Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E03 — Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 3 — Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

No. We never had kings in this country.

#1

⇓

No.

#2

⇓

That was the whole point of this country

#3

⇓

- is that we didn't want a king. - We didn't want the king.

#4

⇓

Shit! Son of a bitch! Guys, guys, guys!

#5

⇓

Oh!

#6

⇓

- Oh! - Are you okay?

#7

⇓

- Oh! - Oh!

#8

⇓

Oh!

#9

⇓

I think you broke your nose.

#10

⇓

I'm screwed. I'm screwed.

#11

⇓

Ah!

#12

⇓

Oh, strange man, titty bar.

#13

⇓

A great investment opportunity.

#14

⇓

Beauty pageant.

#15

⇓

- Are you getting it? - Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.

#16

⇓

You met a strange man at a titty bar

#17

⇓

who offered you a great opportunity to invest in a beauty pageant?

#18

⇓

Everything looked very legit.

#19

⇓

Okay, fine. I've always wanted to do a beauty pageant.

#22

⇓

Stop. Why?

#23

⇓

Because you make a lot of cash,

#24

⇓

and you ogle some broads.

#25

⇓

Yeah. I don't question that aspect of it.

#26

⇓

Yeah, that seems right up your alley, bro.

#27

⇓

Oh, this jerk gets pinched

#28

⇓

and now it looks like a whole scam.

#30

⇓

And if I don't legitimize this thing,

#31

⇓

everybody's gonna think I'm just like him.

#32

⇓

Why don't you just drop the whole thing?

#33

⇓

I mean, it's really a mess.

#35

⇓

Any second now,

#36

⇓

there's gonna be broads walking through that door

#37

⇓

- in swimsuits. - Awesome.

#38

⇓

That's a good thing.

#39

⇓

I don't see what the problem is here, Frank.

#40

⇓

Oh, oh, oh!

#41

⇓

Looks like somebody forgot their swimsuit.

#42

⇓

Come on, girls.

#43

⇓

That's the problem.

#44

⇓

A kids' pageant?

#45

⇓

- I didn't know. - Are you kidding me?

#46

⇓

I didn't know it was a kids' pageant.

#47

⇓

The guy didn't make that clear.

#48

⇓

Now I'm lumped in with a diddler. What am I gonna do?

#49

⇓

This is a mess.

#50

⇓

Well, I don't know what the big deal is.

#51

⇓

You know, I did pageants all the time

#52

⇓

when I was little.

#53

⇓

The big deal? The big deal is that

#54

⇓

mothers force their kids into this

#55

⇓

so that they can dress 'em up like dolls

#56

⇓

and parade them around like sex objects. It's creepy.

#57

⇓

My mother didn't force me into it.

#58

⇓

I entered them myself.

#59

⇓

Yeah, that's true. Actually, when Dee

#60

⇓

used to enter pageants when we were kids,

#61

⇓

Mom used to tell her not to waste her time,

#62

⇓

because she isn't pretty enough.

#63

⇓

Mmm-hmm. She would say that, and then I would jam it

#64

⇓

right in her face when I'd win them.

#65

⇓

How would you win pageants? Did you have a different face?

#66

⇓

No, she was a dog back then too.

#67

⇓

It's just that she worked at it.

#68

⇓

She used to go to tanning, and she practiced with her makeup.

#69

⇓

I'll give you that. You did a lot of that practicing.

#70

⇓

Thanks, Frank.

#71

⇓

Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change your thinking about child pageants.

#72

⇓

Child pageants, that's American tradition right there.

#73

⇓

Child pageantry?

#74

⇓

Think about it. In other countries, okay,

#75

⇓

women that can't show their ankles, right?

#76

⇓

They got to be in those big black tarps or whatever.

#77

⇓

- Mmm-hmm. - In America,

#78

⇓

we can show toddlers in tiny bikinis. We can make them tan,

#79

⇓

- because that's our right. - Mmm-hmm.

#80

⇓

As Americans, okay?

#81

⇓

Child pageantry is an essential part of the American fabric.

#82

⇓

You know what? We should dress up our little kids.

#83

⇓

Just to show other people that we can.

#84

⇓

- Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.

#85

⇓

I never thought about it that way.

#86

⇓

- This is about freedom, isn't it? - Mmm-hmm.

#87

⇓

We can do whatever we want with our kids.

#88

⇓

- Yeah. - And that's what America is all about.

#89

⇓

You know what you just did, Charlie?

#90

⇓

You just loaded up that train with coal,

#91

⇓

and now it's ready to tear down the tracks.

#92

⇓

Yes!

#93

⇓

That was inspiring as hell.

#94

⇓

Let's throw ourselves a pageant!

#95

⇓

- Let's do a child pageant. - USA.

#96

⇓

USA! USA!

#97

⇓

USA! USA! USA!

#98

⇓

Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Good.

#99

⇓

Calm down, everybody. Calm down.

#100

⇓

Calm down. Thanks for coming to Frank's Little Beauties.

#101

⇓

I wanna thank you all for participating.

#102

⇓

I know some of you may have heard about that other guy.

#103

⇓

I am not gonna diddle your kids.

#104

⇓

I'm not like that. That's not my thing.

#105

⇓

- I met that guy in a titty bar. - That's enough.

#106

⇓

- It's like a... - That's enough.

#107

⇓

Hi, there. Dee Reynolds, former pageant winner.

#108

⇓

I know how these things work,

#109

⇓

so, uh, your kids are in good hands.

#110

⇓

Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.

#111

⇓

Frank, will you.

#112

⇓

Frank, your nose is bleeding all over the place.

#113

⇓

Do I look suspicious?

#114

⇓

You look grotesque.

#115

⇓

Magic night for us

#116

⇓

A magical night

#117

⇓

"Magic's in the air."

#118

⇓

- Magic's... - Magic's in the air

#119

⇓

- See, this is fun. - Yeah.

#120

⇓

We shouldn't be looking at this pageant as a problem.

#121

⇓

We should be looking at this as an opportunity

#122

⇓

to do something we've never done before.

#123

⇓

This is right in our wheelhouse.

#124

⇓

I'm having a blast putting this...

#125

⇓

hey, I'm thinking maybe we could actually be in this thing.

#126

⇓

I'm glad you said it, because I'm desperate to be in this thing.

#127

⇓

Oh!

#128

⇓

I didn't realize it was even a conversation.

#129

⇓

I always assumed we would be heavily involved.

#130

⇓

This is bad.

#131

⇓

We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids.

#132

⇓

Do not diddle kids

#133

⇓

It's no good diddling kids

#134

⇓

There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids

#135

⇓

than by writing a song about it.

#136

⇓

You gotta write a song. It's like...

#137

⇓

Ooh, I wouldn't do it with anybody younger than my daughter

#138

⇓

And no little kids

#139

⇓

Gotta be big, older than my wife

#140

⇓

Older than my daughter

#141

⇓

Something like that.

#142

⇓

- Don't write a song about that. - No.

#143

⇓

I'm cloudy. I got a headache.

#144

⇓

Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?

#145

⇓

Well, usually that's whoever yells the loudest,

#146

⇓

but I am the only one here right now, so I am in charge.

#147

⇓

Oh, hi. Uh, my name is Walter Harris.

#148

⇓

Hi.

#149

⇓

for the protection of children.

#151

⇓

No! Ooh, ooh.

#152

⇓

Uh, you know, I'm... I'm pretty much...

#154

⇓

I'm in charge of this, the chairs and...

#155

⇓

- setting up the chairs. - Mmm.

#156

⇓

Uh, his face is busted to bits, and he's in charge.

#158

⇓

He's the guy that you wanna talk to.

#159

⇓

He might be this way, so I'll go...

#160

⇓

I'm gonna go back here and look for him.

#161

⇓

Uh, you check it out around the corner.

#162

⇓

Real jacked up face, and fat.

#163

⇓

So, how's everyone doing today? Is everyone feeling safe?

#164

⇓

The FAPC, huh?

#165

⇓

That's what he said.

#166

⇓

They're siccing the dogs after us. We're screwed.

#167

⇓

Hey, we're fine, Frank.

#168

⇓

- We got nothing to hide. - Yeah, you know what?

#169

⇓

To be honest with you, I'm glad he's gonna observe us.

#170

⇓

I mean, somebody should be looking out for these kids.

#171

⇓

Yeah, those mothers just left their kids here in a bar,

#172

⇓

with complete strangers in a pageant that's under investigation.

#173

⇓

They're terrible parents.

#174

⇓

- Yeah. - This is a mess!

#175

⇓

Frank, why don't you go lay down and put some ice on your face,

#176

⇓

'cause you look terrible.

#177

⇓

Jesus, Frank, fix your face, for God's sake.

#178

⇓

Relax.

#179

⇓

- Go. Go. - We'll take care of everything in here.

#180

⇓

- Everything's gonna be fine, Frank. - Yeah, we got it. We got it.

#181

⇓

It's all gonna be fine.

#182

⇓

Now, you pinned the whole thing on him, right?

#183

⇓

Oh, yeah, of course I did.

#184

⇓

- Good, good, good. - Good thinking.

#185

⇓

Okay, ladies, chins up,

#186

⇓

hands down, step forward.

#187

⇓

One, two, three. One, two.

#188

⇓

Fan, turn.

#189

⇓

Hit it! Stick it! Let me see it!

#190

⇓

Pose!

#191

⇓

Come on! Hit the line. Get in line.

#192

⇓

What is this? Guys, we gotta put on a show!

#193

⇓

I thought you were professionals.

#194

⇓

That's what I'm looking for,

#195

⇓

and I don't see professionals.

#196

⇓

I see amateurs.

#197

⇓

I see trash.

#198

⇓

Little pieces of trash on my stage.

#199

⇓

You guys are dummies. It's not even hard.

#200

⇓

You are dumb.

#201

⇓

It's not hard.

#202

⇓

Samantha's mean.

#203

⇓

Samantha gets to be mean.

#204

⇓

Because Samantha is a star, okay?

#205

⇓

Maybe one day you'll be a star,

#206

⇓

but right now you're not. You're junk.

#207

⇓

I have to go to the bathroom.

#208

⇓

You belong in the bathroom.

#209

⇓

Go! Let's take a five. Let's take a break.

#210

⇓

I'm so upset. Are you okay? You're doing great.

#211

⇓

We'll be dressed very stylishly for the performance.

#212

⇓

It's gonna be a great performance, Walter, very classy.

#213

⇓

I look forward to seeing it. Just make sure that the children are featured.

#214

⇓

That is who this is about.

#215

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#216

⇓

It's about the kids.

#217

⇓

- Absolutely. All about the kids, yeah. - Absolutely, yeah. No, totally.

#218

⇓

Hey, Walter, you wanna come sit with us?

#219

⇓

Yeah, come sit with...

#220

⇓

- You lost him. - Hello, everybody.

#221

⇓

He's all business, that guy, you know?

#222

⇓

He is all over us, man.

#223

⇓

We gotta put on a good show, you guys. We got to.

#224

⇓

Hello.

#225

⇓

That was some pretty impressive work out there, Samantha.

#226

⇓

Excuse me. I'm eating my lunch.

#227

⇓

Well, don't get sassy with me.

#228

⇓

I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

#229

⇓

You know, I see a lot of myself in you.

#230

⇓

You're not like me. You're ugly.

#231

⇓

You don't... That's not something you say.

#232

⇓

You're mean. You're the meanest girl in the world.

#233

⇓

Okay, you know what?

#234

⇓

You better thank your lucky stars I'm not in this competition

#235

⇓

because I would eat you for breakfast.

#236

⇓

You're driving me nuts.

#237

⇓

I don't like your hair. It's dumb.

#238

⇓

Your hair looks like it's dead.

#239

⇓

All right, that's it.

#240

⇓

You listen to me. All hair is technically dead,

#241

⇓

you stupid idiot smarty-pants, stupid, stupid idiot.

#242

⇓

You better watch yourself, Samantha. Do you hear me?

#243

⇓

Because I am coming for you.

#244

⇓

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

#245

⇓

Terrible breath.

#246

⇓

Wheezing.

#247

⇓

Dude, you're wheezing now. Slow down.

#248

⇓

Breathe and eat separately.

#249

⇓

This is what America is about, okay?

#250

⇓

Being able to eat at any rate you want to eat.

#251

⇓

Shut up.

#252

⇓

Stop making all of these things about America.

#253

⇓

You're fat, not because of America...

#254

⇓

Can we just change the conversation?

#255

⇓

Can we just focus on something else?

#256

⇓

Did you guys see the boy that's here?

#257

⇓

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

#258

⇓

I mean, what's that all about?

#259

⇓

I imagine Dad probably skipped town.

#260

⇓

Mom always wanted a daughter,

#261

⇓

so she sticks her little boy in the pageant, right,

#262

⇓

so she can play out her little fantasies about having a little girl.

#263

⇓

That kid does not want to be here, you know.

#264

⇓

A kid like this needs guidance.

#265

⇓

He needs real men showing him what it's like...

#266

⇓

Would you like to see my dance?

#267

⇓

Uh, yeah.

#268

⇓

- Yeah. - Sure.

#269

⇓

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

#270

⇓

A Yankee Doodle, do or die

#271

⇓

A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam...

#272

⇓

I don't think this boy is being pushed into this at all.

#273

⇓

This is a boy who genuinely loves pageantry.

#274

⇓

Yeah.

#275

⇓

You know what? I bet he's never won one of these.

#276

⇓

We should help him win. For once, let's let

#277

⇓

- the boys in America win. - Totally.

#278

⇓

Well, maybe we could make a few adjustments to the song,

#279

⇓

maybe update it a little bit.

#280

⇓

Yes, the song needs an update.

#281

⇓

All these old patriotic songs need updates.

#282

⇓

Yeah. They're like 200 years old. That's why nobody wants to listen to 'em.

#283

⇓

I am that Yankee Doodle boy

#284

⇓

- Hey! - All right, man.

#285

⇓

All right, hey.

#286

⇓

Good job, Benjamin.

#287

⇓

- Hey, Justine. - Hey.

#288

⇓

Hey, can we talk for just a quick sec?

#289

⇓

Yeah, I really need to do my homework, but...

#290

⇓

I know, but I'm the adult and I said we were gonna talk,

#291

⇓

so that's what's gonna happen.

#292

⇓

Listen, I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you?

#293

⇓

My mom says I'm not pretty enough.

#294

⇓

Your mom doesn't know dick. She's a dumb, fat cow. And your sister,

#295

⇓

she is a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?

#296

⇓

You just said a lot of bad words.

#297

⇓

Here's what's gonna happen, Justine.

#298

⇓

You are gonna win this pageant.

#299

⇓

You are gonna win this pageant!

#300

⇓

And I am gonna be the one who pushes you to do it.

#301

⇓

What do you think about that? Are you excited?

#302

⇓

Are you excited about that?

#303

⇓

Yeah, I don't really care about any of that.

#304

⇓

I know, but it's not what you care about. It's what I care about.

#305

⇓

- Okay. - Okay, ready?

#306

⇓

Oh, we got a lot of work to do.

#307

⇓

Screw this homework, right? Come on!

#308

⇓

- Great to see you. - Pleasure to meet you.

#309

⇓

- Thank you so much. - Thank you very much.

#310

⇓

Guys, Walter's here. He looks very pleased.

#311

⇓

- Good. Good. He should. This is like... - Yeah.

#312

⇓

- Okay, good. - I'm here.

#313

⇓

- Oh. - What on earth did you do to your face?

#314

⇓

I had it done at a funeral home.

#315

⇓

Why? Why? Why?

#316

⇓

Where in the hell am I gonna go,

#317

⇓

to the goddamn makeup counter at Macy's?

#318

⇓

You go to a funeral home to get gruesome repairs.

#319

⇓

Look.

#320

⇓

You look like you're at your own wake.

#321

⇓

Frank. Frank,

#322

⇓

I need some water.

#323

⇓

My mouth is dry.

#324

⇓

Your mouth is dry.

#325

⇓

Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.

#326

⇓

- Okay. - Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?

#327

⇓

- I have a... - Who's that?

#328

⇓

He's the mortician. I invited him.

#329

⇓

Oh, you brought the mortician. Well, that's not gonna

#330

⇓

seem strange to anybody at all.

#331

⇓

I figure he's a cretin.

#332

⇓

Why would I have a cretin like that near me if I had something to hide?

#333

⇓

Hmm.

#334

⇓

Associating with a man like that's not gonna make you look any better.

#335

⇓

Hey, hey, hey. You're on in five.

#336

⇓

- Oh, whoa. - Good.

#337

⇓

Artemis, what are you doing here?

#338

⇓

She's working the soundboard, okay?

#339

⇓

- Relax. - Is that a good idea?

#340

⇓

Does she know how to work a soundboard?

#341

⇓

Who else are we gonna get?

#342

⇓

- We don't have a very deep bench, Dee. - Okay.

#343

⇓

- I'm gonna go get high before the show. - Okay.

#344

⇓

- Seems like a bad idea. - Don't get high. It's making us look bad.

#345

⇓

I'm sweatin' like a pig. I gotta get my makeup redone.

#346

⇓

- Okay, showtime, showtime. - Let's get ready, guys.

#347

⇓

Showtime, showtime, showtime.

#348

⇓

- Whoa! - Showtime.

#349

⇓

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

#350

⇓

Give me a beat.

#351

⇓

Magic's in the air

#352

⇓

Magic's in the air

#353

⇓

- Lace and silk is everywhere - Lace and silk

#354

⇓

- Struttin' with dramatic flair - Dramatic flair

#355

⇓

And bright smiles

#356

⇓

So everyone prepare

#357

⇓

For something special tonight

#358

⇓

Here she is

#359

⇓

Frank's Little Beauties

#360

⇓

Your heart'll go into a cardiac arrest

#361

⇓

Cause Frank's Little Beauties

#362

⇓

Are nothing but the from state to state and town to town

#363

⇓

These girls will turn your frown upside down

#364

⇓

Uh-huh, uh-huh

#365

⇓

Who's brass and class and all that stuff?

#366

⇓

These girls'll show you that they're good enough

#367

⇓

They're good, all right

#368

⇓

So put your hands together and settle in

#369

⇓

'Cause tonight we're gettin' down

#370

⇓

Only one contestant wins

#371

⇓

Frank's Little Beauties crown

#372

⇓

Is that it, Artemis?

#373

⇓

Very nice performance.

#374

⇓

Very nice and clean performance.

#375

⇓

Welcome.

#376

⇓

Welcome to our legitimate

#377

⇓

show of kids.

#378

⇓

Uh, very, very, very nice.

#379

⇓

Which one of these talented,

#380

⇓

uh, entertainers,

#381

⇓

who I am not attracted to at all,

#382

⇓

will be the winner?

#383

⇓

I'm not attracted to any of them,

#384

⇓

none of them.

#385

⇓

And that's the way it is.

#386

⇓

Anyway, everybody put your hands together and clap for the kids.

#387

⇓

Clap. Clap.

#388

⇓

And you wave goodbye.

#389

⇓

Wave. Wave goodbye.

#390

⇓

Go to your dressing rooms. We're gonna start the show.

#391

⇓

- Go on. - Bye, Frank.

#392

⇓

Okay, just don't touch. Go on in there.

#393

⇓

- Their dressing room... - Bye, Frank.

#394

⇓

...over there on that side of the stage.

#395

⇓

I am going to my dressing room.

#396

⇓

We will be right back. I'm over here.

#397

⇓

Aw!

#398

⇓

Ow! My hair hurts.

#399

⇓

I know. I know. Mine too. We look good.

#400

⇓

Okay, finish up that coffee.

#401

⇓

I don't like it.

#402

⇓

You do too like it.

#403

⇓

It doesn't matter whether you like it or not.

#404

⇓

You need to be high energy, okay?

#405

⇓

Do you wanna win this thing or not?

#406

⇓

I don't care.

#407

⇓

Yes, you do care, all right? Pop your teeth in.

#408

⇓

- Pop your teeth in right now. - Really?

#409

⇓

Let's see 'em.

#410

⇓

You look fantastic.

#411

⇓

Now let's go show those stupid moms, huh?

#412

⇓

- Mmm. - Come on.

#413

⇓

Moms stink

#414

⇓

P.U.

#415

⇓

What are you gonna do?

#416

⇓

Yeah!

#417

⇓

Me and you should go into a secret world

#418

⇓

Where no one tells us what to do

#419

⇓

Moms are stupid

#420

⇓

Doy!

#421

⇓

I'd like to throw them all in the trash

#422

⇓

Yeah!

#423

⇓

They're nothing but a big humongous pain in the butt

#424

⇓

A big, humongous pain in my vagina

#425

⇓

Moms are ugly

#426

⇓

Boo!

#427

⇓

People of earth,

#428

⇓

prepare for the future of patriotism.

#429

⇓

Yankee Doodle went to town

#430

⇓

Riding on a pony

#431

⇓

Stuck a feather in his cap

#432

⇓

And called it macaroni

#433

⇓

Rone, rone, rone, rone

#434

⇓

Rone, rone, rone

#435

⇓

Hey!

#436

⇓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#437

⇓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#438

⇓

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

#439

⇓

The only thing we have to fear is

#440

⇓

fear itself.

#441

⇓

Hey, hey, what is this?

#442

⇓

- What are you people doing to my son? - Go back to your seat.

#443

⇓

All right, who's in charge here?

#444

⇓

Sir, go back to your seat.

#445

⇓

Stuck a feather in his cap

#446

⇓

And called it macaroni

#447

⇓

Rone, rone

#448

⇓

Someone should have worn a shirt, right?

#449

⇓

Probably the kid.

#450

⇓

The kid definitely.

#451

⇓

- Yeah. - It felt uncomfortable.

#452

⇓

But at a rave, I feel like that would have been awesome.

#453

⇓

- I know, but the kids make it weird. - It did get a little weird.

#454

⇓

I can't figure this tie out here.

#455

⇓

I got... I got a question about you morticians.

#456

⇓

You bang the dead bodies?

#457

⇓

Mmm... No.

#458

⇓

Imagine stuff like that goes on all the time, right.

#459

⇓

I mean, I don't give a shit.

#460

⇓

If I was dead, you could bang me all you want.

#461

⇓

Who cares?

#462

⇓

Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean

#463

⇓

- Shove as much shit in there as you want. - Turn his mike down.

#464

⇓

I'm trying. I don't know how.

#465

⇓

- You don't know how? - I don't know which one it is!

#466

⇓

Fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli.

#467

⇓

- What's going on, you idiot? - Make a stew out of my ass.

#468

⇓

What's the big deal?

#469

⇓

Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river.

#470

⇓

Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead.

#471

⇓

Oh! Ooh, shit.

#472

⇓

Is my mic on?

#473

⇓

- Oh, God. - Oh.

#474

⇓

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

#475

⇓

That was a mistake.

#476

⇓

The janitor got ahold of the PA system.

#477

⇓

Puerto Rican guy.

#478

⇓

You know, the kids are great. Uh, I love the kids.

#479

⇓

Not in a sexual way.

#480

⇓

No, I was married 20 years, and she was a bitch,

#481

⇓

but she was old, and I never had a problem getting it up with her.

#482

⇓

What is this?

#483

⇓

Get the girls.

#484

⇓

Well, wait. All right, Artemis,

#485

⇓

could you, um, give me a little music, please?

#486

⇓

- Play something nice. - Play something.

#487

⇓

- Play him out of here. Play some music. - Yeah, okay, okay.

#488

⇓

It's a grand old flag a high fly...

#489

⇓

I don't know this. I do not know this one.

#490

⇓

Give me something like...

#491

⇓

Walter, come up and help me and, uh, help the people.

#492

⇓

- Let's just leave. - Yeah, let's go.

#493

⇓

Let's go, 'cause this is a bad...

#494

⇓

I just want you to be having a great time.

#495

⇓

- Police. - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

#496

⇓

Whoa. Oh, that's it.

#497

⇓

I'm done. I'm going away.

#498

⇓

Get your hands off me, pigs.

#499

⇓

Why are you taking Walter?

#500

⇓

Man's a diddler.

#501

⇓

Sick son of a bitch goes around to all these kids' pageants,

#502

⇓

pretends he's an inspector.

#503

⇓

We've been looking for him for a while.

#504

⇓

I'm just glad we finally got him off the street.

#505

⇓

You got your man.

#506

⇓

So, there's another unrelated diddler in the mix?

#507

⇓

Well, these things are just magnets for those people.

#508

⇓

It's like throwing a picnic at the beach

#509

⇓

and getting pissed when the seagulls show up.

#510

⇓

- Yeah, you have to expect it. - Totally.

#511

⇓

I tell you, children's beauty pageants are an American tradition,

#512

⇓

- but not a proud one. - Nope.

#513

⇓

- I'm gonna go. - Me too.

#514

⇓

Let's go, because it still doesn't...

#515

⇓

Wait! Wait! Who won?

#516

⇓

Uh, um, Samantha.

#517

⇓

- She's the prettiest, right? - Yeah.

#518

⇓

- Come on. - Yeah.

#519

⇓

Yay! I'm the winner!

#520

⇓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#521

⇓

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#522

⇓

Yankee Doodle went to town

#523

⇓

Riding on a pony

#524

⇓

Stuck a feather in his cap

#525

⇓

And called it macaroni

#526

⇓