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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E04 — Sweet Dee Gets Audited

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 4 — Sweet Dee Gets Audited

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Sweet Dee Gets Audited

Air date: October 06, 2011

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Dee faces an IRS audit over her claim that the baby she carried as a surrogate is her dependent, while the guys decide to run the bar in an unemotional, democratic manner rather than their typical method of shouting and personal attacks.

Source: TMDB

↓

Hey, guys, why are the urinals filled with rocks?

filled rocks

↓

Oh, 'cause I put a bunch of rocks in them.

bunch rocks

↓

Oh. Okay, why?

↓

Well, you know how they were broken, so I was, like, filling them with ice?

broken filling

↓

Now the ice machine's broken, so I'm just filling 'em up with rocks.

broken filling machines machines-broken rocks

↓

You know that doesn't make any sense, right?

sense

↓

Replacing the ice with rocks?

replacing rocks

↓

The ice actually served a purpose, Cha...

purpose served

↓

Oh! Oh, God!

↓

Oh, something just dripped in my mouth!

mouth

↓

Yeah. Ceiling is leaking.

ceiling leaking

↓

Oh, that's gross. What'd it taste like?

gross taste whatd

↓

Dude, what the hell?

↓

You have been docking our paychecks lately

lately paychecks

↓

so that you could pay for shit like this around the bar.

↓

- Why is nothing fixed? - Yeah, by the way,

fixed

↓

I never agreed to let you dock my paycheck.

agreed dock paycheck

↓

It costs money to run this place

costs money place

↓

and keep it neat.

neat

↓

Hey, oh!

↓

What's up, bitches?

bitches

↓

What the shit is this?

↓

New scooter. My surrogate money came in.

money scooter surrogate

↓

Thirty Gs, babies.

babies thirty

↓

Whoa! Hey, Mac makes a really good point.

makes point whoa

↓

Yeah, we worked our asses off on that baby scheme of yours.

asses baby scheme worked

↓

Give us part of the money that you made.

money part

↓

You did nothing for nine months.

months nine nine-months

↓

Get out! You couldn't have pulled something like that off without us.

pulled

↓

Yeah, they drove you to the hospital, they picked you up

drove hospital picked

↓

I was there, I recall.

recall

↓

Okay, I made all the contacts. I pushed that little monkey out,

contacts monkey pushed

↓

and getting tax breaks for the next 18 years.

breaks years

↓

So you talk about a scheme? How's that for a long-term scheme, bitches?

bitches scheme term

↓

Uh, you guys all better eat a dick,

dick

↓

'cause Sweet Dee beat the system.

beat sweet system

↓

Ooh! No, no, no. Lady, sorry.

lady

↓

Get out.

↓

Whatever god you're selling, I ain't buying it.

aint buying selling

↓

Oh. Miss Reynolds, I'm with the IRS.

miss miss-reynolds reynolds

↓

Have you not received any of our letters?

letters received

↓

Letters? What is it, 1986?

letters

↓

I don't do letters, lady. I'm all digital.

digital lady letters

↓

Well, if you had opened up the letters,

letters opened

↓

you would understand that you're being audited.

audited

↓

Audited? Why? What are you talking about?

audited

↓

I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.

government

↓

Your license plate says, "Scammin'."

license license-plate plate

↓

Uh, no.

↓

What do you mean, no?

↓

Yes.

↓

Okay. I want to talk to you about this dependent that you're claiming

claiming dependent

↓

this, uh, Barnabas Reynolds.

reynolds

↓

Yes, I would love that.

love

↓

I would love that because...

love

↓

...I love to talk about little Barney. I do.

barney love

↓

But now's not a great time. You know what I mean?

nows

↓

Because I, I left him in the car

left

↓

with the window down, of course.

course window

↓

It's hot. It's hot, isn't it?

↓

Well, is there a better time?

↓

Would 3:00 work?

↓

3:00 sounds great.

sounds

↓

I can't wait for 3:00.

↓

Hey, Frank.

frank

↓

- We need to talk. - We don't want you making

↓

any major bar decisions alone anymore,

alone anymore decisions major

↓

because you're sleazy and we don't trust you.

sleazy trust

↓

Yeah, we want to vote on things now, okay? We want a democracy.

democracy vote

↓

Well, that ain't gonna work.

aint

↓

Because you guys get really emotional about everything.

emotional

↓

You'll start arguing about shit, and nothing will get done.

arguing start

↓

We know we're emotional people, and we've discussed that.

discussed emotional

↓

We think we have a solution.

solution

↓

We're going to have a daily meeting

daily meeting

↓

where we will discuss all bar matters.

discuss matters

↓

Emotion will be suppressed, and reason will prevail.

emotion prevail reason

↓

Reason will prevail!

prevail reason

↓

Oh, yeah, we decided also that we would say "Reason will prevail,"

decided prevail reason

↓

- every time someone says... - Reason will prevail!

prevail reason

↓

You don't have to say it right now

↓

because I'm just explaining to Frank that reason will prevail.

explaining frank prevail reason

↓

Reason will prevail!

prevail reason

↓

Again, you don't have to say it right now. I'm just explaining...

explaining

↓

If we're going to say it, we're gonna say it every time.

↓

Hold it, hold it.

↓

Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what. I like this.

↓

- You do? - Yeah.

↓

We should definitely do this,

↓

to make everything fair, everything aboveboard.

fair

↓

Let's go do it in there. Come on.

↓

The first meeting of Paddy's congress

congress meeting paddys

↓

shall commence henceforth.

commence henceforth

↓

- Oh, first order of business. - Yeah?

business order

↓

Let's talk about how Frank handles the money.

frank handles money

↓

- Yes. - Money, money, money, money, money, money.

money money-money

↓

Oh, whoa, whoa. I know we gotta talk about the money,

money whoa whoa-whoa

↓

but there are other issues that are pressing too.

issues pressing

↓

- Like what, dude? - Like one

↓

that comes to mind is the dead dog.

comes dead mind

↓

What dead dog?

dead

↓

The dead dog in the alley. It's been there for about a week.

alley dead week

↓

Yeah, and we decided that Charlie was gonna throw it in the trash.

charlie decided throw trash

↓

No, you decided that. We never got a vote.

decided vote

↓

If Mac and I got to vote on that,

vote

↓

we would have voted to, like, you know, have a proper dog burial.

burial proper voted

↓

That's a waste of time and resources.

resources waste

↓

I think the guys should have an opportunity to state their case

case opportunity state

↓

in a rational and unemotional way.

rational unemotional

↓

- Yeah, all right. No problem. - Okay.

problem

↓

Uh, okay.

↓

Sometimes dogs die.

dogs sometimes

↓

Right! Um...

↓

die from cars sometimes, sometimes not.

cars sometimes

↓

There's also disease.

disease

↓

There's also disease in America

america disease

↓

and abroad.

abroad

↓

Many dogs...

dogs

↓

God damn it!

↓

I don't know how to express myself,

express

↓

unless through anger and personal attack!

anger attack personal

↓

I'm getting upset because I'm not saying it right!

upset

↓

Okay. All right, guys.

↓

- I want a dog funeral! - Guys, calm down.

calm funeral

↓

I'm going to step in here,

step

↓

and I'm gonna speak for you for a moment, if I may.

moment speak

↓

I don't think it's a good idea for us to spend all of our hard-earned cash

cash earned hard idea spend

↓

of what amounts to an animal carcass,

amounts animal carcass

↓

an animal that we never knew...

animal

↓

or had a relationship with.

relationship

↓

I'm gonna go ahead and say that I think we should just throw it in a dumpster.

ahead dumpster go-ahead throw

↓

- Come on! No. - But, but, but,

↓

we'll have a candle on site. We'll light it.

candle light site

↓

We'll have a boom box there, and you guys can say a few words.

boom words

↓

Huh.

↓

- I don't love it. - Me neither.

love

↓

But that dog is turning into hot soup out there in the sun.

soup turning

↓

Okay.

↓

- Frank? - Fine.

frank

↓

- Okay! - Hey! It works.

works

↓

See, Frank? We can get through these issues and be unemotional about it.

frank issues unemotional

↓

That's one issue off the docket right there. Next issue,

docket issue

↓

- let's talk about the money. - Money!

money money-money

↓

Oh, yes, we're gonna talk about the money,

money

↓

but we have a list of things on the docket here that we gotta check off,

check docket list

↓

and if we're gonna do it right, we're gonna do it right.

↓

And the next thing on the list is limes and how we slice them.

limes list slice

↓

Thick or thin?

thick thin

↓

- Okay. Let's talk about the limes, guys. - We'll keep emotion out of it.

emotion limes

↓

- Reason will prevail. - Reason will prevail.

prevail reason

↓

Okay. I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

limes thinner

↓

What the hell? Thin limes?

limes thin

↓

People will choke! People will die!

choke

↓

- Calm down. - Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it.

calm charlie charlie-charlie emotion

↓

Charlie's got a point!

charlies point

↓

One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes.

limes paddys thick

↓

Yeah! Don't tell me...

↓

I'm gonna put my thumb through your eye, you little bitch!

bitch thumb

↓

No, no, no. Shh. Stay calm, stay,

calm

↓

hey, hey, hey, look at me. Look at me, eh?

↓

Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional.

calm unemotional

↓

- Okay. - Let's, let's be democratic.

democratic

↓

- Let's put this thing to a vote. - A vote?

vote

↓

A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

democracy solves vote

↓

- Yes. - So,

↓

all for thinner limes, raise your hands.

hands limes raise thinner

↓

And all for thicker limes, raise your hands.

hands limes raise thicker

↓

Now there you go. That's a democracy in action.

action democracy

↓

That's two votes against two votes.

votes

↓

A perfect example of when democracy has failed.

democracy example failed perfect

↓

Good news, Dee!

news

↓

We have decided to occasionally let you vote

decided occasionally vote

↓

on some pressing matters in the bar, as we see fit.

matters pressing

↓

- What? - Where do you land

land

↓

on thick limes or thin limes?

limes thick thin

↓

And try and keep your emotions out of it,

emotions

↓

even though people could choke and die.

choke

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

What's, what's going on in here?

↓

- Are you having another baby? - No! No.

another another-baby baby having having-another

↓

It's fine, okay? I have it all under control.

control

↓

I'm just... I'm getting audited.

audited

↓

Audited? Oh, she's screwed.

audited screwed

↓

- That's a tax thing? - I'm not screwed.

screwed

↓

I've got it all under control. I've got a handle on it.

control handle

↓

I just gotta find a baby by 3:00 in the afternoon.

afternoon baby

↓

- Just get out. Just get out now. - Hmm!

↓

A vote for thin limes would get me out of your apartment.

apartment limes thin vote

↓

Better yet, a vote for thick limes

limes thick vote

↓

I'll throw myself full force into this little baby caper of yours.

baby force full throw

↓

- I don't need your help. - Look, Dee,

↓

you need our help.

↓

We need your help. Let's work something out here.

↓

I don't know which stance you're gonna do,

stance

↓

- and I wanna do it. - Stop standing like me.

standing

↓

Okay, yeah. Let's help each other out, okay? I got an idea.

idea

↓

You guys go magically find me a baby by 3:00 in the afternoon,

afternoon baby magically

↓

and then I'll, I'll help you out with your lime problem.

lime problem

↓

- Okay. - Yeah.

↓

What?

↓

- We can get you a baby. - Yeah, you want a baby,

baby

↓

we'll get you a baby. No magic required.

baby magic required

↓

How many babies you need?

babies

↓

- Just the one baby. - How long? Couple hours?

baby couple couple-hours hours

↓

- 3:00 this afternoon. - No, no. How long you need it for?

afternoon

↓

You want it for life or you...

life

↓

- No, no. Just a short-time baby. - Just a short-time baby.

baby short

↓

Just a short-time baby.

baby short

↓

- Easy. - Oh, my God, you guys,

easy

↓

this is so exciting.

exciting

↓

Oh, this is amazing. You have no idea how much you're helping me.

amazing helping idea

↓

Okay, let's see. Um,

↓

all right, I tell you what.

↓

Here's how to handle your lime situation.

handle lime situation

↓

It has been decided.

decided

↓

We are now the pickle party

party pickle pickle-party

↓

And Dee has joined us.

joined

↓

We are going to vote for pickles in the bar instead of limes.

limes pickles vote

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

It doesn't matter. The point is,

matter point

↓

our three votes will always beat your two.

beat three votes

↓

We win, dude. We're the winners, okay? Give me a beer with a pickle in it.

beer pickle winners

↓

Well, what happens when you three disagree with each other?

disagree happens three

↓

We're not going to disagree. That is the point of the pickle party.

disagree party pickle pickle-party point

↓

We're very aligned on these issues.

issues

↓

Charlie, you can't just start your own party.

charlie party start

↓

- You got to talk to people... - Yes, you can.

↓

If you're not as educated or as informed,

informed

↓

what you do is you start your own party and you yell the loudest.

party start yell

↓

Okay. We want attention!

attention

↓

Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, sure.

↓

No, you're the pickle party. Great.

party pickle pickle-party

↓

Okay, so let's just accept that and move on.

accept

↓

Yes, Frank, move on.

frank

↓

Reason will prevail.

prevail reason

↓

Pickles will prevail!

pickles prevail

↓

Okay, well, the next issue on our list

issue list

↓

should be a pretty easy one for the pickle party to agree on.

agree easy party pickle pickle-party

↓

"A crucifix in the bar."

crucifix

↓

Ah! You are right. This is an easy one.

easy

↓

Why wouldn't we have a crucifix in the bar?

crucifix

↓

'Cause we're a bar.

↓

Right, but we're an Irish Catholic bar.

catholic irish

↓

We're an Irish bar.

irish

↓

Yeah, Irish Catholic bar, and therefore a

catholic irish therefore

↓

giant wooden crucifix

crucifix giant wooden

↓

- is a celebration of our heritage. - Giant?

celebration giant heritage

↓

- Yeah. - How big of a crucifix do you want?

crucifix

↓

Big.

↓

It should be the centerpiece of the whole room.

room whole

↓

I mean, it should dominate every conversation.

conversation dominate

↓

That's gonna be terrifying.

terrifying

↓

It should be terrifying.

terrifying

↓

That's how you know God loves you, Charlie.

charlie loves

↓

I don't want a giant, bloody man

bloody giant

↓

in the bar scaring the customers, and most importantly, me!

customers importantly scaring

↓

- You see that, Frank? - I saw it.

frank

↓

I just played them like a fiddle.

fiddle played

↓

A goddamn fiddle.

fiddle goddamn

↓

What do you want?

↓

I want in on the action.

action

↓

Whatever it is that you got going on around here, I want a piece of it.

piece

↓

Okay? You see, Frank,

frank

↓

you might not know this, but you need me.

might

↓

People don't trust you, Frank.

frank trust

↓

You're a piece of shit.

piece

↓

And you're ugly and you ooze sleaze and you're very, very ugly.

ooze ugly

↓

All right, I'm gonna make you my puppet.

puppet

↓

- Right here. - Puppet.

puppet

↓

Look, I've been cooking the books in the bar for years.

books cooking years

↓

- I freaking knew it. - All kinds of avenues

freaking kinds

↓

and shell corporations.

corporations shell

↓

It's all fake, and it's all in here.

fake

↓

- Oh. Let me see. - Check it out. Right there.

check

↓

Oh, man. Holy shit.

holy

↓

What? What is this one? "Wolf Cola"?

cola wolf wolf-cola

↓

- Wolf Cola. - Mmm-hmm.

cola wolf wolf-cola

↓

That's a bogus soda distributor. I made it up.

bogus soda

↓

Yeah, it's fake!

fake

↓

Look. The whole idea is, the more corporations

corporations idea whole

↓

that you can plant offshore...

offshore plant

↓

- Right. - The more money you can rake in.

money

↓

Da, da, da! I don't care about any of these details,

care details

↓

but I like these figures I'm seeing. All right.

figures seeing

↓

I'll be the puppet and do my dance,

dance puppet

↓

and you can keep the goddamn details to yourself.

details goddamn

↓

Uh!

↓

I don't think I hear any arguing out there.

arguing

↓

So we can have the crucifix,

crucifix

↓

but it needs to be in the back of the bar.

needs

↓

See, I can live with that.

live

↓

That's a compromise right there, man.

compromise

↓

All right!

↓

Pickle party compromise!

compromise party pickle pickle-party

↓

Huh, huh, huh! Tasteful crucifix party.

crucifix party tasteful

↓

Hey, hey, hey! All right!

↓

Sounds like you guys came to a compromise.

compromise sounds

↓

That's great. We cross the crucifix issue off the list.

cross crucifix issue list

↓

One quick question before I do though.

question quick quick-question

↓

How bloody is this guy gonna be?

bloody

↓

- Not bloody at all. - Very bloody.

bloody

↓

- What? - No. He's gotta be drenched in blood.

blood

↓

I mean, covered in blood.

blood covered

↓

Why?

↓

Well, that's the whole point.

point whole whole-point

↓

- You need to see the wounds of Christ. - Oh, my God, dude.

christ wounds

↓

It's bad enough I'm gonna let you put

↓

the stupid cross up in the first place.

cross place stupid

↓

Stupid cross? You son of a bitch, I knew it! I knew it!

bitch cross stupid

↓

- It's a massacre! - I don't want to look at a massacre!

massacre

↓

So, according to our records,

according records

↓

you are claiming a dependent for which you have no official documentation.

claiming dependent official

↓

Yes?

↓

Mmm.

↓

Are you okay? You're sweating profusely.

sweating

↓

Oh, no. Yes. Yes.

↓

I, um I'm just very worried.

worried

↓

You know, the babysitters

babysitters

↓

were supposed to bring the baby back by 3:00, and...

baby bring supposed

↓

Where are you? Where are you guys?

↓

I understand.

↓

Crying baby! Crying baby here!

baby crying

↓

There's my sweet baby. Excuse me, won't you?

baby excuse sweet sweet-baby

↓

Come on. Let's go.

↓

You guys! You've got a baby. Where did you find a baby?

baby

↓

Oh, you guys, I love you so much. Where did you...

love

↓

Okay, Dee, which crucifix do you find more tasteful?

crucifix tasteful

↓

Are out of your goddamn minds? What is this? Where's the baby?

baby goddamn minds

↓

Do you wanna add kidnapping

kidnapping

↓

on top of all the other shit you got going on right now?

↓

We had a plan. We had a plan.

plan

↓

She's totally buying it, okay? Come on. Make a decision.

buying decision

↓

Yeah, but for how long? She could be out there for hours,

hours

↓

and I have to produce a real baby!

baby produce real

↓

Stop thinking about your problems,

problems thinking

↓

and start thinking about our problems.

problems start start-thinking thinking

↓

You know, calm, calm down. Calm down.

calm

↓

- You are so emotional right now. - And so wet too.

emotional

↓

Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill you.

kill

↓

Okay, just shut up for a second. Let me think.

second

↓

All right, yes. Go to the bar.

↓

That'll get me out of here and buy me some time

thatll

↓

to get this bitch off my balls.

balls bitch

↓

Bye!

↓

Very, very sick baby. Very sick baby!

baby sick

↓

It's so sad when they don't feel well, isn't it?

↓

Lock up, won't you, on your way out?

lock

↓

And let's definitely reschedule.

reschedule

↓

Let's do. Shh!

↓

Hey, yeah, so I was thinking about my title.

thinking title

↓

Because I think it should be vice president of worldwide distribution.

distribution president vice vice-president worldwide

↓

But you don't need a title. What I need you to do

title

↓

for the next three weeks is to deflect Mac and Charlie.

charlie three three-weeks weeks

↓

That's easy. I can do that, Frank. That's what I'm good at.

easy frank

↓

- Good, good, good. - But I am gonna need a business card,

business card

↓

'cause I want to be able to hand that shit to people,

able hand

↓

so they know that I am in a place of power.

place power

↓

It's not important.

↓

It's important to me, Frank!

frank

↓

And I know that what's important to you is money and power,

money power

↓

but I don't want real power, because with real power comes real responsibility,

comes power real real-power responsibility

↓

and I don't want any of that shit.

↓

I just want the money and the illusion of power.

illusion money power

↓

And puss.

puss

↓

- What? - Hell, I don't know, Frank.

frank

↓

- Yeah? - I don't know, man.

↓

What? Tell me. Tell me.

↓

I need something.

↓

I mean, I got this, uh...

↓

this giant gaping hole inside me.

gaping giant hole

↓

- Oh. - And I'm...

↓

I'm always trying to fill it. With something.

fill

↓

I like to call it my, uh, my God hole.

hole

↓

- Oh. - And I think a lot of people

↓

in this world, they, they fill it with religion.

fill religion world

↓

But I don't believe in God.

believe

↓

But you want to fill it with pussy.

fill pussy

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Yo! - Hey, Dennis and Frank, you here?

dennis frank

↓

Yeah, oh, oh! Good.

↓

Guys, we gotta help Dee with her tax audit situation.

audit situation

↓

So, Dennis, please, if you could take the floor.

dennis floor

↓

Wait, wait. What tax audit situation?

audit situation

↓

Oh, right. Okay, so Dee's baby scheme blew up in her face,

baby blew dees face scheme

↓

and now she's getting audited.

audited

↓

Deandra, did you tell the IRS you work here?

deandra

↓

Of course I did.

course

↓

We can't have the IRS looking around our books.

books looking

↓

Why? What's wrong with our books?

books

↓

Let me step in here. Um, I think what you're trying to say

step

↓

is that the IRS poking around our bar business is no good for anyone.

business poking

↓

Look, it's gonna be best for all of us...

best

↓

to get the IRS off of Dee's back.

dees

↓

- Okay. - So,

↓

as the only rational and emotionless person here,

emotionless person rational

↓

I'm gonna tell you guys what we need to do.

↓

See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive.

alive baby convince dees

↓

What you really need to be doing

↓

is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby

baby convincing dees

↓

is dead.

dead

↓

This is dark.

dark

↓

- Darkest thing we've ever done. - Mmm-hmm.

darkest

↓

Uh, hello.

↓

- I'm looking for Dee Reynolds. - Yes.

looking reynolds

↓

Won't you have a seat please?

seat

↓

What's going on?

↓

- Baby croaked. - Oh, uh, yes.

baby

↓

Oh, oh, my God.

↓

- This is insane, right? - Mmm-hmm.

insane

↓

I mean, this definitely feels

feels

↓

- like emotion trumping reason, correct? - Yep.

correct emotion reason

↓

Also, dude, I'm sorry,

↓

but is this the size you had in mind?

mind size

↓

Yes.

↓

- It's too big. - It's not too big.

↓

You should just be happy I didn't spray it down yet.

happy spray

↓

No. You're not getting any more blood. That's it.

blood

↓

"He was my sweet angel."

angel sweet

↓

All right, Dee, here we go. It's showtime. Are you ready?

ready showtime

↓

- Okay. I have a couple of questions. - Yup.

couple questions

↓

I'm getting nervous, Dennis, 'cause I don't think

dennis nervous

↓

I can do the speech that you wrote.

speech wrote

↓

Let me hear some of it.

↓

And this is the thing. I can't--I can't cry on command.

command

↓

Jesus Christ, Dee.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

I mean, how are you planning on becoming an actress at all?

actress becoming planning

↓

You can't make people laugh, 'cause you're not funny.

funny laugh

↓

You can't cry on command. What can you do?

command

↓

- I can try harder, but it's just that... - All right, well,

harder

↓

the good news is I anticipated this so I brought...

anticipated brought news

↓

- What's that? - Little bit of chili powder.

chili powder

↓

I'm gonna blow this directly into your eyes, and trust me, you'll cry.

blow directly eyes trust

↓

Okay. Wait. Is that safe though? Is this...

safe

↓

Well, it's you know, it's safe enough. Let's give it a try, huh?

safe

↓

- Okay. What no, no, no, no, no! - Shh, shh, shh.

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Shh, shh, shh.

↓

Okay, listen, listen. Save it, save it!

save

↓

We're starting. Ready? We're starting, Dee. Break a leg.

break ready starting

↓

Son of a...

↓

It's really heavy. What did Frank put in there?

frank heavy

↓

The urinal rocks.

rocks urinal

↓

- Oh. Coming in handy, huh? - Yeah.

coming handy

↓

Oh, this is a very sad day for the...

↓

- entire Paddy's Pub family. - Mmm-hmm.

entire family paddys

↓

At times like this, I...

times

↓

I like to quench my thirst with a delicious Wolf Cola.

cola delicious thirst wolf wolf-cola

↓

Ah! There's nothing like that...

↓

to wash away the sorrow.

sorrow wash

↓

Hear, hear.

↓

That's my bit. Now,

↓

it's time for the grieving mother.

grieving mother

↓

Uh, oh.

↓

Hello, everyone.

↓

Ah, God.

↓

Thank you so much for coming.

coming

↓

It's such a sad day, isn't it?

↓

Oh, little Barney!

barney

↓

You were my special angel.

angel special

↓

And only angels can fly. Good God. Sorry.

angels

↓

Sob. Sob, you bitch.

bitch

↓

Oh, it hurts!

hurts

↓

God, it hurts! The pain inside!

hurts pain

↓

God, it hurts so bad.

hurts

↓

Okay, that's enough.

↓

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry. - Okay, Dee.

↓

I'm sorry, I just...

↓

- Are my eyes bleeding? - Ahhh!

ahhh bleeding eyes

↓

- Oh, my God, is there blood? - Okay.

blood

↓

Is there blood? You son of a bitch!

bitch blood

↓

Wow! Heavy stuff, guys.

heavy stuff

↓

Heavy stuff. Heavy subject matter.

heavy matter stuff subject

↓

Anyway, uh, Barney,

barney

↓

you died too young

died young

↓

before you could walk,

walk

↓

before you could talk,

↓

and before you had the chance to get together the proper paperwork,

chance paperwork proper

↓

all that paperwork that you need to prove--

paperwork prove

↓

oh, thank you so much.

↓

Wolf Cola, everyone.

cola wolf wolf-cola

↓

It's the right cola for closure.

closure cola

↓

Let's talk about closure, 'cause that...

closure

↓

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.

second

↓

- Dude, something stinks. - I know, I know.

stinks

↓

Have you noticed that all we wanted to do was talk about our money...

money noticed wanted

↓

- Right. - ...and then we kept getting pushed

pushed

↓

into talking about other things?

↓

And then when we'd leave, Frank and Dennis became all buddy buddy?

became buddy dennis frank

↓

Yeah, there were a lot of backroom dealings going on in here, you know?

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

"Dennis Reynolds, Executive Vice President

dennis dennis-reynolds executive president reynolds vice vice-president

↓

of Worldwide Distribution, Wolf Cola."

cola distribution wolf wolf-cola worldwide

↓

What the hell, dude?

↓

Now I'm getting pissed off,

pissed

↓

you know, 'cause I think those two are conspiring against us.

conspiring

↓

Let's go out there and expose these sons of bitches for who they are.

bitches expose sons

↓

And the most important thing to remember is that this whole thing is over.

remember whole

↓

- Right? - Dead.

dead

↓

Every single person in this room has to move on.

person room single single-person

↓

That's excellent. Excellent, Dennis! Thank you. Thank you.

dennis excellent

↓

Now we would like to pay our respects to the dead baby.

baby dead respects

↓

And in the Christian tradition,

christian tradition

↓

we're gonna open up the casket to take one last look at his tiny corpse.

casket corpse open tiny

↓

- You don't want to do that. - Don't...

↓

What is happening?

↓

This is what you get when you mess with the pickle party.

mess party pickle pickle-party

↓

Pickle party.

party pickle pickle-party

↓

Prepare for your hearts to turn to stones!

hearts prepare stones

↓

No, no!

↓

Ugh!

↓

What the hell is that?

↓

It's the dead dog from the alleyway.

alleyway dead

↓

I was compromising.

↓

I figured we'd give it a proper burial.

burial figured proper

↓

Okay. Well, I'm done here.

↓

Well, I'll tell you what.

↓

Dee's definitely going down in this audit.

audit dees

↓

I think we're all going down, Charlie.

charlie

↓

Okay, you know what? Here...

↓

Let's vote on something once and for all.

vote

↓

Everybody in favor of Frank not making all of the decisions

decisions everybody favor frank

↓

in the bar anymore, raise your hands.

anymore hands raise

↓

Great, that's settled. Even he's on board. Okay.

board settled

↓

And finally, all in favor

favor finally

↓

of going back to the old system of organized chaos,

chaos organized system

↓

where emotion trumps reason every single time

emotion reason single trumps

↓

and we just yell at each other

yell

↓

to get the shit that we want, raise your hands.

hands raise

↓

Fantastic!

fantastic

↓

I've got a few things I'd like to yell about now, so we can all start.

start yell

↓

- You opened the casket! - My eyes!

casket eyes opened

↓

My eyes!

eyes

↓

I'll take care of you.

care

↓

Why are your eyes bleeding?

bleeding eyes

↓

Why the hell did you open the casket?

casket open