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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S04E02 — The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis
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Season 4, Episode 2 — The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis
MAC: How are we supposed to scale back our energy costs
#1
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when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
#2
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DENNIS: Since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator
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nstead of... - About a week ago.
#4
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- Why would you do that? - Because electricity's expensive.
#5
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So, I figured let's get a generator and run the bar on it.
#6
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Gasoline's a thousand times more expensive than electricity.
#7
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You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay?
#8
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You're not the decision-making type.
#9
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(scoffs) I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
#11
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I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
#12
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I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
#13
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- You're the looks. - Of course I'm the looks.
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But I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
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You're the looks. I'm the brains. Charlie's the wild card.
#16
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- That's awesome. - That's the classic setup.
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You know this, no?
#18
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Every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic.
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Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it.
#20
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"The A-Team" did it.
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"Scooby-Doo" did it. The "Ghostbusters" did it.
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- Shit. - Yes. Right?
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Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format,
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and it gets us into trouble. - So, by breaking from that format,
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we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful
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as those organizations. - You're totally right, dude.
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Great. On to the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass
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by the oil companies and the gas companies
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with their 10-gallon hats and their rotten, ass-plowing hearts.
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As the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
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- Lay it on us, bud. - It involves
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pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses,
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and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow!
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- Not gay sex. - Okay.
#35
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'Cause that's what it sounded like.
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- We're gonna solve the gas crisis. CHARLIE: Good.
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Charlie, the plan is simple.
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- Is it? - Yes.
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We go to a bank. We talk to a loan officer.
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We get a hefty loan to buy a bunch of gasoline.
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We take that gasoline. We store it in the basement.
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We wait a few months. When the gas prices skyrocket,
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we sell it, make a huge profit. - Yeah.
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If the guy doesn't seem like he's going for it,
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I'll show him this big-breasted-women chart.
#46
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- And that'll win him over. - I'm sure it will. That's great,
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and the plan's actually pretty great.
#48
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The problem I'm having with it is that I don't have anything to do.
#49
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No. You do have something to do. You're the wild card.
#50
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- That's... - You set the tone for the meeting.
#52
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So, if I'm there while you guys are talking, I'm just, like...
#53
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- That's terrible. - That was my wild-card face.
#54
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What message are you trying to send with that?
#55
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What? Was it not a good one? So what if it's more like...
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You want 'em to think you're gonna take a dump, or...
#57
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- That's what that looks like? - I don't know what message you...
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- Man... You're forcing it. - Oh, my God.
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- You're forcing it. - I better look in a mirror,
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'cause I don't know what I'm doing, and what it looks like,
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feel like two different things. - The brains. I'm gonna supervise,
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'cause there's no way he should be making this decision.
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I'm gonna draw another woman.
#64
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It looks very much like a rape van to me.
#66
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- Dennis, you gotta look at this. - What is this?
#67
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Bruce Mathis is about to give away all of Mom's money.
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DENNIS: What are you talking about? DEE: In two days,
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some Muslim cultural center is about to get a check made out of our cash.
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- And we gotta get that back. FRANK: Listen.
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This jamoke is giving our money to terrorists.
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And we gotta prove it.
#73
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Mom gave all of our money to Bruce. You were never gonna get it anyway.
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No. I was. I had a plan.
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I was gonna eliminate everybody else and be the only surviving heir.
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Help.
#77
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So when you say "eliminate", you mean you were gonna kill me?
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I don't know. No. Yes.
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Maybe I was going to. Maybe I wasn't. The point is moot now.
#80
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- Can you please help me out here? - You were planning on killing me?
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Listen. Stop arguing. Are you gonna help us or not?
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- We got no time here. - Pass.
#83
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- "Pass"? - Yeah, pass. Super pass. Uber pass.
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- How do you super pass? - I pass! I pass!
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- You were planning on killing me. - I feel like you're really focused
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on one tiny part of what I'm trying to talk about here.
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- It's a very big part of your... - It's just a couple of words.
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- Go! I'm trying to draw breasts... - Focus on the words "money"...
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- And pretty women. - And "Bruce", and "me", and "help".
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All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?
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Wait for it.
#92
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- Gasoline. - Excuse me?
#93
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Don't rush me. I feel rushed. Look. Here's the plan.
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You give us a shitload of money. We buy a shitload of gasoline.
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We wait 12 months. We sell the gasoline.
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And make a shitload of profit.
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Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not...
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- We have a graph. - Check this out.
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Now these are the gas prices last year.
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These are the gas prices this year.
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And this is what the gas prices will be.
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And what are those?
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These are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.
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Why?
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To be perfectly honest, we sort of thought
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we'd be speaking to a man today... - Can we talk to your boss?
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Because I think he would understand more better.
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My boss is a woman.
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- Really? - Your boss is a woman?
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- This is a strange bank. - Okay. I am definitely rejecting
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your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline.
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(clicks tongue)
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- Dennis, you're on. - Yeah.
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I just had a crazy thought.
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How's about I take you in the back and "change your mind"?
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- What are you doing? - I'm playing the wild card here.
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- Just let Dennis do his thing. - I can be sensual with a woman.
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You will enjoy it.
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DENNIS: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card?
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so we can get our loan. - Here's a scenario.
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What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
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You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off.
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- You're shirt's not off! - Now it is, bitch.
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- I'm the wild card. - Back off.
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- This is my job. - Now I feel like I should do it.
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What are you doing? God damn it. Okay, so...
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Why don't you decide?
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Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?
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FRANK: My intel tells me
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that Bruce moved into this crappy apartment complex.
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- Where did you get your intel? - I waterboarded some guy.
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- Told me everything. - You tortured somebody?
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Yeah. Big time.
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- What do you see? - I can't see shit.
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Why would you tint the inside of the windows?
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- I don't want anybody to see in. - We can't see out, Frank.
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- I might've overdone it a little. - You think so?
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- That's Bruce. - This guy?
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That's the guy walking there, walking there! Start the car.
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- Are you sure that's him? - I'm gonna take some pictures.
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(groans) I got it working.
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- Go. - The gas pedal is stuck.
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- Wobble it. - Wobble it?
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Wobble it back and forth. That's it. Now hit it.
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- You're blinding me. - What are you trying to do?
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Will you calm down for a second. Hold on!
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- Oh, man! - Son of a bitch!
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Will you stop with that for one second?
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Assholes!
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(shutter clicking continues)
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What the hell was that about?
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- That's a dumb place to hide it. - She's an investor now.
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- She'll thank us later. - I gotta bring something up.
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Can I? Because if I don't, it's gonna stew up inside me.
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- It's gonna drive me crazy. - What's up, man?
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I kinda can't believe that you guys took your shirts off back there.
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I feel like you really sold me down the river.
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The Ghostbusters would never do something like that to each other.
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- I can't believe you guys did it. - What are you doing?
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- No trash cans. Only cars. - Cool your jets, guy.
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We paid for this gas. It's gonna be a while, so...
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(whistles)
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Stop now. You can't do this. Only cars.
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All right. Wild card, do your thing.
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So help me, God, I'll blow this place to kingdom come.
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- Not that. Jesus Christ, Charlie. - Come on, man.
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No. We just gotta figure out a way to get this gas back to the bar
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without using the barrels. - How the hell are we gonna do that?
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- Mac... - This doesn't seem to be...
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Guys, this is not working. We are losing money
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driving back and forth from that gas station all day long.
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You burn up your product. I have swallowed a good deal of it,
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and it's a damn waste. - And gas has gone up
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every time we pull in there. - We're screwing ourselves here.
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- Let's not freak out. - The plan is not working, though.
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We just need to adjust our business model
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to meet the needs of a changing marketplace.
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- That's money talk. - We gotta make some money
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n the short term. - How the hell are we gonna do that?
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I got a plan.
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- We'd like to return some gas. - Don't worry, bro. Got receipts.
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I can't do that.
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Both. (lighter clicks)
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Not yet, buddy.
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Okay, bro. You want to play hard ball, fine.
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You're about to experience the hard knocks of a free market.
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- You will feel it where it hurts. - Your dick.
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No. No, not his dick. His wallet.
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- Your wallet. - Yup.
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- Here we are. This is it. - Are you sure this is his place?
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- Yes. My intel says so. - Okay, listen.
#200
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Take these box cutters. Put 'em in his bedroom.
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Take this fertilizer. Toss it in the closet.
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- Why are we doing that for? - When I call the cops on him,
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they'll come and find all this bomb-making shit,
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and they'll arrest his money-stealing ass.
#205
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We don't want to call the cops. They will find the bug I'm gonna plant.
#206
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That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
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I guess babies can't be trusted.
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- What do you expect to find? - A lot of shady shit.
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Like what?
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- Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes. - Why would that be shady?
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- Maybe the dudes are babies. - What?
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Bruce is not banging any baby dudes. We're going back to the plan.
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We're gonna put the frame on him, we're gonna be heroes,
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and I'm gonna get all of my money back as a reward.
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- All my money. - Whatever.
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Okay. There's something I want to talk to you about.
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Were you planning on offing me, and then offing Dennis also?
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We are in the middle of something.
#221
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I don't have time to chit-chat with you about stuff right now...
#222
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- You didn't deny it either. (scoffs) - Deny it?
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Do I have to deny something so crazy?
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Give me the baby monitor. I'll hide it for you.
#226
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Capitalism at work. This oughta show the son of a bitch.
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All right, now explain to me how we're gonna calculate the totals.
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It's easy, dude.
#229
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You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right?
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And I count how much gas is going into the car.
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Let me just stop you right there.
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How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?
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- I know how to count, dude. - You do it, Mac.
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- Because I can't speak to him. - Say free market 101,
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you gotta have customers to have a working business.
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So, we gotta attract attention.
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I for one suggest me blowing fireballs to get that attention.
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Fireball... Where is that coming from? No.
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- We're not blowing fireballs... - People will see it from the street
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and pull in and... - We have 10 containers of gasoline.
#241
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- The lighter, please. - What the hell are you... No.
#242
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Let me please reiterate my strong opposition to this idea.
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- I know what I'm doing. - This is really unsafe.
#244
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Do not blow that fireball.
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Okay.
#246
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I take back everything I just said. That was amazing.
#247
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- I can do it bigger. - You can do it bigger?
#248
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- No, Charlie. Let me do it. - Make sure you... Wait.
#249
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God damn it.
#250
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- You burned my head. - I think I burned him.
#251
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- Easy, camper. - Jesus Christ.
#252
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- Relax. You're gonna feel better. - How can I relax? Just stop.
#253
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Do you have anything other than a towel and duct tape?
#254
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- We're going to a hospital. - Actually, bro, you know what?
#256
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We're gonna be done with your plans for a little while.
#257
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Because the system you set up... It ain't working.
#258
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So, I got a new system. Me, both the brains and the looks.
#259
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You're still gonna be the wild card, that fireball you blew was badass.
#260
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It was great, right? You just kinda got in the way.
#261
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Mac, check this out, though. You're gonna be the muscle.
#262
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No, I think we gotta stick to the paradigm that we've set up.
#263
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- The "A-Team", "Scooby-Doo"... - No.
#264
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- Your paragon is failing us. - It's a paradigm, but yeah.
#265
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- It wasn't working. - It's not working.
#266
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What happened was we confused your bossiness with braininess,
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and those two are very different things.
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- That is what happened. - So, check it out, though, man.
#269
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We're gonna steal Frank's rape van because driving around
#271
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with all that gasoline is ruining the interior of my car.
#272
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- And I just... I won't have it. - No.
#273
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Then we're gonna take that van and we're gonna offer something
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that gas stations just can't offer. - What?
#275
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Gasoline directly to their doorsteps.
#276
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Door-to-door gasoline salesmen. Dude, that's amazing.
#277
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- That's a brilliant plan, right? - Fine. Then I'll be the muscle.
#278
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I'll muscle these pricks into buying the gas and...
#279
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Actually, why don't you muscle your way back by the van,
#280
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because you look like a burned-up freak.
#281
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A look is gonna be a big part of this.
#282
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- I'm gonna get some disguises. - Why would we need disguises?
#283
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So people don't know who we are, you know?
#284
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They already don't know who we are.
#285
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You're not letting the wild card do his thing.
#286
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- Is there any reason behind that? - Wild card.
#287
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He has a seven iron.
#290
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(sharp smack on baby monitor)
#291
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How has he been sitting there watching golf for three hours?
#292
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Shit. Cut it off.
#294
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God damn it. Now he's suspicious of us.
#295
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- You are such a bad hider. - I'm a bad hider?
#296
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I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer.
#298
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(scoffs) My sock drawer? Come on. That would be stupid.
#299
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- You do. You're lying to me. - I'm not lying to you.
#300
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I'm getting outta here. This is a setup.
#301
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You're setting me up, and I'm getting the hell out.
#302
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- Frank, get back here. - You're not gonna do this to me.
#303
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- Get out of here! - God damn it.
#304
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- They're on the move. - I know what's going on.
#305
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You think I was born yesterday?
#306
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- Okay, go. Go, Mac. DEE: What are you talking about?
#307
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Don't lie to me. I have my ways of finding out things. You'll be...
#308
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Is that a Muslim guy? He's getting in my van.
#309
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(engine starting) (tires screeching)
#310
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Shit! (groans)
#311
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(car alarm blaring)
#312
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- Come on, man. - Seriously?
#313
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Hey!
#314
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No! No! No!
#315
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(door closing)
#316
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DENNIS: Let me do the talking.
#317
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I'm not gonna talk with an accent. It's bad enough that disguise.
#319
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Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.
#321
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DENNIS: Hello, ma'am. What a lovely house dress.
#322
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(exaggerated Southern accent) You're looking all sorts of good.
#323
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You a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady,
#324
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so we're not gonna waste your time today.
#325
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We're just a couple oilmen in from Dallas,
#326
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