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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E10 — Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 10 — Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats

Air date: November 18, 2010

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Keeping the basement rodent-free drives Charlie to the brink. The gang throws Charlie a surprise party.

Source: TMDB

↓

So, what you said when you come face-to-face

face

↓

with something like that,

↓

what are you supposed to do?

supposed

↓

You just have to laugh.

laugh

↓

- Hey, buddy. - Yeah, what's going on there, pal?

buddy

↓

Oh, my God. I just found a rat's nest.

found nest rats

↓

Slaughtered about 200 of 'em.

slaughtered

↓

Two-Two hundred? Couldn't be. That's…

hundred

↓

- Jesus Christ. - Uh, it's like…

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

It's like whole generations of those things have died

died generations whole

↓

at my hands, and…

hands

↓

mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.

baby fathers grandfathers mothers rats

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

- Wow. - Well, you know,

↓

- keep up the good work. - Yeah.

↓

Sometimes I wonder though if…

sometimes wonder

↓

our lives are really more valuable than theirs.

lives valuable

↓

You know what I mean?

↓

Yeah.

↓

- They are. - Yeah.

↓

- Our lives are, definitely. Yeah. - Without a doubt.

doubt lives

↓

- Yeah. - Without a doubt.

doubt

↓

If that makes you feel any…

makes

↓

- Yeah, well… - Mm-hmm.

↓

I suppose I oughta…

oughta suppose

↓

Get back to it?

↓

- Yep. - Jump right back in there, tiger.

jump tiger

↓

Get on the horse, Charlie.

charlie horse

↓

Bash. Bash 'em up.

bash

↓

Do what you do best.

best

↓

All right. Thanks, guys.

thanks

↓

I just gotta go to the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

- All right, man. - He touched me with it.

touched

↓

Ugh! God, what a life, huh?

life

↓

- Today's his birthday. - Are you kidding me?

birthday kidding todays

↓

- Poor guy, on a day like this. - Oh, my God.

poor

↓

We ought to do something nice for him.

ought

↓

- Definitely. - Yeah. Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

Oh. You wanna get him a new rat stick?

stick

↓

That's a good idea.

idea

↓

I was thinking maybe we should throw him a surprise party.

party surprise surprise-party thinking throw

↓

- He is really bummed. - I guess we could do

bummed

↓

- something nice for him. - Definitely. Listen. For one day,

↓

let's make the poor bastard feel special.

bastard poor poor-bastard special

↓

For one day, let's make this lowly rat killer

killer

↓

feel like a king.

king

↓

Yes.

↓

In the simplest…

↓

- Easiest way. - …easiest…

easiest

↓

I'm tired today, you know?

tired today

↓

Here it is. I got it.

↓

I'm thinking we go with a Hawaiian trip-hop…

hawaiian thinking trip

↓

- underground luau theme. - What?

luau theme underground

↓

- Hmm? - What even is that?

↓

You know, Charlie's been hanging around with this guy Duncan

charlies duncan hanging

↓

from under the bridge, and he runs with this rough crowd,

bridge crowd rough runs

↓

and they're all into this Hawaiian

hawaiian

↓

underground shit, you know?

underground

↓

And I made a little list of stuff that would really

list stuff

↓

support that theme.

support theme

↓

"Fill bar with sand. Roast wild pig.

fill roast sand wild

↓

Invite Duncan and crew."

crew duncan invite

↓

Ooh, this seems like a whole lot of work.

seems whole

↓

Does anybody really even like surprise parties anyway?

anybody parties surprise

↓

- I don't. - You know…

↓

What the hell's the matter with you?

hells matter

↓

How did you get so cynical?

cynical

↓

- Cynical? - You can't even get excited

cynical excited

↓

to give your friend a party.

friend party

↓

I mean, giving somebody a birthday party,

birthday birthday-party giving party somebody

↓

a surprise party,

party surprise surprise-party

↓

is one of the greatest things you can do for him.

greatest

↓

- Okay, Frank, all right, all right. - All right.

frank

↓

Well, maybe we are being a little cynical.

cynical

↓

Clearly, this means a lot to you, so fine.

↓

We'll jump on board with the party. What's the plan?

board jump party plan

↓

- Okay. - All right. The plan is you guys

plan

↓

- execute this list. - Mm-hmm.

execute list

↓

I am gonna take Charlie to the spa for a day

charlie

↓

- to distract him. - Hold on a second.

distract second

↓

Why do you get to spend the day at a spa

spend

↓

while we do all the legwork?

↓

Because I got these two coupons in the mail.

coupons mail

↓

Okay, I'm pregnant, and you haven't

pregnant

↓

offered me coupons…

coupons offered

↓

or any of those fun things.

fun

↓

Oh, oh, okay. Well, in the interest

interest

↓

of not being cynical…

cynical

↓

and, you know, doing shit for other people,

↓

I'm gonna suggest that we give

suggest

↓

the two coupons to Dee…

coupons

↓

and she does the spa thing.

↓

- Surprise. - Perfect. Thank you.

perfect surprise

↓

All right, cool. I will take this coupon

cool coupon

↓

Oh, wait, wait. What? What?

↓

- What? - No, you have to take Charlie

charlie

↓

with you to the spa. That's the whole thing.

whole

↓

- You have to distract him. That's… - Oh, shit. Yeah.

distract

↓

Frank, you might be right about us getting cynical.

cynical frank might

↓

I just… I just jumped straight to default…

jumped straight

↓

and was gonna throw this second coupon in the trash.

coupon second throw trash

↓

- Right. - But the Charlie thing,

charlie

↓

yup, we're doing the Charlie thing.

charlie

↓

Okay. I got it. I'm on it.

↓

Okay.

↓

Hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed,

stressed

↓

so I thought I would take you for a spa day,

↓

just you and me.

↓

A what day?

↓

I feel like you're starting to say a word

starting word

↓

- and you're not finishing it. - Are you trying to say "spaghetti"?

finishing spaghetti

↓

Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

spaghetti

↓

No, Charlie, I wasn't trying to take you for a spaghetti day.

charlie spaghetti

↓

Oh, God, you know what? It doesn't matter.

matter

↓

It's okay. That's all right. I'm doing something nice here.

↓

- Wanna go to a movie? - Dee, I go to a movie

movie

↓

or a spaghetti place with you, you know, and out there, I'm the rat.

place spaghetti

↓

What if I guarantee you that nobody out there

guarantee nobody

↓

Would that comfort you at all?

comfort

↓

No. That's a guarantee you can't make, Dee,

guarantee

↓

That's why I'm building this little puppy.

building puppy

↓

- Yeah. Don't do… Okay. - And no one's getting bashed.

bashed ones

↓

I tell you what Charlie, if you don't come

charlie

↓

with me to the movie, I'm gonna take this raccoon of yours

movie raccoon

↓

and bash it into a telephone pole.

bash pole telephone

↓

No! I can't take any more bashing today, all right?

bashing today

↓

Let's go. This will be fun.

fun

↓

All right, let's go.

↓

- Dennis. - Yeah?

dennis

↓

Check that box of tiki torches.

check tiki

↓

Start setting those up.

setting start

↓

What is this? We didn't put this in here.

↓

- Surprise! - What is that? What'd you do?

surprise whatd

↓

I got you a present, bro.

present

↓

I'm trying to be less cynical. And Frank is totally right.

cynical frank less

↓

The surprise is the way to go.

surprise

↓

- So you got me a gift. - Yes.

gift

↓

I slipped out…

slipped

↓

and I got you something I think you're gonna like.

↓

Okay, all right.

↓

Okay.

↓

- Ah! - Oh! Oh! Shirt!

shirt

↓

I love this shirt.

love shirt

↓

That's great, man. Thank you.

↓

This isn't the shirt that I picked out.

picked shirt

↓

- Yeah. No. Well, no. - What is this?

↓

It's the shirt that I… That I picked out.

picked shirt

↓

But that's cool.

cool

↓

Here's the thing, man. I…

↓

I got a little suspicious when you slipped out earlier,

slipped suspicious

↓

and so I followed you into the store,

followed store

↓

and I saw that you were about to make

↓

a really bad choice, and then you did make that choice

choice

↓

and you bought that other shirt.

bought shirt

↓

And it was a bad shirt. It was an ugly shirt, hideous really.

hideous shirt ugly

↓

So I grabbed that shirt out of the bag

grabbed shirt

↓

when you weren't looking, and I returned it

looking returned

↓

and I bought myself this shirt, which isn't hideous.

bought hideous shirt

↓

- And so, surprise. - That was a good shirt.

shirt surprise

↓

No.

↓

I feel nothing. I feel like you just stole money from me…

money stole

↓

and then you bought yourself a…

bought

↓

- shirt. - A shirt with your money.

money shirt

↓

- Yeah. - Well, that is what happened.

happened

↓

That is a ridiculous price, and you know it.

price ridiculous

↓

Supposing I bought a pig unseasoned

bought

↓

and dressed it myself?

dressed

↓

Then what? What then?

↓

Well, that's not what Jerry Carelli said,

jerry

↓

asshole.

asshole

↓

Ha! Pitting two pig dealers against each other.

dealers

↓

- Ah, sure. - Frank, are you sure

frank

↓

about this luau thing? I mean, it's a ton of work.

luau

↓

Yeah. Does Charlie even know what a luau is?

charlie luau

↓

I doubt Charlie can even say the word "luau."

charlie doubt luau word

↓

I mean, how do you know that this is what he wants?

wants

↓

Well, because I read it in his dream book.

book dream dream-book read

↓

His what? His dream book?

book dream dream-book

↓

Yeah. Charlie keeps a book of dreams and aspirations.

book charlie dreams keeps

↓

They're mostly in pictures and symbols,

mostly pictures

↓

but he has been obsessing about this luau thing…

luau obsessing

↓

since we met Duncan under the bridge.

bridge duncan

↓

Okay, now, my first instinct…

instinct

↓

when you say things about meeting people under bridges…

bridges meeting

↓

is to berate you for hanging out with people under a bridge…

bridge hanging

↓

and to say to you, "Why do you hang out

hang

↓

with these people? You and Charlie shouldn't be asso…"

charlie

↓

But I'm not gonna say anything because I don't

↓

wanna be cynical anymore. I'm not gonna say anything. I'm…

anymore cynical

↓

Maybe the bridge is exciting.

bridge exciting

↓

The bridge is awesome.

awesome bridge

↓

Ooh. It's probably pretty cool.

cool

↓

Ooh. Hold on a second.

second

↓

Hey. It's the other pig guy.

↓

Ha. So you come crawling back,

crawling

↓

you cheap sack of shit.

cheap sack

↓

You can't bring food into the theater.

bring food theater

↓

Hmm? Oh, no, I'm not.

↓

I… I bought it over there with that food.

bought food

↓

No, you didn't.

↓

How do you know that?

↓

Because we don't serve spaghetti…

serve spaghetti

↓

and I just watched you walk in with it.

walk watched

↓

You called my bluff, sir. I shall dispose

bluff called dispose

↓

of this posthaste.

↓

A moment, please.

moment

↓

Dee, do me a favor. Pop this into your purse real quick.

favor purse quick real real-quick

↓

No. Absolutely not. No. Why did you have to bring spaghetti…

absolutely bring spaghetti

↓

You got me hankering for spaghetti and I want it.

spaghetti

↓

- Just eat it fast and we'll go. - No. I wanna enjoy it

enjoy fast

↓

- and watch the movie. - It's gonna make a mess in my purse.

mess movie purse watch

↓

I'm leaving because the spaghetti is the whole deal for me.

deal leaving spaghetti whole

↓

Goddamn it. Just godddamn it. Just put it in. Be careful.

careful goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- This is so stupid. - Okay. And there we go!

stupid

↓

- Got rid of it. - Great. Thank you.

↓

Okay. Look at this place, Dee. Look at the size of this place.

place size

↓

What does 3-D even stand for?

stand

↓

Third dimension.

dimension third

↓

Just please stop talking.

↓

Third dimen… What dimension are we in?

dimension third

↓

Shh. Charlie, I don't know.

charlie

↓

Isn't stuff supposed to pop out at us?

stuff supposed

↓

I don't know. I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

watch

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

- Did you see that? - Yeah, I saw that.

↓

That came right at you. Is this safe?

safe

↓

- Are you kidding me? - Well, I don't know.

kidding

↓

Take the glasses off if you're uncomfortable, okay?

glasses uncomfortable

↓

- But then everything's blurry. - Then put the glasses on

everythings glasses

↓

and shut the hell up.

↓

- Shh. - You shh.

↓

- See, stuff's not safe. - Uh-oh.

safe stuffs

↓

Whoa. What happened to my meatball?

happened meatball whoa

↓

- Would you shut up? - Oh, no.

↓

- I bet it flew off when I… - Okay, you are a sleuth.

flew

↓

You've gotten to the bottom of it.

bottom gotten

↓

- That's very exciting. Now shut up. - Let me just find it.

exciting

↓

- I'm sorry. - Charlie, sit down.

charlie

↓

- Did you see a meatball over here? - Oh, my god Charlie, I swear to God

charlie meatball swear

↓

If you don't sit down and shut up and watch the movie,

movie watch

↓

I'm gonna attack you.

attack

↓

I don't care how pregnant I am, and I'm gonna get out of the seat,

care pregnant seat

↓

- I'm gonna attack you. - I got it. I got it.

attack

↓

You got it? Okay good. Sit down.

↓

- Got the meatball. - Sit down!

meatball

↓

- Quiet down! - The movie's boring.

boring movies quiet

↓

You… How would you… You're not watching the movie.

movie watching

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

- You're not gonna like this. - What happened?

happened

↓

Ah, nuts. Some spaghetti kinda spilled in your purse a little bit.

kinda nuts purse spaghetti spilled

↓

Oh, shit. Want your spaghetti, Charlie?

charlie spaghetti

↓

You want your spaghetti? Here's your spaghetti.

spaghetti

↓

Oh, don't dump it on the ground like that.

dump ground

↓

- Shut up and watch the movie. - I don't wanna shut up

movie watch

↓

and watch the movie. Can't eat spaghetti.

movie spaghetti watch

↓

Can't follow the movie. Doesn't make sense.

follow movie sense

↓

I'm going back to the bar. I'm taking the spaghetti.

spaghetti

↓

- Go to the bar. - Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

kidding

↓

Dude, I just saw another rat.

another

↓

Yeah, I know. There's definitely a ton of rats in here,

rats

↓

- that's for sure. - I see him. I see him.

↓

- Oh, shit. We gotta distract him. - Yeah.

distract

↓

- I'll tell him the keg exploded. - No. That's a stupid idea.

exploded idea stupid stupid-idea

↓

That's a stupid idea. We're going with the burst pipe.

burst idea pipe stupid stupid-idea

↓

I like the keg idea.

idea

↓

Your ideas are so stupid. Go with the burst pipe.

burst ideas pipe stupid

↓

- That would never happen. - Whatever. We gotta go.

happen

↓

- A keg would never explode. - Hey, Charlie!

charlie explode

↓

Charlie! Charlie boy!

charlie charlie-charlie

↓

Hey, where'd you get those glasses, bud?

glasses whered

↓

Oh, these? They're just, like, third-dimension glasses, you know?

dimension glasses third

↓

Don't really work though, 'cause I feel like

↓

I'm still seeing stuff in whatever dimension we live in.

dimension live seeing stuff

↓

- Uh, right. - Yeah.

↓

Well, listen, um, you can't really go in the bar right now, bro.

↓

- Why not? - No, because a keg exploded.

exploded

↓

- Well, a pipe… Yeah. - Holy shit. Can that happen?

happen holy pipe

↓

A piece of metal flew off the keg

flew metal piece

↓

and hit Dennis right in the dick.

dennis dick

↓

Holy shit! Are you okay?

holy

↓

Yeah. No, I-I'm fine. I got lucky.

lucky

↓

It mashed right into it. We all thought he was gonna lose it.

lose mashed

↓

Charlie, it lumped it up and mangled it like

charlie mangled

↓

- a chicken potpie down there. - Oh, God. Dickless Dennis.

chicken dennis dickless

↓

- No. It's totally fine. - That's what we should call him…

↓

Dickless Dennis.

dennis dickless

↓

Oh, Dickless Dennis. But it doesn't apply…

apply dennis dickless

↓

because my dick totally went back to normal,

dick normal

↓

- and it's fine now. I'll show it to you. - I don't wanna see it.

↓

Anyway, moving on, how was the spa?

moving

↓

Spa?

↓

Sp… Oh, spaghetti. How's my spaghetti?

spaghetti

↓

- Dee threw it on the floor. - No, no. The spa.

floor threw

↓

The spa that Dee took you to.

↓

Oh, no, she took me to a movie.

movie

↓

Yeah, it was lame. I couldn't understand it.

lame

↓

Made no sense.

sense

↓

That cynical bitch.

bitch cynical

↓

Hello. I would like to redeem this coupon.

coupon redeem

↓

And go ahead and toss this one in the trash for me.

ahead go-ahead toss trash

↓

- Busted! See? - You're busted, Dee.

busted

↓

What? What are you guys doing here?

↓

I'm taking Charlie to the spa because he's stressed.

charlie stressed

↓

A keg exploded in the bar. Blew Dennis's dick off.

blew denniss dick exploded

↓

- No, no. - It's a mess down there. It's a monster.

mess monster

↓

- My dick is fine, Dee. - What?

dick

↓

- Let me have those coupons. - No. You said I could have them.

coupons

↓

Dee, you were supposed to take Charlie.

charlie supposed

↓

Yeah. I tried to take Charlie, but he refused to go.

charlie refused tried

↓

What is your spaghetti policy here?

policy spaghetti

↓

Are you hearing this? Are you hearing this?

hearing

↓

He doesn't belong in a place like this, you guys.

belong place

↓

All right, come on. We're wasting time.

wasting

↓

Go get Duncan and the bridge crew

bridge crew duncan

↓

and bring them to the bar. I'll occupy Charlie.

bring charlie

↓

- No. - Where's the robes?

↓

I think this is it, right here.

↓

This is sketchy as hell.

sketchy

↓

Yeah.

↓

Hey. Um, yeah, we're looking for Duncan.

duncan looking

↓

- Oh, let's go. - Oh, yeah, we should

↓

take that as a sign, right?

sign

↓

Come on in.

↓

Yeah?

↓

You pregnant.

pregnant

↓

Come on now.

↓

- What is happening in here? - I don't know.

↓

- Come on now. - All right.

↓

Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if we could talk

duncan wondering

↓

- to you about… - I ain't no Duncan.

aint duncan

↓

It's this nigga right here about to go level three and shit.

level level-three nigga three

↓

- What's up? - Oh, you're Duncan.

duncan

↓

Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if you could come to

duncan wondering

↓

- a surprise party for Charlie. - Who?

charlie party surprise surprise-party

↓

Charlie. He's Frank's friend.

charlie franks friend

↓

You guys have all been hanging out under a bridge.

bridge hanging

↓

Oh, yeah. Frank. I know that bitch.

bitch frank

↓

Okay. Hey, listen. Frank mentioned that you

frank mentioned

↓

- might be willing… - Oh, shit! Level three, son!

level level-three might three willing

↓

Yo! Level three!

level level-three three

↓

Guys, come over here. This is bizarre, okay?

bizarre

↓

Charlie should not have anything to do with these people.

charlie

↓

They are deranged.

deranged

↓

Frank has too much influence over this whole thing, all right?

frank influence whole

↓

I think we gotta stop and think about what Charlie wants.

charlie wants

↓

- Yeah. - We need to get our hands

hands

↓

on Charlie's dream book and figure out

book charlies dream dream-book figure

↓

what that kid wants ourselves.

wants

↓

- Mother pus bucket! - You piece of shit!

bucket mother piece

↓

You broke my wall!

broke wall

↓

What I tell you? Huh, son?

↓

Should we call the police?

police

↓

- No, no. Let's just go. - Let's get the hell out of here.

↓

All right.

↓

Charlie, let's go. Get in here.

charlie

↓

- Oh! Ooh! - Whew!

whew

↓

Hey, guys, the management needs everybody

everybody management needs

↓

to get out because they caught a guy jerking off in here…

caught jerking

↓

and they're gonna send in a crew

crew send

↓

to wipe down the loads.

loads wipe

↓

Go ahead. Go on. Let's go.

ahead go-ahead

↓

God, it's terrible. It's really disgusting.

disgusting

↓

Ah. Okay.

↓

Get rid of all the strange dongs.

dongs strange

↓

- Oh. - Yeah.

↓

- A little bit. - I don't get it, man.

↓

What's so relaxing about sitting around

relaxing sitting

↓

in a hot, wet room?

room

↓

It's all about opening up your pores, Charlie.

charlie opening pores

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah. Take your robe off.

robe

↓

Yeah. That's it.

↓

You got your clothes on. You gotta take your clothes off.

clothes

↓

What? No way, dude. I'm not getting naked in public.

naked public

↓

Suit yourself, all right?

suit

↓

I am going to roast like a pig.

roast

↓

All right. I'm gonna eat spaghetti.

spaghetti

↓

Oh, God.

↓

Whoa. Hey, guys, guys, guys.

whoa

↓

I bet you this is it. "Dram… Dram bach."

↓

I bet that means "dream book."

book dream dream-book

↓

Yeah. Look at this, pictures and symbols.

pictures

↓

I don't see anything about our stupid luau,

luau stupid

↓

but, uh, this looks weird.

weird

↓

What is that? What do you make of that, guys?

↓

That looks like a drawing of a pair of jeans.

drawing jeans pair

↓

A plus sign and a chicken.

chicken plus sign

↓

- "Denim chicken." - Denim chicken.

chicken denim denim-chicken

↓

Okay, guys, my gut is telling me

telling

↓

to throw this book in the trash.

book throw trash

↓

- Well, yeah. - It's absolute nonsense.

absolute nonsense

↓

I think we're all feeling the same things,

feeling

↓

but I think we need to fight that instinct.

fight instinct

↓

We have to throw a party for Charlie.

charlie party throw

↓

It's so simple. If we can't do that,

simple

↓

- what does that say about us? - You're right.

↓

This isn't about us. Let's not be cynical.

cynical

↓

- Let's do what the kid wants. - Yeah.

wants

↓

If he wants a worm…

wants worm

↓

- hat. - Worm hat.

worm

↓

- Worm hat. - Okay. How do we get him a worm hat?

worm

↓

- 'Cause, I don't know what that is. - I don't know. Maybe there's a drawing

drawing

↓

- or… What is that? - That's a bird with teeth.

bird teeth

↓

It sure is.

↓

Okay, look. We don't have a lot of time.

↓

So, let's figure out the best we can do.

best figure

↓

- Okay. We can do it. We can do it. - We'll do these things.

↓

- We'll do these things. - Okay. Let's go. Okay.

↓

Dude, how much longer do we have to stay in here?

longer

↓

Come on. Just relax. Take your clothes off.

clothes relax

↓

I feel trapped in here, Frank.

frank trapped

↓

I'm trapped like a rat.

trapped

↓

Holy shit, I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?

holy trapped

↓

- No, you're not, Charlie. - I'm a rat in here!

charlie

↓

I'm a rat!

↓

I'm trapped like a…

trapped

↓

- I gotta get out of here. - Calm down, Charlie.

calm charlie

↓

I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank,

frank places tired weird

↓

'cause I'm trapped like a rat.

trapped

↓

Calm down, Charlie. Calm down. Relax.

calm charlie relax

↓

- Okay. All right, all right. - I gotta get out of here!

↓

- Now calm down. - How do I get this off?

calm

↓

Take it easy.

easy

↓

- Charlie. Take it easy. - Just bash me, Frank.

bash charlie easy frank

↓

I'm not gonna bash you, Charlie.

bash charlie

↓

Just bash me like a rat!

bash

↓

Bash me like a rat and get it over with!

bash

↓

Oh. Sorry, guys.

↓

Just let me know when you're done.

↓

I'm the guy who wipes down the loads.

loads wipes

↓

- Hurry up. - I'm not wearing this stupid thing,

hurry stupid wearing

↓

- and that's it. - It's a lei.

↓

Surprise!

surprise

↓

What the shit is this? Where's my luau?

luau

↓

- We went around you, Frank. - Yeah.

frank

↓

- Happy birthday, Charlie. - Happy birthday.

birthday charlie happy happy-birthday

↓

Happy birthday? Oh.

birthday happy happy-birthday

↓

Is that why you guys were doing all that

↓

- weird shit with me today? - Yeah. We were trying to distract you

distract today weird

↓

- so we could plan your party. - Thanks, guys. Yeah.

party plan thanks

↓

It's not my birthday though.

birthday

↓

- Hmm? - It's not your birthday?

birthday

↓

- No. - No, dicks. It's my birthday.

birthday dicks

↓

- Wha… - Are you kidding me?

kidding

↓

- No, I'm not kidding you. - Wait a second.

kidding second

↓

Were you trying to get us to plan your surprise party?

party plan surprise surprise-party

↓

Why wouldn't you just plan it yourself?

plan

↓

Well, that's lame.

lame

↓

I mean, this way I get my surprise party…

party surprise surprise-party

↓

and I give you the satisfaction of doing

satisfaction

↓

- something nice for somebody. - Oh, my God.

somebody

↓

That is not doing something nice. That is tricking us.

tricking

↓

- Son of a bitch. - Where's Duncan?

bitch duncan

↓

Where is… You should not be hanging out with Duncan.

duncan hanging

↓

You should not be associating with people like that.

↓

I'm saying it. I don't care. It's coming out of my mouth.

care coming mouth

↓

Those weird bridge people that are like…

bridge weird

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

↓

All that "hawwoowin lauow"?

↓

- I knew he couldn't say it. - Luau. Luau.

luau

↓

- What is it? Hello. - Luau. Luau.

luau

↓

- I mean, it's the word. - It's not a word. Huh?

word

↓

What do we got going on over here, guys?

↓

Okay. Well, Charlie, when we thought

charlie

↓

it was your birthday, we went through your dream book

birthday book dream dream-book

↓

and we tried to re-create some of the stuff we found in there.

create found stuff tried

↓

Yes, that's okay. Um…

↓

- Denim chicken? - Yes!

chicken denim denim-chicken

↓

Yeah, denim chicken.

chicken denim denim-chicken

↓

- Now I got to reroute the pig delivery. - Nobody gives a shit.

delivery gives nobody nobody-gives

↓

So we also have the bird, with teeth.

bird teeth

↓

- Yep. - Wow! Okay.

↓

And I'm assuming the teeth are fake, yes?

assuming fake teeth

↓

Yes. Well, they're not real human teeth,

human real teeth

↓

if that's what you're asking me.

asking

↓

No, I mean, did you discover a bird with teeth

bird discover teeth

↓

- in this fashion? - That does not exist in nature.

exist fashion nature

↓

Okay. I'm not sure about that, but either way,

↓

good glue work.

glue

↓

Do any of you assholes wanna know how old I am?

assholes

↓

- Whatever, Frank. Okay. - Nobody…

frank nobody

↓

- All right, so… - Charlie, this is my favorite part.

charlie favorite favorite-part part

↓

We weren't quite sure what a worm hat was, right?

worm

↓

So we made a few of 'em. This is the first one.

↓

It's a hat made of worms, okay?

worms

↓

And then option number two is a hat that you put on.

number option

↓

And when you do that, you look like maybe you're a worm.

worm

↓

- Like a worm, yeah. - And then the third one,

third worm

↓

and this is the best one Charlie, is a hat for your worm.

best charlie worm

↓

Your teeny tiny little worm gets a teeny tiny little hat.

teeny teeny-tiny tiny worm

↓

- If you want him to be fancy. - So which one is it?

fancy

↓

- Which one were you talking about? - Yeah, that's right. That's right.

↓

Well, I don't recall ever writing "worm hat."

recall worm writing

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in your dream book.

book dream dream-book

↓

- Your… - Oh! "Wermhat."

↓

Yeah. That's a German guy. His name's Hans Wermhat.

german hans names

↓

He appears in my dreams.

appears dreams

↓

He drives a biplane and he shoots it at me,

drives shoots

↓

- and I run through a field. - You know what? You guys blow.

blow field

↓

I'm gonna go find Duncan.

duncan

↓

- Go! Go! - Get lost! Wow! Guys!

lost

↓

Wow! The denim chicken, the bird with teeth,

bird chicken denim denim-chicken teeth

↓

Wermhat's worm hat.

worm

↓

I mean, I don't know what to say, man.

↓

This is just what I needed today.

needed today

↓

Guess what, buddy. There's one more thing.

buddy

↓

Is that what I think it is?

↓

That's a new rat stick, dude.

stick

↓

- Yeah. - And you can bash up

bash

↓

a whole bunch of rats with one quick strike…

bunch quick rats strike whole whole-bunch

↓

- so it's more humane. - Yeah?

↓

Oh, man.

↓

- What do you think? - Oh, you like it?

↓

- I love it. I mean… - Aw.

love

↓

I don't know what to say 'cause no one's ever really, um…

ones

↓

I don't know what to say, guys.

↓

You don't have to say anything, man.

↓

Maybe I could give it a quick whirl in the basement…

basement quick whirl

↓

and see if I could kill a couple rats.

couple kill rats

↓

- Yeah. Absolutely. You've earned it. - You should.

absolutely earned

↓

Go bash 'em up, buddy.

bash buddy

↓

Whoo!

whoo

↓

- What a life. - Yeah.

life