Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E10 — Charlie Kelly - King of the Rats

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 10 — Charlie Kelly - King of the Rats

So, what you said when you come face-to-face

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with something like that,

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what are you supposed to do?

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You just have to laugh.

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- Hey, buddy. - Yeah, what's going on there, pal?

#5

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Oh, my God. I just found a rat's nest.

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Slaughtered about 200 of 'em.

#7

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Two-Two hundred? Couldn't be. That's…

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- Jesus Christ. - Uh, it's like…

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It's like whole generations of those things have died

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at my hands, and…

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mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.

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Oh, yeah.

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- Wow. - Well, you know,

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- keep up the good work. - Yeah.

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Sometimes I wonder though if…

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our lives are really more valuable than theirs.

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You know what I mean?

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Yeah.

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- They are. - Yeah.

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- Our lives are, definitely. Yeah. - Without a doubt.

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- Yeah. - Without a doubt.

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If that makes you feel any…

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- Yeah, well… - Mm-hmm.

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I suppose I oughta…

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Get back to it?

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- Yep. - Jump right back in there, tiger.

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Get on the horse, Charlie.

#28

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Bash. Bash 'em up.

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Do what you do best.

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All right. Thanks, guys.

#31

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I just gotta go to the bathroom.

#32

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Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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- All right, man. - He touched me with it.

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Ugh! God, what a life, huh?

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- Today's his birthday. - Are you kidding me?

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- Poor guy, on a day like this. - Oh, my God.

#37

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We ought to do something nice for him.

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- Definitely. - Yeah. Absolutely.

#39

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Oh. You wanna get him a new rat stick?

#40

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That's a good idea.

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I was thinking maybe we should throw him a surprise party.

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- He is really bummed. - I guess we could do

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- something nice for him. - Definitely. Listen. For one day,

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let's make the poor bastard feel special.

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For one day, let's make this lowly rat killer

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feel like a king.

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Yes.

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In the simplest…

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- Easiest way. - …easiest…

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I'm tired today, you know?

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Here it is. I got it.

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I'm thinking we go with a Hawaiian trip-hop…

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- underground luau theme. - What?

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- Hmm? - What even is that?

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You know, Charlie's been hanging around with this guy Duncan

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from under the bridge, and he runs with this rough crowd,

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and they're all into this Hawaiian

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underground shit, you know?

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And I made a little list of stuff that would really

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support that theme.

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"Fill bar with sand. Roast wild pig.

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Invite Duncan and crew."

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Ooh, this seems like a whole lot of work.

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Does anybody really even like surprise parties anyway?

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- I don't. - You know…

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What the hell's the matter with you?

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How did you get so cynical?

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- Cynical? - You can't even get excited

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to give your friend a party.

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I mean, giving somebody a birthday party,

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a surprise party,

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is one of the greatest things you can do for him.

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- Okay, Frank, all right, all right. - All right.

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Well, maybe we are being a little cynical.

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Clearly, this means a lot to you, so fine.

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We'll jump on board with the party. What's the plan?

#77

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- Okay. - All right. The plan is you guys

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- execute this list. - Mm-hmm.

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I am gonna take Charlie to the spa for a day

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- to distract him. - Hold on a second.

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Why do you get to spend the day at a spa

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while we do all the legwork?

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Because I got these two coupons in the mail.

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Okay, I'm pregnant, and you haven't

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offered me coupons…

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or any of those fun things.

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Oh, oh, okay. Well, in the interest

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of not being cynical…

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and, you know, doing shit for other people,

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I'm gonna suggest that we give

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the two coupons to Dee…

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and she does the spa thing.

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- Surprise. - Perfect. Thank you.

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All right, cool. I will take this coupon

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Oh, wait, wait. What? What?

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- What? - No, you have to take Charlie

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with you to the spa. That's the whole thing.

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- You have to distract him. That's… - Oh, shit. Yeah.

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Frank, you might be right about us getting cynical.

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I just… I just jumped straight to default…

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and was gonna throw this second coupon in the trash.

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- Right. - But the Charlie thing,

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yup, we're doing the Charlie thing.

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Okay. I got it. I'm on it.

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Okay.

#108

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Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed,

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so I thought I would take you for a spa day,

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just you and me.

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A what day?

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I feel like you're starting to say a word

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- and you're not finishing it. - Are you trying to say "spaghetti"?

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Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

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No, Charlie, I wasn't trying to take you for a spaghetti day.

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Oh, God, you know what? It doesn't matter.

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It's okay. That's all right. I'm doing something nice here.

#120

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- Wanna go to a movie? - Dee, I go to a movie

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or a spaghetti place with you, you know, and out there, I'm the rat.

#123

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What if I guarantee you that nobody out there

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Would that comfort you at all?

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No. That's a guarantee you can't make, Dee,

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That's why I'm building this little puppy.

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- Yeah. Don't do… Okay. - And no one's getting bashed.

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I tell you what Charlie, if you don't come

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with me to the movie, I'm gonna take this raccoon of yours

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and bash it into a telephone pole.

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No! I can't take any more bashing today, all right?

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Let's go. This will be fun.

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All right, let's go.

#136

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- Dennis. - Yeah?

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Check that box of tiki torches.

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Start setting those up.

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What is this? We didn't put this in here.

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- Surprise! - What is that? What'd you do?

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I got you a present, bro.

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I'm trying to be less cynical. And Frank is totally right.

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The surprise is the way to go.

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- So you got me a gift. - Yes.

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I slipped out…

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and I got you something I think you're gonna like.

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Okay, all right.

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Okay.

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- Ah! - Oh! Oh! Shirt!

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I love this shirt.

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That's great, man. Thank you.

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This isn't the shirt that I picked out.

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- Yeah. No. Well, no. - What is this?

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It's the shirt that I… That I picked out.

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But that's cool.

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Here's the thing, man. I…

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I got a little suspicious when you slipped out earlier,

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and so I followed you into the store,

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and I saw that you were about to make

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a really bad choice, and then you did make that choice

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and you bought that other shirt.

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And it was a bad shirt. It was an ugly shirt, hideous really.

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So I grabbed that shirt out of the bag

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when you weren't looking, and I returned it

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and I bought myself this shirt, which isn't hideous.

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- And so, surprise. - That was a good shirt.

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No.

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I feel nothing. I feel like you just stole money from me…

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and then you bought yourself a…

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- shirt. - A shirt with your money.

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- Yeah. - Well, that is what happened.

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That is a ridiculous price, and you know it.

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Supposing I bought a pig unseasoned

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and dressed it myself?

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Then what? What then?

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Well, that's not what Jerry Carelli said,

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asshole.

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Ha! Pitting two pig dealers against each other.

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- Ah, sure. - Frank, are you sure

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about this luau thing? I mean, it's a ton of work.

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Yeah. Does Charlie even know what a luau is?

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I doubt Charlie can even say the word "luau."

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I mean, how do you know that this is what he wants?

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Well, because I read it in his dream book.

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His what? His dream book?

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Yeah. Charlie keeps a book of dreams and aspirations.

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They're mostly in pictures and symbols,

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but he has been obsessing about this luau thing…

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since we met Duncan under the bridge.

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Okay, now, my first instinct…

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when you say things about meeting people under bridges…

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is to berate you for hanging out with people under a bridge…

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and to say to you, "Why do you hang out

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with these people? You and Charlie shouldn't be asso…"

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But I'm not gonna say anything because I don't

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wanna be cynical anymore. I'm not gonna say anything. I'm…

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Maybe the bridge is exciting.

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The bridge is awesome.

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Ooh. It's probably pretty cool.

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Ooh. Hold on a second.

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Hey. It's the other pig guy.

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Ha. So you come crawling back,

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you cheap sack of shit.

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You can't bring food into the theater.

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Hmm? Oh, no, I'm not.

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I… I bought it over there with that food.

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No, you didn't.

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How do you know that?

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Because we don't serve spaghetti…

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and I just watched you walk in with it.

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You called my bluff, sir. I shall dispose

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of this posthaste.

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A moment, please.

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Dee, do me a favor. Pop this into your purse real quick.

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No. Absolutely not. No. Why did you have to bring spaghetti…

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You got me hankering for spaghetti and I want it.

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- Just eat it fast and we'll go. - No. I wanna enjoy it

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- and watch the movie. - It's gonna make a mess in my purse.

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I'm leaving because the spaghetti is the whole deal for me.

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Goddamn it. Just godddamn it. Just put it in. Be careful.

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- This is so stupid. - Okay. And there we go!

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- Got rid of it. - Great. Thank you.

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Okay. Look at this place, Dee. Look at the size of this place.

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What does 3-D even stand for?

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Third dimension.

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Just please stop talking.

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Third dimen… What dimension are we in?

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Shh. Charlie, I don't know.

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Isn't stuff supposed to pop out at us?

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I don't know. I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

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Whoa!

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- Did you see that? - Yeah, I saw that.

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That came right at you. Is this safe?

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- Are you kidding me? - Well, I don't know.

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Take the glasses off if you're uncomfortable, okay?

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- But then everything's blurry. - Then put the glasses on

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and shut the hell up.

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- Shh. - You shh.

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- See, stuff's not safe. - Uh-oh.

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Whoa. What happened to my meatball?

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- Would you shut up? - Oh, no.

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- I bet it flew off when I… - Okay, you are a sleuth.

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You've gotten to the bottom of it.

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- That's very exciting. Now shut up. - Let me just find it.

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- I'm sorry. - Charlie, sit down.

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- Did you see a meatball over here? - Oh, my god Charlie, I swear to God

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If you don't sit down and shut up and watch the movie,

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I'm gonna attack you.

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I don't care how pregnant I am, and I'm gonna get out of the seat,

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- I'm gonna attack you. - I got it. I got it.

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You got it? Okay good. Sit down.

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- Got the meatball. - Sit down!

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- Quiet down! - The movie's boring.

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You… How would you… You're not watching the movie.

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Uh-oh.

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- You're not gonna like this. - What happened?

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Ah, nuts. Some spaghetti kinda spilled in your purse a little bit.

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Oh, shit. Want your spaghetti, Charlie?

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You want your spaghetti? Here's your spaghetti.

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Oh, don't dump it on the ground like that.

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- Shut up and watch the movie. - I don't wanna shut up

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and watch the movie. Can't eat spaghetti.

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Can't follow the movie. Doesn't make sense.

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I'm going back to the bar. I'm taking the spaghetti.

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- Go to the bar. - Excuse me.

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Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

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Dude, I just saw another rat.

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Yeah, I know. There's definitely a ton of rats in here,

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- that's for sure. - I see him. I see him.

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- Oh, shit. We gotta distract him. - Yeah.

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- I'll tell him the keg exploded. - No. That's a stupid idea.

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That's a stupid idea. We're going with the burst pipe.

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I like the keg idea.

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Your ideas are so stupid. Go with the burst pipe.

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- That would never happen. - Whatever. We gotta go.

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- A keg would never explode. - Hey, Charlie!

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Charlie! Charlie boy!

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Hey, where'd you get those glasses, bud?

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Oh, these? They're just, like, third-dimension glasses, you know?

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Don't really work though, 'cause I feel like

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I'm still seeing stuff in whatever dimension we live in.

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- Uh, right. - Yeah.

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Well, listen, um, you can't really go in the bar right now, bro.

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- Why not? - No, because a keg exploded.

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- Well, a pipe… Yeah. - Holy shit. Can that happen?

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A piece of metal flew off the keg

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and hit Dennis right in the dick.

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Holy shit! Are you okay?

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Yeah. No, I-I'm fine. I got lucky.

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It mashed right into it. We all thought he was gonna lose it.

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Charlie, it lumped it up and mangled it like

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- a chicken potpie down there. - Oh, God. Dickless Dennis.

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- No. It's totally fine. - That's what we should call him…

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Dickless Dennis.

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Oh, Dickless Dennis. But it doesn't apply…

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because my dick totally went back to normal,

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- and it's fine now. I'll show it to you. - I don't wanna see it.

#301

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Anyway, moving on, how was the spa?

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Spa?

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Sp… Oh, spaghetti. How's my spaghetti?

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- Dee threw it on the floor. - No, no. The spa.

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The spa that Dee took you to.

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Oh, no, she took me to a movie.

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Yeah, it was lame. I couldn't understand it.

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Made no sense.

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That cynical bitch.

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Hello. I would like to redeem this coupon.

#311

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And go ahead and toss this one in the trash for me.

#312

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- Busted! See? - You're busted, Dee.

#313

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What? What are you guys doing here?

#314

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I'm taking Charlie to the spa because he's stressed.

#315

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A keg exploded in the bar. Blew Dennis's dick off.

#316

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- No, no. - It's a mess down there. It's a monster.

#317

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- My dick is fine, Dee. - What?

#318

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- Let me have those coupons. - No. You said I could have them.

#319

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Dee, you were supposed to take Charlie.

#320

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Yeah. I tried to take Charlie, but he refused to go.

#321

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What is your spaghetti policy here?

#322

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Are you hearing this? Are you hearing this?

#323

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He doesn't belong in a place like this, you guys.

#324

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All right, come on. We're wasting time.

#325

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Go get Duncan and the bridge crew

#326

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and bring them to the bar. I'll occupy Charlie.

#327

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- No. - Where's the robes?

#328

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I think this is it, right here.

#329

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This is sketchy as hell.

#330

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Yeah.

#331

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Hey. Um, yeah, we're looking for Duncan.

#332

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- Oh, let's go. - Oh, yeah, we should

#333

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take that as a sign, right?

#334

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Come on in.

#335

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Yeah?

#336

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You pregnant.

#337

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Come on now.

#338

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- What is happening in here? - I don't know.

#339

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- Come on now. - All right.

#340

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Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if we could talk

#341

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- to you about… - I ain't no Duncan.

#342

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It's this nigga right here about to go level three and shit.

#343

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- What's up? - Oh, you're Duncan.

#344

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Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if you could come to

#345

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- a surprise party for Charlie. - Who?

#346

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Charlie. He's Frank's friend.

#347

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You guys have all been hanging out under a bridge.

#348

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Oh, yeah. Frank. I know that bitch.

#349

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Okay. Hey, listen. Frank mentioned that you

#350

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- might be willing… - Oh, shit! Level three, son!

#351

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Yo! Level three!

#352

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Guys, come over here. This is bizarre, okay?

#353

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Charlie should not have anything to do with these people.

#354

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They are deranged.

#355

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Frank has too much influence over this whole thing, all right?

#356

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I think we gotta stop and think about what Charlie wants.

#357

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- Yeah. - We need to get our hands

#358

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on Charlie's dream book and figure out

#359

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what that kid wants ourselves.

#360

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- Mother pus bucket! - You piece of shit!

#361

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You broke my wall!

#362

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What I tell you? Huh, son?

#363

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Should we call the police?

#364

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- No, no. Let's just go. - Let's get the hell out of here.

#365

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All right.

#366

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Charlie, let's go. Get in here.

#367

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- Oh! Ooh! - Whew!

#368

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Hey, guys, the management needs everybody

#369

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to get out because they caught a guy jerking off in here…

#370

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and they're gonna send in a crew

#371

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to wipe down the loads.

#372

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Go ahead. Go on. Let's go.

#373

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God, it's terrible. It's really disgusting.

#374

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Ah. Okay.

#375

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Get rid of all the strange dongs.

#376

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- Oh. - Yeah.

#377

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- A little bit. - I don't get it, man.

#378

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What's so relaxing about sitting around

#379

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in a hot, wet room?

#380

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It's all about opening up your pores, Charlie.

#381

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- Yeah. - Yeah. Take your robe off.

#382

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Yeah. That's it.

#383

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You got your clothes on. You gotta take your clothes off.

#384

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What? No way, dude. I'm not getting naked in public.

#385

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Suit yourself, all right?

#386

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I am going to roast like a pig.

#387

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All right. I'm gonna eat spaghetti.

#388

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Oh, God.

#389

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Whoa. Hey, guys, guys, guys.

#390

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I bet you this is it. "Dram… Dram bach."

#391

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I bet that means "dream book."

#392

⇓

Yeah. Look at this, pictures and symbols.

#393

⇓

I don't see anything about our stupid luau,

#394

⇓

but, uh, this looks weird.

#395

⇓

What is that? What do you make of that, guys?

#396

⇓

That looks like a drawing of a pair of jeans.

#397

⇓

A plus sign and a chicken.

#398

⇓

- "Denim chicken." - Denim chicken.

#399

⇓

Okay, guys, my gut is telling me

#400

⇓

to throw this book in the trash.

#401

⇓

- Well, yeah. - It's absolute nonsense.

#402

⇓

I think we're all feeling the same things,

#403

⇓

but I think we need to fight that instinct.

#404

⇓

We have to throw a party for Charlie.

#405

⇓

It's so simple. If we can't do that,

#406

⇓

- what does that say about us? - You're right.

#407

⇓

This isn't about us. Let's not be cynical.

#408

⇓

- Let's do what the kid wants. - Yeah.

#409

⇓

If he wants a worm…

#410

⇓

- hat. - Worm hat.

#411

⇓

- Worm hat. - Okay. How do we get him a worm hat?

#412

⇓

- 'Cause, I don't know what that is. - I don't know. Maybe there's a drawing

#413

⇓

- or… What is that? - That's a bird with teeth.

#414

⇓

It sure is.

#415

⇓

Okay, look. We don't have a lot of time.

#416

⇓

So, let's figure out the best we can do.

#417

⇓

- Okay. We can do it. We can do it. - We'll do these things.

#418

⇓

- We'll do these things. - Okay. Let's go. Okay.

#419

⇓

Dude, how much longer do we have to stay in here?

#420

⇓

Come on. Just relax. Take your clothes off.

#421

⇓

I feel trapped in here, Frank.

#422

⇓

I'm trapped like a rat.

#423

⇓

Holy shit, I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?

#424

⇓

- No, you're not, Charlie. - I'm a rat in here!

#425

⇓

I'm a rat!

#426

⇓

I'm trapped like a…

#427

⇓

- I gotta get out of here. - Calm down, Charlie.

#428

⇓

I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank,

#429

⇓

'cause I'm trapped like a rat.

#430

⇓

Calm down, Charlie. Calm down. Relax.

#431

⇓

- Okay. All right, all right. - I gotta get out of here!

#432

⇓

- Now calm down. - How do I get this off?

#433

⇓

Take it easy.

#434

⇓

- Charlie. Take it easy. - Just bash me, Frank.

#435

⇓

I'm not gonna bash you, Charlie.

#436

⇓

Just bash me like a rat!

#437

⇓

Bash me like a rat and get it over with!

#438

⇓

Oh. Sorry, guys.

#439

⇓

Just let me know when you're done.

#440

⇓

I'm the guy who wipes down the loads.

#441

⇓

- Hurry up. - I'm not wearing this stupid thing,

#442

⇓

- and that's it. - It's a lei.

#443

⇓

Surprise!

#444

⇓

What the shit is this? Where's my luau?

#445

⇓

- We went around you, Frank. - Yeah.

#446

⇓

- Happy birthday, Charlie. - Happy birthday.

#447

⇓

Happy birthday? Oh.

#448

⇓

Is that why you guys were doing all that

#449

⇓

- weird shit with me today? - Yeah. We were trying to distract you

#450

⇓

- so we could plan your party. - Thanks, guys. Yeah.

#451

⇓

It's not my birthday though.

#452

⇓

- Hmm? - It's not your birthday?

#453

⇓

- No. - No, dicks. It's my birthday.

#454

⇓

- Wha… - Are you kidding me?

#455

⇓

- No, I'm not kidding you. - Wait a second.

#456

⇓

Were you trying to get us to plan your surprise party?

#457

⇓

Why wouldn't you just plan it yourself?

#458

⇓

Well, that's lame.

#459

⇓

I mean, this way I get my surprise party…

#460

⇓

and I give you the satisfaction of doing

#461

⇓

- something nice for somebody. - Oh, my God.

#462

⇓

That is not doing something nice. That is tricking us.

#463

⇓

- Son of a bitch. - Where's Duncan?

#464

⇓

Where is… You should not be hanging out with Duncan.

#465

⇓

You should not be associating with people like that.

#466

⇓

I'm saying it. I don't care. It's coming out of my mouth.

#467

⇓

Those weird bridge people that are like…

#468

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#469

⇓

All that "hawwoowin lauow"?

#470

⇓

- I knew he couldn't say it. - Luau. Luau.

#471

⇓

- What is it? Hello. - Luau. Luau.

#472

⇓

- I mean, it's the word. - It's not a word. Huh?

#473

⇓

What do we got going on over here, guys?

#474

⇓

Okay. Well, Charlie, when we thought

#475

⇓

it was your birthday, we went through your dream book

#476

⇓

and we tried to re-create some of the stuff we found in there.

#477

⇓

Yes, that's okay. Um…

#478

⇓

- Denim chicken? - Yes!

#479

⇓

Yeah, denim chicken.

#480

⇓

- Now I got to reroute the pig delivery. - Nobody gives a shit.

#481

⇓

So we also have the bird, with teeth.

#482

⇓

- Yep. - Wow! Okay.

#483

⇓

And I'm assuming the teeth are fake, yes?

#484

⇓

Yes. Well, they're not real human teeth,

#485

⇓

if that's what you're asking me.

#486

⇓

No, I mean, did you discover a bird with teeth

#487

⇓

- in this fashion? - That does not exist in nature.

#488

⇓

Okay. I'm not sure about that, but either way,

#489

⇓

good glue work.

#490

⇓

Do any of you assholes wanna know how old I am?

#491

⇓

- Whatever, Frank. Okay. - Nobody…

#492

⇓

- All right, so… - Charlie, this is my favorite part.

#493

⇓

We weren't quite sure what a worm hat was, right?

#494

⇓

So we made a few of 'em. This is the first one.

#495

⇓

It's a hat made of worms, okay?

#496

⇓

And then option number two is a hat that you put on.

#497

⇓

And when you do that, you look like maybe you're a worm.

#498

⇓

- Like a worm, yeah. - And then the third one,

#499

⇓

and this is the best one Charlie, is a hat for your worm.

#500

⇓

Your teeny tiny little worm gets a teeny tiny little hat.

#501

⇓

- If you want him to be fancy. - So which one is it?

#502

⇓

- Which one were you talking about? - Yeah, that's right. That's right.

#503

⇓

Well, I don't recall ever writing "worm hat."

#504

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in your dream book.

#505

⇓

- Your… - Oh! "Wermhat."

#506

⇓

Yeah. That's a German guy. His name's Hans Wermhat.

#507

⇓

He appears in my dreams.

#508

⇓

He drives a biplane and he shoots it at me,

#509

⇓

- and I run through a field. - You know what? You guys blow.

#510

⇓

I'm gonna go find Duncan.

#511

⇓

- Go! Go! - Get lost! Wow! Guys!

#512

⇓

Wow! The denim chicken, the bird with teeth,

#513

⇓

Wermhat's worm hat.

#514

⇓

I mean, I don't know what to say, man.

#515

⇓

This is just what I needed today.

#516

⇓

Guess what, buddy. There's one more thing.

#517

⇓

Is that what I think it is?

#518

⇓

That's a new rat stick, dude.

#519

⇓

- Yeah. - And you can bash up

#520

⇓

a whole bunch of rats with one quick strike…

#521

⇓

- so it's more humane. - Yeah?

#522

⇓

Oh, man.

#523

⇓

- What do you think? - Oh, you like it?

#524

⇓

- I love it. I mean… - Aw.

#525

⇓

I don't know what to say 'cause no one's ever really, um…

#526

⇓

I don't know what to say, guys.

#527

⇓

You don't have to say anything, man.

#528

⇓

Maybe I could give it a quick whirl in the basement…

#529

⇓

and see if I could kill a couple rats.

#530

⇓

- Yeah. Absolutely. You've earned it. - You should.

#531

⇓

Go bash 'em up, buddy.

#532

⇓

Whoo!

#533

⇓

- What a life. - Yeah.

#534

⇓