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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E08 — The ANTI-Social Network

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 8 — The ANTI-Social Network

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The ANTI-Social Network

Air date: November 03, 2011

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The gang uses the Internet to cyber-stalk their prey. Frank tries to drum up business for Paddy's with a viral video.

Source: TMDB

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I know, but I can't believe I never even noticed this place before.

believe noticed place

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- I walk by it all the time. - How could you notice it?

notice walk

↓

- There's no sign outside. - Yeah, what's up with that?

sign

↓

No. No storm.

storm

↓

I think the owners did it on purpose 'cause they think it's cool.

cool owners purpose

↓

- Yeah. - They blew on their sign

blew sign

↓

until it came off 'cause they thought it was cool?

cool

↓

- I mean, who does that? - No, no. Nobody blew anything.

blew nobody

↓

Facebook. That's why everybody's here.

everybodys facebook

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

- What? - Is this water?

water

↓

Gin? I hate gin!

hate

↓

Get me a beer! Get me a beer!

beer

↓

- Get me a beer! - Beer!

beer

↓

It's a gin bar. It's all they have.

↓

- Are you kidding me? - What?

kidding

↓

You mean to tell me there's this many people in this joint,

joint

↓

all they serve is gin?

serve

↓

The only reason that people are here

reason

↓

is because Facebook tells them to.

facebook tells

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This is the kind of shit we need at Paddy's.

paddys

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- Paddy's has no web presence. - You are absolutely right.

absolutely paddys presence

↓

The whole world is connected now. It's all connected by Bill Gates

bill connected gates whole whole-world world

↓

- and that rain man, Zuckerberg. - Hmm.

rain

↓

He and his Jews have connected the whole world,

connected jews whole whole-world world

↓

and now they're toppling regimes.

↓

And Egypt and Japan and the Jews are all peaceful together...

japan jews peaceful

↓

I understand the spirit of what you're saying.

spirit

↓

- Yeah. - Facebook is connecting everyone

connecting facebook

↓

- Yeah. That's what I'm saying. - Hell, and look people are showing up

showing

↓

to a bar that doesn't even have a sign, and serves only one

serves sign

↓

old-timey disgusting drink that nobody likes.

disgusting drink likes nobody nobody-likes timey

↓

That's the thing.

↓

This place has got a good business model.

business business-model model place

↓

- We have to emulate it. - That's right.

↓

We have to get rid of all the beer in Paddy's.

beer paddys

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You know, maybe I'll do the blowing. That's fine.

blowing

↓

Charlie, stop, stop, stop.

charlie

↓

- I didn't until Mac said it. - I never did.

↓

A grown man can't blow a sign off of a building.

blow building grown sign

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In his defense, you could loosen the screws,

defense loosen screws

↓

get up there and blow...

blow

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We are talking about the Internet.

internet

↓

Ugh! Ew.

↓

What the hell was that?

↓

Don't worry about it, okay? We gotta get on this.

worry

↓

He's absolutely right. No distractions.

absolutely distractions

↓

Paddy's needs to get connected.

connected needs paddys

↓

Look at the gin bar's Facebook page. They have like 50,000 friends.

bars facebook friends page

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- Crazy. - Links to Twitter viral videos.

crazy links twitter videos viral

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Their web presence is amazing.

amazing presence

↓

We could do a viral video for Paddy's.

paddys video viral viral-video

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Well, we can't afford not to.

afford

↓

That's right. We'll do a really cool video

cool video

↓

of how we serve gin in spaghetti cans or something.

cans serve spaghetti

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And we take the sign down.

sign

↓

Frank, you're getting hung up on the wrong things.

frank hung

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The old booze and the no sign have nothing to do with it.

booze sign

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Yeah, what kind of a douche bag walks into a bar

douche walks

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just 'cause it doesn't have a sign outside of it?

sign

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That's stupid. Use your head.

head stupid

↓

But that's the most important thing, exclusivity.

↓

Weird drinks, no sign. That's cool.

cool drinks sign weird

↓

Maybe, but I like Paddy's sign,

paddys sign

↓

- so it stays up. - Yeah.

stays

↓

I got the sign down.

sign

↓

And there's no way a man could have blown that off of our bar.

blown

↓

There's just no way. You're totally wrong about that, Mac.

↓

- Yeah. - I never once said that.

↓

- You did not? - Okay, forget it. Forget it.

forget

↓

We're doing a viral video thing now, okay?

video viral viral-video

↓

All right. Listen. Can I stop all this for one second?

second

↓

I don't mean to derail us, 'cause this is very, very important stuff,

derail stuff

↓

but, um, I'm getting a little hung up on something.

hung

↓

The guy that shushed us last night... is that bugging anybody else?

anybody bugging night shushed

↓

I've been thinking about that, too.

thinking

↓

- Have you been thinking about that? - I really have.

thinking

↓

What... You were in the middle of telling Charlie to keep quiet.

charlie middle quiet telling

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Yeah, I was telling him to be quiet. I was telling him to be quiet.

quiet telling

↓

I tell everyone that.

↓

I don't shush them like they're animals. I use my words.

animals shush words

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Whatever. I'm gonna go get the video camera.

camera video video-camera

↓

- Yeah. - Yes. Guys, you're normally very excited

excited normally

↓

about making videos, all right?

videos

↓

Let's just focus. We have bigger fish to fry.

bigger fish focus

↓

Yeah, let it go.

↓

- I can't let it go. - I can't let it go either.

↓

- I won't let it go. - I'm irritated by it.

irritated

↓

I'm not gonna let it go.

↓

Yeah, but the viral video thing

video viral viral-video

↓

- is very important. - We'll get to that.

↓

Yeah. We'll pop a shush on the guy, and we'll be right back.

shush

↓

- Let's... Yeah. - No.

↓

You could just find the guy on Facebook.

facebook

↓

That's where you find people these days.

days

↓

You're not gonna find the guy on Facebook.

facebook

↓

- There's three billion people on there. - Are you crazy?

billion crazy three

↓

Yeah, you don't even know the guy's name.

name

↓

We don't know his name.

name

↓

Go on Facebook, magically find a guy.

facebook magically

↓

Facebook.

facebook

↓

Found him.

found

↓

- Really? - Yeah. He was friends with the gin bar.

friends

↓

- Holy shit. Yeah, that's him. - That's him.

holy

↓

- Facebook is amazing. - Right?

amazing facebook

↓

- We are all connected. - Okay.

connected

↓

- We're all connected. - Yeah, we're connected.

connected

↓

So let's get back to business.

business

↓

- Uh, viral video. - Yeah, but now that I'm seeing his face...

face seeing video viral viral-video

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - I gotta be honest.

honest

↓

It was very annoying last night when he did that.

annoying night

↓

- It pissed me off. Right? - Yeah. Yeah.

pissed

↓

All right. Maybe we can just, you know, send him a friend request and then...

friend request send

↓

See if he responds...

responds

↓

And then we'll get back to what we were doing.

↓

- Okay, yeah. Distracted. - All right. Did he respond?

distracted respond

↓

- Not yet. - How long does it take?

↓

Oh, you know, it depends on if he's online or not.

depends online

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- Refresh. - Refresh.

refresh

↓

Here's the problem with Facebook and Twitter.

facebook problem twitter

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You know, everyone says, "Oh, it's changing the world,

changing world

↓

but not in a good way," you know.

↓

We're not connected with each other anymore.

anymore connected

↓

And then these people who do that shit,

↓

they hear you having a real conversation with your real buddies, your real pals,

buddies conversation having pals real

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and they get all jealous and pissed off, and they want to shush you.

jealous pissed shush

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Yeah, right. And you know what else is bugging me about this guy?

bugging

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I cannot get past the fact that we're perfect strangers.

cannot fact past perfect strangers

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He doesn't know me. I mean, for all this guy knows,

knows

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He shushes me 'cause he doesn't like the volume of my conversation,

conversation shushes volume

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next thing he knows he's chopped to bits in a basement somewhere, you know.

basement bits chopped knows

↓

- Was that worth it? - No.

worth

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I mean... And I could be a man with a fist full of hammers...

fist full hammers

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- Right. - And a trunk full of duct tape

duct duct-tape full tape trunk

↓

and zip ties.

ties

↓

You know, this guy doesn't know me. Is he crazy?

crazy

↓

Right. It's very upsetting to me that he didn't consider any of that.

consider upsetting

↓

Yeah, well, this is not a considerate man, Charlie. This is a rude man,

charlie considerate rude

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and they are very seldom the same people.

↓

Yeah...

↓

- Uh, sir. - Oh. Yeah.

↓

Can we get you for a second? We've got a...

second

↓

What can I get you?

↓

Well, we're looking for a man.

looking

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Um, yeah. This guy was a real douche bag.

douche real

↓

- He was in here the other night. - Yeah, douchey looking.

looking night

↓

- Kind of douchey. - Yeah.

↓

I wish I had a picture of the guy, but we don't.

picture wish

↓

- Oh, he's a shusher. - Oh, yes. Right.

↓

This is a douche bag who goes around shushing people

douche shushing

↓

that he doesn't even know.

↓

Yeah, people who could have chain saws.

chain

↓

Or hammers. I mean, is any of this ringing a bell to you?

bell hammers ringing

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No. Sorry, but I don't really see what the big deal is.

deal

↓

- The big deal. - You don't even see what the big deal is?

deal

↓

The big deal, sir, is that a grown man shushed me and my friend here.

deal friend grown shushed

↓

We demand satisfaction from this person.

demand person satisfaction

↓

We gotta find this guy because we have important shit

↓

that we're trying to do on the Internet, or whatever.

internet

↓

We have much bigger things going on. The sign is down, okay?

bigger sign

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- The sign is down. - He took it down.

sign

↓

It's never been down. You see what I'm saying?

↓

- No. - I'm getting frustrated.

frustrated

↓

I'm also very frustrated. Look. How would you like to be shushed?

frustrated shushed

↓

- Yeah. - I don't think I'd care.

care

↓

Shh! How'd that feel?

howd

↓

I mean, I was finished speaking.

finished speaking

↓

Well, shh to you!

↓

- Again, I was done, so... - You're speaking too fast.

fast speaking

↓

Well, stop speaking in such short sentences.

sentences short speaking

↓

Then we can shush you in the middle and you'll know how it feels.

feels middle shush

↓

Okay, do you guys want a drink, or what?

drink

↓

- Yeah. - We want drinks.

drinks

↓

- Absolutely. - Okay, so two house specials?

absolutely house specials

↓

Shh!

↓

- Specials. Yeah. - Yeah, two house specials.

house specials

↓

- Got interrupted. How'd that feel? - On your way.

howd interrupted

↓

I think you got him with that one though.

↓

Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't exactly feel good about it.

↓

- No. - But he had to know how it feels.

feels

↓

- Yeah, but you nailed him. - Thanks, man.

nailed thanks

↓

Hey, you know,

↓

I think I know how we can get a picture of this shush-er guy.

picture shush

↓

What you thinking?

thinking

↓

Refresh.

refresh

↓

Goddamn it. Why won't this guy be our friend?

friend goddamn goddamn-it

↓

It's like an online shush. You know, I...

online shush

↓

Paddy's Pub has over 30 friends at this point.

friends paddys point

↓

Why will this guy not accept our friend request?

accept friend request

↓

- He's too good for us? - Don't complain.

complain

↓

- Just hit refresh again. - You son of a bitch!

bitch refresh

↓

Refresh.

refresh

↓

Ha! I got the video camera!

camera video video-camera

↓

All right. Mac, say "I got infected."

infected

↓

- What? - Say it!

↓

I got infected. Get that away from me.

infected

↓

Deandra, okay, now here you go.

deandra

↓

- Say "I got the bug." - No, I'm busy, Frank.

busy frank

↓

- Say "bug." - Bug!

↓

What are you doing?

↓

I'm shooting the virus thing.

shooting virus

↓

What virus thing?

virus

↓

The virus thing that you guys said we were gonna infect

infect virus

↓

all our friends on Facebook or whatever.

facebook friends

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- Oh! We got him! - We got him?

↓

We got you, Dylan Toback! You giant douche!

douche dylan dylan-toback giant toback

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Are you guys gonna help me do the virus thing, or what?

virus

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We're busy right now,.

busy

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Yeah, we're doing the shushing thing first, Frank.

frank shushing

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But you said the virus video was the most important thing.

video virus

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No, no. We said the viral video is very important,

video viral viral-video

↓

and it is very important, but we're on to this now.

↓

You know, we'll do it later.

↓

Why don't you get it started and then

started

↓

we'll come and fix what you did, okay?

↓

- All right, but hurry up. - Oh, check out these updates.

check hurry updates

↓

"I am a man-whore. I hate women. I am a liar."

hate hate-women liar whore women

↓

He admits that he is a liar. Son of a bitch!

bitch liar

↓

Uh, looks like he is shopping for a silk sash at Tootie's,

shopping silk

↓

on South Street.

south street

↓

A silk sash at Tootie's?

silk

↓

- What an asshole. - Hmm.

asshole

↓

- Okay. Daddy got a new plan. - Mmm-hmm.

daddy plan

↓

Daddy got a new plan. Let's head down to Tootie's,

daddy head plan

↓

and we'll fire a shush right in his face.

face fire shush

↓

We'll shush him real quick.

quick real real-quick shush

↓

But we won't tell Dennis and Charlie, 'cause they mocked us.

charlie dennis mocked

↓

Eventually we'll tell them though, right?

eventually

↓

We won't tell them right now, but we'll come back,

↓

- and we'll jam it in their faces. - Face!

face faces

↓

Yeah, once we shush him. Okay, let's go.

shush

↓

- Okay. - Great idea. Great idea!

idea

↓

I want to make sure you got the nose right though.

nose

↓

That's the most important part to me, because it was an annoying nose.

annoying nose part

↓

It was a nose that you wanted to smack.

nose smack wanted

↓

And then give him almond eyes if you...

almond eyes

↓

You've already said that. And don't compliment the man.

compliment

↓

It's not a compliment from me,

compliment

↓

'cause I don't like people with almond eyes. I find it creepy.

almond creepy eyes

↓

All right. Can we just take a look at the drawing?

drawing

↓

Because we kinda need to get out of here.

kinda

↓

You've done an excellent job.

excellent

↓

Really good. Wow!

↓

And what is your technique, sir? Because I want to learn that. That is...

learn technique

↓

You know, the only thing that would I think help this

↓

- is if you had him do this gesture... - Oh, my God.

gesture

↓

...because when the man assaulted us...

assaulted

↓

Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Kelly, I'm Detective Larson.

detective kelly larson reynolds

↓

I'm gonna need to clear something up on your report here.

clear report

↓

- We're good, actually, 'cause we got... - It doesn't... Yeah, we're good.

↓

It says here this was filed as an assault,

assault filed

↓

but the only thing that you're claiming was that this man shushed you?

claiming shushed

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Yeah. - But it was an assault.

assault

↓

Shushing somebody is not an assault.

assault shushing somebody

↓

There was more to it...

↓

Yeah... It wasn't just shushing though.

shushing

↓

- Yeah... - And the reason it was an assault

assault reason

↓

was because he was shushing our cries for help.

cries shushing

↓

Right. This guy was raping us...

raping

↓

- Well... Wha... - He was raping you?

raping

↓

- Yeah. - Well, yeah.

↓

- Yeah. - The both of you?

↓

- No. You can't rape two guys. - No.

rape

↓

No, no, no. I wouldn't even necessarily classify it...

necessarily

↓

You know what happened was that he only raped my friend here.

friend happened raped

↓

I actually shook him off in time.

shook

↓

The guy never quite made it inside of me, but my friend here...

friend

↓

- Yeah. - So he was only raping you?

raping

↓

- Yeah. - Yep.

↓

Yeah. He, like, really, kinda made soup of your insides...

insides kinda soup

↓

No. No, no, no. He barely made it in there, so, trust me, I'm fine.

barely trust

↓

- Yeah, but he bit his dick. - What?

dick

↓

No, he did...

↓

He... He...

↓

The reason we were gonna file it as a rape

file rape reason

↓

was because he did make it inside me, but, like, just barely.

barely

↓

And the guy was super-small, so I'm fine.

super

↓

And then I did get away.

↓

Well, don't write any of this down.

write

↓

Look. Can we just drop the case?

case drop

↓

- Yeah! - Right?

↓

- We don't need to... - We just need the drawing.

drawing

↓

I didn't even think about that,

↓

because if we have the drawing, we can find the guy.

drawing

↓

- We can dole out the justice... - And then this...

dole justice

↓

and then this never needs to go in any files anywhere.

files needs

↓

If you and Mr. Reynolds are filing a false police report,

false filing police police-report report reynolds

↓

there's no way in hell you're getting out of here with that drawing.

drawing

↓

All right, Charlie.

charlie

↓

I got another plan.

another plan

↓

- How's that? - That's perfect.

perfect

↓

That looks exactly like him.

↓

Yeah, I mean, he wasn't in a dune buggy,

dune

↓

- and he didn't have... - No, he was not.

↓

- ...a propeller on his head. - I like the shushing though.

head shushing

↓

You nailed the shushing!

nailed shushing

↓

Tootie's. Tootie's. This is it.

↓

Ew!

↓

- Is that him? - That's him.

↓

- That is him. - Let's do this.

↓

Hey, Dylan Toback.

dylan dylan-toback toback

↓

- Shh! - Shh!

↓

Oh. Hey.

↓

- Sorry about that. - Hi, ma'am.

maam

↓

We thought you were this guy, Dylan Toback.

dylan dylan-toback toback

↓

He shushed us, and...

shushed

↓

- We were gonna shush him back. Yeah. - Yeah.

shush

↓

We didn't think you were a man, per se...

↓

- I did. - Okay, I did, too.

↓

- I did because of your hair. - Here's why.

hair

↓

It's the hair, and it's the cardigan, and it's the build...

build hair

↓

- Yeah, and it's the way you stand. - But that's okay.

stand

↓

- Broad shoulders. - That's okay.

broad shoulders

↓

There's nothing you can do about that.

↓

Have a nice day. I'm still confused.

confused

↓

I'm very confused. It's sort of a transgender situation.

confused situation transgender

↓

- Are you guys looking for Dylan Toback? - Yes.

dylan dylan-toback looking toback

↓

Do you know him?

↓

He posted on Facebook that he was here.

facebook posted

↓

Well, can you guys keep a secret?

secret

↓

- No! - Ye... yes.

↓

- Yes, I can. Yes, yes. - Yes, yes.

↓

That wasn't him. It was me.

↓

I started a Facebook page to get back at him.

facebook page started

↓

I'm his ex-girlfriend, and he was the worst.

girlfriend worst

↓

He was always like, "Sally, send me money."

money sally send

↓

"Sally, mail me hair."

hair mail sally

↓

- Mail him hair? - Weird, right?

hair mail weird

↓

Yeah. And then he posted a bunch of naked pics of me online,

bunch naked online pics posted

↓

and that was the last straw.

straw

↓

Oh, my God! That's disgusting.

disgusting

↓

- I know. - Naked pics online? Where?

naked online pics

↓

- Where did he post those? - I don't know.

post

↓

One of those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites.

disgusting girlfriend porno sites

↓

Oh, those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites.

disgusting girlfriend porno sites

↓

There's so many of them though.

↓

Which one? Which one did he post it on?

post

↓

Do you know where we can find him?

↓

I can give you his address. I don't give a shit.

address

↓

- Really? - Great! Great!

↓

Also, put down one of the sites that was...

sites

↓

Listen. Do you want to come with us and maybe get some payback?

payback

↓

That's... Well...

↓

Here's the thing. He's never actually met me.

↓

Well, the pics I sent were a little more flattering than I actually am,

flattering pics sent

↓

and so we just sort of had this online relationship.

online relationship

↓

- Mmm. Mmm-hmm. - But the hair I mailed was mine.

hair mailed

↓

- That was real. - You know what?

real

↓

This chick is douchier than Dylan.

chick dylan

↓

- Let's get out of here. - Yeah.

↓

You know, I'm not even gonna look for those nude photos.

nude photos

↓

I might. I might, though. I might.

might

↓

Come on, man. This guy's been in here.

↓

He's got the annoying nose that you wanted to smack.

annoying nose smack wanted

↓

Evil almond eyes.

almond evil eyes

↓

I'm sorry, guys.

↓

I've never seen a cartoon character in here shushing people before.

cartoon cartoon-character character seen shushing

↓

- Well, he wasn't in a dune buggy. - Yeah.

dune

↓

Look. Use your imagination.

imagination

↓

Yeah, he's not a cartoon character, okay?

cartoon cartoon-character character

↓

Would you just take this seriously?

↓

I don't see how I could take this seriously.

↓

He's not helping.

helping

↓

- No. - He's not gonna be a help to us.

↓

You're just gonna be difficult, so go get us more gin drinks.

difficult drinks

↓

- That's all you're good for. - Yeah. More of the gin.

↓

God. All right. Here's what I'm gonna do, Charlie.

charlie

↓

I'm gonna write "Rude man who shushes.

rude shushes write

↓

Please call." at the top,

↓

and then, at the bottom, I'll put my phone number.

bottom number phone phone-number

↓

- Right. - Right?

↓

And then we'll make a shitload of copies,

copies shitload

↓

we'll put them up all over town, and it'll act like a wanted poster.

itll poster town wanted

↓

Okay, wait. You want the rude man to call you?

rude

↓

No, I want people to call me about the rude man.

rude

↓

But if the rude man calls me...

calls rude

↓

...that works, too.

works

↓

- That works, too! All right. - That's gonna work.

works

↓

Now, hold on a second. You're cool just putting

cool putting second

↓

your personal information out there?

information personal

↓

Yeah! I'm absolutely cool with that, man, because I'm saying "Connect with me."

absolutely connect cool

↓

- Right. - See? That's what we're talking about.

↓

People just don't connect these days.

connect days

↓

I'm saying, "Call me. Let's have a phone conversation."

conversation phone

↓

- Yeah, don't tweet. - Don't just tweet me. Don't shush me.

shush tweet

↓

You know, let's connect. Let's have a connection, you know.

connect connection

↓

- Right. Don't be rude. - Let's talk about rude people.

rude

↓

Let's talk about people who do rude things, you know.

rude

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - I guarantee you,

guarantee

↓

people will respect this.

respect

↓

Okay, one little roadblock. No big deal.

deal

↓

But let's shush this guy and get out of here,

shush

↓

because it's starting to get complicated.

complicated starting

↓

Yeah. And what was happening back there?

↓

Sending nude pictures of yourself?

nude pictures sending

↓

- That's just stupid, and that's desperate. - Yeah, and hair?

desperate hair stupid

↓

I mean, sending hair... Tthat's just demented.

demented hair sending

↓

Well, the hair I don't really have a problem with.

hair problem

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

- What is the point of that? - You send your hair to a guy,

hair point send

↓

and you just give that guy a sense of you and your smells and...

sense smells

↓

- Oh, oh! Shh! - Shh!

↓

Okay. Come on. Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

We're looking for Dylan Toback. Is he around?

dylan dylan-toback looking toback

↓

Oh, Lord.

lord

↓

I knew this day would come. Um, come in.

↓

Okay, but, listen, we don't have a lot of time, okay?

↓

Um, a few months ago, my daughter, Jamela, bought me

bought daughter months

↓

this brand-new computer, and she put it right here.

brand computer

↓

Speed up, speed up!

speed

↓

Okay. So, ever since Jerry got put on life support...

jerry life life-support support

↓

- I have nothing but time... - Whoa! Slow down,

slow whoa whoa-slow

↓

slow down!

slow

↓

Ew. I didn't see him there.

↓

I've had nothing but time on my hands.

hands

↓

And I've been so lonely, you know.

lonely

↓

Okay, well, does any of this have anything to do with Dylan Toback?

dylan dylan-toback toback

↓

- Oh, why is she doing that? - Um...

↓

I am Dylan Toback.

dylan dylan-toback toback

↓

- No. No. No. - Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

↓

- No, you're not. - Don't say that.

↓

We don't have time for that, okay?

↓

Is anybody online the person who they say that they are?

anybody online person

↓

Okay, do you know how to find the real Dylan Toback?

dylan dylan-toback real toback

↓

Well, what I'm saying is he doesn't exist.

exist

↓

I made up the name Dylan Toback.

dylan dylan-toback name toback

↓

I've made up dozens of names. I'm really good at it.

dozens names

↓

My real name is Catfish!

catfish name real real-name

↓

- What the hell is happening here? - Here's what I gather.

gather

↓

I think she went on the gin bar's web site,

bars site

↓

found a picture of that guy

found picture

↓

and then made up a whole name and personality for him.

name personality whole

↓

- So we don't know the guy's name. - No.

name

↓

We don't even know if he's on Facebook.

facebook

↓

- Nope. - How the hell are we gonna find him?

nope

↓

- I don't know. - Well, how did you find me?

↓

Was it that Sally?

sally

↓

Because that bitch been getting on my nerves.

bitch nerves

↓

- So you know Sally? - Oh, well, Dylan knows Sally.

dylan knows sally

↓

No, he doesn't, 'cause Dylan isn't real! And you know what?

dylan real

↓

Sally isn't Sally anymore. Sally is now Dylan.

anymore dylan sally

↓

Yeah! And what about the nude photos?

nude photos

↓

This is not about the nude photos, Mac.

nude photos

↓

Shh!

↓

- Don't you shush me! - Don't you shush us, goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it shush

↓

Don't disturb Jerry!

disturb jerry

↓

Disturb Jerry? I'm disturbed! He should be disturbed!

disturb disturbed jerry

↓

This whole thing is disturbing.

disturbing whole

↓

And if you shush me one more time, I will put you in the ground.

ground shush

↓

- Do you hear me? - You know what, Dee!

↓

We're losing focus. All right?

focus losing

↓

Let's just get back to the bar. We'll find the nude photos there.

nude photos

↓

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's focus on the... - Well, hold on.

focus

↓

Don't you want your hair back?

hair

↓

- Is that your hair, Dee? - Oh, come on.

hair

↓

- You're Carl Lundegard? - Yeah.

carl

↓

I mean, what is the problem?

problem

↓

Are we not putting these in the right part of town?

part putting town

↓

We put them in every part of town.

part town

↓

I know. Ooh, ooh. Here we go.

↓

- Here we go. Okay. - Come on.

↓

Hello?

↓

I saw that guy you were looking for.

looking

↓

- You did? Oh, that's great. - Yeah.

↓

Okay, can you tell us where exactly the...

↓

- Shh! - Uh, no. Oh, you do not!

↓

Oh! You...

↓

- He shushed me. - Another one?

another shushed

↓

Yes, another shusher shushing me on the phone.

another phone shushing

↓

All right. Maybe the poster is the problem because it says...

poster problem

↓

- "Rude man who shushes, please call." - Right.

rude shushes

↓

So rude men are calling just to shush you.

calling rude shush

↓

- To shush me. - This is prank calls.

calls prank shush

↓

Am I gonna have to change my phone number?

change number phone phone-number

↓

That's a pain in the ass.

pain

↓

Yes. You never want to put your personal information out there in the world.

information personal world

↓

- Yo! - It's like people abuse it.

abuse

↓

- You find the guy? - No!

↓

- He's unfindable. - We just hit a bunch of dead ends.

bunch dead ends

↓

- Right? The guy is a ghost. - I know!

ghost

↓

We tried to track him down on Facebook,

facebook track tried

↓

but it got very strange.

strange

↓

Like, it was just a bunch of girls pretending to be boys,

boys bunch girls pretending

↓

and Dee banged a fat old black lady,

banged black lady

↓

- and then sent her hair. - That's not... All right.

hair sent

↓

Hey! I did the video,

video

↓

and I sent it to all of Paddy's Facebook friends.

facebook facebook-friends friends paddys sent

↓

- You did? - Yep.

↓

- Frank to the rescue. - Oh, ho! Frank saves the day.

frank rescue saves

↓

- All right. - Good work, Frank.

frank

↓

- Nice. - Let's check out what you got here.

check

↓

FRANK Welcome to Paddy's Pub,

frank paddys welcome

↓

the oldest pub in America.

america oldest

↓

- Well, that's not true. - Right.

↓

No, I lied. Everybody lies on the Internet.

everybody internet lied lies

↓

He's right. Everybody out there is lying

everybody lying

↓

to get what they want. Why can't we?

↓

Totally.

↓

FRANK We have a variety of old liquors

frank liquors variety

↓

served in strange containers.

containers served strange

↓

We are packed with celebrities... the fun ones.

celebrities fun ones packed

↓

FRANK We also have cockfights and strippers.

frank strippers

↓

And guess what...

↓

we don't have a sign, so good luck finding the place.

finding luck place sign

↓

But if you do, you'll be lucky...

lucky

↓

...'cause we also got donkey shows,

donkey shows

↓

Motley Crue and cake.

cake

↓

- Awesome. Awesome. - Okay, okay.

awesome awesome-awesome

↓

- Okay. - That's awesome.

awesome

↓

- That is awesome. - Frank! I gotta hand it to you.

awesome frank hand

↓

I think I would go to this bar.

↓

I would definitely go to that bar.

↓

This is the best part, coming up.

best best-part coming part

↓

So spread the word to all of your friends.

friends spread word

↓

At Paddy's Pub, you're guaranteed to catch a...

catch guaranteed paddys

↓

Virus!

virus

↓

Just ask this guy.

↓

I got infected. Get it away from me.

infected

↓

- Or her. - No, I'm busy.

busy

↓

She looks like she caught the...

caught

↓

Bug!

↓

So spread this video to all of your friends,

friends spread video

↓

because it's a computer virus.

computer virus

↓

Virus!

virus

↓

Take it from me...

↓

I am a doctor.

doctor

↓

Dr. Toboggan.

toboggan

↓

Mantis Toboggan.

mantis toboggan

↓

What?

↓

You sent that to all of our Facebook friends?

facebook facebook-friends friends sent

↓

Yeah!

↓

They're gonna think they have a computer virus, Frank.

computer frank virus

↓

Wait. Well, you're the ones who said we needed the virus video.

needed ones video virus

↓

I said a viral video, Frank. Goddamn it.

frank goddamn goddamn-it video viral viral-video

↓

- Goddamn it! - Oh, my God.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

We never should've left him in charge.

charge left shouldve

↓

The problem is we got focused on the guy.

focused problem

↓

We didn't help him with his...

↓

This whole thing is a total mess.

mess total whole

↓

I mean, absolutely nothing good has come of today.

absolutely today

↓

No, we wasted all of our time.

wasted

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

This is a bar, right?

↓

We noticed you guys didn't have a sign out front.

front noticed sign

↓

Thought that was pretty cool.

cool

↓

You guys open?

open

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

Yes. We are.

↓

Charlie, lock the door.

charlie door lock

↓

Come on in. Oh!