Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E10 — How Mac Got Fat

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 10 — How Mac Got Fat

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

#1

⇓

It's been one week since my last confession.

#2

⇓

Okay, my son.

#3

⇓

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

#4

⇓

what is your confession?

#5

⇓

I'm fat.

#6

⇓

I command thee to smite my friends!

#8

⇓

Let's try and remain composed.

#10

⇓

Okay, Father, I'll try, but I can't promise anything

#11

⇓

'cause I'm pretty excitable.

#12

⇓

How did your friends make you fat?

#14

⇓

Were they force-feeding you?

#15

⇓

Well, no, not exactly.

#16

⇓

and then they became monsters,

#18

⇓

which in turn made them make me fat.

#19

⇓

So, really, I'd like to confess on them,

#20

⇓

because they're sinners and pricks.

#21

⇓

Son,

#22

⇓

I don't think you understand the purpose of confession.

#23

⇓

Right. All right.

#24

⇓

Sorry, Father. You need the context.

#25

⇓

Let me start at the beginning.

#26

⇓

Now, my friends and I own and operate a bar

#27

⇓

in South Philly, and a few weeks ago,

#28

⇓

we became more successful than we ever have before.

#29

⇓

Oh, oh, oh!

#31

⇓

Look who's back!

#32

⇓

I scored a shitload of fireworks.

#33

⇓

Out of my way, Frank.

#34

⇓

Oh. Hey.

#35

⇓

Whoa.

#36

⇓

North Carolina. What a hell of a state.

#37

⇓

Not now, Frank. We're packed.

#38

⇓

What the shit is going on around here?

#39

⇓

I really don't get it.

#40

⇓

I don't see how we're so popular now.

#41

⇓

I just can't wrap my head around this.

#42

⇓

Were we doing anything different?

#43

⇓

Guys, we may have tipped. Uh-oh.

#44

⇓

No, this is a good thing.

#45

⇓

This is what happens with success in business.

#46

⇓

Hmm?

#47

⇓

Okay, if you keep making the right decisions over time,

#48

⇓

eventually you will get to a point where you tip

#49

⇓

and you become successful.

#50

⇓

I totally... Like, check out this decision.

#52

⇓

I keep a very clean bar every day, very tidy.

#53

⇓

I think people respond to that.

#54

⇓

They say, "What was that clean bar I was at the other week?"

#55

⇓

And then they show up again.

#56

⇓

And then someone says, "Hey, did you see that clean bar? Let's go there."

#57

⇓

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my comedy, you know.

#58

⇓

All my... All my funny jokes and stuff that I throw out.

#59

⇓

and hilarious jabs I throw at the customers,

#62

⇓

and I add all that charm to the place.

#63

⇓

That's... That's probably doing it.

#64

⇓

Yeah, good-looking guy like myself,

#65

⇓

takes pride in his personal appearance,

#66

⇓

takes pride in his personal hygiene, has great hair.

#67

⇓

You know, you put a guy like that behind the bar,

#68

⇓

and people will eventually flock to this man.

#69

⇓

That... That's what you're saying, yeah.

#70

⇓

That's what you're saying.

#71

⇓

Sort of.

#72

⇓

- I didn't think it was... - Uh-huh.

#73

⇓

Look, the point is that we gotta keep doing what it is that we do.

#74

⇓

- Yes. - No matter how psychotically vain...

#75

⇓

- Right. - ...or needy and pathetic...

#76

⇓

- Yes. - ...or, I mean, just plain sad.

#77

⇓

- Right. - Well, let's not put labels on it,

#78

⇓

'cause we don't know which one is the one that is the most...

#79

⇓

- If we keep doing all of it... - Mmm-hmm.

#80

⇓

...then we will keep tipping up.

#81

⇓

- Yes. - Nice!

#82

⇓

In order to maintain this success,

#83

⇓

I do think though we need to get some rest.

#84

⇓

Let's do the right thing here for once in our lives,

#85

⇓

and let's go home and get a good night's sleep.

#86

⇓

But that sleep would never come, Father,

#87

⇓

because success was about to change everything.

#88

⇓

Hey, Charlie, you asleep?

#89

⇓

- Charlie. Are you asleep? - No... No!

#90

⇓

- I had a great idea. - I don't want to hear it.

#91

⇓

Frank, I'm a successful man now. Okay?

#92

⇓

I need to maintain a certain level of excellence,

#93

⇓

so I can't have you, like, telling me terrible ideas all night,

#94

⇓

'cause that brings me off my excellence, okay?

#95

⇓

- Okay, but this is a great idea. - I don't want to...

#96

⇓

We take... We take the M-80s that I have

#97

⇓

and we stick 'em in some lamb.

#98

⇓

And "Pa-chow!" We blow it up!

#99

⇓

What are you looking to do?

#100

⇓

Like, flash-cook a...

#101

⇓

a gyro sandwich?

#102

⇓

Yeah. That's a good idea.

#103

⇓

- Flash-cook a sandwich. - Oh, my God. Do you...

#104

⇓

Cook the meat immediately.

#105

⇓

I think what you're talking about is just a meat bomb.

#106

⇓

That's a waste of a good lamb.

#107

⇓

So if you're done with coming up with terrible ideas,

#108

⇓

um, I'm going to go back to bed.

#109

⇓

A meat bomb!

#110

⇓

You blow it up.

#111

⇓

I mean, like, just take the thing and stick it...

#112

⇓

I'm going to the crevice!

#113

⇓

No, no, no, no! Charlie! Don't go in the crevice.

#114

⇓

Charlie, don't go in the crevice.

#115

⇓

- I'm going in the crevice, Frank. - Come on, don't go in the crevice.

#116

⇓

Oh, come on, man.

#117

⇓

Oh, my God!

#118

⇓

Yello.

#119

⇓

MAC Hey-o. It's Mac. What's up?

#120

⇓

- Hey-o! 'Sup? - Yeah, I'm gonna go out and rage.

#121

⇓

- Is Charlie there? - Hey, it's Mac. He wants to go rage.

#122

⇓

I don't care. I'm in the crevice.

#123

⇓

- He's in the crevice. - Shit. He's in the crevice?

#124

⇓

I'll come out with you. We'll go out.

#125

⇓

You and me, we'll go together, we'll have a ball.

#126

⇓

Hello?

#127

⇓

I'm not seeing how this relates to your weight gain.

#128

⇓

Uh, I'm telling a story, Father.

#129

⇓

Frank's not a guy that usually comes up with plans.

#130

⇓

I mean, you want to know all the key players

#131

⇓

and how success affected them, right?

#132

⇓

Well, I think your time could be better spent

#133

⇓

if you focused more on yourself.

#134

⇓

But I haven't done very much wrong.

#135

⇓

Okay, you know what, Father? I'm just going to plow ahead.

#136

⇓

Because I'm sensing some resistance.

#137

⇓

And Dennis always tells me, never let someone's resistance

#138

⇓

stop you from getting what you want.

#139

⇓

So, the bar's success continued.

#140

⇓

But Dee's inflated ego about her comedy

#141

⇓

was keeping her from doing her job.

#142

⇓

Kids these days,

#143

⇓

they have so many more choices than we had when we were little.

#144

⇓

- Am I right? I mean, it's like... - Excuse me? Excuse me.

#145

⇓

Do you want to watch Kung Fu Panda on Blu-ray...

#146

⇓

Excuse me.

#147

⇓

- Oh, my God. Yeah? - We are still waiting on those beers.

#148

⇓

Yeah! I know.

#149

⇓

Right in the middle of a joke.

#150

⇓

And now where was I with it?

#151

⇓

Can, um, we get those margaritas that we ordered a while ago as well?

#152

⇓

- That'd be great. - Yeah. Can I finish the joke?

#153

⇓

'Cause the funny part comes at the end,

#154

⇓

- so you're going to miss it... - Right.

#155

⇓

- ...if you don't... - You keep trying to tell jokes...

#156

⇓

- Well, they're not really landing. - Oh! They're not landing

#158

⇓

because I'm not getting to the punch line,

#159

⇓

so if you could just be patient and let me get it out.

#160

⇓

- Kids these days... - Okay.

#161

⇓

- ...have so many more choices... - No, don't.

#162

⇓

Don't try to finish the joke. Don't try to finish the joke.

#163

⇓

I'm not gonna even listen. I just want my margarita.

#164

⇓

- Do you want Kung Fu Panda... - I just want my margarita.

#165

⇓

Why do we have this? What is this?

#167

⇓

Dude, where the hell have you been?

#168

⇓

Uh, slept in.

#169

⇓

You slept in? It's, like, almost the middle of the night, man.

#170

⇓

Why were you sleeping in?

#171

⇓

Oh, God. Well, because I drank three bottles of champagne

#172

⇓

and hung out with a stray dog all night

#173

⇓

Can I please get, like, 20 margaritas so this bitch will listen to my kid joke?

#175

⇓

Okay, first of all, your jokes never land. All right?

#176

⇓

So please don't concentrate on your comedy anymore.

#177

⇓

'Cause it's terrible, all right? I'm sorry.

#178

⇓

I said it. Look, can we just do what we normally do?

#179

⇓

I'm in over my head,

#181

⇓

I'm yelling at customers 'cause I'm getting a little agitated here.

#182

⇓

Can Dennis please come here and do this? Where is Dennis?

#183

⇓

Dennis is in the bathroom, and he's been there for, like, an hour!

#184

⇓

Okay, company meeting in the bathroom. Okay, guys?

#185

⇓

Company meeting. Let's go.

#186

⇓

Dennis! Where are you, bud?

#187

⇓

Company meeting!

#188

⇓

Uh, I'm in here.

#189

⇓

All right. Good, man. Hop on out. Company meeting.

#190

⇓

- I don't want to. - You have to. It's a company meeting.

#191

⇓

- You have to... - No.

#192

⇓

Oh, no. No, no, don't bash. Don't bash.

#194

⇓

I'll come out. I'll come out.

#195

⇓

Oh!

#196

⇓

Uh, I saw a couple gray hairs, and I was, like,

#197

⇓

"I'll eradicate those," and then...

#198

⇓

- With black paint? - Well, just go easy on me. All right?

#199

⇓

Don't make fun of me or anything. I feel very sensitive right now.

#200

⇓

It's hard to maintain all this.

#201

⇓

You look like Superman.

#202

⇓

Oh, cool. Yeah, right on. Well, he was the original, right? So...

#203

⇓

- The original what? - Superhero.

#204

⇓

- He was, like... - Is that what you're going for?

#205

⇓

- No. - Dude, come on!

#206

⇓

It wouldn't be that obvious, like, if you didn't know me.

#207

⇓

You'd be, "Oh, shit. Maybe that's Superman."

#208

⇓

No, you wouldn't! Everyone knows who Superman is,

#209

⇓

and they know it's not you!

#210

⇓

- Shit. Right. - Guys, come on!

#211

⇓

Clearly, success is starting to get to all of us!

#212

⇓

We can't be Superman!

#213

⇓

Yeah, no shit. I'm running around like an animal out there.

#214

⇓

I mean, all I'm doing is serving drinks!

#215

⇓

You're supposed to serve drinks. You're a waitress.

#216

⇓

People need their drinks, and we need a waitress to serve those drinks!

#217

⇓

Guys, don't change now. All right?

#218

⇓

We have a certain chemistry that got us here to begin with, all right?

#219

⇓

We don't need to start...

#220

⇓

Aw, that's terrible!

#221

⇓

Let's just get back out there and step it up a little bit. Please?

#222

⇓

Let's just get back to work, man,

#223

⇓

- and do what we do. Okay? - You're not good.

#224

⇓

"Back to work.

#225

⇓

Back to work, everybody!

#226

⇓

I'm Charlie, and I'm in charge all of a sudden."

#227

⇓

Are you eating in there?

#228

⇓

Uh, yeah.

#229

⇓

I got some doughnuts and some M&M's and some, uh, chips.

#230

⇓

I could pass them through if you want some.

#231

⇓

You aren't allowed to eat in here!

#232

⇓

I'm sorry, Father. I have enough.

#233

⇓

If you want a doughnut, I could give you one.

#234

⇓

You better put that away

#235

⇓

or come back when you're finished.

#236

⇓

Okay. I'm done. Done.

#237

⇓

Uh, so Charlie was up all night working,

#238

⇓

and Frank kept coming up with plans, and they were not good.

#239

⇓

Oh, shit.

#240

⇓

Oh, my God. It's morning already, huh?

#241

⇓

Ow!

#242

⇓

Hey, that's good.

#243

⇓

- You wanna do that to people? - What is that? What are you doing?

#244

⇓

It's a plan. We'll do it to people. We'll go around...

#245

⇓

Look at that. Look at the look on your face. That's so good!

#246

⇓

Frank, I don't even think you know what a plan is, dude.

#247

⇓

All right, I got something else I've been working on all night.

#248

⇓

Come on. Come with me. Lock up. Let's go.

#249

⇓

- Don't hit me with the stick again. - Come with me.

#250

⇓

Oh, my God.

#251

⇓

Okay, Charlie? All right, look at this now.

#252

⇓

- I put two extra stop signs. - Yeah.

#253

⇓

- Now there's four stop signs. - All right.

#254

⇓

So no cars can go.

#255

⇓

Frank, you've just created a four-way intersection.

#256

⇓

If anything, you've made this intersection safer.

#257

⇓

No shit.

#258

⇓

Oh.

#259

⇓

Look, dude, I don't have time for these shenanigans.

#260

⇓

All right? I need sleep.

#261

⇓

I'm a success now. I'm trying so hard not to tip.

#262

⇓

- Ow! - You need sleep?

#263

⇓

Stop hitting me with the stick, dude.

#264

⇓

- This is the plan. - I swear to God.

#265

⇓

- This is the one we should have done. - Don't hit me with that anymore.

#266

⇓

That was the one.

#267

⇓

You little bitch!

#268

⇓

And Charlie was, like, "I'm gonna jam that stick up your ass!"

#269

⇓

And then Frank was, like, "Come here, you little bitch! Goddamn it!"

#270

⇓

You don't need to repeat all of the obscene language.

#271

⇓

Oh. I'm sorry, Father. I...

#272

⇓

I got lost in the moment

#273

⇓

because I'm a natural storyteller.

#274

⇓

Anyway, I was being super prudent.

#275

⇓

And I was mapping out my successful lifestyle...

#276

⇓

you know, champagne, sailing.

#277

⇓

I've always wanted to sail.

#278

⇓

I was really the only one who was handling the success

#279

⇓

with class, to be honest with you,

#280

⇓

and when Dee interrupted me

#281

⇓

with some lazy plan to get out of working.

#282

⇓

- Lazy's a sin, right? - Uh, you mean sloth?

#283

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dee is guilty of sloth.

#284

⇓

And she's pro-abortion.

#285

⇓

Hey. Okay, listen to this.

#286

⇓

One sec.

#287

⇓

Just picking out the places I want to avoid when I sail across the world.

#288

⇓

- No Africa for you, huh? - No.

#289

⇓

I don't want to go to any poor places, you know.

#290

⇓

Successful guy like myself, I'll have a target on my back.

#291

⇓

Right.

#292

⇓

- So, I guess that's, uh... - Okay. Well...

#293

⇓

- And, uh, too cold. - Yeah.

#294

⇓

Ugh. Too violent. Yeah, it's hot down there.

#295

⇓

- Too angry. - Oh, the whole thing.

#296

⇓

Just gonna sail around the United States is what it looks like. That's all...

#297

⇓

Uh, well, I probably want to avoid, like, this.

#298

⇓

Yeah. I don't blame you for that.

#299

⇓

- And I don't know what happens out here. - Okay, I tell you what.

#300

⇓

Uh, while you were planning all of this,

#301

⇓

I came up with an amazing idea

#302

⇓

that's gonna save everything for us.

#303

⇓

You ready for this?

#304

⇓

We get ourselves replacements.

#305

⇓

- That's not a very good idea. - Well, stay with me.

#306

⇓

They're not just any replacements.

#307

⇓

They'll be the total embodiment of us in looks and personality,

#308

⇓

so that we maintain the same group chemistry and avoid tipping.

#309

⇓

- So they'll be like our avatars? - Sure, if that helps you.

#310

⇓

- Let's tell Dennis. - Okay, yeah.

#311

⇓

Hey, hey, hey, Dennis, wake up.

#312

⇓

I'm not sleeping.

#313

⇓

What are you doing? Why are you hiding under the covers?

#314

⇓

Mmm.

#315

⇓

My God!

#316

⇓

Do I look foolish?

#317

⇓

Well, what in God's name have you done to your face?

#318

⇓

I got a chemical peel.

#319

⇓

You look like a monster, dude.

#320

⇓

I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me.

#321

⇓

What expectations?

#322

⇓

Physical perfection.

#323

⇓

What?

#324

⇓

Clearly, the success of the bar has proved

#325

⇓

that I have achieved physical perfection.

#326

⇓

And now there's nowhere else for me to go

#327

⇓

but down from here.

#328

⇓

So now I'm hanging on by a thread.

#329

⇓

Why don't you lay off the skin treatments for a while?

#330

⇓

Yeah, yeah.

#331

⇓

Oh. You don't think I should mess with my face anymore?

#332

⇓

Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.

#333

⇓

- Mmm-hmm. - Not a good one?

#334

⇓

- Not a nice mask of myself? - Not a good one.

#335

⇓

Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?

#336

⇓

- Oh, my God. - And if there was, would you guys wear it?

#337

⇓

- What is happening? - I'm very confused.

#338

⇓

I'm going to be alone.

#339

⇓

Okay.

#340

⇓

And without Dennis to shit all over Dee's ideas with me,

#341

⇓

I was lured into her very lazy, slothy, sinful avatar plan.

#342

⇓

Mmm. I got to say, I like what I'm seeing here.

#343

⇓

- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah, let me, uh...

#344

⇓

Let me just fill you in on what we're doing here.

#345

⇓

See, Mac and I run the hottest bar in Philadelphia,

#346

⇓

and we are looking for a couple of employees to fill our shoes, literally.

#347

⇓

Mmm. That said, there's a set of dumbbells to your feet there.

#348

⇓

I'd like you to lift those and curl them, but don't do it in a normal way.

#349

⇓

- Now, this is for a bartending job, right? - Yeah.

#350

⇓

Yeah, this is all part of it. Now, get to work, beefcake.

#351

⇓

Okay.

#352

⇓

Guess I can fire off a couple reverse curls.

#353

⇓

He said "Fire off." I like that.

#354

⇓

- Yeah, I heard him. - I like that. Look...

#355

⇓

Look at that. Excellent!

#356

⇓

Oh, man! He executed those perfectly.

#357

⇓

Knows exactly what I'm talking about.

#358

⇓

I'd like to fast-track him, Dee. He's perfect.

#359

⇓

What? For you?

#360

⇓

- Yeah, of course. - What do... He looks nothing like you.

#361

⇓

Well, no. I mean, since we've been working,

#362

⇓

I've been neglecting my fitness regimen. He understands.

#363

⇓

No, no, no, no. You never, ever once in your life have looked like that.

#364

⇓

When I leave the gym, and I have a full pump...

#365

⇓

Yeah?

#366

⇓

Dee was right though.

#367

⇓

For me to use that gorgeous muscle monster as my avatar,

#368

⇓

I had to put on some serious bulk.

#369

⇓

So did you go to the gym?

#370

⇓

The gym?

#371

⇓

Father, when Peter did the statue of David,

#372

⇓

he wasn't just hammering at pebbles.

#373

⇓

First, he ordered the Jews

#374

⇓

to bring him a massive slab of marble.

#375

⇓

Okay. Let's wrap this up.

#376

⇓

Right. Okay, so Charlie was working his ass off.

#377

⇓

Uh, but the customers were getting just as frustrated as he was.

#378

⇓

Clearly, the pressures of success

#379

⇓

were cracking both he and Dennis.

#380

⇓

Hang on a second. Hang on a second.

#381

⇓

I got this guy. I got my man right here.

#382

⇓

You're the one who wanted the, uh, two Coors Lights

#383

⇓

and the gin and tonic. Is that right?

#384

⇓

No. I've been waiting half an hour for a Jack and coke.

#385

⇓

You've been waiting half an hour? You've been waiting half an hour?

#386

⇓

Well, with an attitude like that, you can wait another half an hour, buddy.

#387

⇓

Hey, this drink tastes like bleach.

#388

⇓

Because I'm dipping them in bleach so that I can clean them faster.

#389

⇓

I don't have time to wash every single glass.

#390

⇓

I dip it in bleach! Then it's clean!

#391

⇓

- I'm not drinking bleach. - Then get out of my bar!

#392

⇓

Get out of my bar!

#393

⇓

I don't want to see you! Is that your buddy?

#394

⇓

- You go with him! - No. I don't even know him.

#395

⇓

You don't even know him! Okay, well,

#396

⇓

become friends on your walk home!

#397

⇓

Get out!

#398

⇓

- Unbelievable. - What's going on, man?

#399

⇓

What's going on, dude, is that I'm completely overwhelmed.

#400

⇓

I suck at bartending! I'm going crazy!

#401

⇓

Everyone's yelling at me!

#402

⇓

They're getting all pissed off!

#403

⇓

Why is your face shiny?

#404

⇓

I had my skin peeled off with chemicals.

#405

⇓

- Yeah? - Want to know why?

#406

⇓

- Not really. - Well, it's just, uh,

#407

⇓

you know, I've created a level of success for myself that, uh...

#408

⇓

I just don't know if I can live up to it anymore, man.

#409

⇓

My level of excellence is so high

#410

⇓

that I'm feeling the pressures, man.

#411

⇓

Dude, I'm operating at such an excellent level. It's insane.

#412

⇓

You know, I'm running at a 10 of excellence,

#413

⇓

and I'm used to being at whatever number.

#414

⇓

I don't even want to be at, like, somewhere lower. But whatever.

#415

⇓

The point is that I'm not going to let the bar down.

#416

⇓

You know what I mean?

#417

⇓

Hey, being on the tipping point is about working hard

#418

⇓

and caring about that work and really giving it your all.

#419

⇓

Let's get high in the back office.

#420

⇓

- Let's get high and drop all this, right? - Yeah.

#421

⇓

Yeah.

#422

⇓

Deandra, you got to...

#423

⇓

All you have to do is hold the pigeon.

#424

⇓

I stick the M-80 under its wing. I blow it up.

#425

⇓

No, Frank. I'm not gonna help you detonate a pigeon.

#426

⇓

That would be terrible publicity for a young comedienne.

#427

⇓

Well, you don't have to do anything.

#428

⇓

I just stick... We stick the pigeon in there, we run,

#429

⇓

the flock blows up, we got a lot of tasty meat.

#430

⇓

Hold on, hold on.

#431

⇓

- We've got a pigeon feast! - Shut up! Shut up! What's going on?

#432

⇓

Where is everyone? I have all kinds

#433

⇓

- of new bits and no audience. - Oh, shit.

#434

⇓

Maybe we tipped too soon.

#435

⇓

No. No! I was just starting to get a taste of success.

#436

⇓

I need more.

#437

⇓

- What's that? - Music.

#438

⇓

- Coming from the back. - Back here?

#439

⇓

What?

#440

⇓

Hey! What the hell are you dick bags doing back here?

#441

⇓

The bar is completely empty!

#442

⇓

I'm watching Charlie do his thing, and it's good, man.

#443

⇓

It's, like, good.

#444

⇓

It looks like we did tip, Deandra.

#445

⇓

We might as well sin and get high.

#446

⇓

I mean, I'm a sinner too, right?

#447

⇓

- Oh, Mac's the best! Isn't he? - Oh, I love him.

#448

⇓

Also, I'm pro-abortion, so I'm probably going straight to hell.

#449

⇓

Ho-ho! And I got fat. I'm much fatter than Mac!

#450

⇓

- You're so fat, and, uh... - Oh, big, fat, big, fat.

#451

⇓

Big, fat titties. Big, fat ass.

#452

⇓

You got big, fat titties. And I like to kill babies.

#453

⇓

Unborn babies.

#454

⇓

I'm not exactly sure

#455

⇓

how that conversation went, but I imagine

#456

⇓

it was along those lines.

#457

⇓

The point is, six weeks later, they dropped a bomb on me.

#458

⇓

We're not idiots. Of course I'm going to take the precaution

#459

⇓

of boiling the blood

#460

⇓

- before I use it. - That goes without saying.

#461

⇓

It doesn't matter if you boil it, Charlie.

#462

⇓

You can't... You can't replace Frank's blood

#463

⇓

with bags of blood that you found behind a hospital.

#464

⇓

- But wait, wait... - It just won't work.

#465

⇓

Dennis, he's not going to replace my blood.

#466

⇓

He's going to add to it to make me more virile.

#467

⇓

I'm just pumping more in.

#468

⇓

So you're just gonna be bursting at the seams with blood?

#469

⇓

- Yeah! - Oh, yeah.

#470

⇓

Hey-o! What's up, bitches?

#471

⇓

I did it. I'm 200 pounds.

#472

⇓

- I'm as big as my avatar. - What's an avatar?

#473

⇓

You know, the avatar that we're going to get

#474

⇓

to do all of our work for us,

#475

⇓

so I can go sailing and Dee can tell her stupid jokes.

#476

⇓

And Dennis can pour more acid on his face.

#477

⇓

Are we still doing that?

#478

⇓

No. We gave that plan up a really long time ago.

#479

⇓

Is that why you've been stuffing your face for six weeks?

#480

⇓

Yeah! I've been trying to get as big as my avatar, so we don't tip.

#481

⇓

Dude, that was, like, a million plans ago.

#482

⇓

All of us, including you,

#483

⇓

we've been engaged in many other plans and schemes

#484

⇓

since then. Where have you been?

#485

⇓

- You guys dropped the tipping point? - Yeah.

#486

⇓

I thought we were just putting it on the back burner

#487

⇓

until I hit two hundo.

#488

⇓

Why do you think we've been calling you fat this entire time?

#489

⇓

Why wouldn't somebody tell me that we dropped the plan?

#490

⇓

Stop chewing on food and start thinking about

#491

⇓

what's going on in the bar and in your life!

#492

⇓

Don't make fun of me, okay?

#493

⇓

I'm busting my ass out there trying to do the avatar plan,

#494

⇓

and now you guys are laughing at me!

#495

⇓

But you have candy coming out of your pocket!

#496

⇓

I was hungry! I was hungry!

#497

⇓

Don't laugh at me!

#498

⇓

- Don't laugh at me! - "Don't laugh at me!"

#499

⇓

He can't do it!

#500

⇓

- What are you doing? - Is he trying to rip his shirt off?

#501

⇓

You guys are going to hell! Okay?

#502

⇓

You guys are going to hell! Don't laugh at me!

#503

⇓

- Don't laugh at me! - "Don't laugh at me!"

#504

⇓

And that's it. So now you understand.

#505

⇓

I understand none of it.

#506

⇓

Father, my friends totally boned me.

#507

⇓

They became successful, egotistical monsters.

#508

⇓

They forced me into this avatar thing,

#509

⇓

and now they're totally ditching the plan.

#510

⇓

But it's all about the avatar. The beefcake avatar.

#511

⇓

But you weren't gonna understand that

#512

⇓

unless I told you the whole story.

#513

⇓

I'm going to be perfectly honest.

#514

⇓

I still don't know what you want me to do.

#515

⇓

Okay, um, let me start at the beginning,

#516

⇓

- because clearly you didn't understand it. - No, no, no!

#517

⇓

No, no, no. That won't be necessary.

#518

⇓

If, uh...

#519

⇓

If I smite your friends and absolve you, will you leave?

#520

⇓

Yeah.

#521

⇓

You're absolved, and your friends are smited.

#522

⇓

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Please leave.

#523

⇓

Okay, great.

#524

⇓

Oh, um, when should I see the results?

#525

⇓

What are you talking about?

#526

⇓

When does the spell kick in?

#527

⇓

When is God gonna shed some of this weight for me?

#528

⇓

Six weeks.

#529

⇓

Great. Not hard. Perfect.

#530

⇓

Uh, glory unto You, ghost man in the sky,

#531

⇓

that created us all and predetermines everything.

#532

⇓

I'll see you in six weeks.

#533

⇓