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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E10 — How Mac Got Fat

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 10 — How Mac Got Fat

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: How Mac Got Fat

Air date: November 17, 2011

Directors: Matt Shakman, Randall Einhorn

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Step inside the confession booth with Mac as he tells a befuddled priest why his fatness is the fault of the other members of The Gang.

Source: TMDB

↓

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

bless father sinned

↓

It's been one week since my last confession.

confession week

↓

Okay, my son.

↓

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

father holy holy-spirit name spirit

↓

what is your confession?

confession

↓

I'm fat.

↓

I command thee to smite my friends!

command friends smite thee

↓

Let's try and remain composed.

composed remain

↓

Okay, Father, I'll try, but I can't promise anything

father promise

↓

'cause I'm pretty excitable.

↓

How did your friends make you fat?

friends

↓

Were they force-feeding you?

feeding force

↓

Well, no, not exactly.

↓

and then they became monsters,

became monsters

↓

which in turn made them make me fat.

↓

So, really, I'd like to confess on them,

confess

↓

because they're sinners and pricks.

pricks sinners

↓

Son,

↓

I don't think you understand the purpose of confession.

confession purpose

↓

Right. All right.

↓

Sorry, Father. You need the context.

context father

↓

Let me start at the beginning.

beginning start

↓

Now, my friends and I own and operate a bar

friends operate

↓

in South Philly, and a few weeks ago,

philly south south-philly weeks

↓

we became more successful than we ever have before.

became successful

↓

Oh, oh, oh!

↓

Look who's back!

↓

I scored a shitload of fireworks.

fireworks scored shitload

↓

Out of my way, Frank.

frank

↓

Oh. Hey.

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

North Carolina. What a hell of a state.

carolina north state

↓

Not now, Frank. We're packed.

frank packed

↓

What the shit is going on around here?

↓

I really don't get it.

↓

I don't see how we're so popular now.

popular

↓

I just can't wrap my head around this.

head wrap

↓

Were we doing anything different?

↓

Guys, we may have tipped. Uh-oh.

tipped

↓

No, this is a good thing.

↓

This is what happens with success in business.

business happens success

↓

Hmm?

↓

Okay, if you keep making the right decisions over time,

decisions

↓

eventually you will get to a point where you tip

eventually point

↓

and you become successful.

become successful

↓

I totally... Like, check out this decision.

check decision

↓

I keep a very clean bar every day, very tidy.

clean tidy

↓

I think people respond to that.

respond

↓

They say, "What was that clean bar I was at the other week?"

clean week

↓

And then they show up again.

↓

And then someone says, "Hey, did you see that clean bar? Let's go there."

clean

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my comedy, you know.

comedy

↓

All my... All my funny jokes and stuff that I throw out.

funny jokes stuff throw

↓

and hilarious jabs I throw at the customers,

customers hilarious throw

↓

and I add all that charm to the place.

charm place

↓

That's... That's probably doing it.

↓

Yeah, good-looking guy like myself,

looking

↓

takes pride in his personal appearance,

appearance personal pride takes

↓

takes pride in his personal hygiene, has great hair.

hair hygiene personal pride takes

↓

You know, you put a guy like that behind the bar,

behind

↓

and people will eventually flock to this man.

eventually flock

↓

That... That's what you're saying, yeah.

↓

That's what you're saying.

↓

Sort of.

↓

- I didn't think it was... - Uh-huh.

↓

Look, the point is that we gotta keep doing what it is that we do.

point

↓

- Yes. - No matter how psychotically vain...

matter vain

↓

- Right. - ...or needy and pathetic...

needy pathetic

↓

- Yes. - ...or, I mean, just plain sad.

plain

↓

- Right. - Well, let's not put labels on it,

labels

↓

'cause we don't know which one is the one that is the most...

↓

- If we keep doing all of it... - Mmm-hmm.

↓

...then we will keep tipping up.

tipping

↓

- Yes. - Nice!

↓

In order to maintain this success,

maintain order success

↓

I do think though we need to get some rest.

rest

↓

Let's do the right thing here for once in our lives,

lives

↓

and let's go home and get a good night's sleep.

home nights nights-sleep sleep

↓

But that sleep would never come, Father,

father sleep

↓

because success was about to change everything.

change success

↓

Hey, Charlie, you asleep?

asleep charlie

↓

- Charlie. Are you asleep? - No... No!

asleep charlie

↓

- I had a great idea. - I don't want to hear it.

idea

↓

Frank, I'm a successful man now. Okay?

frank successful

↓

I need to maintain a certain level of excellence,

certain excellence level maintain

↓

so I can't have you, like, telling me terrible ideas all night,

ideas night telling

↓

'cause that brings me off my excellence, okay?

brings excellence

↓

- Okay, but this is a great idea. - I don't want to...

idea

↓

We take... We take the M-80s that I have

↓

and we stick 'em in some lamb.

lamb stick

↓

And "Pa-chow!" We blow it up!

blow chow

↓

What are you looking to do?

looking

↓

Like, flash-cook a...

cook flash

↓

a gyro sandwich?

sandwich

↓

Yeah. That's a good idea.

idea

↓

- Flash-cook a sandwich. - Oh, my God. Do you...

cook flash sandwich

↓

Cook the meat immediately.

cook immediately meat

↓

I think what you're talking about is just a meat bomb.

bomb meat

↓

That's a waste of a good lamb.

lamb waste

↓

So if you're done with coming up with terrible ideas,

coming ideas

↓

um, I'm going to go back to bed.

↓

A meat bomb!

bomb meat

↓

You blow it up.

blow

↓

I mean, like, just take the thing and stick it...

stick

↓

I'm going to the crevice!

crevice

↓

No, no, no, no! Charlie! Don't go in the crevice.

charlie crevice

↓

Charlie, don't go in the crevice.

charlie crevice

↓

- I'm going in the crevice, Frank. - Come on, don't go in the crevice.

crevice frank

↓

Oh, come on, man.

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Yello.

yello

↓

MAC Hey-o. It's Mac. What's up?

↓

- Hey-o! 'Sup? - Yeah, I'm gonna go out and rage.

rage

↓

- Is Charlie there? - Hey, it's Mac. He wants to go rage.

charlie rage wants

↓

I don't care. I'm in the crevice.

care crevice

↓

- He's in the crevice. - Shit. He's in the crevice?

crevice

↓

I'll come out with you. We'll go out.

↓

You and me, we'll go together, we'll have a ball.

ball

↓

Hello?

↓

I'm not seeing how this relates to your weight gain.

gain seeing weight weight-gain

↓

Uh, I'm telling a story, Father.

father story telling

↓

Frank's not a guy that usually comes up with plans.

comes franks plans usually

↓

I mean, you want to know all the key players

players

↓

and how success affected them, right?

affected success

↓

Well, I think your time could be better spent

spent

↓

if you focused more on yourself.

focused

↓

But I haven't done very much wrong.

↓

Okay, you know what, Father? I'm just going to plow ahead.

ahead father plow

↓

Because I'm sensing some resistance.

resistance sensing

↓

And Dennis always tells me, never let someone's resistance

dennis resistance someones tells

↓

stop you from getting what you want.

↓

So, the bar's success continued.

bars continued success

↓

But Dee's inflated ego about her comedy

comedy dees inflated

↓

was keeping her from doing her job.

keeping

↓

Kids these days,

days kids

↓

they have so many more choices than we had when we were little.

choices

↓

- Am I right? I mean, it's like... - Excuse me? Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Do you want to watch Kung Fu Panda on Blu-ray...

kung panda watch

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

- Oh, my God. Yeah? - We are still waiting on those beers.

beers waiting

↓

Yeah! I know.

↓

Right in the middle of a joke.

joke middle

↓

And now where was I with it?

↓

Can, um, we get those margaritas that we ordered a while ago as well?

margaritas ordered

↓

- That'd be great. - Yeah. Can I finish the joke?

finish joke thatd

↓

'Cause the funny part comes at the end,

comes funny part

↓

- so you're going to miss it... - Right.

miss

↓

- ...if you don't... - You keep trying to tell jokes...

jokes

↓

- Well, they're not really landing. - Oh! They're not landing

landing

↓

because I'm not getting to the punch line,

line punch punch-line

↓

so if you could just be patient and let me get it out.

patient

↓

- Kids these days... - Okay.

days kids

↓

- ...have so many more choices... - No, don't.

choices

↓

Don't try to finish the joke. Don't try to finish the joke.

finish joke

↓

I'm not gonna even listen. I just want my margarita.

margarita

↓

- Do you want Kung Fu Panda... - I just want my margarita.

kung margarita panda

↓

Why do we have this? What is this?

↓

Dude, where the hell have you been?

↓

Uh, slept in.

slept

↓

You slept in? It's, like, almost the middle of the night, man.

middle night slept

↓

Why were you sleeping in?

sleeping

↓

Oh, God. Well, because I drank three bottles of champagne

bottles champagne drank three three-bottles

↓

and hung out with a stray dog all night

hung night stray

↓

Can I please get, like, 20 margaritas so this bitch will listen to my kid joke?

bitch joke margaritas

↓

Okay, first of all, your jokes never land. All right?

jokes land

↓

So please don't concentrate on your comedy anymore.

anymore comedy concentrate

↓

'Cause it's terrible, all right? I'm sorry.

↓

I said it. Look, can we just do what we normally do?

normally

↓

I'm in over my head,

head

↓

I'm yelling at customers 'cause I'm getting a little agitated here.

agitated customers yelling

↓

Can Dennis please come here and do this? Where is Dennis?

dennis

↓

Dennis is in the bathroom, and he's been there for, like, an hour!

bathroom dennis hour

↓

Okay, company meeting in the bathroom. Okay, guys?

bathroom company company-meeting meeting

↓

Company meeting. Let's go.

company company-meeting meeting

↓

Dennis! Where are you, bud?

dennis

↓

Company meeting!

company company-meeting meeting

↓

Uh, I'm in here.

↓

All right. Good, man. Hop on out. Company meeting.

company company-meeting meeting

↓

- I don't want to. - You have to. It's a company meeting.

company company-meeting meeting

↓

- You have to... - No.

↓

Oh, no. No, no, don't bash. Don't bash.

bash

↓

I'll come out. I'll come out.

↓

Oh!

↓

Uh, I saw a couple gray hairs, and I was, like,

couple gray hairs

↓

"I'll eradicate those," and then...

↓

- With black paint? - Well, just go easy on me. All right?

black easy paint

↓

Don't make fun of me or anything. I feel very sensitive right now.

fun sensitive

↓

It's hard to maintain all this.

hard maintain

↓

You look like Superman.

superman

↓

Oh, cool. Yeah, right on. Well, he was the original, right? So...

cool original

↓

- The original what? - Superhero.

original superhero

↓

- He was, like... - Is that what you're going for?

↓

- No. - Dude, come on!

↓

It wouldn't be that obvious, like, if you didn't know me.

obvious

↓

You'd be, "Oh, shit. Maybe that's Superman."

superman

↓

No, you wouldn't! Everyone knows who Superman is,

knows superman

↓

and they know it's not you!

↓

- Shit. Right. - Guys, come on!

↓

Clearly, success is starting to get to all of us!

starting success

↓

We can't be Superman!

superman

↓

Yeah, no shit. I'm running around like an animal out there.

animal running

↓

I mean, all I'm doing is serving drinks!

drinks serving

↓

You're supposed to serve drinks. You're a waitress.

drinks serve supposed waitress

↓

People need their drinks, and we need a waitress to serve those drinks!

drinks serve waitress

↓

Guys, don't change now. All right?

change

↓

We have a certain chemistry that got us here to begin with, all right?

begin certain chemistry

↓

We don't need to start...

start

↓

Aw, that's terrible!

↓

Let's just get back out there and step it up a little bit. Please?

step

↓

Let's just get back to work, man,

↓

- and do what we do. Okay? - You're not good.

↓

"Back to work.

↓

Back to work, everybody!

everybody

↓

I'm Charlie, and I'm in charge all of a sudden."

charge charlie sudden

↓

Are you eating in there?

eating

↓

Uh, yeah.

↓

I got some doughnuts and some M&M's and some, uh, chips.

chips doughnuts

↓

I could pass them through if you want some.

pass

↓

You aren't allowed to eat in here!

allowed

↓

I'm sorry, Father. I have enough.

father

↓

If you want a doughnut, I could give you one.

doughnut

↓

You better put that away

↓

or come back when you're finished.

finished

↓

Okay. I'm done. Done.

↓

Uh, so Charlie was up all night working,

charlie night working

↓

and Frank kept coming up with plans, and they were not good.

coming frank plans

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

Oh, my God. It's morning already, huh?

morning

↓

Ow!

↓

Hey, that's good.

↓

- You wanna do that to people? - What is that? What are you doing?

↓

It's a plan. We'll do it to people. We'll go around...

plan

↓

Look at that. Look at the look on your face. That's so good!

face

↓

Frank, I don't even think you know what a plan is, dude.

frank plan

↓

All right, I got something else I've been working on all night.

night working

↓

Come on. Come with me. Lock up. Let's go.

lock

↓

- Don't hit me with the stick again. - Come with me.

stick

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Okay, Charlie? All right, look at this now.

charlie

↓

- I put two extra stop signs. - Yeah.

extra signs

↓

- Now there's four stop signs. - All right.

four signs

↓

So no cars can go.

cars

↓

Frank, you've just created a four-way intersection.

created four frank intersection

↓

If anything, you've made this intersection safer.

intersection safer

↓

No shit.

↓

Oh.

↓

Look, dude, I don't have time for these shenanigans.

shenanigans

↓

All right? I need sleep.

sleep

↓

I'm a success now. I'm trying so hard not to tip.

hard success

↓

- Ow! - You need sleep?

sleep

↓

Stop hitting me with the stick, dude.

hitting stick

↓

- This is the plan. - I swear to God.

plan swear

↓

- This is the one we should have done. - Don't hit me with that anymore.

anymore

↓

That was the one.

↓

You little bitch!

bitch

↓

And Charlie was, like, "I'm gonna jam that stick up your ass!"

charlie stick

↓

And then Frank was, like, "Come here, you little bitch! Goddamn it!"

bitch frank goddamn goddamn-it

↓

You don't need to repeat all of the obscene language.

language repeat

↓

Oh. I'm sorry, Father. I...

father

↓

I got lost in the moment

lost moment

↓

because I'm a natural storyteller.

natural

↓

Anyway, I was being super prudent.

super

↓

And I was mapping out my successful lifestyle...

lifestyle successful

↓

you know, champagne, sailing.

champagne sailing

↓

I've always wanted to sail.

sail wanted

↓

I was really the only one who was handling the success

handling success

↓

with class, to be honest with you,

class honest

↓

and when Dee interrupted me

interrupted

↓

with some lazy plan to get out of working.

lazy plan working

↓

- Lazy's a sin, right? - Uh, you mean sloth?

sloth

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dee is guilty of sloth.

guilty sloth

↓

And she's pro-abortion.

abortion

↓

Hey. Okay, listen to this.

↓

One sec.

↓

Just picking out the places I want to avoid when I sail across the world.

avoid picking places sail world

↓

- No Africa for you, huh? - No.

africa

↓

I don't want to go to any poor places, you know.

places poor

↓

Successful guy like myself, I'll have a target on my back.

successful target

↓

Right.

↓

- So, I guess that's, uh... - Okay. Well...

↓

- And, uh, too cold. - Yeah.

cold

↓

Ugh. Too violent. Yeah, it's hot down there.

violent

↓

- Too angry. - Oh, the whole thing.

angry whole

↓

Just gonna sail around the United States is what it looks like. That's all...

sail states united united-states

↓

Uh, well, I probably want to avoid, like, this.

avoid

↓

Yeah. I don't blame you for that.

blame

↓

- And I don't know what happens out here. - Okay, I tell you what.

happens

↓

Uh, while you were planning all of this,

planning

↓

I came up with an amazing idea

amazing idea

↓

that's gonna save everything for us.

save

↓

You ready for this?

ready

↓

We get ourselves replacements.

↓

- That's not a very good idea. - Well, stay with me.

idea

↓

They're not just any replacements.

↓

They'll be the total embodiment of us in looks and personality,

personality total

↓

so that we maintain the same group chemistry and avoid tipping.

avoid chemistry group maintain tipping

↓

- So they'll be like our avatars? - Sure, if that helps you.

helps

↓

- Let's tell Dennis. - Okay, yeah.

dennis

↓

Hey, hey, hey, Dennis, wake up.

dennis wake

↓

I'm not sleeping.

sleeping

↓

What are you doing? Why are you hiding under the covers?

covers hiding

↓

Mmm.

↓

My God!

↓

Do I look foolish?

foolish

↓

Well, what in God's name have you done to your face?

face gods gods-name name

↓

I got a chemical peel.

chemical peel

↓

You look like a monster, dude.

monster

↓

I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me.

expectations live

↓

What expectations?

expectations

↓

Physical perfection.

perfection physical

↓

What?

↓

Clearly, the success of the bar has proved

proved success

↓

that I have achieved physical perfection.

achieved perfection physical

↓

And now there's nowhere else for me to go

↓

but down from here.

↓

So now I'm hanging on by a thread.

hanging thread

↓

Why don't you lay off the skin treatments for a while?

skin treatments

↓

Yeah, yeah.

↓

Oh. You don't think I should mess with my face anymore?

anymore face mess

↓

Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.

face mask wearing

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - Not a good one?

↓

- Not a nice mask of myself? - Not a good one.

mask

↓

Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?

mask normal

↓

- Oh, my God. - And if there was, would you guys wear it?

wear

↓

- What is happening? - I'm very confused.

confused

↓

I'm going to be alone.

alone

↓

Okay.

↓

And without Dennis to shit all over Dee's ideas with me,

dees dennis ideas

↓

I was lured into her very lazy, slothy, sinful avatar plan.

avatar lazy lured plan

↓

Mmm. I got to say, I like what I'm seeing here.

seeing

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah, let me, uh...

↓

Let me just fill you in on what we're doing here.

fill

↓

See, Mac and I run the hottest bar in Philadelphia,

hottest philadelphia

↓

and we are looking for a couple of employees to fill our shoes, literally.

couple employees fill looking shoes

↓

Mmm. That said, there's a set of dumbbells to your feet there.

feet

↓

I'd like you to lift those and curl them, but don't do it in a normal way.

curl lift normal

↓

- Now, this is for a bartending job, right? - Yeah.

bartending

↓

Yeah, this is all part of it. Now, get to work, beefcake.

beefcake part

↓

Okay.

↓

Guess I can fire off a couple reverse curls.

couple curls fire reverse

↓

He said "Fire off." I like that.

fire

↓

- Yeah, I heard him. - I like that. Look...

heard

↓

Look at that. Excellent!

excellent

↓

Oh, man! He executed those perfectly.

executed perfectly

↓

Knows exactly what I'm talking about.

knows

↓

I'd like to fast-track him, Dee. He's perfect.

fast perfect track

↓

What? For you?

↓

- Yeah, of course. - What do... He looks nothing like you.

course

↓

Well, no. I mean, since we've been working,

working

↓

I've been neglecting my fitness regimen. He understands.

fitness regimen understands

↓

No, no, no, no. You never, ever once in your life have looked like that.

life looked

↓

When I leave the gym, and I have a full pump...

full pump

↓

Yeah?

↓

Dee was right though.

↓

For me to use that gorgeous muscle monster as my avatar,

avatar gorgeous monster muscle

↓

I had to put on some serious bulk.

bulk serious

↓

So did you go to the gym?

↓

The gym?

↓

Father, when Peter did the statue of David,

david father peter statue

↓

he wasn't just hammering at pebbles.

hammering

↓

First, he ordered the Jews

jews ordered

↓

to bring him a massive slab of marble.

bring marble massive slab

↓

Okay. Let's wrap this up.

wrap

↓

Right. Okay, so Charlie was working his ass off.

charlie working

↓

Uh, but the customers were getting just as frustrated as he was.

customers frustrated

↓

Clearly, the pressures of success

pressures success

↓

were cracking both he and Dennis.

cracking dennis

↓

Hang on a second. Hang on a second.

hang second

↓

I got this guy. I got my man right here.

↓

You're the one who wanted the, uh, two Coors Lights

coors lights wanted

↓

and the gin and tonic. Is that right?

tonic

↓

No. I've been waiting half an hour for a Jack and coke.

coke half hour jack waiting

↓

You've been waiting half an hour? You've been waiting half an hour?

half hour waiting

↓

Well, with an attitude like that, you can wait another half an hour, buddy.

another another-half attitude buddy half hour

↓

Hey, this drink tastes like bleach.

bleach drink tastes

↓

Because I'm dipping them in bleach so that I can clean them faster.

bleach clean dipping faster

↓

I don't have time to wash every single glass.

glass single wash

↓

I dip it in bleach! Then it's clean!

bleach clean

↓

- I'm not drinking bleach. - Then get out of my bar!

bleach drinking

↓

Get out of my bar!

↓

I don't want to see you! Is that your buddy?

buddy

↓

- You go with him! - No. I don't even know him.

↓

You don't even know him! Okay, well,

↓

become friends on your walk home!

become friends home walk walk-home

↓

Get out!

↓

- Unbelievable. - What's going on, man?

unbelievable

↓

What's going on, dude, is that I'm completely overwhelmed.

completely completely-overwhelmed overwhelmed

↓

I suck at bartending! I'm going crazy!

bartending crazy suck

↓

Everyone's yelling at me!

everyones yelling

↓

They're getting all pissed off!

pissed

↓

Why is your face shiny?

face shiny

↓

I had my skin peeled off with chemicals.

chemicals peeled skin

↓

- Yeah? - Want to know why?

↓

- Not really. - Well, it's just, uh,

↓

you know, I've created a level of success for myself that, uh...

created level success

↓

I just don't know if I can live up to it anymore, man.

anymore live

↓

My level of excellence is so high

excellence level

↓

that I'm feeling the pressures, man.

feeling pressures

↓

Dude, I'm operating at such an excellent level. It's insane.

excellent insane level operating

↓

You know, I'm running at a 10 of excellence,

excellence running

↓

and I'm used to being at whatever number.

number used

↓

I don't even want to be at, like, somewhere lower. But whatever.

lower

↓

The point is that I'm not going to let the bar down.

point

↓

You know what I mean?

↓

Hey, being on the tipping point is about working hard

hard point tipping working working-hard

↓

and caring about that work and really giving it your all.

caring giving

↓

Let's get high in the back office.

office

↓

- Let's get high and drop all this, right? - Yeah.

drop

↓

Yeah.

↓

Deandra, you got to...

deandra

↓

All you have to do is hold the pigeon.

pigeon

↓

I stick the M-80 under its wing. I blow it up.

blow stick wing

↓

No, Frank. I'm not gonna help you detonate a pigeon.

detonate frank pigeon

↓

That would be terrible publicity for a young comedienne.

publicity young

↓

Well, you don't have to do anything.

↓

I just stick... We stick the pigeon in there, we run,

pigeon stick

↓

the flock blows up, we got a lot of tasty meat.

blows flock meat tasty

↓

Hold on, hold on.

↓

- We've got a pigeon feast! - Shut up! Shut up! What's going on?

feast pigeon

↓

Where is everyone? I have all kinds

kinds

↓

- of new bits and no audience. - Oh, shit.

audience bits

↓

Maybe we tipped too soon.

tipped

↓

No. No! I was just starting to get a taste of success.

starting success taste

↓

I need more.

↓

- What's that? - Music.

music

↓

- Coming from the back. - Back here?

coming

↓

What?

↓

Hey! What the hell are you dick bags doing back here?

bags dick

↓

The bar is completely empty!

completely completely-empty empty

↓

I'm watching Charlie do his thing, and it's good, man.

charlie watching

↓

It's, like, good.

↓

It looks like we did tip, Deandra.

deandra

↓

We might as well sin and get high.

might

↓

I mean, I'm a sinner too, right?

sinner

↓

- Oh, Mac's the best! Isn't he? - Oh, I love him.

best love macs

↓

Also, I'm pro-abortion, so I'm probably going straight to hell.

abortion straight

↓

Ho-ho! And I got fat. I'm much fatter than Mac!

fatter

↓

- You're so fat, and, uh... - Oh, big, fat, big, fat.

↓

Big, fat titties. Big, fat ass.

titties

↓

You got big, fat titties. And I like to kill babies.

babies kill titties

↓

Unborn babies.

babies unborn

↓

I'm not exactly sure

↓

how that conversation went, but I imagine

conversation imagine

↓

it was along those lines.

along lines

↓

The point is, six weeks later, they dropped a bomb on me.

bomb dropped point weeks

↓

We're not idiots. Of course I'm going to take the precaution

course idiots precaution

↓

of boiling the blood

blood boiling

↓

- before I use it. - That goes without saying.

↓

It doesn't matter if you boil it, Charlie.

boil charlie matter

↓

You can't... You can't replace Frank's blood

blood franks replace

↓

with bags of blood that you found behind a hospital.

bags behind blood found hospital

↓

- But wait, wait... - It just won't work.

↓

Dennis, he's not going to replace my blood.

blood dennis replace

↓

He's going to add to it to make me more virile.

↓

I'm just pumping more in.

pumping

↓

So you're just gonna be bursting at the seams with blood?

blood

↓

- Yeah! - Oh, yeah.

↓

Hey-o! What's up, bitches?

bitches

↓

I did it. I'm 200 pounds.

pounds

↓

- I'm as big as my avatar. - What's an avatar?

avatar

↓

You know, the avatar that we're going to get

avatar

↓

to do all of our work for us,

↓

so I can go sailing and Dee can tell her stupid jokes.

jokes sailing stupid

↓

And Dennis can pour more acid on his face.

acid dennis face pour

↓

Are we still doing that?

↓

No. We gave that plan up a really long time ago.

plan

↓

Is that why you've been stuffing your face for six weeks?

face stuffing weeks

↓

Yeah! I've been trying to get as big as my avatar, so we don't tip.

avatar

↓

Dude, that was, like, a million plans ago.

million plans

↓

All of us, including you,

including

↓

we've been engaged in many other plans and schemes

engaged plans schemes

↓

since then. Where have you been?

↓

- You guys dropped the tipping point? - Yeah.

dropped point tipping

↓

I thought we were just putting it on the back burner

burner putting

↓

until I hit two hundo.

↓

Why do you think we've been calling you fat this entire time?

calling entire

↓

Why wouldn't somebody tell me that we dropped the plan?

dropped plan somebody

↓

Stop chewing on food and start thinking about

chewing food start start-thinking thinking

↓

what's going on in the bar and in your life!

life

↓

Don't make fun of me, okay?

fun

↓

I'm busting my ass out there trying to do the avatar plan,

avatar busting plan

↓

and now you guys are laughing at me!

laughing

↓

But you have candy coming out of your pocket!

candy coming pocket

↓

I was hungry! I was hungry!

hungry

↓

Don't laugh at me!

laugh

↓

- Don't laugh at me! - "Don't laugh at me!"

laugh

↓

He can't do it!

↓

- What are you doing? - Is he trying to rip his shirt off?

shirt

↓

You guys are going to hell! Okay?

↓

You guys are going to hell! Don't laugh at me!

laugh

↓

- Don't laugh at me! - "Don't laugh at me!"

laugh

↓

And that's it. So now you understand.

↓

I understand none of it.

↓

Father, my friends totally boned me.

boned father friends

↓

They became successful, egotistical monsters.

became monsters successful

↓

They forced me into this avatar thing,

avatar forced

↓

and now they're totally ditching the plan.

ditching plan

↓

But it's all about the avatar. The beefcake avatar.

avatar beefcake

↓

But you weren't gonna understand that

↓

unless I told you the whole story.

story whole whole-story

↓

I'm going to be perfectly honest.

honest perfectly perfectly-honest

↓

I still don't know what you want me to do.

↓

Okay, um, let me start at the beginning,

beginning start

↓

- because clearly you didn't understand it. - No, no, no!

↓

No, no, no. That won't be necessary.

necessary

↓

If, uh...

↓

If I smite your friends and absolve you, will you leave?

friends smite

↓

Yeah.

↓

You're absolved, and your friends are smited.

friends

↓

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Please leave.

father holy holy-spirit name spirit

↓

Okay, great.

↓

Oh, um, when should I see the results?

results

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

When does the spell kick in?

kick spell

↓

When is God gonna shed some of this weight for me?

shed weight

↓

Six weeks.

weeks

↓

Great. Not hard. Perfect.

hard perfect

↓

Uh, glory unto You, ghost man in the sky,

ghost glory unto

↓

that created us all and predetermines everything.

created

↓

I'll see you in six weeks.

weeks