↓

SO I LET THE KID BEHIND ME GO TO MAKE HIM STOP CRYING.

behind crying

↓

SO I LET THE KID BEHIND ME GO TO MAKE HIM STOP CRYING.

behind crying

↓

THAT WAS AWESOME!

awesome

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

SPIDER-GIRL...

girl spider

↓

SPIDER-GIRL...

girl spider

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

ALL RIGHT, TALENT SHOW'S ABOUT TO START.

shows start talent

↓

TALENT SHOW? I'D LOVE TO SEE IT,

love talent

↓

TALENT SHOW? I'D LOVE TO SEE IT,

love talent

↓

BUT I'M TOO TIRED TO GET OUT OF BED.

tired

↓

THAT SUCKS FOR YOU!

sucks

↓

THAT SUCKS FOR YOU!

sucks

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

I'M JUST KIDDING! WE'RE GONNA DO IT RIGHT HERE!

kidding

↓

I'M JUST KIDDING! WE'RE GONNA DO IT RIGHT HERE!

kidding

↓

O ROMEO, ROMEO,

romeo

↓

O ROMEO, ROMEO,

romeo

↓

WAURM BIST DU ROMEO?

romeo

↓

WAURM BIST DU ROMEO?

romeo

↓

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

german speaking

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

GESUNDHEIT.

gesundheit

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

HEY, I'M WONDERIN',

wonderin

↓

WHAT'S THE STORY WITH STEEL WOOL?

steel story wool

↓

WHAT'S THE STORY WITH STEEL WOOL?

steel story wool

↓

I MEAN, IS IT STEEL, OR IS IT WOOL?

steel wool

↓

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, STEEL WOOL.

mind steel wool

↓

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, STEEL WOOL.

mind steel wool

↓

ARE THERE IRON SHEEP HOPPIN' AROUND SCOTLAND?

iron sheep

↓

ARE THERE IRON SHEEP HOPPIN' AROUND SCOTLAND?

iron sheep

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

OH, BROTHER.

brother

↓

OH, BROTHER.

brother

↓

LOOK, I--I--

↓

EITHER START LAUGHING OR I START UNPLUGGING YOUR MACHINES.

laughing machines start

↓

EITHER START LAUGHING OR I START UNPLUGGING YOUR MACHINES.

laughing machines start

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(DEEP VOICE) AND IF ANY OF YOU COWS, GOATS,

cows deep deep-voice goats voice

↓

(DEEP VOICE) AND IF ANY OF YOU COWS, GOATS,

cows deep deep-voice goats voice

↓

OR DUCKS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,

ducks questions

↓

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK ME.

afraid

↓

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK ME.

afraid

↓

I'M JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU,

↓

I'M JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU,

↓

ONLY GIANT AND HUMAN.

giant human

↓

ONLY GIANT AND HUMAN.

giant human

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

THANK YOU. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR PRODUCTION

enjoyed hope production

↓

OF WORLD'S MOST GIANT DOCTOR GOES TO THE FARM.

doctor farm giant giant-doctor worlds

↓

OF WORLD'S MOST GIANT DOCTOR GOES TO THE FARM.

doctor farm giant giant-doctor worlds

↓

SO, WHAT DID WE END UP GOING WITH?

↓

SO, WHAT DID WE END UP GOING WITH?

↓

OH, YOU WENT WITH THE FARM IDEA.

farm idea

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

OH, MY GOD, WE'RE DOOMED.

doomed

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

OK, PERRY, THAT'S IT. IT'S OVER.

perry

↓

THE ONLY ACT LEFT TO SEE IS YOU FIRING THAT GUY.

firing left

↓

THE ONLY ACT LEFT TO SEE IS YOU FIRING THAT GUY.

firing left

↓

WAIT, WAIT. THERE'S ONE MORE CONTESTANT.

contestant

↓

WAIT, WAIT. THERE'S ONE MORE CONTESTANT.

contestant

↓

IS THAT KENNY?

kenny

↓

HI. I'M KENNY.

kenny

↓

HI. I'M KENNY.

kenny

↓

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

applause cheering

↓

YEAH, IT IS.

↓

# ISN'T SHE LOVELY? #

lovely

↓

# ISN'T SHE LOVELY? #

lovely

↓

# ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL? #

↓

# ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL? #

↓

# ISN'T SHE PRECIOUS #

precious

↓

# ISN'T SHE PRECIOUS #

precious

↓

# LESS THAN ONE MINUTE OLD? #

less minute

↓

# LESS THAN ONE MINUTE OLD? #

less minute

↓

HEY, THAT-- THAT'S OUR SONG.

song

↓

I KNOW. I TOLD HIM TO SING IT.

sing

↓

I KNOW. I TOLD HIM TO SING IT.

sing

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

# 'CAUSE HE'S GIVEN LIFE TO US #

given life

↓

# 'CAUSE HE'S GIVEN LIFE TO US #

given life

↓

# ISN'T SHE LOVELY #

lovely

↓

# ISN'T SHE LOVELY #

lovely

↓

# MADE FROM LOVE? #

love

↓

(ALL WHISTLE AND CHEER)

cheer whistle

↓

ALL RIGHT, NOW, BOBBO, YOU GIVE IT TO HIM.

bobbo

↓

ALL RIGHT, NOW, BOBBO, YOU GIVE IT TO HIM.

bobbo

↓

YOU KNOW HE DESERVES IT.

deserves

↓

THE WINNER.

winner

↓

(ALL CLAP AND WHISTLE)

clap whistle

↓

(ALL CLAP AND WHISTLE)

clap whistle

↓

THATTA BOY!

↓

UH, TURK AND I ARE GONNA GO HOME AND SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.

home spend turk

↓

UH, TURK AND I ARE GONNA GO HOME AND SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.

home spend turk

↓

(PLAYFULLY) SOME GOOD TIME.

↓

(PLAYFULLY) SOME GOOD TIME.

↓

(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPS)

laughter whoops

↓

AND BY GOOD TIME, SHE MEANS BUMPIN' UGLIES.

↓

AND BY GOOD TIME, SHE MEANS BUMPIN' UGLIES.

↓

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'.

sayin

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

WELL, I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY, MR. JAMES.

hope james

↓

WELL, I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY, MR. JAMES.

hope james

↓

(LAUGHS) WAIT A SECOND!

laughs second

↓

(LAUGHS) WAIT A SECOND!

laughs second

↓

THIS CHART ISN'T FOR CHARLES JAMES.

charles charles-james chart james

↓

IT'S FOR JAMES CHARLES.

charles james

↓

IT'S FOR JAMES CHARLES.

charles james

↓

HE'S THE ONE WHO HAS CANCER, NOT YOU.

cancer

↓

AND WHO CARES ABOUT HIM? HE'S ANTI-SEMITIC!

anti anti-semitic cares semitic

↓

AND WHO CARES ABOUT HIM? HE'S ANTI-SEMITIC!

anti anti-semitic cares semitic

↓

EXACTLY. (CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

WELL, THAT'S A LOAD OFF MY MIND.

load mind

↓

WELL, THAT'S A LOAD OFF MY MIND.

load mind

↓

HEY, EVERYBODY!

everybody

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

THANKS FOR COMING SO QUICKLY.

coming quickly thanks

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

canned canned-laughter laughter

↓

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE KIND OF THING I NORMALLY SAY OUT LOUD IN MY HEAD,

head loud normally

↓

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE KIND OF THING I NORMALLY SAY OUT LOUD IN MY HEAD,

head loud normally

↓

BUT SINCE WE'RE ALL HERE...

↓

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE IN THE END,

seems

↓

EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT BECAUSE AS LONG AS WE--

works

↓

EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT BECAUSE AS LONG AS WE--

works

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

MR. JAMES?

james

↓

MR. JAMES, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

james

↓

MR. JAMES, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

james

↓

HE'S APNEIC! WE NEED AN AIRWAY! CALL ANESTHESIA!

airway

↓

THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

↓

THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

↓

WE'RE GONNA ENTUBATE.

↓

HANG SOME DOPAMINE, WIDE OPEN!

dopamine hang open wide wide-open

↓

HANG SOME DOPAMINE, WIDE OPEN!

dopamine hang open wide wide-open

↓

I NEED AN E.T. TUBE. WHERE'S ANESTHESIA?

tube

↓

J.D.: UNFORTUNATELY, AROUND HERE THINGS DON'T ALWAYS END

unfortunately

↓

J.D.: UNFORTUNATELY, AROUND HERE THINGS DON'T ALWAYS END

unfortunately

↓

AS NEAT AND TIDY AS THEY DO IN SITCOMS.

neat sitcoms tidy

↓

AS NEAT AND TIDY AS THEY DO IN SITCOMS.

neat sitcoms tidy

↓

RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T ALWAYS MAGICALLY FIXED IN 30 MINUTES.

fixed magically minutes relationships

↓

RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T ALWAYS MAGICALLY FIXED IN 30 MINUTES.

fixed magically minutes relationships

↓

YOU HAVE TO WORK ON THEM.

↓

PROBLEMS DON'T ALWAYS HAVE EASY SOLUTIONS.

easy problems solutions

↓

HEY, KENNY, ONCE AGAIN, I'M--

kenny

↓

HEY, KENNY, ONCE AGAIN, I'M--

kenny

↓

I'M REAL SORRY.

real

↓

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

welcome world

↓

NOW IMAGINE GOING HOME TO MY WIFE.

home imagine wife

↓

NOW IMAGINE GOING HOME TO MY WIFE.

home imagine wife

↓

J.D.: AND AROUND HERE, NICE PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS GET BETTER.

↓

J.D.: AND AROUND HERE, NICE PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS GET BETTER.

↓

AND AT TIMES LIKE THAT,

times

↓

AND AT TIMES LIKE THAT,

times

↓

IT'S COMFORTING TO KNOW THERE'S ALWAYS ONE THING

comforting

↓

THAT CAN PICK YOUR SPIRITS UP.

pick spirits

↓

THAT CAN PICK YOUR SPIRITS UP.

pick spirits

↓

(LAUGHS)

laughs

↓

(CANNED LAUGHTER FROM TV)

canned canned-laughter laughter