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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E03 — Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 3 — Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

Air date: September 29, 2011

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Frank finds himself in the child beauty-pageant business and fears that people might think that he's in it for the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, Dee wages war on stage moms, and Mac, Dennis and Charlie think they have found a contestant to back.

Source: TMDB

↓

No. We never had kings in this country.

country kings

↓

No.

↓

That was the whole point of this country

country point whole whole-point

↓

- is that we didn't want a king. - We didn't want the king.

king

↓

Shit! Son of a bitch! Guys, guys, guys!

bitch

↓

Oh!

↓

- Oh! - Are you okay?

↓

- Oh! - Oh!

↓

Oh!

↓

I think you broke your nose.

broke nose

↓

I'm screwed. I'm screwed.

screwed

↓

Ah!

↓

Oh, strange man, titty bar.

strange titty

↓

A great investment opportunity.

investment opportunity

↓

Beauty pageant.

beauty pageant

↓

- Are you getting it? - Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.

↓

You met a strange man at a titty bar

strange titty

↓

who offered you a great opportunity to invest in a beauty pageant?

beauty invest offered opportunity pageant

↓

Everything looked very legit.

legit looked

↓

Okay, fine. I've always wanted to do a beauty pageant.

beauty pageant wanted

↓

Stop. Why?

↓

Because you make a lot of cash,

cash

↓

and you ogle some broads.

broads

↓

Yeah. I don't question that aspect of it.

aspect question

↓

Yeah, that seems right up your alley, bro.

alley seems

↓

Oh, this jerk gets pinched

jerk pinched

↓

and now it looks like a whole scam.

scam whole

↓

And if I don't legitimize this thing,

↓

everybody's gonna think I'm just like him.

everybodys

↓

Why don't you just drop the whole thing?

drop whole

↓

I mean, it's really a mess.

mess

↓

Any second now,

second

↓

there's gonna be broads walking through that door

broads door walking

↓

- in swimsuits. - Awesome.

awesome

↓

That's a good thing.

↓

I don't see what the problem is here, Frank.

frank problem

↓

Oh, oh, oh!

↓

Looks like somebody forgot their swimsuit.

forgot somebody swimsuit

↓

Come on, girls.

girls

↓

That's the problem.

problem

↓

A kids' pageant?

kids pageant

↓

- I didn't know. - Are you kidding me?

kidding

↓

I didn't know it was a kids' pageant.

kids pageant

↓

The guy didn't make that clear.

clear

↓

Now I'm lumped in with a diddler. What am I gonna do?

diddler

↓

This is a mess.

mess

↓

Well, I don't know what the big deal is.

deal

↓

You know, I did pageants all the time

pageants

↓

when I was little.

↓

The big deal? The big deal is that

deal

↓

mothers force their kids into this

force kids mothers

↓

so that they can dress 'em up like dolls

dolls dress

↓

and parade them around like sex objects. It's creepy.

creepy objects parade

↓

My mother didn't force me into it.

force mother

↓

I entered them myself.

entered

↓

Yeah, that's true. Actually, when Dee

↓

used to enter pageants when we were kids,

enter kids pageants used

↓

Mom used to tell her not to waste her time,

used waste

↓

because she isn't pretty enough.

↓

Mmm-hmm. She would say that, and then I would jam it

↓

right in her face when I'd win them.

face

↓

How would you win pageants? Did you have a different face?

face pageants

↓

No, she was a dog back then too.

↓

It's just that she worked at it.

worked

↓

She used to go to tanning, and she practiced with her makeup.

makeup practiced tanning used

↓

I'll give you that. You did a lot of that practicing.

practicing

↓

Thanks, Frank.

frank thanks thanks-frank

↓

Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change your thinking about child pageants.

change child pageants thinking

↓

Child pageants, that's American tradition right there.

american child pageants tradition

↓

Child pageantry?

child pageantry

↓

Think about it. In other countries, okay,

countries

↓

women that can't show their ankles, right?

ankles women

↓

They got to be in those big black tarps or whatever.

black

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - In America,

america

↓

we can show toddlers in tiny bikinis. We can make them tan,

tiny toddlers

↓

- because that's our right. - Mmm-hmm.

↓

As Americans, okay?

americans

↓

Child pageantry is an essential part of the American fabric.

american child essential fabric pageantry part

↓

You know what? We should dress up our little kids.

dress kids

↓

Just to show other people that we can.

↓

- Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.

↓

I never thought about it that way.

↓

- This is about freedom, isn't it? - Mmm-hmm.

freedom

↓

We can do whatever we want with our kids.

kids

↓

- Yeah. - And that's what America is all about.

america

↓

You know what you just did, Charlie?

charlie

↓

You just loaded up that train with coal,

loaded train

↓

and now it's ready to tear down the tracks.

ready tear tracks

↓

Yes!

↓

That was inspiring as hell.

inspiring

↓

Let's throw ourselves a pageant!

pageant throw

↓

- Let's do a child pageant. - USA.

child pageant

↓

USA! USA!

↓

USA! USA! USA!

↓

Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Good.

↓

Calm down, everybody. Calm down.

calm everybody everybody-calm

↓

Calm down. Thanks for coming to Frank's Little Beauties.

beauties calm coming franks thanks

↓

I wanna thank you all for participating.

participating

↓

I know some of you may have heard about that other guy.

heard

↓

I am not gonna diddle your kids.

diddle kids

↓

I'm not like that. That's not my thing.

↓

- I met that guy in a titty bar. - That's enough.

titty

↓

- It's like a... - That's enough.

↓

Hi, there. Dee Reynolds, former pageant winner.

former pageant reynolds winner

↓

I know how these things work,

↓

so, uh, your kids are in good hands.

hands kids

↓

Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.

ahead amongst go-ahead yourselves

↓

Frank, will you.

frank

↓

Frank, your nose is bleeding all over the place.

bleeding frank nose place

↓

Do I look suspicious?

suspicious

↓

You look grotesque.

grotesque

↓

Magic night for us

magic night

↓

A magical night

magical night

↓

"Magic's in the air."

magics

↓

- Magic's... - Magic's in the air

magics

↓

- See, this is fun. - Yeah.

fun

↓

We shouldn't be looking at this pageant as a problem.

looking pageant problem

↓

We should be looking at this as an opportunity

looking opportunity

↓

to do something we've never done before.

↓

This is right in our wheelhouse.

↓

I'm having a blast putting this...

blast having putting

↓

hey, I'm thinking maybe we could actually be in this thing.

thinking

↓

I'm glad you said it, because I'm desperate to be in this thing.

desperate glad

↓

Oh!

↓

I didn't realize it was even a conversation.

conversation realize

↓

I always assumed we would be heavily involved.

assumed heavily involved

↓

This is bad.

↓

We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids.

diddle kids song write

↓

Do not diddle kids

diddle kids

↓

It's no good diddling kids

diddling kids

↓

There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids

diddling kids quicker

↓

than by writing a song about it.

song writing

↓

You gotta write a song. It's like...

song write

↓

Ooh, I wouldn't do it with anybody younger than my daughter

anybody daughter younger

↓

And no little kids

kids

↓

Gotta be big, older than my wife

older wife

↓

Older than my daughter

daughter older

↓

Something like that.

↓

- Don't write a song about that. - No.

song write

↓

I'm cloudy. I got a headache.

headache

↓

Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?

charge excuse

↓

Well, usually that's whoever yells the loudest,

usually yells

↓

but I am the only one here right now, so I am in charge.

charge

↓

Oh, hi. Uh, my name is Walter Harris.

harris name walter

↓

Hi.

↓

for the protection of children.

children protection

↓

No! Ooh, ooh.

↓

Uh, you know, I'm... I'm pretty much...

↓

I'm in charge of this, the chairs and...

chairs charge

↓

- setting up the chairs. - Mmm.

chairs setting

↓

Uh, his face is busted to bits, and he's in charge.

bits busted charge face

↓

He's the guy that you wanna talk to.

↓

He might be this way, so I'll go...

might

↓

I'm gonna go back here and look for him.

↓

Uh, you check it out around the corner.

check corner

↓

Real jacked up face, and fat.

face jacked real

↓

So, how's everyone doing today? Is everyone feeling safe?

feeling safe today

↓

The FAPC, huh?

↓

That's what he said.

↓

They're siccing the dogs after us. We're screwed.

dogs screwed

↓

Hey, we're fine, Frank.

frank

↓

- We got nothing to hide. - Yeah, you know what?

hide

↓

To be honest with you, I'm glad he's gonna observe us.

glad honest observe

↓

I mean, somebody should be looking out for these kids.

kids looking somebody

↓

Yeah, those mothers just left their kids here in a bar,

kids left mothers

↓

with complete strangers in a pageant that's under investigation.

complete investigation pageant strangers

↓

They're terrible parents.

parents

↓

- Yeah. - This is a mess!

mess

↓

Frank, why don't you go lay down and put some ice on your face,

face frank

↓

'cause you look terrible.

↓

Jesus, Frank, fix your face, for God's sake.

face frank gods gods-sake jesus jesus-frank sake

↓

Relax.

relax

↓

- Go. Go. - We'll take care of everything in here.

care

↓

- Everything's gonna be fine, Frank. - Yeah, we got it. We got it.

everythings frank

↓

It's all gonna be fine.

↓

Now, you pinned the whole thing on him, right?

pinned whole

↓

Oh, yeah, of course I did.

course

↓

- Good, good, good. - Good thinking.

thinking

↓

Okay, ladies, chins up,

chins ladies

↓

hands down, step forward.

forward hands step step-forward

↓

One, two, three. One, two.

three

↓

Fan, turn.

↓

Hit it! Stick it! Let me see it!

stick

↓

Pose!

pose

↓

Come on! Hit the line. Get in line.

line

↓

What is this? Guys, we gotta put on a show!

↓

I thought you were professionals.

professionals

↓

That's what I'm looking for,

looking

↓

and I don't see professionals.

professionals

↓

I see amateurs.

amateurs

↓

I see trash.

trash

↓

Little pieces of trash on my stage.

pieces stage trash

↓

You guys are dummies. It's not even hard.

dummies hard

↓

You are dumb.

dumb

↓

It's not hard.

hard

↓

Samantha's mean.

↓

Samantha gets to be mean.

samantha

↓

Because Samantha is a star, okay?

samantha star

↓

Maybe one day you'll be a star,

star

↓

but right now you're not. You're junk.

junk

↓

I have to go to the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

You belong in the bathroom.

bathroom belong

↓

Go! Let's take a five. Let's take a break.

break five

↓

I'm so upset. Are you okay? You're doing great.

upset

↓

We'll be dressed very stylishly for the performance.

dressed performance

↓

It's gonna be a great performance, Walter, very classy.

classy performance walter

↓

I look forward to seeing it. Just make sure that the children are featured.

children featured forward seeing

↓

That is who this is about.

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

↓

It's about the kids.

kids

↓

- Absolutely. All about the kids, yeah. - Absolutely, yeah. No, totally.

absolutely kids

↓

Hey, Walter, you wanna come sit with us?

walter

↓

Yeah, come sit with...

↓

- You lost him. - Hello, everybody.

everybody lost

↓

He's all business, that guy, you know?

business

↓

He is all over us, man.

↓

We gotta put on a good show, you guys. We got to.

↓

Hello.

↓

That was some pretty impressive work out there, Samantha.

impressive samantha

↓

Excuse me. I'm eating my lunch.

eating excuse lunch

↓

Well, don't get sassy with me.

sassy

↓

I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

compliment

↓

You know, I see a lot of myself in you.

↓

You're not like me. You're ugly.

ugly

↓

You don't... That's not something you say.

↓

You're mean. You're the meanest girl in the world.

girl world

↓

Okay, you know what?

↓

You better thank your lucky stars I'm not in this competition

competition lucky stars

↓

because I would eat you for breakfast.

breakfast

↓

You're driving me nuts.

driving nuts

↓

I don't like your hair. It's dumb.

dumb hair

↓

Your hair looks like it's dead.

dead hair

↓

All right, that's it.

↓

You listen to me. All hair is technically dead,

dead hair technically

↓

you stupid idiot smarty-pants, stupid, stupid idiot.

idiot pants smarty smarty-pants stupid stupid-idiot stupid-stupid

↓

You better watch yourself, Samantha. Do you hear me?

samantha watch

↓

Because I am coming for you.

coming

↓

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

knock knock-knock

↓

Terrible breath.

breath

↓

Wheezing.

wheezing

↓

Dude, you're wheezing now. Slow down.

slow wheezing

↓

Breathe and eat separately.

breathe separately

↓

This is what America is about, okay?

america

↓

Being able to eat at any rate you want to eat.

able rate

↓

Shut up.

↓

Stop making all of these things about America.

america

↓

You're fat, not because of America...

america

↓

Can we just change the conversation?

change conversation

↓

Can we just focus on something else?

focus

↓

Did you guys see the boy that's here?

↓

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

↓

I mean, what's that all about?

↓

I imagine Dad probably skipped town.

imagine skipped town

↓

Mom always wanted a daughter,

daughter wanted

↓

so she sticks her little boy in the pageant, right,

pageant sticks

↓

so she can play out her little fantasies about having a little girl.

fantasies girl having

↓

That kid does not want to be here, you know.

↓

A kid like this needs guidance.

guidance needs

↓

He needs real men showing him what it's like...

needs real showing

↓

Would you like to see my dance?

dance

↓

Uh, yeah.

↓

- Yeah. - Sure.

↓

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

dandy doodle yankee yankee-doodle

↓

A Yankee Doodle, do or die

doodle yankee yankee-doodle

↓

A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam...

live nephew real uncle

↓

I don't think this boy is being pushed into this at all.

pushed

↓

This is a boy who genuinely loves pageantry.

genuinely loves pageantry

↓

Yeah.

↓

You know what? I bet he's never won one of these.

↓

We should help him win. For once, let's let

↓

- the boys in America win. - Totally.

america boys

↓

Well, maybe we could make a few adjustments to the song,

adjustments song

↓

maybe update it a little bit.

update

↓

Yes, the song needs an update.

needs song update

↓

All these old patriotic songs need updates.

patriotic songs updates

↓

Yeah. They're like 200 years old. That's why nobody wants to listen to 'em.

nobody nobody-wants wants years

↓

I am that Yankee Doodle boy

doodle yankee yankee-doodle

↓

- Hey! - All right, man.

↓

All right, hey.

↓

Good job, Benjamin.

benjamin

↓

- Hey, Justine. - Hey.

justine

↓

Hey, can we talk for just a quick sec?

quick

↓

Yeah, I really need to do my homework, but...

homework

↓

I know, but I'm the adult and I said we were gonna talk,

adult

↓

so that's what's gonna happen.

happen

↓

Listen, I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you?

pageant wish

↓

My mom says I'm not pretty enough.

↓

Your mom doesn't know dick. She's a dumb, fat cow. And your sister,

dick dumb sister

↓

she is a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?

bitch mouthed stupid

↓

You just said a lot of bad words.

words

↓

Here's what's gonna happen, Justine.

happen justine

↓

You are gonna win this pageant.

pageant

↓

You are gonna win this pageant!

pageant

↓

And I am gonna be the one who pushes you to do it.

pushes

↓

What do you think about that? Are you excited?

excited

↓

Are you excited about that?

excited

↓

Yeah, I don't really care about any of that.

care

↓

I know, but it's not what you care about. It's what I care about.

care

↓

- Okay. - Okay, ready?

ready

↓

Oh, we got a lot of work to do.

↓

Screw this homework, right? Come on!

homework screw

↓

- Great to see you. - Pleasure to meet you.

meet pleasure

↓

- Thank you so much. - Thank you very much.

↓

Guys, Walter's here. He looks very pleased.

pleased walters

↓

- Good. Good. He should. This is like... - Yeah.

↓

- Okay, good. - I'm here.

↓

- Oh. - What on earth did you do to your face?

earth face

↓

I had it done at a funeral home.

funeral home

↓

Why? Why? Why?

↓

Where in the hell am I gonna go,

↓

to the goddamn makeup counter at Macy's?

counter goddamn makeup

↓

You go to a funeral home to get gruesome repairs.

funeral gruesome home

↓

Look.

↓

You look like you're at your own wake.

wake

↓

Frank. Frank,

frank frank-frank

↓

I need some water.

water

↓

My mouth is dry.

mouth

↓

Your mouth is dry.

mouth

↓

Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.

mouth sink toilet

↓

- Okay. - Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?

↓

- I have a... - Who's that?

↓

He's the mortician. I invited him.

invited

↓

Oh, you brought the mortician. Well, that's not gonna

brought

↓

seem strange to anybody at all.

anybody strange

↓

I figure he's a cretin.

cretin figure

↓

Why would I have a cretin like that near me if I had something to hide?

cretin hide near

↓

Hmm.

↓

Associating with a man like that's not gonna make you look any better.

↓

Hey, hey, hey. You're on in five.

five

↓

- Oh, whoa. - Good.

whoa

↓

Artemis, what are you doing here?

artemis

↓

She's working the soundboard, okay?

working

↓

- Relax. - Is that a good idea?

idea relax

↓

Does she know how to work a soundboard?

↓

Who else are we gonna get?

↓

- We don't have a very deep bench, Dee. - Okay.

bench deep

↓

- I'm gonna go get high before the show. - Okay.

↓

- Seems like a bad idea. - Don't get high. It's making us look bad.

idea seems

↓

I'm sweatin' like a pig. I gotta get my makeup redone.

makeup

↓

- Okay, showtime, showtime. - Let's get ready, guys.

ready showtime

↓

Showtime, showtime, showtime.

showtime

↓

- Whoa! - Showtime.

showtime whoa

↓

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

↓

Give me a beat.

beat

↓

Magic's in the air

magics

↓

Magic's in the air

magics

↓

- Lace and silk is everywhere - Lace and silk

lace silk

↓

- Struttin' with dramatic flair - Dramatic flair

dramatic

↓

And bright smiles

bright smiles

↓

So everyone prepare

prepare

↓

For something special tonight

special tonight

↓

Here she is

↓

Frank's Little Beauties

beauties franks

↓

Your heart'll go into a cardiac arrest

arrest cardiac cardiac-arrest

↓

Cause Frank's Little Beauties

beauties franks

↓

Are nothing but the from state to state and town to town

state town

↓

These girls will turn your frown upside down

frown girls upside

↓

Uh-huh, uh-huh

↓

Who's brass and class and all that stuff?

brass class stuff

↓

These girls'll show you that they're good enough

↓

They're good, all right

↓

So put your hands together and settle in

hands settle

↓

'Cause tonight we're gettin' down

gettin tonight

↓

Only one contestant wins

contestant wins

↓

Frank's Little Beauties crown

beauties crown franks

↓

Is that it, Artemis?

artemis

↓

Very nice performance.

performance

↓

Very nice and clean performance.

clean performance

↓

Welcome.

welcome

↓

Welcome to our legitimate

legitimate welcome

↓

show of kids.

kids

↓

Uh, very, very, very nice.

↓

Which one of these talented,

talented

↓

uh, entertainers,

↓

who I am not attracted to at all,

attracted

↓

will be the winner?

winner

↓

I'm not attracted to any of them,

attracted

↓

none of them.

↓

And that's the way it is.

↓

Anyway, everybody put your hands together and clap for the kids.

clap everybody hands kids

↓

Clap. Clap.

clap

↓

And you wave goodbye.

goodbye wave

↓

Wave. Wave goodbye.

goodbye wave

↓

Go to your dressing rooms. We're gonna start the show.

dressing rooms start

↓

- Go on. - Bye, Frank.

frank

↓

Okay, just don't touch. Go on in there.

touch

↓

- Their dressing room... - Bye, Frank.

dressing frank room

↓

...over there on that side of the stage.

side stage

↓

I am going to my dressing room.

dressing room

↓

We will be right back. I'm over here.

↓

Aw!

↓

Ow! My hair hurts.

hair hurts

↓

I know. I know. Mine too. We look good.

↓

Okay, finish up that coffee.

coffee finish

↓

I don't like it.

↓

You do too like it.

↓

It doesn't matter whether you like it or not.

matter whether

↓

You need to be high energy, okay?

energy

↓

Do you wanna win this thing or not?

↓

I don't care.

care

↓

Yes, you do care, all right? Pop your teeth in.

care teeth

↓

- Pop your teeth in right now. - Really?

teeth

↓

Let's see 'em.

↓

You look fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Now let's go show those stupid moms, huh?

moms stupid

↓

- Mmm. - Come on.

↓

Moms stink

moms stink

↓

P.U.

↓

What are you gonna do?

↓

Yeah!

↓

Me and you should go into a secret world

secret world

↓

Where no one tells us what to do

tells

↓

Moms are stupid

moms stupid

↓

Doy!

↓

I'd like to throw them all in the trash

throw trash

↓

Yeah!

↓

They're nothing but a big humongous pain in the butt

butt humongous pain

↓

A big, humongous pain in my vagina

humongous pain vagina

↓

Moms are ugly

moms ugly

↓

Boo!

↓

People of earth,

earth

↓

prepare for the future of patriotism.

future prepare

↓

Yankee Doodle went to town

doodle town yankee yankee-doodle

↓

Riding on a pony

pony riding

↓

Stuck a feather in his cap

feather stuck

↓

And called it macaroni

called macaroni

↓

Rone, rone, rone, rone

rone-rone

↓

Rone, rone, rone

rone-rone

↓

Hey!

↓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

doodle yankee yankee-doodle yankee-yankee yankee-yankee-yankee

↓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

doodle yankee yankee-doodle yankee-yankee yankee-yankee-yankee

↓

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

tear wall

↓

The only thing we have to fear is

fear

↓

fear itself.

fear

↓

Hey, hey, what is this?

↓

- What are you people doing to my son? - Go back to your seat.

seat

↓

All right, who's in charge here?

charge

↓

Sir, go back to your seat.

seat

↓

Stuck a feather in his cap

feather stuck

↓

And called it macaroni

called macaroni

↓

Rone, rone

rone-rone

↓

Someone should have worn a shirt, right?

shirt worn

↓

Probably the kid.

↓

The kid definitely.

↓

- Yeah. - It felt uncomfortable.

uncomfortable

↓

But at a rave, I feel like that would have been awesome.

awesome rave

↓

- I know, but the kids make it weird. - It did get a little weird.

kids weird

↓

I can't figure this tie out here.

figure

↓

I got... I got a question about you morticians.

question

↓

You bang the dead bodies?

bang bodies dead dead-bodies

↓

Mmm... No.

↓

Imagine stuff like that goes on all the time, right.

imagine stuff

↓

I mean, I don't give a shit.

↓

If I was dead, you could bang me all you want.

bang dead

↓

Who cares?

cares

↓

Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean

bodys dead piece trash

↓

- Shove as much shit in there as you want. - Turn his mike down.

mike shove

↓

I'm trying. I don't know how.

↓

- You don't know how? - I don't know which one it is!

↓

Fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli.

cream fill

↓

- What's going on, you idiot? - Make a stew out of my ass.

idiot stew

↓

What's the big deal?

deal

↓

Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river.

bang grind pieces river throw

↓

Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead.

dead gives

↓

Oh! Ooh, shit.

↓

Is my mic on?

↓

- Oh, God. - Oh.

↓

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

↓

That was a mistake.

mistake

↓

The janitor got ahold of the PA system.

ahold janitor system

↓

Puerto Rican guy.

puerto puerto-rican rican

↓

You know, the kids are great. Uh, I love the kids.

kids love

↓

Not in a sexual way.

sexual

↓

No, I was married 20 years, and she was a bitch,

bitch married years

↓

but she was old, and I never had a problem getting it up with her.

problem

↓

What is this?

↓

Get the girls.

girls

↓

Well, wait. All right, Artemis,

artemis

↓

could you, um, give me a little music, please?

music

↓

- Play something nice. - Play something.

↓

- Play him out of here. Play some music. - Yeah, okay, okay.

music

↓

It's a grand old flag a high fly...

flag grand

↓

I don't know this. I do not know this one.

↓

Give me something like...

↓

Walter, come up and help me and, uh, help the people.

walter

↓

- Let's just leave. - Yeah, let's go.

↓

Let's go, 'cause this is a bad...

↓

I just want you to be having a great time.

having

↓

- Police. - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

police

↓

Whoa. Oh, that's it.

whoa

↓

I'm done. I'm going away.

↓

Get your hands off me, pigs.

hands pigs

↓

Why are you taking Walter?

walter

↓

Man's a diddler.

diddler mans

↓

Sick son of a bitch goes around to all these kids' pageants,

bitch kids pageants sick

↓

pretends he's an inspector.

inspector pretends

↓

We've been looking for him for a while.

looking

↓

I'm just glad we finally got him off the street.

finally glad street

↓

You got your man.

↓

So, there's another unrelated diddler in the mix?

another diddler unrelated

↓

Well, these things are just magnets for those people.

magnets

↓

It's like throwing a picnic at the beach

beach picnic throwing

↓

and getting pissed when the seagulls show up.

pissed seagulls

↓

- Yeah, you have to expect it. - Totally.

expect

↓

I tell you, children's beauty pageants are an American tradition,

american beauty childrens pageants tradition

↓

- but not a proud one. - Nope.

nope proud

↓

- I'm gonna go. - Me too.

↓

Let's go, because it still doesn't...

↓

Wait! Wait! Who won?

↓

Uh, um, Samantha.

samantha

↓

- She's the prettiest, right? - Yeah.

↓

- Come on. - Yeah.

↓

Yay! I'm the winner!

winner

↓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

doodle yankee yankee-doodle yankee-yankee yankee-yankee-yankee

↓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

doodle yankee yankee-doodle yankee-yankee yankee-yankee-yankee

↓

Yankee Doodle went to town

doodle town yankee yankee-doodle

↓

Riding on a pony

pony riding

↓

Stuck a feather in his cap

feather stuck

↓

And called it macaroni

called macaroni