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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E02 — Charlie Wants an Abortion

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 2 — Charlie Wants an Abortion

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Charlie Wants an Abortion

Air date: August 11, 2005

Director: John Fortenberry

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson

A girl from Charlie's past reveals they have a child together. Mac sees the benefits in being a pro-life advocate, while Dennis uses an abortion rally to meet women.

Source: TMDB

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DENNIS: No, dude. It's not, it's not a question

dennis question

↓

of individual style. It's about having some taste.

having individual style taste

↓

You're attacking my ability to express myself, dude.

ability attacking express

↓

How am I attacking your ability to... I just don't get it.

ability attacking

↓

What's not to get? "Come to Philly for the crack".

crack philly

↓

It has a picture of the Liberty Bell on it. It's funny and original.

bell funny liberty liberty-bell original picture

↓

It's not fun... How is it funny and original?

fun funny original

↓

Every asshole on South Street is wearing a t-shirt

asshole shirt south street wearing

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with an ironic slogan on it.

ironic

↓

Well, excuse me if all my t-shirts

excuse shirts

↓

don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel.

playing

↓

You cut the sleeves off of all your t-shirts.

shirts sleeves

↓

What, so you can show off your tats? Those are really original, dude.

original

↓

- They're tribal. - Oh, they're trib...

tribal

↓

I'm sorry. What tribe are you from? What? Is it an Indian tribe or?

indian tribe

↓

- Are you gonna let me in this game? - No. You're the ref.

game

↓

I don't want to ref anymore. I'd like to play, so...

anymore

↓

- You're an excellent ref, Charlie. - You're a very good ref.

charlie excellent

↓

Yeah, I know. I'm a great ref. I'd like to play the game now.

game

↓

Are you gonna get mad? You gonna turn into the Mad Munchkin?

munchkin

↓

Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?

charlie lollipop represent

↓

- Do you? STACY: Hey, Charlie.

charlie stacy

↓

#Are you the mad Munchkin

munchkin

↓

# - He is the mad Munchkin - The little mad, mad Munchkin man #

munchkin

↓

- Oh, okay. This is what we do? - I need to talk to you.

↓

# - I'm a little Munchkin man # - It's about our son!

munchkin

↓

Nobody wants to hear that.

nobody nobody-wants wants

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DENNIS: So, wait, she's sayin' this is your son?

dennis sayin

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MAC: I don't know. Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me, Charlie.

bullshit bunch charlie sounds

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I know! I know. There's, like, no way that this is possible.

possible

↓

Well, did you have sex with her?

↓

- Yeah. - Okay. Did you use birth control?

birth birth-control control

↓

Oh, Dee, we went to Catholic school, so...

catholic school

↓

Okay. So you're allowed to have premarital sex

allowed

↓

but you're not allowed to use birth control?

allowed birth birth-control control

↓

No. All right. You're twisting words here and, like, gettin' cute.

cute gettin twisting words

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When did she have this kid?

↓

It's been, like, 10 years since I've even seen her.

seen years

↓

- Ten years? - What does she want?

years

↓

Well, that's the weird thing. She doesn't want money

money weird

↓

or anything like that. She just wants me to meet him.

meet wants

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- Are you gonna do it? - No.

↓

Well, dude, you gotta meet the kid. I mean, you gotta find out for sure.

meet

↓

Yeah, I guess. It's just...

↓

I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know?

wish

↓

- Like be there for him? - No. Get her an abortion.

abortion

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So you're not allowed to use birth control,

allowed birth birth-control control

↓

but abortions are no problem?

abortions problem

↓

Okay. So, now you're, like, a word genius,

genius word

↓

and everything I say, you twist it around and make me look dumb.

dumb twist

↓

Charlie's right, though.

charlies

↓

He should have at least had a say in the matter.

least matter

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Well, it's her body, and it's her decision.

body decision

↓

No, I'm sorry. It's not just her decision. The man should get a vote.

decision vote

↓

- Well, ultimately it's her choice. - It is not just her choice.

choice ultimately

↓

It's nobody's choice. It should be left up to God.

choice left nobodys

↓

Is he... Is that... Are you joking?

joking

↓

No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis, book two, verse three?

book joke remember three verse

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"And he breathed into the nostrils of Adam

adam nostrils

↓

"on the first day. And it was good."

↓

Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.

nostrils sounds uncomfortable

↓

You're making an asshole out of yourself.

asshole

↓

Dude, you need to get a blood test, okay?

blood blood-test test

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I remember Stacy Corvelli. She was a slut.

remember slut stacy

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You're right. Uh, Mac, what's God's stance on blood tests?

blood blood-tests gods stance tests

↓

Hmm. I don't know. I'd have to check.

check

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(doorbell rings) All right, you feeling good?

doorbell doorbell-rings feeling rings

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No. I feel nauseous. I think I'm gonna go.

nauseous

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- I'm gonna run. - No, no, no. It's...

↓

- I should go. - Hi. Hey, Charlie.

charlie

↓

- Hi. - You brought your, uh...

brought

↓

Dennis Reynolds. We didn't get a chance to talk before,

chance dennis dennis-reynolds reynolds

↓

but I remember you. Yeah.

remember

↓

- You went to St. Giles? - I did. Yeah. With... Yeah.

↓

So you two are together now, or...

↓

- No. - No. No.

↓

- I'm just here for moral support. - We're not... That's not even...

moral support

↓

- I brought him along. - Yeah.

along brought

↓

STACY: All right. Come on in.

stacy

↓

I'm real glad you decided to do this, Charlie.

charlie decided glad real

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Yeah. Well, uh, you know, it's the least I could do, so.

least

↓

Yeah. Sorry I don't have a lot of time. I gotta get to work.

↓

Uh, Tommy, come on in here, son!

tommy

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TOMMY (shouting): What do you want, Mom?

shouting tommy

↓

He's a bit of a handful. Uh, Charlie and his friend are here.

charlie friend handful

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TOMMY: So goddamn what? - Tommy, come in here, please!

goddamn tommy

↓

- This is bullshit. - Whoa!

bullshit whoa

↓

STACY: Language, please. - Hey.

language stacy

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Which one of you fags is supposed to be my dad?

supposed

↓

- Whoa, hello. Right off the bat... - Yeah.

whoa

↓

Tommy, be nice. Huh? This is Charlie.

charlie tommy

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(scoffs) Are you serious? This is the guy?

scoffs serious

↓

What's that supposed to mean, buddy?

buddy supposed

↓

Well, I should be home around 8:00. Uh, what do you guys have planned?

home planned

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- Uh, I thought we'd go to the park. - Huh. That sounds nice.

park sounds

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- Wanna go to the park, Tommy? - I don't care.

care park tommy

↓

Okay. That's great. Bye, sweetie. Have fun, boys.

boys fun sweetie

↓

I'm not goin' to the park.

goin park

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No shit.

↓

(phones ringing)

phones ringing

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What is this place?

place

↓

This is a place where we're gonna go see a special friend of mine.

friend place special special-friend

↓

Why?

↓

'Cause he's gonna help us figure something very important out.

figure

↓

- It's gonna be good to know. - Why?

↓

Because I said so. No more questions, okay, buddy?

buddy questions

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- Why? - Stop saying "why".

↓

- Why? - Stop it. I don't like this game.

game

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- Why? - Is this a game?

game

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- Is this your game? - Why? Why?

game

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Hey, pretty boy.

↓

What you here for?

↓

My friend's gettin'...

friends gettin

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... a blood test. - Your boyfriend?

blood blood-test boyfriend test

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No. He's not my... He's not my boyfriend.

boyfriend

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- He got AIDS? - I don't... I don't think so.

aids

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- Do you? - No, I don't.

↓

I'll blow you for $10.

blow

↓

(blows)

blows

↓

Let me consult some of this free literature they got here

consult free literature

↓

regarding that proposition. Oh. You know what?

proposition regarding

↓

According to this, that's not a good idea. So I'm gonna have to pass.

according idea pass

↓

But thanks. I appreciate it. Really nice of you.

appreciate thanks

↓

- He's playin' mind games, dude. - I wanna leave.

games mind mind-games playin

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- Hey, tough. - What are we doin' here?

doin tough

↓

Don't answer. It's a trick question. He tries to get in your head.

answer head question trick tries

↓

- It's a little game he plays. - No, let me answer the question.

answer game plays question

↓

See, we're at a free clinic, Tommy.

clinic free free-clinic tommy

↓

Charlie doesn't have health insurance. See this lady back here?

charlie health health-insurance insurance lady

↓

Take a look. That's what you get if you don't have health insurance.

health health-insurance insurance

↓

- I wanna go to the mall! - Keep your voice down.

mall voice

↓

- I wanna go to the mall! - Keep your voice down.

mall voice

↓

- I wanna go to the mall! - Stop yelling.

mall yelling

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- I wanna go to the... - Stop your yelling.

yelling

↓

We need to... Ow! He's biting my hand!

biting hand

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- He's biting my hand! - Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

biting hand

↓

(phone ringing) Sacred Right. It's a child, not a choice. Mmm-hmm.

child choice phone phone-ringing ringing sacred

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All righty. I'll make sure he gets the message. Thank you.

message righty

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- Hi. - Hi.

↓

So, I was having an argument with some friends the other day.

argument friends having

↓

And I was wondering if you could help me out with some information.

information wondering

↓

Are you interested in joining our cause?

interested joining

↓

No, I'm looking for some info on the Bible, Jesus, that kind of thing.

bible info jesus looking

↓

Well, if you join our mailing list, the Reverend...

join list mailing reverend

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Okay, listen to me. I don't really wanna join your little freak show.

freak join

↓

Just looking for some information.

information looking

↓

So if you could point me in the right direction, that'd be great.

direction point thatd

↓

- We have some literature... - Great. Thank you. Thanks.

literature thanks

↓

...on the display back by the water cooler.

cooler display water

↓

Oh, Mama.

mama

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- Hey, there. - Hi.

↓

Oh, are you here to sign up for the rally?

rally sign

↓

Yes, I am. Yeah, real excited about the rally.

excited rally real

↓

- We're gonna kick ass this time. - I'm ready to kick somebody's ass.

kick ready somebodys

↓

I'll tell you what. I hate those bastards.

bastards hate

↓

Wow! That's...

↓

- Uh, hate's a very strong word. - Yeah.

hates strong strong-word word

↓

Yeah, well, let me tell you something, Megan.

megan

↓

I hate dead baby fetuses, you know?

baby dead hate

↓

I hate them because they're dead, and they shouldn't be.

dead hate

↓

They should be alive, and they should be loved.

alive loved

↓

Oh! Wow! You just... You seem really passionate.

passionate

↓

Yeah. More than you know.

↓

- Nice kid, Charlie. - What the hell

charlie

↓

do you think is wrong with that kid?

↓

You've gotta get that blood test, dude.

blood blood-test test

↓

- Die! Die! Die! - No! Hey! Whoa, Tommy! No!

tommy whoa

↓

No! No! No! Give me the stick!

stick

↓

Come on! This place sucks! I wanna go to the mall!

mall place sucks

↓

We can't go to the mall, all right? Shut up! I'm the boss of you!

boss mall

↓

- You're not the boss of me! - I am the boss!

boss

↓

I wanna go to the mall!

mall

↓

- I'll show you who's the boss. - Let's go to the mall!

boss mall

↓

- You wanna go to the mall? - I wanna go to the mall!

mall

↓

You could ask nice. Dennis, let's go. We're goin' to the mall.

dennis goin mall

↓

I'm not spending anymore time with that kid.

anymore spending

↓

Come on, dude! Fine. Great. Dee, Dee.

↓

Will you just... Can we go to the mall? Will you drive me?

drive mall

↓

- If Dennis watches the bar. - That's fine.

dennis watches

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Great. Fine. Thank you. (screams)

screams

↓

- You're ugly. - You're ugly.

ugly

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- You're ugly! - You are the one that's ugly!

ugly

↓

Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30?

charlie christ jesus jesus-christ

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- Are you almost 30 years old? - Yes!

years

↓

- You have to buy me a toy! - I don't have to buy you shit.

↓

If you don't buy me anything I'm gonna tell my mom

↓

you took me to a black people's hospital.

black hospital peoples

↓

Wow! Oh my God, that's racist. What do you say to that?

racist

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- I don't say anything. - You still have to buy me a toy!

↓

(mocking)

mocking

↓

Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?

charlie kids

↓

Oh, I don't know. I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

kill

↓

Whoa! Isn't that your waitress from the coffee shop?

coffee coffee-shop shop waitress whoa

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- Oh, my God. - Go talk to her.

↓

- What? No. - Come on. Go talk to her.

↓

No, dude.

↓

You've been in love with this girl forever.

forever girl love

↓

I know that.

↓

You know what? Come with me and pretend that you're my girlfriend.

girlfriend pretend

↓

- No. I won't do that. No, it's not. - Come on. It's gonna work.

↓

- Come stand next to me then. - Why?

stand

↓

- So she doesn't think I'm creepy. - Well, you are creepy.

creepy

↓

I realize this. That's why I need you.

realize

↓

- All right. Let's go. - Thank you.

↓

Stop sweating.

sweating

↓

Then we can grab him if you like him, okay?

grab

↓

- Hey. Fancy seeing you here. - Oh. Hello, Charlie.

charlie fancy seeing

↓

- Buying toys, are you? - Yeah.

buying toys

↓

- Cool. This is my, uh... - Friend. We're good friends.

cool friend friends

↓

- Hi. - Hi.

↓

- Is that cute little girl your... - I'm her big sister.

cute girl sister

↓

Oh.

↓

Hmm, that's weird. She looks Mexican.

mexican weird

↓

She is Mexican. It's the Big Sister program.

mexican program sister

↓

She's not my real little sister.

real sister

↓

That is such a coincidence. That's what we're here doing.

coincidence

↓

- What? - Yeah. Do you see that, um...

↓

Adorable little guy over there? (gun clicks)

adorable clicks

↓

That's Charlie's little brother.

brother charlies

↓

Really? No way.

↓

- You're involved in the program? - Yeah.

involved program

↓

Well, that's... I didn't know you were involved in the program.

involved program

↓

- Oh, my God, I love the program! - It's one of his favorite programs.

favorite love program programs

↓

- I've been in the program since... - A long time now.

program

↓

I guess you're gonna be going to the picnic, then, at Fairmount Park?

park picnic

↓

- Right. - Saturday?

saturday

↓

Yeah. Are you there? Are you goin'? Are you gonna be there?

goin

↓

- I will be there on Saturday, yes. - Great.

saturday

↓

- Maybe we'll see you there. - Maybe. Or you know what? Or...

↓

- Maybe we could carpool. - Carpool?

carpool

↓

Yeah. Well, think about it. We'll save the environment.

environment save

↓

- We'll team up. It'll be good. - Smart. Reduce, reuse, recycle.

itll recycle reduce smart team

↓

The kids will love it. The kids... He loves Mexicans.

kids love loves mexicans

↓

All right.

↓

- Sure. Let's do it. CHARLIE: Oh!

charlie

↓

Okay. Yeah.

↓

- Great. Nice to meet you. - Great.

meet

↓

I'll see you. I gotta go get my little sister.

sister

↓

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

↓

- Thank you. - You're still pretty sweaty.

sweaty

↓

(all shouting) Baby killer! Baby killer!

baby baby-killer killer shouting

↓

You bastards are gonna burn in hell!

bastards burn

↓

Abortion is murder! It's a child, not a choice!

abortion child choice murder

↓

Pro-choice is pro-death!

choice death

↓

- Wow! Great rhetoric. - Thank you.

↓

You're really hard-core, aren't you?

core hard

↓

Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really wanna see hard-core...

core hard

↓

What's this?

↓

That's the list of doctor's I'm gonna kill.

doctors kill list

↓

- There's two already crossed out. - Yeah, I know.

crossed

↓

(grunting)

grunting

↓

- You really had a good time, huh? - Yeah. We had a blast.

blast

↓

- He didn't give you any problems? - No. Not a single problem.

problem problems single

↓

Listen, I was thinking maybe I could take him out this Saturday?

saturday thinking

↓

- Really? - Sure. I'd pick him up at 8:00?

pick

↓

You know, do the father-son thing.

father

↓

You all right? That's gonna be okay? Because I could really use him.

↓

- Goddamn it! - I'm sorry.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

I can't do this! Tommy's not your son.

tommys

↓

What?

↓

Remember Jimmy Doyle from high school?

doyle jimmy remember school

↓

That son of a bitch is Tommy's real father. He left me six months ago.

bitch father left months real tommys

↓

You know what a nightmare it's been since he left?

left nightmare

↓

- I can't raise Tommy alone. - I don't care! I don't care!

alone care raise tommy

↓

So you thought you'd just pawn your son off on me?

pawn

↓

What could I do? I wanted a better role model than that piece of shit.

model piece role role-model wanted

↓

(stammering) Stop talking! Wait. Let me think.

stammering

↓

(grunts) God!

grunts

↓

All right. So can I still take him out on Saturday?

saturday

↓

- Yeah. - Great.

↓

- That's pretty thin. MAC: Hey-oh!

thin

↓

- Hey. - Mac, where you been?

↓

I don't know. Saving humanity.

humanity saving

↓

- Are you still on this kick, dude? - Yeah, you know, Den, I was...

kick

↓

Thinking what you were saying the other day,

thinking

↓

about the t-shirts with the stupid slogans on them.

shirts stupid

↓

And I was wondering what you think about this?

wondering

↓

Huh, bitch? Yeah! Is that stupid enough for you?

bitch stupid

↓

You're not seriously wearing that, are you? You look ridiculous.

ridiculous wearing

↓

- Whatever, dude. - You know?

↓

That's the problem with you anti-abortionists.

anti problem

↓

You cry about the sanctity of life, and then you wear a shirt like that.

life shirt wear

↓

I'm not listening to you.

listening

↓

Aren't you right-wingers all about the death penalty too?

death penalty

↓

- Doesn't involve killing somebody? - Right, right, right.

involve killing somebody

↓

And you liberals are against killing murderers.

killing liberals murderers

↓

- But for killing innocent babies. - Yeah. We like to kill babies.

babies innocent kill killing

↓

You guys are taking this way too seriously.

↓

Den, you don't understand the week I've been having.

having week

↓

I met a girl at one of these organizations who is a freak.

freak girl

↓

She is the dirtiest chick I've met in my life.

chick life

↓

- Seriously? - Yeah.

↓

You gotta come with me to one of these rallies.

↓

They're having another on Saturday. These chicks are everywhere.

another chicks having having-another saturday

↓

- I can jump on board with that. - Yeah!

board jump

↓

Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions

throw

↓

for a chance to get laid?

chance laid

↓

I don't really have any convictions.

↓

- Where is this rally being held? - Uh...

held rally

↓

Planned Parenthood, Bryn Mawr Medical Center.

center medical planned

↓

I'm gonna go. At least one pro- -choice voice is gonna be heard.

choice heard least voice

↓

One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.

chicks tons

↓

- Which side had more? - Oh, which one do you think?

side

↓

The one that cares about protecting women's bodies

bodies cares protecting womens

↓

or the one that's run by the religious right?

religious

↓

Probably the side you're goin' to.

goin side

↓

I'm gonna fight for the right to choose.

choose fight

↓

You're a scumbag, Dennis.

dennis scumbag

↓

- Today's a big day for me, Tommy. - Why?

todays tommy

↓

Well, today is probably the best chance

best best-chance chance today

↓

I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl, so...

girl hooking

↓

Look at me for a second, pal. Okay, do me a favor.

favor second

↓

If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything that you want,

today

↓

anything in the world, all right?

world

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

I will smash your face into a... Into a jelly!

face jelly smash

↓

Wrong key.

↓

ALL (chanting): Keep abortion legal! Keep abortion legal!

abortion chanting legal

↓

ALL (chanting): Stop abortion now! Stop abortion now!

abortion chanting

↓

- This is crazy. - Yeah, weird.

crazy weird

↓

People actually care about women's bodies. You believe that?

believe bodies care womens

↓

Yeah. I think Mac picked the wrong side. There's, like, no dudes here.

dudes picked side

↓

Gross.

gross

↓

You know what? Uh, give me a second here.

second

↓

- Hi. - Hi.

↓

I like your look.

↓

- Excuse me? - I like the whole hippie thing.

excuse hippie whole

↓

It really works for you.

works

↓

Get lost, breeder.

lost

↓

Oh, okay. (chuckles)

chuckles

↓

Yeah. Mmm.

↓

I love the smell of protest in the morning.

love morning protest smell

↓

What?

↓

I was quoting that movie, you know, "Apocalypse Now".

apocalypse movie quoting

↓

- "Napalm in the morning." - Is that the new Mel Gibson movie?

morning movie

↓

- No. - You saw "Passion of the Christ"?

christ passion

↓

I saw it 12 times.

times

↓

Okay.

↓

You know, you really shouldn't joke about the apocalypse.

apocalypse joke

↓

So just fill these out. You'll get your information in the mail.

fill information mail

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

"Keep your laws..." I like your t-shirt.

laws shirt

↓

- Thanks. - Yeah. Where do I sign?

sign thanks

↓

- Right here. - Love t-shirts like that.

love shirts

↓

Right.

↓

So, do you come to these kind of things often, or...

often

↓

Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally?

abortion hitting rally

↓

Yeah, I... (scoffs)

scoffs

↓

You know what? I think all these chicks are gay.

chicks

↓

Yeah, I don't know that they're gay.

↓

I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

disgusting smell

↓

That sucks for me. (dialing)

dialing sucks

↓

(cell phone ringing)

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

- Yell-o. - Hey, Mac. It's Dennis.

dennis yell

↓

Look, man, there's no talent over here. What's the deal over there?

deal talent

↓

Oh, yeah. We're lookin' real good over here, bro.

lookin real

↓

- What do you think? - Hop the fence and come over.

fence

↓

- All right. See you in a second. - Later, gator.

gator second

↓

All right, Megan. I'm finished.

finished megan

↓

You are a genius.

genius

↓

Hey, sis. I'm gonna jet.

↓

- You're leaving? - Uh, this side sucks.

leaving side sucks

↓

I'm gonna try my luck over there.

luck

↓

- Are you kidding me? - Later, tater.

kidding tater

↓

Dennis? You are such a jackass!

dennis jackass

↓

(all shouting) Excuse me. Excuse me.

excuse shouting

↓

Can I get by here? Thanks.

thanks

↓

(shouting continues)

continues shouting shouting-continues

↓

I just... I really love that sign. I've wondered that so many times.

love sign times wondered

↓

Hey, there's a guy on the fence.

fence

↓

Hey! Hey! They're coming after us!

coming

↓

- No. They're not coming after us. - I'll show you what we do to them.

coming

↓

-How's your aim? - Pretty good.

↓

- I don't think that's a good idea. - Hey, it's okay.

idea

↓

These people deserve this.

deserve

↓

(shouting continues)

continues shouting shouting-continues

↓

Yeah. He looks like he deserves it. Maybe just one.

deserves

↓

Oh! Ow!

↓

Yeah! Come on! Get your eggs, people!

eggs

↓

Oh, my God! Shit! They're throwing eggs!

eggs throwing

↓

They did this last time. I came prepared. (chuckles)

chuckles prepared

↓

Oh. Hey, Dennis! How's the action over there, buddy?

action buddy dennis

↓

What the hell are you doing?

↓

Oh! They're coming... Okay, now they're coming back.

coming

↓

- Die! - Hey!

↓

Hot chicks on that side, Dennis? (groaning)

chicks dennis groaning side

↓

You're gonna burn in hell!

burn

↓

(shouting)

shouting

↓

Stop! Stop! Stop!

↓

Hey, guess what. I have a surprise for you.

surprise

↓

- What? - It's a real miracle.

miracle real

↓

- What is it? - I'm pregnant!

pregnant

↓

What?

↓

I'm pregnant!

pregnant

↓

You gotta get an abortion.

abortion

↓

- Megan, wait, wait, wait! - Stop talking to me!

megan

↓

Well, listen, I just think our situation is different.

situation

↓

How is our situation different?

situation

↓

Well, because I didn't mean to get you pregnant.

pregnant

↓

- It was an accident. - You are so pathetic.

accident pathetic

↓

Listen, you can't have this kid, okay?

↓

- I'm way too young and I have... - Save it! I'm not pregnant!

pregnant save young

↓

- What? - I'm not pregnant. It was a test.

pregnant test

↓

I just thought for, like, one second that you might be the one.

might second

↓

I just had to know for sure.

↓

Wait a second! So you're not pregnant?

pregnant second

↓

- No. - And this was a test?

test

↓

- Yeah. - And I failed?

failed

↓

- Have a nice life, asshole. - No! Wait, wait a second! Oh.

asshole life second

↓

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

Where the hell have you been? You said 11:30, dude!

↓

- I don't wanna talk about it. - That waitress is picking me up.

picking waitress

↓

I was ready to shut down the whole bar!

ready whole

↓

What the hell is that kid doin' here?

doin

↓

CHARLIE: I'm taking him to the Big Brother Big Sister thing.

brother charlie sister

↓

- Get him out of here, Charlie. - I'm getting picked up any minute!

charlie minute picked

↓

- Will you relax? - I told you.

relax

↓

- I don't want kids in the bar! - Dude, what is up your ass?

kids

↓

You, you are out! Whoa, dude! This kid reeks of booze!

booze reeks whoa

↓

No, no, no, no, no. Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.

drunk

↓

- Yeah - How could you let this happen?

happen

↓

I was the only one bartending! He took sips out of people's beers.

bartending beers peoples

↓

- All right. Brew some coffee. - You can't give him coffee!

brew coffee

↓

- Let go of that! - Get him out of here, Charlie!

charlie

↓

Charlie!

charlie

↓

Okay, here we go!

↓

Fresh air! Have a seat! Sit down!

fresh seat

↓

- You suck! - You suck, all right?

suck

↓

- Breathe it in. Fresh air now. - You suck!

breathe fresh suck

↓

- And you have an ugly face! - You suck! You have an ugly face.

face suck ugly

↓

You try and push people's buttons all the time!

buttons peoples push

↓

And you get in their head, and you drive them crazy!

crazy drive head

↓

Maybe that's why you don't have a dad anymore!

anymore

↓

WAITRESS: Oh, my God!

waitress

↓

- What are you doing? - I'm drunk.

drunk

↓

- He's drunk? - He's not drunk.

drunk

↓

- I am drunk! - You're not drunk.

drunk

↓

- He sounds drunk. - I am drunk!

drunk sounds

↓

You're not drunk! Stop saying that!

drunk

↓

He's fine.

↓

Jimmy Doyle!

doyle jimmy

↓

- Yeah? - Charlie Kelly.

charlie charlie-kelly kelly

↓

- Yeah? - From high school.

school

↓

Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you without all your acne.

acne recognize

↓

(chuckles) All right, listen, I need to talk to you about your kid.

chuckles

↓

- Why? - Uh, let's see.

↓

Because your kid has serious emotional problems.

emotional problems serious

↓

- Why? - You're not there as a father.

father

↓

Why?

↓

You're kidding me? This your little game?

game kidding

↓

This is what you're doin'? This is what you're doin' to me?

doin

↓

Why?